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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 95 Comments · by

Everyone Thursday: Shawl-Collar Cardigan

Everyone

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A woman wearing a Shawl-Collar Cardigan.I recently bought and sent back a cashmere sweater jacket because I thought it paled in comparison to my favorite merino sweater jacket. That one isn’t available any more (it was an older JNY style — has anyone tried their new collection?), but this LL Bean sweater jacket looks great. I like the high buttons, the shawl collar, the fact that it’s merino wool from LL Bean. It’s highly rated, comes in four colors, and is on sale for $109 (down from $139) with free shipping. Nice. Signature Wool Shawl-Collar Cardigan (L-all)

Sales of note for 11.28.23…

(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)

Kid/Family Sales

  • BabyJogger – 25% off 3 items
  • Crate & Kids – Up to 50% off everything plus free shipping sitewide; save 10% off full price items
  • J.Crew Crewcuts – 50% off everything + free shipping
  • ErgoBaby – 40% off Omni Breeze Carrier, 25% off Evolve 3-in-1 bouncer, $100 off Metro+Stroller
  • Graco – Up to 30% off car seats
  • Nordstrom – Big deals on CRANE BABY, Petunia Pickle Bottom, TWELVElittle and Posh Peanut
  • Strolleria – 25% off Wonderfold wagons, and additional deals on dadada, Cybex, and Peg Perego
  • Walmart – Savings on Maxi-Cosi car seats, adventure wagons, rocker recliners, security cameras and more!

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Comments

  1. Anonymous says

    I’ll preface by saying I’ve seen similar sweaters that look very nice, but this one looks frumpy to me. Maybe the color of the buttons?

    • Anonymous says

      I think it’s the completely buttoned-up shirt underneath, but I agree.

    • Anony says

      I think it’s the chunky cabling of the sweater. I am looking for a new thick sweater blazer (think St johns but youngers, cheaper) to replace the awesome one I got at talbots a few year ago. Anyone?

  2. Anonymous says

    One of my kids is going to be on a mostly puree diet for about the next 2-3 months, so after only two weeks of buying the disposable squeeze pouches, I’d like to buy the reusable ones. Does anyone have a recommendation? We’re short on time and short on money and child is having lots of medical issues right now so eating applesauce with a spoon is not really an option – these suck and squeeze pouches are working great. But at $1+ each at eating about 9-10 a day, it’s time to go reusable. Ideally, I’d like it to be:

    Easy to clean – most important
    Easy to load
    Sucks like the disposable ones (no weird mouth piece)

    Thanks!

    • Meg Murry says

      I’ve never used any of the re-usable pouches, so no help here. However, before you invest a lot of money into a pouch filling set/system – can kiddo drink through a wide straw? If so, could you get a set of wide straws and put puree into bags (like the breastmilk storage bags), at least for at home? Or drink the purees like he would a smoothie with a straw in a cup?

      We have a bunch of wide straws and cups that were supposed to be disposable from one of the local restaurants that we wash and re-use for a little while – would something like that work?

      Of course, this idea works better for a 4+ year old than a 2 year old, so feel free to ignore my “not answering what you actually asked”

      • Anonymous says

        wide straw + breastmilk bags was my first thought as well. If you do homemade stuff, you can freeze it in the bags.

    • Anonymous says

      I bought the weesprout 5oz reusable pouches off of amaz*n in Canada- not sure if they are available in the US. Especially for an older kiddo I would buy the 7oz ones- I am doubtful the ones I have are actually 5oz. And you cannot go over the fill line at all or else you have a big mess. I rinse them and throw them in the dishwasher and hey clean up well

      • Anonymous says

        Also- I second the idea for straws. My 16 month old has a smoothie every day using the Lola straw cup. The straw works perfectly for a smoothie.

      • Carine says

        I’m in the States and ordered these from Amazon also. Agree on the sizing (get the 7oz) but otherwise they’re great–well-made and easy to use.

    • NewMomAnon says

      No suggestions on reusable ones, but you can find much better deals on the standard pouches if you (a) buy the adult or big kid versions and (b) buy in bulk at Sam’s Club, Costco, or Amazon (or similar). I usually pay $2 for a 4 pack.

      Also – good luck. Sounds like you are going through some difficult stuff.

    • Meg Murry says

      Ooh, what about this idea to use icing bags? I don’t want to go into moderation, so Google: diy-reusable-baby-food-pouches

      Or for a younger kid, what about the playtex drop in liners in a bottle, and cut an X in the n*pple?

      For an alternative to straight purees, you could also make popsicles out of applesauce, etc using Silicone Ice Pop molds (example of well reviewed ones, cheaper ones also available: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B002YVGNHC/ )

      Honestly, once you factor in waste and restaurant meals, my kids probably eat close to $10 a day in food, so if you can get pouches in bulk (Costco, Amazon subscribe and save, etc), I wouldn’t stress too much over this.

