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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
AIMS says
So it’s kindergarten admissions time in NYC if you have a 4 year old and part of the option is gifted and talented testing. Curious how others approached this. For those who opted for testing (in NYC or otherwise), what made you do it? Did you do prep? What is the actual test? Other thoughts?
I have a smart happy kid but I have no idea if she’s “smarter” than the average kid and whether this is something she actually needs (putting aside the issue of whether anyone needs it in K vs when they’re a bit older). In NYC, it’s also all insane and hyper competitive (as is everything) and there are so many prep centers that I feel like she has no shot since we have done absolutely nothing to prepare for it. I also don’t really want to do anything much because I don’t want to put needless pressure on her. But i don’t want to deprive of an opportunity if this might be the right thing for her. I’m thinking we take the test but I don’t tell her much other than “here’s a fun thing we’re doing.” Just curious if I am missing anything in this analysis.
AIMS says
I guess part of my question is also – doesn’t everyone think their kid is g&t? What made you decide that this is something you should do at this age and that it’s right for your kid?
Buble says
I don’t think everyone thinks their kid is G&T. Probably everyone on this message board, sure, but they’re also probably largely correct. A good indicator is, were you or or child’s father G&T in school? Intelligence is partly hereditary. Also, if she has preschool teachers, you can ask them if it would be appropriate.
You can look online to see what GT test your particular area uses. They’re age appropriate, so it’s nothing that’s going to overwhelm your child. She’ll probably be asked to identify pictures, letters, patters, do simple math, things of that sort. The way the test is formatted where I live, the proctor asks the child questions which get progressively harder, and stops when they get a certain number in a row incorrect–so it’s not like she’s going to sit there and be asked 30 questions in a row that she can’t answer, the test experience is tailored to the child.
When it was time for our four-year-old to take the test, I didn’t prep her with practice questions or anything. Her father and I framed it as being her “show off test” to show the teacher who was talking to her all the wonderful things she had learned at school so far. We also told her (based on tips from friends) that if she wasn’t completely sure of the answer, that it was okay to guess and do her best. She had a great time taking it, came running out with a huge smile on her face (and crushed it).
Obviously I’m an advocate for having her take it. Being in a G&T environment as a G&T kid is so important. Not only for the teaching you receive, but being surrounded by other G&T peers. Your kid will be able to relate better and create better friendships with other kids on her level, if it turns out she is G&T. There’s no reason not to give her that opportunity.
AwayEmily says
This is such an interesting question. My kid is only 3.5 but I do not think she is g&t (though I also don’t totally know what that is). My data points: she seems at about the same level as her friends in terms of verbal ability. She doesn’t figure out new games right away, she’s not a genius with puzzles, she seems about average in terms of learning her letters. I don’t know….she just seems like a regular kid! I do think she has a lot of social intelligence — she picks up on others’ feelings, is very empathetic, and is great at figuring out exactly how to cheer up her little brother when he’s feeling sad. But I would not bet any money on her being “gifted and talented.”
Boston Legal Eagle says
Like AwayEmily, I don’t think my kids are particularly gifted and/or talented, and I’m perfectly happy with that. My older one is a sweet kid, seems smart enough and has a huge vocabulary but seems to be doing fine in regular school settings (preschool anyway). I’d be concerned if he had trouble with socialization or was doing puzzles or books beyond his age. But honestly, I don’t really want that for him – I’d rather he continue to be a nice, sweet kid who can get along with others, and hopefully does average or a bit above average academics wise. Same for baby brother.
I’d probably do the testing if it’s offered, with zero prep (what are you prepping for exactly? I thought this was designed to catch kids who don’t learn in “normal” school settings). And assume she’ll be fine in the regular schools.
Anonymous says
In nyc people do gifted and talented testing to get their kids out of black schools into white ones. Dress that up however you want, but you’re being willfully ignorant and naive if you’re thinking all these other parents just genuinely think their children might be gifted.
Anon says
Hmmmm…lots of people in my all white NYC neighborhood with an all white neighborhood school opt into G&T programs, mostly bc once you’re in you don’t have to worry about the middle school application process which most kids find very stressful. Respectfully, I don’t think the issue is quite as simple as you think.
Anonymous says
Respectfully, you’re just slapping pretty paint on systemic racism.
Anonymous says
My kid is way younger (1.5) but so far I don’t think she’s gifted and talented. A lot of my friends’ kids were basically talking in sentences at this age, and my kid is very happy to just point and use single words. She also doesn’t seem particularly advanced at spatial stuff like puzzles and shape sorters – she’s just in the last month figured out the shape sorter, and I know lots of kids who could do it around 12 months. But also, many of my friends spent a lot of time teaching their kids stuff like shape sorters, so how much of it is innate giftedness versus putting in the effort to learn I don’t really know. Her dad and I were both identified as G&T so maybe she will turn out to be later on, but I don’t really care either way. I almost think life would be easier for her if she were average or slightly above average intelligence but more gifted socially than her dad and I are.
RR says
FWIW, at 1.5 you cannot tell. My son was not talking in complete sentences or appropriately using shape sorters at 1.5. There were no signs at all until he was over 2.5, and even then they were subtle for a long time. We knew he was great at puzzles, and we watched him do math with his lego sets at 3. But, I had no idea for a very long time precisely what we were dealing with.
RR says
No. I have one child who clearly is “gifted.” His IQ measures at 156. He really benefits from a gifted program. He’s also my least successful child in school because of a combination of his high IQ, ADHD, and some other potential issues we are working through. I don’t want to wish away his clear talents, but I wouldn’t really have picked this for him. He’s more intelligent than pretty much everyone in his life (including his parents and teachers), and it makes things difficult for him in a quite dramatic way. His sister is two deviations below him in IQ, but things come easily to her in a way they do not to him. I worry every day about just getting him through school in one piece.
