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I used these picture ledges for decorating my son’s room, and it’s one of my favorite parts of the space. We bought three and hung them staggered on the wall above his changing table, and I’ve seen photos on Pinterest of people using them to create multiple shelves up and down a space that normally could not be used for anything else. The covers of children’s books are so fun and beautiful that it really is such a great addition to his room — I love that the books are not hidden away on a shelf and are displayed like art. There are more expensive versions of these shelves from other places, but when IKEA makes them, why buy anything else? The 21.75″ shelf is $9.99, and the 45.25″ shelf is $12.99. Mosslanda Picture Ledge
Cb says
We used the IKEA FLISAT to put up children’s books at the end of our hallway. The space was too narrow to put anything more substantial and it looks really cheerful and nice. However, our painter reinforced them when he rehung them – apparently children try and climb them?
AIMS says
I am probably being irrational but I’ve barely hung up anything in my kids’ room because I am afraid of it falling on them. Like I’d love to put up stuff on the wall above kid’s bed but what if it falls? What’s the solution? Just use glass-free canvas art? We have some really pretty prints for their room that are in glass frames… I think if I or Mr. AIMS were more handy we wouldn’t be this concerned but our skills with a hammer are always a bit random when successful.
Annie says
We don’t hang anything over the bed for that reason, but taskrabbit is your answer for someone to come and hang things securely.
Anonymous says
Hang on the other three walls? I avoid directly above the crib (or head of the bed) but wouldn’t avoid hanging stuff elsewhere in the room.
AIMS says
We’re moving baby into older kid’s room soon so waiting to finish that before doing anything since may need to reconfigure the space a bit. But as is crib will be on one wall, kid’s bed on another and window takes up almost the full width of the room so that leaves only one wall. I guess it won’t look weird but just need to semi-finalize the plans before getting the hammer out.
ER says
We live in California, so we definitely don’t hang anything heavy over cribs and toddler beds. However, we’ve found that space is great for preschool / daycare artwork! We also have a small quilt that is hung above my toddler’s bed.
ER says
And just to clarify – we just hang up the artwork with blue painter’s tape. Nothing framed or anything like that.
KW says
This was my concern too. I bought ceramic letters to spell out DD’s name when she was a newborn but never hung them on her wall because I was afraid they would fall on her. My solution now that I’m pregnant with #2 is those acrylic sticky letters and maybe a corresponding design to go on the wall above the crib and/or changing table.
CCLA says
Depending on the weight of the items, the command velcro picture hanging strips (not the regular command ones, the special velcro ones) often seem more secure to me than a simple nail, especially if you use more than the recommended number of strips. We still avoid hanging over the crib, but otherwise feel confident they’ll stay put. Bonus – no handyperson skills required except maybe a level!
AIMS says
Yesterday’s question about parenting styles got me thinking about this vis a vis food. My 2.5 y.o. has pretty good eating habits largely from the fact that she’s still at home and we cook for her 90 percent of the time. But as she’s getting older, it’s getting harder to avoid the pull of junk food or certain other foods that we’d just rather she not have. For example, we make pancakes but don’t put butter and syrup on them because she likes them as is so why introduce something unhealthy at this point? But, then, at a family member’s house they made pancakes and then told her about how you have to eat them with syrup and that’s what she wants now. Another example is birthday parties. We made it this far without drinking any juice, but now all the kids drink juice boxes at parties and she wants one too. Even our pediatrician doesn’t help – we went in for an appointment and they offered her a lollipop – which up to now she didn’t know existed! I know this is a losing battle and eventually she will find out about all these things. I guess my question is how do you navigate this space? Should we just accept that she’ll be exposed to this stuff and just try to limit it to parties and special occasions? How do you tell your kid that they can’t have something without sounding judgmental about it? Like, I can say “no, you can’t try beer because it’s just for grownups” but is there a version of that for other kids that would be appropriate?
Anonymous says
You let her be a normal kid who learns it’s okay to eat what you are seand bed at parties and at other people’s houses and at home you reinforce that just because something is okay for a special occasion doesn’t mean it’s an everyday at home food. And you also remind yourself that perfection isn’t the goal. Someone else is reading this thinking “pancakes?!? Why? Zero nutritional value” and that’s also fine. Just like juice boxes at a Birthday are fine.
Anonymous says
We just say ‘some foods are treats and it’s not healthy for our bodies to have them everyday.’ ‘Healthy foods give us energy to run and play and grow big’ but junk foods are yummy but don’t help our bodies’ kind of messaging. Example of sugar making holes in your teeth helped. Kids know that dentist visits are for the dentist to check if your teeth are health or if they have holes from too much sugar. Grandma was helpful in making a big deal about it when she had to get a cavity filled.
I went to high school with a kid whose mom totally prohibited junk food – kid used to save all her money and gorge on junk food at school or whenever else her mom wasn’t around. Moderation is key I think.
We do juice and cake at birthday parties. No juice or cake at home on a regular basis. I wouldn’t be bothered by a lollipop at the doctor. We don’t do butter on pancakes but kids can pick 2 table spoons of syrup or jam. But we also do pancakes as more of a treat food.
avocado says
For anyone who’d like to make pancakes a real food and not a treat: Try Kodiak Cakes mix. High-protein, whole-grain, very little sugar, and amazingly delicious. You can make it with water or with milk and/or eggs for extra nutrition. It’s available at Target.
rosie says
Thanks for the recommendation. I’ve seen the mix in the store and wondered how it was.
KateMiddletown says
Love Kodiak cakes. And thank you for your thoughtful answer yesterday!
Em says
+1 and you can add fruit to the mix.
Anonymous says
You can label all sugary drinks, condiments, and foods “treats” and limit them however you choose–special occasions only, once a week, one per day, etc. This strategy has worked very well for us. “We aren’t going to have juice now because we are planning to have ice cream after dinner, and that’s our treat for today.”
Re. syrup, we put about a tablespoon of it in a sauce dish and use it as a dip instead of pouring it over the pancakes or waffles. It goes much farther that way.
anon says
Accept that she will be exposed to this stuff outside the house. Unless she has an allergy she will have this stuff. However, you are still the parents and can have a rule. A lot of families say you need to pick one sugar choice during a party so maybe not juice box, lollipop and cupcake, and instead just have water and a cupcake at the end.
You don’t need to buy the stuff at your house. For the pancakes just say “we don’t have syrup. You can either eat the pancakes without syrup or not.”
I will say that growing up my family was very close to another family where the mom who allowed ZERO sweets/desserts. And those girls would come over to our house on special occasions like birthdays and just pig out on the cake and get sick. And fill their pockets with candy at others houses and hoard it away. They always had a secret stash from their mom. They all have crazy body image problems and eating disorders now. I think there is a balance.
