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I loved the phase of babyhood when you could just leave them in the car seat and snap them into the stroller. It was so simple! When food shopping, I would just use the stroller and throw groceries into the storage basket of the stroller, which was large (Uppababy). When I saw this contraption, I immediately realized how useful it is. You can still use a regular shopping cart, but with all the ease of keeping them in the car seat. I think this would make a great gift for expecting parents. It is $39.95 at Amazon and eligible for Prime and free returns. Car Seat Hammock This post contains affiliate links and CorporetteMoms may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!
anne-on says
A snow day without any snow (freezing rain/ice) and a full day of calls. Ugh. Thank god for our au pair but being stuck at home without the ability to really go outside and play is a nightmare. Yay winter…
Anonymous says
ugh. we are in the boston burbs but no snowday. I, however, am WFH and on Snow Duty which means periodically going outside and throwing down ice melt so we all don’t break our ankles on the icy driveway (we have a plow but this stuff is just freezing rain…and of course we have a hill of a driveway!)
Anonymous says
When I had kids in carseat / carriers (I called them bucket babies), the whole thing just fit into the cart. Maybe they are wider now?
Pogo says
I just used the snap n go and put my groceries in the basket under. Or wore baby in a carrier.
I’ve seen a few of these out in the wild, but they don’t seem super useful to me.
FVNC says
+1. It seems like just one more thing to remember to lug into the store, and the bucket seat, baby, and reusable bags were more than enough! I also just plopped the whole seat in the cart.
AwayEmily says
I’m always amazed at people who bring those special quilted covers that go over grocery cart seats so their toddlers can ride in extra comfort. The idea of buying one of those, much less USING it, is just so much more effort than I can imagine spending on a grocery trip.
Anon says
I used it, but not for comfort. It’s for hygiene during that phase when they’re constantly putting their hands in their mouth. Grocery store cart handles are some of the germiest things around.
ElisaR says
agree. I registered for one and received it as a gift. I never once used it through 2 kids.
AwayEmily says
I believe you that they are germy but I kind of figured the Germ Ship had sailed once they started daycare.
Sitters / mothers' helpers says
I work with guys, so I do not know this at all.
At what age do kids start babysitting or becoming mothers’ helpers? IIRC, I was in middle school when I started watching kids in my town for 2-3 hours at a clip, maybe longer if the parents were out at night and I had a couple of hours of TV watching after the kids went to bed.
My kids are in late elementary school, so I think that they still need a sitter, but are also probably old enough to leave them at home if I went for a run or to the nearby store. We have a home phone if they needed to reach me. Older kid is 11.
I think they may be old enough to baby sit in middle school (if anyone would have them), but if they don’t have any experience at home alone first, then they probably wouldn’t feel comfy watching younger children in a home that isn’t theirs. [And I’d get them a phone if they are booking gigs.] Or is this not how this works anymore?
FWIW, I sometimes use a middle schooler to come play with them and walk to the park when I WFH over snow and hurricane days. Part of this is that she can walk down the street and my kids think that she is cool b/c she is 1) older and 2) not me. She is also cheap and we are friends with the family, so have known her forever (so perhaps things are different among close friends’ families vs random people in the ‘hood). I’d hate to age out of this (and maybe things are different at night), but at some point it will be time to age out of all but the driving sitters (useful b/c they can drive more than that they supervise).
Anonymous says
I’m confused if you are asking if your kids should be a babysitter or if they need a babysitter? If you don’t leave them home alone in your home for hours at a time then no you shouldn’t have them supervising other kids.
Anonymous says
OP here — OMG — so much rambling, so little caffeine!
Yes — at what point are we tapering on the sitters except for possible companionship / night watching / driving? I think we are about to launch (maybe over winter break) into “kids at home alone for small amounts of time to see how they do.”
avocado says
We started leaving our daughter home alone for a few minutes at a time around age 9 or 10, then an hour or two max by age 11. At 12 we dropped after-school care and she was home alone for around two hours a couple of afternoons per week. At age 12.5 she was home alone all day for a few isolated days during the summer and then started putting herself on the school bus in the mornings. She will be 13.5 this coming summer, and I’m still not comfortable allowing her to stay home alone all day for several days in a row, mainly because I think she’ll just turn into a lump on the couch.
It really depends on the individual kid as well as whether there are siblings at home. The kid needs to know how to deal with emergencies, including how to determine what is an emergency and what isn’t. The kid also needs to be able to follow basic safety precautions such as locking doors, not leaving the stove on, etc. And I would be more hesitant to leave an 11-year-old with a younger sibling than alone, especially if the younger sibling wasn’t a rule-follower.
