CorporetteMoms

Updated: Nov 1, 2018 147 Comments · by

Festive Tuesday: Classic Stocking Holder

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Classic Stocking HolderIf you’re on the hunt for a good stocking holder this year, check out these pewter ones from Lands’ End — they’re what we’ve been buying for years. My husband and I bought them for ourselves years ago when Lands’ End had a separate discount section, and we paid next to nothing for the two of of ours. More recently we paid almost full price for the boys’ two stocking holders. They’re really cute little designs, and the pewter is a nice heavy weight so that you can put these on a bookshelf or a mantel without worrying they’re going to fall off. They’re highly rated, and you can even get them engraved to make them more personal. They’re $39.50 each, full price, but with Lands’ End current sale, you can get them for just $23.70. Classic Stocking Holder (L-all)

Sales of note for 9.10.24

(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)

Kid/Family Sales

  • Carter’s – Birthday sale, 40-50% off & extra 20% off select styles
  • Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off all baby; up to 40% off all Halloween
  • J.Crew Crewcuts – Extra 30% off sale styles
  • Old Navy – 40% off everything
  • Target – BOGO 25% off select haircare, up to 25% off floor care items; up to 30% off indoor furniture up to 20% off TVs

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Comments

  1. Anon for this says

    Ugh. I just need to vent. Last night I got into the stupidest argument with my husband. Daycare is having a thing today where parents (let’s be real. mothers.) bake cookies for the teachers. So yesterday I found a recipe, went to the grocery store on the way home from work, picked up the kid, made dinner, and had it waiting on the table when my husband got home. After dinner I baked 3 dozen cookies. I asked my husband if he wanted to try one. He said he didn’t feel well and no he didn’t want a cookie. I flew off the handle. I go to all this stupid extra effort and he doesn’t say thank you and doesn’t even want to try a cookie. Doesn’t say anything nice. This is part of a big overall pattern of him never saying anything nice to me. Or being thankful in any way for all the extra bullshit I do all the time. Things that are not expected of him because he’s a man but reflect poorly on me if I don’t do them, because I’m a woman. There was still no reason for me to fly off the handle at him. This has been happening a lot lately. We’re at a bad place in our marriage. Its funny how it crept up on me. I always heard that having a small child was hard on a marriage but I had no idea that this was what that meant. That I’d be sobbing in rage because my husband didn’t want to try a cookie. Of course, it’s not really about the cookie. I also think my birth control is making me insane. I have been such a rage monster since I started the depo shot. Sigh. It’s going to get better, right? Things are going to be okay?

    Then, to top everything off, I got to daycare and the cookie swap is next week. This is not entirely my fault, since one of the emails they sent out had the wrong date on it, so I was not the only person bringing in cookies today. At least I could laugh about that.

    • Anon for this says

      ^ this was in moderation for hours. See shortened re-posted version at the bottom of the thread.

    • Jax says

      I’m looking at this from the teachers’ POV and wondering if they actually want dozens and dozens of cookies? How many teachers are groaning at the idea of being gifted thousands of calories of sugary junk that they need to eat or feed to their families? How many would have loved a catered lunch instead, and then all of you moms could have donated $10 and the whole thing could have been easier?

      Also, why is this swap scheduled for a Tuesday??? So many WTF questions for whatever mom came up with this daycare cookie swap. Bravo to you for pulling it off! I would have tossed some Soft Batch cookies on a plate and pretended I made them.

  2. 34 Weeks says

    Tips for preparing for maternity leave? FWIW, I’m of counsel with a transactional/estate practice in midlaw firm. Most of my clients/matters are my own, and my assistant serves too many attorneys so she isn’t very involved with my matters. I’m leaning toward creating a master list in a word document and trying to update it, but it seems so daunting to create and update for the next month (not to mention that it’s time I can’t really bill for). Is there a better way?

    • Anon in NYC says

      When I was leaving my firm I prepared a document that listed a brief summary of the case, key documents (and document ID numbers, assuming you use some sort of document management system), upcoming deadlines, and work that needed to be completed in the near-term horizon. Each matter was maybe 1/2 a page in a word document. It does take a few hours, but it was doable. Updating it was often simply a matter of adding an extra bullet to a summary (i.e., adding an additional key document, or a new deadline or project).

    • Kelly C. says

      I’d suggest a chart if you are up for it. Any upcoming deadlines should be called out prominently (possibly on a separate list, or highlighted in yellow, or something like that). The chart should have client name, client number, brief description of each matter, specific person that should cover that matter while you are out (if applicable), and notes for anything that you want to add about that matter (such as whether client has been informed of your leave or whatever else you want to mention). The chart should open with a brief description of when you plan to return and other important info about your leave.

      It sounds daunting, but do it in small chunks and then update once a week. It isn’t as bad you might think.

    • Another BigLaw Parent says

      This is the time to start bringing in others to take over the matters. I made the lists others described above, selected people to do that work while I was out, and then transitioned it to them two weeks before my leave. So they had 1 week where they “shadowed” me (e.g., by being copied on all the emails), and 1 week where they were technically on their own, but I was still around for questions that arose, and then I went out on leave.

  3. CPA Lady says

    My kid tried to pull one of those stocking holder things down on her head a couple days ago. It’s very heavy, and just a little tug on the stocking brought the whole thing down. Thankfully it didn’t hit her. Just a reminder to keep them out of reach. Great on a tall fireplace mantle where the kid cant even reach the stocking, not so great on a kitchen counter.

    • EP-er says

      I know — We ditched the ones that just rest on the mantle as a safety issue when my oldest started walking & grabbing. We have little finishing nails and hang the stockings by ribbons on the nails — much more secure!

    • Pogo says

      Yep, my husband just put little hooks (so small you cant see them) under the mantle, where we hang them decoratively while empty.

      Christmas Eve once they’re full they go on the floor for safety.

    • Anon says

      Command hooks from 3M work really well too. Just put them on the flat top of the mantle parallel to the floor. They come off cleanly at the end of the season.

    • avocado says

      We put the stocking holders out of reach on the mantelpiece and don’t hang the stockings on them until bedtime on Christmas Eve. After Santa fills the stockings, he takes them down and leaves them on the hearth because they are so heavy.

  4. EP-er says

    Kid music that doesn’t sound like kid music recs? There was a thread here last week about music for kids. We LOVE They Might Be Giants (Here Come the ABCs/123s/Science, No!, Why?) The Bare Naked Ladies (Snacktime) Imagination Movers (all) and Jack Johnson. I hadn’t heard of Casper Babypants before, but I am going to try them next. Are there are others out there? We do listen to some regular TMBG (Your Racist Friend was a fun discussion starter!) and Jonathon Coulton with the kids. I’m not really a fan of the over-produced pop music… who are your favorites?

    • Anon in NYC says

      I like Lucky Diaz and the Family Jam Band (Spanish language). It definitely sounds more like kid music than some of the ones you listed, but is fun and peppy.

      • Closet Redux says

        I love this rec! We listen to a lot of Jose Luis Orozco, who is wonderful. This sounds like a poppy update.

      • Work travel? says

        Thanks for this rec, I just added a bunch of their songs to my AMZ prime. Mixed Mexican-American family here and we are always looking for Spanish and Spanglish for the kiddos.

