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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Preganon says
Thoughts on switching OB practices not long before delivery? I am almost 35 weeks with #2 and LOVE my OB. Though she delivers at a hospital with a reputation for lots of interventions, I was able to have an unmedicated birth per my plan and everything went so well. I think this is largely because she happened to be the doctor working and allowed me to push and deliver in the positions that felt best for me (upright and on hands and knees). I met with my doula last night and we went over my plan for this time around – which is basically to try to repeat last time to the extent possible – and she warned me that other doctors in the practice require women to deliver on their backs (she’s attended deliveries where this has occurred). This is a real concern for me because being on my back was by far the most uncomfortable position last time and I just can’t imagine how pissed I’d be if I’m ready to push and someone is forcing me into a position that doesn’t feel right for my body. I reached out to my Dr., but I’m considering switching practices given the strong likelihood that I won’t be lucky enough to have her deliver this baby too. According to my doula – there are practices that will let you push/deliver however you wish. But of course I would be sad to leave my Dr. and nervous about switching so late (if they’d even take me this late!). Thoughts? What would you do?
Anonymous says
I dunno, I admit I’m kind of anti-doula but it seems like fear-mongering on the doula part. I would talk to your OB and say “hey what happens if you’re not the one delivering? Are other doctors in the practice on board with my birth plan?” Hopefully s/he can reassure you. I wouldn’t listen to secondhand gossip from the doula.
Anonymous says
I don’t think it’s secondhand gossip if the doula has witnessed it herself.
But I would not even try to switch practices for this reason at this point. I would bring the issue up with your doctor, have her make a note in your chart if possible about the positions that were most successful for you last time, and make a plan with your doula and partner, if applicable, for how to respond if the doctor on call tries to insist that you deliver on your back. It would be useful to have your preferred doctor be part of that last discussion.
Also, every labor is different. If baby is positioned differently, what worked last time may not work this time. The easiest thing to do is to keep all of your options open.
EB0220 says
I did switch practices around 30 weeks because I moved. Most practices won’t take you after a certain number of weeks and I think 35 may be too late. FWIW I would not switch based on this feedback. I would just talk it over with your particular OB at the next appt (which should be soon anyway!) to see if you can address your concerns. In both of my births, the nurses handled most of the pushing and the dr was only there for the last bit. Well, with my 2nd the doctor actually wasn’t there at all. Ha. Anyway. For me, there are so many variables that this particular bit of feedback wouldn’t be enough to justify the hassle of switching.
AwayEmily says
Really good point — in both of my deliveries the nurses handled pretty much everything up until the last few minutes (which worked to my disadvantage for #2 because the nurse was, while nice, very inexperienced and didn’t get me my epidural in time. I’m still mad about that).
Anonymous says
+1 on all of this
Anonymous says
I would confirm with your OB. They may be able to tell you who is on call when you are due. Laboring at home as long as you can will reduce interventions plus second labors tend to go faster/easier which means delivering on your back may be okay. On my first delivery, I ended up with a lot of interventions because the doctor who attended my birth was not open to my birth plan at all and was very different from my doctor who I saw all along. Like telling me I wasn’t really ‘trying’ after I had been pushing for 2 hours. Thankfully I had a much better experience on my second birth.
Preganon says
Thanks – I’m sorry about your first experience — that’s exactly the type of situation I’d like to avoid.
rosie says
I would probably not switch practices. I would talk to your OB about your concerns, though — maybe she can put a note on your chart about what worked for you last time & supporting that for you this time unless it seems truly medically necessary to do something else. I think it would be hugely stressful to try to filter other practice groups for this issue at this point.
I am pro-doula. But this also sounds like anecdata, and it seems like a lot of factors could influence how likely you are to end up in that situation that you may not know about (how many drs in the practice? how many that would try to get you on your back?). Also, it seems plausible that the cases your doula witnessed might have had medical rationales. When I was in labor, my dr wanted me to be on one side rather than the other because my baby’s heartrate was more steady. Maybe there was something similar going on in those other cases.
Anonymous says
I like the idea of having your OB included a ‘recommended labor position’ or something based on success last time and a note that delivery should be in mother’s preferred position unless fetal distress specifically necessitates a different position.
anon says
I agree with the second paragraph, and also do not think it would be wise to switch practices at this point in your pregnancy. The note in your chart seems like a great first step. I would also discuss this with your partner so that he/she is 100% aware of your concerns and angst, and can be another advocate for you, if and when appropriate. Also, you’ve done this before mama, you can do it again!
I do think we as a country dismiss women’s preferences during birth (and patients’ needs and preferences, generally) and that doing so results in worse outcomes on the whole. However, I have also seen caregivers other than MDs/DOs express their opinions in ways that are not helpful or even counterproductive.
Pogo says
Agree with this (and I’m also pro-doula). I think it is an opportunity to open up the conversation with your OB about what options there are – for example, the beds at the hospital I delivered at have all kinds of options, including a squat bar, which allows the doctor to be positioned as if you were on your back, but you get to be more upright (if that makes sense). But I would not switch based on this one piece of information.
It’s also so tough to know exactly who will be delivering – my labor spanned 3 days and I had a midwife, a resident, and finally the on-call attending see me – the attending being the one who actually did my delivery. The attending’s shift was 24 hours, but the residents was not (I think there are laws around this now? To allow residents to sleep more?), and I’m actually not sure if there even was a resident there at 4am when I delivered (in any case, he wasn’t in the room – just nurses and the attending!). Anyway, it just seems like so many variables to control, and switching practices would potentially not solve the issue.
Preganon says
Thanks for the suggestions ladies. Apparently there is at least one care provider who will not deliver in any position other than lithotomy, which is my concern. Of course I would not do anything to compromise the safety of my baby. In fact, my baby was having pretty serious decelerations last time and being in an upright position (which apparently wouldn’t be possible with all providers at my practice) helped get things back to normal.
Anonymous says
I don’t understand how, logistically, a doctor could refuse to deliver your baby in your preferred position. What is she going to do, leave the room until you lie down? Tackle you and pin you down?