Anonymous says
Age 14-15 for a babysitter. Age 11-13 for a mother’s helper. To me, a mother’s helper is when another parent or responsible adult is at home. Or sometimes they are helping their older sibling who is babysitting. Around age 13 usually most areas either Red Cross, the city or similar offer a babysitter’s course. Most parents want that plus first aid before hiring a sitter. My city also has a ‘home alone’ course for 10-12 year olds who are learning about staying home alone for the first time. I say course but it’s like a 2 hour workshop I think.
SC says
My parents did exactly what you describe, tapering. At some point (probably 9-10), my mom wouldn’t push back if I didn’t want to go to the store with her and left me at home alone for a while. We had a home phone, and she had a pager and a cell phone, and we were good friends with some neighbors. She still hired babysitters, usually a 16-17 year old, for full days during the summer or for a night out, until I was 12 or 13–I remember one summer when I thought I was too old for a babysitter, and my mom thought I was too young to be home alone all day, M-F, for 10-11 hours a day. My mom kinda won me over by hiring a cool babysitter and leaving money for her to drive me around to meet friends at the mall or movies.
Sometime in late middle school, I didn’t need babysitters at all. I started babysitting when I could drive, but that was likely more a matter of logistics than anything else.
Anonymous says
anecdata:
my neighbor turned 12 this summer (entering 7th grade) and mother’s helpered my 3 kids all summer long. mine were 1,3 and 5 so I did my best to schedule her when it was only 1-2 kids (either both older, or the oldest and youngest, or the middle when baby was napping). I would zip out for an errand but wouldn’t leave her alone with the baby for too long.
She has 2 younger sisters, ages 6 and 8 (1st and 4th- so maybe 6 and 9?). She comes home after school and they are all home alone until around 5 some days. They are all totally fine. The middle one (4th grade) stays home alone while their mom picks up siblings at activities, but not for hours and hours. And their mom will usually text me (I WFH) to let me know if she’ll be gone a while. Nobody has ever needed my help but I’m happy to be a safety net in case of emergency!
Personally, I was babysitting my younger siblings for a an hour or two by 6th grade (they would have been 1st and 3rd graders). I was a latchkey kid in middle school (6th-8th grade) from the time i got home until my mom picked up my siblings and arrived home (maybe 90 minutes or so a day?). I walked home from school, had snack and watched TV. Sometimes, i got locked out of the house so peed in the woods behind my house and sat in the garage if it was cold enough to warrant it, and read a book. Or broke into my house if I was smart enough to leave a window unlocked. This was always due to my forgetting my key.
DLC says
It really depends on the child, but some places have laws about this, so I would make sure to check. Where I am (Maryland), a child can stay home by themselves when they are eight. They can babysit when they are thirteen.
Anon says
+1 Virginia (and possibly even Fairfax county) has laws about this too, and if I recall, they most certainly were not consistent with what I did as a kid.
Anonanonanon says
Fairfax county has guidelines but they aren’t laws, and Virginia actually does not have an age codified. The Fairfax County guidelines are straightforward and very reasonable though.
anon says
I started babysitting at age 13. A small number of friends started a year or so before that. A few started after that. Most started around the same age. Peak babysitting years were 8th-10th grade before college prep / sports / social lives got too consuming.
Was routinely home alone starting at 8. Had previously been left home with older brother when he was 9 and I was 6 (we were latchkey kids one day a week). East coast city suburb, born in 1990; so this is late 90s – 00s.
Io says
My mom started leaving us alone for 20 minutes when the oldest was 8. NYC let’s kids in 4th grade walk themselves to school. That’s about age 10. Leave your kids alone for short errands. I’ll be fine.
anon says
I started leaving the oldest at home for a few minutes starting at age 8, and then the older two at 9 and 7. They get along very well, though, and the younger one is probably even more responsible than his older brother (who is very responsible as far as kids go). I just started leaving the oldest at home with the youngest (or all three) this year (10/8/6)) because she is more volatile/less likely to listen. Only this winter have I let them stay home at nighttime (after dark). We have a landline and a cellphone. They mostly use the cellphone to ask me if they can watch TV.
Around here people usually start babysitting in high school.
Pumping bra recs says
Going back to work from maternity leave in 2 weeks. Any recommendations for hands free pumping bras for the very busty?
I attempted to use my old one from my first time around and…no go. I am around a 36H right now.
