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Everywhere I look, stores are banning plastic bags — and good for them! I also love shopping at places like Aldi, where you have to pay for plastic bags. I keep reusable bags in my trunk at all times, and I really like this one from J.Crew. I like the jute outside with the waterproof lining for usability, and the mission to provide fair trade wages to the makers. When I lived in the city, I would have appreciated a longer handle, but for carrying groceries from a cart to the trunk of my car, this fits the bill. And how can I forget the message, “Raise Kind Humans,” which we’re all trying to do here. This bag is $68 and is available at J.Crew. Apolis™ “Raise Kind Humans” Market Bag
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Lana Del Raygun says
Do people actually buy tote bags? I feel like mine are all freebies from conferences and WIC and the health insurance fair. WMATA even gave me one as, like, a thank-you present for not buying a car during SafeTrack.
shortperson says
every once in a while, like from a coffee shop or bakery that i love. i dont buy “souvenirs” on trips but often i’ll buy a canvas bag. but while i would not normally describe myself as frugal and i will pay extra for fair trade, i would never spend anywhere close to $68 on a grocery bag.
Cb says
Nope! We have a plastic bag tax here and I just use the freebies.
AwayEmily says
I get mine from conferences, but my best friend gave me a Rose Apothecary tote bag last month and it makes me so happy every day.
sweettarte says
Ooh, want this.
Anonymous says
yes – but only from vacation spots that I love to remind me of my vacation when I’m back to day to day life. I usually go for a reusable bag I buy at a local grocery store on vacation vs. one with the name of the town/country emblazoned all over it. I’m pretty minimalist otherwise so these are my main souvenirs.
anon says
I really love this idea!
Anonymous says
Yes. I have this set for groceries and really love them. They’re affordable, cheap, washable, water resistant, sturdy, and hold a ton.
https://www.amazon.com/Reusable-Foldable-Attached-Polyester-Lightweight/dp/B01N6EGXUB/ref=sr_1_3?keywords=grocery+bags&qid=1552053496&s=gateway&sr=8-3
The freebie bags drive me nuts. They’re usually horrible quality, and I don’t prefer things with words. I don’t take them and rarely use them.
CPA Lady says
Oooo those look good.
One thing I wonder about the raise kind humans bag — is it machine washable? Because I have no use for a $68 grocery bag that can’t be washed. Not that I wash our reusable bags that much, but sometimes they get funky and it’s nice to have the option.
anon says
Agree. I hate the cheap freebie ones. They are impossible to clean. I have some similar ones to these from whole foods that are nylon. I wash them in the washing machine but can’t put them in the dryer. When they wear out (which will be in a million years – thanks plastic!) I plan on getting some all cotton ones I can put in the dryer.
Lana Del Raygun says
I do want to buy some of those net bags, though, just to take them to the farmers market for the a e s t h e t i c.
Anonanonanon says
Nothing wrong with doing it for the ‘gram! :-P
GCA says
We have what feels like a bazillion reusable bags – from conferences, from the New Yorker magazine subscription, institutional swag… The ones I use most are the ones that fold down tiny, can be stuffed in my purse, and can be machine washed.
Everlong says
My 3 year-old has been getting himself up every morning once dawn begins. He’s lovely, but he’s not getting enough sleep so not only is this detrimental to my precious early AM solo time, he’s a bear by evening! I’m hoping that the time change this weekend helps correct this, but clearly I know from this board that I need an OK to Wake clock. There are so many options on Amazon when I just search OK to Wake clock on Amazon. Will you please tell me what I want? The specific brand or link to Amazon would be much appreciated! THANK YOU!
AwayEmily says
We have the “Mirari OK to Wake! Alarm Clock & Night-Light”
Anonymous says
Do you have blackout curtains? We have a blackout blind plus curtains over the top. My three year old would have no clue when dawn is.
FVNC says
We also have used the Mirari OK to wake clock.
It has worked fabulously for our now 5 yr old for several years, so I bought another for our not-quite-two yr old. I haven’t started using it for him yet, though, bc his wake up times are SO variable — ranging from 5:30 to 6:30. I’m afraid if I set it for, say, 5:45, that will wake him up on a day he would otherwise sleep till 6:30, but setting it for 6:20 would be too long to ask him to wait in his crib during an early morning wakups. All that to say — consider whether you need the “remote set” feature to control the time the light turns on. If kiddo wakes at dawn (i.e., roughly the same time) the Mirari is great.
HSAL says
We use the Mirari too, but I saw a great tip somewhere about just using a lamp with a smart plug – it’s easier to change wakeup times from day to day if need be. You can schedule a smart plug to be 7 on Wednesdays, 6:30 on Tuesdays, etc, or even do it ad hoc remotely.
Anonymous says
Good luck! We have an oK to wake clock. And 2/3 of mine can read a regular clock. And we instituted a “don’t get out of bed u til the sun is up.” And they have blackout curtains.
And yet, my 3 year old is up at 5:30am (before sunrise, before the OK to wake clock, before there is a 6/7/8 on the clock) and in my face every morning. If we send her back to bed she just starts yelling and wakes my other two. She knows she’s up too early but claims she’s done sleeping and will die without food.
My oldest tries to sleep until the clock says 7 but is allowed out of bed if it’s after 6:30.
CCLA says
Love the hatch light! Can be used as ok to wake and also for white noise. Or even a nightlight. We’ve been using with our toddler since she was about 22 months, though I tthink she would have taken to it earlier had we tried.
Anon says
Caveat that our LO is only 7 months old but we have the Hatch and love it. We got it based on a friend recommendation. It’s pricier than other options but the ability to control from an app and have multiple programs is really great. It serves us now as a combo very low nightlight (we still get up out of bed at least once a night to check if she’s breathing so it’s nice to be able to see her) and a noisemaker. Before we grab her in the morning we change the color/sound in hopes of creating an association early with that means mom or dad is coming to get me (our friends did this and when their son was toddler they moved it to a program apparently pretty seamlessly since he already had the association ). I like the flexibility of having a set program but that you can also control from your phone which sounds like it might be ideal for you now. You could set it to change to ok to wake color at 6:20 but if kiddo wakes up way earlier, you can override from your phone. Our friends also use it for night time routine. It’s not mom and dad saying it’s PJs and story time and then bed time, it’s the CLOCK saying that it’s time for PJs.
Redux says
Dog people: My friend’s dog is dying. She’s a little dog who had a long, happy life, but her organs are failing and it seems like she doesn’t have much time left. My friend posted about it on Insta. Should I go visit the dog (i.e., my friend) before the dog dies? I am not a dog person but I totally get that people feel like their dogs are family members.
avocado says
Aww, that is sad. It totally depends on your friend. If you know the dog and know that it would be meaningful to your friend and have time, definitely make a brief visit. But some people might not want a visit–we happened to be visiting family when it became apparent that it was time for them to put their dog to sleep, and the presence of extra people just added to their stress.