I grew up with fond memories of making strawberry cobbler with my grandma every summer at the cabin, or making Christmas cookies with my mom. We didn’t have juice daily, we didn’t have cookies daily, we didn’t have processed food or soda or eat out at fast food. I still never have had McDonalds and most places like that. But my dad did make waffles every Saturday with real maple syrup that we would pick up in the UP when going to the cabin every summer. And when my grandparents came into town to stay with us they would walk us over to the bakery to pick up donut holes. I think teaching balance is the most important lesson. Teach your child to have a healthy relationship with food. Teach that sugar is a treat that shouldn’t be enjoyed everyday but for special times is okay.
avocado says
We’ve allowed sweets and sugary drinks in moderation, not every day. Perhaps as a result, my daughter has never felt the need to overindulge in treats. She will turn down a treat if it’s not something she really wants or if she’s already full. She almost never finishes a whole serving of dessert unless she is legitimately hungry. She doesn’t get upset when we tell her she can’t keep an entire pillowcase full of Halloween candy. I think it’s because she doesn’t feel the pressure scarcity–she knows that this is not going to be her only opportunity to have a treat in the foreseeable future, so she doesn’t feel obligated to gobble up whatever sugary thing is in front of her now in case it’s the last treat she ever gets.
avocado says
Also, if you feed your child mostly high-quality treats (real maple syrup, dark chocolate, homemade cake, super premium ice cream), you may be able to ruin her palate for run-of-the-mill junk food. At least this has been our experience.
Anonymous says
This is me. I love real maple syrup. And swiss chocolate.
One of my kids though has the palate of a trash compactor and would eat a roll of paper towels if you dipped it in Log Cabin.
Anonymous says
This is amazing advice. I love high quality food (but totally cheat – I’m in the camp that it’s about balance), and my kiddo has mostly only had super dark chocolate at this point ;)
Redux says
A roll of paper towels dipped in Log Cabin made me LOL!
shortperson says
i give my kid a square of super dark chocolate every day for this reason. she is happy w some junk food but doesnt eat a ton. and she thinks hersheys kisses are gross. so do i.
anon for this says
Yeah, I struggled with food issues and disordered eating for a long time and it wasn’t until after I had my child that I felt like I could make peace with my body.
We don’t regularly keep lots of junk food in the house like chips, cookies, sugary cereals, etc. because I know that for certain foods I will eat them until they are gone. Dessert isn’t something that is a regular part of our meals at home and I don’t buy juice. But, that’s not to say that we don’t have treats when we are out and we will keep ice cream in the freezer and left over candy in a drawer. If my kid asks for those things, I’ll let him have them, but he doesn’t ask for them all that often. So far it seems to be a good balance.
Anonymous says
I don’t buy juice b/c it is sticky and tends to wander away from the kitchen or get spilled everywhere. I only buy juice boxes that are the capri sun waters and even then they only are allowed outside or at the park. One kid really only drinks water (but has a banana problem . . .).
Mommy hates sugary messes, sweetie, not the actual sugar.
Anonymous says
Pancakes are a PITA to make and cleanup after making, so they and syrup appear around Christmas and if we have a restaurant breakfast (travel, also near holidays). So little risk of it becoming a 24/7 thing (and things that you overindulge in, my kids and I tend to stay away from for a season or two after). I think we tend towards moderation, so denying something that is pretty common is really, really likely to backfire. And girls and eating issues — no thanks! I want them to see food as fuel and that things in moderation are going to be OK.
AIMS says
I totally accept it! And we don’t deny treats (see: pancakes). My issue is mainly with processed food. Like I make pancakes or some other special breakfast as a family thing once a week but I make it from flour and eggs and whatever. We also bake cookies and the like. I guess I was just hoping to avoid the more processed stuff like chips and juice and soda. I think I just have to deal with my kid asking for it and saying “no, it’s a treat.” It’s just been a lot of family events and bday parties lately so it feels a lot like the whole situation has gotten a bit out of control. Thanks all!
avocado says
I think every single kid goes through a phase of asking for junk food all the time around that age, because that’s when they are first exposed to it. If you hold the line it will eventually pass, just like every other phase.
anon says
I don’t even think you need to say thats a treat. Just say “No, our family we doesn’t eat that at home.” Which is true I bet you aren’t drinking soda or eating chips at home.
Anon in NYC says
Yeah, my kid eats pancakes or waffles (with syrup) almost every morning. I don’t love it, but also I’d be giving her toast with butter and jam, or cereal, which also has sugar in it. And she has a small cup of juice almost daily (it’s our way of ensuring she gets Miralax). She occasionally gets chocolate. So, even though I was super restrictive about regular sugary foods when she was under 2, I’ve become much more relaxed about it now. I don’t restrict her access to juice or cake (or other junk food) at birthday parties.
But, at the same time, we don’t often give her candy or lollipops, and we don’t often keep snack food in the house. She asks for it all the time, but we just tell her that it’s a special treat.
GCA says
Yeah – we do Sunday morning pancakes from scratch as a family activity. We deal with processed treats in various ways: generally not keeping them in the house; of the party leftovers, allowing kiddo to pick 1 (not juice AND soda AND chips, it’s one or another); and explaining to him they are a ‘sometimes’ food and we don’t have them every day, but instead have a wide variety of food to grow strong and healthy. Like most others, we don’t deny them completely – he is going to be exposed to a range of sugary/ processed food eventually – just try to model good choices and help him make them.
CPA Lady says
I let my kid have sugar in moderation. That includes syrup when we make pancakes (not that often), juice boxes at birthday parties, and candy at Halloween. We also usually have a small dessert at the end of dinner every day. She still eats very healthily, and having dessert doesn’t “ruin” her palate.
I don’t want my kid to have hangups about certain foods being “bad” and her being “bad” and guilty for enjoying them. I tell her that different foods help her body in different ways and that stuff like candy doesn’t help your body grow strong like other foods do, but that it’s okay to eat and enjoy– it’s just not something that you should eat a lot of.
Anonymous says
I’m in the camp that they can have it for special occasions (birthdays, holidays, vacation, etc.) and it is best to teach balance. I will say that it is so. much. easier. to say no when it isn’t in your house. I’m not saying we’re perfect or don’t keep any treats in our house by any means…just that it is certainly easier to say no when you literally don’t have it. And when they can’t see it. Sometimes out of sight means out of mind.
Anonymous says
This. Special treat foods for special occasions makes it easy to differentiate from everyday foods.
Redux says
We eat really healthy at home (and only rarely eat out) so I let my 4-year old indulge at birthday parties and other special occasions. For example, we went her besties birthday last weekend and she had a juice box, cotton candy, cake AND a cookie. It looked gross to me but she was so happy and having fun with her friends and it truly was special. At home, though, we have yogurt or a piece of fruit for dessert, and don’t keep cookies/candy/juice around and she rarely asks for those things. When she does ask about cookies or candy, it’s really easy to say, Oh we don’t have those things at home. I’m in the moderation camp and for us that means it’s usually okay on special occasions.