Anonymous says
This may be the one you’ve already tried, but the simple wishes has worked for me (32G) and at least one bustier friend. I just pull the flaps down on my nursing bra, strap the simple wishes on, and go.
HSAL says
I was a 36J while nursing – I used a cheapy sports bra with holes cut in it, or the Simple Wishes – if you need a little more support with the bandeau style, you can wear a nursing bra and pull the cups down while pumping. That propped me up a little bit.
KW says
I used this one for the year-ish that I pumped and it worked great. I’m normally a 34DD when not pregnant or breastfeeding.
https://www.target.com/p/lansinoh-simple-wishes-hands-free-adhesive-strapless-backless-breast-pump-bustier-with-adjustable-sizing-xs-l/-/A-12310427
KW says
Ha, I just realized I’m not the first person to recommend this one. So I should have just added my +1 to the above replies!
Anon says
Simple wishes (in the XL) with the extender in for me at 38I while nursing
Anonymous says
I’m a 36F, and I usually use the Simple Wishes over the top of a nursing bra when I need to pump. But I just bought the Kindred Bravely combo nursing/pumping bra, which has worked pretty well for days where I just can’t deal with needing to carry around one other thing. It’s a decent amount of fabric, so I wouldn’t wear it under a thin shirt, but the support is decent, and it’s nice to already be wearing everything that I need to when it is time to pump.
Pumping bra recs says
I’ll give Simple Wishes a try and look into the Kindred Bravely. Thanks!
Pogo says
simple wishes ftw! Sizing is very generous (I’m a 34DD and wore the small/medium) plus there is the extender which you can use if your b**bs are further apart than.. the average I guess? Anyway, I found it very adjustable.
JB says
This!
Bravado Designs Women’s Maternity… https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01N7KIDR0?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
It’s not a full bra, just a band plus slit cups with clasps that hook to your normal nursing bra. It’s AMAZING! You don’t need to take off your bra. Just clasp it to your nursing bra and you’re ready to go. No sizing issues!!
Anonymous says
What’s the appropriate/typical holiday tip/gift/bonus for a nanny? Bay Area, if it matters. TIA!
anon in nyc says
I’m in Manhattan but the standard here is a minimum of one week pay. Most folks I know that have had their nanny for over a year give two weeks. You can check out the Park Slope Parents guide for more details.
anon says
I’m in Socal and have asked around – it tends to be one week’s pay, plus a small gift (from your child/children). That’s what I’m doing.
Anon says
I’m in Houston. If we have had her for like six months, we do one week. If she’s worked for us for some time, two weeks. Plus pottery from my kids :)
Anokha says
We typically did 1 week + gifts for our nanny and her family (about $100-150) total.
Anon says
HCOL area and we’re giving our nanny 1.5 weeks pay plus 3 extra paid time off days over the holidays and a nice card. She’s been with us a little over a year.
Anon says
Uch. This morning i don’t have to be at work until 11 because we are having our holiday celebration. DH agreed to get up with the kids until our nanny got there so i could sleep in. At 7:30am once she arrived, DH woke me up to tell me to get dressed bc we usually commute together…and then i couldn’t fall back to sleep. So frustrated
Buddy Holly says
That would make me frustrated too. I cherish the times I can sleep in. I’m a night owl and live with two early birds and it feels like torture sometimes.
Coach Laura says
I routinely leave my DH sticky notes in the bathroom and kitchen (only bathroom doesn’t always work) not to wake me/not to wake me before X time because I’m sleeping in/staying home/didn’t get enough sleep. Telling him doesn’t seem to work so reminders are needed. Us night owls have to have solidarity against larks.
dc anon says
Help! I am looking for an experience gift idea in DC (or nearby) for my 5 year old to do with grandma from out of town. We have done shows at the Kennedy Center, the zoo, gardens, and museums. Any other ideas?
Anonymous says
Paint night? Some places offer like a mommy and me version where the painting can be done by the kids. Not sure if 5 would be too young.
Anonymous says
Painting pottery, maybe?
Anon says
A colleague said that the Spy museum at the new location was amazing (and better than at the old location). You might also check out a “mommy and me” cooking class (I think Sur la Table or Cookology has them) or Home Depot I think frequently does kids workshops that a caregiver is required for (friends of ours just went to one for building a Menorah)
Anonymous says
Depending on where you live – Badlands?
Anonymous says
High tea! The Ritz at Pentagon city offers a teddy bear tea.
