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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- The concept of “backup care” is so stupid…
- I need tips on managing employees in BigLaw who have to leave for daycare pickup…
- I’m thinking of leaning out to spend more time with my family – how can I find the perfect job for that?
- I’m now a SAHM and my husband needs to step up…
- How can I change my thinking to better recognize some of my husband’s contributions as important, like organizing the shed?
- What are your tips to having a good weekend with kids, especially with little kids? Do you have a set routine or plan?
Lyssa says
It looks like we might do a 8-10 hour car trip with both kids to visit family for the holiday weekend. Crazy? Any tips for managing this with a 3.5 year old and a 12 month old?
mascot says
How are your kids at sleeping in the car? Can you do a chunk of the driving at night? Movies on a dvd player/kindle/ipad and a set of headphones will help keep the older child amused. We also did a bunch of cheap toys and trinkets wrapped up in paper lunch bags that we would hand over about every hour and that would buy some quiet. We also try to plan out our stops to have meals in park or other areas where there is space for a kid to run around. Bonus points for a playground. If the weather is bad, then a mall might have one of those soft play areas. A break to get out of the carseat and stretch helps, but it will add time to the trip.
Lyssa says
They sleep pretty well in the car. Do you think it might make sense to leave absurdly early, in hopes that they’ll fall back asleep?
mascot says
I’d do the inverse, leave later in the day and put them in their pjs after dinner. Then drive late into the night. At least then it is dark for part of the ride and they are used to sleeping at that time.
Meg Murry says
We used to do that, but the problem was that it made us zombies the next day, while the kids were up and ready to run around bright and early. So I’d only recommend this if you are going to visit family that is willing to let you and H be a little bit lazy the first morning while they play with/care for the kids.
We have friends that will pack the car the night before and/or work from home or take a half day, and then do dinner and pjs and drive for several hours until they get to a hotel/motel partway there, then spend the night. Then they get up the next morning and only have a couple more hours driving to go.
Overall, I think a huge part of whether this trip is crazy is how much time you’ll have once you get there, how much you’ll be expected to do, and how stressed out trips to this family are. If you’re going to a place that is relatively childproofed with people who are helpful with your kids, and only have low-key activities like backyard BBQs planned, it will probably be ok, although exhausting. But if the long drive is only part of the stress, and then you’ll be dealing with family that doesn’t get that kids need to be fed early and often, won’t sit still for long meals at restaurants, can’t just randomly skip naps and then not melt down when out late, have to sleep in less than good situations like uncomfortable air mattress in the living room, or are just dealing with people who aren’t on the same page as you when it comes to parenting, or are otherwise stressful – then yes, skip the trip.
Oh, and random tip to avoid screaming kids – think about what direction you are headed, and if you have adequate sun shades in the car. My son wouldn’t stop screaming on one trip, and I felt terrible when I realized his rear facing car seat had him directly in the sun, and the air conditioning vent really didn’t reach him. He almost never rode in that car in the middle of the day for more than a few minutes, so we hadn’t realized what an issue it was until he was a hot, sweaty, miserable mess.
Spirograph says
Yes to Meg’s last point about the sun. And as an additional consideration — kids in a rear-facing car seat get the headlights of the car behind you square in the face, too, especially if it’s a truck or any vehicle that sits higher than yours. Of course I figured this out while driving alone at night on a stretch of highway without any rest stops. Days are so long right now that it might not be a huge issue, but still… there was a lot of screaming.
pockets says
+1 to Spirograph’s comment. We realized this driving to Boston from NYC. We left at 7pm and it was miserable.
Momata says
Totally crazy. I’ve decided that family can come to us until both kids are old enough to entertain themselves in the car for 8 hours (around 5).
Spirograph says
It depends on how you do it. If you try to drive straight there as quickly as possible to maximize time at your destination, it’s crazy. If you don’t mind stretching your trip out (a lot) to include several leisurely rest breaks – preferably with a park or playground involved, it’s not terrible.
