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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- The concept of “backup care” is so stupid…
- I need tips on managing employees in BigLaw who have to leave for daycare pickup…
- I’m thinking of leaning out to spend more time with my family – how can I find the perfect job for that?
- I’m now a SAHM and my husband needs to step up…
- How can I change my thinking to better recognize some of my husband’s contributions as important, like organizing the shed?
- What are your tips to having a good weekend with kids, especially with little kids? Do you have a set routine or plan?
Anon says
How do you cut down on holiday activities? Or do you just suck it up? We have Events every weekend from Thanksgiving to NYE, and that’s before any of the actual fun things like seeing Santa or making snowmen or taking the kids to shop for Other Parent.
The events are family and work related. I love family, and it includes two kid birthdays, so those are incredibly hard to skip. Work events are not nearly as fun, but they’re the one time each year that our workplaces do a social event, and we’re both high enough in the hierarchy that we need to at least make a showing.
But I see the exhaustion in my kids (4 and 2), and it’s only one week into Dec. It snowed this weekend and we didn’t even make it outside to play because we had a birthday party and a long-distance-family visit. Is it just silly that I feel so guilty that they didn’t get to make a snowman? How do I cut down on this stuff? How do I make sure my kids don’t hate the go-go-go of the holidays before they’re even school age?
Anon says
2 words – online shopping.
Lyssa says
I am constantly baffled about how my parents managed to have a big Christmas for 4 kids in the days before Amazon. Seriously, it is just not possible that that occurred.
Em says
My policy (partly because I have a baby who needs regular naps) is one event each Saturday or Sunday. Due to said naps and my baby not handling back-to-back events well, our attendance at each event is limited to 2-3 hours max, so that leaves a lot of buffer time each day. Could you implement a similar policy? I would also suggest that you schedule in the stuff you want to do that can be scheduled, like visiting Santa (obviously building a snowman is weather dependent), at the beginning of the season and count that as your event for the day. If you get an invitation for a birthday party or other family event that day, let them know that unfortunately you have a conflict and won’t be able to attend (this is the response even if the events don’t overlap in time). Mine and my husband’s work parties are both at night, so he is going to his alone (while I stay with the baby since it is after his bedtime), and we will probably get a sitter for mine. Unless you bring your kid’s to your work parties, I wouldn’t count those as events under the one-event-a-day policy.
anne-on says
Can you try to take a Friday or a Monday off? I try my best to do this every year to first, get the small amount of in-person shopping I do taken care of, and second – to wrap presents without little ones around! I also find people are pretty understanding about days off in December – everyone has kid’s holiday concerts/plays, travel, family stuff, etc.
And if at all possible – can you limit your activities to one per day, or one per weekend? We do our best to designate Sunday a ‘stay at home day’ to hang out, do laundry/groceries, eat pancakes, etc.
Anonymous says
“taking the kids to shop for Other Parent”
My kids are 5 and 2. We don’t do this. When I’m making breakfast one weekend morning, I’ll usually sit them up at the table to draw a ‘card’ for other parents. Then I involve the 5 year old when wrapping my gift to DH (which I ordered online).
Will wait until they are teenagers for them to ‘give’ something to other Parent.
Making snowmen/sliding/baking etc. happens AFTER Christmas – like between Christmas and New Year’s. I hate how all ‘Christmas’ stuff now has to happen before Christmas. It’s not even traditional! The 12 days of Christmas start on Christmas Day and go to January 6 (Old Christmas Day/Three Kings Day). If anyone gives you a hard time about not doing stuff before Dec 25 – just smugly announce that you prefer a traditional Christmas!
Jax says
Make a list of everything you want to do around the holidays (build a snowman! bake Grandma’s special cookies! drive around with hot chocolate looking at lights!) and then go back and star your most important. Figure out what would be great this year at this age, what might be more fun when the kids are older, and narrow your list down to “5 Things I Absolutely Want To Do This Year”. Then get out your calendar and plan specific days that you can do those 5 things.
For a few years I did an advent calendar where each day had an activity (watch a movie, decorate cookies, etc.) but this year I scaled back to concentrating on my core MUST HAPPEN and ditched the rest. My kids are 10 and 6 and I spent a lot of years trying to make things magical and ended up making myself miserable. This year I decided to give myself a year “off” and I scaled back everything. The house is lightly decorated, all presents came from Amazon, packages are wrapped without bows, screw baking, and instead of Christmas movies we’re really into Gilmore Girls. My oldest has a lot going on (homework, dance, orchestra) and my youngest seems worn out on school days. We’re taking it easy.
You don’t have to hit everything this Christmas. There will be others!
CPA Lady says
Agreed with the suggestion to not overdo it. My sister told me about some article she read that said to only do the holiday things that don’t make you yell more. It really resonated with both of us. Think about the things that you and your kids both really love. Do those things. Don’t do the stuff you think you “should” and then end up yelling and everyone miserable. I think back to the happiest moments of my childhood and literally not one single one of them is something that my mom manufactured so that we would have “special memories”. They were all normal days playing in the woods with my little sister or picking blackberries in the back yard in the summer.
CPA Lady says
Oh, and I hated going to see Santa at the mall. I was a timid child and thought it was really creepy being forced to sit on a strange man’s lap.
Pogo says
I am an adult, and I think its creepy…
shiksa says
I married a Jew and not going to lie, one of his (small) pluses was never having to do Santa ever again. Between the sitting on a strange man’s lap which always creeped me out as a kid and parents/older kids lying to kids about Santa (and how to explain that Santa was really generous with them but not generous at all with poor classmate?)… yay for Hanukkah.
Anonymous says
Oh man, my kids hated visiting Santa. It literally never occurred to me to just not take them. HA!
Spirograph says
We go to see – and only see – Santa at the mall. The line to actually sit on his lap is way too long at any time that’s convenient for us to go, and my kids are pretty shy around strangers so I have no confidence that waiting in the line would result in a positive experience. Plus they won’t let you take your own pictures, and hard-sell the $15 ones that the elves take. So we go to the mall, admire the Santa setup, wave, and continue on our merry way. If kiddos ever express interest in a one-on-one encounter, maybe I’ll reconsider, but I’m not going to put that idea in their heads!
Jax says
I LOVE THIS! It’s a great motto for all Family Fun Activities! Don’t do anything that’s going to leave you screaming or reaching for the wine rather than enjoying your kids.
ChiLaw says
There’s a section in Kobo Abe’s Woman in the Dunes where he describes a summer Sunday, but it has always resonated with me:
It only happened in novels or movies that summer was filled with dazzling sun. What existed in reality were humble, small-town Sundays… a man taking his snooze under the political columns of a newspaper, enveloped in gunsmoke… canned juices and thermos jugs with magnetized caps… boats for hire, fifty cents an hour—queue up here… foaming beaches with the leaden scum of dead fish… and then, at the end, a jam-packed trolley rickety with fatigue. Everyone knows
this is fact, but no one wants to make a fool of himself and be taken in; so, on the gray canvas of reality, he zestfully sketches the mere form of this illusory festival. Miserable, unshaven fathers, shaking their complaining children by the shoulder trying to make them say it has been a pleasant Sunday… little scenes everyone has seen in the corner of some trolley… people’s pathetic jealousy and impatience with others’ happiness.
SC says
It sounds like your work events and the family birthday parties are pretty firm obligations, and to be fair the birthday parties are not really “holiday” events. You may just have to accept that it’s a busy time of year. Could you cut down on the other holiday outings–the organized holiday activities like seeing Santa and taking kids shopping for the other parent? My mom has photos of me with Santa every single year until I was 9 or 10, and I actually have no memory of a single one of those Santa visits. Most of my favorite Christmas memories are definitely things we did at home–the big pile of Christmas books by the fireplace, decorating the tree with my mom while watching made-for-tv Christmas movies (does anyone else remember the movie Ebbie?), baking for my teachers, doing small Christmas crafts.
Anonymous says
Exhaustion is absolutely an excuse to cut back. I don’t skip naps/rest time and we only do one event per day. This leaves time for more spontaneous fun (playing in the fortuitous snow) around the house. I also don’t see the point in taking a 4yo and 2yo shopping for the other parent. Filed under “spontaneous fun around the house,” let them color on some big paper, make that the wrapping paper, and have them help you wrap whatever you pick.
Real talk: it is not fair to exhaust your kids because of your own guilt or agenda. They will get sick and then you will get sick and then you will be behind at work and sick and the whole thing really will be ruined.
Momata says
sorry, this was me.
NewMomAnon says
My weekend days with kiddo have three “blocks” of available time: early morning (kiddo wakes up by 6:30 am), late morning/lunch, and late afternoon/early evening/dinner. That means I have 6 blocks each weekend (actually 5 with our current parenting arrangement). I am steadfast about preserving at least one block each day of unscheduled time; we can use that time to build a snowman, make cookies, decorate, do a project, whatever makes us happy right then. That activity must be done close to home; we can walk to the park, or walk to a nearby restaurant or friend’s house, but no driving. And if events and activities requiring travel don’t fall within the pre-designated blocks, then we don’t do them.
