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I own a pair of “huggie”-style earrings similar to these, and for someone who likes wearing earrings but isn’t great at changing them up every day, I recommend them. Not only am I not great at changing them every day, but I never remember to take them off before bed. I have left earrings on my nightstand, but that’s a recipe for losing them — and a choking hazard. My huggies are in my ears 99.9% of the time, and because they don’t have a post, they’re comfy to sleep in and they don’t bother me when I’m talking on the phone. This pair from Mejuri is 14-karat yellow gold with white sapphires, which will match everything. I also really love this pair, but they aren’t huggie style. The pictured earrings are $185. Feature HuggiesSales of note for 4.18.24
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
AwayEmily says
thanks to everyone who gave switching-to-big-kid-bed advice yesterday! It went great — we ended up putting the little potty in her room. She used it, and then got back in bed until the clock turned green. I’m really glad we went that route (meant we were not woken up for surprise bathroom trips) and I never would have thought of it without advice from you smart people.
RNMP says
You’re welcome! I’m sometimes amazed that my daughter is at a point where she “gets” things. Where has time gone?
Rachel Betts says
Gorjana carries several kinds of huggie earrings too. I love mine and never take them out.
Feeling bad all around says
How do you guys deal when your kid is upset about you going to work? My 3 yo threw a huge fit today crying that she didn’t want me to go, why do I have to go, why can’t I stay home with her etc. She started melting down when I appeared in my work clothes and literally tried to take them off of me. I felt so bad so I said I would take her to school myself and now now I’m an hour late for work. I tried to be happy that I was getting to take her to school but it just made me feel worse seeing all the other moms in their workout gear and all friendly with each other. And I didn’t know where to put my daughters shoes. Ugh now I feel like a terrible mother and like I’m terrible at my job.
Anonymous says
I just say “mommy and daddy work because that is what grownups do just like you go to day care because that is what kids do” and carry on with the routine. I’m not apologizing to my kids for making sure there is food on the table and I’m not making it up to them that I dare work. Sometimes they are sad, and they get over it. Like, my kids get sad over nonsense all the time. Just like washing hands and brushing teeth, mommy working isn’t optional.
Anon says
Yes.
Child of divorced parents here. It wasn’t an option to have a stay at home parent, and it was always presented just the way you said it.
CPA Lady says
This is where I land too. I have no guilt about working. I would be a horrible SAHM and I have zero desire to put myself or my child through what would be an undoubtedly miserable experience. I also would rather present a strong and positive message about working, rather than acting like it’s something I should be guilty or ashamed of doing.
Anon says
Where do you all live that you have these daycares filled with SAHMs? Virtually all of the moms at my daycare work full time and are in professional attire at drop-off…the exception would be nurses or something like that who work nights and are going home to sleep, but they’re certainly not headed out to brunch with the other moms.
Redux says
Yeah, I actually miss daycare so much for this reason. Elementary school is full of moms who look like this, but daycare is all working moms in working gear, with quick goodbyes and efficient departures. Kindergarten drop-off was my first real pang of working-mom regret, and I imagine it will intensify with middle-of the day activities and fieldtrips, etc. (which daycare NEVER did).
OP says
Sorry if it wasn’t clear – I dropped her off at preschool, not a daycare. We have a nanny who usually does preschool drop off but I told my daughter I would take her myself today because she was so upset. Our nanny stayed home with the baby.
Anon says
We did our first preschool drop off today and my first impression (DH did the tour) was wow there are a lot of SAHMs here (and so young! – I swear they were all low to middle 20s). I felt like a terrible mother when the director was asking me what she liked so she could calm her down (Princesses? Nope – we don’t watch a lot of princess movies. Pets? Nope. Cousins? Nope.) – nothing calms my kiddo down except her mama or she gets distracted with going outside.
Pogo says
Due to the hours (either 8:30-12:30 or 8:30-3:30 for “full day”) the preschools in our town are almost exclusively kids of SAHM’s. Occasionally there is a nanny/au pair/babysitter situation like OP’s that allows for kids of working parents to go, but otherwise, they continue at daycares, which run to kindergarten and offer actual full day care, and tend to be more costly. I don’t know any SAHMs who send their kids to the pre-k’s/kinders offered by day care. I only know about this distinction because of a local mom’s group I’m in.
Anon says
Ah gotcha, people (me included) use “school” so much to mean daycare, I assumed it was that (and people have made other comments about SAHMs at daycare recently). I totally understand why part time preschool attracts a very SAHM crowd.
Pogo says
Like I said it was news to me too!
Anonymous says
This. My kid asked his grandfather (retired lawyer) the other day if boys can be lawyers too because there are three other moms who are lawyers in his class and zero dad lawyers. Even when some of the moms are on maternity leave wkith younger siblings- their kids are attending at least part time.
OP – DH always had to do drop off for us. Not sure if that is an option for you. Kids consistently had a way harder time saying goodbye to me for whatever reason- maybe they can smell the mommy guilt?
Anonymous says
Try to separate the reason for the freakout from the freakout. Since your daughter is 3, I am guessing she may have similar reactions, to, say, ketchup touching the nuggets on her plate that she will be dipping in ketchup? They want what they want, but it doesn’t mean you need to re-evaluate your life choices. I would tell my son I have a job so we can have enough money to buy things we want and need, and because I like my job, and I’m really grateful I get to do a job I like.
Anon says
Framing it this way is so helpful, thanks. My kid screams just as much for a toy he’s just thrown across the room, but I never really thought to compare that with drop off.
CCLA says
This is such a great way of putting it. Thanks for the laugh and perspective.
anon says
This is really hard, and hugs to you, mama. You’re doing great, I promise. It happens sometimes. My 5-year-old was very sad today that I wasn’t going on her field trip to the apple orchard. (Parents actually weren’t invited, but that’s beside the point.) I think you have to let them work through their emotions without getting too caught up on what it says about you as a parent. Easier said than done, but really try to separate the two. Your kiddo misses her mama, and that’s OK. You can work through it with her — listen to her concerns, come up with a special goodbye ritual, a special welcome-back ritual, whatever works. You can tell her how much you miss her, too. But, you don’t need to apologize for working. In our home, we’ve been pretty matter-of-fact with our kids about the fact that Mom and Dad both work and here are the reasons why (particularly those that relate directly to them, like being able to pay for cool camps). It gets stickier as they get older and are cognizant of the fact that not all families have two working parents.
