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As I’ve mentioned before, I love all things pumpkin spice. So I couldn’t resist sharing this darling swaddle-and-hat set for a future PSL aficionado.
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Little Sleepies’ Pumpkin Spice Swaddle & Hat Set is $36.
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Anone says
my 4 year old has a may 31st birthday, he was due June 4th. our state has a September 1st cutoff and I’m not sure whether I should hold him back or send him. academically, I worry he might be bored and get in trouble but I also think he has ADD which has been manageable at home and in prek so far, but im not sure if hell get in trouble more next year in a larger public school envt. Is it ever weird in the later years to be a full year older than some if your peers? I wish my kids had fall birthdays so this would be a non issue!
Anon says
In my area, 3 months is not seen as that close to the cutoff and the majority of kids born more than 3 months before the cutoff go on time. I would be very hesitant to redshirt a kid that much unless a teacher strongly suggests it, and even then I’d probably try to seek out second and third opinions. If your kid is academically ready, you’re setting yourself up for a lot of problems with boredom down the road. I wouldn’t minimize that concern.
Anon says
+1 we’re August 1, and I don’t know any redshirted April birthdays, and only one redshirted May birthday. It’s way more common with kids that miss the cutoff by days or weeks.
Anon says
+1, and I say this as someone who redshirted both of my kids (one due to a speech delay that didn’t resolve until we got his hearing under control, and it wasn’t even a close call to hold him – the pediatrician, elementary guidance counselor, pre-K teachers all agreed he should have an extra full year of intensive speech therapy or he was really going to struggle to communicate in K), and the other due to a very, very specific medical issue that we needed to resolve (working on finding the correct medication to treat a chronic condition and the medications had lots of side effects — we didn’t want him to be missing a ton of K as we cycled through medications to find the right dosage). Kid with a speech delay was born in Sept., and kid with medical issue was born in July.
The kid born in July really “felt” being red-shirted during early elementary — he knew he was the oldest kid in his grade, except for one other girl in the entire grade (small school, but still) who is like three weeks older than him. At some point in middle school, he stopped being aware of it (I think when they moved away from big class parties), and on balance, it was still the right call because he started K with much of the issue resolved. Kid with the Sept. birthday was largely oblivious to it, and he was one of many Sept. red-shirted kids in his grade.
That said, I definitely wouldn’t have red-shirted a spring birthday without a lot of input from a doctor or teacher or more than just a fuzzy feeling that he’s not ready. It’s a pretty big decision that we didn’t take lightly in either case, with implications whether you hold or send. I will say that I saw a lot of kids with late spring birthdays at our bus stop in K and 1st who still felt really “young” to me at the time, but all of whom have thrived and seem to be doing great in later elementary school.
Anonymous says
On balance, I have a daughter with a 9/13 bday in a district with a 9/1 cutoff. I thought she’d be the oldest but it wasn’t even close. There were a ton of summer bday boys that were redshirted, TWO sets of boys-girl twins where they parents redshirted both, and a big handful of early fall birthdays.
Anon says
Yeah, I wouldn’t expect a kid born two weeks after the cutoff to be the oldest, but OP’s kid is born in May with a Sept cutoff. Even if there are some redshirted summer birthdays, he’s likely to be one of the very oldest, if not THE oldest. Which is ok, if there’s a good reason for it, but there’s not here.
Anon says
I’m not sure if you are responding to my comment, but I don’t think we necessarily disagree. For both of my kids, there were lots of kids in their grades with fall and late-summer (August) birthdays who were red-shirted. So, my Sept. kid never really even realized he was red-shirted. My July kid and the June kid in his grade were outside the norm (and both were very aware of their age vis a vis the other kids – they ended up being good friends), and that’s probably partly because our cut-off is Oct. 1, so summer birthdays are even farther away from our cut-off. But in either case, a May birthday (which OP’s kid has) would absolutely be an outlier, even with a ton of summer and early fall red-shirted kids in the class.
Anon says
+1 to 10:38. In our district, there are a lot of early fall birthdays who just missed the cutoff and quite a few late summer birthdays who were held back, but a kid who turned 6 in May would absolutely stand out, and likely be the oldest by a couple months. And after being warned for years about how rampant redshirting is, I’ve actually been surprised by how little of it I’m seeing? My current K-er has two August 2018 birthdays in her class (one boy, one girl), and we have friends who sent their boy born August 15.
Anonymous says
I would send him. With a birthday that long before the cutoff, if he is having trouble with school he needs services and not redshirting. Also, with ADHD holding them back can worsen behavior problems because they are bored. And there will be more social issues if he is a year older than the rest of the kids AND has the ADHD behavior issues on top of that.
GCA says
Agree, I am no expert but suspect nothing good can come of a boredom + ADHD combo. (In fact, many ADHD kids and adults I’ve known have tremendous focus…when their brain is really engaged with something. It’s like a little bit of a superpower.)
anon says
Can confirm as a parent of a kid with ADHD that boredom + ADHD is a baaaad combination.
One of the hardest things about parenting a kiddo with ADHD is that their executive functioning skills and overall intelligence can be miles apart. I’d say my 13-year-old is more like an 11-year-old socially. Yet he’s in all the advanced academic classes his school offers. This is not unusual. Not every kid with ADHD has academic problems, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t struggling with executive functioning and reading social cues. That’s going to be a challenge no matter when they start school, unfortunately.
Anonymous says
+1 my ADHD kids are ahead academically. When they’re not stimulated by the learning going on in class, they make their own stimulation and no one likes how that turns out. Fortunately, we’ve had teachers that have recognized this and given them some enrichment. Like others have said, it really comes down to how well the school and teacher are prepared to serve ADHD kids. The extra year of executive function development is not going to make an appreciable difference, and certainly not enough to counteract the potential boredom if the child then finds the material too easy.
anon says
I would not hold him back unless there are clear recommendations he would benefit from that. Not sure the relevance of May 31 vs June 4; it’s not like he was premature.
