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I really love this bag by A New Day at Target. The laser cut is very on trend, and I like that it has both a top handle and a crossbody adjustable strap. As I clicked through the product photos, I saw that it is a bag within a bag — you can put your stuff inside the zip pouch for privacy or you can let it all hang out without the pouch. The black version is black on black, which is appropriate for work, but the blue version with the colorful geometric printed pouch is really fun. This bag has 100% positive reviews on Target.com, and one reviewer even noted that when she wants to switch bags she just grabs the pouch and puts it in her other bag. This tote is $34.99. Laser Cut Tote Handbag This post contains affiliate links and CorporetteMoms may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!Sales of note for 4.18.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 50% off full-price dresses, jackets & shoes; $30 off pants & skirts; extra 50% off sale styles
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- Zappos – 29,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Up to 70% off baby items; 50% off toddler & kid deals & 40% off everything else
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
IHeartBacon says
I really like the white version of this tote shown in the photos with the yellow dress.
Anonanonanon says
I don’t know why, but for some reason I really do not see myself carrying a laser cut bag in a work setting. I can’t even pinpoint why, it just doesn’t feel right.
Pogo says
This looks like it would start fraying really quickly, especially at the $35 price point. The idea is cool though.
Anonymous says
For the dance party favor mom from yesterday, what about ribbon wands like those used for rhythmic gymnastics? It looks like a cheap bundle can be bought from Oriental Trading Company for instance. They could get several. They’d be dance-adjacent, fun for the party, possibly create an interest in gymnastics, and cheap enough that it’s OK if they never use them again.
Anonymous says
Amazing. Yes. This is my new go to party favor.
Anonymous says
I’m the OP and that’s what I found last night! Great minds :-). Gonna pop them in $1 flamingo straw cups from the dollar store and maybe add some stickers for good measure.
anon says
Duuuude … this is genius.
Anon says
Hi ladies. I head back to work from maternity leave soon. My issue is that the week before my maternity leave started I got a negative performance review. At 39 weeks pregnant, I was not prepared to start my job search. Now that my leave is coming to an end, I am dreading returning to a place that is quite clearly not a good fit. I am starting to look for a new position, but I honestly would like to take some time off and stay with my baby for a few more months. Level with me- how bad would it be for my career to take about 6 months to a year off? I am a lawyer and went to HYS if that matters. I have been working in BigLaw for a few years. I do not care about the prestige of my next job, but I very much care about reasonable hours and work that is not completely mind numbing.
Anonymous says
Go back to work. It might suck, they’ll probably pay you for 6 months before firing you. Find a new job. Reasonable hours and interesting work isn’t always easy to find! Don’t make it harder on yourself by being unemployed. Lean out at work and job hunt and network like crazy.
Anonymous says
I think this is the best time to do it, honestly. You’re already (temporarily) out of the workforce, so you’re just quitting to extend your maternity leave, which somehow feels different than quitting without a job lined up otherwise. You have impeccable credentials and are not going to have a hard time finding a lawyer job, especially if you don’t wait more than a few months to start your search in earnest. I would go for it! And I’m sorry about the review, that really s*cks. If there were any negative consequences as a result of the raise (reduced salary or lost bonus, for example) I would also consider consulting an employment attorney. I would never want to sue a Big Law firm but they might be able to privately negotiate on your behalf and get you some severance.
Irish Midori says
This. You have the perfect excuse for a work gap, and maybe a little extra time will help you be 100% ready to come back full speed into the workforce. If anyone asks about the gap on the resume, you say “I wanted to be at 100% for any job I have, and that means being able to sleep enough to be sharp at work, and my baby didn’t get the 6 week memo about sleeping through the night. I’m ready to be all in right now.”
Anonymous says
Why was your review bad? I worry about leaving right after that and not having good references from your job.
Anonymous says
Not the OP, but in my Big Law firm if any of the partners in the practice group had anything negative to say, you normally got a fairly negative review. I wouldn’t assume she doesn’t have other references.
anon says
I’m really torn on this issue. On the one hand, I think I would go back only because I tend to be a more cautious person and need the structure of a job. But I had a friend who quit after her mat leave was up and then found a really wonderful job that she loved not long after. She and I are really different people though. I think you need to know herself. Are you the type who is ok taking the risk and ambitious enough to job search while staying home with the kid? Or would you, like me, just get busy and overwhelmed with taking care of a baby to even think about updating your resume? For me, I would only do this if I had really solid and unbreakable plan in place, i.e. by x date, I will have sent my updated resume to x people, and joined x networking group, and hired a sitter for x hours so I can focus on the job hunt.