I hear you, though. It’s hard and it’s normal to feel like you’re split into two worlds. The best thing you can do *for yourself* is to be really clear about why you work, why you rock as a parent, remember all the times you do this juggling act WELL. It IS hard when you realize you’re the odd mom out, but that doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong, KWIM?
Anonymous says
If it makes you feel better, my therapist said it’s actually really good for resiliency in kids to feel sad and disappointed in ‘safe’ ways. Like when they are cared for but not by their preferred caregiver. It helps them learn that they can feel sad about something but they will be okay. Kids that are bubble wrapped from disappointment early on will struggle with resiliency as they get older.
rosie says
Thanks, I need to hear this today as preschool drop offs have been a struggle for us lately & with #2 on the way it feels like we’re just going from one where-is-mama-related meltdown to the next.
OP says
Thanks for all the comments and support! It is helpful. I have a lot of close family that are SAHM and I was raised by one myself and I fully admit that I struggle a lot with mom guilt. I recognize that I wouldn’t be a good SAHM and that it’s not the best fit for my family right now but then that leads me to thinking well I feel bad for my kid that she didn’t get a mom who wants to stay home… this is obviously something I need to work on
Anonymous says
You are the best mom for your kid. And you being a fulfilled person is what enables you to be a good mom. Working mom or SAHM – one isn’t better or worse, they are just different. I would not be a good SAHM, I am a much better mom when I’m working and I can satisfy the intellectual side of myself. My kids get a better mom when I work than they would if I stayed home.
Anon says
also- how old is the baby? and how long have you been back at work since maternity leave? are any of those factors coming into play? This morning one of my 16 month old twins crawled into my lap as soon as she heard the nanny’s key turning in the door. She used to have a big smile on her face as soon as she heard/saw our nanny but now she just wants mommy. She does the same thing when DH is home and I leave the room. I am hoping it is a phase, but it really is sooo hard. I know she is fine once I’m gone. In fact, I saw her again after I got dressed while she was eating breakfast and she was all smiles.
Anonymous says
My kid will excitedly list all the things she’s going to do at preschool and the friends that she’s going to play with, but when it’s actually time to leave the house she’ll start sobbing “I don’t want to go to school.”
I find it helpful to remember that part of it is just toddlers learning ways to express that they’re upset when they don’t get everything they want. e also had a pretty epic freakout this mornWing about Mama going to work and Toddler going to school, but we had the same kind of meltdown last night when she had to drink milk out of the purple cup because the pink cup was dirty and the morning before when we said she had to wear underwear to breakfast, instead of being completely naked, so I try to keep it all in perspective.
rosie says
We only did a half day of preschool today, and I asked my 2-yo how her day was when she got home. First thing she said was “I cried because I missed you.” Ugh way to lay on the guilt kid.
Sal says
I love my kid and think I am a good mom but I would be terrible SAHM (not that that’s an option). I have zero mom guilt — I definitely think my daughter is better off at a loving daycare, with friends, trained professionals, structured activities, predictable routines and nutritious food than battling with me over whether she can eat crackers for lunch.
Anon says
Going to point something out here: unless your salary is truly optional for your family, you choices are about WHEN to say “no” to your child’s wants, not some world in which your child is particularly deprived when you work.
If you had to say “no” to summer camps, sports, field trips, music classes, those fun school trips wherein your class goes to Washington DC, SAT prep, AP exams, new clothes, driver’s ed, their “dream” college, or even college at all, you would also be hurting for what you could not give your child. Or you give all of that to your child, but you heap on the guilt when you’re 80 and can’t afford to keep a roof over your head.
Think of it as choosing which things you can and cannot provide to your child. And while well-adjusted people would rather have family time than “stuff,” most people would rather have sports and college than cookies with Mom when they were 3.
EB0220 says
I love love love this perspective.
Anon says
Thank you. :)
I might have needed to hear that it’s not just me – expecting my first, and the way the math works out, life on both my husband and my salary is just a million times easier than on either salary alone. If I didn’t work, we wouldn’t be able to save for retirement or buy a house, and even things like having our child play an instrument or be in youth basketball would be a stretch. And it’s amazing how people already try to guilt me, or act like if you want to earn money, it could only be because you think it’s more important to go on African safaries than to have a relationship with my child. (LOL, we aren’t affording that anyway.)
And if I frame this as: “Do I want to work through my child’s preschool and school years, or do I want my child to work his way through college,” it becomes such a different issue.
shortperson says
my sister stayed home with her three kids and it was a big financial sacrifice. now that her kids are teenagers they are upset about the opportuniteis they can’t have when every dollar is counted. to be clear, they are fed and go to the dr. but they stress over buying new socks. so the kids cant do camps, after school activities and are responsible for financing college through loans. may need to support their parents in retirement. this helps me to keep my eye on the ball with my little kids. i’m the primary breadwinner and if i didnt work we would be in a similar financial situation.
LittleBigLaw says
One thing that has helped in our family is that I try to talk to kiddo about my job at times other than pick-up/drop-off. If I achieved something at work on a particular day (e.g., won a motion) or have something interesting going on (e.g., a hearing or presentation), I tell her about it in the same way I would talk about a fun birthday party. I think it helps her feel included in what I’m doing when we’re not together and is good for her to see that I enjoy what I do. It also helps me to frame my commitments in a more positive way than I might ordinarily. Often when I have to leave early and can’t do drop-off, kiddo will get excited about me “talking to an audience” and wants to hear about it when I get home. There are still bad days for sure, but it has helped both of our perspectives a lot.