    • CHJ says

      I really like Charlie Hope. She sings kid songs (Little Green Frogs, etc.) but her voice is beautiful and the compositions are pleasant and soothing. We listen to her albums in the car all the time.

    • avocado says

      Elizabeth Mitchell–her best album is You Are My Little Bird. Dan Zanes and Friends sounds more kid-ish, but our whole family enjoyed it.

      We listened to a lot of non-kid music too–Bob Dylan, Johnny Cash, and reggae were some of her favorites.

      • jlg says

        i also love the album she did with lisa loeb — Catch the Moon. my 4 year old still loves this, and its good for winding down. mix of traditional songs and originals. lovely guitar.

      • PhilanthropyGirl says

        +1 million to Elizabeth Mitchell. Her Little Bird album is on constant play in my van. Sometimes even when the kidlet isn’t there.

        But for all things holy run away from Caspar Babypants. The “Run Baby Run” pops up on my Pandora feed and it makes me feel like an insane person. That song alone made me swear off Caspar Babypants for all eternity.

    • Mrs. Jones says

      We just listen to whatever music we like. There’s no need to listen to kid music for its own sake. Our son really likes the Beatles and Neil Young.

      • Walnut says

        My kiddo goes crazy for Coldplay and Dave Matthews Band. Also (humorously) he’s a huge fan of 50’s country with all the twang.

      • ChiLaw says

        My girl goes nuts for Stevie Wonder. It’s so sweet to hear her earnestly singing along in the back seat. She’s also a big fan of The Who Sell Out.

        • jlg says

          this also — little dude knows every word to tangled up in blue (including those we sing differently b/c they weren’t kid-appropriate, some of which are pretty amusing, like a tapas bar instead of a topless bar).

        • ChiLaw says

          oh my gosh, my girl is way too into john denver. sometimes my husband teases her, “if you don’t stop crying, no john denver” because she’s obsessed with “country roads” as her lullaby. she likes any song that has crying in it, so she loves to sing “teardrop in my eye.”

    • lsw says

      I grew up listening to Tom Chapin and recently picked up the albums we listened to most. They are definitely kids songs but they are folks songs, lullabies, and silly songs that don’t drive me insane.

      • Jdubs says

        +1 to Tom Chapin! I remember listening to him growing up and recently discovered that lot of stuff can be played free through Amazon music!

    • Meg Murry says

      I can’t think of the specifics right now, but I know we got some of our kid music recs off Pandora – perhaps if you make a list using the album’s you’ve listed as starting points they’ll give you more? Or Spotify, Amazon Music, whatever other streaming service that makes automatic or pre-made playlists?

      Also look for artists that have performed on Sesame Street or the Muppets – my kids love REM’s “Furry Happy Monsters” so then I was able to introduce them to “Shiny Happy People”, etc.

      • Katala says

        +1 to intros through Sesame Street. Kiddo really liked the primary colors song by OK Go, which led us to their awesome music videos.

        H is kind of a scrooge, but trying to get into the holiday spirit for kiddo’s sake. Caspar Babypants’ holiday music was playing all weekend and it’s so great. I get irritated by holiday music quickly but not his. He’s the singer from POT-USA so there’s some high school nostalgia happening that we enjoy – definitely check out his stuff.

    • EP-er says

      Thanks for all the recs! I feel like I have reached the age the age where I am in a music bubble and all the cool music stopped in 1992. Pandora helps some, but I usually don’t remember to write down the cool new songs I hear. I love having a list to reference.

      • NewMomAnon says

        Caveat that I’ve not used Pandora for a few years, but when I did use it, I could “thumbs up” a song and then navigate to a list of all the songs I’d liked for any given station. Might be easier than writing down the ones you like in a separate list.

    • AIMS says

      Someone gave me a book of children’s poems that came with a CD of all the poems sung by Natalie Merchant. It’s fantastic! Especially so if you came of age in the early 90s. Highly recommend. http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/leave-your-sleep-natalie-merchant/1108180508#productInfoTabs

      Otherwise, I’ll say my parents always listened to the Beatles when I was growing up and I loved it then and love them now. I don’t think you need actual kid music. My kid gets her biggest musical thrills right now from Willie Nelson.

    • Edna Mazur says

      Not a kids music per se, but my almost three year old has been obsessed with Mumford and sons for over a year. Some songs have language you might want to avoid but we love it (and it is super cute when he sings and dances along).

    • PhilanthropyGirl says

      Raffi – his most popular stuff sounds like “kid music” – but his less known stuff (at least for this 80s kid) has a pretty grownup folk sound to it.

  5. AnonMN says

    Big daycare meeting today to discuss my kid being separated from the group too often (think excessive “time-out”) and the amount of sitting they do during the day (1-1.5 hours at a time and then for every transition, which the owner has assured me is only supposed to be two 20 minute blocks). Last night my 3 year old was playing with his animals and put the camel in time-out by yelling “sit against the wall” and it broke my heart that this is a message he is probably receiving daily. We love this center for my infant, and the director and owner (not a chain, so she has a lot invested) seem open to constructive critisism, and the 3 year old’s teachers are new to this age group and younger, so I’m trying to give them time to learn before switching him. But, ugh.

    Spent all of last night mulling quiting my job and becoming a stay at home mom because I just don’t want to deal with this crap anymore. This after I had finally come to a place of “peace” with the fact that I enjoy working and never actually want to become a stay at home parent.

    Parenting is such a trip. Mostly just looking for words of encouragement today.

    • anne-on says

      Uuugggh. Hugs. I know it may not be feasible – but the advice I got on this board when my son was teeny, was if you are spending excessive time at work worrying about your childcare situation, it might be time to change it. We swapped my son’s daycare centers twice, and each time it was a hassle, but ultimately the right decision. If nothing else, touring other centers with openings made me feel like I did have options and wasn’t stuck with one place.
      If you have the room – I also really like the flexibility our au pair gives us – especially with an older child.

      • AnonMN says

        This is such good advice. I feel terrible because we have moved him twice in the past year (new sibling, tried nanny + preschool which didn’t work for our living/working situation, then to new center that had an opening for both), so I am super hesitent to move him again. But our old center that he loved and thrived at (I wasn’t excited about their infant teachers for my youngest and having two here really stretches our budget) has a spot for him, so my husband and I ran the numbers this weekend and we would be fine sending him back while keeping our youngest where he is. It would just be really weird pulling one of them, right??

        Our living situation is too small for an au pair unfortunately (and I am a super introvert who works from home, so even having a nanny was hard for me).

        • avocado says

          Don’t worry if it feels weird to pull one of them, just do what’s best for your children. Kids are different, and the best place for one might not be the best for the other.

          Do consider the logistics of two drop-offs and two pick-ups, though.

        • Anon says

          No! You do what’s best for the kids. I pulled my older son from a very prestigious school (it started at 2 yrs and went all the way through high school, so I guess the prestige was more attached to the older years, but a well known name nonetheless) to put him in a very informal, very play based preschool. I lost a lot of sleep (and spilled a lot of “ink” here) worrying about whether I was making the right choice pulling him out of such a well regarded program to put him in a low key program. The teachers at the first school gave me a really hard time when we moved him, telling me it was a rash decision and that I would regret not educating him using the philosophy at the first school.

