Before I had a child, even if you showed me the most obvious looking nursing top, I would have had no idea of its “hidden” function. I had no idea nursing tops even existed, except for the tanks that had the clips on the straps. Now that I know about this category of clothing, I’m always impressed when the designers make nursing tops that look like regular tops. This one doesn’t make its dual function obvious, looks professional, and I would totally wear it even after I stopped nursing. The folds that conceal the openings are hidden well with the draping of the top and the all-over pattern. The top is $90 at A Pea in the Pod, is machine washable, and comes in sizes XS–L. Ripe Pull-Down Button-Front Nursing Top
Finding a plus-size option for this was tough, but, like the pictured top, this Momzelle nursing top has a blousier fit than many nursing shirts, and it’s less obviously a nursing top than many others, too. It goes up to sizes XL and XXL.
This post contains affiliate links and CorporetteMoms may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!
This post contains affiliate links and CorporetteMoms may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!
We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites.
Sales of Note…
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Nordstrom – 2,100+ new markdowns!
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off all sale styles
- Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything; extra 30% off orders $100+
- Eloquii – $39 select styles; 50% off select styles
- J.Crew – 25-50% off wear-now styles; extra 50% off select sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything; 50% off women’s dresses; extra 60% off clearance
- Loft – 60% off sale styles
- Lands’ End – Up to 40% off your order
- Talbots – Semi-Annual Red Door Sale: Extra 50% off markdowns
- Zappos – 26,000+ sale items (for women)! Check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kid shoe brands on sale.
Kid/Family Sales
- J.Crew – 25-40% off kids’ styles; extra 50% off select sale
- Lands’ End – Up to 40% off your order
- Hanna Andersson – 30% off all kids’ & baby clothing; PJs on sale from $25; up to 75% off clearance
- Carter’s – Rule the School Sale: Up to 50% off; up to 40% off baby essentials
- Old Navy – 50% off back-to-school styles; 30% off your order, even clearance
- Target – Backpacks from $7.99; toddler & kids’ uniforms on sale from $5
- Pottery Barn Baby – Summer sale: up to 50% off
- Nordstrom – Limited time sales on brands like Maxi-Cosi and Bugaboo.
- Strolleria – Free infant seat car adapter with any Thule stroller; 30% off all Peg-Perego gear in our exclusive Incanto Collection
See some of our latest articles on CorporetteMoms:
Click here to see our top posts!
And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
KateMiddletown says
Do you wear nursing tops to work for pumping, or is this weekend wear?
Leatty says
I only wore them for the weekends. When I pumped at work, I found it easier to remove my top/br*. I might have felt differently if I pumped in the car, but that never worked for me.
Anonymous says
Same. At work, I wanted to use a hands free pumping bra, which you definitely can’t wear all day. So if I had to take off my bra, it was just as easy to also take off my top.
anne-on says
This would have been WAY too much for weekend wear for me while still nursing. I would have 100% worn something like this to work to pump in. My go to otherwise was either a button down, or a wrap front style dress or top with a nursing cami underneath. I pumped mostly in the summer/early fall, but I feel like loose sweaters/cardigans would have worked well in later fall/winter.
lsw says
I wore nursing tops to work. It made pumping easier and my last-minute nursing out the door and first-minute nursing in the door at home easier. I just strapped a hands free pumping bra over the shirt (and over my regular nursing bra). This made life easier for me.
Pogo says
95% of the time I wore my regular wardrobe to pump in and just pulled up the top or unzipped as necessary. Occasionally I wore a nursing top for pumping (on the plane for example).
On weekends when I had to look nice (going out to dinner, church, parties, etc) I was more likely to wear a dress than a cute top like this and jeans, but I did a few times. The rest of the time on weekends – running errands, chores around the house, etc – I was 100% team nursing tank + leggings + cozy sweater.
Starting IVF says
We will be starting our first IVF cycle in September (IVF with ICSI). A little nervous but mostly excited – but trying to keep my expectations in check.
Please share all your tips!!!
Jeffiner says
Good luck! We’re on our first round right now, also IVF with ICSI. My egg retrieval will be either Friday or Saturday. I’m not sure if I have any tips yet. I was afraid of all the shots before we started, but now they’re no big deal. Some people always hate them, though. My only side effects so far are headaches, fatigue, and difficulty concentrating/feeling foggy in my head (possibly due to all the headaches and fatigue).
Starting IVF says
Thank you! Sending you positive wishes for your retrieval!
I don’t have any needle phobias, and will be giving myself the shots (because my husband is super supportive but also super not great with needles/blood).
Pogo says
Have your nurse write down your protocol on a calendar so you know exactly what you are injecting every day. If you are going out of town, make sure you check the protocol for the following days and bring all the appropriate drugs!!
On those lines, if you are travelling and can’t find a sharps container (say, you are in the woods camping…), bring along some kind of hard plastic container to store them in until you can bring them home and properly dispose, or until you get to a public bathroom w/ a sharps container.