      Any chance you could get the doctor to write a prescription for “medical food” so you could at least buy it with FSA/HSA money?

    • layered bob says

      we LOVE our Squooshies (+ filling station, + ChooMe lids). They were not that expensive and hold up the best of any we’ve tried. They don’t reliably get totally clean in the dishwasher, although they are dishwasher safe – we always put them in the dishwasher, and then take a peek when unloading and sometimes give an additional swipe with a bottle brush, and let dry on our Boon trees.

      • layered bob says

        ah just saw that you don’t want the weird lids, so the ChooMe lids would not be necessary for you then.

        I’d do the bigger size of Squooshi since you’re going through so many per day.

  3. Mary says

    My son was nominated for Homecoming King. I am very proud because he is very compassionate and the kind of person who gets along with everyone and this was recognized by his peers. The problem is that his girlfriend is insanely jealous and does not want him to be part of the court. She wants him to pull his name so he can’t win. I am sad that she is ruining this honor for him but not sure what to say at this point. I need mom advice.

    • Momata says

      This is hard. Seems like it might be a teachable moment for learning to surround yourself with people who share and support your joy. On the other hand, I wouldn’t want anything I said to be interpreted as “you told me to break up with my girlfriend so I could try to be Homecoming King.” I’m surprised girlfriend isn’t excited to potentially be the date of the Homecoming King.

    • Suburban says

      Awful. I don’t have much specific advice but I think you need to let him know that it’s not ok and that this is not what a healthy relationship looks like. I think if a young woman were being treated by a boyfriend in the same manner we might see it as a precursor to abusive behavior.

      If it were my son I might tell him that although she’s a lovely girl (if true) that this behavior is unhealthy. Remind him that people who care about you support and champion you; they don’t ask you to do things that isolate you out of jealousy. Remind him that he is trustworthy and loyal and doesn’t need to give up social opportunities to prove that. I might even share that in my experience very jealous romantic partners are often secretly unfaithful.

      Good luck.

    • Anon says

      I think this is a great time for empathy followed by open ended questions that sort of prod him to get to the right result —
      “Wow, I’d be really disappointed/mad if I had to pull out of the running — one time at work, I got nominated to attend [XXX] but couldn’t go, and my colleague got to go instead. I was really angry.” (I remember reading somewhere that teenage guys can better relate to anger than sadness).

      “Would you ask her to pull her nomination if she was nominated?”

      “Why not?”

      “Do you think it’s fair she is asking you to do that?”

      “What would you advise [Friend] to do if his girlfriend suggested he pull out of the running?”

      He may not get to the right answer in his conversation with you, or figure out what you are doing and shut down the conversation – but hopefully he’ll start thinking about it and get there on his own.

      • Anon says

        Also, would toss in a general question about feeling disappointed after the fact — “Do you think you’ll be upset when they announce the court, and you’ll have known that you gave away the chance to be on the court?”

    • Mary says

      Thank you for the support. This gives me ideas for how to approach it. Neither me nor my husband even went to homecoming or prom. We just weren’t those kind of kids so we are kind of baffled and pleasantly surprised that we raised this kid who loves going to games and who participates in school activities. I am sad that she is making him feel conflicted about the honor.

    • Spirograph says

      First, you’re right to be so proud of raising a young man well-liked and respected by his peers. good job, mom!

      As for the girlfriend, I agree with others that she sounds toxic and you should tread carefully. Ask how he feels about it- is he sad/disappointed, or just you? Is he angry at the girlfriend’s demand? You don’t want him to give up something important to him to maintain likeability or appease a jealous partner, but if he honestly doesn’t care (i can’t imagine this is the case) it’s fair to prioritize girlfriend’s feelings.

      Either way, I think the main thing is that you support his decision. I’ve noticed in the last few years that my mom will be devil’s advocate all the way through my decision process, but once I actually take an action, she thinks that’s the best course. If I change my mind, the new way is the best. She’s super opinionated and I don’t doubt she’d call me out if I tried to do something crazy, but as long as I stay within the bounds of rational action, she never undermines me (going back to late high school, at least) or says she told me so, unless I point it out first. I don’t know if it’s a conscious decision on her part, but I do appreciate always feeling like she has my back.

    • Anon advice says

      I think there’s a lot of helpful advice here, so I’m not sure I have anything else to add, other than to point out the obvious — this poor girl must be terribly insecure to be having this type of jealous reaction. Keep that in consideration if possible. Perhaps there’s something more serious happening in her life (or something in her past) that is causing her to feel this way. Hopefully there’s a way for your son to continue feeling compassion for her but stop her from raining on his parade. Also, if you know her parents and have a relationship with them, maybe there is a way to discuss this with them — to pass along your concern for her and to make sure they know what’s going on? That’s probably overstepping (I have a tiny tot, so no experience in the world of teenagers), but it’s just a thought…
      Good luck. And congrats on raising a good kid!

