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I found out about this baby seat from a mom in a Facebook group I am in. This one mom posted about it and the rest of us fell like dominos and we all bought it too. I really loved this seat and was so sad when my son outgrew it. This was the first seat that my son could sit upright in — it provided good head support in the back, and because the part where the baby sits is all fabric, it cradles their bodies nicely. It’s nice to be able to finally sit them upright after the first few weeks of them viewing the world mostly on their backs. I didn’t love the toys it came with so we replaced them with ones we already owned. The whole fabric part also comes off and you can machine wash it … which is good because I nicknamed this seat the “sh*t-me-up.” I also really liked the frog version — it looks really cute in photos. The seat is $26 at Amazon and is eligible for Prime and free returns. Fisher-Price Sit-Me-Up Floor Seat
So Anon says
DH was in-patient for MDD and OCD for two weeks. He is stable and is “home” now and doing an intensive outpatient program. This isn’t our first time down this road, but I forgot how gut-wrenchingly hard coming home can be. He is home but with no capacity to understand that his behaviors impact those around him, no empathy and little energy. This is tough for me, but my heart is breaking for our kids. Our oldest, our son, cannot comprehend why Daddy isn’t playing with him and doing the things he used to do. He tries to engage DH and when DH doesn’t respond, shortly thereafter my son has a tantrum/explodes. Our daughter is stand-offish and hesitant to engage, which I totally get. If DH had somewhere else to go, I would push for that.
DH has had MDD since our oldest was born; our oldest is nearly eight. While there have been periods — months maybe? — of better, DH has never really been in on parenting. I’m realizing that I’ve been parenting on my own for nearly eight years, and I really haven’t had a partner during most of those times either (e.g. when I found a lump in my br#$st, I went to the doc/ultrasound by myself because he wouldn’t be a source of support). DH went off of his meds, without consulting anyone, about 18 months ago, and I was recently told that instead of tackling the MDD in therapy, he has been basically shooting the sh&t for the last year. Around the same time, he got a vasectomy even though I pled for him not to.
My resentment is boiling over, and I’m beginning to think that the fabric of our relationship has been irreparably torn. I’ve decided that I’m not going to settle for moderate improvement. I want the full deal. I want someone who wants to parent — really parent — with me. I want someone who will be a good partner and that I can depend on when times get tough (did I mention that our daughter is sick today, he is home, but unwilling to watch her?). I want to give my kids stability, and I think a single parent household would be more stable than this.
Been there says
So many hugs. The first few days/weeks after he comes home can be the most difficult part. It is so very exhausting to have to walk on eggshells every moment at home, especially when you are also working and parenting.
The two red flags to me here are (1) that he went off his meds without consulting anyone and (2) that he has not been doing productive work in therapy. Does he permit you to attend doctor’s appointments with him or to meet his therapist? I would want to meet the therapist and try to suss out, without asking the therapist to violate confidentiality, whether the therapist is really going to stay focused on the important issues in the future. In my experience, there are very few really good therapists out there, and many of them will just let the client shoot the sh!t, will have their own issues that make them useless, or will even actively feed obsessions. A good therapist who will get to the real issues and put things in perspective is absolutely essential. A bad therapist will actually make things worse.
At some point in the future when he has stabilized, there needs to be a come-to-Jesus meeting with a neutral third party involved. This could be a marriage counselor or a clergyperson. Yes, he has two medical conditions that make certain aspects of parenting difficult or impossible for him, and that is not his fault. However, it is his responsibility to do absolutely everything he can to manage those conditions and to participate in family life, marriage, and parenting to the fullest extent of his capacity. It is probably not quite time for that conversation yet, though–he is probably not yet stable enough that it would be productive.
In the meantime, can you find a way to draw some boundaries at home to give yourself and the kids the space you need? Intensive outpatient therapy is great if it gives him structure and gets him out of the house for a good portion of the day. If you can’t send him to stay with family, can you send the kids to Grandma’s for a week or two, or at least for the weekend? Can he commit to an exercise class or some other activity that keeps him out of the house during the bedtime routine? Can one of you sleep in another room so you can get some time to yourself? You can point out that uninterrupted sleep is essential to his recovery and he may sleep better alone.
No matter what the eventual outcome, you are an amazingly strong person and you will make it through. Remember that your internet friends are rooting for you and your family.
IHeartBacon says
Wow, I had a lot of very unkind things that I was going to write about your husband, but after reading Been There’s reply, I realize that what I had to say was completely unproductive. Been There’s advice is so kind and graceful. My only comment to the OP would be to follow her advice. Also, I am so very sorry, OP, that you are going through this. I can’t even imagine how hard it’s been for you. Hugs.
