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Chalk this pick up in the category of “Things I Never Thought About Until I Was An Adult”: outlet plates. Unless you’re house hunting, building something from scratch, or renovating, you’d be surprised at how far outlet plates have come! There are ones with built-in nightlights and ones with built-in USB ports, but these are the coolest I’ve seen. The outlet stays flush against the wall until you need to plug something in, then when you press it, it pops out and gives you three outlets to use. Am I the only one excited about this? It’s nice looking, childproof, and described as easy to install, and it’s $47.98 at Amazon. Pop-Out Outlet This post contains affiliate links and CorporetteMoms may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!Sales of note for 4.18.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 50% off full-price dresses, jackets & shoes; $30 off pants & skirts; extra 50% off sale styles
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Anonymous says
Help me settle an argument: we have a 1000 ft 2 br condo in DC we’ve owned for 3 years and have a 3-month old. I want us to stay here at least for 3 more years because we’re zoned to a pretty good public elementary with free PK-3 (and otherwise we love this location). Husband wants us to start looking for a bigger place in the suburbs. We’re not decided on whether to have a second kid but will likely wait 2-3 years if we do. Thoughts?
Anon says
With the caveat that I don’t know anything about the DC/suburb real estate market, I’d be inclined not to start looking until you’re ready to TTC #2 or you feel you need to move for school district reasons. I think a 2 BR is fine for a family of three.
AwayEmily says
I don’t currently live in DC but have a few friends with young kids who do and their kids have had absolutely stellar experiences in the free PK-3 program.
DC says
DC Burbs here — I’d suggest waiting, but moving for K — assuming you now are walkable to a park/outdoor space. Home prices will likely go up, but since you own your condo, that will likely go up as well. And you’d save on pre-school costs, and I would imaging commuting costs would go up when you move to the burbs.
Anonanonanon says
Is he talking a close-in suburb or further out? How much more space does he want? Are you talking suburb as in Arlington, more urban areas of Fairfax, or way out like Centreville or Prince William/Loudoun? Do you work in DC?
I learned with my oldest that, no matter how much space you have, it’s going to feel small. Kids are always going to be in your business no matter how many rooms there are. You just have more clean and more room to fill with stuff spread everywhere and more to feel messy. FWIW, we’re in a DC suburb in a 1,500 sq ft townhome and most 1,000 ft condos feel larger, because our 1,500 sq feet are split into 3 floors. It feels very cramped on each 500 ft. floor. Also, it’s not enjoyably warm most of the year, so even our little outdoor space is kind of a waste. By the time it’s warm enough the mosquitoes are horrible.
The DC area is just all expensive. I feel like our life in the suburbs means we’re paying very very inflated home prices for proximity to DC without the benefits of DC (especially since neither of us actually work in DC) Also, the northern Virginia suburbs are about to begin an era of rapid transformation with the arrival of Amazon etc. I would wait a few years and see how things end up, you could have a lot more choices by then. Does your husband know what childcare for a 3-year-old costs? In the $2K/month range, even the suburbs.
NYCer says
Agree with your second paragraph, though I have to say that we used to live in a 2 br 1000 square foot apartment, and within the last year moved to a much bigger apartment, and the increased space is really, really nice (particularly when the weather is bad). We did stay in our same neighborhood in the city though, so we didn’t have to make the suburbs vs. city decision.
Boston Legal Eagle says
We stayed in a 2bd 2 ba apartment in a close-in suburb in Boston until our youngest was almost 1. I think that space and size is totally doable with one kid and even two, with one being a baby who can stay in your room. If you’re otherwise close to work, friends and other things you like to do, I’d stay until your oldest is closer to K, or if you have two sooner. Obviously people live in small spaces with lots of kids so it’s doable, we just felt the squeeze more with two.
Govtattymom says
Is PK-3 guaranteed or a lottery? Free preschool sounds pretty awesome! On the other hand, we live in Old Town Alexandria and really enjoy it (walkability, proximity to coffeeshops, 1700 sq foot townhouse, lots of preschool options, etc.)
anon says
We had to make this decision and decided to move to Arlington with a 2 year old when we were expecting our second kid. I just couldn’t imagine doing two kids with only two bedrooms.
If you are going to move to an inner burb within the next 2-3 years, get on daycare waitlists now. The waitlists in Arlington, at least, are just as long as in DC. We had a heck of a time finding care for our 2 yo, and ended up somewhere initially where we weren’t happy.
Overall, I miss this city, but I am glad that we moved when we did. We have made good friends with a few families locally, so we now have a nice circle of friends with kids the same ages. We also had time to get the scoop on local activities and waitlists, so we weren’t left out of sign ups that start in kindergarten. For instance, my DD joined a GS troop as a kindergartner. It filled up in a heartbeat and she wouldn’t have gotten in if I didn’t already know the other mothers. There are no other troops.
Anonanonanon says
I definitely recommend Arlington over Alexandria. If you’re moving for public schools, Alexandria elementary schools are not good (no offense to anyone using them, I’m sure your child will turn out wonderfully)
After school care options in Arlington are almost non-existent, with the exception of the county schools after school program, which we had some issues with. In terms of backup care for snow days (arlington and alexandria public schools close or delay for weather A LOT), I was also not able to find any sort of program that covered that when I lived in Arlington. Granted, that was a few years ago now, so maybe things have changed.
Anonymous says
Are you including just the City of Alexandria or Fairfax County in your statement about Alexandria schools? There are elementary schools in Alexandria city that rank higher than elementary schools in Arlington county so I would not use such broad statements. No question, Arlington County schools are great. But if you examine the statistics for children whose parents are white, upper middle class, and have a college degree, the schools in Northern Virginia are good. The demographics of an elementary school can greatly change the score for the school.
anon says
We’re in Arlington and ended up with an au pair. It works really well for our family. She covers snow days, closure days, sick days, and afterschool care for our school-aged kid. She does drop off and pick up for our preschooler who is in a church preschool from 9:30-1 PM.
Anonymous says
All things considered, move. If you wait 3 more years, you’ll get 1 year of free PK and then want to move.
If you want to wait 7/8 years so you can take advantage of PK-3 (or wait and then move in-district), that’s really the time frame you’re talking about. Can you fit another kid in your current space? what happens when #2 needs PK-3? How might your childcare situation change with a second kid in the time you’re taking advantage of PK-3?
anon says
I have that amount of space in a single family home in a small city with two young kids and it’s fine. No plans to move.
There are times when I wish we had another bedroom or two. However, there are never times I wish I was more car-dependent or farther away from what I value.
Cb says
We are in 2 bed, 1 bath, about 750 Square feet and it’s totally fine with a two year old. I’d love another bath but it is totally doable.
Irish Midori says
So my kid got suspended from after school care for 2 days yesterday. I’m not clear on what happened, and of course he won’t tell me. Looks like I get to go home early to make him clean something or write lines. If I could “make” him do anything, I’d make him write out his own account of what happened to force him to reflect. I’m so mad/frustrated/disappointed in him. I’m also despairing that I can ever guide him to a more productive way of dealing with his feelings.
RR says
How old is he? What did the school tell you? Definitely don’t make it fun, but also consider what you can do to help him. My son is 11, and when he was younger, he was very inappropriate at dealing with feelings. He’d yell; he’d hide under a chair and refuse to come out; he’d occasionally be physical. It does get better–really, truly. It’s hard to see in the moment because it’s incremental, and it’s often one step forward and two steps back, but at 11 we don’t see really any of the concerning behaviors we used to. We still have other things we are working through, but he’s overcome a ton, and I used to despair that he ever would.
Irish Midori says
He’s 9. He’s usually pretty good, but very stubborn, and once he decides he’s “a bad kid,” he will go to all lengths to prove it, and there’s no turning around. Now he wants to quit and never go to after school care again (not an option). Similarly he told me last night he will never eat again and will just starve himself to death (the usual drama–he did actually eat some dinner). I’ve told him I will always love him and never deny him food, safety, and shelter. But he’s losing his electronic privileges of all types.
