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All right, ladies, let’s discuss: yea or nay for maxi dresses as workwear when you’re pregnant? Here are the pros, as I see them: All pregnant women look amazing in maxi dresses, and they can be a very easy solution to other things that may bother you while pregnant, such as feeling sensitive about leg veins or giving a great big NOPE to wearing heels while pregnant. The cons: Well, they’re maxi dresses, which make many people think of the beach. Like so many things, I think this comes down to your office — I wore a long maxi dress similar to this to my business-casual nonprofit-law job back in my first pregnancy, but I tried to layer it with a cardigan, shrunken blazer, and professional jewelry. Even then it was only for casual days in my casual office. I like that this one has a modesty panel for easy nursing, as well — and it’s only $98, available in black and navy. (Try it with a shrug like this one if proportions feel off when you try to layer.) Nom Maternity Jersey Maternity/Nursing Dress
Psst: Today is the start of Nordstrom’s “Personal 10 Points Day” offer. From now through 6/19, you can choose one day to earn 10 points per dollar (instead of 2 per dollar) with your Nordstrom card at Nordstrom and Nordstrom Rack — in stores or online. (To use at Nordstrom.com, just select your preferred date in Checkout.) Some suggestions on what to check out from the Workwear Hall of Fame: this $150 blazer, this dress marked to $65, these $98 pumps, these $99 pumps, these $85 wedges, and this $150 tote bag.
Building a maternity wardrobe for work? Check out our page with more suggestions along both classic and trendy/seasonal lines.
(L-all)
Sales of note for 9.10.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
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- Boden – 15% off new styles
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- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Extra 40% off sale styles
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- Zappos – 26,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Birthday sale, 40-50% off & extra 20% off select styles
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off all baby; up to 40% off all Halloween
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Extra 30% off sale styles
- Old Navy – 40% off everything
- Target – BOGO 25% off select haircare, up to 25% off floor care items; up to 30% off indoor furniture up to 20% off TVs
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- The concept of “backup care” is so stupid…
- I need tips on managing employees in BigLaw who have to leave for daycare pickup…
- I’m thinking of leaning out to spend more time with my family – how can I find the perfect job for that?
- I’m now a SAHM and my husband needs to step up…
- How can I change my thinking to better recognize some of my husband’s contributions as important, like organizing the shed?
- What are your tips to having a good weekend with kids, especially with little kids? Do you have a set routine or plan?
CPA Lady says
I think you can “get away” with a lot of things when you are pregnant, but for what it’s worth, maxi dresses were among several specific clothing items banned entirely on casual Friday at the public accounting firm I worked at. This was a business casual firm where the only time people (other than partners) wore suits was when seeing clients.
MDMom says
Really? What else was banned, out of curiosity?
I’ve seen pregnant ladies wear maxi dresses with blazers to court (state trial court). It’s fine. This is part of the leeway you get while pregnant, in my opinion.
CPA Lady says
Leggings and I forget what else. I think it was mostly directed against one staff member whom one of the partners hated. But instead of having a direct conversation with her, a blanket edict was put out to all the female staff. Of course, what we were really all missing was the one accessory that made dressing for success possible there: a y chromosome.
Pogo says
Sheesh, that’s harsh. I know maxi dresses are actually a common style for women who like to dress more modestly (i.e., hijabi). Obviously in an office you’re going to nix the cleavage and probably cover your arms… which then I don’t see how a maxi dress isn’t OK for a casual day.
But it sounds like as you say there was a woman who probably dressed very “trendy” and borderline, and instead of talking to her they took it all out on you.
Anonymous says
I want to go back in time and represent you in a sex discrimination lawsuit.
MDMom says
Yea that’s why I asked- I suspected only women’s clothing was of concern.
There’s just such a wide range of “maxi dresses.” I don’t see how banning a long hemline is remotely appropriate.
hoola hoopa says
In fairness, do any of your male colleagues come to work in knit pants? Would you consider that appropriate workplace attire?
I do hear you on the pain of having a dress code designed for a handful of individuals, though. I used to work for a company with code so clearly specific that it would have been funny if I hadn’t needed to pay attention to it.
Anon says
I wore maxi dresses to work all the time while I was pregnant (and before I got pregnant), but my office has a casual dress code. Not sure I would wear them in a business casual office. To me, maxi dresses are the definition of casual.
hoola hoopa says
Agreed. While a maxi dress is fine in my office (which is so casual that shorts and slippers are also commonplace), I would not consider them appropriate for even Business Casual code.
But for pregnancy: Go for it. Accessorize appropriately for your position and office, but it’s definitely a place that I feel you can play the ‘11 months pregnant and nothing else fits’ card. Just make sure cleavage, undergarments, sleeves, etc are appropriate.
AIMS says
I didn’t wear them, probably could have on Fridays, but I’d say if you’re going to do it, better to pair with a long blazer and maybe a long necklace for a more intentional, fashionable look than a shrug which just says “I’m wearing a maxi dress but I either hate my arms or am cold” (at least to me).
Philanthropy Girl says
My office dress code is very fluid – technically we’re business casual, but women dress much more casually than that. I did wear maxi dresses a few times (after seeing more senior women do the same), but we do have a no sleeveless/tank policy, so I layered with a light cardigan. I still felt underdressed, although I really wasn’t – it was more of the casual mindset for me. Being 9 months pregnant in August, however, I just went with the maxi dress and didn’t care too much.
Anonymous says
I posted a while ago about my mother in law visiting on a work day with limited notice and telling me I was a bad mom as dishes were not done and vacuuming was not done. (Husband did not get yelled at in case anyone was wondering).
We were between maids at the time and the dishwasher had just broken. Landscaping was late and had been a no show for ten days. I will freely admit house wasn’t that great looking but it wasn’t unsafe or disgusting (had been professionally cleaned two weeks earlier). Like, I wouldn’t have been ashamed about the state of the house if someone had stopped by until I got yelled at.
Though I totally get that just not doing dishes for three days when the dishwasher breaks is not responsible. Haha…
We had been invited to visit the in laws that weekend for a important family event and I asked advice about going (not go, send husband and baby, send husband alone, no one go etc). Appreciated the advice.
Anyway, we all went (one family member was quite ill and it’s good that person got to see baby for the first and probably last time). Baby does not sleep without me so we are kind of a package deal so I had to go. Mother in law apologized twice.
It’s been a while and honestly I am still on edge about the whole thing. It’s very stressful having anyone visit now and we’ve spent a lot on improving stuff in our house and on increased help. And there is immediate stress about things… Like if my husband leaves a plate on the table instead of putting it in the dishwasher I get mad as apparently people judge me about the plate and not him. He likes to cook and that is a constant source of anger because I would rather he not cook because I just don’t want to deal with the mess on any level. (Food has never been something I’ve cared about). So we are eating out more and ordering delivery stuff which makes him unhappy because apparently cooking was one of his “joys in life”.
And there is a lot of rage as why are the dishes my problem- the husband should deal with them with the fifteen hours less a week that he works. Same goes for laundry and vacuuming and arranging people to help with housework and yard work and buying a dishwasher. Why can’t he do/arrange any of it?
Just a lot of stress, tension and anxiety about stupid things.
I feel at times like I didn’t marry an equal. Like- he is not contributing as much financially, he is not working as many hours, at best he spends as much time with the baby as me (though I arrange all babies classes, play dates, daycare and packed lunch and get up with him at night), and he does really nothing else for housework other than cook. And I feel like that is becoming a source of major resentment. Thoughts?
MDMom says
I have similar issues with my in laws at times, but never quite that bad (mine are Indian so there are some cultural issues too…Do you have anything like that going on?). I understand your frustration though about being judged more than your husband for the messiness of the house. We’ve had similar conversations. Can you just make rule that husband can cook, but only if he cleans up?
