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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 83 Comments · by

Maternity Monday: ‘Kate’ Cowl Neck Ruched Body-Con Dress

Maternity· Recent Recs

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Maternity Work Dress: Kimi and Kai 'Kate' Cowl Neck Ruched Maternity Body-Con DressKimi and Kai is a new brand to me, but they have a lot of simple, pretty maternity workwear for under $100. This cowl-neck dress is my favorite, but this tee dress is also nice, as is this cowl-necked tunic. The pictured dress is $78, available in sizes S-L. Kimi and Kai ‘Kate’ Cowl Neck Ruched Maternity Body-Con Dress Two plus-size options are here and here. Oh, and for any mama expecting later this fall, check out this lovely walker coat on sale at Macy’s. Building a maternity wardrobe for work? Check out our page with more suggestions along both classic and trendy/seasonal lines. (L-all)

Sales of note for 9.10.24

(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)

Kid/Family Sales

  • Carter’s – Birthday sale, 40-50% off & extra 20% off select styles
  • Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off all baby; up to 40% off all Halloween
  • J.Crew Crewcuts – Extra 30% off sale styles
  • Old Navy – 40% off everything
  • Target – BOGO 25% off select haircare, up to 25% off floor care items; up to 30% off indoor furniture up to 20% off TVs

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Comments

  1. FVNC says

    Potty training question to kick off the week: has anyone’s toddler been very stressed by peeing in a diaper but refusing to sit on the potty/potty seat?

    My 2.5 yr old has started telling us when she’s peeing (yay!) but refuses to try the potty and becomes very upset when she then pees in her diaper. This can lead to 10-15 minutes of crying, even when I try to be very low-key about the whole thing, i.e., no pressure to sit on potty, telling her it’s ok to use her diapers. Her teachers at daycare say she does not exhibit this stress at school. I’d love to progress with potty training since she’s obviously aware of her biological functions now, but her refusal to sit on a potty/potty seat has me thinking we need to back off (yet again). Ideas or advice?

    • CHJ says

      What kind of potty set-up do you have? My son will use the potty chair, but absolutely refuses (to the point of panic) to try the real toilet, even with one of those potty seats on it. But we are hardly a success story – today my son told me, completely earnestly, that “big boys wear wet diapers.”

      • FVNC says

        We have both a standalone potty and a potty seat to go over the toilet. She’s used both without incident in the past — not consistently by any means — so this stress is new. Maybe I made too big a deal out of her successes and now she feels too much pressure. That’s the only thing I can think of. Your son’s comment made me smile; good to know we’re not alone.

    • Anon says

      I would keep it as low key as possible, just a part of the routine like brushing teeth. When you get her up in the morning, take her into the bathroom. Sit yourself on the toilet and her on the potty next to you. Hearing you pee may help her. Don’t make a big deal out one way or the other. Some kids thrive on praise and other kids love praise but keenly feel its absence when they haven’t done something (like pee in a potty) to get praise.

      • Anon says

        Adding that our daughter used the potty for a year before she would try the big toilet even with the insert.

    • pockets says

      Have you tried letting her go naked and peeing on the floor? It’s going to be gross but after 2-3 days of peeing on the floor she might agree to pee in the potty.

      Also: put her on the potty with an iPad playing her favorite show. Wait. Eventually she’ll pee.

      • pockets says

        I want to add that I read somewhere (I think Tribeca Pediatrics website for potty training), that one method is to take off the diaper, let her pee on the floor, and then do not rush to clean it up (give your child paper towels to clean it up if she wants to). Your child will realize that she can’t just pee wherever because then wherever she’s playing will be covered in pee, and she’ll have to go play somewhere else or spend time cleaning. Leave diapers out and if she asks for one, show her where the diapers are and she can put one on herself if she wants. Eventually she will realize that peeing in a potty is the least annoying way to relieve herself, and will start doing that.

        I didn’t do this but it does make intuitive sense.

        • FVNC says

          Thanks everyone for the advice. I think we’ll need to just let her go diaper-less and pee on herself (which she also finds distressing). Videos have worked in the past, but this weekend and again this morning, she was so upset by the potty that even a video bribe didn’t work. That’s when I knew we were in trouble!