Ask for progesterone suppositories instead of PIO shots if possible.
Mentally: Every day you need to expect the unexpected. Be ready to take that calendar the nurse gave you and cross things out and add things in as they monitor you. Monitoring was stressful for me because it was about a 45 minute drive, first thing in the morning. I started treating myself to a latte and comedy podcasts, which I saved for the drive. It distracted me and gave me something to look forward to.
I liked to look up the results as soon as they were posted in my online portal. Maybe this led to obsessive refreshing and anxiety… but I’m not the kind of person who could ignore information I knew was available. This definitely led me to have less than happy conversations with the nurses sometimes, because I’d see my numbers and assume one thing, when the doctor actually wanted another. See above re: expect the unexpected. Trust the RE, but don’t be afraid to speak your truth. There is a lot they can do with the meds and timing if you give them all the information – I was upfront with how anxious the process made me w/r/t my work travel and my husband’s.
That said, I never told work. I do not regret this, because I work with mostly men and it’s just.. not something people talk about. My “minor medical procedures” that I had to have I’m sure are long forgotten by my boss and I am confident no one ever put two and two together between my pregnancy and those appointments. However other ladies on this board have told their boss with great results – maybe they can chime in :)
GOOD LUCK!!
Turtle says
Counterpoint to telling work: I work in finance with nearly all men. For the first 12 months I didn’t tell anyone because we, too, just don’t talk about that stuff. Eventually I told one of my closest male colleagues who was also a professional peer. I had a lot of “minor medical procedures” that were either really procedures or a bad mental health day after some failed attempts. I felt it was important that I had someone in my Circle of Trust in case someone said, “Anyone else think Turtle has been out a lot? Is she interviewing?” or something like that. I know of one instance when someone questioned where I was and he was able to casually dismiss whatever was said.
PS: I didn’t get to IVF. Long diagnostic process followed by uterine surgery + multiple IUIs, with the last one being successful. Hugs to you – it’s a long slog and I wish you lots of luck.
Starting IVF says
Thank you!
I am on the fence about telling work. I’m fortunate in that I work from home when I’m not traveling (typical month is one or two trips, two days/two nights per trip), so I don’t tend to tell work when I have doctor’s appointments unless I’ll be out for half a day. My doctor is about 30 minutes away (walking and the T/subway) so that’s relatively easy and I can work on the train. But at some point, I’m guessing that monitoring is going to conflict with work travel, and I’m not sure if I want to go with “minor medical procedure” or just the truth. I can see advantages/disadvantages each way. I do have a great relationship with my boss and manager, so that isn’t an issue. And they would 100% be in my corner if there were rumblings about me not being accessible, even if i told them “minor medical” and left it at that.
buffybot says
Good luck! I was surprised to find that the physical aspects of the IVF treatment were not the horror-show I was expecting (but that doesn’t cover the emotional aspects, mind you),
A few practical thoughts: 1) get organized with your meds and schedule (I like Pogo’s idea of making sure the clinic writes down your medications on an actual calendar) 2) make sure you are using the right needle size for each injection – some of the really huge ones are just for mixing and you don’t need to use them on yourself! 3) don’t schedule much for later in the process/post retrieval, since it’s hard to predict how you’ll be feeling. I felt like a bit of a badass getting injections in restaurant bathrooms and at Madison Sq Garden, but still, doing stuff at home was far preferable. 4) I liked making my husband responsible for the injections because it was a way to share the burden, but some people feel better about the shots when they control them. 5) Certain shots are better if you ice the area (because they itch/burn), others benefit from a heating pad (PIO); some that you mix hurt less if you let them sit for 10 minutes. If you search for tips for the actual meds you are prescribed, you’ll get specific feedback.
But my big tip is more of a state-of-mind thing. Especially for many people with “unexplained” infertility, the first round of IVF is diagnostic. There are many, many stages where things can go wrong/not to plan. A protocol is just a general guideline and may change quickly. Be flexible and try not to have too many expectations. It took me 2 retrievals, 3 transfers and a whole lot of supplemental treatments before it worked out for me, and that’s with test results that all looked about as good as you could imagine. The science is amazing, but imperfect. Patience and self-care is key.
Starting IVF says
Thank you!
Ours is definitely explained – severe male factor. So while I’m hopeful about cycle 1 and will try and stay in a state of grace and gratitude regardless of outcome, I’m also very well aware that cycle 1 might just be a test drive.
Leatty says
For those of you who suffer from anxiety, how do you avoid passing that down to your children? I’ve suffered from generalized anxiety and panic disorder for more than a decade with varying degrees of success. I’m on an SSRI, which helps most of the time, but I occasionally have panic attacks caused by work-related issues. I typically avoid discussing my anxious thoughts with my husband, but I worry (ha!) that I will pass this along to my 1 year old. Tips? Suggestions?