Otherwise, what about just getting comfortable with the fact that your house is gonna be a little messy and this doesn’t make you a bad mom? Your mother in law is wrong. She just is. Completely. And she is not allowed over unannounced anymore- for her own benefit, not yours. You don’t want the condition of your house to cause her undue stress. Also she is not allowed to call you a bad mom in front of your kids or she won’t be welcome at all. I hope she’s been told this already. I know it sounds harsh but this kind of judgemental crap needs to be shut down unequivocally. Stop defending yourself re the maids etc. She is wrong, not you. (I know she struck a nerve probably and you feel guilty/defensive about it, but don’t. Just don’t.).
Anons says
Would he respond if you sent him this link (or maybe print it out)? If it was me, I would give it to my husband, tell him a few specific things I have been frustrated with, tell him I’m not thinking of divorce, but I understand where the wife was coming from (link below):
http://huffpost.com/us/entry/9055288.html
Meg Murry says
Do you really think other people judge you about your dishes, or are you still reeling from your MIL’s terrible comments? Because that was a really awful thing she said, and I don’t blame you for still being tender from that – I’m glad she apologized, but really, no one should use the words “terrible mother” so casually.
I hear you on feeling like people will only be judging *you* and not your and husband on the state of your house. My husband works far less than I do and handles the majority of the household chores, but I still feel ashamed if people come over and my house isn’t clean.
However, can you just learn to own it, or find a way to hide it? Not going to lie, we’ve definitely scrambled and thrown dirty dishes into the freezer, oven, and top shelf of the pantry when we had to clean up really fast. If someone can’t understand “please excuse the mess, the dishwasher broke 3 days ago” – well that person is a jerk.
pockets says
I have a few thoughts:
1. You are doing this to yourself. You are letting your MIL’s criticism get to you by spending a lot on house stuff and increased help. Why? So she thinks your house is disgusting, why does that bother you? I’m sure my MIL thinks my house is disgusting, because I have other things to do that are more important than cleaning. Like watching TV and relaxing (those are two separate activities). My husband (and I’m sure yours) did not marry me because of my superior cleaning skills.
2. That said, your husband is your partner and should be trying to make your life easier, not harder. If it makes you anxious to have a dirty home, he should be helping you clean and/or manage the anxiety, not just ignoring the problem.
3. Give your husband tasks. From now on he’s in charge of arranging lunch for your child, without asking you a million questions (I have to leave the kitchen and sit in the bedroom with the door closed when my husband makes our daughter’s lunch or else it’s just a barrage of questions that defeats the purpose of having him do a chore). Tell him to buy a dishwasher and let the dishes pile up in the sink if the dishwasher breaks and there’s no replacement (I think not doing dishes for 3 days is fine, eat off plastic dishes if necessary). Give him the number of the lawn people and now it’s his job to get them to show up. So you have weeds or overgrown grass for a few weeks, you’ll survive (yardwork is probably the one think that people will default judge the man for). Give him jobs and if he doesn’t do them, shrug and move on.
3. Honest question – if he works 15 hrs per week less and doesn’t spend that time on childcare, what is he doing? I work substantially fewer hours than my husband but I spend all that extra time watching our daughter, so I don’t feel like the household chores should fall exclusively on me (I do more but not all – maybe like 60%). I’m honestly curious as to what he’s doing.
Anon in NYC says
100% agreed with all of this. It sounds like you’re really internalizing this criticism from your MIL (which I get – it’s really horrible that she went from “the house is messy” to “terrible mom”), but you have to take some steps to manage your emotional fallout from that. For starters, I’d talk to your husband about how her comments are still making you feel badly and perhaps come up with ideas for managing your anxiety about it.
And I agree about giving your husband tasks and certain things that will be “his” chores. If he grew up in a household where his mom did most things, he may not really realize what things need to get done or where to just take the initiative.
OP says
He claims he can’t do more than the 9-5. He could do contract work like I do (we have identical qualifications) but won’t (or possibly can’t). I don’t push it because we have a high household income so it’s not a money issue.
And I have no idea what he does. Nothing productive I guess. Hangs with friends, gym etc. We don’t own a tv or a computer in the house.
pockets says
I’m not judging the hours he works, I’m just a bit mystified at how he works fewer hours but doesn’t make up for that in more childcare. Do you pay for someone to watch the baby while he’s hanging out with friends/going to the gym and you’re working? Is the baby in daycare and you pick the baby up on your way home from work? I’m not trying to be rude or snarky – I just don’t understand how this works, and why he isn’t picking up more childcare slack.
Anon in NYC says
I think that’s the point of giving him tasks and making him the “owner” of certain chores. If he is finished with work at 5pm, he can come home and start laundry or make the baby’s food for the following day while he cooks dinner. Or why can’t he pick up the baby from daycare/takeover from the nanny when he gets home?
Things may never be equal in a household, but it sounds like you’re doing all of the work and he’s doing none except for cooking – is it because he doesn’t know how to help or what to do and needs direction? Is it because when he has done stuff in the past you have been unhappy with how he did them so now he doesn’t want to do them anymore? It sounds like you need to talk with him about more of an equitable division of labor.
Pogo says
I want to say I very much sympathize, and agree with everything other posters have said.
I, too, am quick to internalize criticism especially from a loved one (and I do love MIL, despite our differences). She is much more passive aggressive, but I have felt much as you describe – that any domestic nonperfection is somehow my fault and my fault only. As others have said, that’s not true – you both work, you both do chores, you both take care of kiddo. It is also not a reflection of you personally if your house or yard is a mess. I know it’s hard to believe these things when you’re feeling down, but that’s what you have to do.
For my husband and I, what works is dividing chores. Some things are just “him” tasks and some are “me” tasks. It worked out that these divided along traditional gender roles (I tend to cook, clean while he handles anything outdoor, plus utilities, car maintenance, etc). We didn’t mean for that, but it works – especially because my DH sounds just like yours re: cooking!! He loves it, but it takes him hours and leaves a huge mess that we both end up cleaning up at 10pm. I’ve told him repeatedly this can’t happen when we have kids – maybe I’ll give him one night a week or something to go crazy but otherwise, it’ll be something quick and requiring one pot. Maybe you could try something similar – let him do Friday or Saturday night as his big cooking thing, and the rest of the week you guys get takeout or whatever?
Frozen Peach says
I just want to give you a huge hug, and tell you that you are enough, and that perfection is very very overrated. Seriously, the perfect is the ENEMY of the good. Don’t let the inevitability of mess and human imperfection ruin your enjoyment of what otherwise sounds like a very good life.
It sounds like you should maybe spend some time working on not giving so many Fs. I work on this a lot, giving fewer Fs about what people think of me, or my house, or my relationship, or my body, or my outfit. It has never served me wrong.
It also sounds like you’re still really angry at both your husband (for not standing up to you?! for not realizing how much this hurt you and is affecting you?!) and your MIL. Not sure there’s much to do re: MIL, but I think just acknowledging the anger can be super helpful and free you from the resentments it brings along for the ride.
On the source of unequal distribution of household responsibilities, I agree with other commenters that going on strike after telling him to handle something is the single most effective method of husband reform. And I’m a messy cook, so we have the rule in our house that whoever cooks also cleans.
Take heart. Marriage is hard, especially with little ones!!
Another wife on here says
I posted about this in the weekend thread re: being a high achieving chick and how it affects relationships. It was this past weekend (June 3) if you want to read it. Good advice in there. Your husband’s actions do not reflect your (assumingly otherwise good, healthy) choice of marrying him.
Your MIL can go s u c k i t but that’s a different story and she DID apologize, so there’s that.
CLMom says
I was in IT when pregnant and the only time my bosses saw me in a maxi dress was during a business trip to Vegas in July…and even then it was only after the “work” portion of the day was done.
Nay in my book.
Spirograph says
Nay in my book, too. My company culture is pretty creative/casual; I will not be at all surprised to see even non-pregnant women wearing maxi dresses around my company this summer, so I could definitely “get away” with it… but I just can’t get on board with a cotton-blend maxi dress being professional attire, even with a cardigan or blazer on top (I can’t imagine the proportions of these working out in a way that reads put-together). And a shrug like the one suggested would only make me think more of the beach. or brunch. or church. Definitely not work.