          And, it’s been the best childcare decision we’ve made. His confidence in social situations is through the roof. At pick up, he’s excited to tell me about what he did that day. I don’t have a teacher telling me at pick-up that maybe he’ll “do a little better tomorrow” regarding his behavior in the classroom. He doesn’t constantly ask me if he’s “doing the right thing” anymore. He is actually excited to go to school on Monday mornings, not crying and dragging his heels making up excuses to not go to school.

          My view on childcare at this age is that my kids have to be in daycare right now b/c my husband and I work. This isn’t high school, where the goal is to receive a great education and I go to jail if I just decide not to send him. So my goal in his care right now is that he’s HAPPY. If the current set-up isn’t working, you have ability to change it to what works for everyone. My own experience was that change was really hard, but the end result is so worth it.

      • CHJ says

        +1. The part about putting his camel in time out breaks my heart. We had a situation about six months ago where my toddler son suddenly started saying that he was a “bad boy” out of nowhere and we figured out that one of his teachers was yelling at him. It was awful. But we moved him to a different daycare and he has been happy and thriving there ever since. Personally, I think moving them a few times in short succession is better than leaving them somewhere that you don’t trust.

        • AnonMN says

          Did you give the daycare time to correct? Or just move him? I thought about having a deadline for moving him as that would make me feel better.

          We do have camera access to the daycare, so I can see if they are making changes and improving. I really do trust the director and owner to take action and take my request seriously, I’m just not sure how long to give them.

          • CHJ says

            We had two meetings with the director that went ok, not great, so I started looking around for other daycares at that point. But then one afternoon I went in to pick him up and I saw one of the teachers yank him by the arm and yell at him (she didn’t see me come in). I pulled him out of the center that day and enrolled him in one of the other preschools immediately. Our experience was definitely extreme, but the impression it left for me was that the director can only do so much to change what is happening in the classrooms.

          • Anon says

            I posted above, and we met with the teachers several times at the original school before we moved my son. Ultimately, I found that while they were willing to listen to my concerns, some of the issues I wanted addressed ran up against the philosophy of the school, and they weren’t going to budge on how the classroom ran. Once I realized that, I felt like I was fighting a losing battle, and I was also putting a wedge between me and the teachers, I knew it was time to move him out. It was a good school, but not a great fit for my son.

            You may have better luck b/c the teachers are receptive — you can show them some of the literature out there about why time outs are not a very effective punishment and can be harmful to kids, and provide some info on re-direction and other methods that work in a classroom. But, ultimately, you have to decide whether you want your kid to be the test case of a teacher learning a totally new theory. Also, if your son is already feeling isolated in the classroom and the teacher already seems to be singling him out for punishment, you may just have better luck going back to a place where he is comfortable and happy.

          • Anon in NYC says

            Personally, I would expect immediate improvement in the isolation part. I don’t think that’s irrational. Your kiddo’s teachers should no longer be separating him from the group for extended periods of time. That doesn’t mean that he will never be separated, or that it won’t happen more frequently for shorter periods of time. But he shouldn’t be spending large swaths of the day on his own. (Does your former daycare separate kids for “bad” or disruptive behavior at this age?)

            In terms of the long periods of sitting, I think you need to go with your gut. Have the meeting with the director and see how you feel. Watch the cameras.

            But at the end of the day, I think you need to feel confident in the care that your kiddo is receiving. Even if your kiddo is no longer being separated from the group, will you always feel uneasy? If they stop separating him but continue to spend long periods of time sitting, are you okay with that?

            Hugs.

    • EB0220 says

      A few thoughts: I really think it’s best to find a situation everyone is comfortable with. My 2 kids are at different centers, and it works fine for us logistically. My older daughter has been to 5 different daycares (she’s 4) due to moves and other issues, and she has done just fine. If you think they are yelling at him to “sit against the wall” – that is just not OK. You will never be able to concentrate at work if you don’t trust your childcare situation. So on balance, I would move him I think. (FWIW – I don’t want to add more stress to you – but this situation would also make me worried about the infant room. If a childcare center can condone such a philosophy with older kiddos…I would wonder what was happening in the infant room, where the kids can’t communicate.)

    • Sarabeth says

      Oh, man. That’s heartbreaking. Hugs to your little boy. If you do want to give them a bit of time to correct things, know that having a concerned and engaged parent will do a lot to buffer any negative messages he’s getting from daycare.

    • Anonymous says

      Trust your gut. And find another daycare/care arrangement before you quit your job.

      At home we use one minute time out per year of age. So max for a three year old would be three minutes.

      Just spent a couple weeks adjusting toddler to new daycare. I know intellectually that being a SAHM isn’t for me but I’ve never wanted to be in two places at the same time this much in my whole life.(home with LO and in my office)

      • Beth says

        Trust your gut. I’ve had my 3 y/o in 2 different centers and a preschool (I moved to PT when we had #2). Center 2 gave me a (gentle, professional) hard time about moving ODD to a preschool and wanted constructive criticism. I gave her the main reasons we were leaving, which happen to be the reasons more than 50% of the older toddler class left before the preschool transition…

        Kid is THRIVING in the new school. She’s not even 3.5 and “reading”- she sounds out all the letters and is right more times than not. She’s writing her name and knows sight words (!!!). We are shocked, as we are so NOT the parents that want our kids reading by kindy- she’s in a play based program and we certainly don’t coach on anything. Neither we nor the preschool taught anything, she’s just become infatuated with letters and reading and her little kind just….took off. She has all kinds of other developmental stuff to work on, like her social skills and emotional maturity, so that’s what preschool is focusing on with her.

        She never ever would have made this kind of progress at her old daycare/preschool.

  6. Pogo says

    I think I was too cocky assuming I’d dodged first tri nausea and exhaustion… The last three days my stomach has been ‘off’ and last night I broke down crying at 10pm while we were trying to tidy up the house for the cleaners (I know, first world problem).

    Poor Mr Pogo looked terrified. I tried to explain hormones + exhaustion this morning when I was a little more coherent. I think he thought something was seriously wrong with me, lol.

    But as I’m not puking into my trash can or sleeping on the floor of my office I’m still counting myself lucky!

    • Cb says

      Oh my goodness, Pogo, I’m sorry. I haven’t thrown up yet but I’ve come close and morning sickness is a dirty lie, I’m sick feeling at least 75% of the time. I sat at my desk sobbing yesterday (luckily was working from home) because I have so much work to do and feel so, so rubbish. I think it would be easier if I had a “normal” job where I had to pull it together or had tasks that didn’t require so much brain power but between now and the end of January, it’s just me and my dissertation.

      And I found out today that we should have registered for nursery before we started trying so that didn’t help the nausea.

      • Walnut says

        I’m on day three of puking up my morning coffee. Here’s the real question – does the caffeine count if you puke it up? I caffeine count like it’s weight watchers.

        • Spirograph says

          hahaha depends on how quickly you puke it up?

          Side note: Do you feel sick at any other time of day? I had “morning sickness” with my 3rd pregnancy and not with either of the previous ones, so I set out looking for the cause. I cut out coffee since that was temporally related, but it didn’t help. Turns out my prenatal (with DHA. I think it was the fish oil that did it) was the culprit. I switched to taking it at night and puked no more! And kept my caffeine in my stomach where it belonged.

