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The maternity brand Hatch has partnered with J.Crew for a select number of pieces, and this is the maternity version of the popular Résumé Dress. At this point, the color available for purchase is the vintage burgundy, but black is available for pre-order. From how it looks online, along with the description, the cut of this dress is pretty much the same as the non-maternity but without the waist seam. Additionally, it is described as having “four season stretch.” If you love the Résumé Dress, this is something to snag ASAP. The dress is $228 and available in sizes XS/S to L/XL. Hatch x J.Crew Résumé Dress Building a maternity wardrobe for work? Check out our page with more suggestions along both classic and trendy/seasonal lines. This post contains affiliate links and CorporetteMoms may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!Sales of note for 4.18.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 50% off full-price dresses, jackets & shoes; $30 off pants & skirts; extra 50% off sale styles
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything; extra 20% off purchase
- Eloquii – 50% off select styles; 60% off swim; up to 40% off everything else
- J.Crew – Mid-Season Sale: Extra 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off spring-to-summer styles
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Spring Mid-Season Sale: Up to 50% off 100s of styles
- Nordstrom: Free 2-day shipping for a limited time (eligible items)
- Talbots – Spring Sale: 40% off + extra 15% off all markdowns; 30% off new T by Talbots
- Zappos – 29,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Up to 70% off baby items; 50% off toddler & kid deals & 40% off everything else
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off spring faves; 25% off new arrivals; up to 30% off spring
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Up to 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off kids’ spring-to-summer styles
- Old Navy – 30% off your purchase; up to 75% off clearance
- Target – Car Seat Trade-In Event (ends 4/27); BOGO 25% off select skincare products; up to 40% off indoor furniture; up to 20% off laptops & printers
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Anonymous says
I think this has been asked a lot before – but how do you deal with the guilt over the adjustment for a first child when you have your second? DD is 2.5 and DS is 3 weeks. DD and I have such a special relationship and I just feel awful I’m spending 90% of my time nursing/caring for baby right now. She’s gotten plenty of attention from dad and grandparents, but we can tell she’s having trouble with me not being available. I know objectively everyone will end up fine and life will probably be easier even in just another month or two, but I feel awful about upending her life. I also feel guilty that we’ve had to use more screen time to keep her occupied, which she doesn’t mind, but obviously I know isn’t the best.
Anonymous says
Girl she is fine. Your child needs to learn to adjust to survive life in the world. She is loved and cherished and well cared for and will cope just fine.
Anon says
I don’t have two kids yet, so take this with a grain of salt, but I heard a tip recently that I thought was kind of genius. Basically, the idea is occasionally you tell the baby “I’ll be with you in a minute, [Big Sister] needs me to do XYZ first.” Obviously the baby doesn’t understand, but the older sibling does and it means something to them. They feel like they’re not the only one being told to wait while the parent attends to the other sibling.
And don’t feel guilty about the screen time, my only child gets plenty, and as you noted, this is a very short phase of life.
Anon says
+1. We did this, telling the Baby to wait for Older Sister, and it worked really well. We also started kid date nights – each of us took a kid alone. Like Dad would take daughter to the playground and McDonalds while Mom took baby to a cafe and read. Then we’d switch the next month – Dad would take baby on a walk while Mom and daughter went to a “fancy” restaurant. (Like tapas or Olive Garden or our favorite Mexican place, all still very family friendly, but she got to dress up and order whatever she wanted.) Having a monthly special night seemed to do wonders for her behavior, and we’ve continued it through elementary with both kids.
Anon says
I don’t have an answer but want to let you know you’re not alone. I also have a daughter who is 2.5 and DS is 3 weeks and I’ve been feeling the same way. I signed DD up for a Saturday morning class that starts in a month that I will take her to. Knowing we have that dedicated time gives me something to look forward to and I think it will just take time.
Anonymous says
Thanks! I knew there was someone else who had a similar due date to me. I’m definitely going to do Saturday swim classes with her in a few months, it’s just getting to that point.
Delta Dawn says
It seems really awful now, but like you said, it will be much better in another month. And better progressively after that. You probably remember from your first baby that you’re basically in the most intense/needy/hands-on time right now. Very soon, baby will only eat every four hours instead of every 2-3. Very soon, baby will sleep longer at night and you can have special bedtime routine with daughter. Very soon, this will all get a lot easier. You’re still in the adjustment period that’s just going to be rocky for a little while longer. You’re in what we called the “anything goes” phase, where screen time and random snacks and making messes that I would normally not have allowed were perfectly fine. You’ll get back to a new normal very soon. The above advice about telling baby to “wait just a moment, I need to be with big sister right now,” and the other advice you’ve received, is all very helpful in the meantime.
Anonymous says
My daughter was barely two when my son was born. I, too, felt guilty—but agree with posters above that having baby “wait” for big sis sometimes does wonders! As does letting big sis help with the baby. My daughter liked handing me a new diaper or picking out his clothes.
And don’t worry, soon guilt over your daughter will changed to guilt over your son, as little bro will get dragged to all of big sis’ activities and have few of his own :) (I say this gently and jokingly—but it was definitely true for us. Poor kid got dragged to ballet class and gymnastics for such a long time before her got any activities of his own!)
Coach Laura says
Our kids are similar ages and DD picked liked to pick out his clothes. When he was 1, she got to say that he wanted to be a duck for Halloween outfit with glee. She still remembers that. He did look really cute as a duck.
Been there says
Gently, I think once the hormones recede you will feel so much better. Start reframing now – both for her and for you. You have a special relationship with DD but you’re going to have an equally special relationship with baby, and that starts now! But really, I wouldn’t feel guilt because you just gave DD this super awesome gift. She doesn’t know it yet, but she will.
My ODD is a total mama’s girl and I actually thought having younger sibling was helpful to pull back a bit on that and reduce her attachment to me. It’s really really healthy for you to not be constantly available. And now she’s getting to build a more special relationship with her dad too. That’s worth a lot.
When my DS was born I was mostly jealous because parenting a toddler was more fun than constantly nursing a newborn. They got to go out and do fun stuff and I was attached to a baby. I think it’s also important to make sure you are getting to go out on fun outings with her still once the dust settles.
