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My sister-in-law passed down this inflatable tub to me, and I just recommended it to a friend who has a 6-month-old. For an infant, I do recommend going with an infant tub, but this was a great transition item for when my son was able to sit up on his own but would occasionally lose his balance, yet wanted to explore more than an infant tub would allow. I didn’t have to fill up my entire tub, it gave him some space to splash around, and it had soft sides. Plus it’s inexpensive and adorable. It’s $11.90 at Amazon. Inflatable Duck Tub This post contains affiliate links and CorporetteMoms may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!
AwayEmily says
I glanced at this post, saw that it was listed under “nursing/postpartum” and my first thought was “wow, that is a very unique sitz bath.”
Anonymous says
Nearly spit out my coffee!
anon says
LOLOLOLOL!
IHeartBacon says
HAHA!
Maybe it’s for a home birth. ;)
Leatty says
Any tips for dealing with procrastination by a toddler? My 2 year old intentionally takes forever to do anything I ask. Sometimes she does it to be funny (lays upside down for a diaper change), but other times it is just because she doesn’t want to do it yet. I try to give her options, and tell her what is we will be doing next, but those don’t always work.
AwayEmily says
My strategy: first I assess whether I really do need her to go more quickly. If we aren’t actually on a strict deadline, then I just let her do her thing — often I will say something like “okay, I’ll be in the kitchen — let me know when you are ready.” When I’m not paying attention to her dawdling, she quickly loses interest in it and will often finish the task.
If I actually do need her to move more quickly, I give her a choice “Do you want to rinse your toothbrush yourself or would you like me to do it for you?” If she doesn’t make a move, I repeat the choice. Then, I say “okay, it looks like you are telling me you’d like me to do it for you.” 90% of the time, this lights a fire under her and she does it. And if she doesn’t, then I do it for her.
But overall I think staying very calm and not reacting to it is key — the more they see that it bugs you, the more they will do it (at least that’s true for my kids).
AnotherAnon says
Lots of good advice here but wanted to second Away Emily as this seems to work with my 2 y/o. Sometimes you do just need to complete the task so you can get out the door. In those cases, I give a choice, repeat the choice ONCE, then do it myself. When we’re not on a deadline I either engage with the silliness, or announce that I am going to do laundry and to let me know when he’s ready to put his pants on, etc. I will try timers eventually, but he doesn’t seem ready.
Leatty says
Good point on the importance of not reacting. I get frustrated with her sometimes and use my stern-mom voice, but that may actually be hurting more than it is helping.
anon says
I often would distract the toddler by talking about nonsense while going about the task at hand. I wouldn’t usually wait for them to comply. I’d just go about my business, very matter of fact. It’s so much easier than waiting for them to decide whether to comply or put up a fuss.
Me: “Time for a diaper change. Do you think Elmo lives in a nest like Big Bird? Do you think Big Bird uses a blanket? Do bats use blankets if they sleep upside down?” (while laying down kid to change diaper)
Knope says
I’ve become increasingly strict about this with my 2 year old. I give him some leeway to be silly, but when we really need to get going and he is intentionally procrastinating, I start counting to 3. If he does not start making moves towards going where we need him to go by 3, I pick him up and take him myself, which he hates. He’s gotten the idea and is much better about it now (though I still reach “3” about 25% of the time).
Pogo says
That is the essence of toddlerhood. I agree with the other suggestions – key is staying calm and not letting them see it bugs you. And eventually enforcing the action if you have to (“I gave you a choice, you didn’t want to pick a shirt, so now I am picking one for you and putting it on.”)
I also get some mileage out of asking for help: “Can you be a helper and get mommy’s shoes?” “Can you be a helper and come inside so kitty can get his dinner? He’s hungry!”
But really, it’s a constant struggle.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Your daughter might be a little young for this, but we’ve been using timers for our older son, starting when he was a little over 2.5. They’re effective most of the time, although there are definitely times when he still dawdles. It’s also helpful to have him pick the amount of time left (within reason) as it gives him some choice in the matter.
Anonymous says
We also have good luck with timers. Also racing. “Time to go potty before bed. Race you to the bathroom!”
rosie says
I was wondering about this this morning and was thinking maybe it’s time to start using timers. After a lot of bath/shower resistance, we switched to every other night for bath/shower unless kiddo wants more frequently. Last night was an off night, but kiddo requested to take a shower with me. And then lay on the bathmat for a lonnnnngggg time. I asked my husband to come in to get her for bedtime and right then kiddo got in the shower and had to be coaxed to get out. So maybe next time we’ll try a timer? Husband thinks it’s procrastination/delay but I’m not sure if that’s it?
Spirograph says
I love this thing. My friend gave me a bath duck when I was pregnant with my first, and I never even bothered with an infant tub. It’s perfect for 6 months – 2 years, and will fit two kids at a time if they’re both under 3. My only complaint is that filing it was a little inefficient. The duck walls are pretty thick, so you need either a faucet extender, a shower nozzle that does a narrow stream, or some creativity to funnel water into the duck without losing a bunch over the sides.
Anon says
We have it too! Loved it for a make shift bathtub when our bathroom was being renovated, we fill it with water beads, bring it outside for a very urban “pool party” on the sidewalk, etc.
AIMS says
So I used an inflatable tub with my older kiddo to transition to a big tub because she had some water fears and we loved it, I got this one for my little one for the transition and the duck head was a constant balance issue because he’d lean on it and knock himself off balance. We used it maybe 5 times. I’d definitely recommend a different inflatable tub but maybe it’s just my kid.
Anon says
We are still using it at 16 months. Love it!
anon says
Did any of you experience severe vomiting at the end of pregnancy? I’ve been sick throughout this pregnancy but the past week or two I’m getting sick 6 or more times a day. I’m already taking double doses of zofran and trying my best to keep fluids in. My OB is comfortable not hospitalizing me so long as I don’t lose any weight (which I’ve been holding steady but not really gaining). I’m just so frustrated with feeling sick all the time. And I’m trying to catch up as much as I can at work before leave but it’s hard when I feel terrible, and frankly, I have very little support. Last leave I had the support of a very helpful associate that I trusted. This time I have an associate who I don’t trust to be client facing and another associate that has no capacity. Just looking for any tips or tricks. I’m struggling both with being this physically ill constantly and trying to catch up before leave because I have limited ability to delegate.
Anonymous says
If you are that sick and your OB is offering hospitalization, take it! I had hyperemesis throughout my pregnancy and still regret that I didn’t stand up for myself when my OB suggested hospitalization and my husband pushed back with “no, she isn’t THAT sick—she can tough it out.” I later read that IV nausea meds administered in the hospital can help break the cycle of nausea so you continue to feel somewhat better after you are released. I am not a doctor and don’t know whether this is true, but it seems worth a try. If you are dehydrated, constantly nauseated, and vomiting six times a day, there is no way you are doing anything more than just surviving at work anyway. Better just to take some time off and get the rest you need.
octagon says
Take the hospitalization, even for a short stint for the IV meds. I had a friend with HG and it was the only thing that made the last 2 months bearable. I think she ended up doing outpatient IVs 2-3x a week at the end. Zofran didn’t do anything at that point.
If there’s a way that you can do work from a hospital bed, you could consider doing a short stay, too. You’ll feel much better when you get the meds and are properly hydrated. Hang in there!
Pogo says
How close are you to 40w? Can you go out on STD and not compromise too much time w/ baby after the birth? When I had prodromal labor in my last 1.5w the hardest thing for me was not knowing if I was going to give birth every day, so I couldn’t wrap everything up and tap out (I also did not have much help from colleagues at the time – my then-manager was useless, and I didn’t have any direct reports to delegate to). Once I said I was on disability and stopped responding, magically people stepped up. But I only used a few days of my STD before I gave birth, I wasn’t weeks out.
You definitely need to rest up though. The last thing you want is to go into labor exhausted and dehydrated!
anon OP says
Unfortunately still 5 weeks out. Scheduled c section so at least that helps, but this is a good thought to look into STD. I didn’t qualify with my last leave but I had just switched jobs then.
Pogo says
Look into your policy! Mine was super easy to go onto STD, they contacted my OB directly for all the documentation, and while it ran concurrently with FMLA, depending on what other leave you have available it might be worth it (for example, I had PTO and paid paternity leave that did not run concurrent with either STD or FMLA). My company was also willing to let me take additional unpaid leave, though of course without the FMLA protection. All this to say, if you need to go out on STD early and it is the best thing for your health, it is worth investigating the options. The insurance provider in my case also contacted the OB again after the birth to confirm my “return to work”/end of disability date (which isn’t when I went back to work, but they stopped paying the benefit). I’m really glad I went out on STD early and wish I had gone out even earlier given the pain I was in!
Anon says
Not to be alarmist, but is your OB frequently monitoring your blood pressure and urine? Vomiting at the end of pregnancy was an indication that I had developed HELLP syndrome, which can be incredibly dangerous.
Anon says
This was my thought too.
anon OP says
So far all has been normal on that front, but I know it’s scary and to be monitored.
anon says
when is your c section scheduled for? could they deliver you at 37 weeks so you would only be 2 weeks out?
Anonymous says
+1 I would ask for the blood labs to be drawn.
Anonymous says
It sounds like OP and her OB are on top of it, but yeah I had HELLP syndrome with only borderline high urine and blood pressure readings, and mostly vague/mild symptoms. My blood labs were a different story, though. I’m very grateful my OB practice was on top of things and did labs.
Anonymous says
yes, THIS! I developed nausea and vomiting on my due date and couldn’t keep anything down for two days. Blood pressure was normal until the very end. Labwork showed that I had HELLP syndrome.