Anonymous says
I’m the outlier I guess. We don’t drink soda or juice at home, but we eat a lot of dessert and we don’t really worry about our kids doing the same, unless it’s replacing a healthy meal or they’re eating it in excessive quantities. My mom is a fantastic baker and there were always delicious cakes, cookies and pies in our house. As far back as I can remember I was allowed to eat that stuff, but it was very clearly a treat for after dinner and my mom modeled good portion sizes – one cookie, a small slice of pie etc. Neither of us has ever struggled with weight (which I realize is partly genetic, but our eating habits helped) and the thought of my kids eating reasonable portions of desserts after dinner doesn’t bother me at all. We also try to associate treats with being active – eg we take a family walk to our local ice cream store to get ice cream, rather than just sitting on the couch and eating a pint of Ben and Jerry’s. I don’t serve other kids sweet treats unless their parents have given me permission though.
Anonymous says
I also realize this is very anecdotal but I knew a couple women in college who had never been allowed to eat anything sweet or unhealthy, and both of them went crazy eating everything in sight at college. One gained a lot of weight and the other developed a binge-and-purge eating disorder. So teaching my kids to enjoy things in moderation is important to me.
Turtle says
+1 This was me around high school. Managed to keep weight off thanks to organized athletic activities/sports teams, but in college… hoooyboyyy. (same was true for alcohol, FWIW)
Lyssa says
We’re basically the same (though we allow watered down juice, too). We try to make sure that they have a wide variety and eat their meal first, but they usually have a treat of some sort on most days. I don’t think that it’s a big deal if they’re eating everything else well.
Anon says
A good friend of mine growing up wasn’t allowed to have any sugar or desserts at her house. I’ll never forget her coming over for a sleepover when we were in 7th grade, making a dozen cupcakes with her and my mom, and then waking up in the morning to find she’d gotten up in the middle of the night to eat the 10 remaining cupcakes because she never got to have any treats. After that, I swore I’d never raise my kids that way. On the flip side, I grew up in a house with all of the sugar and treats around constantly and lots of great messaging around food and body positivity, and I still developed anorexia in high school. Nothing is foolproof.
I practice intuitive eating and it’s worked really well for me in the 10+ years since my recovery. I plan to teach my kids that no foods are “bad” or “good”, but it’s more about listening to your body, what it wants and needs, and paying attention to your hunger cues. I also want to impart that some foods are for “fun”, while others are for “fuel”, and it’s important to have a good mix and balance of both to give your body everything it needs while still enjoying special occasions. I have a sweet tooth and I have to have some form of dessert nearly every day, even if it’s just a handful of dark chocolate almonds, so I don’t want to be a “Do as I say, not as I do”-type of parent.
SC says
We don’t give Kiddo a lot of dessert during the week, but not because it’s forbidden. Kiddo gets most of his calories at breakfast, lunch, and a couple of snacks, and he’s rarely hungry at dinner time. He usually picks at his dinner for 5 minutes and then says he’s not hungry. We really stress listening to your body, and we don’t force him to eat any particular amount for dinner. But, then, when he tells us he’s not hungry for dinner, we don’t offer dessert, and he never asks. (If we have company or are at someone else’s house, and treats are offered, we allow him to have some, because I also don’t want dessert to be seen as a reward or punishment for eating/not eating. It’s a tough balance.)
On weekends, we usually have pancakes or waffles or donuts for breakfast one day, so that’s our treat for that day. The other day, we often go out for a treat or have something while we are out. At birthday parties or other special occasions, I let Kiddo have whatever he wants and don’t monitor it at all. Sometimes, he’ll eat multiple treats, and sometimes he won’t, but I have noticed that he is usually too wound up to actually sit down and finish any one thing.
We don’t usually keep juice in the house. We have crackers, etc., in the house, but I try to encourage combining them with protein or something healthy.
Anonymous says
We did really well h til we had more than one kid. A six year old knows about syrup. So of course while my oldest had been strip free until kindergarten (or whatever) my 2 year old got it at two. Same with desserts and all kinds of other stuff. I just roll with it.
Anon says
Anyone’s TMJ get worse when pregnant due to the changed sleep positions? I am headed in to see if my guard needs to be adjusted however any other tips? Enough other stuff is impacting my sleep that haha I didn’t want this added on!
rosie says
I don’t think it got worse when pregnant for me, but when it was bad generally, my acupuncturist suggested doing exaggerated vowel noises as a way to stretch (A E I O U). Try doing that as a gentle exercise before bed?
Anon in NYC says
Or perhaps some jaw/face massage?
I tend to unconsciously clench my jaw in my sleep when I’m stressed and a night guard definitely helps, but massage could loosen up existing tension.
Anonymous says
I used to have horrible TMJ. I cannot for the life of me remember who suggested this to me (it may have been a dentist), but I put a pencil/pen between my teeth when I have TMJ pain. Opening your teeth a slight bit like that helps to relax the jaw muscles. I probably look crazy, but the tension releases almost instantly whenever I do it. Of course, that doesn’t help at night, but might help during the day if you have pain from TMJ at night.
Kids Luggage says
I asked this earlier in the week on main board but realized I should have asked here – favorite toddler luggage? My daughter ( 3 and a half) currently insists on pushing around a giant rolling bag so we thought she should have her own to make our lives easier! And because she’ll be excited. Thanks all!
AIMS says
One of my nieces had a bag with her favorite character on it. Nothing fancy, but it was small enough to carry on so didn’t matter and, more important, very lightweight because it had very few bells and whistles.
KateMiddletown says
Target – the one with the french bulldog logo. Super cute and ours has held up well for a few years. Plus it has a bungee cord on the front where you can attach a stuffed animal.
Spirograph says
We got ours from Target (Crckt brand) too. The kids play with them constantly, aside from actual travel, and they’ve held up pretty well to the abuse. The bungee cords are stretched and not super functional anymore, but that’s not a disqualifying design flaw in my book.
EB0220 says
We have Target rolling bags for the kids, too. They were on sale for ~$5. Caveat that we do not use them for air travel, just for car trips and playing around the house. They’re played with almost every day.
WFH says
I’m 20 weeks pregnant with #2. My BP is sky high and my OB has warned that I may have to stop work at some point in this pregnancy or at the very least work from home so I can limit commuting. My OB is willing to write me whatever medical note I need. My family can’t afford for me to stop work much earlier (I was planning to stop work at 38 weeks and will push that forward to 36 weeks), so I need to explore work from home. I have remote access and already work from home on evenings, weekends and sick days, so there isn’t any technical set up required. My major concern is that my boss requires a lot of face time and discussions with him are hugely more effective in person than over email/phone, and that alone will have a significant, negative effect on my practice if I’m out of the office for 20 weeks. I’m a litigator, so will need to work offsite when I have attendances regardless of whether I work in the office or from home the rest of the time. I have cleared my trial schedule for the fall.