Boston Legal Eagle says
You’re in survival mode right now. You’re in the thick of it with caring for a newborn and also adjusting to this new family life of 4. Do your best to keep everyone alive and get as much help as you can. It’s great that she’s got grandparents nearby, that helps a lot. Yes, your daughter might feel sad or confused or angry, but that’s all normal and you shouldn’t feel guilty about it (though also totally normal to feel that!) It’s true that she won’t have your full attention anymore, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Plus as the baby grows up, she’ll get to develop this totally separate relationship with him and that is worth a lot.
shortperson says
you are upending her life for a sibling that she’ll have a lifelong relationship with. of course she doesnt appreciate that perspective now, but for me thinking of the lifelong benefit for her made me feel fine about all of the short term pain she was experiencing.
Anonymous says
This may not work depending on your child care situation but– for my last six weeks of my 12-week maternity leave, I had the nanny watch the baby for a few hours once a week and spent that time taking my toddler to a music class. It was wonderful.
Anon says
My boys are 25 months apart and, while the first year is TOUGH for all of you, by the time he was 3.5 my older son literally could not remember life without his brother. Like, we would mention things that happened before DS2 was born and DS1 would be confused because in his memory, his brother had always been there. So take heart that you are not scarring her! Siblings are (generally speaking) a huge gift and blessing, even if it may not feel like it at first.
Anonymous says
OP here – thanks! My DD has a freaky good memory (like talks about stuff from 8 months ago) but you’re right she logically won’t remember life without him in the long term.
Anon says
Ha my son does, too, but he’s superimposed his brother into the memories! Or asks where his brother was while he was doing X because he can’t conceive of him not being around. It was the funniest/oddest thing when I realized it. And I don’t mean to downplay your feelings or worries at all…I felt similar, but truth be told, getting through that “rocky patch” has only strengthened and deepened my relationship with my now-four year old DS1.
ABC and number app? says
Favorite alphabet and/or number apps for the iPad? We’re at the stage where recognizing and writing letters and numbers are the goals. Thanks!
CPA Lady says
This is not an iPad app, but we have the “Write and Wipe ABC 123” book off of amzn and my kid loves it. It comes with a dry erase marker so she can work on her fine motor skills in a way that is not possible with the ipad (unless you have a stylus for your kid to hold). It has different pictures of stuff that starts with that letter or has that letter somewhere in the word, plus a few lines for them to practice writing the letter. It also has the numbers. It’s a sturdy board book and has held up to a lot.
EP-er says
My kids really like the Ozmo system for numbers & letters. It might not be what you are looking for (something to use on the go) but I loved it for a deliberate, home use of the iPad.
octagon says
Endless Alphabet for the ipad is great.
BabyGift says
Hi Hive,
I have a bunch of friends who have had their 2nd or 3rd children in the past year and I would like to get the new baby/1 year olds at this point something. They have all of the typical baby stuff since they have older siblings of the same sex, etc. so was thinking of a personalized book for the little tykes. Any ideas of which ones are good?
Thanks in advance!!
Ashley says
We have two from Wonderbly (Lost My Name and My Little Monster Name) and like both of them! They have lots of options you could choose from to personalize based on the kid.
Quail says
Cannot justify this purchase at 34 weeks with my last baby…but I want it. That is all.
Anon says
It’s gorgeous. I’m done having kids but would be so tempted to purchase if I wasn’t.
Anonymous says
I have the feeling looking at it that it would squarely be a first and second trimester dress only. At least for people who carry babies like I do!
Ashley says
Any personal recs for a humidifier for a kid’s room when sick? We had a cheap one from Target that I tossed because I couldn’t keep it clean. I like the idea of one that I can set the goal humidity level (e.g., babymoov, but this one doesn’t have great reviews). Ideally need one that allows me to change the direction it blows in–the only place to put it is on top of a bookshelf and I don’t want it pointed at the ceiling which is 1 ft away.
Anonymous says
Check the Wirecutter reviews. Their top pick is supposedly very easy to clean.
anon says
Yes! We have the wirecutter recommended one: Honeywell HCM-350 Germ-Free Cool Mist Humidifier. You can wash it in the dishwasher and get new filters on amazon. Very happy with it.
Anon says
We have the same honeywell one and love it, but you can’t change the direction, and I don’t think you can set the humidity level either (but I’ve never had an issue with it getting overly muggy). I actually set it on the floor in toddler’s room with a towel under it to catch leaks (it has never leaked). Agree that pretty much everything other than the gasket can be dishwashed and new filters are very easy to acquire – I’m on the low maintenance spectrum so we usually only change them whenever I notice output significantly drops – 2-3x a winter with our moderately hard water.
AwayEmily says
Following: we’ve had a couple of different ones and they ALWAYS got moldy so fast, despite our best efforts to clean.
Our pediatrician said that a couple of drops of saline in the nose before bed is usually just as effective as a humidifier. Maybe worth trying?
Anonymous says
This won’t help the OP since it only points up, but we just have one of the cheap Crane Adorables ones and have had good luck keeping it from getting moldy as long as we diligently empty/rinse/refill the basin every day.
Anon says
How do you make friends with the parents of kids in your child’s daycare classroom? I rarely see other parents at drop off, since people drop off over a wide range of time, and DH does pickup. Today I randomly ran into another parent and turns out she’s an acquaintance. I would like to get to know her better, but not sure how to go about doing that. Suggesting a playdate seems weird, since her child is a young infant and over a year younger than mine (it’s a mixed age classroom). Is it weird to add her on facebook?
Anonymous says
I’m assuming you don’t have her phone number, so yes I would add her on FB. Then message her asking if she wants to come over or meet for coffee sometime. If she has a young infant, I’m guessing she would love the adult interaction!
Also, I have to remind myself of this often, but most people are looking to make friends. If you reach out, she will likely be thrilled. Making friends as an adult is HARD, and I’m always happy when someone takes the initiative to form a friendship—I’m am personally terrible at this because I feel awkward, but (as in dating) someone has to make the first move!