Redux says
Also a lawyer and I don’t think your career will suffer much at all for taking a 6-12 mo “maternity leave.” That length of leave is fairly common at the big firms. How long has your leave been already? Have you thought about asking your current firm to extend your leave? They might be willing to give you an additional few months.
Even if you are pretty sure you’re not going to come back to this firm, the practice of leaving after leave is more common than I realized before becoming a mom myself. If you’re in BigLaw then this would not be surprising to your firm at all, especially after a negative review. I would just be up front with them and tell them that you are not ready to come back to the firm and would like to extend your leave. And that when you come back you would like to talk more about your future at the firm given your most recent performance eval.
Whether you decide to quit or if you go back after leave, if you are in a big job market and you can get a good reference from your current job, I think there are zero repercussions for you here.
Anon says
How did you feel about your job before the bad review? Definitely don’t ignore the possibility that the review was connected to your pregnancy and impending leave, consciously or unconsciously.
Also, don’t underestimate the value of staying in a job and leaning way out while you look for another one.
anon says
+1
Anonymous says
Not sure if it’s too late in the day for you to see this, but I did this. Didn’t have a negative review, but I was SO over big law. Also not HYS, but went to a top 5 law school.
I have stayed socially friendly with many former colleagues and law school friends and have lost count of the number of people who have told me they have the perfect job for me whenever I’m ready to come back. Or they have contract work for me if I ever want to start up working a bit.
And I personally really have enjoyed being home with my kids. Although I know many people miss work and want to go back. But this is a good opportunity to figure out what works for you!
Boston Legal Eagle says
We’ve talked about parenting podcasts here before – I just have to put in a plug for a new one “Motherhood Sessions,” produced by Gimlet media. Moms who sit in and share their experiences, while a trained therapist digs deeper. I feel like episode 2 can really hit home for a lot of us (recovering) anxious, perfectionist types.
Anonymous says
Thanks for this rec.
FVNC says
Thanks! I’ve been looking for new parenting podcasts and just downloaded a couple episodes of this.
anony says
Thank you! Always looking for good parenting podcasts.
LittleBigLaw says
Looking for some commiseration from other tax-spouses this morning. Every year I think the week leading up to the 15th is the worst week of the year until the next two weeks roll around. Despite the fact that I almost single-handedly hold down the house, our two kids, family/church/social obligations, and a very demanding FT job for almost 4 months every year so that DH can focus on “busy season,” he can’t seem to hold it together for more than 2 days after tax season is over so that I can get to some semblance of caught up at work. It’s almost like we need a full month to reset expectations and reconnect in a way that doesn’t make us both want to scream at the other person and go watch tv alone in another room. Does it have to be this hard? Are we doing this wrong??
Anonymous says
People will probably tell you to hire more help during his busy season, but honestly I think the problem is your DH. You’re doing everything for 4 months of the year, he needs to trade off with you and really shoulder the load at home for a few months when he’s not busy. He can’t even manage 2 days? Boy, bye. (Unless you’ve agreed that his career takes precedence and you do more around the home, but it doesn’t sound like that’s the case to me, nor should it be since you have a very demanding full-time job.)
Anonymous says
Agreed. Like, first weekend after tax season you leave for the spa Friday at 5 and return Sunday night.
anon says
I agree with the other commenters that you need to have a discussion with DH. I also have a tax season DH. Though we’re really lucky that he works a reduced schedule (9-6) most of the season so only the last 4 weeks are awful, but still it’s so hard. I try to do the minimum during the busy time and he has to pick up the slack later. DD had a ton of doc appointments (special needs kid) that were coming due so I scheduled them all for after busy season and he’s handling all of them. I also had a long list of household things that he’s been knocking out and I’ve worked weekends to catch up since. But again this works because DH has a great attitude about it – it sounds like you need to tell DH to step it up.
anne-on says
I both think this is unacceptable behavior by your DH while also sympathizing with him. It is almost like a deployment in a way – you’re used to doing things your way on your own, he’s used to doing things JUST for him/work and to have both of you go back to being partners takes some adjusting.
Can you carve out an hour together to discuss this and make some concrete asks? What would help you feel more balanced during his busy season? What happens when you reach your limit (hire help, ask family to support you, call in your network, etc.). How does he feel about re-engaging after this period and how can he ‘ramp up’ while you ‘ramp down’ so to speak. If he is totally unable to accept responsibility for how he’s acting or discuss this, then that would be the bigger issue for me.
