My daughter is almost six, and since she was old enough to link presents with Christmas, we’ve had her make her own gifts: handmade cards, handprint/footprint art, and decorated cookies.
Like many parents-turned-teachers, I bought lots of “educational” supplies and kits back in the spring. Although most are gathering dust, she begged us to open up her soap making kit one rainy weekend. I was impressed: The kit goes beyond just making soap and explains the science and chemistry behind it (very educational and with the times).
She got to decorate her lab with the included stickers, and as a bonus, she’s made almost enough soap to give to everyone for the holidays. Now, the kit doesn’t come with that much glycerin, so if you want to make more than a few tiny hotel-sized bars, you have to buy more (Amazon to the rescue). We even made some larger bars with some Disney-themed silicone molds I had. We haven’t tried making bath bombs yet, but it’s going to be a long winter.
The kit is $29.95 at Nordstrom. Soap & Bath Bomb STEM Craft Kit
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Sales of Note…
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Nordstrom – The Half-Yearly Sale has started! See our thoughts here.
- Ann Taylor – $50 off $150; $100 off $250+; extra 30% off all sale styles
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 25% off purchase
- Eloquii – 60% off all tops
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off “dressed up” styles (lots of cute dresses!); extra 50% off select sale
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything; 60% off 100s of summer faves; extra 60% off clearance
- Loft – 40% off tops; 30% off full-price styles
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Talbots – 25-40% off select styles
- Zappos – 28,000+ sale items (for women)! Check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kid shoe brands on sale.
Kid/Family Sales
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off kids’ camp styles; extra 50% off select sale
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off summer pajamas; up to 50% off all baby styles (semi-annual baby event!)
- Carter’s – Summer deals from $5; up to 60% off swim
- Old Navy – 30% off your order; kid/toddler/baby tees $4
- Target – Kids’ swim from $8; summer accessories from $10
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
What would you do says
Another what-would-you-do vaccine question: my husband and I are currently trying to have a baby. He works in critical care at a large academic hospital and personally treats many of COVID patients. He is in the priority group at his hospital to get the vaccine, potentially as soon as a week or two after approval. (Obviously timing and priority groups could change). We’ve been debating, and I’d love any thoughts if you were in my shoes, on whether he should get the vaccine and we carry on as normal, he opts out for now until after I’m pregnant/ideally through first trimester, or if he gets it but we hold off on trying for a few cycles.
(Medical input has largely been supportive of any of these but not sure what we personally think is best given both his continuing care of covid cases and concerns about minimizing potential pregnancy risks.)
Anon says
I’m not an MD but I would have him get it ASAP and not skip any trying.
anon says
+1
anon says
We know getting sick with COVID can have long term effects. We haven’t identified any long term issues for the vaccine. I’d have him get the vaccine.
Anon says
I think it’s probably fine for them to continue TTC as normal, but this “Covid bad, vaccine good” analysis is a huge oversimplification. In the risk-benefit analysis, the risks of the vaccine may be low, but the risks of having the husband wear a condom for a couple months are even lower (even if they’re older and have been TTC for a while, a couple months is nothing in the big scheme of things). I don’t know of any way the vaccine can affect sperm, so it probably is fine since it’s the husband getting vaxxed. But if it were OP herself potentially getting the vax, I think it might be well worth skipping one month to avoid spiking a very high fever in what turns out to be her first couple weeks of pregnancy. That nuance is lost in a post that just weighs Covid risks against vaccine risks.
Anonymous says
Nah covid bad vaccine good is a pretty good rule of thumb
CPA Lady says
I think TTC is less important than getting vaccinated against a potentially deadly illness that he is exposed to on a daily basis. He should definitely get the shot. Whether or not you decided to give it a bit of time after he gets it to TTC is a personal choice. I think it depends on other factors too, like your age. If you’re 40 I wouldn’t stop TTC. If you’re 26, then you can take off a couple of months if it makes you feel better.
Source: random lady on the internet with zero medical training who is talking completely out of her @ss.
Boston Legal Eagle says
+1 He should absolutely, 100% get the vaccine. IANA doctor so I don’t know of the potential effects of the vaccine on sperm (likely minor?) but whether you TTC will be based on that. As a doctor, I’m sure he’ll be briefed on the risks. The second dose is given 21 days after the first, I believe, if that impacts your timing.
Anonymous says
Pfizer is 21 days, Moderna is 28 days (in the trials, I don’t know if there will be any flexibility in real life). His hospital will likely have both before the end of the year and long term there’s likely to be more Moderna supply in the US. Pfizer has had more manufacturing hiccups and has also promised a larger % if their supply to non-US countries.
anon says
Waiting to get the shots until pregnant seems like the obviously worst choice as we know high fever is dangerous, particularly in early pregnancy, so not taking steps to mitigate that risk seems obviously counterproductive.
Anon says
She would not be vaccinated. Her husband would. If he gets a fever it would be a side effect that I doubt she would catch. Seems like she is concerned it could impact sperm and if she’s already pregnant that doesn’t matter. But I agree with getting it beforehand – the risk of him getting Covid while she is pregnant, before getting the shot, is not insignificant.
anon says
What’s the concern about him getting vaccinated and you getting pregnant the same month? I could see how it might be a problem if it was you getting vaccinated, but is there a concern about something passing through sperm to an embryo?
Serious question, since I haven’t heard anything about this!
NYCer says
If I were you, I would 100% defer to my husband aka the doctor on this one.
In my completely un-medical opinion, I would say he should get the vaccine as soon as he can and then you continue trying right away.
Anonanonanon says
He should get it. There are so many horrible stories of pregnant women with no other underlying conditions getting COVID and never getting to meet their babies.