Frozen Peach says
Yeah, never in a million years would I wear a maxi dress to work. Ever.
Anonymous says
Question: my son will be 4.5 in August. His school has a two week break between end of summer and beginning of fall. We used to live about 2 hours driving from my parents, and had no problem sending him down there for 3-4 days while we were gone (back when he was 3.5). Now we live an airplane ride away. He’s GREAT on planes, and great in general, and loves spending time at his grandparents, but for some reason we feel nervous about having them fly with him from our town back to where they live and then back to us for 4 days away. Probably because if he did get homesick, we couldn’t just be there in a few hours. Should be get over it and let them take him?
Anonymous says
I would let him go given the past history of a successful visit. I wouldn’t do unaccompanied minor flights at that age (don’t think you can even get them before 5) but I’d be fine with the grandparents flying with him.
Maddie Ross says
Am the only person who hates maxi dresses/skirts? If it’s warm enough to want to wear one (bare arms, etc.), then I feel like I’m sporting a sauna on the bottom half. Invariably, I end up with the skirt hiked up, or even tied in a knot to allow air flow. I simply don’t get it.
Spirograph says
You’re definitely not the only one. I was going to add this to my reply above. I don’t get it, either. It’d never be something I’d daydream about wearing to work if only if it were appropriate. DC heat+humidity in a long skirt? no thank you. They’re good for the beach, or for a wine fest somewhere breezy. But to walk around a hot city, there are just way more comfortable choices.
AIMS says
I think it depends on the fabric. I had one synthetic blend maxi dress from Old Navy and it was terrible in the heat, but I have some 100% cotton and silk ones and it’s better than being naked.
CLMom says
Hehe. Except even under a maxi dress, you’re still probably wearing undergarments, but don’t get me started on VPL on solid print, cotton maxi dresses…
hoola hoopa says
I wear them when I haven’t shaved my legs because they are cooler than pants, and I find that a black maxi dress with a statement necklace is an easy thing to throw on when I need to look nice but not too nice for a weekend social event.
That said, they definitely are not my favorite because they constrict my mobility. I know so many people love them for ‘chasing kids’, but I’m always twisted up, standing on them hem, or annoyed that I can’t sit crisscross or that my kids are trying to crawl up and hide in the skirt.
Someone to talk to... says
Posting here because I really don’t have anyone to talk to about this in real life.
Things are tough right now in my marriage. We have an almost two year old, busy work schedules, and live in a high-stress, HCOL area. I’m on reduced schedule, but it’s in Big Law, so that means I’m working every weekday, just not nights and weekends, usually. Husband works longer hours, but we make about the same amount of money. He’s reasonably good about hands-on toddler duty when he’s around, but I do the vast majority of planning and grunt work and am the default parent. I suck at balancing my work and home life — the house is always in slight to major disarray, and that’s only because we have a house cleaner every two weeks. I’m barely working out three days a week, and we do take out for dinner far to frequently.
But we keep having the same fight — namely my husband complaining about how ‘we’ aren’t making physical fitness a priority and ‘we’ keep the house too messy. I hear this as him blaming ME for all this, but then he says he’s not saying that when I call him on it. He keeps saying he needs me to be pushing him to work out and eat better, and when he asks if I’ve worked out that day and I haven’t, he starts in on how working out used to be a priority to me, but it’s not anymore and that I ‘sold him a bill of goods’. Same fight last night, this time over the phone since he’s out of town (again) for several days. Hung up on bad terms, but he’s since texted/emailed acting as if everything is okay. Sometime we fight about money, mostly when I point out we’ve got more going out than coming in, and he makes comments about how I chose to reduce my hours. But then also complains about how I work too much now and that his job is more important/harder than mine (it’s not, btw).
Then other times he’s as sweet as can be, says how this is the hardest time, etc.etc. And there are good times.
I finally said we need to see a counselor, but he sees this as a sign that things are just over. I am doubtful that he’ll actually go into the sessions with an open mind.
I also realized last night that it really doesn’t matter if he’s right or not — I’ve been arguing that the messy home, lack of working out, and not spending our weekends hiking and biking and such are par for the course when you have a toddler and two working parents. But that’s not the point — I’m so sick of what feels like constant criticism. I think if it wasn’t working out and the messy house, it would be something else and it would be my fault. And it’s not healthy to be in a relationship like that.
I don’t know if counseling will even help. I’m starting to think that maybe divorce is the least-worst option. I’m scared of how that would impact our daughter, and it would gut me to not see her everyday, and I’d feel like a total failure and my parents would be disappointed. But I also can’t continue like this and I certainly can’t let my daughter think this is a normal dynamic.
So, right now I can’t talk to anyone about this — I’m embarrassed, I don’t want people to think poorly of my husband, I don’t want to seem like I’m a pushover, I don’t have any friends who have divorced with kids. But I had to just get it out, even anonymously, although I’m terrified someone will recognize me. So I’m posting before I can change my mind and delete this.
AnonMom says
My initial thought is that the complaints about the working out and the messy house are not the real issues. It sounds like financial strain may be part of the issue.? Having a toddler is hard – could things possibly get better down the road? I’m so sorry! This sounds hard. I wouldn’t conclude divorce is inevitable or the right choice, but it sounds like exploring the possibility may be a good idea.
AnonMom says
Also, saying “you sold me a bill of goods” tells me that your DH is lashing out – I think he probably has some issues of his own that he’s not handling well right now. How this turns out may depend in large part on how he handles whatever is bothering him – I think he needs to be a grown up and figure it out before too long.
Anonymous says
Hug – you’re doing great. You’re balancing a tough work schedule with a busy home life.
DH needs to grow up a bit. Working out three days a week is great. And this “bill of goods” business is bullshit.
You’re not responsible for helping him work out. If he wants to work out more and clean up more then he’s welcome to do that but you are doing the best you can in a tough situation and he needs to back off.
DH is a jerk and needs to grow up and stop with the mean and inappropriate comments. I would immediately hang up the phone if my DH tried to tell me bullshit like his job is more important.
Hopefully counselling will help. Whatever your end decision, you clearly need someone to talk do so you should go even if he won’t.
Anonymous says
sorry for the vulgarity – was feeling super ragey on your behalf.
TK says
If my husband EVER told me to work out more or that he’d been sold a ‘bill of goods’ I would tell him to f*ck off and might literally punch him in the face. My kids is 2.5 and I’ve worked out a total of 5 times since he’s been born. You are doing amazing, your husband sounds like an a-hole.
pockets says
Yes. And I’d probably also sit on the couch and eat Doritos naked just to rub his face in it.
Anon in NYC says
lol. Yes. That sounds like awful body shaming to me, and I would not tolerate it. I can’t imagine what he hopes to accomplish by saying that – it doesn’t really spark warm loving feelings!
anon says
That’s what “you need to work out more” sounded like to me too – a cruel and poorly veiled “you need to lose weight” comment. Adding to the chorus of “I think maybe I worked out last month.” Three times a week is astounding to me.
Him hassling you about you not nagging him more to work out and eat healthier is obviously total b.s. It sounds maybe like he’s feeling like less of a “man,” whatever the f that means, recently. If your s3x life is as nonexistent as mine is (biglaw hours, 1 year old, tired and stressed and messy house all the time), I imagine that’s a contributing factor too. It sure is at my house.
“We’ve been arguing that the messy home, lack of working out, and not spending our weekends hiking and biking and such are par for the course when you have a toddler and two working parents. ” – it sounds like he hasn’t accepted that concept and he’s blaming you for it, or at least is mad at the world about it, and taking it out on you.
This is all some next level bs, which you know. If you ARE thinking about divorce, then make sure you know where all your finances are and what they look like.