His sister is very bright but not across the line to “gifted.” She’s right under the line for the program, which is somewhat arbitrary, but she also displays more of the traits of being really bright as opposed to the “giftedness” that I think the programs are truly intended to serve. She does extremely well in school in regular classrooms. Things that are hard for her brother come easily for her. She would like to be in the “gifted” program, but she doesn’t need it. She’s able to learn what her teachers want her to learn how they want her to learn it, and she will likely always have a fairly easy time with high achievement in academics.
Then I have a third child who seems academically fairly average. She’s young, so it’s still early to tell, and she’s young for her class as well. She’s really talented in athletics in a way my other two are not (still not a prodigy in anything, but has the potential to be an above average athlete), and she’s got the best social skills of the whole family. But, she’s really right in the middle of the pack for where she is academically, and that’s just fine.
I think the NY system is a lot different than my state though. It seems to be more a situation where any kid who wants rigorous academics wants to be in the gifted program (and all the racial/socioeconomic problems with it). In my state, in many schools, the gifted program is really more of an opportunity to engage with similar children and work on different types of projects. It’s serving the kids who would otherwise struggle because of their giftedness. It’s not the only path to more rigorous or even accelerated classes.
AIMS says
I think you hit the nail on the head with NY. It feels like it’s more about a better academic program here than anything else – smaller class, more resources, etc. And for parents who want (or need) to do public school, it’s a very attractive option.
I also agree that I really just want a happy well-adjusted kid that can deal with life and any “gifted” labels are only as useful as they facilitate that (i.e., if a different environment/curriculum is better, etc.). My dad was very much a “genius” and my mom always said that she would love “to live in his brain” but I don’t think he was a very happy person a lot of his life. FWIW, I think I have a smart child who is not particularly gifted or talented and who’ll also be one of the youngest in her grade, so I don’t know if this is something that is even necessary to pursue. But I also know that I tend to downplay my kids’ achievements relative to the other parents I see so I don’t want to undersell my kid if this is something that she qualifies for and would benefit from. I think we’ll probably sign up for the test and then just treat at a fun game and call it a day. I appreciate all the different perspectives!
RR says
There’s little downside to letting her take the test. It doesn’t dictate your later decisions.
EB0220 says
Our school system doesn’t have a GT option until later in elementary school, but the school I went to as a kid had testing for K. My parents did exactly what you suggest – take the test, downplay it, and don’t prep. That’s what I would do too with my own kids. I don’t recall anything about taking the test other than that it was kind of fun.
avocado says
We had our daughter tested privately at age 4.5, which was required for private school admissions (we ended up going with public school, partly on the advice of the examiner). We didn’t prep and only told her that she was going to play games and do puzzles. She enjoyed the experience. It wasn’t until several years later that she put two and two together and figured out that it had been an IQ test.
Does NYC use an actual IQ test or a screening test? If it is a screening test, there might be some value to preparation, especially if your child can read. Some of the screening tests are designed for kids who can’t read and are actually more difficult for kids who just want to read the questions.
AIMS says
I have no idea what the test is. I know lots of places in our area offer “prep” which presumably involves all the stuff they test for and there’s one particularly “well known” school that everyone wants to get into that specifically says we use X test but please don’t prepare for it and when I googled it to see what it was there were heaps of webs*tes devoted to prepping your kid for it.
Anonymous says
Treat it like any other pre-school attendance thing – getting vaccinations updated, eye exam, etc.
If she’s G&T then the testing will catch that even though she’s had zero prep. If she’s not, then it’s just another thing she had to do before going to big kid school.
Anonymous says
TL; DR, we did it with no prep to keep options open because it was free, fairly painless, and both husband and I were gifted as kids and had some problems as a result. (Admittedly minor problems in the grand scheme of things, but I was, for example, considered a nerd even at the gifted school). We did it with no prep other than going through the few sample problems in the info book the DOE gives out. We wanted to see if our son tested high enough to get into a citywide program, which would mean he had a middle school spot. Our zoned elementary school is generally well regarded but we were more nervous about middle school, partly because we know less about it and partly because my husband is a high school teacher at one of the specialized high schools and is concerned about how unprepared even those students seem. Anyway, we just kind of wanted to keep our options open. My son barked at the person checking him in rather than speaking as a human would, but apparently he pulled it together during the test (they go in alone!), as he scored high enough for district gifted admission but not city-wide. We looked at the gifted program that is equally close to our home as our zoned school and learned that he might not actually get a spot there because it is popular enough that you typically need to score fairly high to get in; they rank students by score. We also learned they use the same curriculum as the non-gifted classes at the school, and it is just one class that stays together every year. I can’t remember the rationale for the same curriculum thing but it only kind of made sense. The school also has no outdoor play area, places more emphasis on homework, and generally is less progressive than the zoned school, so we ended up not even applying for the gifted program and sending him to the zoned school. So far, so good. I think if we have regrets it will be in the next few years; son is in 2nd grade now.
Anonymous says
PS – to clarify, we live in NYC, in deep Brooklyn, and went through the DOE process.
AIMS says
Thanks! This is super helpful.
ANon says
i just went to a meeting to learn about this in my state even though my kids are only 2. can i just say that i despise the label Gifted & Talented. Can’t they think of something less obnoxious sounding to call it? Where we live, once you are labeled GT, as long as you stay within the school district you are considered GT forever, which is how it can come into play down the line for middle and high school. I personally would do the test with no prep because i don’t see the harm in spending a couple of hours
Anon says
Not in NYC, but I am “gifted” – I test borderline genius. My parents had me take a test (I didn’t know what it was for) I think around 3rd grade through our school. I didn’t know the results until I was older, but I was perfectly capable of reading (and throwing out) the paper about how I qualified for special math classes at another school. I had no desire to be with the nerds and one of the nerdy kids, even at that age. I ended up in G&T classes later in school (5th grade on), which was fine and probably beneficial in the long run for me, but even if your kiddo is super smart, at those early ages, I think the socialization benefits are probably better in the regular classes.
