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I’m at a point in my life where I can start exploring products featuring “anti-aging” ingredients — and I also have the wisdom that the best skincare isn’t necessarily the most expensive.
During Sephora’s recent sale, I added The Inkey List’s Retinol Anti-Aging Serum to my shopping basket. As with most retinol products, this serum addresses wrinkles and fine lines, dullness, and uneven texture. Its slow-release formula is less irritating and includes squalane for soothing hydration.
Did I mention it’s also a Clean at Sephora product and a fraction of the price of other retinols? I’m gradually adding it to my evening routine, and so far, my skin feels firmer and smoother.
The serum is $9.99 at Sephora.
Sales of note for 3.28.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – Up to 40% off your full-price purchase; extra 50% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything plus extra 20% off purchase
- Eloquii – 50% off 2+ items; 40% off 1
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- Lands’ End – 10% off your order
- Loft – 50% off everything
- Nordstrom: Give $150 in gift cards, earn a $25 promo card (ends 3/31)
- Talbots – 40% off 1 item; 25% off everything else
- Zappos – 37,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – 50% off entire site
- Hanna Andersson – 30% off all swim; up to 30% off HannaJams
- J.Crew Crewcuts – 40% off sitewide; 50% off select swim; 50% off kids’ styles
- Old Navy – 50% off Easter deals
- Target – 20% off Easter styles for all; up to 30% off kitchen & dining; BOGO 50% off shoes & slippers for the family;
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Clementine says
Looking for interesting podcasts but – here’s the kick – I want to be able to listen to them around kids.
I’m not looking for something kid-centric, but I’m looking for something with no swearing, not about serial killers, etc.
(Right now I’ve got Wait Wait, Don’t Tell me… but a cooking podcast would be good.)
anon says
This Podcast Will Kill You is great if you’re up for listening about infectious diseases…
Patricia Gardiner says
Love this one!
AIMS says
I really like Judge John Hodgman & Stuff You Should Know.
Anon says
Stuff you Missed in History Class is fun. They give a heads-up in the begining of the show if there’s something particuarly bad/not kid friendly.
Anon says
The Freakanomics Podcast is really good, as is More or Less from the BBC. I also really like American History Tellers. All of these deal with some “adult” subjects (death, war, etc.), but they’re not explicit and you should be able to tell when those things are coming.
I don’t have a good cooking one now, but I used to really like The Sporkful. Over the past few years, I found it to get really “social-justice-y,” to the point that it was annoying and rarely had much to do with the food, but if you can get the earlier episodes, those are much better (and they were for a while encouraging kids to listen too, though that’s fallen by the wayside it seems).
Spirograph says
I believe there’s a Splendid Table podcast. The host changed a couple years ago and I miss the woman who previously hosted, but I’ve always enjoyed that show.
Not cooking, but Marketplace, Marketplace Tech, and especially Make Me Smart are among my favorites and no objectionable content for kids. Most of it will go over their heads
Anonymous says
The only podcasts I enjoy are not podcasts but actual NPR shows. Content originally produced as a podcast is always too overwrought and precious, or just plain boring. In addition to Wait Wait, Don’t Tell Me, I like Science Friday and Fresh Air.
LittleBigLaw says
During lockdown, Samin Nosrat and Hrishikesh Hirway put out a really lovely short-run cooking podcast called “Home Cooking.”
Louisa says
I loves this so much!
octagon says
I like Good Food with Evan Kleiman. She usually starts out with a market report of what’s currently in season and talks to chefs and other food personalities, very multicultural. She’s on the West Coast and it’s fun to hear what’s different from the mid-Atlantic.
SC says
I really like the Milk Street podcast. It’s definitely safe to listen to around kids, and I often listen to it on weekends while I’m doing dishes and my kid is playing nearby. It’s divided up into segments–interviews, answering call-in questions (with Sarah Moulton), and conversations with regular guests. There’s one quick segment where they walk through a recipe. I can never follow it, but I’ve looked up a couple of the recipes later and made them. Having different segments, but with an overall formula, makes it easy to follow while I’m multi-tasking.
Allie says
How I Built This with Guy Raz might be a good fit.
Clementine says
Thank you all!
I was listening to one this weekend while cleaning and suddenly one of the hosts related a story that involved… enough f bombs that I actually dove and then did that weird ‘fumble to turn off your phone- OMG why is it connecting to the speaker now – AHHH make it stop!’ thing.
Anonymous says
Table Manners! Or Eat the Menu
anon says
We’re trying to decide if we want to put in a low deck (like one step up from the ground–taller would block the light going into our basement windows) or a patio in our backyard. Anyone have pro/cons for these or things we should keep in mind while designing? The main goal is a place to put the grill and table that’s not just the lawn like our current set up.
Anonymous says
Wood is more maintenance. It will have to be stained from time to time, which is a pain. If you’re going with a deck, I’d recommend looking into composites. We had a great patio at a house we were in for too brief of a time, and it had basically zero maintenance.
AnonATL says
Composite options are nearly the same cost as pressure treated decks now due to the high cost of lumber.
fwiw, we have a deck about a step or two up from ground level that is wood with Behr deckover. There’s also a railing which I think is building code over something like 2 feet off the ground.
My husband wants to replace it with a patio eventually because of maintenance, but the idea of walking down a step or two to get out back does not appeal to me. We go in and out a lot with the dogs.
Clementine says
We have small children and one of the reasons we are going with a patio is that we don’t want people to step off the deck by mistake. Not just kids, but also adults who push their chairs too far back. The alternate is that you need a rail around the entire thing.
Anon says
Wooden railings around the deck are super standard, at least based on what I’ve observed in my neighborhood. I don’t think I’ve seen any decks without them. Because the railing isn’t solid I don’t think it would add that much total cost to the materials. Not sure about labor. That said, I still vote patio because decks are a lot of work to maintain.
Clementine says
(Note: you’re probably right but for some reason when they described this I was picturing the deck at my BFF’s house which is very low (like 6-10 inches off the ground) and thus, doesn’t have a rail… It’s basically the height a step would be.)
OP says
Yeah, that is the height that we were thinking, but you make a valid point that us klutzy adults will fall off even if the kids are fine!
Anonymous says
Our neighbors have a low deck with steps completely surrounding it and no railing. It makes for a nice, seamless transition to the grass and looks much fancier to me than either a patio or a traditional deck with railing and a small staircase.
I would look into composite decking. The maintenance on wood is an expensive hassle, even more so if you have a dog whose toenails will beat up the finish.
Anon says
Patio. If you don’t maintain the deck really well it will splinter which can be really bad with little kids. Animals also get into the space under the deck – we’re constantly having to drag our dog out of there, I assume because wild animals have gotten under there and died and she smells it.
OP says
Wow, half an hour later it’s basically unanimous that a patio is the best option! That’s what we were leaning towards based on our limited knowledge of cost/maintenance, but glad to know we’re not missing some key feature of decks!
Anon says
I think there are some homes where a patio just isn’t an option. Like the house where i grew up, you’d have no choice but a deck that is a number of feet off the ground Bc the back of the house is not level with the ground and decks were very common. Now I live in a different area of the country and almost no one has decks and everyone has patios
Anonymous says
This. I grew up in southern California, where houses are built on concrete slabs. Everyone there had patios. Now we live in the SEUS, where houses are all built on raised foundations and you’d need a staircase at least 4 feet tall to get down to a patio. The only patios I see are built at the bottoms of decks.
Anon says
+1, in the Midwest and most people have decks or patio-deck combinations where the patios are built at the bottom of the stairs down from the deck. I don’t think it would work to build a patio right outside the house because the back entrance is not level with the ground.