JJ says
Yeah, I almost had a rage stroke when I read that “bill of goods” part. Your husband is a big boy – if he wants to work out, then he can make himself do it. It sounds like y’all have a lot of issues where you’re not on the same page and the biggest issue is that your husband doesn’t sound like he respects you or your job.
He’s out of town, you’re working and taking care of the toddler alone, and he’s giving you crap about not working out that day??? Big, big hugs. You’re doing great. I’d recommend counseling, either with or without him.
lsw says
I echo that – you’re doing great. It sounds like he wants you to be the parent for everything – the parent who takes care of your kid, the parent who takes care of your house, the parent who takes care of HIM (the stuff about how YOU are responsible for him making HIS goals?). And I agree the “bill of goods” comment was extremely cruel and I hope he a) recognized that and b) apologized. I don’t always jump on the therapy/counseling bandwagon, but couples counseling is a must here – by yourself if he won’t go.
And divorce does not mean you failed. If it’s the right choice, it means you were strong enough to make the right choice for you – and that’s what will matter to your daughter.
Big hugs.
Anonymous says
+a million “divorce does not mean you failed.”
For me, divorce meant I recognized that I married a man-child, and out of self-preservation, I jumped ship.
JK says
+1 I’m pretty sure I would be calling an attorney if “bill of goods,” was ever said to me by my husband. Eff that forEVER. Marriage is not a transaction.
I think solo counseling might be a good idea for you. You clearly have some tough decisions to make.
Anon says
That was my thought too, TK. If my husband ever insinuated that I needed to work out more or told me I “sold him a bill of goods” I would straight up hit him, and I am not a violent person. I would definitely push counseling – you don’t deserve that ish.
SoCalAtty says
Adding my voice to this. I’ve worked out…once since my son was born. 9 months ago. We go for a bike ride when we can, we pick up the house when we can (it is clean, but messy if that makes sense). I’m not livestock or a product – that “bill of goods” comment is making me a little rage-y this morning.
Legally Brunette says
When I read OP’s post I thought she had made a typo, because working out 3 times a WEEK with Big Law and a toddler is pretty much rockstar territory.
OP, I send you lots of hugs and good thoughts. I echo what others have said here. You are amazing and are doing so much. Don’t let your husband tell you otherwise.
CHJ says
What does he say when you tell him that you can’t take the constant criticism? Everything else sounds like a dynamic my husband and I had when our son was almost 2 and we were both working full-time with long commutes. We were both so grouchy and we picked on each other as an outlet for our stress.
But during that hard time, I laid it out for him and said that I recognized that life was really hard and messy and chaotic, but that he needed to find some other outlets for his stress and frustration than turning it all on me. To his credit, he took it all to heart and started making some changes, which for him involved getting back into a sport that he loved and going on a paleo diet (kill me, but whatever. Made him happy.) And he made an active effort to stop criticizing me, which was absolutely key. Does he have the ability/willingness to stop criticizing you? And try to find healthier outlets for his stress that don’t jeopardize his family?
And fwiw, since then we’ve both taken easier jobs with no commute, and our son is almost 3 and things are easier. Money is tighter but we have so much more time, and that has made a huge difference.
CHJ says
Also, this blog post resonated with both of us and made us stop picking fights so easily:
http://www.ramshackleglam.com/2016/03/28/465906470/
pockets says
This sounds really hard. I for one am impressed that you work out 3 times a week. I have a 2.5 yo and I think I’ve worked out 3 times since she’s been born.
I agree that if it wasn’t this, it would be something else. I recoiled when I read your “sold a bill of goods” comment – you didn’t “sell” your husband anything, he made the decision to marry and start a life with you, and slight variations on your physical fitness should not have been a material part of that decision.
Counseling sounds like a good way to go, as I’m going to give your husband the benefit of the doubt and think that he doesn’t mean to sound like a critical jerk when he says these things, but rather he has his own issues and is lashing out at you, or he honestly does not realize how hurtful these comments are (maybe it’s his way of “motivating” you to work out).
MDMom says
You have gotten a lot of really good answers and I don’t have much to add. Having a young kid is really stressful on a marriage, especially when you have 2 careers too. Just try not to worry about what others will think. Make decisions based on what’s best for yourself and your kid. I know that’s easier said than done. If he won’t go to counseling, start by going yourself. It will help to have someone you feel free to talk all these conflicting feelings through with in real life. Good luck!
Anon for this says
All the above commenters have got it covered. But I know what it’s like to play the stay-or-go game around the issue of husband criticism. It’s not easy, and a huge part of it is the shame. (“I’m an educated woman! I’m a feminist! How can I let someone treat me this way?!”) If you want a friend to talk to or text with, I’m raising my hand– reply here and we can figure out how to “take it offline…”
Anonymous says
Hi, I am not the OP but I’m going through something similar. Could you post an anonymous email address?
Anon says
This forum is helpful for a lot of things – for me, it’s been a good wake-up call to air out my “normal” and get feedback on what’s okay and what isn’t. A while back I posted about my husband’s drinking to the point of intoxication (e.g., far too drunk to drive) every night. Comments on this board helped me to recognize how out-of-the ordinary that was, and that I didn’t / shouldn’t have to accept that as my baseline. It was helpful for me to get a bird’s eye view from others who helped me see what I was too close to recognize. We’ve since talked, and things have improved.
In your case, the chorus here is affirming for you that his behavior is not normal and is totally unacceptable. When my husband travels for work, part of his preparation for the trip is helping me make sure I have everything on hand to solo-parent while he’s gone. He tells me he loves me and that I’m beautiful, whether I’ve worked out or not (Hint: usually not.) We jointly take on the responsibility of trying to eat healthy, but accept that on some (many) days we’re doing frozen meals from Trader Joe’s. I cannot fathom either of us trying to ‘guilt’ the other about any of this. And this kind of behavior – it isn’t rare or unique. It’s a baseline standard for two people who love each other and are committed to raising a family as a joint effort.
All that’s to say – working parents can feel stressed out without being d*cks to each other. What you’ve described isn’t normal, and it isn’t okay for you to feel like you just have to put up with it.
Clerky says
+1 to husband helping out before he goes out of town. DH just left for 4 days and he did the following: wrote a menu for every meal so I would know what to feed the kids, did all of the grocery shopping plus some extras so we wouldn’t run out of staples, cooked a huge pot of chili so I wouldn’t have to cook. This is what a partner should do, not make you feel bad for not working out!! Jeez. I wish you the best of luck, OP.
lala says
I’m just curious – what does your husband to do help you solo parent when he’s out of town? I’m going on my first business trip next week since my son was born and I’ve been trying to think about how I can help my husband before I go. I think the biggest thing will be doing some meal prep on Sunday.
Anon in NYC says
My husband does things like making sure I have enough coffee (huge!), helping me with meal prep, making sure the laundry is done, etc. Basically, he says that his goal is to make sure that I just need to get me and our daughter fed, dressed, and out the door every day. And, in a nice bonus, he also preemptively absolves me of any guilt I may feel about spending more money for the sake of convenience while he’s away.
Anon says
Laying out outfits for your son might help (if your husband is like my husband).
TK says
My husband stocks house with children’s cold medicine, diapers, and beer (things that might otherwise require an evening trip out of the house); mows lawn; does laundry; make me go spend a few hours of “me” time (haircut, go to the gym out with friends etc.) within the day or two before he leaves.
very anon says
I just wanted to say hugs and hang in there; all the other comments have covered what you need to hear.
But I also wanted to say that it is easy when things are hard to suddenly turn your partner into a monster and forget anything good that they do. This was me at around this time last year, and I started thinking about divorce. My situation was different, but I had the same negative, hopeless view of my marriage.
When I reached out to my husband finally and explained how utterly wrecked I was (not in veiled references or attempts at “talking about it” that I’d tried before) he really stepped up, and I decided to give things a chance. Now I can’t imagine my life without him, and I can’t relate to my self of last year who had such an entirely negative view.