Anonymous says
Wow how sad that you’re an adult writing people off as nerds not worthy of socializing with.
Anon says
My point was, that while parents may think it is good, the kid may not feel that way. I was trying to give the child’s perspective. And whatever education benefits there are for the elementary school crowd, I don’t think they outweigh the social stigma as being one of the “weird” kids. As an adult I fully recognize that I’m a nerd, I have some uncommon personality traits that are probably linked to my intellect (think Sheldon on BBT), but as a kid I desperately wanted to fit in and be one of the “normal” kids. And as someone who spent the majority of her school years with super smart kids, I do think there is real benefit to being in an environment where there is a wider range of kids for as long as it’s not outweighing the education benefits.
Anonymous says
As a counterpoint to this, I was a nerd who was pretty miserable in a normal school environment. I don’t think G&T had big benefits for me academically (I was bright and curious and had educated, involved parents, so it wasn’t hard for me to learn things outside of school, though I realize that’s not the case for everyone). But the G&T classes and summer programs I attended were really great for me socially, because it was my one opportunity in K-12 to connect with other kids like me. Simply not being identified as G&T or pulled out of classes doesn’t make you a “normal kid” – if you’re weird, you’ll still be weird, regardless of a label. I think for most people having the label and the opportunity to connect with other nerdy kids does a lot of good socially.
AIMS says
Thanks, I understand your point and appreciate the perspective. I never thought of it from that vantage point.
RR says
Yeah, my kid is “weird” regardless of whether he’s in G&T. The program lets him hang out with other, similarly “weird” kids.
We embrace weirdness in my house though. My older daughter is trying to make more friends in her new middle school and told me she’s looking for kids who are weird like her.
Anon says
She’s talking about herself as a kid. Seems just like an honest perspective.
Anonanonanon says
My parents eventually scaled back my G&T participation over social concerns. Their take was that not everyone around you in life is going to be as intelligent as you, and you have to learn how to work with people who are less intelligent or are intelligent in a different way. When you grow up and enter the workforce, you aren’t going to be surrounded by 100% “gifted” people. They used to remind me “150 IQ and a quarter still only gets you a cup of coffee” all the time.
My son tested high enough to go to a G&T program at a different school, but it was a “know your kid” situation and he would have been devastated to leave his friends. Yes, he was bored for a couple of years in elementary school before they started splitting the kids into advanced classes for certain subjects, and he got in trouble for chatting some because of it, but there’s a lot of boring things in life you have to learn to sit through.
Anonymous says
There is a lot of professional literature and also kid lit addressing the “stigma” of being labeled GT so kids don’t avoid getting services that would likely be beneficial for them. I was GT as a kid (tested in 150s) and never really understood why it would be a bad thing. Maybe that’s my privilege of living in a community where it was good to be smart and the gifted program served me well, maybe that’s my naivete of not realizing that there were some negative social consequences I didn’t pick up on. (I was in a regular classroom most of the time, it was a 1-day/week pull-out). Also, I 100% agree with everything Anonymous at 10:34 said. Yes, it’s beneficial to learn to get along with people who are different from you, whether intellectually, culturally, socio-economically, etc, but it’s also incredibly beneficial to realize that you are not alone in having XYZ trait, and to have opportunities to let your hair down with people who can relate.
I will say that attitudes like yours, Anon 10:07, from parents are part of the problem. If you’re talking about “nerdy” kids like it’s a bad thing and those kids are worthy of ridicule and ostracizing, your kids will pick up on it, and your kids will act on those attitudes at school. Please do not do this. Kids should be able to find and embrace their talents and interests with like-minded peers without worrying about whether they’ll be made fun of.
Anon says
On the flip side the G&T program at my elementary school was a breeding ground for teaching those kids (including myself) that they were “better” than the other kids. It took a lot of time to unlearn that and I still struggle with that ingrained attitude as an adult. Whatever academic benefits the G&T program gave me (I honestly don’t think very much, I was just highly intelligent and slightly bored in “regular” class – reading after I finished my work 20 minutes early would have been just fine) was overshadowed by giving me an entitled/elitist attitude
Pogo says
Our town does not have it precisely because everyone thinks their kid is G&T.
My public school growing up (in NYS, not the city though) also did not have a formal designation. I did however benefit greatly from skipping two years of math in elementary school and then from honors and AP classes in high school. In elementary/middle school we just got assigned more work/harder reading if we were in “Purple group” or whatever – as if the kids couldn’t figure out that orange was the slow learners, green was the normal kids and purple were “gifted”. I really resented being with peers who had behavioral difficulties more than being of different intellect, especially because those kids were also the most apt to tease me for being smart. For me the appeal of a G&T program if one existed would solely be as a proxy for avoiding disruptive or bullying students. However I do hope that the public school system in general has made more strides in terms of having aides for students with IEP diagnoses like ASD. To my knowledge that didn’t exist when I was young, and it’s likely many of the bullies/behavioral problem kids I remember would today have some kind of diagnosis.
anonymous says
For what it’s worth the advice I’ve received is that since, y’know, the kid is four, how they do on the test is probably less a result of prep OR their actual intelligence and more whether they had a good day or a bad day. which is why G&T kindergarten is probably a foolish concept (not necessarily for parents, more questioning why DOE thinks it’s a good idea). I think some practice puzzles just to make them seem more familiar is not a bad idea but I wouldn’t go crazy prepping. Also important to know that enough kids score 99s such that admission is still by lottery and you are still less likely to get in than you are to get in (even if your kid gets the top score). So, regardless of whether you decide to test, important to focus on your other options.
AIMS says
Thanks! This is a good reminder.