      • Em says

        I also don’t have much to add on addressing this particular situation, but it reminded me of advice I read for when you don’t approve of your child’s significant other, which is consistent with what “Anon advice” said. The advice was that the temptation is often to alienate the SO, but the better move is to include the SO in lots of family activities so that the SO either picks up on your family’s values and way of life or it becomes painfully clear to your child that the SO does not have the same values and they make the decision to remove the SO from their life. I think this is good advice in this situation. If there is something going on with the girlfriend, perhaps you can be a supportive person in her life. If not, hopefully your son will see this and move on to a healthier relationship.

    • Katala says

      I’m in the minority – and I do think you should have a conversation with your son about this – but this doesn’t sound like such out-of-the-norm teenage girl behavior. Yes, in adult relationships, it’s best to support each other and not let our own feelings come first, but it takes time to learn that. Teenagers are selfish. Maybe being nominated was super important to her, and she’s extremely disappointed and acting out in a negative way – things like this can seem So Important in high school.

      I definitely think a conversation is warranted and will help your son see this isn’t the way a healthy relationship should work, but I’d be careful jumping straight to the conclusion that girlfriend is toxic or has significant problems or trauma in her past without other evidence. Sometimes teenagers are just emotional and make bad decisions or say things they haven’t thought through or don’t really mean. (This is all from memory, I’ve not parented a teen so take my opinion with a grain of salt.)

  4. Anon says

    bad, bad morning. Ugh, I exploded at my husband this morning when I came downstairs from taking my shower. Husband had not put away any of the breakfast dishes or done anything to get the house/kids ready for us to leave, and he had let the toddler play in the sink, so the kitchen was considerably messier than when I had left it (after I cooked breakfast).

    I know exactly what happened from his perspective — everything seemed fine, and I came down and yelled at him in front of the kids. He grew up in a volatile home, and yelling at each other or otherwise addressing problems in a non-constructive way in front of the kids is a big issue for him (I think it’s important to discuss problems/issues in front of the kids so they can see we have conflict and are capable of resolving it well). On my end, my frustration with him has been creeping higher and higher – he works a lot more than I do, and I have to be careful not to become the default parent/house keeper. Over the last few weeks, we’ve had a ton of home stuff that has fallen on my shoulders, and turns out, this was the damn straw. I felt like I had been telling him that I needed his help on more around the house, but apparently wasn’t clear about it.

    Now he’s really unsettled (we haven’t fought badly in a long time), and I’m still p*ssed. We were both angry when we sent the kids off, and we hardly ever stay angry past an initial discussion (even if we don’t resolve something right away). UGH UGH UGH. Anyone else with a no good morning??

    • Em says

      I feel like mornings are just ripe for this type of thing. Lots of commiseration from me on this issue. I usually try to wait until I get home to address the problem. That way we have both cooled down and aren’t trying to communicate via text (always a bad idea when fighting). When I get home I apologize for yelling, and then calmly explain why I was upset using “I” phrases. (ex. “I apologize that I yelled this morning. That was not the right way to handle the situation and I will try not to do that in the future. I was feeling rushed to get out the door and have been really stressed lately with everything that needs to be done and I was really upset when I came downstairs and saw all the cleaning that still needed to be done. Going forward could you please try to pick up the breakfast dishes when I go upstairs to shower?”). Did you ask your husband to clean up the breakfast dishes before you went upstairs? I realize it isn’t your job to tell him what to do, but I find my husband is great about doing things if I ask, but horrible about identifying what needs to be done by himself. A gentle reminder that communicates expectations can go a long way to keeping the peace (“I’m going to run up and shower. Could you please clean up the breakfast dishes while I am upstairs”).

    • Anonymous says

      That’s so frustrating. My DH and I have been doing marriage counselling. One of the things that helped us the most is for me to focus on talking about how I feel and not on accusing him (he hears this a lot better), and he has to focus on not saying ‘but,…’ because it devalues my feelings. So like,

      – I feel really frustrated that you didn’t get the kids ready for school and made a big mess. I feel alone in dealing with the kid stuff. I feel like I have more than I can handle on my plate and that I don’t have help.
      – he active listens what you said without saying stuff like “I hear you saying that you feel alone in dealing with the kids but you shouldn’t because I did XYZ to help yesterday.”

      HTH

      • Anonymous says

        adding that the other thing that helps is to ask him what he would have done if I wasn’t here. That often makes him realize that he was in fact coasting and relying on me to quarterback everything.

    • Anonymous says

      Even though you know exactly what happened from his perspective, give him a chance to tell you. There might have been something else going on (e.g., perhaps he was dealing with work email or kid had spilled on DH’s clothes so DH needed to change). Then I would try talking to him about how overwhelming it is that everything seems to fall on you, and that rather than helping, it felt like DH made things HARDER by letting kiddo play in the sink. Hugs, this is so hard.