Some things that make this easier; Santa visits with reservations (and yes, this counts against one of my “travel” blocks), having cookie baking or crafting supplies on hand (including pre-selected recipes for any baking adventure), and flexible expectations about the amount of cookies, decorating, or other merriment you’ll accomplish during the season.
I also believe that the holiday season extends into the first few weeks of January, so my holiday cards frequently are sent after New Years and we go look at lights between Xmas and New Years. Snowmen, sledding, snow angels, snow sports – those usually can be done in January, February and March.
NOVA Anon says
On the Santa visit, we took our LO the week before Thanksgiving – he was at the mall as of at least the Friday before Thanksgiving and there was literally no one there. Santa spent 10 minutes talking to kiddo, and it was very memorable I think (we’ll see what he thinks in a few years). I know many people boycott Christmas before Thanksgiving, but getting just this one thing “out of the way” really helped.
Lyssa says
Can we do a thread about the actual logistics of how you plan Christmas day to go for young kids? I came from a big family and our extended family was far off, so we had a pretty solid routine in place throughout my childhood (I was the oldest, so there were kids young enough to be excited well after I had personally outgrown most of it.) But our family is really different (smaller immediate, lots and lots of extended to visit with).
Here’s the current plan, my kids are 1.5 and 4: Christmas eve will be mostly prepping food and household (hopefully done wrapping, but you know how that goes). My mom and Santa (my dad – longstanding tradition, though I’m not sure if he’ll be there the whole time or Grandpop will find an excuse to step out) plan to visit sometime in the evening, and they want to read the Night Before Christmas with the kids. Bed as usual, and then we’ll set up the presents, and I expect that the kids will get up around 7-8 a.m. The rest of the family wants to come over sometime “late morning” (whatever that means), so I guess we’ll try to get up and dressed before the kids are too far up (bribing the older one with the ipad, I guess). The family is my mom and dad, 2 brothers and their wives, a 7 year old girl, and twin 3 year old boys.
We’re thinking of having pastries and whatnot ready to eat for breakfast. I’m not sure if we’ll do presents early or wait for the family, or some combination. Family will come and have more gifts. Will try to get the 1.5 yr old down for a nap at some point, but I’m not optimistic about that. We’ll put out snack/appetizer stuff mid-day and have a big dinner (I want to roast a goose because that’s the thing in the songs and all, but none of us have ever even eaten goose, much less cooked it, so I’m open to other suggestions). Long, busy day of craziness, I’m sure. (Then we anticipate going to visit my husband’s side of the family 1.5 hours away the next day for another long and busy day!)
Anonymous says
I’m actually doing something similar and I’m really excited about it. I have 2 kids, 2 and 5 years old (they’ll tell you they’re 2.5 and 5.5). We’re having my immediate family and my H’s immediate family over at 9am on xmas. We each have 2 parents and 1 sibling (neither of whom have kids but both have SOs), so it’s a manageable crowd. I plan to have pastries, banana bread, oatmeal cookies, fruit, and drinks (coffee, tea, hot chocolate, OJ, etc.) out for breakfast. I plan to cook a ham for dinner (way easier than a bird of any sort) and I’m aiming to eat around 1pm. I might send the kids to their rooms with a couple new toys after/during dinner so the adults can get a break and so the kids can get some quiet time (though I doubt any napping will take place). I’m hoping/expecting people will stay until about 4pm, and I know that at least one guest will be staying overnight. I don’t plan to cook anything for supper, but if people are hungry, I’ll offer ham and whatever leftovers there are (or spaghetti, I guess). I plan to stay in my (reasonably cute, christmas-y) PJs until the kids have a few gifts to play with, and then shower and get dressed while H oversees unwrapping gifts. I bought matching PJs for the kids and plan to have them change before dinner as well.
anne-on says
We did something almost exactly like this when I was a kid. Some ways we made it manageable – my parents (with no family in town) took us out to dinner on Christmas Eve and then one parent put us to bed while the other finished wrapping/setting up. If you have grandparents around put them on kid duty and use the time to cook/bake/prep. I am also the designated present wrapper in our house. Which means that either my husband takes on extra bath/bed time duties so I can finish in the weeks before, or he picks a weekend day and takes the kiddo out for a good 2-3 hours (museum, activity, whatever) so I can wrap presents and watch cheesy christmas movies.
Day of Christmas – have your family breakfast (coffee, plus whatever is easy) for you. Afterwards let the kiddos play with their toys or watch a movie while you get dressed. Snacky food for lunch is great – and tell your family to help! put them in charge of bringing a ready to eat appetizer! I also swear by a breakfast bake that can be eaten room temperature/during lunch. Kids will entertain each other, and be prepared to have a movie or something on in the background. Roasts (pork loin, chicken, filet, turkey) are good easy options for dinner. Pair with a nice green salad (dried cherries, goat cheese, red onion, and candied walnuts are great!) plus bread and maybe one other easy side – and you’re done! Plus wine for you and car naps for the kids ;)
Anonymous says
We’re visiting with my husband’s family this Christmas and are doing a sort of modified Secret Santa among the adults. (Because regular Secret Santa was too simple??) Each couple is getting a gift for a man and a gift for a woman, and then there is some sort of trading — the first person to go opens a present, and the second person can then either keep their present or make the first person switch with them, and so forth. (I think this is going to be awkward, because I’m not going to feel comfortable insulting someone’s crappy present by switching it… but I have said my piece and this is what we are doing for some reason.) Anyhow, what are your best recommendations for generic “woman” and “man” gifts? I’m thinking nice cashmere wrap, and a nice bottle of bourbon. Any better ideas? The wrap won’t work for everyone, because some people live in the tropics, but I guess that’s where the trading comes in…
Anonymous says
Oops, this was meant to be its own question, not a response to the question above!
ChiLaw says
Ugh this is frustrating. I would be miffed at the “man” and “woman” part and do something smart-assy, like identical bottles of wine with male and female symbols on the card. Actually, if you do that, I bet your present will be super popular! Another option would be weird-but-useful kitchen gadgets (again who cares about the gender thing?) because almost everyone can use a cool pizza cutter or whatever.
quail says
That’s what I’ve heard called “Yankee Swap” up here – no one should be insulted by swapping. That’s part of the “fun” of taking what you know or going for a new gift (usually wrapped so it’s a surprise). My go-to for these sort of things is always get something I wouldn’t mind having, in case I end up with it, like nice coffee or some other fancy consumable, as I don’t have much desire for generic “woman gifts”. Is there a price range? (Also, have you seen the SNL woman candle bit? Hilarious.)
We are just doing a true, draw names secret santa among adults in my husband’s family – we did it last year and it worked out well.
lsw says
For the “late morning” uncertainty – can you give them a time? I know personally I would stress about that uncertainty big time. Like, say 11:00 (or whatever) and then your knowledge of whether your family runs early, late, or right on time helps.
This is our first year with our baby and we have my family (far away, and their first grandchild) and his family (close by) and also his daughter’s mom and family (close by, and also we want her with us for part of the time obviously!) so there are so many logistics. Last year when we were knew we were pregnant at Christmas but hadn’t told anyone, we decided we were just going to announce we were celebrating at our house on Christmas Day and let our families decide what they wanted to do. That has mostly worked, even though my mom was fraught with details (she just would be regardless, so whatever), and my husband’s mom apparently was very, very intent on hosting SOMETHING, so now we are going over there on Christmas Eve. I’m glad we have minimized traveling with a baby and a ten year old and I’m also selfishly glad not to have to drive four hours for the first time in 15 years.
Our house is not huge but I feel like we’ll make it work. There aren’t any other kids besides ours, so that makes it a little easier.
We still have to figure out seeing my extended families, so I think we’ll be traveling the following weekend.
mascot says
Christmas Eve- Drinks and heavy appetizers for dinner with my parents who are staying with us, very low key. We may do one present. Try to get the 6 year old in bed at a normal time. Santa doesn’t use wrapping paper so that really cuts down on preparation.
Christmas Day- We will be lucky if we get to 7am before it all goes crazy. In the morning we will have eggnog and (pre-made) breakfast items for the family that is staying is us. All family will arrive at our house mid-afternoon (10 adults, 3 kids). No idea what we are having yet. Probably beef tenderloin because we can grill that and most people will eat it.
I’ve had goose before. I didn’t care for it- gamey and greasy. I’d go with a “roast beast” of some sort- standing rib roast/prime rib,tenderloin, ham or pork roast, etc. I actually prefer christmas dinner to thanksgiving because there are fewer “must-have” menu items.