Anon says
If they are in town during the holidays (and you celebrate) they could go do the Meadowlark walk of lights together. It’s a half mile loop I think, but there are paved walking trails if grandma’s mobility isn’t the best.
Anonanonanon says
^This. We did the drive-thru lights at Bull Run with my mom who has mobility issues and the kids enjoyed that. There’s also the light experience thing at Nats Park?
Anonymous says
Any books on parenting for 1-2 year olds? Just looking for some perspectives and things to be on the lookout for. Thanks in advance!
Boston Legal Eagle says
No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame by Janet Lansbury. I’ve found her podcast to be useful too, for reframing my interactions with my now preschooler. How to Talk so Little Kids will Listen. The 123 Magic book is popular too. And Oh Crap for potty training, to get a sense of that method, although your kid likely won’t be ready until after 2.
Anon says
I thought No Bad Kids was underwhelming but had some ok ideas that could be summed up in a few pages. Just read it and had a hard time finishing the book. A lot of repetitive information and speculation about why kids do what they do without any research to back it up. Is it really not helpful to use time outs? Why is it the most healthy choice to let your kids fully vent their feelings without helping them move on to another activity?
Anonymous says
I think this book is only helpful when read in conjunction with other Janet Lansbury. The book, IIRC, is just a collection of blog posts. You really have to do a pretty deep dive to understand her whole philosophy and vision. Following her on FB and Insta is helpful, for constant “reminders.”
anon says
IMO, she has some interesting ideas, but overall, her philosophy is just way too guilt-trippy and child-centered to the point of being unrealistic for most parents to implement consistently. Or with more than one kid around. I don’t know; I have one kid for whom her methods work decently well, and another who saw them … quite differently.
Anon says
I think Janet Lansbury never met a very stubborn kid. I don’t think my toddler is especially difficult overall (she’s go-with-the-flow most of the time and pretty verbal, which reduces meltdowns) but when she makes her mind up about something there’s no talking her out of it. Janet’s techniques do nothing. However, I think my kid is at least 95th percentile for stubbornness (daycare teachers have commented on it and she’s much better behaved at school than home), so presumably her methods are helpful for most people.
Anon says
I think her advice is perfect for stubborn kids. It helps diffuse power struggles. The more “conventional” techniques of timeouts, rewards/threats etc certainly don’t work with a stubborn child!
Anonymous says
How did y’all introduce solids when baby is in daycare from 8-6 every day? He is cranky by dinner time and not as interested in trying new things. He did great over the weekend but there doesn’t seem to be time during the week to be consistent!
Anon says
Have daycare take the lead on it. Full disclosure, this is my solution for many parenting things.
ElisaR says
+1
AwayEmily says
Yup. Send in a few little tupperwares (your leftovers, storebought baby food, whatever is easiest) and then just let daycare figure out the rest (timing, amount, etc).
Anonymous says
Our daycare provides breakfast, lunch, and snacks and I have a 10 month old. We sent in purees for the first couple months, then just let daycare have free reign to feed her whatever they felt appropriate from the daily menus. It did mean giving up some control about what kid tried when. We introduced the major allergens at home in those first couple months before giving daycare free reign, but besides those, there are definitely things she’s eaten at daycare that she hasn’t had at home. It has worked well for us because she eats much better at daycare then at home. I think it’s a combination of wanting to be like the slightly older kids in her room who eat solids, and me not being there (as we are still nursing so when I’m around she often wants to nurse).
Anonymous says
Offer small bites of whatever you’re having for dinner.
anon says
I would introduce food on the weekend and then send it along with daycare.
Anonymous says
Anyone have advice on buying twin mattress for kids bunkbeds? I feel like spending $1000 for a 5 year old’s bed is ridiculous but what is reasonable?
Anonymous says
I’ve been happy with our mattresses from Ikea. The price point makes me less annoyed when they jump on their beds. Only expecting to get 5-10 years out of them before I upgrade to something nicer but the IKEA mattress on our master bedroom bed was fine for 15+ years. They have a big variety of quality and types so better to test out in store.
AwayEmily says
+1 to Ikea mattresses for kids.
Anonymous says
I did the Zinus green tea foam one that is the wirecutter’s budget pick. Seems fine so far. Just be sure to get the recommended thickness for the top bunk. I did not, and it doesn’t seem very safe (mattress is too thick to leave a lot of room below the top of railing).
SC says
I bought the Modway Aveline mattresses–an 8″ for the bottom (full) and 6″ for the top. The bottom mattress is comfortable, I haven’t spent much time in the top bunk, and Kiddo sleeps fine in either. The mattresses are on the firm side, but I don’t think that’s a bad thing for kids.
