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I’ve started being more consistent about wearing mascara, and the reason I wear it every day is because I really like this one from Maybelline. I’ve previously bought mascara, but either it was so uncomfortable to wear or ended up around my eyes that I would give up. I originally was searching for “tube mascara” and actually thought this was it, and it’s not. However, this formulation really stays put all day long. It doesn’t flake or rub, and the best description I can use is that it’s just comfortable. I don’t notice I’m wearing it, but it makes my lashes longer and fuller, and I don’t have to use a separate curler. My only nitpick is I wish the brush were a little smaller to reach the lashes in the corners, but other than that, I’m definitely going to be loyal to it! It is $5.69 at Target. Snapscara Washable Mascara This post contains affiliate links and CorporetteMoms may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!Sales of note for 3.18.24
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Anonforthis says
I’m starting to feel a little anxious about announcing my pregnancy. Not because I think people are going to react poorly, but because of the identity shift that comes along with it. I’m going to be pregnant-me for a while and then mom-me for the rest of my life and never this version of me again. Just makes it all seem very real and scary all of a sudden.
Not sure what I’m looking for here… obviously there are going to be a lot of great things happening, but it doesn’t make it any less scary.
Anonymous says
I totally get it! My first pregnancy I wish I could’ve been pregnant and then just magically had the baby without telling anyone. It suddenly turns into all people want to talk about, they offer unsolicited advice, predictions about gender/when you’ll go into labor/the size of your baby/everything!!! But as your bump starts to grow you’ll adjust to your new identity. And the mommy identify adjustment is a LOT. Like a huge emotional adjustment to being needed all the time and no one can fill in for you. But you aren’t alone! Reach out to other pregnant and mom friends to talk and commiserate. We’ve all gone through it or are going through it.
anon says
I was very nervous about this and found it to be very uncomfortable. In the end, after telling my boss, I told the office busy body at work and let her spread the word to everyone else. It took some of the pressure off of telling so many people, but was still awkward.
Anonymous says
This is like all of my friends. Yup. But being a mom doesn’t make you not you. It makes you still you, doing a new thing.
Anonymous says
+1
Anonymous says
I found it weird being pregnant-me because it’s obvious to everyone you meet and bring mom-me into situations where I wouldn’t usually be mom-me (like at work). I really being mom-me, especially because it’s a persona I take on and off when it suits. When I’m at work or with friends I feel like the same me that worked and hung out with friends before I had kids.
ElisaR says
you’re right – you will never be the same after this experience. But that’s part of life and it’s exciting! I was nervous too but that’s natural and also part of life…..
Anon says
I’m due in January.
It was really uncomfortable for me how some people (almost 100% of them women, sadly) who treated me like I ceased being me and started being a womb the moment I got pregnant. It is actually downright dehumanising, and hasn’t done great things for my psyche.
If I could have done it all over again, I would have waited much longer to tell people, because the more time you spend pregnant and still being you, the harder it is for people to shove you into a “pregnant and stopped being her” box.
Nan says
I totally get this! It will be okay and I bet the anticipation will be worse than the reality (i had the same fears and it was for me). I agree with the posters above you say you will still be you, just doing a new thing.
I will add that I waited a long time to tell people about my first (child, not first pregnancy, which was also a factor). And I’m glad I did, especially with coworkers, as it was less time I had to feel like people were treating me differently. YMMV of course.
AwayEmily says
One other option for dealing with the baby talk at work is to kind of lean into it a little bit. Definitely ignore this advice if it’s not your style, but I tried to embrace all the baby stories and advice that came along with pregnancy. It almost always came from a good place — pregnancy and babies are a shared experience. I ended up hearing random stories about sleep training from older people at work I’d barely ever talked to before, seeing pictures of lots of nieces and nephews, and just generally connecting with people in a nice new way. So yeah, people DID treat me differently but only in a social/small-talk kind of way…it did not affect (that I could tell) their assessment of my work, professional interactions, etc. I’m sure this varies by workplace but I wanted to offer some reassurance that being-pregnant-at-work doesn’t have to be a negative experience.
CCLA says
It is uncomfortable to say no sometimes, but I got fed up and just did. I had no issues, and even appreciated, talking with work friends about my pregnancies, but otherwise I got exasperated with people I barely interacted with at the office before asking about my doctor appointments and could they touch my stomach. “Appointments are going fine, but have you paused to consider that if they weren’t, I probably wouldn’t want to tell you and your question could be stressful?” or “No, I am not comfortable with you touching my stomach.” People ask so many intrusive questions of pregnant women and I really believe that putting them on the spot pointing out how their question is inappropriate is the only way things will change over time.
On the other side of two pregnancies, I’ve found kids to be a good relating factor and small talk bucket in a nice way and not at all intrusive in the way pregnancy talk was, and I’m guessing that’s because there’s no constant visual physical state.
Anonymous says
I thought I would share a funny story for Monday. Yesterday, I was cleaning up the house and my 3 year old asked, “what are you doing?”
Me: cleaning up the house
Him: Why? Who is coming over?
Hahaha. Also kind of sad but it’s true. Someone was coming over!