Whether you visit or not, I’d send a card after the dog passes, with a cute memory of the dog if you can think of one. That will let your friend know she is cared for.
rosie says
Agree w/avocado. I would lean towards not going to visit before the dog dies, but then visit your friend after — you could even bring food (losing a pet is a real loss) & agree on the card. We had a few people visit who wanted to love on our dog before she died, but it would have been stressful to try to coordinate many visitors, and we kind of wanted to just do our own thing and spoil her at the end.
anon says
Depends on your friend. If she needs the company and you are particularly close, you might offer to be there for her, but I wouldn’t tie it to a visit for the dog. After the dog passes, lots of support and love–a card, a small comfort gift (food or whatnot), flowers, whatever will make your friend feel loved. I was very happy to have my sister as a roommate and my bf around when my dog died two years ago. It is the only time in my life I needed someone to remind me to eat.
Em says
I recently lost a dog and a good fried of mine who is an insane dog lover like me and who took a particular liking to this particular dog came to visit the dog and me before she died. She brought her a special treat and, although neither of us are big criers, and we both sat and cried with the dog. It was a meaningful and appreciated gesture because it was that particular person, but I wouldn’t have wanted anyone else there at that time.
Anon says
Is your friend single? Are you close? I would have really struggled to do the whole euthanasia trip solo. My husband was with me. If you could offer to be with her or drive her to that if you think she is facing that alone, would be amazing. I also had some questions after but I was too much of a basket case to talk so I just left. I texted my best friend and she called the vet with my questions and then passed along the answers via text so I didn’t have to talk.
Anonymous says
OMG 100% this. And I never would have thought of it, but if I had to do that myself, I would love to have had support from the right person. Just make sure you make it ok that she turn you down if she doesn’t want you to come.
rosie says
This is a great comment.
Where does it all go?! says
Do you ever look at your bank account and think (1) I understand math, so this balance obviously makes sense, and (2) but, for real, where did it all go?! I track on Mint, know where it goes, etc. But I just can’t get over feeling like my lifestyle hasn’t changed enough to match the increased spending since law school. Nice to see you, adulthood.
GCA says
Right? Just that 1) we have 2 tiny humans in daycare, 2) are now feeding 2 adults and 1 preschooler with an unpredictable but huge appetite, and 3) are doing various extra adulting things like 529s and term insurance.
Husband finishes PhD this year. We’re in a HCOL area & white-knuckling it through financially…
HSAL says
It gets better! My husband finished his PhD last year with one in daycare. His great job with great pay was an awesome step up, though we don’t feel all the benefits since we now have three in daycare. :) So you’re going to make it and it’s going to be amazing.
Anonymous says
*raises hand* We pay more in rent than we did 2 years ago (two-bedroom apartment instead of 1) and also have 2 kids in daycare, which is basically another rent payment. So yeah, I know where the money goes (and we spend reasonably, etc.) but we definitely spend more than pre-kids.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Our rent + 2 in daycare payment will soon be close to $7,000/month so that’s fun.
anon says
I feel you! Rent + preschool x 2 = $7,500/month…and THIS is why we’re still renting.
Anonymous says
One thing I really hate is that now that we have child-related expenses, I feel like we’ll never get ahead of my student loans.
Anon says
Yes, but I think I only notice and am more sensitive because we’re paying 2-3x our mortgage payment in accounting and legal fees each month to resolve some tax issues from when DH was self-employed. Hopefully will be resolved in the next 1-2 months and I won’t be counting every penny again trying to keep from raiding savings (realizing we are fortunate enough to be able to not usually count pennies and to be able to mostly make the payments without raiding savings).
San Diego bound says
Traveling to San Diego with elementary school aged kids for spring break. Looking for recommendations on how to spend last 7 hours in San Diego between hotel check out and boarding flight. We will not have a car but will have our luggage. I’m thinking of one of the smaller attractions in Balboa Park (ie, not the zoo) or the Maritime Museum. Do any of these places have lockers for our luggage? And how about good kid friendly places to eat nearby where we won’t feel rushed?
Anonymous says
Hotel will usually hold your luggage for you for a reasonable period after check out. Have lunch, go visit a museum or park, head back to your hotel for luggage and get transport (taxi/uber) from hotel to airport.
Anonymous says
If convenient, I’d be shocked if your hotel wouldn’t hold your luggage for you.
Anonymous says
Leave your luggage at the hotel.
shortperson says
little italy is fun for lunch and there’s an amazing outdoor playground nearby, waterfront park. you can see the airport from these places. balboa park is nice too.
anon says
It’s Friday, so let’s start up the thread where we share the cute/awesome things our kids did this week!
1) 9-year-old had a snow day yesterday. While DH was out scooping the driveway, the kiddo vacuumed the whole basement without being prompted. I was floored, no pun intended. Parents of little kids: take heart, they become helpful eventually!
2) My preschooler is in a hard-core doll phase, and it’s so adorable. Every morning, she changes Baby out of pajamas and puts her in a new outfit for school. She also is a swadling pro and has blankets set up as nap mats all over her bedroom for the babies. I absolutely melted when she sweetly told me that she’s going to be a mommy like me someday. :)
Cb says
We banned food pouches (called pika fruit) in our house at Christmas and my 19 month old told me he was hungry after dinner on Wednesday. I asked him what he wanted and he said ‘Ummm? Fruit [long pause] pika fruit?’ with the cheekiest little grin on his face. He then laughed hilariously. He clearly thought he had told the world’s funniest joke, I laughed so hard.
Also, I had a proud mom moment. The woman who runs the cafe near my office recognised me from the bus and told me what a cute kid I had and how impressed she was at his verbal skills.
KW says
I’ll play!
1) My 7 yo got up early and made breakfast in bed for DH and I last weekend complete with foods she knows each of us likes and a poem for each of us about how happy she is to have a mom/dad like us. So, so sweet.
2) 5 mo is sleeping much better in his crib and apparently learned to roll from back to tummy because I found him sleeping on his tummy two mornings this week.
Em says
My 3-year-old is really into asking who got him things (like a shirt, toy, or our dog). Yesterday he asked who made him and I told him that I made him in my tummy. He replied “you made me with dad?” (side note: no idea where he learned that), and I said “yes, daddy and I made you” and he goes “Oh! Thank you for making me!”
FVNC says
Love this thread! My 23 month old has started singing, mostly Twinkle Twinkle, but also occasionally the alphabet song, and sometimes a combo of both (“Up above the wull so high, q-r-s-ellamenope, how I wunner what oo ahh”). I love hearing his little voice. My five year old swam across the small pool (maybe 10-12 yards) at her swim lessons for the first time yesterday, and asked to eat pizza! Even though pizza is total junk, we were so happy — the girl has an incredibly limited diet, so just a willingness to try new junk food is a big step for her.
Anonymous says
omg, the singing. too precious.
Anon says
DH fell asleep on the couch one night this week, so I took my 19MO upstairs for bath and bed, and she was patting the bed where DH sleeps and plaintively going “DaDa?” and then got all distressed that Dada was downstairs – so we went down, she gave Dada her usual kiss goodnight (while he continued snoring), and then all was well. It was super cute because she’s in the “all about mama DGAF about Dada” phase, but she’s been showing him more spontaneous love this week.