FVNC says
“If you reach out, she will likely be thrilled. ” –> Yes. I made one of my best friends in my old city because she emailed me out of the blue to introduce herself. We had met briefly at a kids’ birthday party (that’s how she had my email) and were both new to town. I know it was uncomfortable for her, but I’m so glad she did it!
Anonymous says
IMHO, this is exactly what Facebook is for.
CPA Lady says
Birthday parties. All the mom-friendships started taking off when the birthday parties started in the 2-3 year old age range. Mostly 3, IIRC. All the kids invited all the other kids to their parties pretty much across the board. Then we started getting each other’s numbers and arranging fairly impromptu playground meetups. Once the kids got a little older, and started doing activities, some of us signed our kids up for the same things. At the point, there was one really social mom with a big house who regularly invited everyone over. Joining the parents council of the school also helped get to know other parents. I also friend people on facebook.
None of this happened for the first couple of years, and I was kind of sad about it, but it really took off once the kids got a bit older.
Anon says
Thanks, that’s good to hear! Yeah I’m a little bummed that we haven’t been invited to any birthday parties yet but I guess the kids in her room have mostly been turning 1 and it totally makes sense not to have a big party for that (we didn’t either). Hopefully when she gets a bit older we will connect more with other kids. We don’t get a class directory or anything, I might ask the teacher about that since my daughter has one little buddy in her class already that she asks about when she’s not in school and I think it might be fun to have this girl on a playdate but I have no idea who her parents are or how to contact them. I did mention to the teacher a while back that I was interested in the parents’ council but they said it was full for now. I guess each room has only one representative and our room already has one. (Also somewhat off topic but apparently the parents council at our school is almost half dads, which is so awesome!)
rosie says
In terms of the different ages, I feel like at these ages generally, you could invite her & her child over and it would be totally fine. You presumably have a child-proofed area and some toys suitable for younger kids still around. I don’t know exactly how old your kid is, but it’s likely that the most the playdate would be even with similar age kids would be parallel play. I say go for it.
Anonymous says
We often have playdates with a family that has two kids (we have one) – a kiddo only 6 weeks older than DS and his baby sister. My nearly 4 year old is obsessed with the baby sister and usually gives her more attention.
EB0220 says
I think Facebook is great and a playdate is fine too. As much for the adults as for the kids at this age!
Blueberries says
I’ve had good luck inviting parents from daycare for coffee, over for weekend post-nap playing and early dinner, and inviting the whole class to meet up in the park (if after daycare, I order pizza for everyone). I would be very happy to have a coffee with a fellow parent, but adding me on FB wouldn’t work for me—I log on very rarely and probably wouldn’t see the invitation for 8 months.
We have a class email list. Can you reach out over email? Or if you see her again, mention possible coffee and get her number or email address?
Winter Jacket says
Best winter coats or jackets that can safely be worn in a car seat? I have heard the Patagonia Nano Puff is a good option and I’m wondering if there are others out there.
Anonymous says
Gap also has a thin puffy coat—thinsulate maybe? Something like that? And it is car seat safe and cheaper than Patagonia! I bought a size up and my daughter has worn hers for two years. It’s held up quite well!
Anonymous says
Same for Cat and Jack.
JTM says
+1 for the Cat & Jack. We also did the C9 fleece (looks like a North Face but much cheaper) and each year they’ve held up all winter.
Annie says
+1. Love the gap ones and at 40% off are very reasonably priced.
FVNC says
My five year old daughter’s new elementary school has only auto-flush toilets. They scare her, and she had an accident last week because she refused to use them. Her teacher is super sweet and understanding, but we need to figure out a solution. We’ve talked about covering up the sensors with a post-it or sheets of toilet paper, and that might work. Any other ideas?
Anonymous says
No. We also do Post-its.
Anon says
+2 for Post-Its. Very easy for the kiddo to use herself.
Struggle bus says
Really riding the struggle bus the last few weeks adjusting back to Biglaw after having my first baby. I love my job, or at least, I love the substance of my job. But ever since I’ve been back, it’s been the worst combination of extremely busy on two different cases, combined with (on one of those cases) working for a truly terrible manager who can’t give clear direction and waits until the 11th hour to review anything. This weekend was awful– the work keeps coming but of course, I don’t have childcare on the weekends and actually want to… you know, see my baby. My husband was able to take primary baby duty which was great, but he didn’t get any rest time over the weekend as a result and all our weekend chores around the house went unfinished.
I am at a bit of a loss for how to draw boundaries without coming across as checked out now that I have a kid. Up until now I’ve been a high performer and I hate to think I’m slipping. I’m a senior-ish associate and I know that if I don’t do the work, it’s basically not getting done or it will just be waiting for me in a few hours/days and then be even more of an emergency since I didn’t get to it earlier. My return also coincided with the two very reliable juniors on my team taking vacation so I am just feeling really unsupported and stressed out. Things will get better when those two folks are back in the office, but terrible manager will still be terrible and my cases will still be busy.
Help?
Nan says
Honestly? I think this is just big law. There are some things you can try, like hiring weekend babysitters, but that won’t address the fact that you’re not spending the time with the baby. At the end of the day, there are only so many hours and most big law firms just want too many of them.
I think the only thing to do is draw your boundaries to the extent it’s possible and let the chips fall where they may. If people view that as checked out, it’s due their own issues and the structural problems with most big law firms that make this balance so hard.
I hope this doesn’t come across as unkind, I really hope you’re able to make this work the way you want to.
SC says
The only people I know who make it work (2 working parents, at least 1 with a very demanding job) double up on childcare so late nights and evenings are covered.
