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Ladies, here’s a challenge: plan your next date night, or night out with the girls — because if work isn’t enough, you need a place to wear these fun lace-up kitten heels. I’ve seen higher, I’ve seen lower, but these yellow kitten heels are the ones that strike me as just right. I’d wear them with a simple navy dress (or, hey, navy jumpsuit if it’s a night out). They’re $138, available in three colors, at the apparent king of all things lace-up: Free People. Jeffrey Campbell + Free People Andra Kitten Heel
Psst: while we’re talking trendy, these low block heels are also kind of fabulous.
(L-all)
Sales of note for 9.10.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Extra 40% off sale styles
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- Zappos – 26,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Birthday sale, 40-50% off & extra 20% off select styles
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off all baby; up to 40% off all Halloween
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Extra 30% off sale styles
- Old Navy – 40% off everything
- Target – BOGO 25% off select haircare, up to 25% off floor care items; up to 30% off indoor furniture up to 20% off TVs
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- The concept of “backup care” is so stupid…
- I need tips on managing employees in BigLaw who have to leave for daycare pickup…
- I’m thinking of leaning out to spend more time with my family – how can I find the perfect job for that?
- I’m now a SAHM and my husband needs to step up…
- How can I change my thinking to better recognize some of my husband’s contributions as important, like organizing the shed?
- What are your tips to having a good weekend with kids, especially with little kids? Do you have a set routine or plan?
Anon in NYC says
You guys, TGIF. My husband has been traveling for work this week and I am just so exhausted. This isn’t the first time I’ve been alone with my daughter for a week, but it was so much harder this time. My daughter has been waking up progressively earlier each day, I had to give her my first solo bath due to a really gross blowout that got everywhere, there is just so much stuff to wash every day, and this morning she projectile vomited all over herself, me, and the couch about 15 minutes before we were going to walk out the door.
We usually hand wash bottles and pump parts because we don’t run the dishwasher every night (it usually isn’t full). Mid-way through the week I just started running it every night to deal with the bottles. I was just over it.
Props to all of you solo parents on here. I really need, like, 6 drinks and to go to bed at 8pm.
CPA Lady says
The day I came to the conclusion that it was okay to run the dishwasher every day was a majestic day. You gotta do what you gotta do.
In House Lobbyist says
This! I feel a twinge of guilt that my mother would not approve of the dishwasher not being completely full but I get over it.
Meg Murry says
Pro-tip: if the dishwasher isn’t otherwise full and has a sanitize cycle, you can throw just about anything plastic in there that can take the heat on the top rack to sanitize it. I learned this from my kid’s daycare, where apparently they rotate the baskets of toys the babies chew on by having one per day of the week, and at the end of the day the toys all go in the industrial dishwasher to sanitize them.
Or just run the dishwasher half full, then it is easier to empty in the morning. Heck, on really crappy days I’ve left the same half full items in there, added more dirty ones and ran it again.
Carrie M says
Totally feel your pain. My week alone included a trip to the pediatrician after hours, several night wakings, two early-morning wakings, one night sleeping in mommy’s bed because of thunder, and more meltdowns and showdowns than I can count. It felt so good to take a shower this morning without a screaming, crying toddler yelling “Up mama” at me while I spend 3.5 minutes washing my hair.
Clementine says
As someone who has been solo parenting for a month while my husband has been traveling for work (no coming home on weekends), the dishwasher usage is a game changer.
Thanks again to everyone who encouraged me/gave me permission to run everything I can through the dishwasher.
HSAL says
My husband will be gone for four days in May. Am I a weenie for having my mom come to help out with a 7 month old? I’m so impressed by everyone who can do it, but I just don’t feel ready yet.
Anonymous says
You’re not a weenie. Sometimes it’s nice to hang out with grandma and baby without DH around.
Spirograph says
Nope, every time my husband has a work trip, I see if my mom wants to come visit. She gets to see the grandkids, I get a lot of help and to hang out with my mom without DH around, kids love her. It’s a win-win-win.
Anonymama says
That’s not being a weenie, that’s being smart and taking advantage of available resources. Just because other people can do it on their own doesn’t mean that they wouldn’t have back-up there in a minute if they could.
AEK says
+1 to having my mom come visit every time my husband takes a trip. I love it.
RDC says
Also +1 in getting grandma to come whenever possible. She gets time with the baby, I keep my sanity, AND she cooks and cleans … It’s like a vacation. (Except for the night wakings. Can’t have it all, I guess.)
