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Anonanonanon says
My favorite theory tshirts have sleeves that length and they’re perfect for wearing under things for work. It feels a bit more put together when you take off your blazer and have elbow length sleeves than a true t-shirt.
Anonymous says
I love this sleeve length if its a fairly slim sleeve.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
I very gently and kindly ask for no flaming, I know this approach isn’t what others would take but our area is pretty much back to normal, right or wrong, so we’re balancing that reality/expectations with our situation.
Reporting from COVID exposure day #4. DH caught it while at a work retreat. We were all exposed Saturday, he’s been masked/isolating since Sunday, and will re-test again today. So far the rest of us have no symptoms….well the 17-month-old is a bit snotty but not sure if that’s new or not. School requires a negative rapid test from a clinic for return back, so fingers crossed tomorrow we’re back to normal operations; I plan to get the test en route to school and wait in the drugstore parking lot for results. DS #1 is terrified of COVID testing (it was easier when he was 2 than 4), so tips welcome as I’ll likely do a rapid at home and then have to administer at the clinic.
FYI – DH never had a fever, but had loss of appetite, crazy fatigue, night sweats, etc.
Anon says
Get PCR tests. They’re more sensitive so more likely to pick up an infection so you can isolate it within your family.
Use a rapid test on the snotty 17 month old right now. It only takes a few minutes at home.
Anon says
On the plus side of PCR testing, if you get a positive PCR on your asymptomatic kid today then you can start quarantine sooner. If they pop a fever on Thursday or Friday or Saturday, then you start quarantine 1-3 days later.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
I agree re PCR tests, but school requires a negative rapid with documentation from the clinic, so that’s what we’ll do. I will rapid test them at home beforehand.
I’ve already told DH he should go get a PCR and his response was “Well if the rapid was enough to have me isolate, shouldn’t it be enough to confirm I’m fine?”, and I told him he was wrong but that I’m too wiped out from work/handling kids/not sleeping in my bed this week to argue.
anon says
I don’t understand. Why does your DH need a PCR? There’s no reason for him to get one now.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
To confirm he’s negative? Am I thinking about this wrong?
HSAL says
You can test positive on a PCR for a long time, even weeks after you’re no longer contagious.
anon says
Yes. You can stay positive on a PCR test for months.
You can use a rapid antigen test to help track infectiousness. He should continue to quarantine as long as the rapid tests are positive. He can stop quarantining, but should continue to wear a mask for the full 10 days even once testing negative on a rapid test.
Anon says
Yes, you are thinking about this wrong. It is generally known and accepted that you can test positive on a PCR for months as others noted and you do not/can not quarantine that whole time. Rapids should indicate if actually still contagious or not and are what is used to determine when your quarantine can reasonably end.
PCR is useful in the beginning as noted as you can start quarantine clock earlier, which in your case you want to do as your family is already on some level quarantined and you want to cluster as much as possible for your sanity. Your DH doesn’t need a PCR as that ship has already sailed for him, his quarantine is based on his rapid.
Anon says
Yes, thinking about this wrong. Can be positive on a PCR for a long time. I’d also go ahead and rapid test kids daily – it’s quick and easy and you can start your countdown faster if they have it. I don’t know why you wouldn’t.
Anonymous says
From what I have read rapids are very useful for determining when you are no longer infectious. They can lag behind PCRs in showing infections at the beginning, but once you start testing positive they are reliable. So I think he’s right.
anon says
This is why you and the kids need a PCR. You can be positive, contagious, and symptomatic for 1-3 days before testing positive on a rapid test. You need to get PCR tests to find out if you’ve caught it from your husband.
If you can go get PCR tests this afternoon for your own peace of mind. That way you’ll know if your husband needs to keep isolating and if the kids will be able to go back to school this week.
Anonymous says
Yes, I’d use PCR for the exposed but not symptomatic people to try to catch infectiousness earlier, and rapid for the confirmed infected people to try to assess when it’s safe to end isolation.
Spirograph says
For covid test techniques– I hope they do let you administer it at the clinic; anecdata, but the techs at drugstores are the most aggressive testers I’ve encountered. Try letting your son hold the Q-tip with you, and count the swirls out loud. Also bribes for being cooperative are sometimes effective. I hope your husband feels better, and fingers crossed everyone else is & stays healthy!
Side note, make sure you tell the tech that you’re on your way to school and appreciate him/her loading the results quickly — I had a very stressful experience where they didn’t put the result in the system correctly and didn’t call or text and blah blah blah, and it was about to keep me from going on vacation. If you’re still in the parking lot, at least you’ll be able to walk right back in and follow up. I literally screamed (not at anyone, just home alone, into the void) in frustration after two days and several hours of trying to navigate CVS’s terrible automated phone systems.
anon says
Do you need to rapid test DS twice in a row? My kids also aren’t huge fans of testing, but are willing to do it once a day with a candy treat afterwards. I’d have a much harder time convincing the 4yo he needed to get tested two times in one morning, though, regardless of bribes.
Anonymous says
As far as tips…bribery. We take a special treat for kiddo (maybe a donut at that time of day?) for after, and it works well.
Anon says
Why are you testing the kid both at home and then again at the clinic?
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Because I need a documented COVID- via rapid to send them back to school. If they are + at home, no need to go the clinic.
Anon says
In your shoes I’d just do the clinic one. If it ends up being positive worst case is that you wasted a trip to get it done, but it doesn’t make your kid have two back-to-back tests.
Anon says
Yes exactly, and if your kid has a hard time with that test, doing it twice in a day will be a mess.
Anonymous says
+1 to doing it once. If you can, keep kids strapped in the carseat to minimize flailing and keep your hands free. I let my 3 y/o hold my phone and watch a video while I test her, then reward her afterwards.
Anonymous says
I don’t know what flaming you are worried about but I bribe with lollipops for Covid tests.
Anon says
+1 OP if it makes you feel better I was also confused about what in your post you will be flamed for?
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
I think many posters here are a lot more COVID-cautious (and nothing wrong with that – I’m sure if we lived somewhere where state leaders believed in science, we would also be in that boat) than we are, so I was trying to avoid any finger pointing/negativity, that’s all!
Anon says
I’m super Covid cautious compared to most here (we still wear masks and don’t do indoor dining) but not sure why i’d flame you? We accept the risk of Covid every time we leave the house. And it’s not even like your DH got Covid doing something fun, it was a work obligation.
Anon says
I’m in the Bay Area where we historically have tripped all over ourselves to prove how cautious we can be, and even at our school and super hippie summer camp our kids can go to both uninterrupted even if someone in the household has COVID as long as the kids mask, are symptom free, and testing negative. I just hope this helps your anxiety/view.
(My kids are also old enough to be vaxxed which is part of the requirements above, but I think at this point it is clear that does little from preventing transmission, so doesn’t really matter for the topic at hand re: flaming someone for going to work/school).
Anon says
Oh or do you mean getting flames because your DH went to a work
retreat? Also not something I think any reasonable person would think is particularly notable at this point, stuff like that is happening 100%.
Anon says
Can you let the 4 year old swab himself? That makes it a lot easier for my kid. We supervise to make sure she’s doing it well.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Thank you, all! This was helpful.
I have to take DS #2 to the ped anyway to get tested (my usual pharmacy drive-through options are for ages 2+, and I’d rather not deal with a new urgent care type system), so have an appointment for both boys to get tested tomorrow. I’ll probably grab a PCR appointment where I can find it today or tomorrow, and rapid test daily/monitor symptoms until Monday (10 days since exposure).
Anon says
Ugh. Baby has a fever so is spending the day with Grandma while we’re at work (Covid negative, low risk grandma). I’m so thankful we have family who can provide back up care like this and also so bummed/annoyed/sad/blah that we’re not the ones who can be there for her.
Anonymous says
First, I’m sorry. Second, it’s so beneficial for babies to have multiple adults in their lives who meet their needs. That’s what I tell myself when I’m feeling guilty.
OP says
Thank you!! It’s what I needed to hear this morning.
Boston Legal Eagle says
+100. We cannot and should not do this alone. It’s awesome that grandma is available to help out. My dad did the same when my kids were home from daycare (pre-Covid), and he still helps out by taking our oldest after school 2x a week.