    • TBK says

      Can you divide things up more explicitly? Saying “I feel like I have too much on my plate” alone is totally unhelpful to my husband. I need to ask him to specific tasks. Annoying, yes, but less annoying than feeling overwhelmed. Also, what exactly do you mean by “default parent/housekeeper”? If he works a lot more than you do, maybe it makes sense for you to manage the household and dole out tasks to him. Not that he doesn’t do any parenting or housekeeping, but I always think of it as my husband and me working the same amount overall, including all family-related tasks. Our jobs are pretty similar in terms of hours and stress, but if one of us has an especially heavy week, usually the other steps up on the home front.

    • Anonymous says

      Yep, that would have made me pretty mad too. Depending on how old your kids are, and if you really blew up, I would suggest mentioning it over dinner and discussing it with your husband so that they can see you do it.

      Separately, can you guys have a talk/refresher on who is responsible for what, and talk about what is causing this tension? Also, I don’t want this to come off as old-fashioned or critical when I really do feel nothing but empathy for your situation, but if he’s pulling more hours at work, maybe it makes sense that you take care of more of the house stuff? These days, I work more hours in the office than my husband, and he does more to take care of the house and kids. There have been times when it was the opposite. Either way, it is important to talk about expectations to avoid getting frustrated.

      On the point of annoying morning things, and maybe a laugh — for the past week, my toddler refuses to keep his darn pants on and I spend half my morning running after him pulling up his pants so that he doesn’t fall on his face….

      • TBK says

        I have a toddler who won’t wear a shirt. Is it a phase? He’ll wear one outside, but indoors, it’s all shirtless all the time.

        • Anonymous says

          I sure hope so! I think my older son did this too but I don’t remember it being such a pain! There is light at the end of the tunnel though — he is now pretty compliant about wearing clothes and sometimes even dresses himself. (He is almost four and has been physically capable of doing this for about a year, so I guess I have pretty low standards….)

        • Anon says

          Joining the toddler clothing phase club! My toddler yesterday insisted on wearing ONE pair of pants per leg! Yup. Left leg, white pantleg. Right leg, patterned pajamas. In the interest of scientific experimentation, I let her keep it on, but neither stayed on for very long.

    • NewMomAnon says

      I’m still stuck on the morning episode – was he planning to clean it up? Because sometimes I make a decision that I’ll let kiddo spread destruction so I can accomplish something, and know that I will have to clean it up afterward. If he was planning to clean it up, your anger could have been a huge surprise. If he was planning to allow the havoc but leave it for the “cleaning fairies,” that’s definitely worth some re-allocation of responsibilities. For future episodes, see if you can approach with curiousity – if you had asked him whether he planned to clean up the mess, you might have avoided a blow up.

      It also sounds like maybe you are feeling very stretched but acknowledge that he doesn’t have capacity to take on more either. Consider whether you can outsource household responsibilities. Grocery delivery, laundry pickup and drop off services, even a housekeeper who comes for a few hours a couple times a week might all help you.

      • mascot says

        +1. I think that this could be a “assume good intentions, but different styles” moment. My husband has a higher tolerance (and corresponding lower sense of urgency) than I do for cleaning up the kitchen. He will do it on his own eventually, but it doesn’t drive him crazy to have dishes on the counter. Likewise, I leave a trail of coffee cups and glassware in our house and he is forever tracking them all down when he loads the dishwasher.

        • AnonMN says

          I’m glad i’m not the only one with a trail of cups. My husband always jokes that I think aliens are attacking ala the movie Signs.

  5. Closet Redux says

    I am talking with my supervisor today about my upcoming maternity leave. My company has a thin policy (i.e. it says how many paid weeks off are permitted, then leaves everything else up to approval by supervisor). Help me come up with topics to cover? I will be the first person in our unit to have a baby, and it is not a family friendly position (long, unpredictable hours, schedule regulated by outside forces) so I want to make sure I know where she stands on everything before making any recommendations/demands/decisions. So far I have:

    Number of weeks off, paid (per policy)
    Number of additional weeks off, paid/unpaid
    Use of sick and vacation time
    Returning to work part-time
    Working from home 1 day a week
    Time/space for pumping
    Predictability of time-in/ time-out
    Flex-time

    Other ideas? My supervisor is not a parent and has never supervised (or even worked with, so far as I know) a new mom.

    • Anonymous says

      I think you’ve covered a lot. To make it more manageable in a conversation – I’d break it up into two parts. Discuss maternity leave (first three points) and then discuss transitioning back to work/working (next 5 points). I wouldn’t start the conversation with a big list of topics – your two topics are mat leave and getting back to work and everything else falls into those.

      • Meg Murry says

        Yes, I agree that you should focus on the first 3, but that the rest is something that should be brought up (even in a more vague “return to work less than full time for the first X weeks, we can iron out the details later”).

        Other thoughts:
        -flex time/work from home now for doctors appointment days – eventually you’ll have one every 2 weeks, and then every week. It can give them a chance to see that it can work
        -Be sure to use some caveats like “barring medical complications”. After all, the best laid plans will have to change if you wind up on bed rest at 6 months or with a baby in the NICU.
        -Is the paid time off through a short-term disability policy? If so, you may not be able to do ANY work under the terms of that policy (including checking email), so you want to clarify that with HR – don’t promise that you’ll check in if that will violate the STD terms.