DH picked him up yesterday, so I have everything second-hand at best. It sounds like the didn’t tell him much either. I probably need to try to set up a meeting with them to figure out exactly what’s going on. DS’s version, of course, is that they punished him for no reason, and they are just out to get him. I know him better than that.
Anonymous says
Have you talked to his therapist about this?
Irish Midori says
Of course. But like any kind of therapy, he has to participate for it to help. He is not now at a point that he *wants* to get better.
Anonymous says
Your comments just are consistently blaming him in a way that makes me really uncomfortable. He’s a child who is sick and needs help. You wouldn’t make him clean as punishment if he couldn’t participate in gym because of asthma.
Irish Midori says
Please let me be angry for a minute. I know he needs help, and I am doing everything in my power to help him. But I’m also tired and frustrated. And yes, I would punish him for not participating in gym if his method of doing it was flipping off the teacher, yelling, and storming out of the room. He has to learn better ways of dealing with it, and has to learn that it’s not acceptable to defy authorities on basic instructions or disrupt the larger class. He doesn’t get to come home and play video games for that all afternoon, sorry. If you have a better idea for how I ought to occupy his time this afternoon while he’s suspended, I’m all ears.
RR says
I think that you need to cut her a break. It is incredibly difficult and isolating parenting the “difficult” child, and judgment from parents who don’t have difficult children does not help. She’s getting him help. But she’s entitled to anonymously vent. She’s not talking about hurting him; she’s talking about making him clean. The last thing that a child who hates school needs is to think staying home is fun.
It’s also completely appropriate to impose appropriate consequences on a child whose behavior hurts others (not clear if that’s what happened here, but I would guess because of the suspension). A child who can’t participate in gym because of asthma (which is not really true–my child with asthma can participate in gym, and it’s good for her to have physical activity) isn’t hurting others. You don’t remove responsibility for being a good citizen because a child has mental health issues. For us, I have to recognize that my son’s best doesn’t match another kid’s best. His “best” is still going to involve impulsive behavior, talking too much in class, not doing homework, and occasionally being rude. But, I do expect that his best will not include screaming at other people or acting out physically because he’s frustrated.
I’ve spent the past 5-7 years with people assuming I’m a horrible mom. I guess if I only had my “easy” kids, I might think the parent of a kid like my son was horrible too. I’d like to think I’d be empathetic and realize that difficult kids can come from great parents.
Anonymous says
I am very surprised that the program would suspend him without a parent meeting. To me this is a red flag regarding the quality of the program.
Anonymous says
+1 million – I would be pulling my kid out of that program immediately. I would never punish a child without a clear reason as to what they did wrong.
I have NEVER heard of a child care program that did not provide a clear and specific description of why a child was reprimanded let alone removed from a program.
RR says
This sounds so much like my kid. I always describe him as a dieter who has a donut in the morning and decides the day is shot so he’s just going to burn it all down. It sounds like you are doing everything you can. 9 was horrible for us–just absolutely awful. I was sure he was going to get kicked out of school and arrested by the time he was 10. Somehow between 9 and 11, he’s improved a ton. Now, we just stress about getting him to do homework. I’m still really stressed about him and his future, but I don’t worry anymore that he will get kicked out of school. He doesn’t scream at people or get physical. He’s done a 180 on his ability to regulate his emotions and work through frustration. It’s so hard to see when you are in the thick of it, but sometimes there is progress nonetheless. He definitely went about 6 months without electronics once, but looking back now that was like a different kid.
Does he have any underlying diagnoses? Ours is tricky–definitely ADHD, maybe very high functioning ASD, some markers for ODD (although I don’t think so actually), and he has a very high IQ, which actually creates a lot of its own issues. Medication for the ADHD was a life changer for us–it didn’t fix everything, but it gave him increased ability to work through it on his own. Therapy has been a mixed bag for us too.
I also find that his relationships with teachers are critical. One he has a relationship, it works well. Every now and then, one of them just doesn’t like him. They always act completely appropriately and try really hard, but he somehow always knows and then it’s a mess. If after care isn’t working, is an after-school nanny an option? We were really lucky to find one that is an intervention specialist in her day job, so she’s got great skills in working with tough kids.
Irish Midori says
Thank you. This is really, really comforting. We don’t have a diagnosis, just some hints that he has a tendency toward OCD. I am considering asking to try medication for him and see if he needs to fight one demon at a time. You are right about the relationship–he’s had some excellent teachers who have won him over, and it really helped (not eliminate, but cut down on the friction). I’m asking for a meeting with the after care workers to get their side more fully. It’s a good program, really. But yes, I know it’s a long day for him. We had an after school nanny in the past and it was great. It’s just hard to find one in my area, and I wasn’t able to get one this semester.
RR says
You have all my internet hugs today. This is hard and lonely.
mascot says
Please, please pursue a diagnosis. At least then you know what you are working with and can assess the right medication/therapies/support. Otherwise, you are just blindly throwing darts and not really sure what you are supposed to be doing.
We finally did this for our spirited kid and I only feel guilt about not doing it sooner.
mahnamahna says
Another parent of a difficult elementary-aged boy here. He really struggles with emotional regulation and impulsiveness. We had him evaluated in kindergarten and he was diagnosed with ADHD. Meds have been life changing for our whole family and lucking out with teachers and care-givers that he clicks with has made a world of difference for us too. But everyday is still a challenge. My husband and I, and especially me, get the brunt of his outbursts. So many people around us don’t understand b/c they do not see him unmedicated and/or they do not have a difficult child. Solidarity, sister.
Anon says
I’m a little confused why you say not going to aftercare is not an option. It clearly isn’t working for your kid. I think it’s time to figure out a new option. If you want to help him get better, part of that is accommodating his needs to the extent reasonable.It’s not reasonable to tell him he can stop going to school. It is reasonable to at least explore other options for after school care.
Anonymous says
Yes this. Which we’ve been saying for a while. Find an after school nanny. It can be done.
Anonymous says
This. A parent’s job is to provide suitable caregivers when they are not present. It has been clear for sometime that this afterschool program is not a suitable environment to meet his needs. You are setting him up to fail by forcing him into an untenable childcare situation.
Anonymous says
You can’t punish him out of being who he is, which is a child you know has some mental health struggle and who can’t handle a full day of school plus aftercare. Sure punish him but cleaning or writing lines (are we still doing this? Feels very Umbridge) is going to have zero effect. He needs more support, more therapy, and less structured rule following time.
Irish Midori says
Yeah, we’re also offering those things, but also he needs boundaries and discipline, and every other tool in my box is worse. Rest assured, if he writes lines, his pen will not magically carve scars into his hands.
Anonymous says
Does he? Or does he need more love and for you to figure out a different child care situation because this one isn’t working?
Redux says
OMG stop. Do not suggest she doesn’t love her kid enough. Just don’t.
Anon says
I’m not the person you’re responding to, but I don’t think saying a child needs more love implies the parent doesn’t love him enough. What she clearly means is he needs to be *shown* more love, which is about the parent’s actions, not her feelings.
Anonymous says
I’m not! Omg I’m sure she loves him to the moon and back!! I just think instead of coming home to punishment today he needs to come home to love and understanding even though that’s really hard.
Anonymous says
I read it the way Redux did, and was hurt on behalf of Irish Midori.
As the parent of a kid who is disruptive and difficult both at school and after care… I can give my kid a big hug and tell him I love him AND tell him that he has X consequence because of his actions at school. They are not mutually exclusive.
Nannies are easily 2x the price of group after care in my area. I know most of us here are doing better than average financially, but let’s please trust Irish Midori that she’s considered other options and she needs to make this one work for her son.
anon says
STOP. Just, don’t. As the fellow parent of a difficult kid, let me tell you that you can’t love them out of their difficulties. FFS.
Anon says
And if you are dealing with behavior issues (whatever the cause/diagnosis) it is totally appropriate/beneficial to ban screens for good. So much research out there about the negative impact on even neurotypical children – and definitely detrimental for kids with any sort of ADHD or similar. This is not a punishment…it is a step towards helping your child.
SC says
My kid is only 4, and we struggle with behavioral issues, including aggression, and have the whole team of therapists and doctors. His school has been amazing and patient, but he’s been sent home a few times this year.