While NOT at all the same, I notice that I am really crabby and short with my kiddo/husband after long work trips. I got into the groove of only handling work/me stuff and having to transition back to work/home/kid/pet/spouse stuff was hard! I know my DH needed a break but I also needed to be sure I was ramping my work stuff down a bit at that time otherwise I totally burned out.
LittleBigLaw says
Thanks so much for this comment. This is exactly the issue. From June to December DH & I are generally able to trade off work/family responsibilities equitably but tax season just is a whole other world. It’s like we each operate in survival mode silos to get through it and then can’t figure out how to get back to trading off in the weeks after. I would love to figure out how to maintain more balance from January to April but his hours and inability to work remotely make it seem impossible. By this point every year we are both so frayed out there’s very little grace left.
Anonymous says
Would timing a vacation around this time reset life for you both?
TheElms says
This is probably not going to be a popular comment, and I’m not trying to take your DH’s side because he does need to step up. I think for your family you just need to help him find the right way to transition faster.
Is it possible that he just needs 1-2 days to relax/recharge after the 15th before taking over the family responsibilities to give you a break/chance to refocus on your demanding job. I know it puts the burden on you for a few more days which seems unbearable, but if it made the transition, when it came smoother, would it be worth it?
This is primarily motivated by thinking about how I feel after a trial or other big event (mediation, presentation, etc) with a long and difficult run up. I’m completely spent when it ends and need a moment before I can engage again. Twice in the last 3 years I’ve worked 60-90 days with almost no day or even evenings off and 10-18 hour days every day for those periods. If I had had to transition immediately from that to something else (especially if that something else is also demanding like managing all the family responsibilities solo) I would have failed miserably.
Anonymous says
This is exactly what I was thinking – when I have my busy periods at work, the first few days after I cannot function and basically need to sleep and zone out. From speaking to coworkers, this is fairly common.
IHeartBacon says
It sounds like both of you could use a couple days off. You need a couple days off from taking on all the extra work outside of your full-time job, and he needs a couple days off after being in the middle of his busiest season at work. If this were my husband and me, and I just got out of a four-month trial, and on my first day back my husband wanted to just dump me for the weekend with LO, I would be fuming because I would need a couple days myself to decompress after going nonstop for four months.
Do you and your husband have the option of taking a few days off and having someone watch your kids? You could do something together or go your separate ways to just decompress on your own. Either way, it’ll probably do you both some good to each have a couple days off. For next year, you may even want to have a 3-day weekend pre-planned for just the two of you so you both have something to look forward to on April 16.
Anon says
+1000
Anon says
Fellow CPA spouse here. First of all, I completely commiserate with you – tax season is rough and it’s so incredibly frustrating to feel like you have little support at home because of your spouses job demands.
I I feel like this is going to be an unpopular opinion, but — I think you may have better luck if you allow him a few days to unwind. You absolutely should be able to expect him to pick things up at home for awhile so you can catch up at work. That’s 100% reasonable. But expecting that to start on April 16th (or even within a few days) might be an exercise in frustration for both of you. If you can hang on for a few days after tax season before expecting him to be back to his normal self, you might get better results.
If I came out of long trial and my husband said “bye, I’m going to the spa” the next day, it wouldn’t go well. Tax season is similarly draining. (I know that’s not what you’re doing, but it was suggested above.)
LittleBigLaw says
The trial analogy is so helpful this morning. You’re all right. I’m a litigator and definitely need time to decompress after an intense work period. Like I said above, there’s so little grace/patience left at this point, and I’ve definitely let myself slip a little bit into a martyrdom mentality, which isn’t fair. Thank y’all for the perspective! Normally we do take a weekend “tax trip” but Easter and kiddo’s birthday messed everything up this year. I think we may just each need to take a pto day to sleep.
TheElms says
Maybe you can just say to each other that you recognize that neither of you are at your best right this moment. So lets just get to X day (hopefully a week day so kids are at school) and then we can both take a day off to do nothing /whatever each person wants with no judgment and then after that day we will work out a plan. This way of you snap at each other hopefully the other party takes it less personally.
My husband and I do this from time to time during really stressful periods and it really helps because it takes the pressure off to be the best version of yourself (that you’d like to be for your spouse) when you really aren’t up to it.
CPA Lady says
Maybe if you gave him a couple of days to truly truly rest he would be able to get back into the full swing of things faster? You obviously need a few days to rest too. But maybe he gets April 16th and 17th and you get April 18th and 19th next year? Spas days for everyone!!! Or ditch the kids and go to Tahiti together? Make a plan ahead of time, when you are both calm and rested. Like in December.