ANON says
I also have a 4 year old born on May 31st who was due June 4th! I will be sending him this fall – we also have a Sept. 1 cutoff. He will be very prepared academically from his pre-K program. I do think he might have more behavioral issues than his older brother but this is consistent with the past two years in pre-school and is just part of his personality, I think. If you suspect ADD, I think that putting him in school now could help it get diagnosed and treated earlier vs. if you waited.
Anonymous says
If he’s not getting in trouble at school and teachers aren’t recommending holding him back, I wouldn’t even consider it.
Anonymous says
I’m sorry why are you telling us he was born five days early? Are you somehow thinking that matters at all because it does not. I wouldn’t hold him back May isn’t even close to the cut off.
TheElms says
Another late-May birthday here with a September 1 cutoff. I feel this decision; others are dismissing it, but I get it. My daughter is the 3rd youngest in her PreK year and academically she is ahead, socially and emotionally she is behind. The age spread is a huge issue. There are half a dozen kids who turned 5 before school started/the week school started ( some redshirted, some birthdays in the first week of September). We are already addressing it through OT and possibly will add other things as the year progresses, but I’m not sure she will be ready for kindergarten socially next year, but academically she’d definitely be bored staying behind.
Anon says
The maturity change between 4.5 and 5 is huge, or at least it was for us. At this time last year I had serious concerns about my then 4.75 year old being ready for K, but there was no way we could redshirt a February birthday (even with an Aug 1 cutoff) so we just did our best to put it out of our minds and hoped she got ready in time. She felt so much more ready by the spring, after turning 5.
GCA says
The 4 to 5 social/ emotional jump felt big for us as well. I have a girl with an August birthday and September cutoff; by late spring of pre-K she was thriving socially and teachers said she was totally ready for K.
Anon says
This is good to hear. My daughter with an August birthday just started full day preschool (well, 9-4) this year. She has had insane restraint collapse every. single. day. since starting in August. She is laughing and running with her friends in the hallway, all the way out to the car, then the moment she gets in her seat and we start driving, she starts wailing and hysterically crying. Handing her a snack immediately helps, but she’s still just toast by the time we get home. I’ve been a little stressed about how she’ll be able to hack K — as this is a play based preschool where the kids are mostly just running around having fun.
Anon says
Sounds totally normal to me if she just started a full day program. I’m sure things will be better next year. It varies based on where you live, but K is still pretty play-based in my area. They’re not doing playing with actual toys the way they did in daycare, but there is a lot of outdoor time, rest time and being read aloud to time, so they get plenty of breaks from mentally concentrating.
Anon says
i also have a May 31 birthday! It’s a great day to be born! Where do you live? Please don’t be one of those people who shares their due date as part of this conversation because it sounds ridiculous. DH also has a May birthday as do my kids. DH started K in an area with a December 31 cut off, but for me there was a Sept 1 cut off. I realize I’m a girl and he’s a boy, but we both have two ivy league degrees and did fine and it never occurred to our parents to hold either of us back. On the other hand, we both have sisters with fall bdays who started K at age 4 and both sets of parents kind of wish they’d held them back. I think there is a HUGE geographical component to this. We currently live in Houston, but grew up in the north east. In Houston people seem to start redshirting boys with March/April bdays (I think it’s insane, but what do I know), but where DH and I grew up that would be seen as strange.
Anonymous says
I would suspect that’s because the Houstonians want their boys to play football, and bigger = better….
Anonymous says
My four year old boy also had a due date of June 4, and was born early on May 22! I’m in Charlotte, our cutoff is August 31. We’re looking at all sorts of options for kindergarten next year, and had a 1-1 meeting last week at one of the private schools that also has a pre-k program. The admissions person basically said that for boys only who are entering their kindergarten, they don’t see boys at their school in the K classes who have birthdays after March. So, per this school’s “usual” that would mean we’d hold our son back a year and he’d start K at 6.
I’m clearly biased and don’t spend a huge of time with other kids so have no idea what they’re like, but my son (based on reports from his teachers and our conferences with his teachers), he’s on track developmentally. He’s also really tall for his age. We’re doing the WIPPSI-IV testing (require for private schools here), so we’ll get an objective idea of where he is, but DH and I are definitely not jumping at a chance to hold him back. I have a late April birthday and never felt like I was behind or really young for my grade.
OP says
Thank you, this is all SUPER helpful. The board here as usual has more varied perspectives than my town in Texas. People automatically hold back if its a June, July, August birthday, so I know it’s very silly to say he was a few days early, but that’s where I’m torn. Agree though that the due date is irrelevant. It’s helpful to hear that holding him back wouldnt help with the ADD if he’s bored being the oldest.
I’m honestly inclined to send him and just wanted to know I’m not crazy. I see his maturity growing daily, he’s academically very on track, he’s like 90% on height and 70% on weight for his age, so he certainly doesn’t look small. He will likely be just fine, but he is my second and not as mature as my daughter who also has a end of May birthday. I just hear people tell me ALL the time here in my town “you never regret holding the kids back, but you do regret sending them”. I have also read though that the differences between the fall and spring/summer birthdays is most pronounced until about 3rd grade and then it evens out, though the disparity is always there.
Anon says
Re: “you never regret holding the kids back, but you do regret sending them,” a preschool teacher told my parents that (I was early May with August 1 cutoff, so similar spacing to your child) and my mom always says she meant to contact the teacher and tell her they would have 100% regretted holding me back. I was academically advanced and holding me back would have caused tons of issues, and likely resulted in me having to skip a grade at some point, which likely would have been a lot harder socially than just being on the young side of my class.
