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I’m linking to this mirror not because I expect many people to buy it (if you do, or have it already, please report back), but because I am kind of in awe of the fact that it exists. First of all, it’s $400. Second of all, it looks freakin’ cool! It connects to your phone and can recreate the lighting conditions in the places you frequent based on photos you take of yourself in those places. What! And also, why! If I were famous and paparazzi were stalking me and I needed to look good for US Weekly, I’d consider this a worthy investment. Since none of those things are true, I guess I’ll have to win the lottery in order to own one of these myself. The mirror is $400 at simplehuman.com. Sensor Mirror Pro On the cheaper side, Kat likes this mirror, which is available at Amazon for $23.99 and is eligible for Prime — she says it’s good for tweezing and the like. This post contains affiliate links and CorporetteMoms may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!Sales of note for 4.18.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 50% off full-price dresses, jackets & shoes; $30 off pants & skirts; extra 50% off sale styles
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Kid/Family Sales
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
fallen says
Our nanny starts this morning. I am off for a week to help transition – any advice on how to make it great? I put in a lot of work to find someone who seems amazing and I want to start everything out in the best way possible. It’s our first nanny.
Anonymous says
Get out of the house as much as possible. Plan to be out most of the day. If you want nanny to take baby places, go to those places with her.
anon says
try not to sweat the small stuff. We have a nanny who we love, but there have definitely been moments where i felt like she wasn’t perfect. For example, once through our Nest camera i saw her on the phone while the kids were awake, and i was annoyed, but reminded myself that sometimes i take personal calls at work, and i definitely take calls in front of my kids. Obviously if your nanny does things that make you feel like your child isn’t safe or being well cared for that’s one thing, but generally remember no one is perfect
Double Stroller says
Give me your double stroller recs please (or steer me away from something you hate)! Here’s our circumstances — I have an almost 2.5 year old and six-week old. I was going to attempt to avoid the double stroller situation all together by baby wearing and pushing the toddler but that’s not working out in practice. We live in a city where we drive to just about all our locations, so stroller will be primarily used on walks around the neighborhood on asphalt or paved sidewalks, around city center, malls, resorts/theme parks (lots of conferences). We are tall. Husband doesn’t love the idea of a side-by-side when we tested because they are so wide. I have an SUV so ample trunk room for a bulky fold. I don’t enjoy spending money on this stuff but there’s room in the budget for the higher end strollers if it’s worth it. TIA!
anon says
Could your current single stroller accommodate a ride-a-long board for the toddler?
Anonymous says
I found a good side by side to be easier to manover than a tandem. We had the StrollAir Duo which I loved. I particularly liked that I could rearface baby while at the same time forward face toddler so toddler could look around. Takes an infant car seat or you can use the stroller seat in the lie flat position. Occasionally toddler also prefered to rear face so she could chat with me while we were talking. It fits through all standard doors (same width as a wheelchair). Sun shades are also a good size.
GCA says
Some strollers like the Joovy Caboose Ultralight have a sit-and-stand option – front seat is a regular seat that can take an infant car seat, the back has a bench seat and a stroller board so toddler can sit or stand. (I can’t speak to how well the ones out there work for tall people though – but those sorts of strollers sound like something you might consider.)
Ducky36 says
We have this and I love it. We used it until my older son was almost 8 years old.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Here’s what we did, which really only works when you have two parents/caregivers everywhere: Until the baby was about 7 months, we used two strollers or had the toddler stand on the piggy back of our Cruz. Toddler was in an umbrella stroller and baby was in the bigger main stroller. We have since bought the City Mini Double Jogger and so far it’s been great! I know you said side by sides felt wide, but it’s been fine for us for getting through all doorways and elevators. It feels so light to push, even lighter than the Cruz with one baby, which is kind of crazy. The storage underneath is not great, but we haven’t found it to be too much of a hassle yet. I think the only consideration is that really young babies may not be ready to ride in it. The seats do recline, but I’m not sure if there’s an infant insert or something.
If you want something that will work immediately, the Vista is one I see a lot in the city for 2 kids close in age. Our older one was already at the height limit for the rumble seat when we were looking so it didn’t seem worth it to us, but can be an option if your older one fits.
Lawyermom says
There is an infant insert for the Cruz and vista if you don’t want to do the bassinet. It is $40 and they sell it at Nordstrom and at bed bath and beyond (online only). It can be used with a newborn.
anon says
Same age difference and I love my City Select. Good handling and ability to switch seat configurations is awesome. However, you might want to check ease of folding for your situation. Mine is a pain to fold, but it’s a hand-me-down that has been stored outside.
Ifiknew says
I have the bugaboo donkey that I bought used on ebay for a 2 year old and 2 week old and we love it. We used it in mono mode before baby was born and it’s a double but fits thru standard doorways. It’s an investment but we sold our last bugaboo for a $100 less than what we bought it for after using it for 2 years so these have excellent resale value as well. My w year old absolutely needs to be contained and could not be trusted on a ride along board, we’d never get anywhere. The donkey also collapses well into our crossover suv, and is the only stroller we have for walks in neighborhood and if we need to take it somewhere in the car, like zoo.
Anonymous says
We got the britax double side by side. We also have the joint caboose ultralight (with the seat in back). We have both because when my second was born my then 2.9 year old loved the ride board and we only used the jumpseat at Disney.
We got the Britax bc middle was 23 months when 3rd was born. She wasn’t into the rider board, couldn’t be trusted to walk, and refused to sit in the “back seat.”
We got it for about $170 on amazon warehouse and it worked great. Middle is now 3.5 and will use either stroller but I found the Britax easier to fold. My oldest (6) walks but the one time she needed to ride (long day at Disney, blister on foot) she crammed herself in and made it work.
I would not advise spending big bucks on the stroller unless you are a city dweller that will put hundreds of miles on it.
Anonymous says
StrollAir Duo
Chi Squared says
We had a Joovy Caboose Ultralight, but got rid of it after a few months. It was really, painfully hard to steer on anything but for the smoothest sidewalks. We then got a Thule Urban Glide double, and were happy with it BUT FOR there is no way to remove the fabric for cleaning, and the rubber closing strap tore on the first use. The former is a major drawback, the latter is super-annoying b/c it should have been utterly predictable to the manufacturer. It’s been sitting in our garage unused for a year (kids are 5 and 3) b/c we need to clean it before putting it up for sale.
Anothertwinmom says
We have the City Select and the City Mini GT. Pros for the City Select are that it has so many configurations (including the one we like the best – with the kids facing each other), it isn’t a side by side (so not too wide) and isn’t as long as most tandems, and you can use it as a single when your older kid outgrows stroller use. But we love our City Mini GT. It isn’t as wide as most side by sides so it can fit through standard exterior doorways. The side by side is also so, so much easier to push and steer because all of the weight is over the back wheel. Tandems are very hard to steer. The City Mini GT feels like nothing to push and steer, has suspension in the front wheel (not sure about the back), so the kids aren’t bouncing around on rough pavement like they are in the City Select, and, for your husband, has an adjustable height handle (the city select might too, I don’t recall). Its also easy to fold and unfold. The City Select requires some manipulating when folding and unfolding in the 2-seat configuration. We got both off Craigslist for less than the cost of either would have been new and both are in good to great condition.
Anonymous says
We also have a used City Mini GT and love it. All our friends with single strollers are always amazed by how narrow it actually is.
anne-on says
Annual summer vent. We have a ghostly pale child and both my husband and I have had moles removed that tested positive for melanoma (multiple times). We COAT my son in sunblock, reapply frequently, and despite frequent pleading to camp counselors AND dressing him in spf shirts/suits he often comes home pink and develops a light tan by the end of the summer. We review proper application with our au pair/sitters (a lot – they never ever get just HOW much sunblock we apply). My goodness, teenager counselors just cannot seem to understand that we DO NOT want him to get ‘just a little base tan’ or that ‘oh he’s looks so cute with a tan’. Argh.
Anonymous says
You know, I’d cut them some slack. I’m very pale and hard core about sunscreen/shade/hats. But when I was spending all day every day outside as a camp counselor even with constant vigilance I got a little pink occasionally and by the end of the summer had a very very faint ran. For us pals people, we are still at risk for skin cancer even trying really hard. You just gotta do your best, which it sounds like everyone is, accept that it won’t be perfect, and preach the importance of regular skin checks at the doctor. Or sign your kid up for a summer indoors.
rakma says
Can you rubberband a measuring spoon to the sunscreen, and let them know the amount you’re using? “A lot” is a difficult thing to convey, but a spoonful on the face and another on the arms and a third on the legs is a clearer message.
I’ve also found that for reapplication, we need to use something that works with wet and sweaty kids. I like the Neutrogena Wet Kids spray for this reason. We start the day with a full layer of a physical sunscreen (before clothes if they’ll be out all day, to make sure we don’t miss the edges) and then reapply with that or the spray depending on wetness levels. The spray is not my favorite for a lot of other reasons, but I know that we can get a good, solid coverage fast. Maybe switiching up the kind of sunscreen that goes to camp will help?
Anon says
Wait, for my own education, is it a terrible thing to get even a faint tan by the end of the summer? I am a pale person and I am quite good about sun protection. I still do get a tan. Should I be worried about this?
ElisaR says
it’s probably fine but any sun exposure is “bad”. tan included.
Anon says
It’s not great, yeah. All sun exposure is bad.
Io says
It depends — how much do you like having vitamin d in your system, having strong bones, not having menstrual cramps, experiencing less depression–? Evidence suggests that “artificial” vitamin d doesn’t provide all the benefits of naturally occurring vitamin d.
Considering this child’s family history, they should be super vigilant. (I like the spoon attached to the sunscreen bottle myself.) No skin cancer in your family? You probably should be spending 20-40 minutes in the (non-midday) sun without sunscreen every day.
Ash. says
Yeah, I mean, at some point when you’re sending your kid to public camp programs, you can’t expect too much special treatment just for your kid. If you’re that fixated on him avoiding him getting any sun exposure, your best option may be honestly to send him to indoor-based camps. If you’re hiring a private sitter or nanny, it’s a bit more reasonable for you to expect them to follow your guidance regarding sunscreen application. But for a camp counselor that’s dealing with 10+ kids at a time, I can’t say I agree that this is something they should have to be responsible for.
Have you spoken to your pediatrician and dermatologist about this? What is their recommendation regarding the appropriate level of sun exposure?
avocado says
If your kid is outdoors for even a couple of hours each day, there is just no way to prevent him from getting a little bit of UV damage even if you’re personally slathering him in sunscreen every hour. As a pale person who religiously applies SPF 45, wears protective clothing + hat + sunglasses, and seeks the shade, I always manage to get a tan anyway. If you want to avoid sun exposure, try an indoor camp. In our experience, a lot of enrichment-type camps tend to take place primarily indoors. Look at museums, colleges, private schools, and YMCA specialty camps.
Anon says
I also feel like the risk:reward ratio of trying to compleeeeteeeely eliminate all UV damage is not favourable. UV damage is worth preventing against, but unless your child’s doctor has said that it’s absolutely intolerable for him to get even a slight tan at the end of the summer, I’d worry that I was really impacting his ability to enjoy himself and be outside like a kid.