Anon says
I have a huge patio and a four step staircase (with small landing) out the back door. I don’t see how that’s odd/confusing? I’m team patio because it’s less upkeep and you can make it as large as you want it (ours is so big our kids can ride their scooters and bikes on it)
Anonymous says
To me a staircase straight down from the back door impedes the flow between the indoor and outdoor living spaces. A deck or patio that is at the same level as the house seems more like part of the house, and is more inviting for a quick step outdoors.
Anon says
I refused to buy a house with a deck because I didn’t want to bother with wood maintenance, and trex starts looking pretty rough toward the end of its life (we were looking at older houses). As for patios, you want to think about cracking and sinking and water runoff. We just had to do a number of repairs on our brick patio because of cracking from settlement (the concrete pad underneath cracked as well). If you have tree roots as well, that can be an issue, and heavy patios can damage the roots if you have large trees. If I had to do it all over (which we might in 5 years to expand the sunroom and patio), I would do stamped concrete with fairly frequent seams or a paver patio that would be more permeable and able to absorb more settlement. I love the look of slate, but our backyard is shady and I think it would be too slippery with rain and moss or mold (we have to powerwash the brick a few times a year as it is).
Mary Moo Cow says
+1 on the slippery factor. Our neighbors were dismayed that the lovely shiny concrete patio they put in was incredibly slippery when wet — which was often, because they also had a giant inflatable water bounce house pool thing, so the kids would play in it and run up to the patio to get snack, etc., track water all over it, and slip. I think it was a combination of the finish and not enough stamps/grooves in the design of the concrete that made it so slippery.
anonymommy says
Piggybacking off of this — we are looking to update our patio. Currently, it is brick, and the kids pull out the very old loose ones (really great and safe ugh — now the holes AND the bricks are tripping hazards!).
Contemplating pavers, regular concrete, and stamped concrete. I’m leaning stamped. Any tips/considerations?
We live in the midwest, so do have a lot of snow/ice to consider. And, there’s also a deck, so the patio is more for playing and the bonfire pit, rather than for patio furniture/bbq.
Anonymous says
I’ve had both in the past and I’m Team Deck (but with railing, and maybe composite). I like that you can hose off the deck and it dries much more quickly. If there are ants, just spray them quickly. My patio is great but…also requires maintenance. It has to be power washed. If it’s not installed right, you get weeds popping up in the cracks.
My kids complain that the patio gets too hot (though composite decks can, too!).
Anonymous says
If you have a Sienna or the redesigned Odyssey, how hard are the grooves that adjust the middle row seats to keep clean? I am envisioning it becoming ultra nasty between stomach bugs, car sicknesses, snacks, and dog hair. My older odyssey has a flat floor with latches the seats clip into and I can actually clean it. Maybe something like weather tech floor mats would cover the grooves (but then maybe it is hard to shimmy up a seat to access the third row)? How are things IRL?
Anonymous says
I’ve had a 2020 since 1/2020 and this hasn’t been an issue. The in car vac fits nicely between the grooves. I’ve never had to clean up puke though.
Anon says
This is for the poster whose son wanted to get his grandmother dragon earrings. My friend sells jewelry made from skin her snakes shed. I have a super cool pair of yellow dangly earrings and a ring. She currently has some leftover yellow and some purple and pink. This could look like dragon scales/skin instead of snake if you are looking for something really unique.
https://www.etsy.com/shop/theflameboutique/?fbclid=IwAR0Je58nqAjZJiGr8WBFfvxRQD_4HjTCG3lc8uR6KDT86BEBy2Sf_et0OAQ
Spirograph says
These are cool!
Anonymous says
Cute kids stories to kick off a rainy Monday? My 5 year old is really into Hamilton lately, and requests “my shot” over and over again. Last night at dinner, after we said grace and did our normal cheers, he threw his cup back up in the air and shouted “raise a glass to freedom!” DH and I cracked up, so he of course did it three more times and I suspect this will be a new tradition.
Anon says
This is amazing. There’s a Hamilton St in our neighborhood and my 3 year old yells “The street where it happened!” whenever we go there. I’m jealous of
Anon says
haha oops “I’m jealous of” was not supposed to be there!
Cb says
It’s a bank holiday here and our zoo trip was a washout. Glad we have membership so we could bail after 2 hours. But we had a lovely playdate yesterday, my son and a nursery pal who is turning 5. The boys played so, so nicely together, doing lego sets, and the parents were awesome so we just sat in the garden and chatted for ages.
SSJD says
Cute story: We hosted an event in our yard for middle school students this weekend. My older two kids were out there having a nice time, but every time I check in I found the loud giggling out of control. Middle school girls giggle a lot!
I came inside to my 9-year old twins and said, “I’m so glad to come back in to be with 9 year olds because those big kids are so giggly and silly”. My son looked at me very seriously but with great warmth and said, “I’m here for you.” It was really adorable.
So Anon says
That’s awesome!
Anonymous says
My 21-month old son’s grandpa came to visit this weekend. He wants to be called Pops, and my son is almost there — he calls him “Pots!” It was so cute to hear him say “Pots!” all weekend long.
Anon says
Aww! It might stick :) My daughter still calls my parents by gibberish names she made up when she was 16 months old.
Anon says
Took my kid to pickup a curbside order at the hardware store yesterday afternoon (in a failed effort to elicit a short car nap after a hard day of playing with the neighborhood kid), and she saw the garden center and was so sad that we weren’t going look at plants. So I figured browsing would be fine (it’s outdoors, the weather was lovely, we had the time) and of course we came home with a bunch of unnecessary flowers at her request for the already mostly full backyard and spent early evening planting them while she held (and then reburied) the various worms we dug up. She would tell me stories about the worms (“he wants to go home and eat dinner” “this is the mama and baby worm” “the worms are scared, I should tell them stories”). It warms my heart that she is growing up to love gardening.
Cb says
Oh fun! We went to the nursery on Saturday and my son said he wanted to be a garden centre worker / a plant expert when he grows up.
So Anon says
At the end of a long weekend (complete with me being down and out on Friday from my 2nd vaccine), my 7 year old was a bit cranky and tired last night. As we were getting ready for bed, I said that she needed to tone down the whining voice. Then she starting making this groaning sigh noise that was driving me crazy. I gave her a look, and she responded, “Ok. I won’t even breathe with a mood.” I laughed, and it totally broke the mood.
Clementine says
My kiddo also loves “My Shot” (which he refers to as ‘the scrappy Hamilton song’.
Fun fact: his love of Hamilton and his love of dinosaurs combined in a wonderful way. When he was 4, he had a lot of questions about dinosaur bones… to the point where he asked, ‘Has anybody found Hamilton’s bones?’
At that point, his history of the universe was something like, ‘The world began, Dinosaurs lived and died, the Pyramids were built, Hamilton lived and died, Mommy and Daddy were born, I was born.’
Anon says
That’s amazing.
Pistachio Lemon says
haha. that’s amazing. My 5-year old told me that dinosaurs evolved into chickens in the 1970s. I cracked up because this is ancient times to him.
anonamommy says
So my kindergartener has been back in the classroom for two weeks and another girl is being really mean to her. Coming up to her and saying she’s stupid, or annoying, or that no one wants to play with her. As far as my kid can tell there was nothing that set this particular thing off (they are 6, so who knows). My daughter is really upset and was dreading going to school today. I’ve been inclined to let the kids (and teacher) work this out, but at what point do you reach out to the other parent and say hey, your kid is giving mine a rough time, what’s that about? I am friendly with the mom, we have texted a few times throughout lockdown but we are not close. I know this is just the beginning of years of friend drama but it was nice to not have it for most of the year. I feel like I would want to know, but interested in other thoughts/perspectives.