Anonymous says
Having just come out on the other side of this as the mom of a new Kindergartener, my two cents is there’s no harm in taking the test other than a few hours of your time and having to let your child go off with a stranger for testing, which takes about 45 minutes. You may also want to do a bit of research about what you would do if your child is gifted. What G&T programs are in your area? There are 5 citywide G&T schools. To get in you essentially need to be 99 percentile and even then I’d say your odds are less than 50%. There are also G&T classes at some local schools which you probably have to be 97+ to get into, depending on the area. In other words, the school might not even be compatible with your life. My daughter was a 99, but we decided not to even bother with the local G&T because the difficulty of getting her to the school with two working parents with long commutes was insurmountable. Similarly, she just got a spot off the waitlist last week at one of the citywide schools which we loved. We ultimately turned it down because it was incompatible with two careers and caring for another child as well. We did not want our sensitive 5 year old to leave her friend group or spend 2 hours commuting every day- and that was to the closest G&T school! If there are good options close to you, it might be a different calculus.
Coach Laura says
We had our son tested because both his pre-school teacher and his kindergarten teacher said that he was gifted. We didn’t do any prep other than to tell him he was going to go with a teacher and do some puzzles and word games. It was pretty intimidating for a shy 5yo, because testing was at the local high school that was totally new to him along with a new “teacher” asking him things. He was already reading at about the fourth grade level before entering first grade so by that time it wasn’t a surprise that his IQ ended up being 140. It’s actually 150+ but I figure the new environment, shy 5yo impacted that score a bit.
For AIMS, I’d say to go ahead and do the testing. They may give good feedback. Our daughter is only “slightly” gifted at 131 and they told us things to do to teach to her style etc., and where her weaknesses were.
anon says
Grandparent gift ideas? My MIL is an amazing grandmother and I would like to treat her to a really nice birthday gift. I like experience gifts that she can do with the kids, but we are in DC and lots of that stuff is free (zoo, museums). We have done tickets to plays and the ballet where she goes with a kid. If we go with a physical gift, she loves to travel (and has three international trips coming up), garden (actual garden), and cook.
I am all out of ideas.
Buble says
I mean, you really can’t go wrong with updated photos of the kids. Photo calendars and magnets have always been a hit with my MIL.
ElisaR says
yes. photo mugs from shutterfly are always a hit too.
anon says
My mom is very difficult to buy for because she truly has a less is more mentality. Successful gifts have included a nice carry-on bag for her travels, birthstone earrings, and a Sur La Table cooking class that we did together. For my MIL, we got an Etsy customized necklace with the birthstones of all her kids and grandkids.
anon. says
Mine too.Look at the wreaths on the Food 52 site. We did it one year and she loved it so much, we did it again the next. They last a long time before they have to be thrown out.
Cb says
Ooh, I’d get her some sort of beautiful and pricey plant or tree. That’s what my husband and son get me for holidays and I love it. We plant it together and watch it grow. I have a fiddle leaf fig and a monstera indoors and a camellia and rhododendron outdoors, and have added a Japanese maple to the list.
Or some sort of luxe leather good for travel? Away suitcase?
Anonymous says
Is MIL also in DC? My parents love taking the kids to events at the Kennedy Center. They have several aimed at young kids– for example, https://www.kennedy-center.org/calendar/event/NUKKA
https://www.kennedy-center.org/calendar/event/KUTBB
Anon says
Depending on how old the kids are, I think there are parent and kid cooking classes at some of the local places (Cookology, Sur La Table, etc.). A membership to the zoo is nice (covers parking and other goodies) if you think she’d use it. You might consider a new carry-on or travel purse. I love to cook and am slowly building out my staub collection, so if you think there’s an upgrade to her existing kitchen (like a nice enameled cast iron piece, a new mixer, etc.), that might work. Depending on how well stocked she is, a cookie decorating set might be fun (if she’s up for baking with the kids).
Emily S. says
Is she doing the international trips with a travel group? If so, what about paying for an excursion or buying a gift card she can use for services? My parents, for example, go on Viking River Cruises, and I’ve thought about paying for an excursion or buying a gift card so my mom could use the spa on board. Plants are a big hit with my MIL, too. Since she’s into cooking, listen if she mentions needing a new gadget or pan, and you could buy her an upgraded replacement. Like, her sauce pan is aging, buy her an All-Clad or a really really nice chef’s knife.
rosie says
We have been members of the Building Museum for a while. One of the few that’s not free, but we really like it (both the exhibits & the space) and it’s a great one for kids.
As for things, what about a nice wrap for travel? Maybe the cashmere house brand one from N*rdstrom?
ElisaR says
my mom is the grandparent that has everything she needs…. but she likes to travel too. At this Nordstrom anni sale this year she bought herself a little pleather fannypack/purse conversion deal. It was reasonably priced and she brought it to Europe and used it day as a fanny pack and night as a clutch. She loved it. I wish I bought it for her but I was there with her when she picked it out herself. I’ll find the link…..
ElisaR says
oops it’s leather. and more expensive now than it was at the anni sale…. but there are lots of similar options at various price points:
https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/treasure-bond-montana-leather-belt-bag/5194076?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FHandbags%2FBelt%20Bags&color=black
Anon says
Does she like wine? There are wine things now where you can pour a glass of wine from a nice bottle without opening it, so it can last a lot longer for someone who only drinks one glass at a time. We gave our in-laws one recently (joint w/ other siblings). They aren’t cheap, but could be useful & she probably doesn’t have. (Not sure if we gave this exact one or if there are better ones, but you get the idea).
https://www.amazon.com/Coravin-Model-Two-Preservation-Capsules/dp/B0168AT5HE/ref=asc_df_B0168AT5HE/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=167153947654&hvpos=1o1&hvnetw=g&hvrand=3014288761513588133&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1014221&hvtargid=aud-799727667774:pla-274323296299&psc=1
ElisaR says
at first i wanted one of these things but then I realized I have no problem making it through a bottle of wine :)
Anon says
one last outing to the newseum before it closes with your kiddos?