Anonymous says
+1 there are huge psychological and physical advantages to a child getting enough outside time. Plus Vitamin D!!
Anon says
I was the “pale kid” with a mom obsessed with sunscreen and cover-up clothing. I absolutely HATED summer my whole childhood and young adult life, and dreaded having to go outside in the summer (because so much prep was involved) until 27 years old! Only now do I wear skirts and dresses and shorts and tank tops, enjoy going to the Caribbean on vacation, etc. I’ve accepted that some moderate sun damage is much better for me than impaired enjoyment. But it took me 27 years to uncondition my mom’s sun damage phobia out of me.
Anon says
Yeah I just spent a week on vacation in a sunny place and even though I diligently applied sunblock multiple times per day and avoided the sun completely from 10-4 (and didn’t spend much times outside period), I still have a tan/burn on my face. It’s just unavoidable for some of us.
anne-on says
Thanks all, I am making a yearly skin check appointment with our dermatologist for our kiddo, and given our family history our ped agrees that aggressive sunblock/clothing/hats is the way to go. I don’t expect the teenage counselors to be perfect but the attitude of ‘tans are good and health!’ blows my mind a bit. We also do indoor camps in August for this reason.
And for the poster worried about my instilling ‘phobia’ in my son, I wish my parents had put the fear of god into me. You know what’s worse than having to put sunblock on routinely? cancer. I take vitamin D supplements and as a family we enjoy the outdoors plenty but not during the height of the afternoon sun, and never ever without sunblock. My every 6-month skin check ups and the multiple mohs procedures our families have had are not worth it and not something I’d ever wish on anyone else, especially not my kid.
Anonymous says
They’re teenagers though. Of course they aren’t going to have perfect knowledge about the danger of anything – especially not sunscreen. Their brains aren’t even fully formed. I think you’re expecting too high of a level of care for the kind of camp you’re sending your child to and/or are willing to pay for. My father is extremely fair and wears sun protection and sunscreen religiously and is only out in summer mornings, but he still gets a slight tan!
Anonymous says
This. They aren’t even allowed to do the sunscreen application at most daycamps I send my kid to so kid does it themselves.
Blueberries says
My sympathies. I regret that I was allowed to get pink/tan as a kid, and that “getting some color” was considered good. I’d be tempted to respond to the “he’s so cute with a tan” with “no, the tan is actually really dangerous for him, he’s at high risk of developing skin cancer and that tan just added to his risk of developing cancer.”
Can you use whatever process the camp has in place for allergies/other medical needs to teach the staff about the danger of sun exposure for your kid as a particularly high risk person? It’s probably easier to educate the counselors that your kid is high risk than make them appreciate that tans are bad for everyone.
Is your kid old enough to apply their own sunscreen or at least remind the counselors to assist with sunscreen? A reminder from your kid might help.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Did anyone read the discussion in the weekend thread about the mom in Biglaw and conflicts between work and childcare? One of the takeaways that I got was that the culture of constant availability is very ingrained in Biglaw and other “Big” jobs and that it’s really hard for one person, even a person in a position of leadership, to change this. That got me thinking, as I may have an opportunity to step into a more senior position at my own corporation soon – how do I change the culture here so that it is less of an “old boys network” that encourages and values putting work first and more about achieving a balance? I feel like it’s only those who play the game well who succeed here, and once they get to the top, do they have an incentive to change? Have any of you used your positions of leadership to actually make changes in your organizations?
Anonanonanon says
I missed the thread, but in my experience, I think modeling the behavior yourself will make a difference. So, even though it’s hard when you’re in a leadership position and are super busy, not sending out emails during “off” hours for small requests, FYIs, etc. (I type them at odd hours to get them off my plate, but use a scheduling plugin to have them sent during regular hours). Same for texting in “off” hours when it can wait. Also, consider delaying your responses when your staff text or email non-urgent things in “off” hours, that sometimes speaks the loudest, because they realize you’re not just saying it, you’re actually putting it into practice yourself.
In terms of in-person availability, explore technology alternatives ahead of time for virtual collaboration. Instead of having everyone stay late at the last minute, if you know people have kids maybe suggesting “How about we all call it right now since it’s 5:30, get home and get some dinner and get our households settled and reconvene via (whatever collaboration platform you use) at 8?” This is very dependent on your team, of course. If a lot of them don’t have pet/child obligations and maybe had evening plans, this could backfire. I’ve had success with suggesting everyone come in early the next day, that gives people time to make arrangements for children/pets if necessary without disrupting their evenings.
Anon says
This is good advice. It doesn’t matter how much the higher-ups preach about work-life balance, if I’m getting emails from them at 2 am on Christmas Day, it stresses me out because this seems to be setting a standard I don’t want to keep up with. (I’m not in big law and I don’t get paid like I am–not what I signed up for.)
anon says
But, one thing to keep in mind is that you might be getting emails at 2am because I’m spending Christmas day with my kids. This is if you’re getting paid Biglaw, not generally.
Anon says
I was following that thread and was struggling a bit with some of the responses. On the one hand, yes big law requires you to be available at all times and presumably this associate chose to have a child when she did. Everyone kept saying she needed to hire more help, but we don’t know if she and her husband have significant loans from undergrad and grad school. While her husband is a doctor, maybe he is a resident earning a paltry salary. Maybe she has a sick parent she is helping out. Maybe she would’ve preferred to wait to have kids but she has a medical reason why doctors told her to conceive sooner rather than later. It would be one thing if she was a heart transplant surgeon where someone could literally die if she was the surgeon on call when her kid got sick and she had no back up care and there was no one else to perform the surgery but that isn’t the situation. I know that in billable environments you don’t really have PTO, but since technically you do, should she be able to use it to deal with her sick kid.
Anonymous says
And? All of those things might be true. But big law pays you a small fortune to be available basically all the time. If you can’t, then it isn’t the job for you.
Ash. says
100%, came here to say this. It’s simple market forces. All else equal, someone who is available 24/7 is more valuable than someone who is not. Period. Someone who will work 14 hours a day is more valuable than someone who will work 8 hours a day. Period. We can argue that such working conditions are inhumane and no one should “have to” do that, but as long as there exists someone who IS willing to do it, someone who is not cannot reasonably expect to command the same salary as the person who is. (Again, leaving aside all of the merits arguments about how that 8-hour worker has a much more prestigious degree and is more efficient and smarter, etc. I’m saying, all else being equal.)
Anon says
Agree completely.
anon says
I read it and agree with you about the culture being ingrained. I’m in midlaw and it feels similar. I’m a new partner and am struggling with an associate who is taking our flexibility to an extreme position. He works random hours (because he has a long commute or childcare reasons) but will generally be available, but I constantly find myself waiting on him because he’s not here (or he’s in the building but went to the gym at 10 because he got in at 7). I want to be understanding because I have young kids and want to be better than partners were to me, but I also feel like he’s taking advantage of our flexibility and it makes me want to work with him less.
I’m trying to change the culture by being frank about some of my obligations. I have a kid with complex medical needs so I spend a lot of time going to therapies or appointments. I don’t announce these to everyone but I am open that I’ll be out for this therapy or that. But also that’s part of why I’m in private practice is because I need that flexibility. At the same time, it doesn’t feel sustainable. Even though I’m logging on later, everything feels like an emergency in practice and it’s hard to keep up. And I get it, clients are paying a lot for service and part of that is responsiveness. So I’m trying to do my part but I also think there’s only so much firms can do.
Anonanonanon says
Honestly, anecdotally, men seem MUCH worse than women in terms of abusing flexibility, in my experience.
Redux says
This is my experience, too. Especially when it comes to childcare flexibility, men are championed as such good dads and women are marginalized onto the “mommy track,” even when they are working the same hours/ taking the same flexibility. There is just so much more freedom for men to enjoy the gains that women have fought for.
As for concrete suggestions, I really like Anonanon @ 10:00’s suggestion of instituting hard-stop times so people can leave on-time and be with their families even if it means they have to log back in later. It makes it so much easier to keep obligations, whether its dinner and bedtime or a class at the gym. I also really like shared Outlook calendars and scheduling your flextime. It’s fine to go to the gym in the middle of the day as long as I know when I can expect you back at your desk. It’s less fine if I just don’t know where you are or when I can expect to see you again. My team puts everything on the calendar and generally respects personal time so long as its not infringing on our ability to get work done. That’s a big IF though and it sounds like your guy’s flex schedule is infringing on your work.
Anonanonanon says
Yes! So many men in my field speak openly about commitments that frankly, exist because they don’t think their family should have to pay as much for childcare as the rest of us do. For example “I’ll have to dial in to that meeting, it’s an early release day at school so I need to be home when my kid gets off the bus” etc. That would still be 100% unacceptable for a woman to say.
anne-on says
I read that thread as well, and I think your question (a good one!) is different from the one presented over the weekend. The takeaway there was that associate was simply unprepared for key client meetings, didn’t meet deadlines, and unavailable when she needed to be (and did a bad job at communicating that she wasn’t going to be available). Those issues are the ones her counselor was trying to talk to her about – it seemed like there WAS a fair amount of flexibility re face time and ability to work from home, but that the work wasn’t done, wasn’t delegated, it was an ongoing (not once in a while problem) and she wasn’t communicating with her team. I think those are legitimate issues to ding someone on at work and to have a conversation about whether or not BigLaw is the right environment for you.
CPA Lady says
That thread made me so sad and angry and have flashbacks to all the times I felt like a failure for leaving work to take care of my sick child because of my husband’s inflexible schedule. (And I did not have the big-law level $$$$ to pay a nanny, though I was expected to be available 24/7 with a ton of face time– thanks, public accounting!)
That said, a big thing that I think would be helpful is seeing a woman in a place of power being open about her family. Two friends/former coworkers of mine, “Jill” and “Mary” made partner fairly recently. They are both in their mid/late 30s and have kids. Jill never speaks of her children at work, and if she leaves during the day to do something with her kids she acts like she’s going to a client meeting. I actually never knew she did stuff with her kids after working with her for years until Mary told me that she does it secretly. I specifically did not want to work with her because I thought she would look down on me for ever wanting to spend time with my kid. Mary is very open about her kids and her family. Not weirdly so, but just acts like they’re part of her life and brings them up in conversations when it’s relevant. She will say “I’m going to kid’s school performance, I’ll be back at 4:00” or whatever.
Jill gives you the impression that you need to keep quiet and uphold the old boy’s mentality that family is someone else’s problem. I typically follow the lead of whoever I work for. If I’m working for someone who never speaks of her children and never (openly) leaves to see her kid’s school performances, I would feel really awkward telling her I needed to leave because my kid was sick. I feel a lot more loyalty to someone like Mary that treats me like a human being, rather than a work robot who is supposed to ignore everything in my life at all costs just to keep typing more numbers into a computer.