Artemis says
So, given one of my responses yesterday about job-hunting, for those of you who are looking for new jobs or have looked for one recently, when do you make time to apply? I seem to be having a real mental block trying to figure this out.
I really need to up my application rate, but even the simplest job application takes me close to an hour.
I work full-time and have kids. I’m not comfortable spending time at work applying (even though I have the time while still getting my work done) because I work in local government and I do not have a private office. I mostly apply at night after my kids have gone to bed but often I have other chores that have to be done, and so I might not sit down at my computer until 10 or 10:30 at night, and I can’t pull an all-nighter every time I have a batch of openings. Some nights I can’t even get to it because of other things that have to be done. I don’t want to burn a day off because what if those applications don’t work out, and then I’m just going to have to do it all over again.
Am I missing anything here? What do others do? Is the only solution really to just keep plugging away at night on the nights I can?
Ash. says
Can you work with a recruiter? You send your resume to them one time and they do the rest.
Artemis says
I’ve tried, and these are with recruiters naturally within my network. They take my resume and I never hear anything. It’s not been very good for my self-esteem!
Ash. says
I’m not sure we’re talking about the same thing, I don’t mean applying to an in-house recruiter employed by a company, I mean engaging a private headhunter who has access to numerous opportunities and can farm out your resume for you and help you find a position.
Anonymous says
I’m in the same boat, and curious how headhunters work. I believe they’re paid a fee by the company that hires you, but is there any up-front cost?
Ash. says
In my experience there is no cost to the applicant. You are the commodity, in their business, they are providing you to the businesses that hire them and pay their fees. It’s important to understand this dynamic, but they’re incredibly helpful as an applicant in my experience.
Anonymous says
You need to not be doing other chores! Leave it all for the weekend or your partner if you have one
Boston Legal Eagle says
Could you spend half a weekend day getting through a bunch of applications? I know weekends are busy with kids, but treat it like a work obligation and line up your spouse/other family/babysitter to watch the kids.
Cb says
Agreed, I’d camp out in a library and knock out a bunch of applications.
Anonymous says
Or go to bed early, get up early, and do one application each morning before you are exhausted from the day.
Annie says
This. It was tough but my husband watched our daughter while I went to a coffee shop to get it done.
anon says
Solidarity, sister. There have been some nights where I’ve told my DH, look you’re on kid duty because I need to work on an application. And then I leave the house, because I absolutely cannot concentrate when I’m home. I’ve also taken 2-3 hours of vacation time here and there to work on applications. It’s not my favorite way to spend vacation time, but sometimes it has to be done. There is no easy way out; you have to put your own need for a new job before your other priorities. Not every day, but enough that you’re able to make progress.
anon says
i know this is probably typical behavior, but one of my 13 month old twins laughs when i saw “no.” i try to only use “no” when it is for something that is dangerous (like banging on this air vent we have where she previously cut her finger and it was bleeding). she also is deliberately throwing food, for which i’m trying to take the approach of saying something like “i cannot let you do that, if you don’t want to eat anymore you do not have to” but then if i take her out of her high chair to go play, while her twin sister is finishing eating, she gets really upset that she is stuck behind a gate. DH usually is not home for dinner. they are also starting to push each other down, pull shirts, etc. when one has something the other one wants. any tips for how to handle these situations?
nuqotw says
I think at 13mo if they push each other or the like they just need to be separated. 13mo is not really old enough for self-restraint.
If a food thrower is upset that a meal ended as a result, well, that’s life. We “ended” meals at that age with food throwing. However, after a few minutes the meal is over in the kid’s mind and if you think she’s still hungry there’s nothing wrong or inconsistent about putting her back into her chair to see if she resumes eating.
My 4 year old still laughs when I say no. It’s hilarious to them that parents think “no” ends the conversation.
Anon says
Have any of you pursued some of the alternative / wives tales about ways to become pregnant? (Acupuncture, pineapple, etc.)
I’m 37, my husband is 41. We’ve been trying for 15 months with no luck. We had a full fertility work up at 6 months and everything is good. There’s not a thing wrong with either of us (aside from age). The doctor immediately suggested IVF, but for Reasons, we don’t feel IVF is for us. I admit I’m getting to the point where I’m open to trying unconventional approaches. I’m scared to venture into the crazy world of TTC forums, so I’d welcome any input you sane ladies have. Thanks.
AwayEmily says
I assume you are tracking your cycles closely, using ovulation test strips to see when you are ovulating, etc? I found I had a short luteal phase and so Googled specifically for things to help with that — I can’t remember what now, though — I think maybe a type of B vitamin? But searching for something to help with that specifically was a little less overwhelming than just searching “can’t get pregnant help,” so I guess my recommendation would be to try and narrow it down to some likely issues and try to address those.
All that being said — I have a friend who had the same issue as you. Absolutely nothing “wrong” with either party that any test could detect. They tried for three years, then did IVF, and she is due in September.
Anon says
Yes, thanks – read TCOYF, tracking my (regular) cycles, and using OPKs for confirmation.
anne-on says
Apologies if you’ve already done this, but have you read taking charge of your fertility and/or charted your cycles? I have PCOS and a long, but very regular cycle. If I hadn’t been aware of that and planned out our times to try accordingly I don’t know that I’d ever have gotten pregnant – for me, my normal cycle is 35-38 days, not 28-30. I also got one of the clear blue easy ovulation testers which was a cinch to use.
CPA Lady says
Have you read “Taking Charge of your Fertility”? I didn’t go full blown charting and temping and all that, but it was really helpful to read to make sure we were doing it at the right time based on the other changes in my body. Now that we’re done procreating, DH has had the snip and I’m not on any BC, and it’s cool to see the things that the book talked about happen each month.
Anonymous says
I have a tendency towards allergies. I cut out antihistamines but upped the guafeneisen (the stuff in mucinex). Interwebs had suggested that antihistamines can be anti-swimmers getting through but mucinex was swimmer-favorable.
I can’t say it worked, but it didn’t hurt (kid @ 38, kid @ 39).
Anonymous says
I mean, do you want to be pregnant or not? “Reasons” is a ridiculous way to make this choice and no, pineapple won’t fix it or IVF wouldn’t be a thing.
Anon says
Some people have religious objections to IVF; others don’t want to put their bodies through it. All valid. Her reasons, not yours.
HSAL says
That’s so rude. Even if it’s unlikely that the alternative methods will work, someone not sharing their reasons with you isn’t ridiculous.
Anonymous says
Sorry, I won’t waste any time sugar coating this.
Anon says
I read “Reasons” as meaning she has well-defined reasons but doesn’t want to share them. Not “oh I don’t want to do IVF but I don’t know why.” Fwiw.
Anonymous says
Oh yeah that’s very different than my read. I usually see “Reasons” to mean Like inexplainable irrational reasons not legit reasons I’m not sharing with you. My apologies! I thought the usage was common.
Anonymous says
I always read “Reasons” with a capital R to mean legit reasons that the person doesn’t want to (or doesn’t have time to, or whatever) get into at the moment.
Anonymous says
I don’t think any of the old wives tales work, but things like staying very hydrated and not taking anything that is dehydrating can help (like cutting antihistamines as PP said).
Has your doctor mentioned IUI? I know a lot of people that started with that rather than jumping straight to IVF.
Anonymous says
I tend to be anxious and the thought of temping/ovulation monitors etc stressed me out. I figured that couldn’t be good for fertility if I was stressed out/anxious, so DH and I decided to use the every other day method from What to Expect When You’re Expecting. Work travel made that hard sometimes but we stuck doing the deed every other day whenever we were in the same city. I got pregnant first cycle with my first pregnancy and second cycle with my second pregnancy. We tried to keep it interesting by using different rooms in the house (can’t do that very often post kids), and different times of day (Saturday afternoon, early morning before a work trip). YMMV vary of course but it worked for us and per What to Expect, it’s relatively successful for others.
As a personal variation, I made a point of lying down with my hips elevated on a pillow afterwards for 20 mins.
Anon says
I know you’re just trying to help, but if you got pregnant on your first and second cycle I’m not sure you’re in a position to say what works for infertility. It sounds like you just don’t have fertility issues period – I really don’t think the pillow trick or different rooms in the house had anything to do with that.
Anonymous says
OP asked “Have any of you pursued some of the alternative / wives tales about ways to become pregnant? (Acupuncture, pineapple, etc.)”
I did sort of use old wives tales (every other day method with random variations to reduce my stress) which is why I responded. Different rooms obviously has zero effect on fertility but when you’re doing the deed every second day, a little variety is nice. I mentionned the pillow thing only because I was used to going to the washroom and cleaning up right after doing the deed before we started TTC and it was a conscious effort to try and not immediately clean up.
I haven’t had formal fertility testing but my family history would not suggest amazing fertility. My sister had 6 pregnancies and 2 kids. My 4 female first cousins have 2 children between them despite years of trying starting in their late 20s and multiple rounds of IUI and IVF.
anon says
That are the words that OP used, but I think it’s a little obtuse to reply “here’s what worked for me” when you got pregnant so quickly and the OP the OP has been trying for 15 months. Like explaining how a little variety is nice when you’re trying every other day for a month or two is not helpful to someone who’s been trying for 15 months. And FWIW I don’t put that in the old wives tale category — things like ovulation & timing are pretty established scientific things.
Anon says
Every other day is not an old wives tale! It’s totally based in science and is the first thing my OB mentioned to me when I told her we had been trying for ~6 months.