For example, I know one family where both parents are litigators (admittedly, not big law). Their 2 kids go to daycare/school during the day. Twice a week, both parents work late, and a sitter picks the kids up from school and puts them to bed while the parents work. Both parents come home for family meals the other week nights, then log in later if they have to. On weekends, a sitter comes on Saturday morning, both parents work Saturday morning, and one parent relieves the sitter while the other works the rest of Saturday. They also have local grandparents who help in a pinch and another set of grandparents a 3-hour drive away who help with big things (like everyone in the family gets sick, or school gets canceled for a whooping cough outbreak, etc).
shortperson says
ive been in biglaw with kids for five years and we have weekend babysitters. when i’m busy it’s 2-7 every weekend day. once we had two kids we went to 2-7 every sunday for work or just catchign up on life. i went through six months when my kid was 1 when we had a babysitter every weekend saturday and sunday. but that was a season. it’s not usually like that. meanwhile i like my job and have been promoted and appreciate many of the benefits of biglaw for worknig parents — backup childcare, an extremely flexible schedule 90% of the time, money to throw at problems. i dont think drawing the boundary of never working weekends would be successful — not at my firm. but if you only intend to stay a year or two before leaving you can probably get away with it.
shortperson says
if you want to stay in biglaw i recommend rethinking your “weekend chores around the house.” we outsource laundry and dishes and have a handyman do a lot of things. we will also order takout at the drop of a hat. that way when we do have time we are doing enjoyable things with the kids. and i enjoy cooking but if i didnt we would outsource that more than we do already.
Anonymous says
Yup it’s awful. This is why people leave. Stop doing it and start looking for a sane job
shortperson says
that is one perspective but i have had a different experience. for me there have been busy periods, including right after i came back from my second maternity leave. but those periods end and i typically see a lot of my kids. combined with the other benefits of biglaw (i forgot to mention remote work above which is huge for me, and you may also be planning on additional maternity leaves) this is the best job for me to have for my kids. plus i like the work.
but different firms are different and different situations are different. if my spouse made more than i did i woudl probably not still be here but he doesnt. yet i’m still very much involved with my kids. anyways, you may want to quit. or you may want to see if it’s workable. but dont assume that it’s impossible to be in biglaw and be an involved parent.
Struggle bus says
Thank you. Yes, I know leaving is always an option but I actually don’t want to leave! I like my job, I like the income, and my husband does not make more than me so here we are. I’ve been working from home a couple days per week and that is helping somewhat.
anon says
this is not a really helpful response. i am not in big law, but i think shortperson provided a good perspective. there are many different ways to be a wonderful parent and people are ok with seeing their kids for different amounts of time. you need to figure out what you want and what will work for you and your family. it sounds like if you do want to stay in big law it would be helpful to take some of shortperson’s suggestions – outsource chores and secure weekend babysitters so you have time you can dedicate to your kid and time you can dedicate to your work. if you decide you don’t want to stay in big law that is ok too.
Anon says
I am still in big law as a 7th year and it does get easier, but the terrible manager situation is likely not going to be better, which if you don’t think you’re going to be able to take on different projects or avoid that person, you might think about job hunting, as having people that I work with who also have kids and get it is invaluable.
If you’re thinking about staying, things that help me make it work: first and foremost, DH is a SAHD. Having reliable childcare is critical. We do not have extra weekend childcare, but I typically do my work before kiddo gets up, during nap, and after she goes to bed. If I need more hours than that, DH is on toddler duty and I typically go in to the office or kick them out to go do something because if kiddo sees me she wants me, but that’s typically a once a month type situation.
Other things that help – I go in later (but stay later) because my now 2 year old is a late sleeper. I WFH one day a week. I typically stay super late 2-3 nights a week during busy periods. During that first year back, I said no to every extraneous non-billable thing I could think of other than recruiting, which I enjoy. We have grocery delivery on the weekends so we don’t waste time doing that, weekly lawn service and a housekeeper comes midweek every other week. We do not hesitate to order takeout, although I enjoy cooking and typically cook 1-2x a week. We typically limit to one “activity” per weekend (e.g., toddler party, going out, having people over, going to the pool, whatever) and reserve the rest of the time for downtime (or in my case if I need it that week, worktime).
The benefit I see to biglaw is the salary and the flexibility – and, like you, I actually like the work. I have a lot of hours, but I also have a lot of flexibility for those hours too if I need to duck out midday for something. My colleagues go to school assemblies, coach sports teams, etc. and are also involved parents. So I agree with above that you can be in biglaw and be an involved parent, but it needs to be the right firm, office, team, etc. and the other parent needs to be able to pick up the slack.
IHeartBacon says
I second the recommendation to hire a regular weekend nanny who can come 5-6 hours on Saturday to give you a few extra hours a week for work. If you work from home (to avoid the commute) while the nanny is there, and you bill 4 of those hours, that will get you an extra 208 billable hours a year. It adds up. Then, with the other 1-2 hours you run a personal errand or take a nap before the nanny leaves to gear up for the rest of the weekend with your LO. If your weekend nanny comes early like at 8 a.m., she will be gone by 1 or 2 in the afternoon. This is plenty of day left to spend a lot of quality time with your LO. If you plan to stay at the same pace at Big Law, I think you’ll need to plan for Saturday mornings to continue to be part of your regular workweek, and have permanent childcare to support it.
I also second the recommendation to stay late in the office two nights a week, even if it means missing LO’s bedtime. If you stay late 2 nights per week, that still means you are there for bedtime 5 nights a weeks. But in those two nights you can add 2-3 hours of billable work per night. Annually, this amounts to between 208-312 billable hours.
Finally, it’s going to take a long while before you get your groove back at work. It took me a full year before I felt 100% back (and back on track). It would have been so easy (and very possible for me) to just throw in the towel, but I powered through for myself, my family, and fellow working moms everywhere.
Anonymous says
Does anyone have any advice based on personal experience for helping a school age child who is overweight or obese? Our 7 year old is now technically obese and I’m really struggling. I’ve never been small and have struggled with my weight at different periods, including a time when I was really obese and was a borderline binge eater (definitely disordered eating). I’m in a better place now and am pretty healthy — slightly overweight but very fit — but it’s still a hot button issue for me. Husband also tends to be big/heavy and is currently technically obese by BMI standards. He has a lot of problems with BMI as an indicator of health, which I understand and agree with to an extent, but our son is clearly a bit chubby. He doesn’t love sports, etc and is a super picky eater. We want to try to make some changes to his diet, but it isn’t like he’s drinking soda/juice all day and subsisting on junk food, so I’m somewhat at a loss – to me, his diet and activity level seem pretty similar to his smaller peers.
Anonymous says
PS – I recognize that my reaction to this situation may be the biggest problem.