I think one key thing is communication all throughout tax season. And also understanding that your spouse is not working these hours because he’s a slacker who wants to skip out on his responsibilities. He’s working them because the works has to get done and there is a deadline and it is very difficult to get in all the information you need from all the clients you have in a timely fashion.
What I do during tax season (other than wallow in guilt), to give my husband small breaks, is give him a specific weeknight off every week, plus try to pitch in when I can during the portions of the weekends when I am not at work. This year he wanted to go play cards with his buddies on X night each week, so I’d make sure I was home early that night and handled bedtime by myself. I also told him thank you frequently and repeated over and over that he needs to tell me if there is anything he needs me to do differently, because I would hate to have him seething with bitterness and resentment if there was something I could do.
He also let me have a few days off after April 15th and I was so immensely grateful. I’m not talking weeks. I’m talking a couple of days. I was a disaster and would have been unable to recover nearly as quickly if he would have just dumped our kid on me and run away. As it was, I took a couple of days, and bounced back quickly. I have a lot of gratitude and goodwill towards him for his level of understanding. This tax season was awful– much worse than the last several years.
Anonymous says
How come you split the rest of the year if you do everything January to April? Have you though of having him do everything May to August so you get an ongoing break and then split September to December?
Anonymous says
Right? I don’t think it’s the worst thing in the world if he needs to decompress for a week after tax season or whatever, I’m not one of the people saying you need to go to a spa on April 15. But I think it’s fundamentally unfair that you’re the 100% parent for 4 months of the year and the 50% parent for 8 months of the year. You’re not equal partners and he’s not an equal parent.
Anon says
Trying to make sure everything is absolutely equal is an exercise in frustration IME. Things like tax season and trials come around and you both have to just deal with them as best you can. But expecting to take 4 months “off” of parenting responsibilities because your spouse spent 4 months absolutely buried at work seems unreasonable to me.
Anonymous says
Disagree. He just had 4 months off from parenting responsibilites and she said she was trying to catch up at work so it’s not unfair for her to have a chunk of time off from parenting responsibilities. Maybe it isn’t a full 4 months but their current balance is pretty far from ‘absolutely equal’.
Anonymous says
To me “trying to make everything absolutely equal” means nitpicking over whether the division of labor is 50-50 or 52-48. Or trying to divide every task equally. It’s fine if one person always cooks and the other always does the dishes, you don’t have to switch days cooking and cleaning so each person can share in every task. But he’s disappearing for a third of the year and she’s not getting an equivalent block of time to really lean into her career at the expense of family responsibilities. Trials are shorter and it’s not even clear to me that he’s taking over the primary parent role while she prepares for a trial.
Anon says
Agree to disagree, in that case. As I see it, he didn’t have four months “off”, he had four months where he was working nonstop. That’s part of the job in that industry, similar to being in trial for a lawyer.
And I didn’t say their balance was absolutely equal, only that spending a lot of time counting hours on these issues has not been a good use of time IME. I’m much happier when both my spouse and I contribute as much as we can but keep in mind that we are both balancing a lot and have to cover for each other occasionally.
Anon says
It’s hard for me to imagine what taking four months “off” of parenting responsibilities would even look like. (Not to mention that OP didn’t say he took 4 months off.)
Crazy tax seasons are part of the job, just like how long hours are part of biglaw. Would you expect a female CPA to do literally all of the work at home from May-August because her husband was carrying the load during tax season?
Anonymous says
“I almost single-handedly hold down the house, our two kids, family/church/social obligations”
– if she’s doing everything single handedly, it’s pretty fair to say he was ‘off’.
– would definitely expect the same if the genders were reversed. My DH has had to lean hard into his career at times while I held it down at home and vice versa. Sometimes that meant he did every single daycare pick up and drop off and all meals when I had a trial for a month and I’ve done the same for him.
Anonymous says
I would definitely expect the same if the genders were reversed.
Anon says
Okay fair enough. We’ve handled it differently in my marriage and it works for us, but everybody is different.
LittleBigLaw says
DH is willing, and often does, take on the primary parenting role outside of tax season but taking “off” wouldn’t really help in my particular situation. What I was trying to address in my original (admittedly whiny) post was less about an equal division of responsibilities and more about the terrible reset/reconnect phase after the looonnng tax season. It’s those two weeks after deadline day when I want him to immediately buck up and jump back in so that I can get caught up at work and he’s being super impatient and short-tempered at home. If I turned around and enforced a second busy season, where I was all work and he was all home/family, we would be divorced. It’s that all or nothing disconnection that his super-concentrated crazy hours lead to that is so killer.
