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Have you guys tried the much-loved Transport tote? It’s swimming in good reviews and has a laid-back but put-together vibe about it. The real thing is $168 at Nordstrom, but it’s inspired several similar options at much lower price points, such as this and this. Pictured: Madewell Transport Tote
(L-4)
Sales of note for 9.10.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Extra 40% off sale styles
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- Zappos – 26,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Birthday sale, 40-50% off & extra 20% off select styles
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off all baby; up to 40% off all Halloween
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Extra 30% off sale styles
- Old Navy – 40% off everything
- Target – BOGO 25% off select haircare, up to 25% off floor care items; up to 30% off indoor furniture up to 20% off TVs
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- The concept of “backup care” is so stupid…
- I need tips on managing employees in BigLaw who have to leave for daycare pickup…
- I’m thinking of leaning out to spend more time with my family – how can I find the perfect job for that?
- I’m now a SAHM and my husband needs to step up…
- How can I change my thinking to better recognize some of my husband’s contributions as important, like organizing the shed?
- What are your tips to having a good weekend with kids, especially with little kids? Do you have a set routine or plan?
LMG says
I had a transport tote about two years ago. It didn’t hold up well at all. The straps started to separate, and the monogramming rubbed off, within about a season of daily use. I ended up giving it to a high school girl.
Anonymous4 says
I love this look of this bag, but I really function best with something that I can wear crossbody. Straps that short and I do nothing but try to keep from dropping it.
Tunnel says
I also tend to prefer bags with more of a closure, or else I inevitably end up spilling stuff out of my bag.
In House Counsel says
I’m usually an occasional commenter but wanted to seek some feedback from this great group of working moms. Apologies for the length in advance…
I’ve been practicing law now for 9 yrs and have been in-house for the last 5 yrs. I feel that I have a unicorn job currently that gives me great work life balance, interesting work and challenges and has a good group of people who i work with/report to. However, as I’ve been in my current role for 5 yrs with increasing responsibility (no managerial though) over the years, I’ve been asking about promotions and longer term growth trajectory. This question became more urgent when our department reorganized how work was divided between the attorneys and changed up some reporting lines. After several months of silence, all the junior attorneys including myself were informed earlier this week by our manager that our GC no longer wants to have 5 distinct titles/roles beneath the GC in the legal department and wants to condense it down to 3 titles/roles beneath the GC and does not have any clear metrics for promotions. This would not only mean that I would remain at my current title for longer time than initially apparent when hired but its also not clear what is required for promotion. Our GC apparently believe interim title changes are meaningless but our GC’s perspective is skewed as he has also spent his entire life at this company working up from a legal intern in our parent organization to being GC the last 15 yrs and has little grasp on the market trends in hiring. And many of the senior attys in the other higher titles/roles are lifers at this company.
I’m confused now about what would be wise longer term. I truly love my job and find both the industry and the products I work with fascinating, feel that there is a lot of scope of learning and expanding my skill set here, have an understanding working mom boss, have a good salary and guaranteed bonus and the cherry on the top is that I have fantastic work life balance (rarely work any weekends and can work from home 2x a week which is crucial with a toddler and a preschooler and a hubby with his own demanding career). Its a secure industry and the company has always done well and is on the cutting edge with their products and adapting it for this digital age. However, as I look around at other friends from law school and seeing them progress to other titles and presumably move up the ladder and make more money, I’m wondering if I’m being foolish in not starting to look ASAP or whether I should stick with what works for our life for now. I worry that if I choose to stay put now and then later in 3-5 yrs decide i want a better title/more money, recruiters and other hiring managers may think its odd that I stayed at one title w/o changes for over 8 yrs? Would love some advice esp for those who are in the later stages of their career about how best to plot and plod along.
Navy Attorney says
Caveat I’m currently in the gov’t, but, my first impression is that 8 years is a drop in the bucket over a working life; so many people do an entire career in one position; you have, what, 20-30 more years to work? I also have heard that it’s harder to move up in-house, and your story seems to support that. The only thing you seem to be upset with is lack of title and more money, everything else is good. It sounds like you’re comparing yourself to others; which, granted, is how much of law school and the law firm game is about, but isn’t how all of life works. Who are all of these people who are always getting new titles? Are you just reading LinkedIn updates (to me akin to FB self-promoting) or are you seeing this elsewhere? Sometimes I do see people in the same position but still increase their gravitas by increasingly important positions in bar associations; that could mitigate any problems of staying in one position for 8 years (if that is really a thing; see my initial caveat). I’m interested in others’ thoughts.