Tryingnottobefrumpyintheburbs says
Guys, we need some help with our threenager’s sleep routine. He is still in a crib after a rather disastrous attempt to put him in a toddler bed on a trip. He is potty trained during day, still in diaper for sleep. We have an “ok to wake” clock in his room that he generally seems to understand but not respect. We try to put him down for bed at 8:00 PM with the hopes that he will then stay there until 6:30 PM (he still naps at preschool and I do not think there is any way around that). Basically the minute we put him in the crib, the shenanigans begin. He starts saying things like “but mommy, I neeeeeed you,” “can you lay with me,” etc etc. I end up laying on the floor next to the crib for a few minutes, I then leave with him crying that he wants me to stay and then we end up going up to the crib 5-6 times when he screams for us (and sometimes wakes up younger sibling). The trips up are usually because 1) he needs to pee even though we had him sit on the potty before bed but he was not able to pee then; 2) he needs water; 3) insert any other random request. I sort of think we should find a gate he cannot break out of, put the toddler side on his bed, a little potty in his room and basically tell him that if he is quiet, he can do what he wants quietly as far as taking toys in and out of his crib. Husband is really resistant to this plan because he thinks that will just make things work. He occasionally wakes in the middle of the night but for the most part, makes it until 5 something. I am desperate for a plan. Also, if you know me in real life, please send help and/or wine :)
AwayEmily says
I hear great things about this strategy and it seems like it would be perfect for your situation: https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2015/09/18/441492810/the-bedtime-pass-helps-parents-and-kids-skip-the-sleep-struggles
Anonymous says
Yep, I have friends who do this with great success. 3-year-old gets two tokens to use as passes; he can choose when to use them for a hug, to be tucked in, for a potty trip, etc. but after they’re done his parents won’t come back in. For them, it cut way back on bedtime shenanigans and now he doesn’t usually use any of the tokens.
Anonymous says
Leave water bottle in bed, potty right before tuck in and then one bathroom trip, no I won’t lay down, no you can’t have that, lather rinse repeat. If you stop giving in I think you will likely get fewer demands over time. You might try audiobooks or music if he has trouble falling asleep. If he’s up for the day at 5 he probably needs less sleep, but you may just have to deal with that until you can cut out the nap.
Pogo says
+1. My 2yo is still in diaper and crib, so we just ignore protests after the full routine is over. He knows what’s coming. It happens every day. He gets every chance for water, milk, books, snuggles, etc. But once those chances are used up, it’s bedtime. I think the key thing is that you may still experience protests many many many days later – it’s not like CIO once and then kiddo peacefully goes down. The more tired he is, the more protests we hear (including the dreaded jumping up and down and screaming). He will also tailor his protests to his audience, for example adding in any grandparents he knows are in the house, and not bothering to call for a parent who is absent. Again I think the key is to stay strong and know that he may also whine at bedtime, but it will be much shorter if you refuse to engage.
We still use a video monitor, which allows us to make sure he’s safe (see above re: jumping). It has also shown that he really needs all 57 stuffed animals and dolls he has in there, because he will play with them and talk to them as he is calming down/falling asleep. So I’d ask your kiddo what he needs to help fall asleep – books, music, toys, dolls, whatever – and let him have that. If mine asks for something to be in the crib with him, I allow it even if it seems like a ridiculous request, because I know he really does need those toys to fall asleep.
Anonymous says
At 3 I think you could also talk this through with kiddo before bedtime and make A Plan – basically this is a way of announcing what the new rules will be, but offering room for him to add input. And then maybe make a chart or picture detailing the routine.
Anonymous says
It was our experience that a nap at that age required a later bedtime than 8, and there were way fewer shenanigans if kiddo was actually ready to sleep. Even 20 min of nap meant he was not physically ready to sleep until more like 9:30. Our solution was to drop nap, which looks like not an option for you, but have you tried later bedtime?
Boston Legal Eagle says
This is us. 3.5 year old will not fall asleep until 9-9:30 as he gets a nearly 2 hour nap at daycare and sometimes up to 3 hours of nap on the weekends. We’re not (and he’s not) ready to drop the nap so we’re dealing with the late night shenanigans until he passes out. He’s in a regular bed though so it’s extra fun when he can leave the room on his own. We generally just re-direct him back and tell him it’s bedtime, repeat repeat.
Anon says
Can anyone give me a sense of normal toddler eating habits (quantity-wise)? My 18 month old used to eat more than me (putting away a whole banana and two freezer waffles with cream cheese or nut butter in one sitting was not unusual for her), but her appetite has dropped off a lot recently. We’ve never fed her breakfast on weekdays because her school serves a breakfast-y snack right after she gets dropped off, and she still eats well at school (three meals or snacks each day), but lately hasn’t had much, if any, appetite for dinner. On the one hand, it’s so easy not to have to worry about feeding her at home. But I feel guilty about it, like maybe she’s not getting enough food or going to bed hungry or something. Does this sound normal to others?
Anonymous says
Growth spurts make a big difference in eating habits. Was your LO not eating so much at daycare originally but eating more now? At that age, my kids usually ate half an adult portion, max. But I could always tell when daycare had tacos or pasta with tomato sauce at lunch because they ate way less at dinner.
Anon says
It sounds like she’s eating about the same at school, maybe slightly less, but still what they consider a good quantity. They commented something to us like she used to have 6 portions of everything she likes (their portions are very small imo though, just a bite or two) and now she “only” has 4 portions. She did recently wean from the breast and start drinking some cow’s milk at school (I don’t get an exact number but it sounds like a few ounces at each meal/snack). I don’t know if that could make a difference. Is cow’s milk more filling?
Anonymous says
Cow’s milk isn’t more filling. Sounds like she just finished a growth spurt. Mine also ate less when they were teething so you might see some new teeth pop up soon.
Anon says
Hmm she’d been eating huge portions like that since before she was 1, so it was a pretty long growth spurt! She did have an ear infection a couple weeks ago, which seemed to coincide with the drop in appetite, but she seems 100% back to normal in all aspects except eating (sleeping great, having lots of energy for play, etc.)
Anonymous says
She’s fine. Toddlers basically eat air. Unless she’s losing weight it’s fine.
Cb says
My son rarely eats much for dinner and bargaining with a toddler is a losing battle so I just accept it. He has a small bowl of cheerios and some fruit for breakfast, often has some porridge once he gets to nursery, bread and fruit for morning snacks, whatever they’re having for lunch, and veggies for afternoon snack. Rumour has it he often goes back for a second afternoon snack. He does also get something fruit on the bus because everyone is happier if my kid is shoving food in his face. I think by dinner time, he’s just done so we put out some things he likes and don’t stress about it. If he really hasn’t eaten anything, I’ll offer some extra milk.