Anon says
Personally I would be inclined to let the teacher know and ask him/her to address this before you approach the other parent directly.
Mary Moo Cow says
I don’t when it happens at school. That falls under classroom management, for me. I let the teacher know, asking if we can talk, bearing in mind that I’m only hearing one side of the story. If teacher doesn’t step in, then I would escalate to the school social worker, teacher leader, or vice principal. When bad news about your kid comes from a third party, it seems more objective, to me — it’s about what’s happening at school, whereas when a friend tells me my kid is being mean toward their kid, it colors the friendship. Hearing it from a teacher preserves the adult friendship.
FWIW, every time I’ve brought up friendship drama to the teacher — and I have a K-student, too, so coming from a daycare of 8 to a classroom of 16 was a transition — the teacher has been aware and is working on strategies from talking to the whole class about kindness, moving desks, chatting with my kid about making more/different friends, etc.
avocado says
+1. I’d start by asking the teacher what she has noticed about the dynamic between your daughter and the other girl, then give her your daughter’s perspective. Under no circumstances would I raise it with the other child’s parent. Confronting the parent yourself has a 99% likelihood of exacerbating the problem.
If your daughter is kind and easy to get along with, watch our for teachers deliberately encouraging “friendships” with “difficult” kids. This happened to my daughter in elementary school with two different kids and three different teachers. It was really hard to push back against, especially once the assigned “friends” had latched on to her.
Spirograph says
+1 you need to talk to the teacher more, first, her insights are going to be very valuable. There’s a possibility that this a mutual dynamic between the two girls (I’m 100% projecting here, but this is the case with my daughter). Support your daughter, regardless; she’s having a tough time and her perception is her reality, but I wouldn’t go so far as to take her word as the objective truth and engage with the other mom on that premise.
We’ve had trouble off and on with my 6 year old and another girl in her K class this year. After a couple months of regular dialogue with the teacher, I did eventually say in passing to the other mom, “I’m sure you’ve heard about the drama between the girls at school,” and she threw up her hands and said, “omigosh I know, I’m at the end of my rope. This crazy year!” and we laughed off how we’ve both been trying everything we can think of to coach our kids on how to interact kindly and appropriately, and need to just set aside $$ for therapy. FWIW, time might be the best fix anyway: after a tough couple months in the winter, our girls are great friends at the moment.
SSJD says
I am sorry for your daughter. These are important life experiences, but still really unpleasant. I would tell the teacher to make sure it’s on his/her radar.
Since you know the parent, I’d reach out and suggest a get together (kids and parents) at a park or in your yard to build positive experiences between your two kids. Don’t decide the other kid is bad. Provide opportunity to build trust and friendship.
Anon says
I feel like the last suggestion – to have them get together privately – is a little risky. I get the hope, that with all involved they will then have this epiphany of appreciating the other. But I don’t know. I was bullied in elementary school – although at an older age than OPs kid – and trust me when I say this would not have helped and likely have just made me feel much, much worse. I’d be curious to hear if this suggestion has worked for others.
I agree with the first part and most others to reach out to the teacher.
Anonymous says
One of my kids was bullied horribly at school (verbally by several kids and hit several times by a different kid, all girls) and this would have been really horrible for her. At least at school, the teachers were neutral third parties and she could look for separation, but in this situation, I’d have been exposing her to something harmful with no adults to look to for rescue or escape. I couldn’t bear to do something like this and feel that leaving if things got testy would have been even more damaging.
Anon says
I had the exact same reaction. If a group of girls were collectively being mean to OP’s kid, then I can see how one-on-one playdates might help to break the dynamic and allow the kids to have positive individual interactions that could carry over into a better experience at school. But since the comments appear to all be coming from this one kid, I really doubt a playdate would do much good and I think the message (“we’re making you spend even more time with this kid that’s already bullying you”) could be really really damaging to OP’s kid. I tend to believe the best thing parents can do to support a kid who’s getting bullied (other than talking to the teacher) is just to cheer the kid up and distract them from their problems at school, a la Taylor Swift’s The Best Day.
Anon says
Yeah, I would do this with like a four year old but not an elementary age kid. It’s a nice thought, but too much potential to backfire.
Anonymous says
I would have hated to have the kid who was mean to me over at my backyard. My home was my safe space. I think ‘don’t assume the other kid is a bad kid’ and ‘have them over for a playdate in a pandemic’ are too different things.
Anon says
This.
Anon says
I definitely wouldn’t reach out to the parent – there are myriad ways that goes wrong and almost none where that goes well. Try the teacher – this is classroom management.
anon says
Don’t reach out to the other mom; I can guarantee it won’t go well and won’t solve the issue. Do bring it up with the teacher and ask him/her about what they’ve observed about the girls’ relationships. Also be specific about how it’s affecting your daughter (i.e., she is dreading going into school). Go into the conversation open-minded, and you may be surprised with what you learned and how it gets handled. Most teachers do want to put the kibosh on this type of behavior, especially if it’s getting in the way of learning, which it sounds like it is. I’m sorry your daughter is dealing with this. My kiddo has been dealing with this nonsense off and on the whole school year, and I sympathize with how hard and draining it is.
Anonymous says
Give your kid a couple of phrases to say back: ‘That’s mean’ or ‘I don’t care what you think’. Role play standing up for herself.
Tell the teacher immediately so she can watch for the interaction and intervene. Do not involve the other mom when you haven’t even told the teacher yet.
Anon says
Yes, this.
Anonymous says
My kid complained about being called annoying this weekend, too. My kid can be really annoying. The girl that said it is a friend of hers, so the convo we had was:
“Well, what were you doing when B said you were annoying?”
“Nothing.”
“Really?” (high skepticism)
“Well, I was talking with X.”
“You know, when you and X get together, you have those giggle fits. I find them annoying. If you are really not sure what you are doing to be annoying, next time just ask B. You guys are friends. She doesn’t think you ARE annoying, she thinks you are BEING annoying. And maybe she was just feeling a little left out because you were talking to X and not her.”
“Oh, yeah well maybe.”
“It’s important to learn how to be a good friend. When people do things that bother you, you need to let them know. What would a more kind way have been for B to tell you your behavior was bothering her?”
Anonymous says
Your kid complained that her friend called her annoying and you told her she is annoying when she giggles? Wow.
Spirograph says
Eh, I think this is a fair conversation depending on the age of the kid in question. Learning that your intent with an action and how that action is perceived by others might be different is really important. See also: microagressions, allyship. I also draw the distinction between “acting” annoying (or any other negative desciptor), and just being annoying as a character trait. Same as making a bad choice vs being a bad person.
I had a similar conversation with my son this morning when he came down for breakfast just making all kinds of nonsense noises, which was way too much for pre-coffee Monday morning. Sometimes kids act annoying, and to me, it’s OK to call them on it.
Anonymous says
I feel like the ‘acting’ vs ‘being’ something is a distinction that adults love to make that is not well understood by kindergarterners like OP’s kid. It’s totally possible to say ‘I don’t like it when you make nonsense noises. Please stop’ instead of ‘stop those annoying noises’. The noises are not objectively annoying – he thought they were fun – they are something you don’t like.
Anonymous says
I made this comment, and my kid is NOT in kindergarten. She’s 8. She knows / is learning and able to comprehend the difference between a person that IS annoying, and behavior that IS annoying. That was our exact discussion. B doesn’t think she IS annoying; they are good friends. My daughter was behaving in an annoying way.