      • jlg says

        Ditto this — get the leave sorted and approved on paper first. Then talk about the return to work in a later conversation.

    • EP-er says

      I agree with breaking it up into two conversations, unless you are due any day. If you have input on the outcome/can steer the conversation, try not to get stuck using all of your sick time/vacation time as part of your leave. When you transition back to work, you are going to need some of those days to deal with sick infant/sick you.

      Frame up what you would like to see when you return. When I returned from my first leave, I tried to negotiate part time. When that wasn’t an option, then I brought up work from home one day/week, which we agreed on. I don’t think that part time + work from home would have been an option from the get-go.

    • anon says

      Who pays for health insurance while you are off unpaid (and/or paid), and what about state disability

    • Closet Redux says

      Thanks for these tips!

      Re splitting it into two conversations: I am 7 months along, so while not due literally any day, I am anticipating leave beginning end of this year and feeling the pressure to move this conversation along, especially as some of you note I could be put on bed rest or have an early labor that makes this thing real right now. So, maybe not ideal to overwhelm my supervisor with all of these points, but seems pretty necessary.

      I have already heard a few comments from my supervisor about how hard this job would be with a child. A senior co-worker said (in front of the supervisor) that he “could never do it,” all of which has felt pretty hostile. I am not sure if there have been other people who have just quit instead of trying to make it work, but I’d like to propose a few ideas that make it clear that there are a number of things to address (e.g. I work in a cubicle and have a frenzied schedule– still, you need to give me time and space to pump) and that I have flexible options/ ideas to do so– covering all my bases with one or two suggestions to start.

      Thanks for your ideas!

      • Meg Murry says

        Ok, then, since you are so far along, you probably want to discuss handover plans – will you hand over all your projects to your boss to deal with and delegate? Or do you have peers that would be picking up pieces, and should you start looping them in now (introducing them to clients over email and including them on the CC: threads, etc) so they have the background? What about deadlines that are occurring while you will be out? Any monthly, quarterly or annual reports/applications/etc that you handle every year that they need to be reminded of? When you come back, will you take these projects/roles back over, or will you leave them with whoever you handed them over to and get new projects/assignments/clients?

  6. Insurance says

    Cross-posting on both sites: debating getting workers’ compensation and employment practices liability insurance on our nanny. As I see it, the former is rather pricy perhaps worthwhile, the latter is cheap but in my opinion unnecessary especially for an at-will employee. Then again, I’m not that knowledgeable about this stuff. Thoughts? What are others doing for household employees?

    • pockets says

      workers’ comp is only necessary if you’re paying on the books, and then it might be mandatory (which I found out the hard way). I’m in NY. I’m sure this varies state to state.

      I have never heard of employment practices liability insurance. Is this in the event that you fire your nanny and she sues you for, say, sex discrimination? it seems unnecessary.

    • sfg says

      Consider an umbrella policy instead of EPL – covers you on more fronts. I do t know anyone with a single household ee with EPL, but nearly everyone has an umbrella policy.

      • Insurance says

        My understanding is that the WC would be an addition to our existing umbrella policy, like an a la carte add on. What else would be included in a more comprehensive umbrella policy like the one you’re suggesting has WC as part of it?

    • sfg says

      Also, in my state WC is mandatory and I personally don’t view it as optional. But I am also an employment lawyer, so paying under the table wasn’t an option for me either.

      • Insurance says

        Thanks, we’re paying her on the books. I am a lawyer, but not an employment lawyer, and I know nothing about WC. Someone on the main page commented that in some states household employees don’t qualify? Clearly I need to do some research…

        • Nannies says

          Not sure if you are still checking this thread, but in my state nannies are not required to be covered by WC. I’ve gone back and forth on whether to get it anyway, but my nanny is leaving and I am not sure we will replace her, so I guess the point is moot now.

          • Nannies says

            Oh, should also add that we pay her on the books (not a choice for me). But it definitely varies by state. My state had some info online and our payroll service also helped me figure out what was legally required.

    • Anon says

      The penalties for failing to have workers comp (regardless of on/off books) can be severe in some jurisdictions.

  7. TBK says

    Need advice on caregiver transitions. Our au pair is leaving in a little under 8 weeks (sniff). She arrived when the kids were 13 months old and will have been with us for a year and 9 months, so for the kids (2.5 yo twins), she’s all they’ve ever known. They have no concept that she isn’t actually part of the family, and although we look at maps and things I know they have no actual understanding of any distance greater than, say, the 20 min to get to their grandmother’s house. They certainly don’t understand the concept of “Brazil” or even “the United States.” My heart is breaking over the thought that she will just vanish from their lives and they have no idea why. (She’ll still Skype with them, but they won’t understand why she can’t come “home” to our house.)