          • Walnut says

            I’m suspecting it’s the coffee that is messing me up, so I’m switching brands of coffee. With my first pregnancy, I only every puked when I was taking a nasty pre-natal. Now I eat the gummy ones covered in sugar.

        • Anon in NYC says

          I love coffee and usually drink 3-4 cups a day, and I was excited when I read Expecting Better and realized that I could still drink coffee. But when I was pregnant I could only drink decaf because I got so sick from regular coffee. Like, a racing heart, head rush feelings, nausea, etc. I found that the caffeine in decaf was actually plenty for me.

    • Anonymous says

      There is something so special about the way a man looks at his newly-pregnant wife when she begins to show symptoms of pregnancy before the bump. And by special, I mean, fills me with rage. FYI — apparently the men “forget” that we’re pregnant, until we have a visible bump. So, those first 3 months, just keep reminding your man that you’re pregnant, this is normal, and if you fall in a mud puddle (or otherwise plainly need assistance) he should HELP YOU OUT and not just stand there gawking at you.

      • Cb says

        I’ve always heard this and was worried my husband would experience something similar. He has Asperger’s and sometimes struggles with the abstract. Instead, he’s been amazing and seems connected with the pregnancy already.

      • FTMinFL says

        This made me giggle. I totally scared DH to death with my crazy moods, “morning” sickness, and randomly falling asleep in the middle of sentences with our first. Now firmly in the throes of the 1st tri with our second, I am so much better at taking care of myself (sleeping more, eating better, etc.) and he has been better about acknowledging that life needs to slow down for a little while. There is nothing like all of the drama of the first child!

        • Meg Murry says

          I scared my husband (and myself) a couple days before we found out I was pregnant with our first. We tried to go sailing, and while that often results in a certain amount of yelling and frustration (grab that rope! no, not that one, the other one!) when we are trying not to tip over or fall out of the boat, especially since neither of us know the “correct” names for most things or forget them when we are stressed. But that day I was extra edgy, my balance was off, and when our yelling and miscommunicating finally resulted in me getting hit in the head with the boom I just sat down and sobbed. Don’t get me wrong, it hurts to get hit in the head – but this was a level of “yell, swear and get on with it” head bop, not incredibly painful or scary or other reason to sob.

          A couple of days later when I got a pregnancy test, I looked back and thought “oh, that crying fit makes so much more sense now!” And I think my husband was mildly relieved to find out I was just pregnant, not going crazy on him.

      • Pogo says

        Ha, he’s been really cute/helpful in general but I think the tears freaked him out. I usually only cry when something is actually wrong and there was really no reason for my meltdown other than shear exhaustion and hormones.

        Our first ultrasound is next week and I think it’ll be a lot more “real” to him then, too.

        • Pogo says

          and lol at “shear” exhaustion as opposed to “sheer”. no sheep involved, just sleepy me!

      • Anonymous says

        Yes — My husband would totally forget I was pregnant. Get him some sort of book for dads so he can read the part about the first trimester. For whatever reason, having someone else give him the information made it “sink in”.

    • Anonymous says

      Hugs to you both. Pregnancy is a wild ride, and I had ALL THE FEELINGS about it. You’re happy about the baby, but the reality of growing it just sucks sometimes, and it’s really difficult to communicate to anyone who hasn’t experienced it first hand. When you don’t look pregnant, people forget that you are and expect you to act normal when you often feel anything but. When you do look pregnant, they treat you differently in ways that p1ssed me off. Everyone’s different, and you have to find the best way of dealing with it for you, so good luck, and best wishes for understanding husbands. (The worst for me was that I would try really hard to hold it together all day at work and around my kids, so by the time it was just me and my husband, I zero energy left to interact normally/pleasantly. And we never knew whether giving me space was the right call, or whether it would trigger a meltdown that he was ignoring me and I felt so alone. Hormones are the best.) And at the end, you get a whole new set of frustrations in the form of a squalling infant! :) All joy and no fun, indeed.

      • lsw says

        Agree totally. I was sick for 7.5 months and delivered a little over a week early…so I had about three weeks of not feeling sick (and then I was huge and hot and swollen). It really does suck, so much, and it’s hard to just scale way down, especially when people can’t see the reason why. Being pregnant was terrible and I thank this s!te for giving me that mental permission to say, “This really sucks.” Haha. Then it will be over and the fun parts begin! A doctor I work with (for some reason that made me believe her more) told me that she felt better the instant she gave birth, and that was 100% true for me. I felt better, I slept better (believe it or not), and everything was just – better. I feel like I spent a long time trying to “fix” my pregnancy, and in the end – I just needed to endure. And now there’s a baby! So that’s fun. Good luck and hugs.

    • Leatty says

      Ugh. I can relate. 12 weeks tomorrow, and I’m still dealing with morning sickness. I threw up on a conference call this morning. Fortunately, I am working from home today and was able to mute my phone in time. I’m so over being sick.

  7. RDC says

    I feel like this has been well-discussed here, but I’m still flummoxed on infant sleep situations (and it’s for my second kid, so I should have this figured out!). We got a hand-me-down arms reach co-sleeper with the idea that the baby can sleep in our room. (We plan to use the co-sleeper set up as a bassinet, not docked to our bed.) However, I was surprised to see that 3 sides of the co-sleeper are fabric – not breathable mesh, but solid fabric. Isn’t that problematic once the baby starts to scoot around and especially roll over? We were hoping to use the co-sleeper for 4-6 months before transitioning to a regular crib; is that unrealistic? Would a mini crib work better for this purpose? (We don’t have room for a full crib in our room; baby will eventually share a room with the toddler but we wanted to delay that until baby is (closer to) sleeping thru the night.) I’m confused because the new recommendation is that baby sleep in parents room for 6 months, and yet the sleeping arrangements for that don’t seem safe for a 6-mo-old.

    • RDC says

      TL/DR version: If baby is supposed to spend 6 months in the parents’ room, and there’s not enough space for a full-sized crib, what are they supposed to be sleeping in all that time?

      • Spirograph says

        Not helpful, but our solution is that the baby is not going to sleep in our room until 6 months. He’s getting moved to his own crib in the bedroom across the hall at 4 months when he’s well and truly outgrown the bassinet. As far as the fabric on your co-sleeper, though, our bassinet has solid fabric sides. The baby scoots right up against them sometimes, but they’re fairly stiff and don’t mold to his face, so I don’t think there’s the suffocation risk there that there is with something softer like quilted crib bumpers or a pillow. You’re probably fine to use it. But if you’re worried, definitely look into a mini crib, pack n play, or similar.

        Also, I’m sure there are lots of reasons you’d rather have the baby sleeping through the night before moving out of your room, but just my experience in case you’re worried about the toddler’s sleep: my older kids have shared a room since the younger one was about 4 months old, and in the 1.5 years since then they’ve woken each other up exactly twice.

        • RDC says

          Thank you! Good to hear about the room-sharing. No idea what to expect with the toddler.

    • Therapist Gift says

      You could look at the Arms Reach Mini Ezee 2-in-1 blah blah to sidecar or stand alone. The sides are mesh. Also you could look at the BabyHome mini cribs. There’s now one with mesh siding.