How do I go about this? Have a conversation now warning that I might need to WFH at some point but keep a full time in-office schedule for as long as I can? Ask to WFH 1-2 days a week now to prevent my medical condition from worsening and hope that I never have to WFH full time? Any other thoughts?
CCLA says
I wouldn’t raise it until it actually is an issue, but if your OB thinks WFH in a limited capacity now would help mitigate future issues, I’d absolutely raise it now. Unless your boss is a jerk, he will probably understand and hopefully be grateful that you’re still working at all. Don’t forget to involve HR (depending on your office environment, you may want to start there).
I hear you on the conversations being way more effective in person – I went remote (not for pregnancy, but for a geo move) while working almost exclusively with a partner who could not for the life of him reply to an email or answer a phone call when I worked three doors down from him, but once I was in another city he miraculously became capable of productive phone and email conversations. I bet your boss can figure it out, too. FWIW I found it helpful when remote to send lots of calendar invites so that he would actually remember we had to discuss something, since it wasn’t so easy to just peek down the hall to see when we were both available.
Hugs, hope you can find a solution that lessens your stress!
Healthy Eating Book or Show? says
The thread about healthy eating is really interesting and timely for me. I try to explain “healthy” food to my almost 3 year old. She definitely understands what a “treat” is. But I don’t think I’m explaining the underlying concept right so that she’ll understand what healthy actually means and don’t really know how. Does anyone have any age appropriate book or show episode recommendations that I could use? Or a language suggestion?
anon says
Go to your local library and ask your librarian for book suggestions. There are a ton. Some ideas I have off the top of my head are “Eating the alphabet” by Lois Ehlert, “How did that get in my lunchbox?” By Butterworth and “To Market, to Market” by Nikki McClure. They are all books about the journey of food, eating a variety of foods, eating real foods – not processed foods but foods that actually grew on a plant. I think thats where you start at 3. You talk about eating a rainbow, you talk about where food came from, you talk about wanting to eat foods that are in season, you get excited about food! The only thing about healthy and treat is you don’t want her being like “I don’t like healthy” “I only want treat” All foods should be celebrated!
AIMS says
I think there are some Daniel Tiger and Sesame Street episodes about this. Check pbs dot com.
At this point, we find it more helpful to just get kid into healthy things because she likes them. So, e.g., Daniel Tiger has oatmeal with blueberries, so I would make her “oatmeal like Daniel’s” and we’d go fishing for the blueberries. Broccoli is another hit in our house because DT said they look like trees so now she wants to ear trees. To the extent we talk about health we just say “X is so good for you! You’re going to grow so big and strong eating all this!”
AwayEmily says
I would also like advice on this! We are just starting to talk to our 2.5yo about what foods make her body strong, etc. (I’m a microbiome enthusiast so we also talk a lot about choosing good food for the little animals in her tummy). But more ideas about how to discuss it in a way that (1) the kid can understand and (2) doesn’t label some food as “bad” are very very welcome.
And also agreed that the food thread is very interesting — and I’m surprised by how much of a consensus there seems to be. We take the same approach as most everyone else — we eat very healthy 85% of the time so that the 15% of the time we are at a fast food restaurant, or a friend’s house, or whatever, then we can eat other stuff without feeling bad. Case in point: last night before we went to the farmers market, there was someone selling cookies, and so we all got to share a (very large) cookie. Then we had chickpeas, blackberries, and avocado for dinner. Balance! Also, to AIMS re your original question…maybe it also helps to think longer-term? Like, we *all* eat more junk around certain times of year (summer, the holidays) and then that ends and we clean up our act. So while this is a season where there are lots of get-togethers with treats and then once fall comes she’ll be back on a more normal eating course.
Anonymous says
Thanks for the reminder. I think because this is just now happening it feels like I’m losing control and it will just keep getting worse when she starts “school” in the fall. It’s good to remember that nothing is forever with kids!
AIMS says
That was me. Forgot to populate the name.
SC says
We focus on energy, both for healthy food and for naps/bedtime. So we’ll say things like, “We need rest/healthy food so we have enough energy to play and learn and grow,” or “We need rest/healthy food because it makes our bodies feel good.”
Kiddo also takes a multi-vitamin everyday and, I think, understands in a general way that vitamins keep him healthy. So we also talk about how it’s important to a lot of different foods and different colors because they have different vitamins in them. I like that approach because it encourages eating lots of different foods without labeling foods “good” or “bad.”
Gift bag arms race says
Wise hive: has anyone ever successfully called a truce to the birthday gift bag arms race? Kiddo came home from preschool yesterday with not one but two birthday gift bags containing a variety of plastic gewgaws – fairy wand, slap bracelet, whistle, etc etc. (Even if there is no birthday party/ daycare class is not invited, all ~15-20 kids in the class seem to get a gift bag, and two classmates apparently had birthdays this week. For kiddo’s birthday in May, we just brought in a big fruit platter, which the kids had along with their afternoon snack.)
I appreciate the thought and understand that some people just like giving tangible gifts, but 1) I hope other parents aren’t feeling pressured to do gift bags, 2) all the Stuff cannot possibly be good for the environment, and 3) (somewhat selfishly, I admit) it is piling up in our small apartment. What is your best advice for dealing with the knickknack escalation at school? –GCA
KateMiddletown says
We flat out stopped doing a gift bag for birthdays starting around age 4 as it had become a “who can buy the most plastic garbage at Party City” game. Now our school won’t let you do an edible treat, so almost everyone just does a special pencil or eraser for the class. Any giveaways at birthday parties (age 8) are the DIY stuff they make at parties – a t-shirt they decorate, or a cute sleepmask for a slumber party.
mascot says
I don’t feel pressured to do favors/goody bags so we simply don’t do them. Some parents really get into them but to each their own. I also have no issues throwing the junk out within a few days of it entering the house.
Anonymous says
Just don’t do it. Be the change you want to see. Don’t send your kid in with gift bags to hand out. Just. Don’t.
Redux says
Totally this. Other parents will either not notice, or thank you and follow-suit. We had a “no gifts please” birthday party last year and three separate sets of parents thanked me and did the same for their kids!
Anonymous says
This. I was able to talk my daughter into a ‘donations for the local animal shelter’ party after her best friend had one. I had suggested it for a couple years previous but she wasn’t willing until her friend did.
GCA says
Alas, while we just don’t do the gift bags (and I’ve actually persuaded two of my friends whose kids are in the same class not to do them, too!)… it’s the 17 other kids’ worth of plastic crap we have to deal with.
anon says
This sounds like the worst. Are they doing this as a way to stop doing sugary treats? Gah what a waste for the environment.