JJ says
Do you report directly to the GC? Like you said, there’s a natural ceiling in corporate legal departments – the GC is as high as you’re going to get, essentially. I don’t think I want to (ever) be a GC, so I’m happy to stay reporting directly to the GC for the rest of my career – regardless of what my actual title is.
It all depends on what matters to you. To me, your job sounds ideal and the only issues are titles and possibly money. So many industries have different title conventions that I wouldn’t let it bother you.
In House Counsel says
Thanks for the feedback ladies. I don’t report to the GC. Our prior organization had us corporate counsels (Level 1) reporting to Level 5 (Deputy GC) who reported to the GC. Now thru the reorganization, I report to Associate GC (Level 3) who reports to Deputy (GC) who reports to GC. They’ve decided to cut out levels 2 and 4 and instead keep it as GC –> Level 5 –> Level 3 –> Level 1. I think part of my issue is that I feel that work level I do is now at level 2 rather than level 1 and feel some need for recognition of that whether its a title bump or larger pay bump (less concerned about the $$ but of course its always nice).
As for the titles, I suppose much of it is Linked In or some business cards with more impressive titles at networking gigs. I think another component is that I’ve always been a type A over achiever and I wonder if i’m not setting myself up for the best trajectory overall? I’m also the first in my immigrant family to go into law (mostly all engineers/science/tech where there is a lot of job movement) so I also feel like should i be moving more laterally even if i’m happy with the job and the skill set exposure.
JJ says
My first reaction is that you shouldn’t let perfect be the enemy of good. A lot can happen and a lot of people can leave over time and create openings for your advancement and pay increases, if you like your job/company/coworkers/skill set exposure.
Sometimes when I go through emotions like this (common in Type As, like you said), my husband has to remind me that a job can also just be a job that pays the bills. It doesn’t always have to be a calling.
CLMom says
Caveat, I’m not a lawyer, but the two days working from home count for A LOT, as is having a sympathetic boss.
Perhaps this is a “grass is always greener” moment?
I also feel the need for external/empirical validation. In this scenario, I am not sure how to get it, but hopefully a conversation with your boss and (separately) your husband would help.
Do you know what you want to have accomplished by retirement? That always helps me with career perspective.
MDMom says
I think you are correct in identifying this as a need for external validation. So, OP, I think you should ponder a bit why you feel so strongly that you need this external validation and whether it is something you can let go of. It sounds like your job is a great fit for you. Perhaps you can get the validation elsewhere, like from a position on a non-profit board.
If possible, though, I strongly suggest you learn to live without it. When you are able to stop caring about external validation, it is so freeing. Looking outside of yourself to measure your success is a game you will almost never win. If you really want to change jobs because you don’t think you’ll be happy where you are, that’s different, but that doesn’t sound like your situation. Let yourself be happy!
I know this is easy for me to say because I’m pretty type B to begin with. I am the first in my family to go to graduate school and not many went to college at all. I graduated top 5 pct of my class, law review, etc. I felt some obligation to pursue big law and I don’t know, prove something? But I summered there and hated it immediately. I work for local government and am very happy. The grass doesn’t even look greener.
CPA Lady says
If you weren’t comparing yourself to others would you still be unhappy? Because your job sounds awesome, and I personally think you’d be a little bit crazy to leave just to get a better title. I second Navy Attorney’s idea to get more involved in legal organizations leadership roles. That way you have a good network if you do decide to leave, and are showing “ambition”.
All that said, it’s kind of cheesy, but one of my favorite quotes is “Comparison is the thief of joy.” Don’t leave an amazing job just because of what other people around you are doing.
EB0220 says
I’m in a different industry, but I have to admit that I’ve started totally ignoring peoples’ titles. I have run across too many companies that give out director titles to anyone who can breathe, I swear. My company has a pretty flat management structure, so I know that my promo track isn’t going to be as fast here. But I have a good salary, interesting work, great work-life balance and amazing benefits. So I’m staying put for now. Since you have a good relationship with your manager, I would suggest having a candid suggestion and sharing with her what you told us. You love the work, people, etc but are somewhat concerned that the consolidation of the job titles gives people less chance for promotion and visible advancement. I would certainly be receptive to this if one of my employees approach the conversation in that way. My two cents, but often managers don’t realize that you need more recognition or have particular concerns unless you say something.