Preganon says
I don’t quite understand it either, but I’d like to avoid being in a position where I’m in transition and potentially having to argue with someone who’s demanding that I do something I don’t want to do.
Quail says
I would probably push back more now with my second (no pun intended…), but I was pushing on my hands and knees and the doctor made me move to my back with my first for the actual delivery, which was just a few minutes of pushing. At that moment, I just followed directions even though I would have preferred not to. Quite frankly I wasn’t in the mindset to contest – I just wanted that baby out! But my first was born very quickly – less than 30 minutes after we arrived at the hospital – and so in the end it was all a blur. My doula didn’t intervene, but I can’t really fault her as it was all happening very fast. So, it does happen and I can totally see how someone could end up in that situation.
Anonymous says
Ignore your fear mongering doula, talk to your doctor, and stick to your plan. It is insanity to interrupt your medical care at 35 weeks when you had a good experience last time because some quack has vague rumors to share.
Preganon says
This is a person I trust with lots of experience. I am glad to be aware of other experiences with other care providers before I’m in the moment so I can at least understand the range of options.
Anonmom says
Mom of 2 here – we sound very similar. I had unmedicated hospital births for both kids per my birth plans. I also did not want to labor on my back. For both of my labors, I was mobile. However, the same OB on duty for both of my deliveries – who was not my primary OB at the practice – basically made me. I and my husband did argue with her. In the end, it was… completely fine. I didn’t even like my primary OB at the practice, but in retrospect it still would not have been worth switching doctors at 35 weeks over this. Your doula can probably fight harder on this issue in the moment, too. It was such a short part of the experience that I still look back on it very happily, even as a successful implementation of my birth plans.
cbg says
I was in this exact situation, except it was my 1st birth. And my doctor wasn’t on call when I went into labor. The old man who was, insisted I get in bed and hooked up to fluids/monitors, before he even arrived at the hospital, looked at my chart or even met me. With the support of my husband and doula we declined his care and let the residents be in charge. Once we did that it was amazing, everyone relaxed and actually became almost excited, the chief resident totally shifted her tone and let me do whatever worked for me. I think newer OBs may be more agreeable and excited to see natural births ? After the birth I had a nice chat with my OB, she totally understood, apologized for her colleague and lamented that she would probably lose me as a patient for future births because of her partners. No idea who I’ll choose for my next birth, but I’ll keep the doula, she was so so amazing. It’s never to late to change care providers, but also the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t.
anon says
Has anyone tried the maternity brand storq? I’m getting a lot of fb ads for them. Last time I was pregnant in the winter so I wore a lot of dresses with tights but as I’m entering summer I’m finding I want more pants and tops but can’t find anything I love.
anon says
I’m the poster who started the conversation about kids’ activities last week. Namely, whether our family is trying to do too much. Since that time, I have canceled my daughter’s gymnastics class (she had only a month left anyway) and decided that we’ll take a break from swimming lessons until the end of summer. Tonight, DS will be skipping soccer practice to give him time to rest because he’s in his school musical tomorrow night. He cares more about the musical than soccer, plus our family just flat-out needs a break. In a way, it feels wrong to skip practice without a good reason other than “we don’t feel like it” — but on the other hand, it’s 3rd-grade recreational soccer, you know? Family needs > sports. So, here’s to choosing priorities and pushing back on expectations. For us, activities have never been about getting ahead or creating uber-talented kids, but even on a minor scale, it is really easy to get sucked into what everyone is doing. Particularly if you live in a very sports-driven town, which we do.
Mama Llama says
Good for you! Enjoy your family time.
Lana Del Raygun says
Someone pointed out before that it’s just as important to give your kids breathing space and family time as it is to give them soccer and gymnastics, and I want to add that you’re also setting an example of resting, setting boundaries, sticking to your own priorities, etc. My family of origin is pretty bad at saying no and I got really burned out in college because I didn’t learn when I was younger, so I applaud you!
anon says
Thank you — it helps to hear this. My family of origin also is bad about saying no to … anything, really, so I’m trying to model healthier behaviors for my own children.
IHeartBacon says
Great to hear. Knowing when to say enough is enough before someone breaks is an incredibly valuable lesson for your kids and you’re leading a good example. You’re not skipping one practice because you all don’t feel like going; you’re skipping one practice to give everyone a break and allow your son to prepare for his performance tomorrow.
TheElms says
Skipping one week of rec soccer because the musical is the following day is not doing failing to do something because “we don’t feel like it”, its recognizing that your kid is a kid and needs rest to do his best at the musical which is also important to him (and which is presumably a one night or maybe two night thing). Its totally ok and sensible to do this.
Argumentative 5 Year Old says
My five year old daughter has become crazy argumentative lately. Every statement is met with a retort, and it seems like nothing I do meets her needs/standards, which are ever shifting. She has also started boldly lying. For example, I will tell her its time to brush her hair, and she becomes adamant that I have already brushed her hair (or she took a bath last night or she didn’t have desert, etc.). She has always been a spirited kid and has gone through spurts of testing boundaries in ways that push me to my limits. Any resources or thoughts on how to handle this behavior?
anon says
Sharing this out of kindness, I promise! Dessert is the sweet we eat after dinner, desert is where camels live. My memory trick is that you always want more dessert (two s’s) but not usually more deserts (one s). I am terrible at remembering spellings like that and always appreciate when someone can throw a good memory trick at me :).
anon says
PS Sorry your kiddo is being tough! I wish I had some good suggestions on that front but don’t have any littles myself (yet).
Anonymous says
Really? I’m not the OP of this thread, but she wrote the word exactly once, it was pretty clearly a typo/autocorrect. It’s not like she said “My kid wants more desert but I don’t want to let her eat any more desert, so then we have a meltdown about not having two deserts.” I really don’t think OP needs a mnemonic….
anon says
Really what? Yes, it was really meant out of kindness.
Anonymous says
I meant really as in “Really, we’re doing this?” It was a freaking typo. We all make them, I guarantee you have made them, and she doesn’t need a condescending lecture about the difference when she’s trying to ask for advice about a difficult situation with her kid. Even if you “meant it out of kindness.”