      • jlg says

        take a look at the guava family lotus bassinet. we have the travel crib (which i can wholeheartedly recommend!), and if we didn’t have room for a crib in our room we would buy the bassinet conversion. i think the sides are mesh all the way down, just like on the travel crib. and they seem to care about avoiding formaldehyde and other nasties.

      • shortperson says

        guava family lotus bassinet. all mesh sides, very safe. good for travel too.

      • S says

        We have the arms reach mini cosleeper that we use as a bassinet and I’ve been really happy with it. LO definitely won’t fit for six months though, we plan on transitioning her around four months.

    • Butter says

      We did a mini pack n play – the Nuna Sena mini. We absolutely loved it. It was small enough that we could move it around the room easily, break it down if we needed to, etc. We used it for months 0-~5ish.

    • lsw says

      We used a Halo Bassinest until about 3.5 months, when it became too alarming that he was so active and looked like he could launch himself out of it. Now he’s in a Pack and Play. Do you have enough room for that? He still sleeps downstairs in his room in the crib for naps and when he first goes to sleep. We move him to the PnP when we go to bed and I nurse him right before he goes back down. I like it because he still wakes up to nurse. (He’s almost five months)

    • Anonymous says

      The ARC is only good until baby starts to sit/go up on knees. It’s too shallow for a baby who can sit. So really only good for 3-4 months. If you’re not going to use it attached to the bed, I’d just get a mini crib.

  8. Therapist Gift says

    Does one give a therapist a gift for the holidays? (I was imagining like a card + sbux card.)

    Here’s an added twist. She’s pregnant and her due date is 12/26. Do I give her (baby) a onesie?

    Here’s another added twist. She’s been pregnant for the whole time I’ve seen her, and we never discussed it until last week because I was there about birth-related trauma stuff. But like, of course it has been obvious. I figured that as the therapist, she got to decide if birth-related stuff was ok for her to discuss, and if she was OK with going forward, I would too. But does that make giving her baby a gift really weird?

    • Anonymous says

      Not weird. Card is fine – beyond that the most I would do is a book (like a Sandra Boynton board book).

    • TTC says

      Don’t give a physical gift. A thoughtful card (and maybe a referral or two!) would be most appreciated.

      • Katala says

        +1 depending on jurisdiction, there may be ethical rules against accepting gifts from clients. A card is nice but not expected.

    • Therapist Gift says

      Ah, I’m glad I asked. I will go with the card with a nice note (she *has* vastly improved my life, so at least I will know what to write)!

  9. ECR says

    I’m 37 weeks with baby 2. Baby 1 was an emergency c-section because of failure to descend (I fully dilated, pushed for 3 hrs, no dice). My OB said she was on board with a VBAC at the beginning of this second pregnancy, but now she’s showing some hesitation because the baby is on the larger side, still hasn’t engaged, and is in the posterior position. I want to avoid a c-section. Any words of wisdom? Feeling discouraged.

    • RDC says

      I’m sorry, that sounds really stressful. Maybe a chiropractor to help with the positioning? I don’t know what it’s called by there are chiropractors who specialize in prenatal adjustments to make sure the hips/Pelvis are well-positioned to allow the baby to descend. I can recommend mine if you happen to be in DC/nova.

      • Katala says

        Webster method! There may be others, but that’s the one I know of. It’s supposed to really help with positioning, and can’t hurt to try. My ligaments/pelvis/back/everything feel so. much. better. after seeing a chiro, and now that he’s getting more cramped I feel baby reposition himself during/after, so I do think it works.

        Hugs and good luck.

      • ECR says

        Thanks for suggesting a chiropractor; I hadn’t considered one. I will ask my OB to recommend.

    • NewMomAnon says

      How comfortable would you be with an emergency C-section or a very, very stressful labor? I imagine that could be the risk in your situation. Having birthed a posterior, large baby, I can tell you – it was hard, it took a long time (3 hours of pushing), it was exhausting, it was scary, and the medical team was on a hair-trigger to start an emergency C section. I gave birth to my kiddo with an IV in my arm, a catheter inserted, laying on my side on a surgical table in the OR with approximately eight hundred people waiting for my OB to order anesthesia. It looked nothing like my image of a quiet, dark room with me and my doula working through each contraction while I sniffed calming aromatherapy oils and visualized roses blooming.

      Which is just to say – I would have a very open conversation with your doctor about her concerns, the risks to you and the baby of either approach (C section or VBAC in this circumstance, which may not look like the statistics you see about VBACs generally), and whether there is anything you can do. Chiropractic care, spinning babies, lots of walking, yoga? Ask her what she thinks either situation would look like. And then trust her.

    • CPA Lady says

      I hope you get the birth experience that you want. I also want to mention that a planned c-section (is that what your doc is suggesting?) is a very different experience from an emergency c-section. You get a good nights sleep (as much as you can at 39 weeks), go to the hospital, put on the gown, get the spinal block medicine, and 15 minutes later you’re holding your baby. It was such a smooth and easy process in my experience. Very different from going through labor for hours, pushing for hours, and then having emergency surgery.

      • ChiLaw says

        Wow, thank you for writing this. I had a very scary emergency-C and have been terrified about having another (if I were to get pregnant again) — I hadn’t considered how different a scheduled one might feel.

        • ECR says

          My OB also mentioned that a scheduled c-section is a lot easier, and I really do believe that’s the case. But I’m worried about the recovery with a toddler and about potential uterine scarring that would prevent subsequent pregnancies.

          • NewMomAnon says

            Counterpoint on recovery with a toddler: with a planned C section, you can make expectations known in advance and line up back up care so you’re not scrambling after an emergency C section.

            I don’t have any information on uterine scarring, but child birth (however done) always carries some risk. It is possible to have complications from a vaginal birth that make it impossible to have future pregnancies, too. Talk to your doctor about all the risks of both approaches.

        • Anononymous says

          When I was pregnant I had maybe 50 different women give me their pregnancy experiences (I work in a child/woman friendly environment) and of course have friends going through pregnancy at aprox. same time. Everyone I know who had a scheduled C-section had a totally fine experience, everyone who had a vaginal delivery had a fine experience (I mean, there were “normal” amounts of difficulty, physical damage etc., but nobody was truly upset about it.) The only people who seemed to have trouble were those who labored a lot and had unscheduled C-section had the worst of both worlds and were pretty unhappy about it.

          My vaginal delivery was fine, but my after-care was not the best and also the hospital’s pediatrician was garbage.

      • Anon says

        I know I’m late, but THIS. My first was an emergency C that involved actual emergencies for both me and my baby, the second was a planned C. It was a night-and-day experience! I was terrified of the second time around, but it was the best experience I could have wished for. I really felt like it “gave me back” the joy of a birth experience. So stress-free and calming and smooth. I loved getting to walk into the OR this time, sit on the operating table myself, etc. Much more empowering than being wheeled in on a gurney with alarms blaring.

        I’m not having any more, but if I had a third, a scheduled C would be my birthplan, no hesitation.