Anon says
I have a comment in m-d but a teacher said that thing about regret to my parents and they still (30 years later!) talk about how wrong that characterization is. You can regret or not regret it either way.
Anonymous says
Yes, and at least in K it’s easier to fix regret over sending them on time (repeat K) than it is to fix regret over holding them back, since schools do not allow grade-skipping the way they did when we were all kids.
Anon says
Having an older sibling likely makes him more mature than a lot of other kids. I’d be more supportive of holding a first or an only.
Anon says
FWIW, my birthday is late April and I consistently scored in the 99.9% on testing. I had no issues making friends or behaving in class either. Obviously I’m a woman and not a man, but just reinforcing that this decision feels so so so dependent on the kid. My sister on the other hand was a mid-September birthday, and my parents didn’t hold her bc I had done so well. They should have held her back and they still regret it to this day – she is almost 30 and still living at home. Obviously this was not “caused” by starting her too young but I think it would have helped her to have started school when she was more mature.
Anonymous says
He had a May birthday.
Anon says
i’m above with a May 31 Birthday also in Texas. I will say it depends if you are doing public or private schools. I am in Houston and I think some of this redshirting madness is because many of the most elite private schools have a June 1 cutoff for K. I have two daughters in K with May birthdays, for one of them the class directory includes bdays with year. If anecdata helps, I counted 5 boys with birthdays between May 22 – August 5. There is one boy with an Aug 28 bday who appears to have been held back. There are also 4 girls with bdays between May 1 – August 1. That being said, if I had one boy with a May 31 bday I would’ve really really struggled with this, so I don’t think you are crazy for thinking about it.
Anon says
I’m here to say you’re not crazy. I am in the southeast with two boys with July birthdays. I sent them ahead. Both are the absolute youngest in their class. I have days where I regret it but overall I am glad I sent them – they are academically fine, and overall even more mature than some of the kids who are a full year older than them. They can see this and like to be the smartest/best while the youngest. Since you’re in TX, I’ll point this out – some of the more competitive prep high schools are very open to redshirting at 7th grade or 8th grade (their entrance years) – so if that’s in the cards for you, it’s something to consider. People advised me to keep high school in mind for redshirting, as in – would you want your kid to be a brand new 14 starting high school? But knowing that if we reach the competitive prep environment, we could decide at that point has been a comfort to me. Also, knowing they could do a gap year between high school and college has been good to consider.
Anonymous says
A brand-new 14-year-old is supposed to be starting high school. What would it be like to be a 15-year-old stuck in middle school?
Anonymous says
and 19 for your senior year????
Anon says
I’m the anon from above (two July birthday kids in an area with an Aug 15 cutoff) and the redshirting in my area is insanely out of control. I just saw a “Happy 8th birthday” instagram post for a first grader today. Today!! In OCTOBER! My son just turned 5 and is in the grade below that child. It’s completely, completely ridiculous. Send your kid when they are supposed to go to school!
Anonymous says
OMG, that kid must have been held back two years! How is that even allowed? I like the NY system. December cutoff and no redshirting allowed.
Anon says
First graders normally turn 7 during the year, so turning 8 in first grade is being held back one year, not two…
Anonymous says
You should send him. I’m also in Texas and the sports noise is maddening. I thought about holding my oldest back but didn’t and I absolutely think I did the right thing and I think I WOULD regret having held him back. Girls mature faster than boys. He will be ready.
Anonymous says
High school sports are less prestigious and less connected to college recruiting than club sports except for football and maybe basketball, and club sports are based on age and not grade, so I don’t know where the sports argument is coming from anyway.
Anon says
I dunno, my boss’s kids do travel baseball but it seems like the school grade-based baseball teams are still really important for college recruiting. Anyway, football is huge in Texas so even if it’s “only” that, it would still be a lot of people concerned about it.
Cerulean says
I think a lot of it is rooted in old school assumptions that boys need to be bigger and taller, whether for sports or otherwise.
HSAL says
Send your kid. I sent my twins this year and they were 6 weeks before the cutoff. We got the boy twin’s ADHD diagnosis last month. Last year one of their teachers recommended keeping him back, the other said he was fine. We’ve had a few struggles but I’m so glad we sent him because if we waited a year he’d have been even bigger than the rest of the kids (they’re super tall even with being among the youngest in their class), he’d most definitely be bored, and the school has a ton of services to help with the ADHD and behavioral issues.
Anon says
Yes, I think the school services (and general attitude towards special needs) are important considerations. My spirited/high-energy/possibly ADHD kid (girl) had a lot of struggles with behavior in pre-K, and there was a period where we got notes home near daily. She’s a winter birthday, so no one suggested holding her back, but I’m sure if she’d been a late spring or summer birthday it would have been suggested. But Kindergarten has been so smooth, and we know from what we’re seeing at home that her hasn’t behavior hasn’t changed dramatically. The school just seems much better equipped to handle it.
Anon says
I don’t think that I would redshirt a late May birthday for a kid that’s on track. If you redshirt, your son will turn 19 during senior year. That creates real risk he’ll feel like he’s outgrown high school before he finishes. My brother was redshirted with a June birthday because of speech and OT issues and he really struggled at the end of high school. He was so over needing a pass to use the bathroom, having his homework checked, etc.
In our area very, very few June birthdays are redshirted, a few July birthdays and some August and September birthdays (with a Sept 30 cutoff). My daughter has a September birthday and went on time. She’s always been the youngest in her class. Sometimes it shows socially that she’s young for her grade, but she’s ahead academically. She’d be super bored if she’d been redshirted.