EB says
We let our 2 year old skip daycare to go out to the ranch with his Dad today (we’re in Texas, it’s a thing) and he was so fired up to put his boots and camo sweater on to go ride around in the “jeep”. I don’t know if this is cute or special, but I am just treasuring the fact that he is finally old enough to spend nights out there with his Dad and that they have a “thing” they do together. Also, I get to sleep in tomorrow morning and I cannot wait.
Anonymous says
We were on vacation last week at the beach. A group of older kids (4-7 year olds) were digging a giant hole to fill with water and my 19mo brought his little dump truck over to “help”. What was even sweeter was that the youngest girl accepted his help and showed him how to dig.
Anonymous says
My 16 month-old has gotten very “helpful.” After morning cuddles, she climbs off my bed and hands me my glasses. When she’s hanging out while we shower, as soon as she hears the water turn off, she gets our towel off the rack and hands it to us. Etc. It’s adorable and impressive– I don’t remember my older kid doing these things, ever. :)
anon says
The past couple of mornings I’ve gone into my sleeping 4 year old’s room to say goodbye (I leave for work early), and he’s sleepily given me a hug, then promptly rolls over and goes right back to sleep. My heart melts each time.
TK says
I’ve been talking to my 5-year-old about “black ice” for a month because of road conditions here in the Midwest … a few days ago he asked if there were ever “black ears” on the road. This entire time he thought I had been telling him about scary “black eyes” on the road that were causing car accidents.
anon says
This is so sweet!
SC says
1) My 3-yo is out of school this week and staying home with DH. They picked me up for lunch the other day, and Kiddo said, “I love you, Mommy.” Then, “Mommy, I like your jacket.” And finally, “Mommy, I want to be with you forever and weeks!” What an ego boost for me! Also, DH was the favored parent for at least a year, and Kiddo wanted very little to do with me. It feels good that Kiddo has outgrown the “only Daddy” stage and likes both of us now :-)
2) DH was out late last Friday night. Kiddo asked where Daddy was, and I told him that Daddy would be home later, after Kiddo was in bed. Kiddo responded, “Oh nooo, then Daddy will get sick!” Me: “Why would Daddy get sick?” Kiddo: “He won’t get his rest!” Apparently, he’s listening when we tell him that he needs his rest to stay healthy.
GCA says
Reading through these responses makes me really excited for the 12-24 month adorable-toddler stage in half a year as I currently have a (very cute and burbly, but) teething monster (7m) and a lanky beast of an almost-4yo (who is very sweet in different ways, but…tantrums).
Anon says
How bad is it to bow out of a work conference because you don’t want to leave your kid? My job is not travel heavy, but I normally go to an annual conference. My colleagues would love to go, but I “get” to because it’s related to the business unit I work for (my colleagues do similar work for other units). Last year I was newly back from leave, and DH was on paternity leave and he and the baby came with me. This year he can’t come because of work commitments (none of the grandparents are available either). My daughter is still nursing, and I’m afraid that if I leave her for the week my milk supply will completely dry up, even if I pump. She’s way more efficient than the pump at this point and the last time I pumped was months ago and I got basically nothing out. I’m also really sad about being away from her for a week, even though that may be ridiculous. She’s old enough to be sad when I leave, but not old enough to really enjoy seeing me on Skype I don’t think. Can I just…ask not to go? I may get mommy-tracked, but I’m ok with that. Raises and opportunities for advancement are pretty limited to begin with and I’m not really motivated by money.
Anonymous says
Go to the conference. It’s your job. It’s importanr. She and you will be fine.
Anonymous says
I’d let your colleagues go. It’s fine to say that you think another colleague could benefit from the opportunity and while clearly it is most beneficial for you to be the regular attendee, there is merit in rotating in another colleague every couple years.
Anon says
What kind of conference is it? If it isn’t crucial to your job function and another colleague is available and would like to go in your place, I don’t see it as being the end of the world. Can you just say it doesn’t work for your schedule this year and Anna has said she’d like to go in your place?
Alternatively, is it possible to go but not for the whole week? That’s a pretty long conference anyway.
Anonymous says
How old is the baby? I’m a lazy 3rd time mom so take that for what it’s worth. If baby is ~1 I’d just call if done with the nursing and use it as a great time to wean. And enjoy quiet nights in a hotel with nobody crying or trying to get in my bed.
Anon says
She will be 16 months at the time of the conference. I really wanted to nurse to age 2 and neither of us is currently ready to wean (she’s only 14 months now, so things could certainly change in the next two months but I have to make the decision now, because it’s time to buy plane tickets and if I want to propose someone else goes instead, I have to do it now).
10:54 Anon says
If you’re worried this will interfere with your breastfeeding relationship and will force you to wean early, then don’t do it. I nursed my daughter into toddler-hood and would not have jeopardized it. End of story. Lots of folks will tell you if she’s over one, then just wean her. And if that was a decision that was right for them, then that is fantastic. But if that is not right for you, then don’t do it. Do what is best for you and your family.
Anonymous says
+1 to this
Anonymous says
Sure! And that’s why i caveated my advice. I’m a mom of 3 (each 2 years apart) who was so.over.nursing. By 9-12 months for each and by the time the third came, I was *so done* I wouldn’t have thought twice about weaning in this scenario.
Anonymous says
I’d bow out, but have a plan in place when you tell your boss. Possibly a specific recommended attendee. And a plan for getting whatever benefit out of the conference you should be getting…Attendee will meet A, B, C, bring notes back on X, you’ll follow up with folks, etc.
EB says
I don’t think you’re going to get a consensus here – everyone would handle this pretty differently based on their values and priorities. You can totally not go if you don’t want to, and it sounds like you understand that it might have implications for your career and that does not change your feelings about it and that’s fine. Personally, I would go and I would relish that I had a whole week of sleeping in a bed by myself and not waking up early, but I stopped breastfeeding at 7 months and was fine with it and it’s also fine if you don’t feel that way. I do think that if you decide not to go, you should think about how best to frame it to your work and whether someone can go in your place.
Anonanonanon says
^This. I would 100% NEVER tell my job I can’t go to something because I have children, but that doesn’t mean it’s the right decision for you. As a manager, I wouldn’t make you go, especially if others wanted to go, but I’d be lying if I said it wouldn’t mommy track you a bit. However, I totally would have given you a pass the previous year!!
Anyway, this is a very personal decision and you know what’s right for you and your family.
Pogo says
It sounds like you really don’t want to go, so don’t (unless it is a hard requirement for your job). People skip out on conferences all the time for various reasons, we just make sure that someone from our business unit can represent. If you think you will have to travel more in the future and want to rip the Band-Aid off, it is a good time to do it – after 18mo has been prime “mama mama mama” time for us, which makes it tough for DH when I’m gone. But LO will be fine- BFing moms travel without their kiddos every day.
anon says
Is there a webinar? I did that when I was nursing.
regular poster, anon for this says
How do you take care of yourself when you are taking care of someone else? The last year has just been brutal for my family. 2 people very close to my husband died suddenly before Christmas. (One friend, one close family member, both unexpected, less than 3 weeks apart.) Our toddler has been sick a ton and is having some developmental issues that I have been trying to navigate. DH and I have both been on-and-off sick for more than 6 months. His workload blew up and it’s taking everything he has, emotionally and physically, to just keep his head above water and try to stay rested and healthy.