Anonymous says
How is this kind? Just stop.
Anon says
Meh, I’m guessing OP knows the difference between the two words and it’s just a typo.
Anonymous says
Oh please. No one asked you for a speling leson.
Anonymous says
Slate’s Care and Feeding advice column had a letter about a 6-year-old that lied a lot, and the answer may be helpful to you. https://slate.com/human-interest/2019/04/lying-creativity-stories-kids-care-and-feeding.html
Mama Llama says
My daughter is the same. I try not to get sucked into arguing with her because I will never win. So if she says you already combed her hair I wouldn’t get into “No I didn’t/Yes you did,” I would just say, “Well it’s still tangled so we need to comb it before we can do X.” If she wants to say something untrue that doesn’t matter, I try not to get into it. Like if she says, “I had cupcakes for lunch,” I would either ignore, or just say “OK,” or say, “Really? I think you had a peanut butter sandwich,” and then let it go.
You might be interested in the chapter on lying in the book Nurture Shock. It talks about taking away the opportunity for lying, so if you see that she has colored on the wall instead of saying, “Did you color on the wall?” you would say, “I see you have colored on the wall.” I try to do that when I can remember.
Anon says
Someone posted almost this exact comment on my local fb moms group this morning. I don’t have any advice but know you aren’t alone!
mascot says
So on a related note for how to handle the lying for a slightly older argumentative child – we offer amnesty sometimes. Example- something happened at my kid’s school last week and he was swearing up and down right afterwards that while he was present, he wasn’t an active participant. The infraction was one that would be handled by the school and I didn’t see the immediate need for additional home punishment. But, I suspected that he wasn’t owning up to his participation and dishonesty is something that gets you extra punishment at home. So I told him he had x hours to reconsider his story and see if he remembered anything additional about his role. If I later found out he lied, all sorts of punishment would follow. Within a hour, he confessed to being involved. I think sometimes kids back themselves into a corner and double down on a lie because they don’t know what else to do when emotions are running high. This approach won’t work for everything but seemed to work well for promoting honesty the first time.
Anonymous says
Can we talk disappointing work evaluations after having a baby? I had my first child last summer and returned to work in the fall. I just had my first annual review since returning and it was really disappointing. We get numerical scores and they were lower than they’ve ever been, although still more than satisfactory. But my comments from my boss really threw me. I think there are probably some factually accurate things he could have said about decreased productivity (although I’m still more productive than a lot of my coworkers), but instead he chose to nitpick really silly things. He admits my work is excellent but then says things like “I would have liked to see her do XYZ on the ABC project”…XYZ is very tangential to our work, and he never mentioned it. I sort of feel like I’m being penalized for not reading his mind. There are also a lot of things that I would consider backhanded compliments, like saying I’m doing an especially good job for someone new in the role…when I’ve been here almost 5 years. Also, this is petty, but there are a lot of comparisons to a male colleague that strike me as unfair and kind of inappropriate. I’m really thrown and I’m not sure how to proceed. Do you think I’m reading too much into it with respect to the timing? Is this his passive aggressive-way of saying he wants me to be more productive? (But then why not just say that?) I’m not really sure what I’m asking, but would welcome anyone’s advice.
Anon says
I don’t think you’re reading too much into it.
Anon For This says
I have been in this exact situation after returning to work after having a baby. I also thought I was reading too much into it. I wasn’t. My manager did these exact things– “I would have liked to see her do (very obscure thing I have never mentioned to her),” backhanded compliments about me being “new” when I’ve also been here for over 5 years, and comparisons to a male colleague (who is my peer and whom I objectively, measurably outperform).
I later learned through the office grapevine that he had been making some lightly but frequently critical comments on my work, to his boss (my “big” boss, I guess). Turns out he was doing this to a couple other young ( in our 30s– he’s mid-50s) women in the office. Also turns out the big boss thought it was a bunch of garbage and demoted the manager, so he’s not my manager anymore. We all agreed it was very blatant sexism that he directed towards young women once we started to be more established in the office and that he did it to anyone he viewed as a potential threat to his managerial role.
Yes, it is his passive-aggressive way of making a point– but you asked “why not just say that,” and the answer is that it’s not because you need to be more productive. It’s not a “you” problem at all. It’s a “him” problem. It’s definitely sexism, and that may be all it is, or it may be that combined with him perceiving you as a threat. I don’t know your office structure, but is there anyone else on his level, or the level right above him, that you can confidentially ask about your review? Is there anyone you trust that you can very slightly raise the issue with? More openly, do you have HR that you can approach– it may not be time for that yet, but that’s something to keep in mind, especially as it becomes more blatant. Because it will.
I’d also start documenting most of your interactions with this manager. I’d ask periodically if there’s anything you can do differently, or better, or anything you can do that you’re not doing. When he says no, you’re doing great (which is what he’s going to say), I would email yourself a short summary of the conversation. Then when your next review is subpar (which it will be), you’ll have this dated documentation that you’ve asked how to improve and he’s told you nothing.
OP says
Thank you. It does sound like a very similar situation and I really appreciate your advice.
Lana Del Raygun says
It’s hard to say without more context. Is he generally passive-aggressive? Has he given you clearer feedback in the past, or compared you to coworkers? Have you heard him dumping on new mothers before?
OP says
No, not generally passive-aggressive, at least not that I’d noticed before. I think there have been some comparisons to others before, but not as stark as this. I’m the only mom he manages, which I think is just coincidence and not a negative reflection on him (it’s a small team). The male colleague in question is a father, fwiw.
Anon says
Does he wife work? I hate to ask that but unfortunately I think the fact that he’s a father is a lot less relevant if he has a spouse who is able to handle the home workload.
Anonymous says
Even if the colleague’s wife works, there’s probably still a double standard. There are lots of studies out there that fathers are perceived better than non-fathers in the workplace, but the opposite is true for mothers/non-mothers. We all see it all the time. Everyone coos over a father leaving early to catch a school play and talks about what a dedicated father he is, but when it’s a mom doing it, people roll their eyes and talk about how she’s not focused on the job.