Also, as someone very deep in the logistics of this right now, it’s not really a “naw I’ll get it in a couple of months, please hold my dose for me” situation. He needs to get it when it’s offered.
Anonymous says
how is this a question? Obviously he gets the vaccine immediately. So that he doesn’t die of covid.
Anonymous says
Frankly I’m disturbed a doctor would consider not getting the vaccine over this nonsense and still go in and treat patients.
Anon says
+1! Also be sure he’s not required to get it ASAP by his employer, I think so far healthcare systems are mostly not requiring their employees to get it, but they have the legal right to.
OP says
Oh he would definitely get it and relatively soon. There are more people in the priority group than they expect to immediately be able to vaccinate so within that have asked people to self identify for earlier vs a month or two later. Being relatively younger we also suspect that even if he doesn’t ask, he may be told to wait depending on supply.
I’m sure you didn’t mean it this way but your comment read pretty rude, particularly to my husband. This is someone who rotated between the same two N95 masks for 6 weeks straight in March and April and saw more death than most of us can imagine. We are certainly not taking this cavalierly, and if my original phrasing required me to oversimplify for concision (and perhaps allowed fear of the unknown overtake me) and as a result implied that we do not take this incredibly seriously, I apologize.
Anon says
I appreciate the sacrifices your husband has been making and continues to make to care for Covid patients, but you literally said one possibility you were considering was “he opts out for now until after I’m pregnant/ideally through first trimester.” I don’t understand how that isn’t delaying the vaccine for a minimum of 3 months (and potentially much longer depending on how long it takes you to conceive). Healthcare workers actively treating Covid patients will certainly have the opportunity to be vaccinated by next month, so your original post implied that he was considering delaying it even after it was available to him.
Anonymous says
I mean, yes it was rude, but it was jarring to me (not anon at 9:30) that a doctor working in critical care with covid patients would think that TTC timing is a good reason to delay a literally life-saving vaccination. Particularly *because* I assumed that he has seen a bunch of tragedy and death resulting from covid, and fully understands that even if he is young and healthy and might get an asymptomatic case, he could infect others. The likelihood of that is much higher given his frequent exposure, and as a doctor, he should be First, Doing No Harm.
If he wants to let his 50+ year old colleagues go ahead of him in the vaccine line, I get it (my dad is a 65 year old ER doctor, and I would appreciate a 30 year old letting him have priority!). But that’s not the reason you gave for him potentially delaying vaccination.
Realist says
Sperm regeneration takes 2-3 months. So if there is some concern that the vaccine affects sperm quality (seems unlikely that it would in a serious way, but no one knows), then I would think you would postpone TTC until 4 months after the second vaccine dose. Which might mean 6+ months if you also planned to get the vaccine when it was available and wanted to wait a few weeks after your own second dose to TTC. For some that timeline wouldn’t be a big deal, but for others it might be a very big deal to put it off that long. Life is trade offs.
Anonymous says
There isn’t any legit concern though. And a doctor should know that.
Anon says
My best friend’s husband treats very ill cardiac patients and he had potential covid exposure this week- the hospital’s response is he should keep working and not get tested…my friend is also a doctor and her kids are in school.
Anon says
To be fair, it’s totally unclear if the initial vaccines will prevent spread at all (until we reach herd immunity). So far all we know is that they make the vaccinated person much less likely to get sick and especially unlikely to get severely ill and die. Given how much Covid spread is asymptomatic, doctors getting vaccinated may have limited to no benefit to the family/friends/patients of those doctors because they may still be disease carriers.
Anon says
This is my concern. My husband is an essential employee that in normal times works with the public (federal branch of law enforcement) and is currently only working the public in-person 20% of the time now. His office is trying to get them on the priority vaccine list (not round 1 but before the general public) and then return to doing in-person service. He is pushing back a bit and saying he will absolutely take the vaccine but until it is proven that he won’t still carry COVID home to me, they should remain on reduced public contact. Most of their job can be done remotely though it is not as effective — talking to a witness over Zoom versus in-person in their home for example.
Anonymous says
Pregnancy risks? Your risk is getting covid and dying. Not some nonsense worry the vaccine is going to denature sperm and damage your fetus.
OP says
Ok thanks all! Sounds like I was overthinking it and it’s a simple answer!
Anonymous says
What possible benefit does it have for him to wait until you’re through the first trimester? I just don’t even understand why this would be desirable. Obviously he should get it immediately when it’s offered, for his own safety, for your safety, and for the safety of everyone else working or being treated in that hospital.
As others have said, depending on your age, I might delay TTC for a cycle or two until a month after his second dose out of an abundance of caution (my layman understanding of how the vaccine works makes me think that it wouldn’t have any effect on sperm, but I also don’t think there’s much data on this and there’s no real downside to getting pregnant 2-3 months later).
Anonymous says
It’s a risk-benefit calculation. He’s treating COVID patients, so the risk of his getting the virus and passing it along to you is enormous. If you are extremely worried about the vaccine’s effect on sperm, the benefits of vaccination are so enormous that no matter how old you are it’s worth waiting a few months to TTC. Or you could have him bank sperm before getting the vaccine and do IUI for a few cycles, assuming you could afford it and find a doctor willing to go along.
I don’t know what the benefit would be of his waiting to be vaccinated until after the first trimester. If you are worried about having a miscarriage and having to try again, you would have to wait a while after the miscarriage anyway.
FWIW, I am extremely suspicious of the mRNA vaccine technology, and I’m still planning to have my whole family vaccinated as soon as it’s available to us. The risk of becoming a COVID long-hauler seems to be of much greater magnitude than the risk of the mRNA vaccine’s causing cancer or something down the line. I would be even more anxious to get the vaccine if I were planning to TTC.
