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This is one of those products that you will use almost every day during the newborn phase. It is a multitasker that serves as a breastfeeding cover, scarf, and car seat cover. My favorite use for it by far was as a car seat cover. I frequently used my car seat (Chicco KeyFit 30) and snapped it into my stroller base (Uppababy Cruz) when running errands. The best part of this car seat cover is that it resists nosy people from sticking their face too close to the baby or touching the baby. As a bonus, while it keeps things dark enough that the baby can continue to sleep, it has a hole at the top so that air can circulate and you can see what’s going on inside. I found it much more handy than draping a blanket or swaddle over the top of the carrying handle. The material was light and stretchy, and it comes in different patterns. It’s $11.99 at Amazon with Prime and free returns. Nursing and Carseat Cover
Psst: Looking for more info about nursing clothes for working moms, or tips for pumping at the office? We’ve got them both…
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Sales of note for 9.10.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Extra 40% off sale styles
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- Zappos – 26,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Birthday sale, 40-50% off & extra 20% off select styles
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off all baby; up to 40% off all Halloween
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Extra 30% off sale styles
- Old Navy – 40% off everything
- Target – BOGO 25% off select haircare, up to 25% off floor care items; up to 30% off indoor furniture up to 20% off TVs
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- The concept of “backup care” is so stupid…
- I need tips on managing employees in BigLaw who have to leave for daycare pickup…
- I’m thinking of leaning out to spend more time with my family – how can I find the perfect job for that?
- I’m now a SAHM and my husband needs to step up…
- How can I change my thinking to better recognize some of my husband’s contributions as important, like organizing the shed?
- What are your tips to having a good weekend with kids, especially with little kids? Do you have a set routine or plan?
avocado says
A gazillion years ago I used the Bebe au Lait nursing cover (then called the “Hooter Hider,” fortunately renamed shortly after I bought mine). It is a square of fabric about the size of a receiving blanket with an apron-like adjustable neck strap to keep it in place. The top edge is stiffened so it stands away from your body just enough for you to see baby, but not enough for anyone else to see underneath. Because it’s not form-fitting like the featured item, it is very easy to use and does not interfere with nursing or repositioning. It also makes a good car seat cover.
Cb says
One of my friends has this and it looks really sensible. I’m fairly shameless though and will happily nurse wherever with very little coverage.
avocado says
I nursed a lot at day care, and had the most issues nursing in public there because of the interest from other babies. Once one crawled over and signed “milk.” I assumed she was just telling me she knew exactly what was going on under that cover, but it was still unnerving.
Cb says
That’s hilarious! A friend swapped to formula and I felt like her son was eyeing me up while I was nursing.
Anonymous says
What is with the baby signing?!? It’s so weird!
Kara says
Babies can learn to talk through sign language before they can verbally talk. Both my daughter could sign “milk” by seven months and by one year, my oldest could sign about ten words. It was so helpful! So far my eight month old can just sign “milk” and either “all done” or “more”–she just started that one this week and I can’t exactly tell what she is saying because she’s not doing it very exact. Ha!!
lawsuited says
The MOST helpful sign is “sleep” because it allows our son to tell us that he’s getting sleepy.
Coach Laura says
Yeah, I wished I’d taught mine how to sign because they didn’t say things like milk or food until about age 2. Signing milk, sleepy, water, give etc would have been very helpful.
Anonymous says
I LOLed at this. I don’t think that’s ever happened to me, but what did happen was the usual – as baby got older, he became more distractible and hated the nursing cover with greater intensity, so that if I was nursing with the cover it was like trying to manage an enraged octopus in a sheet, and if I was nursing without the cover he was popping up to look around every few seconds.
Anon in NYC says
lol, same. I had the bebe au lait (the name is still cringeworthy) cover, but I found that a muslin swaddle worked best for me because I didn’t have to get anything around my neck and I could adjust the coverage for me/kiddo as needed.
Anonymous says
Enraged octopus in a sheet is an excellent description … and possibly band name!
NewMomAnon says
I had a kiddo who was probably about 3 or 4 attempt to nurse from me at an indoor playground – I did not handle it well. And now kiddo is curious about nursing again (she is 4!) and trying to convince me to let her inside my shirt so she can “drink milk.” Part of me wishes I had never nursed…I did not realize it would haunt me for years after weaning!
avocado says
Eeek! A 3-year-old is definitely old enough to know that you only get milk from your own mommy.
Blueberries says
I’ll also nurse just about anywhere without a cover. A columnist in the local newspaper referred to nursing covers as “booby burqas” around the time I had my first child, which helped me feel comfortable that I didn’t need to be covering up for other people—that I only needed to do it if it was what I wanted for me and my baby. It was great to be relieved of the stress of figuring out how to feed my baby without offending people.
AwayEmily says
I’ve never been able to get a nursing cover to work properly. My babies always start angrily swatting at it and refuse to nurse. Usually if I know I’m going to be nursing in close proximity to other people I’ll wear a nursing tank with a t-shirt over it, so I can pull up the t-shirt to cover my “upper b00b.” Gauze infinity scarves have also worked well because there’s not much fabric there so the baby is less likely to notice/get annoyed at me.
Pogo says
I just use an Aden + Anais muslin swaddle for both a nursing cover and car seat cover. I couldn’t be bothered to get such a specific use item.
Anon says
I had the bebe au lait cover (or a knockoff) and it was super helpful the first few months when I was getting the hang of nursing and not comfortable nursing in public or say in front of my FIL. After about 2 months though, I was primarily nursing without out it, and K would get so warm under there. Then it became useful for nursing in the occasional too stodgy or too public to be comfortable nursing places (certain steakhouse in town at prime dinner time, hibachi steakhouse across the communal table from unknown little kids, my parents’ country club dining room, etc.)
consultant's wife says
+1
For the first few months, I really needed that stiffened opening at the top to help baby latch on. Now that he’s nearly 6 months, we switched over to the one of these scarves. He can latch on his own now, and his flailing arms tend to knock the apron style out of place.