Pogo says
I used to always think that too (“I’m reading too much into this”) but I had two past jobs where it became clear that I was NOT, so I would trust your gut.
Ask for actionable feedback, and then document how you take action. Also, I don’t generally agree with going to HR because they are on the side of management, not you, and will not be looking out for your interests (especially if you mention anything about coming back from maternity leave – they’re going to think lawsuit and go into protection mode). I would instead find a sponsor in your organization who believes in you and work with this person to diffuse until you can get a new manager (since this person does not sound like a good people manager).
lawsuited says
Nothing but commiseration here. I went from being a super star before kids to being a regular star after having kids, and my first review after coming back from mat leave felt similar. I felt like I was killing myself to do a great job at work and a great job at home, so I felt so angry that anyone could suggest I was pulling any punches. I wanted my late night at work to count double because *I’d missed my baby’s bedtime and my b00bs were leaking everywhere*. But the truth is, I don’t put as much effort into work as a used to because a lot of my effort and energy is rerouted into my family. I’m happy with that, and I guess I can’t be surprised that other people notice. That said, it’s important to point out that you’re doing excellent work even if it’s on a different schedule/with different priorities/with more delegation, etc. Rather than apologizing for that, I play it up, and make jokes to my boss in the vein of “you’re so lucky that becoming a mother taught me to be so efficient”, etc.
Anonymous says
I am in a similar spot– Came back to work last fall and at my most recent review, got the first negative feedback in 5 years. I think some of it was unwarranted, but when I really thought about it… yeah, I wasn’t putting as much into my work. I also went from super star to “normal; my feedback was “you used to do great work and now your work is only good.”
I’m torn about how to feel, but ultimately thinking that long-term this is not the right place for me if they are always going to be comparing me to my former self.
lawsuited says
I will say, my first was born in spring 2017 and the attitude towards me has largely recovered since then even though my approach to work remains the same. I recently resigned to go in-house and my boss was devastated and had 2 meetings to try and figure out what they could do to convince me to stay.
shortperson says
i think you should consult with an employment attorney. classic motherhood discrimination. see for example this op ed https://www.nytimes.com/2018/05/16/opinion/workplace-discrimination-mothers.html
Supplementing says
I know people have talked about supplementing here before, and I really appreciate hearing your different perspectives. I’m having trouble pumping enough for daycare, and it’s been that way for a couple months. I pump in the evenings and on weekends to make up for it and get enough for her bottles, but since my baby has started sleeping through the night, I’ve been producing a lot less milk in the evenings after she goes to bed, so the amount of time I put in and the output I get out is disappointing (it ranges from 1.5 oz to 2 oz for the extra pumping session at night). Sometimes I have low output during the day too, and I’m feeling down about pumping. I feel like I need to take pressure off and start supplementing with formula. Logically, I know this is fine, but it’s hard for me to actually make the change. I still have some frozen milk left, and I should probably use that down first. Any thoughts on how I can give myself permission to let go of all this extra pumping? It’s not the worst. I usually read a good book during that time. But I guess the low amount of milk frustrates me and makes me feel like I need to let go. I also have pain in one side from nipple trauma in the past, and I’m just tired of dealing with it and questioning how to solve all these issues that never fully go away. Part of me wants to gradually wean, but that feels like a big step that might not be right yet. My daughter is 7 months old and is happily eating solids. If you can share your own experiences and how it worked out, I’d appreciate it.
supplementing says
Opps – wrong spot for this. Oh well. Maybe someone will see it.
Mama Llama says
Does your baby like formula? I have a baby around the same age, but he doesn’t like it. My pumping output has decreased recently, so I’m topping off bottles with some formula rather that trying to do a wholesale switch. Maybe you could try that and ease your way into it.
supplementing says
She has taken formula a couple times, but does not always drink it when I offer it to her (not sure if she just wasn’t hungry those times, or if she didn’t like the taste). Your strategy makes a lot of sense.
Anonymous says
I stopped pumping at work when my daughter was around 6 months old, and we switched to 100% formula during the work day (we had been supplementing a little before then because I was not pumping quite enough for her). She’s 16 months old and still nursing morning and night, although of course most of her diet at this point is solids. I realize it isn’t this simple for everyone, but for me, weaning from the pump was no big deal and didn’t affect the nursing relationship at all. I would definitely try letting go of the extra pumping and offering formula. If she freaks about formula or something, you can always go back to the extra pumping. Also at this point you can consider upping the solids as a way of getting her some extra calories that don’t come from milk or formula.
AwayEmily says
I felt the same way about starting to supplement, with both kids. But both times I did it, it made a HUGE difference to my mental health. It made me a better, more present, happier mom. So think of it as something positive you are doing for yourself and for your baby.
The other thing that helped was making it mostly the daycare’ responsibility to figure out how much she needed of each. I gave them whatever I had pumped the day before and just said “if she needs more than this, give her formula.” That got me out of the “milk math” mindset.
Good luck! Stopping pumping (or at least reducing) can be incredibly freeing and I hope you find a way to make it work since it sounds like it is the right choice for you.
Anon says
Thank you so much for this advice! I was so resistant to supplementing but once my LO hit 7 months I just could not keep up. Based on your advice on this board I finally starting adding a few ounces of formula to one bottle each day. Supplementing has made it so I don’t have to spend so much emotional energy counting ounces, and it’s such a relief!
AwayEmily says
Yay, I’m so happy to hear this. The constant “am I producing enough” worry can be so omnipresent and draining. I felt physically lighter once it was lifted.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I know this is easier said than done but I fully believe that a happier, more at ease mom (and dad, but dads can’t produce milk) is 1000% more beneficial to baby than whatever benefits breast milk might have, especially after the first few months of life. I have two kids and with my second, I was so much more at ease with supplementing with formula once I started back at work. I still pump because I have time during my work day and it’s not too much of a hassle, but if I felt like it wasn’t worth the effort for whatever reason, I’d cut down. I still have some frozen milk too, so I’m using that as extra if I don’t pump as much as baby drinks, but once I run out, we’re going to add a formula bottle to his daily intake.
ifiknew says
Is there anyone that had the Snoo that didn’t find it useful? I have yet to read a negative review but am still skeptical!