PTA c*cktail event outfit help for kindergarten parent says
I have my first PTA social event tonight and I’m nervous like it’s a first date.
I work and pick up my kids at what seems to be an odd time from afterschool, so I don’t know a lot of other parents (but would love to know more). I have a feeling that the at-home moms know each other pretty well, so I want to seem like an awesome and approachable person (which I am), but how do I dress the part? I can change from work clothes (pencil skirt, sweater) before I go.
I was thinking casual dress + cowboy boots (I tend to be a very Garden & Gun / Farmer’s Only-type dresser and we are in the SE US but in a city) or something like a DVF Reina dress (different boots). It’s too cold for Lilly, but Lilly seems to not be a bad default for something like this (but what do I know)?
Meg Murry says
Leave on the work sweater and put on jeans? Or just stay in work clothes?
Honestly, the people you are more likely to click with at the PTA event are the handful of other working parents that will be there but who you never meet because you are all busy. Staying in your work clothes would actually make you more approachable to me as another working parent, because I would feel like you would likely be someone to “get” me instead of having to dance around hoping to avoid accidentally triggering mommy-wars landmines between WOH and SAH parents.
If you want to change because you want to rock an awesome outfit, go for it – and in that case, just wear whatever makes you feel most confident. But otherwise I wouldn’t overthink this, I’m pretty sure most parents will be in the “wearing clothes without kids’ dinner on them = winnning” mindset. Or maybe that’s just me.
Anonymous says
I think that the bar for mommy fashion is raised when you’re in elementary school (you should not have kids dinner on them at that point).
And at daycare pickups, everyone is working, so we all tend to meet in that process (or not, but we get where others are coming from / hurrying to).
My kids’ school sometimes looks like sorority rush for grownups — awesome outfits (even the v casual ones are perfect). There are some people in ratty gym clothes, but that’s the outliers. Most people look sharp, like they’ve mastered this. I am a novice. I am still struggling with business-casual.
Anonymous says
I think casual dress and cowboy boots sounds great. I also struggle with what to wear to the PTA meetings – and even when my preschool did a parents’ night, I was completely out of place wearing work clothes! Oh well. Sometimes you can’t win.
Sunk Costs says
Random question: do you have any kid-gear thing that you just Had to Have and now you have it and its like an albatross?
For me, it was the Joovy Scooter stroller. I pined over it. I read reviews. I bought it. I assembled it myself. I put my daughter in it and she spit up on it within 30 seconds. Which was about 20 seconds after I realized I kind of hated it. It’s heavy and hard to open. The seat is weirdly shallow. I think I used it 3 or 4 times total and it has been sitting in my hall closet for about a year now. I put it on craigslist, but I’ve gotten no interest. It’s kind of funny how obsessed I was with a stroller.
Anonymous says
I was oddly obsessed with Bugaboo diaper bags – bought one and hated it. Zero interest when I put it on craigslist. Can’t remember for the life of me why I thought it would be a good diaper bag.
Anonymous says
The mamaroo. Oh god.
Pigpen's Mama says
The Mamaroo. I thought it was so.cool. And loved the pattern on the infant insert. I ended up getting kiddo the Mamaroo swing, the Rockaroo?, because I felt carsick looking at the Mamaroo. She was unimpressed and looked uncomfortable.
I was able to sell it on Craigslist or something fairly easily, but still lost $$.
Meg Murry says
Our albatross was the all wood highchair from Amish country that my MIL bought with my husband’s encouragement because H hated all the plastic-y highchairs at BRU. It took up too much room in our too small kitchen/dining room, got food in all it’s cracks and crevices (which were a ton because it had all kinds of knobs and spindly carvings)that were impossible to clean. And it didn’t have any kind of straps to keep my kid in the highchair, and the tray was supposed to flip up to get the kid in and out, but it was held together with a leather strap with a snap that was impossible to snap and unsnap.
My MIL paid arms and legs for that thing, and I hated it so much. We didn’t even get it out of the basement for kid #2, just got one of the plastic booster chairs that strap on a regular kitchen chair.
The other was the cloth diapers I bought thinking we would use them on weekends or evenings. Nope, never happened.
Anonymous says
After a lot of bleach, we used our cloth diapers as burp cloths. They are awesome for that.
MDMom says
Had the same experience with cloth diapers. Sell them on eBay! Great resale market. I had a ton of flannel receiving blankets that I prefer as burpcloths.