Anonymous says
Wouldn’t his and/or your catching COVID mess up your plan to TTC?
JM says
I was 11 weeks pregnant when my husband caught COVID at work. This was in March when no one knew anything. We live in a very small apartment and he tried to quarantine in one corner while my toddler and I tried to keep away. I was terrified that I’d catch it, get a high fever, and lose the baby. Have him get the vaccine.
Anon says
If anyone’s still looking for holiday gifts, the Melissa and Doug 3-in-1 tabletop easel was a huge hit with my almost 3 year old last night!
Q for those who do presents as part of their Hanukkah celebrations – how do you fit it all in on a weeknight? We picked DD up at daycare half an hour earlier than normal yesterday, but we still barely had time to eat dinner, light candles and open presents before it was time to get ready for bed and of course she was understandably bummed that she couldn’t play with any of her new toys for more than a couple minutes. And it’s not like we could promise she could play with them tomorrow, because she had to go to school all day the next day. This was the first year she really “gets” presents and it was kind of stressful and unfun because of the rush and how quickly we had to take her new toys away from her. A first world problem, I know, but I’m having serious jealousy right now over everyone who gets to spend Christmas lounging around in PJs and watching kids play with new presents all day. We have two weeks off work and school at Christmas, but of course it rarely aligns with Hanukkah. I’m sort of tempted to just unilaterally reschedule Hanukkah for the Christmas break next year…
AnonATL says
could you give big gifts on the weekend nights and smaller gifts on weeknights? That way she has time to play with the fun gifts all weekend. I’m not Jewish, but husbands family is so apologies if I’m more ignorant than I should be.
Happy Hanukkah to all those who celebrate.
Anon says
Thanks! Not ignorant, that’s probably what we should do, but it’s weird to me because my family always did big gifts on the first and last night, not the weekend days. Also even on weekends you’re technically not supposed to light the candles until sunset which is about 5:30 in my area so we have the same issue of still having to rush off to bed. We could of course give the kid presents earlier in the day but then it’s creeping even further from what I think of as traditional. Of course it’s less drastic than moving the holiday to a whole different day though…
Anonymous says
How early is bedtime?
Anon says
Ideally 6:30 (which means starting the bedtime routine at 6), but we push it to 7 (start getting ready at 6:30) in certain circumstances, including this. She needs a lot of sleep and unfortunately no longer takes naps. I know it won’t be this early forever.
Anonymous says
Genuine question: How on earth do you start the bedtime routine at 6:00 on a normal weeknight? Most people are barely walking in the door after day care pickup at 6:00 if they leave the office at 5:00 on the dot.
Anon says
We live in a small city and don’t have a long commute, and my husband worked from home most of the time even before Covid. Typically I pick her up at 5 (daycare is at my ex-office), we get home at 5:15 and my husband has dinner ready, we eat from 5:15-5:45 or so and then 15-20 minutes of play/cleanup before we start getting ready for bed. If for some reason my husband can’t prep dinner (like he’s out of town or has a late meeting) we would usually do takeout, a frozen item or something that’s crazy fast to cook (like scrambled eggs). We don’t do baths on weeknights normally – if she gets really filthy we do a sponge bath but fortunately that’s rare. Like I said, it’s not hard to push it by half an hour if necessary, but if she’s not in bed by 7 pm we notice the exhaustion.
anon says
Can you flip the order and have her open presents when you get home? Then she could play with the presents while you make dinner.
For Christmas eve, we do presents that can accompany a kid to bed. For instance, slippers or PJs or a stuffie or a bedtime storybook. For tough week nights, I might be tempted to do a bedtime-friendly present for a few early years.
Anonanonanon says
^This. PJs, slippers, robe, new book to read at bedtime, stuffed animal, new light for their room that projects stars or something, etc. I’d do bedtime-friendly gifts on weeknights.
Anonymous says
We don’t do 8 days of presents, so put “big” present opening on the weekends.
For example, last night I stopped working at 5 to make latkes, we lit candles at 5:45 when dinner was ready, ate dinner 6-6:30ish, then let the kids open a token present. Kids each got a pair of Hanukkah pjs (which they could then put on right away) and some gelt that we used to play dreidel (so they each got to eat a couple pieces). All the extended family presents that include actual toys we’re saving to open this weekend. That will probably end up being Saturday morning so they’ll have plenty of time to play with them.
Anonymous says
Our solution does definitely creep away from tradition because we’re doing presents during the 8-day period but not while the candles are lit/after sundown, so I can totally understand how it wouldn’t work for some people!
Io says
We do both Christmas and Hanukkah. Hanukkah gifts are all books, just to avoid this issue. (And 8 books is pretty small % of books we get in a year.)
stowaway says
TFW you discover that the cat has hitched a ride in the bottom of the stroller when you are already three blocks from home and just turning the corner to daycare. Then a little tuxedo face pops out like “are we there yet?”
So that’s how today is going to go, I guess.
Sam says
Bahahaha – I know this was probably annoying but it made my day.
AnotherAnon says
This made my day. Hope the two of you made it home together!
DLC says
This is delightful! (I mean maybe not when you are in the moment, but definitely in the telling)
Anon says
That’s terrifying! Did the cat ride nicely the rest of the way back?
anon says
Op here – yeah, I admit I laughed pretty hard for a few seconds before I panicked and booked it home with toddler and cat still in the stroller. Luckily, troublecat stayed put the whole way back until we were in the elevator, because yeah, no way I was going to catch him if he took off. Toddler thought the whole thing was fantastic, of course.