Clementine says
Yeah- also in another industry, also really ignore people’s titles. In my org, the hierarchy goes something like ‘Teapot Analyst>Senior Spout Analyst>Associate Teapot Analyst>Principal Teapot Analyst>Chief Spout Analyst” with no real relevance outside of my specific office.
Another organization in the industry uses titles like ‘Teapot Analytics Specialist 1/2/3>Assistant Director of Teapot Operations>President of Teapot Operations. It makes zero sense.
Betty says
I’m also in house and tend to ignore the titles of other in house counsel. At one of our “peer” companies, everyone is given the AVP or SVP title in their law shop, which is not how my company handles titles. I have a peer at my company who has “senior” in her title due to her years at the company, but she and I have the same responsibilities.
MiamiGal says
Your job sounds pretty great. One suggestion would be to start tracking your accomplishments for each year so you have a clear record of your increasing responsibility that you can share with current boss to advocate for more money or show future employers if you decide to look for a new job
BetterTherapist says
I would love to hear some smart women’s thinking on whether I need a better/different therapist.
Long and only mildly relevant backstory: I had some pretty bad PPD/Anxiety, and went through hell trying to find a therapist who was not actively terrible. Like, taking a “tough love” approach, aggressively promoting jesus as the answer, or literally berating me for not responding assertively enough to the doctors while I was in labor (after that session, which I stormed out of, I had my first ever panic attack!)… So now I see someone who is kind and helpful, but:
I have told her that I want to stop being upset about the emergency c-section I had. Her response is that I can’t change that that’s how I feel, but I can learn to deal with those feelings. But it was a year and a half ago and I want to be able to look at a picture of my friend holding her new baby and only cry *happy* tears; I want to be able to think about having another without feeling sad and defeated and broken; I don’t want to feel like such a failure.
It probably doesn’t help that Therapist has told me that she had two c-sections (one emergency, next one planned) and so I hesitate a bit to tell her how bad I feel about it, lest she should take that personally.
It seems like the answer is that I need to advocate for myself better in therapy, but I want therapy to be a place I don’t *have* to advocate for myself.
Advice?
Anony says
I think your goals for therapy may be a bit unrealistic. Your therapist is right that you can’t just learn to not be upset by something traumatic; the goal of therapy is for you to process those feelings in a better way. That being said, stop worrying about her personal feelings and don’t hold back. Therapy doesn’t work if you don’t share what’s on your mind.
Lkl says
It strikes me that this may be an issue of semantics between you and your therapist. Have you told her that your goals are what you’ve listed here — to be happy when looking at the photo, to happily think about having another baby; not to feel like a failure? Getting to that point may be what she means by dealing with the feelings. I’d try to run this out a bit before moving on, especially if she is kind and helpful in general.
BirthEnvy says
I don’t have any advice about the therapist, but I wanted to respond to your feelings regarding your emergency c-section. I, too, had an unplanned, emergency c-section, and I felt that it was something that I was bullied into. It was nearly 2 years ago, and I am still upset about how everything occurred because I feel as if it didn’t have to be that way. Now that I’m pregnant with my second, I’m angry that my primary c-section requires me to have VBAC consultations and that I’ll have to sign a waiver when I’m ultimately admitted while in labor. I cry when I hear about women who end up giving birth on the side of the road, because I’m jealous that I didn’t get that opportunity. End up with a terrible tear? Yep, I’m jealous of that, too. It didn’t help that family and friends made inconsiderate comments about my section, or told me to get over it because I should be grateful that we’re all healthy.
I’m not against c-sections — they can truly save lives, and I’m thankful that the option exists. But mine interfered with my ability to bond with my child in those early days, and time hasn’t quite healed those emotional wounds. I can’t even drive by the hospital without feeling panicky.
I haven’t sought therapy, but I have looked into going to ICAN meetings. Maybe your local chapter can suggest a therapist that understands? I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in your feelings.
Anonymous4 says
I want to jump in on this. My first was an emergency c-section as well – one that resulted in no option for VBAC. I will never have a natural birth. It took two years of processing to get to a point where I was able to be grateful for the option of a healthy birth for my second. It has now been over 4 years, and I still have times I weep over something lost that I greatly desired. I’m jealous of women who can have the natural birth I desired, and I’m angry that option was taken away from me. These feelings are much less than at first, but they are something I live with. They no longer impact my behaviors, which is why I consider myself to be in a healthy place.
OP, you are grieving the loss of something that mattered to you. Grief is an appropriate response to this.
A good therapist will help to you grieve appropriately, to the point that you will be able to accept that your desired birth plan was lost. Grief is hard, it has no timeline, and it isn’t linear. A therapist who understands this grief and can help you process and accept your grief will be a great asset to you.