    • K. says

      There is a private facebook group called VBAC and Birth After Caesarian Evidence Based Facts. They are very passionate and sometimes are harsh with their advice (I think because some of them also follow some super “all natural birth” groups that advocate for VBAC in situation where babies have died due to poor “medical advice”–so some of the group members get concerned about that). However, their advice is very solid and it is a very supportive group of several thousand ladies, including several OBs and nurses who answer questions regularly. They would have a lot of knowledgable advice for you that would be helpful.

    • Anonymous says

      I have posted on here once before about this, but I attempted VBAC and don’t regret it, although it ended with c section. For me, attempting the VBAC, even though it wasn’t successful, gave me the assurance that c section was indeed the right / necessary choice. Both times I was pregnant, my water broke without me being in labor. First time the doctor steered me towards c section within hours, based on my baby being “big” — then turned out he was only around 7 lbs, so I felt regret about that decision. Second time, I had a different doctor who was very supportive of my desire to VBAC, but 24 hours after my water broke baby’s heart rate was dropping slightly so I was told to go in for the c section at that time. Which I was fine with since I knew after 24 hours with water broker and with little progress I probably needed c section. Turned out I had a uterine window (repaired in c section) and that the baby was 9 lbs 9 oz.

    • In House Lobbyist says

      I had an emergency c section the first time and a “T” incision because he was stuck and breach (which no one knew until the last minute). So there was no way I could have a VBAC and had a planned c section the second time. It was so much easier – it was smoother, calmer and I felt so much better afterwards. My recovery was better and my incision was much cleaner and healed perfectly. Just wanted to throw out that I was terrified of a second c section but it was much better the planned time around.

  10. Anon for this says

    I typed up a big long thing this morning and then I think it went into the moderation abyss never to be seen again.

    But my husband and I had one of those arguments last night where I realized that we’re in a much worse place than I thought. We’ve been through really rough patches together before so I’m pretty sure we can get through this one too. And the fight was over something so incredibly stupid that I’m embarrassed to type it out. I was so enraged because he wouldn’t eat a cookie I baked for the daycare cookie swap. Of course it’s not about the cookie. It’s about how only the moms get the daycare emails with all the extra stuff we’re supposed to do. And about how it’s going to reflect poorly on me for not doing it, but wont have the slightest effect on him. And me doing all this extra crap and him not ever recognizing or thanking me for it, and on top of that rejecting it. He didn’t even want to try a homemade cookie? Seriously? And then I got to daycare today and the stupid cookie swap is next Tuesday, not today– at least I could laugh about that. Can I just hide under my bed until everything is magically happy again? I feel like I’ve turned into an enraged harpy over the last couple of years and don’t know how to make myself normal and sane again. Thoughts? Commiseration?

    • PinkKeyboard says

      I was absolutely enraged that my husband didn’t eat my lemony turkey meatballs and rice (that are objectively delicious and contain nothing he doesn’t like). I’m still pretty bitter. So no advice, but grrrr.

    • NewMomAnon says

      Hugs. It sounds like someone in your house is depressed. My guess is that you are, but your husband’s response to your request is also…off? Like, if someone I loved was going over the edge because I didn’t want to try a cookie, I would realize that this was not about the cookie and try to comfort that person?

      Have you tried therapy and meds? I think you need to talk to your GP and get a therapist who can help you figure out how much of your “harpy” tendencies are irrational anxiety and how much are caused by unmet needs and desires. It doesn’t have to be this bad.

      • Anon for this says

        I actually have been wondering about myself lately. I don’t think I’m depressed but I think I may be having a bad reaction to my birth control. I’ve never had mood swings on any other birth controls, but since I started the depo shot I’ve been … kind of insane. I think I’m going to call my doctor and see if I can switch to something else and see if that helps.

        • Anon in NYC says

          If you’re on depo, you might really be going insane (not to be cavalier). When I was in college, I used the Depo shot for about a year and 3 months. For the first year it was glorious. Then I got my last shot, and man, something was just OFF. I didn’t really understand what was going on with me – possibly depression – but I fortunately managed to connect the dots to the Depo shot and stopped taking it after that last injection, and things really did go back to normal.

          • Work travel? says

            +1 I could have written this response. Stop the Depo…actually a few years ago when I was considering switching from a Pill I thought I read a study that had shown this to be a REALLY common side effect, to the extent that it was no longer recommended.

      • mascot says

        Yeah, this isn’t about a cookie. When my depression/anxiety gets going, I’m liable to snap over things like this. It could also be the hormones in the birth control My ability to tolerate those after having a kid went through the floor. I’d suggest talking to your doctor and seeing if there is something else you can try.

        • Frozen Peach says

          That reaction sounds exactly like me during hormonal shifts (i.e., weaning, dropping a pumping session, etc). EXACTLY. It’s the Depo.

    • anon says

      This may be Pollyanna but does the fact that this enraged you really mean your marriage is in a bad place, or just that you were really upset–understandably so!–about a frustrating and somewhat intractable problem? (FWIW, it seems like you shouldn’t blame your husband for all of this – daycare and social norms are more to blame). Both my husband and I have the capacity to wildly over-react, and that has been fairly constant throughout our 9 year relationship; although the particular triggers have changed. One time before we were married he got really annoyed at me about something stupid–I can’t even remember what–and he yelled, “I WILL KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP!” And then 10 minutes later I was like, “I can’t believe you said that,” and he was like, “Yeah, I guess that was a little over the top, huh?”

      • Anon for this says

        I just laughed out loud at the kill you in your sleep thing. Thank you for that.

      • Lurker says

        I just laughed so hard that I had to explain to my husband what I was laughing at.

    • Samantha says

      Oh man. Lots and lots of commiseration. Its a symptom of our culture that we are parents beat ourselves up over every little thing. Your daycare kid probably doesn’t care a hoot if he has home-baked cookies or not. I’ve been in your situation though. Hope you are able to get to a fairer balance of work between the two of you.

    • Katala says

      Hugs. The default parent stuff is so hard. My thought would be to apologize for the behavior (overreacting to the actual incident, if you said something you regret, whatever you can apologize for genuinely) and then tell him what you need him to do to help these feelings – because you shouldn’t apologize for having them. Can he help with the cookies next week? Watch kiddo while you bake on Sunday? Buy some at the store? Just eat a damn cookie next time?! I find giving H a concrete action he can take helps him know how to get things back on track and can open the door for a more productive conversation on the actual issue.

    • Anon for this says

      Okay, and of course, now it posted from this morning at the very top.

    • Em says

      Hugs, and I understand your frustration, particularly on the emotional labor of daycare. Two thoughts that may help.

      (1) I realize this is situation dependent, but by happenstance everything from daycare gets funneled through my husband because he does 95% of the pick ups and drop offs. I use this to ignore any superfluous stuff I don’t want to go to or do. For example, I refused to take my baby to their trunk or treat event, but I participated in pajama day (because, hello! not having to dress him saves me time in the morning). Can you change the email to your husband’s email address and let daycare (and your husband) know that he will be handling all requests and notifications? If he thinks Obviously this is more difficult if you have older kids who will feel left out if he drops the ball on something.

      (2) Your description about your reaction reminds me of how I used to react to my husband when we were engaged. I realized through meeting with my doctor that I had moderate anxiety, which was causing me to react emotionally. I benefitted enormously from a 9-month regimen of Lexapro. Not saying this is true for you, but it is something to consider. Our relationship, and particularly my ability to handle stress and communicate effectively, has improved tremendously from it.