Anon says
Some days my two year old eats more than any human should consume (e.g., 2-3 hotdogs, or 11 chicken nuggets, etc. and still asking for more) and some days passes on anything resembling protein, licks a couple of grapes, drinks some milk and calls it a day. I asked the ped about it and he said as long as she’s maintaining weight and growing normally (which she is), let her continue to self-regulate in that way.
Anonymous says
LOL to “licks a couple of grapes”. This sounds like my kid too. I really Satter for this perspective – it’s my job to offer healthy foods on a predictable schedule, and kid’s job to decide what and how much to eat. Some days she eats a ton and I give her as many servings as she wants of anything that’s offered. And some days she eats practically nothing. It all balances out.
Anon says
Yeah, sounds normal. Others here recommended feedinglittles on instagram for more context. Seconding “some days she licks a grape”
H13 says
I think it is totally normal and at this age, I aim to remember that if my LO had one good meal a day, it is a success. It is hard because that meal is usually lunch at daycare. His teachers always comment on his appetite and we see him eat very little at home.
Anonymous says
Agree this is normal and will ebb and flow and spurts happen. I’d also add that I’m fairly certain that the rate of growth slows around that time, so it is normal to see a dip in appetite that will be somewhat permanent and then ramp up gradually as life progresses.
Stroller issue says
Help! My barely 1 year old has started absolutely refusing to be strapped into a stroller. (He fights his car seat too, but for some reason that battle is more manageable.) He screams, flails, arches his back, the whole deal. We like in a walkable area and being able to get out with him – especially when he wakes up insanely early – is crucial to my sanity. He used to love going in the stroller, so this is a new and terrible development. I’m panicked that this is going to mean the end of our stroller rides. Any tips?
Anonymous says
Once they start walking, sometimes they hate the stroller confinement. Try letting him help you push the stroller and then he can ride when he gets tired. I also liked an Ergo or Tula carrier for the early toddler years. Let them toddle along until they are tired and then you can ruck them up on your back for a rest.
Stroller issue says
Thanks. He’s walking but not well enough to walk down to the park or coffee shop or wherever, and he couldn’t push the stroller. I can’t wear him due to back issues, unfortunately.
Ms B says
I have a friend who put a ride-along board on her stroller for just this situation. Her child would ride for the first ten minutes and then would demand to sit in the stroller, unstrapped, which was fine because she had a belly bar on the stroller.
Anonymous says
It’s not fine. I’ve seen kids fall out into traffic like that.
rosie says
Does he settle once he’s in the stroller, just resists getting in? Because at that age, we would just recline the stroller and strap her in quickly, then distract with a toy/snack if needed but usually she’d be happy pretty quickly once we were moving. Otherwise I agree that letting him walk until he gets tired and then get in the stroller…can he climb in himself? My kid likes doing that although maybe not quite that young.
Stroller issue? says
We haven’t made it far enough to know if he will settle down, as this is a brand new unexpected problem. It happened for the first time and we gave in, mostly out of surprise and confusion, truthfully. I have a feeling (maybe wishful thinking) that he will be okay if we can just get him in and moving. A distraction getting him in is a good idea.
I don’t think he can climb in himself, but maybe I should let him try. He isn’t walking well enough to walk himself – still at the fall down every 3 steps phase.
rosie says
Can you clip some toys onto the stroller? We either clipped toys directly or used those plastic ring chain things.
Anon says
I semi-regularly have to body-wrestle my toddler into a stroller (because she would rather walk, be carried, choose not to go, etc., and sometimes time is such that we can’t indulge her exercise in independence). But she does settle down pretty quickly once strapped in. So if you’re comfortable with that, I say go for it.
Ashley says
My almost 2yo fights the stroller exactly as you described. Usually I just force him in (I’m sure it looks rough to bystanders) then within 10 seconds of walking he’s fine. So I think this method is at least worth a try for you!
IHeartBacon says
Only to bystanders who don’t/never had toddlers… ;)
Pogo says
+1 Or offer snacks. Sometimes it’s the only way.
Anonymous says
At that point we had to give up on the regular stroller and go with a toddler leash. Our kid would still ride in the jogging stroller and shopping carts without protest, though.
IHeartBacon says
What about a wagon? I’ve seen some that have seatbelts. This way he could take some toys or a book with him, too.
Anonymous says
I hate to say it but… snacks. I often give my toddler an apple to munch on during the morning jog. More often than not, he just holds it and doesn’t eat it, but it calms him down to have it. This (along with distraction, which works inconsistently, and wrestling) is the only solution I’ve found across three kids.
Clementine says
Re: what you need to do to get a run in.
So pre-kids, I religiously went running on the same bike path at the same time every Sunday morning. There was always a mom who I passed with a double stroller with two kids in it. Each kid always had a toy they got to hold. One would always have something normal – toy dinosaur, stuffed animal, whatever. The other kid liked to carry a plastic house. The size of a basketball or so. A plastic. Toy. House.
This mom knew life was too short to fight dumb fights and I think of that lesson often. Like when I 100% let the baby bring a single Duplo as her toy of choice.
GCA says
As a frequent stroller runner…I. Am. Dying. The plastic house. Oh my goodness. (I usually go the snack route. Cheerios everywhere!)
Anonymous says
This happened with my first and the solution was paying for the (ridiculously overpriced) Uppababy snack tray, so she could have snacks. As I write this out I realize I need to reintroduce this for kid #2, who is 15 months and also has very limited patience for the stroller these days.
Anon says
We had a really hard time getting into car seat and to lesser extent stroller starting right around that age. I started giving her my phone opened to the album of pics of her to look at while I strapped her in and then said “bye bye phone!!!” and took it back. She was usually fine once she was all buckled in. After a month or two, she went back to calmly sitting in sears and I don’t need the phone anymore.