(was) due in June says
I’ve been to a lot of therapy over the years. Every therapist I’ve seen would agree that you can’t change the way you feel and what you’re learning is how to process those feelings and come to a place where negative feelings don’t negatively affect you anymore in a way that interferes with your life.
You may always be upset about your emergency c-section. What therapy can do is help you with looking at that picture of your friend and only cry happy tears because you’ve learned to come to a place of acceptance about your negative feelings about your emergency c-section, if that makes sense. Like, your negative feelings won’t be as intense and overwhelming anymore, but they may always be negative.
A therapist can also help you process all your negative feelings surrounding the thought of being pregnant again.
Don’t worry about your therapist’s feelings. There is nothing you can say to a (good) therapist that they will take personally, and if they DO take it personally, they have their OWN therapist for that. Your role as a patient is absolutely not to protect your therapists feelings by avoiding talking about how YOU are feeling. If you can’t be honest with your therapist, if you don’t trust your therapist and the safe place your therapist creates for you, your therapy isn’t going to get much of anywhere.
Anonymous says
Ok, so while I didn’t have a C, I had a pretty traumatic birth (vacuum style) experience, so take this with a grain of salt, but I think it may actually be a good thing that your therapist has experienced Cs herself. Since I haven’t had one, I realize that I don’t get it. But I understand from reading on here and speaking with friends that it can be really traumatizing. I agree with the others above that sharing your specific goals with her may be helpful in reaching a place of acceptance. Which is really what therapy is for (not erasing memories or changing them).
BetterTherapist says
Thanks for the advice and sympathy and reality checks!
You are making me wonder if we’re talking past each other. I don’t think I’ll start to think “wow that was great!” but rather like “yeah that was upsetting” in a way that doesn’t make me feel so upset *now.* Processing the feelings differently, or something. I guess that’s what “acceptance” means? Maybe I need to bring it up again and use the specific example of crying at pictures of my friends and their new babies, etc.
BirthEnvy, it’s a relief, in a way, to hear you say all that. Very similar feelings. I’m a little scared of ICAN because what if they just make me feel worse?
Meg Murry says
Yes, I think you are talking past each other, and that you are using different words to mean the same (or similar) thing. I think what she is saying is that you’ll never *not* be a little bit upset about it, but that over time you can learn to accept that and feel happy and sad at the same time, and the upset won’t be so overwhelming anymore.
The last therapist I saw was more into setting short term goals, trying to reach those, and then moving to the next one. So your it sounds like your therapist’s goal right now is helping you deal with the anger/upset, and then to move past it. Once you do that, you can move on to the next goal. Does that make sense?
Also, unfortunately, my experience has been that sometimes you feel a little worse in therapy before you start to feel better, because you are talking about and dealing with feelings that you usually try to shove down or ignore. Obviously, the panic attack situation was not ok and going too far, but don’t be surprised if you come out of some therapy sessions feeling a little worse and worn out from the crying and/or emotions, not better – you’ll often feel better in a few days, but terrible initially.
Hugs to you. It’s so hard when you finally try to get help and when you try you hit even more roadblocks like trying to find a therapist you click with that has hours you can work with and isn’t going to cost a million dollars.
Clementine says
A good therapist has been key to helping me feel, well, not ‘totally great!’ but ‘better’ which has been awesome.
Let me say once and for all- Your feelings are valid, because they are yours and they are your truth.
I didn’t have a c-section, but I did deal with a traumatic post-birth experience (emergency hysterectomy! Wheee! I can finally say it out loud without tearing up! yay therapy!). I went to a therapist who specializes in trauma and she has been literally life-changing. I’ve done some EMDR which has really helped me out.
I sort of had a revelation while watching an old episode of The West Wing. In that episode, one of the characters is talking to a trauma therapist and the therapist says to him, ‘The goal is to get you to remember what happened without reliving it.’ For a while, every time I saw a pregnant woman or drove past the exit on the highway that my doctor’s office was or a million other things, I relived my trauma. It sucked. It really sucked. My therapist has helped me not relive it while still making sure I reminded myself that it’s okay to grieve for your losses (in this case, the birth you thought you’d had) while helping me figure out how to work through all my feelings. If you don’t feel like yours is doing that, maybe you should try someone else. It’s worth paying good money for.
TL;DR: A good therapist has changed my life for the better and if you’re not happy with yours, try someone new.