IHeartBacon says
FYI, I think you were being unfairly attacked for offering the OP your experience. She said she had a full fertility work up, so I would expect her to be well-versed in all the science-based information. I mean, the OP asked about pineapple. She clearly just wanted anecdotes.
anon says
I mean, ok, but do you see how an anecdote about how she got pregnant right away is not exactly helpful or compassionate in a question about dealing with infertility? The takeaway from that anecdote kind of reads as “relax and have s** a lot” which is great and I am so happy that that worked for her quickly, but it just not helpful for someone who has been doing that for over a year.
Signed,
I didn’t think I would try pineapple, but after 15+ months of trying “naturally” with every other day and then fertility treatments, you can bet I was doing all sorts of stuff to try to increase the odds of IVF working (that is, a different perspective)
IHeartBacon says
Well, if someone asked me for my story and I was comfortable sharing it, I’d share it. Whether the recipient found it helpful is up to the recipient. The commenter didn’t come across as rude or mean. I’d hate for us to start trying to sensor non-rude, non-mean commenters. Not all advice/recommendations click, but when an OP poses a question, more answers are better than none.
anon says
I am not at all advocating for censorship, and I realize that people say things here that they wouldn’t say to someone in real life. But speaking very honestly, because I think people who have not experienced fertility issues have trouble grasping this (I know I sure did pre-TTC), this kind of thing is not helpful, and it would hurt me if a friend said this to me in a IRL conversation like this. I know it wouldn’t be intentionally so, but it still hurts.
IHeartBacon says
Fair enough.
Anonymous says
Also, I wasn’t the original Anon@1:44 who called her out and wouldn’t have done so myself, but the response where she kind of doubled down got to me.
octagon says
Have you discussed with a doctor other, assisted methods that are short of IVF? For example an HSG to make sure your tubes are clear followed by an IUI could be an option for you.
Anonymous says
This. There are plenty of options between pineapple and IVF.
anonnnn says
I did acupunture for messed up cycles (PCOS) and fertility in general. I have no idea if it helped (I also made a few other changes) but I did get pg shortly thereafter. If nothing else, it is an enforced lie-down-and-close-your-eyes time, which is good for stress (and stress is proven to affect fertility). I say give it a shot with a practitioner experienced with fertility issues.
Anon says
i thought the stress explanation had been disproven as a myth
So Anon says
I had unexplained infertility in my 20s, so I tried all things. I would agree that there are many options between pineapple and IVF, and it is at least worth having the conversation with your doc. You mentioned that your doc recommended IVF – are you seeing a RE or a regular OB? If you have not checked with a RE, I would highly recommend going that route. An OB is more likely to see a wide range of normal, whereas an RE will hone in more quickly on potential issues.
As to your original question: I could not handle temping and found it stressful and unreliable. Ovulation predictor kits, however, were more reliable and less stressful. When we were going through AR, I also went to an acupuncturist. I got pregnant on the IUI cycle where I was doing acupuncture. Maybe it was coincidence? Either way, I tried all the things and I cannot tell you exactly what worked.
Infertility Chick says
I did acupuncture with a fertility specialist for almost a full year. Two months after I finally stopped, I got pregnant (via IVF, after 3 failed IUI cycles and over a year of trying naturally unsuccessfully). I was 31 years old. The acupuncture definitely helped me relax, but I think that’s about all it did. Good luck to you! I know this journey can be really hard. FWIW, my first child was IVF but my second, born 22 months later, was a total surprise :) The body is mysterious!
Anonymous says
I did acupuncture during my IVF cycles. Don’t know if it helped or if it would have helped while we were trying naturally or with the IUIs, but I did get pregnant with both IVFs. I agree that, at the very least, the acupuncture helped me to relax but it’s worth a shot – I went to a fertility specialist, twice a week (each session was about 30 min). Oh and I was 37.
My friend also went to an Asian herbalist and got pregnant about a month or so later.
Anonymous says
We used OPKs (clearblue east digital). I ate pineapple and did not take ibuprofin. The weird ibuprofen advice came from a family member who is a doctor. You need a slight inflammatory response for an egg to implant and ibuprofen is an anti-inflammatory. It worked! And we had zero problem getting pregnant with number 2.
Honestly though…you two ARE older and egg/sperm quality are issues past 35. Especially for first time pregnancy. You can look up the stats on first time pregnancy past 35 vs multiparous pregnancy past 35. Basically if you’ve had a kid before, usually your fertility past 35 is good still. But if you haven’t it’s much more difficult.
Anon says
I don’t think there’s any evidence whatsoever to support your last sentence.
Anon says
Or last two sentences rather.
Anonymous says
Yeah, this line of reasoning doesn’t hold water. It’s not that having a child before 35 somehow preserves your fertility, it’s that if you have underlying fertility issues then you are less likely to get pregnant than someone the same age without fertility issues. An old egg is still an old egg. It doesn’t care whether you’ve been pregnant before.
Anonymous says
Yeah, I realize this is anecdata but I know lots of people (me, sister, mom, grandma, MIL, SIL) who had a first baby post-35 and a ton of people who struggled with secondary infertility (at all ages). I don’t think having one baby makes you more fertile or extends your fertility and I don’t see why it would.
Anonymous says
“Infertility less likely in those with children” NYT 2013 https://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/08/15/infertility-less-likely-in-women-with-children/
Anonymous says
I’ve known multiple people who were unable to get pregnant until they stopped running, though they were pretty serious about running/fitness. I didn’t really pry so I can’t explain why it mattered, something about body fat I think?
Anonymous says
Can’t be bothered to G-search but I think running more than 25km a week is associated with reduced fertility.
Anon says
I think you really need to talk to an RE if you haven’t already. People think old wives remedies work because some people get pregnant who are trying them – but that doesn’t mean the “remedy” caused the pregnancy, just that a lot of people who struggle to get pregnant *do* get pregnant eventually if given enough time.
If you continue trying without medical assistance, you may get pregnant. But you also might not. Either way, the research shows that pineapple, laying on a pillow, etc., are almost certainly not going to make a difference.
Signed, someone who spent 5 years struggling with unexplained infertility and eventually got pregnant with the help of modern medicine.
IHeartBacon says
This.
Signed, someone who spent nearly 10 years struggling with unexplained infertility and eventually got pregnant only with the help of modern medicine.
rosie says
I suggest trying acupuncture. I did it for IUIs, IVF, pregnancy, miscarriage, the works and found it so helpful to have another professional to talk to and help me (there is research showing increased positive IVF outcomes w/acupuncture. Your acupuncturist may also have diet suggestions (my acupuncturist is amazing — will suggest diet changes based on TCM but isn’t pushy, says “shoot for 80% with this diet” — you don’t want something that will add to your stress).
I also suggest talking to an RE if you haven’t already. Find someone you trust that will take the time to answer all your questions. Seeing an RE & diagnostic testing (if you haven’t done so already) don’t mean you have to do IVF.
NYCer says
I have a friend about your age who struggled to get pregnant for over a year (naturally, IUI and IVF) and then got pregnant a few months after incorporating acupuncture (albeit via IVF). Who knows if it actually made any difference, but she did say that she enjoyed the acupuncture!
Torn says
PreK question. My kid is a mid December baby. Our public school year is a strict calendar year, meaning that she would eligible for preK this September even though she won’t be 4 until winter. She’d be the littlest one in her class. If we send her to private school the cut off is September so she wouldn’t start preK until next year. Our initial plan was to just send her to public school now and see what happens. If it doesn’t work out, we would still have options to reconsider. Private school in our area is super pricey and public schools are good.
But the last year she’s been in a wonderful language immersion preschool that we really love. We want her to continue with the 2nd language but they follow the private school calendar; their classes for 3 year olds run in the mornings only and only 4 year olds can take afternoon classes that would work with an ‘after school’ schedule. I already asked if our kiddo could go to the 4s class, but they said no. If they had a full time program, we would just stick to it. But as is, it’s either preK and no immersion program or immersion program 2 days a week and no preK. I suppose we could enroll her in a 2nd preschool for the other days of the week but obviously that’s an added expense and would be a serious stretch.
I’m not sure what my question is but I guess just looking for perspectives…. what would you all do? Is it totally nuts to try to enroll her in preK but not send her twice a week? Would we get kicked out? Does pre-k have a curriculum such that it matters?
Anonymous says
IDK.
I have kid with a late June birthday who is the youngest kid in her class by far. She went to a very nurturing preschool with no pre-K program and no real curriculum. I had a psychologist do some testing (wpsi?) to see if she was really ready for K when she turned 5 and it seemed that she was so we sent her and didn’t redshirt (redshirting is rampant in our city with public schools and even worse in private ones; we are in public). She didn’t have any issues. She’s now going into 4th.
Anonymous says
You can’t send her to public school part time. The school will no accept that
Anonymous says
+1 – it would make life really hard for the teacher too. They have to do assessments and show progress on various skills.
Torn says
I didn’t think so. It was just sort of a last ditch effort to make it all work. Redshirting is not allowed in our public school. So if we skip this year we go straight into K. And if she misses this year of the immersion programs, she probably won’t be ready to go after school at 4 because they learn reading and letters next year. So if we choose public we basically forego the immersion program and I’m trying to figure out how I can make it work. Which wouldn’t be an issue if her bday was just 2 weeks later.
Anonymous says
But she’s going to stop immersion in K anyway, right? I am not sure it matters that much long-term if you stop it one year earlier, does it? (I guess it depends what your goals are for immersion).
Anonymous says
Wait sorry, I didn’t see your note about afterschool immersion. Ignore me.