Boston Legal Eagle says
I’m not a trained medical professional, but I think that a lot of anxiety/depression mental disorders are passed down genetically. I can see a lot of similarities between my own anxiety and my dad’s. There’s not much I can do about my genes so it’s possible that my kids will develop anxiety. I do hope to encourage more open communication in our family (certainly more than I grew up with), and will encourage therapy if that’s something they feel they would benefit from. Therapy and medication has really helped me.
Anonymous says
I think you are doing everything you can by getting treatment and tackling it head on as much as possible. As I’ve gotten older it has become very clear to me that anxiety/depression run in my family – I’ve started to recognize so much of my parents behavior as colored by anxiety, and both of my siblings have also been treated for it as adults. So I feel somewhat fatalistic that this may be something genetic that I pass on. To the limited extent I can, I try keep mine in check, and try to recognize when anxiety is coloring my behavior so I can curb it. But it is really hard to stop completely because it is so unconscious and automatic. I’ve been on and off medication throughout my adult life. I don’t stay on SSRIs all the time due to side effects, but I will certainly go back on them if/when I need to. I guess as my son gets older I will probably talk to him about how this is a problem that runs in our family and tell him about how it can be treated, what has helped me, etc. so he can watch out for it in himself.
anon says
+1. Once I came to terms with my own anxiety, I could see there was a very clear genetic component. There’s lots of self-medicating going on in my family, in absence of having a real diagnosis. That, to me, is a bigger danger (to yourself and your kids) than knowing you’re predisposed to anxiety/depression and getting treatment early and often. So take heart that you’re doing the right things, and your self-awareness will serve you and your kids well.
Betty says
I highly recommend checking out the book: Anxious Kids, Anxious Parents by Reid Wilson and Lynn Lyons. It discusses that yes, there may be a genetic component to anxiety, but there can also be a “learned” component. I think both came into play for me. Anxiety does run in the family, but my mother also reinforced — and continues to reinforce — anxious behavior. I’m trying not to do the same with my son, whom I can already see struggles with anxiety. I have found the book incredibly helpful in identifying behaviors (mine) that inadvertently reinforce his anxiety (e.g. reassuring him over and over again that he is safe from tornadoes when he expresses a fear of bad weather versus saying “wow, worry has showed up again.” “what can you say back to that worry?”)
Anonymous says
“I think both came into play for me. Anxiety does run in the family, but my mother also reinforced — and continues to reinforce — anxious behavior. ”
This is me. My mom has zero interest in addressing her anxiety. So frustrating.
Anon says
Both DH and I suffer from some level of anxiety and it runs in our families. While pregnant I freaked out that maybe we shouldn’t even be having kids because they might be anxious too, etc. My therapist pointed out that there are all sorts of things kids can inherit: types of cancer, high cholesterol, heart problems, etc. and that doesn’t necessarily mean that you shouldn’t have kids. Many physical and mental health issues have both a nature and a nurture component. My fear is that I am going to be so eager to make sure my kids get any help that they need that I will not be able to differentiate between what is normal levels of worry vs. heightened levels. My kids are still quite young, but I plan on checking out that book.
anon says
I don’t know if I’m looking for advice, or just commiseration, but sometimes I wonder what I was thinking when I decided to become a parent. I have a kid who is hard. Just really hard, much harder than my other (who isn’t particularly easygoing but is a dream in comparison). He takes so much more energy and parenting than normal, and I’m exhausted after nine years of this. He has behavioral issues and is getting professional help, but it is still not an easy road. Plus, all the therapy focuses on him (as it should), but I really need some support of my own. My marriage is suffering because even though we agree on the results we want, we have very different ways of getting there. I think DH is overly harsh with the kid, which escalates the situation, and affects my feelings toward DH.
I love my child to the moon and back, but this is not what I signed up for.
Anonymous says
Can you get support? Family therapy for you and husband? Individual therapy? I’m sure that seems impossible but otherwise you’ll be looking for a divorce attorney.
lsw says
“Plus, all the therapy focuses on him (as it should), but I really need some support of my own. ”
Sounds like the second half contradicts the first – you should be able to have therapy that helps you, too. It’s hard, and I’m sorry. Sounds like you need your own oxygen mask, to use the tired cliche. How can you get there? An additional therapist? Extra appointments with the one you have, but focused on you? Hugs.
Anonymous says
Is your husband participating in the kid-focused therapy, or just you? You both need to be on the same page regarding behavior management strategies, or you will not get the results you are looking for.
In addition to individual therapy, you need breaks from caregiving. This includes both regular breaks during the daily or weekly routine, such as a yoga class or an hour alone at the coffee shop, and longer breaks such as summer camp or an adults-only vacation.
Individual therapy for you would probably be helpful, of course, but it cannot and should not take the place of cooperation from your husband and downtime for yourself. The answer isn’t just “Mom gets therapy so she can cope better with the terrible situation.” There also need to be concrete steps taken to improve the situation so you aren’t constantly dealing with the behavioral issues without support.
anon says
We’re alternating appointments, which isn’t ideal, but it keeps us both from missing work every time. The sessions focus on 15 minutes with us, when we learn parenting strategies, and 45 minutes with the kiddo. DH is good about following the plan; the trouble comes when everyone is frustrated past their breaking point.