          • Anon says

            If she finds peeing on herself distressing, you may just end up with an unhappy toddler. Have you thought about taking a break for a few months and trying when she’s closer to three? Some kids are ready earlier than others.

          • Maddie Ross says

            Agree with Anon (though full disclosure, we’re a 3+ y.o. potty family, so your experience/preference may differ). If this is all so distressing to her, I’d put her back in a diaper and step away from the potty altogether for a while.

        • FVNC says

          Yes, we have also thought about backing off completely for a while. We don’t have a problem with her still wearing diapers, and daycare is okay with it too (for now). The plan for the next few weeks is to stop talking about anything potty-related and see if she shows any inclination around Memorial Day weekend. If not, then we’ll wait a while longer before trying again. Thanks so much for all the suggestions.

    • Samantha says

      Is she afraid of something related to the real potty, like maybe the flush sound being too loud? Sounds like she wants to use the potty but something is making her hesitate.

      • FVNC says

        She loves flushing, actually! But, you’re right – there’s something about the process that is making her unhappy. Now just have to figure out what that is.

        • Meg Murry says

          Any chance she has a UTI or diaper rash or heat rash and it hurts to go at all (on potty, in diaper, anywhere)?

          Or if it was first thing in the morning, was she not fully awake and therefore not rational? My son will sometimes seem like he is awake (responding to what we are saying, etc) but will say “No!” and cry to everything we say or do – like he’ll be crying and say he wants a drink of water but when we try to hand him a cup of water he just cries harder because he just isn’t fully awake or rational yet.

  2. TK says

    My 26 month old is going through a hitting phase. He doesn’t seem to do it in anger – it’s most directly at me and at Mr. TK, boy will hit us in the face then run away, or hit us with a toy. He giggles. I’ve tried holding both of his hands together, looking him in the eye, and saying “don’t hit Mommy, hitting hurts” but he just thinks its hilarious. Per his teachers, this isn’t a big problem at school.

    Until this new behavior, I’d kind of bought into the “No Bad Kids” philosophy that time outs are confusing and counter productive to toddlers, but now I’m wondering if that’s exactly the sort of thing that might be effective here. Thoughts?

    • Anon says

      I would keep up the holding his hands, say ‘no hitting do gentle touches’ then hold his hand and show him how to touch you gently – just three or four strokes. Then redirect to an acceptable activity.

      Our little guy would hit when trying to get attention before he was verbal. We cut back on chatting about our day until after he went to bed and paying more attention to him during supper prep/suppertime/bed time helped ease the attention seeking.

    • pockets says

      I do time outs for exactly this behavior (and my daughter is 27 months). Not sure if it works. I have a chair in the corner and I put her on the chair and set a timer for 2 mins. Kids are weird, it doesn’t occur to her to get off the chair, even though I’m like 10 feet away from her. This is probably bad, but I also treat this as a “run around the house and get everything done in 2 mins” break for me.

      What’s important, I think, is to set the cause and effect: make sure he knows that the reason he’s getting a time out is the hitting, enforce a “first you hit, then you get a time out” narrative. That kind of works – when I ask her why she had a time out, she says, Because I hit mommy. It’s not clear whether the hitting has slowed down (it definitely hasn’t stopped) because I don’t have a control. But I feel comfortable with how I’m treating this because I think it’s rational and rule-based (i.e., she may not like the punishment, and the punishment may not work, but she knows what the punishment is and how to avoid it).

    • Navy Attorney says

      My kid did it for attention. I tried time out but she didn’t understand, I think for the reason you gave. So, I ignored it and it stopped; it’s worked on a whole host of unacceptable behaviors. They don’t understand that something hurts; they don’t have empathy yet. Simply ignoring it feels so wrong (especially if you have an audience like a family member) but it sometimes works.

    • hoola hoopa says

      Yes, I would do time outs for that. It’s not frustration/lack of communication skills, etc. He’s just hitting you because he thinks it’s funny and he can.