Anonymous says
Thank goodness for a happy ending! I imagined you trying to stuff kitty into the diaper bag or something to contain him until you got home.
Anon says
Sort of silly question that seems like it should be simple: how do I stop breastfeeding? I never would’ve expected it but I’m still nursing my 17 mo only in the morning and at night. With my first, I exclusively pumped and went through a whole schedule to wean after 6 months but unexpectedly am still going with it this time. He’s getting increasingly unruly about it (wants it but sort fights it) but also is always asking when it isn’t even time (walks up to me and lifts up my shirt). Do I just stop? Any tips on communicating it? I feel sad when he asks but think it’s time.
Anon says
I did ‘don’t offer, don’t refuse’ at 17 months and that worked really well for me, but since your kid is still asking, you could you try light distractions and see if that works. I’m thinking like, he asks, you show him a book or toy and only nurse if ignores the toy and asks to nurse again. That might not work, but I think kids this age tend to be pretty distractable and trying to distract him once but then giving in feels gentler than denying nursing to a kid who really, really wants it.
Anon says
He may cry and ask for it, but only for a day or two. After that kids seem to forget it was even a thing. For your physical comfort, I recommend giving up the feedings one at a time though. Step 1 – replace nighttime nursing with a new routine. A week later: Step 2 – discontinue morning nursing. This seemed to be the one my kids wanted more anyway.
GCA says
I weaned one kid at 19 months and the other at age 2. Both were very clearly comfort nursing only at naptime and bedtime, and have very different personalities. With my first, we subbed in a pacifier. We were consistent: no more milk, you can have snuggles and a binky instead. He was quite calm about it and it resolved within a few days. Within the year we had ditched the pacifier as well.
With my second, we also explained to her (with the help of some play-acting by her beloved stuffies) that the milk was all gone and that she could cuddle a stuffy instead. She never took a pacifier so that wasn’t an option. The screaming resolved after a couple of weeks and then she was very into the ‘no more milk’ stuffed-animal skit. (Cannot think where she gets her stubbornness from… :))
anonn says
Are you sure you want to stop? not being snarky, I though I wanted to stop at 12 months, then around 18 months, and finally just went with it and we stopped at maybe 25 months. She didn’t really “ask” though until 23 months, then that was annoying. The benefit of it being so gradual was I really didn’t notice hormone changes, which I was very worried about. We were at morning and night from probably 20-23 months, then I was away from her at bedtime for maybe 3 nights ( work/babysitter) and decided to just keep sending DH in to put her down and it was fine. mornings went on for another 2 weeks and then just tapered off, I think i took her to the kitchen and gave her cows milk instead.
anon op says
Ha, I’m not sure! He’s started being a bit difficult about it at night which is why I’m considering it – he both fights it but also asks for it? We’ll see how the next week or so goes. If he continues to fight it, I’ll stop but if not, we may last longer. I really never expected to go this long but he’s my last baby and I enjoy the snuggles. Thanks for the comments.
Anonymous says
With my first, I dropped the morning session by having dad handle wake ups for a few days. The evening session got dropped when I went out of town. I was banking on not being available, which ended up working. This all happened around 18 months. Depends on the kid, but it’s worth trying shaking up the routine for a few days as a form of distraction. All that said, I’m still nursing my second morning and night at going on 20 months and he seems like he’s going to be more insistent when I try to wean him.
GCA says
oh yeah, there’s a reason I weaned my second at age 2, a good four months after I had originally planned…everyone was home for a large chunk of 2020 and I just couldn’t handle one more disruption on top of everything else!
Ads on Right says
Kat, you’ve got some really obnoxious political ads going on to the right of the page right now (I’m in GA). Any way to limit these? I know you need ad income, but I thought you could limit what types of ads displayed.
Anon says
I think it depends on your own search history. I have ads for the maternity department at my local hospital.
Anon says
Same. i really don’t want to see Greg Abbott when I come to my favorite site! (I’m in TX)
Anonymous says
It’s definitely based on your search history. Kat probably has options to prohibit things like auto-play ads with sound, but otherwise it’s up to the ad marketplace and your own profile what gets shown. Try clearing your browser cache and cookies — you still might get political ads because in the absence of other data it will still know you’re in GA and I hear that’s the center of the political universe these days — but it might help.
anon says
I keep getting auto play ads with sound. It’s a real problem.
Redux says
Yep, my ads are for 3M and their work against COVID. Ads are based on an algorythm of your search history, website cookies, IP address, etc.
anonn says
for months this site always gave me ads for men’s Depends, but some other brand of disposable underwear. I’d say it was NSFW, no idea how my browsing history merited that!
CPA Lady says
Yeah, I regularly get ads from some kind of p#nis condition medical treatment. It involves pictures of curved zucchinis and I would say it’s also borderline NSFW. I have not ever googled anything remotely related to this. I am also getting wine ads. I don’t drink and haven’t in years. The internet is weird.
I do get ads related to stuff I’ve looked up recently but then there’s just also a bunch of random junk.
Anonymous says
The ad algorithm thinks I can read Spanish, am plus-sized, and work as a drug court administrator or a doctor. None of these things is true.
Horse Crazy says
Today, I’m getting an ad for an injectable adult schizophrenia drug…pretty sure there’s nothing in my browsing history that would justify this. So weird!
Anon says
Maybe your AI is trying to tell you something… :)
Walnut says
I’m appreciating my Crest toothpaste ad right now.
Anonymous says
Mine is Mycapssa, which is an oral treatment for acromegaly, which I needed to google. In case anyone is interested, it’s an overproduction of growth hormone that makes your bones get too big, especially in your hands, feet and face. It usually affects middle-aged adults. Maybe my ad is telling me I’m getting old?