I have various concerns about a night nurse for baby #2, so I’m thinking about cancelling the night nurse and just getting the snoo, but anyone with feedback on night nurse (when breastfeeding) and snoo would be greatly appreciated
CrowTRobot says
We love the Snoo, but it’s not perfect. Overall, it is a great tool for calming my son down and putting him to sleep. We also use it for naps. I sleep right next to the Snoo. I have the swaddle all set up in front of me on the bed, so I can swaddle him up after a night feeding and put him in the Snoo. I have the least amount of issues with it in the middle of the night.
Some cons:
– When he is not feeling sleep, he will sometimes “defeat the Snoo.” He’ll just cry through both Snoo escalations, and the Snoo will just turn off. It’s not really an issue with the Snoo… we are probably putting him to bed not sleepy.
– His left arm has been breaking free of the swaddle lately. In fact, he just hates the swaddle. He will cry so hard during the initial swaddling. Sometimes I nurse him swaddled just to calm him down before putting in the Snoo.
It’s a big investment for something that doesn’t work for every baby. Overall, we love it. And we love the peace of mind knowing that he is being safely held on his back. I know that the Snoo is now available for rent, if you don’t want to make the purchase.
Sorry if that was a bit rambling! Despite my praise of the Snoo, we still had a rough sleep last night. I guess nothing can completely stop the 4-month sleep regression?
NYCer says
I have a snoo and a baby nurse, and if you’re debating between the two, I would absolutely pick the baby nurse.
Don’t get me wrong, the snoo is great, but it is very very different than a baby nurse. If you’re already on board with having someone help you with nights (I know some people are anti baby nurse – I am not one of them), then having the assistance is amazing. You really are just so much less exhausted. I breastfed for the first 6 weeks and our nurse brought me the baby but she did the rest (diaper changes, putting back to sleep, etc.). I’m pumping now and baby gets bottles at night. Baby is also sleeping in the crib not the snoo, mainly because I (and our baby nurse) was concerned about baby becoming reliant on the movement and we have a few trips coming to places where there won’t be a snoo. Quite frankly, after a very brief transition period, I think my baby sleeps better in the crib than the snoo.
Op says
Thank you so much. My first baby would just nurse and go right back to bed and our night nurse really wants me to pump so that it’s more restful for me and I just think pumping 2x night at 3 weeks is far more tiring than nursing the baby. Torn.
NYCer says
I completely understand your dilemma! I was fortunate that our baby nurse was supportive of actual breastfeeding for the first several weeks. Now that I’m pumping, i admit that I do still wake up once per night to pump, but it is on my schedule (rather than baby’s), which is nice and quick.
Back to the snoo… Lots of our friends use the snoo with their babies and not one person has said anything bad about it. So there is that. :)
anon says
First time mom here. I have a 24 month old, who has recently started exhibiting her “independence” for everything. Everything is generally a battle from the minute we wake up – putting clothes on, nearly all meals, snacks, turning screens off, playing with toys, bathtime, putting on pajamas, and screaming for 5-10 minutes nightly once I leave at bedtime with atleast one wake up most nights. I work a significantly reduced schedule and my husband works A LOT, so a lot of this is on me to figure out.
I just don’t even know how to handle this. I try to be loving and rephrase and give options and timers. The timer works reasonably well for screens, but that’s about it. I find myself having to say / yell “STOP” loudly at the end of the night for her to be still enough to put on pajamas, which I feel terrible about, but I am tired (and 4 weeks from giving birth).
She spends all day with family caregivers, so maybe she needs more time outside or in organized activities etc., but not sure what’s available for a 2 year old other than playground, library, errands. She’s always been extremely high energy and I am just worn out and terrified for another baby.
Anonymous says
If you are looking to get her more time outside running around, is there a mother’s morning out program at a local church or preschool?
Knope says
Mom of a 25-month-old here. Can you give some more examples of what the battles are like? Is it just a lot of crying/”no,” does she want to do it herself, is she hitting/throwing things? I think that matters a lot in how you respond.
Em says
My independent 3-year-old likes helping, and him having a “job” cuts down on opportunities for distractions or him doing something I don’t want him to do. Can you funnel some of that energy into her helping? Around age 2 I started giving my son age-appropriate tasks in the morning, such as putting his pacifier in bed, putting his pajamas in the hamper, etc. We have worked up to this point, but now at age 3 he is actually helpful in the morning and can let the dogs in and out (which they inevitably need to do 10 times every morning), feed our rabbits (and put the food away), put one of our dogs in the kennel and shut it, put used silverware next to the sink, etc. This is all part of a very short and simple routine that we do every single morning, which also helps because he is very routine-oriented and being able to know what happens next seems to help him. We also identify high-value things that we use as a motivator to keep our son on track in the morning and before bed. He hates eating breakfast at school and we have a routine of sharing pancakes for breakfast, so if he starts dawdling I tell him we won’t have time to eat pancakes if he doesn’t get out of bed/brush his teeth/etc. and he will get back on track. We also let him watch a short video (under 5 min) before bed, which I realize would be terrible for a lot of kids but works well for him. He loves it and it is a huge motivator if we threaten to take it away because he isn’t following the bed time routine. Any chance your child has a similar motivator that would work to keep her on track, or that you could implement something similar?
shortperson says
read some janet lansbury posts on “confident momentum.” it works for me.
i realize that some of these are battles you need to fight (i.e. getting dressed) but for the most part i advise you to not fret or negotiate if your child is crying. he cries at bedtime? ok, let him cry. he cries when you turn off screens? ok, he didnt like that. it’s ok to cry. not sure why he’s crying at meals — if he doesnt want to eat, dont make him eat. i realize this all sounds harsh but we do this kindly. “i know youre sad the tv had to go off. it’s hard to stop watching tv.” etc.