Anonymous says
I keep getting ads for “free” car seat covers from whatever online company. Like each registry I’ve signed up for has given me a “gift” of coupons for free items to 100 different super specific cute baby online shops – ie, monogrammed pacifier website, carseat cover website, frilly diaper cover website. Do you guys buy anything from these tiny sites? I feel like I’m going to get ripped off, even if all I have to do is pay shipping.
Anonymous says
Does anyone know how Aerie sizing runs? I’m thinking of ordering some one-piece swimsuits and bralettes. I usually wear small shirts in most brands. 32C or 34B, but a bit wider in the hips/bum. Thanks in advance for any advice!
Anonymous says
I got a ton of bralettes during my last pregnancy and for nursing. (Love their regular bras too!). At 36a the L is a little big; L fit fine for mid pregnancy (36/38 C) and extra large for mursing. If you have a smaller band I bet a medium would fit. I wouldn’t do S with a C cup.
Triangle Pose says
I’m 32C in their bras and need their XS in bralettes.
anonanon says
On some recommendations here I tried this – my measurements are similar to yours. I found they are REALLY sized for teenagers – it just didn’t work for me. Nothing fit exactly right.
Beach Vacation! says
We are heading to Hawaii (Maui) next week with a toddler. I remember a previous discussion about pop up beach tents. There are a million option on Amazon so thought I’d check in with the experts. I’d like it to fold down small enough to pack in a large suitcase and large enough that toddler could nap in there.
Any other must dos on Maui or beach trip tips are very welcome! I am feeling a little underprepared for this trip.
Anon in NYC says
Is this something that you can buy or rent locally? I recently took a beach trip with my 3 year old and we just bought some stuff there and just left it. It feels like such a waste of money, but I was happy to not have to schlep some items. Maybe your hotel can procure one for you?
We just went with the flow on our trip. Kiddo actually hated the beach/ocean, so we mostly spent time in the pool. We packed a ton of snacks, both in our carry on and in our luggage. Bring some tupperware/containers/ziploc bags that you usually use for packing kiddos food – it was really great to be able to pack up some familiar snacks. If you’re planning on renting an airbnb where you plan to cook, pack up some necessary supplies, like salt/pepper or anything else that would be annoying to buy. Our beach trip was the most relaxing vacation we’ve taken with kiddo yet, so I hope it goes smoothly for you!
AIMS says
You can also ship it to your hotel. Whether you want to schlep it back is up to you but I’ve actually just gifted similar items to people I met on my trip in this situation (i.e., if I’d see another family with a small kid and I might ask if they want it).
CBG says
I ordered one off Amazon to bring to Maui and it was almost too wide to fit in our suitcase and since our bag was pretty full I left it at home. When we got there, we decided to rent a stroller and used Maui Baby Rentals, it arrived the next morning,and we just left it with the concierge for pickup at the end of our stay. I know they had beach toys and shades you could rent too, for a reasonable price I’m glad I didn’t bring the beach tent because our resort had shaded beach lounger things, and it was too windy on the beach most days we were there (north shore). We kept the tent to use for future trips and picnics since it was cheap, but I wouldn’t suggest ordering one to schlep to Maui, unless you know you’ll be at the beach a lot (instead of the pool) and not staying at a resort that may offer loungers or umbrellas.
Beach Vacation! says
Thanks. We’ll be at a condo complex so I’ll call and ask. Good to know that Maui Baby Rentals exists!
BigLaw Sr Assoc says
We just buy cheap items for this when we arrive. I don’t know what tents cost, but umbrellas are around $20. We don’t like checking bags, and it feels like a small expense.
Anonymous says
By the time you don’t check bags, it probably evens out.
LadyNFS says
Just returned from Maui with my (then) 8-month old. Had so much fun! For the beach we bought a Pacific Breeze tent on Amazon. Had it shipped to our hotel and just checked it in the box it was shipped in coming home (it folds up into a carrying case and is very lightweight, but I didn’t have a suitcase large enough for it / we had so much baby gear anyway between the stroller and carseat, what’s one more item?!).
I highly recommend an “Upcountry” day. We did a tour at O’o farms where you learn about the farm, pick your own produce, and they cook you an amazing meal. (They supply the restaurant Pacific’O, which I also highly recommend). Very child friendly. We also went to Surfing Goat Dairy, where we had fresh goat cheese, and my kiddo got to stare at baby goats. If you want, you can take a tour and your toddler can feed / pet said goats as well, which I imagine my kid would have really enjoyed if she were older. Lots of great restaurant recs in Maui as well, seemed like we never had a bad meal. Would be happy to offer more info if you need it. Have so much fun!!
Anonymous says
On the nursing topic…has anyone run across casual t-shirts/tops lately that can be easily pulled down to nurse? So: deep-ish U or V, super stretchy. It’s so hard to judge online what will actually work.
Aly says
I really like the Old Navy Luxe U neck shirts. Drapes nicely, can easily pull a b**b out. The price is also very child friendly.
SG says
+1 to old navy’s luxe line. I’m also a fan of LatchedMama but recommend ordering a size up. Target has some dresses online with low enough necklines as well
NewMomAnon says
I used the Target maternity tanks for a long time after pregnancy (err….am still using them now). They are super stretchy, and longer than normal tanks. I found they worked well for nursing. Not sure if they still carry them.
KateMiddletown says
Pull down collars are hard because they don’t last long, so either go high or low – ON for low budget, or the Blanqi nursing top.
PSA I’m obsessed with the Blanqi tank I just bought (only b/c its 50% off in May for “mothers day”) bc it provides just a little bit of support on my 20wk uterus. Went on a hike Sunday which would have been a no-go but for that tank top. It was $40 but I’ve already worn it 5x since purchasing two weeks ago, and I can see it fitting the whole pregnancy.
Anonymous says
where did you buy blanqui for 50% off?
KateMiddletown says
They were advertising it for the month of May – I just looked on their FB page and it ended May 20th :( I’ll post a code for 20% off below (fair warning it’s some sort of referral where I get $5 off if I ever buy another.)
KateMiddletown says
http:// blanqi. refr . cc / alexortedrice
(take out the spaces)
KateMiddletown says
And fwiw, I’m not sure if I would pay full price (because I’m cheap.) But I might buy a pair of their leggings if and when they come out again (sold out on website)
Clementine says
I feel like you all would appreciate my new go-to ‘oh god that person just had a baby and I really should send something but what do they need and I don’t have any time to do any of this’ gift: big boxes of snacks.