Spirograph says
Yes, my kid is 8 as well, and also understands this distinction when he cares to think about it, but fair point that kids aren’t always great at linguistic nuance. My actual wording was more along the lines of paraphrasing Dwight Shrute: “When I think about doing something, I think, is this likely to annoy the people around me right now? and if the answer is yes, I do not do that thing”
Anonymous says
So….just as a personal anecdote because “annoying” is a trigger word for me. One time when I was 8 I think I was just trying to get my mom to play with me on the weekend. And I’m sure from her perspective she was a working mom with 3 kids and just wanted to read a book. But she called me annoying and I literally cried so much I was hyperventilating and my dad had to get me to breath into a bag. And I was so upset because yeh I was probably an annoying child and other kids had called me that and now my own MOM had called me that. So I’d really be careful about how you describe your kids behavior
Anonymous says
Yes, I did. It’s not giggling, it’s a super annoying behavior/dynamic between the two of them that is both cliquey and grating. But thanks as always for the judgement!
Anonymous says
Thanks as always for the vague posting and then blaming people for not guessing the specifics.
OP’s post was about a K student. An 8 year old is a different age range.
AnonAnon says
I don’t really know what I want, but everything just seems too much. Maybe just some reassurance I won’t feel like this forever. I did really well in the pandemic until around November and since then its just been kind of a mess. I got a promotion that seems to have resulted in more stress because of more work but not actually better work or elimination of any of the jobs that I used to have. I just have to do all the things I did before and now have to add just a few more things. The result is I’m behind on everything. I’ve spoken to my boss about it but we can’t hire anyone and everyone else is at max capacity so this is just the way its going to be for the foreseeable future. DH also has a big job and has been working 80+ hour weeks for weeks on end. That also just seems to be the way it is because they hired and then a bunch of folks left and senior management feels burned and doesn’t want to hire anyone else. We have a toddler and a nanny, which is fine, but not quite enough childcare. We asked the nanny to work more hours and she declined. We have a contract and my kid loves her to death so I’m not inclined to fire her in favor or finding someone new. Toddler has been sick so there have been numerous trips to the pediatrician and no solution to the illness yet. We have house cleaning and meal delivery. We used to send laundry out but the service just stopped running so I have to find something new. Meanwhile, there is a mountain of clean clothes on the bed. We’re both nearly fully vaccinated but not yet. 3 more weeks. We have no local family and even if we did they aren’t really well enough to help. We’re having fertility struggles and that is just daunting. I’m so exhausted and fed up with everything. One of our pets started throwing up over the weekend and normally that kind of thing passes in a day or two and we watch and wait. Well we did that and they aren’t getting better so we need a trip to the vet now. I’d love a day off but that is so not in the cards at the moment. Every one of these things is manageable on its own but ugh its just a lot together. Ugh. Sorry for the rant.
rakma says
I relate to many of the stressors you listed here, and the feeling that it’s all to much when taken together. My usual mode of dealing with things is to put my head down and power through, but it’s not a long term solution.
Gently, if you’re already behind on work, taking a day off isn’t going to change that, but it might allow you the breathing room to take care of some of the other things that are weighing you down. I find taking a Monday off allows me to build on any momentum I had from the weekend, and sometimes you just need a weekday to accomplish things like vet appointments.
I’ve also found then when I have a lot of decisions to make, even the small ones become overwhelming. So while a weekend babysitter or new laundry service will help in the long run, it might seem daunting to figure out how to get that set up. Can your husband make some calls or figure out how to set one of those things up?
Anonymous says
It sounds like you are doing everything you can do to cope right now and employing all of your resources. I would take a day off as the other poster suggested. I would also then seriously contemplate job hunting and not just for you. Both of those workloads seem unsustainable in the long run. Employers are always going to choose to overwork current employees rather than actually sucking it up and hiring more people until someone actually says no and quits.
anon says
I am really sorry. I have been there, done that with the promotion that results in more work and less support. It’s hard, and do keep bringing it up with your boss. To the extent you can, I would try to drastically cut back on meetings and other commitments for a week or two until you can get caught up. I also would try some short-term EAP counseling; I found that it helped somewhat. It didn’t change my workload, but it did allow me to release some of the guilt about not being able to stay on top of everything.
So Anon says
I can relate so much. I agree with the others to take a day off to take care of the other things in your life. One strategy that I find helpful before taking the day off is to do a total brain dump. Take out a piece of paper (or 5) and write down everything that is in your brain – no matter how small or big. Write it all down. Then go back through and decide what needs to be taken care of in the next week, next three months, and what can wait 6+ months. For that stuff that needs to be handled soon, see if there is anything you can outsource, hand-off to the nanny or your partner. What is left is what you tackle in your day off. Also, I do a similar thing with my boss: write down all the things. Go to your boss with your understanding of your priorities, and what is not being done/falling behind. I go through the same type of exercise: what needs to be done now, in the next three months and what can wait. You just can’t do all the things in the next week or two, so make a conscious choice about what is being intentionally neglected.
Anonymous says
A radical question, and perhaps just a thought exercise: do you both need to be working in your current jobs? DH and I used to have jobs like you describe and it was awful. Things have changed over the years- but all of the changes have been to jobs that are less brutal. Our HHI is less than it was, and certainly less than it would be now if we had kept on the dual-high-income track. But honestly, we have a very comfortable life and I wouldnt’ go back to the madness.
What would it look like if DH took a different job, and you kept on your current track? Or if you moved from your current org to another? I’m not suggesting either of you flat out quit, but go through the exercise of switching into different roles.
Anon says
+1
H13 says
How do you regulate YouTube usage in your house? My 7 (almost 8) yo likes to watch Minecraft videos but I am really having a hard time with how he parrots these youtube gamer guys and ads and it just feels, well, yucky a lot of the time. We only let him use YouTube Kids but even then he just clicks and clicks and clicks and ends up who knows where. I realistically can’t be there with him to monitor usage. How do you manage it in your home?
Anonymous says
I have had it with schools insisting that YouTube and other videos teach our kids b/c even if they did work as teaching aids, it doesn’t account for the 7 or 8 other videos my kids will watch after the one they were assigned to. And since it’s school related, I can’t get it off of their school-issued computers or our home ones. I want to convert to being Amish after this year (or insist on workbooks and teacher instruction). This is like expecting a person to do just a little bit of OxyContin and not a bit more.
avocado says
I will sign your petition to ban YouTube instruction. Instead of actually teaching, one of my daughter’s teachers assigns the class to watch YouTube videos of student projects from other school districts. This is in a high school honors class.
Anonymous says
OMFG that is bad. At least assign the kids to MAKE their own YouTube channel then? Our school system wants people to sign their kids up for summer school (I’m sure: for $, not b/c it’s good) and after a year of this I’m just sending my kids to nature camp so that they can be outdoors and detox from this awful habit they have developed. We don’t let them drive or get tattoos or vote at their age b/c their minds aren’t formed yet and they make bad decisions and yet we expect that they will self-regulate screen time when it is the only fun thing they have left (no school, no friends coming over, no clubs, no activities). Now that the weather is better at least they could see kids in the park now, but only on weekends b/c my work day extends past when they get done zooming.
avocado says
Yeah, I have no problem with assigning the kids to make videos and then watch each other’s videos in class. We did that way back in the 1990s with VHS camcorders. But outsourcing your lecturing to student-produced YouTube content? No way.
Lazy on-line PE teachers in our district are actually getting the kids to spend time outdoors. One of my daughter’s friends has PE this semester, and every day’s assignment is “go outside for the entire class period.” My daughter earned one PE credit last summer by walking the dog, and plans to earn another one this summer by riding her bike with a friend.
Anonymous says
I love PE teachers assigning time outside!