FP says
Costco has a two pack of twin mattresses for $330 online, shipping included…
Anonymous says
I ordered a Tuft & Needle mattress for my kid. Amazon delivered it to my door. I have had great naps in it
Anonymous says
FWIW, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to pay >$1000 for a high-quality mattress for a 5-year old, and have done so for all 3 of my kids. They spend half their little lives in mattresses and most (especially the cheap ones!) are full of offgassing chemicals, either what they are stuffed with or the flame retardants they are sprayed with or both. We bought organic natural latex covered in naturally fire resistant wool and organic cotton from Organic Grace. Added a wool mattress pad and a cotton mattress cover for water repellence and dirt avoidance, so the total for each kid’s bed was close to 2k. But we’ll have those beds for at least 10 years and probably till they go to college (latex mattresses last longer than traditional). For the record, we did buy secondhand bed frames and cheap Ikea solid wood frames for the beds themselves, but the mattress is key.
Anon says
Is there a mattress firm outlet near you? It has more lower end stuff. We got my son’s twin mattress for under $400.
Anonymous says
We ordered one from Allswell for ourselves recently and I loooooove it. So comfortable and way cheaper than anything comparable in a store. We got our 4 year old’s mattress at sears but I am planning on allswell for the toddler when he moves out of his crib!
ElisaR says
Daycare Drama Question: I recently received word from another parent that the lead teacher in our classroom is requesting back scratches from our 3.5 yr old kids and rewarding them with stickers (I later learned it was also a gift from the treasure chest). I think it’s weird. My son isn’t being asked because he kind of keeps his distance from this teacher in the first place, but still. I think it’s indicative of poor judgement, misplaced priorities and sends the wrong message to the kids. Wise hive, what say you?
The thought of searching for a new daycare for my 2 kids is overwhelming but I’ve already considered it for other reasons.
Anonymous says
I think that’s super weird and would raise a stink about it with the daycare director. Kids should NOT be rewarded for touching other people, especially if they feel uncomfortable with it. That’s just… really inappropriate.
lsw says
That is REALLY weird. I agree about following up with the director.
Anonymous says
+ 1 million
This particular teacher may not have bad motives and may just think of it as a silly thing but it is very problematic because it normalizes behavior of touching an adult in a way that they request and getting a treat in return.
Has your son articulated why he keeps his distance from this teacher? I’d also be VERY troubled by the fact that the other teachers have not shut this down.
Anon says
+ 1 to all of this. This teacher may be perfectly innocent, but this is exactly the wrong thing to be teaching children. The director should welcome the information and shut down this behavior immediately.
Pogo says
+1 Maybe the teacher thinks they’re being funny/joking w/ the kids, but it’s not funny.
Anonymous says
+1. This is a problem.
AnotherAnon says
This is inappropriate and the director should address it with the teacher.
Anon says
I taught my 20 month old to give me back massages but a) that’s my own child and b) I don’t reward her with stickers and we only do it when she says she wants to do it. I think what you’ve described is incredibly inappropriate and I would definitely talk to the director/consider moving.
Anonymous says
This is super weird and actually would not be surprising if this person was a predator.
anon says
This is terrible and super weird.
Anon says
That is completely wrong. Children should not be rewarded with candy for touching adults.
The best possible situation is that your daycare teacher “merely” has horrible judgement about what is appropriate to expect from children.
Anonymous says
What even?!? Obviously call the director immediately and report it.
ElisaR says
yes, it has been reported to the director already. Apparently she has been spoken to….. I wouldn’t be surprised if she gets fired over it. I am just trying to figure out what my actions are going to be.
Anon says
Is the daycare a nonprofit? If the director talking with the teacher doesn’t completely shut down the behavior, then the board will want to know. Frankly, the board may want a heads up even at this stage.
Anonymous says
Wouldn’t it depend on what the school does?
ElisaR says
it is not a non-profit, it’s a national franchise. the director and owner are aware and have classified it as poor judgement and promised it won’t happen again.
Anonymous says
I only have one child who has only been going to daycare for 7 months, so I am by no means an expert. But I would take a two prong approach. 1. Wait and see how this is handled – does this daycare worker stop and/or get fired? and 2. In the mean time, quietly research other places and add kids to waitlists so I have a head start in case this doesn’t get resolved in a way I found acceptable. Though I know #2 is probably not a bucket of fun, especially this close to the holidays!