And now it just switched to Vermont. “Quarantine Required. Know the rules before you visit” Yes, Vermont, that is why I am no longer planning to patronize your mountains over holiday break from school. Thanks for rubbing salt in that wound.
Anon says
I got Donald Trump ads on the regular site for months (cannot imagine why from my search history). I am getting Subaru ads now. Probably because I searched for a minivan!
Stop that fight! says
Please help! My daughter (age 7) has tendencies toward vanity and “keeping up with the joneses.” I know this is normal for little kids, but I think she is beyond the range of normal. It’s getting to the point where she has a meltdown multiple times a day. Either because she can’t put together the perfect outfit (e.g., I’m not around to style her hair, or her favorite tights are in the wash) and so she doesn’t want to go to school at all…or because she sees a kid at school with some new piece of crap and is furious that we won’t immediately buy it for her…or something else on that spectrum.
I admit that this behavior pushes very specific buttons for me because my birth family has a number of members with vain, keeping-up-with-the-joneses mentalities that have been a challenge for the rest of us. I’m also generally “working on” keeping a calm tone with her even when I am screaming on the inside, by which I mean that I scream and then feel bad about it. I have therefore been trying to defer to my partner on how to handle these hot-button issues…but he is also at his wit’s end after this morning’s drama.
Having discussed between us, we do plan on making her pick out her outfits the night before (to avoid schoolday meltdowns). I was also thinking of giving her an allowance (she is a surprisingly helpful kid for her age and assists us with cleanup, laundry and food prep) and basically telling her that if she wants something, she now has a path to earn it. Do these sound like good ideas? Any other suggestions? Truly, I felt I could have strangled her this morning, and I would like to stop having that feeling about my own child!!!
anon says
Ooof, that’s tough, and I feel you. I think I *was* that kid, and I know it pushed my mom’s buttons like crazy. For me, it was all about wishing I fit in better with my peers. I don’t know why my kid brain worked this way because my family wasn’t materialistic at all, but I latched onto wanting *things* as a means to achieve acceptance. It didn’t help that in the late 80s through mid-’90s, it was extremely common for name brands plastered all over everything, and even in my small rural community, they were status symbols. I’m not sure if I have any great solutions, but I wanted to explain where this behavior might be coming from. Try not to assume that your daughter is spoiled or on the verge of being entitled (hard, I know!), but she’s trying to imperfectly express a need or fear that isn’t being met.
AnotherAnon says
+1 to all this. My mom stopped at “we can’t afford that” (we truly couldn’t) but the unmet need was something I had/have to work out for myself (spoiler: it’s much deeper than wanting clothing with labels). I really felt like I had “arrived” when I realized I could afford to wear J Crew to my first full time job. Even today I sometimes use shopping to fill a void of loneliness/boredom. Sorry I don’t have better advice. TBH, I’d focus on how it triggers you and try to ameliorate that. Why she’s doing it is her own issue to work out, IMHO.
anon says
YES, SAME. We truly couldn’t afford that, and I completely relate to feeling like I’d arrived when I could finally afford certain brands on my own. I’m more mindful of it now, but I sometimes still struggle with trying to buy happiness. Working on it.
I’m not sure what my mom could’ve done differently.
Anonymous says
Same here. I remember feeling incredibly fancy when I got a part-time job in college and could afford to buy all of my clothes instead of sewing them myself or having my mother sew them. Now, ironically, it’s more expensive to sew clothing than to buy it, and my kid gets very excited about the few things I do make her because they are a novelty.
Anonymous says
Is she your oldest/only? I also have a 7 year old and she could not be more of the opposite. She has some friends that act like your daughter but they are second/third kids and I think have absorbed some of it from older siblings.
My middle child isn’t “keeping up with the joneses” in that sense, but has the exact same behavior around her outfits (vs my 7 y/o who we sometimes have to send back because the outfit she chose is really stupid [and she is totally fine with this feedback]). So I think you approach this two ways:
1. outfits/getting ready: pick the outfit the night before. If she wants you to do her hair, she gets up early enough for it. Otherwise, you get what you get. Get your @ss on the bus. My 7 y/o can be a slowpoke and we have an agreement that if she misses the bus because she’s being slow she gets an extra chore when she gets home because driving her is a PITA.
2. stuff: I wholly agree with the allowance idea, esp for toys. My kid wanted the lego hospital a few years ago and had no idea how much $100 was. So we talked about it and then she counted the money in her piggy bank and she was very short. But she earned some money and was gifted some and i let her know when it went on sale for $80 and she went and bought it her not-even-5-year-old self. She talks about it almost 3 years later.
In fact, you could also start involving her in clothing purchases. don’t give her $$ as an allowance but talk about what’s reasonable to spend on clothing and let her have some say on what she wants/how she wants to spend it (one pair of uggs vs 5 sweaters vs 20 t shirts from target). It’s a little young but it sounds like she may be up for taking something like this on.
Anonymous says
The obsession with her own appearance and wanting “stuff” that other kids have seem like two fairly distinct issues to me. I almost wonder if the fixation on her appearance is anxiety or OCD manifesting itself, or if she’s looking for a reason to not go to school and just pinning it on a pair of tights not being clean. I feel like it might be worth discussing that with the ped.
I like the idea of having to use her allowance if she wants to buy stuff. I think if you hold your ground on not buying every random piece of crap she asks for, the tantrums will eventually pass. Kids become spoiled when their parents give in to those tantrums and buy them whatever they’re demanding.