My most ambitious project will be to make a buche de noel, probably on the morning of the 24th.
Anonymous says
Wait, Santa doesn’t use wrapping paper?! How does this work?
mascot says
Santa just arranges the gifts on the hearth below your stocking. Or lays out your stocking/stuff on a chair, etc. It’s a pretty cool wow factor to see it all sitting there, especially for toys that had been pre-assembled. The gifts from mom and dad are wrapped under the tree. This was the way it was done when I was growing up, and man, it’s genius for time saving.
Mrs. Jones says
Of course Santa doesn’t wrap! He just puts our son’s big present under an afghan, in case son sneaks downstairs before the rest of us. :)
Pogo says
Santa only doesn’t wrap big things – because he had to use magic to get them down the chimney. Otherwise, they get wrapped with Santa-specific paper.
anon says
In our home Santa only supplies gifts in stockings and a couple other larger gifts that go under/next to the tree. All are unwrapped. When I was a kid Santa sometimes wrapped gifts, but only at my grandparents’ house, with handwriting similar to my grandmother’s, which was HIGHLY SUSPICIOUS.
Edna Mazur says
Yup, Santa just leaves the gifts under the tree with at post-it note with the recipient’s name on it. When my mom was a kid and post-it notes weren’t invented, Santa just put the recipient’s shoe on their gift so they know whose was whose.
EB0220 says
My parents always wrapped Santa presents in special Santa paper but my mom was a SAHM. My husband’s family (two working parents) had unwrapped Santa presents and I’ve totally stolen that idea.
Spirograph says
yup, my mom was a SAHM and we had santa-specific wrapping paper, too. At my house, I think Santa won’t wrap presents. I had never considered this, but it’s genius! My kids are only getting one big shared present (play kitchen) and stuff in their stockings from Santa this year anyway.
Meg Murry says
We tend to re-use gift bags (much faster than wrapping), so I told my kids that Santa likes that we recycle and that I leave him a note to let him know where the gift bags and wrapping paper are (they are in a closet in the same room as the Christmas tree). That way I don’t have to worry about “special” Santa paper.
avocado says
Santa has special wrapping paper, but last year the roll ran out so this year he bought a new roll that of course has different pictures. A few days ago the kid told me she really likes the wrapping paper Santa always uses because it has cute deer on it. She is going to be so disappointed.
She is almost 10 and has slipped up and let on that she knows the secret several times already. I think she is trying to keep the magic alive as long as possible, but seriously, the wrapping paper has to be the same every year? There is only so much Santa can do.
SC says
When I was growing up, my aunt always did a breakfast casserole on Christmas morning for the grandparents, aunt, uncle, and cousin (me). You can make it the night before and pop it in the oven Christmas Day. This year I’m pushing for salmon platter and bagels for Christmas breakfast.
For dinner, I seriously suggest making something you have made before. Like duck, goose can be tricky because of the fat under the skin but not actually in the meat–do it wrong, and you somehow have greasy but dry meat. Ham would be super easy because it’s precooked and just needs to be heated through. Beef is much more forgiving as well. If you want the visual of a bird, turkey is probably easier than goose.
FWIW, our Christmas plans are super crazy, and it’s probably going to be a disaster. Christmas Eve we go to MIL’s house for dinner, which is always served an hour late, and gifts. We usually leave after 10 pm. Christmas Day we’ll wake up and do immediate family/Santa gifts. Then we go to FIL’s for breakfast. Then we go to MIL’s extended family’s party at noon for a 2:00 lunch, and we’re supposed to bring a dish (actually, I’m trying to get out of bringing food by not responding to the family email thread). Then FIL and step-mother are coming to our house for dinner. So, the “plan” with our 1.5-yo is to hold our breath and hope for the best.
Sarabeth says
We do the big family dinner on Christmas Eve, then Christmas day is for wearing pajamas all day and eating leftovers. My parents will probably come over that afternoon, but we will be in our PJs in front of the fire and they will just hang out. I refuse to leave my house on Christmas, except maybe to walk around the block.
avocado says
This is what we do, except that we get cabin fever by afternoon so we shower, have leftovers for lunch, then head out to a movie. Most years my mom is staying with us, so she is part of the low-key Christmas Day.
We tell the kid she is not allowed to wake anyone up before a designated hour. She usually ends up sitting outside the guest room waiting to see when Grandma turns her light on, then they read or play dolls together quietly until the official wake-up time. No one goes downstairs until the whole family is ready, so mom + dad + grandma all get to witness the “wow” moment. We take turns opening stockings, one item at a time, round-robin fashion. Then we eat an easy breakfast before opening presents.
Closet Redux says
The visual of your kiddo waiting at grandma’s door and then reading or playing together is SO CUTE.
SC says
So cute! My aunt used to take my cousin and me to a movie on Christmas Day, or whatever day we ended up doing gifts with that side of the family. Funny story–My parents and I had to drive at least 3 hours, and later 12 hours, to my grandparents’ house. So after all the gifts from that side of the family were opened, my parents would let me keep a couple of small things like books out and pack the rest of the toys in the car. So, inevitably, 3 hours after we opened presents, I was bored. And they were baffled that I could be bored after getting so many new toys–which were still in packaging, in the back of the car.
Anon says
I grew up in a household with 4 sets of families (divorced/remarried parents). The back and forth was awful, so I swore my kids would not leave the house on Christmas.
We are home by 6:30pm on Christmas Eve. We open stockings and drink hot chocolate and read the Christmas story. Then we wake up in the morning and open presents, just us, and lounge around and play/talk/etc. No screens allowed.
We do an Open House starting at noon. Family, friends, and neighbors all stop by to say hi and exchange gifts. We have a brunch/late lunch thing happening with various drinks. We stay in our Christmas pajamas the whole day.
It’s my own personal heaven on earth.
SC says
This sounds amazing. Between Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, we visit 3 different houses besides ours (and one of those twice). One year DH and I were so tired that we threw in a stop at a 5th extended family meal, because we knew if we went home we’d fall asleep before the last event.
NewMomAnon says
Mine looks a little different because of the divorce component, but I like it – typically, kiddo spends either Xmas Day or Xmas Eve with me, and we go to my parents’ house for a “grandparents and uncle/aunt” celebration. Her dad and I have managed to navigate a joint Xmas morning “Santa” present opening; one of us sneaks into the other’s house and sets up the Santa presents, then we both get to participate in Santa. I have a close group of friends who does a “Yankee Swap” thing, and we often do it on Xmas Eve morning, so sometimes kiddo comes along and sometimes not. On my “off” holiday, I go to my parents’ house and do an elaborate craft project with them, then we make an early dinner.
And my extended family does an out of town retreat over New Years, which is a great way to chill out after the running around of Xmas week.
Anononymous says
My MIL & FIL tried to do roast goose last year. They are serious, adventurous cooks and it was a disaster. After the fat melted off it was very small and dry. And these are people who cook duck regularly! Do duck, a roast or turkey.
anon says
My mother’s Christmas and Easter morning breakfast tradition was Pillsbury Cinnamon rolls – the ones in a can. Normally she was all whole grain cereal and the occasional whole wheat pancake breakfast on weekends, so we loved this. We also got Fruit Loops and Tang while on vacation.
Edna Mazur says
We always lived too far away from family to really travel much at Christmas growing up, and when I moved away my folks encouraged me to do the same thing. My husbands parents live about half an hour away so we do see them. Usually looks like this:
-Work until early afternoon on Christmas Eve, then 4:30 church. In laws come over and we do heavy appetizers and open some gifts.
– Either go to bed early (sometimes I sing or attend midnight mass, usually on my own while husbands stays with sleeping kids). Set out Santa, etc.
-Wake up in the morning, do Santa/family gifts; hang out in our PJs; eat breakfast;
– If the in-laws are having extended family over for Christmas we usually head there early to mid-afternoon.
Sometimes I’m sad that we don’t spend Christmas with my family (7+ hours away) but mostly I love that this time of year really isn’t that crazy, and Christmas day is super chill.
Meg Murry says
Lots of comments here similar to how our family does things, so I won’t repeat. There are pros and cons to having people to your house vs going elsewhere. My only rules are: my kids will have Christmas morning at our house, anyone who wants to come see them open presents is welcome, but we aren’t making the kids wait for you to open their Santa presents or dragging them out of the house to your house before 11 am or so; and we aren’t ping ponging between multiple family events in one day.
I like to do a brunch at our house on Christmas morning, because it’s easy – brunch pretty much encompasses all foods, and it means you can start drinking mimosas and Bloody Marys early in the morning :-). I make an egg bake casserole (aka strata) in the afternoon of Christmas Eve, and then use the oven timer to turn on and preheat the oven. Typically if I pop the casserole in when the kids drag me out of bed, it’s ready to eat around the time when we are done opening presents. We have a big Christmas Eve dinner at my parent’s house, so we typically eat leftovers from that and graze on brunch food all day on Christmas – no formal meals.