Anonymous says
High school is something I don’t think most people consider when making the redshirting decision. High school is such a restrictive environment that it would be really difficult to be a 16-year-old freshman or a 19-year-old senior. I went to college at 17 and was SO ready to be out on my own. I can’t imagine having to wait two more years.
TheElms says
I think it depends where you are/what your school calendar is. Our school year is over by June 14 at the latest, so if we held my child back, she would be 19 for 2.5 weeks of senior year. It doesn’t seem that big of a deal to me versus potentially struggling for several years before getting to high school and getting a reputation as a bad kid / or learning to associate school with negative feelings.
Anon says
I’m not a big red-shirting advocate generally but I also don’t get the pearl-clutching about 19 year olds in high school, which I’ve seen on a bunch of threads about this. My district has an August 1 cutoff, so plenty of non-redshirted kids turn 19 the summer after senior year. Is being 18 and 10 months at graduation really that different than being 19 and 1 month? To me, no…
Anonymous says
They shouldn’t be 18 and 10 months at graduation either. They shouldn’t turn 18 until at least halfway through their senior year. When I was growing up the cutoff was December and redshirting wasn’t a thing, so 1/3 of the kids turned 17 during senior year and the very oldest were 18 1/2 at graduation, and everyone felt kind of sorry for them because they were so old.
Anon says
It’s probably a mental block, but kids who are 18 at the end of junior year can absolutely feel done with high school and like they’re too old to go back for another year. It’s a documented thing (there are studies) and I lived it with my own brother. With a Sept 1 cutoff, everyone should be starting senior year at 17, to turn 18, unless they are redshirted.
Anon says
But what matters is where you are relative to others – being 18 and 10 months is odd if the next oldest kid is 18 years and 6 months, but if others are around the same age it’s fine, and wherever you draw the line the oldest is going to be at least 12 months older than the youngest.
I grew up with an August 1 cutoff and there was nothing weird to me about some kids turning 19 before leaving for college. No one “felt sorry for them because they were old” (lol). If anything, people are normally jealous of older kids who get privileges earlier! I was a late May birthday and it was a bummer to be the last one to drive and the last one to be able to get into an R-rated movie. (Not such a big deal that I think my parents should have held me back, to be clear, but no one is pitying the older kids.)
I suppose everyone is most comfortable with what’s familiar to them, but any cutoff after Sept 1 seems horrible to me. Starting kindergarten at 4.5 seems painfully young. Kids that age need to be running around outdoors and playing pretend, not sitting at a desk doing worksheets. And going to college at 17 feels super young to me too. I met some 17 year olds in college and they mostly were significantly less emotionally ready for college than the 18 year olds. I said I’m not a red-shirting advocate in general, but one big exception to that would be if we lived in an area with December cutoffs and had a fall birthday kid. I would not have wanted my kid starting K before 5, and I think many other people feel the same way because there’s been a big national push to move cutoffs up to align with the start of the school year.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Anon 3:06 – I agree that when the cutoff is matters – but with a Sept. 1 cutoff, we should be respecting that absent a documented issue, and generally for kids close to the cusp (not spring kids IMO). There’s a difference between turning 19 right before starting college because you’re summer, and turning 19 while in hs.
Anon says
Yes I agree BLE! I would not redshirt a May birthday with a 9/1 cutoff absent a serious issue and a strong teacher or ped rec. But I don’t think there’s anything wrong with kids turning 19 before leaving home, and (given that kids can’t all be 18 on the dot when they leave home), having some kids be 19 before college seems preferable to having some kids starting college at 17. And I generally feel like I skew pretty free range and give my kids more independence than other parents. I just don’t feel like we need to rush childhood, and the people I know who went to college at almost 19 or just turned 19 suffered a lot less than the people who went at 17 and weren’t really ready.
Anonymous says
You should talk to his pre-K teachers closer to the end of the year, but barring any serious issues, you should send him to K as appropriate to his birthday. That kind of red-shirting is wild, to me. My son’s birthday is 9 days before the cutoff and he started K on time. He is probably the youngest in his 2nd grade class; he turned 7 at the end of the summer and has gone to a few classmates’ 8th birthday parties already. And as the mom of two ADD kids, redshirting is not the answer to that.
Anonymous says
I’ll also add that there’s nothing wrong with registering your kid for kindergarten and then subsequently deciding to delay a year based on end-of-year pre-K teacher feedback. It’s not an irreversible decision. If you have an extremely intensive private school application process, I can see wanting to be clear on your decision before going down that path, but for a public school is is no big deal. We ended up un-enrolling a kid from public school K because it was 2020 and we opted for private school when it became clear that public schools would be virtual. It literally just took a single email to the school secretary.
anon says
Nope, redshirting is definitely not going to solve the challenges of ADHD.
Mary Moo Cow says
Do you have to make the decision now? In my district, Kindergarten registration is in March/April. I have May and August babies who are among the youngest in the class, but by decision time, they were clearly ready (emotionally/socially and academically) for Kindergarten with their peers. It’s worked out well; some kids are older but my youngest is in a cohort with at least 7 summer birthdays.
Anon says
+1 there will be a lot of change between now and March – don’t make the decision prematurely.
Anonymous says
Can you talk to his teacher? In our area, with a Sept 1 cut off, holding back a kid with a May birthday is unheard of unless there are really major issues. There are some July birthday kids in my third grader’s class who are a year older but nothing before that.
Anon says
My daughter has a close friend and former daycare classmate who was born mid-May and held back to start K the year after he turned 6. We have an earlier cutoff than you (August 1) but even so, he’s the oldest in their entire grade, I believe. They had him do camp the summer before K (since he was already 6, he was eligible) and I know they were really happy with that decision, so that’s something to keep in mind if you decide to hold your child back.