Anon says
My DS is like this with clothes and grooming – always has to be just so – and it can make things stressful! Picking outfits the night before was almost more stressful (for me) because I was still expected to have his favorites clean and at the ready every day. We switched to something similar to this and started planning clothes out weekly: https://www.amazon.com/Activity-Organizer-Organize-Childrens-Activities/dp/B004DJEYK6/ref=asc_df_B004DJEYK6/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=216553642992&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=1708049308169210420&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9001880&hvtargid=pla-384804316476&psc=1 Everything out down to socks and underwear gets organized in its daily cubby and it’s worked out really well for us. We are also in the process of teaching him to do his own hair with product, which I realize is probably a bit different for a girl, but it’s giving him a sense of independence and autonomy over his appearance.
anonamommy says
I was that kid – I’m not sure about 7, but certainly by 8 or 9. For me it was rooted in the few popular girls (I recognize them now as classic mean girls) being really mean about things other people were wearing, and I didn’t want to wear anything that would draw negative attention to myself. Does it happen just when she’s going to school, or other places too?
In addition to talking to the ped, you may want to check in with the teacher to see if there’s more possibly driving your daughter’s behavior than what you’re getting at home.
anon says
+1. I made a similar comment above. It was driven by a desire to fit in, blend in, what have you. The girls in my grade were pretty vicious.
Stop that fight! says
Thanks everyone. She is the older of two children. Her school is very hippie-ish, she is definitely more focused on fashion than her friends are (she is the oldest in her class and a real leader/bossy girl, also has two BFFs and many other friends), and to be honest she has always been very focused on style, since before she was even 2 years old. I think it’s just her nature, nothing environmental or foisted on her by her peers. That said, she is also rigid around other things, like her art projects and writing. So there are a few issues coming together here. She may even have some low-grade anxiety/OCD that is playing it, and we have thought about getting her a therapist/group therapy/play therapty, although we’d prefer to wait until we all get our COVID vaccines and can do it in person. (To the first poster today, your husband should absolutely 100% get vaccinated at the first opportunity!!!) I appreciate all the support and commiseration.
Anonymous says
Oh! My daughter sounds a lot like your daughter and I finally pulled the trigger and started play therapy (through school even!) virtually during COVID. It’s…life changing. We’ve only had a few sessions and I can already see the best parts of her personality getting more space to shine, instead of disappearing behind the insecurities and worries. Which is just to say…if you are thinking play therapy would be helpful, don’t wait until you can do it in person. The therapists have found ways to make virtual therapy work. Kids who need it, need it more than ever right now and the winter is going to be worse. Hugs.
Redux says
Oh man, so much commiseration. I viscerally recall feeling this way when I was in middle school. I desperately wanted a tshirt from the Gap that said GAP across the chest, but my mom reasonably balked at the pricetag ($18 for a tshirt you will outgrow in a year? hard no). I remember feeling so insecure and frankly miserable. I was a lot older than your kiddo, though, and I think it was a pretty common experience for middle school girls.
My DD is about to turn 7 as has started noticing more and more what the other girls have. She suddenly got very into headbands and hair ties which was easy to indulge and doesn’t have the same issue of laundry that clothes have. If it were us, I think I would treat the tantrum like any other (meaning: nip it in the bud) and think up ways for her to have more control over her clothes so that any aberrations are hers to own. Since she is already helpful with the laundry, could you put her in charge of her own laundry? That way she can plan when to do her laundry so that her outfits are ready when she wants them. Also consider steering her to accessories like hair ties, necklaces, etc. that are ever at the ready.
Anonymous says
I think your daughter sounds distressed an anxious and needs help and support. You judging a 7 year old as vain is developmentally inappropriate and yelling at her is not ok. You need to recognize that she’s struggling and try to help.
Anonymous says
This is harsh. Kids do have genuine quirks, weaknesses, or character flaws, and they’re not all caused by anxiety brought on by inadequate parenting. This kind of thinking is why moms are all so stressed out. If our kids aren’t perfect, it’s our fault. If they’re not happy every second of the day and wildly successful at everything, we’re supposed to do whatever it takes to fix it. A parent’s job is to provide structure, guidance, and security. That may include calling out poor attitudes and behavior on the part of her offspring.
Anon says
This is so rude. If you’ve never lost your cool with your kids, congrats on the perfect mom-ing I guess? But here in the real world most of us yell at our kids on occasion. If she were a bad mom she wouldn’t feel bad about yelling and she wouldn’t be seeking out advice about how to help her kid cope.
Anon says
I agree. There are some people on this site that seem to think that ever losing your cool is a huge flaw. My mom was one of the best moms in the world and she yelled sometimes. I am extremely well-adjusted and professionally/personally/educationally successful. She was and is excellent at providing structure and security (and decent on guidance :)). I am big advocate of (safely) feeling your feelings. I think that’s better for kids than having to pretending to be unflappable.
anonamommy says
The featured item today reminded me that I have a question for moms of girls. My 5 year old is asking for bubble baths. I have a terrible association with them because as a kid I would play in a bubble bath for an hour and then within days have a raging UTI (repeat every 4-5 months). Are there any brands that are gentler on little bodies, or any other ways to avoid UTIs in a child? Thanks!
Anonymous says
ugh that sounds miserable! FWIW, I have never gotten a UTI from a bubble bath and neither has my daughter, but this probably has a genetic component. For the kids, we mostly use Loreal Kids, Mr Bubble, and Johnson & Johnson products.