    I know people deal with nannies and au pairs leaving all the time, and I’m sure my kids will ultimately be fine, but any advice on how to help them with this transition?

    • Momata says

      Can you find some books on caregivers leaving? I find my kid that’s about that age really understands better when I read books to her about it (getting a big bed, potty, going to the dentist, going camping). I think they could understand that au pairs are for babies, but now that they are big boys and go to school, they are making new friends with their classmates and teachers. OF course with the explanation that she will always love them and skyping. I’m not sure geography is a necessary component to all of this.

      • TBK says

        Thanks. Any recommendations on books? They’re actually getting a new au pair at the same time. It’s just that the au pair visa is limited to two years, so our current au pair has to go home.

        • Meg Murry says

          Has she ever shown them pictures of her family and home? Can you talk about how she is going to go back and live with (or near) her mom/dad/sisters/cat/whatever? So it isn’t just “Susie disappeared” it’s “Susie is a grown-up, so she lived with us for a little while, and now she’s going back to live with her family again. When you are a grown-up, maybe you’ll want to travel and live with another family too?” Or is she going back to college in her home country? You could express it that way “Susie is going to a school where she can study to be a [teacher, firefighter, architect, whatever]. But the college is far away, so she can’t sleep at our house anymore.”

          Could you get photos from the new au pair? Maybe you could make a basic “Goodbye Susie, Hello Jane” photo book? Or two separate ones, so you can send Susie off with her own “We loved Susie, we’ll miss her, but she’ll be happy in [city/country/college] with her parents?”

        • Momata says

          No, sorry – I just go on Amazon and look for highly rated books on the topic du jour. (Bonus points if it’s one in the Maisy series.)

    • Anonymous says

      My in-laws live far away and talking about them taking an airplane helps with the distance concept for my 3 year old. But maybe that’s because she’s taken an airplane to go visit them?

      • Spirograph says

        I love all of Meg’s suggestions above, and want to second this as well. My 3 year old knows that some places we can go in a car, but some places are far away and we have to take an airplane. We talk about this in the context of grandparents and why we don’t see 3/4 of them very often, and he seems to understand.

        • RDC says

          On the other hand, I’m pretty sure my 2yo thinks his nana lives on an airplane, since we always talk about nana going bye bye on an airplane. Anytime we FaceTime her he makes the sign for airplane. Ah well.

    • Betty says

      My heart hurts for you!! I’m working from home and can hear our au pair playing with the 3 year old, and I know it will be tough when she leaves (hopefully not for a long time). Sniffle.

      In terms of helping to ease the transition, can you help your kiddos make a good-bye gift for your au pair with pictures of their time together and pictures of the family she is returning to? I may also take your kids with you when you drive her to the airport. My thought is that it would help them understand that she is leaving and not just that she drove to a friend’s house for the weekend.

    • Anon says

      I say this gently – but it will probably be harder on you than it will be on them. I’ve had two nannies who became basically part of our families, and both times, I anticipated our kids would really struggle when the nannies left. Both were just fine, and honestly, really did ask much for the nannies after they left. Especially at that age, they will probably ask for her/say her name a few times in the first week after she is gone (when we’d come back to the house, the kids would call for her), but it will not have a lasting impression. I think a book, and a map to show where she lives + pictures are a good thing. It will be good for them to know that the AP still loves them and thinks about them, so FaceTime is a good thing.

      *You* will probably miss her a lot, and you’ll have to be careful not to project those feelings too heavily on the kids. As much as she is part of your family, your kids still know who Mom and Dad are, and especially at this age, that’s who really matters to them. Also, their concept of time is limited, so once she’s gone, she’ll be really gone for them. A month after our nanny left, I still find myself looking at the clock at her appointed start time, missing chatting with her over coffee. The kids haven’t asked about her in a few weeks though, and that’s not to say that she isn’t really important to them or they didn’t love her.

      It’s also good to remember that you will hold a new AP to the same standard as you held your old one at the time of her departure (a great caregiver, friend, family member, etc.). It will be good to remind yourself that the relationship took 1 yr 9 months to develop, and the new AP will have a breaking in period (I think it takes 3 months for everyone to get on steady footing).

      • Anon says

        +1 on this. You’ll be surprised how little your kiddos seem to care about it. Similar thing has happened to me (nanny of a year left) and kiddo hardly ever talked about her. Kids move on and accept change really really well.
        Cross that bridge when you get there.

      • Katala says

        *sniff!* I’m sure your kiddos will be totally fine, but it is sad to go through transitions.

        These comments are really solidifying my not-so-positive feelings about our nanny. She’s been with us for about 4 months and I would (will?) not be sad to see her go. I don’t think my son would either. Thinking ahead to my mat leave, I do not want to spend all day in the house with her. At all.