Vi says
I’ve had pretty good luck selling things on the wallapop app that never would have sold on craigslist if it’s available in your area.
Momata says
Dr. Brown’s bottles. Kiddo did fine with the basic Medela n!pples. I ended up donating them to a women’s shelter.
RDC says
OMG the bazillionty pieces in Dr. Browns bottles. We eventually switched to Medela, too.
HSAL says
I love the Dr. Brown bottles, despite their many pieces, but I just recently tossed an Avent bottle that leaked. Donating bottles we won’t use to a shelter is brilliant.
MDMom says
Bottles, mostly glass, are my albatross. The first kind wont fit the nipple baby prefers. The second kind will but daycare wont take them. I find various uses for them but I just wish I didnt have them taking up so much space in my kitchen cabinet.
NewMomAnon says
The giant Graco high chair that was impossible to clean (all the crevices!) and took up so much space…I expected it to “grow with my child” and realized 2 days in that I hated it with a passion. Used it for about 8 months until kiddo decided that she refused to be strapped into a seat at the table. Now she stands on a kitchen chair to eat meals. *shrug*
Luckily, my office did a “sponsor a family” this holiday season and the family asked for a gently used high chair, so I donated mine. May they enjoy it more than I did.
SoCalAtty says
UppaBaby Vista Stroller + Carseat. I was all excited to coordinate and the Mesa fits on the stroller…
Ok first I always transfer baby from carseat to stroller, even if he is sleeping. So I’ve actually attached the car seat to the stroller MAYBE twice in 5 months. My baby HATES the carseat so…I would have been better off getting the Nuna Pipa, it’s a lot lighter, or maybe just a convertible with an infant insert.
The Vista came with a bassinet which we almost never used. As soon as baby could see well, he wanted to SEE – so infant insert went into the regular seat and off we went. It is also REALLY heavy. I often wonder if I could have gotten by with the UppaBaby GLux + insert and called it good. Because now I need a travel stroller…I have traveled with the Vista in the padded bag and checked it at the curb, but it is just such a monster.
All that being said, I do love the thing for long outings, walking around the neighborhood, and Disneyland. I just hate putting it in / taking it out of the car.
Sunk Costs says
I told my husband I needed a “travel stroller” because I didnt want to admit that I hated the Joovy so much. I got a Graco LiteRider and I loooove it. It’s definitely not fancy, but it’s lightweight and easy to open. And it was $50 or $60.
Cdn lawyer says
I love my vista but i realized you will never get everything you want out of one stroller. I have an umbrella stroller we keep in the car and the vista lives in the garage for real “walks” including to the grocery store (where the vista is awesome because of the huge basket). I am so happy the Mesa wasn’t available in Canada yet when I needed it because I probably would have bought it. And my extremely tall baby would have outgrown it by 7 months like she did with the $200 cheaper chicco keyfit!
MomAnon4This says
this makes me feel better because i secretly want one.
and my husband drives a 1999 car so a new uppababy stroller (for 2 kids) would probably cost more than his car is worth right now. seriously, thank you for posting this. you’ve saved my bank account/marriage, possibly.
Anonymous says
For us, it was the pack-and-play. I know that sounds crazy, but we just never used it! Our house was very small (apartment sized) so we just put her in her room to nap, or let her sleep in her bouncer or swing. We had intended to bring it along to my parents house, etc., and we did like, once. We mainly stayed at hotels that had P&Ps.
I think with #2 on the way it will get more use, presumably as the downstairs crib.
anon says
Infant carrier car seat. We never carried the baby anywhere in it (never felt natural and he would not stay sleeping anyway) and only used it with the snap-n-go a handful of times. I guess it was nice for that handful of times but next time we will just go to the convertible seat and wear the baby.
Non says
Mamaroo, for sure. I’m hoping second kid likes it and then I’ll feel justified.
Cdn lawyer says
Cloth diapers for me as well. I did so so much reading about them. Then kiddo was slow to gain weight so they didn’t fit for months. Then they worked great for a while (couple of months) but then she started leaking. Downside of an all-in-one (I had the bumgenius free time). Waiting for spring so I can sun bleach them and resell.
Anonymous says
Mamaroo (thankfully bought used and resold at same price) and Graco PNP. The PNP is huge, not easy to set up or take down, and LO hates it. And has no resale value. Bought a Lotus travel crib instead.
DC mom says
OMG – LOVE the lotus travel crib. That thing is great!