If you go to ama zon and search for care packages, a bajillion different options come up, including GF, Vegan, Healthy, total throwback junk food style, etc.
For $20-35 you get a much appreciated, very practical gift and it takes like 8 seconds to order and get shipped to them. I just sent one to a friend who just had her 4th baby and she was genuinely happy to have single handed snacks to eat.
Cb says
I was really surprised when people would come to see the baby but not bring food. Apparently it isn’t a British thing. I would have loved a box of snacks. Or one of those fruit bouquets or a Harry & David tower of snacks.
Em says
We did this for a friend of mine who moved to a town with no access to a restaurant or grocery store that would deliver food. I didn’t find a basket I liked, so made a prime pantry box full of snacks and had it delivered.
lsw says
This is awesome! My friend brought a meal over when we first had our baby, and also brought Costco bags of Boom Chicka Pop, those harvest snap pea crisps, and a case of Spindrift. I could have kissed her.
anon says
My neighbor’s son was a Starbucks barista when I had twins. They were changing their baked goods supplier, so she brought over a huge bag of plastic-wrapped single serving pound cakes, muffins, etc., that weren’t due to expire for months. It was the greatest thing to have on hand. And now I refuse to spend any money on Starbucks baked goods because they sit in the refrigerator for months, but at the time it was a godsend.
All the Mom Guilt says
My one and three year old are both in a music class that’s having a spring concert tomorrow afternoon. It’s been on my calendar – including work calendar – forever, but I had a big meeting scheduled over it. Tried to get big boss’s assistant to move meeting but no luck.
Basically, allll the mom guilt right now. Any other day I’d be able to make this concert, but not tomorrow…
Also, I know it’s ridiculous they have a concert. They have to wear certain outfits and everything, but the woman who runs music class takes her job very seriously!
FVNC says
The lack of calendar respect drives me nuts! My second line manager’s assistant routinely ignores my calendar when scheduling meetings, even when the meeting is just the two of us. I’ve started to push back, with varying success. Sorry you have to miss the concert!
Anonymous says
Gently (and I know people will still jump all over this), I would probably just say I’m not available and go to the concert. But I’ve learned from this board that I apparently have this unicorn job where my boss and coworkers actually respect me and my time. So, honestly, it is highly unlikely this would have happened to begin with. My husband is in a position where meetings are just added to his calendar regularly, but if he has a conflict, then he has a conflict.
Marilla says
Yep, my manager and senior management would be totally OK with me declining the meeting in favour of the concert, unless it was a truly huge meeting with external stakeholders where I play a pretty big role. (We have those about every 2 months and those are 11 hour days for me, leave the house before kid wakes up and get home just in time for bedtime.) In that case I’d get my husband to go to the concert – he normally skips them because he has more anxiety about missing work time than I do. But I do have a manager who clearly tells people he’s taking a morning off for hid kid’s science fair and days he needs to leave early for pick-up, so I realize that may not fly in all offices (although it should).
OP says
Ugh, yeah, I think ordinarily I could, but this is a meeting where I really want to stay the owner of the legal-side of the work. I’m literally going to be saying nothing, but I want to show up for that reason, so I’m the person they all remember is assigned and covering this work flow (and it’s my favorite project).
But it stinks, and I needed to vent. Thank you all. And next time, for another meeting, I am totally just going to tell them all I’m leaving and why and go for it! I just wish there were more opportunities to make it up.
I do think we’re going to do a big viewing of the video at home, so my kids my like that even more than if I attended… I hope.
Rainbow Hair says
UGH I hate this kind of thing. It comes up for me not infrequently where I technically *could* skip The Thing but because of my own career goals/reputation/whatever I choose not to, and then I feel like I’ve *chosen* to miss Whatever, and blah it’s the worst. Mom guilt is such a strong thing.
Marilla says
I definitely get that :( That does stink and I hope you enjoy the viewing at home!
lawsuited says
I’m not sure what field you’re in, but I’m a litigator so my practice has ebbs and flows. I take full advantage of the ebbs to leave work to pick up LO from daycare early, take a day off to spend his birthday with him, and volunteer for the paed visits and daycare events. I am working to accept that in the flows I miss a lot, including some of the most important stuff. I think it’s a sustained pattern of care and effort that matters, rather than attending any one concert in particular, so don’t let one meeting/concert overshadow all the other big and small efforts you make to show them how much you love them.
OP says
Thanks for this and for the understanding from others. It’s totally true – I’m in house and took this role to have more time with them, but it does give me less flexibility! All in all, it’s a win.
And Rainbow Hair you were right, the most annoying part is that I’m kind of consciously having to choose work in this instance. Maybe I’ll just take that as empowering. Hopefully it goes well!
This community remains the best.
OP says
One year old is two next month – I realize one year old would be sort of crazy. At two he bangs a drum and sings along :)
PregAnon says
Ugh. I’m pregnant and getting over 2 weeks of a terrible sinus infection/bronchitis. On the subway this morning, I was coughing a bit, and the man sitting next to me called me “disgusting.” Some other man then chimed in that I’m pregnant and “need to take better care of myself.” Hello, I’m on antibiotics and not contagious. Of course I started balling my eyes out, like uncontrollably weeping, over stupid jerks. Pregnancy hormones are the worst. Can I go home now??
Anonymous says
Oh wow, I would have murdered those guys. That is one million percent on them, and nothing on you. Too bad their parents didn’t teach them to be respectful human beings. Your kid’s going to have a big leg up on them. Hugs.
Anon in NYC says
WHAT. I am outraged on your behalf! I’m so sorry.
AwayEmily says
This is so, so terrible. I’m really, really sorry and I hope they felt incredibly guilty when you started crying. I’m tearing up just thinking about it. Getting chastised by strangers is already traumatic enough, but criticizing you for BEING SICK? What a bunch of dick monsters.
Mrs. Jones says
F those guys on your behalf. I hope you feel better soon.
Anonymous says
Omg those people are terrible! I would have slapped them. I had NO immune system while pregnant and was sick every other week.