SC says
My parents still rave about the packing cubes I bought them several years ago. My mom also loves her noise canceling earbuds.
Every Christmas, my mom gives us a box of fun consumable cooking items. She seems to collect it year-round as she travels, visits farmers’ markets in her area, and has friends from around the country give her things (she always credits them). Some years, she also makes a few things. Over the years, the boxes have included spices, vinegar, salt, soy sauce, hot sauce, heritage beans, pasta and other grains, maple syrup, honey, newly trendy ingredients, canned home-grown vegetables, preserved lemons, boiled cider, onion jam, etc. I never know exactly what will be in the box (although I’ve requested some repeats), but I always look forward to it!
Anonymous says
Stuck in mod for some reason but check out kid-friendly performances at the Kennedy Center.
So Anon says
And… we have our first 2 hr delay of the year. Thankfully, this is a day I work from home, so I can just roll with it. Also, this is the first storm that I’ve prepped for at my new home and did all the prep by myself (with a little help from the kids).
Anonanonanon says
Congrats on getting all of that prep done yourself, doesn’t it feel great knowing you can do it on your own? And buckle up for the delays/closings, those were the worst thing to juggle for me as a single mom!
So Anon says
Yes! It feels great to have taken care of my house by myself!! I’m mentally preparing for the delays and closings this year. I think it may actually feel easier than last year when my ex also had those days off and we were all under one roof but he could not/refused to watch the kids, which bred resentment among other things.
anon says
Any experience with Bright Horizons Backup Care? My firm offers this as a benefit. It sounds like you can get your kiddo placed in a BH center for a day, or possibly get in-home care, presumably for a kid too sick for a center. Experiences good or bad?
Buble says
Our experiences with backup care at the BH center were good! I mean, when you need backup care, you’re not really in a position to be too picky. But basically we were transitioning between two day cares and needed just two weeks of coverage, and they were able to provide it. It was a great benefit.
anon says
We have used in-home care several times. We had one “OK” caregiver and two or three good ones that I was comfortable requesting back for several days in a row. I think it depends what agency they subcontract to in your area; we’re in the greater NYC area and always end up with someone from a “College Nannies and Tutors” agency. I think next time I would try for center care only because my daughter is older (now 2) and might have more fun there. FYI we use this as a backup when our nanny is out, not as sick care for our kid.
anon says
If you typically use a nanny, start the paperwork well before you need it. I tried using my firm’s BH backup care, but it was impossible to get the paperwork done for the window when I really needed it. You probably already have the paperwork if you are currently using daycare, but not with a nanny.
rosie says
Agree. But even if your kid is in group care, I had to fill out a ~6 page developmental history form. I ended up skipping a lot or writing very little, but it was sitting in my pile for a long time before I got to it. Seemed excessive for backup care.
Anon says
+1. To use the center we also needed some doctor form that we didn’t naturally have from our latest doctor visit I think? So I tried to get in the habit of bringing it to the doctor for check ups to just always have it updated. We also were always in group care naturally but still found all the forms to use an actual center onerous (bc we had turned in our group care forms long enough ago where they didn’t have the current info, so it’s not like we could just photo copy them, plus those forms were with our group cares).
The reality is we have just done the in-home care through Bright Horizons because of this reason… no paperwork (to memory). We’ve had good enough experiences. My memory is that they cannot administer medicine (that may have been the service they contract with in my area’s rule, maybe not BH’s, not sure) so they can watch a sick kid but not one so sick they need frequent medicine.
Anon says
i think it varies. my friend who lives in MN loves it. she has used the centers frequently to plan ahead when her kids have days off of school where she has to work. my work has it too, but so far the only times i would have to use it is for sick days and i’ve been too nervous to let a total stranger in my house, particularly since i have twin toddlers who wouldn’t be able to communicate to me if something went wrong
Anon says
Curious to know, too! We were acquired by a firm this year that now offers it. We’re just getting into open enrollment for 2020 and I learned about it this week. How exactly does it work? If DD is sent home sick today, could I have someone in home tomorrow as daycare would also want her out tomorrow? Or is it well-only care?
Knope says
I think it depends on the package offered by your firm. We get the benefit through my husband’s firm, which offers either a) in-home nanny care at a reduced (like $10/hr) rate, or b) daycare drop-off. The nanny will do sick care, the daycare will not. For the nanny, you can place a request as soon as you know that you’ll need the backup care, and they get back to you regarding whether they have someone to come. Only one time has it not come through for us (when we gave only 12 hrs’ notice and it was bad weather outside).
Leatty says
My firm also offers it, and we’ve only used it once when my daughter had RSV at 5 months old. The person they sent had little to no experience with infants, even though I expressly asked for someone with infant experience. I worked from home so I could be available to answer questions, and I had to keep reminding her to feed DD (even though I gave her a schedule). She was nice, but too inexperienced. Several of my colleagues have had similar or worse experiences.
Knope says
It really depends on where you are. I’m in DC proper and I’ve had awesome experiences with it – it’s been a lifesaver on multiple occasions. They contract with two very well-regarded nanny agencies to provide services. But two of my friends in other cities have had bad experiences with nannies that don’t seem very qualified/experienced. Ask around your firm and ask NH who they contract with in your area!
Pogo says
I used the backup care provided by my husband’s company, which was actually at Kindercare (but probably not all that different from BH). It was administered by care dot com, which I think is how you could choose nanny instead. Husband requested the days we needed, got confirmation and forms for us to fill out. I called the director to speak with her and make sure they knew we were coming (since it was all over automated email so far) and make sure I knew what to send with kiddo.