I also don’t think there is a great way you can bring it up without sounding like a huge fun killer to everyone. Unless your daycare has an anonymous suggestion box.
As for having it build up in your small apartment. My mom was an anti plastic toy mom. We had like legos but our play kitchen was wood for example. So when this stuff came into the house she poured it into a box and it wasn’t a choice to play with.
Things that my mom did to get rid of this stuff:
1) We would make our own carnival games (bowling, throw the ball into the cup, etc) with friends and those would be the prizes we could “win”
2) She would gather all the plastic bits up, dump them on the craft table and we would hot glue them onto a piece of cardboard into a crazy collage (using those heat proof gloves even young kids can use hot glue pretty safely) that then was displayed as art for a bit before disappearing. I think once she actually spray painted the “artwork” and hung them in the kids bathroom for a bit.
3 )She took it all to goodwill
4) She tended to hang out with hippie parents who also were anti plastic so this didn’t happen that much.
GCA says
I’m going to steal these! Your mom is brilliant. Thanks!
anon says
Oh and another idea is to donate it to a teacher. Sometimes they have this stuff to give out for prizes at school if you have a birthday, lose a tooth, are the star student etc. So see if anyone school teacher needs prizes or something for a school store for students to cash in their tokens that they earn.
Anonymous says
1000% do this. (Leave stuff in original packaging if you can.)
Anonymous says
House hunters and fans of the house hunters tv show alike! Have you faced an issue where you and your spouse/partner can’t seem to agree on which house to buy (or even, which type of house to buy…like whether to buy an apartment or hold out for a real house)? In my circumstance my SO wants to stretch, financially, to buy a bigger space that we could then “fix up” over time (we do not have the budget to do a full renovation now)…whereas I’d rather buy something more comfortably within reach where we could afford to make some cosmetic changes. Part of me wants to just give in, he’s much smarter with finances and investing than me, but on the other hand I’m worried that I will be stuck as the overseer of all future “renovation” projects / dealing with a crappy kitchen since I’m the only one who cooks etc. How do you reach agreement?
CPA Lady says
Have either of you ever owned a home before? I would be hesitant to move into a place that was a big stretch financially because stuff breaks all the time, especially in older homes that need to be substantially fixed up. In 2016 alone, we had nearly $20,000 of unexpected expenses, none of which were cosmetic. Granted, that year was a horrible fluke, but what is going to happen when you move into a place that you can barely afford and the HVAC goes out?
Has he ever managed a house renovation project or lived in a house during one? How does he respond when you voice your concerns about his expectations (that you will end up doing all the planning and coordinating)? Could you come up with your most important thing or two (sounds like kitchen would be one) and absolutely put your foot down that you must have a functional kitchen before you move in?
I love HGTV and I loved doing cosmetic changes to my house before I had a kid. But once we started getting into larger projects that were beyond the DIY level, it was awful. The only true thing about what you see on HGTV is that it will always cost twice what you thought it would, additional problems will be found, and you will break down in tears at least a couple times. The “omg it looks amazing in two days!” thing is not real.
The scope always creeps. We were going to just redo our counter tops. Then we realized we’d need to redo our back-splash, get a new sink, get a new faucet, redo the outlets, and then we thought “well we might as well get under cabinet lighting too!”
If you don’t do well with chaos, disorder, or dirt, you are going to be really stressed out. During the multiple weeks long kitchen reno process, the entire contents of my lower cabinets had to be moved into another room. Then once the construction was done, the cabinets needed to be vacuumed out, everything put back. We couldn’t use our kitchen for multiple days, so we had to eat a bunch of take out. Then we decided to remodel one of our bedrooms. That project was also extremely annoying. There was drywall dust everywhere. All the furniture from that room was sitting in my living room for a couple of weeks. It doesn’t sound bad typing it out, but my home is my sanctuary and I hate when it’s chaotic.
I’m glad we did these projects, but they have both been so irritating to live through that we are putting off redoing our main bathroom for at least 5+ years. I can deal with the hideous wallpaper and faux brass fixtures it it means not having to deal with another reno project. If you can live with chaos then it might not be so bad.
CPA Lady says
OR something you could do would be to hire a contractor (or do you have any contractor friends?) to come into the kind of house your SO is thinking of buying to give you a rough estimate of what it would cost to do all the projects you would need done. Kind of like what they do in that Flip or Flop show on HGTV before they buy a fixer upper.
Anon for this says
100% this. My husband and I bought an apartment last year. Within a few months, a pipe in our bathroom broke and we had an unexpected bathroom renovation. Sure, we could have done the bare minimum and saved money but we would have had to update it eventually, so we just went ahead and did it anyway.
Now we have a kitchen and closet renovation underway, and we’re living elsewhere so our stuff is all packed into various rooms of our apartment, in a storage unit, and we’re carting a bunch of stuff around with us, and basically living out of boxes and suitcases. It’s exhausting. And so freaking expensive. And now we have a gas pipe issue.
I’m not yet at the stage where I think buying was a better decision than renting. I wholly advocate for buying less house than you can afford.
Anonymous says
Should I be worried that my 6 month old still wants to eat every 2 hours? I don’t really mind feeding her that often but I’ve heard most other babies her age have stretched out their feeds. I’m fairly sure it’s actually hunger and not just wanting to comfort nurse. She is and always has been a great sleeper, and now sleeps 12 hours at night so even eating every 2 hours during the day only works out to 6-7 feeds/day which seems more reasonable. She’s eating some solids but not enough to affect her milk intake I don’t think.
Anon in NYC says
I wouldn’t worry at this point.
Anonymous says
You can’t have it all with babies. If she’s sleeping 12 hours at night then she will definitely need to eat every 2 hours to get in 6 feedings during the day. 6 feedings in 24 hours would be normal for a 6 month old, I would be worried if it was less.
If other babies are more spaced out in their feedings, it’s likely that they are doing at least 2 night feedings as well.
She may drop a feed in another month or two after getting more into solids.
avocado says
Is she mobile? At that age mine was absolutely ravenous because she spent the entire day crawling around on the floor at school.
Anonymous says
She’s not crawling yet, but she’s always been really active baby who thrashes her arms and legs around a lot, so I suspect she’s burning a fair amount of calories.
AIMS says
My 6.5 month old likes to eat every 3 hours or so. Sometimes more, sometimes less. If everything else is “normal” I wouldn’t worry about it. We just had our 6 month check up and the ped said 4 milk feedings a day is the goal now (not more) but we probably do more than that – 3 bottles and 3 nursings on average.
Anonymous says
4 milk feedings seems really low for a 6-7 month old. Do you know the reasoning behind that? My ped emphasized that solids should not be replacing milk until 10-12 months and we should feed or offer bottles on demand or 6 times per day.