Cb says
Amazing! I’ve got one as well. We went to see Santa on Saturday and my 2 year old was unimpressed by the whole affair. ‘I don’t want to sit on Santa’s knee’ ‘I am ready to go home now!’ ‘I want to go back over there!’ Santa mentioned that he should leave out milk, cookies and a carrot for the reindeer and my son looked at him suspiciously and said ‘where’s the reindeer?’
We went to the botanic light show on Sunday and he started heckling the Santa there. Santa sang the first verse of Jingle Bells and ghe son started chanted ‘Sing the rest, sing the rest!’
Anonymous says
So cute!
rosie says
My toddler heckled a library storytime guest when she was a little over 2-yo (“your hat is right there!” after the hat was supposed to have rolled down a hill or something). Embarrassing although the storytime was longer than usual and there had been no warning it would be a guest storyteller — I think it was definitely geared towards a slightly older age group than that library’s usual storytime & would have skipped if I had known.
anon says
That’s cute!
My 5-year-old totally busted my chops this weekend. DH was loading her into the minivan — my everyday car — and she was all, “Daddy, why does Mommy’s car always smell like Starbucks?”
Oops.
anon says
Lol. When my daughter was two, we passed by a Starbucks and she very loudly proclaimed “Mommy foffee!”
Anon. says
My 2 year-old told the daycare Santa last week that he wants Food for Christmas.
Anon says
well that’s an easy one for you to fulfill!
lsw says
Love all of these. My husband and I recently watched A Knight Before Christmas (no judgment) and in the final scene, some extra in the background exclaims, “Christmas sweethearts!” My husband and I have been saying that all the time to each other, and now my three year old says, “Kwismas swee-hearts!”
Anon says
We are bringing 19 month old DD in for an EEG this afternoon. Any words of wisdom? It’s at a renowned children’s hospital in my major urban area so of course I trust they have experience doing this with uncooperative and very scared toddlers. We were told one parent gets to go in with her. The goal is to get her to fall asleep and wake back up during the 2.5-hour test. I am so nervous this goes very, very poorly.
The silver lining is that if we can get through this friggin’ test we will hopefully be confirmatory that she is not actually having seizures.
rakma says
We’ve seen a few pediatric specialists, and yes, they have all have been very experienced with uncooperative and scared kids. They usually have some tried and true tricks, but I’d bring a bag of comfort items-a stuffy, a blanket, maybe a snack, milk if that’s part of the falling asleep routine. Don’t let DD know you have those things, but if it’s ok to pull them out, it might be helpful to have.
Sending you good thoughts for a successful test and hopefully some answers!
Anonymous says
My daughter was in the hospital twice this year for related surgeries. Even our mid-sized city’s big hospital had a really on-the-ball children’s section so I think you’ll be in good hands. In our experience, both times we were greeted by people whose jobs were just to make the children comfortable. My two-year-old was given her anesthesia face mask in advance so she could become familiar with it. They put stickers on it and covered it in pleasant-scented chapstick. There are toys and play areas for the children to explore during the inevitable waiting periods. The doctors and nurses do their best to talk to you as a parent as well to make sure your concerns are addressed. And when we were admitted, we were given so many toys, blankets, and so on to make our child as comfortable as possible.
And finally, we worried when she was wheeled away for anesthesia, but both times she was successfully preoccupied with a doctor’s phone streaming “Baby Shark.”
ASD1 moms? says
Our daughter initially passed all ASD screenings, probably because people think of only classic autism and not at all about ASK in girls. Kiddo is sweet and outgoing. Engages in imaginative play. Now that she is school aged, it seems that her social skill are lagging by several years and testing has confirmed this.
School is saying that they can’t do anything for her because she is not having any academic difficulties. She is, however, unable to make/keep friends now that she has social skills several years behind her peers, and she is getting unmercifully teased in school (she has some habits, like nose-picking, that are unpleasant and that she needs reminders on, but this is just devastating to her). I don’t know how to help her.
I get that the school (large public school system) isn’t perhaps able to help her, but it is also so disappointing that that they never seemed to care all along (it was me just sensing that something wasn’t right and slowly putting the pieces together). It’s like if she had been blind, they would still be giving her non-braille books and saying that being blind isn’t necessarily an academic problem, so the school has no responsibility to help with what is a major challenge. OTOH, they have kids getting pregnant, shot, dropping out, etc. so if it’s not on the 11:00 news, maybe it’s not really a problem in the big scheme of things (to be clear: it is still a problem to US).
Advice?
Anonymous says
Is she seeing a therapist? She should be I think. They can also recommend a social skills development group as necessary. I’m sorry it is so hard to have to keep fighting.
Anonymous says
It’s not ideal but pretty common for schools to focus on special needs or disabilities only when they affect academic success vs social success. Can you look into OT via your doctor?
anon says
I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this. My son was diagnosed with ADHD in second grade, and I felt the same way you did. Why did nobody seem to care that he was suffering in very real ways, even though his grades were fine? (And why was the onus completely on me to put the pieces together?) Well — having the label actually did help and validate that there was more going on than a “behavior problem.” His social skills also lag several years behind his peers, which means he also has some habits that make it tough to keep and maintain close friendships. We skated by for awhile because he was oblivious, but he’s not anymore, and it’s kind of heartbreaking to watch.