Anonymous says
That’s terrible! I hope your sobbing made them feel bad.
Outraged on your behalf says
Too bad their mothers didn’t teach them better manners.
anon says
I know this may be tongue-in-cheek, but just wanted to gently point out that a knee-jerk response to blame bad behavior on women not teaching them manners is problematic.
Anonymous says
Yes. Too bad their PARENTS didn’t teach them better manners.
Outraged on your behalf says
You’re right – I should have said parents.
AIMS says
That’s outrageous! On behalf of normal subway riders everywhere, let me apologize. If I had been on the train, I would have to told them where they could stick their unsolicited advice.
ifiknew says
This is the most HORRIBLE thing ive read in awhile. I am so sorry you are sick. So many hugs, I hope you feel better soon. You are doing so amazing, getting over the illness, going to work, growing a human. You are not disgusting in the LEAST.
Men like that are just miserable pieces of what you know. xoxoxo.
avocado says
That is indeed outrageous. I thought the rule was that you were never even supposed to make eye contact with other people on the subway, much less criticize them!
Mama Llama says
Oh wow, those a-holes really have some balls on them. May their shoes always be filled with legos. I hope the rest of your day goes better.
Anonymous says
In other pregnancy hormone news, I started crying while listening to DJ Khaled/Justin Bieber’s new song “I’m The One” on the radio. Like, because I thought it was touching. It’s a misogynistic song with the word “coochie” in it. WFT pregnancy hormones.
anon says
Does anyone here have any experience with sciatica and things that help it? I had some during pregnancy but now I keep having flare ups that are so much worse – like can’t get out of bed or stand up pain. It’s really painful and of course pretty inconvenient with having a toddler.
Moms Solo says
I have self-diagnosed sciatica flare ups following pregnancy where it hurts to stand up straight. The one time I’ve had a deep tissue massage I felt SOOOO much better for a period of time. I’ve been working on core strength too which seems to help a little. I feel better when I don’t wear high heels, and running definitely aggravates it, so I’ve been trying (begrudgingly) to use a rowing machine in place of runs more.
lsw says
YES. This is me. I am really, really trying to not have to do PT, so here is what I have done that helped:
-bought a yoga mat for the office, and every day I am doing some stretches that release my lower back
-lost a little weight (this may not be your situation, but I was/am carrying extra weight in my stomach that I knew was causing more stress on my core)
-attempting some core strengthening exercises
-getting up and walking every so often at my desk job
-chiropractor and massage
NewMomAnon says
Why are you trying so hard to avoid PT? It seems like you’re willing to make appointments with a chiro and masseuse, so it doesn’t seem to be a time or convenience issue…I ask because I’ve seen some super disastrous surgeries that could have been avoided if the person had sought real medical attention, including PT, earlier.
lsw says
I just stopped doing PT some foot and ankle issues, and I really struggled with making time for it. I went for 6 weeks twice a week, an hour plus 15 minutes commute there and back. The chiro and massage were a bit easier (chiro is a super fast visit at less than 15 m, and I only did about 4 visits) and massage was only a few times (had a gift card, too, so it was free). I just felt like I couldn’t add One More Thing, though I am considering doing the PT if it doesn’t continue to improve. I am definitely a bit proponent of PT just couldn’t handle the scheduling and co-pay right now!
Edna Mazur says
Physical therapy. Had it during pregnancy and this cleared it up completely and quite quickly. Couldn’t recommend enough.
marriageadvice says
We had our first baby a year ago. We’ve been together since we were kids and have really tried to learn how to communicate etc.
Having the baby has been so hard on our marriage though. It sounds so cliche. My husband says he doesn’t have any big complaints, but he’ll make jokes about how he doesn’t believe we have s** atleast once a week. When he’s pushed, it also comes out that he feels like I push him away when he tries to hug me etc. I just feel so touched out and am tired/stressed by the end of the day. I try to allow him to give me hugs etc but I just need like an hour to decompress and by then, it feels like he’s no longer in the mood or busy doing other things. I feel like I am trying to be a good wife, I have sex even when I’m not super into it, because I recognize its good for me/our relationship. I try to communicate what I want/need in a way that doesn’t involve yelling or screaming.
I have weekly date nights for us at home after our daughter goes to bed and we go out once a month. He just says he hates how everything has to be so scheduled and that after 9 pm, i’m tired.
I feel like I want him to use his words to tell me more often how much he loves and appreciates me that he’s more reserved and just not in his nature do that. He wants to have just non-s**ual intimacy even and I’m trying, but it feels like it’s not enough for him.
I just hate this crazy irrational fear that he’s going to leave me. He has NEVER indicated in any way that he would, but I don’t know. I also feel really emotional a lot, it’s hard for me to take things in stride these days.
I’ve read how not to hate your husband after kids, but maybe I need to reread it, because all of our issues seem like everyone else’s. I don’t even know what I need / should do to be in a happier spot with myself and our marriage.
Anonymous says
I get it. Totally been there. I don’t know if I have real advice, but I will tell you that after our daughter was 24-27 months, things got significantly better. I felt much more like me and we fell into a much better routine.
Maybe I do have one piece of advice – if you’re not exercising, try hard to fit it in. I get that it is so hard. But it will help in a lot of ways.
mascot says
Sometimes you have to acknowledge that the stage you are in is a hard one and not let it drown you into thinking that your marriage/life is somehow broken forever. Having a baby is hard on a marriage. It’s not cliché- it’s true. Give yourself permission to feel that. It’s okay to be sad that everything is scheduled- try not to take it as a personal attack that he somehow doesn’t like you or your marriage.
I had some PPA/PPD that got diagnosed on the later side. Short term medication and some talk therapy made a big difference in giving me some coping skills. Maybe a few sessions of individual or couples counseling would help you both.
rosie says
I hear you on feeling “touched out.” This morning I was trying to get breakfast for me & our toddler while she was hugging my legs. Then, we went upstairs so I could get dressed and my husband was lying across the bed and started touching my legs (just to have physical connection, nothing s**y) and I was like OMG NO MORE LEG TOUCHING (although verbalized it more calmly).