No complaints, it was a low-cost, low-stress way for us to deal with a gap in care. I personally don’t like the big corporate centers for a few reasons that were confirmed to me (you drop off and pick up w/ different staff, they tend to lose the kids’ items because there are so many kids and classrooms, it seemed like they went out of their way to justify the exorbitant cost by sending home “art projects” and “report cards” for my 20mo). But care was great, kiddo did fine.
Anon says
Bay Area, my experience was that BH could never provide a backup care nanny when we needed one (ie, next-day or same-day notice). They’d try, and waste my time having me fill out forms, but never delivered. From colleagues who did use the service, the nannies were mostly not the greatest. I was concerned that they seemed to source nannies from a franchise agency that we had worked with that did a terrible job vetting nannies.
I always go with the backup care from an excellent local nanny agency, even though BH would be nearly free and the local agencies are super expensive. The local agency always sends a qualified nanny when I need one.
Anonymous says
DC area and BH was never able to provide care when I needed it, and they have a ton of centers here. It was frankly a worthless “perk” from my workplace.
shortperson says
in socal we always can get an excellent caregiver if we request by noon the day before. between 12-5 the day before, usually ok. after 5 the day before, no. we have seen >20 people and everyone was excellent other than one person who was only OK (nothing dangerous or anything). others from my firm in the bay area report that BH is useless, i suspect they dont pay enough up there.
i also brought my kid on work travel when she was four months old and put her in a backup facility in DC for one day. i thoguht they were excellent as well.
BabyBoom says
For the mom looking for kids play tables who had her eye on the C&B nesting set – it is 20% off today. Still pricey. But on sale!
HSAL says
Oooh, that helps. Thank you!
anon says
Does anyone have any suggestions for dealing with burnout that have really made a difference? A big part of me is tired to my core. I have always been an achiever, but right now I’m just so tired. Not necessarily physically tired (though a bit), but emotionally and mentally spent. I have taken vacations, and they are good, but aren’t really restorative. I still have to care for my 3 and 6 yo, and then I still come back to a mountain household to dos and an even more overflowing email box. Vacations almost aren’t worth it. I feel like I’m doing the things I’m supposed to do for self care, but they really just turn into more to dos on my list. Nothing in particular has triggered this exhaustion, other than the repetitiveness of middle age: wake, work, kids, work, sleep, repeat. What has worked for you?
Boston Legal Eagle says
I’m not the best model of this right now as I’m fully in the trenches with a 3.5 year old and 1 year old but I hope that when the kids are a little older and more self-sufficient, I can make time for exercise and other “me-time” during the weeknights and weekends. Can you carve out some time during your week for that? If there’s something preventing (i.e. childcare with no spouse home), can you hire sitters one or two nights a week to give you a break?
My husband and I try to take a one week vacation just as a couple once a year, and a few shorter trips depending on what’s going on. Because you’re right, a trip with kids is not a restorative vacation – it’s just childcare in a different city without all your home comforts.
anon says
OP here – This is something that I struggle with a lot. My husband feels very strongly that, because we work, we should spend all of our non-working time with our kids. He isn’t a believer in personal time, but feels very strongly about the importance of family time. I really don’t get any time without kids or work unless the kids are asleep.
My kids are also big believers in “mommy time” and react negatively if I’m not home enough. I’m still paying for a work trip that I took a few weeks ago. If I’m not home enough they become really clingy and attention seeking, dialing up the sibling rivalry, which just increases my stress levels. (Conversely, they are super sweet and more independent when we’ve been together a lot, like right after a family vacation.) If I’ve been gone, they also stop sleeping through the night and will wake me up 3-4 times a night to confirm that I haven’t left again. They go back to bed, but still wake me up over and over again for a couple of weeks after any trip.
Anonymous says
Oh you gotta shut that down. You can take a night a week off. Or spend three hours on Saturday morning alone. You need to in fact. Your kids will figure out how to cope.
Anonanonanon says
^this. when I was guilty for taking “me” time with my first, my mom said something that really put it into perspective. She pointed out that my child needed to be able to get by without me. What if I had a health incident and ended up in the hospital for a couple of nights, and my child had never been in the care of anyone else or been without me for a night? Would I want that?
It’s kind of an extreme example, but it really did help me realize that sometimes things like work trips come up, and I need to make sure my children are resilient enough to cope with them.
Anon. says
+1 I think you need to have a chat with your husband about the value of personal time. There’s a reason that employers give paid vacation – it makes for happier and more productive employees. You will be a happier, more engaged parent if you have some ‘vacation time’ (even if that is just an evening off) from your kids.
Anon says
Oh jeez. This is another level of detail that have a lot to unpack. Yeah, being woken up 3-4x a night for weeks – no wonder you are tired! That is not normal or okay. I don’t know if I have great advice on how to shut that down, but it needs to be shut down. Hopefully someone else wise on here can help with the logistics of that. Maybe something like a reward chart for staying in bed for a full night.
Also, your husband is being ridiculous. We both work full time and have nights out together, alone, etc. etc. I feel zero guilt. I pose it to my kids that mommy is having a mommy play date with her friends just like they have play dates with their friends, which they seem on board with. If he wants to spend 100% of his non-working time with the kids, super for him, but that doesn’t mean you have to. (Although that difference does need to be worked out eventually b/c you should be going out alone together for SO many reasons).
Good luck and hugs! The good news is, it seems like you have concrete issues that can hopefully be solved, rather than an unsolvable general tiredness?