CHL says
That is so true. My mom watched my son two days a week when he was a baby and now on sick days and they are so close! It is a special relationship.
anon says
It’s hard with a baby, but as someone with older kids, they absolutely adore sick days at home with grandparents. They spend the day feeling dotted on and loved. Who else would color and play board games with them for hours on end?
Anon says
i think i’m missing the problem here. your baby has mild illness and you have another loving adult who can care for baby so you don’t have to take off work
Sharing pregnancy news says
Quick gut check.
I’m pregnant with #2 after a successful FET. 9 weeks, and will announce at work once I’m out of the first trimester and we have NIPT back (since we’ll find out sex then). Did the same thing with first pregnancy.
I’m mentoring a woman who is also going through IVF, but for different reasons, and she has low odds of it being successful. She’s very upbeat about it all, but I still think that the right thing to do would be to tell her before I tell anyone else, via text, on a weekend, so that she can process solo and before it makes its way to the water cooler. I don’t think telling her on one of our Zoom calls is the right approach here.
Yes? No?
anon says
Agreed. That sounds like a good plan.
anon says
Yes. Yes. Yes. Your gut is spot on. Tell her via text or email (maybe title it “personal news”), which gives her space to process it vs having to react in the moment, and let her know when you plan on telling wider audience so she can mute out that portion of the zoom call if she so chooses.
I’m almost 3 years in to treatment and this is the best way for me to process an announcement and I know it’s worked well for other’s I’ve met. I don’t like phone calls, either, because I’m still forced to produce a positive reaction on the spot which is 100% not my instinctive reaction. And, fwiw, I seem really upbeat at work but I’m a hot mess at home.
Cb says
A cousin was struggling with secondary infertility and I texted letting her know, and let her call me. She called the next day, over the moon excited for us, but expressed thanks for giving her that time to process versus having to respond right away.
anon says
Yup. I’m thrilled when my friends and sisters have babies. Truly. But it’s inexplicably hard to feign happiness in the moment when receiving the news.
Anon says
As someone who is in the 2ww for a FET and doesn’t anticipate good news (and this is our last embryo), I second this plan of texting or email, rather than putting her on the spot.
anon says
We used a qtip and “practiced” on my 4 year old’s favorite stuffed animal for a while. Then mom and dad both got tested in front of DD (made sure for no negative reactions at all), and then we did 4 year old’s test. It wasn’t perfect, but all the prepping helped. First nostril was easy enough, and I’d recommend going right for nostril number 2 and not having any down time in between. Just get it over with quick. We also always finish with a silly nose wiggle/scratch with our full palm just to make it end on a funny and not traumatic note. Good luck!
Anon says
I need book recs to learn about introducing food. We’re likely to try baby-led, just because that’s the norm ong relatives and friends, but not strictly committed to any ideology. First time parents with not-perfect eating habits, so we have all the questions–what, when, how, why…TIA
Anon says
I don’t think you need a book. Anyone stretching the topic out to a book is going to include a lot of questionable info to make the length. I’d read the AAP info on choking hazards and salt guidelines then watch some videos of choking vs. gagging on YouTube. The AAP site also has sample menus but they were always way more food than my kiddo ate which was fine. Breast milk and formula are still their major source of nutrition at this age. You can follow the baby’s lead. Let them play around with their food and lead the way as to what they want more of.
OP says
That does make some sense, but DH and I connect best when we can read a book together. I don’t mind if there’s a lot of fluff more than the basics that we strictly need to know.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
I did a mix of, I guess BLW (e.g. put small chunks of stuff on their trays) and purees. DS #2 is now 17 months and self-feeds with his hands. Honestly what helped me was Moms On Call – they have good schedules and examples of what/when (even though some of their approach to parenting is…not my vibe).
Also, I second the poster that said look at other cultures – I’m Indian, and my first food was mashed up kichri (and I gave a puree of this early on to both sons), and most Indian families use ghee, butter, spices, etc. plentifully in early feeding.
Anonymous says
We found that milk/formula was not an adequate source of calories for our very active baby at 6 months. Our day care let them crawl around on the floor all day, though, so YMMV if your baby actually naps or sits still (ours didn’t).
anon says
Agreed. There’s a huge variation on this. Our kid needed real food by 5-6 months, but she was also crawling everywhere and pulling up to stand at that point. By 8.5 months she was walking/running. By 9.5 months she was climbing all over playground equipment and going down the slide. She needed real food or she’d be hungry. Other kids are far more stationary.
My big advice is not to be afraid of spices. Salt isn’t good. But there’s no reason you can’t serve your kid foods with spices and lots of flavor. My baby ate tons of Indian curries and lentils because they were good mushy food that could be gummed, all before 1 year. There are lots of great baby-friendly international foods with all sorts of flavors.
Anon says
Yeah I’m not saying they shouldn’t eat but they doctors will say food isn’t the primary source of nutrition until 1. And lots of kids don’t really get into solids until 8-9 months which is also fine.
Anonymous says
It’s fine if babies don’t need or want solids at 6 months, but some really do and the idea that they don’t is harmful to active babies that need more calories, and their exhausted parents.
anon says
We heard the same and panicked when our 9-10 month old stopped finishing her bottles and choosing table food. After talk with our ped, he was supportive of following her lead as long as she was eating a balanced diet and not filling up on puffs and other junk. We still offered bottles, but we didn’t worry if she chose not to finish them.
In short, like all baby milestones, they’re just guidelines. Some babies will hit the feeding milestones sooner than others. It’s not a race, as all eventually switch to food, so just follow your baby’s lead. If they aren’t up for it this week, try again in a bit.
Anon says
Nobody said you shouldn’t give solids to your baby who wanted it though! Ok, some of the BLW nutsos do but nobody here.
Anonymous says
Yeah, that’s the point–the BLW nutsos will tell you to rely on milk and that you should only give your baby giant hunks of solids to play with.
Anon says
That’s not accurate. Milk is a much higher calorie food than most table foods, so if baby needs more calories, the answer is more milk, not more table food. Your baby may have gotten very interested in table food at 5-6 months and that’s great, but it is not a calorie driven thing.
https://healthyeating.sfgate.com/infant-enough-calories-3164.html (“Breast milk is higher in calories and fat than most solid foods, so the more solids your baby has in her diet, the fewer overall calories she is likely to be getting.”)
Anon says
To be clear I’m not suggesting refusing to give a 6 month old solid food if they want it. If they’re showing interest, definitely offer. But it is factually inaccurate to say adding solid food to a diet adds calories. It’s the opposite. The highest calorie diet is 100% breastmilk or formula (or maybe ice cream but I can’t imagine too many people are giving that to their babies on a regular basis).
I say this as someone with a giant baby who had no interest in solids until about 9 months and who had this discussion with my ped.
Anon says
It does add calories if the baby keeps consuming the same amount of milk but adds solids too.
BM is very easy for babies to digest. At some point my babies wanted solid food and that seemed to make them stay full longer, probably because it doesn’t digest as easily. So yes, even if BM is calorie dense, it wouldn’t keep my babies full as long as solid food. They’d act hungry and be grumpy. They started turning down bottles and asking for food. (Thank you baby sign language.)
Anonymous says
+1 to Anon @ 12:23. My baby kept consuming a quart a day of milk and formula and added three bowls of oatmeal, a yogurt, and three purees.
Anon says
Except that babies like all humans have limited stomach space, and filling their stomach with a lower calorie food can result in lower calorie consumption overall. If you were EBFing it’s possible your baby’s needs for milk exceeded what you could produce, and that’s why you were seeing the same milk consumption + increased solids rather than increased milk consumption. And in a healthy child, that’s normally fine. But you’re drawing an incorrect conclusion from that, namely that you can’t meet a child’s increased calorie needs by adding milk/formula. Generally if a child is underweight, the medical recommendation is more milk and formula and less solids.
Anon says
I had a 10 month old who would turn down the last two ounces of a bottle only to devour a big plate of chicken korma with brown rice and a pint of blueberries. She wanted food. She was also running everywhere and climbing all over the playground by 10.5 months. My pedometer would often hit 2 miles of chasing her by 10 AM.