Anonymous says
Pre K plus an afterschool nanny with the immersion language. That should keep her caught up on the language stuff so she can do K and then the afterschool immersion program next year.
GCA says
I think you have to make a hard decision here between the language immersion and the benefits of public pre-K.
What has your childcare solution been for the other 3 days of the week that she’s not in language immersion?
What other opportunities are there for similar language immersion (nanny who speaks the language rather than afterschool care) if she were to go to public pre-K?
Anonymous says
PreK is not necessary if your kid knows how to function in a group setting; can recognize her letters, shapes, and colors; knows how a book functions (start at the beginning, turn pages one at a time from front to back); and can handle a pencil, scissors, and a glue stick. My daughter went straight from play-based preschool to kindergarten and did just fine.
Io says
It doesn’t seem like you are in NYC, though it’s the only place I know of with the super strict calendar year and public preK. On the off chance you are NYC based, there’s no need to choose between the two: PreK is not zoned and so you can look for a preK language immersion program in the city. I know of one Spanish and three French ones in Brooklyn. (Though we went with a racial justice based /social emotional learning option). If you are in NYC get thee to the DOE website and find all the preK Language immersion programs and start calling the parent coordinators (since acceptances went out at the beginning of May). Also, if you’re considering French, make sure you don’t choose a Creole French school.
Anon says
Would the language immersion continue in to elementary school? How? If the difference is between public pre-k or language immersion for another year (two?), I would pick the pre-k. If the language immersion doesn’t continue, she is not going to remember the language long-term.
rosie says
I mean, my kid is younger so we’re not there yet, but I think I’d keep going w/the immersion (with whatever nanny arrangement you need to support that), and then go to public school for K when your kid can do the immersion as afterschool. You miss out on the public pre-k, but it sounds like the immersion preschool is something that’s going well and is important to you.
Torn says
Thanks all for your thoughts. There’s no dual language preK options with our immersion language unfortunately. Maybe we can find a weekend program though. For those of you who had kids go straight to K from preschool without a formal preK, please share how that went.
LittleBigLaw says
Can we talk about our own moms this morning since I’m struggling with mine? TL:DR How would you deal with your mom if she wasn’t supportive of your career?
My mom quit her job when I was very young to be a “SAHM” (I use quotes because she never really stopped working and instead managed several of my parents’ entrepreneurial ventures through the years.) We’ve always been very different people but were very close until I had children of my own. Since then, it’s like our instincts are just diametrically opposed on all things kid-related and we don’t know how to relate to each other at all anymore. Even though she’s always been very proud of my accomplishments, she doesn’t seem to understand my choices to pursue a demanding career, have my kids in full-time daycare, or -gasp!- go to a book club or date night once in a while. Lately, she’s been making backhanded comments that seem fine from the outside but are driving me bananas. For example, whenever she keeps my kids, she makes a huge show about how much they have missed me when I pick them up, how “they just needed their mommy,” etc. A few months after I accepted a demanding new position last year, she asked me if I thought my kids were “suffering” with all the hours I was working. And most recently, she expressed similar concerns to my DH while I was away on a business trip. It’s infuriating.
I love my job, and I know my kids are thriving in a lot of ways, directly and indirectly, because of it. I also know my mom thinks I’m a good mother. She just thinks it would be better for my children if I had a less demanding, more predictable job, I guess? I also try to remind myself that my mom was only in the workforce for a very short time and that she and my dad (just like all her friends and family) have a very traditional marriage. She just doesn’t have any frame of reference for what a bread-winning working-mom-by-choice looks like. Rationally, I get all this and try to brush her attitude off. But it makes it really hard to spend time with her when she’s constantly expressing her “concern” and tacit disapproval.
She’s an excellent grandmother and I’m not willing to limit her time with our family. Plus, I just miss my mom, and I hate the resentment and defensiveness that I’m feeling toward her. Working motherhood is a pretty lonely experience in a lot of ways anyway, and I hate not being able to have my mom as a resource and sounding board like I have in other areas of my life. Unfortunately, a long, cathartic talk isn’t likely to resolve our issues based on past experience. So, I guess my question is how do I maintain/regain a positive relationship with my mom without letting her comments and attitude affect my confidence, my feelings toward her, or both?
ElisaR says
i struggle with a similar situation. My job is fairly flexible and not crazy BigLaw hours and my mom (and MIL and GMIL) make comments similar to the ones you describe. Maybe I’m sensitive to it also (example: my MIL gifted me a cookie making tool of some sort – I don’t even really know what it is but I was like ehhhhh I’m not home making cookies). I may have overreacted to that gift (in my head, I didn’t say anything to her). Anyway, I have had a lot of talks with my mom about this. I know you say a long cathartic talk won’t likely help but it has helped me a bit. I think my mom gets it even if she still makes these comments from time to time. My only advice is to remind yourself that this situation is what’s best for you and your family, despite any comments assuming that is not the case. I’m told I’m over-sensitive to this topic but I don’t know, it’s just hard to be defending my choices (which I didn’t really feel were choices due to my circumstances). This is a verbose response that is not that helpful, sorry.
Anon says
My mom is the same way. She was a SAHM and often comments that my kids would be happier if I was home more. She also expects nothing of my husband and thinks he’s a saint for helping with the kids, probably because my dad never did anything kid related. Thus far I’ve just ignored her comments, even though they sting.
My parents are just at the point of retiring now and are really struggling to afford retirement. A big part of this is that my mom chose not to work, including for the past 15 years that we’ve been out of the house. I think it’s opened her eyes a bit to the benefit of two incomes.
Redux says
My mom is the same and what helped was to tell her very frankly that what she was saying was hurtful. Not a long, cathartic talk, but instead a rather brief, frank one. It helped me to say out loud to her that she was hurting my feelings and it helped to hear her tell me that she was not actively trying to undermine my choices. The comments have lessened significantly since then and when they do crop up I usually say something like, ouch that’s hurtful, or some other flag and she usually reels it in.
Anonymous says
This. It doesn’t seem like your mother is coming from a place of ill-will and it sounds like you otherwise have a good relationship, so I would definitely go this route. I would tell her frankly that you are happy with the decisions you’ve made for your family and your career, you don’t see either suffering based on those decisions, and that her comments which undermine these decisions are hurtful and not helpful. My mom has said things in the past like this (as has my MIL) and I think she didn’t even realize they hurt me.
anon says
agreed. talk to your mom, particularly since you otherwise have a good relationship. tell her it is hurtful when she says those things. your mom could also be projecting her own insecurities or regrets onto you.
Anonymous says
No solutions but all the empathy. My mom cannot seem to understand that my parenting choices, when different from hers, are not a commentary on the choices she made. Honestly, becoming a parent has made our relationship more distance even though I see her more frequently.
anne-on says
You have alll my empathy. Both my MIL and mother made (and make) these kinds of cracks. Honestly, I didn’t have great relationships with either of them before so I’ve pulled waaaay back. I did try to communicate that these comments were hurtful which stopped by MIL from making them (to me, in my house, in my hearing, but not to my husband?!?) and my own mother didn’t seem to understand why on earth I’d be hurt. Sigh.
I facilitate grandparent interactions with my kiddo but if you’re going to attack a major part of my life and criticize my choices then nope, you’ve just relinquished your right to a closer relationship. Sorry not sorry.
I very much hope for your sake that your mom is open to your feedback and actually makes a change to her behavior.
double-bingo says
I think I know what the answer will be, but I feel like I need to ask anyway, since I can’t really talk about it with coworkers or people I know. I have been asked to be on the planning/host committee for a conference next spring. I am fairly junior, so it’s exciting/a big deal for me to be asked. It would get me more visibility in my practice area (I’m a lawyer in a niche practice) and would be a great networking opportunity. However, we are TTC #2, and if we succeed anytime in the next 3-4 months, I will either have super tiny baby, or be very pregnant at the time of the conference, which would involve travel.
I know the usual advice here is to proceed in professional life as if you won’t be pregnant, and adjust accordingly if it does happen. But I would hate to make this commitment, do all the planning work, and then have to miss the conference itself. It’s not such a great opportunity that I’m willing to change my TTC plans, but I do worry that saying no now will lessen my chances of being asked again later.
Anonymous says
What’s the advantage to saying no thanks?
Anon says
If you have a tiny baby can you go and bring the baby? If it’s such a great opportunity make your partner take time off work to play nanny for you that week. I would definitely not bow out because of a baby you may or may not conceive.
anon says
Yes I would proceed as if you won’t be pregnant. I’ve been in a similar position, and I think your contacts and benefits will come from being involved in the planning and getting to know those on the committee rather than attending the conference itself. So I would take comfort in that even if you have to miss the conference, you will still get visibility and credibility from that process. And, if things go haywire and you have to step down or something (as I’ve had to do with a committee during pregnancy), it happens and people will care less than you think.
OP says
Thanks, this is what I needed to hear – that the process itself and not the conference will be valuable.
Pogo says
+1. I was the lead for an strategic initiative during my pregnancy and got a ton of value out of it even though I had to step down for the last 3 months because I was on leave. I also came back during my leave for an event that I was being honored at (wasn’t involved in the planning at all, but wanted to receive my award/attend the dinner).
Ash. says
Don’t plan around getting pregnant if you’re not pregnant yet. All the luck to you, but tons of people aren’t able to TTC within the first 3-4 months of trying. And I agree with the other comments that being selected for the role is a benefit in and of itself, even if for some reason you can’t attend the conference.