So Anon says
Can you ask your pediatrician for a referral to a registered dietitian that he/she recommends? I have seen one for my son’s eating for years, and she is absolutely amazing. She helped me to pinpoint where we were going astray, and, even though I am well versed in nutrition, I had no idea that some of what I was doing was causing problems. She was nonjudgmental and realistic in her solutions. If you go down this route, I would recommend that the whole family go and talk with the dietitian. It helps to have everyone on the same page about a child’s nutrition. In addition, I found that having the nutrition advice come from a third party made it less about what I think or say. In those tense moments with my son, I could point back to the conversation: “Remember when we were talking with Kay, and she said that it is my job to put food on your plate and your job to decide what to eat off of the plate?” It cut down on a lot of arguing at home. I also found that she gave us a great vocabulary to talk about food and what we eat. Instead of our discussion being about weight, we talk about what foods make our bodies strong, the building blocks of nutrition, how our bodies feel after eating certain foods, etc. Also, be gentle on yourself! The fact that you are looking for answers and looking out for the well being of your son shows that you are an amazing mom!
Anonymous says
If you think his weight and activity levels are normal, have you asked the pediatrician about possible medical causes? Does he get regular physical activity of some sort, such as active outdoor play, walks, or bike rides?
Anon says
I agree with your husband that BMI is not a good predictor of health. My husband is technically obese BMI too, due to a combination of a wideset stature, being short for a man and having a lot of muscle, which weighs more than fat. He can run a 6 minute mile. I’ve always been at the low end of the “normal” BMI, which I chalk up to being tall and having my mom’s very dainty bone structure (I can make a complete circle around my wrist with my thumb and any of my fingers) and not to any healthy habits. I don’t really exercise, would struggle to run a 12 minute mile, and have plenty of fat around my hips and belly. I definitely don’t think I’m way healthier than my husband, even though BMI would suggest I’m super healthy and he’s super unhealthy.
I think all you can do is encourage activity and healthy eating. 7 is way too young to be on any kind of calorie restriction diet and hopefully your ped understands that there’s much more to health than BMI. If you ped is fixated on the BMI, I would consider finding a new one.
rakma says
If team sports aren’t his thing, is there another kind of activity he might want to try? Martial arts, yoga, or even something like skateboarding? I thought I hated all kinds of sports, it turns out I just don’t really like team activities.
I’m seeing in my kids a similar cycle to myself as a child–I’d sort of bulk up, and then shoot up a few inches in height. But there was so much focus on my food intake when I was on the heavier part of the cylce, and I’m still dealing with the fall out of that. (Particularly since my sisters with different body types weren’t subjected to the same food restrictions as I was)
Anonymous says
And/or just really active play dates. My girls have friends over and they are climbing trees, running around the yard playing tag and super hero vs my little pony Star Wars or whatever it is they do.
One of my kids fell into a sporty crowd and whileahed never have done so at my and DH’s encouragement, now plays tennis, soccer (town and private indoor) and lacrosse.
The other doesn’t like sports at all but spent this entire summer swimming.
Anonymous says
I’d also suggest family activities like bike rides, walks, and hiking. Would geo-caching spark his interest? Is Pokémon Go still a thing? But you probably already know that you can’t out-exercise a bad diet. So I think the suggestion above of a dietician is great. Make sure his snacks come from the fridge not the pantry (fresh fruit/veggies with a dip or yogurt/cheese).
2 Cents says
Swimming is another good independent sport.
anon says
This is not coming from personal experience but I recommend the book, It’s Not About the Broccoli. It has good tips for picky eaters and how to talk to kids about which foods help you grow, and which foods are treat foods. Weirdly, I’d recommend taking a look at some of the recent articles explaining why the Kurbo app is horrible. You really have to tread so lightly – it can really mess a kid up if you approach things the wrong way (I worked with many women who have eating disorders that started young). They might give you ideas about how to handle (and not handle) things. If it were me, I would just try to put healthy food on the menu and find an activity that he loved. There are so many options out there for activities and hopefully he will find something that works for him! Try to be the safe space he needs.
Also seconding the above, that sometimes before puberty hits, kids get “chubby” and then have a huge growth spurt. Just the way that bodies work sometimes!
Anon says
+1 on avoiding Kurbo and the like. Feeding Littles has good resources about healthy eating for kids in general and specifically why the Kurbo app is a terrible idea. It’s run by two people – one is a pediatric dietitian, one is an occupational therapist.
Ashley says
I follow both Kids Eat in Color and Feeding Littles on instagram. They both often post about how to talk to kids about weight on the high or low end and how to help kids develop a healthy relationship with food. I love love love both accounts and recommend checking them out. I think they would both suggest seeing a pediatric dietitian in your area for specific help.
Anon says
It doesn’t sound like you’re going to do this, but having been the overweight kid, I’d like to give a warning. Please don’t focus on his weight, or say he can’t wear certain things because of his weight, or talk about others’ weight, or tell him he should lose weight (if necessary, let the doc advise and certainly you should do what you can to follow the doc’s advice).
I wish my family growing up was more active (like, I could have done tons more hikes) and ate more fresh vegetables. I had to learn so much about food and cooking as an adult.
Anon says
This x 1000. It makes me so mindful of everything I say (and I watch like a hawk what my mother and MIL say) in front of my daughter (who while is 98% for weight, is also 98% for height). I’m pretty sure the paint blistered off the walls after I heard my MIL try to tell my toddler she couldn’t have any bread because bread just makes you fat and she wouldn’t want to get fat (as though it’s a mortal sin and being overweight makes you less of a person – which I’m pretty sure she honestly believes). We preach a lot of moderation in our house and I hope to keep it that way.
Anon says
Oh, and don’t get me started on her comment to my daughter’s 1 year old pictures that maybe I should have picked a different dress because the one she wore made her look chubby. At 1 freaking year old.
2 Cents says
I just rolled my eyes SO hard. Omg
Anon says
Also a mom to a 98% height/weight toddler who has gotten a lot of comments from family about how she looks chubby or something is unflattering because it emphasizes her belly. Strangers have actually called her fat a few times! We also emphasize everything in moderation, and we don’t say desserts are bad for you, just that they don’t have the nutrients that fruit, veges, meat, etc. do.
anon says
try having fraternal twin girls with completely different body types. one is larger (both height and weight) than the other and has less hair and people always think she is the boy despite being dressed in the same outfit as her sister
Anonymous says
I’m so sorry you had those family comments. I have a similarly sized 1 year old and specifically chose the birthday outfit to emphasize the chunky thighs, which are soooo delicious.