Anonymous says
At this age we did a small amount of water in a leakproof straw sippy cup and a few books in the crib. He has a diaper on and can use that if he needs to pee. Our kids also wanted to know what we are doing – telling them that we can’t lay down because we have to clean up the kitchen or do laundry but promising to check on them again when we are done chores seems to work. Sometimes I’ll say that I need to take a shower and just leave the bathroom fan on for a bit. Emphasizing that grownups are not staying up, playing with all the toys and eating all the snacks after kids are in bed is important. Even at age 8, our oldest will complain if we aren’t loud enough when we are cleaning the kitchen and doing laundry after she is in bed.
June says
Okay, I posted a month or two ago about being ready for a second kid (my first just turned two), but now I’m not sure I’m ready. I’m thinking, I like my life with one kid: good work life balance now, good financial position, good relationship with my husband, I’m starting to exercise regularly again, I’m looking forward to traveling by plane again. But, I just feel like my first “needs a sibling.” Was anyone stuck in this conundrum, or those of you that have two, did you always know you would have two? Was it hard to pull the trigger and try for a second?
I’m imagining a few rough years with two little kids, and then when they’re older each spouse separately running around with a kid on the weekend. On the hand, I’m also picturing the sibling bond and the kids having a built in buddy for holidays/family visits/vacations.
I think the largest thing holding me back is the cost of daycare (and later childcare) and college. If I were to all of sudden inherit a bunch of money, I think I’d definitely have another kid. I know people with less make it work, but I think part of the reason my marriage is good is because we don’t have money stress (right now, two in daycare would be tight).
Anon says
I think the vast majority of people who have two will tell you you’ll never regret having a second, but I also know that life without a sibling can be great. I was a really happy only child – I’m super close to my parents, never felt lonely, and benefited greatly from their time and financial resources because I didn’t have siblings. I’m likely one and done myself. Cost is a big factor for us too, as well as my health (I had an “easy” pregnancy with no morning sickness or complications to baby, but it triggered a serious autoimmune disease that I’m still trying to appropriately manage, pregnancy would throw a wrench in that and also would likely be riskier than a typical pregnancy for both me and baby). I think if I didn’t have a child, I’d want to get pregnant despite this disease, but somehow now that I’m a mom I feel like I can’t take risks with my own health because I have to be alive and healthy for my existing child. Maybe that’s silly, but that’s how I feel.
My husband and I have talked about the fact that if I didn’t have this autoimmune disease and we had more money, we’d want a second, but we have to live in the real world with what we have, not what we wish we had. You’re absolutely right that lots of people with less money than us make it work, but it would add financial stress to our marriage that we don’t need and it would be hard to fully save for private college and our own retirement, both of which we think are big gifts to our first child. And maybe it’s selfish, but I like having money for outsourcing chores and traveling internationally – it makes me a happier person, which in turn makes me a better mom.
June says
Thank you, this is insightful. I guess part of my hesitation is I just don’t know any only children, I don’t recall any growing up. So it’s nice to hear you didn’t feel you missed out and appreciated the extra resources your parents had. The selfish part of me is hoping my child would benefit just as much from more college money and less stressed parents than they would a sibling.
Sorry to hear about your health issues. I don’t want to pry but have you tried the keto diet? I started it out of vanity (to lose the baby weight) and not for health but welcome side effects were it cured my asthma (was on steroids daily) and greatly improved my arthritis/joint pain, fatigue, allergies, migraines and various skin issues.
Anon says
In the interests of full disclosure, a lot of my friends are also only children and many of them are not as happy about it as I was. However, in many cases they were not only children by choice (some had parents with fertility issues, others were immigrants from China and were born under the one child policy). Another friend’s parents had only one by choice, but it was because they didn’t really like being parents and they were detached and aloof, not warm and loving like my parents. My parents very much wanted their one child and never second-guessed their choice to only have one (certainly not around me) and I think their confidence that a three person family was right for us rubbed off on me. My parents were also pretty matter of fact about the fact that my childhood would have looked very different if I’d had a sibling. I did an expensive sport, we took nice family vacations and my parents paid for my private college in full, and I was aware from a relatively young age that our lifestyle would have looked quite different with a bigger family.
My husband has a sibling and they’re not close at all. He would definitely prefer to be an only child with more financially stable parents (although in his case, his parents’ financial troubles are due more to their irresponsibility with money than the number of children they had). But he and I are both of the mind that paying for college and fully-funding your own retirement are huge gifts to your child(ren).
June says
Thanks again for the insight. I would hope to create the type of environment you had and think we’d have a warm, loving home and let our child pursue activities that may require more money/travel than others. I get what you’re saying about some of your friends, my parents had 3 kids and always made it seem like kids were a burden (not financial – they had plenty of money, it was more time, driving around, emotional support etc). I couldn’t have imagined being an only, but that’s because I feel like we siblings needed/need to band together against the crazy unstable parents.
FVNC says
We really struggled with the decision to go from one to two, and ultimately decided we did want a second. Our kids are 3.5 years apart. I’m glad we did — but not because of the sibling bond. Our kids tolerate each other and, I think, love each other, but they are not (yet?) super close. Here are some reasons I’m glad we have our second, which of course are personal to me: our daughter had/has some developmental challenges that made her early years quiet difficult, whereas our toddler is developmentally typical and it’s been a joy to get to experience a smiley, giggly baby whose biggest problem is fighting nap time; if I had only one kid, I know I’d probably put too much pressure on her by projecting my type-a, perfectionist tendencies, whereas it’s harder to do that with two; money is not a concern as we can save for college, pay for daycare etc. and still maintain our comfortable but not lavish lifestyle; due to my husband’s job, we’ll need to move a lot and it’s nice for the kids to have the stability of each other; and finally, I felt our family was incomplete with one kid. It’s definitely not all been perfect and we probably could have been very happy with just one child, but on balance it’s been a good decision for our family.
anne-on says
Overall, I think you need to have a second kid for YOU, not for your child. If you and your husband want a second child and feel your family is incomplete go for it! We have an only, and love it for a lot of reasons that you mentioned. There are plenty of ways your child can still have close friendships and relationships without having a sibling (and as you mentioned, there is simply no guarantee they will be close to a sibling).