Anonymous says
Agree. I’ve never seen anything that recommended less than 6 feedings a day for a 6 month old. Usually around 10 months minimum before they would be down to 4 feedings.
Anon says
Yeah that seems insane. 6 months is very early to make the transition to mostly solids, but even at older ages I’ve always heard it expressed in terms of a minimum amount of solids rather than a maximum amount of milk. By 9-10 months a baby should be having three square solid meals a day, but I don’t see why it’s harmful if they want to nurse often on top of that. It’s just that milk shouldn’t be supplanting solids at that age.
I know KellyMom and La Leche League have their issues but they will tell you that you can’t breastfed too often, certainly not before age 1.
Anonymous says
+1 AAP doesn’t talk about restricting BF either. It’s all about adding solids.
AIMS says
We have a big baby (90th percentile-ish) and he can drink big bottles, plus has taken to solids well. Her thinking was that if I nurse him in the morning, he eats two big bottles while I’m at work and I nurse him before bed that should be sufficient and we shouldn’t be feeding him at night at this point.
While that would be great, it isn’t happening for us. He usually wants 3 bottles while I’m away and he still wakes up to nurse in the middle of the night, sometimes once and often twice. So I really considered it more aspirational than anything else.
Anon2 says
Perhaps it’s based on a formula feeding schedule (peds seem to be less knowledgeable/don’t care about how breastfeeding needs differ)? I remember my mom going on and on about working towards a 4x/day schedule of 8 oz each feed, but that was based on her experience using formula. I only breastfed so I pretty much ignored her…
Anonymous says
Just chiming in to say that is totally normal, especially for breastfed baby. Formula might take more at a time, since you can put more into a bottle, and then eat less frequently but totally normal. It may change too – my kid slept better at 6 months than she does now at 9 months. So your baby may start to space out her daytime feeds and then pick up a night feed again. I’d take the every 2 hours instead :)
Anonymous says
So common with older babies! They are so busy/inquisitive during the day that they don’t eat enough and get hungry at night.
AwayEmily says
My first also wanted to eat every two hours (at least) at 6 months but my second (now also 6 months) can go for 3-4 hours with eating. Both EBF and both similar sleepers. Babies, man. They’re weird. But if she seems healthy then I would not worry about it.
Redux says
Interior design for novices.
Y’all we are finally moving out of a series of rented places and into a forever (?!) home! We’ve always furnished our places with hand-me-down pieces, mostly from my MIL who has great style, but rather different from our own– eclectic antiques, which are lovely but a little fussy for my taste, especially with two small children. Honestly I don’t know what my interior design taste really is because I’ve had so many hand-me-down pieces and what little we have bought has been with a pretty strict budget– and with the sense that it will be temporary.
Well, that dream day of no longer being temporary has arrived and I want to buy some furniture! I have started to follow some interior designers on Instagram and am getting a sense of the style I want to emulate. I also started watching The Great Interior Design Challenge on Netflix, which is fun, but not exactly instructive. Are there good resources for design novices that I should check out? In terms of style but mostly focused on form– how to pull a room together. Ideas?
Anonymous says
There are lots of tutorials on Pinterest – how to style a bookshelf, how to lay out furniture, etc.
anon says
Every time I move to a new place and am setting up a home I re-read Apartment Therapy: The Eight-Step Home Cure and The Perfectly Imperfect Home: How to Decorate and Live Well. Both talk about room flow with furniture, and rules on how big rugs should be. Just good basic tips.
Carine says
I have Domino: The Book of Decorating and I think it’s helpful and worth purchasing a copy (bonus: it looks pretty on the shelf, too!). I like how it guides you to figuring out your own style and also has good basic rule-of-thumb guidance for things like – how high end tables should be, how large a rug you need for a certain space or function, why you would hang curtain rods at the top of the wall v. right over the sill, etc.
They also published a follow up book on creating a stylish home, which I bought but haven’t even opened!! I have too many books. But I bet it’s also good. Both would be easy to find at B&N so you could go flip through and pick what appeals to you.
Congrats on the house!
Redux says
Great suggestions, thanks!
Work dress PSA says
PSA: I just bought this BR dress. It’s friendly to my twin tummy and looks polished and a little different from the standard sheath or fit-and-flare work dress options I have. The length is pretty good–the measurements listed show that it fits longer than it looks like it would on the model–so I feel fine wearing it to my pretty conservative office. Maybe other moms out there can use something like this!
https://bananarepublic.gap.com/browse/product.do?cid=1005911&pcid=69883&vid=1&pid=363259012
Anonymous says
It’s cute, but why do places sell “tall” dress that are 38″? That’s not going to work on any woman over about 5’7″.
Anonymous says
Fellow twin mom here! Just added to cart. Thank you!
ElisaR says
oh wow, that’s cute and I need this kinda thing these days! Thanks!
AIMS says
Thanks, I just ordered!
farrleybear says
I like that! Thinking about the gold one in particular:)
I need sleep says
Kiddo is 7.5 months old and is still waking up 2+ times per night to nurse. Kiddo is down by 7 pm and wakes up around 10 pm, 1 am, and 4 am (+/-an hour or two) and I am done with it. How do you drop down to one night feeding? I have no idea what happened with my first kiddo, seems like I blocked it from memory. There have been some nights where he sleeps for 5.5 hours on his own (midnight to 5:30 am) so I know he can do it, but that’s probably 5-10x in his lifetime.
I’ve tried starting solids, which hasn’t really had an effect. I’ve tried going in just to soothe him, that didn’t work. I did get him to nurse for only a few minutes the other night and return to sleep, which I considered a mini-win…. but what’s the real solution?
Thanks.
Knope says
Do you have a partner that can help you? If so, I would start by dropping to one feeding (maybe the 1 am feed) and having your partner go in during the other two times to comfort him and put him back down (some version of Ferber, basically). He is probably associating you with food. If you don’t have a partner to help, I would seriously consider hiring a night nurse or sleep coach to help you.
Anonymous says
I do! I was hoping to come to my partner with a plan (or some recommendations) before sort of… thrusting responsibility on him. Which is a little absurd, I realize, as I have had the wake-up responsibility this whole time out of nursing necessity.
ifiknew says
Reposting so it threads properly:
Few things, which are repeated ad nauseum with baby sleep issues:
1) Seperate nursing and bedtime by atleast 30 minutes, so nursing, bath, then bed
2) Falling asleep completely independently – no rocking, soothing, nursing etc. to bed
3) CIO in the middle of the night – so CIO / no nursing before midnight, then just 1 feeding at 3 am and CIO again until 5:30 or later
I always found point 3 extremely difficult and it didn’t work for us. We would do it and it would work and then she would regress every 10 days.
However, I did points 1 and 2 religiously though and each night varied from 0-3 wakeups, with 2x being the most standard. At about 12 months, the baby started to naturally do 0-1 wakeups and at about 15-18 months, mostly slept through the night.