Some things that help us, I think: I can tell him that it’s not about him & he take me at my word; I tell him that jokes about something I’m sensitive about can sting, even though I know they’re jokes; I tell him I appreciate things he does & he does the same. One thing I told him recently is that I appreciate that we are getting into the habit of thanking each other for small things (or things that are our designated tasks to do) because it models gratitude for our kid, who is a little young probably to pick up on it but doesn’t hurt to get in the habit. Maybe talking about it like that could help?
Anonymous says
Hugs! Seconding that you are not alone! I think many, many, many women (and couples — I just don’t think men talk about it) struggle with this. I certainly after 4.5 years of motherhood still feel tired and not in the mood after 9 pm.
Would it be possible, instead of having date night out, have a sitter take kiddo out of the house for a couple hours on a weekend morning/afternoon so you can have some alone time with your husband when you are not feeling so exhausted?
Anon says
My husband was very fatalistic during the baby phase when I didn’t want to be touched. He was convinced that we’d never have normal relations again. It was especially bad around 1 year out when he thought that I should be back to normal…except I wasn’t. Not even close. I hated to be touched and anything more hurt. I weaned a few months later, the baby started sleeping, and by 18 months we were in a better place. By 2 years out we were great. Not back to pre-baby, but we were both happy. The second go around he was much more relaxed because he knew things just took a long time to normalize. Hang in there and tell your husband to hang in there. It just takes a loooooong time. Hormones are insane.
Anonymous says
This time is hard. I’m right there with you. Given 9 months of constant all-day sickness, a colicky 10 month old baby who still has gas issues and still barely naps or sleeps (although down to 1 wakeup from 2-3:30 the past entire week and only 2 nights of co-sleeping – I feel amazing), we are lucky to do it once a month (or every other) or so, and it’s been that way since I got pregnant. My child is also a stage-5 clinger the minute I come into her line of sight, so I hear you on the touched-out. I think it “helps” that my husband is just as exhausted as I am, so there isn’t a whole lot of extra demand on that side either. We try to make it a priority to thank each other for the little things as was mentioned above. I’ve been told hormones are a lot of this (and with BFing, at least for me, takes a not insignificant amount of fun out of the game, because right now that is just a no-go zone for me). Things you might consider – if you feel at all not touched out, initiate the touching (of any variety) – this may help ameliorate the sting when you are touched out. We’ve given up trying to do it at night because we are both too tired. The occasional weekend nap time is our sweet spot. If you can swing it and have help you trust, a weekend away, just the two of you, may work wonders, and I would reserve the first night just for getting some sound sleep. Make sure you aren’t skimping on the things that make you feel good, attractive, pretty, etc. This may include exercise for you (it does not for me). Pre-baby, cutting my hair was an afterthought and I did all my own nails. Now I book my salon appointments every 3 months, I get a monthly pedicure, and these things help me focus on me, as a person, and not just as a lawyer, mother, wife, caregiver, etc.
NewMomAnon says
Get him a copy of “Come As You Are.” Insist he has to read it before he even mentions s&x again in your household.
Also – please tell him that these things scare you, even if you know the fear is irrational. He might think this is lighthearted and that you’re in on the joke, and not realize that it’s actually deeply scary to you. A guy who loves you will want to protect you from that. And talk therapy is immensely helpful, even if you don’t think you have PPD/PPA.
consultant's wife says
+1 to all of this
Wish I had advice. Just commenting to let you know you’re not alone!
consultant's wife says
whoops, this was meant as a reply to marriageadvice
Anonymous says
You guys are all SO AMAZING. Thank you so so much. I’m 28, so on the younger side for having a baby in our circles and have very few mom friends, so I’m feeling teary about how a bunch of strangers have such kind, helpful advice.
I plan to try a lot of what you guys have mentioned and share this with my husband too.
CapHillAnon says
For pull-down nursing top:
I adore the luxe nursing top from UdderlyHot Mama (cringey name, but the shirt is fantastic!). Good design, somehow manages to be flattering, and wears like iron. I just bought my third one. It’s a little pricey )maybe $40?), but there are frequent sales, and the short is worth it anyway.
Anon says
Fun activities for a group of approximately 10 two year-olds? Suggestions for indoor and outdoor activities are appreciated!
Anonymous says
is it a birthday party? we went to a 2 year old party at Little Gym (a chain) which was very well organized and the kids seemed to love it. The workers knew their audience and clearly did the 2 hour spiel on a regular basis so it was great. I think doing something less structured might not be so successful with a large group at that young age…. like i wouldn’t say “go to a park” or “go to the beach” because at that age they really don’t play together- they most play parallel to each other….
OP says
Unfortunately the party will be at our house as hosting at one of those locations is out of our budget…Totally agree that we need some structure!
Mama Llama says
If you’d like to keep it low key, with 2 year olds you can just find an outdoor space, give them a ton of bubbles (bonus for a bubble machine), sidewalk chalk, balls, and maybe a pop-up tunnel or two and let them go nuts.
OP says
Love these ideas and if the weather is nice out, we can pull off the bubble machine and hanging out in our very small backyard. I’m a little concerned that we can’t rely on the weather being nice and I want to have a “rainy day” back up plan!
Rainbow Hair says
Bubble machine is the best $9 I’ve spent in a WHILE.
anon says
For my 2 yo’s birthday party, I got a blow up kiddie pool and filled it with two containers of water beads. It was a big hit.
A couple of years ago we splurged on a bounce house on Amazon and a bunch of giant beach balls. We’ve used the bounce house for 4 parties now. It’s always a hit and a savings over renting a bounce house. We also pull it out on random weekend afternoons when the kids want something to do.
Anon says
You can do parallel play while they all do the same activity to make it feel more “together”.
Do you have a garage? Have a “painting party” where you drape the walls in tarps. Those rolls of paper are like $5 at Ikea so you could have a strip going all around the walls or tape it to the floor. Give them a bunch of washable paints and let them go to town. (Tell everyone to wear clothes that can get paint on them.)
If you have to be inside and have non-carpet floors, you can tape the paper rolls to the floor and give them washable markers and let them go to town. (Washable markers wipe off our hard wood floor with just a wet paper towel.) There’s something about coloring on a HUGE sheet of paper that makes every kid happy. You could also cut a kid-sized piece for each kid, trace their bodies, and then let them color themselves. Get a bunch of foam stickers to let them add to their masterpieces.