I’ve been carrying the water for our family as he works through his grief and workload, but I feel myself fraying and I don’t know how to focus on myself. I’ve signed up for grocery delivery and hired a housekeeper who will do laundry, but even those tasks require attention. (The mental load is real, y’all.) When I have a spare hour I usually end up just staring at my phone or going to bed early. Taking a day off feels wasteful because what would I even do with myself? We don’t have a ton of extra money for something like a spa day. I know this won’t last forever but realistically it’s at least several more months and that feels unsustainable for me.
Suggestions or even just commiseration welcome.
Lana Del Raygun says
I’m sorry, that sounds really hard. Can you ask a friend (or a couple) for emotional support, like a standing coffee date where you get to vent, or talk about something else entirely, whichever you find more comforting? This is one of those “comfort in, dump out” situations and it sounds like you’re only comforting in.
Anonymous says
Take the day off. Walk in nature. Nap. Go to bed as early as possible.
Anonymous says
When I have a spare hour I usually end up just staring at my phone or going to bed early.
— this is okay. DO go to bed early or zone out. You get to have a break too.
Taking a day off feels wasteful because what would I even do with myself?
– it is not wasteful. Sit on your couch, eat cookies and watch trash tv or go from brunch and yoga with a friend – whatever is restful to you. It doesn’t have to be an expensive spa day, but you NEED a day to recharge your batteries, without guilt. Put on your own oxygen mask first.
Lana Del Raygun says
I agree with this, but I suspect that staring at your phone won’t actually recharge you the way yoga or nature or even TV can. It doesn’t for me, anyway.
Anonymous says
I added a screen time limit on my phone for f a c ebook and safari. Sometimes I ignore it (if I responding to a comment on a mom’s board, or looking up something legitimate) but it cuts down on the mindless scrolling that ends up making me feel worse.
anon says
I really commiserate. I am in a similar boat and I’m trying to figure it out too. I think if you can take a day and get some sleep that will go a long way. Not to make light of mental illness, but sometimes when I feel like my depression is coming back, I am actually just incredibly sleep deprived. I would schedule a cleaning service to come asap if you can swing it, and if not, maybe try to have some fun while you clean just enough to make things feel nice. A clean home always makes me feel like I can handle things better. Then, I would take a day off for sure if you can swing it at all. Sleep in, have coffee in bed, read a fun book (the Proposal by Jasmin Gillory is on my list!), call your mom/girlfriends, and take a bath. It might not fix everything but it will help.
And try to connect with your husband even if he’s struggling and working like crazy. This week, as my husband has had a lot of work, I’ve told him that he has to take a break and snuggle with me before I fall asleep. It is nice to connect physically and chat for a little bit even if he has to go back to work after. Good luck and try to just take things a little at a time. I’ll be thinking of you!
anon for this says
I have a post in mod, also reading Jasmine Guillory! Just finished the Wedding Date, going to start the Proposal soon.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
+1 to Jasmine Guillory for pure, fun, WOC-centered brain candy. Would recommend her interview on Forever35 for some more self-love.
anon says
I echo what others have said about nature being restorative. Looking at trees or the horizon has been shown in research to have real benefits. Go somewhere easy and just sit. It will feel better than you think.
Also, sleep is your friend. The first thing to go when we don’t get enough sleep is our emotional regulation. I get the appeal of a phone (I have the same temptation and have to fight it hard when I need the sleep) but do everything you can to put it down and go to sleep.
If you have the PTO available, take the day off. Take a long walk, a hike, something in nature, and then take a really great nap.
anon for this says
Oh my goodness, I so identify with this. I was reading your post and part-way through, it hit me. I left work a little early one day this week and was trying to figure out what to do with myself. Hoping to relax, I picked up some chips to eat at home while I watched some TV, but then my spouse wanted to talk through some work issues.
Some things that have been making me feel a little better lately:
– rewatching light TV shows (something like Hart of Dixie, Superstore)
– reading (specifically Jasmine Guillory rom coms & would recommend that or something light)
– shopping at TJ Maxxx or similar for accessories/beauty products (I find this kind of thing relaxing, I know those stores are not everyone’s cup of tea)
– lunch or coffee with friend
Also, I’m not in therapy right now but debating starting up again. Having an hour once a week where you go and talk about everything on your plate & how supporting someone else in the ways that you are makes you feel can be helpful.
Big hugs to you.
SC says
I’m not currently in your situation, but I have been. I take care of myself with sleep, yoga videos at home, and reading from the library. I also try to restart healthy habits that tend to go by the wayside when I get overwhelmed–a go-to healthy lunch, a bedtime routine, drinking water instead of coffee, etc.
If I were to take a day off, I’d use it for some personal errands–getting my car washed, getting an inexpensive manicure and my eyebrows done, taking some clothes to the tailor and others to the dry cleaner, dropping off some shoes to be repaired, shopping for clothes or makeup or art for the house or anything that’s hard to buy with a toddler.
Anonanonanon says
I think outsourcing is the right track. It sounds like finances aren’t unlimited (whose are?), and I feel you with the fact that finding a service to outsource to is just another type of work (it took me 8 months to work up the mental energy to find a housekeeping service and then I only scheduled them once), but what about a mother’s helper a couple of nights a week? Just to be that extra set of hands a spouse would otherwise be (clean up the table and food on the floor from the toddler while you bathe them, get the pajamas that are inevitably in the dryer when you need them for the kiddo at bedtime, etc.).
Alternatively, if you have the PTO, TAKE THAT DAY OFF. Get a sheet mask (those are a couple of bucks). I always force myself to take the 10 minutes for the mask and not look at my phone, just be there with my eyes closed. It’s surprisingly hard for me but it’s almost like meditating. Watch some netflix. Take a nap!! Get your car washed and vacuum the inside with one of those awesome strong gas station vacuums.
rakma says
For those periods of free time that are unscheduled and unexpected, I have a mental list of things that make me feel better. 1-walk/yoga, 2-read, 3- knit. Even if it’s just 15 minutes, I try to do one of those things. If I’ve managed to do one of the three that day and I have another pocket of time, I try to do one of the other things. I try to keep ebooks on my phone (I use the Libby app from my library) and knitting in my bag, so that I’m not stuck waiting at a doctor’s office or somewhere with nothing to do. Staring at my phone is not restoring to me, and I needed to make alternatives for myself that were easy to follow thorough with.
Also, I have been trying to schedule a day or afternoon off at the same time as a friend. Combining the mental break and the social part has been a huge help.
Lana Del Raygun says
My feet grew half a size while I was pregnant; it’s been four months since I gave birth and I’ve gone down a quarter (UGH). I’m going to need some new shoes for summer but I don’t want to shell out real money if my feet are going to keep shrinking. I know they might not go back to their original size, but is there a time by which I can reasonably expect them to have settled into whatever is going to be their new normal? (Does it depend on when I get back into working out regularly?)
Anonymous says
Buy summer shoes when it is hot and summer.