    • IDGAF says

      Can I just give you permission to stop doing extra things that you don’t want to do?

      We have no Christmas decorations this year. We are open about the fact that aren’t putting them up out of sheer laziness. If people want to judge, let them!

    • Closet Redux says

      Last night my husband reminded me that we need a sitter on Friday night so we could go to a dinner one of his colleagues is hosting. I was at that moment texting with two sitters in regards to the three nights in the next two weeks that we need someone. I RAGED at him. Yes, thank you for reminding me of the thing that I am doing not just at this very moment, but perpetually– coordinating our lives! He was like, calm down, if you want me to do it, I will. And I was like, oh, really? You will? Do you have their phone numbers? He said, no, but I would get them from you. And I was like THAT IS EXACTLY MY POINT!

      I think it’s true that so much of these unequal burden matters are the fault of social norms, as a poster above says, but at the same time I think its completely reasonable to expect your partner to acknowledge and actively work against them. For me I think I need to be more proactive about asking him to do things that are on my plate if I truly want them off of my plate, but also know that there are certain things that I will always do because I am better at them. I mean, he has no way of knowing what’s on my plate if I don’t tell him, right?

      For example, I want to look into enrolling our kiddo in a gymnastics class that starts in January to give her something active to do in the cold winter months. (1) This would never occur to him. He is just fine hanging at home or driving to the library or otherwise slogging through the winter with no plans. I like plans! And trying new things and brainstorming activities and things like that. So coming up with this idea and finding a class can be my job. I’m already doing it. (2) What I don’t need to do myself is make the calls. He can call and see what the cost/ availability/ requirements are. He can mail the check in, buy the leotard (or whatever), etc. This whole thing doesn’t need to be my project. Splitting up the discrete tasks seems like a good way to even out the burden and engender some ownership. Of course, it’s on me to split up the tasks, ask him to do them, follow-up to make sure he has done them, etc. but it might be better than the alternative of feeling like I have to do it all.

      • NewMomAnon says

        May I suggest GoogleDocs or some other document sharing system to coordinate some of this? For instance, your babysitter’s phone numbers could easily be in a document that you both share. You could have a weekly shared schedule with a scheduled block that says “PLANNED ACTIVITY” and if your current planned activity is ending, you both know to find the next thing. You put doctor’s appointments, school conferences/concerts, and other big family events on the shared schedule.

        Other things you could share: budgets, inventory of kids clothes for each season so you both know what needs to be replaced, child’s medical history (or even your own medical history) and copy of insurance cards/doctor contact info, information about teacher names and how many classroom gifts are needed for Valentines Day/birthday/cookie exchange, etc (if your daycare punishes you with those tasks).

        Co-parenting post-divorce has taught me all sorts of neat tricks.

        • mascot says

          Ooh, I like the idea of a parking lot document for all these random kid facts/tasks.

          My husband freaked out the other day because our kid doesn’t have shoes other than athletic shoes, cleats, and flip flops because 99% of the time those are all he needs. In fact, we had just talked about this at the shoe store a few weeks prior. All of a sudden DH decides that kid needed nice shoes for a holiday brunch. Since this was on a Sunday morning an hour before our reservation and nothing was open, he finally relented that new tennis shoes would be fine. Turns out, a whole bunch of kids wore their tennis shoes too.

        • Walnut says

          +1 to the shared Google Docs. We also use a shared Google Calendar and the Trello app to coordinate to do lists. Adding the revolving grocery list to Trello has saved so much time and energy.

      • pockets says

        Let me tell you my story about the family calendar. I made a family calendar on google. Husband wanted me to figure out how to sync it with his Outlook calendar so it showed up on his phone. Fine. I figured that out (it’s not easy BTW). Then I had to tell him what program to download to sync it, explain how to set up auto-sync once a week, and how to put things on the calendar. We did all that (along the way Husband screwed it up so that all his work appointments showed up on the family calendar, which I then had to explain to him how to delete them). Great. HUSBAND STILL ASKS ME IF WE HAVE PLANS ON ANY GIVEN WEEKEND. I refuse to answer beyond “check the family calendar.” I think if I do this enough times, eventually he will stop asking me and just go straight to checking. Nope! When I ask why he keeps asking me instead of checking, he says he first wants to see if I just knew about plans before he went through the effort of checking. I lost it. I set up the calendar; figured out how to get it to work with your phone; talked you through how to sync it; fixed the problems you created; AND YOU STILL REFUSE TO LOOK AT THE CALENDAR BECAUSE YOU JUST ASSUME THAT I WILL KNOW THE INFORMATION YOU WANT AND IT’S EASIER TO BOTHER ME THAN TO FIGURE IT OUT YOURSELF.

        I am seriously considering instituting a rule that I get to sleep in 15 minutes extra on a weekend every time he asks me if we have plans on a given day.

        • Kelly C. says

          I gave up on the electronic calendars. I put a giant paper calendar in the kitchen–the largest one I could buy off Amazon. All of the family events, work travel that affects the other parent, and the babysitter schedule go on that calendar. My husband keeps up with it so much better than the electronic calendar, which never worked for us and was never maintained by anyone but me.

          • Em says

            +1 We have a dry erase weekly calendar on the fridge. My husband lets me know if he has a work event or other plans and I write it down in my own planner (it happens maybe 3 times a month, so not a lot of effort). Every Sunday I copy the next week’s events from my planner and he is awesome about checking that and not asking me “do we have anything this Saturday?”

          • Meg Murry says

            Thank you for the reminder that I need to go back to a paper calendar for 2017. It at least sort-of worked. A shared google calendar did not.

            The other pro for a paper calendar is that back when I was consistent with it, I taught my son (1st grade at the time) to add things to the calendar, or to remind me to add them, and taught him to check the calendar himself. It has fallen by the wayside in the past year or so, but there’s no time like the present to go back to it.

        • CHJ says

          OMG exactly this on the Google calendar! I will try Kelly C’s idea of a giant paper calendar instead.

          And I’m on cookie baking duty in a few weeks, so all sorts of sympathy to OP. There might be Pillsbury refrigerated dough on the shopping list…

        • SC says

          You should try the 15-minutes-of-sleep rule. DH used to leave loose change around everywhere. A few years ago, I told him that from that point forward, all loose change I found was part of SC’s Anthro Fund. DH hates Anthro (and honestly, post-30 and post-kiddo, it’s not really my style anymore). Total contributions to SC’s Anthro Fund added up to about 50 cents. The change just disappeared.

        • Erin S says

          pockets – I laughed at your post! My husband isn’t QUITE that bad (hehe sorry) but sometimes he still asks me things about our plans even though I put them in our google calendar. I always respond with “Well what does the calendar say?” I totally like your 15 minutes of sleep rule. We have something kind of similar – I used to ask my husband to do the same thing a million times (could you please [insert random household or family related task that he was supposed to do] like you were supposed to last week?) So we came up with a new rule that instead of me asking him and nagging him about it, we would put that task in the calendar with a deadline. If I ask him about it before the deadline is up, I owe 10 dollars. If he doesn’t complete the task by the deadline, he owes 10 dollars. And then we take it a step further and if he has a lot of fees racked up (right now he owes $50 in fees!!) then he can “work off” those fees by doing something else. For example if he runs for 20 minutes (I’m trying to encourage him to get back into working out like he used to be) then he can deduct $20. Or if he packs a lunch instead of buying lunch at work, he can deduct $10. Just throwing some other ideas out there!!