Anon in NYC says
I think this is great advice. I have a friend who had a traumatic labor/post-birth experience. In her case, something went wrong at the hospital and her newborn had to spend a few months in a children’s hospital. It obviously upended her and her husband’s lives. Fortunately her child is now fine, but she saw/is seeing a therapist who specialized in trauma.
Clementine says
Oh! Also, just as a random note. I know that there are some doulas who specialize in VBAC/repeat C-sections. My doula was active in ICAN and really helped a friend through a planned but unwanted c-section (friend was really bummed, doula helped her take control of the situation and turned it into a real positive).
Clementine says
And also, please note from this thread that you are not alone in having a sadness when you see baby photos.
I can never, ever give birth to another child. Period. There is no way. That’s my invisible (and also literal) scar. People don’t know. Likewise, people don’t know about your set of experiences. It’s not an excuse for people to make idiotic comments (which hurt!), moreso an acknowledgement of the truth I have seen.
People can be absolute morons when they make comments to you- whether it’s my big ouch, ‘You’ll be pregnant with another before you know it!’ or ‘When are you going to give Baby Clem a little brother or sister’ or ‘You going to try for a boy/girl?’ or it’s my friend who had a traumatic c-section’s worst one ‘At least you didn’t have to go through labor! That was the WORST!’
Butter says
So funny, I was going to recommend EMDR too (I have experience with trauma but not birth-related). If you did experience trauma and have anxiety or fear when thinking about the experience or encountering a trigger, I definitely recommend it. I do think it’s trauma-specific and not so much about dealing with sadness, which might be a bigger bear to deal with in some ways.
I will say that something that helped me in addition to EMDR was running while thinking about the verybadawful thing. There’s some science behind it that I don’t totally understand, but essentially because your body is physically at work doing other things, it can’t use energy to get all wrapped up in being anxious. It also allows your mind to unwind while you’re doing it, and to feel strong and empowered while wrestling with the issue. Just a thought, since that was a cheap and relatively easy thing that worked for me.
BetterTherapist says
Wow, I am so heartened by the kind comments received here. You all have given me a lot to think about and some direction in how to talk about this with my therapist next week — and a good amount of hope. Thank you!
Another Thought says
I also want to chime in about the really awful therapist that you walked out on and had a panic attack after. I’m not trying to belittle your experience because that sounds AWFUL. I just want to try to explain what he or she may have been doing. There is a type of therapy for people that feel irrational guilt over situations they couldn’t control (survivor guilt in particular) where you ask pointed questions to get the person to see why the outcome that happened was.not.their.fault! Your therapist might have asked “why didn’t you do X?” so that you would say “i was drugged, I was exhausted, they wouldn’t listen, it would have been unsafe” whatever your reason was and then talk through those reasons about why they were the “Right” choice for you or for that moment or for any rational person to help lessen guilt. If that is what your therapist was trying to do then he/she should have phoned or sent a letter explaining in follow up after you left or else it leaves more trauma instead of closure.
A friend had to go through similar therapy as part of an on-duty shooting (he’s a cop and shot an active shooter. Despite it being clearly “right” he still had guilt). So his therapist would say why didn’t you tackle him? And he’d say “he would have shot three people before I reached him and he would have shot me too.” Then after all of the “why didn’t yous” they would conclude that he had no other choice and should feel no guilt and in fact should feel guilt if he DIDN’T do it.
So in your case, going against medical advice could have hurt you or your baby. You didn’t know then it may have been bad medical advice. You did what you had to do.
BetterTherapist says
Oh interesting!
I wish I could say something positive about this woman, but I think she was really just BAD. She told me a very long, inappropriately personal story about her own life, and was saying, “If it was MY daughter’s safety on the line, there’s NO WAY I would’ve let anyone put her at risk! I would’ve said to the doctors [blah blah blah]” like, telling me about how much better I could’ve handled it by telling me that SHE would’ve done it much better. She also told me that I was a bad mom for taking medication (Zoloft! so safe! and I was on a very low dose!) while I was nursing. Man she was the worst.
(was) due in June says
That’s a bad bad therapist. Fail.
MomAnon4This says
Can you ask your ob-gyne for a list of specialists in PPD or bad birth experiences? Or ask around locally if there’s an advice group on FB or something.
And it’s ok to choose bad therapists. But WHEN you find one you do click with — ask to review your theraist-criteria :) My goodness that’s too many bad experiences for such a short period of time. Hugs.