Been there says
I just want to add that I am in no way advocating for staying in a marriage that is unworkable. Just trying to give you some ideas for short-term or medium-term strategies while you decide on a long-term plan and prepare to implement it, whatever that plan is.
IHeartBacon says
Been There, that’s exactly what I interpreted your reply to the OP to be. I hope the OP took it that way, too. Your reply was so kind and graceful to the OP, not to the husband.
anon says
I’ve been following your posts, and I am so, so sorry things are difficult. In case you don’t hear it enough, you are amazing, and your husband and kids are lucky to have you. I won’t pretend to have great advice for you, but I wanted you to know that this stranger is rooting for you and your family.
Anonymous says
All of this. No advice but big hugs. I will be thinking about you and your kids.
Anonymous says
You need a divorce. You need to protect your children from this man. You should be thanking your lucky stars he got a vasectomy! I’m so sorry this is all so hard but you are the only person who can protect your kids. He does have somewhere else to go. A motel. A trailer. An apartment. A transitional housing facility. He is abusing your kids.
Anonymous says
I think saying a disengaged parent who is in the midst of a mental health crisis is being abusive is over the top and not helpful.
Anonymous says
+1. And if OP does decide a divorce is best, she needs to plan and execute very, very carefully for safety reasons. The timing may not be right now.
Anonymous says
No it isn’t. He’s been like this for years. His behavior is anusive to his children whether he wants it to be or not. It’s time to protect them.
Anonymous says
Even setting the mental illness aside, I don’t think refusing to engage with your kids is really “abusive.” My dad was a workaholic who wasn’t very interested in spending time with me, and honestly, that was pretty much the norm in the 1980s. I definitely wouldn’t say he was a great parent, and I’m glad that our society expects a lot more of dads know, but I’d also never describe him as abusive. I feel like that term gets thrown around way too much here.
Anonymous says
This is so so hard. Not sure if you are currently working with a therapist or social worker for yourself but I would encourage you to develop a support system for yourself. Put on your own oxygen mask because it is likely to be a long complicated road forward whatever path you choose.
Ask your DH to make a concerted effort to be ‘on’ with the kids for a half hour in the evening. Even if it’s just cuddling on the couch and watching tv. We’ve talked about how quality time over quantity time matters for working moms and you can apply that here. DH may be able to do 15-30 mins of quality time a day and that would be beneficial for your kids.
Anon says
Gently – and I’ve been there, or close to there, with DH’s depression / alcoholism – after eight years I don’t know that he will suddenly develop the capacity to parent or partner with you. It isn’t his fault. And it CERTAINLY isn’t your fault. But if I were you, I would have a hard time giving a DH too many more chances given his selfish choices that directly impact you and your family.
Quietly investigate your legal options, and determine a safe time to make the separation. Maybe that will prompt him to get better, maybe not – but you’ve put in your time and you don’t need to wait forever. Your kids will be ok.
Anonymous says
This is a good point. Having MDD and OCD was not his choice, but how he has been reacting to those diagnoses (going off meds, goofing off in therapy) is very much his choice.
Anonymous says
+1
He’s not going to become someone he’s not.
Anon in NYC says
I have no advice, but wanted to send you hugs. You need to put on your oxygen mask first, in whatever form that takes.
The other side says
So, in my family, I was the one was MDD. I nearly ruined everything. I was actually ready to walk away because I had let myself get into a terrible place and I thought I wasn’t even worth my husband sticking around for me. Know that your husband probably feels this way too.
I don’t advocate staying with someone who is making your family life awful. Eight years is a long time. But please don’t give up all hope if you think there is a chance. Let him know how much he is hurting you. He is hurting so much that he can’t see that. The best thing my husband said to me was, “I want my wife back.”
I still can’t believe he gave me the chance I did. I still struggle every day with not feeling good enough for him, because he stuck with me through the worst. But please know that the person I was while I was depressed and unmedicated is NOT who I am. I can’t even relate to the things that person did! And that’s mental illness.
Anon says
This is an excellent point – depression lies to your brain. He does not have the capacity to think about this clearly right now.
But – he might never.
Sure, you should give him a chance because you love him and because he is the father of your children, also because I assume you knew him before and know that his current state isn’t a reflection of who he is at his best – but it isn’t your job to fix him.