Recognize that your school can only do so much. Is she in therapy? Learning social graces is so, so difficult for some kids. At some point I realized that I couldn’t be both his mom AND his full-time social skills coach. I do what I can, of course, but some of these lessons need to come from someone other than his parents.
So Anon says
I have been down a similar road. My son has ASD1/2. It was a wonderful first grade teacher who pointed out the subtle red flags (no age-appropriate social relationships, fixation on particular topics, no give and take in conversation).
Here is what I did: Yes, my son passed all of the autism screenings, but that is a world of difference from the feedback from a full neuro-psych evaluation. I went to our pediatrician and told her what her teachers and I were seeing. She put in a referral for a developmental pediatrician, where we did the full screening (after a 6 month wait). At the same time as the referral to the developmental pediatrician, we had a full evaluation done by an occupational therapist. Our very awesome OT center recommended one hour of OT per week and suggested the diagnosis that the developmental pediatrician eventually provided. OT has made the biggest difference in my son’s and our family’s life. One of the biggest things they work on is social interactions, how to have appropriate conversations in addition to other particular challenges that my son has (handwriting, understanding the feedback that his body is giving him). The diagnosis from the developmental pediatrician means that the OT sessions are covered by insurance. I also went back to his school with the diagnosis. Because his ASD is not impacting hisi academics, he does not qualify for an IEP. However, he does qualify for a 504, which allows us to provide specific guidelines for him and his classroom (he needs to be told that the conversation has moved on, that the schedule is changing, etc.). It took about 2 years to get all of this into place. Little dude is in 3rd grade now and doing really well!
Anonymous says
Can you say more about “understanding the feedback his body is giving him?”
So Anon says
Sure. The technical term for it is proprioceptive input. He loves deep pressure hugs and the weight of a heavy blanket. The other way I see this manifest in my son is that he does not recognize when his body is hot (he will be sweating like crazy) and refuse to take off his sweatshirt. He will get light-headed from holding his breath during physical activity. He does not recognize his early hunger cues (he takes hangry to a new meaning).
Anonymous says
Thank you!! That’s a helpful way of understanding this. My kiddo in some ways sounds similar and also will be hangry to the max but refuse to eat, get angry when needing to pee, wear a fleece on a 90 degree day…
Anon says
Yes, autism looks different in girls and is diagnosed less frequently, but I would consider that a therapist might be able to provide insight if something else is the problem.
Anonymous says
It is not true that the school can’t help her if she’s not having academic problems. (I mean it may be true that your school is not capable of providing those supports, but legally it is the school’s obligation). Make a written request for a special education evaluation to an administrator so they have to either deny it in writing or grant the evaluation.
anon says
Social skills can impact her ability to access the curriculum. I know my 1st grader spends a chunk of every single day working with peers in reading groups, math groups, and on other academic tasks. She needs to be able to engage in group projects and work with her peers to complete the lesson every single day. The need to work with others only increases as kids get older. I wouldn’t let them dodge this point, but would know that there is a limit to how much support they will provide. You’ll likely want to seek outside supports as well.
So Anon says
The challenge is that schools tend to use standardized testing as the benchmark for whether or not a kid’s academics are being impacted, and most (all?) standardized testing happens solo. In addition, its not whether a kid is living up to their potential but whether they are passing those standardized tests. If anyone is curious on this point, try searching for resources for kids who are twice exceptional.
Io says
The federal laws have changed, but if you say you want testing they basically have to give it to you. If you can get your kid to get suspended (or expelled!) you can demand testing and they have to do it. Does she have bad handwriting? Demand testing for disgraphia. Show up at school everyday for a couple weeks and demand testing. (This is why rich school districts can be bad for kids who are different: a poor or rural district would be jumping at the chance to get more federal money for providing services. It’ll be out of pocket for a “nice” district. The town next to mine growing up forced all the special ed kids out of their district so they wouldn’t have to pay.)
Anonymous says
Have you considered working with a special education advocate to help you navigate the system? My law school even had a special education advocacy clinic.
SJ says
Every state is required to have a Parent Training Center to help families navigate special Ed in public schools. They often have excellent, free advice and connections to local resources. You can Google your state’s and/or find it on the federal Dept of Ed website.
Hang in there. It’s a long road. But your kid is worth it!
Anonymous says
At what age did you give your baby a stuffed animal/blanket/lovie type thing?
AwayEmily says
To have in the crib? At around 10 months for both kids. But we started earlier on trying to build an attachment (giving it to them in the car, while reading stories, etc).
Pogo says
+1 But what the kid actually chooses as their lovey can be so different! Ours didn’t pick his forever lovey until probably 18mos? Before that he was very noncommittal w/ loveys, and preferred his paci (which was a wubbanub). When we got rid of the wubba, he shifted to his Baby (a small soft doll).
This does not mean he doesn’t need all 47 different stuffed animals and other dolls in his bed, but Baby is the one who comes with him everywhere, he cries for her when he gets a boo-boo, etc.
Anonymous says
One of my nephews had a plastic shovel as a lovey for a while.
Anonymous says
Birth.
SC says
Around 5-6 months.
Anonymous says
When they stopped being swaddled.