I agree that I need a break from caregiving. Finding a sitter who I feel comfortable leaving DS with is a whole issue of its own, believe me. So DH and I try to give each other breaks, which of course puts more pressure on the other person to be the solo parent.
I have mentioned to my husband several times that I want us to do therapy on our own, but no action on that front yet.
anon says
I’m sorry and I know the feeling. I’m a parent to a special needs kid and it’s just hard. And we aren’t allowed to talk about it being hard. We always have to say “we’re so fortunate she is getting all these therapies. we’re so fortunate we’re in an area with one of the best children’s hospitals in the country. we’re so fortunate that we can afford these things.” And those are all true – we are immensely lucky. But I feel like I’m never allowed to say that this is hard. It’s hard as a caregiver, and you’re balancing things other families will likely never encounter. And that sucks and there’s little support.
I agree with the others to consider therapy or other care for yourself. It’s so important. But also, if you can find other parents of kids with similar issues, reach out. Finding other parents who allowed me to sit in the space of “this is hard and it sucks sometimes” has been huge for me.
dc anon says
Flying with a one year old and a 4 year old soon and I am a bit nervous. We have done many flights recently, but this will be the longest – 5.5 hours. The 4 year old should be fine with books and snacks and will likely fall asleep. I’m more worried about the 1 year old. I used to prepare an elaborate bag of toys for flights for the older kiddo (when she was younger), and I no longer remember what worked best.
Anonymous says
Flew recently with my 10 month old. Was supposed to be a 2 hour flight. We were stuck on the runway for 90 minutes. She spent those 90 minutes pulling all the pamphlets and magazines out of my seat back pocket over and over again, then passed out as soon as the plane took off. It’s a tough age, though– not old enough to benefit from screen time, but too young just to cuddle quietly.
I’ve heard good things about painter’s tape as well– stick it to seat backs, arm rests, etc.
Will you have a car seat for her?
Annie says
We flew to Europe and back at that age and it was pretty brutal. A small makeup bag filled with finger puppets was a hit – she could take them out and put them in an then play with them. Got the puppet on amazon. Paper cups from the flight attendant with one ice cube in them each also worked. Books. Post its stuck to the back of the chair in front also worked for a bit.
Anonymous says
We don’t usually allow much screen time at home but we do all the screen time on plane flights. For a 4 year old, since they are old enough for headphonoes Daniel Tiger episodes, plus ipad memory games and puzzles have been popular with our kids. Since the 1 year old likely won’t wear headphones – try videos and photos from her life (with sound off). We made a bunch of short videos before we left of just like big sister riding her bike or toddler playing with toys or eating breakfast. Toddler watched them on repeat and loved it. Lots of photos of family to flip through on our phonese as well.
anne-on says
For the 1-yr old I’d resign yourself to lots of walking up and down the aisles when the fasten seat belt sign was off. Ours had surgery at not much older, and some of the things I packed for when he had to be in a hospital bed were pipe cleaners, safety scissors if allowed (I happily let him cut my magazines into bits), small brushes with the ‘magic’ paint/paper from Crayola , water coloring board, and if all else fails see if you can pack an old tissue box with cheap ‘silk’ scarves. Taking those out and putting them back in was SUPER silly and fun. Good luck!
Anonymous says
Several of the top daycares in my area won’t let you schedule a tour until you’re at the top of the waitlist, which is so weird to me. I got an email from one of them yesterday that they have a spot for us and we could schedule a tour. I replied within minutes and we set up a tour for Wednesday (aka tomorrow) because I had meetings yesterday and today. Then they just emailed me that the spot was taken by someone else and they’re cancelling the tour. I’m so confused. Am I supposed to accept the spot without taking a tour? Am I supposed to drop everything and race over there to take a tour the instant they tell us they have a spot? We don’t need care urgently, so I’m fine that we didn’t get this spot, but I don’t know why they won’t let us tour. I asked point blank if we could keep the tour on the schedule so we can accept immediately the next time they offer us a spot and they said NO. Arrrrghh. Parenting in general has been easier than I anticipated but I had no idea how hard this waitlist daycare game would be!!
Anon in NYC says
That sounds so weird to me too. Are you supposed to get on the waitlist, sight unseen, and then the first time you see the place is when there’s a spot? That is so bizarre.
EB0220 says
What? That is bizarre. Also, they should have told you that the spot could be taken if you didn’t take the tour ASAP. I wouldn’t want to go there anyway if that’s the way they run things. Sheesh.