Moreover, in this instance t’s not the he’s incapable of making decisions … he chose to go off his meds, and to waste time with his therapist, and to get a vasectomy (although, it’ IS his body) … what choices has he made to get better, or to try and be a better Dad, or … ?Depression is a reason but it isn’t an excuse.
anon says
Hugs. This is so so hard
My mom had severe mental illness for much of my childhood, and was pretty much a nonexistent parent at times. My dad was not nearly as involved as you are, although I think it would have made I big difference. All I wanted to say is that I survived and I am much a more resilient person for it, your kids will be fine. And that you are making a huge difference in your kids life by being there for them when dad can’t. When things got really bad, they send me to my grandparents, which I think helped a lot.
Also, have your husband go to the best psychiatrist and psychologist (who does evidenced based treatment for MDD – https://www.div12.org/diagnosis/depression/) you can afford, do a ton of research. The good ones never take insurance and charge a ton, but it so so worth it. When my mom found the right psychiatrist and the right meds, she was herself again and a much better parent and wife.
Anon says
The recent thread on household tasks got me thinking. Our biggest downfall is the organizing that has to happen – finding a place for everything in our house and keeping it tidy. (Like our closets have a ton of those hanging shelves, but then the kids just shove a ton of clothes in there and we can’t find the specific pants that go with a top. Or like we pile mail and notes/ artwork from school on the kitchen counter and then important papers get lost.)
Is this something I could hire a personal organizer to come design systems for us, teach us where everything goes, and then we just maintain it? Or is that a pipe dream? I thought of it because when the kids were smaller, my mom visited and organized the bookshelves in the kids rooms. Those are still clean and nice, but all our new books are piled on top because we’ve run out of room.
I suspect one issue is we’ll need to purge a lot of stuff, but I think I’m stuck on how much I need to purge. I think I need a bigger bookshelf than the current nursery-sized one, so I wouldn’t have to get rid of so many books. But which one should I buy and what should be my criteria for keeping?
What kind of person would help me with this? And if it’s a personal organizer, how do you find those?
Anonymous says
I would try KonMari first, maybe beginning with the kids’ things instead of your own clothing as she advises. If you do the purge and design the system yourself, it will be easier to maintain.
For papers, the key is to deal with them the instant they enter the house. I recycle junk mail in the garage before it even comes through the door. As soon as I get inside, I put bills into my bill-paying organizer, put new magazines in the magazine rack and recycle the old issue, file anything that needs to be filed, and shred anything with personal information. When my kid gets home, I do the same with school papers and artwork. Everything gets filed, hung for display, or recycled immediately.
With regard to books, I’d go ahead and buy a full-sized bookcase for the kids’ books. My personal criteria for keeping books are (1) is this going to be read again? and (2) is it a book that the kid or the family really loved and is worth keeping for sentimental reasons? I also bought the entire family Kindles and established a rule that only books where the illustrations are essential and a few sentimental favorites can be purchased in physical form. Otherwise we’d literally have to buy a bigger house for all the books.
Anonymous says
I think you are the only one who can do this work.
Coach Laura says
Not true. You can hire professionals who come to your house and do this with you, help you and guide you and install shelves/storage if needed. There is a woman in Seattle named Laura Leist who will come to your house – she’s the only one I have experience with – but there are literally thousands of professional organizers across the country.
Betty says
Check out the blog and podcast for Organize365. It walks you through getting organized (declutter first, then organize, then try and make an area more productive for your family). I really like the approach and there are many episodes to the podcast. Her website also links to professional organizers who can absolutely do the work for you/with you, and they can do it much more quickly because they are not emotionally attached to the things.
Anonymous says
My house is a mess but I Konmari fold my kids clothes and it is life changing. I taught my cleaner to fold the same way and pay her to fold their clothes every week. It’s an indulgence that maintains my sanity and I can focus on organizing other areas of the house which is a better use of my time vs. folding laundry.
EB0220 says
I have the same problem and here is what I think: The first step is to declutter. Ideally I would have about 25% of the storage space in my house empty. After you get rid of the unimportant stuff, you have to think very hard about how you need each space in your house to work for you. What’s the easiest place to store coats? Where do you want your spatulas to be? I think an organizer could help keep you on track and push you to make the decisions,but ultimately I think it will only be useful if you do the work yourself. Then – (this is the hard part for us) not only do you have to declutter but then you have to be super super picky about what new stuff comes in. It’s taken me a lot of time, but over the years I’ve developed systems for storage that at least keep everything vaguely organized.