If you have carpet or don’t want to do the painting/coloring, you could use rolls of blue painters tape to make car tracks all over your floors (with some “wacky” turns on the side of a couch or up the wall) and have a racecar party.
You could also find big diaper boxes (or collect from friends or stores, or just order a bunch of stuff from Amazon). Have the kids color their boxes along a theme – a car. A spaceship for a space theme. A boat for a water theme. A secret hideout for a superhero theme. A castle for a princess theme. Etc. If you’re okay with screens, you could then have a drive-in theater where they get to sit in their vehicles/houses and eat popcorn and gummy worms while watching the movie.
Mama Llama says
These are all great ideas.
anon says
Honestly, you don’t need to have a planned activity. The kids will love playing with your kid’s toys. Just make sure there is plenty of food and valuables/breakables are put away.
anonanon says
If you are still reading – look at Busy Toddler on instagram. She has super fun, inexpensive, easy to set up ideas. Her mud pit and wash the toy (truck, dinosaur, animals, whatever) is great, as is the ice bin with pouring toys.
For indoors, we’ve just moved all furniture to the sides of the room and have had luck sticking to one theme of indoor toy – like all trains, all musical instruments, etc.
OP says
Still reading, thank you to everyone!! These are all such great ideas and points! You guys are the best :)
KateMiddletown says
On bras – I need a few sports bras to accomodate my preg bo0b$. Any recommendations for cheap (like target price) sportsbras that come in FF/G+++ sizing?
lsw says
I’m not sure how cheap is cheap, but I found some high quality sports bras for larger sizes from Nordstrom Rack online. I went with sister sizes on a few and that helped widen the range of what was available.
Anon says
I read this and just laughed. Sorry. As a non-pregnant H (and pregnant I was up in the I and J range), all I can say is good luck in finding any sort of target-price bra in that size range that fits and feels good. My sister (a 30G) can fit in (and loves) the Brooks Fiona 32DD size ($50), but I tried it and with a 38 band size, it was a no-go for me. I’ve worn the Nike Women’s Pro Classic ($20-30) in the XL size for light walking or yoga (frankly the extent of my exercising) and it’s been fine, but I can tell you right now it wouldn’t be comfortable for more than that.
Pogo says
+1 to Brooks Fiona, works really well for me (34DD). Not sure if they go to a G though.
Pogo says
sorry, didn’t see you wanted cheap. The Syrokan brand on ama zon offers dupes of the Brooks bras for about half the price. Works ok but I can tell it is not the same quality as the Brooks one.
Anonymous says
Yeah, I hope someone else has better ideas, because I have yet to find good inexpensive bras for large cups of any variety, particularly sports bras. I’m a cheapskate G cup wearing a wool blazer and dress I got used for under $15 each, but my bra was probably at least $50. My favorite sports bra is the Panache 5021, and sometimes sale colors are under $40. You might look at Breakoutbras.com
GCA says
I’ve had good luck with the Brooks (previously Moving Comfort, so search for that too) Fiona on sites like Sierra Trading Post! Works better if you are a rare-ish lucky sizes (very small, or very large).
Anonymous says
had the best luck with searching ebay and poshmark for 32 F & G bras because only pricey brands make real ones, and I didn’t want to / couldn’t pay full price.
Anonymous says
Just signing on for commiseration and empathy. XOXO, a 36JJ while nursing
Beach ideas? says
Hi all, we are going on a family beach trip in a couple of weeks—any ideas on fun things to bring to keep 2 four-year-olds and 1 two-year-old entertained? We already have some sand toys (pail, shovels), but I’m trying to think what else would be fun for them. Maybe trucks for the sand, or a bubble machine? Any ideas appreciated!!
anon says
Get some of the big metal and wood beach shovels off of Amazon. My 4 yo loves digging holes the size of her. She digs for hours and hours.
mascot says
I got a pack of bamboo kitchen utensils at the dollar store, They float and don’t break as easily as plastic ones. You can find small garden tools too that would work. How about small soccer ball to kick around?
Oh, and PSA- encourage your kids to fill back in their holes. At least down here on the southeast coast, sea turtles can get hung up in the holes.
Anon says
Bring a small inflatable pool – fill it up with ocean water, let warm in the sun, then put under an umbrella for water play in the shade. My toddlers loved this!
Anonymous says
This is a great idea–especially if the kids are nervous about the ocean or even get tired of being pummeled by waves!
Anonymous says
Was just going to suggest this. Worked really well for friends of mine.
lsw says
OP, can I ask what your diaper plans are? We have two reusable swim diapers, but since he’ll be in and out of the water, do we….just let him pee on us? (Since I know swim diapers don’t absorb pee) Change him into a non-swim diaper? (that seems unsustainable)
Curious how you are handling this, since I have no idea.
In House Lobbyist says
I just got back from the beach. I bought these little glass bottles with cork lids on Amazon. My 4 year filled them all up with sand and little tiny shells and we brought them home for her school friends. I think there was 24 bottles for $6 or so.
weaning says
How do I wean my 12 month old? We’re down to 1 feed a day. I can go about 2 days before My ducts feel clogged, no pain but just a bit heavy. I then go back to pump or nurse a little but I know this is silly. How do I stop entirely?
Anonymous says
Given that there’s no pain, I’d just stop pumping or nursing and stay the course. If you’re uncomfortable, you can take sudafed to reduce your supply. Or you can do a firm massage in a warm shower – that may express some milk and relieve some discomfort but it will be less than pumping/nursing.
weaning says
This is dumb, but will my body clear those ducts on its own if i dont express it? I know the first rule of thumb in bfeeding is if you express, body will make more, but how does the body clear the milk that’s being made if its not expressed?
Obviously, my first time, so i’m clueless.
Anonymous says
Do you have clogged ducts or just engorgement? You have to try to clear a clogged duct, but if it’s only engorgement then I think you should pump or hand express just enough to take the edge off of your discomfort and then slowly whittle down that time. So, no 10 minute pumping sessions. More like 2 minutes. I’m definitely not an expert on this but you could check Kelly Mom too.