Anonymous says
Yeah. I wasn’t desperate for this spot, but I’m a little perturbed that they didn’t tell me “last call, we’re going to offer it to someone else if you don’t accept right now.” Also their handbook says families have 72 hours to accept a spot and it hasn’t even been 24 since they first contacted us. Ugh. I swear these daycares act like they’re Harvard and people are just dying to get a spot (which is pretty much true, but still. Ugh.)
Pogo says
+1 that you wouldn’t want to go there anyway. There must be places in your area that operate under slightly more normal policy…
ElisaR says
that’s a bizarre policy! I haven’t heard of that before.
Anonymous says
I haven’t heard that either. I had an experience with a place that was pretty much the opposite–they wouldn’t allow me to put my name on the wait list until I had taken a tour and decided I really, really wanted to place my kid there. The director complained that people would put themselves on the wait list, then when a spot opened up (like over a year later), they wouldn’t need/want the spot. I just thought, “Yeah, that’s how it works.”
HSAL says
I’m going back to work in two weeks and I’m trying to make sure I have plenty of pumping supplies. I had the Medela last time but got a Spectra S2 this time around. I’m thinking I’ll leave the Spectra at work and leave the Medela at home. I also have the manual Medela (which I love). I have the adapters for the Medela parts to work with the Spectra, but I also wanted to get another set of the Spectra duckbill valves. When I was looking at the generic replacements online, it looked like you can also use the duckbill valves on the Medela. Anyone have experience with that? I don’t mind buying more to avoid dealing with the Medela valves and membranes.
AwayEmily says
I’m the same as you — switched to the Spectra for baby #2 (i like it so much better!) and the Medela as my backup at home. I found that it was better to just use the Medela stuff with the Medela and the Spectra stuff with the Spectra — definitely saw some declines in efficiency when I tried to use the generic adaptor-type things.
Will you be needing to pump at home much? Totally unsolicited advice that might not even be relevant to your situation, but with baby #1 I did an extra morning pump until she was 7 months old. With baby #2 I decided to stop doing that extra session when he turned 3 months and it was THE BEST DECISION EVER. Yes, I don’t have much of a freezer supply this time around, but that early morning pump was (1) such a crappy way to start the morning and (2) a pain because it meant my pump parts were already dirty before I even left the house.
Anon says
I kept a Spectra at work and a Medela at home, but I used the Spectra parts with the Spectra and the Medela parts with the Medela. The best (but $$$) decision I made was to have 2 complete days’ worth of Spectra pump parts – 3 sets for each day. That way if I washed them overnight in the dishwasher, there would always be a dry set ready, and if I forgot one night, I had a second set ready to go. I used the skip hop wet-dry bags to bring them back and forth (and then just washed the bags in the washing machine). I waited until 7 months to cave and get the second 3 sets, and my anxiety about forgetting to wash pump parts vanished. I kept the medela hand pump in my car for the off chance that I forgot parts one day, but it never happened!
I almost never pumped at home (once I was back at work) unless I was out and about and my husband fed her a bottle before I got home. I was pumping 2-3x a week when I was home on leave to build up a bit of a stash and to have milk to get her used to the bottle, but that was it (and it didn’t seem to affect my supply one way or another).
Anon says
Today I learned that a paralegal from one of my former law firms is starting law school this fall. I remember her as an exceptional employee – hard working, responsible, solutions oriented – and I also recall her difficult personal circumstances (bum boyfriend ended up in jail, leaving her to raise three kids on her own, going to school part time while working full time, etc.)
I haven’t talked to her in a while but I’d like to somehow help her as she makes the transition into law school. Those of you who may have gone to professional school as a non-traditional student – in particular, as a single parent with kids, or as a first-generation student – what would have been helpful for you to manage your first year? Tuition is covered by scholarship, but what other barriers might she run into that I might potentially help with? I’d really like to see her succeed.
Pogo says
I don’t have any relevant advice, but she sounds like a bad@ss – good for her!
lsw says
Not speaking from personal experience but what about gift cards to a local grocery chain? Preferably one with a gas station chain that uses the same GC? That gives her some flexibility. A gift that would covers one constant helps free up money for all the other unexpected stuff.
Anonymous says
What about a travel coffee mug plus a gift certificate to Amazon to help with books? Are you in a position to offer a recommendation for a job next summer? She might also appreciate grabbing coffee with you and hearing your advice on law school, especially if you went to the same school (or an offer to put her in touch with alumni from her school).
Anonymous says
I was not in her situation, but was a first generation student. I think it would have been really helpful to just sit down with someone and for them to explain what to expect in law school academically. I was really unprepared for it, honestly (even though I had been an excellent student in college). Explain that she should get some extra books that explain the black letter law rather than just relying on what her professor assigns for required reading (I like the Understanding series, for example). Explain that she should be working all semester on developing some sort of outline or other study guide for her final, study group might be helpful if she finds a good one, etc. There are a LOT of unwritten rules/guidelines for law school that first generation students or students from non-traditional backgrounds are often totally oblivious to– like I was!
Anon in NYC says
Yes! 100% this. Tell her about short cuts that she’s unaware of. Like, how she might be able to find past exams by her professor in the law library.