Anonanonanon says
Agree. I don’t want to make you feel worse, but that seems like an extreme reaction from your children to mommy going on a trip. Does your husband do anything to shut this down? Is he just allowing it to happen to “punish” you for going (subconsciously even)? Honestly, this reads to me like he’s maybe egging the children on our playing up your absence while you’re gone because he doesn’t believe you should be working on some level. I’m probably digging too deep here.
anon says
This is something my oldest has always done, ever since she ever was. My husband really isn’t to blame. And there is very little that he can do about it when it happens. For instance, my DD will wake up in the middle of the night screaming “Moooommmmmy” frantically, like she’s terrified. If he goes in to calm her, she just freaks out more. If I go in, I can give her a hug and kiss and she will lay down and go back to sleep. We have tried to have him stay and calm her, but that upsets her more and she gets worse, waking more and being more upset. My youngest is similar, though less intense.
He bares most of the brunt of their increased stress when I’m gone, and I’m sure that contributes to why he wants me home. This was true even when I worked BigLaw and my oldest was just a baby. She’d wake more and act out anytime I missed bedtime. It’s truthfully one of the reasons I left Biglaw. I just couldn’t handle being punished at home by my kids every time things got stressful at work.
My husband is a very supportive and hands on father. He spends a ton of time with the kids and takes on an enormous share of the childcare. He also feels strongly that I should be working.
Anon says
So this is not a now fix, but once you’re all more rested, here’s an idea or two to fix what was a similar problem in our house.
Tie something to a milestone – for our 6 year old, it was losing her first tooth. (Random but whatever). Wow! You’re becoming a big kid now! This means you get to start staying in your room all night by yourself, with no mommy or daddy coming in to check on you. Let’s think of reasons why you need us to come in. (For my DD, it was usually a bad dream.) Okay let’s think of things that will help you fix that on your own. How about you pick out a special toy at Target and that can be your “good dream” friend. Then if you wake up, you can hug the good dream friend and pet its hair until you feel better, and go back to sleep. It took a few nights of reinforcing this – mommy can’t come in right now, please hug your mermaid until you feel better – but eventually it stuck.
Same thing with leaving for work or playdates or whatever. We read the book “The Kissing Hand” probably once a month and I will kiss their palm before I leave, or leave a special note for them on the table with my lipstick kiss on it. Then if they miss me, they can look at their palm/note and feel better until I get back.
And then one final trick. We do kid/parent date nights once a month. Dad takes one kid, I take the other (we switch kids each time) and we go out to a special dinner. We put a calendar on our fridge with that day circled so they know that it’s coming each month, or remember that it just happened. They get to pick the place which means a lot of Culvers and Rainforest Cafe and Dennys, but whatever. The important part is they get special uninterrupted time with one parent fully focused on them. That helps tremendously with the clinging and attention seeking – it’s easy to say “I can’t wait to ask you about that on our date!” or “Remember how fun it was when you ordered your own mac and cheese last month? I was so proud of you!”
Anon says
Agreed with 11:44 – this seems like an overreaction and I would start suspecting that DH is not communicating your absence properly to the children.
Emily S. says
First, hugs. Second, it sounds like you have a multi-faceted problem: you and husband view your family roles/family dynamic differently, and your kids want your attention all the time or have become conditioned to the family dynamic and get upset when it changes. As for your husband, how have your conversations about you having a different personality type and needing some time to yourself gone? If they haven’t gone well, maybe you can meet with a therapist (does your employer offer EAP?) to come up with some talking points and learn how to make your case that you have important needs, too, and the health of the family must include your mental and physical health. Because it does. And after you’ve ruled out physical health problems like others have mentioned, come up with ideas for what makes you happy/feel good/look forward to getting out of bed and make the effort to do them. (For this, I liked the book “Time To Parent” to remind me to put my needs up there with everyone else’s and how to find time to do so.) As for your kids, it probably isn’t out of the ordinary for them to miss you like crazy and be concerned that you’re back but waking you up a few times a night for weeks isn’t ideal. Are they doing these together, or independently? It might be worth mentioning to your ped because it seems like they are pretty anxious about you being back. I don’t travel, but I have noticed my kids are more clingy and dial up the sibling rivalry when DH has been traveling. For me, diving back into Janet Lansbury and thinking about the problem I’m trying to solve (reassuring my kids they are safe and loved and raising independent people) rather than begrudging the symptoms (whining and clinging) helps me take a breath and have some patience and strategize for next time. In the moment, though, whew, that’s tough; I usually just give lots of hugs and play the game they want, make the cookies together, etc., for 15 minutes.
anon says
That is rough! I know it seems impossible sometimes to avoid, but if we cater to our kids every cry, then they control our lives and we are held hostage. I can see this in my own life – I try to modify my behavior to prevent my toddler from crying and acting out, but then she ends up calling all the shots, which is ridiculous, because she has no concept of what life involves and what is needed in any given situation. We are the adults, and we know what is best, and we get to decide what is right for the whole family. Your life will suffer and your family’s life will suffer if you are depleted mentally and physically. You need breaks! It is a must.
I don’t have the answers to fix this, but if you can reframe in your mind that your kids reactions are their reactions, and that it is okay for them to be upset and miss you sometimes, you might have greater freedom.
I remember as a kid my mom went to a Bible study in the evenings once a week, and I felt sad when she was gone, but then my dad would take the kids to Taco Bell for dinner (which was a novelty – we never had fast food) and it became a happy, funny memory of time with dad doing something we normally never did. Maybe your husband can take the opportunity to give you a break and have some special dad time with the kids?
anon says
I really am not one to cater to anyone. I do pass up on some opportunities to be gone because it’s not worth the aftermath, but that’s my personal calculus. I do still travel for work and go out for professional events. I just know that there will be a consequence to my family life.
Anonymous says
Regular exercise is the best answer to burnout for me.
Anonymous says
Get screened for depression. I wrote mine off as exhaustion for way too long and feel so much better now.