Anonymous says
+1 this is how we treat upset emotions as well. “I know you’re having fun playing but it’s time to XYZ” or “I know you like watching your show but we’ve had enough show for today”. “I understand you’re upset we had to turn the water off” (Yup! This is a real thing)
shortperson says
omg yes i repeated that for about 15 minutes to my 18 month old a couple weeks ago. “mommy turned off the water when you wanted to keep washing your hands. you are sad. you like washing your hands.”
Anonymous says
Yes..and she has a memory now so she keeps telling me how I made her cry when she was washing her hands. Or wouldn’t let her go through 50 band-aids. And I’m just like yes you were upset and cried!
Anonymous says
If you are looking for other activities – there are usually moms groups with weekly playgroups as well as recreational stuff through counties/cities/townships. We go to nature stuff a lot and our county has multiple nature centers. If she’s not getting regular socialization with other two year olds then a playgroup can be helpful.
We find choices really helpful. Even “do you want milk or water”. I try to give a fair warning about transitions like “in a few mins we need to leave” or tell her the steps of what we’re going to do. I wouldn’t worry too much about yelling for 5 mins after she goes to bed if she does go to bed then. I do get the struggle to change clothes/put on Jammie’s though. I’m also pregnant and there’s a lot of “DONT KICK MOMMY IN THE STOMACH” right now.
lsw says
Ugh, so much kicking. Solidarity. And he thinks it’s reallllll funny if either of us get fed up and snap at him.
Anon says
We’re TTC and already starting this. So much kicking and hitting and using Mama as a climbing structure.
rakma says
Depending on your caregiver, playground/library.errands could be a great way of burning off some of that energy. My MIL and DD2 have quite the busy schedule, storytime once a week, DD2 knows all the local stores and cashiers, plus school pick up for DD1–they stay on the move all morning and she crashes for naptime, and is a reasonably happy kid for the rest of the afternoon. We’re also heading into the nicer weather finally, and both my kids were wiped out after spending a few hours outside yesterday. It does make the bedtime grind easier.
Also, anything she can do herself, no matter how imperfectly, will help. I asked DD1 to throw out her overnight diaper this morning, and instead of putting it in the can in her room, she brought it downstairs and it went in the kitchen can. Not how I would do it, but hey, it got the job done and she was so proud of her self.
We also had to shake up some routines for other reasons and it’s cut down on some of the fights. Can you put her in PJs before bedtime, then play or watch a show? Or have breakfast before getting dressed?
Pogo says
Ugh, long comment just got eaten. Commiseration, have a 21mo.
1. choices: play for ten minutes or put on clothes now?
2. timer: in five minutes we have to say bye-bye to the park!
3. involving pets or toys: we have to go inside now, it’s kitty’s dinnertime and he will be hungry!
4. doing the task with the child: mommy is going to brush teeth too! let’s brush together!
5. asking child to clarify their wants: OK, you are throwing food and trying to stand up. Are you all done eating now? Can you sign ‘all done’ or use your words to ask ‘go’?
6. hug it out (or whatever works for your kid): My particular kiddo likes a snuggle/thumb suck post tantrum. So I will give him a hug and validate his feelings (You’re really sad because we can’t play outside anymore. I wish we could play all night, too) while he snuggles. If I attempt to ignore it turns into him clawing at my legs and crying, prolonging the tantrum – but for different kids I feel like they need different things to diffuse tantrums. My niece was a face-planter, and trying to calm her resulted in getting smacked. She just needed to tantrum face-down for a few minutes.
It’s so tough, I posted this recently – as a working parent I feel like I am constantly asking my toddler to go through transitions, which are tough for them developmentally. I remind myself that most of the day he gets to play freely and as he gets older we will all have more time, and transitions will be easier for everyone.
Anonymous says
Sorry, real talk: This is just how 2 year olds act sometimes, and the only real cure for it is outgrowing the behaviors.
That said, what options are you giving your 2 year old? Sure, let her choose between the blue and purple PJs, which book to read, or which stuffed animal to bring to bed, but sometimes choices can be overwhelming and feed battles. Somewhat counter-intuitively, more structure and fewer choices might help. eg, a fixed evening routine of dinner, then playtime (with a timer, or an “it’s almost time to stop, so pick one more thing to do” Daniel Tiger warning), then clean up, PJs on, brush teeth, 2 stories, 1 song, then lights out. Like shortperson said above, just let her cry, your job is to parent, not to keep her 100% happy.
I don’t think you necessarily need more activities, but extra trips to the library and playground never hurt anyone! Also, I am not anti-screen on principle, but we do not do screens on weekdays because they turn my kids into monsters. Yes, I get 20 minutes of near-guarantee that the kids leave me alone, but it’s not worth it if I get an hour of screaming and sass afterward.
Brir says
I have a two year old and she has all these behaviors. I haven’t read much of Janette lansburys work but “confident momentum” sounds like what we do… for example last night she was protesting bedtime and running out of her room and saying no jammies, etc and we just kept telling her it was bedtime and being calm and she accepted her fate within 15 minutes. Picking out an extra stuffed animal and picking out her sleepsack helped. We are big on choices- I just bought honest diapers (not impressed with function!) because she likes picking out her diaper from all the prints, which makes her happier with diaper changes. She also recently refused the bath for over a month- we did sponge baths and forced (gently) hair washes about once a week and then randomly she loves the bath again. I have heard two year olds like to do that (hate something/act crazy then randomly improve :)
Anon says
My 20 MO is like this and has been since about 18 months, which is great fun because she’s even less capable than your average 24 month old and with only 8 words. We use a couple of strategies. First, giving her a job to do (put clothes in hamper, diaper in trash, turn off the lights, etc.) I think helps her feel empowered and more cooperative. Either-or choices don’t work for her because she says no to everything, so sometimes we present the choices and tell her if she doesn’t pick, mommy will pick, and then I end up picking. I have been known to gently “lay” on my pants despising child to wrestle them up past her knees so she can’t kick them off (yet somehow once they’re on they’re usually fine), and I ignore the caterwauling this triggers. Sometimes when she’s just being completely unmanageable, I have to stop what I’m doing and get on the floor with her, giver her a hug and giver her 5 minutes of one on one conversation and touching (she’s a barnacle) in order to reset her. We also do a 3-2-1 counting approach and if we get to zero, then she gets time-out for a few minutes in the pack and play (except this morning she climbed out, so who knows what we will do now). Agree that routines help a lot for her, even if they’re short (i.e., at night we do teeth brushing, diaper and jammies, off to parents room to read 1-2 books which mama picks, kiss daddy goodnight, turn off lights on way to nursery, rock in dark while mama sings 2-3 songs, and then I lay her in her toddler bed (hopefully she lays down), cover her up (or toss the covers at her if she’s fighting me) and mama walks out the door.