I can’t say whether we’re doing it “right,” but we have tried to walk the fine line of making sure being sent home isn’t fun (so, no screens) and punishing him while he’s struggling. For us, that has meant (1) the adult home with him does not actively engage in play but of course meets his needs, is available to talk, and does not withhold affection, (2) no TV/screens, obviously, (3) we replicate the remaining school schedule and stick to our evening routine as closely as possible, and (4) kid can otherwise entertain himself with unstructured time–puzzles, art, going outside, books, toys, whatever.
Especially if your son (like mine) is struggling with shame and self-perception, I would downplay how big a deal it is to get sent home from aftercare. He knows. Let him know you’re on his team and you love him. He’ll be more likely to tell you his account of what happened if you do all that.
My kid is only 4 and is reluctant to talk about what happened. The more I hang back and say nothing, the more likely he is to volunteer information to me as I’m tucking him in. Also, he processes/tells his story in reverse chronological order, until we get to the actual thing that set him off. I know yours is older, but he may not be able to process his negative feelings in a traditional narrative format.
Anon says
Maybe this is because aftercare in my area really s*cks and I’ve heard a lot of horror stories, but unless he has a history of acting out with non-parent authority figures, I would want to make sure there isn’t more to the story.
Irish Midori says
Oh, he has a history. He’s really good, until… he isn’t. I’ve picked him up from school more than once. In daycare when he was 4, I had to pick him up after he threw a desk at a teacher and slapped the headmaster in the face.
Anonymous says
After care around here is so bad. I use it because thankfully I’ve got a placid rule following child content to sit in a corner in peace but it would be a terrible fit for a rambunctious child who needs to let off steam after the school day.
avocado says
All after-school options in our area were absolutely terrible, too. OP, I would start looking into an after-school nanny immediately. It is really too much to expect even a neurotypical child to endure crappy after-school care. If your son has special needs, group after-school just may not be a viable option.
avocado says
Also–as a veteran of multiple terrible after-school and summer child care situations, including a failed attempt at working from home in the afternoons, I can tell you that finally finding an acceptable arrangement was an immense stress-reliever for me. Even if the aftercare program allows him to stay, you will always be on pins and needles wondering whether he will act up again and get kicked out. Hiring a nanny will benefit your sanity as much as your son’s happiness.
Anonymous says
This is not helpful for OP but I did just want to jump in and say that in my area, after school care is AMAZING and has a huge lottery to even get a (not free) spot. I didn’t want people reading all the comments about poor after school care programs thinking they are all awful :). My kid doesn’t go and begs to go every single day!
Anon says
Aftercare in my city is so terrible to the point that nobody who can afford literally anything else uses it, and the only children who attend have single mothers who make minimum wage. I’m assuming OP is not earning minimum wage; at the very least she’s not a single mother. I would do everything in my power to figure out a different option here.
Irish Midori says
There is literally not another after school program in my small city. There used to be another one, but it shut down 2 years ago. I live in a pretty rural area, and it’s LCOL, which might mean there are just more SAHMs and the demand is lower, I don’t know. I hear you all saying “just get a nanny,” but that’s not easy either. Again, rural, not a college town, and all the high school kids are in their own after school activities. Unemployment is low, so there aren’t a bunch of underemployed, highly qualified people looking for nanny jobs. If anything, there’s a shortage of qualified (I.e. not struggling with addiction) labor. I’ll try again next semester to find someone, but at some level, kids have to bend to the reality they find themselves in, and this is ours. The program we have is really quite good, and he’s always enjoyed it. He’s had some similar issues with the nanny we’ve had in the past, as well as teachers and other authority figures. I really believe his root issue is with authority and control, and while I recognize that there are often physiological factors, the setting will not 100% fix the problem.
Anonymous says
“kids have to bend to the reality they find themselves in, and this is ours.”
You have to accept your kid for who they are and this may mean that he cannot bend to that reality. If he was autistic you would accept his limits. You need to get a diagnosis so you can get appropriate help in place. Have you looked into an aupair or hiring multiple afterschool sitters as it is likely you won’t find one sitter to cover all days. Even if he only had to attend afterschool programming for two days a week, it might be better. The current situation is not working and it’s your job as a parent to find a solution.
IHeartBacon says
“kids have to bend to the reality they find themselves in, and this is ours.”
There is so so so much truth to this statement.
Irish, I wish I had some advice/recommendations for you, but I don’t. I believe you when you say you are doing your best. I can tell by your posts that you are. This is such a hard position for you to be in because some people’s personalities cannot be moved/changed/bettered/fixed/[insert whatever appropriate word here], and unfortunately sometimes those people turn out to be our own family members. Even harder, sometimes those people turn out to be our kids.
IHeartBacon says
@Anonymous at 12:56.
Regarding the “bend to reality comment” that Irish posted, I understood her comment to mean about the aftercare that her son needs to be in. Irish said that she was not able to find an aftercare nanny this semester. That is the reality. She can “accept [her] kid for who [he is]” and still require him to go to the existing aftercare program. That is their current reality.
anon says
As a counterpoint: my children’s aftercare is lovely and my boys get to do their one sheet of homework and then play with engaging adult supervision, including one of their favorite counselors from their summer day camp. I can’t speak to the quality of the OP’s aftercare, but neither can you.
Irish Midori says
I’m on the board of mine and donate to it (It’s a YMCA program). I believe it’s a quality program or I wouldn’t support it at that level.
Anon says
You’re correct, I don’t know anything about the quality of her aftercare and if she feels it’s terrific she can ignore this comment, which it seems she did. But she asked for advice, and my advice is that while I would trust the word of a daycare teacher or an elementary school teacher over my child (in all but the most extreme circumstances, anyway), I feel very differently about aftercare “teachers” (who in my area are under-qualified babysitters who are unkind to the kids and rely way too heavily on TV to entertain them).
Anonymous says
I would not make him clean or write lines. He should do all his homework and regular chores, then do something non-electronic like play outside or read quietly and stay out of your way while you work. Based on your previous posts about the situation, it doesn’t sound like punishment is going to deter recidivism here. If you punish him, all you are getting is retribution.
Anonymous says
Completely agree.
mascot says
Have him use his time doing chores for you. Pick-up sticks/pine cones in the yard, wipe out windowsills, anything that keeps him moving. You had to take extra time off work and now he has to pay you back for that time by contributing extra to the household. He’s still doing something helpful and not necessarily fun, but it takes away the power struggle of you babysitting him to write lines or something that’s not really tied to the crime.
We have had several incidents in aftercare so I’ve got all sorts of thoughts on this.
1) Allow him the chance to tell his side of the story. Don’t interrupt and accuse him of lying. If you feel like you aren’t getting the whole story or that he is actually lying, tell him that he has until tomorrow morning to tell you everything pertinent. At that time, you will be reaching out to the aftercare people to get their take and if he’s found to be lying about his actions, there there are consequences for lying. Even if he didn’t intend to hit the kid in the face with the ball for example, he can’t lie about whether he actually threw the ball
2) Aftercare is generally a zoo and he may really struggle in a chaotic environment. Talk to the teachers about strategies to make it easier for him. Does he need a snack? Is there a quiet time/place set aside for all the older kids to get the homework done? Are there actual activities or are they running on the playground for 2 hours and getting more and more hyped?
3) My kid is no angel, but we also found out that certain other kids were quick to throw him under the bus or call a foul when he wasn’t doing anything particularly naughty. It was a really subtle dynamic that we asked everyone to watch for and once they did and could correct in the moment, we had fewer incidents.
4) Talk to and let him talk to his therapist about more strategies. Also, are there other activities he can do so he’s not in that environment every day? We realized that we were asking a lot of our kid to hold it together in an environment that was stressful for him so we try to find other outlets.
Anonymous says
As the parent of a spirited first grader who is having trouble with following rules at school and aftercare, I feel for you, and I see this in my future. It is a tough spot, because you don’t want to give him what he needs (unstructured time to blow off steam) because that will feel like a reward for bad behavior.