She was always 50th-53rd percentile for weight and height, from birth to today as an elementary school kid, so we never worried about calories. The ped signed off on following her lead. Do most kids wait until 1 yo to switch to a predominantly solids diet? Yes. Do most kids walk at 8.5 months? No. She followed her own trajectory, including switching to solids earlier than most. Was it 100% baby driven? Yes. She started rejecting a bottle and signing “food.”
You can keep telling me I should have force fed her milk for longer based on a one-sized-fits-all guideline and rudimentary argument about calorie density, but I’m going to keep disagreeing. She was hungry for food and told me as much. Wouldn’t you be hungry only drinking milk? I totally understand that many kids are happy with a bottle until 12 months. There are also babies who aren’t satiated with a bottle and who want solid food sooner. Talk to your ped if you are concerned.
Anon says
I’m not suggesting anyone force feed a child milk or deprive a child of solids they want. I’m disagreeing with the statement that infants “need” solid food for calorie-related reasons. If a baby wants to eat solid food and is a healthy weight, by all means encourage it.
Anonymous says
Some. Babies. Do. Need. Solid. Food.
anon says
You’re the one who keeps bringing up calories. I keep saying that a baby being “hungry” is more than just calories. It’s not that simple. If it was, then my baby would have been content with more milk, except she wasn’t.
Some babies are hungry for solid foods sooner and are satiated with just a bottle. It’s not as simple as counting calories.
Anon says
I did not bring up calories. My original comment was in response to the poster who said “It’s fine if babies don’t need or want solids at 6 months, but some really do and the idea that they don’t is harmful to active babies that need more calories, and their exhausted parents.” Solid food is not a good way to add calories, that’s all I’m saying. It’s a common misconception that real food has more calories than breastmilk so I thought it was worth pointing out. I don’t disagree that solid food can be more satiating than breastmilk because it takes longer to digest, but the same is also true of formula.
You should feed your baby whatever they/you want.
Anon says
These days there’s a lot of good content on Instagram. For infants I like Solid Starts – I used this with my third baby, and learned a lot even though I’d done it twice before. They promote a kind of “combo” feeding…bigger pieces (traditional BLW) as well as things like purées and yogurt you can eat with a spoon. The key is letting baby self-feed all of it, because that helps them connect what they are seeing to the process of eating (and reduces choking risk). They have a whole video library with all the nuts and bolts answers you’re looking for on their website, too.
Anon says
No, don’t do Solid Starts! The database is ok but the Instagram has a lot of really bad science and is all about diet culture for your infant. And she’s really creepy about exploiting her older son for content.
Feeding Littles and Kids Eat in Color are better.
anonM says
I really like Feeding Littles, it made things easier with our second (just followed on IG, didn’t buy course). I also like The Complete Baby and Toddler Cookbook from America’s Test Kitchen.
Anon says
Solid Starts is soooo awful to Charlie. I feel so bad for him. +1 that FL and KEIC are so much better and more professional.
Anon says
It’s so sad! I was thinking of how many ‘90s child stars had to sue their parents for stealing their earnings and am wondering if we’re in for another round of that with influencer children (except they never had a contractual right to the money).
Anon says
Yeah I can’t wait for the kids of influencers to start writing books and speaking out about how the overexposure damaged their childhood.
An.On. says
No book recs, but support! Although it can feel haphazard and like its not working at first, it was maybe a month in and we had a good routine. I found the Solid Starts schedule to be helpful in figuring out how to work solids in on the bottle/nap schedule, but honestly didn’t use their site for any other purpose. https://solidstarts.com/starting-solids/feeding-schedules/ We naturally transitioned out of most bottles (although are still using them for comfort for pre-sleep, eek).
My husband had a fear of choking, so we did (and still do) lots of purees. The pouches are great timesavers and once your kid can hold them, less messy than spoons. Once you do find something that works, feel free to repeat ad infinitum – we do a lot of pasta, shredded chicken, bags of frozen peas and carrots, cheese and blueberries regardless of breakfast, lunch or dinner. Low effort prep is key for us!
We’d also developed bad habits about feeding ourselves after the baby was born (more snacking, frozen meals, pizza, etc) and about 2-3 months into the solids process we ended up getting a subscription to HelloFresh, so now when we make those meals, we set some aside for the baby, which helps us eat better and removes all meal planning effort. Our kid goes to sleep around 6:30/7p at the latest, so we usually cook after bedtime.
Anonymous says
FWIW, here are my observations based on my own child and nieces and nephews. Strict BLW leads to a lot of gagging, not much food consumption, and hungry cranky babies for the first few months, especially if they are crawling and burning a zillion calories. Allowing purees for calories from about 6 to 8 or 9 months and introducing little bits of easily gummed foods starting around 7 or 8 months, whenever the baby shows readiness, gets them actually eating solid foods much quicker.
Anon says
Purées are way less nutritionally dense than breast milk or formula, though. I’m all in favor of combo feeding, but baby will get a lot more out of an extra nursing session than puréed carrots. And yes, there is more gagging up front with bigger pieces of solids, but less gagging (and choking risk) in the long term. They figure it out relatively quickly.
Anonymous says
They don’t, actually. At one year, all four of my BLW nieces and nephews still hadn’t figured out how to swallow food. They were cranky and miserable and nursing 24/7. If you gave them solid food, they’d gag, just gnaw on it, or hide it in their cheeks. My baby and her classmates, who’d all been fed purees and cut-up table foods at day care regardless of what the parents were doing at home, were eating full meals when they moved to the toddler room at 12 months.
Anon says
I think some of the back and forth here seems to be that different people have different interpretations of what BLW is. I have never seen any BLW anything advocate still giving big chunks of food once the pincer grip comes in. At that point, you are supposed to give then cut up table food. BLW is just about giving the big chunks of food from 6-9 months instead of purees and then going straight to table food. If your nieces and nephews were not being given table food before a year, then I’m not sure they were doing conventional BLW.
Anon says
Yeah also some kids just don’t like purees! Mine didn’t. When she developed the pincer grasp around 9 months, she suddenly started eating a lot more solid food. I’m glad my ped had a “food before 1 is just for fun” attitude and we didn’t stress about it. We added some formula around 6 months when my supply took a hit for reasons unrelated to my kid’s eating habits, and that helped my kid get the additional calories she needed. She self-weaned from her daytime formula bottles around 11 months when she had really started eating solids. She continued nursing for another six months but mainly for comfort, not food.
Anon says
Ok, Anonymous, but four nieces and nephews is not a robust data set, and I’ve had great success with my own actual children. Child 3 is eating full meals with a fork at 13 months, in fact (not that it’s a competition, but my anecdotes are as good as yours).
My comment on calories was because Anonymous keeps insisting babies who burn calories need purées so BLW won’t work for them…really, babies who need calories need more milk/formula!
Again, my kids have all been combo fed, but we leaned heavily into table foods early and it’s worked for us.
Anon says
Was your baby underweight? Starting solids initially isn’t about calories as much as getting the baby used to the mechanics of eating and trying new flavors (plus checking for allergies).
I don’t understand the concern about purees having fewer calories unless your baby has a medical issue.
Anonymous says
The “concern” about purees having fewer calories than milk is BLW BS designed to convince parents to keep starving their babies by refusing to feed them purees and relying on BF for all nutrition.
Anon says
No, it’s not. I’m not a BLW evangelist. We didn’t even do BLW, I don’t think (we offered purees starting at 6 months and small bites of table food starting at 8-9 months). But purees are not calorie-dense. That’s a fact. The idea that you’re adding calories to your child’s diet by filling their stomach with a puree instead of milk is absurd. If your child needs more calories, they need more milk or formula.
Seafinch says
This wasn’t my experience at all. All four of my kids ate whatever we were eating from six months on and devoured enormous quantities of food. They would frequently eat 6-8 cups of food in a day (yes, cups!) until they were over a year old, at which point they all slowed down somewhat. They also still nursed every couple of hours (I was on leave for 12 and 18 months) and didn’t wean them until they were much older and they never gagged. Two of them walked at nine months. All 97th-95th percentile for height and 90th for weight, so very proportionate.
Anon says
The Mayo Clinic guide to baby’s first year is excellent. Very practical and not too much information. Good luck!
OP says
Yes, I have that. It really doesn’t feel like enough specifics to guide what todo when we have NO plan or knowledge ;)
Anonymous says
Gently, you’re overthinking this. I know you said you like to connect with your partner by reading the same book, but you do not need a book all about introducing food to a baby. Babies have learned to eat since before the written word.