Another thing that helped us was when he finally broke down and admitted that he too felt overwhelmed, helpless, and like he didn’t have an outlet for his emotions. I never knew he felt that way! I thought he was just grouchy and critical. When I found out that his adult boy tantrums are his way of expressing his feelings (not healthy, but we’re working on it) and he doesn’t actually find any fault in ME, I felt a lot better. Knowing that it’s HIS immaturity and nothing I did makes any snide remarks slide off my back more easily.
I do agree with other posters that his comment about your working out/weight was way out of line, and I do think it’s a red flag (not the same as criticizing how well you keep the house – that’s your actual SELF he’s talking about). Personal attacks are not OK.
Someone to talk to... says
Thanks everyone. I appreciate everyone’s comments. I’m feeling pretty weepy over here, so very glad I’m working from home today.
I just put out feelers for a recommendation for a therapist. I know I need to work this crap on my own first. And I reached out to a friend to ask her to hold me accountable for following up with a therapist.
As for my husband, I go back and forth between wondering if he’s just a straight up jerk or is so full of his own issues that he can’t help it. But short-term that doesn’t really matter and long-term that only matters if he’s willing to deal with his own issues.
I do feel like an idiot for marrying someone who makes me feel this way, because this was brewing before we got married, it just got a lot worse after we were married and living together and had a baby.
Thanks again — I hope to update sometime in the future with progress, whatever that may look like.
Betty says
You have received wonderful advice and support here, and I wanted to add an in-the-moment strategy that has worked for me (my spouse has major depressive disorder and can get mean): When he is being a jerk, I put my hands up in an X and say calmly: “Stop. You cannot speak to me this way. It is mean. If you would like to talk about __[name issue]__ in a respectful way, I will be in the living room. Come find me if you want to talk and can do so nicely.” And then I turn around and leave the room. It took a while for me to recognize when he was being mean and not to fight back in the moment. For me, this was one of the first boundaries that I learned to draw.
Anon for this says
Agreed with Betty– learning about boundaries and codependency were super key.
Meg Murry says
Good for you for taking the step for therapy, but please also don’t be too hard on yourself (as I’m taking from your statement: “I know I need to work this crap on my own first”)
Yes, talking to a therapist is a good step, but be sure to talk about how to respond when he says something like this – not just focus on what *you* are doing wrong/how *you* are broken. I hope I’m mis-reading, but I don’t want you to think that it is your job to “fix” him or that somehow he is being a jerk because of something you are doing or saying, and if you just find the “right” thing to do or say, it will stop.
Have you called him out on these comments? As in, said, “Hey, that’s not ok, you can’t talk to me like that?” or “Hey, we’re both stressed here, but you don’t get to take it out on me”
Your husband treating you like a jerk does not mean that *you* are broken or flawed. Hopefully this is just a rough patch and the two of you can work through this together – but if not, that doesn’t mean that *you* failed – just that the two of you do not work together.
anon says
OP, I hope you see this. I don’t know you, but I feel like I do. I’m watching long distance as my BFF is going through a very similar situation (seriously, I had to reread your post bc I thought it was her). She’s smart, successful, a great mom, a great friend and good looking to boot. As she’s opened up to her friends about what is going on, not one of them has told her she is stupid or weak for the situation she’s in. She’s not broken . You’re not broken. You’ll make it through this.
Reach out to your friends.
Spirograph says
Yeah, I hate to say that your husband sounds like a jerk, but he sounds like a jerk. You’re both stressed out. It’s a stressful season of marriage, but he needs to own it and stop blaming you. You’re doing great!
I picked up one of the John Gottman books (on recc from people here! thanks!) recently — And Baby Makes Three — and one of the first chapters is something like “recognize we’re in the same soup.” That sounds like what’s missing for your husband. It’s easy (or at least I’ve done it) to fall into the thought trap of thinking everything sucks for me and me alone, and look to your spouse to fix it, but the fact is that everything sucks for both parents when you have demanding full-time jobs and a toddler. There just aren’t enough hours in the day, and no one has the energy to do everything as well as they want to, even if money isn’t an issue. At some point, you just have to commiserate and figure out a way to muddle through together the best you can. Not sure if your husband is the type to go in for self-help reading, but that book might be a suggestion if he’s unwilling to jump into counseling.
Anon says
Completely agree on the Gottman recommendation. Love his books.
Anonanon says
Some of your issues sound familiar to me, and I’m guessing part of it is that your husband feels like his life is out of his control and is stressing out about how it’s changed, and he doesn’t know how to get a handle on it so he’s taking it out on you. 1. I told my husband: He can’t complain about messiness of the house unless he’s spent 5 minutes picking up first. And 2. He’s signed up for a regular outdoors/exercise activity that makes him feel like he’s getting enough exercise, so somehow he worries less about how active I am (and get real, 3 times a week is amazing). I think a lot of it was his projecting his concern about himself getting out of shape into worry about me, and I am pretty comfortable with where I am myself so I could clearly see that it wasn’t really coming from a rational place on his part. Maybe it was more a twisted cry for help? He was scared on some level that having kids meant now we were all just going to be overwhelmed with kid stuff and never be super active like we used to be. But now kids are a little older and can go along for the ride and it’s actually fun for everyone to do active brings on weekends together.
But as far as the criticism: I think my husband felt they were just offhand no-big-deal comments, and it took me really laying it out (with tears) about how I felt stressed out and how much his comments really hurt and made me stressed out about him being around rather than enjoying our time together, and it finally sunk in that his snarky comments were not helping, and he has improved tremendously.
hoola hoopa says
“I’m so sick of what feels like constant criticism. I think if it wasn’t working out and the messy house, it would be something else and it would be my fault. And it’s not healthy to be in a relationship like that. ”
I was in a relationship like that, except I didn’t really realize it until after we split (he left me, ironically) and my next partner commented on how often I apologized for things that weren’t even remotely my fault. Good for you for seeing it.
If I step out of that memory and look at yours objectively: He’s being a really terrible partner to you. It sounds to me like *he* is struggling with the changes that happen when a baby enters life and marriage, and in his frustration he’s striking out at you. That doesn’t excuse it in the least, but if he wasn’t like this before baby, hopefully addressing (or, realistically, accepting) those stresses can help bring him back. To be clear, I am NOT saying that it is YOUR job to reduce his stress.
hoola hoopa says
I’m thinking along the same lines as Anonanon, above.
NewMomAnon says
I’m not advocating divorce – I think you have some work to do with husband, and your next stage of life will be happier and healthier if you can find a way to understand his behavior better (whether divorced or not). The reality of divorce with children is that it requires a lot of ongoing communication and boundary setting; it is not a get-out-of-jail-free card from a nasty relationship.
And having been through divorce, I understand being scared. Those fears are real and powerful, but they are temporary. I’d love to talk with you about what life as a single mom of a toddler looks like; it’s messy and beautiful and sad and funny and sometimes scary. If you are interested, please let me know and I’ll set up an e-mail account.
Hugs.
FP says
I’m not the OP but I’m interested.
Chiming In says
I haven’t read all of the other comments. I think you should take a minute and think about what your husband was like before you guys had your baby. Did he care a ton about physical appearances? Did he really like having a “hot” wife? Does he pride himself in being in crazy shape and “hot” too? If so, those inner desires don’t go away just because you guys have a child together. In an ideal world, they would. However, what makes for a successful marriage is NOT voicing those concerns in a way that puts down our spouse. They still need to be acknowledged and addressed WITHOUT PRESSURE.
My husband is a generally awesome man but one of his faults is he cares a lot about his appearance and I suspect mine. He has NEVER put me down but I know that it is important to him that I take care of myself and meet some of society’s definition of attractive. (Working out 3 times a week you are definitely taking care of yourself!) He makes a lot of comments about wanting to make sure I work out to “be healthy” and so I live a long life and don’t get winded up a flight of stairs. In reality though, I know he wants me to stay thin-average and never get fat. I’ve already gone from thin to average and he’s stayed a good guy but I know he really likes it when I’m looking trim. What guy wouldn’t lol. He has a lot of his own body image issues and being in ridiculously good shape is important to him.