Midwest GC says
I started a year ago as the only woman executive (GC) at a *very* male dominated manufacturing company. The culture is extremely focused on face time, and so I’ve broken them down to at least let people flex their hours to come in between 7 and 9 a.m. and leave between 4 and 6 p.m. Before, it was a strict 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. schedule with zero flexibility. Many of the working moms (parents, really) struggled to do day care drop off and get here by 8 a.m. The leadership is 100% male with stay at home spouses, and they just could not relate to the problem. I’m going to tackle the lunch hour next. They demand everyone take a 1 hour lunch. But a lot of people would prefer to work through lunch or take a 30 minute lunch, so they can leave earlier. After I get through with that fight, I plan on breaking them down for some WFH arrangements. It’s a long, hard slog but I feel so engaged because I feel like I’m fighting the good fight and forging a path for other women to rise up through the ranks.
I read the conversation about the Big Law associate. First, American work places are tough on parents, specifically mothers. So the OP of that post needs to recognize that her workplace does not accommodate mothers. It tolerates them. I know Big Law doesn’t do that, but I would love to see more employers who invest in their employees for the long haul. Was I an amazing employee when I had newborns? No. Was I an amazing employee when I had small children? Yes. And I realized a lot of value for my employer.
We look at mothers who are struggling to balance, and our answer is throw them away. To sneer at them for ruining for the rest of us. But if you look even just a year or two down the line, things can really change. I don’t know where that particular associate landed. Some of it may have been her fault, I just couldn’t draw a conclusion. She probably does need some coaching. It was hard to say.
IHeartBacon says
I am so happy to read about some of the concrete changes you’ve already made at your workplace. Great job! You are definitely fighting the good fight and it’s very much appreciated!
Amelia Bedelia says
But it isn’t striving to keep working mothers to pay them the same wage for less work – particularly if it is not reliable work.
it would help keep working parents if we had a real part-time / reduced time schedule that actually worked. Like paid 80% for 80% of the work and a very real commitment that you can ramp back up when the schedule permits and still make partner and/or meaningfully grow in your field. I think that can work, but you can’t try to “support” working parents by looking the other way as they work less for the same pay.
anne-on says
+1 and that seemed to be the issue the supervisor had with the associate – the work product.
Anon says
As a partner-track senior associate, the reason I am still here, and able to do my job well, is because my husband decided to quit and stay home. So I can stay late, deal with the unexpected Saturday afternoon client “emergency” etc. And it’s still hard because my husband is a person, not a robot, and my long weeks are just as long for him, and we both have parents with health issues that also lead to me not always having the face time you might expect. But I like my job, and toddler-hood is a season, our parents only have so many years left, etc.
I think the first response hit the nail on the head. Assuming you have the basics for your industry covered (the BigLaw paid leave was a good incentive to stay through my child-bearing years), model the behavior that is reasonable. Support institutional change if it comes your way, but more practically I think changing the culture one team at a time will bear more fruit. I try to do it, and I have always been aware of it even before I had kids and definitely prefer working to partners who are conscious of what they’re asking. Fundamentally this is a service business, so if the clients demand it we do it (because someone else will if we won’t). If an email can wait until Monday or the next morning, let it. Always put timing in your instructions (because juniors tend to assume everything is immediate even if you didn’t mean it that way). Don’t set terrible deadlines for fun. Manage your clients to the extent you can (the power of suggestion is strong – e.g., we were thinking of getting this draft to you on X, is that OK? vs. having the client suggest something because it’s the first thought that popped into their head that’s completely crazy). Plan out a timeline and manage your deals and cases so you don’t end up having to stay super late for projects that are long-term (obviously crises are different, but every project shouldn’t be a crisis). Don’t insist on face time for the sake of face time (one partner, despite a culture of very flexible comings and goings as long as you’re getting your work done (the problem the weekend poster had I think was she wasn’t getting her work done), is currently on a face time streak, TBD if this backfires). If your firm has a flexible work policy that management has instituted, don’t go around bad-mouthing the policy or using sarcasm to refer to it (this should be common sense). If someone has approved arrangements, be mindful of doing things like scanning comments (rather than leaving a hard copy on their chair), calling them, not scheduling meetings unless absolutely necessary on (planned) days they are out, etc. And, as long as someone is getting their work done and performing well, be flexible. I’m a case in point, and I thankfully had years to build up my credibility before we had kids, but flexibility is what has kept me here. I’m able to duck out for doctor’s appointments, work remotely one day a week (and ad hoc as needed to deal with non-childcare-related family crises), come in late to avoid traffic, leave at a decent hour and log back on later, etc., and that flexibility is huge for me when the job otherwise cuts into what I would consider “personal” time (see last Saturday where I was up at 5:30 am and billed 13 hours to get a draft out to a client). I think the key though is that enforcing that flexibility is tied to performance.
Blueberries says
It’s great that you’re thinking about this! Here are some ideas:
1) Think about how responsive your need people to be, especially evenings/weekends. Assuming after hours responsiveness isn’t generally necessary, set emails to send during business hours if you do work evenings/weekends and encourage others not to send emails after hours. You may find you get higher quality work if people are encouraged not to work all the time.
2) Take real vacations to show that vacations are valued.
3) Encourage people to take full parental leave. One senior man taking full parental leave and a fair share of parenting duties can make a huge difference as less senior men see that it’s possible and appropriate to be a full parent.
Io says
One of the biggest things that researchers point to is defining what experience people are looking for in hiring. People tend to hire people who look like what they imagine the job should be filled with and then justify that afterwards. So they’ll hire the white guy and then justify that it was the scholastic background, but then researchers will flip the resumes and the committees will hire the white guy and then justify that it is “real world experience” they are hiring for. Just hiring diversely means that people in the company have to behave better, work harder to justify thought processes and have more varied inputs.
I suspect work life balance will never come from these jobs, but if they do it’ll be after generations of better hiring practices that put money in the hands of more people who will donate that money to more varied politicians. Labor laws are really your only hope.
Anon for this says
Moms of 3-I need some reassurance. Just got a positive test for #3. Kids are currently 3.5 yo and 16 months. Until a couple of months ago, I was certain I wanted 3, but after some financial analysis and thinking about our family, we decided to sit with the idea of 2 and I was coming around to it. Life is getting easier and I’m in a work situation I’d like to change and was finally able to have enough bandwidth to kick off a search and had started interviewing. I’m in complete shock-not even sure I’m happy about the news. Extra shocked because of a history of infertility, which is what we were relying on for BC but apparently that was foolish. (History would tell you that this was an extremely unlikely event). Anyway, it’s very early days so who knows how it will turn out but could use some words of advice/reassurance.
Spirograph says
Mine are similar age gap, youngest is nearly 3, and life is hectic but good! I’m not going to sugar coat it– late pregnancy and the first year of #3’s life were exhausting. But now #3 super easy-going, happy little kid who completes our family, and things have swung back to equilibrium. I know this is a huge mental shift, but you are stronger than you know, and it will be OK. Don’t change your job plans. You’ll have to give some thought to how you approach this in an interview/job acceptance situation, but I want to reassure you that I started a new job 8 weeks pregnant and it worked out. It wasn’t ideal, but it was completely surmountable.
Anonymous says
My sister had a surprise #3 with kids very close in age. She works a high pressure job. She also was not happy at first (it’s ok to have mixed emotions about a pregnancy!). I’ll be honest that the first year was very very hard for their family, but since then it’s been great and they love having kids close in age and they’re glad they had their third. It’s still very chaotic 90% of the time, but it’s a “happy healthy kids” kind of chaos.
And something people are hesitant to say but I will – if you really decide this isn’t the best option for your family, you do have options (abortion). Many women who get abortions have other children, and many are also married.
Anon says
I’m currently pregnant with #3, and like you, it was a HUGE shock, and took a little bit to get past the OMG how is this going to fit into my life emotions. (Ok, to be honest, I still have those moments when I look at my Camry and try to decide if it’s going to work now.) I’m just getting to the end of the first trimester, and you know what, I’m getting excited. We can do this. It’s a new life! Take a breath and however long you need to adjust before you make any big decisions. You can do this.
Anonymous says
I have 3 with a similar age gap. 2.9 years between the first 2 and 23 months between the middle and youngest.
I’m at the point where there is light at the end of the tunnel: the baby is 18 months old. My 3.5 y/o and kindergartener are easy. Baby is happy go lucky and healthy. I sleep all night. I’m 6 months from being diaper free.
Artemis says
It’s going to be OK. Feel how you feel now, you don’t have to be excited, it is a challenge. I have 3 kids, wanted to have 3 kids, but the spacing between my second and third is actually longer because I essentially had to talk myself in to going through pregnancy and the newborn stage again with already having two high-energy, demanding kids. It was an exhausting pregnancy on many levels. At the time I was totally miserable in my job. I was already looking and started a new job when I was 4 months pregnant, which I would never have believed possible until I got the opportunity, and it all worked out. We didn’t really actively financially plan for it, we just wanted three kids, we make decent salaries, and we figured we’d make it work. We have–it was tight for a few years, or at least tighter than we’re used to, but we’re on the upswing again.
My 3rd is now 3 years old, and she was the someone still missing.
Best wishes to you, truly.
OP says
Thanks, everyone. These responses are so helpful to read. Artemis, I’m tearing up reading yours. And Anon at 11:09-I really hope I’m where you’re at in a few weeks once the shock wears off. Definitely looking at bigger cars-our compact hatchbacks aren’t going to cut it…
Walnut says
I have three under 3.5 and life is definitely carefully balanced chaos, but worth every single minute. My immediate reaction getting pregnant with my third was a flurry of f-bombs and kvetching about it being the worst timing after moving cross country for a new job. That said, my third is the sweetest baby, hands down my best sleeper and chill as can be. He watches his older siblings so closely and at 4 months just rolled and scooted across the floor to grab a big handful of legos.
Shampoo help needed says
Looking for a shampoo for 10 y.o. who has thick hair and produces a lot of sebum. We’ve tried a few shampoos for oily hair but freshly washed hair still looks a little matted down and greasy.
Anonymous says
Sounds like there isn’t proper rinsing.
rosie says
Is she shampooing every day? That may be too frequent. Is she using conditioner? If so, I recommend keeping it to the ends and away from the roots.
avocado says
Suave (the adult formula, not the kids’) is the only shampoo that actually gets my 12-year-old’s hair clean. I hate that it contains artificial fragrance, sulfates, and all kinds of other garbage, but after trying approximately 100 fancy “safe” shampoos we’ve given up.
Make sure she is actually lathering the shampoo at the roots, is rinsing thoroughly, and is only using conditioner at the ends of her hair.
Anonymous says
I have thick hair but it is dry. I wash every 4-5 days. However, I have found my hair is so much better from the gunk perspective when I shampoo twice. Lather, rise, repeat, as they say. For me, I notice a difference immediately as I am shampooing. The first wash doesn’t produce a ton of lather, but the second does. And I make sure I rinse the second one extra well.
CPA Lady says
My sister went through this when she was about that age, and it turned out that she needed to be shown how much shampoo to use. She was using a tiny amount and it was just not enough for how thick and greasy her hair was.
Of course, it could be going the other way with your daughter too, where she’s using too much.