Food is for fun, not nourishment, at first, since most calories will still come from breastmilk or formula.
Give you baby food that is not a choking hazard, watch while s/he is eating, and take the food away when s/he starts actively fighting against taking more bites, throwing it or smearing it everywhere. Good first foods are purees of fruits or vegetables, applesauce, smashed bananas or avocados, etc. Do produce before you move on to protein sources like refried beans or chicken purees (those are kinda disgusting, anyway). If your baby hates it, try again in a few days. Introduce one new food at a time at first so you can easily identify the culprit if there are any allergy concerns. The end.
Any book that is longer than that paragraph is full of fluff.
OP says
Oh, classic ‘rett comment. Someone says the question is uneccesary and the answer is obvious, meanwhile a debate is raging elsewhere in the thread. At least it’s always an interesting sampling of what is widely accepted and what is still questioned…
Anon says
I’m a different anon but I think the debate is raging in part because babies are different. Some love purées (mine hated anything with texture at first); some hate them. Some take to solids right away; some don’t. Mine wasn’t really interested until 9 months and would barely eat more than a tablespoon a couple of times a day before that. At the time it freaked me out, but in retrospect it’s as normal as the people above whose babies are big meals. People are arguing that their babies are normal, which they are. They’re just different.
It really would be great if there was a book that laid this out reasonably but I don’t think there is because everyone is trying to push an “all babies are the same” agenda where they write a book with THEIR particular philosophy. (These days usually hard core BLW). If you want to find one of those you can but if it isn’t a good fit for your baby, you’ll be setting yourself up for frustration.
I’m not a big Emily Oster fan but she did have a reasonably useful chapter in Cribsheet about this that sites to some of the research (short version: either purées or finger foods are fine).
Anonymous says
Exactly–all babies are different. The debate seems to be raging between one BLW extremist and some others who are pushing back. I will often push back against the absolutist Satter or BLW or RIE comments because these philosophies are so rigid that they can be harmful to kids who don’t fit their mold, and frustrating to parents of these kids.
anon says
If you both want content, buy the Feeding Littles course. I don’t think you need it (I did purchase it but really found it unnecessary given all of her Insta content), but if you really want to individually “read” / digest content and then talk about it, that’s the route I’d go.
Anon says
We did purees at daycare and BLW at home. I thought feeding purees was a pain but wanted my son to have some solids consumption, and my ped recommended it. We started BLW with foods that were essentially “teething foods,” not for consumption (i.e., pizza crust, ribs, asparagus, etc.), until about 9 months when DS seemed like he actually was trying to eat stuff. At 9-10 months, we switched over entirely to table foods– mostly “mushable” items that baby would actually eat. So I guess we did a sort of hybrid approach, but it worked for us.
I thought Solid Starts was really helpful when I was starting out for food ideas, and I think the app is really helpful for teaching you how to adapt items in the family meal for different ages. I did not have luck with making any toddler/baby specific recipes at this age and did much better just adapting what I already had on had for baby. Agree with others that sometimes the content in the Solid Starts stories is not helpful, especially when you are more at toddler stage where your kid isn’t picky but definitely has opinions and will not eat whatever crazy, time-consuming thing they are showing on Solid Starts. Yummy Toddler Food is currently my favorite Instagram.
Anonymous says
To start we just fed baby what we ate. So if I was having cheerios and milk for breakfast, I’d drop like ten cheerios on baby’s plate. Same with a piece of toast with a thin layer of almond butter cut into thin strips. Don’t give them too much or it’s a huge mess if they throw it. Much easier to add more if they finish. We started adding salt at the table instead of when cooking so baby could eat the same food. So like for taco night – before we make up our tacos, I put some diced tomatoes, mashed avocado, and shredded cheese on baby’s tray.
We used squeezie packs and other commercial baby snacks (rice biscuits) when we were out and about. Benefit of just feeding baby what we ate but chopped small is that it is scalable for when you have toddlers and babies down the road. I’m lazy and had zero interest or ability to account for allergies plus make multiple meals so they always ate what we ate. If they don’t like it, they can have a piece of toast and a glass of milk before bed. Each meal contains at least 1-2 things I know that each kid likes.
Our kids all have different likes and dislikes but they are pretty good eaters. Dessert is always fruit except for weekends and special occasions. Served in different formats – like apple slices in the shape of a sunshine or blend up a bunch of frozen mango for ‘ice cream’. One hate pears but loves strawberries or another hates tomatoes but love asparagus etc.
Anonymous says
I must be tired because I read “ten cheerios” as “ten cheetos.”
BlueAlma says
I’d recommend Chapter 7 of Child of Mine: Feeding with Love and Good Sense by Ellyn Satter, RD. It’s not trendy. It’s research based. (My mom is an RD who specializes in feeding kids, and she highly recommends Satter’s stuff.) I agree with the advice that you don’t have to overthink it or jump on a bandwagon. But Satter’s Division of Responsibility is a great tool for preventing problems later on. (Not my opinion—Satter’s published research bears this out.)
Anonymous says
Hard no on Satter if you think you may have a kid with sensory issues or who is just stubborn. Her methods will lead these kids to starve themselves.
Anonymous says
I was overwhelmed with how to introduce solids, you’re not alone. Just remember that it’s really just tasting at first, your kid is not going to make a meal of it for a while. Purees are a great way to introduce a variety of flavors. In terms of non-purees, I found it easiest to start with things that you can mash, or that are already soft. So avocado, scrambled eggs, oatmeal, sweet potato that I learned to cook in the microwave, yogurt. As the kids get bigger, I start to do noodles (deliberately overcooked), risotto, soups, salmon. I also learned that you can make lots of vegetables into “pancakes” if you grate them and add some eggs, flour, etc.
I was super into the idea of BLW with baby #1. Personally, I’ve come to the conclusion that the whole thing is really dumb, but to each her own. I’d recommend you buy one of these NUK mashers, and make your life a million times easier: https://www.amazon.com/NUK-Mash-Serve-Food-Preparation/dp/B006Z6E8AG/ref=sr_1_6?crid=1QDJMXCR5W4KP&keywords=food+masher+tool+baby&qid=1655315661&sprefix=food+masher%2Caps%2C85&sr=8-6
Btw there is ZERO correlation between how your child learns to eat now and their willingness to eat a variety of foods later in life.
Anon says
A friend lent us the Gill Rapley book on the topic and I liked it. We started BLW at 6 months (easier for me), started giving her whatever feeding littles suggests (I think avocado was first), and also made my own purees after my daughter tested for lead (to get iron into her, in addition to the supplement prescribed by doc). I didn’t feel like training my nanny and grandma on BLW, so they gave her the purees (often ground beef, spinach and sweet potato – immersion blended) for lunch. We did BLW for dinner. Eventually my toddler ate table food that we ate (feeding littles has the best sizing info). To my knowledge, my daughter never really gagged or choked on any food.
She did eat everything for a time (very proud BLW mama here!), but now not as much (very glad my husband were only smug to each other when she ate everything, now eating crow). We still have some rules that came from BLW – it’s our job to give her food, it’s her job to eat; we all eat at the table together; no one gets a separate meal. All of my friends handled it differently and it all worked out fine.
Spirograph says
I’m listening to Bossypants by Tina Fey several years later than everyone else, and one part I heard on my commute this morning was a joke/assertion to the effect that absolutist parenting philosophies and obsession with doing things The Right Way are the exclusive provenance of upper middle class women (she actually also had a bit of snark about the women being cut off from other forms of achievement, but the fact that this debate is raging on a forum populated mainly by careerwomen is evidence to the contrary).
With no disrespect to anyone, because of course we’re all concerned about the phase our kids are in right now, and it can feel really all-consuming… my mom always used to tell me “all kids learn to eat/use a toilet/sleep through the night/xyz eventually. Kids are different. It’s all trial and error.” Based on my unscientific sample size of 3 kids all of whom have met all developmental milestones so far, on their own time, within a range of normal, irrespective of my best efforts, I think Tina and my mom are both right.
Anonymous says
Adoption is pending! Now I need a middle name for first name Benjamin. Last name is two syllables, emphasis on the first syllable. Thanks!