Anon says
Hi – Also in TX, but maybe in an area that’s not AS driven by sports (I know one district over it’s ALL SPORTS ALL THE TIME, as it was where I grew up, which is like two districts over).
Kids are boys in Nov and Dec. No redshirting here so far (haha). Last year, my now public-K kid did private K, and it was mostly boys with birthdays January-May. They all went to 1st this year, parents just wanted another transition year.
Anonymous says
i view may birthdays as more like you CAN hold if you really need to but the default is to go. i sent my 5/27 baby (did not hold) though, and i’m still not sure if i regret it. thinking at the time was that he was autistic and hyperlexic, so the social delays might never catch up but he’d be bored to death because of the academic piece. now he’s in a special school for ND kids and many of his classmates are 1.5-2 years older than him (because everyone held their kids) so the gap seems extra apparent.
i have no regrets academically about sending my Aug birthday boy early, but now he’s 12 and being the youngest is a bit awkward since some kids are so much farther into puberty than he is. but he’s a physically large kid – tall, broad shoulders – and would have looked like he ate the kindergarten class if we’d held him for a year.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Chiming in to echo others in that, absent a very clear reason to hold him back, you should send him on time. I’m generally anti this increased trend to redshirt (had a whole thread on this here and in my town’s fb group!) Our town doesn’t seem to be as bad as the south, luckily, and I hear about redshirting mostly for August and July, but anecdotally, the most mature kids (relatively, for 7 year old boys) of my kid’s friends that I know are on time July and August kids. A lot of the fall kids are just as rowdy as my spring boy. Very kid dependent.
Anon says
I sent my kid on time who was very young for her grade (September birthday, started K as a 4 yo) and my one wish is that I’d found her a kindergarten program that had more play time and less seat time. She wasn’t emotionally ready for an academic K environment, as exists at our public elementary. She really didn’t need to focus on academic skills–she was already ahead of grade level in reading and math, but she did need to practice social skills. I should have looked for an expeditionary or outdoor program for her. It would have been so much better for her.
Anonymous says
I don’t think the current “academic” kindergarten model serves any child well. Kids who are already reading and writing are bored, and kids who don’t enter K reading and writing are not going to learn from endless worksheets. The behavior management systems are stressful for compliant kids and don’t work for the misbehaving kids. Kindergarten should consist of differentiated small group work on phonics, reading, writing, and math, lots of hands-on art and science activities, and tons of outdoor free play. And no naptime.
Anon says
I’m sure it depends on the kid, but I’m amazed how much reading and math my kid has learned in 2.5 months of Kindergarten, even though it seems to be mostly worksheets. She came in knowing letters and counting but not much else, and now she knows a bunch of sight words, is sounding out words, and doing double addition and subtraction. So I don’t think it’s fair to say kids don’t learn from the current model – many do! I can certainly see how a kid who enters K already reading confidently would be bored, but that’s not most kids (at least not in my area).
Anon says
With my young-for-K kid we faced months of school refusal and nightly tears “because I just want to play” and “I hate school and won’t go back. EVER.” She also got in trouble for stupid things like dropping her pencil too many times during the 2 hour block of seat time for reading and writing every morning, including an hour of silent reading at her desk. The expectations were not age appropriate and she ended up making routine visits and to the principal’s office.
I’ve posted this before, but they were using the Lucy Caulkin’s writers workshop curriculum at the time and the VERY first day of K she was handed a paper and pencil and told to write. personal narrative. She was still 4. It was all bonkers.
It’s more than just worksheets, but the pace of the day. She needed to be active and not sitting for hours at a time.
Anon says
That is bonkers for sure. My K-er is still on “color the region marked with an ‘M’ orange” worksheets and what not. Joking a bit, there’s more to it than that and she is learning things, but those expectations sounds really out of whack with all the 5 year olds I know, let alone 4 year olds.
Anonymous says
Lucy Calkins has singlehandedly done an immeasurable amount of damage to an entire generation that will have a huge impact on this nation’s economy for the next several decades.
Anonymous says
It’s probably even more important for young ones, but I wish everyone had this option. Mine went to K at almost 6 (not red-shirted, just missed the cutoff) and would have loved something like this.
Anonymous says
TL/DR: OP, if you’re concerned about kindergarten readiness and have an option to do a private K, that could be a good move. The time to research is now, especially if you want to apply for financial aid, because the deadlines are usually January-ish.
We fell into this accidentally because of covid, but my younger kids ended up in a Montessori kindergarten that was much more play-based & interactive than what my oldest experienced in public school kindergarten. I think it was especially helpful for my son with a cusp birthday; he spent his “kindergarten” year as one of the oldest in the Primary class. We were always planning to put him back in public school and I had mentally reserved the right to send him to public school K instead of straight into 1st grade. But it was really clear that he was academically and socially ready for first grade after that P3 year (repeating K would have been a disaster; he still complains about how school is boring, and that he misses the Montessori school where he actually learned new things, especially in math).
Anon says
I just have to vent a little…
My 5 year old was flagged for speech therapy by a pre-K teacher last year, and as part of that they did hearing testing several times and said she had pretty significant hearing loss due to chronic fluid in her ear that had persisted over many months. We saw an ENT who said we needed to have surgery (tubes and adenoids) to fix it. We asked about non-surgical options, but he said there were none. Literally three days before the surgery was supposed to take place, I happened to mention it to another mom, who said her kid had the exact same issue and it was fixed by a month of Flonase. I asked the doctor about delaying the surgery to try Flonase and he was so dismissive and rude. He basically treated me like I was one of those “ivermectin cures Covid” loonies and told us it would never work and we were wasting our time with something that wasn’t evidence-based, but I decided there was little downside to delaying a month so we did.