Hang in there, it’s so tough.
Anonymous says
+1 to both of these. Since we felt it was cruel to cut out nursing cold turkey, my husband started going in with a bottle, which the baby usually drank only an ounce or two from, so it was clear that it wasn’t really about being hungry.
I need sleep says
On point 2 – kiddo will fall asleep independently if I put him down “on time” (which can vary), but still needs soothing if I’m too late. He’s always in his crib by 7pm, but sometimes it’s too late. I try to use intermittent soothing (shushing and rubbing his back), but I would consider him “moderate” in falling asleep. Which I guess contributes to his wanting to nurse back to sleep in the middle of the night. (After nursing he’s really good at falling asleep).
BPS says
He’s probably a touch overtired after 7 PM – try letting him self soothe and see how he does. I say this, but I’m also a believer of CIO, so take with a grain of salt.
LadyNFS says
I’ve recommended this before, but I used a program called the “ABCs of Sleep” from a company called Taking Cara Babies, based in AZ. I used her newborn program and then the ABCs program when LO was older and it was time to transition her to a crib in her own room. She has a specific program to wean night feedings gradually over the course of 14 nights, and will offer you total support throughout so that you don’t have to figure it out yourself or go it alone (even with a partner’s help, I found it reassuring to have someone “coaching” me, otherwise I probably would have caved sooner). Good luck!!
lawsuited says
I had weaned by 7.5 months so we started putting water rather than formula into the nighttime bottles and our LO quickly decided that it was not worth waking up for.
We had also sleep-trained by 7.5 months (using the interval method) so he wasn’t relying on feeding to fall asleep again.
ifiknew says
I would try only going back to shush and pat if he cries for longer than 15 minutes. It is so brutal and the crying is horrendous, but if I went back in at bedtime, she would cry more.
Our daughter cried at bedtime for 5-15 minutes every night until about 14 months. Truly horrible but I saw no other option, because it would take 30+ minutes to shush, pat, rock and the night wakings were worse.
A lot of people recommed the water rather than milk and it’s worked for many of my friends, but our baby chugged down BM or formula or nursed at night, so she was hungry and I was never able to get her to take more during the day :( She would just spit it up.
AwayEmily says
If you’re looking for a non-prescriptive sleep book with a bunch of different types of advice depending on your comfort level with CIO (from ‘not at all comfortable’ to ‘totally comfortable’) I recommend The Good Sleeper by Janet Kennedy. Very accessible, easy to skim, and based on empirical evidence.
I need sleep says
Purchased, thanks. The other recommendations included Happiest Baby on the Block, which I had heard about before, so I bought that one, too…
ifiknew says
Few things, which are repeated ad nauseum with baby sleep issues:
1) Seperate nursing and bedtime by atleast 30 minutes, so nursing, bath, then bed
2) Falling asleep completely independently – no rocking, soothing, nursing etc. to bed
3) CIO in the middle of the night – so CIO / no nursing before midnight, then just 1 feeding at 3 am and CIO again until 5:30 or later
I always found point 3 extremely difficult and it didn’t work for us. We would do it and it would work and then she would regress every 10 days.
However, I did points 1 and 2 religiously though and each night varied from 0-3 wakeups, with 2x being the most standard. At about 12 months, the baby started to naturally do 0-1 wakeups and at about 15-18 months, mostly slept through the night.
Hang in there, it’s so tough.
LB says
I need help framing a conversation with my husband. I was traveling on business and generally like to facetime with my infant daughter once a day while gone. To me, this doesn’t violate the no screen-time rule because well, it is my face! My husband is ok with this but last night after asking I wanted to VC he closed his laptop before I could respond (literally 8 minutes later) because my daughter was “too into the computer”. Like, she was looking at the lit up screen too much and crawling toward it. My husband could have just moved it out of range of her and kept an eye on it but didn’t and I missed seeing her yesterday. (He also doesn’t keep his phone ringer on so I couldn’t reach him that way either.) I don’t like to criticize when he’s parenting solo because it is super hard to take care of an infant on your own and he really stepped up. But to me, he is being so crazy for thinking that anytime a screen is lit up, it is “screen time”. How can I (very nicely) help him understand that I need to see my daughter while I’m away and that is ok if she sees a lit-up screen from time to time???
Anonymous says
You can’t. You share that you’re sad you didn’t get to see your daughter but you respect his parenting decisions. Next time, you should agree upon a time beforehand, so this issue doesn’t happen again.
Anon in NYC says
Yes.
Also, you need to be able to reach him in an emergency, so what is the solution there?
Anonymous says
I don’t think OP needs to “respect” without discussion a parenting decision he made unilaterally that conflicted with a previous agreement to video chat once a day while she is traveling. Her husband needs to agree on a reliable way for her to contact him at any time, and to make sure that the daily video chat happens. Scheduling a time for the video chat would be ideal, but not necessarily practical unless she is traveling alone and has control over her schedule.
Anon in NYC says
I don’t think what Anon at 2:31 was saying to not have a discussion, but it seems like the OP didn’t have a previous agreement to video chat 1x a day – she said that she generally likes to chat 1x a day. She can express her disappointment, but it doesn’t seem like it was a unilateral parenting decision. Moreover, it seems like her husband gave her 8 minutes to reply to the message. That’s not an eternity, but if I were in her husband’s shoes I wouldn’t wait around for 8 minutes to see if my spouse was available.
OP, having a scheduled call would be great, but if that’s not a possibility, I’d probably ask your husband to send you a text message if he is going to shut the computer so that you can tell him when you’re available and he can re-open it.
Anon @ 2:31 says
The idea that you need to, “help him understand that I need to see my daughter while I’m away” is completely wrong. You do not need to see your daughter. You WANT to, as any loving parent would. You don’t NEED to. I’m divorced. There are plenty of days when I don’t see my child – and there have been, since her father moved out and began visitation when she was an infant.
Anonymous says
Wrong question. There needs to be a way for you to contact your husband. Ringer? Vibrate? Tone?
rosie says
I agree with others that the issue is that you need to be able to contact him. If he wants to keep his ringer off, he needs to look at his phone settings to see how he can still be contacted by you. For example, on Android, he can set it to disturbances from priority contacts only (and then you set a list for who is priority, can include 2 calls from the same number in 15 min as well). Or if he forgets to turn his ringer back on, he should set rules to do it automatically.
I know this is not the reason he gave, but I would add that you should defer to him on video chats in case he thinks it might upset her to see you on the screen and then not be able to be with you. Like when one of us is traveling, the home parent usually requests no video chat in the hour before bed.
ElisaR says
would it help to have a planned time so the computer isn’t open for 8 minutes or whatever?
i agree it doesn’t count as “screen time” but it may have been distracting in some way and you never know what else is going on there….. i think sometimes my husband is in transit and i’m at home and i will miss his call because i’m not sitting looking at my phone while i’m parenting.