Cb says
Rowan? But honestly, I forget my son HAS a middle name (double barrelled last name so it’s a mouthful as it is)
Anon says
I’d look at one syllable middle names the. Is there someone you want to honor or a culture you want to reflect? Since Benjamin is classic, I’m guessing that’s your general preference? Benjamin Mark Simpson or Benjamin Max Simpson both sound nice to me. Benjamin James Simpson.
I think you could go for longer names too. Benjamin is pretty adaptable. Benjamin Theodore? Theodore has lots of nickname possibilities. Benjamin Sebastian feels quaint.
Redux says
Strong co-sign of your second sentence, re: honoring a person or culture! My brother is adopted and his middle name is the name he was given at birth so as to keep that tie. If kiddo did not have a birth name, consider something that relates to his place or culture of origin.
Congratulations!!!
anon says
I’d go with a family name, either from your family or the birth family (as a tie to his heritage).
Anonymous says
I have a Benjamin and this is what we did – went with my dad’s first name as son’s middle name because his last name is the same as DH’s name which comes from DH’s father. That way both grandfathers were represented. Another good option is to use your maiden name (if you changed after getting married), another family maiden name (Carter and Lewis are both maiden names from my grandmother’s side), or a variation on your name – like if you’re Norah use Noah.
Anonymous says
Congratulations! I agree on the one-syllable middle name, preferably one without a “b” or “j” sound for contrast.
NYCer says
Some names I think sound good with Benjamin:
Max
David
Charles
Thomas
Edward
Tyler
Anon says
Benjamin David was one of our top boys names that we didn’t use.
Anonymous says
Hi, sis! (My nephew was almost named Benjamin David.)
Anon says
We didn’t have any boys so not your sis but I do love that name :)
Anonymous says
Button obvi
AIMS says
I love the idea of a sentimental middle name. Both my kids have family names for their middle for this reason. Or something you love that you don’t want for a first name for whatever reason (a good friend has a very ‘hippie’ middle name because his parents wanted to give him options and it’s very charming). I also think when in doubt keep it short. I have more than one friend lamenting super long kid names when filling out multiple forms for school, camp, doctor… (think Theodore Anthony Thompson).
I’d probably also stay away from anything that begins with an M or S to avoid those initials.
Anon says
Congratulations! I’m in the camp of 1-syllable for a long first name. Some suggestions:
James
Gray
Cole
Miles
Ray
Beau
George
Aunt Jamesina says
Congrats and welcome, sweet Benjamin :-)
Anonymous says
Congrats! My (adopted) daughter’s name is the name her mother told the doctor in the hospital she wanted to name the baby.
We did decide to change our daughters name at adoption, but like that she has that tie to her beginning.
Cb says
PSA – your kid’s helmet should be replaced after a crash and some of the manufacturers do a discount replacement scheme. My son went down hard on Monday and I contacted GIRO for a replacement.
Anonymous says
And always get MIPS!
Cb says
Yes, I was surprised at the level of foam compression from what was a dramatic but low speed (3mph) fall, and get a bit queasy thinking off all the kids I see zooming without helmets. He had a bit of a headache for a few minutes and scrapped hands, but without a helmet…
Anonymous says
Glad he’s OK! Hurrah for helmets!
Anonymous says
Great advice. I went to school with a kid who had a skateboarding accident (on flat land) without a helmet and had a severe traumatic brain injury. He was a college hockey player on scholarship at a D1 school and now he can’t live independently. We also had an 8 year old die from a fall off of a bike without a helmet in my town. He was the grade above me. We are super duper serious about helmets and IDGAF what anyone thinks.
Anonymous says
Are there people near you who DON’T wear helmets? Or would judge you for using a helmet?? It’s the law here and I can’t even think of a time I’ve seen a kid riding without one.
Cb says
Omg, my son is an outlier with helmets in our Scottish town!! I want to buy the kids helmets for £10 at Aldi and hand them out. I worry it makes it harder to convince him to wear one as he gets older and goes out without us.
Anon says
I’m serious about helmets (DD is 4) but I would say half the kids riding in our neighborhood do not have them.
AIMS says
I never wore a helmet as a kid and it’s probably 50/50 in nyc, esp. as kids get older.
Anon says
Helmets are the norm for bikes around here (Midwest) but I see a fair number of kids scootering without them and for activities like ice skating only a handful of kids wear them. We make our kid wear one for scootering but not ice skating.
AwayEmily says
Hi! I missed you all. We’ve been COVIDing, of course. The 4yo tested positive last Monday and I followed suit the next day. Amazingly, my husband, the 6yo, and the 4mo have all been consistently negative on rapids (plus 3 additional negative PCRs for the baby). Per daycare policy the 4yo was allowed to go back this Monday but we decided to keep him home until he tested negative on rapids, which finally happened this morning. I’m still positive on rapids so still masking/isolating. So excited for this to be over. Between the actual sickness (which was ROUGH) and keeping 3 kids apart for 10 days, it has been deeply horrible.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Hello AwayEmily! I’ve been thinking about you. So sorry to hear about the illness. I’m glad some family members stayed healthy! I keep hearing about instances where some family members get it and others don’t, despite lots of contact at home, so random sometimes.
Our older kids are the same age – mine is “graduating” kindergarten next week – where did the time go?! (just kidding, this year felt very very long). Hope yours will enjoy summer!
AwayEmily says
My K-er’s “moving up” ceremony is on Friday. So crazy! And she starts “summer camp” (outdoor YMCA day camp on a lake, should be awesome) in just two weeks.
I’m sure that luck had a lot to do with the lack of intra-family spread, though because my husband is immuno-compromised and the baby is, well, a baby, we also doubled down on protective measures — all windows/doors open constantly (even when it was 60 degrees out), COVID-positive people restricted to one bedroom and the porch, everyone (even the negative folks) masked inside except for sleep, all meals eaten outside. And I’m still not positive we are out of the woods…we’ll see!
Anon says
Ugh. This sounds awful.
Anon says
i probably sound like a broken record, but tips for sleep issues when kids share a room? 4 year olds who share a room and one keeps waking up in the middle of the night and doesn’t get out of bed but sits there and screams/cries until mommy or daddy come in. i almost wish she would get out of bed quietly as to not wake her sister. ideas please? our whole family is a hot mess
anon says
When one kid is waking the other up, I find it helpful to move a kid for awhile. We don’t have an extra bedroom, but parents’ room or living room are options.
It stinks, it’ll eventually get better, but that’s the best strategy I’ve found for sleep for everyone.
Anon says
they freak out if this is done or suggested. and then i have two hysterical kids. how do you do this? my kids have never slept alone in a room, they’ve always had their sister
anon at 11:03 says
If we’re really desperate for sleep, one parent with each kid. It can start a reliance on parents in the room, but, for me, it can be worth it if we all really need sleep.
Anon says
Is he awake when he cries? My 4-5 yo used to start scream sobbing, but she’d be still asleep. Usually she’d stop after we took her to the potty.
OP says
yes, she is awake. sometimes she has night terrors when she isn’t awake, but this is new and she is definitely awake.
AwayEmily says
A multiprong approach worked for our screaming room-sharing 4yo. First, we threatened to separate them if he continued to scream/wake up his sibling, and we actually carried it out at one point (brought him to the guest room to sleep, he cried, his sister cried, it was horrible all around but necessary to show we were serious). They really do not want to be separated so this was a big deal. Second, LOTS of positive reinforcement when he didn’t scream. In fact, after a week of success we threw him a “no screaming party” (a helium balloon and cupcakes from the grocery store). And third, ways to self-soothe when he woke up. he has a Munchkin owl light and we let him keep whatever toys/books he needs in his bed.