Bedtime routine for toddler and infant? says
For those who have two kids around 2-3 years apart who share a room — how did you set up a bedtime routine that worked? Right now our toddler has a wash-up, story, song, goodnight routine and then she often sings or talks loudly to herself alone in her room for a while until she falls asleep. Baby is still on our room and just gets rocked to sleep after toddler is put to bed but we’d like to move her into the girls room in a month or so. I cannot figure out how baby can be put down at a reasonable hour and still fall asleep with toddler’s noise. What worked for you? TIA!
Anom says
My kids are both loud and they both still fall asleep. It’s amazing what they will sleep through – even when going down. We put them to sleep at the same time. Semi-regularly one will yell to get us to come back for something after a while and the other is fast asleep. And when I say yell, I mean really loud!
CCLA says
Would you mind sharing how old were they when this started working? We have 6-mo old and 2.5 yr old and would like them to start sharing a room when the baby is closer to 1, but like OP the older one often sings or talks to herself or her collection of toys for 15-30 minutes after we leave. I suppose the real answer will be to try it out for a while when we get to that point, but curious about what age this has started working for others.
Redux says
I have a 2-year old and a 5-year old who share a room. The 2-year old is a total bedtime chatter and the 5-year old is a serial bedtime-pass user. Neither one seems to both the other. The 5-year old can wail at the top of her lungs “Mama!! I need to go potty!!!” so loudly that I can hear her from downstairs and when I come up to their room to get the 5-year old, the 2-year old is sawing logs. All this to illustrate that you might be surprised what kids can sleep through! I would just try to collapse your bedtimes into 1 and see what happens.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I’m curious about this too. Right now, we start by putting our 6 month old to sleep in our room at his bedtime (around 7-7:30) and then handle the 3 year old’s bedtime routine. 3 year is usually not asleep until 8:30 or so. We do a dream feed at around 9:30 and then move baby to the other room for the night. Eventually we’d like to have them just a share a room from the get-go but not sure how to go about that!
HSAL says
How old is the baby? Could she be put to sleep first? My 10 month old twins go down between 6:30 and 7:00 and the 3 1/2 year old between 7:30 and 8:00. Their rooms are right across from each other so we just do all parts of my oldest’s bedtime routine in the living room and go in her room at the end. She sleeps through their crying, they generally sleep through each other’s crying. We haven’t tried putting them all down at the same time though.
CHL says
Ours were maybe 2.5 and 6 months when we put them in the same room together and our routine was actually backwards from some of yours. We put the baby to sleep early, then did the bedtime routine for our older son on the couch/our bed and then he basically went into his darkened room and went to sleep. might not work for everyone but once we got the routine going it was pretty good.
Anon says
Favorite weeknight meals your kids like? I’m on maternity leave so have a bit more time to shop and cook, and I’ve forgotten what I used to enjoy! I know it’s been discussed on here but I find the search function difficult! TIA!
anon says
Tacos are easy and always get eaten in my house.
Pogo says
Broiled salmon in the toaster oven + sweet potato fries (also in toaster oven, we put the salmon in at the end) + rice.
Ravioli w/ pesto (Costco brand is great).
AnotherAnon says
Mains: baked salmon, baked chicken, steak in the cast iron then finished in the oven, baked pork loin, baked pork ribs, crock pot beef cheek, crock pot pot roast, pinto beans, chili, breakfast for dinner, tacos, mac n cheese.
Sides: baked sweet potato, microwaved frozen veggies like carrots, broccoli, peas (mine like okra but he’s weird), cherry tomatoes, sheet pan veggies from a produce box – beets, carrots, potatoes, etc. or apple slices.
avocado says
Mmmm, food, my favorite topic.
– Tacos. All the tacos. My kid especially loves the Family-Style Tacos from Cooking Light and tacos made out of the cilantro lime chicken thighs from D@mn Delicious. I usually cook the chicken in the oven instead of on the grill.
– Stir-fries. Spicy basil chicken and sweet and sour chicken from Cooking Light, larb from What’s Gaby Cooking, Korean beef from D@mn Delicious (I make it with ground chicken).
– Pizza. What’s Gaby Cooking has lots of great pizza recipes. I use the Trader Joe’s refrigerated dough, but am looking for an alternative because it is so high in sodium. My family also loves the pesto pepperoni pizza rolls from Budget Bytes, with Applegate Farms turkey pepperoni.
– Pasta. Some of my family’s favorites are Marcus Samuelsson’s red, white, and green spaghetti and Cooking Light’s pasta with feta and roasted broccoli. Homemade mac and cheese. Some of the one-pan pasta recipes out there, where the pasta cooks in its own sauce, are good too.
– Thai- or Indian-inspired curries made in the slow cooker.
It could be a lot of fun to pick up some new cookbooks and/or spend time going down the food blog rabbit hole.
OP says
Right? I think this is the only thing productive (besides raising a baby) I’m hoping to get out of my maternity leave…
Thanks for all the suggestions! Right now we do:
Salmon baked in the oven, usually with steamed broccoli and rice
Tortellini with pesto
Turkey burgers
Macaroni with red sauce and ground beef
Ummm those are some of the biggest! Def room to expand.
Anonymous says
One of my fav weekend ones (which is a great one for maternity leave, because you’re at home but it’s not hands on) is roasting chicken. I generally do a variation of the Ina Garten/engagement chicken. That plus a veggie or salad is so good, so healthy, and so super easy, you just need to be home for an hour and a half or so before dinner, which can’t be done on a regular night for me.