Ellie says
Yes, this plus offer to help her navigate the 1L summer internship process. So confusing if you don’t have lawyers in the family to turn to.
Anonymous says
+1 to this. I spent the whole first semester of law school, the whole first year really, trying to figure out how to be successful. I ended up taking a class over the summer before 2L year on how to write exam answers and craft outlines, and it changed my whole experience. I would have been much more successful had I had that info sooner.
Anonymous says
Can we talk about how you’re treated at work post-baby? I recently returned after a (standard for our office) 3 month maternity leave. I work in state govt, and generally people are pretty laid back and prioritize work-life balance. Schedules are flexible and it’s not unheard of for people to pop out in the middle of the day to take care of an errand. Before baby I put in what I would consider fairly minimal effort and was considered a star performer. I always assumed workplace discrimination against moms happened to people in really big, high-powered careers, not low level government employees like me. But since returning from leave, I feel like people are treating me very differently. A few examples:
–We got annual raises right after I returned from leave. I got the minimum for a satisfactorily performing employee, despite my boss telling me throughout the year I was doing great. My co-workers all got more. I asked boss about it, and he said that I hadn’t done anything wrong, other people were more productive, which is very different than what he was saying before I went on leave and I think he’s comparing my 9 month productivity to their 12 month.
–I work with customers and one of them complained to my boss that I’m less efficient and responsive than I was before going out on leave. Again we work for state govt, people sometimes take weeks to respond to emails and this guy is complaining that I now sometimes take 1 hour instead of 15 minutes. Thankfully my boss had my back – he asked the guy to point to concrete examples and he couldn’t, and so it went nowhere. But I still have to work with the guy and I hate knowing that he thinks I suck at my job. And whenever I can’t get back to him right away (eg if I’m pumping), I worry that he’s going to make a complaint again.
–My boss has tried to be supportive but I feel like’s treating me with kid gloves. He assumed I didn’t want to go to a conference I go to every year because I didn’t want to be away from the baby. Fortunately he talked to me about it and I told him I do want to go. I think he has good intentions, but I feel like I have to fight for every opportunity in a way I didn’t before.
None of this is really affecting my life. More money would be nice, but I make plenty. I’m not worried about getting fired. But it’s just frustrating. It’s hard enough going back to work after leave to begin with, and this is making it a lot harder.
Anonymous says
We are in really similar boats! I also work for state government and get great reviews with not a ton of effort. And I had a VERY complicated pregnancy, was out for over 4 months (bed rest, then NICU, then home with them for a while) and everyone was incredibly supportive. My boss is a mom and wanted to be super flexible, but I still felt mommy tracked when I got back! Like no one wanted me to have to work overtime (which I LOVE doing because it gives me time-and-a-half comp time to take mental health days or when babies are unexpectedly sick) or take on huge projects because it would make work-life balance harder, when really I was like I can manage my own work-life balance, thanks! After the kids turned a year or so old it got a LOT better and I was put in charge of a plum project. So it’s annoying, but with a little distance after your leave, hopefully everyone will revert back to normal.
KateMiddletown says
Following. I feel like I need a refresher course on setting expectations before during and after maternity leave.
Anon says
Yikes, this sounds really bad. I just want to give a counter example because my experience was completely different. Part of this could be that I work remotely, so only a few of my coworkers ever saw me pregnant and only when I traveled for meetings, and we don’t do a ton of social chatting since we’re mostly on the phone for project meetings thus the motherhood conversation never really overshadowed my work (although I had such, such a hard time with both pregnancy and after kiddo was born). So maybe some of it is that you need to de-emphasize this side of your self at work? And remember that in most states your employee is required to give you a pumping break. It legally cannot count against you in performance.
A month after I came back, my boss left and I was promoted to his place. To be fair, I had been doing my boss’s job for some time now but it was unclear that anyone knew this. When he left I was extremely forceful at educating my boss’s boss on the goings on (I wrote some very good summaries of current concerns and items in motion, emphasizing ones he needed to make decisions on during the vacuum) and I think this was partially the reason they felt comfortable promoting me. I was asked to travel one week of each month for four months for training/transition/strategy planning. At each office, I was able to get a pumping room (or empty office or whatever private nook) with zero issues by contacting a female peer or the receptionist prior to travel. Honestly, pumping at work seems to be completely routine now. Yes, the men were completely clueless and one even asked me what is in the extra bag I am carrying around (to which I responded “baby’s lunch” and after some short confusion, it was fine from there and the men suddenly became very accommodating which is not necessarily a good thing). Looking back, the two things that helped me were 1. managing up and bringing up issues and solutions before my superiors became aware of them from other channels and 2. always being available, even just on mobile with baby in background.
Anon says
*employeR is required to give pump break
Anonymous says
Just an FYI that the law requiring pumping breaks only applies to non-salaried, hourly employees. Decent employers will let anyone take breaks, but salaried employees aren’t legally protected.