Sarabeth says
Me three. It’s by far the most expensive baby item we bought, and also the best. Toddler is still in it at nearly 2.5 as her main bed.
quail says
Also love the lotus travel crib!
Anon says
Ladies, I’m trying to decide about going to see a Dr. about fertility help versus making the decision that expanding my family might mean something other than me getting pregnant again.
I got pregnant at 35 during our first month of TTC with #1 and had World’s Easiest Pregnancy. Been TTC #2 now for over a year. I’m 38, no known health problems.
I’ve watched so many heartbroken friends spend years in and out of doctors offices with fertility treatment, multiple rounds of IVF, etc. I’ve also watched friends realize early on that pregnancy was going to require medical intervention, and decide instead to put their money and emotional energy towards domestic infant adoption, and most were successfully matched within about a year.
I’m worried that once I decide that another pregnancy is “the goal” and start down the fertility help path, I’ll stay on it, no matter how long / expensive / emotionally taxing. I’ll admit I did love being pregnant and would like to have that experience again … but I’m having a hard time determining how much I “value” another biological pregnancy / biologically related kid against the greater value (in my mind) of my son having a sibling(s) close to his age for him to grow up with.
Can anyone here help me think this through?
Anonymous says
I think you need to start researching both. See a doctor. Look into adoption. You might have an easily fixable health issue, you might get pregnant quickly with IUI or something less invasive than IVF, or you might be well on your way to adopting a child before IVF could even work. Both can be VERY expensive. Both can take a VERY long time (years). Good luck mama.
LC says
No advice, just commiseration. I’m in the same boat, with the only difference being that I did need fertility treatments the first go-round. I felt lucky to get pregnant after only three cycles of clomid/femara + trigger. I really want a second, but am afraid of starting down the road again.
ANP says
This was me to a t. Got pregnant the first time around in our very first month of TTC. When we decided we were ready for #2, that took almost a year! We started seeing a fertility specialist at about 9 months into our second round of TTC, and he was unable to find an issue. I was in my early 30’s at the time.
Nature is weird…because we got pregnant a 3rd time while actively preventing and now have 3 kids. Good grief. I recommend seeing someone but also researching other avenues for family expansion if that’s of interest to you.
Anon says
Also consider the increased risk of cancer with IVF. I’m surprised how rarely it gets talked about.
RDC says
We’ve been invited to a “very casual” first birthday party for one of my husband’s colleague’s kids this weekend. (I’m exhausted just typing that.) Husband’s colleague said no gifts, but I feel weird showing up empty handed. OTOH, finding a gift would require a trip to the store sometime tomorrow before the party. What to do?
mascot says
Target- pick up a few board books or bath toys for kiddo, and/or a 6-pack/ bottle of wine “congrats for keeping this kid alive for 12 months” for the parents.
NewMomAnon says
Bottle of wine for mom and dad, no gift for baby. Presents at a first birthday party will just add the volume of clutter. If you really must bring a gift for baby, 2T clothes or sneakers would probably be more appreciated.
Also, who invites colleagues to a kid’s first birthday? Are you really close with this colleague? Usually I expect just family and maybe some very close friends at a first birthday.
Anonymous says
My husband’s co-workers who are Indian/of Indian descent invite us to their kids’ 1st birthdays because they’re a big deal in their culture. The parties have ranged from fancy to super casual but all have been fun and a good reminder to take time to celebrate even in the trenches of parenting.
NewMomAnon says
Ah, yes. That makes sense. Thanks for the clarification.
RDC says
We’re friendly-ish with them outside of work (have met up outside of work before). But, yeah.
Meg Murry says
Please take “no gifts” at face value. If you don’t want to arrive completely empty handed, a card is appropriate. And be aware that if someone else ignored the “no gifts” request, it is probably a Grandparent or aunt.
And that goes x100 for any party not being held at the person’s home. I’ve been to more than one birthday party at a gymnastics studio, bouncy house place, etc that had requested “no gifts” and had to help the host figure out how to get the presents that they had requested no one bring home because they had zero room in their car.
FVNC says
Personally I’d take the no gifts instruction at face value. We were invited to the birthday party of my daughter’s classmate (who we do not know, at all) and I felt really awkward choosing a gift because I had no idea what the child liked, disliked, already had. (I included a gift receipt, but still.)
But, I also like the idea of bringing something closer to a hostess/host gift.