One trick I’ve figured out: if you take the kid’s to the Grandparents house, and they get a bunch of noisy, annoying or huge toys, you can just pull the “wow, that’s a great thing to leave to play at Grandma’s house!” and leave those items behind. After 2-3 birthday/Christmas of that, my MIL started to be a little bit more thoughtful about what she bought the kids as presents and take the annoyance/space factor into consideration, and learned to do things like check noisemaking toys for on/off switches or ask us our opinion first, etc.
My parents always let us open one gift on Christmas Eve, and often steered us toward opening a book or other quiet activity, and let us take it to our room that night so we could read or quietly play in our room and not wake them up at 3 am or similar.
EP-er says
We spend Christmas Eve baking yeast rolls and whatever else for dinner. We give the kids each a present with new Christmas jammies to wear and a new Christmas book/movie. In the afternoon, we head over to my parents’ house for dinner & presents with my siblings/nephews. We used to sneak a candlelight (11 PM) church service in, but haven’t done that really since having kids. We go home, get the kids in bed, get the presents situated, and go to bed.
Christmas morning is only for us — husband and the kids. This way there are no hard feelings about which grandma got to see Santa presents. Whatever. Husband’s mother & uncle are welcome to come over anytime after 11. We spend the afternoon with them at our house and cook them dinner. I love that we don’t have to leave the house Christmas Day at all! We aren’t spending all day driving like when I was a kid. My mother does host a dinner for her siblings/kids earlier in the month, so we do get to see still see the extended family on her side at Christmas-time, just not on Christmas.
Pigpen's Mama says
Anyone want to share THEIR gift list?
DH has asked for a list for me, and the only things I really want are time “off” (which he can help with, but the real issue is work) and a few odd/unicorn clothing items (lounge pants with pockets, the perfect post-shower robe, sufficiently long tunics that don’t make me look pregnant, the perfect jeans, etc.) that I don’t want anyone else to pick out, but I don’t have the time to hunt for.
Yes, I’m such a control freak that putting together a wish list is a stressful activity…sigh.
Anonymous says
DH and I just moved from an apartment to a house, so my wishlist is LONG. Stand mixer, glass measuring cups that go up to a giant 5-cup one, a whole bunch of books (I really enjoy self-help and parenting books), candles, salt lamp, sun lamp, tea storage box (turns out, I have like 8 kinds of tea even though I’m a coffee drinker), arts and crafts stuff to make it easier for me to help the kids (3-hole punch, single hole punch, hot glue gun, paper cutter), Sage Living (book about home decor), pillow covers (the zipper ones that go under regular pillowcases), indoor-outdoor thermometer, 2 matching cell phone car mounts so DH and I can have the same set up in both cars….. I’m sure there’s more but hopefully something on there helps you! I’ve totally outed myself now :(
Em says
Re lounge pants with pockets – when I was pregnant I had to size up my lounge pants and didn’t want to spend a lot of money (since I figured I would only wear them for a few months) so I bought a few pairs from Walmart, all of which I still wear 9 months post partum because they are actually really comfortable and not bad quality, and one of them has pockets.
Anonymous says
My list was similar to yours. I’m expecting to so I put: Fancy maternity robe from PinkBlushMaternity (I picked out a few choices), fancy pajamas from J. Crew (the long-sleeved night shirts). If you want the perfect jeans I suggest Paige Skyline Skinny. I also love Thyme candles (frasier fir smells exactly like a christmas tree).
SC says
DH and I bought ourselves/each other a new lens for our camera. I asked my mom for an olive oil cruet and replacements for some dishes that broke. I asked my in-laws for money (that was an explicit option). I’ve lost about 25 lbs lately, so I need new clothes, but I have no idea what size I am and am still losing weight, so I’ll probably use the cash to buy bras and jeans. That’s probably the most boring Christmas list ever.
ANP says
I have this problem too! How about:
+ A StitchFix gift card so you can get a couple of new pieces of clothing
+ A pair of Tieks, Ugg slippers, or Frye boots
+ Polaroid Instax (?) camera and film
+ Spa day — or if you don’t have that much free time right now, a manicure and pedicure
+ InstantPot or other kitchen gadget
+ New weekend bag
+ Netflix subscription
Anonymous says
Oh — this made me think — I really want a Luxe30 subscription from my DH!
Pogo says
I always put refills on beauty items that I needs – like my night moisturizer from Origins, or my favorite eyeliner/mascara/etc from Sephora.
The other thing I usually ask for is new running shoes. This year I also asked for wireless headphones for running and a new gym bag. Sometimes I ask for leggings for yoga/running.
It’s hard to think of ideas when you’re an adult!
Anon says
Go to one of those subscription box review sites. Ask for a few months worth of whichever one makes you happy. There are books (of all genres), coffee, tea, crafting, wine, beauty, clothes, geek stuff, world food, ethically sourced kitchen stuff, socks, spices, stickers, even coloring books.
I asked for various ones at Christmas last year and ended up getting 3 different subscriptions. In addition to the fun of getting presents for a whole year, I now have a million ideas on my list because of little trinkets/ideas I got. Like, I loved my Moroccan Try The World box and now I want a tagine and Moroccan spice blend so I can make that food more often. I found a new author from a book subscription and want her whole back catalog (Laila Lalami – I loved The Moors Account from the Book of the Month Club).
Sarabeth says
A beautiful, hand-thrown mug for my office tea and coffee, and some poetry broadsides to put up on my office walls. Finally going to make my office feel cozy this year.
ChiLaw says
I sent my husband an amazon wish list. We agreed on a $50 budget so it will be a few little things.
My list was:
— a wristlet that was on cyber monday clearance, grey or black to go with all the dresses i’m likely to wear while carrying it (gave him some choices, pretty sure he picked my first choice)
— some ridiculous sunglasses
— a sweater shaver
— books (‘nice girls don’t get the corner office’ and ‘unmentionable’)
avocado says
We have somehow established a pattern where if I never buy myself jewelry, even if it’s modestly or moderately priced. If I see something I want, I send my husband the information and ask him to add it to my birthday/holiday wish list. This way I get exactly what I want, I don’t have to feel guilty about spending money on it myself, and he doesn’t pick out stuff I don’t like.
Anon says
Ooooo, get that Duffield robe from Ugg and let me live vicariously through you!
RR says
Sudara makes super comfy, lovely lounge pants with pockets (and you benefit a good cause).
AwayEmily says
I just ordered some lounge pants (Champion brand) with pockets on Amazon today. Haven’t tried them yet but they are only $14! https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01H3YIYGC/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
Anonymous says
Love my LL Bean fleece lined robe. Lived in it last winter while nursing during maternity leave!
Anonymous says
Venting — Almost in my third trimester and got my first unsolicited “You’re too small you need to eat more — do you not have an appetite?” comment from a stranger, at work. I just responded with “oh the baby is a fine size and everyone is different,” but it’s just made me roll my eyes. I check with my doctor at every appointment that I’ve gained enough weight and they assured me that I have.
Mrs. Jones says
People are the worst with the random comments during pregnancy. I gained exactly the recommended weight, but at the grocery store, someone asked, When are you due? I said, six weeks. She said, Oh, you’re not going to make it (implying that I was so enormous that wasn’t possible). I just ignored her although I wanted to do something ruder. Then son arrived exactly on his due date, so suck it, random lady!
Anonymous says
Yeh my SIL was really short in stature, so everyone kept telling her she was going to go early and she was 10 days late!
lsw says
I’m 5’10” and didn’t look truly pregnant until really late and it went from people thinking I was too small to within a week thinking I was going to go any minute. Everyone’s an expert.
Anonymous says
Yess — I’m 5’8″ and was in good shape before getting pregnant, so it’s pretty normal that I’m not that large.
ChiLaw says
I gained almost no weight while pregnant (not a brag, I was fat before and am fat now, but while I was pregnant I just cut out some less healthy stuff and parts of me shrank while my stomach grew) but I kept getting both “you don’t even look pregnant!!!” and “oh my gosh you’re gonna pop any day!” (in my second trimester). People are gross and should STFU about other people’s bodies.
Anon says
Ugh. It would have taken all my will not to come back with something about their body (looks like you should lay off the cookies this holiday season if you don’t want to get diabetes…) just to make the point of how inappropriate these comments are. Pregnancy does not make body shaming ok.
Anonymous says
I think I’m just always too shocked to say anything rude. Plus really, I’m at work, just because they say something inappropriate doesn’t mean its OK for me to as well.
Closet Redux says
It’s no better on the other side. My male boss said “Big Momma!” when I walked into his shared office last week. Um, f— you.
Anonymous says
That’s insane. I can’t believe someone would say that!