Anonymous says
Stopping the influx of new stuff is critical. I have found that having everything organized so it is not crowded into the storage space is a great deterrent to purchasing new stuff because I don’t want to mess up my pretty closets.
Anonymous says
Last spring I took a day off work and purged and organized. It was so amazing how much I could accomplish with a day at home alone. I’m thinking of taking a fall day for the same purpose in November.
Anonymous says
This is genius!
I’m in a crazy busy period right now but totally doing this in January to clear out after the influx of Christmas stuff.
ANP says
This summer we downsized to a house that’s about 2/3 the size of our prior home. Obviously, not everything was going to fit — and we were paying movers, so I spent 6 weeks decluttering the sh!t out of our house so we didn’t overpay for moving. I was brutally honest about whether we’d use something again and sold countless household goods, toys, and furniture on Facebook Marketplace (and donated vanload after vanload on top of all that). We have three kids and save clothes and toys as hand-me-downs, but I tossed unusable/stained/worn out items and was able to pare down a ton.
I’m not saying you have to move to do this, but going through every drawer, every closet, and every box was an amazing and freeing process. Now that we’re in the new house (with all of our stuff in its place), I can honestly say that life is better and easier with less stuff to deal with. I am by no means a KonMari-level minimalist, but I like to have order in my life and it’s way easier when you have fewer items to wrangle.
Anonymous says
There are 100 percent professional organizers that do this, and I have use one! So worth it. The one I hired was trained in the kon Mari method. On the off chance you’re in the Toronto area, look up the TidyMoose on instagram/FB. Even if you’re not in the area, send her a message and I’m sure she could direct you to her counterparts in other large cities.
anon says
Yes, you can hire someone. If you aren’t naturally inclined to be organized, it probably would be a good investment. And yes, part of the answer is to declutter. If you don’t have enough room for more books, get rid of some and stop buying them. Libraries are great.
I am very, very picky about what I bring into my home from LO’s toys and clothes, to my clothes, to kitchen stuff, etc. I have to 1) love it, 2) have a use for it, AND 3) have room for it. If it doesn’t fit any of that criteria, it doesn’t come home with me.
avocado says
Last night I put on my daughter’s coat (kids’ size 10; I am 9 inches taller and 50 pounds heavier than she is) and didn’t notice for several minutes until I went to zip it up and wondered why my coat was suddenly so short. I am so freaking tired that my brain has turned to mush. I guess it’s time to stop buying her clothes that look like mine.
FVNC says
Last week my 5 yr old daughter dressed herself in her 18 mo old brother’s pants. It took me until we were headed out the door to school to realize that she does not have a pair of “grey capri joggers”. The pants were size 12 mos. Yep, I’m super sharp in the mornings!
AwayEmily says
This made me laugh out loud.
JTM says
My daughter loved this seat! But then around 6mos I realized that she wasn’t developing those muscles to learn to sit up on her own, because the seat was doing all the work for her. We increased her tummy time and time just chilling on the floor and she quickly figured out how to sit up on her own.
Anonymous says
We loved this seat for the period between when the kids wanted to be able to sit up and look around but weren’t quite stable enough that we felt comfortable leaving them in a sitting position without being right there in case they fell over.
Anonymous says
My daughter was a late sitter, but when she finally sat, she sat really well. That period of time would have been about a month or less for us, so I’m glad I didn’t invest in this seat, even if friends raved about it.
Anonymous says
We used a boppy pillow for this. The only thing we ever used it for, actually.
Mom Brain says
When do you stop attributing being absentminded and forgetful to Mom Brain and start wondering if your body is out of whack. I feel like I’m to that point and am wondering about my physical and mental health. My yearly physical appointment is one month from today. Wondering if I should try to get in sooner. Any thoughts on how long Mom Brain is a thing and how much it should impact my day to day activities? Thanks!
Anonymous says
I thought I had mom brain and it turned out to be a B12 deficiency. If it’s bothering you, get it checked out.
Anonymous says
+1. In my case “mom brain” was a thyroid disease. Definitely get it checked.
Anon at 10:33 says
But adding to this that I think it’s fine to wait a month unless you’re having other symptoms. It’s not something to ignore for years, but a month is fine and it would probably be hard to get in with your PCP earlier, anyway.
OP says
Thanks!
OP says
I know you’re both right – if you’re concerned get it checked out. I’m worried about thyroid and/or depression (which I know can go together).