Ash. says
Also, how would you possibly graciously decline in a way that would leave open the possibility that they would ask again? “Sorry, I can’t, I’m TTC and might be pregnant at the time of the conference”? My understanding is that these tend to be one-shot deals, where if you remove yourself from consideration one year, you’re off the list forever because they assume you’re not that interested.
Irish Midori says
Agree. TTC is different from having an actual positive test and a due date, so it’s all hypothetical right now. I do think if that changes, you’d be a champ to speak up about it when you know (or not to soon after, anyway), but you can still plan a conference while pregnant even if it turns out you have to miss out on the actual event. You’ll look like even more of a superhero if they acknowledge you at the event and then say you couldn’t be there because you just had a baby. ;-)
anne-on says
+1. I was about 6 months pregnant at my one big yearly conference and people were SUPER impressed by my performance, that I was physically on site, and I feel like it earned me a ton of brownie points/flexibility when I came back. Making those senior level contacts and showing that you can put in the work is also huge, I wouldn’t pass this up on a hypothetical.
Anon says
I was in a similar position on the planning committee of a big event for a couple years out of which I 1) had a baby 2 weeks before the event, 2) determined I was having a miscarriage while I was at the conference and had a friend take me home (I’m sorry that’s sad), 3) had another baby 1 week before the event. It was still great for the professional experience and networking. 90% of the work (and the interesting work of planing in my opinion) happens before the event.
Anonymous says
I say do it and if you get pregnant figure it out then. Even if you do get pregnant and stay pregnant, you could still attend – travel by ground instead of air, travel to the conference with your young baby (they sleep all the time in the first few weeks), leave the baby with your spouse/mom/best friend (see above: all the baby will do is sleep and eat). Even if you don’t end up attending, being involved in the planning will help with networking and likely allow you to be involved in planning (and attend) in future years.
Anoner says
Potty training advice! We trained my 2.5 year old son a few weeks ago and he’s doing great except for public restrooms. He’ll say he has to go but then refuses when we get there (we have a travel potty that goes on top of the toilet). He then is like a camel and holds it for a while til we get home. Any advice? Will this just go away? Thanks!
AwayEmily says
It will definitely go away (and I’m impressed he can hold it til home! That’s a useful skill in a toddler). In the meantime, my only suggestion is to be extra aggressive about modeling — let him see you go in the public restroom, and show him it’s a normal/fun thing to do. Since my daughter potty trained i’ve tried to be especially positive about public restrooms. I get excited about them (“wow, look! This one has purple walls! And a new kind of hand dryer!”), I let her pick the stall, and I never express any feelings about being grossed out or nervous (this can be difficult in horrific gas station potties). I also let her flush, which she finds fun (then we wash hands thoroughly).
Anonymous says
It will go away, but one thing that worked for me was actually sitting on the toilet with my son in my lap – in front of me, between my legs. Also, those hand dryers are the devil, as are automatic flushers.
HSAL says
I think you mentioned this here recently and the visual of that cracks me up whenever I think about it when taking one of my kids to the bathroom. I love it.
ElisaR says
me too…. the things we do for our kids!
So Anon says
A post-it note over the sensor will keep the automatic flusher from going off. I kept a stack in my purse for a while because my son was terrified it would go off while he was on the potty.
Yes, it does go away but practice and exposure help too. My little boy who was absolutely terrified of the hand dryers and automatic flushers and therefore refused to go, is now 8 and handles it like a champ. Actually, except on planes and trains, where the toilet moves under his feet. He still gets freaked there.
Irish Midori says
I still get freaked out about airplane toilets. They move and they are LOUD. Solidarity!
Annie says
YMMV but we bribe our daughter with a cookie.
Anoner says
Thank you all! These are great ideas. I may bring him on my lap with me.
Anon says
We brought this around with us at first, and in a public place we would offer the option to put it over the seat but also let kiddo choose to set it fully up on the floor (in the public restroom) and go in the disposable bag you get for it, which she often chose. Eventually she moved to just going in the regular potty, but it helped in between.
OXO Tot 2-in-1 Go Potty for Travel – Gray https://www.amazon.com/dp/B071GV1VYY/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_QSrcDbMDZEM7S
Anonymous says
My toddlers have a hard time in bug, loud, busy bathrooms (so zoo at opening time, fine, so 2 hours later when the bathroom is full of people, no go). Can you try easing him in with single stall/family bathrooms rather than the busier kind?
Anonymous says
Does anyone here work for the general counsel office of a federal agency? I’m thinking about looking for a position that is close to being 40 hours a week and my husband keeps telling me to look into the opening at his agency. I am currently a mid-level biglaw associate in litigation, so this would be a big change.
So if you work in the general counsel office for a government agency do you like it? Is it at least somewhat engaging? Do you stick to 40 hours a week working? I want to hear from you!
octagon says
Depends on the agency and the type of work you will be doing. In my agency most of the jobs are 40ish hours a week, but from time to time the hours swell up if there are amicus briefs due or litigation support needed. Never to biglaw levels though – we’re talking more like 50-60 hours, and only for a week or two at a time.
Anonymous says
Do you like the work? Did you work in private practice before going government? I always thought I would go to an enforcement role after leaving biglaw, but I think those roles have longer hours and I just really want more time off of work with my baby at this point. I’m not as familiar with what the day-to-day would be like in a general counsel office setting.
Anon says
At some agencies, the Office of General Counsel includes enforcement and litigation in addition to your traditional OGC functions of admin, etc. Without knowing more about the position, we can’t say if it will be interesting or 40-hours a week. I know that I find my OGC position interesting and it is 40-hours a week. Something about your post seems to suggest that OGC positions are uninteresting and unchallenging, and I would ask yourself why you think that. Maybe this specific position isn’t for you, but it doesn’t mean that others wouldn’t be.
Anonymous says
This is a really good point. The particular role I was looking at looks to be heavily involving government contract work. I didn’t mean to imply it would be uninteresting/unchallenging, but rather that I have limited familiarity with non-litigation positions so I have a hard time knowing if it would be a good fit. I’m pretty eager to leave litigation behind because of the combativeness and roller coaster schedules, so I’m looking into positions I hadn’t given much thought to when I was all-in on litigation as a junior associate.
Anon Mama says
I need to negotiate maternity leave. My firm’s policy is 6 weeks paid, additional time unpaid at discretion of firm leadership. I can afford the unpaid time and want to take as much as I can, because my experience has been poor sleepers for babies, and I don’t think well on interrupted sleep. I went back too early with my first, and it was a disaster on a lot of fronts–not doing that again. So: How long is TOO long so that I lose touch with my cases and clients (and partners) forget about me? Also: I have flirted with the idea of going back on a weird schedule through the remainder of the spring school semester, working 7 a.m. to 3:30 p.m. or something so I can be home for my older kids getting off the bus from school rather than putting them in after school care. In my experience, baby will get up at 4:30 anyway, so I might as well get work done while the office is quiet. But will that create an unavailability problem for me in the afternoons, or signal a lack of commitment?
For reference, I’m at a small-mid size law firm. I’m a senior associate, within striking range of partnership, so I have about an even mix of cases where I’m primary vs. secondary. A coworker is about to return from maternity leave. I think she’ll wind up being out about 16 weeks (which seems pretty good to me).
Anonymous says
I would do 16 weeks and then ask for a 3-6 month ramp up period to work the 8am-3pm schedule or whatever.
Pogo says
I think I did about 18w total and that was a perfect amount of time for me. But it’s kind of a personal question and dependent on how involved you plan to stay, who will take over your work, etc.
Anonymous says
Sorry, this is a bit off-topic. I work at a medium-sized law firm in a medium-sized city in the Midwest. I’m always surprised when BigLaw folks worry about missing the time from 3:30ish-6:00ish. That time is dead at my office. It’s mostly because outside boards and activities often meet from 4-5 in my city. There’s hardly any attorneys in my office at that time – the older folks and attorneys with stay at home spouses are off at their community board meetings and parents of kids in activities are off doing their thing (either shuttling kids or also at meetings). Really the only attorneys in my office after 4:00 are young associates without kids who haven’t found their places in the community yet. Folks looking for face time at my office should be there from about 9:30 – 11:30 (after early morning board meetings but before lunch meetings) and about 1:30-3:30.
Anon Atty says
I’ll be the debbie downer and say no more than 12 weeks. 12 weeks is the FMLA guaranteed leave at large employers. My small firm considers it very generous to voluntarily protect your job for 12 weeks when they otherwise are not legally obligated to. We get 8 weeks paid, 4 weeks unpaid. However, we have state law protected leave for the period of disability related to pregnancy so if you ended up on bed rest your last trimester you would still be protected. I’m also assuming you are in the US.
Anon says
+1 – I worked at a small law firm pre-kids. They expected to give new mothers 8 weeks paid and thought they were being incredibly generous when they let an associate take 12 weeks total (additional 4 weeks unpaid). Unfortunately, from talking to friends at other small firms, this attitude is the norm for small law firms and my firm was better than average for having paid leave at all. 16-18 weeks seems really really excessive to me – I’m now in-house at a major company and 12 weeks paid is all we have here. The only people I know who got 16+ weeks were in tech or Big Law, which are both well-known for offering generous maternity leaves.
Anonymous says
My small law firm had 7 weeks paid and 18 total, the remainder unpaid. And my current state (different state) protects 18 weeks for all but the tiniest employers.
Ms B says
I was a partner at what passes for Midlaw when The Kid came along. As a result, FMLA was not an option, and because of me being me, I was not willing to be out of the office for months when I had matters pending and clients I wanted to keep out of the grasping clutches of other people.