Pogo says
Those of you with kids at in-home daycares/nanny share/nanny – when did you make the move to “school” and how did you go about it?
I honestly wasn’t thinking about it at all but apparently the registration for our public pre-k starts in like, February and is super competitive (just in terms of spots). So I’d have to start thinking now for my to-be-3yo, though my suspicion is none of these options would work for me as the “full day” pre-k is like, 9:00-1:00 or something. Have you switched your 3yo entirely to a full-time daycare that has a pre-k? Did you keep the nanny and have the nanny drive 3yo to a public/part time pre-k? Some other option?
Also if you have a second who is a baby at the same time (which, fingers crossed, is what I’d have next fall), did that factor in? I’m thinking we definitely don’t want two dropoffs, so having both at the same full-time daycare/pre-k would be easiest from that perspective, or nanny with some part-time pre-k. Money is not a major limiting factor – I know we’re going to be paying a lot whichever route we go, I’m looking for easiest solution.
Anonymous says
This is a**vice because I only have 1 and never had a nanny (just a know it all), but I think 3 year olds like being with other kids. If you have a baby + 3 year old, I would keep the nanny and add part-time preschool/preK or even a daycare program that is age-segregated enough to be similar to preschool. At that age my son vastly prefered his preschool to daycare (not age segregated).
AwayEmily says
My kids have always been daycare kids so this will not exactly answer your question but I wanted to emphasize that your logistical concerns are very legit! Our area has universal pre-K and I toured a bunch and my daughter got into one of the “best” of the programs (lottery system). However, we ended up turning her spot down because of all the logistical stuff you bring up. Ours is a little better — goes until 3pm — but that still makes it basically impossible to do without some kind of backup care. Instead we ended up just keeping her at the same daycare/preschool where her little brother goes and I am SO glad we did. It is a little more expensive but so much easier.
Pogo says
Yeah, that’s why both of them at a full-time daycare place makes sense, though I love the flexibility of our current in-home (which is basically a nanny share – only 2 other families). I could send the baby to our current place no problem and then separately drop 3yo off at a full-time daycare but… two stops! Two different places to forgot to send milk and extra clothes!
To have our own nanny, I’d need to find someone but our current person is very connected in her immigrant community and I have no doubt we’d find someone lovely to be home with the baby + toddler in the afteroon after pre-k. I have less confidence that we’d find someone who want to also chauffeur the baby + toddler around to do the pickup/dropoff…. it’s not something I’d want to do (though I know all SAHMs do it).
Anon says
I know people here make a distinction between full-time pre-K or preschool and daycare but I don’t really understand that. To me, they are synonymous. My 2 year old started at a daycare center at age 1 and will continue at the same center until kindergarten. It’s not formally a preschool but the children are all well-prepared academically for kindergarten, and it is play-based which is what I want.
I agree a 3 year old should be in some kind of daycare/preschool for social reasons, and full time daycare is much easier for working parents than a preschool that ends at 1 pm or 3 pm.
Anon says
My three-year-old was not in school of any kind, and now at age four is doing great in public preK. “Socialization” is overblown. At three, my priority was loving, consistent care that promotes downtime and free play. OP, is the public preK an option for next year? I’d make life easy for yourself next year and focus on preK at age four.
Pogo says
The age 4 pre-k is the same problem – not full-time enough to cover us. It’s basically punting the problem for another year, and I actually can’t send both kids to my current in-home unless another kid “graduates” to pre-k (state ratios). The other moms all had their second kid, and I’m the last one so I miss the chance to send both at once. Also I don’t really want her trying to watch 3 toddlers and 3 babies… that’s at lot. The fact that she did the 3 babies still blows my mind.
AwayEmily says
I would say put your current kid and your maybe-baby on some daycare waiting lists, at schools that offer both infant care and full-day pre-k. Then if you do end up with a baby in the fall, you’ll have that as an option (ie, both of them starting full-time daycare at the same time). It sounds like since your current nanny is watching multiple kids it would be tough for her to do the drop-off/pick-up that the part-time public pre-k program requires. So in the fall you can decide to either start them both in daycare, or hire a full-time nanny for both of them and potentially enroll the older in some kind of part-time program (even if it’s not the public one).
Good luck! I find navigating all this really stressful because at some point you have to actually close some doors. Turning down the Montessori public pre-k my kid got into meant that she wouldn’t have the option to attend there for elementary school, meant that her little brother wouldn’t get sibling-priority to go there as well…honestly it was a tough choice and I’m still sometimes a little “eeep, did I do the right thing?”