    • Anonymous says

      We did what I called a “reverse time out.” My DD totally didn’t get “time out,” but when she acts up and doesn’t listen (hitting, throwing toys, screaming, whatever) she is told she needs to stop or I/DH will leave. If she keeps it up, I make sure she’s in a child proofed room, tell her I will play with her when she is really to listen, and go lock myself in another room (usually the bathroom if we are downstairs and my room if she is upstairs). It typically takes under 30 seconds for her to come to the door begging me to play with her assuring me she is ready to listen. And she does.

  3. sleeping says

    My 7 month sometimes sleeps through the night and sometimes he doesn’t. We’ve done CIO a couple of times now. I can’t really figure out what triggers his nights with wakeups. Frequently when he does have night wakings we end up feeding him around 3-4am because otherwise he is just crying out every hour, and we don’t have the resolve to sleep train him on every random weeknight that he doesn’t make it through the night. I don’t really know what to do at this point. Is it just like this? I feel like every other week is supposed to be some big developmental milestone or regression that will disrupt their mood/sleep. Haven’t really been able to pin down too many cause/effects with my baby generally.. If it is being caused by something like teething, how do you help them sleep through it?

    • pockets says

      What time do you put him to bed? Is he at daycare or with a nanny? IME (personal and this website), this random night wakings are caused by an overtired baby.

      • sleeping says

        I do think he would benefit from longer naps, but we have not had good results with nap training. After spending SO MUCH energy obsessing about nap schedules, I’m trying to let it go a little bit. Bedtime is usually around 7. I was always worried about baby being overtired, but when we try to do an earlier bedtime if he is super fussy, but this usually just leads to him protesting for at least an hour before he finally goes down.

    • Anonymous says

      I am coming at this from the pro sleep straining vantage point. I’m sure other commenters will have other views. You can’t do CIO sometimes. Either do it or don’t- unfair and confusing to LO otherwise. A common culprit for night wakings is being overtired. At 7 months baby should be asleep for bedtime 3 hours after last nap ends. If baby has been sleeping through the night I wouldn’t reintroduce night feeds- just use your chosen sleep training methods when they wake (ie checks or no checks).
      Teething shouldn’t cause prolonged sleep issues. If you suspect teething, administer ibuprofen and stick to your sleep training routine. Babies get a lot of teeth over their first two years so if you stop your sleep training method every time you suspect teething it’s not going to work very well.
      http://www.slate.com/articles/life/the_kids/2015/05/teething_symptoms_in_babies_are_not_as_bad_as_parents_think.html

      If you are willing to stick with sleep training, given baby already has ability to sleep through the night, you probably only need to commit to a few rough nights to really get sleep under control and it will be so worth it!

      • sleeping says

        I mean we’ve done it a couple times like we’ve spent a week committing to it, then it works for a while, then all of the sudden it doesn’t – some nights he’s just up multiple times. One time I knew it was because of his shots and he had a fever, so it felt mean to just leave him alone. Other times it’s less clear, but I always end up wondering if something is really bothering him because I do know he can sleep through the night.

    • Lkl says

      Even a really, really good sleeper has plenty of nights where they are up — learning to roll/sit/stand, congestion (the killer in our house), teething, just waking up to talk to themselves for half an hour, etc. I kinda thought once they learned to sleep through the night, that would be it. Ha! If it’s congestion, the only thing that really works for ours is being held upright for a while (on top of nose aspirator, humidifier, vicks, etc.) — but as he has gotten older, he has learned to go back to sleep more easily even if congested. If you suspect teething, you can try ibuprofen (which we do if we’re fairly certain, but don’t like to give too often). I had a lot of stress about learning when to go in and comfort and when to let him cry a bit (we always go in if it’s more than a few min of crying because that rarely happens with this particular baby); it’s hard to know, and you just won’t always get it right. And that will still be okay.

      • sleeping says

        Thanks! He has been struggling with congestion lately so maybe I can pin the latest setback there. And thanks for your last words – I think that is something I worry a lot about, whether I am “messing up” the CIO work we’ve done, and balancing that with comforting a baby who really could benefit from it.

        • Lkl says

          It’s hard, because consistency is important. But comforting a baby who needs comforting is also important, and they can’t communicate about what’s wrong.