BetterTherapist says
I tried to ask my ob-gyn (because I <3 her!), and the office staff told me I was too far out from my kid's birth to have PPD (??? How do you know I haven't been depressed for a year???) and, because I am a mature woman in total control of myself, I yelled, "Fine then I won't get help!" and hung up the phone and cried. (And then later got it together to get some help.)
Anon says
I don’t have children but I see many women being upset about the c-section they had. I want to understand why is it so upsetting?For background, I am Indian and I grew up in India. So I want to know if there is something cultural here.
Me and my sister were born via a c-section. My aunt with whom I am very close to also had two c-sections. I have never heard them feeling weak, unfeminine, broken or any negative feelings attached to it. I have a close friend (Indian but had her child here) who also had an emergency c-section. She hates that they took so long to diagnose that it was an emergency and her son experienced fetal distress and was in NICU for three weeks. Other than that, no disappointment with c-section itself. She told me that for her next child, she will have a scheduled c-section. I don’t think I will feel sad/upset/disappointed/inadequate if I had to have child via c-section. So just wondering why it is so upsetting for many women here.
Anonymous says
I can’t really answer this as I had two natural births, but I’ll say that even with those, it was intensely upsetting to feel like the medical staff wasn’t listening to me and I wasnt in control of the situation (because obviously not in the best, most rational frame of mind to self-advocate in the middle of intense labor). In the case of an emergency C, I can only imagine that out-of-control feeling is magnified. It’s not something I experience in my day to day life, because I’m smart and I generally have my $hit together. People don’t walk all over me in real life, so feeling pushed around when I’m half naked and in pain was adding insult to injury. I didn’t have the traumatic experiences others here have described, but I definitely still have negative feelings about my hospital births.
I have a friend who is very traumatized by her emergency C because, in her words, it made her feel like a failure as a woman to know that modern medicine is the only reason she and her child are alive. She’s thankful, of course, but still very upset almost a year later. I think I understand that it is scary and humbling to think that your body literally could not do something that is held up as “the most natural thing in the world.” That aspect I suspect is cultural. it requires a culture in which childbirth is perceived as safe and routine. This may be way off base, but I imagine the widespread poverty and lack of access to medical care for many in India keeps the cultural narrative of childbirth in the realm of “scary and unpredictable” even among people who do have means.
BetterTherapist says
I had educated myself a lot, to get over my initial fear of birth. I spent a lot of time psyching myself up about how “my body is strong and capable” and “my body can do this!” and “I will do what is best for my baby” and “this is the most natural thing in the world.” I read a lot about feeling strong and empowered and like your body was *yours* as you went through labor. I was also even psyched up to self-advocate as necessary. I got my husband to read books, I did so many squats and stretches, my ob-gyn was an osteopath who had trained with midwives, I hired a doula for gods sake. I really though I was ready to handle a more-or-less normal birth. And there was nothing very abnormal about mine!
I think that because I had framed vaginal birth as this peak expression of my natural femininity and strength, when it was like, “well because you slutted around in your youth and are HPV+, you have to be induced and the baby must be out of you 24 hours and 0 minutes after your water broke” and then watching everyone sort of peel off in their belief in my ability to get it done (doula wasn’t there for the first half of my labor, and was not particularly engaged in the second half; doctors were like “eh whatever she’s not delivering this baby vaginally”; husband was just scared, i think, etc.) well, it made me feel like a failure. I prepared a lot, I tried to stack the deck in my favor, I thought I was empowered, and then everyone was like, “hahah, yeah, no, you can’t do this, how silly that you felt empowered.” It felt like the medical staff in particular just checked out, and instead of wasting more of their day on my labor decided to send me to surgery.
And the surgery itself was really scary.
And I have ZERO confidence in my ability to handle the whole thing again. There’s just no situation I can imagine where it wouldn’t be horrifically scary.
I don’t know, does that answer your question? (I suspect other women have wildly different answers, but that’s mine.)
BetterTherapist says
Well, I tried to answer this (it was a novel, eesh) but it might be in moderation forever because I used the word v*g*n*l to describe that kind of birth … intentionally, even! because I didn’t want to say “natural birth” or “normal birth” or whatever.
Dance? says
The local ballet company has classes for my daughter’s age group, which is about the age that I started to dance as a young girl (3-5). I danced until 12, when I broke my arm and then moved into more team sports (soccer). I enjoyed dancing and learned a great deal, and I know many do, but I truly struggle with starting my daughter in a sport that can be so body conscious and focused on appearance. Am I overthinking this? Any thoughts?
dance??? says
I’m interested in seeing responses. It looks like my toddler DD is going to be built to be below-average weight and of average height. She also seems to really like music. Dance seems like an option that she may be naturally inclined towards and also physically predisposed to do well in (assuming she likes it). But having had a couple of friends in middle school and high school who were really into ballet, and having seen their damaged feet, and heard what terrible things their teachers said about weight/body to them, and about their classmates’ eating disorders (cotton balls soaked in milk?!), I am really, really disinclined to let DD anywhere near ballet.