Pogo says
Thanks – I know I don’t have to decide today, but these waiting lists and deadlines creep up earlier than I expected. Such a good point that I can always enroll the 3yo in a private pre-k (which won’t have the stringent start/registration dates that the public one has) once things settle w/ maybe-baby (lol). As I was reading these suggestions I remembered of course that my husband and I will stack our paternity leaves, so we wouldn’t even need care for 2 kids until 2021! And I 10000% want the 3yo out of the house while I’m on leave, not home with a nanny.
Anonymous says
I think it varies based on the daycare’s structure and the kind of training staff have. My son went to a small in-home place that had mixed ages in one space, from babies to (mostly in theory) 4 year olds. So the staff was somewhat limited in what they could do logistically. I think if you segregate by age or have more staff, daycare and preschool can be more or less the same. Preschools also tend to have more staff with early childhood degrees, at least in my limited experience.
rosie says
We were in a nanny share and started at full time preschool at a little over 2 (morning care opens at 7:45, aftercare goes until 6). I think the change for my child was good, atlhough doubtful that starting at 2 versus 3 is that different. Logistically, the preschool is super convenient for us although nothing could be more convenient than our amazing, super reliable and punctual nanny. Expecting #2 this winter and don’t want to deal with a separate daycare dropoff, so we’re just trying to figure out if we want to try to set up another share or hire a nanny who may be able to pick up my older one from preschool as well as care for the baby, which I suspect is too much to ask of a share.
Anonymous says
If you’re having a second, keep the nanny and add half day pre-K for older kid. Nanny can drop off and pick up or just pick up depending on hours. Leave Nanny more time during daytime to keep up with kid laundry/dishes/meal prep kid supper when baby naps etc.
NYCer says
+1. This is what is most common in my group of friends.
So Anon says
Y’all, my heart is breaking for my kids. My kids have off of school from December 23 through January 1. I am taking that time off as well. The ex is taking the kids for five hours on Christmas, his regularly scheduled weekend, but has otherwise said that he “does not have time” to see them. He lives 15-20 minutes away and works 9 hours per day (30 minute lunch and 2 15 minute breaks). His hours are generally not 8-5, but more like 6am-3pm or 11am-8pm. In other words, if his kids were a priority, he could see them. My son keeps asking to see his dad more, and I am at a loss for what to tell him. My daughter refused to go with him on Thanksgiving, so she is not exactly asking for more time with her dad. Any advice on how to talk to my son (9) without having his Dad be a bad guy?
Anonymous says
“When your Dad and I got divorced, we agreed on a schedule for when you would be with each of us, and we all have to follow those rules. You see your Dad [explain schedule]. The next time you will see Dad is [date].”
And you need to lead by example. You fought for this arrangement because you believe your ex-husband isn’t capable of more sustained parenting time. So you shouldn’t be asking, suggesting, or letting him have more time, or conveying to your children that is an option. You’ve posted lots of these types of questions but you’re less than a year into your divorce. Just follow the custody agreement and stop trying to wiggle in modifications.
Anonymous says
I tend to agree with this at the current moment. If their dad becomes healthier down the road, you can revisit. Right now I like the script suggested above in combination with doing whatever you can to make your children believe they are loved to the fullest extent by their dad. When they get older they might feel differently. Right now, I’d be inclined to protect them and make them feel as loved as possible by both parents.
Anon says
That’s tough.
Can you say that this is the schedule the judge thought was best? I know someone who spent more time with a dad who sounds like your ex. The result was not a close relationship, but rather the need for a lot of mental health care.
So Anon says
I was not trying to wiggle the custody agreement but more looking for advice on how to talk to my son about the emotional piece. This is a really tough road to walk, and I appreciate this community’s no-nonsense advice. Thank you.
Anonymous says
Does he have a calendar? I would get him a calendar for his room and explain that when you got divorced, there was a schedule for who sees which parent at what time. Help him mark off the next month or so of visits. That should help provide him with some security around when he will see his Dad again.
I know you are frustrated with your ex for not seeing them more, but it’s probably better than he see them less and have it together enough to have good time with them. Based on some of the stuff you posted about how well or not well he’s functioning it doesn’t sound like he’d be able to work 6-3 or whatever and then have them for the evening thereafter. Less but more stable might be the best you can hope for right now. Hang in there.
So Anon says
He does have a calendar and is old enough to start asking questions about why he cannot see his dad more. Telling him that “this is what we agreed to” does not satisfy his question about why this is what we agreed to, and why he can’t see his dad more.