Anon says
Solid point.
Anon 4 This says
Following. Our salary (~33% of total comp) + bonus people are awarded bonuses only correlated to their productivity while they’re here. I think I know how I feel about that (not good), but it’s generally accepted in my financial industry workplace.
Meanwhile, I’m 100% commission and am flailing since being back from mat leave. This job type/industry (cousin of brokerage, I guess) is just not set up for women who give birth to succeed, meanwhile they’re dying… dyingggg… for women to stay in my role and at my level. But I digress.
Anon says
Wow, this seems extremely unfair. Does the same math apply to people who take vacation or are on sick leave? So like if you earned 5 weeks vacation and actually take it, you’re now only eligible for 100%/52weeks*(52-5) of your bonus? Or only FMLA is treated like this?
KateMiddletown says
Not to speak for Anon 4 but in my 75% commission role there is no vacation/sick time. You take what you need no more no less. The first dozen years are hell because of this, and my partner with a 25+ year tenure is still uncomfortable taking off more than a week at a time and didn’t vacation at all for the first 10 years of his career. (Extreme example but shows the lengths people go to in order to be extremely successful later on.)
Parenting Books? says
Favorite parenting books, particularly for the toddler age? My baby is going to be 1 soon and I’m starting to realize that motherhood is soon going to involve more than simply playing with her and keeping her alive.
I’m buying The Whole-Brain Child today because the e-book is on major sale on Amazon and I’ve heard good things. Any other suggestions?
blueridge29 says
How to talk so little kids will listen is a good place to start. One may be a little young, but that book was helpful when my kids were 3 and 4.
Anonymous says
My town’s listserve just had a thread about this yesterday! Recommended titles:
Happiest Toddler on the Block
The Whole-Brain Child
The Danish Way of Parenting
Brazelton’s Touchpoints series
Now Say This
No Drama Discipline
How to Talk so Little Kids will Listen (and for later, How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen so Kids will Talk)
No Bad Kids
Simplicity Parenting
Parenting Books? says
This is a great list – thank you!
Boston Legal Eagle says
+1 to this list. I also just read 1-2-3 Magic, which has some tips about getting kids to stop certain behaviors and to start others.
EB0220 says
Janet Lansbury’s No Bad Kids is my favorite for toddlers!
ER says
How Toddlers Thrive
Anonymous says
I have a close relationship with my mom and she lives less than an hour away. I’m expecting my first baby at the very end of November. My mom is also trying to plan a trip to see my sister who lives across country sometime between November and January, but she doesn’t want to “miss” anything or not be around when I need her around when the baby is born. She suggested taking the trip about 2 weeks after my due date. Since this is my first and I’m likely to go a bit late, I think this is probably around the time she will want to be around me/the new baby the most, so I suggested earlier in November might be a better option. She thought I would want her to help me finalize getting ready for the baby around that time, but I think my husband and I can handle that better than the newborn.
All this to say– when would you have wanted a helpful mother to be around when you had your first child? I’ve never done this before so maybe 2 weeks after delivery is a fine time for her to take her trip. But I worry she will not want to leave then, especially if the baby comes a bit late.
(And yes, I know it’s up to her and she is not obligated to help me at all, but she wants to!)
Anonymous says
My mom stayed for two weeks after the baby was born. That was enough. I was physically recovered and baby was sleeping in 4 hour stretches so DH and I were semi coherent. Average first time mom goes to 41w1d so two weeks after your due date would not be a good time for her trip. I agree earlier is better for her trip. In unlikely event baby is very premature, you’ll be in t he hospital with lots of support from nurses and it’s ok if your mom doesn’t arrive right away.
Anonymous says
If she is really OK with later, like later in December or January, to visit your sister, why not go then? It seems like there is little-to-no chance that you’d really need her help in a given week at that point. That lets her help before/after/whenever in November that you need and she wants.
HSAL says
Have her go in early November or as late as she could in January. You don’t really need getting ready help. My mom stayed a couple weeks with my first (born at 39 and 4) and stayed for a few days every week this summer with my twins (she lives three hours away). You definitely want the help with a newborn. With my first I had a v-delivery and felt fine physically by about 3 weeks, but with my csection twins it was closer to 6.
Does your husband have paternity leave? If he does, I’d suggest considering staggering the visit a bit with his leave – so if he’s home for two weeks, maybe she comes at the tail end of his leave.
Ella says
You don’t really need help getting ready and help those first couple of weeks is clutch.
Anonymous says
If you go a week- 10 days over and need a section then you might end up just getting out of hospital when she leaves. Early November or late December would be better for sure.
Anonymous says
Thanks all, this is basically what I was thinking.