June says
Thank you, I think that’s the struggle. I feel like I’d be doing it for my child, not for me. Some days I have bad baby fever, but then when I think of the logistics for two kids I get a little overwhelmed.
Anonymous says
My kids are 3 years apart. There was never any question that we would have a second, so apologies if this isn’t helpful. However, we are in Canada and with kids being 3 years apart, our childcare expenses aren’t ever 2 kids in daycare full time (due to 12 month parental leave and then full day junior kindergarten starting at age 4 – although there is potentially the need for before and after care). I’m not sure what the situation is where you live, but is there the possibility to help spread out these childcare costs depending on spacing? This obviously doesn’t help the college tuition issue though. For that, send your kids to Canada for university like friends of mine did :)
Anon says
I don’t really understand the spacing argument as it applies to costs – by spacing your children further apart, you’re just delaying costs, not avoiding them. If daycare costs, say, $125k/child for five years, each child is still $125k you don’t have for other expenses. It doesn’t matter how far apart the kids are.
Also, many people here have commented that costs per child don’t go down much in kindergarten, at least in the US. You just divert the spending to summer camps and activities, so I would not count on a 6 year old being significantly cheaper overall than a 3 year old.
DC Anon says
I don’t think the cost/spacing argument is so much about the total cost of chilcare but paying two daycare bills at once. We’re having our second and have spaced it so #1 is in free pre-k while #2 is in not free, daycare. For us it’s not about the total cost of each kid, it was about having to pay $4k+/month for two kids (HCOL city) for daycare vs. taxes for pre-k/$300/month for aftercare for #1 and $2k/month for daycare for #2.
Summer camp is expensive, but having just gone through our first round of that, it’s nowhere near as expensive as full-time yearly daycare. We were spending $24k/year on daycare, now that she’s in pre-k 4, total childcare cost is less than $10k (including aftercare, random days off, summer care). To me that difference is pretty significant – it might not be to everyone.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I’m an only child with two kids. I felt lonely growing up but we also moved around a lot so it would have been nice to have someone to share my experience with, from a different perspective than my parents. However, I love being an only child now – I have my parents all to myself for childcare! And I can see how I really benefited from the lack of financial strain as they were able to afford college and part of law school for me. I have lots of friends, some of whom I consider family (mostly other only children haha) and I have my husband so I’m not lonely now. Siblings don’t guarantee closeness.
We had two ultimately because I think I would have regretted not having more than one. The early years when they are both little (mine are 3.5 and almost 1) are really hard and hectic and not particularly enjoyable for me. But I wanted that family of multiple kids in the future so we’re bearing through these years. Having two kids cures a bit of my anxiety too in thinking that I have any control over when these kids reach milestones or what their personalities will be! My parents didn’t really do this intentionally but I’ve seen only children get too much of their parents’ focus and expectations and I didn’t want to do that to my one kid. That’s just me though – whatever decision you make will be ok. Maybe wait a few years and decide then when your first kid is a little more independent?
Anonymous says
If two in daycare is tight, maybe delay a year so you only have the tight financial situation for a couple years before oldest goes to school.
I wouldn’t decide not to have kids because of college costs. Your kid could decide to be an electrician or a plumber or a contractor and trade schools are way less expensive than top tier college.
How you imagine your holiday dinners or family vacations in the future is a good way to gauge how you feel? Is there more than one kid there with you? Whether you want to have a 2nd kid and whether you want to have one right now are two different questions.
Anon says
The odds that the children of high-achieving, highly-educated parents will become plumbers or electricians are pretty small. Your kids may not be going to Stanford, but odds are they will pursue some form of post-secondary schooling that costs at least around $100k in today’s dollars (our pretty average State U is more than that for four years), which isn’t a trivial expense for most people. I know plenty of people who aren’t close to their siblings and would have rather had (more) financial help with college than a sibling. I also know lots of people who are very close to their siblings and would have gladly taken out college loans if necessary so they could have a sibling. I don’t think you can say for sure either way that your child won’t wish you’d done the opposite.
Anon says
I think people romanticise siblings. It’s a built-in buddy, a lifelong friend, a lot of things… but plenty of people do not have good relationships with their siblings. Or they get along just fine, but ultimately, the people whom they are closest to are their friends from school.
Anon says
I tend to agree. I personally know a lot of people who aren’t close to their siblings. DH, my mom and I are all on speaking terms but not close with our sisters, my dad is actively estranged from his, and several of my close friends have siblings with issues like mental health problems, substance dependence or financial problems that require a great deal of support from parents. And after the parents pass away that burden will fall to the older sibling(s). I think you should have two kids if YOU want two kids, but I’ve never understand the idea that giving your kid a sibling is some huge benefit. If you’re doing it for the kids, I almost think 3+ is better than 2, because then if one of them turns out to have major issues, there will be more than one person to share the burden after you’re gone.
Anon says
Yes, this is what I was trying to say.
It’s hard for me, because I gave so much of myself trying to have a relationship with my sisters. But life got easier when I woke up to see their viciousness, narcissism, and pathological dishonesty, and decided that my life is better for not having people like that in it. Thankfully, most people don’t have to deal with family that bad, but I’m rather tired of the idea that “siblings” automatically means “pal, confidant, and supporter.”
Anon says
agreed. i have a sibling who i don’t get along with well, who has had a lot of issues that made my life harder, and while yes i suppose i have someone to help deal with aging parents, one of my parents is actually quite ill and i actually wish i could just deal with it all myself. definitely has not been a huge benefit to me. that being said, i can also see it having been hard growing up as an only in a different way if all of parents energy and attention was focused on me. i have some friends who are besties with their siblings. i wasn’t sure if i wanted 1 or 2 – we have twins, so didn’t end up having to make the choice ourselves. they are fraternal and are so different from one another and i hope they have a better relationship than i do with my sibling. they are just babies, but currently one really wants to engage with the other, while the other just wants to be left alone, so a good relationship might be wishful thinking on my part…. more generally – just like many things in life, there are pros and cons to both situations and neither is better or worse – just different
Anon says
By contrast, some of us are very close to our siblings. I speak with my brother more than any of my friends and about more serious topics. We don’t live in the same state, but we see each other a couple of times a year. I can’t picture my childhood without him, even though we were not nearly as close then and had tons of fights.