I have hardly any energy, have a really hard time focusing, and am forgetful. The focusing and forgetfulness are starting to impact my work product and also conversations. I’ll be talking to my husband and just completely lose my train of thought in the middle of a sentence all the time. I’m also having serious motivation issues, which is not typical for my Type A personality. I feel like I just never get woken up each day, and then the day is over and I’ve lost all this time. But, I’m a working mom, so of course I do what I have to. It’s hard because it feels so subjective. I can definitely function, but something feels off.
I’m not even sure what the purpose of my response elaborating on my symptoms is. Just to vent a bit, maybe, and for someone to tell me that even though I can function, something might still be off.
Anonymous says
Are you BFing? I felt this way until I weaned and never had any other health issue (that I knew of anyway). Even though BF-ing wan’t physically painful after the first couple of weeks and I ate and drank plenty (enough that I stayed almost 10 pounds above my pre-preg weight), it just drained my body and brain in a way that really surprised me. I started feeling a lot better when I cut down to morning/night nursing, but didn’t really feel like myself again until I’d fully weaned.
Anonymous says
For me, this was burnout. Wellbutrin, more sleep, more regular exercise, and working with a therapist to manage things without getting overwhelmed have been key.
anon. says
Seconding what someone up the thread said. I had a serious B12 deficiency post partum and didn’t realize it for a year. They ran blood tests but not for B12, and I had to ask specifically for it. Make sure you ask for B12 and D to be run on your blood test. Simply taking B12 supplements has really helped me.
OP says
Thanks, everyone. Not breastfeeding anymore. Actually my symptoms have gotten worse since I weaned over the summer.
Anonymous says
If it makes you feel better, if it’s a thyroid issue it sounds like hypo rather than hyper. Hypo is less serious and much more easily treated. So I think a thyroid issue wouldn’t be a worst case scenario here at all – you’d start meds as soon as the bloodwork comes back and probably feel better within a week or two.
EB0220 says
FWIW my auto-immune thyroid disease got worse after I weaned. It does sound more like hypo which is good. I have hyper and it is a big pain.
Anonymous says
EB0220, do you have Graves? How did you end up treating it? What happened when you weaned? I’m currently on methimazole and responding really well to it (I’ve only been on it 6 weeks but am already down to 5 mg), but this comment makes me nervous about what will happen when I stop b-feeding.
Coach Laura says
Yep – “brain fog” is often caused by B12 deficiency, thyroid problems or autoimmune diseases like celiac. Celiac is notorious for causing brain fog. Celiac and thyroid problems can also be triggered or exposed after childbirth. Get them all checked out when you go. Don’t be surprised if the doctor wants to blame it all on lack of sleep, so be ready to push back.
OP says
Interesting. My mom has celiac, but I’ve never considered it for myself. Her reactions are pretty extreme, and I definitely don’t have the same extreme symptoms she does.
I will definitely push back on lack of sleep, but am pretty hopeful my doctor won’t land there. I (knock on wood) have a three year old who is a fantastic sleeper. I feel worse now than when she was in her first year and not sleeping through the night.
Anonymous says
OP, if you have a three year old, I don’t think they’ll immediately land on sleep deprivation. I was diagnosed with a thyroid disease when I was 7 months postpartum and they definitely wanted to chalk it up to sleep deprivation then. Nobody believed me when I said the baby had been sleeping 10 hours straight since she was a month old :P But with a 3 year old, I think they’ll take you seriously if you say you’re not sleep-deprived. And if not, change doctors!
Coach Laura says
OP – hope it’s not too late for you to see this. If your mom has celiac you should definitely be tested, even if you don’t have the textbook gastrointestinal systems. Celiac has about 100 recognized symptoms (per medical experts) and some people have none. All the major experts state that anyone with a 1st degree relative with celiac should be tested.
Anon says
“Mom brain” isn’t a thing but sleep deprivation and other health conditions obviously impact your ability to concentrate, etc.
I credited my post-partum fogginess to sleep deprivation, which was obviously part of it, but ultimately found out that my thyroid was way out of whack after my pregnancy. Medication made a huge difference for me.
OP says
Thanks!
Anonymous says
I know this has been touched on before, but how do you deal with judgy co-workers who resent your flex schedule? I have a chronic illness, two little kids in daycare, and an elderly mother who lives in my town. Due to doctor’s appointments and sick days for all of the above, plus vacation days (travel to see family, plus kid’s events), I’m basically never in the office anything near 40 hours. Many weeks I’m only there 20-25 hours. But I work a lot at home (including sometimes on weekends and evenings when DH is taking care of the kids) and feel like I’m as productive as I’ve ever been. My boss is really great and doesn’t really care about facetime as long as my work is getting done, which it is. But my (mostly childless) co-workers seem super resentful and are always making comments about how I’m never in the office. Any advice?