Anonymous says
OP here – thanks all! My husband had taken our son in for the physical, so I called today to ask some follow-up questions. We agreed to see if we can make progress with dietary changes and bring him in to be weighed when we go in for his flu shot (or separately) in 8-12 weeks. Depending on how that goes, we could go see a nutritionist – she has someone she recommends. I like this plan because it does not mean waiting a year until his next physical to see if what we are doing works, but also doesn’t immediately go to extreme measures. We’re also going to try soccer. We live in NYC in an apartment, and due to our schedules, have limited opportunities to expand family physical activity during the week. Husband and I are not completely in alignment on what a healthy diet looks like, which is one reason I find the nutritionist appealing, but I think it makes sense to see what we can do on our own first.
Anonymous says
So I’ve been going through similar stuff, and we’ve been walking every day. Either before school or after dinner. It’s been great for my health, and my kid, and is really great family time.
So Anon says
When we went to the dietitian, we did not do any drastic measures – at all. It was subtle tweaks and small changes that made a huge difference.
Anon says
I got a positive pregnancy test this morning (our second). Is it normal to be totally freaking out right now? This is a closer age gap than I would have liked, but we started TTC a little earlier because it took us 7+ months to conceive the first time around. My daughter will be almost 2.5 when this baby is born. I can do this, right? Right?
So Anon says
Congrats!!! Yes. Totally normal to freak out. I went down the same path. It took us ART to conceive our first, and then our second happened on the second cycle. You’ve got this!!! Mine are two years, seven months apart, and it is so awesome. Congrats again!!
Marilla says
You can do it!!! I freaked out too when I got pregnant with my second. It took 18 months to conceive my first, including a couple visits to an RE, so we started trying before I was really ready for a second. Boom – literally the first month. The first few months are crazy with a newborn and a toddler (keep your older in full day care if you can swing it for the first few months) but it all works out. My two adore each other and it gets much easier once you’re out of the tiny baby stage.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Congrats! Yep, you can do it. It will be hectic and chaotic, especially in the first few months, but you’ll get through it. Mine are 2.5 years apart and I’m looking forward to them playing together in the future.
ElisaR says
Congratulations! you can do it….. because people just do! Mine are only 20 months apart and i’m a mess so if I can do it you can too!
anon says
Congrats! I’ve never not freaked out after a positive pregnancy test, and we have three kids now. It’s going to be great! That’s a totally normal and doable age gap.
Anonymous says
This was exactly me last November…baby is here! We totally freaked out and had a hard time adjusting to the idea even though we wanted another child. Our first we couldn’t wait to tell people and this one we had to take time to work through our feelings. We just knew what we were getting into (for better/worse) and were nervous about me handling pregnancy with a toddler, and then two kids in general. It’s ok! You’ll get excited soon enough. Congrats!
Anon says
Congrats! Same age gap for my two kids and it’s now awesome. I wouldn’t have it any other way. That said, it was really freaking hard at the beginning. I wish I had lined up a ton of help before #2 was born, because I didn’t have the bandwidth after the birth. In particular, I wish I’d gotten a night nurse for #2 at least some nights so I could sleep.
Child spacing? says
Talk to me about child spacing in mid to late 30s. I’m 35 and kid is barely 1. We’d love 2 more, I’ve always wanted a big family. So I’m feeling a lot of time/age pressure, but also not feeling ready to be pregnant again and concerned about going on mat leave so soon after my first, etc. Ugh.
I wish I could have done all of this 5 years ago as it would’ve made some of these decisions easier, but it wasn’t in the cards for reasons outside my control.
anon says
so this is not my experience, but my cousin’s wife is currently 42 or 43 and pregnant with her 3rd. kid #2 is 3 and kid #1 is 6. i believe a miscarriage took place between kid #1 and #2 or they might have been closer together. also – talk to your doctor. not saying you should rush to do this, but have you done any of the testing to see what your egg count is? i personally don’t think i could handle 2 under 2, but i also know you don’t know how long it will take to get pregnant. can you see how you feel about starting to try in like 3 months? i understand you kind of feel like the clock is ticking but you definitely do not need to decide right this second
Child spacing? says
Thanks for the response. Where we live, it seems like all the other moms are in their 20s or maybe early 30s, so it’s helpful to hear stories like this.
I should have added that we will be doing FETs (we have several PGS tested embryos). So age isn’t as much of a fertility factor (hopefully anyway, although in the back of my mind i know anything can happen and there are no guarantees) as a parenting one. My husband is several years older than I am.
GCA says
ah! I was about to say your personal reproductive history matters too if fertility is a concern – say if you conceived naturally in a short time and carried a healthy pregnancy to term first try, the likelihood of fertility issues is probably lower.
On the parenting front, we had kids on the relatively early side for our peer group & location (late 20s/ early 30s) to have the age gap we wanted (3+ years). There are trade-offs both ways – we were less established financially and at work when kid 1 was born, and it’s a wee bit of a stretch to pay for daycare (but wider age gap means shorter daycare-with-2 period). If you’re more established at work and they know you’re a top performer, it may be less of an issue to go out on maternity leave. Plus with a smaller age gap, you may be more prepared for the baby stage again. There’s something to be said for getting the diapers and sleepless nights over and done with in one concentrated period. By the time kid 2 came along, kid 1 had been potty trained for over a year and we nearly took the baby out without spare diapers several times.
Child spacing? says
Yes, it took us almost 5 years to have #1. So even with FETs, I know it’s always possible that we won’t be able to have another one at all.