I found it easier to plan to be out for 12 weeks, with the understanding that I would retain my fixed monthly draw, but my bonus would be determined based on my actual time. What actually happened and worked out for me was being out of the office for three weeks and then starting back three days a week from 9 to 1:30 p.m., with a couple full days thrown in for big hearings or closings. I also found it pretty easy to get in an hour or two a day remotely on days I did not make it in to the office and ended up billing 60 to 70 hours a month. As a result, I was able to stretch my leave out to about 14 weeks to accommodate holidays and then to have additional flexibility for the transition to daycare for a few more weeks. Note that I did not have to deal with physical recovery because The Kid joined the family via adoption, but I did have the challenge of going from “not a parent” to “parent” without prior notice in under 24 hours, which has its own issues.
TL:DR; if you are able to take the compensation hit (and for me, it was a material hit), you may have more success coming back part time earlier to give yourself a longer on-ramp back to full time.
Anonymous says
Not to dismiss your experience as an adoptive parent, which I am sure has its own unique challenges, but it is a whole lot easier to go back to work after three weeks when you haven’t started parenthood already physically destroyed from pregnancy and childbirth and sleep-deprived from labor and the hospital, and when you aren’t nursing. Maternity/paternity leave for bonding purposes is not the same thing as maternity leave for physical recovery, and it drives me crazy that society lumps them together in the same category. Every new parent should get a certain amount of parental leave for bonding purposes, and people who have given birth should get additional, separate time for physical recovery.
Anonymous says
This.
Ms B says
In most law firms, time out of the office is time out of the office, more or less regardless of reason. OP asked about doing a non-traditional leave (at least relative to her firm’s policy) and I hoped to provide some insight, particularly so that she can consider ways to mitigate the impact of a longer leave on client and firm relationships.
Anonymous says
Understood, but I don’t think it’s reasonable to suggest she go back part-time after 3 weeks.
Anon says
I found your insight helpful and interesting, but I also agree with the commenter than 3 weeks out of the office is not a reasonable expectation for OP or any women who giving birth. In addition to the physical recovery, daycares really don’t take 3 week old babies (that I know of anyway!) and I doubt a nanny would either.
Anon says
Agreed that 3 weeks is nowhere near enough for physical recovery. Any OBGYN will sign off on 6 or 8 weeks of sick leave depending on the form of delivery, so you should have at least that much for physical recovery, bonding aside.
IHeartBacon says
Hmmm… this is another comment where I think you are being unfairly attacked for offering your experience. I will mention though that I do agree with some of the other commenters about how your perspective doesn’t exactly align with with what the OP asked (since she specifically said she returned to work too soon after her first and wanted to avoid the same mistake this time), but I don’t feel the need to censor you about it. Not sure why other folks felt the need to. If I was the OP and I didn’t connect with your comment, I would just move on to next one.
Anon says
Not strictly a parenting question, but how do you get back on track at work after months of unproductivity? Between some vacations, family (not kid) obligations and toddler starting daycare and all the associated illnesses, I’ve probably only worked about 50% of the workdays in 2019. My job is such that I don’t really have strict deadlines, but I am judged on my productivity and I feel like I’ve accomplished next to nothing this year so far and need to fix that stat. Oh also toddler is waking up a lot more at night (due to teething and/or illness) and I’m exhausted.
Anonymous says
I have not had this exact issue but it sounds like you need a restart. Some time to catch up on sleep and to catch up on work. Shortly after returning from maternity leave, I put in substantially more hours at work than I usually worked. I would got the time in by going in extra early… leaving as soon as the baby went back to sleep from a feeding in the middle of the night. It was not my preference to be working so early in the morning but as I knew I would not fall back asleep easily, at least some of the work was done.
lsw says
Do you ever feel like you’re doing it all wrong? My son is almost three and isn’t potty trained (he has zero interest, refuses to go), he’s always tracked a bit behind verbally (got him evaluated at 2 and didn’t qualify for early intervention), and recently he’s been having a lot of anger that doesn’t seem to be based in anything. He refuses to engage in any sort of calm down behavior (they try deep breathing and counting at school, we try “stomp three times” at home). He’s extremely stubborn. After he feels his feelings he’s fine but it’s a brutal five or ten minutes of hitting, us or himself, throwing toys, and yelling. We say “we won’t let you hit” and “you may not throw your toys” and take them away but it’s such a frustrating grind. I feel like an awful parent sometimes.
Our toddler is always hilarious and loving and adorable, but he is just HARD. I’ve been around a lot of kids and he’s just …extra. They love him at daycare, and for that I am so grateful, but yesterday his teacher talked to me about the anger thing. It was so we could get on the same page with how we are reacting and handling in the moment, but I felt like it was like being put on notice. I really want another child, and we’re both almost 40, but my husband is so worn down with our toddler that he can’t even imagine it, so I feel like all my parenting failures are preventing me from having another baby (I know this is ridiculous). Ugh.
lsw says
*also, not “always”…obviously
Irish Midori says
This sounds familiar to me. My first is like this, second is not. For a long time everyone told me that my first’s behavior is “normal, just kid stuff” and it made me feel like even more of a failure, because other parents seem to be able to handle it, and I couldn’t. It took having another kid to realize that my first one is definitely “extra.” We have him with a great therapist now, who is reluctant to put a label on him, but said he has some OCD and anxiety tendencies that some coping techniques are helping with. Yours may be a bit too young even for play therapy, but at this age, I found reading some autism/Asperger parenting tips helped tremendously (even though I don’t think he’s really on the spectrum). Hugs to you. Some kids are extra hard to parent. That strong personality will serve him well one day. It’s just a lot of feelings for him to work through.
Anon says
I feel you. My 16 month old is not walking or talking beyond a couple of words – the doctor said she’s not late enough to qualify for services, especially since she seems to be making forward progress in both areas, but she’s definitely behind most kids her age both verbally and physically. And she’s incredibly stubborn. 99% of the time she’s the happiest kid ever, but when she’s mad she’s REALLY REALLY MAD in a way that can be kind of terrifying. I’ve never seen other kids throw tantrums like she does and my friends’ “helpful” suggestions (“do you think she has autism?”) are reallyyyy not helping.
But please don’t think this is a parenting failure! It sounds like you are doing everything right and this is just his personality.
Anonymous says
Sometimes it’s just hard. If his speech is still behind a bit, maybe take him for another evaluation by a speech pathologist. Anger can be caused by being unable to express what they want. Try to keep messages as simple as possible ‘No hitting’ is enough ‘we won’t let you hit’ might be a lot to process.
Three is also hard because once they know how to ask for what they want, they expect to get it and they have a hard time accepting that even when they figure out how to ask, they don’t always get what they want. Short, simple empathy statements that acknowledge their feelings help.
I also find phyiscal activity is super important in the 3/4/5 age range. Around 2 they get enough activity just through daily life but a half hour of running around non-stop in the garden or park can make a huge difference in preschooler behavior. Sometimes we stop on the way home to burn off some energy.
Em says
I wouldn’t worry about the potty training thing. Our son was 3 months past his 3rd birthday before he was potty trained (and I was willing to go longer if necessary). We tried it a couple times prior to his third birthday and it didn’t click, but I just made the decision I wasn’t going to stress about it. We would offer him the choice to go, as would daycare, but not react at all if he opted not to try. My son doesn’t exactly have anger issues, but we have been struggling with almost daily hitting and biting at daycare for over a year (he was kicked out of one daycare for it, but they handled the entire situation pretty terribly). His current daycare mentions it to us but doesn’t seem to be super concerned about it so we just talk to him daily about how we don’t hit/bite our friends and are rolling with it. I get the stress though (see getting kicked out of a daycare). Have you tried talking to the director about what their policy is with situations like this? Knowing what their procedures are may help ease your mind about their thoughts on what is happening.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Yes, I feel like that when our 3 year old continues to hit, yell and throw things even though we have consistent routines, try to stay calm and do “everything right” in the face of his tantrums. But you have to know that you’re not a failure and you are doing your best. I don’t have much experience with little kids so I truly don’t know if this is just normal age-appropriate behavior or he’s more intense than other 3 year olds. I myself have some anxiety so I think that he may have inherited some anxiety tendencies, causing him to get really frustrated when he doesn’t get what he wants or we don’t understand him. I’m hoping that getting more language and ability to communicate in the future will help him express his worries more than with physical aggression. In the meantime, just continue to do your best and know that you’re not at fault and you’re not alone.
lsw says
Thanks. I’m hearing so much of my struggle reflected in each of your posts (so, thanks, but also, sorry!). I appreciate the practical advice.
Em says
Also, you aren’t doing it all wrong. The fact that you are worried that you are doing it wrong means that you aren’t. I promise!
Anon says
We have this tub and love it. I use it to bathe my daughter on the floor of our shower so I can sit next to the open shower door and don’t have to kneel/lean over the edge of the tub. My daughter is sadly about to outgrow it at 18 months.
Anon for this says
I have unexplained infertility and after 3 failed IUIs and one failed IVF and a year off from actively trying, I’m just now learning that I may have endometriosis and the only real way to know is an exploratory surgery. Why no one offered that as an option before is beyond me. I’m just throwing that out there as a thing to look into if nothing works. I didn’t have years of problems because I had spent my whole life on birth control. Now, particularly post IVF and all the hormones, I have extremely bad pain at various points in my cycle, particularly ovulation.
Anon again says
My MIL, who was a SAH spouse that moved 100 times for my FIL’s career, once asked my husband what the point of being married was if his wife got home from work at 7 pm every night and he was the one making dinner nightly. My husband shut that right down. Apparently, men are only supposed to marry to have servants in her eyes. The irony is now that my FIL is retired, he does all of the cooking because he enjoys it.