Anonymous says
IDK – I make a point of sending emails to those coworkers at like 10pm or 5am or whenever I’m working off regular hours but that’s probably a bit passive aggressive. I just don’t have the energy to figure out how to otherwise deal with it. Interested to see what responses you get.
Anonymous says
Yeah, I don’t know what you can really do about it other than sending off-hours e-mails. I had a co-worker who was like OP’s co-workers–he used to e-mail me “are you working?” all the time when I was working remotely and make comments like “it must be nice to have kids so you never have to work,” even though I was actually in the office more than he was because he was always taking the morning or afternoon off to work out. Some people are just jerks, and it’s not really worth trying to impress them because you’ll never succeed.
Anonymous says
Deal with it? You’re getting what you want, you aren’t in the office reliably, your boss is cool with it. These people never will be.
Anonymous says
Yeah, I think you just have to focus on yourself only. If you’re doing your work and those above you are happy with the arrangement, that’s all there is to it. It’s not worth getting into it with your coworkers. They won’t understand until they’re in your shoes.
ANP says
This is tough because bad relationships with colleagues can negatively impact your work. Is this a topic where you can seek your boss’ advice? Not in a tattletale way, but in a way where you’re asking for his/her input on how to make sure you’re seen as a contributing member of the team?
anon says
I have this situation! Except I’m in the office for a solid 40-45 hours a week at a nonprofit and that’s still not considered enough since I leave first every night.
I also can’t send emails to people at off hours because these are people who perform the same function as me but we support different teams so we don’t really work together. Honestly, I hate it. My next job I’m going to try to make sure I work with people with kids, preferably young kids like me. I actually DO work with some, but they don’t sit next to me in the office reporting to the same boss. (My team has six women in their early to mi-thirties but of those six, I’m the only one with kids and all the others are childless by choice).
BabyBoom says
I’m in the same boat! My approach is to try and change how I look at it because I don’t think I can actually change my coworker’s world view. It might be super cheesy, but I have three things that I remind myself of when I feel like I am failing at work (or someone else seems to be implying I am).
1) Some people are just a-hats. Those same coworkers that make crap comments about your time are probably the same coworkers that make crap comments about other things. If you were at work 40+ they would just find something else to comment on. If someone has a comment about the substance of my work, then I will listen. Comments on my time are “noted” and ignored.
2) Men don’t typically worry about this. I think I read this on the main board, but I think it’s really true. When men have home life interfere with work hours, they just do their best and assume no one is watching. When it happens to women they start making plans to go part time! As long as I am getting the work done, I try and let go of the guilt.
3) I am in control of the quality of my work. I might beat myself up for not getting enough time in the office, but I am maintaining the quality of my work. My boss is very happy with both the quantity and quality of my work. Sounds like your boss is happy with you as well.
ifiknew says
I couldn’t agree more about bfing and mom brain. I didn’t feel like myself until I weaned and morning and night helped a ton.
Anonymous says
Chiming in a few days late to say I really enjoyed reading about everyone’s upbringing and backgrounds on the working mom post. My mom was a SAHM ever since I was born, and I don’t have a good role model for working mothers (besides my peers) now that I am pregnant with my first.
My mother is also creating some problems in our relationship because she has NO clue of what it takes to be a working mom (or working human for that matter). She lives a fairly charmed existence where I would classify her as one of the “ladies who lunch”. I do know she struggled with limited emotional support from my dad when I was a child, but I still feel we can’t relate to each other.
As an example, when I was in high school, she decided she wanted to re-enter the workforce, which I thought was fantastic. She got a job working in the high school cafeteria and quit after ONE DAY because she thought it was “too hard”. It was really embarrassing and I truly don’t think she understands my desire to work.
So thank you to all of you for sharing your experiences and demonstrating all the different scenarios that make families work! It certainly is taking a burden off my shoulders as I prepare to re-enter the workforce after my baby is born.
babyfood says
when did you start baby on solids? Ped said start at 4 months but baby doesn’t look ready to me, and making baby food is such a PIA I want to delay to 5-6 months.
Also, has anyone had experience with baby food delivery services, such as nurture life? Debating whether makes sense to do that or try to hire someone to make baby food or make it myself
Anonymous says
5.5 months. Our ped strongly suggested to wait until 6 months, but I just couldn’t wait to it and gave in a couple weeks early. In hindsight, I should have waited. I really don’t think she was ready. She had fine head control but had no idea how to eat off a spoon. It took her a solid (no pun intended, ha) 2-3 weeks to figure it out. My friends whose kids started at 6+ months had kids who took to eating off a spoon much faster.