DLC says
I had my first at 34, and my second five years later. By the time we got pregnant the second time, the whole pregnancy/ newborn/ baby phase was a haze in my memory and my first was very self sufficient, which was incredibly helpful when we were plunged back into the newborn phase. We are now expecting at third (surprise 40th birthday present, I guess). I never thought I would be still changing diapers in my 40s and I definitely don’t have the same energy I had- everything just seems to take so much more effort now and pregnancy is just not kind to one’s body, especially the third time around. The five year gap between our first two was not what we had planned, but there were a lot of ways in which it made things easier for me career and life wise. I do feel a little nervous about having a 2.5 year old and a newborn, but I guess we’ll get through it. The one other thing I think about with being an older parent is that my parents themselves are also older and both my husbands parents have passed away- I think being a sandwich generation is harder with young kids and I’m always really sad that only my oldest will remember her paternal grandparents.
Child spacing? says
Yes! The grandparent thing is such a factor for me. Both my husband’s parents and my parents are older to begin with, so with us being older parents it’s compounded. This is a huge part of why I’m feeling a lot of pressure, and also why I wish we could’ve had kids earlier.
Anon says
I wouldn’t give the grandparent thing too much weight. I think a nuclear family generally has far more impact on a kid’s upbringing then their relationship with their grandparents does. And this is kind of morbid, but it’s not uncommon for even healthy people in their 60s/70s to die rather suddenly, so even if you got pregnant ASAP, there’s no guarantee the kid(s) would know their grandparents for long enough to have lots of good memories. If you feel ready for more and it works out that your parents and in-laws are young enough to know their grandkids well, that’s great but I wouldn’t make family planning decisions based on anything but your immediate family. (I’m one and done fwiw, but am glad I waited to have a baby until I felt completely ready, even though it meant the grandparents were older and statistically are very unlikely to see our child graduate high school.)
Child spacing? says
I know there are no guarantees and anyone can die at any time (including me or my husband, for that matter.) But I’d like to increase the chance that my kids know their grandparents if possible.
AwayEmily says
I had my first at 36 and my second at 38 (I’m now 39). We are on the fence about a third, leaning strongly towards no. If we had started earlier we definitely would have tried for a third, but neither my husband nor I are sure we are ready to go through the baby stage again for another few years (if at all), and at that point it may just be too late.
My honest take: our kids were about 18 months apart and in an ideal world, I would have spaced them more like 3 years apart. Two under two is really hard, and even two under 3 is pretty tough. For us at least there was a BIG change in the older one’s self-sufficiency at around 3.
like you, I wish we could have started earlier and had more kids spaced further apart, but I’m so happy we ended up with the kids we did have, and I try to focus on the positives (now, at 3 and 18 months, they actually play together quite well).
Katarina says
I had my three kids at 33, 36, and 39. My first and second are just under 2.5 years apart, and my second and third are a bit over three years apart. If I had started earlier I would have wanted at least a 3 year gap, and after the first two I knew I wanted a 3 year gap for number three, even if it meant risking not having a third. Like AwayEmily, I have found a huge improvement in self sufficiency right at three years old. I too wish I had started earlier. In my case it wasn’t unavoidable, but I was too risk averse to have a child while in law school. I know a couple that had two children while they were both in their mid forties, and they needed to get a night nanny because they could not deal with the lack of sleep at that age.
So Anon says
Does anyone have experience with when little boys should start wearing deodorant? My son is 8.5 and I’ve noticed that after a busy day at summer camp, the little dude has a bit of a smell. I am starting him on the daily shower routine. I envision getting him to wear deodorant to be a bit of a battle because he is very sensitive to textures, the feeling of things on his skin, etc. Any ideas short of deodorant? Will this challenge become less of an issue when the weather cools off (should be in 2 weeks here in New England)?
Anonymous says
When talking to my sister and SIL this seems like the age that they may start to need it. My 8yr old nephew wears it every day and has to shower every day but he’s always been a sweaty kid. This surprised me because as a girl I don’t think I wore it until 6/7th grade!
Anonymous says
I’d give it a solid week or two if daily showers, making sure he uses soap, and making sure he wears clean clothes. If that doesn’t do the trick it’s time.
mascot says
Daily showers seem to help keep my kid that age smelling fresh most of the time although after sports/practice, he could use some extra help. Can you take him to the store and let him get a couple of types (spray, gel stick, solid in his favorite scent) to experiment with? I’ve been able to find lots of mens deodorant-only options without having to veer into “natural” products which can cause irritation on sensitive skin. I’m not generally a fan of anti-bac soaps, but you could maybe try one that he could use for underarms and feet if he’s really resistant.
anon says
It’s probably time. Good for you on being proactive about this. My in laws were extremely lax about hygiene/didn’t give their kids any instructions at all and my husband was bullied as a child for being the “smelly kid” because he didn’t know you’re supposed to shower more than once a week in middle school. He figured it out, but was emotionally scarred in the process.
anon says
DS definitely had friends who started wearing deodorant around this age. Tom’s makes a deodorant that’s formulated for kids; I found it at Target
anon says
i know people on this board (see above) often say that people are happy to have you reach out, but somehow it always fails for me. we are newish in the area where we live and are still trying to establish a friend network. i recently tried to reach out to two different people who i met through our 1 year old twins. with the first person we made plans and then she said one of her twins was sick (but her posts on social media kind of made it seem like that wasn’t true) and we tentatively rescheduled for the following week and she was going to check back in with me once she confirmed which day her parents were getting into town. the second person also said they had to check their schedule. i often feel like i am always reaching out to people and no one reaches out to me. what is kind of hard is that we live in area where a lot of people grew up here, left and came back or just never left. or also married people from this city and their entire extended family is in this city so they have HUGE networks. everyone told me it would be easier once we had kids, but i am still finding it challenging. why is making friends as an adult so hard…
Anonymous says
I had a lot of success meeting people through a local “newcomers” group in town. The group has mommy and me and family type events but also a lot of ladies brunches, ladies nights out etc. the nice thing is, the event is organized, so all you have to do is show up – no pressure for reaching out and inviting people yourself. It took me about a year of diligently attending the monthly brunches and the book club, etc. before I made a small group of girlfriends who I now hang out with separately. I still attend the group events when I can because I like having acquaintances around town as well. I found my group through meetup. It’s an official organization with a $35 annual fee. Maybe your city has one?
Anonymous says
Also, sympathies. Not saying it’s easy – I agree it’s hard. Just trying to offer a suggestion that worked for me.