Anon says
My aunt came about a month before I delivered and was a big help in terms of washing all the baby clothes, putting together the bassinet, washing bottles, painted the nursery, etc. However, all of that would have eventually gotten done (other than the painting, likely). After my C-section, my mom came as soon as we got home from the hospital and stayed for 2 weeks and that was key. Colic was starting in, I was sleeping downstairs on the recliner because of my incision, she was sleeping downstairs with me and diapering and changing the baby so all I had to do was feed (DH had to go back to work), and generally making sure that my husband and I were still able to shower and have a hot meal from time to time. She kept track of my meds for me (what I needed to take when) and went to doctor’s appointments with me for me and for the baby, since I couldn’t lift the baby in the car seat due to my C restrictions. It was a HUGE help. I would trade that for the prep work in a heartbeat.
anon says
I really appreciated help when my husband when back to work. How long is your husband taking off?
avocado says
+1 to this. My mom came and stayed right when my husband went back to work, and it was so helpful because I was dying to get out of the house but daunted by the logistics.
Miami Area Recs says
I’m headed to Miami for work at the end of February for a conference Wed-Fri. Thinking of rolling that into a mini family vacay with DH and our will-be 1-year old. Can anyone recommend someplace fun to go that is SOUTH of Miami? IL’s live 5 hours away to the north so we’d like to stay on the opposite side/south of Miami so they don’t feel compelled to hop in the car and crash (which they one-million percent would do).
What are my toddler-friendly resort options with a lovely beach and pool that won’t utterly crush the bank (ie: Marriott, not Four Seasons) not too far from Miami, if such a thing exists? I don’t know this part of Florida well at all.
shortperson says
i have an annual work trip to miami so we have done this. my favorite has been staying on south beach, staying right on the beach. it’s in miami but at the southern tip. (we stayed at the ritz carlton but there are plenty of other options that look nice.) there’s also key biscayne, where you can get a beach hotel, but the island is pretty boring, not as good food options as south beach. there are also the florida keys, we are trying key west this upcoming year and it’s surprisingly affordable, but nothing to report back.
NYCer says
Late reply, but I also recommend staying in South Beach. I wouldn’t pick one the of the really trendy hotels (SLS, Shore Club, etc.), but the Ritz or something similar would be good. I had friends who stayed at Fontainebleau with a 3 year old and said it was great – it is HUGE and I think there may even be a kids pool.
Alternatively, you could drive down to Islamorada or Key West.
BettySmith says
Random discussion point/unpopular opinion ahead:
I don’t think ACA/universal insurance coverage of breast pumps is that helpful from a public health standpoint. I don’t think the cost of the pump is what is making or breaking breastfeeding. I think that most women want to breast feed and who use breast pumps would buy them. If insurance didn’t cover pumps I think technology/pump design would improve based on market demand and the price of a basic pump would drop. It is a simple machine. I think the money spent on pumps would benefit children more if used in another way. Overall I think supporting breastfeeding with a pump is pointless without the additional benefit of extended family leave, etc.
shortperson says
i absolutely agree the structural problems preventing breastfeeding are a much bigger barrier but this is what we’ve got. for those with private insurance this is paid for by everyone with the plan — it’s not like here’s $300 that could be allocated to another govt program. even if it were, the pump money wouldnt be reassigned to a different kids program, it would be spent on a military parade or real estate tax cuts or something.
also the ACA mandates coverage of lactation consultant visits which can help keep people breastfeeding.
Anonymous says
The government doesn’t buy everyone a breast pump. They just mandate that insurance has to cover this. So it’s not like the government could be redirecting that money towards other things kids need. And honestly all it’s doing is (partially) correcting a long standing bias towards men in terms of insurance coverage. For years there were insurance plans that covered Viagra but didn’t cover birth control (or prenatal stuff) for women.
Insurance has only covered breast pumps for about 5 years and they’ve been around for 30 years (or more) so I think if the technology were going to improve based on the market, it already would have.
Agree that a pump is a relatively small expense (especially compared to a year or more of formula) but I do know people that wanted to breastfeed that couldn’t pay $300 out of pocket for a pump, and the free insurance pump is the only reason they were able to continue breastfeeding.
anon for this says
My first time around a pump was a real hardship financially, but I only ended up pumping for a few weeks due to working in a non-profit with <20 employees (and this was 8 years ago.) I still have it, and plan to use it as a 2nd pump at home.
1) Pump design/tech has improved VASTLY since so many more women are having the conversation about pumping. Most of the stuff that improves the experience isn't covered by insurance (i.e., hands free bras, apps that help timing, nursing clothing, straight to bottle milk storage bags.) I don't think this is entirely due to ACA but because insurance covers them, they are more prevalent.
2) Imagine your point with literally any medical device (especially geriatric). Hospital beds, back braces, compression socks, scooters in place of crutches, erectile dysfunction corrective devices/medications… basically if someone is guaranteeing a market for the goods, you can bet the producers are going to find a way to justify a slightly better product that costs as much as the insurer/consumer is willing to pay. Minimally necessary Medicare-paid devices are a HUGE part of Medicare spending. At least much of the cost of pumps is being absorbed by paying consumers instead of increasing the deficit.