Anon says
Is it preferable for a baby/toddler to have a lovie type toy? What are the benefits and downsides (if there are any)?
rosie says
Benefit that it helps them self-soothe. You can sleep with it for a few nights before you introduce it so it smells like you (I think the sleep book we used suggested this).
Downside is if it gets lost (I have backups of my kid’s two favorite items — one is a 12”x12” blanket w/an animal head that is maybe the classic lovey style and the other is a random stuffie that we bought in an airport and she became very fond of), if you forget it…I’ve also heard from my dentist that he’s seen some kids chew on blankets and have some bite issues as a result.
Anonymous says
I introduced small muslin loveys (they are about 12×12 inch squares with satin edges) around 6 months. Both of my kids (1.5 and 4.5) are extremely attached to them. Benefits: they self soothe with them, both to fall asleep and to calm down when they are upset. For both of them, this means sucking their thumbs, which they only due when they have the loveys. We give them to them during car rides etc. We are currently going through a rough patch with the 1.5 year old and it is helpful to have something to give him to calm him down when nothing is working.
Downside: 4.5 year old still sucks her thumb when she has it. We had been better about only allowing it in bed before little brother became so attached to his own, but it’s hard to have that boundary when her brother gets to walk around with his. And I’m not willing to put the same restrictions on his lovey yet.
Anon says
To play with? From birth, although she didn’t show much interest in them until maybe 6 months or so. We started taking one on trips with us at about 9 months but it didn’t go in her crib with her until she started asking for it at maybe 16 months (my husband was worried it would mess up her sleep..it did not).
Anonymous says
Not until the pediatrician cleared that we could introduce a pillow and blanket to the crib a little after 18mos. Even then I didn’t actively encourage connection with a lovey because I didn’t want her to develop a sleep crutch that we had successfully managed to avoid. Then one day my daughter randomly just picked a doll she had otherwise never expressed interest in and that was that. Now she has an assortment of things that she enjoys holding at once, including the doll, a stuffed elephant, a wooden elephant, and four little plastic horses. Fortunately, if they’re not available she’ll accept a kiss or any random item as a replacement.
Anonymous says
OP: the school has OTs available, but only for things that are academic. But to me, OT seems to be a primarily non-academic discipline (maybe if you have CP and holding a pencil is difficult, then OT really relates to academics), but it seems to be a broader discipline. Maybe not if the school is footing the bill?
[School system also has psychologists. Not sure what they do though. I think they maybe just deal with parents who get so worked up that the just sue until they either get what they want or get a court to fund private school. FWIW, I am not a suing person — I’d just prefer to get services in school or for someone to flat-out tell me that I need to schedule X at facility Y outside of school and have it noted as an excused absence. JUST TELL ME WHAT TO DO — I HONESTLY NEED A ROADMAP!]
I have zero background in this — I feel like if you have a special needs kid you probably need to at least do some online child-development classes to figure out what the menu of options even is (in school = ?; out of school = maybe something???). I really just want to scream some days and cry on others.
Anonymous says
School psychologists are probably busy with the children who don’t have one or two involved parents trying to get them help and who are responsible enough to follow up. I can’t count the number of child protection cases I had where the parents would not take the kid for follow up PT or OT even after arranged by the school or couldn’t be bothered to show up for the kid’s IEP.
Anonymous says
You need to hire a private child psychologist.
Pogo says
For anyone following – I convinced my RE nurse to schedule by beta for Christmas Eve. She cautioned that if the number is low they’ll make me repeat because it might not be viable, but there’s no concern about the trigger I guess at that point, and if it’s negative, it is a real negative (which I would really appreciate knowing). And if I have to repeat in 48 hours, I also got her on board with letting me pay out of pocket at a Quest/LabCorp where I’m spending the holiday rather than dragging the whole family back to Boston.
I credit some of the wise IVF moms on here for encouraging me to push back in the past on these scheduling conflicts and think outside the box when travelling – so thank you all!
rosie says
Fingers crossed!
Anon says
I missed your original post but re: the repeat in 48 hours, I don’t see why that couldn’t wait until you are back unless it is because you don’t want to wait and really want to know (which I totally get). Medically though, if it is non-viable it is non-viable and if it is viable it still will be when you get back in town. It shouldn’t be medically necessary to know then, though I likely couldn’t wait either.
Anon says
It’s because they need to see if the amount doubles in 48 hours. If you wait longer the results will not be accurate.
Pogo says
yep, that’s what they told me. The doubling is actually more important than the number for viability. Medically it doesn’t *change* anything, I’m kinda with you on that. But if we need to start prepping for the next cycle I’d like to know because I have a lot of work travel coming up in January.
Anon says
Yes on this! Don’t be discouraged by a low number. I had an initial beta of 40 that doubled appropriately and is now a happy healthy boy!
Anonymous says
Yup my first beta was not high, but the progesterone was very high which apparently is a good predictor of the embryo “sticking”. Not everyone knows to ask for the progesterone number. Repeat beta it doubled and I have a healthy 4 month old. The wait sucks though!!
AnotherAnon says
Will be thinking of you over the holiday!