Anonymous says
I don’t allow it at all. I grew up with half an hour of PBS a day and that’s it, and I firmly agree with my mother that screens are bad
No Face says
My house became a screen time jamboree during the pandemic, but I do NOT allow kids to watch youtube unattended. I do not trust that platform at all. Who knows what my kid will end up watching after the intended video is over?
Some youtubers are so famous that their shows are on other platforms as a “season” like Hulu and Amazon Prime. My oldest loves Ryan’s World which is just a family doing crafts, science experiments, and playing with toys. Maybe there is a Minecraft person who has videos on another platform?
H13 says
That’s a really interesting idea. I will definitely look for that!
rakma says
We use a time limit–I think youtube has one built into parental controls, but my kids are good about using an actual timer.
We also watch some youtube as a family–we treat that like TV shows where we watch an episode and we’re done, we don’t watch it for hours and hours, so I guess it’s a modelling thing? (Or I’m making it up as we go)
Anon says
My daughter is only 3 but we currently have zero YouTube and I hope to keep that up at least until she’s in K-12 school. I have no problem with screentime in moderation – she watches Daniel Tiger on the PBS App and sometimes we watch movies on the weekends- but I’m very strict about limiting access to Youtube.
Anoon says
HA, thank you to the POOPCUP department for this hilarious projection 9 years into your future I am LOLing. Let’s check in when your kid is OP’s kid’s age.
anon says
I have no idea. My 11-year-old uses YouTube for positive things (watching videos of violinists, science content, etc.), but I know he gets pulled down into other rabbit holes, and I hate it. I can tell when he’s watched influencer-type content because the sudden he starts talking like a sassy little a-hole. I also can’t hover over him every second he’s on a screen. We do spend a lot of time talking about inappropriate vs. appropriate use, but I know that’s not really enough. I’d cut it off altogether if it weren’t for the actual good content that he’s viewing. (However, I don’t think it would be unreasonable to do so — I know several parents who have outright banned YouTube, and I don’t blame them a bit.)
octagon says
I would not allow unfettered access, even to YTKids, for a 7-8 year old. Too much slips through the content moderators.
Can you watch videos at night and add them to a playlist, and only allow him to watch what’s on the playlist? If you can’t do that, regularly check his history to see what he’s seen.
H13 says
I like this idea. We are definitely considering an outright ban but this is a solution I hadn’t thought of. Thank you!
CPA Lady says
Kid is 6 and we almost never allow it. And I’m permissive with a lot of things. We used to allow a lot of youtube videos when she was a pre-schooler and watched nursery rhyme videos, Peppa, and videos of people making stuff out of playdoh and slime. Then she’d click around and it had started getting weird. Then I read an article about where all the weird content comes from and how even the videos on youtube kids are not really moderated/ screened as much as you’d think they’d be, I cut her off cold turkey and got netflix.
It’s too bad, because there is a lot of good, interesting content on youtube, but there are so many pitfalls and so much inappropriate content and ads that who knows what she could click on. I also have neither the time nor the interest to watch a bunch of the kind of content she’d want to watch to pre-screen it in the limited amount of free time that I have. I’m honestly not sure what age I’d let her have (mostly) unfettered access to youtube. Is never an option? Maybe middle school? But it would need to come with lots of conversations.
Also– when it comes to attitude/behavior/parroting things– kiddo knows that when she watches shows that make her have a bad attitude or talk in a way that is not respectful, kind, or appropriate, those shows get banned. I think if your kid is going to continue to watch this kind of content, having a conversation about your expectations of his behavior can be part of the deal.
Anon says
So, to be honest, I hate YouTube for almost everything and don’t let our kids sit and watch it….but…my 7 year old son LOVES Minecraft and he watches the gamer videos as part of his Minecraft playing. I think they are the YouTube gamer videos launched from the Minecraft program itself (these particular gamers must have some relationship with Minecraft), not from random browsing of YouTube. We let him because that is where he learns to do SO much on Minecraft, and a lot of it is pretty cool, including as far as I can tell some very beginning coding.
We do have a limit on the iPad for both Minecraft and an even shorter one for YouTube, and when the limits go up he is surprisingly pretty cool about accepting them, given how obsessed he is. I have occasionally listened in the background to the gamers and as long as they are focused on the game, eh, I’m okay. That being said, he has said the word “frickin” a couple of times which he definitely got from there so we’ve had to have conversations shutting that down. There is definitely risk that something more nefarious works it’s way in, but balanced with the reward of how much he LOVES watching these things and how much he’s learning, I’m willing to take it.
H13 says
Thank you for your perspective. We’ve had “frickin” pop up a few times too. And then the ensuing conversation. My son also just loved MC and he does learn from the videos. The things he can do in the game are so amazing.
Io says
YouTube is only on the TV. We have Google TV and the TV is visible from the kitchen. We subscribe to a lot of pre-approved channels.
My kid is five and into crafting, which tends to be women, but she likes tabletop RPG miniatures too and I try to keep a closer eye on those. So far it’s working.
AwayEmily says
Has anyone tried doing some kind of a parent-share system for aftercare? My daughter is going to be starting kindergarten next year and it doesn’t look like they’ll be offering aftercare due to COVID. She has a friend from daycare who will also be in K…we were thinking of doing something where one of the 4 parents took the two girls from 2-4:30 Mon-Thurs. We all have pretty flexible schedules (academia) but maybe this is too fraught? We’re all within walking distance of the school, too. The kiddos love each other, they are both incredibly easy kids, and I like the parents fine though we’re not BFFs. Or maybe we should just pool resources and hire someone to watch them.
Anonymous says
This seems pretty low-risk, since you’re not giving up an aftercare spot. Why not try it and then hire someone if having the parents watch the kids doesn’t work out?
Anon says
I don’t think it’s too fraught. It requires the right recipe, but I think you have it – kids like each other, families get along, both physically close to the school. Only thing I would add is being on the same page about big picture things like screentime and food (or agreeing that there are different rules in different houses, which works too). In the 1980s, when more moms stayed home I think this kind of childcare sharing was common. I went to a neighbor/classmate’s after school most days and then my mom took all three kids (classmate and her younger sibling) on weekend afternoons so the neighbor SAHM could rest.
Anon says
i have a friend who did this a bit this year with virtual schooling, but it wasn’t four days a week. one day, one family took 2 second graders for virtual schooling and another day the other family took them. this is me pointing out the challenges – what happens when one kid is sick, one parent is sick, one family maybe has kiddo skip a day of school for something, etc. Or if things like playdates start up again (depending on comfort level), and one kid has something with another kid? My kids are younger, but I’ve heard the transition to K can be challenging, and i guess what if the girls suddenly decide they don’t like each other? do you know yet if they will be in the same or different K classes? i could actually see it potentially being better to do like a ‘nanny share’ type of arrangement and you alternate whose home you are at rather than having the parents be responsible and then if the nanny is sick/unavailable then the parents could step in?
Boston Legal Eagle says
I think I would also lean more toward hiring a third party to watch both kids than having to rely on each parent to be available on a certain day and time (presumably for free?) I think I would feel uneasy trying to both parent my kid and also watch another kid (and reverse with the other parent), vs. them having the same dynamic with a third party babysitter.
AIMS says
I haven’t done this but my parents did this with kindergarten and early school. It was great and I personally loved it. I got to have a friend and spend time with other grown ups, which I think is generally beneficial.
Anon says
I’ve found that this isn’t the best place to ask questions about childcare if you’re an academic, because a lot of people here don’t understand the flexible nature of academia. It sounds like a good plan to me. Our plan for aftercare even before the pandemic was to share it between ourselves and my mom because the aftercare in our local schools is very poor quality. I would love an arrangement like this if it were an option.
Anoon says
What are you talking about? Nearly every single comment before yours said they thought it was a good idea. I’m not sure why you think that only an academic could understand this question.