        • Anon in NYC says

          We sleep trained our daughter (CIO) and she has been an excellent sleeper, for the most part. But she still has nights where she wakes up in the middle of the night or way earlier than normal. We just soothe her, try to figure out what’s wrong (if anything), and put her back to bed. Sometimes – most of the time – she just wants to be comforted.

          She did have a few weeks at around 9-10 months where she was waking up sporadically on a more consistent basis – say, every other night or every two nights, she would be awake and crying for two hours, even though she was clearly exhausted, and nothing short of holding her until she passed out helped. It was just consistent enough to be frustrating, but also sporadic enough that we couldn’t plan for it. At that point we re-did a little bit of sleep training using more of the Ferber method. On the first night, we gave her 10 minutes and then went in, touched her stomach, spoke softly to her to reassure her we were there, and then left. I think we had to do this 3 times. On the second night, we used the same method, but gave her 15 minutes. I think it took 2 times for her to fall back asleep. Since that point her wake ups have been far less frequent – of course they still happen, but it’s not 3+ times per week any more.

          • Anon in NYC says

            Oh, just wanted to add – if he’s sick, that’s probably it. You should comfort your sick baby without worrying about messing up his sleep, and sort it out when he feels better. Also, frequent use of the Nose Frida (2x/day) really helps us a lot with congestion.

        • Anon says

          If it’s congestion that explains why drinking seems to help him. Just like when adults have a cold, waking up with a congested nose or chest in the night isn’t fun and a drink of water or milk can help clear up mucous. When they are sick sometimes they just feel miserable and need a cuddle.

        • Momata says

          Congestion always seems to make my baby wake up. I recommend steaming up the bathroom, then giving a long bath, followed by the Nosefrida. I also run a humidifier in the room at night. I am also pro-sleep training and also struggle with when to comfort versus hold the line. Like CLMom below — my husband is good at reminding me, “[Baby] is just a person. Sometimes people can’t sleep.” When I know baby is sick or congested, I try to remember that I personally don’t sleep well when I’m sick and swing more toward the comfort side of the spectrum.

      • MDMom says

        Agree. You don’t say in your post how often this is happening. The balance of consistency vs comfort is hard. It is normal for even great sleepers to have an off night. And my baby sometimes takes a few days to get back to normal after being sick. Would not add in night feedings that have been dropped for a while, but makes sense if only recently dropped. My baby kept an early morning feeding (around 4am) until 10-11 months or so.

        Sometimes you just never know what’s going on with these nonverbal kids. My almost one year old normally loves the bath but sometimes (2x in past 3 days) will look at the corner of the tub and scream and try to climb back out as soon as I sit him in there. Why? No effin clue. Current theory: ghosts.

    • CLMom says

      While this is not a solution, one piece of advice I got early on helped me contextualize atypical behavior in my baby (she’s 6 months now):
      Babies are humans, too. Just like us sometimes they have good days, and sometimes they have bad days.

      So, just like I occasionally will have a sleepless night, baby will have them, also.

      Good luck!

    • Legally Brunette says

      We have used a wonderful sleep consultant (consultation entirely over the phone, so your location is irrelevant) who has provided really invaluable tips along the way for both of our kids. You fill out a detailed survey of sleep habits/issues and then you chat with her for 50 minutes. You can also schedule follow up appts. for 30 minutes. I think the cost is $150 for initial, $70 for follow ups.

      The company is called Baby Sleep Science and our consultant is Dr. Erin Evans. She’s affiliated with Harvard, is super nice, and has extensive experience helping parents who need advice on sleep.

      For anyone with sleep troubles, I recommend giving her a call. We did read a variety of books but ultimately it was worth it to us to get a private consult to talk about the specific issues related to our child.

    • Anon says

      Similar situation, but 8 months and no CIO in any form. I figure, babies are like us – sometimes they wake up and want a drink, sometimes they want to get more comfortable and need help (mine is pretty mobile but sometimes he is trying to get comfortable on his side, and if I help him get his hips stacked right he goes right back to sleep!), sometimes they just wake up and want to make sure everyone is still there!

      Who am I to argue with that? Heck, I do it too. I’m a horrible sleeper. That being said, LO is still EBF (bottle while at daycare) with his solids and we co-sleep so his night wakings have the smallest impact possible on my sleep. On a good night, he nurses twice between bedtime (between 7-8) and when we get up (6am). Most nights it is more like 3-4 times. I figure…he’ll sleep eventually.