Anonymous says
+1 I think this is a common age for hygiene issues to crop up. Maybe review hair-washing with her and try head n shoulders. For example – I remember figuring out (on my own) I had to be a little more thorough “down there” after puberty started.
anon says
Random thing I learned way too old: plain face wash is great as a gentle soap for the lady parts. A doc originally recommended I switch to the old-fashioned clear Nuetrogena soap (the orange bar) and it was night and day difference in terms of being able to comfortably use soap. (I had been using standard Dove bar soap but the pH is different for body vs face soap, apparently.) I have since switched over to using my normal face wash (Neutrogena gentle foaming liquid) just so I don’t have to keep something else stocked in the shower.
DrPepperEsq says
Trader Joe’s tea tree oil shampoo. Caveat though is it kinda stings your eyes if you’re not careful about rinsing.
Knope says
I *think* this is the wrong answer if the conditioner the child is using has silicones, because TJ’s Tea Tree Oil Shampoo doesn’t have sulfates. You need a shampoo with sulfates to rinse out silicones, or else you get buildup from the silicones and your hair can look greasy. Caveat that this is what happens to people with curly hair – not sure if the effect is different with straight-haired people.
Anonymous says
+1 it sounds like she definitely needs a traditional shampoo, not a sulfate-free one.
Anonymous says
Shampoo twice! I know people think it’s a practice that exists purely to sell more shampoo, but if you have really greasy hair sometimes the first shampoo won’t even lather. I used to be so greasy that the water would like initially bounce off my head like a duck. Also maybe she’s not getting it wet enough or scrubbing it in well enough, or even rinsing well. Maybe a shower clock would help her figure out how long she should be doing each things.
Anon says
Different hair type (fine, but a lot of it) and I had this problem. My hair stylist was able to diagnose that I just wasn’t getting all of the shampoo out. I had switched to a natural brand, and when I switched back to tresemme naturals it fixed the problem.
Maybe baby? says
Since I was 12, doctors started telling me I probably couldn’t have kids. That was fine with me, and I’ve built my life planning not to be a parent. I love kids (babysat/nannied through college) but never pictured myself a mom or wanted to adopt/raise kids. I just turned 30 and doctors now tell me that I probably won’t have any trouble getting pregnant or delivering a child. I’ve dated some wonderful guys but those relationships have always broken up because they wanted kids (preferably bio) and I said I couldn’t or didn’t want to try for the ‘impossible.’ I’ve honestly never considered having a kid or raising a kid, but I get that if I want to think about it, I should do so soon. Do you recommend any authors, counseling, etc.?
In case you’re wondering- the condensed medical explanation is I was a very athletic kid who had ovarian surgery as a young teen. After gaining 10 lbs last year, I now have a textbook period/ovulation cycle. Thanks to family trees with multiple pregnancies, the same doctors who told me I’d never had a kid says no guarantee now say things like “Soon you’ll have several of your own!” I understand this sudden change is not a guarantee of having a child or being able to get pregnant, and I don’t say it to make anyone feel bad about any struggles they’ve had getting pregnant.
Cb says
Oh gosh, that sounds like it would throw anyone for a loop. This is a slightly off the wall suggestion but listen to the Motherhood Sessions podcasts, she talks to a lot of people grappling with the decision to have children or what to do once kids are there. A few sessions with a counselor might help as well, as you’re processing these very different life choices before you.
rosie says
Consider finding a therapist who specializes in fertility, pregnancy, and post-partum counseling to talk through things. There is a filter for these categories on the Psychology Today website to find someone in your area. IME it is really hard to separate the idea of wanting one or more children with the idea that you may not be able to have them — and disentangling what you want versus what you want to go through is really difficult. I hope you are able to find someone that can help as you are thinking through everything, and good luck with whatever you decide.
anon says
This may seem out of left field, but please go see an infertility doctor ASAP. I am not emotionally up for going through the full “how I know” but if you are at all inclined to have children with your DNA, the time to do something is *now.* The younger you are, the easier it is to freeze a bunch of eggs, which gives you 10ish years more wiggle room (up to age 50 from age 40) to decide to actually have a baby with your DNA. I went last week and even though I have to pay 40% of the office visit and ultrasound cost, my out-of-pocket expense for a consultation with ultrasound was only $244. I have a pretty crappy plan (Marketplace HMO) and even it covers “diagnostics” for infertility, which why this was covered. (I am not infertile–I have been on BC since I was 17–but it still covers this.) The education alone was worth $250. I have been planning to post a PSA-type post on the main board when I am ready to write it out in more detail.
Anon says
I agree, go see an infertility doctor. Not so much because I would push egg freezing at 30 (the stats on it are pretty bad and its expensive. I’m not saying don’t do it, but it is not the magic solution people make it out to be), but because I really don’t trust your doctor. Based on the limited info you provided, it just doesn’t seem like he knows what he is talking about and I think having a specialist evaluate the situation would be best.
As a mom says
At an indoor playground + cafe over the weekend, another mom confronted me as I was loading my kids into the car to tell me that my 2 year old had grabbed her one year old’s shirt, and caused her to fall and bonk her head. I kind of blinked at her, waiting for the point of the story. When I didn’t fill the silence with an apology, she continued that she’d watched my son, “since [she] didn’t know who he belonged to,” and saw him being a little bit rough with other kids too. “As a mom,” she would want to know if her kid was playing like that, so she when saw me leaving with him and figured out who his parent was, she wanted to make sure she told me. I don’t think I rolled my eyes, but I did say that I was sorry she thinks my 2 year old is a bully, causing her to gawp at me and huff back inside.
As a mom, frankly, I could not care less if my 2 year old is jostling another toddler for shared toys. I’m 98% sure my son had no intention of pulling the little girl to the ground, it just doesn’t take much to tip a one year old. This sounds like pretty normal behavior. If my older kid were shoving toddlers out of the way, I’d want to hear about it, but another toddler? Please. My gut reaction is that this is a mom of one one year old, and probably a SAHM. I’m not adding the SAHM bit to be snarky, I just figure that my kids have been knocked down approximately 500 times in daycare, because that’s what happens when kids are together. But maybe I’m a jerk? Should I care about this? Am I being irresponsible by availing myself of the coffee and comfy chairs at the play place instead of following my kids around as a referee?
Anonymous says
I think you are being way way over the top defensive about this! Sure, one toddler pulling another toddler happens. And yet still you literally could have just said “oh sorry about that!” and carried on with your life. And yes, sit in a comfy chair. But also your kid is two and you should be able to see him.
Ash. says
I mean, it sounds like you weren’t actually watching him closely enough to know what actually happened and whether this mom’s concerns are reasonable? Yes, two year olds can be physical and push and shove each other, but the way they learn not to do that as they get older is because their parents see them doing it and gently correct, them, “No, honey, we don’t shove our friend,” “Let’s use our gentle hands.”
So, this obviously isn’t what you want to hear, but yeah, I think you should have eyes on your two year old for the most part when they are playing in public, and at that point you can use your judgment regarding whether their behavior needs correcting or is standard kid stuff. But if you’re sitting back and have no idea what is going on, you can’t just assume that whatever your child was doing was perfectly fine, especially once another parent found it concerning enough to come find you afterward. Again, if you had SEEN what your child was doing and knew for a fact that it was nothing to be concerned about, fine, but you didn’t, so you don’t really have the moral high ground here.
octagon says
+1
How do you expect your toddler to learn that it’s not okay to shove other kids if you don’t correct them in the moment? Of course shoving and rough play happens, but it’s the responsibility of the adult to tell them what’s right and wrong.
It’s foreign to me that you would not have eyes on a 2 year old in a public play place anyway. I’ve had to make sure my kid isn’t roughed up by older kids (4 and 5 yos don’t have any sense of space around toddlers!) and frankly, just to make sure that my kid isn’t about to take a header off an elevated space.
Annie says
+ 2
Anonymous says
Not sure why you are so defensive about this. How would you feel if another kid caused your 2 year old to hit his head? Would you expect the caregiver to just shrug it off? It’s a play space, not a toddler battle cage.
Yes, it is completely normal behavior – that’s what toddlers do — but it’s still appropriate to (1) apologize to the mom and (2) if you happen to see something happen, come over to tell your kid “we use nice hands when playing, let’s play with x instead”.
And yes, I work full time.
Anonymous says
+1 it’s odd to me you didn’t have eyes on your kid. And I am a SAHM and my child gets plenty of interaction with kids during the week (ones she knows and rando kids at the playground). There are plenty of physical boundary issues so I wouldn’t say this is just a daycare thing – and they ALL get addressed in the moment. “Gentle touches” or “we don’t push friends”. Frankly I get pretty pissed if a 4 or 5 year old shoves my DD at the playground and I’ll say something directly to the kid. But I know that because I’m watching her.
Related… recently we were at a playground and a boy under 2 was crying for his mom for 5 minutes. Everyone was looking around trying to see who he belonged to. She had been staring at her phone the entire time.
Anonymous says
Also… SAHMs don’t usually visit play spaces on weekends. Cause they’re so much more relaxed during the week.
Ash. says
Off topic, but I’m just curious — did you become a member of this board when you were working and later decided to be a SAHM, or how did you come to be a poster here? And if you did used to work full time, how has the transition been?
Anonymous says
I was working full time with a good career and now a SAHM! The transition was totally fine (about a year in) because I really wanted to stay at home. It wasn’t a financial decision (i.e. daycare was too expensive). Really because of my industry and research I was pretty well informed of what I was giving up money/stability wise. I love staying at home but I’m in the suburbs of a city so I’m part of a moms group, have plenty of free activities to do every day, etc…I have to be more outgoing to make friends than I normally would be but I actually have a good group after 1 year. My DH is less stressed because when we were both working he worked a lot more hours than me but was still doing some daycare pickup/cooking/etc… he’s still a very present parent but I have time to take care if anything at home. Anyways – I meet lots of moms who become SAHMs not by choice, and you can tell it’s not great for them. But I like it! There’s definitely more stressful moments throughout my day (life pregnant with a toddler) but I’m a lot more fulfilled than I was by my job.
Anon says
I’m not the Anon at 11:01 but I also used to work and recently (~6 months ago) became a SAHM. I still read here and chime in on general parenting discussions that aren’t specific to working moms. I think there are a few of us!
GCA says
+1. I’m a pretty free-range parent. (If I had a dollar for each time some concerned parent has been like ‘your baby is eating sand’…) Of course my kid comes home from daycare with bruises and scrapes and gets knocked around several times a day – unless it’s a pattern and he’s the hitter, I don’t care and really neither does he. But I also trust daycare to help them learn not to shove other kids – and it’s a process that starts when they’re tiny toddlers and is still ongoing at 4 or 5. As a parent I’ve also been working on that since he was a tiny toddler, and it’s still an ongoing process. At 2 they probably don’t need following around the entire time (this is both kid- and context-dependent, obviously); at that age, in a familiar public playground, I might be sitting across the playground, but at least have eyes on him quite frequently.