Welllllll we just had our follow up appointment after one month of Flonase and guess what? Ear fluid is GONE. Hearing is much improved and in the normal range in both ears. Which is great, obviously, but gahhhh. My kid would have had completely unnecessary surgery if I hadn’t happened to casually mention this to a mom friend. Why is our healthcare like this!?
Anonymous says
Because surgeons only think of surgical options, and their incentive is to recommend expensive surgery. We had a similar issue with a lingering ankle sprain that was finally fixed by a few sessions of good PT when ortho was pushing surgery.
Anon says
I’m so sorry for your experience! I’ve been feeling disillusioned lately too, especially when doctors recommend things that they should know full well are not evidence-based anymore. It feels like the burden’s on me to do the research at least half the time.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
When I wanted to lose weight, my PCP suggested “cutting carbs”. In 2019.
I know cutting out a food group is a good way to lose weight quickly but this did not sound evidence-based to me….
Anonymous says
I think medical practice is more folklore than science.
Anonymous says
That’s why it’s called “practice.” :)
AwayEmily says
TOTALLY agreed. During one pregnancy I was given an oral medication for yeast infection that, when I googled, was not recommended during pregnancy. I did not take it, and used a topical one instead. Then during another pregnancy (with a different doctor!) I was prescribed an antibiotic for a condition that, when I googled, turned out to resolve on its own the vast majority of time. Again, I did not take the meds. In both cases, either option would have been fine, I’m sure, but I was so irritated that they didn’t even give me the “here are the pros and cons of your different options” — just said “here, do this” without any further context. It’s really made me trust doctors a lot less.
Anon says
Ha! I’m so glad that worked for you!! And just to take it full circle, I went to an ENT for my son’s chronic fluid build up causing almost total hearing loss, and she recommended starting with a series of Flonase and similar medications. After several months with no resolution, I went back and pushed for a surgical consult, and was treated like some kind of monster who wanted to slice and dice my child bc I expressed concerns about long-term use of Flonase and other corticosteroid products. I walked out furious that she wouldn’t even discuss potential side effects of having my 2.5 year old on steroids for 6 months — she literally said to me that “Well anything is better than having surgery!” — and found a great ENT – 1 five minute surgery later, and my child hasn’t been on any OTC or prescription medications in over a year and a half.
Agreed with the comment below that I feel like it’s on me to do the research.
OP says
Oh my, yes that sounds equally frustrating! You’d think they would be more proactive, especially with near total hearing loss. It’s crazy how variable the approaches are among doctors in the same sub-specialty.
anon says
We also tried Flonase for months and did not see improvement and ultimately did the surgery and saw improvement within the month.
Anonymous says
The point is that doctors should be flexible and try multiple options. If Flonase didn’t work for your kid or you were concerned about side effects, you should have been offered other options.
Anon says
Yes, exactly, that was PRECISELY my point! It’s infuriating to be treated like a monster just because you ask questions about a suggested treatment or want to try something else.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Hi – I work in healthcare (not clinical), and since becoming a parent and seeing friends become parents, I’ve seen that it’s still on parents to do the research and advocate.
One of my BFF’s has a toddler with a genetic kidney issue and it wasn’t until she pressed and pressed her ped for a specific test to get the dx that she got it. The ped’s reaction? “Good catch, Mom.”
Even if you live in a major city with all the research hospitals and subspecialists (which I do), it doesn’t matter. Until we really reform how we support families with kids (and I don’t know the answer) this is just the reality. And it sucks. If those of us on this board have all of these challenges navigating…well, you all know the rest.
Anonymous says
Because a surgeon needs to perform surgeries to make money. Sad but true. I’ve lost a lot of faith in the healthcare system, end up doing my own research, and then Doctors ask if Im in healthcare (I am not, I can just read and use the internet/research studies and am relatively smart). This is one of the many reasons why poor/uneducated people die earlier
Anonymous says
That’s for posting this! One of my twins has his ENT follow up next month. He’s spent the last year testing in the ‘low normal’ hearing range but with persistent fluid on his ear. I’m so sick of watchful waiting and I’d love to have another option – will ask about flonase.
Anon says
This is so cute!
Novel post:
I’ve been posting re Kid #2’s speech delay. They turn 3 in a few months and aren’t quite putting sentences together yet, and have some issues with articulation. Thanks to all who have shared in response.
Initially we did EI which wasn’t great – the therapist was lovely but she was virtual due to staffing issues, and she suggested that if we can swing it, private/in-person would be better for kid’s needs and that kid would probably “graduate” out in ~6-9 months, and she suggested that that kid wouldn’t probably continue to qualify for EI due to the level of the delay (mild), plus we only had a handful of months until kid turned 3, and it just didn’t sound like the school-based eval/programs post-EI were a fit at this point for us, which the ST agreed with.
Through our healthcare provider we were going to start 2x/month in-person speech therapy this week. But after reading everyone’s posts, I looked into a speech therapist that could meet with kid at school 1x/ weekly. I guess we got lucky because I found someone quickly, that is nearby, well-reviewed and has availability, and kid starts this week. First session at home, and then the therapist will go to Kid #2’s daycare.
I’ve found myself…increasingly anxious about all of this. Initially I was like oh this is a minor delay, they’ll be fine. I’m not sure if it’s because they turn 3 in a few months, but all of a sudden I’m worried about all kinds of development – potty training (we’ve started sitting on the potty – that’s it; kid tells me when they’ve gone), switching to a bed, etc.
No concerns from ped, and when I read the broad milestone checklists for age 3, kid is headed towards all of those goals or is there.