TK says
Stop at a drugstore on your way – grab a birthday card and a few sheets of stickers. The 1 year old will be *delighted* and you’re still mostly in compliance with the no-gifts rule.
RDC says
Good call – actually have a cvs close to the office so I can get it done today!
Lkl says
when do they really get into stickers? My nearly 1 year old would just eat them.
Pigpen's Mama says
My kid is 18 months and just figuring out stickers aren’t snacks. I’m very proud of her ;-).
Anonymous says
my 1 year old liked them. Turned into a rabid obsession at 18 months. at 2.5, she’s still going strong!
Anonymous says
+1 I can’t imagine giving my one year old stickers and having them used as stickers vs eaten. My 3 year old is obsessed though. CVS may have board book options near the card or magazine section if you want something small to go with the card.
JEB says
My 15-month-old loves sticking them onto paper and cardboard, but she has to be closely supervised. The disaster comes when she realizes she can’t remove the stickers after they’ve been placed, and she gets really angry.
Anonymous says
I have an in-person interview for a role I’d like, but wouldn’t lose sleep over not getting. I’ve had 3 phone interviews (two with the hiring manager) and my perception is that this is a meet face-to-face (I’ve got to fly to the office in which hiring mgr is based)/ double check on fit in person, and shop me around to the rest of the team, as he’s said quite a few times that he’s got to figure out how to woo me into the role.
I’m 6.5 months pregnant (and it’s not my first, so I’m extra big), and I don’t have a suit that fits since I don’t typically need suits. I don’t even have a formal workwear dress + blazer combo that looks interview-level appropriate. I’m going to a business-casual environment in Atlanta. Do I:
1. Wear a “smart casual” outfit (black pants, crisp flowy blouse, cardigan….MAYBE either squeeze into an unbuttoned casual blazer; DVF style wrap dress + heels)
2. Buy something
If #2, do I buy (2a) a formalish workwear dress or blazer (2b) full on suit
If this were a first interview for a job I really wanted/needed, I’d go full on 2b, no question. But we are (I think) past the most formal of times, and I have already told hiring manager that I’m pregnant. I would fully mention it up front when getting there (“apologies for the lack of formality here…”). People in the office will be wearing at most button downs + khakis, so I’d be dressing more like an employee than an interview-ee.
I am also considering straight up asking hiring manager– “Excited about the trip and want to gauge the level of formality here…” I wouldn’t normally be so bold but I’m both pregnant, and not dying to drop $300 on an outfit I’ll wear once for a job I’m not sure I want.
anon says
I would absolutely wear a blazer (100% if you are in law). If you are visibly showing, which you probably are, then I think the rest of the outfit doesn’t matter as much.
Lyssa says
Agreed. If you have or can get a pencil skirt (I got a ton of wear out of one from Motherhood Maternity a few years back), I might get that, or at least put some extra effort into ironing the pants and making them really crisp. But I would definitely wear a blazer if you can. Also, the nicest shoes you can comfortably wear, maybe polish them up.
Anonymous says
Not in law. “Business casual” in my industry is typically polo shirts and dressy jeans or khakis for guys, pants and sweaters for ladies. Some people wear dresses.
A pencil skirt + blazer on me right now just looks goofy. I know it’s less formal, but pants look *way* better. And I can’t wear heels right now anyway.
Anonymous says
Oh- and I am showing in that i look basically ready to give birth. But am only 6.5 months along ;). Thanks, genetics.
Meg Murry says
Do you have any friends a few sizes bigger that might let you borrow a suit jacket/blazer? Or could you go buy one a few sizes up at a consignment shop or somewhere inexpensive-ish like Macy’s? Or heck, even the Target ponte blazer? It doesn’t have to button, just has to not look too much like you are being squeezed to death.
I think you are fine with pants and nice blouse, but adding a jacket/blazer can give it a “well, I at least tried”. I would probably go with black + charcoal grey, just to avoid the “I tried to make a suit out of mismatched blacks” look if you can.
Also make sure the shoes you take have plenty of room – try them on at the end of a workday and walk around the house. Your feet may swell on the flight, and you don’t want to discover you can’t shove your feet into your heels.
If you got the job and were meeting with the biggest clients, what would you wear? I’d go for at least that level of formality, in which case “smart casual” may be good enough. I’ve done “smart casual” over full out business suit in really casual offices and it worked for me.