Anonymous says
I’m free-range as well and I definitely get told “your kid is walking over there” to which I can say “yeh, I know, I see her”
OP says
Fair enough, thanks for the insight. Of course I checked on my kids, and played with them intermittently throughout our time there, but no, I do not feel the need to have eyes on them every second in a public play space. Especially at this place, which has all the elevated surfaces fully enclosed in netting, soft floors, and staff throughout the play area to supervise. I didn’t see the incidents in question, but I did see this mom hovering near the play kitchen when my kid was there, and I assume that’s where this happened. No heights involved. I kind of assume that if there is an adult in the vicinity, it is that adult’s job to do the gentle hands reminder. I’ve done that for my own kid and for kids I don’t know in similar situations, but it never would have occurred to me to track down the parent afterward.
I guess this answers my question that yes, I am a a jerk and an outlier!
Pogo says
I can understand being defensive (no one likes to be called out), but for this particular reason I always make sure to be hovering around my kid at indoor and outdoor playgrounds. I find it diffuses so much of the parental drama – the kids normally don’t care, but I always make sure to yell “[Little Pogo], he was playing with first, let’s let him have his turn” loud enough that the other mom hears me and doesn’t run over yelling “your kid stole my kid’s toy!”.
Anonymous says
Yes, this. In a group situation with unfamiliar kids/parents, it is important to make a big show of supervising and correcting your child if you want to avoid trouble.
ElisaR says
you’re not being irresponsible at all. honestly, she probably is a SAHM with a young child who hasn’t fully realized yet that these interactions are little lessons for how to navigate life. Your child did hers a favor! Seriously, that’s how I view it. People are nutty.
Anonymous says
“Your child did hers a favor” — can you explain what the favor is exactly?
ElisaR says
perhaps I was being a little snarky, but what I mean is that children navigate little tussels and in doing so learn how to stand up for themselves. When I heard my 2 year old say to an older kid “I don’t like that!” I was proud. Because he was standing up for himself and he knew how to do it because it had happened before. Little lessons allowed him to practice standing up for himself.
I’m not saying a bully-child should run rampant and attack other kids. The OP described a situation where her child was acting in an age-appropriate manner. I think as moms we try to protect our little ones and sometimes leaving them to navigate on their own is worthwhile.
ElisaR says
if it isn’t obvious…. I tend to follow Janet Lansbury’s approach with these interactions.
Anonymous says
I might agree if it was another 2 year old or a 3 year old but a 1 year old can’t respond verbally and they are probably also not really old enough to understand what happened if they are pulled over from behind.
I like JL but I can’t imagine she advocates not having your 2 year old within eyesight at a public playspace/playground.
Ash. says
The OP described a situation where she had no idea what her child had actually done, because she admits she wasn’t watching the child at the time, but she’s “98%” certain it was totally fine.
If she had actually seen her child engaging in non-harmful, age-appropriate behavior and thought it was best to let the kids work it out themselves, that would be a totally different situation. Here, all she has to go on is the fact that the other parent thought it was bad enough to comment on, and her assumption that nonetheless, her child’s behavior was totally unobjectionable because the other parent seemed like a SAHM.
ElisaR says
I see your points, and I agree a 2 year old should not be 100% unsupervised.
It sounds like the SAHM bit got to you Ash. I think it was mentioned because kids in daycare tend to get exposed to more unattended other children and a SAHM might be appalled by that. At least that’s the impression I get.
As a mom says
Thanks ElisaR, that is how I meant it.
It would have been better for me to phrase it as moms who don’t use daycare centers. My friends who use a nanny are sometimes alarmed at how much physicality there can be among toddlers, even when closely supervised by one or more adults.
I agree 2 year olds should not be 100% unsupervised. However, I don’t think they need to be 100% supervised, either.
Ash. says
Yes, I did find the SAHM reference off-putting because to me it seemed condescending/dismissive. Its relevance to what happened to OP seemed pretty tenuous — only SAHMs are sensitive about their kids getting knocked over at public play areas because of course working moms know that their kids are in a constant WWE match at daycare? Okay…
I’m not a SAHM myself, if that’s what you were implying, but yes, OP’s post did annoy me with its attitude that this other mom is some crazed lunatic and OP’s kid couldn’t possibly have done anything wrong, when she admits she did not see what was going on and wasn’t even attempting to watch.
Anonymous says
I think she was a bit much but I’d also keep a 2 year old within my line of sight at a play place unless an older sibling (like 6-7 yrs) was in there with them or it was staff supervised.
Anon says
Pay attention to your kid. Two year olds are kind of wild, and that’s ok, but it’s annoying when toddlers are out of control and unsupervised in public play spaces and the parents are out to lunch. My kids are in full time daycare and roll with the punches (literally), but I still don’t want them getting walloped in a play area.
Anon says
I’m a working mom, and my kiddo is a bruiser and twice the size of the other kids. Right now she’s going through a hugging phase – babies to 4 year olds, friends and strangers alike. If I just let her go for it she’d knock a bunch of kids down. She also tends to take what she wants, because she’s a toddler and we’re working on things like sharing. I would be “free-range” in our area because I’m not within arms’ reach of her (so much hovering at playgrounds and spaces!), but I’m definitely within eyesight and shouting distance to provide instruction such as “That’s not yours” or “Remember to share” or “We don’t touch other people unless invited.” So, it’s a little awkward the way she came across to you, but I also don’t think the substance of her comment was that far off.
AwayEmily says
Regardless of your own culpability (or lack thereof — I don’t have an opinion either way on that), I think it is uncalled for that the mom said something to you. It’s needlessly mean to call out another parent like that — and her excuse of “I thought you should know how your kids is playing” rings hollow to me — of course you know how your kid plays; he’s YOUR KID. I think she was just trying to make you feel bad.
When I take my kid to a public play space I recognize that I am running the risk of her interacting with kids who have different standards/rules/play modes than she does. So be it. It would take a LOT (and certainly a heck of a lot more than what your kid did) before I criticized another parent’s parenting to their face — you never know what’s going on in their day that has made them be less than 100% attentive, so why not give people the benefit of the doubt and not risk making their day even worse.
As a mom says
Thanks for the perspective, everyone, I’ll take the answers to my questions as yes, yes, and yes, and try to react more appropriately next time.
To clarify, I’m not advocating for toddler battledome. This was a staff-supervised play space literally designed for parents to relax while kids play. We were there for several hours on a rainy morning, and I intermittently played with each of my kids and chatted with a friend in sight lines to the play area. I did not see any of these incidents or their aftermath, but was paying enough attention that I am confident my son wasn’t being a public menace. I agree with everyone that immediate correction is important, and remind my kids and others to share and use gentle hands if I see an incident. I expect other parents do the same, and appreciate the backup because I have more than one child and can’t be in two places at once. The part I think is weird is tracking me down in the parking lot to tattle about a bumped head. I was expecting her to say he ripped daughter’s shirt, or she was seriously injured, in which case I would have understood why she was talking to me, been suitably apologetic, and tried to make amends.
Anon says
Everything else aside, I agree it’s inappropriate to track someone down to a parking lot in this situation, especially while loading in their kids. For a parent who was ostensibly concerned about safety, distracting a parent in a parking lot is a good way to increase the risk of real harm.
rosie says
I did not comment before but generally agree with a lot of the commenters on the supervision thing, but did want to say that I really appreciate your response here. I do think that following you into the parking lot was a little weird and cannot imagine doing that. I’m a first-time mom of a young toddler and I think in this situation, I would comfort my child and try to steer her play to an area away from an older kid that was playing too rough for my kid and did not seem to be closely supervised (assuming the older kid was not doing things that were dangerous to themselves in my judgment, that is — I would not just move away in that case).
Ash. says
If there was staff on-site that was supposed to be supervising the children instead of the parents, that changes the entire dynamic of your post, OP. The appropriate reaction in that circumstance would have been for that mom to bring her concerns to the attention of the staff, who could have then said something to you if necessary or just redirected your child. It also makes far more sense that you would not be supervising your kid directly, since presumably the staff is tasked with doing that so parents can relax.
Anon says
does anyone have a bike helmet recommendation for a 14 month old? do i need to take them to a bike store or can i order online?
rosie says
I found it helpful to go in person to figure out sizing and styles. We went to REI and they had a great selection. Cannot remember the brand we ended up with off the top of my head but there were multiple to choose from there.
Pogo says
We have the Bell “Sprout” toddler helmet. We didn’t try it on first, just bought it.
Anonymous says
Pretty sure that’s what we have, too. Or else we tried it on. We went to our local bike shop. But we’re regulars there, anyway, so it just seemed like the obvious choice.
Anon. says
Schwinn makes an ‘Infant’ sized one that you can buy at Target (and presumably various other big box or online retailers). It fit my 18-month old just fine. Bonus points because the one we got has farm animals – only way I could convince him to put it on at first.
ElisaR says
nutcase size XS
AwayEmily says
I would go in person to Target or a bike shop. It’s just really hard to get the fit right when ordering online (I know this from experience).
anon in brooklyn says
We tried a couple and I think the Giro Scamp is the best. The Nutcase ones look cute, but get hot without much ventilation.
CCLA says
Giro scamp with MIPS. Includes adjustable dial to ensure fit, rather than dealing with inserting pads, so we had success ordering online. DH did a fair amount of research and determined the MIPS part was valuable (they make the same one without MIPS).
Cb says
Go in person and have them check fit. We found that the cute skateboard style didn’t fit my kiddos massive pumpkin head so he is now the owner of the tackiest flame patterned helmet I’ve ever seen.
Paging Salary Q says
I just got around to reading Thursday’s post and just wanted to throw some support at you! I also have twins, who are now 3, and am a lowish earner too (MCOL city, make about $55K). We have paid my entire salary, a little less than half of our entire HHI, in day care costs since they were 4 months old and it gets demoralizing! I really love my job and don’t want to leave it, and likely won’t be getting huge raises in the future (government)… But to get myself through, I think about a) retirement contributions, b) minimal but existent salary growth, which I wouldn’t have if I was at home, and c) that honestly I don’t think I’d be a great SAHM. It wouldn’t give me the same discrete accomplishments I have at work and I think I need those. But solidarity, paying for child care for multiples is awful. Even my other friends who have kids close in age only have to “overlap” day care costs for a year or two.. the way that their birthdays play out, we are going to double-pay until they’re at least 4.5, maybe 5.5. I’m just telling myself how flush we’ll seem once kindergarten rolls around!
Ash. says
Just wanted to comment that I’m discovering that the financial windfall when kids enter kindergarten isn’t quite as much as I’d hoped, i.e., childcare costs don’t revert to zero for the kid going into public school because for full time working parents, you still have to pay for aftercare. This may seem obvious, but I didn’t really think about it until I actually started budgeting for next year.
After school care alone will be about 1/3 of the cost of full time care (which does make sense, since the after-care hours of 2:30-5:30 make up about 1/3 of the total 7:30-5:30 day). So yes, it’s significant savings, just less than I’d assumed. And this also doesn’t account for the cost of any full-time summer camps, which I’d imagine are at least as much per month as regular full-time care, if not more. So at best, you’re saving 2/3 of childcare costs for 3/4 of the year. Not nothing, but still depressing that working parents still have to “pay to work” once the kids are in public school.
Anonanonanon says
My school-aged child costs the exact same in childcare as our infant who is in a licensed in-home daycare. Both are about $15K a year each. Summer is the real kicker, and we do pay for a pretty expensive before/after school care program that covers teacher work days, holiday breaks, a good majority of weather delays/closures, etc.