Anon says
My comment wasn’t aimed at any prior poster. I responded to OP soon after she first posted and was just pointing out that she shouldn’t get discouraged IF she got a lot of replies telling her this was a terrible idea – which, yay, she didn’t! (Although I disagree that every comment before me said it was a good idea – a couple people voted in favor of a nanny instead.) Obviously you don’t need to be an academic to understand the question, but many people here work jobs that seem to have very different expectations around availability and face time and when I’ve asked questions about childcare issues before I’ve gotten a lot of responses that aren’t really applicable to someone who doesn’t have a more traditionally “demanding” office job. Academics work hard, but we don’t answer to bosses or clients and other than very limited hours in the classroom we have almost complete flexibility about when and where we work. There are exceptions of course – every individual situation is slightly different – but generally a kid being sick and not being able to go to childcare or needing to be picked up at 4:30 pm instead of 5:30 pm is not the crisis for us that it might be for many white collar professionals, who are at the mercy of other people more than we are. It wasn’t meant as a criticism of anyone! I’m sure there is much about Big Law and similar jobs that I don’t understand.
Anon says
We did this for three kids last summer, and it worked well. The two houses were within walking distance, and we didn’t swap on Fridays. Honestly it was a lot of work to be “on” for the day I watched the kids (I usually cleared my calendar and just monitored emails), and a little distracting on my spouse’s days, but it was worth it to know I’d have 2 other days where I could actually focus.
We agreed to a list of “todos” each day that the kids would cycle through before screentime. Like 20 min outside, build something with Legos or blocks, do two pages in their Summer BrainQuest books, a scooter ride to the park and back, quiet “reading” time in separate spaces, etc. It wasn’t a schedule so we could adjust as needed, but it helped set expectations that the kids weren’t just sitting in front of YouTube all day. We usually had an hour or two at the end of the day, which we used to let them watch classic kid movies like Sandlot and Oliver and Company.
The only other consideration was food. Our share included a picky eater, so we decided to each just pack a lunch and snack each day, and not stress if they didn’t eat all their food.
AwayEmily says
Thank you for bringing up some issues (both pro and con) that I hadn’t considered. We have a couple of months to think (and maybe by some miracle aftercare will reopen) — will let you know how it goes if we decide to give it a try.
Nan says
I love this idea and would totally do it, so long as I could focus on watching the kids on my “day” and wasn’t trying to do that AND work. But if you have the flexibility for that, I think it’s a great solution. If it doesn’t work, you can always pivot to something else.
Anonymous says
Has anyone had weird reactions to retin A products? It’s not consistent but I sometimes notice weird eye puffiness when I use it (and not near my eyes, necessarily). I also will get a little white line near my eyes sometimes- kind of like a raised scar almost but very subtle, in a half moon shape, that will then go away if I stop. I mean I guess the answer is stop using but just curious if anyone else has this. I’ve heard people say they are dry/irritated after using but this is not that.
Anonymous says
I have not had this reaction, but I do know that Retin-A can migrate out of the area where it’s applied.
anonymommy says
I’ve just started using retinols at night, based on an old thread here! I can’t tell the difference yet, but thanks to WFH I’m not wearing much makeup and my skin overall feels better.
Play Time? says
Help me with what to do with my kids after dinner and before bedtime. We have about 1.5 hours to do “whatever” and I need to be honest – I’m usually spent after working / commuting / etc: I do a lot of checking out, being on my phone, etc. My kids love playing outside, playing with legos, and are not really into arts or crafts. I want to be more present, but I also don’t want to lose my mind. Anyone have a good routine or group of options? We live close to a couple of playgrounds and have a back yard.
Anonymous says
Family reading time! Read out loud or everyone reads their own book silently.
Anon says
We have a loose schedule of options that we rotate through, depending on the weather.
Outside day – park
Outside day – bikes/ yard
Outside day – sports with parent
Outside day – free choice
Inside day – board games
Inside day – reading together
Inside day – obstacle course/ floor is lava
Inside day – family Lego build
Learning day – science experiment
Learning day – cooking/ baking together
Learning day – listening to podcasts
Connection day – video chats with grandparents and friends
Connection day – send Letters Against Isolation letters and pictures
We try to roughly rotate through the 4 day types, and pick the activity based on energy levels. Most of these require my involvement but very little prep so it’s easier to get myself to stay off my phone and be present. But not going to lie, the video chats are my favorite because I don’t even go on the video, so we do those at least once or twice a week.
octagon says
Scavenger hunts or “I Spy” walks are popular with my kiddo. We make a list ahead of time of 5-10 things to look for, sometimes we divide the list and compete and sometimes it’s just one big list. Then we will take a 30-ish minute walk around the neighborhood looking for red front doors, black birds, yellow flowers, an animal statue, a little free library, etc. It’s good for me to stop and pay attention to my surroundings, too.
Anon says
So we have less time between dinner and bedtime (around 45 minutes, depending on how much the kids dawdle at dinner) and our default is that that time is for the kids (preK/K) to amuse themselves while we clean up the kitchen and have some downtime. We probably go for a walk or scooter around the neighborhood once or twice a week depending on the season, but I honestly don’t feel bad about otherwise not entertaining my kids. I’d rather get the dishes washed, leftovers put away, etc. and then have a few minutes to sit before the clean-up/bedtime routine and I figure it’s good for them to not constantly have an adult playing with them.
But we’re in the virtual school world over here, so we spend all day with our kids, rather than them being out of the house ever.
AwayEmily says
Definitely a walk, as soon as the dished are done. Everyone gets some exercise, you get to know your neighbors by sight, and there’s time to chat/talk without having to actively entertain anyone.
When my kids are particularly reluctant, we up the ante with a “jelly bean walk” (I make them close their eyes and hide a jelly bean for each of them at some point along the route).
Anon says
We always go for a walk (usually predinner but we eat super late) in that hour before sunset window on nice days when kiddo is full of energy and I can’t take it anymore (usually 2-3 days per week). Sometimes she bikes and I walk, but the goal is for me to get a little exercise and hopefully sun (helps with my skin condition) and her to burn off energy so maybe we go to bed on time. She’s always looking for sticks and rocks to pick up along the way, but I will also challenge her (can you run to that mailbox and run back as fast as you can, can you hop along the white pavement line, etc.) to keep her engaged.
DLC says
How old are your kids?
After dinner, my nine year old and four year old are expected to help clean up, and the One year old runs rampant. That usually take 45 mins because they clean super slow. (Husband and I take turn doing dishes, the kids clear table, wipe it down, take out the recycling and compost and sweep, then they have to pick up the living room- this is mostly the nine year old, to be honest). We listen to audiobooks as we clean as an incentive. If we have time leftover before bedtime sometimes we’ll play Uno, have a dance party, go on a short evening walk, have and extra long bath, have a family sing along, have a special dessert … but yes, there are also many many days where after chores the kids just play independently and I stare at my phone or read, and I’m okay with that. Also half the evenings my husband takes over after dinner, so I can have my stare at my phone/ read/ recharge time without feeling that “have to watch the kids” guilt.
Oh- another fun thing is you can sign up to be notified when the International Space Station is visible in your area, and that’s always a neat way to get outside.
Anonymous says
How old are your kids? Mine are 3/5/7.
Sometimes they do an extended bathtime and lots of stories. We will also do walks around the neighborhood, or DH and I will sit outside on the patio with a glass of wine while the kids run around outside.