School Decision says
What factors did you consider when choosing a school for your child? My daughter is ready for Kindergarten. Our city’s public school system is not great. The state’s funding rubic is outdated and inadequate, and the size of the student body is increasing faster than funding, especially with our large immigrant population. The elementary school we’re routed to is average, and the middle and high schools are only a couple of years old and not rated yet. There are two very highly regarded private schools in our area we are applying to.
I’m very supportive of public education, and always assumed I would send my child to public school. I went to public school and had a great experience. My husband’s public school experience was very bad, and his parents moved him to a private school. My concerns with private schools are the tuition costs, and I don’t want my daughter to grow up surrounded by “rich white kids” (she is a rich white kid). My husband worries that public schools don’t adequately address bullying or discipline.
Anonymous says
I chose to live somewhere the public schools are good. I’d really encourage you to go visit the public kindergarten.
School Decision says
Is visiting a public school a thing? I can call the private schools to schedule visits, but I’ve never heard of a public school offering that.
Anonymous says
Yes definitely! Ours all have scheduled open houses at a minimum. Certainly worth calling and asking.
Anonymous says
In my experience, yes, you can visit public schools.
anon says
Yes, you can. It’s just not as publicized as private school tours.
Audrey III says
A big factor in us deciding not to send our kids to the public school (which is located on our street) was that I called and asked if I could visit and the answer was no. They said they have an info night once per year, but beyond that, there is no visiting the classrooms — the actual answer I was given was “if you’re zoned for here, you have to go here, so what’s the point of visiting?” I’d still call and ask at yours, though.
Anon says
In my district, visits are offered once per year, so you have to be on the ball to find out when the day is. They’re for parents of rising kindergarteners, but I was able to slip in a year early. I wanted to see if I needed to go all out on private school applications and the visiting day is held after private school applications are due.
Anon says
Ours don’t let you visit any time you want, but parents of younger children can attend the kindergarten open house if they ask.
anon says
I think your husband’s concerns are valid, but I’d also say that they can be highly specific to the individual school. Test scores and ratings are data points but will never provide the full picture of what a school is like. I’d look at how well-regarded the administration is and talk to other parents about how discipline and bullying are handled.
I don’t think there’s a right answer here. It’s really hard, but you almost have to set aside both of your past experiences’ and philosophies and focus on what’s actually happening in front of you. And, you also have to realize that there is no perfect solution (or school) out there.
NYCer says
+1. Extremely well put.
Emily S. says
Our oldest will be in Kindergarten next year, and we’re applying for parochial school. Our zoned public school is embarking on a “turn around” campaign, and the county is beginning a rezoning process, so there’s are unknowns and upheaval that made us nervous. I was a parochial and private school kid; DH was a public school kid. Our metrics are: cost (not much more than daycare), location (equidistant from our house), quality of the schools (we considered second language learning opportunities, phonics, art class, PE/physical extra curricular, after care program, ratings/parochial school is Blue Ribbon), diversity/student population, and most importantly, DD’s personality and academic ability. She’s slow to warm up and does better in small settings and is, by school’s ASQ testing, advanced in social and academic skills, so we thought parochial school would be the best fit. It just checked all the boxes. That was confirmed when we went to an open house and toured the school and met parents. Since cost is a factor for you, you may consider a 529 (at least, my state allows it to be used for private elementary and secondary school) and whether the school offers aid or a discount (our parochial school, for example, is discounted for church members). And know that it is not a lifetime commitment. I moved and started in a few new schools as a kid, and went to school with kids who had been in public schools but moved to private all the way up into HS. (Just to echo your DH’s experience is not unusual.) If you choose private schools for a year or two or 5, you can switch to public later, and vice versa. Like so many things with parenting, there are lots of options and decisions to be made on your experience without clear “yes” or “no” answers. Good luck with the decision making process!
Sarabeth says
You say the elementary school you’re zoned for is average, but what does that mean? Test scores? Something else? There are many many wonderful schools with mediocre test scores, because the major determinant of those scores is socioeconomic status.
In my experience, you can definitely visit public schools. But even more importantly, you should try to talk to anyone you know who has their kid at the school. Ask them what they’ve liked, what they think the school’s challenges are, etc. There is no school that is a good fit for every single kid, so it’s important to push beyond the generic “is it good or bad” conversations.
Are your husband’s concerns about bullying coming from specific information about your local schools, or from his past experience, or something else? In general, I think schools of all stripes tend to take bullying much more seriously now than was the case a few decades ago. And while it sounds like your husband had a good experience in private school, I had a horrible experience with bullying in my own private middle school, so I’d want to investigate that for all of your options, and not just assume that the private schools are a safe choice.
Finally, remember that you don’t have to choose once and for all right now. At least in my area, there are separate entrance points for private school at the middle and high school levels. So if you end up liking the public elementary, I wouldn’t give much weight to considerations about higher grades right now. You’ll end up facing that crossroad in another six years, one way or another.
FWIW: my kids go to a public school in a “failing” district, in a school with pretty bad test scores, and are thriving. And I’m a college professor, so I care intensely about education. Their school is awesome, but it’s never going to get particularly good test scores given the low-income population it serves. Which is…not at all a problem, actually. And my kids are learning a ton about the world by being in a community that is diverse in many ways, including national origin.