I like your idea of “making” him write his version of what happened… one time, my mom made me write a short story with a prompt based on the action I was being punished for. That might give him some creative license, but still accomplish the same reflection?
Anonymous says
I don’t agree with making him reflect on what happened, at least not without the involvement of the therapist. It sounds like that might make him spiral even further downward. I like Anonanonanon’s suggestion below of quiet decompression time to defuse the situation and calm him down.
Anonanonanon says
I think there can be a middle ground between video games and writing lines.
I didn’t act out against authority, but I could sometimes be a lot as a kid. My mom tried to teach me the value calming the f*** down for a bit. Once around the age of 9 or 10 she’d had it with me (I can’t remember what I’d done, I think my high-strung self had some sort of screaming and crying meltdown in front of my neighborhood friends because they weren’t playing right), and told me I was going to come inside and spend some quiet alone time the rest of the day. I kept arguing and whining, but she just kept saying matter of factly “you can’t scream and cry in front of everyone like that. that’s not how we keep friends. you are clearly worked up and need some time to relax”. She took me to the library and we picked out books. I was told to spend the rest of the afternoon in my room reading and was left alone. She popped in with a tray with a lovingly-prepared lunch and to ask how my book was going. I do remember being resistant at first, but then realizing maybe it was OK to spend some time inside alone.
It was half consequences for my actions-I had reacted inappropriately to my friends- but half supporting me and giving me the unwinding time I needed. Even as a kid I felt that. It was very formative. Maybe you can do something similar with your son. No video games of course, that would be too much like a reward, but maybe he does need to learn to unwind after a long day. Can he come home and read a new book and have a healthy snack in his room and some quiet time at the end of the day? Maybe that will give you a chance to see if the after school program is way too much stimulation after a long day. Then, he’s not getting rewarded for his actions, but he also knows he’s loved and supported.
avocado says
Your mom’s response was so wise and patient.
Anon says
My advice might be outdated because I worked with at-risk kids from 2000-2006 which I recognize is over 10 years ago now. Many of the kids I worked with had an IEP and I understand you likely can’t get one if your son doesn’t have a diagnosis. What we did though, is we realized that for the population I worked with, getting suspended was 100% a reward to the kid and in no way a punishment. We worked with the school / care providers to make sure that punishment was never used no matter what the kid did. If the kid was violent towards other kids, it was often because he knew it would result in suspension. Instead, the kid got sent to a resource room where he would be one on one with a teaching aid for the remainder of the day. Once they realized nothing they did would get them sent home, their behavior really started improving. It was a lot of work to get the schools on board. It was easier for them to just bounce the kid than manage the behavior. We convinced them that if they could get through a few rough days, things would get better and it did.
If your program doesn’t have the staff to do this and you can’t get an IEP to mandate it, maybe you could hire someone yourself to provide the supervision at the aftercare program or school so your son can be separated from the group when needed but not rewarded with going home.
RR says
I would also suggest exploring an IEP. You don’t necessarily need a hard diagnosis. My son has ADHD and a number of other potential things going on, but his IEP lists something like “other health issues.” A hard diagnosis from a medical professional isn’t needed.
And I agree with your assessment on suspension.
ElisaR says
I don’t have answers for you Irish Midori, but I think you’re a great mom and I’m impressed with the thought and care you’re taking here and I respect the way you respond to the nasty commenters. Hang in there.
Desserts backwards says
If it helps, I was just like your son as a kid and eventually turned out fine.
Nan says
How incredibly frustrating. I hate how quick schools are to suspend kids, as I think it can be counterproductive. I’d also be frustrated that the reasons weren’t communicated to you better. You sound like a really good mom. Sending all the Internet hugs!
Anon says
We moved into a new neighborhood last year where I am one of the only working mothers. I work full time and have a pretty high pressure job, but I make an effort to try to socialize with the other women in the neighborhood including a monthly card game. Last night, at one of these game nights one of the moms got very very drunk and told me that “they all” feel bad for me because I work all the time, and they really can’t imagine working like that. She wasn’t being mean – just overly honest in a drunk way. I like my life! It’s busy, but I like the work. And my kids are in extended care at school which I really like. (The care givers are older women who are so, so nice and loving.) The kids are plucky, can take direction from adults and be plopped into all sorts of situations. But I can see how these women look at my life with sympathy. No tennis lessons, no lunches, no school volunteering, etc. I don’t have time for a lot of girls nights and fun stuff. Sometimes errands can seem impossible. Her comment made me feel very conflicted.
AwayEmily says
I hope when you say “her comment made me feel very conflicted,” you meant “conflicted about being friends with her.” Honestly, someone who says something like that to you (drunk or not) may not be someone worth being close to. Being friends with people who are silently judging and/or pitying you seems deeply un-fun.
OP says
Conflicted in the sense that I don’t belong there, but I kinda wish I did. I know these are not my people. I still kinda like card night though.
I hear you says
This is me. I have no friends who work full-time jobs in my city except a couple teachers (which is hard work but a different type of schedule). And honestly, I have a lot of times where I think tennis and lunch would be nice! For one thing, if I weren’t working full time I would be healthier. No doubt about it. There is no space for exercise in my life right now (full time + three kids under 5, including a baby). And when I’m stressed about something at work I sometimes question why I’m doing this to myself (we don’t need my income, I honestly just work because I think I’m a happier person with some purpose outside the home and suspect I wouldn’t be a great SAHM, at least to this age range of kids).
So can I just say your feelings are totally valid? And I’m sure she didn’t mean it in a bad way. The way I handle this is taking the long view. I’m pretty sure that in 15 years I’ll be glad I stayed in the workforce right now. Maybe not even in 5. But long-run I think it’s the right choice.
IHeartBacon says
Well, truth be told, sometimes I feel bad for me too because I work all the time. Other times, I feel like superwoman. Also, sometimes I feel bad for SAHMs when I consider how they are at the mercy of their spouse’s income; other times I envy them for being able to take their kids to reading circle at the library every Tuesday and Thursday. Sometimes I feel all of these all at once. Your drunk friend probably does too. I would chalk up her comment to nothing more than having had too much truth serum.
anon says
OP, I completely hear you. I am one of the few women on my street who work; I am definitely the only one who manages people and has a so-called “big job.” There are times when I feel really left out of the mom scene and it sucks, no doubt. I would feel awful if someone basically confirmed it, as your neighbor not-so-eloquently did.
Pogo says
I joined a local moms group that consists of mostly SAHMs. I use it for what it’s good for – recommendations for playgrounds and kid-friendly restaurants, local fairs or events to take the kids to, etc. I don’t expect them to be my bffs or to understand what my life is like, although I get a sense from their comments they have more of a “wow, I have no idea how you do it” vibe towards me as opposed to a “we feel bad for you” vibe.
Anon working mom says
I have a similar group that is mostly over email and I take the recommendations I find valuable, occasionally contribute my own and sort of leave the rest. There is sometimes a whiff of the “i could never leave my kids with strangers” here and there but whatever. I am not meant to be a stay at home mom. As to getting it all done…I am actually more productive at work and at home since having my kids. You use every bit of time and I simply do not have the ability to procrastinate most stuff. Sure I suffer for lack of me time but I think those moms do too.
Anonanonanon says
I usually bluntly say “Trust me, it’s easier than being a SAHM was for me, and what can I say- I like money and I like bossing people around!” and laugh. Obviously my reasons for working are much deeper than that, but I like to keep it light. People either find it funny (yay! We’re friends!) or look horrified (Fine! I won’t invite you out for drinks!)
Also try watching the 30Rock episodes where Liz Lemon gets suspended from work and enjoys days of yoga and smoothies and it turns out not to be as rosy as she thought
RR says
I suspect there’s a little bit of envy there too from these women. The grass is always greener… It’s a human trait to need to justify your choices. You have something these women don’t have (or at least this one–the others might not feel the same way)–contentment with your choices. Socialize with them to the extent you want, but otherwise enjoy your life.