Anonymous says
What he really wants is not more time with his dad, but more good time with his dad. Unfortunately, that wouldn’t be a possibility even if you renegotiated the parenting time agreement, because his dad has demonstrated that he can’t handle the kids for more than a few hours at a time. More time would just be miserable for all concerned. I have had to explain similar things to my daughter who is not much older, and she is perfectly capable of understanding. Your son still won’t like it, but he will understand.
Anonymous says
‘We’re not allowed to change the times right now. The rules about getting divorced say you have to follow the rules about when each parent had the kids.’
CPA Lady says
Addressing the emotional piece as someone who was a kid in a situation like that…
Kids know when they have parents who can’t meet their needs. It’s pretty evident, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with acknowledging your son’s feelings. For right now, you can carefully empathize with his disappointment over the custody schedule without throwing his dad under the bus, kind of in the same way you’d empathize with him over any other disappointment.
Also, (this may not apply, so grain of salt) when I get into a head-space where I’m “heart broken” about my kid’s feelings, it’s usually because I’ve invented some kind of big dramatic story of never-ending suffering, heartbreak, and disillusionment. But that ignores the fact that despite experiencing pain and disillusionment, we all have the capacity for growth and acceptance. My dad was probably a lot like your kids’ dad. There is nothing you can do to change the situation or to protect your son’s heart when it comes to his relationship with his dad. Who knows, he may someday get the help he needs and level out and have a great relationship with your son. And if he doesn’t,
someday down the road, your son will eventually come to terms with the fact that his father is a flawed human being and will likely even forgive him and grow past it, if he’s given the tools to develop emotionally. Pain isn’t the end of the story. And when I get into a place where I feel like I need to shield and control my child’s feelings, it’s when I’ve forgotten that.
Anonymous says
Wow. This is the wisest post I e ever read on here. Thank you!
So Anon says
Thank you for this perspective. It is the emotional piece that I am struggling with. I am working hard on trusting in everyone’s capacity for growth and resiliency (especially my children’s).
Pogo says
This made me tear up. So many good points here.
Anon says
As an adult who had been that child, I agree, and you put it beautifully.
Kids will figure it out eventually, and I think the biggest way to help them is to show them that it’s about the other parent’s human limitations, rather than anything indicating that the child is undeserving of parental love. You show them that by empathising with feelings, and by just being a good, loving, involved parent.
Anonanonanon says
Just keep it both vague and matter-of-fact. This is all still new for your family. I think it’s OK to say “I know it’s really confusing for you right now, it is for all of us. We’re still figuring out how the schedules work, and your dad has a lot going on right now. I promise I will let you know the plan as soon as I know, and I’m doing my best to get it worked out”.
Also, it’s easy to be heartbroken for our kids, but this is your kid’s life now. They’re resilient, and it becomes their new normal.
Exes stink. Mine has been jerking my son (and by extension me) around over Christmas plans for weeks now, and I got a 2AM email saying if I didn’t agree to his plan he would “see me in mediation” next week. On Christmas Eve I guess? With no legal question for the mediator?
Anon says
This might depend on how open your ex is about his mental health issues but I’d consider saying something like Daddy is dealing with some medical issues right now that mean he has to rest after work so he can only see you for short periods of time on the weekends until he is feeling better which might not be for a long time.
Do you know what he’s telling the kids? It’s probably best if you two could have a consistent story.
AnotherAnon says
We’re going to be home on Christmas morning for the first time since our son arrived! (he’s 2.5) What would you make for Christmas breakfast/brunch? Bonus if it’s something DS could help cook; caveat – DH doesn’t like sweets.
Anonymous says
Snowman pancakes? With no syrup for DH?
SC says
I’d make a breakfast casserole that can be made assembled ahead of time or at least very quickly. Or a quiche that can be made ahead of time. And fruit salad. And something sweet–pancakes, cinnamon rolls, fancy muffins–for me and the kids because I like sweet breakfast items.
Anon says
I do overnight cinnamon rolls (and then DH eats eggs and bacon on the side). My parents usually do waffles the morning of (with eggs and bacon) – and now that all the “kids” are adults, with mimosas. You could do sparkling grape juice for kiddo for fun.
Anonymous says
Our family tradition is Pillsbury cinnamon rolls. For no sweets with the [vital] pop open a can of food experience, what about crescent rolls or biscuits with eggs and bacon? My son loves cracking eggs and is surprisingly good at it.