I haven’t tried anything longer than 7 hours of driving time yet. Total trip ended up closer to 12 hours, with a long stop on either side of the afternoon nap, but the kids were pretty good. Snacks, books, small toys and tablet games are extremely helpful. We usually get up and have a normal morning, let the kids run around outside while we pack the car, and then get on the road whenever we’re ready. Exact schedules and small children don’t mix well, in my family. :) One of my friends has had decent success with leaving around 4-5am to get several hours of driving in before the kids are awake, but if I try that, my kids are just awake and cranky… there’s no way to get them from bed to carseat without totally disrupting their sleep.
Anon in NYC says
Yes, I think you need to take breaks to let the kids run around or eat. Expect that it will take about 1.5x as long.
MDMom says
For a 3 day weekend? Yes, crazy. Can you drive at night so they sleep? Maybe you guys can can switch off driving so you can sleep? Honestly, though, if it were me I would not do this. I only have one kid (13 months) and I would not do this. But I am not an ambitious traveler…I would never have even considered this!
Lyssa says
Oh, no, we’ll be adding some days! More like a 5 day weekend.
PhilanthropyGirl says
We did a 10 hour trip with a 15 month old at Christmas – and honestly, broke it into 2 days of 4 and 6. The 4 hour stretch fell at bedtime, so even though he didn’t sleep, we didn’t need to stop for food or play time. The 6 hour stretch took us probably 9 hours, by the time we stopped for play and food. I think we’re hoping to swing 8 hours with our almost 2 YO in a few weeks. He doesn’t sleep well in the car at all – and I would imagine it will probably take us 12 hours to make the trip.
I think it’s harder to keep them entertained when they’re rear-facing, because of the angle of the seat -things like magnadoodles and coloring are totally out – but could work really well for your 3.5 YO. We have a really nice activity tray to attach to our carseat, but also unusable until forward facing. It would accommodate coloring or drawing, sticker books, or even play-doh (if you’re brave and don’t mind it in your car).
At Christmas, I put a basket of board books, animal figures, cars and other favorite toys next to the car seat – so they could be pulled out (and then thrown) at baby’s whim. I had an additional basket I kept in the front with me, mostly filled with new things he hadn’t discovered before – so when his basket was empty I could hand him things. I stuffed a tissue box with random things to be pulled out. I stuck pipe cleaners in a colander. I made sensory bottles out of the little medela bottles (the newborn 80mL ones were perfect for littlehands) – with water or oil and beads or sequins.
So. Many. Snacks. I think the last 45 minutes of our trip, when LO was totally done, I handed him one raisin at a time over the seat – it kept him engaged and kept our sanity. He loved grabbing the raisins from my hand one at a time. We also had some special snacks, like puffs, that I don’t normally buy. I should have had a back-up sippy in the front with me, because he would throw his and then not have drink.
So. Much. Music. Do not play audio books. To not listen to talk radio. Do not play soothing lullaby music that might induce me to sleep. We listened to Raffi for at least 6 of the hours we were on the road. Raffi is awesome, but next time I plan on streaming Pandora or Spotify rather than just relying on audio CDs.
Plan to stop every two-three hours for diaper change, restocking the toy basket and letting the kids run – rest stop, park, McDonald’s play land, whatever you can find. We also planned on dining in for our meals, which I hate doing because I always want to just get there – but it gave some time to decompress and get out of the car.
Good luck!
hoola hoopa says
We do this frequently.
Drive 3 hours, get out of car for 1 hour.
Plan your stops where you can get activity, food, and bathrooms in one place (parks with picnic or drive-through, malls, etc).
Driving overnight was a disaster of epic proportions for us, although I know it works well for others. Kiddos didn’t sleep well; we obviously didn’t sleep well; and driving at night is really boring for kids because they can’t look out the window.
What we do is leave very early (~5 am), so that the kiddos sleep through the first leg. We stop for breakfast, do another three hours, stop for lunch, do another three hours, and we’re to our destination for dinner, which gives us social and set up time before bedtime.
Get a portable DVD player with earphones. Our kids now can do it without screens, but it really helps for the first few trips – particularly if you’re travelling after dark. It also helps keep older kid quiet while younger naps.