Lana Del Raygun says
Right, but if my feet are likely to change sizes between June and September, or even June 2019 and June 2020, I’m going to get them at Target instead of springing for Rothy’s or whatever.
Anon says
I think they’re probably settled by now, sorry. Any swelling will go down in the first few weeks postpartum. Anything changes that remain after that are probably due to the bones in your feet relaxing and won’t really be undone.
octagon says
My feet settled at up-a-quarter-size, sorry. It’s really annoying. I took some of my more expensive shoes to get stretched, and had to replace the rest by going up a half-size.
Definitely buy new shoes when summer hits, because your feet will swell some in the heat.
anon says
Another bit of anecdata–my mom (who had five kids) went up a full shoe size over the years. I don’t think she ever went “back down” other than the typical reduction in late-pregnancy swelling after birth. I’ve read that it has to do with the stretching of your ligaments combined with the weight on your feet, FYI.
Anon says
My feet actually shrank! I was a 9 and, two pregnancies later, I’m comfortably 8.5.
Anon says
My feet shrank too, but I also had big feet (9.5 to begin with).
AwayEmily says
Mine too — I went from a 7.5 to a 7 after two pregnancies. Same thing happened to my sister (8 to a 7.5).
Claudette says
Ditto on all counts! How funny — I was just talking with a coworker this week about this and we agreed it seemed strange that feet would SHRINK during pregnancy. But I guess not so strange after all!
anon says
The variety of experiences is so crazy! My mom went from an 8.5 to a 9.5. My sister has only had one and her stayed a 9 but was crazy swollen towards the end. I have no babies yet so can’t tag onto the family pregnancy feet stats :).
Anon says
As a new owner of a pair of Rothys courtesy of my mother, I do think that a quarter size may not make a difference given how stretchy they are. My feet didn’t change last pregnancy, but we’re TTC again, so I am hesitant to buy more nice shoes if I can avoid it until we’re done having babies, because over the course of my mom’s 3 pregnancies, she permanently went up at least a size, maybe even two.
Anonymous says
Mine took a full year and ended up a half size smaller than pre baby.
anon says
So I finally received salary bump info on my recent promotion and my company is pro-rating my salary increase because I was on maternity last year for four months (all unpaid except three weeks). My husband was baffled as to why they would pro-rate a raise for a year in which I am taking no maternity leave and I have no answer. The patriarchy? I’m too tired to fight it and it doesn’t seem worth it but I’m sad/mad.
Anonymous says
This only makes sense if it is a retroactive increase that is being applied to the previous year during which you did take leave. Otherwise that’s totally illogical so, yes – it’s the patriarchy and yes it’s exhausting to fight.
Lana Del Raygun says
That sounds so weird to me. Was your leave in the same fiscal year? But even then, as I’m reading it, that’s going to reduce your salary forever, which seems unfair.
Anon says
It’s not unheard of. I work for the state government and we get really stingy raises (top performers get around 2%, plenty of decent performers get no raises). The year I was on leave, I was classified as a top performer eligible for the 2% pool, but it was pro-rated because of my leave so I only got 1.5%.
anon says
OP here. Yeah my mat leave was entirely in 2018 (Jan-Apr) and the raise is retroactive starting Jan 1, 2019. So just…yeah. Illogical and frustrating and all the annoying things.
Pogo says
Not cool. That’s a weird rule, and was not the case at my company. We have rules about the max % that someone can get without re-lo assistance, increase in global grade, deviation from the median comp in your geography, etc – but nothing that is tied to maternity leave! I think it’s probably legal, but really not cool.
Lana Del Raygun says
If they don’t prorate raises if you take long leaves for other purposes, wouldn’t it be pregnancy discrimination?
Anon says
I assume they prorate raises for any leave over X weeks.
Lana Del Raygun says
I do not assume that, lolsob.
octagon says
Seems pretty weird. I’d understand for a bonus (recognition for past work) but for something going forward, doesn’t make a lot of sense. I’d gently push as to the reasons behind it and if they say it’s because you took unpaid leave, ask where the policy is that unpaid leave will affect future bonuses. Can you subtly ask around to see whether other parents who took leave were impacted as well?
Anonymous says
Our raises are calculated as “merit,” i.e. recognition for past work. So, my company routinely prorates raises for the next year when someone has been out on leave for a certain amount of time regardless of whether it was maternity, medical, or some other reason. They also prorate bonuses. It sucks to get hit with the double whammy, and I’m sure it disproportionately impacts women who are more likely to be taking longer leaves (multiple times) during their working years, but it is in line with what they believe a pay increase represents.
Anonymous says
Your company has a stupid philosophy and doesn’t understand basic math.
rosie says
This is terrible and awful. This is how you get a pattern of men & women doing the same job, with the same title, but with women consistently making less money and never able to catch up regardless of the effort and commitment they put into the work.
Lana Del Raygun says
It sounds like someone read an article about the motherhood penalty and thought “Great policy! Let’s implement this here!”
Eek says
Whaaaat?!!! That’s ridiculous. I’d push back hard on this, especially if the salary increase is based on a promotion. They should not be penalizing you for taking maternity leave last year! I’m mad/sad for you!
SC says
I’d also push back hard. Your salary should reflect the market value for the position you started in 2019 and should have nothing to do with leave (paid or unpaid) in 2018. This isn’t a retroactive bonus and will likely affect your salary for the rest of your time with this company. Honestly, it’s something I would start looking for a new job over because it’s so insulting.
Anonymous says
No. This is unacceptable and completely illogical (and probably discriminatory unless they also prorated for other non-pregnancy related leaves). Go back to HR on this. Also look for a new job because any leadership dumb enough to think it makes sense to “prorate” a raise — which will have effects for your whole tenure with the company– is going to lead this company into the toilet.
AwayEmily says
The 13mo appears to have dropped his AM daycare nap. He just refuses to sleep there (tho still will take it at home). Reassurance that this will be okay? He does seem to be mostly making up the sleep in his afternoon nap and/or at night, but it means that he’s often awake for ~7 hours between waking up and napping, which seems like so long for a baby! (my first dropped hers at around 17 months)
Anonymous says
It’s fine at 13 months. He may be ready to go down for his afternoon nap as early as 11:30-12 though depending on what time he wakes up. From 1 yr to 18 months my youngest’s naps were generally 12-3pm.
Anon says
He wakes up at 5? A daycare should put kids down for a nap around noon, so 7 hours does seem like a really long stretch unless he wakes crazy early. If his total sleep is similar to what it used to be and he’s not melting down, I wouldn’t worry too much though.
AwayEmily says
He wakes up between 5:30 and 6 (so, yes, pretty early! He goes to bed at 6:30) and the afternoon nap is at 1. The 1pm rather than 12pm nap is one of the few things I really don’t like about this daycare, because both my kids are super early risers. I’m hoping that the time change will help get him on a later to bed/later to rise schedule.
Anon says
I think there’s a good chance it will!
Anonymous says
DD dropped hers at 13-14 months. But she slept like 12hrs at night and 2 in the afternoon.