Maybe preventative cranberry juice would help?
anon says
My kids only spend about 30 minutes in a bath at a time, but have never gotten UTIs. We use Disney Frozen bubble bath (‘gentle and hypoallergenic’, which I sure they’re all marketed as ). As a kid I used to get rashes from some brands of bubble bath, so there probably is some genetic/individual responses. But you’re probably safe to try it once, know to look out for UTI signs, and then stop if your daughter has the same effects.
anon says
We also use the Frozen bubble bath several times a week, and so far, so good. I do think some people are just more susceptible to UTI issues, though.
Anon says
Growing up my mom always told me I couldn’t use bubble bath (or go in hot tubs) because it would give me a UTI (she just said “infection” but I later figured out what she meant). I thought she was crazy, so I feel weirdly validated knowing this actually happens to some people. Sorry you had to deal with that though.
Anonymous says
There used to be (maybe still is) a warning on the back of Mr Bubbles about UTIs
No Face says
The Frozen bubble bath gave my oldest a rash unfortunately. Instead of bubble bath I use tablets that change the color of the water, and lots of toys. I also put baking soda in the water per my peds advice.
Realist says
There are definitely brands that use ingredients for sensitive skin. Honest Co, Babyganics, etc. I always help my child rinse with clean water after a bubble bath because of sensitive skin. Maybe it also helps to have her pee right after the bath?
anon says
We really like the ThinkBaby bubble bath. We try to do soap and bubbles at the end of the bath which I read helps. So about five minutes before I get my daughter out, we do some bubbles she can play with and I soap her up, rinse, and then out.
Maybe you could get some other cool bath toys though to substitute? We have a battery-operated water sprayer that is very popular. We also do bath color tabs which are really fun!
CCLA says
We do them only rarely, mostly because I am lazy, but we have been using Alaffia the last few times and my two girls have tolerated it well, and we are a sensitive skinned bunch.
Anon says
If you want to prevent UTIs, I would ask your doctor about giving her d-mannose (otc). There’s a powder that you can mix in water. I don’t have a brand recommendation but I anti-recommend Mr. Bubble.
cbackson says
Y’all, I need a little emotional support/advice. My almost-6-month-old has sprouted two teeth, and with that, is now occasionally biting during nursing in the daytime. This morning, he bit me so hard that I expected to see blood when I got him unlatched. I’ve read all the stuff online on how to stop baby from biting, but the truth is that it hurt so much that I’m scared to nurse him. I guess I’m just looking for some support/affirmation that I’m not a terrible person for considering weaning because of this – it feels like every website’s advice is basically to grin and bear it while you work through a process of training your child out of biting but I am not sure I can do that. Up to now I loved nursing – and he doesn’t bite at night because he’s more focused, so maybe I could keep those sessions but fully convert to bottles for the daytime (he already gets a bottle from the nanny at lunch so that I can get a longer block of work in).
Anon says
You’re not a bad person for weaning if he’s biting! My cousin weaned for this reason too. If you want to keep going, I wonder if n*pple shields might help. I used one for other reasons and never felt any biting. It’s very possible my kid was just not a biter, but having a big piece of silicone over everything does seem like it would make any biting hurt substantially less.
anon says
Yeah, I definitely had a hardcore flinch response for several days every single time I latched mine after he bit me the worst time. It was not good. I would sit there knowing he was getting hungry and find excuses to put off feeding him for just ten minutes more. Then I would sit there while he nursed with my hand poised to unlatch him.
Good news — he’s fifteen months now and still nurses 2x/day and the biting is just some hazy memory of a bad few days when he was six months old. He got the idea not to bite way way way faster than I thought possible.
I don’t think weaning is where you want to go with this, not because you shouldn’t wean when you want to, but because it’s not like you can go cold turkey so you’ll still have to nurse him a bunch to wean, which is how to solve the problem anyway.
layered bob says
Being bit by tiny emerging baby teeth is uniquely painful – they are SO SHARP. If you otherwise love nursing, then I think the grin/cry and bear it advice is really the way to go; it’s truly such a short time that the biting is really bad, even though it doesn’t seem like it when you’re being bit.
AnonATL says
I just weaned my little guy at 4.5 months. It wasn’t exactly my plan to wean so early, but he has been such a distracted eater that my supply tanked. He was also about 60% on formula at that point so my nursing wasn’t contributing a ton to his daily intake. I felt a lot of guilt for a few days, which is silly looking back. We’re about 2 weeks in now, and everything is going smoothly.
Dropping those daytime feedings could work while you keep the morning & bedtime sessions. Maybe pump today just to have some distance from it, and start fresh with one of the good nursing sessions.
Good luck!
Anonymous says
Did you unlatch him immediately? Asking because from your wording it kind of sounds like you kept going for a while. Any biting should trigger a loud “No!” and immediate unlatching. You can also refuse to nurse for a few hours or even the rest of the day (do bottles if he’s hungry of course). You wouldn’t think a 6 month old can learn quickly, but in my experience they actually do. Many kids don’t bite more than a couple times… they don’t like having their meals interrupted!
cbackson says
Yes, I’ve unlatched him immediately each time it happened and followed all the advice about saying no, pausing the nursing session, etc.
No Face says
Just confirming that it is perfectly fine for you to stop nursing altogether, or switch to formula/pumped milk during the day or nursing at night.
I decided that I would not nurse a biter. It was sheer dumb luck that both my kids grew teeth so late it was never a problem.
SC says
You are not a terrible person or a bad mother for deciding to wean at any time! This is honestly a large part of why I decided to wean. I was also having a hard time keeping a pumping schedule at work and leaving work on time to nurse, and my supply was dropping as I missed pumping/nursing sessions. And, once my son could hold his own bottle, he seemed to prefer bottles, and he was resisting nursing so he could look around the room. But also, the biting! Ouch!
Anon says
YES! You’ve done great nursing for six months. Many people are unable to do even that. You may wean whenever you like. No more guilt. Moms deal with enough already.