ElisaR says
oh man…. that made me lol but then groan!
Anon again says
I meant to post this above in the question about our moms doing things different than us. And I meant to post the one above under the infertility question. Not sure why my replies won’t nest.
GCA says
Did your husband respond by saying ‘S*x, obviously’?
Anonymous says
I can’t believe I’m posting this, but this *is* a fashion blog right?
What stores/brands do your young elementary school girls wear? My kid is headed to kindergarten and is very tall and a fall birthday- so she’s a 5/6 now and will be a size 6 in the fall. I knew what I was doing in toddler sizes, but now that she’s a girls size, there’s just so much stuff that strikes me as too grown up! Plus she’s an 11/12 shoe which is not quite girl but the toddler stuff is awfully…toddler (ankle straps on the flip flops for example).
Her “style” is not super defined. She has some friends that are clearly Sporty Spice, rocking under armor hats, gap sweatshirts and soccer shorts. She has a few friends that walked off the pages of a Mini boden catalog. She wore a lot of Tea Collection tunic dresses + leggings in preschool but that look feels too preschool to me vs elem school- am I wrong?
She is living in and loving maxi dresses and rompers from old navy band gap this summer. She likes dresses and skirts more than shorts/jeans but likes them casual. Her fave shirts are the target cat and jack floppy sequin shirts. I generally don’t go for tons of prints and I avoid “word” shirts.
Where do I start looking? I’m tempted to just stitch fix her, but I’m not that dedicated to her style :-). She’s interested in participating, but other than having her browse gap kids online or walk the aisles of TJMaxx (or worse…let her loose in Nordstrom), how do I engage her?
AwayEmily says
I don’t have an elementary schooler yet so can’t be much help but I love this question and will be following it! Don’t forget about H&M — some of their kid stuff is kind of awful but they also have some cute basics. Better to shop online; the selection is much better than in stores.
avocado says
At that age my daughter would still wear Tea and Garnet Hill dresses with leggings and was also into nerdy graphic tees from Peek with a skirt or comfortable jeans and a cardigan. For summer day camp, where there was a 99% likelihood that any item of clothing would get ruined, she wore cheap shorts from C9 or Old Navy and the large collection of free t-shirts that kids always seem to accumulate. I wouldn’t buy too many back-to-school clothes before she actually starts K and sees what everyone else is wearing, and I would stop buying ahead for the next size up because her style and comfort preferences will change every other week.
My daughter had tiny feet and hated having to buy toddler shoes when she was in elementary school. Keen, Chacos, and Converse all offer toddler sizes that look similar to kids’ sizes without extra velcro straps. Nordstrom has always been our favorite place to shop for her shoes.
Anonymous says
I’m not really shopping ahead, but trying to get a sense for what we should be looking at toward the end of summer. Luckily though I have all girls so even if I do buy ahead and get it wrong, I have 2 more chances ;).
Clueless says
Oh man, does the brand stuff really start in kindergarten now? I always figured kindergarteners clothes were based on their parents’ style.
Redux says
Same! I have one entering K this year and this had not at all crossed my mind. Eep.
AwayEmily says
I read the OP’s mentions of brands as just shortcuts to describe different styles, not as kindergarteners actually caring about the brands.
Anonymous says
I’m the OP and I don’t see this as “what are the must have brands” but more a sense of what kids like to wear at that age/what stores people have success with after moving out of toddler sizes. For ex. I’d totally forgotten about h&m.
My kid doesn’t veto brands but ALL of my kids have OPINIONS. My 3 y/o won’t wear black or ruffles or anything with a big seam (like peplum or a maxi dress). My older one has strong opinions on socks and hates certain washes of jeans. Heck my 19 month old insists on picking her own shirts.
Clueless says
Ohh ok that is a relief! I think I misread your question but I see what you mean now.
Anonymous says
So we just finished kindergarten. My kid basically wears things from Target (she’s still able to get in 5T in most stuff as she’s super skinny and refuses to wear jeans), though I am very controlling about what from the girls section in size 6 or small she buys, and Old Navy. We have a few Boden pieces, but it’s hard to justify the price most of the time because she just destroys clothes. I’d say the vast majority of the girls seem to dress just like her. Her teacher even took pictures of kids that came in as unintentionally “twins” throughout the school year to share with us parents in the end of year recap. Based on this, every other parent also shopped at Target, ON, and Gap. (And not to sound snobby or anything, but this is a pretty affluent school district – parents could totally afford “nicer” stuff – kids are just kids though. Esp. in K.)
Anonymous says
Leggings / dresses (or tunics) are what my middle school aged niece wears. I think you should probably treat this like you would if you were helping a friend build a capsule wardrobe: help her pick out a silhouette or two (I’m still trying to convince my 3-y-o that Japanese fisherman pants and t-shirts are the best summer clothes. She thinks it’s Princess Awesome twirl dresses. She also has double skinned knees.) and then get out a color wheel and put together some color combinations. Grab some catalogs or print some web pages and have her pick out a few “anchor” pieces. Then fill in from there.
I have tons of clothes my daughter won’t wear (see fisherman pants above), but she’s only started asserting her style choices in the last six months so I really applaud you trying to help your daughter figure this out. I’d also try to give her a few cheap pieces that are “different” so she doesn’t feel locked in (she’s a kindergartner!) to one style. My kid’s preK has a uniform this fall and I’m both thrilled (no more arguing!) and worried (possible tears and screaming!) about what this means for her wardrobe.
Anonymous says
Don’t forget Primary for solid color basics, like leggings to wear under a fun dress.
Anon says
How much do you communicate with daycare about late drop-offs or early pickups? We started daycare a couple weeks ago, and the teacher has already admonished us that we need to better about communicating in advance exactly what time we’ll do drop off and pick up. But it’s hard for us to predict exactly (DH and I both have mostly flexible schedules and would prefer not to wake or rush our night owl baby). I understand wanting advance notice if our daughter will be entirely absent that day and wanting us to avoid coming during naptime unless necessary for a doctor’s appointment, but it’s been a struggle to predict the days’ schedule exactly in advance and I find myself emailing the teacher multiple times per day (eg, the night before telling her we’ll drop her off at 9, then emailing her at 9 ‘actually she’s still sleeping, we’ll be in at 10’, etc) which feels crazy to me…but maybe that’s what she wants? Am I ‘That Parent’ that’s making my daycare teacher’s life miserable?
Anonymous says
You’re not ‘that parent’ and especially at the baby age it shouldn’t matter too much. But if you can give them a rough window that’s helpful. Like ‘ We will usually drop off between 9-10am.’ and then you can message if you are outside that window and it’s affecting the other kids. Like my kids preschool takes them out for a walk at 10am so I know if I drop them after 9:45am that I need to have them dressed to go outside otherwise it delays the whole class going out.
Spirograph says
This seems odd to me. I don’t think they really want to know exactly when you’re dropping off and picking up every day, they are somewhat passive-aggressively trying to get you to follow the center’s schedule. Did they communicate the schedule to you when you enrolled? In my experience, daycare centers have a program start time, typically 9am. There’s unstructured playtime in the morning and you can drop off any time until then, but they really frown on late arrivals because it interrupts the routine. Similar in the evening, the program ends at naptime and the afternoon is more mostly-unstructured playtime. Definitely tell the teachers if you will pick up during nap, but otherwise you can pick up any time until they close without special notice. I’m actually surprised that they let you do late drop offs without a doctor appointment or similar reason. Our previous center had a policy that you could be dropped from the program for more than 2 unexcused late drop-offs in a month.
To answer your exact question, though, I do not communicate drop off or pick up times with the teachers at all unless it’s between 9 and 4, which never happens absent an appointment or 1/2 day to leave for a family trip.
anon says
+1
If the daycare has a schedule, then you need to abide by it absent an unusual event, like a doctor’s appointment. At my kids’ daycare, 8-9 was the drop-off window. At 9, they served the kids breakfast, and got started on the schedule of the day. It would have been really disruptive to regularly drop kids off after 9, but no notice was needed on when I would do drop off as long as it was between 8-9.
Spirograph says
ETA, I really appreciated this structure, especially when my kids were babies. The center would call to confirm the child’s absence if you hadn’t dropped off by about 9:30. I was paranoid about leaving my kid in a hot car, so it was a bit of peace of mind to know that daycare would be a stop-gap for memory glitch.
Anon says
What? That seems crazy to me. I drop off my kid late at daycare all the time and they’ve never had an issue with it. I’ve never heard of a late drop off policy at a daycare center (vs a school).
Anon says
I do wonder if they would prefer us to have her there by 9 am, but they haven’t said that point blank and that really won’t work for our family (she’s a night owl to begin with and we travel to the west coast pretty regularly which results in jetlag and even later than normal wake-ups for up to two weeks after each trip). Being dropped for ‘unexcused’ tardiness seems so harsh to me – it’s not school! We do have a copy of the schedule and avoid coming or going during the mid-day naptime when the room is dark and quiet. The playground is attached to the classroom, so i wouldn’t think dropping her off when they’re outside is a big deal, so long as she’s ready to go outside and the teachers don’t have to leave the other kids to dress or sunscreen her.
Anonymous says
In addition to the activity schedule, the number of kids present affects the number of adults the center needs to have in the room. If a child was being dropped off or picked up outside of the normal windows, our center liked to know so they could adjust staffing to comply with ratios without having too many extra people in a particular classroom.