Anonymous says
I chose public because it was important to me that kids have exposure to a socio-economic group with some diversity. I learned to stop complaining about my piano lessons when my 4th grade BFF with a taxi driver dad told me she ‘wished her mom and dad could afford piano lessons’. Kids need lived experience too, not just to be told they are well off. That said, we’re in a UMC neighborhood so there are still lots of doctors, lawyers, professors, enginners among the parents but definitely more diversity than the main private school. At least in our area, private school also means ski trip at Christmas, Florida at Easter and Europe in the summer. Also private sports lessons not just rec league stuff. The costs associated are not just tutition.
I’m not sure why but I get the vibe that your DH’s bad public school experience is weighing more heavily than your positive experience.
Anonymous says
Follow the Twitter and check the websites of the schools you are considering, that will give you an idea of the activities they are involved in. E.g. our public school kindergarten does about one field trip a month. October was the pumpkin patch, November was the local science center, December was skating. Specific kids aren’t shown on the Twitter feed but the activities are featured.
Cb says
I’ve been reading more and more research which suggests that schools, absent major safety concern, don’t matter, parents matter. So I’m keeping that in mind when I eye up our marginal local school. I am reassured also that in light of the school’s bad reputation, they’ve brought in an incredibly energetic and thoughtful head and have heard good things about staff and parent engagement and morale. We would definitely be the ‘poor’ family at a private school and I’d rather focus our attention / energies on working within our local community.
Anon says
+1
Anonymous says
Maybe for the median child, but if you have a child who is gifted or has other special needs, the services and opportunities offered vary widely among schools and school districts. Our gifted child is very poorly served in our local public school, but they did allow grade advancement. If we’d sent her to private school she would not have been permitted to advance a grade, but she would have had other opportunities for acceleration in certain subjects. If we had moved to the next county, she would have had access to gifted magnets. In retrospect, that’s what we should have done.
Anonymous says
This varies widely amongst private schools though. One child in my daughter’s class and her sister moved into our large public elementary school because the local religious private school could not address their ADHD issues. They were basically told to not come back if the girls couldn’t ‘behave’ in class.
Anon at 1:22 says
Yes, that further illustrates my point. I am not saying that private school is better, just that not all schools are equipped to meet all students’ needs. In your example, the private school was clearly not equipped to serve the student. In our case, the next county’s public schools are better equipped to teach our child than the local private schools.
Anon says
Yes. There is more than a little cognitive dissonance going on when people are up in arms about Trump voters ruining the world with their racism and billionaires putting themselves above the common good…and then turn around and make classist and racist decisions for their own children. True bullying is a problem; poor and immigrant populations are not. We need to have some skin in the game to improve education and opportunity for all our children.
Anon2 says
Have you talked to parents in the district, or met with the administration/toured the school yourself? We live in a town with poorly rated schools and a bad reputation – but everyone with kids *actually* in the schools is having a great experience, raves about the teachers, and talks about all the positive changes taking place. Honestly, I think much of the poor reputation in my town and many others is that our district is only 20% white (we are white, and are excited for our sons to have that diversity). We believe strongly in public education and sent our son this year – it has been GREAT so far. The only non-starter for me would be safety issues…other than that, please try your local schools, be the involved parents who help lift the tides for all the boats, and realize that your child will likely do just fine wherever she is. Parents are a much bigger factor in “success” than elementary school.
Buble says
In narrowing down our options, we basically seriously considered one private school (the one affiliated with our church), the public school zoned to our house, and then a magnet school that we were fortunate enough to get a spot in. The most helpful thing for me was having a conversation with the private school admissions director about the reasons people typically send their kids to that private school: she cited religious concerns, kids who have special needs or need more attention. For us those were not compelling reasons to choose a private school, with the downsides including high tuition and lack of diversity that that entails. So we nixed the private school early on.
For the public schools, we took tours of each school. For the zoned one, we had a meeting with the principal. We looked at statistics online including niche.com which was helpful — it was important to us that the schools be well-ranked but also diverse (both are). What tipped the decision for us was that the magnet program is a gifted magnet program that the kids have to test into, so we wanted our daughter surrounded by kids who are on a similar level to her.
Buddy Holly says
Different experience: we chose private, and one classmate is in the private school largely because the public school would not do a visit/tour other than the open house 1 week before school starts.
Holiday Cards says
Thought I would share. My mom sent me a text over the weekend that she got our card and that she loved it and was so proud of me for getting it out early. There are many things about which my mother could be proud – I’m a BigLaw working mom on partner track, our very difficult toddler is thriving, I’m moving forward from my miscarriage this fall that hit me pretty hard, we’re dealing with a whole round of sickness and it’s super busy for me at work but somehow all of the balls are still in the air, etc. But getting out completely unnecessary holiday cards in mid-December is what she decides to be proud of. I actually called her out on it, not that it will do much good.
anon says
This is the sort of thing my mother would do. At one point I was telling her how I had just made it through a really hard time at work with very little sleep and sick kids. Her remarks: it must be so hard for your DH to see you working so hard. I very much appreciate my husband, but it smarted that she felt more strongly for him than for me.
NYCer says
Obviously I do not know your mother, but this is the type of comment that I would try to read good intentions into. My mom would say something like that to me in a light-hearted way, but I know she is very, very proud of me for other (much more substantial things) too. I am guessing your mom is proud of you for other things too!