Anonymous says
Eh, now that it’s nice we usually throw them outside and one parent sits outside on their phone relaxing while the other one cleans up. Inside we let them run wild. If DH and I are energetic we very actively play with them (hide and seek, tickling, etc…). Sometimes the 4yo wants to play independently in her room with barbies while the 21 month old wreaks havoc. Sometimes we do walks, but the playground is a good option if it’s not far. Personally I don’t feel much guilt over being checked out closer to the end of the day. I offer a lot of play and stability and connection to my kids overall, and I’m also human.
Play Time? says
Thanks, everyone, for the support and reccs. I don’t get to see my kids during the week except for this evening block – I leave before they wake up and we have a nanny who covers through dinner time, so I’d prefer to connect with them. They’re 3.5 and 6.5.
Loving Anon’s categories and list at 11:57 and will try to implement something similar. The kids sometimes help with chores (6 yo sweeps on a daily basis, both kids clear the table) but I know there are more things they could do to help in the routine, which would also help me feel more relaxed by the end of the day and could provide some “helping the family” time.
I know my kids love me and we connect on the weekends, but I started a new job and I’m having a fair amount of mom guilt about weekdays. (Plus, sometimes I just miss them!)
Anonymous says
Depends how old your kids are, but now that it’s light after dinner we usually go for a walk between dinner and bedtime (my kids are 2.5 and 6, and we only have 30-60 min depending on how fast we eat dinner). Sometimes adults walk and kids bike, but usually we all walk. Similarly to you my kids are not into arts and crafts and either want to be outside or playing their own pretend games.
Anonymous says
How do you all have the energy to do anything after dinner? By the time dinner is over and the dishes are cleaned up, I’m just done and ready to collapse into bed. I can’t imagine trying to wrangle everyone on a walk after dinner.
Anonymous says
Well, I don’t do the dishes until 10 pm usually . We go outside with the kids at 6:30, then do kid bedtimes 7:30-8 or 8:30 depending on which kid, then I do my downtime/reading/exercising or additional work, then I do the dishes at 9:45 or 10. But we go to bed between 11-11:30.
Anonymous says
OMG this would kill me. I am naturally a night owl, but working + parenting is just too exhausting. The only thing I can do after 8:00 p.m. is read or watch TV in bed with no children around.
Anonymous says
Well, it’s definitely exhausting and this year in particular is just A LOT. But the upside of current WFH/partial in person school schedule is we don’t have to get up till after 7. And I like to get my relaxing or exercising in right after the kids go to bed because trying to get myself to do a CHORE right after that is impossible.
Io says
When we have extra time in the evenings a board or card game really helps (there’s the initial negotiation, but that’s it). Or taking a walk.
Pretend play makes me crazy.
Anon says
This is more of a travel question than a parenting one, but are there trips you’re glad you took or wish you’d taken before your kids started elementary school? It hit me that K is only two years away now, so as we start traveling again I’d like to prioritize places that for whatever reason (crowds, weather, etc.) are best seen during the school year.
Anonymous says
Disney right before K, only because you are so much less tied to the $$$ Feb or Spring break weeks. We went when my oldest was 3 (waste of time but it was mostly an adult trip to FL with a side of Disney), 5 about to enter K (magical) and 8 (crowded and hot and expensive, but my middle kiddo was in that magical 5 age).
Spirograph says
I don’t like hot weather, so any northern hemisphere places I’d like to travel, I’d rather explore during not-summer. Southeast Asia, Southern Europe (actually, most of Europe). I’m not above pulling the kids out of school, though. We will travel with my MIL to visit her birth country next year, and need more than a week to make the jet lag worth it. If summer doesn’t work for whatever reason, I feel like the kids will get just as much out of that trip as they would have out of the few extra days of school they’ll miss adjacent to a school break.
You have to balance that with the logistics of younger kids when considering what you’ll enjoy, of course. We’re getting all we want out of low-key weeks at the beach, visiting family, and sundry drive-able places, all of which are much lower stakes than shelling out to take a family of 5 to Disney or somewhere abroad and then losing hours to naps and not enjoying activities I was looking forward to because of kid meltdowns. (If you only have one child, this is probably less of an issue, or at least there are fewer wildcards.)
Anonymous says
Some schools have strict attendance rules that would make this impossible. We have a limited number of “unexcused absences” and need to reserve them for important things like family funerals, not vacations.
Anonymous says
+1. We have a limit on *excused* absences. And the schools report parents to the truant officer for “intervention” long before the limit is reached, at something like 5 days.
Anonymous says
+1 to Disney. We’re not Disney people but I know a lot of people who took kids the year before their oldest started kindergarten for this reason.
My kids are still in preschool but my husband is a professor so we’re already tied to an academic calendar, although it’s a little less restrictive than the public school calendar. Between holidays and breaks we can do at least a long weekend most months of the year except April. Cherry blossoms in Japan and tulips in Holland are two April-specific things that are top of mind for an eventual sabbatical or a trip without my husband. Before the pandemic, we normally did Europe or a major domestic trip like Hawaii or a national park in May or June, family in New England in August and a Caribbean resort over winter break in December. We haven’t done much spring break travel yet, but some parts of southern Europe and the desert national parks in the US have good weather in early March and Caribbean resorts/cruises are good then too. I love fall foliage and would love to do more travel in October, but thanks to fall break we can usually get away at least for a long weekend during peak foliage season. Not sure if public school will give you a break in October though.
Anonymous says
Italy was fantastic with a toddler and would highly recommend going. We went second half June (due to work commitments) – but would have been better to go late May / early June.
Anon says
Italy was supposed to be our 2020 summer vacation! :/ Hoping we can go in 2022.
Anonymous says
I know that redshirting is a thing, but do people just do it routinely? I had long thought that it was for kids (mainly boys) who are socially not ready for K. Now, I have a kid (who was 99%ile for height, so potentially creating some issues if we redshirted her) who is at 2 years younger than other kids in her grade. IDK what is the point of doing 5th grade work at a 7th grade level? I feel bad for my kid now — I feel that she is holding her own, but will probably not “show as well” as kids who are much older than she is. [OTOH, I feel bad for the older kids who are able to outshine a 10YO kid but maybe deep down feel like imposters, which is way too early for that.]
Anonymous says
It is definitely much more of a thing than when I was kid.
AwayEmily says
As long as your kid is learning academic and emotional skills and enjoying her time at school, I would not spend any time worrying about how she compares to other kids in the class. Success is not zero-sum.
Anonymous says
This has been discussed here a few times, and my takeaway has been that it’s very local, or at least regional. It doesn’t seem to be a big thing in my area; however, my elementary kids seem to be in friend groups clustered with kids who have similar birthdays, so I’m not sure I have a good understanding of how much redshirting has happened aside from their little cliques.
Anon Lawyer says
Seems pretty standard for boys and only boys where I am. 2
Anonymous says
I’m in MA and in our town it is very much a thing. One of my kids is an October birthday in a district with a 9/1 cutoff. She’s in the older third of the class but by no means the oldest- there are several boys that have summer birthdays.
My youngest is late July and we sent her on schedule. She has kids in her class that are a full 16 months older than her (May birthdays the previous year).
Anon says
I think it depends on when your school cutoffs are. Ours is August 1 so even w/o redshirting most are already 5, many close to 6, by the start of K. Redshirting doesn’t seem to be that common except for kids who are young (summer birthdays) and yea, mostly boys. It was the same when I was growing up. I think it might be more common in districts that have late fall or winter cutoffs? I know some people here went to K or sent kids to K at 4, but they feels so young to me. It would depend on the kid of course, but I’d be much more inclined to redshirt a kid who was supposed to start K at 4.5 instead of 5.5.
Clementine says
So… where I live, the cutoffs are very late. Like December 1 late. For me, that’s a big part of the decision. I personally think it’s best if kids are 5 when they start K or within a couple weeks.