OP says
thanks. the time you separated them, what did he sleep in in the guest room? right now they are both in toddler beds and our guest room has a big queen sized bed that is pretty far off the ground and I am not sure they would ever fall back to sleep. we also don’t have a second sound machine to put in the guest room. we use a hatch with a light, she sleeps with a million stuffies/books etc. (she is running out of space for her in her bed!). I could try a sticker chart with promise of a party. we’ve never really used sticker charts bc my thought has always been will they stop when the stickers stop? bc i dont want to continue with this forever. she often wakes up petrified from a bad dream – last night one was that a tiger was going to eat her. obviously we need to figure out a better way to get her to self soothe. they are then a mess all day and cannot control their behavior
AwayEmily says
I’m not sure he ever DID actually fall back asleep the time we moved him to the guest room. We moved him like 4am one morning, and it was horrible for him partly because of everything you mentioned — no Hatch, no stuffies (we did let him bring his primary lovey), no sound machine. I think his sister was probably up til morning in her room sobbing at his absence, too. It was awful. But definitely served its purpose, which was to illustrate that we were very serious about not screaming.
Anon says
ok, i think I need DH to actually be home and not traveling for me to do this and i guess on a saturday night so if we are all a mess the next day (which i’m assuming everyone was) we can recover. we are heading on vacation next month, which is going to be an epic disaster if we can’t nip this in the bud soon
Anonymous says
Put the screamer in the guest room and make returning to the shared room the sticker chart prize for 5 – 10 nights without screaming. If she starts screaming again, separate them again and do a new sticker chart so she can earn the privilege of going back to her room.
Anon says
doesn’t this seem unfair to the non screamer who doesn’t want to be alone?
Anonymous says
No less unfair than getting awakened in the middle of the night. At least the non-screamer gets to stay in her own room.
Anonymous says
We had this with our twins and just explained that it was not allowed to wake up your sibling at night and if they shouted out instead of coming to get us, then they would not be able to share a room with their sibling the next night. Only took a couple times of tearful bedtimes in the spare room for the message to sink in that we were serious.
DLC says
Our kids are different ages (10, 5, and 3), but when the 3 year old wakes up loudly and inconsolably (two or three times a week), she gets brought to our bed and usually ends up spending the night there. (depending on how squiggly she is, I either stay in bed with her or go sleep in her bed once she is down. Also depending, the 10 year old sometimes gets into bed with her and that usually calms her down) She also has the option of just hanging out with mom and dad on the couch in the basement until we are ready to go to bed. I think our goal is to get everyone the maximum amount of sleep rather than try to figure out/solve the actual waking issue, hoping that it’s just a phase and will resolve itself in a couple months. Or years. Or by the time she is in kindergarten. Sigh.
anon says
Ugh, this sounds miserable. I take it the second twin wakes up and can’t get back to sleep? Mine sleep through their sister’s screaming 9 times out of 10, and that last time will usually just roll over and go back to sleep.
They also hate to be separated, but we’ve done it a couple times at bedtime when one is being super loud and won’t let her sister sleep. In that case we move the quiet one to our room and put her back once she falls asleep. This always results in more screaming because the one left behind is very mad about being alone, but it means the next night they usually remember they didn’t like that and can rein themselves in.
Re sticker charts/bribes, I was also initially afraid we’d be doing them forever, but they’ve all just naturally faded out once the twins got used to the new habits (and I have the model of kids who are Intense and remember everything you’ve ever promised them).
anonM says
Ok, so I’ll be totally honest here. When this happens (our 2 and 4yo share a room), I try to get up quickly before they wake each other. 4yo it is usually because he has to pee, so I just take him to the bathroom and put him back down with as little fuss as possible. With the 2yo, they usually get up around 5/5:30, and if I catch her quickly I can get her back to sleep MOST days, otherwise one of us just gets up and takes LO into the living room. So for middle of the night, I’d just get in there asap and either try to shush them quickly back to bed, and if that doesn’t work, bring into parents bed or the living room to try to sleep/at least cuddle. But with sicknesses/odd phases, I have sometimes just slept on their floor so I can quickly pat their back and prevent the whole screaming/waking whole family thing. Is this the best plan? Maybe not. But most family members getting the most sleep plan? sometimes!
Anon says
I love my husband but some days I think being fulltime officemates is going to lead to the demise of our marriage. He’s a great husband and dad but a terrrrrrible officemate.
Anonymous says
Haha same here. I can hear him yelling on Zoom all day through two closed doors. I am lobbying for a larger house.
Anon says
Quick gut check – my older two kids have been trying to teach the three year old (turned three in April) her letters and she is just not remembering them. At all. She’s quite clever at social things, but her memory for what the letter A looks like for example is just nonexistent. I’m pretty sure my older two could remember and recognize some letters (not all) at this age. We aren’t trying to teach her letters for academic reasons or anything like that – she just has an alphabet puzzle or we’ll be playing scrabble or something like that. Are we jumping way ahead developmentally?
she knows the alphabet song – she just has trouble with the visual if that makes sense. She’s also not getting frustrated or anything. Just looking for a gut check that this is normalish. Not that there’s anything we would do about it anyways!
Anon says
There are kids in my kid’s preK class (had to turn 4 by Sept) who could not recognize all their letters. Your kid is barely past 2, it’s fine. :)
anon says
My kids knew all their letters at 2.5 when they started at a new daycare and their teacher’s asked us if we drilled them with flashcards because it was so unusual. So I think at 3 she’s not at all behind!
Anonymous says
This is definitely normal. She’s just three! Kids advance in different areas at different ages. One kid might struggle socially but have excellent gross motor. Another kid might have excellent fine motor but not ride a two wheeler until they are 6. Etc etc.
What might be more fun for your older kids is to read to their sister. Having books read to you is great for literacy! And good for the older kids to build their confidence too.
OP says
Okay, thanks all. That makes me feel better. Her working memory (I think that’s the right term) is just not as good as big kids were, but her social skills are waaay better. Also her sense of humor and ability to tell a joke is better than most kindergartners I know. So she’s definitely got a lot going on up in her head :)
She also doesn’t looove sitting still for stories. My older two would listen to chapter books at that age and she is not as interested. I think I’m going to tell them to focus on the fort building instead, everyone loves that!
Anon says
Commiseration. I worry a little bit about my 4.5 year old’s memory too. She learned her letters at school, but she can’t play games like Go Fish because she can’t remember who asked for what, and she’ll regularly forget something that she had asked and we had answered just a couple minutes ago like where we’re going for dinner (it’s very similar to how my 80-something grandma was when she was in the early stages of dementia). She also can’t sit still for stories, in fact she doesn’t like to be read to at all (although she loves to look at books and “read” to us). But she’s really social and imaginative and very charming and funny. She’s so, so different than me, but I just try to remind myself that different people have different strengths and teachers would be alerting us if her school performance was out of the normal range.
Anonymous says
3 year olds listening to chapter books is pretty unusual. At that age I would favour fun colourful books like Mo Willems stuff or even Robert Munsch.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
I needed to read this today. My 17-month-old (18 months on Monday) is still not walking independently. He takes a few steps here and there, or stands alone for a bit and is like…umm no.
Anon says
I’m pretty sure that recognition of “most” letters is one of the things our preschool looks for for kindergarten readiness at the end of the year, and it was unusual that my then newly-turned 4YO could recognize most of them at the beginning of the preschool year (which she learned from school and sesame street, not through any pushing by me). So I think you’re good.
Anon says
Same, recognition of “most” letters is a kindergarten readiness milestone in our area. Since your child has more than two years before kindergarten, I would not stress about this at all.
Anon says
I wouldn’t worry. My kid learned a couple letters during lockdown (at 2) but they went away when we didn’t keep practicing them and she didn’t start learning them consistently until she started in the pre-K class at age 3.5 and they drilled a “letter of the week” every week. Even now at almost 4.5 and starting her final year of pre-K she isn’t perfect at all of them, and her teachers have not expressed any concerns.
Anonymous says
Please chill about your completely normal child.
Anonymous says
Yes your developmental expectations are totally out of whack. Learning letters happens somewhere between 2-7 years old and pushing earlier does more harm than good. Most kids who are forced to learn this stuff earlier (either in school or home) lose their love of learning by ages 9-11.
NYCer says
My 3yo knows a few letters (the first letter of her name, our last name, some other random ones), but that is it. What you are describing sounds very normal.
Anonymous says
My primary worry here would be that the two older ones would get mad.
OP says
Aw no the two older ones are super sweet. I can assuage your fear there. They’ve been trying to teach her the first letter of her own name and their names, which is cute, but yeah, it’s not sticking!
Anonymous says
Maybe the teaching methods invented by small children are not pedagogically sound or tailored to her learning style? Super cute, though!