Anonymous says
Yuck, for client meetings, a boring suit. Which I have, just not for 7-9 months of pregnancy. Maybe get away with a colored skirt + blouse and blazer, but again, I look like a whale in that getup right now.
I don’t like it, but I think I’ve been talked into a purchase. :-)
Thanks for the note on the shoes. I totally agree, and have flown a lot in this and my prior pregnancy. Compression socks, walking in the air, and roomy shoes FTW.
Preggo in ATL says
Don’t wear a blazer. Wear a cardigan. Wear black bottoms (skirt, tights, comfy yet business shoes, or pants, no one cares.) Wear a shirt with buttons under the cardigan. Wear a huge statement necklace or scarf to draw attention UP.
You’ll be fine.
Need Advice says
Thought I would post this here as opposed to the main site, as I am looking for gentle recommendations: On valentine’s day my husband was admitted to the hospital for some serious health concerns. He has been inpatient for almost two weeks, and we think he will be discharged on Monday. Even after he is discharged, he will still require pretty intense outpatient care for another week. We also have two small kids: ages 2 and 5. And for added fun: both kids have been sick this week. I spent yesterday morning at the pediatrician with both of them. I’m not sure how I’ve done it, but I’ve managed to keep everything up and running during these last two weeks. Here’s the thing: my job has absolutely no idea what is going on with my husband. I just couldn’t bring myself to mention it. My job is incredibly intense right now, and things should ease up in about a week or two. I can see myself hitting a point where I am going to need to take some time just to catch my breath or else I am going to collapse from physical and emotional exhaustion. Do I bring this up now? Explain it later? Or figure that I’ve made it this far, so why bother? I’m a bit concerned that they are going to think I am crazy (how have I managed to keep going?!) or making this up.
TK says
I’m sorry to hear you’ve been going through this.
I don’t think you lose anything at work by bringing this up now – then if/(when!) your breakdown happens, there will be documentation somewhere that will entitle you to take whatever leave you need to get yourself back to baseline.
Since you’re in the eye of the storm right now, you may not be able to fully appreciate that whatever ‘intense’ works stuff going on right now can almost certainly wait and/or be delegated. No rational co-worker / client would expect you to remain at full capacity while all of this is going on. You may like being busy since it takes your mind off of the horrible family health stuff, which I can understand and appreciate … but know that if at any point you want to take time off of work, you can. Really, you can.
Anonymous says
I guess I’m not sure what you are looking to do here. But if you need a day or two, take a sick day. If you think it will raise eyebrows, say “husband has been in and out of the hospital, I need to take a day / few days to get things situated.” You don’t need to get into more than that if you don’t want to.
Diapers says
I am almost always a fan of giving work a heads up about these types of situations – either HR or a discrete manager who generally has your back. My in-laws had nearly unbelievable medical issues that required frequent, unexpected travel. I was always up front about what was going on with a direct supervisor (managing attorney). Technically, I could have kept it quiet – objectively, my work didn’t suffer and a lot of what I was doing on the weekends was “invisible” to partners – but the heads up gave me more breathing room. My husband kept it quiet at his office, until he had to divulge what was going on, and I think he regretted it ultimately. The response was so supportive, he was shocked. I’ve found people tend to be generally respectful and kind in these types of situations. Also, I’ve been shocked at how many “I get it, X happened to me” stories came from unexpected places.
You didn’t ask, but I also will offer unsolicited advice. Can you bring in a responsible high schooler or middle schooler who can help with dishes, dinner, clean-up, bedtime prep (or entertain the kids while you handle those tasks, which can be cathartic if you need space from tired, cranky kids) At those ages, my kids were enthralled by “big kids” who came to play with them, and even if I wouldn’t have deemed them responsible enough to handle the kids on their own, it was nice to have someone backstop me when I was flying solo. I paid a relatively small amount to a wonderful mother’s helper to come 5 days a week, and it’s still some of the best child-related money I’ve spent. If you are keeping everything afloat, just having someone else take out the garbage can be a huge relief.
NewMomAnon says
When my ex had some intense mental health stuff going on, I tried to hide it for a while and it was exhausting. Actually, I don’t think I tried to hide it so much as I just didn’t think it would matter to anyone if they knew…so I didn’t mention it.
When I finally did mention it, work offered so much help. FMLA, reduced project load, mentoring on time management (in a helpful way that I really needed, not a patronizing way). I would tell someone. It is also helpful to have people at work who know what is going on so you can admit when you are having a hard day or ask for help if you need it.
And hugs. I hope things get better soon.