    • pockets says

      I totally get where you’re coming from. FWIW, this sounds like a hormonal reaction, so I second the thoughts about birth control issues. I had similarly crazy reactions to things that really shouldn’t have bothered me (or under normal circumstances wouldn’t have bothered me, regardless of whether they “should have” bothered me) when I was pregnant.

      Also – and I say this with a lot of understanding – default parent judgment only matters to the extent you let it matter (while also recognizing that if it does matter to you, your husband should be trying to help you, not telling you that this doesn’t matter). Next time, buy the freaking cookies (true story: we were supposed to make something to bring in for our child’s Thanksgiving “feast” at daycare. My designated food was stuffing. I have never made stuffing. I don’t think I’ve ever even eaten stuffing. So I went to the grocery store and bought stuffing. I even got the fancy cranberry stuffing. The woman I bought it from suggested I take off the price sticker but I refused. I have No Time to Make Stuffing, and I feel No Shame About That.) Or order dinner in that night if you really have to make homemade ones. Or task your husband with figuring out dinner. Engage in self-care so you don’t get to the point where you’re so stressed out that things like this turn into massive fights.

      • pockets says

        I just realized that I said “crazy reactions” and I really didn’t mean that. I meant reactions that may have been out of proportion to the issue that I was facing. I really didn’t mean to say your reaction was crazy.

        • Anon for this says

          No, it’s okay. I was kind of crazy. It’s his busy time at work so I’ve been picking up a lot of slack at home, plus there are a million holiday things this time of year. So we’re both exhausted and short-tempered. I was going to get break and bake cookies, but they didn’t have the kind I usually get. If I do this again next year, I’ll just get whatever kind they have.

      • anon says

        Can I just post a PSA for StoveTop stuffing here? We were in the midst of (still are) renovating, packing, and moving during thanksgiving and I decided to try it. You dump it in a bowl with hot water and melted butter and it is ready to eat in 5 minutes. And it was so delicious! It must be the MSG but whatever, it was good!

        • RR says

          OMG, my mom makes the best stuffing you have ever tasted. It’s literally Stove Top. She does throw some turkey and some turkey “juice” in there, but it’s Stove Top.

    • ChiLaw says

      I want to chime in with commiseration. One of the big signs for me that I needed help (for me a combo of meds and therapy is working awesome!) was my *rage.* Oh just blinding rage at the slightest thing. Apparently that was how my depression and anxiety reared their heads.

      With respect to the daycare thing… when I text my (nulliparous) friends about daycare activities I always get the same response: “they need to calm down.” I have a competitive streak, and I do genuinely like doing crafty things, so it can be hard to resist the urge to *win* at trunk-or-treat or “mulitcultural thanksgiving potluck” whatever other wackiness. But I’m drawing the line at the Ugly Sweater Party this year. (1) there are going to be pictures w Santa, and eff if she’s gonna wear something ugly for that, and (2) i don’t like the classism/lightly hidden snobbery in those things. Anyway that’s a tangent. The point is, I am going to try to do less of this stuff.

      (Side rant: I have a SAH partner and he does a lot of the traditional “mom” stuff: cooking, cleaning, groceries, laundry, pet care. BUT he doesn’t care about these cookie swap type things, and *he* doesn’t stand to lose face if he does less than is expected, or forgets entirely — daycare is at my work, so I really do know and see the other moms. So I will be making browies shaped like xmas trees tomorrow night. Sigh.)

      • mascot says

        Funny store about school parties: one year, my mom spent a ridiculous amount of time making green rice krispie treats with cinnamon dot ornaments in the shape of christmas trees. the kids thought they were weird (bc green) so no one ate them. Sometimes cute goes too far, this is my excuse not to get creative when doing school treats.

      • NewMomAnon says

        But, if you cut the brownies to look like xmas trees, won’t that result in waste of valuable brownie real estate? I would cut ’em into squares and if you’re feeling ambitious afterward, frost them and apply a little colored sugar or even those pressed sugar cake decorations.

        Aww, j/k. I would totally buy a tub of brownie bites at the grocery store. Life is short, I don’t have time to bake brownies if I’m not gonna eat them.

        • Meg Murry says

          But if you send the xmas trees to daycare, that might mean you get to eat all the non-tree pieces at home yourself. I might go for that :-)

      • SC says

        I wouldn’t cut the brownies into Christmas trees either. Throw some red and green M&Ms on top when they come out of the oven and are still soft.

        So, this tip does absolutely nothing to address the societal problems we’re discussing in this thread. But for those of us who can’t get out of working FT and being the default parent, my bad*ss mom who did EVERYTHING when I was growing up gave me this advice. Just pick a recipe you like, can make and clean up after quickly, and travels well, and be “known for” that thing. Make that thing for every occasion. For my mom, it’s pound cake. Mine is brownies. I keep brownie ingredients on hand in my kitchen, and I can whip up a batch in 15 minutes using one measuring cup, one bowl, one spoon, and one pan. Whenever there’s a baking occasion, for work or school or friends or company or just because I’m craving dessert, I make brownies. This technique cuts out the emotional labor of deciding what to make and the actual labor of extra shopping trips from ingredients and cuts down on the cooking/cleaning labor because it’s easy, I pretty much know the recipe, and it’s fast to clean up.

      • ChiLaw says

        My plan is to do the brownies in a round pan (pans?) so that I can cut them into pie-like slices, and then a squiggle of green frosting = christmas trees! Also I’m doing box brownies.

        The idea of having a thing you’re known for is so great though. I’ve gotta think on that. I want people to be like “ooh I bet ChiLaw will bring the ___s!”

  11. Anonymous says

    I’m a FT working mom and my partner also works FT. Honestly, something has to give. I’m not crafty/good in the kitchen to begin with, and I value time with my kid more than anything. So my solution is to buy stuff. I buy cookies, buy food for daycare potlucks, I always sign up for the non-food items (you need plates and napkins – awesome), and I buy my munchkins Halloween costumes. Yes, homemade is great, healthier, etc. But, at some point, your sanity is worth more. And, your kid will not care either way. It is not possible to do all of the things all of the time and succeed at all of them. I’m still trying to find time to exercise and put night moisturizer on my face (don’t ask). So please, for the love of all that is holy, we need to put less pressure on ourselves.
    And, my lovely partner forgot to bring my kid his sheets to daycare yesterday, so wee one was sleeping on a gross cot. OMG. Must not get too angry.

    • pockets says

      Haha my kid went to daycare with no sheet yesterday too, and I only realized when she pulled her daycare blanket out of her drawer today. In my mind I said, Wait, isn’t that supposed to be at daycare? If it’s here it can’t be there. Ohhhhh. When I asked my daughter what she slept on she said her sweatshirt and seemed generally unfazed.

    • GCA says

      Ditto. I haven’t even seen the sheet in 1.5 weeks. Must stop allowing lovely partner to do Friday daycare pickup. *sigh*

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