OP says
Well they raided the pantry and were bribing her with oreos so I really thought they should have met with success!
maybe that’s what prompted me to post – if oreos can get her to remember the first letter of her name, I start to worry a bit!
OP says
Important follow-up: they still gave her the oreo
Anonymous says
I love this.
Anonymous says
Well, of course she couldn’t remember the letter. She was looking at the Oreo!
Spirograph says
oh man, now I want some oreos.
I think Anonymous @ 2:52 is onto something – I would be distracted by the oreo if I were trying to learn my letters, too!
(in seriousness, though, this sounds really normal)
Anonymous says
Agree with this! My 6 year old decide one weekend recently that it was “Learn to read” weekend for 3.5 year old and while his intentions were good, his methods were pretty hilarious. Needless to say 3.5 does not know how to read following that weekend.
Anonymous says
I would also be worrying if I were you – not because kiddo is behind but because like you my sample set was older kids who learned letters early bc they were interested (1-2). I think the posters are correct in the developmental stage!! Things that help prime the pump for learning later are mostly doing nursery rhymes and rhyming games, singing songs, and just talking about letter sounds as you go about your business. Word games (like how many rhymes can we find for X word?) may be a hit with the big kids too! We do a lot of those in situations where we are needing to occupy waiting kids.
anonymous says
Anyone have strategies for setting boundaries around reading books? My 5yo just discovered a new series she loves, which is great in that she’s reading 100 pages a day, but it’s a struggle to get her to put down the book to do anything else (set the table for dinner, eat breakfast, go to bed) without constant pleas for “just one more chapter!”. I love that’s she’s finally figured out reading for pleasure and don’t want to squash that, but she’s never been great at transitions and now it seems like we have multiple power struggles per day about putting aside her book.
startup lawyer says
I feel like this should be the same as cutting off screen time? Like if something has to be done, just give her a heads up, hey in 5 minutes you need to put down your book because we have to do xyz.
Anon says
“Finally” figured out reading for pleasure? She’s five. I swear this place is becoming hyper Tiger mom.
Anon says
Yep. But sadly my real life circles are worse. Several close friends have kids who were reading before 4 (with a great deal of parental effort) and they both make subtly judgy comments about how kids this age should be reading. One of them was evaluating a preschool for her kids and she made a remark about how they were “only” teaching kids letter sounds in pre-K and her comment to me was “OMG can you believe how behind these kids are? My 2 year old already knows all her letter sounds!” [Knowing I have a 4 year old who doesn’t know letter sounds, let alone how to read]. Um….good luck finding a preschool that expects the kids to already know how to read because that’s crazy and no preschool expects that.
Anonymous says
Eh, not all early readers have pushy parents. The TV taught my kid to read at age 3. I never mentioned her reading at preschool and didn’t expect it to be accommodated there. It was always funny when a teacher would figure out that she could actually read and announce it to me as if I didn’t already know.
Anon says
I’m aware of that. But these parents invested a ton of time teaching their kids how to read at a young age. I’m not saying the kids aren’t also smart, I’m sure they are, but I know these parents well and the kids did not read spontaneously.
Anon says
No. But only pushy parents think your kid is a late reader if they’re reading chapter books at 5.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I don’t think that’s true for most of us, and I didn’t take the OP’s comment that way. But FWIW, my 6 year old can read but is not reading chapter books by himself, and I think that’s pretty average/normal for this age.
OP says
Huh, I didn’t mean that at all in a tiger mom way, though I can kind of see your point. Sorry about that.
What I mostly meant was that she taught herself to read ages ago and we’ve been trying to remind her that reading can be a nice quiet activity when she needs a break from her siblings or needs to decompress when she gets home from school, so it’s great that’s she’s figuring that out and will take a book up to her room instead of trying to shove the 2yo off the couch because she’s exhausted from school and he looked at her funny.
SC says
My son struggles with transitions. We give time warnings, with a reminder to get to a stopping point. We talk about how he can work on his project more tomorrow. And we give him a little grace to get to a real stopping point when it’s really time, then praise for doing well with the transition. For books, I’d buy a pretty bookmark, or have your 5yo make one if she’d be into that, then emphasize how she can save her place and come back to the same page.
If he’s refusing to transition, we will temporarily take away the thing that is distracting him. If a particular transition has gone really poorly for a while, we switch up the routine so there’s less of a pain point there. For example, there may not be enough time to read before breakfast, or you may need a rule that she’s 100% ready for her day before reading time.
EP-er says
All I know is that I need boundaries around books right now! I’m just like your five year old, sneaking chapters in between meetings, staying up too late. I got away from reading when the kids were little, but made it a pandemic priority. Started a book club with an old friend. Heavily use the library card. I would rather read than cook dinner or fold laundry, too! But alas… I’m the grown up.
Anonymous says
Same. If I get started on a good book, I don’t want to cook or clean or work or go to bed on time.
SC says
I’m the same way. I stayed up until 3:45 am Monday night (Tuesday morning) reading a book that I started at 11 pm.
Aunt Jamesina says
Hello, my people.
My parents used to ground me from reading as a teen because it was the only punishment that worked. No phone? Fine, I’ll read. Can’t see friends? Fine, I’ll read.
Anon says
Same same.
Anon says
I have this kid. We have rules for reading like anything else: no books at the dinner table, must complete [activity] before more reading time, if someone is talking to you you need to put the book down and listen, you can read on your own at bedtime but lights off at __.
I’m secretly thrilled my kid is such a bookworm – I certainly was – but DH is concerned he isn’t doing more sports / social activities so there certain designated book-free times like swim class, floor hockey, and we’re just now getting around to playdates. Our kid prefers concrete rules so we’ll approach it as, “you may start reading again after you complete task, task” and “lights off at 9:00, if you’re still reading after that the consequence is an earlier lights-out tomorrow night.”
Honestly, having a self-motivated reader is great. Not a peep during road trips, can be home with us during the week on no-school days with only limited interruptions (usually for snacks!) Of all the problematic behaviors, this one is pretty great.
Anon says
Late reply but I was totally this kid growing up. My Mom also didn’t want to quash my love of reading but frankly, she really couldn’t have. Set your boundaries and don’t worry about it. Love, The Kid Who Got Detention For Reading Under Her Desk
Anon says
Okay, help me prep for upcoming family vacation. I have a very lovely SIL (brother’s wife), who will – at some point during the week we will spend together with our families – tell me that she “doesn’t know how I do it.” She likely will say it when my children are at their absolute worst – whining for food, tired due to messed up bedtimes, etc. I think she honestly means it sincerely, but I find it to be such a transparent way of saying “wow, your family is a hot mess, and I wouldn’t want to deal with it.” For context, she has two young kids, who will also melt down during the week. She might say it when they melt down too.
I honestly think she means it sincerely. I have more kids than she does, and two of mine are under 3. They have been very clear that having one more kid would be extremely hard on their marriage. That said, this statement really bothers me (I like to think I generally have it pretty well together – so this remark always lands when I’m at my most vulnerable), but I can’t ever figure out what to say in response. I’m notoriously bad at making a joking remark in return (my joking always comes out too harsh), but I’d like to have something to say back that isn’t too harsh/too serious. Or, if I should just go into hearing this statement knowing that it is more about her, not about me. Thoughts?
Anon says
I think you’re being way too sensitive. I don’t read this as criticism of you or your kids at all, more just commiseration about how hard little kids can be. The fact that she doesn’t want as many kids as you do is obviously not a judgment on you at all, there are so many factors that go into family planning.
NYCer says
Without knowing anything else about the dynamics with your SIL, I agree.
Anonymous says
This is my read. If you generally have a solid relationship, she means it empathetically and is not being shady. I usually just say something like ‘some days it really are the longest shortest time’ or ‘at least they are only young once’ and move on.
Anonymous says
“Necessity is the mother of invention!”
Anonymous says
Get over yourself? Like this is a totally common platitude not an attack. Just nod and laugh.
Boston Legal Eagle says
“I know, right?!” Then move on to helping whichever little kid is screaming, whether it’s yours or hers. This is a hard season and I like to think that other people who are in it just get it on a level that those without little kids don’t, and want to commiserate (and hopefully help out with a hand or two).
Anonymous says
I would take it as a compliment.