TheElms says
Shoe help please! 36 weeks pregnant and my feet are swelling (one quite a bit more than the other) and also starting to overpronate (I think b/c I’ve had this problem in the past and the podiatrist suggested orthotics (not custom ones but a store brand that he said would work for me b/c my problem was not severe) to correct it in my running shoes when I ran – but I’m open to other explanations) in a way that is quite uncomfortable and making the insides of my ankles really sore. The doctor suggested compression socks. I can do that at home but at work I’m in dresses because I’ve pretty much grown out of my maternity pants — or at least they are not as comfortable as dresses.
So, can anyone recommend (1) black flats for work that I could get orthotics in and are wide enough to accomodate my swelling feet and (2) a casual shoe that could accommodate orthotics and swelling feet?
Anonymous says
For work, I wear Dansko loafers (not as hideous as they sound) and casually wear Birkenstocks elsewhere. You should also be able to get compression stockings to wear with dresses.
TheElms says
Its already in the 70-80s where I am, I’m not sure I could manage stockings …
poas says
I’d check the brands Munro American and Taos Footwear. I survived to deliver my August baby in a pair of Munro sandals. They were pricey (~$150) but I’m still wearing them on weekends.
TheElms says
Thanks!
Anonymous says
My brain temporarily melted and I signed up to create some kind of party favor for the end of year party that my daughter’s dance class is having. Another mom went temporarily insane and proposed then offered to host this affair. The girls are all heading to kindergarten next year but have been dancing ballet and now tap for the past 3 years. I doubt many of them will continue- my kiddo is done.
Any non-candy ideas? It’s only a handful of kids so it can be nicer. Water bottle, hair elastics, hair clips, that sort of thing? I guess having it dance themed would be fun, but since they won’t be dancing next year I hesitate to go over the top and get like, personalized dance bags.
They’re all crazy into those dumb LOL dolls so I kinda just want to buy 8 of those and call it done.
PS- no judgey comments on the “parties for everything.” Yes, I could have opted out. But like I said, the brain melted and here we are.
CPA Lady says
I would 100% do the LOL dolls.
Anonymous says
the lazy side of me is fighting with the cheap side of me which says spending $80 on those stupid things for a DANCE CLASS END OF YEAR PARTY is insane. Because a water bottle is…reusable?
But I suppose the whole thing is insane and I should lean in and be thankful I didn’t offer to host?
mrskb says
For my son’s birthday party favors I found big cups/tumblers that were sports themed. If a smaller group and you have time, what about personalized tumblers or even simpler-cups that the girls would enjoy even found at p ar ty city, targt, or ama zon. Then you can fill with bows or something similar.
anon says
Once you total up all those little things, it may be more budget-friendly to just get the LOL doll.
rosie says
I really like the water bottle idea. Maybe camelback ones, or the kind that have the little basket for fruit infusions if they make those for kids. Useful for any future dance endeavors, as well as generally useful.
shortperson says
if you have any photos of the class together you could get copies printed for everyone and buy wood craft photo frames and bring ballet stickers etc to decorate together.
CPA Lady says
How do I know if my kid is anxious or not? I was an extremely anxious child and am (shockingly!) an anxious adult. I’ve been through a ton of therapy, read every self help book ever printed, took anxiety medicine, meditated, prayed, cried, the whole shebang. I’m doing a ton better than I did years ago but sometimes still have a hard time knowing if I’m blowing things out of proportion or not.
My daughter is 4.5. She’s what I call a barnacle. She wants me to be beside her every single moment we are in the same building. I can’t even put her in front of the tv without her yelling at me to come sit next to her. She says she doesn’t want to go to school every morning and before going to bed at night (despite the fact that she also says she had a good day each day when I ask her after school, and she’s doing well at school per her teacher). She says her stomach hurts or complains of other maladies. She says she just wants to stay home with me.
Does this sound normal or does it sound like she’s anxious? I don’t want to project my anxiety onto her. I don’t want to ask her leading questions because she’s awesome at parroting back what she hears from other people whether or not it’s true. She’s been at the same daycare since she was 12 weeks old, and I’ve never gotten a bad feeling about it. We have a generally peaceful home environment, my husband and I get along well. Occasionally one of us will be grumpy or lose our temper, but its a generally stable environment. But my kid is just so clingy.
If this sounds like anxiety to you, any book recommendations? I’ve got the “Anxious Kids Anxious Parents” book carted. Have any of y’all read it?
Anonymous says
I was a barnacle at this age. I had a stay at home mom but I’m pretty sure I would have behaved the same way if I’d gone to daycare. I know when I was 3-4 I also had all sorts of wildly irrational fears, which resulted in me having a lot of struggles at my (very part-time) preschool, to the point that the teachers strongly encouraged my parents to “redshirt” me and delay kindergarten until age 6 (fortunately my parents ignored them, because it would have been an academic disaster to hold me back). I outgrew the anxieties and did completely fine in kindergarten and beyond. I definitely have some anxious tendencies as an adult, but I don’t think I’m that anxious overall and I’ve never taken medication. You could probably get her some sort of diagnosis as anxious, but I’m not sure a label will do more good than bad at this point. I’d probably just watch and wait to see if she seems to be outgrowing it or if it’s more of a problem.
Anonymous says
I feel like I’m always preaching the Tao of Daniel Tiger but I think there’s an episode that deals with separation anxiety. I think it’s the “grown ups come back” one.
My kids do best when they know where I am when I’m not with them – cooking dinner. doing laundry, reading my book etc.
Anonymous says
I have a 15 month old so too young for that, but tbh reading here makes me want to watch it! it sounds like a super cute little show!
anon says
I was also a barnacle and my kid (2) is such a barnacle as well with lots of seperation anxiety basically since she was born. It never really went away, I didn’t want to be far from my family for college and chose to move back to hometown for settling down. I’m probably a slightly more anxious adult, but it’s never been debilitating, I think it’s just how I’m wired, so it doesn’t surprise me that my daughter is the same way..