But you don’t know how your kids are going to turn out. They might be close or they might not be.
Anon says
My 2YO kiddo started preschool today and I am having all the feels. Drop off was a disaster (the entire building could hear the howling), but I did get a picture of her about 30 minutes ago happy on the playground so it appears they eventually calmed her down. I know this is good for her (socialization! other kids! learning!) but she’s just so little! DH will try dropping her off solo on Thursday to see if it goes better (she’s my barnacle).
Anon says
I know you probably didn’t mean to knock anyone else, but most working mothers, especially ones who aren’t wealthy, have to put their children in daycare sometime between 6 and 12 weeks, so the “she’s just so little” reaction about a walking, talking child strikes me as a bit insensitive.
Nan says
Eh, I put my kid in daycare at 12 weeks and I don’t think this is a fair criticism. They ARE so little, even at 3, and dropping them off to a new place is hard! That doesn’t mean it’s not the right thing to do, but it’s difficult even when they aren’t tiny babies.
Anonymous says
She not only didn’t mean to knock anyone else, she actually did not knock anyone else. And you’re kicking her when she’s already down.
IHeartBacon says
+Infinity.
The OP is allowed to feel how she feels without having to worry about whether someone will try to censor her about it.
Anonymous says
+1. From someone who had a child in daycare by 12 weeks.
Anonymous says
Eh, mine started daycare at 8 weeks (4 weeks adjusted, so both the youngest and tiniest baby that center had ever had, at just over 8 lbs) and yeah, she was tiny, but all she cared about was being snuggled and fed bottles of milk, she didn’t really care who was doing it.
Fast-forward 2 years and drop-off at 2-year-old preschool is MUCH harder! Now she can cry that she wants to go home, doesn’t want to go to school, misses Mommy, etc, and it was really a lot easier when she was just a newborn.
anon says
plus you have absolutely no idea why OPs child was not in school/daycare until now. maybe it wasn’t by choice. maybe OP had some situation where a different form of childcare was better/less expensive for her family.
rosie says
We started last week w/mine and had one really rough drop off when I took her to morning care rather than her classroom, so I decided that isn’t worth it, at least for now, although have since had a rough drop off in her classroom, too. This morning my husband took her and she was screaming for me as they left :(
Hoping this gets better.
Ifiknew says
I totally get how you feel OP. Just dropped off my daughter starting mid August for half day preschool type program at age 2 and it was so hard! She is also a barnacle but every day got better and now a month in, she Loves it and never cries. Dropoff are definitely easier with dad though, he jokes she hardly says bye vs with me she still lingers a bit. Xo hugs, it’s so so good for them in the pics I see.
So Anon says
At open house last night, we learned that the 3rd graders have lunch at 12:40 and a snack in the middle of the morning. Snack is 5-8 minutes, so I am looking for snack ideas that pack a big punch and can be eaten quickly. Any ideas?
Anonymous says
A granola bar. String cheese. Babybell. Trail mix. Apple. Crackers. A muffin.
Knope says
I swear by these things: https://thenaturalnurturer.com/oatmeal-green-smoothie-muffins/. I make them for my toddler but eat them as snacks myself often! Super healthy and very tasty, and less sugar than a lot of energy bars.
ElisaR says
thanks for this suggestion, I need some healthy breakfast stuff and I will try to make these this weekend!
HSAL says
I’m a big fan of muffins and am interested to try these, but do you think the spinach is just kind of there to make you feel good about them being “healthier”? 1-2 handfuls of spinach isn’t even a serving, and it’s for 12 muffins. Do you think it would change the recipe much to leave out? If it’s green and not jello, my 4 year old will not be fooled.
rosie says
Maybe you’re saying that green is a no-go for your kiddo, but if you’re looking for something with more spinach, these are pretty good https://www.superhealthykids.com/recipes/sweet-spinach-muffins/
ElisaR says
.25 of a serving of spinach is more than the 0 spinach mine usually get :)
Knope says
I use quite a bit of spinach, probably more like 3-4 handfuls! But yes I agree with the PP that something is better than nothing when it comes to veggies for kids :)
Cate says
I usually send a pouch of apple sauce as well as a string cheese or similar because my kid can down the pouch super fast. Honestly if it’s anything she loves it’ll be gone quick – she’s really into trader joe’s fruit leather right now too.
Anonymous says
Kid-sized Perfect bars, if peanuts/nuts are allowed. Cheese sticks. Squeezable yogurt. Applesauce pouches.
Anonymous says
Cheese (I often opt for slices off a block, rather than string cheese which is usually low-fat). Apple slices with peanut butter (if allowed). Muffins made with oatmeal and greek yogurt.
AwayEmily says
Anyone looking for a cheap Halloween costume — Carters has free shipping, 25% off, and their “Hooded Fleece Footless PJs” are on sale. I just got two tiger ones for my kids for a combined $25. They also have sloth, unicorn, dinosaur, leopard…not the most elaborate but comfy enough to wear all day to school, which is key.
Deema says
Piggybacking off this to say that since we’re over a month out, this is a perfect time to order a secondhand costume that may require a bit more lead time/planning than just buying something new off the rack! Try places like Swap dot com and Thred Up….
Anon. says
Done. You are my hero.
CHL says
We got a note last night from 1st grade teacher that my son loves reading and math but will not participate in circle time (or whatever they call it) and says he “hates writing” and won’t write. He will just try to read during those times or will get disruptive to those around him. This is not a new thing with him – he generally just likes to do what he likes and will resist things that are harder or not as interesting to him. Oh…if I ever thought I’d be having to tell him not to read. But he’s got to learn how to write too and get along in society:) We’ve had some luck setting up incentives for doing what he’s supposed to, but does anyone have any tips or tricks to try?
Anonymous says
What is the teacher doing to address the issue?
mascot says
+1. This isn’t your issue to manage. Let the teacher take the lead here and for right now, take this note as “fyi” not “diy action plan, pls” Verbalize to your child that you expect that they follow the school rules at school. At home, reinforce that sometimes we have to do things other than read, encourage him to try activities that he isn’t naturally good at, etc. You can also talk about what’s going on with circle time- is he disruptive, too shy to speak up, doesn’t like the kid on the square next to him?