        She keeps the kid safe and takes care of his needs, so we’ve been feeling like she’s fine and we were just lucky that we liked our last nanny so much. But maybe it’s a bad fit, and it’s not just luck to find a caregiver you really like…

    • NewMomAnon says

      Your boys are about the same age as my daughter, and my kiddo does have some understanding of “far away.” She has two sets of grandparents who routinely live in other states, and she has seen their houses and facetimes with them when they are away. She’ll now ask whether Grandma and Grandpa are in “For-I-Da” or [our state]. If I say “Florida,” she’ll pull out my phone to call them.

      I have made picture books on Shutterfly with pics of her and her grandparents, and she pulls those out when she misses them. I’ve even sent them to preschool with her on days she is sad. AND we have some family in other states who regularly send postcards to kiddo, which is so much fun.

      Hugs. It will be sad, and you will miss her too I bet.

    • TBK says

      These are all great suggestions! And, yes, I will totally miss her myself and am wrestling with making sure I’m fair to the new au pair. (I haven’t been nearly as on the ball with emailing her information about our neighborhood or anything like that, which I was totally on top of with our current au pair. I also was a SAHM up until our current au pair arrived, so I did have more time for stuff like that.) She does have a cork board with photos from home in her bedroom and she lets the kids play in her room before they go down for nap, so they know the names of all her family. They also know her boyfriend because he stayed with us a few times, and they Skype with him already. So I think it will help to say that K needs to go live where I lives because she’s from far away like he is. It will help I think if they see both of them together on the computer screen. Also we’ve flown to visit my family, and they understand they mostly see Grammy and Grandpa B on the computer. So maybe this will be a little easier than I’d thought.

  8. Anonymous says

    Do you have casual tights you like to wear with dresses on weekends in the fall? I am feeling that look these days, but I only have office-y tights. Or does everyone just wear regular leggings?

    • Anonymous says

      I wear leggings on weekends. But I would wear leggings every day of my life if I could.

      • NewMomAnon says

        Do you have a favorite brand? I see people in really comfy looking leggings all the time, but the only ones I have found are awful and fall down/ride up/twist around.

        • Anonymous says

          I’m not too picky, but usually have a bunch of gap ones in my rotation to wear with dresses. For more “leggings as sort of pants” outfits (ie long sweaters) I like lulu lemon- they are substantial.

        • hoola hoopa says

          As tights replacements, I like ones I got at Costco last year (2 for $10!). I’m 99% sure they are Felina brand. They are too thin to wear as pants (which is a pro as tights for me), but so soft and have held up well. I also like them as pjs, fwiw.

          As pants replacements, I like both the hue wide waistband and the LE starfish. They are very similar in quality and waist – although I find the LE much better for small waist/wide hips. Hue gap on me if they fit on my (relatively thick) legs.

    • Meg Murry says

      I wear black or gray cotton leggings under casual dresses and skirts in the winter. Most of the time I wear black so I can also wear black socks and it isn’t so obvious – because if its cold enough for me to want something on my legs, its cold enough for me to want socks (unless I’m just wearing leggings because I’ve been too lazy to shave).

      My go-to pairs right now are Mossimo brand from Target (they are made for juniors to wear as pants, but as I am not junior shaped or sized I wear them under skirts). They are starting to stretch out and become less opaque after a year or two, but they are still fine to me.

      My slightly nicer and thicker ones are from Torrid, but those are plus sizes which you may not need.

      I’ve tried footed sweater tights but I’ve never found a pair that I liked both the way they looked and the way they felt – they almost all had either too much stretch or not enough.

  9. NewMomAnon says

    Can I vent? Kiddo started launching herself out of the crib, so I had to take off the side rail last week, and nights this week have been so, so hard. And of course, this Saturday and Sunday, kiddo is going to her dad’s house where everything is different. In the best of times, it takes 2-3 nights back at my house for her to adjust into our sleeping routine. So this super hard week will likely be repeated next week.

    The silver lining is that at least I’ll get some sleep this weekend.

    • Anonymous says

      What if you had a little bedtime book that traveled with her that emphasized the parts of the routine that are the same? Like pictures in a small photo flip book? Pictures of plate and spoon for dinner, her toothbrush, a bathtub, a book, her stuffie and blankie – whatever the steps are that happen every night no matter where she is. It might help her focus on the things that are the same even when she’s sleeping at different houses which might help her with the transition.

      • NewMomAnon says

        She isn’t sad or scared about the transition; regardless of the house she is sleeping at, the period after lights go out is a constant barrage of “need to potty,” “need water,” “big hug,” “more covers/less covers/more pillows/less pillows,” “different pajamas,””night light/no night light,” “my book fell down,” random observations about dinosaurs, etc. I have to be very disciplined to cut it off, and suffer kiddo’s tears when I say “no more.” After a couple days of consistent boundaries, she’ll fall into line and go to sleep without the constant demands. We’ve finally gotten close to that point with the new bed situation.