JP says
This drives me berserk. I get the “too small” comment all the time (I’m 4’11″…I just hide babies well, apparently? my weight gain is within target, baby’s size is average to big). I feel the need to tell people who comment that the OB says the baby is doing great, which speaks to my insecurity about it. You cannot win. If you are too big, people comment/assume you’ve let yourself go. Too small, people assume you’re vain and not wanting to gain weight and putting your baby at risk. I can’t wait to give birth so that people stop commenting on my body…although I know it will then turn into talk about losing the baby weight. Sigh.
Anonymous says
Yes — and even if they don’t talk about it they’ll stare at you for a second longer to see how much weight you’ve lost (or not lost).
JP says
Yeah, and the lack of “you look great!” will say everything. My extended family is the master of this. If nobody comments on how great you look, you know that you look like cr@p.
Anglophile says
On the other side of things, at a cocktail party this weekend I had a woman ask me for my due date. When I responded April 2017, she replied in a shocked tone, “Really!? Are you having twins!?” I honestly did not think things like that happened in real life! I did respond with a very sarcastic, “Thanks, I think that was a compliment?” and walked away. On the other end of the spectrum, the host of the party specifically asked my mother if I was expecting because she was not sure and did not want to say anything just in case. Why people think it is ever okay to comment on someone’s body, big or small, is beyond me.
In better news, just found out yesterday we are having another boy! I was thinking girl only because this pregnancy has been so different (holy all day sickness), but I am super excited for our son to have a brother!
Betty says
Congrats!!
Anglophile says
:)
Erin S says
Ladies, I need a sanity check! I have a 19 month old daughter. Ever since she started eating solids at 6 months, I have been admittedly on the more extreme side of her food, in that we only want her to eat fruits, veggies, proteins and beans. She also has tortillas from time to time when she has burritos, and sometimes has toast with natural peanut butter. My nanny and my mother in law both watch her (nanny 3 days a week and mother in law 2 days a week). My daughter is seriously a human garbage disposal – she will eat anything and she usually clears her plate. The ped has never been overly concerned, but she is near the top of the charts for weight. The last time we saw our ped she said to just monitor my daughter’s intake and make sure we weren’t overfeeding her or feeding her extra (like extra snacks that weren’t necessary). We’ve never given her a mid morning snack, but she always has a mid afternoon snack.
A couple weeks ago, my mother in law mentioned that she (my mother in law) gave my daughter part of MIL’s bagel after breakfast and before lunch. MIL said that daughter was crying when MIL was eating it so MIL gave her part of it. Fine, not a big deal. Today (I work from home), they got back before lunch and my daughter was eating a bagel. Should I now be suspicious that my MIL feeds her bagels every day? Should I have my husband talk to her? How should I handle? Am I overreacting and should it not matter that my daughter might have part of a bagel two days a week when my MIL watches her? Also, my MIL and my nanny both log my daughter’s lunch and afternoon snack on babyconnect (an iphone app). Should I now be suspicious that MIL gives her mid morning snacks all the time and never logs them????
Anonymous says
Wait…you don’t give your child any grains besides the occasional tortilla? I would support your mother in law giving her some bagel then. You’ve put your 19 month old on a Atkins diet.
Anonymous says
Also….it sounds like theres little to no fat in her diet. Please keep in mind that developing brains need fat (and lots of it!). If she’s short on fat in her diet she’s probably feeling a lot hungrier than she would normally.
mascot says
+1 to more fats. Does she eat whole-milk dairy? Avocados, fatty fish, nut butters, eggs? It sounds like she is getting some carbs with beans, fruit and starchy vegetables, but some grains aren’t going to hurt, IMO.
Also, has she always been in one of the higher percentiles for weight? If so, then she is just maintaining her own growth curve. The advice from a pediatrician not to give her unnecessary snacks doesn’t mean don’t feed her snacks if she’s really hungry, just don’t feed her a lot of junk.
I get it, it’s hard to reconcile what a healthy child’s diet looks like when as adults our metabolism is cr*p and all we hear about is paleo this and no sugar that. But, I wouldn’t start restricting her food choices based on those messages.
Meg Murry says
+1 to kids need fat for brain development! You can try to lean toward healthier fats (avocado, coconut and olive oil, nuts) as opposed to mostly butter and lard and bacon fat – but your child needs fats!
And another +1 to not worrying if she is maintaining her place on the growth curve – especially if she is proportional. If she suddenly shot from 20th percentile to 80th percentile or if her height is 10th percentile but her weight is 90th percentile, then yes, you might want to be concerned – but your pediatrician would tell you that. But if, for instance, she’s 80th percentile for height and 90th for weight, you don’t need to be concerned. Especially if she’s always been 90th percentile.
As far as the food tracking goes – is that just so you know approximately what she ate and when she napped, or for potential allergen concerns, etc? Or are you actually tracking down every bite?
If Grandma gave her a bagel the size of her head every day an hour before lunch and then she didn’t eat any lunch – ok, you should talk to MIL and mention not spoiling meals with snacks. If Grandma shares part of her bagel at 9:30 and then kiddo still eats a balanced lunch at noon? Not a big deal, and you should probably chill a little.
And yes, what the pediatrician was saying was basically “don’t feed her goldfish, juice and fruit snacks every afternoon to bribe her to be quiet and cause her not to eat dinner”. Not “no snacking between meals ever!”
Erin S says
Thanks, Ladies! To answer some of your questions:
She absolutely gets milk (we did whole, and then the ped advised us to go down to 2% since my daughter keeps creeping up on the charts in weight but not in height, so it’s not super proportionate), avocados, cheese, etc.! And lots of things that she eats is cooked in olive oil. Sample breakfast includes 1 egg, peas sprinkled with a little romano cheese, and 1 banana; sample lunch would be chicken meatballs, avocado and berries; sample snack would be cheese snacks, fruits, veggies; sample dinner would be turkey patty (our nanny makes a really delicious one with veggies and some bread crumbs), carrots and other veggies or fruits.
Also to answer other questions, she used to be below the 2% for weight, and then around 6-8 months she started shooting up, and now she’s at about 80 something % for weight. We’ve never done anything drastically different with her diet – I breast fed for 13 months, and we introduced solids around 6 months.
As I said, my ped isn’t overly concerned, but she said we would re-evaluate when my daughter is 2. She just advised us to switch to 2% milk instead of whole, and she said to watch the portions and not to overfeed, i.e. don’t feed in between normal meal times and snack times. So I truly don’t think that the ped actually meant don’t feed her gold fish and juice – the ped knows that’s not something we really give her anyways, she knows that she eats healthy 80% of the time.
For food tracking, it’s b/c I want to know what she ate, and when she naps. For example if she has a banana for lunch, I want to give her a different fruit for dinner. It’s absolutely not tracking down every bite! The way I see it, if a child goes to daycare, the daycare writes out daily reports, and I want something like that too even though I have in home providers!
RR says
At least our daycare stops providing that information at some point. After the infant room, you move into just knowing what they were offered and not really what they ate in detail. Now that she is 3, I don’t even know what was served (they would tell me if I asked, but years of experience with the center lead me to believe it to be fine and not need the details).
Erin S says
RR, I’m sure every daycare is different! I’ve asked my friends whose kids go to daycare about what type of information they get, and most seem to have daily/weekly reports and also a calendar showing the lunch and snack options so if the parent doesn’t like something then they can provide their own.
And also I think what you said is key – you have years of experience with the center so you trust them. I guess I’ll be honest – point blank I don’t 100% trust my mother in law with food. I posted below, but it’s kind of been a long struggle from the beginning (she did not understand breast feeding and thought we were starving our daughter). She also does other annoying food related things, like try to feed my daughter with a spoon or a fork even though we’ve told her before to let my daughter feed herself (she totally can and prefers to) b/c she should be controlling what goes in her mouth. So, I guess all in all I don’t completely trust my mother in law’s judgment with respect to food.
blue says
Since you asked for a sanity check. . . yes, you need to leave this alone. Your MIL should respect the boundaries you set, but you are over-controlling your daughter’s food. It would never occur to me to ask my parents to log the food they give my kids when they watch them. I don’t think you need to change your position “officially” with your MIL, but for 2 days each week, take an out of sight, out of mind attitude. You are being so careful otherwise, I really can’t see how it will have any serious ill effects.
Erin S says
blue, do you think you would feel differently about tracking food if your child went to daycare? Just wondering!
shortperson says
they might be but i think you need to take a deep breath. unlike myself, a toddler will not get fat from eating a bagel every day. if she’s at the high end of the scale and she is not eating a crazy diet, that’s just where she belongs. if she eats a bagel she will eat less later. what will make her fat when she grows up is having a mom too focused on her weight. i highly recommend reading “how to get your kid to eat, but not too much.”