Heads u: 12 months is the absolute worst age for car trips. Do it, but know that it will be better next time :)
KJ says
I have another My Kid Doesn’t Like Her Daycare question. Here’s the relevant information: She is 26 months and transitioned a week and a half ago from the toddler room to the 2/3 room at her daycare. For 2 weeks before the transition she was spending part of the day in the 2/3 room. She really liked her teachers in the toddler room. Her whole class moved up to the 2/3 room, but the class size is twice as big. The head teacher is new to teaching this age group and seems somewhat disorganized – she wasn’t able to explain any class room procedures to us prior to the transition, saying that she was still working it out; some of the kids still don’t have bags to store their blankets and sheets; she took two days of vacation in the kids’ first full week after transition – little things all, but they don’t inspire a ton of confidence. My daughter cried “all day” according to an assistant the first two days. Now she cries and screams at drop-off and clings to the parent dropping her off. At pick-up she is much clingier than usual too. It’s been 8 days. This morning my husband reported that she had a tantrum in the morning and cried that she didn’t want to go the 2s Room she wanted to go to her old teacher. We’ve seen a big increase in tantrums and all around difficult-ness over the last month or so, but I have attributed that to just being a 2 year old. Now I’m wondering if it’s related to the new classroom. She was always very happy to go to daycare before this, and now she seems miserable. I haven’t gotten much feedback about how she is during the day.
Obviously this is really breaking my heart to think of my baby being unhappy. What are my next steps here? Let it ride out a little longer? Conference with the teacher? Consider other daycare options? Nanny? Quit job and run immediately to rescue baby from daycare and cling to her for the next 16 years crooning, “I’ll never let you go?” (Not really, but, you know, the impulse exists.)
NewMomAnon says
Partly, I think it’s a stage – my daughter, who loves her daycare and didn’t have any teacher transitions, just pulled out of a period of bad drop offs and several “bad days” that involved crying and hitting. She is about 30 months old, and the rough period lasted about 2 months.
Part of it may also be your anxiety. Can you come pick her up half an hour early for a few days and just sit on the floor in her classroom for that half hour? It really helped when my daughter transitioned to toddlers from infants. I think part of it was that I got to meet her teachers which calmed me about the transition.
EB0220 says
I’d give it some time. My 23 month old has been in her young toddler classroom for almost a year at this point, and there are still days when she cries at dropoff and/or asks for one of her infant room teachers. I think they just go through waves of separation anxiety, which can be exacerbated by a new situation.
pumping on a plane says
Thanks to everyone for the advice and pep talk about pumping on a plane. It wasn’t awesome (had to do it twice) but totally worked out. The best advice was not to ask for permission but to thank them in advance and let the flight attendants know what would be happening. I will say I’m not sure I would have been able/comfortable doing it in my seat, but the bathroom was fine!
AEK says
Good for you! I really admire you and the other bad*ss women who just do what they have to do get it done, even under very challenging circumstances. I wish it were easier. All my pumping was in my secluded office with good co-worker support, and it was not picnic. You get all the gold stars!
Weekend with the DINKS says
DH and I are taking a long weekend trip with a bunch of friends for the upcoming holiday weekend. We are the first in our group to have a kid, and I am nervous about travelling with baby and friends. They are not big drinkers or anything, and all past trips have been very low-key, but I am just feeling anxious about “holding back” the group, or keeping people up with a crying baby, etc. I am not worried about baby because I know he will have a blast and always loves hanging out with people (though he is going through a major sleep regression or something at the moment, which should be fun). Does anyone have any advice for travelling with a kid and childless friends? Sympathy? Just telling me not to worry about it?
CHJ says
I would set the expectation with everyone that it’s OK to break up into smaller groups and not everything has to happen together as one big group. That way, you can take whatever breaks you need with the baby and not feel like you’re holding everyone back. Otherwise, I would focus on laid back activities and not overscheduling.
Although funny anecdote – I stopped by my DINK friends’ apartment at 9:30 a.m. last Sunday, and they were still in their PJs making coffee. They looked at my 3 year old, somewhat surprised, and said “he’s already up for the day?”
NewMomAnon says
Some childless friends will surprise you and be very helpful. And it is not always the ones who plan to have kids themselves. I would be up front about your needs – if baby is on a napping/feeding schedule, let everyone know and work out with your husband who will stay back/be responsible for meeting those needs (who has to pack which meals, who will handle morning nap and afternoon nap and early bedtime). And don’t hesitate to ask a friend to watch baby while you shower, or take them up if they offer to watch baby.