We plan to have children in the future and have talked a lot about how our bodies have changed and will change but these are honest loving conversations. Not “bill of sale” type conversations. We’ve had honest discussions about how he will always love me but that if I suddenly had a medical condition (like a poor friend of ours) and gained 100 lbs in a few months, he’d have trouble seeing me as sexually attractive though he would still be attracted to me as a person. I don’t fault him for that. If he suddenly gained 100 lbs I might see him as less attractive too.
Working out 3 times a week is AMAZING. I hear a bit of my husband in your husband though and I think he is afraid you are suddenly going to go all MOM BOD on him. And that he will suddenly be all DAD BOD. If you acknowledge that things have changed but you aren’t just going to let yourself go and you will call him on it if he let’s himself go then he might be more confident not checking in as often. And if you tell him to stop it, he needs to stop it. I’ve told my husband, if you see me devouring a whole bag of chips, no matter how much it grosses you out, NO COMMENTS about it.
AnonMom says
I know it’s been discussed before here and on the main site, but any current recommendations for podcasts, sites, blogs, etc for moms, working moms, working women, or just generally? I’m on maternity leave and I’ve been spending WAY too much time on another blog for moms that’s WAY too negative, and I need a find a few more positive sources (in addition to this one, which i love, so thank you!).
AIMS says
Not for moms, but I love the Stuff You Should Know podcast (some topics are actually very child-helpful).
TK says
‘it’s like they know us’ is always good for a laugh.
JK says
I love One Bad Mother so much I bought the t shirt.
JK says
I have often heard that being a working mom means feeling like you aren’t doing a good job at anything.
But I am overwhelmed by that feeling right now, and I don’t even work a particularly demanding job (40 hrs a week) and only one kid. How do you make peace with the idea that you are never going to be able to do all the very worthy things that you would like to do? It doesn’t seem unreasonable to want to succeed at work, spend time with my kid, spend alone time with my husband, do some exercise, take care of my house and yard, cook healthy meals, try not to destroy the environment completely with disposable/packaged items, be there for my friends and family, do some sort of good in the community, and engage in a leisure activity now and then. Yet, it is proving to be totally impossible do all these things at the level at which I would like to do them. I realize that’s a pretty obvious “no one can have it all at the same time” conclusion that has been analyzed to death, but the question is how to be OK with that as it plays out in your own life. How do you decide what to compromise? How do you move forward and not hate yourself when you eff something up at work or forget a close friend’s birthday or end up buying takeout for dinner every night for a week?
It has been a bad morning, in case you can’t tell.
JJ says
Hugs. It’s so hard. The only thing that consoles me when I feel like this (and I’ll bet every working mother has felt this way), is to remind myself that these are all “seasons” in life. Nothing is permanent. And while I may not have time to volunteer as much as I’d like now, or go out with friends now, I will in the future. And when I see the amazing amount of clutter and kids toys in my house and start to stress out that my home doesn’t look like something from Pinterest (ridiculous, I know), I remind myself that kids’ toys aren’t forever.
AIMS says
I find it helpful to not view the compromises I’m making as permanent. So if my “cooking” is now largely heating up nearly-made Trader Joe’s entrées, I just think about how I can’t wait for baby AIMS to be a little older so that we can cook dinners together, or I think about how nice it will be when she’s older and can spend the weekend with my mom so that I can have some relationship alone time or go out with my friends for a late night. Things bother me a lot less when I know that they’re not permanent and nothing you’re dealing with now is permanent. You’ll have more time for yourself, and your husband, and for your career before you know it.
blue says
I have 2 year old twins and a full-time job as a lawyer and I just gave up guilt about a year ago. Like I flipped a switch. I thought: my husband never, never feels guilty. He focuses on what he has done, not what he hasn’t. So I refuse to be guilty for doing 80% instead of 100% (where that is impossible).
And somehow it works. I am trying really hard to do as much as I can. It will never all get done. I know, honestly, that I am giving it a good shot. So I do what is most important and then, when the day is done, I go to sleep.
MDMom says
I have a one year old and this is basically where I’m at. Not that I’m immune from ever feeling guilty or inadequate, but I dont dwell on it. First step is to just accept that you cannot do all of those things right now. You just can’t. So being upset about it is like being upset that you can’t fly. It’s pointless. Once you accept that, figure out what your priorities are and act accordingly. What you don’t get to, you don’t get to.
JK says
Can you guilt-free people bottle that or write a how-to manual or something? I would like to get to this point, and you are 100% correct that my husband feels NONE of this. When I bring up these issues, he’s just like, “Huh. I think we’re doing fine.”
TK says
Put yourself in Trump’s mindset, if just for a day. Convince yourself are the best and most amazing at everything – despite any evidence to the contrary. Congratulate yourself on the banal. “Way to go, TK, up within 30 minutes of your alarm going off. Best ever.’ “TK, you are so fashion forward, showing up to work with two shoes that don’t match. Plus you are far too busy and important to care.” “Your son is learning so much about zoology and the rainforest, TK, way to put him on the fast track to success! (while little TK is watching Tarzan for the thousandth time while I snooze on the floor at 6 am on Saturday morning)”
Frozen Peach says
YES THIS!!!!!
JK says
This is so brilliant! Let’s try it: JK, you are sitting here reading the internet and being anxious like a CHAMP!
Spirograph says
lol, I love this. I’m going to channel my inner Trump starting now: Eating lunch and reading comments on a fashion blog when your boss just gave you an ASAP tasker shows such excellent prioritization of self-care!
Seriously, a little lightbulb just went off in my head when I read “my husband feels none of this.” Because my husband definitely feels none of this, and in fact frequently congratulates himself on being such a more awesome husband/father than [fill in whichever friend is particularly weak in the area under immediate consideration]… but I had n ever thought about that as an option for me before.
(now back to work. sad, because these discussions are really good today. I’m looking forward to reading everything after the kids go to bed)
MDMom says
Ha, yes this. But it’s hard to explain how to achieve this mindset because I don’t know how much of it is just temperment and background. My parents both worked full time (though not in super demanding careers like law or medicine) and had 3 kids and just did the best they could. I didn’t grow up in a world of Martha Stewart like perfection. I remember my mom saying how much she loved Roseanne because she was the first realistic mom she ever saw on tv and it just made her feel so much better. I never felt pressure from my parents to be perfect.
Of course there’s the societal pressure we all internalize, me as much as anyone. And there are days, especially when kid is sick and work is busy and the hot water heater breaks, that it’s a real struggle. But I think you just have to make a conscious effort to be kind to yourself. The foundation is really confidence and self acceptance. That’s easier for men for cultural reasons, but its achievable. That’s what Trump is all about right?
I haven’t ironed clothes for 3 weeks, but as a result of having nothing to wear to work this morning (and being unable to iron while supervising a 12 month old), I pulled a dress from the back of my closet that I haven’t worn since I got pregnant. And it fit and looks cute. Yay for rotating your wardrobe!
blue says
As follow up, the no-guilt switch was flipped when, one day, my husband saw someone’s name on my phone and said, “who is that?” And I said, “Err… Mary Smith? The woman who watches our children out of her home since they were babies? Are you kidding? Who is that?!” (They are in a wonderful in-home daycare.) And his response was, “Oh, Mary. I never knew her last name.” And he was not disturbed by that. I realized that I will never appreciate the full volume of what I’m taking care of because I would never think to, say, give myself credit for knowing our childcare provider’s last name!
***He is a very attentive, hands-on dad. He is just a real dope sometimes.
CHL says
I also feel like this a lot and I liked laura vanderkam’s book “I know how she does it.” A lot of tactical tips, but mostly I appreciated her advice to think about what your values are and how your activities line up against those, and especially thinking of what “quality” time with kids and family look like vs. things that maybe a babysitter can help with so that you can enjoy that quality. You won’t be able to do everything you might like to do, but having a framework for thinking through what I really really wanted to do makes it easier to manage on a day-to-day.