Anonymous says
“what will make her fat when she grows up is having a mom too focused on her weight.” +1000
Anon says
+20000
anon says
Why is she not allowed to eat carbs? Does the ped agree with this approach? My first impulse is you are overreacting and seem overly controlling and concerned about what she eats.
Vanessa says
Nope. Don’t stress. Kids are really good at self-regulating. If she’s hungry, she’s hungry. Height and body weight at that age are what they are. As long as she is getting a lot of active time, don’t worry about it. She will catch up and even out. Percentiles do not give a complete picture.
FWIW. My 2.5 yo is also a human garbage disposal. He is in the <5th percentile for weight….and has always been small. I think that my pediatrician doesn't believe me when I tell her how much he eats.
ChiLaw says
I agree that this is probably too much. For what it’s worth, daycare always comments on how “healthy” and “naturally” we feed our kid because she doesn’t get much processed food (except goldfish and crackers). Bagels are made of what? Flour, water, eggs, maybe milk or butter? I try to focus on giving kiddo Real Food, but a bagel would fall into that category. To be honest, I would probably aim to get her bagels from a bakery I know, or something without a ton of preservatives, but like… it’s a bagel, not a KFC DoubleDown. Also with all the growing and running and playing a kid her age is doing, she NEEDS carbs for the energy. And fats, too. Grow that little brain.
(And please don’t worry about her being fat. She’s not even two yet! Let her learn about the joy of eating well, how great good food will make her feel, how it feels better to stop when her tummy is full, how food gives you energy, how cooking is fun, how sharing is warm, and then how great your body feels when you run around and turn that food into energy — it’s so much more likely to result in her physical and mental health.)
Anglophile says
I loved your comment, “but like… it’s a bagel, not a KFC DoubleDown.” Might be my favorite food comparison ever…
anne-on says
Wait – you don’t let her eat any carbs or fats? And your pediatrician agrees with this approach? Milk (nut or cow) or other healthy fats are really important for little kids!
I’d say carbs would also be important – they’re doing a lot of running around and growing and complex carbs are important too. Does your pediatrician have a nutritionist on staff you can speak to about how to balance your desire for healthy foods without cutting out whole food groups?
Kelly C. says
Google the Ellyn Satter method for eating. This is what we use. There is one simple page on the method and another page on “forbidden foods,” it doesn’t take long to learn about the approach. For us, it took the stress out of eating. At 19 months old, she will eat what she needs. And I agree with the others that she needs to have some fats and grains and possibly dairy. Salmon is a good source for fats, and you can cook veggies in coconut oil or butter or mix the fats with the beans. Possibly you are already feeding her these things, you just didn’t specifically mention it above which is why I think some of the comments sound so concerned.
If she has always been at the top of the charts for weight, I definitely wouldn’t worry about it. Each child follows their own growth curve. I would keep my eye on things if a kid shot from the bottom to the top or vice versa, but I otherwise wouldn’t worry about where she is in the charts as long as she is following a good growth curve.
Erin S says
Yes, that was definitely my bad in making it sound like she was eating an Atkins diet! Almost everything that we cook for her is in olive oil or butter – that’s how we cook for ourselves. She basically eats what we eat. She eats proteins for sure – she has an egg every morning for breakfast (among other things), she has chicken, turkey and chicken sausages and meatballs, polish sausages, fish, now my MIL does give her veal sausage which kind of creeps me out but I guess it’s a Polish thing?, she LOVES cheese and will eat a cheese stick as a snack, etc. Oh and my mother in law also makes her sweet potato and zucchini pancakes, both of which she loves.
She used to be below 2% for weight – the doctors were never really concerned b/c she was following her own growth chart, and my husband and I are both small people so it wasn’t a complete shock. But then around 6-8 months, she slowly but surely started shooting up the charts and now she is in the 80 something % for weight but 30% for height, so it’s not entirely proportional. The ped still isn’t really worried about it, but just like when she was really small, it’s something that we’re aware of and keeping an eye on.
My mother in law also did not understand breastfeeding and always thought we were literally starving my daughter, so the relationship with control over food, my mother in law, me, my daughter, kind of goes back to when she was first born.
Kelly C. says
Well it sounds like you are in good communication with the pediatrician, which is great, but a second opinion never hurts if you are still having concerns about the weight gain. For my own opinion, if she changed at 6 months but has kept relatively steady since then, I would not worry about it–especially if you weaned or introduced solids around then, as it totally makes sense that her body could change along with the introduction of new nutrition. I know that it is absolutely your intention to make sure she is healthy, but you don’t want to inadvertently create emotional issues with eating. Kids are smart and she WILL pick up that you are stressed about this. No matter what, you need to find a way to make peace with her weight and eating (including getting a second opinion from the doctor, addressing your issues or coming to a compromise with the MIL, etc.).
Also, consider putting her on a good probiotic. The research into the microbiome is very new, but there is evidence building that our gut flora can affect overall health. So it couldn’t hurt to try one out. My daughter’s skin seems to improve when she is on a probiotic. I couldn’t begin to understand why, but there is a noticeable difference in how dry and patchy her sensitive skin is when we have gotten lax about the probiotic or have run out versus when we have been on a good daily regimen.
Mrs. Jones says
Let your kid eat some carbs! And don’t make her caregivers log every bite of food!
Anonymous says
You’re overreacting and making your kid unhealthy.
At that age she needs health carbs – sweet potatoes, whole grain breads etc and healthy fats – full fat milk, olive oil, avocado etc.
Please take your baby off this diet. If she’s eating a lot it’s because she isn’t getting enough healthy fats. There wa a recent study indicating that kids taken off whole milk at age 2 actually had a higher body mass than kids continued on whole milk. If they don’t get fat from healthy sources, it affects their sense of fullness.
Erin S says
Ladies, please read my additional comments above! My daughter absolutely eats milk, cheese, olive oil, avocados, sweet potatoes, etc.! I was clearly way too restrictive in describing what she normally eats! I meant that we don’t like giving her things like rice cereal, puffs (although puffs are her crack), candy, chocolate, mac N cheese, other “typical” kid food, pouches, etc. And there is absolutely no judgment at all for people who do give their kids those things! We try to eat as wholesome and unprocessed as possible 80% of the time. And then the other 20% we definitely indulge – for example we went out for a family dinner last night for deep dish pizza, and she chowed down! But that’s the thing – when we go out as a family or do things together on the weekends, that’s when she’s more likely to get the junk food, so I don’t want my mother in law or anyone feeding her something that I’m not aware of.
Betty says
It sounds like you are allowing carbs and fats, but trying to stay away from grains? That’s a tough diet for anyone! We have Celiac’s Disease in our family, so going grain-free is the “natural” way to go gluten-free, but it is really really tough to adhere to. And it is all the more difficult to go back and forth: have a bit of pizza and then no grains whatsoever. When you go out and your kiddo has pizza, are you doing the same and seeing the effect that it has on appetite? This is basically what I do in that I eat grains when we are out and go gluten free at home, and I can say that I eat way more when I have had yummy gluten and then try to stay away from it.
It sounds like your daughter may have jumped percentiles. The reason for reevaluating at 2, is that 2 is the age when they begin to look at BMI. My son is in the bottom 0.3% for BMI, which merited concern and testing. For a very long time, I went with “but someone has to be at the bottom!” And my husband gently pointed out that yes, someone is at the bottom, but those in the very bottom and very top may need to be evaluated to make sure there is not an underlying medical reason. I guess what I am saying is that if you are engaged in drastic measures (like no grains), and still worried, then maybe it is time to ask for medical advice.
CPA Lady says
I would suggest reading the book “Child of Mine” by Ellyn Satter. As someone who has had some disordered eating in the past, there are several things you said that raise red flags to me (I apologize if I’m jumping to conclusions based on my own experience). That book really helped me sort through my feelings about feeding my child– also a girl who eats a ton and is on the high end of the weight chart.
One of the things that Satter goes over in the book is that when you restrict your child’s food they have a tendency to overeat out of fear. A healthy child is perfectly capable of regulating how much they need to eat. She also talks through the worst case scenarios for a parent with disordered thinking– what if you do the “wrong thing” and your kid ends up fat? [I’m being vulnerably honest here. I realize this is horrible and I’m very ashamed to have had those thoughts, but I’m just putting this out there in case this helps the OP] Well, Satter’s point is that your child has an innate body type, and is going to turn out that way no matter what you do. If your child is going to be fat, would you rather have your child be happy and fat with a good relationship with you, or self loathing and fat, with a horrible relationship with the parent who restricted and withheld food from her?
When I read that, it was like a light-bulb went off in my mind. It completely changed my attitude and my deep dark secret thoughts. Now I watch my child eat everything– fruits, vegetables, meat, carbs, fat, candy, whatever, with joy. She is going to turn out how she is going to turn out. My job is to feed her and love her, not withhold things from her out of my own insecurities and fear.
I apologize if I’m completely off base here. It just hit kind of close to home.