I would follow-up with the teacher to ensure that the writing reluctance is a behavior/his preference thing and not a bigger learning struggle.
Anon says
Agree that this is the teacher’s problem to manage in the classroom, but could you use some incentives at home to get him to practice writing at home? If he doesn’t want to do it in class because it’s hard, practicing will make it easier.
Anon says
Try getting him fancy colors, glitter crayons and such – my kids dont like writing but will do it with special implements. They like highlighters too.
CHL says
Thanks all! I want to make it clear that we support our teacher but she didn’t outline what she is doing about it. We asked in email what she might suggest since she has a lot more experience with 1st graders than we do, but we will come back with more questions. I do think my kid pushes the boundaries and when he realizes that I know about it will get in line so hopefully this is just one of those. And I like the suggestion to practice more writing at home — we can do that definitely.
Anonymous says
I would actually ask the teacher “What are you doing to address the issue, and how can we support you?” Some teachers will try to push the responsibility for managing classroom behavior onto parents, and in those instances it’s necessary to nicely point out that this is their domain.
SC says
You can also practice “fun” fine motor activities or activities that build hand strength at home. My kid is seeing an OT, partly for fine motor/pre-handwriting issues. For home, the OT suggests playing with Squigz, Legos, squeeze balls, slime, etc, doing art activities, and playing board games that require fine motor or hand strength.
Also, Kiddo likes helping us cook, which involves a surprising amount of fine motor skill and hand strength. Just making pancakes this weekend required several different hand exercises for measuring ingredients (cracking eggs, pouring milk, scooping and leveling, with both measuring cups and spoons, stirring batter, and cutting butter with a dinner knife). So, you could also see what you can incorporate into your family routines without having a lot of “writing practice” time at home.
Anon says
I am struggling with PPD and OB prescribed Wellbutrin. I have never taken psych meds so I am a bit worried about side effects (now or getting off of it). What was everyone’s experience on it? I have read that ringing in ears, seizures are the biggest risks as well as weight gain and rebound depression getting off of it.
Anonymous says
I’m on it now. I was similarly skeptical. It has worked really well for me. It’s something that allows me to build healthy habits in other areas so I will be ready to step off it – regular massage therapy, eating well, sleeping enough, regular exercise etc. I’m hoping the healthy habits will address any weight gain from coming off it. Weight loss on it has been minimum but I’ve enjoyed being able to eat extra treats without gaining. Sometimes a girl just needs her dark chocolate. In terms of rebound depression, focus on being well now and when you are ready to come off it, you can step down slowly with a plan for things that will reduce your risk of a rebound. Also, I found that it improved my libido.
Anonymous says
I tolerated it really well and didn’t have issues when tapering down to a stop after a period of time. Also, I felt so much better pretty quickly that I stopped worrying about side effects.
Anonanonanon says
I loved Wellbutrin when I was on it. Side effects were I got happier and skinnier and had a better libido. Now that I think about it, not sure why I stopped (kidding). It definitely got me well enough to get my life in order and get in a healthy routine and then tapered off.
Anonymous says
There are side effects of depression too. Take the meds you need
Anonymous says
I’ve been on and off various antidepressants at different points in my life, but took some medication for probably 10 years in total. I don’t remember noticing a lot of side effects with Wellbutrin; I took it in combination with SSRIs (either Prozac, Paxil, or Zoloft). SSRIs did make me feel pretty weird the first couple of weeks. I would yawn a lot and feel kind of twitchy. This didn’t last. My sleep was disturbed due to depression, so it was hard to say if the medication made it any worse right when I started, but it did get better. Ultimately I found antidepressants extremely helpful. The only long-term side effects I had were from SSRIs, and this is unfortunately somewhat common – difficulty achieving orgasm. This is NOT common with Wellbutrin, so please don’t worry about it. The one time I was trying to taper off Zoloft and felt like the depression was coming back we just stopped tapering and then restarted when I was comfortable a few months later, at an extremely slow schedule. It was fine.
Pogo says
It’s important to taper under your doctor’s orders and to do so slowly, otherwise I have experienced the brain zaps you hear about.
Otherwise, I would say the side effects while on SSRIs are somewhat minimal. Everyone always talks about libido, but being super depressed is another sure way to kill your s*x life. Weight gain – same thing. I always gain weight on SSRIs, but I also don’t eat when I’m depressed because… I’m depressed.
lsw says
I just started Wellbutrin with no negative side effects. I’m at about a month and just moved up to Wellbutrin XL (was doing the 12 hour once a day for the first three weeks). I was very nervous about it but it has been absolutely fine. My favorite side effect so far is that healthy/good food tastes SO GOOD to me right now! The only odd side effect is that I am having more dreams in the morning (not bad ones, and likely I’m just sleeping more lightly and remembering them more).
Coach Laura says
I was worried about seizures too. Googling (reputable sources) state that seizure rates are low. Additionally, seizure is rare but more likely at 450mg per day. I was prescribed 150 or 300. There have been prescribing errors so check your dosage and ask doc/pharmacist with questions.
Here’s the quote “Because bupropion is associated with a dose-related risk of seizure, patients receiving in excess of the maximum recommended daily dose of 450 mg are at increased risk for seizure.”
And “At doses of up to 300mg/day of the sustained-release formulation (Wellbutrin SR), the incidence of seizure is approximately 0.1 percent, or a seizure possibly occurring in 1 out of every 1,000 patients. At doses of 300 mg/day to 450 mg/day of the immediate-release formulation (Wellbutrin [bupropion HCl]), the incidence of seizure is approximately 0.4 percent, or possibly 4 patients with a seizure out of every 1,000 patients.” Will add link in reply.
Risk of seizure is higher in people who have had seizures, are withdrawing from alcohol or cocaine and history of head injury.
Coach Laura says
https://www.rxlist.com/wellbutrin-drug.htm#warnings
https://psychnews.psychiatryonline.org/doi/full/10.1176/pn.41.6.0016