Anonymous says
Why is finding a tribe so damn hard? Hugs.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I’m sorry. Having a community of like-minded people is so important, especially in stressful parenting part of your life. I think you know that her comment was more about her and justifying her decisions in life because there are pros and cons to every choice in life. Yes, these women have more time for lunches and tennis and volunteering. Unless they have family money, they are also dependent on their husbands and are very vulnerable to something going wrong. Which makes their kids pretty vulnerable too. They are showing their kids that dads are the only ones who get careers and moms have to stay home (yes, yes, I know lots of daughters of SAHMs grow up to work, but there’s often more conflict there). It’s not all sunshine and roses on either end.
I really like this board because we all generally seem to be in the same place and can provide support, even if we’re not geographically in the same space.
Anony says
Sounds like you are all very lucky and living great lives. Don’t take the comment personally. She was probably just trying to acknowledge differences in the only way she knew how. It’s ok to work through these things with people and laugh it off or acknowledge to yourself that, yes, some days the grass looks greener on the other side but you do what you do for good reasons.
Anon says
There was a comment the other day over on the main s*te from a woman in her 50s who has watched a lot of high-earning men leave their SAHM/part-time working wives, and then watched those wives scrambling to find work and a way to retire. I think she said that all but one of the women she knows in that situation ended up divorced.
Over at AAM, Alison recently linked to a 2013 NYT (I think NYT, maybe WaPo) article about women who “leaned out” during the aughts and then needed to go back to work, and how many of them loved their decision at the time and profoundly regretted it later.
That doesn’t mean that things won’t work out for Mrs. In Her Cups, but if things go downhill in a one-income marriage, they REALLY go downhill. And they tend to go downhill, sadly, when it’s far too late to fix things (i.e. if you stop working at age 28 and your husband leaves you at age 32, you can recover and be in a great job for 25 years; if you stop working at 28 and your husband leaves you at 52, you’re up the creek without a paddle).
Anony says
Why do we have to look down on other women’s choices to feel good about our own? Let’s hope these women do not end up unemployed and divorced.
Anon says
I think you missed the point.
anon says
Ooh I want to find that article! Anyone have a way to track it down?
Anon says
“The Opt-Out Generation Wants Back In
By Judith Warner”
NYT.
Found it!
anon says
Thanks!
EB0220 says
I’m not usually snippy but this kind of comment raises my hackles. If I’m trying to be nice I’ll just say that I love working because I can drink my coffee in peace at least 5 days a week or I enjoy my career or whatever. If I’m feeling grumpier about it, I’ll say that I like working because I know I can still pay the bills even if my husband dies/we get divorced. That tends to shut down the conversation so…I use it infrequently.
Anon says
Yeah, I’m always tempted to respond with “How good is your husband’s life insurance and long-term disability insurance, and how airtight is the prenup giving you the lion’s share of the assets in a divorce?” But I don’t, because my inside voice stays on the inside.
Anon says
Commiserating with you. I work a reduced schedule but we recently started at a preschool with high SAHM contingent. I like working and I think it’s the best decision for our family, but it’s tough to sometimes look at those other moms and wonder if and how my life would be better/easier if I didn’t work. Would I have more mom friends? Would we eat healthier, more well-rounded meals as a family? Would I be less stressed and thus able to focus more on my child, who would benefit from that?
I really think it’s a “ghost ship” (thanks, Cheryl Strayed) thing for me, and that’s hard to grapple with sometimes. I’m confident that working is the right thing most of the time, but it’s hard never to wonder “what if”.
GCA says
From the discussion here and other conversations, I suspect everyone has these ‘grass is greener’ moments – regardless of whether you’re a SAHM or work part-time or full-time outside the home. Do I wish I could have some mental energy back to only worry about my family and not whether Client X is going to get their report on time or what Client Y thinks of our proposal? For sure. (But I also enjoy the satisfying feeling of delivering a well-done report!) And I know my SAHM friends also have these moments of dissatisfaction. Some are looking at ways to get back into paid work. Others find ways to explore and regain an identity beyond ‘mom’, no matter how important or central being a mom is to them. Never feel guilty for wanting to use your talents and skills to change the world or to change people’s lives beyond your immediate family.
Anon says
Anonymous at 10:05 – can’t you hear the exhaustion in Irish Midori’s words? She’s tired and needs a break.
Anonymous says
But she can’t have a break. None of us can. I’m sorry but that’s the impossible reality of motherhood. Punishing her child won’t help anything at all.
Anonymous says
She can make her child take a break, though.
So Anon says
A hard nope to this. She may not be able to take a 15 day vacation to the Alps, but we can all take a step away and take a deep breath. We can all say “I’m going to let things slide for a night,” and eat pizza on the couch with our kids and forget about what happened during the day, knowing that things will still be there tomorrow.
Irish Midori – All the hugs. This parenting thing is so freaking hard. I wish we could step through the computer to give you a hug, take you out for a glass of your favorite beverage (whether that’s coffee or wine), and let you vent. We all need support. You and your kiddo will be ok. You will make it through this and figure it out. You’ve got this.
Irish Midori says
Thank you. Really. I’m tearing up over hear. I needed that.
AnotherAnon says
+1 reading this post I though “man I have no advice but what your family is going through seems so hard.” Hugs.
Spirograph says
+a million to So Anon.
Irish Midori, something a friend said, when I was similarly venting about my kid getting sent to the principal’s office yet again, helped me, so offering it in case it helps you too: What can you actually DO, though? You can’t control outcomes. There are things about your kid that you are not able to control or change. You’re doing your best, and I’m telling you that I see it and it’s OK if it doesn’t work out perfectly this time, because I know you’ll keep doing your best.
All the hugs.
Anon. says
Really? None of us can have a break? Wow.
IHeartBacon says
“But she can’t have a break. None of us can. I’m sorry but that’s the impossible reality of motherhood.”
This is just not true. Not taking a break will lead to burn out. This is true for all types of work. Irish may not be able to take a 2 week vacation, but she can (and should) definitely take a break.
RR says
Okay, that’s ridiculous. Moms can take a break. Moms can take a minute to anonymously vent on the internet. With those kinds of attitudes, no wonder we are all near a breaking point.
I have zero patience for these kinds of judgmental posts. I see no indication that you have any idea what she’s going through, any actual experience with a similar child, any expertise that would allow you to sit in judgment. But here you are. Because it makes you feel like however your child turned out is 100% due to your stellar parenting and not due to their personality. Stop judging other moms. Tearing other people down does not make you better.
Anonymous says
I’m not. I’m providing my advice. Just like you did.
RR says
Literally nothing about your statement was advice.
rosie says
I don’t see the appeal of this plate. Is it really childproof if you just have to push it for it to pop open? And if you only need to use one outlet, you’ve got other outlets now exposed. I like the plates that you have to slide to line up the holes for the plate with the outlet itself. Easy to use, and feels more secure to me (plus cheaper).
Lyssa says
Newer outlets actually have the childproofing built in – not sure how exactly, but the holes are supposed to be designed so that children can’t stick things in them. (Very convenient to not have to deal with the safety plugs!)
So Anon says
But man is it frustrating when it is near impossible to plug the phone charger in!
Nan says
Yes, I thought the same thing!
Minnie says
I know I’m overthinking this, but I need pants to wear to the Florida house-of-mouse. We’re going at a time where it might be too chilly for bare legs (at least for me), but jeans just seem too . . . I don’t know, heavy? I’ve never been able to get comfortable with the leggings as pants look – I always worry too much about coverage and shirt length. I know joggers are really trendy, but I just can’t seem to get past the idea that they’re still just sweatpants.
So, I need a pair of inexpensive, casual, comfortable, real pants with pockets. Any suggestions?
RR says
What about the options at Athleta that look like pants but are athletic fabric? I can’t remember what they are called.
RR says
Bettona was the style I was thinking of, but they have all kinds of options (including jeans that are probably super stretchy and lightweight).
Anonanonanon says
^This. I have some that are black skinny pants but water rolls off of them etc. Highly recommend. I wear them for work/life situations where I’m likely to get dirty (sometimes I’m “out in the field” for work) Very comfortable without sacrificing my idea of fashion.
Anonanonanon says
Mine are the wander stash skinny pant apparently
Anonymous says
You need leggings. Don’t fight it.