NewMomAnon says
Hugs. It hit close to home for me too, for lots of the same reasons you voiced. Thanks.
Erin S says
Please don’t apologize at all! I really appreciate your thoughts. One of my other friends also recommended Ellyn Satter to me when I told her about my little situation this morning. I have not read anything by her, but I looked at a short article about her and liked most of the things that she says.
Erin S says
Also thank you everyone for your comments! I think it boils down to me actually not being happy with certain things about my mother in law more so than the stupid bagel. The price to pay for free childcare, I guess.
AwayEmily says
Erin S – Just wanted to say that you responded to all these comments so gracefully, non-defensively, and with an open mind. It’s really nice to see constructive conversation on the internet for once.
Still deciding on a name says
My son sounds just like your daughter. I realize that some of my concerns about his weight are valid and some are bc I’m afraid of him being fat bc of a family history of weight issues. We try to maintain balance without going to an extreme and now that he is almost 20 months, he is starting to slim out (still a high % for his age, but he isn’t as pudgy) and I’m realizing that it is all going to work itself out! Having a chubby 2 year old is different than a chubby 8 year old. I’m realizing we have a few years before we need to be worried about weight
pumping stress says
Over the last several weeks I’ve bumped up the size of bottles my baby (4.5 months) is taking at home. My mom, who watches him 3.5 days a week, said it seemed like he needed more, and the ped office okayed me bumping up .25 oz at a time. But now he’s drinking 5.75-6 oz three times a day, which is like insane, and I can usually only pump around 15 oz. I’m trying to add in a pumping session at night and pumping four times a day at work, which is also insane, and for the last few weeks I feel like all I’m doing is thinking about milk or pumping milk or worrying about milk. I feel like he really doesn’t need to eat that much during the day, because when I get home he only wants to nurse for comfort and barely eats anything then or right before bed. And around the same time, he now wakes up more at night, wanting to nurse every 2.5-3 hours. I can’t tell if that’s just sleep regression or something to do with gorging on food during the day. I called the ped and they said to “feed on demand” and give him oatmeal if he needs it, but I feel like when I nurse on demand on the weekends he is totally fine, it’s only during the week when he needs more. I’m afraid if I make smaller bottles my mom will be all, “you’re starving him!” I have a call into an IBCLC and I’m hoping that helps.
Everywhere I read online it says 1 to 1.5 oz per hour you’re away and he’s blowing that out of the water…one day my mom texted me he needed more milk and he had gone through almost 18 oz in 6 hours! I know supplementing with formula isn’t the end of the world, but I would like to not do it. But if it makes me stop thinking about milk every waking moment and half of my sleeping moments it would probably be worth it.
Ugh. Sometimes I feel like I’m doing everything wrong.
Sarabeth says
I think it’s extremely unlikely that baby actually needs to be eating that much during the day, but he’s used to it now, so changing it up might take some work. I’d go back down to smaller bottles, and I’d make sure that your mom is not using feeding as the only soothing strategy. Is she doing paced feeding? If not, it’s pretty easy to think that a baby wants/needs more milk that he actually does.
Honestly, the fact that it’s your mom is the hard part here. You should just be able to tell her that she needs to figure out how to soothe him with a more reasonably quantity of milk…but my parents have watched my kids, so I get that it’s harder to tell her that than it would be if it were a nanny or babysitter that wasn’t also a family member.
The overnight stuff sounds like just typical sleep regression stuff – my baby did the exact same thing at the same age. But it’s even more reason to believe that he doesn’t need that much milk during the day.
anon says
Your mom is probably used to formula feeding, and from what I understand, formula IS fed in larger quantities as baby gets older. Breast milk doesn’t necessarily need to be. We never went above 4 oz bottles of breast milk. What kind of nipple are you using? Maybe try slower flow? I think Kellymom has some good info about educating care providers about how to bottle feed breast-fed babies.
Perhaps some reverse psychology would work for your mom, like, I know you can soothe baby without needing to feed him mom since you are so good with him, so let’s see if we can encourage him to nurse more at night – I really miss that time with him (no need to mention you are getting enough of this quality time between 1 and 5 a.m.)
The night time stuff sounds like classic 4 month sleep regression – give it a couple weeks before you change anything. Hang in there momma!
H says
We also never went above 4 oz of bm and the daycare always asked for more. Um, sorry, but I don’t have it. My LC said it is fine. He might not even be hungry, just wants the comfort of being held.
Anon in NYC says
Just as a counterpoint, at around 5 months, my daughter drank 3 6-oz bottles at daycare over a roughly 9 hour period and also nursed morning and night. I had an oversupply for months, so I wasn’t that stressed about it, but we specifically bumped up her bottle size (from 4-5 oz) to extend the time between bottles. I’m not saying that 6 oz bottles is right for your kiddo, but my daughter did fine with them. Her growth has always been extremely consistent too.
Sounds like the night stuff is the 4 month sleep regression, though!
Mrs. Jones says
By all means, supplement with formula if you need to. There is NO shame in that. Baby is always better off with a happier mom.
Lyssa says
Absolutely. Honestly, you will feel so much better once you give yourself permission to do that.
ChiLaw says
I swear “feeling like you’re doing everything wrong” should be listed as a side effect of lactating.
Have you talked to an LC to get a professional read on this issue?
mascot says
Feeling like you are doing everything wrong is a side effect of parenting. The hormones just amplify it a bit.
Anonymous says
I strongly suspect that your mom is overfeeding baby. My babies (twins) were combo fed and never had a larger than 4 oz bottle in one setting until they were over a year. Switch to 4 oz bottles and have your mom top up the bottle with another 2 oz if baby fusses after finishing the first bottles. Have her call you before giving baby any more than a 2 oz top up after a feed. Top up by 2 oz at a time and wait for baby to show hunger signs in between.
Kellymom[dot]com has a good article on how BF babies need to be fed via bottles.
Overfeeding is one of the reasons that bottle feeding has a higher association with obesity. It doesn’t allow baby to control intake in the same way.
Anonymous says
http://kellymom.com/bf/pumpingmoms/feeding-tools/bottle-feeding/
lucy stone says
Our daughter was eating close to 4 oz when she left the NICU at 2 weeks old. All babies are different. Every lactation consultant we met with said I was overfeeding her, and her pediatrician told them all to shove it and said she’d let me know if the bottles were too much. Our daughter is perfectly on pace with her grwoth chart.
pumping stress says
Thanks so much, everyone. This was really helpful. I just had a phone consult with an LC and it made me feel way better. Seems like my drop in supply is related to him eating more during the day because he’s basically taking less from me, making a downward spiral. I feel like I have some tools to keep trying now and at least make it to the holidays when I’ll be off work for a bit and can do some full time nursing again. Paranoia = parenting for me, that’s for sure.
lucy stone says
There is a great group called Exclusively Pumping Mamas on Facebook with wonderful tips on how to boost supply.
ChiLaw says
Two thoughts:
— sometimes I used “keeping up my supply” as an excuse to spend most of the weekend cuddling my baby — no chores, no guests, just me and baby in the bed. it actually IS good for your supply, but it feels nice too.
— it can be helpful to explain to your MIL that this isn’t just your wacky idea about how much baby should eat, but that it’s coming from an expert. “the LC says you should watch the paced feeding video,” “the LC says she should take this much in each bottle.”
JP says
If you knew you were going to have your first baby on Monday (planned c-section, unless I go into labor early–I’m 39 weeks), and you and your husband had both taken off Friday to spend it together, what would you do with the day besides sleep in, go to a movie, and go out to a restaurant? Is there anything you didn’t realize that you couldn’t do with a baby that you now miss? All suggestions welcome–thanks!
Pigpen's Mama says
Pedicure (if that’s your jam)! Either with or without husband…
Everything else sounds absolutely lovely.
anne-on says
Pedicure (no manicure pre-surgery), wax (if you’re comfortable with it – I knew there was a good chance I was going to have a c-section and preferred not to be shaved), read a book, and gab to a girlfriend or your mom on the phone without interruption.
Can you also do a fancy brunch? You’re far enough along that I’d totally get a mimosa to celebrate if you’re comfortable with that. Man I miss adult brunches.
Can you have the house cleaned and make sure your laundry is taken care of?
JP says
House is being cleaned as we speak!
mascot says
Errands that require multiple stops or long waits are a huge hassle with kids. Does anything need to be returned to a store, is your car emissions up to date, are you set with paper goods and non-perishable supplies, do you need a haircut, etc?
Also, make that dinner for a fancy place that takes forever.
Kelly C. says
Calendar your next date. A brunch or breakfast when your child is about 3 months old. Line up family or whoever to watch your baby for an hour or two.
Anononymous says
I went into labor a week early and missed a scheduled facial and pedicure. My kiddo is 13 months and I STILL haven’t had a pedicure! Also, go see a movie. Or two.