Ash. says
This is really helpful perspective, thanks. The good news is, that money is already in the budget — the bad news seems to be, it doesn’t actually get better once you enter public school!
So Anon says
Ugh. The costs of summer camp are brutal. Camps in my MCOL area are 300ish per week per kid for 9-3. If you need before or after care (i.e. regular working hours), it adds another 100 per week per kid.
Anonymous says
Yeah, a wise co-worker friend of mine told me that once they start school, you’ll just spend money on other stuff…before or after care, activities, camps, summer nanny, etc.
Anon says
As a counterpoint, childcare got a lot cheaper for us in K, but after care is WAY cheaper than daycare, even for a preschooler ($50/week vs $250/week) and our public school has a short (8 week) summer break so we don’t have to pay for a lot of camps – we do a couple family vacations and a week or two with grandparents so we end up only paying for about 4 weeks of camp.
anon says
Weird question but has anyone’s dog had acl repair surgery? Ours is having it next week and the timing is terrible. I’m due with our second in 5 weeks (and am really struggling) and we’re finishing up a renovation in our house too. I tried googling to get an idea of what dog’s recovery will be like and now I’m nervous that it’s a much bigger ordeal than our vet suggested.
ElisaR says
our golden retriever had it. I wouldn’t worry too much because you can’t really do much for them. They take it easy for a few weeks.
ACL Dog Mom says
Mine did, 2 years ago. There are different types of surgery (TPLO, TTL, etc.) that affect the recovery period, as does your vet/surgeon setup. And the dog’s age….ours was 7 at the time, and while still energetic, not a crazy puppy.
The best thing we did is to board our dog at the vet for the entire week following the surgery. He had the surgery on a Tuesday, we actually left for vacation on Thursday, and picked him up the following Monday. The vet said that was the best and they wished everyone could/would do that. That first 48-72 hours is really bad pain wise, and then they were able to monitor him, really control his movement, etc.
Following that, we just couldn’t let him run free. They gave us a week by week recovery plan. The first week – outside on the leash just to do his business, nothing more. My husband had to carry him up and down the 2 concrete stairs to get to our backyard. Second week – we could walk a little down street with him (no more than 5 minutes, tops) a couple of times a day, and so on. It built up from there. They also gave us PT exercises to do, which could be difficult because he wasn’t the most cooperative dog.
Other than that, we crated him when we weren’t there or couldn’t watch him (ex: showering) to make sure he didn’t hop on couches or anything like that. It took the full 3 months, but he recovered. We ended up going to a vet PT for extra rehab since we had trouble doing the exercises at home.
2 years post-op and he’s great/fully recovered.
anon OP says
Thanks. We were actually considering boarding him following it just because of the craziness with the renovation so this is really helpful.
Anonymous says
I have not dealt with ACL surgery in a dog. My 20ish lb dog had surgery on his spine awhile back, which sounds like it has similar concerns in recovery. While we were at work, the dog was in his kennel to restrict his movement as he was used to roaming the house. We also looked into creating a restricted area with gates, but an extra large kennel worked better for our space. We took our dog to a pet physical therapist. I wish we would have continued the appointments for longer. Finally, we made sure our dog walker was prepared for the dog’s limitations as my dog was not inclined to follow the restrictions on movement.
Anonymous says
How do you feel about giving a child 4 names (i.e. two middle names)? I want our kid to have my maiden name as a middle, but we’re also considering a normal first name as a middle name, so it would be First Middle Maiden Last. Will this get annoying for him? Thanks!
ElisaR says
My friend has 2 middle names and we tease her about it because once she got married it made it fun to say all 5 names. But obviously we were just having fun with it. I think it’s fine. Realistically there isn’t always space for even a middle name let alone 2 middle names on certain things, so both middle names may not get used very often. (I’m thinking diploma, yearbook, drivers license, anything where your name is there formally.)
Anonymous says
Yep, I have 2 middle names (as do my kids) and always just used the “normal” one when I needed one letter to fill in the middle initial box. All my formal paperwork has both, though.
Anonymous says
Quite common in my area for kids to have both grandmother or grandfather’s first names as middle names. One middle name is more common but lots have two.
DLC says
Both my children have two middle names. One of the middle names was given by my grandfather for cultural reasons. We rarely think about it. The only annoying thing so far is that our son’s full name doesn’t fit on his passport, but it hasn’t been a problem yet. And my kids are fascinated and proud of having so many names. I think it is trickier giving your kids two last names- that takes a bit more persistence and correcting to get people to consistently use your child’s full last name.
rosie says
This is what we did. It’s kid’s legal name, not sure how much it will all get used but that is not so important to me. The middle names do both start with the same letter, so kid can be John Steven Smith Doe, John S. Doe (and use whichever one if people ask), whatever he wants as he grows up.
Anonymous says
I did the exact same thing. My kid is only 4, so I’m not sure if he will find it annoying but it makes me happy. His complete name fits on his passport and other government documents.
So Anon says
I have two middle names because I tacked on ex’s when we got married. I haven’t found it annoying or anything.
Anonymous says
Somewhat related to this: my kid has two middle names, and goes by his first middle name (as opposed to his legal first name). Any tips to navigate this in school and avoid confusion?
ElisaR says
my husband does this. It can be a bit confusing (like when he sat for an hour at the DMV waiting for them to call his name and they were calling his name but he doesn’t answer to it!)
No tips for you, other than writing out the first and middle name so people can see both names and get the explanation.
Names says
I used my mother’s maiden name for our son’s 2nd middle name, so he has First Middle Maiden Last, but we also have a numeral at the end (II, III, IV, etc) as he shares my husband’s name otherwise. Husband has his paternal grandmother’s maiden name in that same 2nd middle position and hasn’t had any issues in the past. It’s just not a big deal. In some documents the 2nd middle will be left off (if there’s only room for a single middle initial), otherwise I will sometimes put both initials instead of the names: “First MM Last”. As we have the numeral addition, he has a lot of iterations of his name floating out there, but I’m not very concerned about it.
Anonymous says
It might be annoying in the sense of doing background investigations, filling out forms that don’t account for two middle names, etc, but that seems pretty minor. Middle names are pointless so you may as well do what you like.
Anonymous says
I have four names, as does my sibling and both my kids. It is occasionally annoying in that most forms don’t allow for two initials so you have to pick a main one, but not so annoying I didn’t give my kids 2 middles! Mine are a family middle name and my mom’s last name, and I generally use my mom’s last name as my primary middle initial professionally because I don’t really have a connection to the other name. My brother uses both his middle name initials professionally. My kids have my mom’s last name and my last name as middle names. The one thing is to be consistent with things like birth certificate and social security registration – mine were not consistent and it caused me some problems.
Flats Only says
Yesterday our very sweet neighbor knocked on our door to invite us to her 9th birthday party next Saturday! She has a same aged cousin who lives with them (two families in one huge McMansion) and then a toddler brother and sister there too. I am stumped for a gift – I don’t know what 9 year olds are into, and I want something that can be shared a bit vs. something that will promote jealousy and division between her and her cousin. What about 1 or 2 “grownup” coloring books and a big set of pens, which will also keep them occupied on hot summer afternoons when they’re not outside. They have a huge yard that they play in, so what about some sort of kit for giant bubbles or something like that?
Em says
Giant bubbles would be good, as would a Crayola art kit (the ones with giant paper, crayons, coloring pages, etc.) or stomp rockets.
SJ says
My 9yovis really into anything with the sequins that change color, reverse. Journals, pillows, t-shirts, lots of things have them.
Anonymous says
A target gift card + card made by your kid.
Anon says
board game, twister, etc
Anon says
I have no idea what to get a 9 year old, but that is so sweet that she invited you herself!
Anonymous says
First time mom (3 weeks into this parenting thing) – does maternity leave get any less difficult? I knew that newborns take up all of your time, I guess I just didn’t realize that the time they take up is so extremely physical and monotonous. I’m use to challenging mental work in a biglaw practice, but not anything physical and nothing that’s this repetitive (our baby was also born very small for his gestational age, so every feeding is me attempting to nurse, then supplementing with a bottle of pumped breast milk, then pumping to make enough breast milk for the next feeding. It usually takes about 1.5 hours to get all of this done, so even being on a longer 3 hour cycle only leaves 1.5 hours to sit/nap/eat/shower/whatever). I feel like my brain is turning to mush between the sleep deprivation and the lack of mental stimulation. I’m listening to audiobooks or podcasts while nursing, but also feeling a lot like “you need to eat *again*? didn’t we just feed you?” I definitely think PPD is creeping up so I’m making an appointment with my OBGYN to talk and likely see a counselor. It’s just a lot at the moment.
Mrs. Jones says
I know not everyone agrees, but I thought having a baby was SO BORING. I do not miss it AT ALL.
Definitely ask for help with PPD. I wish I’d done that sooner.
Kids get much more interesting as they get older. Good luck!
Anonymous says
OP here- thanks for saying this. It is both super busy and also boring having the baby. It wasn’t until a fellow lady lawyer who came to meet the baby was like “yep, so mentally not stimulating and that was super difficult for me and I went back to work a month early as a result. If you think about it, when was the last time you were mentally unstimulated for more than a week of vacation?” Which was my “ah-ha” moment about why this has been seemingly more difficult for me than friends who seem to enjoy the newborn phase. I have a very supportive husband who says “I hope when I come home the house is a mess and you’ve taken a nap at some point.” (And he means it) so that has been helpful that no one is holding me to a standard of needing to keep up some sort of perfect household appearance and I have a “license to nap.”
Anonymous says
Definitely nap. Do not worry about the state of your house. Sleep when baby sleeps for at least the first few weeks. Sleep helps make milk as well.
Jeffiner says
I called it busy-bored. It was very boring being on maternity leave, but I was so “busy” nursing or changing diapers or trying to get baby to sleep that I had very little time to do anything the least bit stimulating. I went back to work 2 weeks before my maternity leave ended, and don’t regret it at all.
anon says
I think I wrote the exact same post with my first (who was also SGA and would not nurse). I exclusively pumped for many months and in hindsight would not do that again. Things got a lot better around 6 weeks as the feedings became more routine.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Yes, I found maternity to be both physically exhausting and mentally boring. I got to catch up on a lot of Netflix shows, but I don’t think I could do that long term, especially once the baby catches on to screens being interesting. It does get better as the weeks go on – I think right around 3 or 4 months is when they become really cute and more interactive. If you’re in biglaw, hopefully you have a longer leave and can enjoy some of these golden post-newborn months.
I felt the days pass really really slowly too (especially with my first) If you can, try to get out to a library playgroup, mom’s group, exercise class, or really anything where there are other adults with babies. It’s not about the babies’ development or anything – it’s about your sanity. I looked forward to my weekly mom’s group and yoga because it gave me a place to be at a set time and something to pass the time.
Anonymous says
It gets easier as they get a little older like every week you will probably notice better feeding and longer sleep. Especially in the evenings it’s normal if they want to eat every hour (cluster feedings). Their stomachs are teensy at this stage, hence the need for small, frequent feedings.