RDC says
Someone here posted this link, which I love:
http://nymag.com/thecut/2015/04/ask-polly-do-i-have-a-baby-or-have-a-career.html
It has totally stuck with me – on lousy days, I think, this is what’s it’s like to have it all. “All” is by definition a whole heck of a lot. I try to focus on all the things that are going right – healthy kid, decent job (even if I’m not always rocking it), happy family, nice house (even if messy, with takeout for dinner). It’s a whole heck of a lot.
Meg Murry says
So many good comments here already. +1 to remembering that it is just a stage, and realizing that my husband doesn’t feel guilty about using disposable products or take out, so why should I, etc.
This is going to sound cheesy, but the other thing that gets me through it is to stop, take a deep breath, and remind myself how lucky I am to have these problems. Seriously, when I was the age my kids are now, my parents’ number one concern was keeping a roof over our heads and the lights on. If there was food in the fridge that wasn’t leftovers of the same dish we had already had 3 times that week, it was a good week. I spent a lot of time with babysitters, a lot of time reading alone instead of being played with, and a ton of time in front of the TV.
So now I try to be grateful that I have the option to buy take-out, or use disposable silverware, or feed my kids something other than PB&J every day for lunch. At least on good days. On bad days, I feel like a b*tch for feeling so ungrateful about having so much when others have so little …. but luckily those days don’t come as often.
Also, sometimes you just have to be a little bit selfish to stay sane. If that means ordering pizza instead of cooking, or kids watch a tv show while you veg out with a book rather than doing some educational family time activity – well, so be it. Learning that mom doesn’t exist simply to serve them is an important lesson for my kids – at least, that’s the way I try to frame it to myself because it sounds better than “d@mmit, Mommy just needs some peace and quiet and no one asking for anything or touching her for 5 minutes, please.”
JK says
Your point is well taken, especially because my lifestyle now is a far cry from anything I could have envisioned growing up. But I think it’s part of the problem too because I am so aware of how privileged I am, and I feel a moral responsibility to use my privilege to help others. When I realize I can’t do everything I would like to it starts this cycle of guilt that doesn’t help anyone. I will have to think about this more.
JK says
Thanks everyone, I appreciate all the responses. And I really like the Ask Polly article.
Anon says
I think I have a pretty good balance of all those things you say you want to do. How I do it is as follows:
“its better than nothing” is my motto. repeat after me: “it’s better than nothing”
-I have a job with no upward mobility. I just do a good job and then go home. I dont need to be constantly proving myself as fit for a promotion. Just good enough to keep around.
-I have one child.
-Said child goes to bed before 7 pm. (alone time with husband, check!)
-I am a member of the jr. league which allows me to do activities I enjoy, see my friends regularly, and help the community all in one go. I’m not mother theresa, but it’s better than nothing.
-I figure that money is honestly more important than service to most charities. I used to work at a charity, and I know how important it is. So if you want to help someone? You can just write a check.
-I do all daycare drop offs and pick ups. In exchange, my husband is in charge of planning and cooking all dinners. They are reasonably healthy, but not amazingly so. We have the same 7-10 dinners week after week. One of the dinners is always takeout. One is a frozen pizza because we’re classy like that. It’ll do for now.
-The toddler eats all meals provided by her daycare.
-Our landscaping looks like crap and we pay someone to cut the grass.
-We have a series of bins in our house and a trashcan in every room to throw away trash right away. At the end of the day, we put things in the bins. If you do a little clean up every night, the house never descends into complete chaos. The house doesnt look perfect, but it’s fine.
-We have a big recycling bin in the kitchen. I’m not a paragon of environmentalism, but it’s better than nothing.
-I work out 1 time per week. Twice if I’m an overachiever. Its better than nothing.
Dont let the perfect be the enemy of the good.
JK says
I love it! I think my new mantras need to be “it’s better than nothing” and “it’s not forever.”
hoola hoopa says
There was a pin on pinterest that floated around my feed for a while that said something along the lines of “If doing something is truly important to you, you’ll find the time to do it.” I instantly knew that the pinners did not have children.
I have three kids and a FT job. I could probably spend three days just clearing out my list of Things That Take 15 Minutes because it’s so long. The best therapy, IMO, is to develop a sense of humor about it and joke with other parents who get it, because it really is universal.
That said, the prioritization and trade-offs are soooo personal. For example, I like to spend my time after the kids go to sleep with my husband, whereas someone else spends that time exercising or working on a solo project, so I consider that when I see a fit mom or a neat thing that someone else made. I like to spend my PTO sporadically so that I can volunteer in school or have a day to myself rather than take it in a lump on an awesome vacation, so I remember than when I listen to others talk about their fabulous vacations. I like to splurge on ‘upgraded’ food rather than extracurricular activities for my kids, so I think about that when I wonder how people are affording three activities per child at one time.
I 100% agree with pp that the prioritization is temporary! That’s something we learned with experience and has made the entire parenting experience so much easier. I might prioritize Nap Schedule over Fun Activity when I have a one year old, but in a couple of years we don’t have to do that. I might choose Sleep over Exercise during a difficult week (or month, or year), but every day I get to reassess.
Anonymous says
I HATE that sentiment. Because, yes, I can find time to exercise if it’s important. I can also find time to volunteer, spend time with friends, plant a garden, and learn Italian, but I can’t do ALL of those things AND keep my job AND raise my child. Inevitably, something’s got to give. (Sorry for the caps, but I though the emphasis was warranted.
hoola hoopa says
Caps are completely warranted!
Anon says
Adding to the big life questions here today, especially about “having it all,” what do you do when you are stuck in the slog of little kids, a marriage and a job? My kids are not babies any more, but still need hands on attention (2 and 4). There are likely no more babies in our future, so no more counting down trimesters, marking life by months, and anxiously waiting to hit the next stage – while knowing it’s all going so fast.
Now, it’s negotiating the same temper tantrums from my 2 year old, and sibling fights, and who has to do the dishes, and endless cooking dinners and lunches for little picky eaters (not just procuring baby food). We aren’t worrying about CIO, now it’s waking up for bad dreams, or wetting the bed. I have a steady, low hour job, so that’s not the issue. Husband could probably work a little less, but has flexibility and great prospects. But I feel stuck – still exhausted (see above re nightmares) and worn down, with little personal time.
Maybe I should put this on the other site and get more responses from people who are on the other side of little kids, but any thoughts here?
Meg Murry says
Make a plan for something to look forward to? It could be a little thing, like getting a babysitter so you can have a date night, or calling up a friend you rarely see and scheduling a girls night, or putting a vacation day on your calendar where you send the kids to daycare anyway and indulge in a day of doing nothing much – or a big thing like planning a vacation (preferably without the kids).
For me, the number one thing that makes me feel like I’m in a rut is feeling like I’m on an endless slog, with no end it sight. So having something to look forward to can really help me get through the long long days.
JJ says
I agree. I’m lucky and have my parents nearby and they are able to watch the kids on weekends for us. It’s vital for my sanity to always have some vacation on the calendar for me to look forward to. My husband and I try to go out for long weekends twice a year to someplace without the kids. Or, I even try and schedule a business trip when possible and just give myself time to go to dinner by myself somewhere new and then spend the rest of the night in the quiet hotel room. Essentially, something to break up the routine and make the daily slog more enjoyable.
Frozen Peach says
+ a million on things to look forward to.
Betty says
No wise thoughts or advice, just commiseration. I feel like we (or maybe more me) are stuck in an endless loop: scramble to get ready in the morning, race to drop off two kids (5 and 2), be late to work, try to be productive at work, race home, dinner that is later than the kids temperaments would prefer, bath, bedtime, collapse and weekends where I attempt to get stuff done, clean and prepare for the upcoming week. I am perpetually exhausted, mentally and physically.