Anon says
Eh, depending on the mother, she is only proud of performative womanhood.
ElisaR says
agree NYCer!
Anon says
Agreed.
Anonymous says
*Hugs*
I would also say I could interpret this as — proud of you for holding it together when things are tough.
Fwiw, one year when I was having a rough time with my kids, I ordered the cards and never sent them out. I just couldn’t even pretend things were happy / okay when there was a constant disaster at our house.
anon says
This sounds like something my mom would say, too. On some level, I just have to accept that she really, truly doesn’t understand what it’s like to be a full-time working mom with a big(ish) job. But yeah, glad I’m performing womanhood right. (insert eye rolls)
I know she’s truly proud of me for other things but doesn’t *get* them.
Anonymous says
I get why this stings (and also, sorry for your loss), but I would assume good intentions here. I’m proud of MYSELF for mailing holiday cards over the weekend. The fact that I did something optional ahead of the game is an accomplishment to me in a way that successfully performing job and life requirements is not. I always get the necessary stuff done, and often at the expense of the optional, so the optional success is an indicator worth celebrating. Maybe that’s how your mom thought of it , too?
Anonymous says
You called her out on being nice? That’s ridiculous. Say thank you and move on.
Anon says
You called out a woman who is grieving a miscarriage. Maybe shut up and move on?
Pogo says
This is my MIL. It mostly stings for me because she compliments DH on his career and other accomplishments but me it’s always like, “I’m so glad you make sure (toddler) always looks so put together and his hair is combed!” Normally as a back-handed insult to my SIL. I get what you mean, even though I 100% agree with the comments that she is coming from what she believes to be genuine kindness.
Buble says
To be fair, it’s harder to compliment someone on something that is sort of an ongoing situation (you have a good career, your kid is doing well) vs. a specific event (I got your Christmas card — so great that you were able to get those out!). Similar to if you had a friend who is really fit and they also wore a cute shirt one day — yes, it’s far more impressive and takes more work to be in shape than it does to put on a cute shirt, but which are you more likely to comment on? It doesn’t mean the thing you don’t comment on doesn’t have value.
Anon says
Departing daycare teacher gifts – same amount as holiday gifts? And two questions:
1) is it weird to ask for a photo with my child? I know my child is just one of many to them, but it would be meaningful to me to have photos with all her teachers.
2) is it weird to offer to be a reference should she need one? I don’t know how much good a parent reference would be for another daycare job, but maybe she’ll decide to nanny and could use me for that? I don’t want to be presumptuous but I feel like you can never have too many potential references.
Anonymous says
I asked several of my daughter’s day care teachers for photos when she moved up to a new room. I always prefaced the request with “If you have a chance…” They were always delighted to oblige.
I would not offer a reference. That seems weird.
anon says
1) Yes, I think it’s weird but I’m probably an outlier.
2) I have been a parent reference before, and I think it’s a gesture that has been greatly appreciated!
ElisaR says
i would do same amount if it doesn’t put too much trouble on you. I don’t think it’s weird at all to ask for a photo, I imagine the teacher is proud and happy you’d want one. I also don’t think it’s weird to offer to be a reference.
It’s nice to do all these things but it also could be helpful to you in the future. Does departing teacher need a reference? If so then you’re helping her out! Maybe she’s going back to school? She could be a great babysitter for you (my daycare makes us wait 6 months after they have left to hire them).
Buble says
Is there an end-of-year party or something? FWIW lots of the kids in my kids’ class took pictures with the teacher at the end of the year party, including me. I then included a print of the picture of the teacher with my kid in the end-of-year card/gift I gave them. I figured it’s $.05, they can always throw it out if they don’t want it.
salmon mom says
So more of an awkward vent than anything.
The husband mentioned to the inlaws (his parents) that he didn’t know what to buy his adult siblings. So MIL actually bought gifts for them (the same expensive generic gifts) and told him to emt the money for them and that she’d wrap them for his siblings. And even he was shocked. I mean at what point can we stop giving eachother useless thoughtless gifts? haha
Anonymous says
Any time you want? We haven’t exchanged gifts with my BIL and his wife in years. Even if they are not on board to stop (my sister), you can just pick a generic gift and repeat – I alternate between restaurant gift cards and comedy show tickets.
I’ve definitely sent my mom a few “Thanks for picking up! I super appreciate that you’re trying to help after our chat about XYZ but I actually already picked something up myself so you can go ahead and exchange those. Thanks again for thinking of me.”
anon says
Yep, it’s time to stick a pin in that tradition. What’s even the point?
Salmon mom says
Well it keeps MIL happy.
I am not getting involved. My husband will never pay her back (he just sucks at paying anyone back) and I’m not paying for these gifts. I’m pretty anti nonsense materialism and super against buying junk from chains. She can return them if she wants.
rosie says
How ridiculous. Although entirely up to your husband on how to deal with it, I would say. Do you celebrate Christmas? I am envious of the idea of stocking stuffers and have tried to adopt that concept for Hannukah gifting for siblings (or at least for mine, we get regular gifts for my husband’s siblings but generally have wishlists to go off of). This year, I tried to get locally made & similar items to give my siblings a few treats but not go overboard, and to the extent stuff was generic, it was like awesome reusable mug that I researched, not random expensive scarf.