Anon says
I totally get this and feel the same way. It takes us a while to recalibrate post April 15 too. I didn’t think your post was whiny at all – I’m glad I’m not the only one who struggles with this.
IHeartBacon says
Your post didn’t come across as whiny at all. What you’re dealing with is a real and unique struggle when two working parents have jobs that have incredibly intense periods. You mention you’re a litigator, which probably also means that you have more than one busy season (I.e. you likely have more than one trial scheduled per year) and your trial schedule is less predictable than tax season. I am sure that adds to the overall challenge. You mention that you two usually do a post-tax season trip so it sounds like this year might just be an anomaly.
Anonymous says
I am stressing about which bassinet to get. Our bed has under-bed drawers so the legs of the bassinet can’t go under the bed, which cuts out a lot of options. We plan to have the baby sleep in our room for at least the first 3-4 months or so before transitioning to the crib. Any suggestions for a small, safe bassinet that can go next to the bed, but not under it? Thanks!
Anonymous says
All bassinets sold at buy buy baby are safe. Just pick one that fits your space.
Anon says
Honestly, a pack n play will do the trick, though it’s not fancy. We had to transition from a halo bassinet to the pack and play at three months because I have a super long baby and she outgrew the halo. The pack n play has been totally fine.
Alternatively, I don’t think the arm’s reach has to go under the bed. You don’t have to use it as a cosleeper, it also works as a standalone bassinet.
Lana Del Raygun says
Everything sold in the US as a “bassinet” (or “play yard” or “crib”) is safe, so rest easy (ha) on that score! My sister really likes her Rock ‘n’ Play bassinet (not the recalled sleeper) and I like my pack ‘n’ play bassinet insert, which is larger but I had a very spitty newborn so I was glad to have the space to move her around out of puddles.
Anonymous says
We used a PNP. We put it right up next to the bed and I could reach over and soothe her. She’s 2 and we still use it for travel and I think it was about $50 so definitely one of the best cost-per-use baby items we purchased.
ElisaR says
i used and loved the arms reach co-sleeper. I borrowed one for first baby and bought one off the FB garage sale page for my 2nd baby. Then sold it on the FB garage sale page when I was done with it. I used it for 3 weeks with the first baby and 6 months with the 2nd baby.
ElisaR says
and it would work next to a bed – nothing goes under the bed.
Pogo says
We had the Lullago, and it fits these parameters. I think a mini PnP is also a good option.
Emily S. says
I used the pack and play with DD #1 and the Halo swivel bassinest with DD#2, and I would go with the Halo. Having it right next to the bed was a game-changer: nursing umpteen times a night without getting out of bed — felt so lazy before I actually did it and then it was ah-ma-zing. I bought mine open box from the river store, so it was under $200. Check that out or consignment shops in your area for gently used options.
Eek says
We loved the Chicco Lullago! It’s so nice not to have to reach all the way down into a PNP, and the weight limit is higher than the PNP with bassinet setting (which we also had but didn’t like nearly as much.) LO slept SO well in it – much better than in the PNP – and I was sad when he outgrew it.
Anonymous says
Pnp’s (with the attached bassinets, if you want) are a great option, since chances are you’ll need to get one anyway. Also, if your bedroom is big enough you can just pull the crib up next to your bed, saving yourself from buying a bassinet you might not need for that long. We did this with both our kids and it worked great–baby got used to sleeping in the crib from day 1, totally safe, and easier than a pnp because you can raise the mattress.
Anonymous says
I posted earlier this week about my husband having an affair. He is trying so hard to repair things – he took us to couples counseling this week, is doing lots of nice things for me daily, is supportive as I go through this pain.
I just don’t know how to hold it together – I lost 7 pounds in a few days, cant eat or sleep, feel like a shell of a person. I can’t imagine staying with him but also can’t imagine making my kids go through divorce. Any insight from anyone who has gone through this would be much appreciated.
Anonymous says
If it were me, even if we were trying to reconcile, I’d need time apart/away. I’d probably go away for a long weekend or a week on my own to visit friends or family and reflect. Then I’d probably require spouse to move out to an apartment for a few months while you both reflect on the relationship and go through counseling. It wouldn’t work for me to work on what I want while constantly together. I understand how that disrupts life for the kids and is so hard for a lot of reasons. But you need time alone (or at least without him) right now (IMHO).