Anonymous says
Fine. My kids all dropped the AM nap around 1 because they transitioned rooms at daycare. If they were super tired they went back to the baby room for a quick nap but in a few weeks they were fine.
I now have a 9 month old trying to drop the AM nap and then sleeping from 11:30-3 and I’m trying to shut that down hard.
Anonymous says
Mine both did the same at this age and were up from 6:30 until 1:00 on daycare days. It was fine, but we also usually pushed nap closer to noon on weekends.
AwayEmily says
Thanks all. This was exactly the reassurance I needed — we’ll make sure he gets tons of sleep on the weekends and hopefully things will improve even more after the time change.
Anonymous says
Question from a first time mom-to-be to all of you experienced moms out there (especially if you worked in biglaw during pregnancy) – during pregnancy did you have periods of time where you constantly waffled between feeling like “I’m pregnant, not an invalid, please don’t treat me differently, I can still do all of the things.” and “I’m pregnant, and right now pregnancy is kicking my butt, please cut me some slack right now because at the moment I feel (pick one of) exhausted/nauseous/stupid for being forgetful/like I’m going to cry at any moment and I’m not sure why?” I had a relatively easy first and second trimesters, but this third one just started and feels like I’m running into a brick wall (exhausted, unable to focus, and very forgetful). I think the first two trimesters lulled both me and my practice group (all men) that my pregnancy was an easy one and that nothing needed to change (which I’ve appreciated not being treated different and I felt completely fine). I also didn’t really start showing until like the last two weeks, so it was easy to pretend that I was just the same old me. I guess I’m seeking commiseration and also advice – how do you handle needing to be treated differently because something really is different, but also only for those times where you’re actually going through the rough moment? As in, today is horrible, but it might be different on Monday, so if I’m feeling fine on Monday, please treat me normally on Monday?
Anon says
I get where you’re coming from, but if you want to be treated differently, then people are going to treat you differently for the duration of your pregnancy. That’s ok! You’re growing a human. But you can’t ask for special pregnancy treatment one week and then expect everyone to forget you’re pregnant the following week. Also, fwiw, while I had a lot of ups and downs in the first couple trimesters depending on how tired and/or nauseous I was feeling at a particular day/time, things generally just get harder as the third trimester goes on.
Anon says
By the third trimester, I’d give up on not being treated differently. I know it’s hard, but the reality is that you have medical concerns associated with being pregnant and you’re presumably going to be out on leave fairly soon.
Anonymous says
YES. I relate so hard to your comment! The only thing I can say is, ask for what you need. I finally ended up going out on leave early because I was so miserable. I wished I hadn’t tried to tough it out. But obviously I was also sick of people asking me how I felt every 5mins. It is a weird place to me, mentally.
shortperson says
in biglaw, i did an 8 week trial mostly in my third trimester. when i hit around 32 weeks i started being able to focus after 10PM. so — i just left at 10PM every night because i was pregnant. it was fine. just be clear about what you need. i find it’s better to draw stronger boundaries and do higher quality work than to work more than you can handle and have lower quality work.
AnoninBigLaw says
Yes, currently on pregnancy #3 in BigLaw. If you’ve already made it through the first and second trimesters going full steam, that’s impressive. This is actually a great time to start slowing down a little bit. If you need to “blame” it on someone, tell your team that your doctor has told you that as you get closer to your due date, it’s more important for you to sleep/rest/whatever. (The way I phrased this with pregnancy #2 was, “I literally cannot keep sleeping 5-6 hours a night at this point.” Accurate, and they then left it to me to push back when the work would interfere with getting 8 hours of sleep. Your OB will be more than happy to give you a doctor’s note that demands that you rest if it comes to that.) Easier said than done, but you and they should be giving you a little reprieve at this point. If you’re on a busy matter where everyone is swamped, aim to be making 90-100% of “budget” for billables but not being killing it. (So for a 2000-hour/yr firm, a “budget” month would be around 160 hours. Totally fine and respectable if your group is busy and you’re in the third trimester to be around 150 hours, even if others on your team are at 200 hours that month because you need to rest.) — signed, worked way too hard up until both of my first two kids arrived early/unexpectedly, so went straight from >100% hours to L&D to newborn. Don’t be me.
Anonymous says
Thanks! This feeling is weird and new for me, because until literally the past two weeks, I haven’t really felt any different. I haven’t really been wearing maternity clothes (I’m tall, so there’s lots of room to grow up before growing out, bump wise,plus I lost 15 lbs. over May/June and never got around to buying a lot of new clothes after that so I still have clothes that are too big for pre-pregnancy me), I haven’t felt nauseous, and the partners I work for (who admitted to me that each of their wives had incredibly difficult pregnancies) have mentioned how impressed they are that I don’t seem affected by it at all (I guess in relation to their wives?). So, yesterday when I stared at a document that would usually take me 15-20 minutes to review and send back, and I have a partner and another associate calling me asking for a status on my review because it’s been like an hour, then pointing out that it looks like I didn’t review part of it because my word choice is funny and I stopped using a defined term halfway through the doc, plus a human kicking from within (which is new – late kicker over here), well, it is like getting hit by a ton of bricks.
I guess I’m hoping that other people have been like “hey, people I work with, I’m pregnant, I need a moment/hour/afternoon to deal because I literally can’t think I’m so tired”, but that you don’t need the next three months plus all of maternity leave time to work through pregnancy symptoms. There’s a fellow female associate who gets so much special treatment related to each of her pregnancies plus always manages to get about 1.5 months of extra leave, and people are very bitter, so I’m sensitive to asking for special treatment (she has not made any friends with the way she’s handled taking maternity leave).
anon says
Gently, I would take that episode with the doc as a sign that you need to slow down. More sleep, more rest, etc. And if you are saying that this other associate takes advantage of policies or handles things poorly, ok, but please also remember that 1.5 “extra” months of leave is not that much over a person’s career (even if there are multiple pregnancies). Policies in the U.S. around parental leave are brutal, and while I guess biglaw is supposed to be generous, that’s in relation to a pretty abysmal norm. People experience pregnancy & childrearing differently, and I hope that we can move to a norm where folks can get what they need as a matter of course, not as a matter of special treatment.
anon says
I agree with all of this, and the other associate may be dealing with issues that are well beyond the norm. My sister, for example, had hypermesis during all three pregnancies and was hospitalized multiple times and needed to slow down for her own sake and the babies’. Her coworkers were absolutely rotten about it. (Side note: She works in the medical field, which is especially appalling.) If she could’ve worked harder, she would’ve! As it was, she was a barely functional human being during pregnancy.
anon says
I would also take the recent situation as a warning that you need to slow down and rest more. Get a bit more sleep and take your time on things–maybe go back to some old “baby lawyer” habits of double checking what you think is good work.