  4. MomAnon4This says

    I really like cowl-neck blouse/shirts anyway, and would love to be able to find more of them for my maternity stage.
    Seems like I can’t wear them nursing or around kids all day, but they’re great for work/going out – very flattering to me and dressy.
    Thanks.

  5. Husbands and Holidays says

    So I am blue today, because yesterday was my first Mothers’ Day, and my husband didn’t do anything, not even wish me a Happy Mothers’ Day. Technically he did, as we were turning out the lights to go to bed. And bought me a cheapo generic card while the baby and I waited in the car.

    This stings because I didn’t even get a card on my 30th birthday a few months ago, let alone a gift.

    Gifts are my love language, and I tend to plan and go all out for all of my husband’s major life events. I really am not a tit for tat person, but at a certain point (I have reached it) I start to feel embarrassed. Embarrassed that I care so much and am so hurt, embarrassed by the cavernous difference between what I do for him and vice versa.

    Yes, we have talked about it. Over and over, though in the last few years I’ve given up and just resigned myself to the hurt the day of my event and buying myself a gift after the fact.

    So here’s my question: should I scale back my observance of my husband’s events (birthday, fathers’ day) to match his lack thereof? He will obviously notice, since he’s used to a gift and the white glove treatment all day, and a card. Does that mean I’m stooping to his level? Does it mean I’m making his special days about me? I love doing nice things for the people I love, and I really don’t want this to ruin his days too (though it always ruins mine, albeit secretly). If I don’t do that, what should I do? Eventually give up expectations of cards or gifts on special days? Keep swallowing the hurt until I’ve got enough scar tissue?

    • Anonymous says

      Honey there should never be scar tissue with your loved one(s). Why is he intentionally hurting you like that?

      • Husbands and Holidays says

        I don’t understand it. So I’m not crazy for feeling like it is intentionally hurtful and not just some difference between us? I’m an only child who had everything growing up and he grew up really poor, so I have been telling myself it’s that, or something else like he forgot. But yesterday he had no trouble calling his mom to wish her a happy mothers’ day.

        • mascot says

          You aren’t his mother though. I’m sorry that he hurt your feelings. Since this is your first Mothers Day, perhaps communicate with him about if yall want to step up until kiddo is big enough to bring home the handmade flower pin and make you breakfast in bed.

          • MomAnon4This says

            +1 Lots of talk. Be explicit. Send a wishlist.
            You’ll never get the magical surprise that fits your every dream that he just KNEW about (trust me, my husband proposed when he was pretending to tie his shoelaces on a walk around the block). But you’ll get what you ask for.

            I know this because last year I re-did my birthday the next night and bought myself a card, cake, candles, cheap gift, everything, and made my husband and kids gather around and sing to me because f-d it up royally the night before, ugh.

        • pockets says

          You’re not crazy, your feelings are completely valid and warranted. He’s being mean. It’s not a rich v. poor thing – plenty of poor people are nice people who don’t ignore the needs of their partners. I don’t know enough to know whether it’s intentional – considering it’s your life partner, I’d hope it’s not his was of intentionally hurting you? Although if he knows it’s hurting you and obstinately refusing to change, that is probably just as hurtful as intentional acts.

          Him calling his mom is different – she’s his mom, it’s Mothers’ Day, she gets a call from her son. You’re not his mother, so he may not “get” that he has to celebrate you. You said you spoke with him but were you clear on your Mothers’ Day expectations?

    • Maddie Ross says

      Obviously this is a know-your-husband and a know-yourself situation, but despite the fact that gifts are your love language, they just might not be his. They’re not my husband’s either, and after 15 years together, I’ve learned that there are some things you can’t really change, though you can make adjustments. For me, I’ve honestly just started telling him what I want – for mother’s day, for birthdays, for Christmas. I either send a little email note with a link, or point it out specifically to him. He’s used to the hints now and listens and it saves so much frustration and hurt. And yes, it’s not surprising or romantic. But that’s not my husband. FWIW, do you know if his dad ever did anything for his mom for mother’s day? I think the holiday used to be much more of a kid-to-mom gift one (so DIY gifts and breakfast) and has become more of a husband-to-wife one over the years (thanks, Hallmark). Maybe that’s part of it?