I’ve never made my own baby food, but a delivery service seems crazy expensive and not worth it. Target, Amazon and our local grocery stores sell TONS of organic baby food pouches and jars without any added sugar. There are lots of single ingredient pouches you can start with, and then much more interesting mixed ingredient pouches once baby is older and eating lots of different things.
Anonymous says
Also just to add, I think the shelf-stable options are perfectly nutritious but if you’re worried about preservatives or whatever, there are also refrigerated options in most grocery stores. Not sure why those would be any less healthy than a delivery service or even homemade.
anon says
+1 all the organic pouches have no preservatives. Store bought baby food is a LOT healthier than what people envisioned even 10 years ago. I would not bother making your own food if its going to peeling, chopping, steaming, and pureeing for something your baby is going to have a few bites of.
AIMS says
The pouches often have a lot of sugar. And some, even organic, do have preservatives, to the extent that matters to you. I think they’re fine once in a while but it’s something to consider. Also I found them so wasteful when learning to eat. FWIW, I didn’t find it hard to make baby food if you keep it simple. My kids both learned to eat on mashed yams and all that is boiling sweet potatoes and adding a pat of butter. I use a ricer to make it super smooth but only because I had one on hand. Cooking doesn’t have to be complicated. Baby yogurt is another easy learning food.
FWIW, OP, we started at around 5 months and didn’t do it in earnest until 6.
Anonymous says
I mean, fruit pouches will have sugar because fruit has sugar but it’s incredibly easy to avoid added sugar. I’ve bought my child literally hundreds of different pouches and jars and I’ve never seen one with any ingredient other than fruit, veg, grain, meat, water, and ascorbic acid (vitamin C). We buy organic but I have no reason to think that’s not true of regular ones as well. Added sugar shows up more in food marketed to toddlers and anything that’s artificially flavored, like flavored yogurt. It’s really not that common in plain baby food pouches.
They keep in the fridge for 24 hours so we never had any waste, even when our kid was only eating 1/3 or 1/2 a pouch. She graduated to eating a whole one pretty quickly though.
I found making baby food extremely time-consuming, and I don’t hate cooking. It’s great that you enjoyed making your own, but there’s really no need to be so smug about it. Prepared baby food is no less healthy, and a great time-saver for working moms who have more money than time.
Anonymous says
Just wanted to add that I got home and looked at the pouches in my panty and every single one of them says 0g added sugar on the label. And I have about 5 or 6 different brands (all organic though), and don’t specifically look for a “no sugar added” statement when I buy them – I just look at ingredients and make sure they’re all real foods and don’t include fruit juices.
The only thing that I would say is bad about pouches, and it’s not really bad, just deceptive, is that sometimes a pouch will say “spinach and pears” but the first ingredient is pears and the second is spinach. I don’t really think this is a big deal – I think they’re both generally healthy and kids need fruits in their diet too, especially constipated kids like mine – but it is a bit misleading. But if you care you can easily check the order of ingredients.
AIMS says
Hey anonymous @ 2:39. Im sorry if you found my comment smug. My only point was that it *doesn’t* have to be time consuming. I agree that if you look up baby food recipes it is way intense and more than I could do. But I think there are simple work arounds, hence my example. I would have said more about that but I didn’t think that would be interesting to anyone. Whatever works for you and your kid is the right thing! And it sounds like you read labels and look into what you’re buying. A lot of people don’t and would be surprised that even many organic purees have much more sugar than their home cooked equivalent because the ingredients don’t tell you the proportions of the fruit involved. Again, everyone can make their own choices but if this is something OP cares about I wanted to share what I found to be miseleading, that’s all.
Anonymous says
If you don’t dislike cooking, you might find that making baby food is less of a PIA than you imagine. They eat so little, that it goes a long way. You don’t have to get fancy about it. We added fruit to oatmeal that could be mashed up on the spot – lots of bananas, some softer pears, etc. For vegetables, I made some single vegetable purees here and there and did the ice cube trays. It lasted forever because they eat so little. Around 10 months, we mostly moved to bite size pieces of whatever we were eating and other finger foods. And we definitely used some pouches of food I didn’t want to deal with or didn’t have available to me for whatever reason. It was much less hands on than I expected. But I very much subscribed to the ‘food before one is just for one’ philosophy so BM was kiddo’s primary source of nutrition until age one. If you’re a person who ramps up solids to be done with BM/formula exactly at one, you might require more solids sooner.