CHL says
Yes! This is exhausting! I feel you! I normally am not into this but the only vacation with my kids I really look forward to is all inclusive with a kids club. no cooking, little thinking. At home, I make it a point to have babysitting for some times when I have nothing that I have to do. Sunday afternoons I might do an hour of work to get ahead, and then just go get coffee and sit with a book. I have an after school nanny a couple days a week and I’ll leave an hour before I really need to and just sit or take a walk. Also I think really hard about the most important things for me to do at work and i do the others…less well. when I want to. I find adding restorative things like a night with friends or church add energy and don’t feel like obligations but I know others for whom that does work and then need to do less.
Anonanonanon says
-Hot yoga is the only exercise I find restorative. A doctor in my family said the heat in hot yoga actually lowers cortisol levels but I haven’t looked that up independently.
-I know life is just plain exhausting, but have you gotten a physical lately? I’m not a huge believer in supplements etc. but I have autoimmune disease and my doc found that my Vitamin D was crazy low. She put me on a prescription supplement and woo boy did it make a difference. I hadn’t really taken Vitamin D deficiency seriously before that, because the only people I knew who talked about it were more crunchy granola than I am, but it was seriously a game-changer.
-Honestly? save your time off for YOU. Vacations with children are exhausting. Maybe limit those and save some of your time off to rest. Take some days here and there when your kids are still in childcare and you can do whatever you’ll find most helpful. Whether it’s sleeping all day, running errands while it’s less crowded places so you won’t have to over the weekend, getting your hair done, whatever sounds appealing to you!
Anonanonanon says
After reading your husband’s resistance to alone time for you, I strongly encourage the last bullet point. Just tell him you’re “not feeling great” (not a lie, right?) and are going to take off work for the day to rest and recover. None of that is a lie.
Anon says
I’m wondering if I have the same issue re vitamin D deficiency and fatigue. Can you elaborate on what your doctor prescribed and the change you experienced in energy levels?
shortperson says
four hours of babysitting every weekend is the key to my mental health. my kids are so used to it that they see it as an activity and do not mind at all. it’s a regular babysitter and they have their own routien with her. and i go to yoga! get a pedicure! sit in a coffee shop! or work
Hair help says
I need hair help that will make our mornings less of an epic disaster every day. My stylist is recommending a Brazilian blowout – has anyone done this? Apparently the salon (which I like generally) offers it rather than keratin treatments. I remember a few years back everyone was getting these but it seems like they went away and I thought it had something to do with health concerns?
Anonymous says
I just got a keratin express treatment! I got it because it is less permanent than a Brazilian (lasts half the amount of time, also cheaper and doesn’t take as long) and I thought it would be a good way to try it out without the full commitment. Generally I am very happy so far- my hair is smoother and less frizzy, and looks way more “done” than it did previously. I am still figuring out how to style it (I’m not used to having straight hair!), but I’m glad I did it. Re: the Brazilian chemicals, when I was getting it done I chatted about that with my stylist, who said the formulations have come a long way since they first started offering them, and a lot of the problematic chemicals are no longer in there or greatly diluted. But if you want to try it without the harshest stuff, you might look for a salon that offers the express version.
anon says
Thank you to the poster who mentioned Esme & Roy! I had heard of the show but never watched it. I watched it with my 5 year old the other day and she loves it! She has learned so many calming techniques and ways to help with her little sibling. Great show!
Anon says
You’re welcome. I can hear my 2YO do the little breathing exercises when she watches and it’s soooo CUTE.
AIMS says
My kids both love it too.
Anon says
Any tips or advice on how to find a backup baby sitter for when our nanny is unavailable? I work an 80% schedule, so our amazing nanny works with us 32 hours a week and has a second job a few evenings a week. It’s usually not an issue, but every so often, something comes up where I need our nanny to stay late because of my job and she can’t because it conflicts with Job 2. We have no family nearby and my husband travels a lot, so he’s rarely available to step in. We’re expecting our second and I’d love to build out a small group of backup caregivers, but I’m not sure how to do that? My toddler also has massive stranger danger at the moment, so I’d prefer to use the same few people versus a random sitter from an agency.
Anon says
what have you done so far when this situation arises? where i live i am a member of a number of facebook groups to find babysitters. i would have 2 or 3 of them come by at some point when you are home to get to know kiddo so that you have someone to call on when you need to. alternatively, and again i don’t know your financials, but with a second child on the way, could it be worth employing your nanny for more hours each week so she doesn’t need the second job and having a second set of hands with bedtime or you and DH could sneak away for a date night if he isn’t traveling, or she could maybe do some additional household chores. if you can afford it, it might be well worth the money to avoid the stress of having to scramble.
anon says
This highly depends on your relationship with your nanny, but can you ask her if she knows anyone who would be a good backup person? I think there’s a way to do it without implying that it’s her responsibility. She may know other nannies or former nannies, gig workers, etc. Our former nanny has recommended every person (besides herself and extended family) who has babysat our 4 year old. That said, she’s like family to us, and she has always volunteered names. Everyone she’s recommended has been a friend and has significant experience with children–former nannies, former daycare teachers, children’s swim instructors, etc.
Anon says
I don’t know why this didn’t occur to me – thank you! Great idea.
Ifiknew says
Does anyone have advice for why 4 month old baby will only nurse for 5 mins on one side then refuses but will down a 6 oz pumped bottle? There’s no way hes getting 6 oz in 5 mins. He then wants to snack all day and night long.
Buble says
Bottle flow is much easier/faster than nipple flow.
Anon says
Are you using size 0 n1pples? Try that.
If you are (and even if you aren’t), your kid may just prefer bottles, lots do (KellyMom and the like disagrees, but my friends’ experiences say otherwise). It’s rough, and you may end up exclusively pumping or switching to formula. Good luck.
Irish Midori says
Just settled (favorably!) a very stressful case I expected to have to try all day today and took my assistant out for steak and a glass of wine to celebrate! How’s your Thursday?
P.S. Do I still have to work this afternoon?
Anonymous says
Congrats! I would definitely play hooky for the afternoon.