Redux says
I would do a wide leg, tie-waist, summer-weight pant with pockets– and bonus: so many on sale at this time of year!
e.g.
https://www.loft.com/lou-&-grey-tie-waist-linen-pants/496157?selectedColor=0292
anon says
Outdoor Voices sweatpants have pockets and kind of look like real pants and are very comfortable. Go for the dark grey color. You could also try lululemon’s on the fly pants, which also look very pant-like. Have fun!
anon says
My friend recently broker her leg and won’t be able to drive, she’s a SAHM with two under 4. Other than meal delivery what else would be helpful for her? I live out of state, so sending something or paying for grocery delivery is all I can think of.
Anon says
Does she have a housekeeper or could you pay for a cleaning session? I suspect she’s not cleaning the house with a broken leg. Also some “sit still” activities for the kids might be fun – new coloring books, remote control toddler cars, etc. – toys she can play with them but not have to be up and about.
ElisaR says
food. I have used spoonful of comfort and honey baked ham company and a local ravioli shop that ships their stuff on dry ice. maybe some magazines if you’re up for composing a care package. crap ones like us weekly and people. ok people isn’t total crap man i love reading that once in awhile.
anon says
Thank you both! These are exactly the things I didn’t think of.
Christmas presents says
Anyone thinking about Christmas present ideas yet? This pop-out outlet is going on the list for my husband! Here’s what I have so far, would love other ideas!
Husband: candle that smells like space, MLB gear, mesh wifi, sweaters, new sunglasses, socks, event tickets
Me: One line a day journal to record funny things the kids say, drying rack for delicate laundry, fancy body lotion, fancy tea
Kids (1 and 3): costume jewelry, books, stickers, duplo, magnets
Redux says
Um, what is a candle that smells like space? Link please!
Anonymous says
https://shop.coolmaterial.com/products/space-candle
Anon says
awesome.
Anonymous says
What exactly does space smell like? I would imagine the vacuum of space smells pretty much like nothing (how many particles are really floating around?), and the inside of a spacecraft smells like a locker room.
SC says
Astronaut Scott Kelly says it smells like burning metal.
“It smells different to different people. Some people say it smells sweet. To me it smells like burnt metal, like if you took a blowtorch to some steel or something. Maybe like welding or sparklers? On like the Fourth of July? A very distinct smell. We need to get some sparklers to check it out because I haven’t smelled a sparkler in a while.
I need to do research a little bit on it, but clearly it’s not the smell of nothing, because nothing wouldn’t have a smell. But it’s the smell of whatever the materials are on the outside of the space station that are in vacuum, exposed to the sun. Some people say it’s the smell of atomic oxygen, which is O instead of O2. I guess there’s atomic oxygen in small quantities outside the space station. I personally just think it’s off-gassing of the stuff that’s exposed to vacuum for long periods of time.”
avocado says
OMG, my space nerd household must have this candle.
GCA says
this is going to sound like the most depressing list ever, but we’re moving within the same metro area and will be without husband’s income (PhD stipend) for a few months…
Husband who is going on academic job market in the coming year: gift cards for new business-casual/ dress clothing; Stojo collapsible cup; event tickets
Me: I really need a new laptop for work, kid 2 will graduate to a twin bed/ floor bed, both kids need sheets
Kids (1 and 4): dress-up clothes, books
SC says
FWIW, that doesn’t seem like a depressing list at all!
Your husband gets to pick out new clothes and look sharp for his new job! Event tickets are a great gift and recommended around here all the time. I had to g**gle the Stojo collapsible cup, but it looks cool.
You’re about to have an exciting move! Kid 2 is growing up and is getting a new bed! Both kids get new fun sheets for their new beds! (They don’t have to be expensive to be fun–favorite color or generic print is fine.) Dress-up clothes and books are great!
You get a new laptop! Throw in a small thing for yourself, and you’re done.
GCA says
aw, thank you! In a busy season, looking ahead to a bunch of life changes, and thoroughly exhausted from being primary breadwinner, and that nearly made me tear up. (The small thing might be… a candle that smells like space. PS: further space-nerd moment: I recently ghostwrote remarks for the current ISS commander that will be delivered by video at a conference!)
Anonanonanon says
My husband and I just do a stocking for eachother. It’s fun to find things that will fit in there, but we’re also not hesitant to directly ask for what we want in there. This year I would like:
-Some gold layering necklaces (I’ve been loving layering different-length necklaces with t-shirts and blazers on the weekend)
-New card holder
-Tile Slim (have to see if it will fit in the card holder I prefer)
-Some kind of luxury travel accessory I haven’t decided on (something like a cashmere blanket scarf? fancy folio for my tickets and ID?)
help with good problem says
I’m having a professional dilemma – maybe this should be on the main board, but I’m a mom and I think that plays in here!
I’ve been in a good-for-now job for about two years. I recently applied for and got a second round interview to be a director of legal elsewhere (right now I’m in an individual contributor role). Job would be a promotion – but with higher stress due to greater responsibility and a worse but not terrible commute. I’m not sure another opportunity like this will come around… ever. I work in a small field. Employer is well-known and this could lead to interesting non-professional opportunities as well. They’ve had recent turnover that seems innocent but still makes me a bit nervous.
Separately, I just got told that I’ve been poached by an affiliate whom I’ve been doing work for and enjoying that work. Lifestyle is much more cushy (like they role in at 10 and out at 4:30 regularly), there would be a pay increase, and they are super nice. It’s what I’d been hoping would happen for a couple months. I’ll have a nice office, etc.
I really haven’t liked the culture at my current job and I like the culture at the affiliate. This outside opportunity is objectively really good, but it’s a bit more of an unknown. Plus, I am supposed to be evincing enthusiasm for my new role. I feel like a hypocrite telling them I’m so excited to be joining them when I have an interview elsewhere (this week!) This all happened at the same time.
Not sure if I explained this well but basically thoughts on handling an internal exciting promotion versus an outside exciting opportunity? I also have three kids under 5 (I posted above) so I’m reluctant to go somewhere where I’m increasing my stress and have a slightly worse commute!
Pogo says
Definitely still go for the interview. Give it a try – you never know, you might not even get it, you might hate the people once you talk to them more (grill them about the turnover, and feel free to reach out to the ex-employees to get their side, too). If you don’t try for it, you’ll never know if you missed an awesome opportunity.
Don’t worry about being a hypocrite. It’s business, not personal. They’ll survive if you take this other role.
So Anon says
Agree! Go for the interview and see what you think afterwards. You can only gain information by going on the interview – whichever way it leads.
Anonanonanon says
I’m freaking out.
I submitted an abstract to a national conference forever ago and it got accepted (yay!) and my presentation is due TOMORROW (no!) and I have so much writer’s block. I’ve been trying to do it all week and it’s not happening. I’m freaking out. I just keep staring at it thinking everything I’m going to say is obvious or stupid or maybe it’s not the experience of everyone else there and I’m wrong and don’t know what I’m talking about. I don’t need to take a break, I’m teleworking today and already made myself a fancy coffee and took a stress nap from 8 AM to 830 AM(my body was basically like ESCAPE CONSCIOUSNESS NOW) and it’s 1030 and I’ve made no demonstrable progress. I’m normally a highly productive energizer bunny so this is bad, real bad.
Anon says
Hi I write for a living and deal with writer’s block all the time. Just start writing, even if you’re sure everything you’re writing is obvious and silly. Turning a bad draft into a good draft is a lot easier than putting a perfect draft down on paper straight from your mind.
Anonymous says
+1 – make your goal to write a sh*tty first draft. Not a good one, just a draft.
Anon says
+100
IHeartBacon says
+1.
Also, are you going to be orally presenting as well? If so, instead of writing, just stand up in your room and start talking out loud about your topic. I do this when I get writer’s block to just see where my mind and mouth take me.
RR says
Just do the title slide. And after that do the section header slides. And then just do one slide, then another, then another.