This is my second kid so I feel like I should know better by now…
Anonymous says
Like all professions, there are good surgeons and bad ones. Sounds like you got a bad one. I switched pulmonologists because one we saw was a jerk and now we have a great one who’s an advocate for my child. FWIW, All three of my kids have been on Flonase for years and two of them still needed tubes. But good job advocating for your child and avoiding surgery!
Anonymous says
Ugh threading fail!
Anon says
I commented on your previous comment, which I can’t find now. However, there was a follow up comment you made that really screamed ‘this is a parental anxiety problem as much as it is a speech problem.” This kid had a hard start medically right? I’ve been there and it’s hard to transition from ‘medically fragile kid’ to ‘average kid.’ You’re been on high alert for so long it’s hard to settle back to normal.
However, you need to take a step back and work on your personal anxiety with a therapist and not channel it into speech therapy when even trained speech therapists are not too worried about your slightly below average kid. Your kid can absolutely do extra speech now, it won’t hurt them, but this anxiety is hurting YOU now.
Also, I would potty train now (big little feelings potty training course is great for the anxious) and ignore the bed switch – one thing at a time.
OP says
Kid wasn’t medically fragile in the technical terms – no NICU stay, full term – but yeah was low birthweight and we had a terrible pediatrician that asked me to supplement thickened formula after nursing (which baby would vomit up), referred us to multiple specialists for no real reason, and misdiagnosed a dairy allergy.
Then, kid wasn’t walking at 15-16 months, which caused our new ped to refer us to EI, neuro, etc. Kid just…started walking later (18.5-19 months), but we still had a (private, costly) PT because we wanted to make sure we weren’t missing anything.
I see my therapist monthly and we started working on this, but I probably need more sessions or space to implement the tools they recommend.
FVNC says
Rest assured, you’re doing everything right. You’re getting your child the help they need.
When my now-10 yr old was around your kiddo’s age, she had severe speech delay, a neurodivergent dx, followed by a couple years of joint attention mediated learning and speech therapies. This was for a kiddo who had — relatively speaking — minor issues, and yet I was often very stressed, anxious, and worried that each decision would Impact Her Future Forever. It was easy (for me) to displace that stress on other things like needing to potty train “the right way” etc. Just keep reminding yourself that you’re doing the right thing and that it’s still stressful, but you’ll learn what your kiddo needs and how to achieve that for them. Wishing you the best.
OP says
I’ve thought of your posts often. Thank you.
Anonymous says
don’t stress, you’re giving your child the tools to succeed. good for you for getting them into speech therapy.
Anon says
+1 you’re doing the right things. Do you feel a lot of stigma about your child having speech therapy? I ask, because your posts kind of give off that feeling, but to me it’s so normal and not something to worry about. My dad had it, my kid had it, many of her classmates and friends had it…it’s so common, at least in my world.
Emma says
Is there a place to get somewhat warm and not too expensive socks for toddlers? We have been doing the cheap cotton ones from Old Navy for my 13 month old, but it’s starting to get cold here in Canada and her daycare takes them out almost every day. We will get her boots of course, but I’ve found that good socks really help with cold feet.
OOO says
I find Carters socks to be a slight step up in quality from Old Navy and a bit thicker, but not too thick. We live in Michigan and they keep my toddler’s feet warm.
An.On. says
I’m not sure how warm they are versus Old Navy but we’ve really liked the Reebok socks we found at W/mart, they’re a little bit on the thicker side, and also really stay up well on the foot because of the little stretchy cuff. I think they’re similar to the Carters that OOO recommended.
Anon says
Coco melon socks from Target are surprisingly good. They are two layers. Not 100% cotton but my almost three year old loves them and they are warmer than carters.
My toddler didn’t like the cat and jack fuzzy boot socks.
GCA says
I don’t know if you have access to the TJX stores in Canada, but every year I go to Sierra.com and get a few pairs of half priced Smartwool socks for the kids.
Anonymous says
i got some really thick ones at Aldi’s that were our “going outside to play in the snow” socks for a long time.
Anonymous says
Just buy some smart wool ones. They are about $14/pair. My kid goes to an outdoor school (6hrs) and never complains about cold feet because I make her wear wool socks and wool long Johns (Chasing Windmills).
Anonymous says
My kids cannot wear wool socks. I would buy one pair and try them out before investing in a whole set.
Anonymous says
We’re not wool people either. I like Darn Tough. They have non-wool options that are fantastic. I’d also look to see what Bombas has for kids.
Anon says
If your kid isn’t expressing discomfort, there may not be a need to buy anything special. As a toddler, my kid was happy wearing a lot less clothing than I would have wanted at the same temperature, and I heard the same thing from same friends. I’m not sure if it’s because they’re so much more active or what, but I don’t think my kid ever complained about being cold until age 4 or so.
Anonymous says
Same. My Wisconsin kid is perfectly happy to play outside for hours in just about all weather in regular cotton socks. Appropriate shoes/boots and other outerwear are more important than socks for her to be comfortable.
DLC says
Backcountry[dot]com has sales on smartwool socks every so often- i got several for my kids last winter for $9-11/pair. I also find they can rewear them for a couple days so 3 pairs lasts the week.
Anonymous says
Also in Canada – I used the baby smartwool socks at that age. Good boots (Kamik, Columbia. Merrell etc) are also key.
Anon says
someone tell me what coats my kids need this year. i have twins in K. we live in Houston. the past 2 years we haven’t gone back east in the winter so have gotten away with a hooded north face denali fleece and layer with a thick sweatshirt underneath + hat + gloves for our handful of super cold days. i usually buy our fleeces big so they last at least two yearsthis year we are going to the DMV area for Thanksgiving (weather could be 30-60) and then on a ski trip to Utah in January. trying to borrow stuff, but we don’t live in a place where people own a lot of winter gear. i would like to purchase the fewest coats possible, especially since i have to buy double and don’t have siblings to pass them down to. would like a 3 in 1 jacket from Target be good for this purpose? do i need something better quality?