My biggest issue with friends watching my kiddo is that I’m a pretty laid back parent with regard to minor falls, owies, pinched fingers, bumped heads, etc – I figure if it won’t kill or maim my kiddo, she’ll learn from it and then I won’t have to worry anymore. But some friends get really worked up about “preventative maintenance,” and it can be a bit stressful. And some friends are just clueless but receptive if you tell them what you need.
hoola hoopa says
+1 that’s really surprising who is very helpful!
Anon in NYC says
Don’t worry about it. They probably understand that your day-to-day has changed, but they might not realize how much/little flexibility you have in a day. So just do your best to normalize it. “Hey, that great that you guys want to do X. Kiddo is going to need a nap at around 10am for about an hour, but then should be good to go for a few hours. He’ll need to nap again at 3pm, so maybe we should take two cars so I can get back to the house.” Or there may be activities where you or your husband opt out and stays back with him.
FWIW, whenever we travel, our general rule of thumb is that we don’t enforce sleep training/do CIO. I figure that it’s just easier for us and everyone around us. Whatever gets your LO to sleep, and then pick back up with your normal routine at home.
hoola hoopa says
If you’re sharing a vacation home, my biggest advice is play the baby card for the best room. Don’t feel guilty about getting the bigger space for the pnp, taking the master that’s a bit separated from the living space, the room with the black out blinds, etc. Everyone will have a better time if kiddo can nap/sleep.
In general, with infants, we’d try to do one on-the-go nap and one non-negotiable home nap. So you can participate in one outing, but then send everyone else out for another activity and take turns with partner staying in with a friend for a glass of wine on the balcony.
Otherwise, don’t worry about it. You come with a kid now, and that’s that. It’s literally life. (If it helps, remember that at some point in the future they’ll have babies and you’ll have the awesome easy-travelling 5 year old, lol.)
ChiLaw says
Don’t worry about it! I think a good plan would be to (privately) agree with your partner on who is handling baby things when. Like if baby is refusing to sleep in the PnP while everyone is having wine in the hot tub, you don’t want to have a tense discussion with your partner about whose turn it is to go in and cuddle baby — in my experience it won’t be the fussing baby that might make the friends feel awkward, but the disagreeing parents. Sometimes doing stuff with your friends and your baby means you’ll have to stay behind or cut things short; again knowing before-hand who might be bowing out of [whatever activity] to facilitate napping/sleeping/snacks will make things run smoother.
Sleep is always a particular concern for me. When we’ve travelled with baby, we’ve also abandoned all “good sleeping habits” and we just snuggle her in bed with us as necessary.
Closet Redux says
Anyone know of a brick and mortar store to buy a “big sister” tee (size 2T)? I’ve searched all my usual suspects: Target, Walmart, Old Navy, Carters, Gymboree, and am coming up short.
Anon in NYC says
What about someplace like Buy Buy Baby or Babies R Us/Toys R Us? Like this one: http://tinyurl.com/z6erulv.
You can see if they have it near you.
Maddie Ross says
Target has some right now. They are located at the end of the newborn clothes divider in my Target, on the bottom. Carter’s Brand. I literally bought it there last week. Teal green in color.
Closet Redux says
Thanks for the tip!
Anon says
I have a daycare anxiety question.
My kid is almost 10 months old and has been home with grandparents so far (south asian, so family support is a huge thing). He finally starts daycare tomorrow. Its a small home daycare
By some wonderful quirk of fate, I’m working from home the next couple of weeks, so am able to start him off about 15 hours a week. I know this is all good but am so scared about the transition.
Any suggestions/thoughts?
Anon in NYC says
Your LO will be fine! And the slow transition will be great. That’s what we did with my LO. My husband took paternity leave when I returned to work and he did managed the transition – 2 hours one day, 4 hours the next, etc. Expect tears and clinginess, but knowing that you can go get him after just a few hours will help!
Anon says
Thank you!
MDMom says
One suggestion is to not talk to your south Asian family about it too much until you are settled in and comfortable with the situation. Their apprehension will only feed your own. I’m assuming they share some cultural similarities with my husband’s south Asian family who seem to equate daycare with an orphanage (“does he stay in the crib all day?”)