Salmon mom says
We see the siblings rarely and husband hasn’t visited either for some time. We are also all professionals and have stuff. Personally I’d be fine with agreeing to a limit and buying items like wine, olive oil, locally made pasta etc for each other. Or just doing nothing and enjoying a meal together in peace (IDEAL). We pay for most of the stuff for the meal since husband does the cooking.
The MIL is overly invested in aesthetic christmas (tree, presents, stockings etc) and it means we have to exchange junk I suppose. So I anticipate a stocking of stuff I don’t need and gifts I don’t want. And that would be fine if I wasn’t expected to contribute to this. I fully anticipate being given baking (I am on a diet which she is well aware of), scarves (I don’t wear them), herbs to grow (I kill one every year) and books (I use the library heavily and pretty much only read digital). And yeah, I sound like a jerk and I am, I just don’t want this stuff and I don’t want to have to spend $50+ on everyone else buying them stuff they don’t want too. I could use this money on something I actually want.
AnotherAnon says
Prob too late in the day but a post above has prompted: at what point did you tell coworkers, more distant friends and family members about your first pregnancy? Do you wish you had waited longer? What would you do differently, if anything?
SC says
Not the norm, but our family figured it out because I wasn’t drinking at the numerous events leading up to a family wedding–the airport bar, the hotel bar, the wedding set up, the champagne toast in the hotel before the rehearsal dinner, or the rehearsal dinner. That was before my missed period, and 1 day after the faintest line showed up on an early pregnancy test.
I told work around 9 weeks because I was really sick and wasn’t able to take on as much work as normal. I was at a law firm, and I didn’t want to say “no” to assignments without a reason or miss deadlines, so I figured telling early was the least of possible bad choices. We had heard the heart beat by then, at least.
Emily S. says
With my first, I told my soon to be new job at 6 months (I interviewed at 3 months, not showing, and got the job at 6 months, totally showing). With second, I told work around 14 weeks (just starting to show and feeling under the weather.) With both kids, we told my immediate family and let them tell extended family (like, my dad told his brothers and sisters, with whom I am only send-a-Christmas-card level close.) This was fine with DD #1, because we told parents around 12 weeks, but with DD #2, told parents as soon as I had the confirmation from the doctor in first trimester (we were visiting and wanted to tell them in person, otherwise we would have waited a bit.) Dad put it up on social media that day and I had a lot of texts to answer to from close friends who didn’t know. In retrospect, I should have managed expectations with the announcement (Dad’s and my own!)
Anona says
Not until after the anatomy scan; I can’t remember how many weeks that was, but it was in the 18-20 range. I know that’s not the norm but I wasn’t showing and so that was right for me.
rosie says
My first pregnancy, we told parents/siblings around 6 or 7 weeks, as well as some friends. That ended in a loss at 11w (after we had heard the hb), and I regretted telling a few people that ended up being kind of insensitive, but I also regretted not telling some of my friends that I just hadn’t seen during the pregnancy but they were great support once I told them. It was hard to have the “just wanted to let you know I was pregnant, but now I’m not” convo, and I wished at the time that I could have had the happy time with them as well as the sad time.
Anon says
First pregnancy – told family at 6 weeks (on confirmed bloodtest) and coworkers and friends around 9 weeks because I had HG and so it was obvious I was having issues and needed some accommodations at work. Posted on social media and told broader family and acquaintances after we knew we were having a girl (18-20 weeks).
Second pregnancy we told family at 7 weeks (after we heard the heartbeat) and then I told a few close co-workers and friends who hadn’t known when I had my miscarriage at 9 weeks (otherwise we were planning to wait until 12 or until I popped and it wasn’t an avoidable conversation).
Anonymous says
Told most people around 4 months. Most people learned through word of mouth because I was tired of responding to invasive questions. I told my closet friend and gave her permission to tell as many people as she wanted. She enjoyed permission to gossip and I enjoyed the break. I did not tell immediate family until I was ready for the extended family to know, which worked well for my family dynamic. Trust yourself. I could have told people earlier but I honestly enjoyed the quiet of not having more questions. Some people love the attention and want to tell early.
Anon says
So I’m super private and wanted to minimize the odds of having to disclose a loss. I also didn’t really want to discuss my pregnancy with anyone, especially at work. I think lots of people thought this was kind of weird, but here what I did:
14 weeks (after hearing the heartbeat a couple times) – told parents, siblings and in-laws and gave them permission to tell their siblings (our aunts and uncles) and close friends. Told my close friends, most of whom are long distance. I would have done this at 12 weeks but didn’t have a doctors appointment that week so I just felt like waiting 2 more weeks to head the heartbeat again.
16 weeks – told my boss.
That was pretty much it. I wouldn’t have lied to anyone who asked of course, but most people didn’t. At the office, most people found out through word of mouth but after I came back from leave there were a couple people (men) who asked where I’d been and whether I was ok.
I made a social media announcement about 2 weeks after the baby was born.
Anon says
Oh and I wasn’t sick at all, but I was showing early. I was in maternity clothes by 8 weeks but I certainly wasn’t going to tell then, and I didn’t really care if people were speculating.