Anonymous says
I danced for several years, but never really got “good” and though I danced en pointe and everything, I quit at about 13 to do more team sports. And here’s what I’ve got say about that — running cross-country gave me a nasty eating disorder. You can’t save your child from all issues by keeping them from trying reasonable things. Honestly, if I’d continued to dance, I think people would have caught on sooner, as it’s so much more prevalent. In my sport, it was less common (though still pretty rampant), so it was a lot more likely to be overlooked.
SoCalAtty says
This was my exact experience! I didn’t quit altogether, but dropped the pointe / jazz and focused on tap / hip hop. It wasn’t dance that got me – it was the figure skating. I think this can be an issue in any sport so better to just let them do what they like and focus on prevention.
Anonymous says
With the caveat that I never progressed beyond the ballet-tap-jazz classes that I feel like 80% of little girls take, I do think you’re overthinking at this point.
My opinion is, kids don’t know what they like until they try it, and there’s really nothing to be lost by trying anything in the 3-5 age range. If you have the time and money to get them into group activities, why not? Obviously for anything you’re going to want to observe some classes and make sure the environment is a positive one. But your kid will either like it or not, and want to continue or not, and it’s borrowing trouble to start worrying about ANY sport/activity’s affect 5-10 years in advance.
Different slant, but my kiddo is super into sports, and my husband really likes hockey and wants to get him started on that. Hockey is expensive, not available through schools in our area, so the practices are obscenely early in the morning and to play at a high level you need to invest even more time and money on a travel team. I’m dreading that possibility, but it’s not going to keep me from letting my husband sign my son up for the “learn to skate” class at our local rink. We’ll cross the other bridges if/when we come to them.
Navy Attorney says
There’s an AmEx commercial that goes on and on about how travel teams are so awful for the parents (time/money suck/ruining weekends), but then say “teaching teamwork is worth it”! Such an odd commercial to tout the negatives so heavily.
Anonymous says
I hate that commercial! I feel like it also makes the moms look like crazy stage moms pushing their kids too hard.
Anonymous says
I took dance classes for years and never had any body issues. I wasn’t a thin kid, either. I was kind of chubby. Maybe that saved me. I was never really good enough for it to matter, so I just did it because I liked it.
NewMomAnon says
So, I had an interview this morning, and I think my gut reaction is “no.” I currently work very few evenings and weekends, with little travel. This position would be a shift to regional office of a large New York firm, and the interviewer was blunt that he expects quick turnarounds and occasionally has huge deals that require all nighters, with 5-10 hours of work expected each weekend. BUT it would double my paycheck, give me benefits, and give me the name of a big law firm on my resume.
I think the interviewer was uncertain about my time capacity to handle the workload, but wanted to leave the decision to me – he suggested I think on it and follow up next week.
I had a few other concerns; I would be working with a team almost entirely via telephone, in a nearly empty office (so teleworking is an option, but I’m not good at that). I rely on my coworkers now to be a connection to the adult world and I think I would be lonely/undermotivated being left alone. And the interviewer (who would be my boss) had professional goals that are not at all in line with my own; perfection, maximizing bonus money, immediate response time. I am nervous that I would live in a constant state of anxiety with those types of pressures at work. I also don’t see much ability to parlay the position into an in-house position or even back to a regional firm, since the area of law is very specialized.
But….I’m struggling about how to turn down so much money.
Spirograph says
My gut reaction to this kind of opportunity would be no, too. Like you, I would not be good at telework, I’m too easily distracted at home, and consider my job my “adult time” so would miss having coworkers around. Plus, I have realized that I have a finite capacity for stress, and those kinds of deadlines and weekend hours would push me over the edge — my work, my parenting, and/or my mental health would suffer badly.
Do you need the money? Whenever I’ve had to consider a job with better pay but that didn’t sound like fun, it helped me to remember all the research that says there’s a minimum amount of money that people “need” to be happy (eg, the amount that takes care of their actual needs and keeps worry at bay). Above and beyond that, the net gain in happiness is really, really minimal. Definitely less than the -loss- in happiness I think you could reasonably anticipate with that kind of lifestyle change. It’s totally OK to pat yourself on the back for being offered that kind of position and then turn it down!