      • Anonymous says

        This. I told DH I wanted him and DD to bake me a cake for Mother’s Day. Bought the cake mix and icing (he countable done it but I knew it’d be last minute and I was out anyway). I wrote a list for him and DD (it had pics, DD is 3). Bought ingredients so he and DD could make me breakfast.

        I told him not to forget a card for me when I sent him out to buy his mom a card.

        Was it the mothers’ days I had growing up that were orchestrated by my dad and all my uncles/grandfathers? Nope. But he did a nice job of doing what I asked, and my kid had a blast wishing me happy Mother’s Day and covering me in kisses all day. She asked me if today could be Mother’s Day too ;).

    • mascot says

      So what is his love language? Is he showing you his affection in other ways? What happens if you just buy your own gift and let him celebrate you in another way like making reservations for dinner and getting the sitter lined up?
      And if his love language isn’t gifts, your downplaying things for his birthday may not bother him.

    • pockets says

      There was a similar question on Dear Prudie recently – the writer always made her coworker coffee in the morning, but he never returned the favor and the writer was secretly stewing. Prudie’s advice was: stop making him coffee.

      I don’t think that scaling down your observance of his events is per se wrong, what’s important is why you’re doing it. Are you tired of spending so much time and energy on a person who doesn’t reciprocate? Then stop. Don’t be a martyr. Do you think he’s going to be sad at the lack of gift and change? He’s probably not going to, and your expectation that he will is just going to make you even more frustrated.

      So if you want to scale back because you’re tired of the unreciprocated effort, do that. I’d also recommend telling him that that’s the plan ahead of time (i.e., not on the day of his birthday) so that he doesn’t feel like you’re being passive aggressive.

      Also: is it possible that his love language is different, and he is showing you love that way without you really noticing it? When I took the love language test I realized that my language was acts of service, and my husband’s was touch. It made me realize that my husband didn’t realize how much it meant to me when he helped out with chores, and I didn’t realize how much holding hands or hugging meant to him.

    • AIMS says

      Why not tell him how much this means to you and then remind him with concrete suggestions ahead of time? I know some people think it takes the romance out of it but I actually think it’s very effective and it will work out better over time. You seem to recognize that gifts mean a lot to you, but rather than “accept the hurt” why not help him get you the holiday/bday experience you want and take joy in the fact that he wants to do what will make you happy? I’m similar and I just tell Mr. AIMS, “it’s mother’s day, I’d like flowers and breakfast and some sweet token present like X or Y” and it really works if you lightheartedly say it a few times.

    • NewMomAnon says

      Oh, honey. That happened to me my first mother’s day, and it still hurts like he** (and now I’m a single mom, so it obviously went deeper than failure to observe an important holiday). Gifts aren’t my love language, and it still hurt.

      Know that it’s OK to be hurt about this, and it’s OK to tell him you are hurt about it. His response will tell you volumes about his feelings for you and his feelings about your transition to motherhood. Hugs.

    • TK says

      Is this the only way that he’s an insensitive jerk, or one of many ways? If you’ve really talked about it with him over and over again and he doesn’t care, that strike me as a larger issue than just ‘he doesn’t give me gifts on holidays.’ You’ve told him, “I find it hurtful when you do X,” and he continues to do X. It would take pretty minimal effort on his part to comply with X. It isn’t unreasonable to expect him to do X – the vast majority of us are capable of it.

      If he’s going to be upset and hurt if YOU suddenly stop making a big deal out of HIS events, he’s a jerk and a hypocrite since apparently he does value gift giving, so long as he’s the recipient.

      I don’t have advice on getting over the hurt feelings, other than to take some ownership over the events that are important to you and surround yourself with others you feel the same. Spend your birthday / mothers day with close friends or family. Go to a spa. Plan a trip to see a college roommate. Give yourself something to look forward to, so you aren’t reminded all day long that your husband is a jerk (about these sort of things – maybe he’s otherwise wonderful.)