AnotherAnon says
+1 to asking him to move out for a bit. A friend of mine asked her husband to move out after he got caught cheating. I think the space was good for her. She was also a shell for a while. It is normal and ok. Try to figure out what you need and ask for it. FWIW, they are trying to work it out, so asking him to move out doesn’t automatically mean you will get a divorce. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Anonymous says
Doesn’t that require telling the kids though? If my husband had an affair, I’d want to do our best to work through it as privately as possible in the beginning, so we could either a) never tell the kids or b) sit them down together and tell them we were divorcing if that’s the decision we reached out.
Anonymous says
A long weekend (or more) to get away and just process definitely sounds helpful and is easily explain-able to the kids without any back story. Mom is just going to take a little vacation and will be back soon.
I don’t remember from the original post how old the OP’s kids are, but if she can’t eat or sleep and feels like a shell of a person, the kids may know something is up anyway. Kids are pretty perceptive. Short of moving out, if you have a guest room or basement room you can tell him to move into temporarily, that might help give you some space.
OP, hugs from an internet stranger. I’m sorry you’re going through this and wish you peace and strength as you move forward however is best for you and your family.
Anonymous says
Oh I agree about the long weekend! For sure she should visit a friend and focus on herself for a while. I meant asking the husband to move out of the family home.
Anonymous says
Im so sorry. And I want to encourage you to think about yourself here. Go see your best friend this weekend. Just make it happen. Who cares if he is doing nice things. You have time to decide what to do and it will take time. Kids will survive a divorce. You will survive. Please get some support.
Anonymous says
I’m so sorry. I think what you’re feeling is very normal. You JUST found out. You can’t be too hard on yourself and definitely don’t compare how you’re handling it to how he’s “handling” it – you’re the victim! And this isn’t new information to him the way it is to you. I hope the counseling helps.
lsw says
I agree. It’s all so fresh and I think it would be impossible to sort through your feelings completely right now. Be kind to yourself and lean on your team. Hugs from this internet stranger.
anon says
Agree with every word of this. Take whatever time you need, and you don’t need to have all the answers right now. I’m thinking of you, OP!
anon says
Agree with the posted that you just found out. Please be kind to yourself as you process! I do know some couples that have stayed together post-affair. When I was helping a friend deal with a similarly devastating affair (and she did stay), I told her that she didn’t need to rush to make decisions. There is no clock or timer on this. Give yourself time to sort out what you want. You are entitled to feel all your feelings for as long as you want. My friend let her boss know in some very vague terms that she was dealing some family issues so they would be a little more understanding at her office as her performance definitely wasn’t the same. I hope you are able to see a therapist just for yourself in addition to the couples therapist!
Anonanonanon says
I missed the post earlier this week, but I highly recommend ChumpLady.
Also, YOU wouldn’t be making your kids go through divorce, that was a decision HE made when he destroyed your family. You didn’t do that, it is NOT on you. Don’t let yourself feel guilty for what he has done.
Also, protect your finances, get some consults with attorneys (preferably all of the best ones so he can’t use them) and get your ducks in a row. If he would do that to you, there’s no guarantee he will play nice if it comes to a divorce.
OP says
I am seeing an attorney today for a consult, just to get a picture of what it could look like, but probably will research a better one for the future, just in case. Anything else I should do financially? Print records of all our saving accounts, etc? Any advice on finding the best lawyers in town?
Anonanonanon says
Some of the ladies on this site who work in this field probably have more specific advice, but I would ask the attorney if they know of a Certified Financial Planner who specializes in divorce, or a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst. Make sure you have all the info on retirement accounts etc.
Anonymous says
I’d ask if I could withdraw/transfer a certain amount of money from joint accounts to a new account in my name only and/or open a new account for my paycheck. I’d want at least $5000-$10,000 in my own name in case things went south fast, and I needed emergency money. More ideally, I’d want to move half of our cash over and might even tell spouse to be transparent about it. I’d probably say that while he is working on re-earning my trust, I’m not comfortable with him having access to all the cash. And the equitable thing to do is just split it in half.
So Anon says
I think where you are is totally normal. Your world has been rocked and turned upside down; it is not fair to expect yourself to carry on as if everything were normal. Be as gentle as you can with yourself. I agree with the others who recommended getting away for a few days, if any way possible. Please don’t view taking time away as a luxury or self-indulgent, it is literally putting on your oxygen mask by getting fresh air to breathe. Take a few days, think about where you are what you want. You do not have to make any decisions today.