NewMomAnon says
Right now I’m having to dig into savings a little bit each month (like, a few hundred dollars) because rent plus therapy plus daycare is hella expensive. Doubling my salary would mean I could start contributing to a retirement account again, sock away some savings to replace what I’ve been spending, and have more budget flexibility for my next living arrangement.
But yeah, I don’t *need* the money (we can afford to eat, I can pay rent, our shoes aren’t full of holes, it’s all OK), and I know from experience that having repeat unexpected intrusions into my time really makes me anxious and causes my general work performance to suffer.
I was also a little scared off because the interviewer kept talking about how I would need to “focus” and put aside all those “distracting hobbies” if I wanted to make it in this field….but not my kid, obviously not that, would have to pay attention to her. But, it turns out that parenting is hugely distracting and I’m worried I would immediately let him down the first night I get less than 6 hours of sleep.
EB0220 says
Wow, I would not want to work for this person.
SoCalAtty says
Seconded. Nope nope nope. I left that type of job to go in-house. I’d love that salary back. I’d never be able to handle it, but then again mine is only 9 months old. But it sounds like a nope.
Anonymous says
What is your family/partner support situation like? I do this, and its killing me (both in terms of no sleep and being sad not to see my family enough), and I have a husband who takes on the brunt of the work at home and have grandparents nearby. (I’m in the midst of a difficult month, though, so maybe take my thoughts with a grain of salt.)
EB0220 says
I wouldn’t do it. I actually don’t mind the telework part, but I did that for years successfully. The unpredictable and sometimes heavy hours, especially weekends, would be a deal-breaker for me.
Frozen Peach says
I used to have a job almost exactly like what you described. When you’re evaluating the money, factor in therapy, all meals as takeout, possible anxiety meds, a dog walker, extra childcare for weekends, and the various things you will need to do to make it up to your family and friends that you frequently miss major events with no notice beforehand. Being another office’s “work gets done” hotline is unbelievably miserable. They don’t have to even treat you as basically human, because you’re invisible to them.
RUN. RUN RUN RUN.
Betty says
+1. And the 6 months that you will need to take off of work totally to recover from this job. This was my biglaw job that I left. The money sounds glorious and the extra requirements don’t sound *too* terrible, but think about those 5-10 hours on the weekend: When would you do them? Would you have a say in when they occur? What if they occur every Saturday morning (or other golden family/get stuff done time)? Does 10 hours mean 10 billable hours (that translates more into a 12 hour workday)? Also, all nighters are one thing as a 1st year associate with no kids but man do they kill me now in my mid-30s with 2 kids. And quick turnarounds means saying no at the last minute to things that you really want to do. If I were in your shoes, I would say no.
Carrie M says
+1 on all nighters being much harder with kids and in my 30s.
I agree with everyone else – my response would be no.
Navy Attorney says
+1. Other costs – money for grocery delivery, laundry service, nanny, dry cleaning delivery, maid, plus all of the time coordinating that. Sounds like an anxiety bomb. I’m sure you have precious few “hobbies” (cleaning up after kid LOL) to give up, so what would give?
TK says
How exciting to have had an interview, congrats!
I say no too. More money is nice, but doing this job well will require additional actual costs (more meals out, more childcare costs) and emotional / social costs (less predictable schedule with the kid, stress of working on the weekend, etc.)
There will be other opportunities. I’d pass on this one and feel confident that other better offers are on the horizon.
Anon in NYC says
100% agreed. This person/job does not sound reasonable. And considering other factors – solo parenting, for starters – I’m just not sure that this is worth it. I think it would be really hard to do this with a very supportive partner, let alone a child. I’ve had my fair share of biglaw craziness and I don’t care to repeat it, no matter how much I miss the money.
But AWESOME that you had an interview! Congrats! It’s such a confidence boost to know that your skills and background are desirable to employers.
Anons says
No, don’t do this. Totally reasonable to want or even need more money, but all the red flags here say it wouldn’t be worth it for this job. Use this experience to help define the trade-offs that you would be willing to make for more money and start taking steps towards that type of job. Don’t take this one just for the money. It normally works out that everything that sounds bad will be 10X worse once you actually start the job.
NewMomAnon says
Thank you all! These responses and a weekend of good sleep and time with my kiddo have me convinced that no amount of money could get me into a position like that (well, maybe two million dollars a year…so I could work for a year and then retire for the next 10).