I find it helpful to think about what is really the worst case scenario–I say something wrong and someone thinks I’m stupid and points it out. I’ve actually had that happen. I said a new rule went in effect one year, when it was another year. Someone called me out. It turns out I didn’t look dumb–he looked like a jerk. It was no big deal.
I go to and plan a lot of conferences. At most, there will be one or two people in the room who know more about the subject of your presentation than you, and they aren’t going to heckle you. They are just going to sit there and feel superior, and everyone else is going to learn something because they are not experts in the subject of your presentation.
Anonanonanon says
Thank you. I’ve done the title slides and word vomited below the titles, so I have a start. It’s just turning the word vomit into bullet points. I know it will happen, I always pull it off in the end, BUT WHAT IF THIS IS THE ONE TIME I DON’T OMG
Also, you’re right about whoever pointed that out. I would be rolling my eyes and thinking to myself “does it MATTER” if someone else in the audience did that.
Pogo says
You have the abstract, so start by taking sentences from the abstract and expanding on them. They accepted the abstract because they thought what you had to say was valuable, so remind yourself of that.
I do presentations all the time (internally) where I get called out. You can’t always anticipate every single thing someone is going to think of when you speak. I find larger conference audiences tend to be more chill about the piling on – that’s when it gets hairy as a presenter. One guy asking a pedantic question that you don’t know the answer to shouldn’t derail you.
Plus you probably have more time between when the slides are due and you actually have to present, right?
Anonanonanon says
Oooo the abstract tip is a good one. Thank you!!
Anonanonanon says
Update (in case it helps anyone in the future):
I decided to just stand up in my living room with the laptop open in front of me and talk as if I was giving the presentation. It helped me re-order the slides in a way that will flow better and I’m finally working on getting bullet points down based on what I repeat every time I’m presenting to the coffee table. thank you all for the support!
ElisaR says
good luck with the presentation!
Pogo says
We’ve all been there – good luck!
IHeartBacon says
Ha! I just posted this suggestion! :)
Anon says
I’m moving next week and could use some help knowing what to do to prepare. Movers will be packing us for the most part, but I’d like to do some prep work/pee-packing so that we don’t have to pay for more than 4 hours of packing (3 packers, largish 2 BR condo FWIW). Last time I moved I had no kids and now am having some sort of mom-amnesia. I know I should get rid of anything I don’t want. Any other tips?
Anon says
(Laughing at my pee-packing typo…honestly it’s not out of the question with a 1-year-old haha)
Anon. says
Most movers will leave drawers in dressers and just plastic wrap and move full. To the extent you have drawers (dressers? end tables? night stands?) with extra space, consider filling to the brim with non-breakables (towels, sheets, clothing that is currently on shelves).
Make sure everything is in its ‘home’ – the more organized you are generally, the faster both the packing and unpacking. And you’re not finding kitchen utensils when you unpack the bathroom.
If you really want to save mover time, move all the knick-knacks or decorative items to a central location. This contradicts the above ‘home’ comment, but I often rearrange these things after moving anyways and/or they are the last things to be unpacked so less concern here for organization.
LittleBigLaw says
Preschool DD’s teacher emailed and apparently she called a classmate over to “come look” at her in the bathroom stall at school. I know this is pretty normal behavior for her age, and it sounds like the school handled it appropriately. We’ve talked generally with her before about privacy in the restroom, although we’re pretty open as a family, and it’s clear we need to have some more focused conversations about bodies, safety, and privacy. Any recommendations for books that we can read with her or other resources?
Anonymous says
Do you really need extra resources? It’s fine to just remind her that ‘we don’t ask friends to look at our private parts’.
Daycares are always cautious about ensuring that parents get a report about anything private part related so there is no confusion/suspicion.
Anon says
This. I don’t think you need to do anything here, they’re very over-cautious about reporting this stuff and would tell you if they wanted you to do anything.
Anon says
Agreed. Just remind her of this, and if you need to, discuss that a parent or a doctor is the only one who should be looking at private parts.
Anonanonanon says
Thank you. I’ve done the title slides and word vomited below the titles, so I have a start. It’s just turning the word vomit into bullet points. I know it will happen, I always pull it off in the end, BUT WHAT IF THIS IS THE ONE TIME I DON’T OMG
Also, you’re right about whoever pointed that out. I would be rolling my eyes and thinking to myself “does it MATTER” if someone else in the audience did that.
Anonymous says
Going anon for this for obvious reasons. I posted maybe a year ago about my sister’s boyfriend who we had recently found out molested her daughter when she was two years old. At the time, I was just posting to get support for how to handle being around my sister, who had known about the molestation for over a year (she witnessed it herself) before she told any of us, but had continued to bring the boyfriend around our two young daughters when we visited my parents, not to mention having him around her own daughter all the time.
The boyfriend’s story was that he was asleep and/or on pain medication when he molested my niece. My sister originally accepted that excuse and kept it a secret from us until a year or two later, when she thought the boyfriend had molested my niece again based on something she said. My sister and/or parents reported him to social services, there was an investigation, and the conclusion was that the second alleged incident didn’t occur. As for the first incident, which the boyfriend admitted, I’m not sure what happened with social services; maybe they dropped it because my sister didn’t want to press charges. At the time, I wasn’t that worried about that because my sister had left the boyfriend (who is not my niece’s father), and everyone in my family was on the same page that he had to be cut out of all of our lives.
Over the last few months, I have learned from my parents that my sister and the boyfriend have made up, and she and my niece have MOVED BACK IN WITH HIM. (My sister and I already had a very fraught and superficial relationship (see: exposing our children to a pedophile), and she and I have not discussed this.) At first my parents were opposed to this, wouldn’t let him come to their house, etc., and they seemed to agree with me that my niece absolutely should not be around him. But apparently, over time, the boyfriend has gotten back in good graces even with my parents. And my mother just told me this week that the boyfriend is invited to Christmas dinner.
I said our family couldn’t visit while the boyfriend was at their house or might show up. I asked them to please just set aside the few days we would be there that the boyfriend wouldn’t be allowed to come to their house. My parents said no. My mother’s line is that the boyfriend should be forgiven, while my father’s motivation is avoiding upsetting my sister, who has bipolar disorder, for which she has been hospitalized multiple times. She is “fragile,” whereas I am “normal” and can handle it, according to my father. I flat-out told him it was unacceptable that they were prioritizing my sister’s mental health over my niece’s safety and that they needed to stop enabling my sister’s relationship with a pedophile. I think my father understands my perspective and just doesn’t know what else to do, but my mother thinks I’m being unreasonable and blames me for family disharmony.
Can I get some support here? It’s OK for me to say that my family, with our two young daughters, is not going to visit under these circumstances, right? I don’t even think we can plan to visit and leave the house temporarily when my sister and her boyfriend and my niece show up, because then our daughters will have absolute meltdowns that they have to leave as soon as their cousin arrives. Not only would that make me feel terrible, but it would also feed right into my mom’s narrative that I’m the one causing all the problems.
anon as well says
As someone who witnessed this type of situation as a child (and eventually suffered abuse as a result), you are 10000% in the right. I don’t know why we cannot believe victims of abuse, even when they are children. Especially when they are children.
I’m so sorry for what you are going through.
Anonymous says
Oh 100%. Do not visit, tell them you aren’t going to, and make your own plans.
Anonymous says
You are 100% correct. I’m so sorry this is happening.
LittleBigLaw says
You absolutely can’t go at all. I’m so sorry this is happening. Given your sister’s mental health, it’s even more awful that your parents aren’t concerned for your niece’s safety. Regardless, you can’t let your own children be around this person.
LittleBigLaw says
Also, coming back to add that if you did agree to go, you would be sending a message to your parents that there is some grey area to the situation and that it is possible to accommodate your sister’s poor choices. By going along with this in any way, I think your parents would feel at least somewhat validated in their belief that they can continue to “support” your sister by letting him come around. Don’t do that.
Anon says
It’s not only ok for you to not go, it’s essential. There’s no way I would have my children anywhere near a confessed child molester. I’m so sorry for this situation and so sorry your mom is being so unreasonable.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Yes, you have every right and reason not to go. You need to protect your immediate family first and foremost and this sounds serious.