Anon says
Sounds like he was tired and not thinking totally straight. And probably didn’t want kiddo messing with the computer. I would definitely have a conversation about the ringer. And ask him to take photos of kiddo and send to you.
1 yo gift idea? says
My niece and goddaughter is turning 1. The role of godmother isn’t huge as the christening was a bit more of a formality, but I like the title and feel we have a little tighter bond than most for a variety of reasons beyond the title, including physical proximity.
We have a huge family, and niece will be getting lots of ‘stuff’ which my sister don’t really want, but expects. A request for ‘no gifts’ would not have been respected.
I’ve had ideas from the practical (only thing sister said she needs is clothes in the next side, and this gift is self-serving because my 4 month old daughter is getting all of her clothes) to stashing $50 somewhere, and adding to that fund each year for her birthday so when she’s 18 she has a nice little pot of cash from me. No 529 account that I’m aware of, and that sounds just not as fun as getting cold hard cash right before college.
Thoughts? Any ‘special’ but not over the top gifts you give/receive?
rakma says
Would your sister be open to a museum or zoo membership?
Anonymous says
+1 this would be such a great gift, avoiding the ‘stuff’ but if they’ll be living in that area for a year would be something baby could still enjoy now. It could even be something you and the baby could do together since it sounds like you’re local?
Anonymous says
Children’s museum is what I’ve given my BFFs kids on their first birthdays.
OP says
Sorry. Should have mentioned budget in the first post..
Only hesitation is that our local children’s museum annual family membership is $160 (major city). I don’t want to set that precedent in terms of $$. Sisters and I (four of us) all had babies #1 within 10 months. None are destitute by any means, but definitely at varying income levels, with me at the high end. $160 is no biggie for DH and I, but I don’t want them to feel pressure to match, so I’d like to be a bit more conservative. Maybe $50 and under? Would 4 one-time admission tickets be a good idea? one-time admission for 4 a good idea – that way they can do two trips (parent+kid) or one with both parents, kid and grandma? Or, should I abandon that idea altogether?
OP says
Wow, editing. sorry. Did I mention my child is the youngest of the four and I’m not sleeping at night?
avocado says
How about taking her to the museum yourself? You could establish a nice little tradition of taking her on a special outing for each birthday.
puddlejumper says
Maybe its time to talk about this with your siblings and come up with a plan for the future. If this is the 1st kid for each of you, families are only going to get bigger.
One idea: On birthdays you give a small gift like a book. On Christmas/Hanukkah/big gifting holiday you give a family gift that is bigger and you don’t give an individual gift to each person in that family instead you spend a chunk of change on a membership to a museum or for swimming lessons or something.
Another idea: your sisters all go in together to get each kid gift and pool resources. 3 sisters x 50 bucks = a membership.
Last idea: You do a small birthday gift but then for bigger gift giving holiday each year you draw a siblings name and then get that one family a big gift at a set amount but you don’t have to get each sibling and their kids gifts.
Anon for This says
Guys, my DH’s depression is back. A few years ago, his depression hit a point where he required inpatient hospitalization. I’ve noticed a change in his behavior (increased irritability, negative viewpoint/comments, etc.) over the last few weeks. I do not think he is in crisis, it just feels like a blow for him (and us) to have been fighting hard and making progress to be back to a point where we both see the effects of depression. I sobbed yesterday in therapy – his depression (snapping at the kids and me), feeling like I’m parenting alone, rough time of year for me (anniversary of a parent’s death). I need to believe that the return of his depression is just a bump in the road, and that we have the supports in place this time around.
Anonymous says
Is he dealing with it? He cannot be snapping at the kids.
Anonymous says
I agree he needs to deal with it, but also want to point out that most [all?] parents occasionally snap at their kids, and everyone survives.
Anonymous says
“He cannot be snapping at the kids” is extremely dramatic. I don’t know any parents who don’t snap at their kids. If you don’t, congrats, but you’re in an extreme minority.
OP says
People snap at kids; it happens and is not the end of things. It is more that the snapping is indicative of his mood, approach to life and lack of resiliency/bandwidth at the moment.
He is reaching out to his support network (extensive from inpatient hospitalizations) and taking appropriate steps. He is doing what he needs to do to address his medical/mental health needs.
Also anon says
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I’ve been there too. It is so discouraging and frightening when things start to deteriorate after a period of calm, partly because you have been through it all before and know how just bad things can get. It is encouraging that he recognizes what’s happening, because that is a necessary precondition for any steps he might take to stabilize things.
I actually find it more difficult to parent with a depressed spouse around than to parent alone. Can you send him to visit his parents or a sibling, or take the kids to visit your family, for a couple of days just to give everyone a break? I am sending all the good wishes your way, and prayers too if that’s your thing.
OP says
Thank you for the kind words. You absolutely nailed it: it is so hard to watch him deteriorate because I have seen how far things can go. I am encouraged that he is the one who said that he needs more help right now; that’s a good sign, which I keep repeating to myself.
I completely agree that it is easier to parent alone. He is no-contact with his parents for many many reasons, but I wish there was a way to send him to the adult equivalent of summer camp for a week (go spend time outside! in the fresh air! go for long runs! meditate! etc.)
I think one of the things I’m trying to figure out is that we generally spend our evenings after the kids go to bed talking, watching tv and enjoying each others’ company. Right now, enjoying his company isn’t really a thing. And so I want to find a way to excuse myself and go read a book, write or something without him taking it personally (cue depression’s slant that any feedback that is other than 100% glowing means he is a bad person). All I take all the positive energy I can right now, and I think its time that I end my 9 month hiatus from church.
Anonymous says
“I’m going to go read. It’s important that I take care of myself. I know you understand.”
Anon in NYC says
I’m so sorry. Is he aware of this and getting help? Is there a short term solution – increasing his medication dose? – while he works through this?
Hugs.
Anonymous says
I’m sorry, this is hard. I’ve been through this as both the depressed person and the spouse. I think you have every reason to believe this won’t be as bad as last time – it sounds like you caught it early, and still have a lot of great supports in place that you can draw on immediately. You both know now better what works for treatment, as do his doctors. Something as simple as a dosage adjustment could be all he needs, and that can work fast. It sounds like you are going through a rough time yourself that makes it harder than usual for you to be a support person for him, so maybe he can work with his therapist to brainstorm other people he can lean on. During one of my episodes I found a lot of comfort in a support group run by the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance – maybe they have a group near you? I think the one I went to was open to family members as well. I believe NAMI also has support groups that might be worthwhile. Sending hugs. You are going to get through this. Just worry about one day at a time, and try not to look farther into the future. You don’t need to prepare for the worst, just deal with the present.