      • Anon in NYC says

        I 100% agree with this. My heart hurts reading your post. It seems like you have made your needs known to him and he is either willfully ignoring them or just completely oblivious. And if he’s calling his own mom on mother’s day, he doesn’t seem completely oblivious.

        I’m really not one to jump on the therapy bandwagon, but some couples counseling focused on this specific issue – your expressed need to receive affection in a particular way and his refusal to provide it – may go a long way. I agree with others that an adjustment of your expectations is probably going to be necessary, but you shouldn’t have to live with being hurt multiple times a year.

      • hoola hoopa says

        I completely agree.

        Love languages don’t always (rarely?) align even among very happy couples – but that’s when you make an effort simply because you love the person and know it matters to them. He knows this is something that matters to you and he didn’t even try. I suspect you’re more upset by the lack of effort not the lack of a gift.

        Sure, you can cut back on his stuff if it’s not enjoyable to you to plan it – but don’t do it out of spite. Do it because you want to redirect your energy to something that he does care about. (It’s clear that gifts aren’t it). If you pull back when he pulls back, you’ll both find yourself in separate corners. But you also need to watch to see if you’re the only one moving.

        Ultimately you as a couple need to be in a place where he’s making an effort to show you that he cares in way that’s meaningful for you and you are making an effort to show him in a way that’s meaningful for him.

    • CHJ says

      Aww friend. You sound so sad and I felt sad just reading your post!

      Gifts are not my husband’s love language. Like, not at all. For Mother’s Day, he wrapped up a mosquito lantern and a new dog leash that he had ordered on Amazon (and I knew about!). I think he would wrap a jar of peanut butter if he thought I would like it. For him, he’s not trying to be cruel. He just doesn’t speak gifting, and he thinks that the exercise of picking out and buying practical things IS gifting.

      Over time, I’ve done a combination of scaling down what he gets for holidays (because he genuinely doesn’t care if he gets gifts), scaling down my own expectations for holidays, and being blunt about what I do want. For Mother’s Day this year, all I really wanted was to have fun together as a family, and that’s what I got. Plus a dog leash.

    • layered bob says

      If this is symptomatic of an overall lack of respect and care for you, then… counseling, I guess.

      My husband is an overall amazing guy but stinks at gifts. For any holiday that I want celebrated, I say, “I would like you to buy me a card or write me a short note. I also want [flowers/jewelry/a grill] but I will pick it out. I would like to receive the card or note on the morning of the holiday. I will send you a reminder.” Then I take care of buying myself whatever I want as the gift. And a few days before the event, I send him a reminder to write me a card.

      He always ends up writing something very sweet in the card (or… piece of notebook paper) and that is meaningful to me. And then when people (like my mother) ask, “What did your husband get your for X holiday?” I can say, “these beautiful flowers/necklace/a grill!”, which makes him look good. (I think in a marriage it is important to make your spouse look good. And yes, he “covers” for me in this way too.)

      • TBK says

        +1 I send my husband three links to things I want and ask him to “surprise” me by picking one of them to give me for whatever the holiday is. And I have to specify that it must be wrapped (being shoved in a gift bag is the most he’ll do, but at least I get that) and that I want it on the holiday, presented to me, not just sort of whenever it shows up (as in “oh, hey, you birthday present arrived — it’s that cardboard box that came in the mail — so just you know open it whenever.”)

        • Betty says

          I love the idea of sending three links and telling him to pick one! A bit of surprise, which is fantastic for those of us who do the “spell it out with no steps assumed.”

    • Suburban says

      My gut tells me this may be indicative of a bigger problem. However, if it’s really about the gifts and celebration, I’ve worked on this with my husband. (Who, fwiw, also grew up poor and, more importantly, in a family where gifts and celebration are just not a big thing.) I plan my own gifts and special days-I order my own roses, plan my own dinner, tell him what I want, ect. Then I genuinely enjoy my day with my otherwise awesome husband. And you know what? He’s gotten much better at helping me plan and even buying suprise gifts. I also genuinely enjoy planning awesome bday celebrations for him-so I still do it and I enjoy that too.
      Why not give it a whirl? If he scoffs at the fun stuff you plan / buy then you have a bigger problem. But if he’s along for the ride he might just not be used to planning stuff. Hope this helps!