Also, I wanted to share a phrase that resonated with me from my therapist: Yes, I filed for divorce, but STBX ended the marriage through his behavior. I have struggled with feelings that I could not grieve, miss him, be sad, etc. because I am the one who filed. I am the one who took the active step to say enough. BUT his actions brought the marriage to its end. I did not force our children into this situation; I took the step of showing my children that this is not true love and partnership. I am showing my son and daughter that it is not ok to be treated in the way that I (and we) have been.
Hang in there. Hugs.
So Anon says
A few other thoughts on the practical front: I found smoothies were one of the few foods that I could stomach and I could throw a bunch of stuff in to know that I was getting at least a little nutrition. Listening to an audible book with headphones designed for sleeping helped the nights not feel like torture. I recommend a book like “Happiness for Beginners” or something with a soft lovely voice and story. Sunshine helps as does moving your body in whatever way brings even the slightest amount of happiness.
I have been where you are says
You are not alone. I have been there. Five years ago my husband cheated on me. To say that time period was incredibly difficult is an understatement. I was consumed by my disbelief, confusion, and anger. I was ashamed of my present circumstances and fearful for my future. I had to accept that, whether or not we stayed together, my life was permanently different. That was hard. But I also found beauty in the messiness of it all because I had been broken open and finally had to surrender to something that I could not control. Know that this is a season of your life, and it will pass. It’s okay to fall apart. This is not forever.
anon says
Another encouragement to take care of yourself! I fell completely apart after a break up a few years ago and I will be forever thankful to a long-time (but not particularly close) friend who asked me point blank: are you sleeping? are you eating? And then made the point very bluntly that it was very important for me to figure out how to make those two happen, to the exclusion of all else, if needed. *Those are your critical attack points right now.* I can’t speak to getting over the cheating but I would do whatever you FEEL like would make it better–get out of the house, ask him to get out, ask him to get out with the kids, you go somewhere with a friend, go somewhere alone, whatever sounds easiest. Use your support system–voice your needs and they will be happy to step up right now. Call your doctor to get some sleep meds and eat whatever you can manage. You might also ask your doctor about anxiety meds. I don’t have chronic anxiety but an occasional xan*x made it so I could function well enough to work and sometimes even eat something when I was at my worst. Maybe approach it like eating after a stomach bug–bland things that are easy on the stomach but have some calories and hydration. You need sleep to manage your emotions (and to survive) and you need food to survive. They are important and getting those two under control will make everything else more manageable.
Anon Sending Love says
One of my BFFs is going through something similar – found our her husband was emotionally cheating with a colleague, and her husband likely only told her because colleague’s husband found out and threatened to come over at an ungodly hour and tell my BFF herself. BFF is definitely trying to be/do her best. The difference in this situation is (well, one of them): she wants to reconcile, he is TBD.
Anyway, sharing this story to just send you love, let you know you’re not alone, and best wishes through this journey.
Anonymous says
Oof, tell your friend to lawyer up. If there’s no immediate remorse on the part of the cheater, I feel like it’s 0.1% odds of saving the marriage.
Anon Sending Love says
Thanks! I believe she’s had a consult with a really good family law attorney – I need to follow up with her on how it went. Will keep this in mind.
Anon says
I’ve been there. It hurts a lot… for a long time. If you both want to work on the marriage you should definitely stay together. It takes time and effort to rebuild trust, but it was worth it for me. It has been almost 3 years now and we feel like we have the marriage that we both always wanted. It’s like a new marriage, but with the same person. He even got me a new wedding ring and proposed all over again once we really got back on solid ground.
Focus on self care as much as you can and give yourself time to grieve. Whether or not you decide to separate, you have lost something dear. I’m sorry you are going through this.
OP says
Thank you. This post means everything – this is my goal. We had a really crappy marriage which is probably led to the affair.
Any advice on what helped you work through things and get to that place you are at now?
So Anon says
I just met with a realtor to sell our marital home. This house represented the dream we had of moving out of town, having a small hobby farm and raising our kids in the fresh air. The dream is gone, and I know the house needs to go too. The house, the land, the barns are all too much for me to care for on my own. I spent many days this winter screaming at the snowblower or trying to do snow removal. I can’t manage to mow or take care of 5 acres and three barns. The house is old and in need of constant repair. But I am still having a tough time letting it go.
Anonymous says
Hugs.