Since you seem to have some flexibility, I would suggest making some unannounced visits to the daycare.
Starting daycare is hard but it does get easier pretty quickly, at least it did for me. Good luck!
Anon says
Thank you!
Anon says
And you hit the bull’s eye with South-asian thoughts on daycare :)
Samantha says
My biggest takeaway was that my kid wasn’t afraid of the daycare (cool new place with all the toys!), but was worried about me leaving. So the best thing I could do was to transition my exit slowly, and to let him see that I was coming back.
There will be tears. For days. So steel yourself for that. But talk, talk, talk to your kid. Remind him that you will be back, and when you get back remind him that you said you would, and that it wasn’t so bad. The next day, remind him about that cool toy that he liked playing with. And so on.
It will be hard, but give it two weeks.
Anon says
Thank you!! He seemed to be okay to hang out there.. me.. not so much. But it’ll get better
EB0220 says
Do you do any “teaching” with your kids outside of daycare? I feel that my 4 year old needs someone to work with her 1 on 1 on a specific topic (letter sounds). I am happy to do this, but a) I don’t have that much time at home with her during the week and b) I hate to make her do more “school-like” stuff since she already spends the majority of her day at daycare. Thoughts?
Anonymous says
Do you mean she needs help recognizing letter sounds and associating them with written letters, or that she has difficulty pronouncing the sounds correctly? The first, I’d figure she’ll learn it in school and not make it my priority until kindergarten or 1st grade. The second is potentially a speech impediment, and I would get that evaluated and addressed quickly because it could be a social hurdle later.
I don’t do any formal teaching outside of daycare. I talk to my kids constantly, we read lots of books, we observe the world around us, I answer how/why questions truthfully (which is sometimes ridiculous, but I’d rather my 3 year old look at me funny after I explain that water refracts light than just say rainbows are magic) and count things or name colors or whatever, but only insofar as it comes up organically; I don’t make it a task.
EB0220 says
Mostly the former (associating the letter sound with the written letter). Right now, I have the same approach you do – read, talk, observe but don’t do anything formal.
Anonymous says
You can work on this by reading alphabet books interactively. Hooked on Phonics is also great and low-effort (see below).
Anonymous says
I went through Hooked on Phonics with my kid when she was 3, and at age 4 I had her doing some writing and math workbooks for a few minutes in the evening. Her preschool was play-based and they didn’t do any worksheets or “academic” work, so I didn’t feel that it was overburdening her. It’s so difficult to carve out the time, but that one-on-one interaction makes learning to read so much easier.
Anonymous says
4 is really too early to expect kids to know letters, even though that’s what mainstream education is trying to do. But developmentally most kids are not ready and there is no advantage to forcing them to learn at this stage. That’s what kinder is for and if by the end of kinder they haven’t figured it out, then maybe consider extra work outside of school. A focus on early reading (and by early I mean before 1st grade, which is when it has been historically taught and still is in many of the countries we think of as very educationally-minded) has no long-term effects on academic success and may be very detrimental for some kids’ development.
My about-to-be 5-year-old is headed into kinder in August and still can’t name all the letters when he sees them. I’m worried not at all.
Big brother was the same way. Guess what? Big bro is now 7 and reading huge chapter books on his own. No pressure from us, no pressure from teacher, just age-appropriate teaching at school and lots of interaction at home (reading together, reading to him – still, talking constantly, explaining concepts, etc…, but not formal teaching).
EB0220 says
Thanks, this makes me feel much better! I am really pretty laid back with my kids, but this comment from her teacher made me wonder if I have been too relaxed.
Meg Murry says
Yup, for more anecdata, my son is 4.5 and is in a preschool classroom in daycare right now (he’ll be in pre-K next year, and K after that) and he recognizes the letters in his name, and what letters his classmates names start with, and can parrot back some answers to “M is for ….” [mommy, Madeleine monkey, mouse] – but that is because he has memorized it from alphabet books, not because he “gets” that M makes the “mmmmm” sound. And even if he did learn “M makes the mmmm sound” – I’m pretty sure that would also just be memorization, and it would take a while to make the jump to understand what that really means and that therefore money, mustache, milk, etc also start with M.