Anonymous says
I agree with anon @ 3:19. I am also pregnant and in Biglaw and my first trimester has been ROUGH to say the least. My 24-hour morning sickness, bone-deep tiredness, and frequent migraines have made it really difficult for me to keep focused at work and hit my monthly billables. I’m hoping my second trimester is better because otherwise I’m not making my annual target. I don’t think it’s special treatment for my practice group to acknowledge that I’m in a constant state of sickness in creating a whole human. I definitely need to be given some slack because I just can’t physically work like I did pre-pregnancy. However, there is only one woman partner in my group who has young children, and she was a workhorse during her pregnancies, so I’m constantly worried people will compare us. But I would rather protect my health than push myself to the point of total exhaustion. We have to stop making pregnant women feel bad about need some accommodation or acknowledgment of their pregnancy or we will end up forcing more women to leave law firms before they even try to get pregnant.
Socks says
As I was getting dressed this morning, I couldn’t find matching socks and for about 30 seconds I truly considered wearing completely non-matching ones (yes, to the office) in the hopes that no one would notice.
Yes, that’s pretty much where I am this week folks. Standards are low. Anyone with me?
Anonymous says
In your shoes, I’d have considered and then actually worn no socks. It was 2 degrees this AM but IDGAF. Z
GCA says
I gave up on hot coffee this morning and went straight for iced.
Combination of converging project deadlines + teething/ gassy baby (too much solids, too fast – oops) = 3 hours of sleep total last night. (Everyone else got more sleep, mercifully, including the baby and the preschooler who hates sleep.)
Anon for this says
Has anyone pumped at the Capital Hilton in DC during a conference or event? Can you tell me what the accommodations were like? I have reached out to the hotel and the event organizers and been given vague assurances that “something” will be available for me, which makes me highly suspicious that I will end up in a server closet (which has happened before).
Anonymous says
If you don’t like what they offer, ask for a pass to the health center/locker room. That’s usually a great place to pump in any decent hotel.
Often I’m given a bathroom (but a totally acceptable one- usually has a couch). In some confrences they just give me an empty confrence room. I’ve had hotels just give me a room, too.
Anon says
The last several conferences I’ve been to all had rooms set up for pumping, so I’d be surprised if they don’t.
Anon for this says
Thanks! My last time pumping at an outside event was 4 years ago, and it was a nightmare of staff who literally had no idea what pumping even was. It sounds like things have improved!
Anon says
My four year old has been throwing daily tantrums this week. We have a new baby coming in five weeks, but we haven’t increased talking about it although I have been perhaps carrying her less? First, has anyone else had frequent tantrums with a four year old? It seems like she should be able to calm herself down at this age and she still can’t. I know some tantrums are normal, but daily feels like a lot. And second, think we can attribute this to new baby coming, or am I just looking for excuses for her?
Anonymous says
Daily tantrums from a 4 year old is completely notmL
Mama Llama says
+1
OP says
Thank you for this! (I’m assuming that was “normal”) My husband is always worried about her, and I’m not really sure what we should do except wait it out. We have a lot of change coming up…
Anonymous says
Not OP but thank you. My 4 year old is having daily tantrums and it is AN ISSUE at preschool, so it is really nice to hear about other kids’ tantrums.
Anonymous says
+1 totally normal. My 4 year old throws a tantrum every night at bedtime. It’s super fun.
Anon says
Totally totally normal.
Anonymous says
+1
Try to get in more snuggles on the couch if you can. I started snuggle on the couch iwth kid sitting next to me, not on top of me and reading a book before baby #2 arrived, so I could keep up this routine by reading while I was nursing.
Anonymous says
How’s she feeling? Is she working on fighting off something? It’s prime cold/flu/all the other crap time in my neck of the woods. Kiddo has been working on getting over a cold for like 2.5 weeks, and her mood is awful. Thank goodness for an upcoming weekend with more rest.
Anonymous says
+1. Another possibility is a growth spurt.
CPA Lady says
What end of four? The first half of four was basically exactly like 3 tantrum wise, and I was kind of mad that everyone told me that 4 was going to be amazing. Then we hit the second half of 4 and it’s like a switch flipped and kiddo, while still having tantrums every couple of days, is starting to be able to calm herself down some of the time in situations that would have previously ended with a full on meltdown. It’s amazing and surprising. So it’s possible that fewer tantrums are just around the corner. (Yes, I’m going to knock on wood, this whole fewer tantrums thing could be a fluke).
OP says
Front end of four. And I totally agree – I was told four would be great! So far it’s more of three! And she was a tough three!
Thanks all, this is very reassuring. She’s very attached to me (total mammas girl since 18 months), and I know I’m going to have a c section and won’t be able to carry her as much for a bit and I am nervous! These tantrums have made us more so! This board is the best.
shortperson says
maybe she’s worried about you. my daughter was very worried about me and my upcoming c section and the fact they were going to “cut” me. we talked through the procedure many many times and how we’d watch a lot of movies together in bed after the baby came, which gave her mama time to look forward to.
Anonymous says
Four was a really moody time in our house. I’d prescribe more sleep, some 1:1 time both doing stuff that’s just for kiddo (get ice cream, get manicures, go to the park, ddo art, host playdates, whatever she likes) and also some new baby prep that involves her. My oldest was 2.9 when my second was born and almost 4.5 when my third came. She was SO INTO baby prep. She made art for the baby, wanted to by all new baby clothes, helped sort old baby clothes, wanted to name the baby and kept trying to lobby for her ideas, etc.
But she also had explosive tears and sadness. We ramped up the sleep and even got her taking a short nap every once in a while when it was really bad (I bribed her).
OP says
Good call. We may have a weekend getting baby clothes ready. She loves clothes, so I think that would be fun for her!
Pregnant and interviewing says
Hi wise ladies – I’m interviewing at 34 weeks next week, and as I’m preparing notes and practicing, I’m feeling much less sharp and lucid than I have for such things in the past. I have that dreaded pregnancy fog that I know not all women get — but for those who have, any tips on getting sharper? Do I avoid sugar/drink a lot more water? My brain just feels blunted, somehow. Thanks a ton in advance.
Anonymous says
Sleep, but that’s hard in the third trimester. And I never found anything to make it better, it was just pregnancy brain. There’s only so much you can fight biology. Your brain is literally rebuilding itself to take care of another human being, so some other information isn’t as critical right now. I know that’s not what you want to hear!
Anonymous says
No it actually is, very affirming. :) Thank you!
AwayEmily says
I did a bunch of interviewing while pregnant and even though I felt much like you while prepping, when the time came I felt completely normal, and honestly even BETTER than normal — being so pregnant gave me an unexpected but very welcome extra shot of confidence, like “I’m carrying a HUMAN BEING in here, so hell yes I can answer your questions.” So you may surprise yourself during the interview itself!
OP says
Ok, I love that! That’s super encouraging, thank you!
CPA Lady says
Question that may make me sound like a monster that I know the answer to but it’s not the one I want.
My kid (4.5 yo) is in ballet. She wanted to quit ballet and soccer in December. When it came time to sign her up for these activities she changed her mind on ballet and stuck to wanting to quit soccer. So I signed her up for another three month session of ballet at her request and let her quit soccer. At the end of this three month session of ballet is the annual recital. She is saying she doesn’t want to do the recital because she’s scared. I want her to do the recital because I selfishly want to see her do a dance and be cute on stage.
Do I need to let her not do the recital?