Anon says
No advice but solidarity. I am in the same position and it’s hard.
Anon says
I’ve had the same experience. I’m in a college town so lots of newcomers, but most people get connected into a network soon after moving here (people in the same religion or from the same home country, for example) and not be on the lookout for new friends. I’ve had several women tell me point blank (kindly but firmly) that they aren’t looking for new friends. I’ve never been great at making friends but feel really isolated now. I have NO local mom friends which is kind of a practical problem as well as an emotional one (no one to watch our kids in an emergency, etc.)
SC says
DH and I have become friends with 2 couples from Kiddo’s daycare. He’s been there 3 years now. It took several attempts to get together with these couples before we were friends (and sometimes still takes multiple attempts to see each other, even though we know we like each other now). We’ve also suggested getting together with other people and made vague plans and not followed through, or had plans canceled and not rescheduled. It takes time, and some genuine effort by both parties. Don’t take it personally. Sometimes people don’t want to expand their circle, and other times, they’re overwhelmed and the timing isn’t right.
We’re also in a community where everyone knows each other and already has their people. With both couples we’ve become friends with, they didn’t grow up here and seemed to be trying to find their tribe. Also, we felt like we naturally hit it off–we didn’t try to force anything. There are another 2 dozen people I’ve gotten to know some and genuinely like when I see them at kid or parent stuff, but we haven’t really become friends, and that’s OK too.
Katarina says
This might not be helpful, but I have found it easier to meet other parents with school age children. The soccer team was an especially good way, because there is a lot of parental involvement and mingling. I think it is hard to make friends with people you meet in passing, and much easier when you spend time together regularly.
Special needs parent says
We have a special boy (aged 4) who has just potty trained. He is completely nonverbal and communicative about potty training (he talks and communicates about many things just not those things). At daycare he basically gets reminded to go to the bathroom every hour and that works 100% with no accidents.
At home husband has basically been allowing child to be naked or in his underwear and not reminding him to use the bathroom leading to accidents around the house and a lot of cleaning. I do a lot of the morning care and husband does more of the evenings while I cook dinner or whatnot.
What are everyone’s thoughts? I understand husband is tired but it doesn’t excuse letting the little dude just pee on the couch.
SC says
How does your kid react when asked/reminded to use the potty at home?
We had a lot of trouble potty training. One of the things his teachers recommended for us was a potty watch. It’s like $15 on Amazon, and you can set how often it goes off. It’s pretty cool but didn’t work for us–Kiddo ignored it and broke 2 of them (see below).
Kiddo did fine at daycare, where they not only reminded him to go potty every hour or two, but it was part of a routine with the whole class. At home, we’d be like, “Oh, do you need to go potty?” and he’d scream “NO!” and then have an accident 2 minutes later. Or we’d say, “Let’s go potty before dinner,” and he’d scream “NO!” and run around the house and refuse to come to the dinner table and have an accident 2 minutes later. Or we’d pick him up to put him on the potty, and he’d scream “NO!” and hit or kick us and then have an accident two minutes later. The potty watch just set off the timer for one of these interactions to happen because Kiddo didn’t want to listen to the watch anymore than he wanted to listen to us.
What worked was (1) to give up and let him just pee on the couch or whatever and act like we didn’t care at all, and (2) to get him to participate in changing his clothes and cleaning up. We have this same approach when he spills milk or whatever–it’s no big deal, just grab a towel and clean up. The combination of letting go of the power struggle plus it being less convenient for him got us over the hump.
Anonymous says
He actually doesn’t mind going unless he really enjoys something (being in the pool, in the middle of a movie). Does well on the potty and flushes and washes his hands on his own.
SC says
I’d say try the potty watch. It might work for you if all Kiddo needs is a reminder/nudge.
We’re still working on flushing/washing hands without being reminded.
Anonymous says
Thank you we had never heard of the watch before are are asking our occupational therapist
Anonymous says
If your husband refuses to take kiddo to the bathroom on the schedule that sets him up for success, then you need to swap evening responsibilities. He cooks, you supervise kiddo.
CCLA says
That’s incredibly unfair to mom unless she would prefer to supervise instead of cooking, etc., since she’s already doing primary parenting in the morning. Special needs parent, I think you need to have a talk between you and DH to agree on what the approach should be here toward kiddo at home, then you both have to execute on it. You can’t be pulling all of the parenting weight to get kiddo potty trained at home while he lets things slide…presumably you’re exhausted like DH, he doesn’t get to drop the ball while you pick it up. If he actually disagrees and thinks his approach is right, that’s a different conversation.
Me says
I’m sorry, that stinks! Because your son relies on reminders from others to use the bathroom, it is completely inappropriate for your husband to be relaxed on this. As upset as this would make me (and I imagine you are too!), I think you need to have a firm (but not angry) talk with your husband about how critical this is. I hope he’s the one cleaning up 100% of these accidents (which seems like WAY more work than reminding your son to go to the bathroom!).
I would worry about a regression in potty training because of your husband’s inattention, which is just creating even more work in the long run. If a firm talk with him doesn’t work, perhaps a joint trip to the pediatrician is in order.
Is there a chance your husband is depressed? That seems like an excessive level of being “tired”, and I know even very small things have felt like too much to me when I’ve been depressed.
Anonymous says
Hard to say?
I love our kid and have no perspective on anyone else’s kids without special needs or other special needs kids but it is very tiring some days and in many ways having him in diapers was so much less work. We are through the worst of it but it was so much laundry for a while (most of which I did)
Like, I feel sometimes like we just don’t get much down time (but many parents probably feel like that). Husband loves little man a lot and they have a great time together and do a lot of active play but husband doesn’t force him to wear clothing if he doesn’t want to (kid has sensory issues) and doesn’t force him to do things just because (stuff like bathroom every hour). Kid does sometimes go to the bathroom all on his own (he would never go number 2 on the couch for example) and gets a lot of praise from both of us.
I think basically it’s easy to pretend the kid isn’t having small accidents on the couch.
Anonymous says
Can your phrase it differently? He’s not doing kid any favors by failing to potty train him. He’s harming kids development