Anonymous says
Closer to six months but just short of that we started because baby kept trying to stick our food in her mouth.
Official AAP recommendation is still to start at 6 months although in the UK I think it’s 4 months.
You don’t need to make special baby food. Just mash or chop your own food into small pieces and also pick up a few jars or pouchs of purees for variety. When cooking food that we knew baby was also going to eat we just omitted salt and added it from the shaker at the table for ourselves. Doing a separate meal for baby would be so much work!
aelle says
I never once made baby food. Either what I was cooking for myself was appropriate for my daughter to eat too, or I would serve her a jar of baby food. You can read the ingredients and look into different brands if you are worried about their quality; I have found that they are held to much higher standards than products for general consumption and the only preservative is typically ascorbic acid (vitamin C). It does mean that you need to throw away an open jar after 48 hours.
I started offering tastes around 4 months, but my daughter was not interested until 6 months. She kept eating fairly small quantities, until she joined a daycare at 12 months where she ate breakfast and lunch surrounded by lots of bigger children.
Anonymous says
Recommendation is between 4-6 mo. Our pediatrician says to start in that timeframe when baby is interested, because it works better then (ie if baby’s interested at 4.5 mo, don’t wait till 6 when she may not be any more). We started our first at 4.5 mo as he could sit without support and was sooooo interested. He ate a ton from the start but had a terrible gag reflex so we mostly did purees at that age. Current baby is 2 mo and I keep catching myself about to give him tastes of my food, forgetting he’s still too little!
layered bob says
The (relatively recent – in the last 3-4 years) recommendation is to introduce common allergens in the 4-6 month window. I’ve never made or purchased baby food. I just offer tastes of whatever I’m eating, especially peanut butter, egg yolk, etc., starting at 4 months while the baby is on my lap during mealtimes. Pretty soon they grab things off my plate and gnaw on them. Around 8-10 months we’ll sit them in their own seat at the table with glass dishes and silverware, and by a year they’re eating everything.
Anonymous says
I don’t think there’s any advice to do allergens before 6 months. It used to be you were supposed to wait super long on allergens – something like 3 years, I think. Now, the advice is to do any potential allergen “early” – but early means before 12 months, because even that is such a change from the old advice. Three of my close friends and I all had babies within the last 1.5 years and our pediatricians all said 6 months or later for solids, and to wait for signs of readiness and later was better if in doubt. I think if you formula feed, it’s usually recommended earlier, but for breastfed babies the AAP still says breastmilk only for a minimum of 6 months. Most of us started solids between 5 and 6 months, although one friend did not do solids until 7.5 months with the full support of her ped (and her kid is now 1 and eats great). Even those of us who started solids by 6 months started with veggie purees or infant cereals, so basically stuff that is very low allergy risk anyway. I did eggs around 7 months, meat and fish around 8 months, and I still haven’t given my 10 month old peanut butter.
Anonymous says
The AAP is actually mixed. The committe on breastfeeding recommends 6 months, and the committee on food nutrition recommends 4-6 months. The association of allergists recommends closer to 4 months.
There is actually a recommendation to start high allergy foods as early as possible, preferably before 6 months, as there is a lot of evidence that introducing allergens earlier reduces the likelihood of developing allergies. The same is true for introducing gluten preventing celiac disease. In fact, introducing allergens earlier is why the recommendation for introducing food has been trending earlier.
For my first I started at 5 months because I was nervous, even though my pediatrician recommended starting closer to 4 months for the allergy benefits. After a significant amount of study, I could not find any evidence that introducing solids at 4 months was worse than at 6 months, and some evidence that introducing it earlier prevented allergies and celiac disease. There is a lot of evidence that introducing solids before 4 months is harmful, and some evidence that waiting until after 6 months is harmful. My first did not get really into food until around 9 months anyway. With my second I started at 4 months and he liked it right away. Both were mostly eating regular food (not purees) by 9 months; my first was never into purees as a baby.
I mostly used purchased food, especially the single ingredient vegetables. I did mash up our own soft foods, such as avocado, banana, and sweet potato. I made some of my own for my first, mainly to try to introduce high allergy foods that were not easily available. It was easy to give cream of wheat cereal and yogurt early, and I mixed in peanut powder and almond butter.
ER says
Just in case anyone is still reading, there is absolutely a recommendation to start allergens as early as possible, which is why many peds now encourage babies to start solids at 4 months rather than 6 months.