Anon says
I’m not sure about skiing – can you rent the appropriate gear there? I think a fleece should be totally fine for the DMV at Thanksgiving. Honestly, even in the Midwest, Thanksgiving is usually (and increasingly) warm. We often don’t break out proper winter coats until January these days.
Scilady says
Definitely a 3-in-1 jacket. Cat and Jack or Columbia normally makes them. I grew up in Minnesota and this is what we had as our one coat for fall/winter/spring since it covered so many bases.
anon says
A 3-1 where the insert is a thin puffer or fleece gets us through the winter for my K-er in Boston. you may not need to use all piece at the same time but for the Utah trip, but you should get a lot of use out of the shell (water proof, too!) and the fleece/puffer insert.
Cat & Jack is great. If you want to level up, consider LL Bean or Lands End. LE in particular can run some periodic sales.
Anonymous says
Definitely a 3 in 1 – I like Columbia or North Face. For less spendy option – try Mountain Warehouse (sizing is sometimes wonky) or Decathlon. You can also try Poshmark and filter for NWT – some great deals.
For snowpants – Columbia bib pants on sale are a great value.
Anonymous says
Target 3-in-1 should be absolutely fine. My girls made it through a Boston winter and ski trips with a Target jacket and never had issues with cold/leaking. I honestly can’t remember why we got the Target version– we typically bought more expensive brands — I think my older daughter just loved the color, and we figured it was worth a shot. It worked well enough that we handed it down to my younger daughter.
Nanny 2+ kids says
If you have a nanny and 2+ kids that the nanny is caring for, how much do you pay (specify on or off books), how many hours/week, and where are you located(ish)?
CCLA says
Anyone have parenting book or resource (insta accounts etc) recs for early elementary? Girls in particular if that matters. Now that my oldest is 7 and younger is 5, there’s just a lot more mental and emotional stuff to navigate, esp with the older one. I get annoyed with Dr Becky but have taken bits and pieces from her. My oldest has clearly inherited my anxiety and I also have but have not yet read “anxious kids, anxious parents”, planning to dive into that soon.
AwayEmily says
Following! My older ones are also 7 and 5 and I’m a little “what do I dooooo.” I’ve been meaning to reread How to Talk so Kids will Listen.
I find Dr Becky almost unbearable — I don’t mind the content (most of the time) but something about her presentation reeaaaaaally grates on me. And it’s not a vocal thing — her book irritated me as much (if not more than) her videos.
I really enjoyed The Self-Driven Child. It’s not so much focused on the emotional stuff but it gave me some (I think) important insight into how important it is to trust your kid and let them fail.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I don’t think I realized when I became a parent that I would have to relive some of the most painful and awkward parts of childhood. It’s going to kill me to see my kids be bullied or feel left out (my youngest especially, as a sweet but shy kid). I’m going to need more therapy to separate my own experience from theirs!
Anon says
Right there with you in terms of projecting your own childhood stuff on your kid. Mine seems so much more socially adept than I was, but it’s hard for me not to worry and I always dread the month or so leading up to her birthday party (who do we invite? what if no one comes? etc) because it causes me so much stress and anxiety. I think I do a good job keeping it internal and not letting her see me worry, but therapy would probably be a better solution than bottling it up.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Right there with you on navigating older kid (though still young at 7) challenges. It’s not getting any easier! Though I still prefer this to the toddler years. This doesn’t address early elementary, but I like the Ask Lisa podcast and am going to pick up her books soon, as a preview of what’s to come with tweens and teens. On her most recent ep, she did recommend starting to talk about puberty at age 8 so ughhh. I’m not ready.
Anonymous says
Lisa Damour is the only parenting expert I’ve found who actually wants to help parents parent. The others are all about patting themselves on the back and/or mom-shaming.
Cerulean says
I met her at a work conference and am a huge fan.
anon says
The podcast Flusterclux is great for anxiety issues and emotional management more generally.
DLC says
I like the Self Driven Child and What Do You Say by Stixrud and Johnson.
CCLA says
Off to check out self-driven child and dr lisa resources, thanks all! And yes oof, very guilty of projecting my own insecurities from childhood onto my kids. But still very much loving these years more than the early ones. And still so appreciating this little community here!
Anonymous says
Moms with kids with ADHD, ASD, or otherwise neurodiverse issues, are there any forums, blogs, books or other resources you’ve found particularly helpful in navigating this? I’m finding parenting media aimed at neurotypical kids increasingly stressful because it doesn’t really fit our family’s situation. Thanks!
Anon says
The ADHD Dude is an interesting follow, and he offers resources. He’s perhaps a little divisive in that he’s very blunt and encourages high standards. I like it, though; a lot of what I’ve found is very “coddle-y” and seems to lead to making excuses rather than finding an effective path forward…along the lines of “don’t hold boundaries and high expectations, your child needs attention and sympathy, get lots of therapy, you poor dears.” This guy is more focused on how parenting strategies can help or hinder kids with ADHD.
Anonymous says
I really like Dr. Russell Barkley’s work
Anon says
Mine is still young and we don’t have any diagnosis (yet?) but I liked The Spirited Child. Not so much for the actual parenting techniques, although some were helpful, but more just because the author come across as very empathetic to parents. At least for me, a lot of parenting books read as if the author blames you if their techniques don’t work for your kid, and I thought The Spirited Child did a way better job than most at recognizing that it just takes a lot of trial and error and what works for one kid won’t necessarily work for others (especially spirited/neurodiverse kids).
Anon says
Oops, meant for the Q about parenting resource for neurodivergent kids.