I am not sure if there is a way to get through to your parents. They likely have their own complicated feelings about their daughter (your sister) and her choices. I think the best you can do going forward is to help your niece out by letting your family be an outlet for her and showing her that this abuse is not acceptable.
I’m so sorry.
Buble says
Oh my god, never have your children in a house with this man, ever. Ever ever ever. Full stop. Ever. If he ever shows up somewhere you are, leave. I know you know all this, but just reinforcing that you are doing the right thing, there is no ambiguity, there is no “other side,” there is no argument to be made, there is no forgiveness. Ever. Ever ever ever. I’m so sad for the little girl he has already victimized and likely future victims to come. You are obviously completely correct to make sure your children are never one of them.
Anonymous says
Don’t go! And maybe call RAINN to see if there is anything you can do or anyway you can support your niece.
Anonanonanon says
Read some captain awkward posts for tips on dealing with this, she has sooooo many good responses and scripts for situations where the family is like “can’t we all just get alooooooong with each other and ignore the (racist, pedophile, etc.)?”
Also, you have to to protect your children. Frankly, I’d judge you if you DID go there with your kids! You can’t bring your children around a self-confessed child molester!! From where I sit, you literally have no other choice. I’m so sorry your parents and sister have put you in this position.
SC says
You are 100% correct. You cannot go. Your parents are being unreasonable and asking you to put your children in harm’s way. It’s not about “forgiving” this man (not that you have to), it’s about your children’s safety.
I once got support here for a completely different but unsafe situation at my in-laws’ house. People said then that your #1 job as a parent is to keep your kids safe. That mentality helped me through all the conflict and guilt tripping and eye rolling.
RR says
Yes, you can absolutely not take your kids around this person. You can’t force your parents to agree with you and act reasonably, but you can make the choices that are right for your family and your children. 100% support from this internet stranger.
anon says
I agree with all the others—your priority must be keeping your children safe. That means you can’t take them to your parents’ house if they’re going to invite a child molester.
If there’s any way you can help your niece (inviting her to come visit you? regular facetime or letters?), please do that as well. She needs trusted adults in her corner. I would also try to find out if the move is something that child services would care to know about.
You can’t fix the poor choices your parents and sister are making, but you can make good choices for your kids.
Anon says
This is horrible.
Forgiveness DOES NOT MEAN EXPOSING YOURSELF OR OTHERS TO THE ABUSE AGAIN. Sorry, shouting, but it’s one of the most important issues out there. Rachael Denhollander forgave Larry Nassar – as she was reading victim impact statements to have him put away in jail for a long, long time.
This is awful. Your niece’s needs are the most important needs, as she is the child, and her needs certainly trump adult “wants.”
Anonymous says
You are absolutely in the right. So this really is a (sadly) great example of how pedophiles not only groom children but also their parents and families. He has charmed his way back into your sister and parents lives. Never be around this man.
OP says
This is such a wonderful community. I can’t even express how much I appreciate your support. I’m so sorry and my heart goes out to those of you who personally experienced abuse.
Anon says
“Family harmony” is an impossibility. Your parents want the appearance of family harmony. They know it’s a lie. I have nothing to offer except you’re right to keep your kids away from this man, and I wish you could keep your niece away from him too. I want to keep her away from him and I don’t even know any of you. Just remember not to isolate your niece. She needs you. Call her, invite her to visit you. My heart breaks for her and you.
Anon says
Abuse survivor here, and this is 100% correct. The lie of “family harmony” was kept up for years because I was so used to taking the abuse and keeping my mouth shut that I… just continued to keep my mouth shut into adulthood. But I’m now estranged from almost my entire family and DGAF.
Family harmony is destroyed when one person brings that level of harm to another. At that point, you’re deciding who to be harmonious with, not figuring out how to make everyone live in peace.
Anonymous says
As someone who used to work in child protection law, you are 100% right to keep this guy away from your kids. Children are most likely to be abused by someone that you know. The most common abusers of young children are non-parental males in the child’s own home (e.g. most often stepfathers). I’m shocked that social services didn’t take action here. In my jurisdiction, there would not have been criminal charges likely in this scenario but children can be removed even without criminal charges and the mom would likely have been warned not to allow the boyfriend around her child anymore. I know for sure we have removed from non-protective parents in those scenarios.
Please continue to be there for your niece. The fact that she has disclosed and was not believed makes her less likely to disclose to her mom in the future. You can invite her to outings with your family to continue the relationship.
Anon says
Is your niece’s biological father involved? Is there any other adult other than your sister who could pull the plug on this situation? I’m so scared for your niece. Through my work, I know many people who have been abused as children and it’s incredibly hard to heal. Just based on what you said here, and how hard the guy worked to get back in to good graces with your sister, tells me that he’s probably continuing the abuse.
And you are 100% right to keep your own kids away and continue to express to your parents and sister how serious this situation is.
So Anon says
I think your thoughts and instincts are 100% right. Keeping you children safe is your highest priority. I also want to say that your family’s choices have placed you in a tough spot and dynamic. You are doing the hard right thing by drawing a firm boundary.
IHeartBacon says
Your post really boils down to one questions, which is: “Am I right to keep my children away from a pedophile?”
The answer is yes.
To h*ll with all the rest.
Anon says
Nope, nope, nope. Keep your children away from this man at all costs.
CCLA says
We escaped the terrible twos but since DD turned 3 a few weeks ago it’s like a switch flipped and she throws the biggest tantrums (see for instance this morning where I had to carry her screaming to the car because we had to go and she was mid-fit, which I would normally let her work out in her room). It seems to be tied to any time she doesn’t get what she wants (yeah, obv). This morning she wanted and didn’t get honey. Sometimes she is startlingly self aware, noting that she has big emotions and needs a hug or time to cry or something. We praise that awareness and give her hug, etc. Others it seems there is no way to calm her down other than letting it pass. DH and I have just started reading how to talk so little kids will listen. We work on taking a deep breath and counting a la Daniel tiger. Any other recs for this age? Assurance this is typical?
ElisaR says
i’m useless today – i don’t have any advice but I will say it’s totally normal! Terrible twos is just alliteration. 3 is a much harder year. My guy will turn 4 in the spring and I’m counting down the days……
Boston Legal Eagle says
Totally, completely normal, at least per my sample size of my older son and friends’ kids. Their emotions are huge and irrational, and it’s hard not to let them faze how you feel. For our older son, his 3 year old tantrums have been less frequent in number than 2s, but more intense with a lot of screaming, yelling and tears. He can name his emotions a lot better now, and we just repeat that while it’s ok to be sad, angry and cry, it’s not ok to hurt others physically.
I think the Whole Brain Child had some good advice for these heated moments – when the kids are experiencing these intense emotions, it’s hard to get through to them with rational words. Most of what they need is to get through it, and physical comfort.
I will say that 3.5 has been a gradual turning point for our son. He reacts less frequently and his language is so much more advanced.
Anon says
mine are still little, but apparently 3 year olds are now referred to as threenagers..
mahnamahna says
terrible twos is a total lie. 2 year olds are a delight! my kids were much harder at 3 and 4. my 4.5 year old has been going through a major “not a baby, not yet a big girl” thing for a while now that makes me truly terrified for her hormonal preteen and teen years. eesh.
CCLA says
yeah, she was (and still often is, but whoa those tantrums) a delight for the last couple of years. this is entirely new territory. at least glad to hear i’m not alone.
Anonymous says
Yes. My youngest is 3, and while he is far and away my most cheerful, easygoing kid, when he flips he FLIPS. 2 year olds are my favorite age so far. They aren’t smart enough to be truly awful, yet, and they have extremely short memories. Balanced against peak adorableness in speech and mannerisms, and unrestrained enthusiasm and love whenever they’re happy, I don’t know who ever came up with the “terrible” thing.
OP you’ve got this, but you don’t always win against a 3 year old, even when you do everything right.
Anonymous says
I’ve been told there’s a rough period for all kids sometime between 2.5 and 3.5, so you get both “terrible twos” and “threenagers”. Mine hit it around 2.75, whereas some friends with slightly older kids still have angels.