Mom of four year old says
Can you sort of bribe her? I have a shy 4 year old who’s been having lots of up and downs (I’m the poster above) but she has a ballet recital coming up that she’s excited about because she knows dancers get flowers at the end and she’s never gotten flowers. We’ll see if that gets her through it, but she’s very excited about the idea. Not as much about the dancing!
SC says
I’m not sure what the correct answer is. I’d probably ask my kid some questions about what was scary, then talk to the teacher. Your daughter can’t be the first 4 year old to have stage fright.
Also, a friend of mine has a 5 year old whose kindergarten class had a school play. Friend went to go see her daughter in the play, and the daughter got through half a line (said by the whole class) and ran offstage in tears. So, even if you make or convince your daughter do the recital, you may not get your wish of seeing her do a dance and be cute on stage.
Anon says
I would let her skip it but I had a bit of stage mother and have residual childhood trauma from being forced to do stuff like this when I didn’t want to. (My mom and I have a pretty good relationship now and I don’t hate her or anything, but I would make different choices for my kid.)
2:16 Anon Below says
Interesting. I had an opposite experience. My parents never pushed me to do anything, and I honestly wished they’d had. It would have been for my own good.
shortperson says
we were in the same boat so i let her stay out. i couldnt justify it being for her benefit and i read too much janet lansbury to make her do it. and then she signed back up for ballet (but is skipping recital again)
avocado says
I would tell her that the recital is part of the class, which she requested to do, so she has to try it just this once. If she doesn’t like it, she doesn’t have to sign up for ballet again next term.
Bribery may help–promise to celebrate after the performance with ice cream, flowers, or whatever else you think is appropriate and enticing. After every sports competition, no matter the result, my kid gets to celebrate with a meal and/or treat, with friends whenever possible.
And really talk up the fun of the costume, real ballerina hair bun, etc. There are a number of nonfiction books about young dancers that include “getting ready to perform” sections. Becoming a Ballerina is one, and there is a more recent picture book about the Nutcracker kids in some professional production. At that age my daughter also enjoyed “Put Your Best Foot Forward: A Young Dancer’s Guide to Life,” which consists mainly of upbeat affirmations about ballet and life in general, illustrated with photos of young dancers.
You can also explain that being excited and being scared sometimes feel very similar, and that being excited is good because it will help her have fun and do her best.
Anon says
I don’t agree with this. I don’t think committing to a few months of classes means committing to a recital, unless it was made very clear to her when she signed up for the class that she was required to participate in the recital. Especially because she’s already expressed the desire to quit ballet and there’s some chance she agreed to the extra session of classes in large part to please her parents. (I’m not trying to imply that her parents pressured her, but kids, especially kids at the more gifted end of the spectrum, tend to pick up on what their parents want, and say they want to do XYZ to try to please their parents.)
Anonymous says
I’d probably make her do it. I’ve been kind of intense about making kiddo do things that are scary when I know she will be fine. She has to confront these fears sometime, and I figure younger is better. My example is swim lessons. I signed my child (3) up for them and she was pretty scared that they were just with a teacher and no parent. The first two lessons were really rough. Then something switched, and they’re her favorite now. She has them once a week but asks every day if it is swim lesson day. And she is so proud of herself.
anon says
Someone posted in a different board today about a kid’s anxiety and someone posted this great link to an article called 49 Phrases to Calm an Anxious Child. My kid is too young for this but maybe it would be helpful for your daughter.
Anonymous says
Presumably there is a dress rehearsal of some type? My kid’s ballet school always has both a technical/staging rehearsal as well as a dress rehearsal. If she has those, I would tell her that she has to try the stage by attending the rehearsals, and if she stills feels scared afterwards, that she doesn’t have to do the performance. I bet once she tries out the stage it won’t seem so scary.
DLC says
I agree with this- I would tell her she has to go to all the rehearsals at least.
Also- have you talked to her teacher? She might be able to help your daughter get excited about the recital. Also it’s good to ask what kind of impact it would make if your daughter doesn’t perform; A lot of times there are spacing and choreography adjustments that have to be made if one person is missing. Depending on what motivates your daughter, you might be able to tell her that the rest of the class is depending on her to be there.
Anonymous says
This. My 5 y/o has done 2 preschool recitals and this is her last. If your kid isn’t going to do it, tell the teacher now because it will impact the practice. My kid’s first year they all had a partner and the one kid that was iffy on the recital partnered with the traacher so if(when) she bailed on the recital she didn’t throw off the other kid.
anon says
Age 4.5 is young for a recital, and I honestly wouldn’t push it. She has many years to participate!
Anon says
Just had an OB visit where my doc did a quick check – not a cervical check or pelvic exam, but just checked on some swelling. But she didn’t wear gloves or wash her hands. And I know (because I can hear into the hallway) that she goes from one patient’s room to another. I LOVE my doctor – seriously, she delivered my first child and I am so hoping that she can deliver this one. But I’m really weirded out by this. I realize there’s nothing I can do now, but… next time I should say something?
Anon says
My doctor often washes her hands immediately after doing my exam so I think there’s a good chance she had washed her hands after the last patient before you and just before entering your exam room. Some medical offices also have hand sanitizer in the hallways. I would not say anything, especially if she just touched the outside of your body.
Anon says
Thanks – she was touching my vagina, just not a full-on pelvic or cervical exam. The sinks are in the exam room in this office, so I guess that’s what weirded me out.
Lana Del Raygun says
Doctors wear gloves to protect themselves from your blood, etc, so if she wasn’t touching a mucuous membrane or whatever there’s no need. I agree she’s probably washing her hands or used hand sanitizer between patients, just out of the room.
Anonanonanon says
Honestly, this would bug me a lot. However, I work in Public Health AND I’m immunocompromised, so there’s that. Also, my practice has signs up that encourage you to ask your practitioner if they washed their hands if you didn’t see it yourself, so they’re good about doing it in front of you.
Anonymous says
I would want to see hand cleansing (sanitizer or washing) in front of me. She may have done it in the other room but she would have to touch at least two doorknobs to enter your exam room.
Anonymous says
But it’s an OB/GYN office. They don’t specialize in seeing patients with diseases that can be communicated by touching a doorknob, and the doctor isn’t sticking her hands in your mouth or your food. I’m the one who was grossed out by my nanny’s not washing her hands before fixing our baby’s meals, and most people told me I was overreacting. But this honestly wouldn’t bother me at all. The doctors and nurses I know are so vigilant about hand-washing that I assume they have cleaner hands than 99% of the people I encounter on a daily basis (including my husband and co-workers).
anon says
Plus one to pretty much all of the above responses. My guess is that she washed her hands after a previous exam, but she should still wash them (or sanitize, but washing is better) again before touching you. I don’t think gloves are necessary and also think that they are typically to protect the care provider not the patient (though I could be wrong on that).
Experience with inguinal hernia in child? says
Has anyone had a child diagnosed with an inguinal hernia. My daughter is 6 and we saw our pediatrician and now have a consult with a surgeon on Monday. Of course, we have a million questions in the meantime. If you have any experience with this, do you know if it requires surgery immediately? If so, how long can you wait and if not, how is the recovery for kids? Thanks so much!