Preggo in ATL says
When this happened to us, I asked for family support? Can you ask? You’d be surprised what people can/will do. Friends, too. I’m crying over here for you – are you near Atlanta – what can *I* do for you?
mascot says
You need to put on your own oxygen mask first before you can take care of your kids/husband. If you are at the point where you are about to drop, from a strictly business standpoint, you are doing yourself or your job any favors to keep marching on alone. You don’t have to make a big show of it at work, but I’d let someone know. I am sure they will be sympathetic to your keeping it private and they won’t think you were crazy or lying for not having said something sooner. Saying this gently, I think your stress and exhaustion are messing with your rational mind if you are worried they think you are crazy/lying. Or you work with ogres and I am sorry. This is what FMLA and contingency planning are designed for
OP says
I broke down and told my boss. He was incredibly supportive. I just told him that at some point when the dust from this settles, I will need to take some time. I guess part of my concern was that he would try and take work away, and I really enjoy my job and it has been my refuge these past few weeks. I also *loathe* pity, and I feel like I need to justify any time off/away from the job. Ugh. Its been a long few weeks.
Meg Murry says
Oh, I’m glad you told someone. FYI, if you don’t want pity, be sure to tell him not to tell your coworkers, and possibly suggest that he tells people you have the flu if you take time off if/until you are ready to share information with your coworkers.
Meg Murry says
Do you have HR? Can go talk to them about the fact that your husband has some medical stuff going on, and get official FMLA paperwork on the books? Then if you need to take a few days, or worst case something goes wrong and he winds up back in the hospital your i’s are dotted and t’s crossed.
Otherwise, drop some hints about the sick kids, and maybe you can “catch their flu” for a couple of days next week? Or if it wouldn’t be completely wrong in your office, put a couple of vacation days on your calendar next week for “personal appointments”.
Personally, I would lean toward at least dropping hints now, so that if you have to take some time off it doesn’t come as a surpise to anyone. If any of my coworkers told me they had a spouse in the hospital, I absolutely would understand and cover for them as much as possible. If you don’t want to talk about the details, come up with a standard line like “We’re not sure how serious it is yet, but it’s something we need to stay on top of, thanks for your concern” and repeat like a broken record.
And *HUGS* to you. Feel free to come here and vent to us as much as you need
anonymous for this says
Does anyone here regret not staying home? Or alternatively regret staying home and having a almost no experience when trying to get back into the workforce?
I graduated from law school in 2014 and got married a month later. We were both studying for the bar exam but I got pregnant right away (somewhat of a birth control failure because we weren’t trying) so the new plan was that I would take the bar exam after our son turned one.
Our son turns one next month. But the honest truth is that I don’t think I want to take the bar or work as a lawyer any more. I love staying home with him and being a homemaker. I have never felt happier and the thought of getting a job and not staying home depresses me. I never thought I would feel this way but now I do. My husband and I thought we always wanted just one child but now I want more.
My husband is supportive of me being a stay at home mom if I want. He is a lawyer and says he makes more than enough money if I want to stay home and it’s no problem. He is also open to having more children if I want.
My only worry is about not having anything to fall back on if something happens to him and he can’t work (or worse). I went to a T14 law school and did my undergraduate degree at an Ivy League school. I had good grades through both. But I’m worried that if I have to return to work years down the road the gap on my resume (re: lack of ever having a job or worked anywhere besides when I was summering) will hinder me.
My husband has life insurance and we are building an emergency fund. We are paying down his student loans really quick and they will be gone by next June. That’s the only debt either of us have. If anyone faced a similar decision or has any experience with this I would really appreciate hearing about it.
MomAnon4This says
I was thinking about this, then I read last weekend’s weekend thread on the main s i t e about ugly divorces that hurt women.
I posted about that on Monday, and got some good advice about shades of gray – it’s not all or nothing. If I were you, i’d pass the bar, but maybe delay looking for that job right now? See how it goes? Take an extended leave? Think about options.
Anonymous says
Take the Bar. Network for 2 lunches/week and see how much interest you can get. Your husband is too young (2nd year associate) for you to plan on him being the primary breadwinner forever. You might want a job someday. You might get bored. Your husband might get fired or might not be able to work ever again (disability, death, etc.). Not to be alarmist, but in today’s world and with your credentials, it seems very short-sighted not to prepare for the worst while you have the WONDERFUL LUXURY of staying home with your son. If you want another child, great! Go for it! Pass the bar, get admitted, spend 5-10 hours/week networking and doing CLEs. It will be good for your child to see you develop an identity beyond being their mom, too. It’s an incredible gift that you’re so happy — set yourself up for a blissful future, no matter what life throws at you.