Anon says
I also read it that way. She’s impressed that you can handle more than she can. (Fwiw I’m one and done in large part because I feel like I can only handle one kid. I don’t think I say things like this to other people because I generally try to avoid saying anything about anyone else’s parenting, but if I did it would be meant as a compliment!)
Aon says
Yeah, I get this a lot and I always take it that way haha
Anon says
I’d go into it knowing it’s about her not you. But it’s also fine to ask her about it – not in the moment, but at a call time when it’s just the two of you, you could say I’ve noticed you often say X when my kids are having a rough moment and I wondered what you meant? And you probably don’t mean it but hearing that makes me feel Y.
Like you can’t tell her how to feel or what to say, but you can always tell people how they make YOU feel.
Anon says
people say this to me all the time- i have twins, no local family and a DH who works late hours/travels a lot for work. honestly, i feel like a failure half the time because i don’t have a big job (i work part-time) and honestly only survive because DH earns a lot of $ so we can afford a nanny and i have a non intense job. otherwise, i dont have the personality/temperament to do it, without feeling more overwhelmed than i already do.
i think you are reading WAAYY too much into this, without knowing more.
Anon says
Yes – it’s meant as a compliment of your parenting, not a criticism of your kids or family
Anonanonanon says
I think 99% of the time, people intend that phrase as a compliment. My mom and her MIL had some friction for a few years before my mother realized my Grandmother assumed people wanted sympathy and wanted to hear their life was hard, that was how she showed affection.
I’d stick with joke responses, but that’s just my personality. “Well, they’re on the grid, so I don’t have much choice!” or you could be semi-earnest “that’s sweet of you, just one day at a time!”
Redux says
“The alternative is murder.” Then look her straight in the eye, like, your move, SIL.
Anonymous says
I think you’re likely adding an interpretation to what she’s saying that simply isn’t there. Can you just say, “I don’t know either!” or, “I don’t!” and move on? Or just grimace or shrug along with her and move on.
(Can you figure out what it is about this one statement that bothers you so much — are you feeling like you need to be an ‘always on top of it’ parent and she’s deliberately pointing out the times you’re ‘failing’?)
Anon says
I disagree with most of the commenters. Even if you are reading into it, her comment bothers you. And that’s a legitimate reaction to have. I have a friend who tells me this all the time about my child who is a handful. Or compares her friends’ kids who are “easier” with mine. So I understand exactly where you are coming from.
I have contemplated telling my friend: hey I know you’re trying to compliment me but I really struggle with how difficult my kid is and your comment is not helping me feel any better. I have not told her this yet. Since it’s your SIL I would just redirect the conversation as someone suggested: I know, right?
Anon says
I think saying a child is “a handful” is much worse than saying to a mom “I don’t know how you handle it.” It sounds more negative and I also hate labeling children, even with a neutral/positive label.
But I do agree if she’s upset she can tell SIL how it makes her feel.
Anon says
Yeah, this is more how it tends to come off. “Wow, your kids sure are a lot. I’m so glad I don’t have to deal with that…” It’s not said in the context when we are quietly sitting around talking about life, and she remarks that I’m truly an extraordinary parent, or something (which would make the comment feel like a compliment – not like, this is a whole lot).
I can’t imagine telling someone when their kid is mid-tantrum that their kid is a handful, or that you couldn’t imagine how someone could handle tantrums as well. It feels like she’s denigrating my kids, even if not directly.
I’m honestly surprised to hear how many of you think of it as a compliment. “You’re an awesome parent!” or “I can’t believe how well you travel with your kids!” or “Wow, they are doing really well for being on a totally different time zone.” These are all compliments. This comment just feels like it’s throwing subtle shade at me or my kids.
Anonymous says
As Senior Attorney on the main page always says, assume good intentions. Yes, it may well be a backhanded compliment that’s actually a criticism. But if you care about the relationship, you can choose to take the comment at face value.
Humans are all selfish jerks by nature. If you’re going to discard every relationship with someone who says something slightly insensitive, you will have no relationships left.
Anon says
Yup.
Anon says
I can see how this could possibly be a backhanded compliment/subtle shade but I also think the fact that you seem to be taking her family size as a slight indicates you’re probably being too sensitive here. I get it, I’m sensitive too but it sounds like overall you get along well (which is a really great thing you shouldn’t take for granted! Many people including me have terribly difficult in-laws) and I would try not to let this one comment derail an otherwise good relationships. Just roll your eyes inwardly and/or vent to your DH when she’s not around.
Emma says
I think you’re overthinking this, but I also never use that phrase since someone said it to my aunt, who has a severely handicapped child. She looked the person straight in the eye and said “I don’t have a choice” and it was a good reminder that saying stuff like that is rarely helpful, even when well-intentioned.
EDAnon says
I similarly dislike this comment. I do think it’s sincere but it sends me into a weird tailspin where I think maybe I cannot do it (or should not be doing it). I usually respond with “It’s a lot!.”
Anonanonanon says
I’m dealing with intense burnout and need advice.
I literally just… don’t even respond to emails sometimes. The simple ones! I’m doing below the bare minimum. I’m ashamed but can’t seem to turn that shame into action.
Part of this is burnout, part is bitterness over some internal happenings at my organization, part is premature short-timers because I’m in the final phase of a recruitment process for a new job.
I took a week off to completely disconnect and it honestly made it worse because it showed me how nice it is not to be working. I just had to use so much will to move my arms to reply to a simple email. It felt like ripping off a wax strip or jumping into the pool in terms of willpower and psyching myself up!
Any advice so I don’t totally tank my amazing reputation at the end (hopefully) of my time here? How do I will myself to do simple tasks?
Anon says
I don’t know but I’m in the same boat. Combination of burnout and bitterness for me too. I took several weeks off for mental health reasons in February 2021 and it was almost impossible to go back. Not working is just so much better. Honestly if you’re close to getting a new job I wouldn’t worry at all. I have no job prospects (I’ve been searching for more than a year, have found very only a couple of things to apply to, only had 1 interview and zero offers) so my main goal is just not getting fired. My reputation is already shot from the lack of childcare in 2020 and last winter.
Anonanonanon says
I tied a lot of my identity to my job and loved my job for years, so this feels like a weird shift for me. It’s like clinical depression (which I do have but is well-controlled with Wellbutrin!) but only in the area of work! I have no energy (for work), no interest in things that used to interest me (for work), feel worthless (for work), etc.
I’m sorry the job search isn’t going well. It wasn’t going well for me for a while and it was so discouraging! I’m crossing my fingers for you that the universe is holding out to present exactly the right opportunity!
Anon says
Yes, clinical depression but only for work is exactly how it feels for me too. I can’t do the simplest work related tasks but have plenty of energy for household and parenting stuff.
I have family reasons that make my job search really difficult but I appreciate the good vibes.
Anonymous says
Yeah, I’m close to this point. For me it’s the unreliable childcare that triggers my complete indifference to all things work. We were without care for two weeks last month due to everyone getting COVID, then we had two days off during the transition from spring term to summer camp, and now we have hand foot and mouth, so another week with two days absent. I just don’t care enough anymore to work in the evenings. I need an extended break, and probably a new job, too.
anonM says
HFM is horrible, and covid hit us hard too. That sounds so crappy I’m sorry!
Anonymous says
Right there with you, and I have no advice. My burnout comes from three sources: being trapped in my crummy too-small house with my husband 24/7, parenting challenges that predate the pandemic but were exacerbated by it, and the realization that my job is totally meaningless and everything I try to do will be discarded for political reasons. I am failing at work, parenting, running my household, and being a spouse. I’d like to quit my job so I could try to be successful at the other three, but that’s not in the cards.
Anon says
When I was in that mental state, I had 2 key strategies:
– morning to do lists. I would literally write down everything I had to do that day. I have the same routine/to do list every day. It doesn’t matter. I also wrote “breathe” multiple times on my to do list.
– optimizing my energy burst. Usually in the morning after coffee I could slug through stuff for an hour. The rest of the day was a grind and afternoons were awful.
anon says
Hive help please:
we have been let down by yet a second egg donor agency. we paid fee, did escrow and all that when the agency sends to have known the donor was doing a private cycle meanwhile.
we just want to sob.
please tell us about good experiences you had and the egency name?
thank you.