Anonymous says
If you no longer love nursing, this internet stranger validates your decision to cut back or stop. FWIW, when my daughter self-weaned at 9 months, it made me a more relaxed, more confident, less resentful, all-around happier and better mom because I no longer felt obligated to sacrifice my bodily integrity on the altar of motherhood.
Katala says
My second was a biter, also did it more while distracted and not really at night. It contributed to weaning at around 8 months vs. 15 months for my oldest. It really does hurt a surprising amount, and I was also scared to nurse after the worst couple. He was able to learn pretty quickly not to do it. But we also weaned fairly soon thereafter. You need to do what you feel is right. You’ve made it almost 6 months, that’s great! And it’s great if you wean fully now, just drop day feedings, stop pumping, supplement with formula or any combination that is right for your family.
Anonymous says
I realize this is very child specific but nonetheless would love some ideas to start with since for various reasons we are not going to go to a shoe store. My 5 year old is very very very particular about the feeling of shoes (as was I, as a child and now). We usually have one pair of sneakers, one pair of crocs or sandals, and one pair of boots. At this point he will barely agree to wear sneakers because he can’t get them just right. We’ve tried a few brands over the last year and now that he’s ready for the next size — what sneakers do your kids find the most comfortable?? He wore new balance for three years without issue but they are now causing tantrums, as are adidas. Can’t yet tie shoes (Xmas break project?), has enormous feet. What comfy sneakers do your kids love?
Anonymous says
Have you tried New Balance in the wide width? Also, is it possible he has a high arch and/or instep? I have narrow feet with high arches and high insteps. It’s difficult to find shoes that don’t slip off my heel or let the ball of my foot slide from side to side, while at the same time supporting my arch and not mashing the top of my foot. If he has similar issues, you are going to have to try every sneaker you can find until you figure out what works. I currently wear Mizuno running shoes and have had some luck with Nikes..
Anonymous says
Thanks. OP here. Both kiddo and I have super high instep and arch. He used to have wide feet but no longer. I only wear adidas sneakers for this reason but he’s definitely struggling and I’m out of ideas of what to try. Hoping that shoes with laces may help.
Anonymous says
At age 5 you can definitely teach him to tie his shoes. Lace-up shoes may not fix the problem, though. When the upper of the shoe is too short, loosening the laces doesn’t help much.
Anonymous says
Yep it’s our plan over break- just no time before. I’m able to lace my shoes a special way to keep them from slipping on my heel- might work for him too. Just hoping for any suggestions of where to start do we’re not ordering $1000 worth of shoes.
CCLA says
We’ve used tsukihoshi almost exclusively for the last 2 years for my 4yo, but she has pretty regular sized feet. They seem easier to get right when putting on because the tongue is attached on one side, which seems weird at first but is actually brilliant. If you can swing it I’d order a handful of different pairs and let him try on at home, let him pick the winner and return the rest.
octagon says
We have had good luck with both the Nike and New Balance kids sneakers, velcro closure. I know it won’t work for everyone, but I will order 4-5 pair at a time from Zappos and play “shoe store” and send kiddo walking around the house, to look in the floor-length mirror, etc., and gradually narrow down which ones feel best.
Anonymous says
My son also has high arches and high insteps and it is tough to find shoes. He actually likes these that were recommended here a couple months ago: https://www.zappos.com/p/nike-kids-revolution-5-little-kid-racer-blue-white-black/product/9271647/color/597759. I did order a wide width to give him more room.
Also, I found this website with specific recommendations for different fitting issues: https://fittingchildrenshoes.com/the-best-shoes-for-high-instep-stop-getting-the-wrong-shoe-size-for-your-child
I have yet to try any of the recommended shoes other than Bog’s snowboots (deemed acceptable by my son, not great).
FWIW, laces do sometimes give you a little more wiggle room in the top of the shoe, as you can customize the fit. But for my son we actually had to buy longer laces than came with his shoes to give him enough room (and to make it easier for him to tie, since he was just learning).
Anonymous says
OP, my kid has high insteps and I have a response with a specific recommendation stuck in mod – check back later
Anon says
I know it’s late in the day but was wondering if anyone could offer advice about choosing a 529 – our state allows tax deductions for contribution to any plan so there are a lot to choose from. I’m trying figure out what makes one plan better or not and I just cannot get a handle on it. If i look at something like Vanguard’s 529 plan based out of Nevada, it has not great performance ratings but surely that is due to the economy? Or if I look at West Virginia’s, it’s very highly rated but nobody seems to be selecting it. I know the answer is to just pick one but wanted to see if anyone had any sage advice. I have read the posts on this blog about 529s. :)
Anon says
Oh man that would give me decision paralysis! Our state has a generous tax credit but you have to use the state’s plan so the choice was easy for us. Re:the economy I think they shouldn’t be performing too badly? Despite the Covid chaos the stock markets are doing pretty well. My 529 is just invested in the S&P 500, which is up if you look at last year or year to date.
Anonymous says
I live in MA. We have one 529 in Utah and one with MA. I opened the Utah one before MA gave a deduction. We opened the second one for my 2nd kiddo with MA to make it easy since we have other accounts with fidelity.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Also in MA, also have one (non-MA) one with Vanguard and the MA one with Fidelity. I would go with the big broker names – Vanguard and Fidelity – and pick a fund that meets your risk tolerance. I’m not even sure what state the Vanguard one is but it seems to have done fine this year.
Anon says
What is the benefit of opening two accounts in two different states? Right now my husband and I each opened up one in our home state, and I contribute more to mine than the tax benefit limit. Thank you wise hive!