ElisaR says
yes. the milk will eventually go away if not expressed.
lawsuited says
Yes, your body will reabsorb the fluid or some such thing. If your boobs are full (but not painful), leave them. If you have a painful blocked duct, then massage/express enough to unblock that duct only.
I went from 1 feed per day to cold turkey. I had massive knockers for about 5 days and then they started going back to normal.
Lily says
JCrew promotions are giving me a whiplash! I bought a whole bunch of items at 25% off and within two days, they have even better offer of 30% off with additional 20% off! What have you done in this type of situation?
Anonymous says
contact them and ask them to apply the discount. The worst they can say is no. And, FWIW, sometimes when they do say no, I’ll just buy the new items at the better discount and return the ones with the less-good discount.
Anonymous says
Thanks for the tip! I just called and got a price adjustment. They told me it has to be within 7 days of the order.
Anonymous says
I have another annoyed-at-my-husband question… I recently went back to work after a 12 week mat leave (the most I could take without losing my job). My husband has a whole year of paternity leave and is now at home full-time with our daughter. I know we’re lucky to have her home with a parent for so long, but he has been making a lot of snarky and passive-aggressive comments to me about how he’s doing all the parenting. He says things like “if I could breastfeed her, I’d be doing everything” and this morning as I was rushing out the door to work he said “oh there goes Mayzie off to Palm Beach” (a reference to the lazy bird who abandons her egg and leaves Horton the elephant in charge, for those who are not up on their Dr Seuss). Wtf… I’m going to WORK, not on vacation or out with my friends and I’m certainly not abandoning my kid. I already feel pretty guilty about going back to work so soon and this is really not helping! It’s true that I don’t spend a whole lot of weekday time with my daughter except when she’s breastfeeding but she still nurses for 2-3 hours total in the mornings and evenings and I work/commute for 9 hours and she sleeps for 11-12 so it doesn’t leave a lot of time for awake play time. And those 2-3 hours of nursing give my husband quite a bit of time to himself (he does usually make us both dinner, but that doesn’t take more than an hour total). I play with her all day on weekends and give my husband Saturday afternoons “off.” Tthe rest of the time we’re pretty much all together. He did something similar during my maternity leave, fwiw.
I have told him how much these comments hurt my feelings and he apologizes and says he’ll work on not doing it again, but then he does. And I feel like it’s one thing to “work on” remembering to pick up your dirty socks, but you shouldn’t have to work on not calling your wife a bad parent. I honestly can’t recall him ever saying anything positive about my parenting, except in the context of apologizing for the mean comments.
Him taking extended leave was something we both agreed on before the baby was born and he was (and claims he still is) enthusiastic about it. Money is not an issue and I’ve suggested getting a baby sitter for 10 hours per week or so to give him some relief (even though I managed fine alone during my leave) but he says he’s fine and he doesn’t mind doing everything. He just enjoys being a martyr about it, I guess. I’m not sure how I’m going to survive a whole year of this and am worried our marriage will be irreparably damaged by the end of it.
Advice? Commiseration? My mom and best friends all act like he’s a saint for taking this long leave and aren’t really here for my complaints. I would love to be home with my daughter for a whole year, but that’s not an option for me without leaving the workforce, which I really don’t want to do (especially now that our marriage feels shakier than it ever has). Whew, sorry for the novel…
Anonymous says
Your husband is being a total jerk. Can you try a super direct conversation with him about how his actions are making you feel? Did he work during your mat leave or was he also home then? I would flat out tell him that this is not working and if he continues to be a jerk, then he needs to go back to work too and you need to get a nanny or daycare that won’t shame you for working (which SOMEONE needs to do!).
Mama Llama says
Wow, this is totally unacceptable. He is undermining you as a person and a parent. I would have a come to Jesus talk with him about what this is really about – does he think you really shouldn’t go to work in the morning? Does he deep down resent staying home? Does he feel that your division of labor is unfair? What else could be going on that is motivating these remarks? If you can’t get to the bottom of it and resolve the issue, then try counseling. By the way, it’s nice of you to give him Saturday afternoons “off.” When do you get time off without work or childcare responsibilities?
Anonymous says
Yes to all of this. OP, massive hugs. I’m sorry your husband is being a jerk about an arrangement which you mutually agreed on, and where it’s clear you literally cannot stay home longer without leaving your current job. There is definitely something else going on – he resents or is depressed / bored by staying home, or he feels like something is lacking in your relationship, or…something.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Agree. This is completely unacceptable, OP, I’m sorry you have to deal with this. The last person who should make you feel guilty is the person who is supposed to be your partner and confidante. This is NOT normal husband/new parent behavior. My husband has intentionally said hurtful things to me before (and vice versa) but once we made it clear that certain words are hurtful, it never happened again. He’s not treating you with respect, and deep down, you have to know that these words are coming from a place of his own insecurities. It may take a counselor to unpack where this is coming from, if he’s not willing to share them with just you.
NewMomAnon says
First off, he’s out of line, and that’s a problem. You need to internalize that so you don’t feel guilty.
Having said that, is it possible that he is a person who needs verbal confirmation that he is appreciated? And is it possible that he is fishing (badly) for compliments? If remembering to thank or compliment him once a day (or however often) makes your relationship easier….that seems like an easy fix. If that’s the case, then your insecurity is probably inadvertently making his insecurity worse.
Hugs. I hope this gets better for you. Try to find some time to be with him, alone, and have a conversation about what is driving him to make these comments.
Anonymous says
If the roles were reversed, there is NO ONE who would put up with a SAHM saying that to her working spouse. I’d sit him down the next time he makes one of those comments, absolutely stop what you’re doing (rushing out to work, presumably), and tell him 1- this is an unacceptable way to treat your PARTNER; 2- he needs to go back to work ASAP and you need to find a different arrangement for caring for your child, because clearly this is not working for him. I mean, or you could wait 6 months and just get a divorce because of how much you hate each other. TELL HIM that’s the other option, because his comments are indicative of how much he resents you and are causing you to resent him. Wow I am so angry on your behalf. This is NOT OK.