ANP says
It doesn’t have to be all or nothing, and you don’t have to decide Your Forever Plan right this minute. If I were you’d I’d just take baby steps to set myself up for success down the road, so that you can be flexible if your desires change.
I agree with taking the bar in your more immediate future — start small! (And actually, taking the bar is enormous.) Enjoy this time with your kiddo and focus on the exam. I’m guessing that by the time s/he is 3, s/he will be in some sort of preschool program a few half days or afternoons per week even if you do stay home full time — and that day will come quickly. So even if you don’t mean to go back to work right this second, being prepared for a time when you might have more time on your hands/the urge to go back to work is a good thing.
So yeah — take the bar, see how it goes, then evaluate life at that moment. Can you do a tiny bit of project or contract work just to keep a pinky toe in the game?
TK says
Can I go out on a limb and guess that you didn’t pay for your own schooling (if you’re loan-debt free after Ivy League school / T14 law school?) This isn’t intended solely to be mean – if you could get into and succeed at those schools, you’re obviously smart, but if you got out without debt, someone else (school, parents, scholarship) likely footed the bill. And if you went straight through, then got married / pregnant right away, you might have a distorted view (or, at least, a very different view then most women on this board) about both the value and necessity of knowing how to financially support yourself.
Shit happens. Those of us that have worked nights to pay for college, or been divorced, or who went to food shelves during periods of unemployment – we don’t (can’t!) relax about the idea that someone else will always be there to pay the mortgage. Some people are very, very fortunate to be financially supported forever – first parents, then husband, without anything bad ever happening. But that’s luck, not smart planning. Husbands die, cheat, get sick, get fired, and develop addictions that wipe out whatever contingency plans were in place. You’re leaving your kid in a vulnerable spot by assuming that someone other than you will always be able to pay for everything that he needs.
Look, I get it. I have a kid. I miss him when I’m working, and balancing it all is hard. But I spent 10 years scrubbing toilets at night to afford rent while I was in school full time – I just can’t fathom throwing away the opportunity to use that degree. Moreover, I can sleep at night knowing that if – god forbid – something happened to my husband, kid and I aren’t left destitute because the only job I can get with a blank resume doesn’t pay enough to cover his new daycare bill.
pockets says
I totally get wanting to stay home, because being with your babies is great and work stinks. But I agree with everyone else and you need to get experience. I was fired and unemployed and I found a job pretty quickly because I had a lot of skills. I’d try to work part time at a small firm so you get a ton of experience. Do you have any relatives or friends with small practices that could use the help? I’d start there.
Anonymous says
I echo everyone’s comments to take the bar. And you do not have to plan your forever right now but at least see what kind of opportunities there are out there, maybe in a more family friendly environment. You haven’t been a lawyer yet- who knows, you may love it! I saw some of the comments on the main page and they are a bit harsh. Don’t let them get to you.
quail says
Take the bar! It will only get more looming the further you get from law school and once you’re in, you’re in. Then, if you decide you want an attorney job, you won’t have that hurdle. You could work part time, or even volunteer, to keep your skills up (and do something out of the house if you want). If you don’t want to be an attorney after all, whether it’s switching to a different job or staying at home, it will be an active choice rather than one made by default.
But…my eyes were definitely opened by the divorce conversation a few days ago. In the short term, I know it’s terrible, but think about diversifying and putting assets in something that you would have access to in a divorce (his life insurance and no student loans is money that would not be available to you I imagine). In the longer term, I think it’s worth it for so many reasons to stay ready-to-work, if not working – divorce, disability, or death are biggies, but also to grow as a person and not feel trapped. My son is just over a year old and I have gone back and forth on more kids, working part time, leaning all in and having my husband stay home, etc etc like a zillion times – and I blame hormones for a lot of it (just weaned, haha). So I’m trying not to lock myself in to any one mindset about what my future “has” to be – in no small part thanks to the wisdom of women here.
Anons says
Take the bar. Also, start doing stuff that you could put on resume. Volunteer work. Contract attorney work if you can do it. To be brutally honest, it may come one day that you NEED a job. You have excellent credentials now, but that soon won’t matter if you don’t start to gather the type of experiences that employers value.