I prefered watching documentaries on tv over podcasts/audio books so maybe change up what you’re doing to entertain yourself? I also sometimes put a friend on speaker while nursing to catch up a bit. Even with friends working, they often had time for a 10-15 minute phone call to catch up.
Anonymous says
adding that my hospital had a BF clinic on Tuesday and Thursdays that was open for visits to weigh baby and consult with the LCs with no appointment necessary. They had lots of helpful advice and encouragement including about how to pump. I went twice a week for the first couple months.
ElisaR says
yes – my hospital had this too and it was very helpful. I will say that getting myself to that meeting made me feel like I conquered the world some days….. everything just seemed difficult.
Pogo says
Hugs. This sounds exactly like the first 3 weeks of my leave! Podcasts are good, I also watched the entirety of Mad Men on my leave. Schedule things to look forward to during the day – do you have any family or friends who have daytime availability, just to come over and chat?
I joined a b-feeding support group, and that was super helpful. The group was led by an RN/IBCLC, so not only could she help with b-feeding but also answer any health questions for us. It was like group therapy, honestly – I remember the time someone asked about terrifying dreams involving your newborn and immediately we were all like OMG I HAVE THOSE! So in addition to the actual health professional it was great to just hear that I wasn’t alone.
It will eventually get a little easier, but much of my leave was being tethered to my newborn. I made my peace with it and leaned into the Netflix. I also found I could stretch naps longer when I wore my LO, so I would do that and it would allow me to eat a meal without having to also be nursing at the same time.
rosie says
The “triple feed” is super exhausting on top of the general drain of having a newborn. I would say yes it does get easier, but your plan to see your OB and consider some counseling sounds great. You can also look into new moms groups in the area to meet people and have somewhere to get out of the house where there is no pressure when your baby cries/poops/eats/etc. I did a multi-week mindfulness group and it was a morning thing once a week and a group of us got lunch after. Is a post-partum doula an option at all to help you get a little more rest?
Knope says
It will get a lot easier once you are done with the “triple feed.” You should not be trying to sustain that as a long-term plan, btw – if you are still needing to do that in a week I think you should give formula supplementation serious consideration, because you just can’t go on living like that. It’s still hard after that – I found maternity leave to be pretty boring and I was excited to go back to work – but it’s easier when your baby’s patterns get a little more predictable and you have a little more time to do other stuff.
NYCer says
I would also recommend that you strongly consider switching to formula if you’re still doing the triple feed in a week or two. That alone will be so much less stressful and tome consuming!!
I think that mat leave gets better every week. Your baby will start smiling and squealing and get on more of a (flexible) schedule as time passes. My biggest advice is to try and get outside every single day. I went for a walk in the park since I live in the city, but even a walk around your block or to the store works. (Caveat: I did not enjoy going to restaurants when baby was that tiny because I just found it stressful.)
Anon says
Really? I feel like under about 6 months was the easiest time to go to restaurants. She would just sit there in the bucket seat and coo. So much harder with a mobile baby who wanted to be on the move and so much harder still with a toddler.
NYCer says
To each their own…. I never enjoyed taking my babies to restaurants.
Anon says
Formula? Exclusive breastfeeding a newborn is tough under the best circumstances and it sounds like you’re not dealing with anything close to the best circumstances. Supplementing with formula was sanity-saving for me, and didn’t ruin my breastfeeding relationship (DD is 20 months and still nursing, although we’re now down to just a quick feed in the mornings).
Chi Squared says
The triple feed is brutal, and unsustainable. I had two preemies, neither of whom took to breastfeeding. I found I could not sustain the attempted nurse-bottle feed-pump cycle with either of them once they got home from the NICU. So, much as I didn’t want to, I dropped the attempts to nurse and exclusively pumped, supplementing with formula when necessary. That for me was sustainable through both maternity leaves and well into returning to work. Oh, and I watched all of House of Cards and VEEP on my 2nd maternity leave while pumping. Hang in there, and give yourself permission to NOT do it all!
Ash. says
My god, you’re three weeks in!! Yes, it’s perfectly normal to feel overwhelmed, bored, stressed, tired, annoyed, like it isn’t what you expected, everything! Our sexist culture frames maternity leave as a 12+ week vacation when it is not that — it’s WORK, at a completely new job that you’ve never done before! Hang in there, things change soooo fast when your baby is small.
Irish Midori says
Right there with ya, sister. You are a human feeding trough for a while, and it can feel absolutely dehumanizing, which is (I think) especially hard when you’re used to deriving your societal value from your ability for higher thinking. I promise it gets better. I had to just accept that those early weeks (months, really) are for just slogging through and surviving. It’s okay to Netflix and survive for now. I promise it’s not forever.
Coach Laura says
You might try a nursing supplemental system (see Medela one on amazon with bottle hanging from neck strap and mini feeding tubes going out to each n!pple). I used it when my oldest wouldn’t or couldn’t get enough from nursing and the tube supplies previously pumped milk (or supplementary formula) so that you don’t have to nurse, then bottle feed, then pump. You still may need to pump after but it makes nursing more effective and saves a step.
SC says
Hugs. I definitely encourage you to go see a counselor if you think you may have PPD. I can also tell you from experience that things probably will get much better really soon.
When my baby was a newborn, we also had the 1.5 hour cycle of nursing, supplementing, and pumping (it really is a “triple feed”). It’s exhausting, even on a 3-hour cycle. Practically, here are some things that helped me through that stage. (1) Buying a ton of extra pump parts, so they could be thrown in a special bin in the sink and washed every 12 hours instead of every 3, (2) Ready-made snacks–my favorite was trail mix with granola, almonds, dried cherries, and dark chocolate chips. It’s great to be able to reach into a bag and grab a handful of calorie-dense food between nursing sessions or while pumping. (3) I had DH take one night-time feeding with expressed milk, and I slept for 6 hours. Seriously, that turned the whole ship around for me because then I only needed to nap once a day, and I could use the 1.5 hours I had between feedings for normal activities. (4) A challenging novel. It took me a long time to get through it, but I read Americanah on maternity leave, and it felt good to use my brain for a few minutes at a time. (5) A strapless pumping bra–you probably already have this, but I was clueless and it took me a few weeks to find out about it (maybe from this s*te).
I can’t remember exactly how long we had to do the triple feed every cycle. It felt like we wouldn’t survive it at the time. By 6 weeks, I was still pumping/supplementing a couple times a day but could leave the house (with baby) for several hours without the pump and just nurse. And by 8-9 weeks, we traveled for a long weekend, and I didn’t take the pump with me at all.
This is just my experience. YMMV, of course, and please use formula if you want to.
Anon. says
Chiming in to second (4) here: a challenging book. I read Thinking Fast and Slow by Kahneman on leave and it took me the entire 4 months. I normally prefer much lighter reading material for fun, but having something really dense to focus on for a few minutes at a time really helped keep me stimulated.
My other advice is that around 4 weeks and after I tried to schedule myself for at least one ‘special’ event per day. Examples: Target, Grocery store, friend bringing lunch, meeting friend for lunch, mommy group, long walk somewhere not in neighborhood (mall, botanical garden etc). Literally anything to get me out of pajamas and out of the house made me feel like I had accomplished something that day.
I can’t speak to this triple-feed stuff – that sounds miserable. But generally – yes it gets easier. It gets so much easier.
anon says
triple feeding is the worst! i did it with my twins so you can imagine how much extra time that took, particularly since I could not tandem breast feed or even feed them bottles simultaneously because one of them had bad reflux and needed a lot of burping. at around 8 weeks i switched to exclusively pumping, which made things easier for me. i was sad to give up the actual brst feeding, but i was on my own with them and it was making it hard for me to bond bc all i did was feed. i never made enough milk to exclusively feed brst milk, so they were getting some formula from day 1, though my supply increased over time. i was sad not to brst feed, but it was a bit better once i stopped. if you decide to go the exclusively pumping route, it is possible to feed a bottle and pump at the same time, once you feel a bit more comfortable. but you are only a few weeks in! cut yourself some slack. if you are committed to only feeding brst milk that is great too, but you could probably skip a pumping session. is it in the budget at all for you to hire a bit of help? i even had a mothers helper come and she was able to wash bottles and help feed the bottles so that i had a bit more time in between feedings to nap, shower, run to starbucks, etc. hang in there. i promise it gets easier!
Walnut says
I suck at maternity leave. There’s a monotony to it that simply does not fill my bucket.
Anonanonanon says
Well I have officially confirmed I should not do a tough workout in the morning. I did a hot yoga+cardio+strength class at 6AM this morning. By 1pm I felt like I had already worked a full day and then some, and I still have so much to do! I’ve been hydrating but I have a pounding headache. Now I know to save the tough workouts for late evening and keep pre-work workouts to things like regular ol’ yoga. Sigh.
anon says
I’ll commiserate with you, because I’ve been there, too … but if working out in the morning is what you want, keep doing it. Your body will adjust to the increased load in the morning and it’ll be less taxing. I’m a morning runner and have noticed a big difference during the weeks when I’m ramping up speed or distance. I’ll feel more sluggish than usual for the first week, and then it gets better.
Go to bed early tonight — it’ll help!
So Anon says
Can you talk more about this? I’m a runner and struggling to get my runs in during the day. Every time I try a morning run, I feel so exhausted that it seems unworkable, even if it is my usual 3-4 miles. How long did it take your body to adjust? Do you eat anything the night before or after the run to help?
Anonymous says
Different anon here. For me, it takes about 2 weeks to adjust to increased morning activity (including starting from zero). It is so worth the adjustment period though. The mental and physical benefits that last throughout the day are amazing for me. I don’t change my dietary habits the night before. I also don’t eat before I run if it is less than 4 miles. 5 or more, I need to eat. The middle is a gray area that I just avoid, lol. The big thing is that I make sure I drink about 25 oz of water before I run. It’s not always easy to drink it so fast, but I usually get it ready the night before so it is room temperature and ready to go. Luckily, it rarely causes a belly ache for me. I wake up super thirsty and drink a lot of water anyway.
Anonymous says
Try eating a banana or something with magnesium. It’s not just about hydrating but about having enough potassium and/or magnesium for me after a tough workout.
octagon says
It gets easier! I love working out in the morning because then nothing in the evening can derail my plans.
I struggle with post-workout headaches, though. I’ve found that a combination of super-hydration (like twice as much as I would normally drink), plus potassium, plus protein helps a lot. I’ve usually had most of my day’s protein by 11 am if I work out at 6 — I started drinking a protein shake on the drive home and that helps a lot.
AnotherAnon says
Every time we come back from family vacation I 1) wonder if we should move closer to them because even though my family drives me nuts, my kid loves his cousins so much and 2) lament that I am working, even though I would be a terrible SAHM. Just needed to get that out there.
Anonymous says
I ALWAYS have that feeling! It drives my husband crazy because he has no desire to leave our city life for the suburbs, nor do I really have a desire to stay home with the kids either. I just try to remind myself of the reasons we chose the city over the suburbs, why I am working, and why those reasons are right for us. And remember that vacation is very different from every day living and grind. The grass is always greener!