Anonymous says
Letting it go gives you the freedom to find new dreams. Imagine what you can do when you live in a three bedroom townhouse with no outdoor maintenance responsibilities at all.
farrleybear says
This. Give yourself time to mourn the loss, but then try to get some joy out of finding a new dream for you and kiddos.
AnotherAnon says
+Hugs. This makes me so sad for you.
ElisaR says
I’m sorry. I have been following your updates as it reminds me of my situation 7 years ago. Hang in there, you sound like you’re handling everything with much thoughtfulness, respect and rationality. It’s ok to be sad because it is sad. Sending you love!
Playset Recommendations says
I posted about the playset recommendation last week. Still trying to decide. Any comments on what a typical amount to spend on a new playset is? Thanks to the poster who recommended looking at the secondhand market. I did, but am in a smaller town, so the options are limited. Everything I saw looked like an extra tetanus shot waiting to happen :-/
Emily S. says
Our was about $1600, and we spent about $900 on mulch to have a cushy corner of the yard to put it on. (Typing that, I really can’t believe we spent that, but we’ve used the heck out of it already, in the 9 months since we’ve had it.) New Jersey swingsets had the best price; we saw a range from $1000-$3500 on Jet, Home Depot, Lowe’s, etc. It seemed like $1500-$2000 was the middle ground for a decent set.
Redux says
Any advice for dealing with a 5-year old stealing? I caught my kid with a small thing she took from our friend’s house. She fessed up once I asked her about it, and seemed to really take the lesson to heart. I want her to return the item and apologize to my friend, but would love some thoughts on how to do it well so that the lesson sticks without making her feel like a terrible person.
Anonymous says
I think keep it simple and just have her return it and apologize. FWIW I stole a ton of stuff from ages 5-6 and I’m pretty sure it stopped on its own and I never stole/steal as a teen or adult. I think this is just a normal kid quirk.
Spirograph says
Yes. I distinctly remember shoplifting a tiny little craft thing when I was around 5 or 6. It probably cost 10 cents.
My mom found out and made me return it to the store and apologize. I was mortified, of course. I don’t remember whether I ever stole anything else as a young kid, but it’s definitely not something I made a habit of once I was old enough to know better.
Redux says
This somehow feels worse to me than taking something from a store. Stealing from someone you know and who loves you (and who, incidentally, had given her like 5 gifts that day) is so much more personal.
Anonymous says
It feels better to me than stealing from a store, because from a practical perspective the police are not going to get involved in this kind of situation. As the parent of a mixed-race kid, the last thing I want is some store owner calling the police about shoplifting, because it could end with my kid getting shot. So yeah, I’d much rather he save his petty crime for people we know well.
Also, while I understand why you feel this is more of a betrayal, it’s totally normal for kids to push boundaries the hardest with those they love and trust the most. It’s why they save all their meltdowns for their parents and are perfect angels at daycare. This is just an indication that your kid feels safe with your friend, which is a good thing.
Redux says
I hear that. My kids are mixed-race, too, and I know it means a world of difference to black and brown kids than it does to white kids. I hear you.
This is a good reframe– pushing boundaries with people she feels safe around. Thanks for that!
Spirograph says
Anonymous at 1:35, I’m so sorry you have to deal with the additional layer of stress about how authorities might react to your child because of his or her skin color.
I’m white, but FWIW, in my childhood shoplifting case, my mom hauled me back to the store, asked to talk with the manager, and then had me apologize and offer to either pay for the item or return it. The manager was appropriately stern, but thanked me for confessing and took my money. Now that I’m thinking about it, I’m pretty sure my mom called ahead and talked to the manager first. Otherwise the manager probably would have been annoyed that his day was interrupted for an item that wouldn’t have even showed up on an inventory report.
Redux, I think you can have the same basic script for your daughter, even though it’s a friend instead of a store. I’m assuming this friend is an adult, have you talked with him/her already? It might be good to get the friend on board so friend’s reaction can be part of the lesson.
1. I took this without asking
2. I know it was wrong
3. I’m sorry I betrayed your trust
4. Can I do anything else to help make this better? (Daniel Tiger: “saying ‘I’m sorry’ is the first step, then ‘how can I help?'”) Maybe the friend could have some kind of light chore that your daughter could do to further atone.
Redux says
Great script, Sprio, thanks!
Anonymous says
I agree about just having her give it back and apologize. Fwiw, I don’t think shoplifting at that age is all that terrible, but I also think borrowing something (even without permission) from a friend isn’t as bad as stealing from a store.
Redux says
Oh this was not in any way “borrowing,” haha. She hid the thing and smuggled it out of my friend’s house unseen!