Colleagues with older kids tell me to enjoy this time or that they grow so fast, but these tend to be male workers with SAH wives. I find myself asking what is the point of this race — noting that I stepped out of biglaw to in house to avoid the rat race and yet still find myself worn down.
Faye says
You just described my life to a T.
I find myself asking the same thing, what is the point of this race? Can this really be how I spend the next year/3 years/10 years? I don’t see an end in sight to this constant loop and I can’t figure out what the end game is.
Betty says
I appreciate the comments about a day off or something to look forward to (and have done those things in the past) but when you see the race laying out in front of you, a day off feels like a band aid for a broken leg. I too can’t figure out the end game.
Anonymous says
How about trying something just for you?
I recently took up running which is so outside what I would normally do that I haven’t even told many friends about it. Substitute any activity that you used to do and have given up since kids or any activity you’ve always wanted to try but haven’t found the time post kids. Sitting in a coffee shop and reading a book by yourself totally counts.
At first I felt super guilty about being away from my kids when not working but it turns out that a hour by myself a couple times a week has been really good for my mental health. Growing up I wished my mom had more of her own hobbies and interests and I think it’s healthy to model that for my kids.
Frozen Peach says
Agreed, I wished my mom had more of a social life, more date nights with my dad, more interests and hobbies of her own. And that she would wear jeans like the other moms instead of getting so dressed up and always putting on a full face of makeup before going anywhere. I need to remember this before I start feeling guilty about not spending enough time with my kid or looking put together enough!!
Anon says
Agree – My mom took up running when I was in middle school, and we used to do 5Ks together. I was/am so. dang. proud of her. She really loved it. I vividly remember waking up on weekend mornings to see her finishing up a long run, and thinking how awesome it was that my mom was crushing it in a tough sport. It got me into running, and some of my favorite times with her were when we raced together.
Anon at 12:32 says
thanks for posting this – keeps me motivated to continue
Anon in NYC says
I agree about making plans. Taking a day and sending your kids to daycare (or nanny/school – whatever it is that you’re already paying for!) and doing whatever it is that you want to do can be so restorative.
Also, if you have family nearby, perhaps taking advantage of free babysitting and plan a dinner out with your husband? Get drinks, stay out a little late, and remind yourselves of why you got married in the first place!
My LO is only 1 so I’m not quite at your stage yet, but I also like planning family things for weekends that get us out of our routine – a trip to the zoo, the children’s museum, the botanic gardens, strawberry picking, etc. Something that we (as adults) will enjoy and that she might enjoy.
EB0220 says
Right there with you – mine are 4 and almost 2, with no more babies on the horizon (sniff). One thing I find nice is that there are little changes of routine in our week. On Monday, grandma and grandpa put the kids to bed so I can work out (in a class with adults). On Thursday, I get a babysitter for another workout class and then drinks afterward with friends and my husband. Both of these nights, the babysitters come near bedtime so I don’t miss the evening with the kids. Another thing we’ve been doing as a family is really trying to make a point to do the things that we enjoy, but have done less while the kids were small. For us, it’s camping, biking and other outdoor activities. It’s more work than it was before, but we’re always thrilled when we do make an effort. And when I’m home and the kids are awake, I try to choose time with the kids over random chores. When the kids want to watch a storm roll in from the porch, or have a dance party, I try to abandon the chores. Practicing mindfulness and (incongruous though it may sound) working to minimize the possessions I have to deal with every day have really helped my frame of my mind.
Frozen Peach says
This is all amazing advice, EB0220!!
hoola hoopa says
My primary advice is to acknowledge and accept that what you’re feeling is exactly what it feels like when you have a 2 and 4 year old. I say that because there’s no ‘trick’; you’re not doing anything wrong or missing something that makes it easier. I also say it because it’s *temporary*. The kids will grow up and you’ll find more pockets of time, more sleep, etc. It gets easier, I promise.
I take advantage of daycare coverage and my flexible scheduling at work. I take ‘mental health’ time for my own activities (projects, sleeping, shopping, etc). To connect with my husband, we meet up for lunch on workdays. We also have more energy. We also take PTO on the same day a couple of times a year to do a daytrip.
I also highly recommend doing activities with one kid at a time. I try to do one a week and alternate kids. I schedule the time; they pick the activity; I have zero agenda. It’s nice to be focused on only one kid and to go at their pace. It’s usually tantrum-free and enriching time.
Anonymous says
Believe it or not — try keeping a line a day journal. Just sitting at the end of the day for a minute or two and thinking what was different about today is huge. It even encourages me to try a few new things every now and then just so I know I will have something to write down! Most days are a cute thing kiddo did or maybe that we tried a show on netflix or went for a different walk while running errands, but it makes each day have a little bit more meaning.
Closet Redux says
Bizarre question that makes me wonder if I am missing a taste bud– what is the difference between sour and bitter? Like, how does it FEEL different? What foods are sour and what foods are bitter? I described something to my toddler recently as sour and my friend was like, no, that’s bitter (I think it was about an orange peel) and I realized I have no idea what the difference is.
AIMS says
A lemon is sour and a lemon peel is bitter.
Faye says
I think it’s a very common issue. To me, they’re both unpleasant tastes, but sour is more acidic and bitter is more earthy. So if it’s an acidic food, like citrus or tomatoes or candy, it’s likely sour. If it’s not, like dark chocolate or coffee or aspirin, then it’s likely bitter.
CPA Lady says
Something bitter makes my mouth feel dry and something sour makes my mouth water.
Lkl says
Sour tastes sharp/biting, whereas bitter is a more dull feeling — making your mouth feel dry as others mentioned above.
MomAnon4This says
Lemonade is sour, medicine is bitter. But now medicine is flavored with cherry so it’s sweet.
For bitter, do you drink? Try different kinds of alcohol?
Don’t forget the “new” flavor — umami. Savory.
Oh, and Pluto’s not a planet anymore. #sciencenews
NewMomAnon says
I am now thinking about this….I think we tend to shy away from truly “bitter” food products, whereas “sour” often goes with “sweet” (think Sour Patch Kids, or mojitos). So I bet there are far fewer truly bitter consumables on the market than there are sour ones?
The only one I can think of is baking chocolate or chocolate with cocoa content of 85%+.
anon says
Coffee, tea, grapefruit peel, some vegetables (I’m looking at you, broccoli rabe and endive) are all bitter. But yes, it’s generally reviled more so than sour — I think because in many plants it indicates poison or at least not edible.
CLMom says
Coffee + sweet = Starbucks
AnonMomToday says
I posted late last week about a rough daycare transition. Although it will definitely be a process, there were NO TEARS this morning, and oh my, it just feels so much better that I don’t leave on that note and have that rough good-bye hanging on mood all day! Thanks for the tips, ladies.
hoola hoopa says
woohoo!
MDMom says
Great! Glad to hear it’s getting better.
BoutiqueMeg says
I am 38 weeks pregnant, and I have been surviving on leggings and maxi skirts for most of the 3rd trimester, with some more dressy-business casual items thrown in here and there. (I am short, so I have had a hard time finding maxi dresses that didn’t need to be hemmed, but I can pull up a skirt.) I wear dressy pants and dresses (like nice ones) occasionally, but at this point, I am down to wearing sandals every day because of puffy feet.
My office is business casual during the week (although no specific dress code guidelines), and casual on Friday. I am definitely casual every day at this point; I would normally NEVER wear sandals to office, but I am not buying new pregnancy shoes with less than 2 weeks to my due date. I am holed up in my office drafting a huge brief all day right now, so no clients really see me, and if they did, I still look cute, even if not formal. I still wear makeup, fix my hair, have a nice pedicure, etc. Maybe I am just really lucky (or delusional), but I feel like people are grateful that this far along in my pregnancy I am here working hard and accomplishing things. I feel great and I am getting stuff done, so no one has said anything.