Anon in NYC says
Your husband is not being a saint. He’s being a jerk, inconsiderate, and incredibly hurtful. It sounds like he has some issues he needs to work out, whether he’s got some resentment towards you, or previously-unrealized gender roles issues surfacing, etc. Or, maybe he’s just a little bored and lonely at home with a 3 month old and taking it out on you? Have you told him directly that he’s being a martyr?
What do you mean he did something similar during your maternity leave? He made references to you being lazy or abandoning your child if you left the house?
OP says
Oh no, what I meant by “he did something similar” was that he gave me some weekend time off from the baby when I was on maternity leave, just as I do for him now. He did make similar comments sometimes though, especially during the first month when the baby was only sleeping in 2-3 hour stretches and we were all exhausted. Things got somewhat better once I was physically recovered and the baby was sleeping longer stretches at night and I could babywear more easily and function without mid-day naps. Truthfully I’m not sure if he’s really saying stuff like this more now or if it just bothers me more because of working mom guilt. When I was on maternity leave I knew I was doing a *ton* of childcare and it was easier to let this stuff roll off my back.
Anon in NYC says
Setting aside whether or not your husband has some internal issues right now, I think you need to address this issue with him again much more directly.
Just to relay a similar anecdote: My husband and I almost never argue, and we try really hard not to be rude to one another. After we had a kid, my husband started telling me to “calm down” in this really condescending tone, like he thought that I was being irrational or getting too worked up about….. whatever. These were not times where I was stressed or freaking out about something, and he wasn’t trying to be reassuring so it sort of felt like an attack. It started out of the blue, and he had never before said anything like it. He only did it periodically, so the first few times I let it roll off my back (even though I was annoyed by his tone). Until he said it and I just couldn’t take it anymore, and I told him that I thought he was being demeaning and condescending, and that he was telling me to “calm down” in a tone that he used with the dog when she barked too much. He hasn’t done it since.
All that to say, parenting is hard. The first few sleep deprived months are hard. He may not really fully realize how hurtful and cutting his remarks are. But that’s not the point. He has to stop them, now. And if his comments are coming from unhappiness, then he needs to work that out but not take it out on you.
mascot says
Yeah, I think you need to lay out explicitly that he is allowed to complain about how hard it is staying home with a kid and you are allowed to complain how hard it is to be at work because that is all true and you’ve both been there. Both of you may be jealous of the other one’s life sometimes. But, what he isn’t allowed to do is turn it into some sort of contest about who has it harder. This isn’t the time for scorekeeping. Both of you are giving everything you’ve got.
And, at some point if this arrangement stops working for your family, then he can say that and you can figure out where to go from there.
Anonymous says
wow maybe it’s just post-partum me, but I literally teared up reading his “Palm Beach” comment. That’s very hurtful and he can’t possibly understand how much that hurts a working mom. I’m so sorry, men just don’t get it. I’m so impressed you didn’t smack him. He’s obviously a little bitter about being home, I think you had to have a serious talk about how his words make you feel – I know you already did but obviously he’s not fully appreciating how his comments can affect you (and it’s not just you I think most women would be hurt by this)
Anonymous says
Yea your husband needs a major attitude adjustment. You’ve told him this hurts you and that you are already sad you can’t take more leave and yet he continues to guilt trip you. Not acceptable (and really mean!). I agree you give him the option of either shaping up immediately or going back to work and getting a nanny/daycare for your child care during work hours. I’m sorry that you have to deal with this on top of the emotions of going back to work! Internet hugs!!
CPA Lady says
Agree 100%. He is being cruel and awful and something in this situation needs to change immediately.
Sometimes one partner being financially dependent on the other doesn’t work. My husband and I both have been financially dependent on the other and it was the worst time in our marriage. It was awful and we didn’t even have a kid. Things vastly and immediately improved when we both had full time jobs. There is so much that is tied up in this situation. Money is power. Employment is power.
Also, FWIW, a childcare arrangement like this is not “best for the child” when it means that mom and dad blow up their marriage over it.
Anonymous says
+1. His treatment of you is absolutely unacceptable and a change needs to be made. Everyone in the family, including baby, will be better off when both parents are satisfied with the child care situation and treating each other with love and respect.
Staying home full-time with an infant is HARD and not everyone is cut out to do it. I wasn’t. I had planned to take a year of maternity leave, and when I admitted defeat and went back to work part-time after 4.5 months, everything got so much better. Since money is not an issue, perhaps it would be easier for everyone if your husband went back to work and you hired a nanny or sent baby to day care.
lawsuited says
So, I totally understand the responses saying he’s a jerk and way out of line, etc. He is and he is.
But I was actually in the same situation, and so perhaps my take is a bit more nuanced. I went back to work when my LO was 12 weeks, and my husband stayed at home for the next 9 months. My husband really struggled in the beginning. He didn’t know all the habits our LO had already developed in the 12 weeks he was with me, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him. He didn’t have “dad friends” he could text or call to asked panicked questions about poop consistency or colick, and I usually couldn’t take those texts or calls at work. There weren’t any “daddy and baby” activities (he was actually turned away from a “mommy and baby” group) for him to meet other stay-at-home parents and vent and troubleshoot those feeling of loneliness. He also got a lot of feedback everywhere he went that he was going “above and beyond!” and “where is the baby’s mother?” so those concepts started to drop into his conversations with me even though we had previously been really happy with our childcare plan.
My point is, it’s hard to be a stay-at-home parent, and it can be hard in unexpected ways for a dad. My husband and I got through it with a lot of assuming good intentions and kind communication with each other. For example, if he had made the Mayzie comment, I would have frowned and said, “hey, you know that hurts”. If I wanted to work late and texted him saying so, he’d sometimes say, “can it please be tomorow instead, naps have been terrible today and I can’t handle bedtime alone.” and I’d believe him and reschedule. It took time to adjust (I only realized about the “where’s the baby’s mother?” type comments when I overheard one one day, asked about it and he told me he heard that probably every time he left the house with LO) and he hit his stride after about 2 months.
Anon says
My husband has been at home with our daughter for 5 months now, and I probably could have written this response as well. Being a SAHD, particularly in our area where there are either two-parent-working or SAHM only, is really tough and it can get in their heads. Doesn’t excuse the OP’s husband’s behavior, but may help understand where some of it is coming from.