        Dad has a much lower appetite for kiddo’s sadness (which I understand – he is not as secure in his relationship with her as I am because he gets a lot less time with her), which means that kiddo stays up much later and inevitably ends up sleeping in dad’s bed. So there aren’t any common elements to the set of events starting after she is in bed with the lights out, which is the problem time. When she returns to my house, we revert back to constant demands/crying/screaming for a few nights until she gets back into the bedtime routine. I just wish I could have a consistent bedtime expectation instead of 3 bad nights, followed by a couple weeks of decent bedtimes, followed by 2 nights off, rinse and repeat.

    • Anon for This says

      My 2.5 year old just got his cast off from launching himself out of his crib. So at least that didn’t happen. Do you think it would help to baby gate her in her room. We’re doing that so kiddo knows he doesn’t just have free run of the house. He did get up and whine at the gate 6 times last night, so I don’t know how effective it is…

      • NewMomAnon says

        Bummer about the cast. Guess I’m going to hold firm on keeping the rail off! That was my big fear…

        And yep, I have a gate installed, in part because kiddo is fearless and I was afraid she would try to use the oven or run a bath for herself if she woke up alone at night. Sidenote: how did we not all die as toddlers?! I don’t even understand….

  10. Toddler orthopedics? says

    My son had serious orthopedic issues addressed as an infant and the issues are recurring now that he is 3. The treatment will likely require him to be in two full leg casts for 6-8 weeks. It might be put off until he is 4. Does anyone have any experience with handling a young kid in such a situation? The dr. mentioned a wheelchair, which I can hardly fathom for this little guy.

    • avocado says

      Adjustable footrest stroller so his feet can stick straight out in front of him?

    • Casts says

      No direct experience but a friend went through something similar with his child recently, to correct hip dysplasia, so dual leg body cast for a few months. It sounds like there’s a decent online support community and I’m sure the suggestions for other leg cast-bound kids are pretty similar. What’s your childcare situation like? If your son is in daycare/ preschool, I’d talk to the teachers about what might work best there. Friend’s kid has a nanny and it’s my understanding that she basically sat in a specially made desk and did seated activities or watched movies all day. She didnt fit in a car seat, so rarely went anywhere beyond the neighborhood other than dr appointment s. She was able to use a regular stroller, but they had to seek out a model with a wider seat. It all seemed pretty sad to me, and I know the parents were very stressed throughout, but the little girl (also 3) took it mostly in stride and is doing well now that the casts are off. We took my daughter to play with her once a week or so, and the parents said it was really good for their daughter to have a break in the monotony and some social interaction. Maybe line up some standing playdates? Good luck to you and your son. It’s a tough situation.

      • anon says

        not trying to be too judgey but a nanny that allows her kid that watches movies all day would be fired in our parts.

    • Meg says

      You prob won’t see this given how late I am… but in case, my 4 year old son broke his leg this past spring and was in a wheelchair for a month, he was amazing. Learned to steer, turn, go fast. Even would play in gym class with his buddies. It will be fine (maybe even fun for him, my son adored the attention)

  11. Famouscait says

    Ladies, I need some assistance. I posted last week about how we were just coming out the other side of some really tough weeks (FIL emergency surgery, etc.) In the midst of all this, I have been somewhat neglectful of my son’s sudden and intense interest in the potty. He will be 2 in two weeks. He sees kids in his daycare room use the potty. We just got the little seats that go over the real toilet, and have one little floor potty. A couple of questions:
    Should he be able to get himself up/down from the potty? Like should we have a step stool?
    He now hates his diaper. Does that mean its time for underwear? Or pull-ups?
    Is there a book, article, website, other that has some good logistical how-to’s for this?

    My husband is traveling for work every week until mid-November, so I feel like I’m in this on my own and frankly, overwhelmed. If he weren’t so mad about diapers, I would just as soon put this off for another month, but I don’t think that will work given how gung-ho he is. Any advice or resources would be much appreciated!!!

    • mascot says

      Yeah, my kid got really interested at that age (thanks, daycare). But didn’t train until months later so it was a bit of a false alarm. Get a step stool. He’ll need it to wash his hands for the next couple of years anyways unless you have super low sinks. Get something that is sturdy. Those adorable carved wooded ones with 3 legs are not sturdy and tip easily.

    • hoola hoopa says

      One of my kids was very self-lead and did PT by her second birthday. It was magical. So fingers crossed for you!

      I always start with the floor potty. It’s just so much easier for the kiddo, both to get on and off – but also to actually push. And it’s safer for the adventurous child and less scary for the timid child. I do have the insert around, since the kiddos usually like to at least try the big toilet like everyone else.

      I leave the floor potty in the main room at first. It’s much more convenient. And for a self-lead child, it’s reachable and a visual reminder.

      We do a weekend at home without diapers, sitting on the potty (with a book or tv show, if motivation required) about every 30 minutes. Expect a lot of clean ups; do it without punishment. If additional motivation is required, MM or jelly beans are a reward for actually going potty.

      I’ve only PT’d girls, FYI.

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