Ash. says
Just remember that your attitude about BOTH of these things is impacted by the fact that it is vacation and not your day-to-day life. By which I mean, if you lived in the same town as the cousins, you might only see them once or twice a month because everyone is actually busy with their day-to-day lives, whereas when you plan a vacation, you get a big chunk of days where everyone clears their calendar to spend time together. I actually experienced this, moving to be close to my parents and siblings: we soon discovered that while “visits” were awesome and everyone had fun together, in day to day life, we are all too busy for each other, and it’s actually bred some resentment.
Same thing with being a SAHM: on vacation, you have nothing you need to be doing besides enjoying your time with your kids, and it is special because it’s a change from your day to day work. Plus you have the fun activities that go along with vacation, be that sightseeing, recreation like swimming or hiking, and the novelty of being with the cousins. If you were a SAHM, you’d be in your house or local community, trying to get household chores done and keep kids entertained, and you’d be all alone without your spouse and other adults that you have for backup while on vacation.
This is not to invalidate your feelings at all because I go through the exact same thought process frequently–just hoping to lend some helpful perspective!
SC says
Truth. We live close to family, and Kiddo has 6 cousins who live nearby. Everyone is busy with their day-to-day lives, and we probably only see each set of cousins once a month or so. And even seeing them that often means that we have family obligations probably 3 out of 4 weekends. Also, my parents live far away, but when we do see them, it’s for larger chunks of time and it’s vacation for everyone, and I think in a year, my kid gets more quality time with my parents than he does with 3 out of 4 of his in-town grandparents.
Also, I had an extended period of unemployment several years ago, and DH is a SAHD/works very part-time now. Housekeeping, cooking, childcare, etc kept me extremely busy when I was unemployed–I was non-stop for at least 12 hours per day and typically had over 10,000 steps per day in my own house. DH is busy as a SAHP now. I suppose things could be different if I made 2-3 times what I make, and we could afford to outsource everything, but he does everything that dual-earners typically outsource unless he absolutely can’t (really just electrical, plumbing, roofing, AC).
anon says
I think this is totally normal. My own grass-is-greener situation happened last night, when I was listening to two friends make really fun plans for today. One works in the schools and has summers off, and the other is a SAHM. Meanwhile, I’m pretty disillusioned with my full-time job right now. But … I’m playing the long game. I know I’m not cut out for SAHM life, and I have more financial security and career mobility than my friends. I just want to have it alllll. ;)
Ash. says
Having full summers off yet somehow still having a relevant law career would be the best :) How have we not figured this out yet??
CPA Lady says
I’m considering looking for another job and I would love some advice or feedback.
Due to a promotion, I’m now having to work a lot more closely with a partner who is notoriously difficult to work with– micromanaging, controlling, condescending, prone to angry outbursts, typically goes through multiple assistants per year. And through some miracle I’ve barely had to interact with her over the last several years. But now circumstances have changed, and there’s not really any way I can avoid it going forward.
My job has been a pretty great situation otherwise. I was planning to stay at least another couple of years, and possibly start looking once I see what kindergarten is like (kid starts fall of 2020), but I’m thinking about looking around now. Is that totally delusional? I know everyone says stay in a lean out job when your kid is in school, but this otherwise great job has become a lot more unpleasant lately and I’m not really sure what to do.
Anonymous says
Look around for other opportunities now. If you’re not sure if you want a lean in or lean out type job, it might take a while to find the right fit.
Ash. says
If you have any interest at all in moving, or think you will in the future, I definitely think you should start looking now. It can take a long time for the right opportunity to come along, and even if you get an offer, you don’t have to take it if it’s not the right thing. And your definition of what “the right thing” is might change as time goes on, so if you start the process now and you become more open-minded as you go along, you may be in a better position to accept an offer that does come in.
It’s nothing you don’t already know, but for perspective, I contacted a recruiter in early February last year to begin my job search, got a first interview a week later (they had the perfect position for me). I ended up getting that job, but I still didn’t get the official offer and change jobs until May, just due to how slow the hiring process can be, and that’s in basically a best-case scenario.
anon says
I agree with this. Don’t wait until you can’t stand it anymore. I made that mistake pretty recently, and finding a new job hasn’t happened as quickly as I’d hoped. And I did end up turning away one opportunity that I had some misgivings about.
Artemis says
Start looking now. It may be just me, but I’m in a lean-out job and from when I first started dipping my toe into the job hunt waters, very gingerly, to now, it’s been two years, and I have nary a job interview in sight and a stack of openings to apply for in my now more-urgent phase. I hope you’ll be luckier than me. I turned down two job offers in year 1 of the search and do not regret it–they were not right–but it’s been a long dry spell. Good luck!
anon says
Any quick meal ideas for when you’re solo parenting, badly need to get to the grocery store, and are stressed out from work (i.e., not creative at all)? I figure if I can get the kids fed and happy-ish, they can come with me to the store tonight.
ElisaR says
not creative – but I do peanut butter and jelly in this situation (my kids usually only get it on the weekend since they can’t bring it to school)
GCA says
Takeout or ‘snack dinner’ (pita, sliced veggies, hard boiled eggs, hummus, deli meat/ smoked salmon etc) + grocery delivery?
LittleBigLaw says
We’ve recently started doing “grocery store picnics” (I think someone suggested them here or on the main site) and they have been so great! Our grocery store has a few tables in the deli area, and I’ll order something from the hot bar for us to share and then shop. Cheaper than a restaurant, saves time, and my preschooler thinks its so cool to eat at the grocery store. Of course, if you’ve got preteens or older, YMMV.
Anon says
Frozen pizza (ideally with a side of frozen vegetables). Breakfast for dinner (do you have eggs and a bread product (waffles, biscuits, toast, etc..)? Box mac and cheese (need milk and butter). Second recommendation for grocery delivery. For lunch on Sunday my toddler had applesauce and yogurt melts, so in my view fed is fed and nutrition is an average, so do what you need to do.
Anonymous says
Pasta plus jarred sauce.
Anon says
This was my leftover lunch today from Friday’s last minute dinner, with a few frozen meatballs thrown in.
Anonymous says
breakfast dinner. Meaning cold cereal, not pancakes. Eggs if you want to be fancy!
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
I say this every time this question comes up, as it is basically what my house runs on – QUESADILLAS! Easy to make, fun to eat, and a great way to add some extra veggies (whatever you have on hand). Beans of your choice (canned) + Veggies + Whatever spices + Cheese. Bonus if you have Greek yogurt and/or avocado for dipping. Really you can stuff a lot of different leftovers into it (another favorite is re-purposing Indian food – either takeout or home made — into quesadillas).
Kelly says
Scrambled eggs, toast with cream cheese, and a microwaved can of baked beans.
Anon says
Does anyone else here not like kids that aren’t your own? I have one toddler and absolutely adore her – spending time with her (and her dad) is my favorite thing in the world. But I’ve never been a “kid person” and don’t really enjoy being around other kids. I thought my close friends’ kids would be an exception, but as the kids have gotten older and changed from immobile babies to very active toddlers, I’m realizing that’s not that case. I care about my friends and want to maintain the friendships, but I’m discovering that going to the zoo with five toddlers is my version of h3ll, even if I’m only responsible for one of the toddlers. Anyone else feel the same? How do you manage it?
Anonymous says
Plan more 1-1 playdates vs larger group activities. Don’t expect to be able to have an actual in depth conversation with a friend during a playdate – that’s what a kid free dinner or brunch is for.
Anonymous says
Yes. You might find the other kids are easier to be around when your child is just a little older. Then it’ll be really cute to watch her form friendships and really interact with the other kids.
Anon says
For me it’s a function of the space and the people (caveat that I adore most children), and I think 5 toddlers would certainly do me in – smaller groups sound better for you. I also prefer enclosures (indoor play place, fenced yard, etc.) so that the toddlers can run a bit but wont, e.g., risk being trampled by an elephant if you actually look at your friend to talk. There are friends we see less because their children are, IMHO, undisciplined, disrespectful (to others and to their parents in a way that makes me uncomfortable to even watch), incredibly loud hooligans (and well past the age where that type of behavior was, if ever, acceptable). There are other friends we see more because their children, while pre-school aged, are more introverted, quieter, and just generally well-behaved. Lots of kids trapped in a small kitchen and dining room – run far, far away. Meeting up with friends and lots of kids in wide (preferably fenced) outdoor area – much more tolerable. At the end of the day though, babysitters are expensive (and for me personally, I don’t have a good roster, so a lot of effort and stress to track down), so I am much more likely to say yes to something I can bring kiddo to than not.
Anonymous says
Toddlers are still barely human, so I would give this some time. Also, I am an introvert and always prefer smaller groups, regardless of whether they are kids or adults or a mix.
AnotherAnon says
Yep! I have a two year old and I love him dearly, even when he’s a toot, as my grandma would say. OTOH I think babies are incredibly dull. I have 3 close friends who have toddlers and I like one of them (the kid I mean), the others range from I barely notice them to “this kid is kind of obnoxious.” My friends are good, attentive parents, but it honestly feels like a chaotic drain on my sanity when we all try to get together. One on one kid play dates and kid-free dates with your friends are nice if you can swing them. I actively avoid kid zones like the pool, indoor kid parks, etc. But I also have three mom friends so maybe don’t take my advice on that. I tell myself that my friends are good parents and I know these kids will grow up to be responsible humans; it’s just that toddlers and even tweens are not my thing.
disappointed mama says
Vent: doc really pushed genetic testing 12 weeks gestation, office said usually it’s $49 if medically indicated (it is). Today lab calls and says that’ll be $950, out of network, or you can pay out of pocket $350 w/o running through insurance. Um. No thanks. Guess we’ll wait for the anatomy ultrasound and hope everything’s okay.
Yes, yes, I have a call in to the doc office to see if they can sort it. Not much hope though.
Anonymous says
At least they checked, right? For me it was worth it to go through insurance because I will hit my out of pocket max with delivery, so I may as well rack it up.
disappointed mama says
I’ll hit the deductible for sure, but I’m hoping to stay in the in-network bucket, because the out of network out of pocket max is double. But yes, I am glad they at least called! Medical billing just frustrates the heck out of me.
Anon says
At least they offered you the option of paying without running insurance! I wanted to pay the $200 out of pocket cost, but it ended up being $950 because I have insurance (with a high-deductible health plan and didn’t meet my deductible that year).
disappointed mama says
That’s crazypants! I cannot figure how any other industry would get away with that kind of arbitrary billing. Like, it’s the same test. The guy at the lab even said, “Oh, we’ll run the test, but we’ll just not mail out the results unless you tell us you’ll pay for it.” They’re just making up numbers for the price.
(Yes, my more rational self understands that the cost is in the research and development, not the individual tests, but let me have my rant, thanks.)
Anon says
Yeah, it’s crazy how variable the price is and how much you can negotiate it. I ended up negotiating with them after the fact (basically told them point blank I wouldn’t pay the $950, they could send it to collections, I don’t care since I own my forever home and don’t need stellar credit) and in the end they accepted something like $250 for it.
ElisaR says
insurance is baffling and so annoying to navigate. i’m sorry!