So my November kid – who we redshirted because he was within 2 weeks of the cutoff and missed half of his Pre-K year last year due to COVID – will be 5 at the start of kindergarten, turning 6 during kindergarten. FWIW, the social emotional side this year is a RADICAL improvement from last year. For us, it was the right choice.
A big part of the choice is that my husband and I are both fall birthdays. I went to K when I was 4 turning 5 and sometimes struggled socially. My husband was 5 turning 6 and 100% thinks it was the right choice.
Anon says
Yeah that makes sense. I know kids change quickly at this age, but I have a 3.5 year old and cannot imagine her starting K within a year. I’m sure there are some 4 year olds who are ready, but I certainly understand why people are reluctant to send 4 year olds to K.
Anonymous says
Redshirting is pretty standard for boys and girls where we live. It leads to ridiculousness like kindergarteners who are nearly 7, kids turning 15 before they start high school, and kids turning 19 before they start college. I can’t imagine how humiliating it would be for a 12-year-old to be stuck in fifth grade learning long division. But our kid is advanced a grade and the oldest kids are still only 18 months older than she is. I don’t know how you get a full two-year age gap unless your kid skipped a grade and was on the very young end of the original grade.
Anonymous says
I have a kid who has a late June birthday and an older sibling with a late October birthday, 20 months apart. Cutoff is when school starts in late August (you have to be 5 then). I remember when younger kid was in K (having turned 5 two months before) and there was a kid in there who was 7. My older kid hadn’t even turned 7 yet. That kid’s mom was all “my kid is super advanced” and I just wanted to roll my eyes and say, “no, your kid is just 7.” It was so annoying — it’s like are you gaming the system (kid didn’t seem to have issues as he was “super advanced” but I’m guessing the mom did)? If you can’t beat them, should you join them? And then do you redshirt your kid one year or two? I get that it could be different if you live somewhere in the US with different cutoffs and move.
Anonymous says
A 7-year-old starting K? That is terribly cruel of the parent. The poor child will be 20 when he starts his freshman year of college.
Anon Lawyer says
I’m sure all his dormmates will appreciate when he can buy them booze without a fake ID.
Hmmm says
Gaming what system though? Surely by the time the kid is 17 vs 19 intellectual ability is not going to be that different based on age. And he will have missed out on learning and adapting to school from 5-7. So I don’t see how it really gets anyone anywhere.
I’m not 100% decided but I might hold my youngest back because he will turn 5 less than a week before the cutoff. If I do, he will be 6 his entire kindergarten year, which I feel okay about – but I definitely would not want him to be 7.
Anon says
Does it even count as “redshirting” if your state has a range? Mine allows a kid to start school at 5 but requires it at 6.
Anonymous says
Redshirting is holding your child back when they are eligible for a grade. So if your state allows kids to attend K at 5 and requires all kids to attend school at 6, you are not redshirting if you keep your 5-year-old home and then enroll him in first grade at 6. If you enroll him in K at age 6, you are redshirting even though you weren’t required to send him to school at 5.
Anon Lawyer says
Can you even redshirt 2 years? Do you have to register your kid as “home schooled” or something? I would think compulsory education would kick in at some point.
Anonymous says
Our state allows kids to attend K if they turn 5 before September 30 and requires school enrollment or home-school registration for kids who turn 6 before September 30. A child who turned 6 on October 1 would be exempt from compulsory attendance that year, so technically he could start K the following year at 6y11mo and turn 7 three weeks into the school year. Which is insane.
Anonymous says
The compulsory education requirement doesn’t kick in until 7 in my state. I’m not sure they would let you enroll a 7 year old in K though, they might tell you that you have to start in first grade (my state, like many, does not require completion of kindergarten to enroll in first).
avocado says
Yikes. That 7-year-old kindergartener will be a 19-year-old adult man for his entire senior year of high school. My daughter is a ninth-grader who started the year at 13.5 and has seniors in a few of her classes. I would not want that adult man to be her classmate. Shudder.
Anon says
I think this kind of a weird take because 18 year olds are adults too, and even without red shirting many kids turn 18 relatively early into senior year. I don’t see a huge distinction between 18 and 19 – the distinction between “high school senior living at home” and “college freshman living in a dorm” is muh more profound, regardless of age. Also better hope she doesn’t ever take college classes in high school (as many academically advanced kids do) because then she’ll be with 21-22 year olds. And even older! There were some 40 year old men in the college classes I took as a high schooler.
Anonymous says
This depends where you live. I’m in NYC and it is next to impossible to do it in the public schools here. Private may be different. I was red-shirted in the early 1980s in MoCo (Nov birthday).
Anonymous says
Ps – our cutoff is 12/31! But everyone – everyone – falls within that 12 month period. So if your child is turning 5 any time in 2021, you start K this fall.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Also in MA, with a 9/1 cutoff, which I think is appropriate. This way, all kids are 5 when they start. I’ll report back when my kid starts K in the fall, but from what I’ve heard so far from daycare parents, there doesn’t seem to much talk of redshirting, including August birthday boys. I’m sure it’s different in the classroom, but when I see these kids play outside together, they all seem pretty much on the same level – from early fall birthdays to summer birthdays.
Anonymous says
Oh, gosh, September 1 is so early. I have a November birthday and started K before age 5, and I was still so bored that I begged my parents to let me skip a grade. Having to wait another year to start K would have been absolute torture. It’s even worse now that they’ve watered down the academics in elementary and middle school. Our district teaches the same math in fifth grade that I learned in second grade in a Title 1 school back in the 1980s.
Anonymous says
It all depends on your perspective. I’m in the Midwest where August/September cutoffs are the norm and November seems soooo late to me. I was ahead academically too and probably would have benefited from a later cutoff in terms of being less bored, but there was no way I would have been socially and emotionally ready to start K at 4. As it was, there were struggles with me being the youngest in my class and up to 15 months younger than the oldest red-shirted kids (June birthday with an August 1 cutoff and many kids born May and later were redshirted).
Anon Lawyer says
There’s usually a test-in procedure for kids with fall birthdays. But come on, not every school in the U.S. has dumbed down the curriculum and plenty of kids aren’t ready for K at 4.
Anon says
+1. And it’s not just about academic readiness. Many (most?) kids are simply not ready emotionally for kindergarten at 4, and even at 5 emotional readiness can be a concern. I have a July birthday and my preschool teachers told my parents to redshirt me and start me at kindergarten at just turned 6 instead of just turned 5. It had nothing to do with academic readiness (at the risk of being accused of bragging, I had identified as gifted by that age). My parents ended up ignoring the advice which was probably a good thing overall. Because of academics I likely would have had to skip a grade later on if I’d been redshirted and I know that comes with its own set of issues. But I think being one of the oldest instead of one of the youngest might have been better for me socially. There’s no way to tell for sure and I turned out mostly fine in the end, but I don’t think it was a crazy suggestion for the teachers to make, even for a kid who was clearly prepared academically.
Anon says
It was really not a thing when I was growing up. Now, I have heard of it much more – when kids make the transition from public school to private school, they will often repeat a grade (ex., do freshman year at public school, then freshman year again at private school to get used to the increased workload and expectations). Alternately, many parents do it to help their kids in athletics: repeating 5th or 8th grade is a big thing where I am.
IMHO, it’s a bit weird. At least when I was growing up, the really good athletes competed up in age, not down.
Anonymous says
Does anyone have a link to a fairly comprehensive list of household tasks (including homekeeping and child-related) for couples to use to divide responsibilities? Thanks!
Rabumba says
This isn’t quite a list, but is the most comprehensive collection of tasks I think I’ve ever seen..
https://www.fairplaylife.com/the-cards/cpe#