ElisaR says
yeah i have a feeling that’s the issue – they probably get to 10am and think they are all set with one teacher in the room and then if your kid arrives after 10 they need to shuffle teachers due to ratios.
Anonymous says
You’re dropped from the center for arriving after 9 am more than twice?!? That is absolutely bananas to me and I would find a different daycare immediately. I regularly drop my toddler off at daycare between 9:30 and 10 even though the official schedule says drop-off is between 7:30 and 9. This isn’t public school. I pay upwards of $2,000/month for this care and although I’m entitled to 55 hours/week of care, there’s no reason I have to use all of it. I would find it so offensive if I had to offer a reason for a particular drop-off time beyond “this is the time that works for our family.” That said, I do have a pretty regular drop-off window, and I can see how it would be difficult for the staff if it varied wildly from day to day.
Spirograph says
You probably wouldn’t have enrolled in the center at all, because the expectation was communicated very clearly. :) I’m not sure whether it was enforced, but there were always reminders about the program schedule in the summer, once the professor parents started getting too relaxed about drop off time. I’m in the DC area and wait-lists are months long at most centers, so they don’t have to try to cater to everyone. It never bothered me at all, DH and I are both expected in the office before 9, so it was a total non-issue.
Io says
I think this may be regional. NYC day cares have hard start times as well. They tend to be a bit more relaxed about early pick up, but everybody we visited had a “drop-off is between X and Y, unless you have a clearly communicated doctor’s appointment.” Even for babies.
Anonymous says
My daycare requires all children to be there by 10:30. I believe that we can arrive later if we have a note from a doctor. If they do not arrive before 9 am, they will miss breakfast so the parents are aware that they need to feed the child. They have a strong preference that all children are there by 9 simply because every late arrival interrupts or delays the schedule.
A friend’s daycare has an earlier arrival time (I believe 9:30 but it may be later) because the playground is not connected to the school. If the child arrives during outside time, there is no one present to care for the child or the entire class is delayed going outside.
Pogo says
This would frustrate me to no end. I would try to find out what the REAL issue is (feels so passive aggressive) and then go from there – is it staffing? messing up their schedule? etc. I guess it also depends what the official policy was as far as drop off time, if you agreed to have kiddo there by 9:30 and you’re missing that, it’s one thing. But if they never told you that when you signed up, how are you supposed to know?
Mine also went in late when he was an infant, and often the other kids were already napping. I never got admonished for it. To this day we range from 7:30 if we have early meetings to 9:30 if DH is being lazy and/or taking calls with Europe at the house and then getting ready at like 8. We never tell them ahead of time.
Anonymous says
Yeah, that’s odd. Literally the only times I’ve ever communicated with the school about drop-off or pick-up is if it was going to be during naptime or if I was coming to get the baby for something and then bringing them back (like a doc appt.).
Roar says
I get so angry about this with my daycare (though they are lovely in many other ways). They want to know our every single move. On June 1 we were asked for our daily summer schedule, including early pick ups, drop offs, week-long vacations and long weekends. NO THANKS.
It is my strong belief that I pay for them to be there full time, Mon-Fri (which is 7am-6pm). While we largely stick to a normalized schedule of 7:30-5:30 Mon-Fri, I refuse to go out of my way to let them know about early pick ups, late drop offs, random days off, etc. They don’t pro rate my tuition based on when she’s there so I refused to be guilted into feeling like I’m doing something wrong if she’s not there the whole time. They argue staffing/planning, etc, but that’s not my problem (it’s not a “curriculum” thing as DD is 14 months). If they pro rated my tuition to reflect us not being there, that’d be a whole different story. I get so rage-y about this. I’m at a national franchise fwiw.
Roar says
Edited to add that the specific hour of drop off/pick up isn’t what mine is looking for… sounds like yours is a whole other level of micromanaging/overreaching/crazy. But you got me on my soap box so I took the bait.
Anonymous says
YES, this is exactly how I feel! You want my child there at certain times? Great, give us a discount compared to the people that leave their kids there for all 11 hours. As long as I’m paying for a full day of care, I’ll use any and all hours I see fit. Gah. This also my #1 pet peeve about my otherwise great center.
HSAL says
Our daycare asks for a heads-up if you’re going to drop off after 10:00, and they discourage dropoffs/pickups during naptime, but other than that there’s no real policy. Since my twins are currently half of their class, I like to err on the side of over-informing so I usually use 9:00 as my benchmark for letting them know if we’ll be later (we usually drop off between 7:15 and 8:00). I don’t worry so much about my older daughter because there are a ton of kids in her class. But for pickups, as long as it’s after nap, I don’t worry about that at all. The expulsion policy mentioned above is crazy to me, but I get making staffing easier on them.
Anonymous says
Our daycare is open from 4 a.m. to 5:30 p.m. We have a lot of factory jobs in our community plus professionals. So they’re open early enough to accommodate folks who work an early first shift. When you sign up, they ask what your typical hours will be. They’re totally accommodating if you don’t follow them exactly, but they need to get an idea for staffing since some kids are early in/early out kids and others follow the schedule that most of us on this board are used to. Our daycare also serves breakfast, so they like to know if kiddo is going to miss breakfast. (Likewise, your daycare probably needs to know whether to make kiddo lunch.) Otherwise, we try to let them know in advance if we’ll be picking up more than an hour or two early. Most often early pick-ups are on Friday afternoons when staff also want to leave early. So letting them know can help the director decide whether accommodate those requests from staff. So, yes, they’re available for us every minute they’re open. But communicating with them about our typical schedule and when we’ll deviate from it really makes their lives a lot easier and nicer.
OP, how old is your child? In an infant room, I’d see this as much less of an issue than once they are in a more preschool type room. Under 2 or so, it’s all about staffing. After that, the routine and the curriculum become a bigger issue.
GCA says
What’s the real reason they’re asking for this level of detail? It seems bananas for an infant room where schedules vary so widely within a tiny age range. For a toddler or preschool classroom with higher kid/ teacher ratios they may need to plan coverage around field trips, walks to a nearby playground, etc. Or they find that dropoffs after a certain time are too disruptive. Otherwise, you’re paying for daycare and should be able to utilize it according to your family’s needs. My kids err on the side of early wakeups – with both, they would sometimes take their first nap before we even left the house and I’d take them in late. But I’ve never been asked to warn the infant room of a late drop-off.
Anon says
OP here. My DD is 13 months and is in a mixed infant-toddler room, with all the kids under 2. The infants follow individual schedules, the toddlers (including DD) have a set nap time from 12-2 pm. The ratio is 1:4 because of the infants, with 8 kids maximum, and I’ve never seen the room with less than 5 kids even excluding my daughter so I think they need two teachers in there pretty much at all times. So I see the point about ratios but I don’t know that it’s an issue here. The teacher said they just like “to be in the know” about our plans, and I guess I can do what they want but I just feel so awkward contacting her constantly. I’d drive my boss or colleagues crazy if I were sending them so many email updates about the same issue.
Ms B says
Eh, I liked the Primo Eurobath for the stage where The Kid was too big for the bathroom sink (towel-lined) and too small for the full tub. That thing was beyond sturdy and went on to have a long life with two of my associate’s kids and now his niece.
Nanny Expectations says
Do I expect too much from my nanny? I have 10-month old twins who nap for about 3 hours a day. My nanny spends most of their nap time relaxing (well-deserved!) and does most of her non-baby-watching activities (like prepping their meals and washing dishes) while the kids are awake. The kids are in a baby-proofed room so I’m not terribly concerned about safety and, if she chose to look, she could see them from the adjoining kitchen, but I would rather she try to spend their awake time watching/playing with them and take care of other things during their naps. Am I wrong or at least, expecting more than I should? In case it matters, about half of these other tasks are not things I’ve asked her to do and, tbh, things I have asked her not to do, but she does anyway (like putting away our non-kid dishes), so I don’t think its a matter of me putting too much on her plate. I know they need to learn to play on their own, but they get plenty of that because they are twins and rarely get undivided attention from an adult.
Anonymous says
I don’t think you’re expecting too much.
Anonymous says
Your expectations are your expectations, but I would avoid micromanaging her to this degree. Most people prefer to be given parameters, tasks, and the flexibility to decide how best to accomplish those tasks. If you want her to always be in the same room with the kids when they are awake, that’s a fair requirement and you can say so, but I wouldn’t tell her to do the other stuff during naptime (even though that is the logical solution).
Pogo says
+1 I agree with this suggestion.
Anonymous says
She should be in the room with them when they are awake. Nap time is for dishes/laundry/taking a break. If they are asleep 3 hours and she’s doing other chores for an hour, she’s interacting with them only half the time she is there.
CHL says
You’re the boss so you get to decide, but especially at that age, I’m not sure I would require the nanny to be “interacting” with them all the time. Some reading, singing, stacking blocks, whatever, sure for part of it, but if I were home with them, I’d probably be doing other things while they’re hanging out doing baby stuff part of the time too. It may change as they get older as well, once they start walking, talking etc.
Anonny Mommy says
My kids are in daycare so maybe I’m off base, but I thought the idea of having a nanny is that your kid gets more attention from their caregiver, so yeah, I would expect her to spend most of your kiddo’s waking time paying attention to her.
SC says
It’s late, but our former nanny took care of some light chores while baby was awake, but was in the same room with him while he was awake (except for brief periods of time). So she put away dishes while Kiddo was eating in the kitchen, or folded laundry in Kiddo’s room while he played. She’d talk to him and generally interact at the same time. She also did some chores during nap time, but definitely not for the entire 3 hours. It seemed like a reasonable approach to me and approximately what I would have done as a SAHM.