Lyssa says
We did that exact thing (planned C on a Monday) twice, and pretty much just took things easy. Slept in, relaxed, got our heads on straight about things, tried to get the house a little in order. The only thing that we did was go out to eat (at a casual place). I’m not sure that sitting in a movie theater for 2 hours would have appealed to me that much. Definitely just do what most appeals to you.
Good luck!! FWIW, I found the planned C much less difficult than it seemed like I was led to expect. Enjoy yourself and your baby!
TK says
Make a video for baby to watch at a future date. We did one – the last day before everything changed. We both cried a little when we were making it (and DEFINATELY cry now when we watch it.)
Kelly C. says
Oooh, this is such a good idea.
JP says
I love this idea!
shortperson says
i’ve been assigned to plan the “activities” for a baby shower for my friend’s third child. any ideas? personally i did not want any “activities” at the shower for my firstborn, i have no idea what to do at a third shower.
anon says
My first thought is napping – what mother of 3 doesn’t need a nap, right?
shortperson says
yeah me too. or skip the shower for a massage. my suggestion was to do a sip n see or a brunch at the botanical gardens. not only was that vetoed by friend’s mom but i was assigned to plan activities. ugh ugh ugh
Cindy says
“Make a baby” game- put random clumps of colored play dough in cupcake liners, put out some toothpicks and everyone sculpts a baby and mom to be picks a winner. Some of my friends made baby animals/random creatures. The elementary school teacher of the group was able to take and re-use the play-doh. I have also played a match the celebrity to baby name game that is decently fun and a “complete the nursery rhyme” e.g. ” Monday’s child is full of blank”.
Anon says
I am not a fan of the typical baby shower activities (melted candy bars in a diaper? Really?). For those I planned, here were some of the activities that went over well:
– plain prewashed white onesies in a variety of sizes plus fabric markers (just make sure to have cardboard so they don’t bleed thru to the other side); everyone needs onesies even if it’s not a first kid
– predict what baby will look like; print copies of photos of each parent and cut out facial features to mix and match and paste on a simple cutout baby face
– advice/wish cards
Anon says
+1 to the onesie thing. Buy them in a variety of sizes up to 12-18 months, and let people go crazy with fabric markers. Works for either gender (of baby and of guest) and takes little to no prep, little to no skill, and little to no awkwardness, and fills as much time as you want it to. Plus it’s useful – I ended up with about 25 onesies in several sizes that were fun but I didn’t feel horrible throwing out if they got ruined from some kind of body fluid.
I then did it for a friend’s shower and she used it as a reminder to text attendees a pic of the kid wearing “their” onesie the first time Kid wore it. The guests LOVED getting random pics of the baby in their creation.
Mrs. Jones says
Sorry, no ideas, just commiseration. Who has a shower for a third baby? And why do people want activities at a shower? Just eat and open gifts. That’s it.
shortperson says
i was happy to help plan because as a fourth child i think every baby should be celebrated. and i missed the boat on planning her first two showers and she went all out for mine. but this is not what i envisioned. nor do i think it’s what she wants but it’s what her mom wants. ok i think i will order a bunch of onesies and call it a day, good ideas. thanks.
lucy stone says
I always like onesie making and love playing purse bingo because my purse is full of crap.
Anon in NYC says
My friend had a game that I thought was really cute (and I was terrible at it). It was basically a children’s book quiz. Generally neutral, people of all ages can participate, doesn’t require people to be crafty, etc. I’m sure you can find some samples online.
shortperson says
thanks, she loves books. and with two kids already she will probably win.
Anonymous says
The price is right game for baby items.
Paging AnonMN says
Hi — I was just curious how your meeting with daycare went yesterday. The camel in time out really made me upset for you & the situation. I hope you have a good plan now!
Anonymous says
My sister-in-law and I gave birth near the end of January on the same day. I had a boy and she had twin boys. Our sons are almost 11 months old. I’m dreading seeing her over the Christmas holidays and I feel so guilty about it. The reason being that she lost all the weight and I am overweight and haven’t even come close.
So wore a corset right after the birth at all times except showering and she went on a diet. She hit the gym as soon as her sons were 8 weeks old, she had a tummy tuck and breast lift when they were 6 months and after the surgery she had laser scar removal for the surgery scars and stretch marks. I’ve seen pictures on Facebook and she looks great.
We both work similar jobs in the same industry (finance). I haven’t lost any baby weight and have put on more since the birth. I hate feeling this way. My sister-in-law is a lovely person and I know looks aren’t everything and I have lots of good qualities but I keep imagining people silently comparing us when I see both of us. I only get these feelings when I think of her. The rest of the time I feel fine. And no matter what I do love my son and being a mom.
I’m not sure what I am looking for, advice, commiseration or just venting, but I appreciate anyone who reads this. Thank you.
anon says
FWIW, I’m silently judging her for caring so much about how she looks that she spent all that time and money on a tummy tuck, breast lift, and scar removal within the first year of their life. Seriously, it sounds like she must feel a lot of pressure to look perfect. That said, I too wish I had lost the baby weight and more I gained after (my son is 4.5), so I empathize, but think about whether this will matter in 10 years – you can choose to enjoy this time whatever your size. Is your body preventing you from doing things you want to do? Were you happier 10 pounds ago, or were you still dissatisfied with your body? Maybe it is good enough the way it is.
Anonymous says
You sound like a peach. Comments like yours do nothing but perpetuate the ‘mommy wars’ and competition between women. Why would you judge her SIL? Who cares if she wanted to go to the gym or have cosmetic surgery? OP didn’t mention anything about her SIL not properly taking care of her kids. Maybe she wanted to feel good or have her old baby back. Women are d*mned if they do and d*mned if they don’t.
Anonymous says
+1
anon says
Sorry, I didn’t mean to perpetuate the mommy wars or imply that her SIL wasn’t taking good care of her baby–really!–but rather to reframe what I read as the OP’s reading of her SIL as someone to envy. I was trying to point out that her SIL might also feel inadequate, like the OP does, and therefore be somewhat less intimidating. To be honest, I am frankly jealous that SIL has the resources to do all that and feels okay with using them on herself. I am someone who doesn’t feel like I can spend money on a manicure – it’s too much of a luxury/”waste” (I don’t work in finance and don’t have that kind of money). Anyway, I sincerely apologize if what I said was not helpful.
ChiLaw says
Would it help you to think about it this way? It’s actually kind of mean of you to project those thoughts into your friends and relatives’ heads. Has Uncle Jake given you any reason to think he’s the kind of person who would compare your body to your SIL’s? Does Grandma really judge you for the shape of your body?* Etc. etc. When I realize that my fear of people judging me is actually me casting an (unsupported!) judgment on THEM, it sometimes helps me get my fears in check.
*Of course, if they ARE this kind of person, I say eff ’em, you don’t need to care about their opinions.
SC says
I can commiserate. I won’t give you the details, but I’ve been in and am still in a similar position. The best you can do is focus on what your body has accomplished and what you have accomplished since having him. This may not be any better, but in my experience people are much more likely to focus on comparing the kids than the moms, so use the kids to keep the focus off you as much as you’d like. Also, she went to some pretty extreme measures, so it may help to keep in mind that, no matter how you think she looks, she may not feel all that secure about her body either. (Obviously, she might, but she might also be having just as hard a time with her body image as you are.)
Anon says
Also work full time in Finance. Also haven’t lost the baby weight in 18+ months. Also feel inadequate next to twinmomrelativewhohadsurgery.
I’m feeling really frustrated with the way I look, and I have zero time to work out (I could theoretically do a video at night after the kids are in bed, but I work all day and then do the dinner/bath/bedtime routine and I’m just EXHAUSTED by the time 9pm rolls around. I’m lucky to get a load of laundry in, let alone do Zumba.) so I know it’s not changing any time soon. I’m trying really hard to model good body image for my daughter, but it’s so very very hard.
I have no advice, but you’re not alone.
NewMomAnon says
I don’t think you can compare your body to someone who has had surgery to alter their appearances. Like, this isn’t a failure of effort on your part – it’s a conscious decision she made to take some (pretty extreme) measures.
Anonymous says
+1 to this!
Still, this is hard. It may be helpful to try to remind yourself that (if your family is like mine) nobody gives a darn about what any of the grown-ups look like and spend all their time canoodling with the kids.
Another perspective I hope is helpful: I have one friend I was always jealous of for how quickly she lost all the weight from her first baby and went back to being super skinny. With the second, she had a C-section and has had a bit of a pooch sense, and I honestly respect and admire her more than before (and think she projects more strength and beauty than before even) by the sense I get that she just doesn’t give a d**n and is not interested in trying to look like a model who never birthed kids! I try to think about her when I have similar feelings to you. Maybe your SIL feels the same way about you!
Anonymous says
*since, not sense!