Even if she is going to K next year, she’s still not “behind” for not knowing letter sounds/recognizing letters yet – and you don’t need to force it on her. Did the teacher mention it as a concern, or was it part of a formal conference? They might use the same form for the youngest kids all the way up through K, when you would expect the majority of kids to start to recognize sounds.
I’d also ask the teacher if there was anything more behind her comment though – is there a concern that maybe not recognizing sounds is because of her hearing? Or not recognizing letters – is she seeing ok? But I wouldn’t concern yourself that she needs extra tutoring in preschool for a kindergarten+ skill.
Also, kids learn in different order – my oldest was super into math, and numbers early. He liked to line things up and count them, or categorize things like shapes, but didn’t really care about letters, reading or writing. My youngest got into letters earlier, and spent a lot of time at the writing center learning to write the letters of his name, and to color neatly and is working on writing his classmates names – but he’s eh on numbers, and doesn’t really care about the letter sounds yet.
Anonymous says
I think it is totally fine not to do anything outside of school — that seems to be the norm with our friends. That said, my 4 y.o. really likes doing school stuff in his free time (seriously, his favorite activity is a board game about math), so here are examples of things we do:
1) Math: As mentioned above, my kid likes a math board game (Sum Swamp). We got larger dice after the dice it came with got too easy. He makes us play at least 3x per night. His school will teach Singapore math, so we got some workbooks to help him get familiar with that teaching style. He really likes them, but he generally likes all types of workbooks — hidden pictures, mazes, etc.
2) Reading: We started on Bob Books about a year ago. Part of the bed time routine is that he reads me a book before I read one to him. When I am cooking dinner and he is insisting on hanging out in the kitchen rather than playing by himself, I will entertain him by saying words and telling him to spell them with letter magnets on the fridge, or spelling a word and telling him to come up with rhyming words.
3) Piano: He takes lessons during aftercare. I make him practice one page per night.
Again, just the approach that works for us — you should do you.
Anonymous says
I should mention that his preschool is somewhere between play-based and Montessori, so he isn’t really doing school work all day. Of the 10.5 hours he is there, he has 2 hours on the playground, an hour and a half of rest time/lunch, 3 hours of indoor free play, an hour of gym or music, half an hour of morning group and story time, and 2.5 hours of Montessori work, which he chooses himself, so it isn’t necessarily anything academic.
In House Lobbyist says
I got the Leapfrog Letter Factory DVD for my 5 year old earlier this year. My almost 3 year loves it and it has really taught her letter sounds. You might want to try it. There is also a magnet set that says the letter sounds when you put it in the holder. Honestly, my older son didn’t really pick up the letter and sounds until just now and he just turned 6 and will be starting school this fall.
Spirograph says
I think every family has to decide this for themselves. My kids are way too young for me to worry about academics yet, but I don’t intend to ever do any “teaching” at home. I feel strongly that my role as a parent is to foster curiosity and a rich learning/exploring environment at home, not provide formal instruction. Of course I’ll help my kids if they’re struggling with a tough problem on their homework or want to do math flashcards because there’s some kind of speed game in their class they aren’t winning (true nerd story from my childhood), but absent a teacher saying “please work with kiddo on X, he’s really falling behind the class,” teaching is outside of my scope of work. Dr. Seuss’s ABCs is one of my kids’ favorite books, we play with foam bath letters (what letter is this? what starts with C?), and my son has recently started identifying the letters in his name if he sees them on signs, so I engage there… but that’s the extent of it.
My siblings and I were all very early reader/writers, and I asked my mom a while back whether she “taught” us to read. She said, “Nope, I just read books with you every night and let you watch a lot of Sesame Street while I cooked dinner.” Parenting wins.
EB0220 says
Hah! Pretty sure this was my mom’s approach, too.
EB0220 says
Thanks to you all for giving me some perspective. Husband and I generally don’t believe in pushing much of anything academically with preschoolers, so we intentionally picked a more play-based daycare. This feedback from her teacher just threw me for a loop, and I wondered if I should be doing more. I’ll stay with the low-key approach for now.