    • Mrs. Jones says

      I’m so sorry about this! I am often disappointed by my husband’s lack of attention to holidays, but not to your extent. It really shouldn’t be too hard for your husband to buy a gift for Mother’s Day, esp. if he knows you like gifts. I echo what TK said above. Good luck in getting through to him!

    • Anon says

      My love language is whatever the one is where the person empties the dish washer for you (acts of service? I forget what it’s called.) Do you know how often my husband up and does some little household task for me, just out of pure love? Never. Not one time. Not even after I said “when you empty the dish washer for me, it makes me feel loved and valued.” But every single time I say “honey, would you take out the trash? honey, if I send you a shopping list, can you stop by the grocery? honey, would you wash the shirts tonight?” he immediately stops what he’s doing and does whatever needs to be done. I spent a lot of time feeling hurt and like he didn’t love me because how could he not do these household things when I’d told him how much it means to me and so if he’s not doing it it’s because he doesn’t care, right? I wanted him to do these things not because I’d asked but because he wanted to do them to show how much he loves me. But I think that’s the wrong way to think and I don’t think it actually means he doesn’t love me. He’s just not wired that way. Meanwhile, I’d frequently do “his” household work and when I said “honey, I already brought the trash totes back up and put them in the yard” he’d say “oh okay” and I’d feel hurt that he didn’t appreciate the absolute torrent of love I was sending his way by hauling around the trash totes. His love language is time, so if I sit on the couch with him and give him my full attention and help him talk through something that means 100x more than any trash totes. He honestly doesn’t get how trash totes or dish washers have anything to do with love.

      Did you tell your husband “for mother’s day, I’d like you to take me out to a nice restaurant for brunch then I want you to take the baby out for a few hours so I can have a nap and take a bath without any interruptions, and I’d like flowers, just like this picture with tulips like this, and a card ‘signed’ by the baby”? Because I get that it would be amazing if he just did all that on his own because he loves you and you’re a great mother. But if you weren’t specific and just hoped he’d do X, Y, and Z when he’s never done anything like that before, you’re just asking to get hurt. Maybe there are other problems and maybe he ignores you or hurts you in other ways, but if it’s just the gift thing and you weren’t explicit, I think you probably set yourself up. (Which is understandable. I’ve done it a million times. But it’s not helpful, either for you or for your marriage.) Go all out for his birthday if *you* enjoy doing that. And by enjoy I mean enjoy the doing, not because you’re expecting praise and appreciation or for him to feel love from all the birthday effort you put in. And if you have friends or family who are into birthdays, too, let them spoil you on your birthday. But be absolutely explicit with your husband about waht you want him to do.

      • anne-on says

        Just a quick note to say ‘acts of service’ are my love language too. And no, my husband also does not seem to equate walking in the recycling containers with the act of love that it truly is. And I absolutely swooned yesterday when he made dinner, made kiddos lunch, emptied and reloaded the dishwasher, and cleaned up the kitchen while I watched tv with a glass of wine. Waaaay better than gifts ;)

        • Anon says

          Wow, yeah. I’m ready to print this out for my husband because what you describe is basically my idea of heaven. Forget chocolates and flowers.

    • Meg Murry says

      Just wanted to add another one to the “been there, and I’m so sorry” list. My husband doesn’t really do gifts much, and he doesn’t really care about getting them either. The first few years after my son was born, daycare had always helped him make a craft and/or card, so my husband got off easy. Then one year I was pregnant with my second, we were in the middle of planning a stressful move, I’d spent days coordinating our schedule and gift purchases with my sister and his brother to make sure we made it to see both of our mothers, both living grandmothers and a great-aunt that was like a grandmother that day (which took a ton of coordination), and 9 pm found me bawling on the couch because I was exhausted and he hadn’t done a single thing to acknowledge the day for me.

      He finally got it at that point, and really did feel awful. Especially since I was pregnant so I was sobbing especially hard and I’m pretty sure I swore at him- but it was probably better that way than years of resentment. I spelled it out to him like this – I don’t care about gifts. I don’t care about cards (and in fact, hate pre-printed cheesy Hallmark cards that his mother and grandmother love). But it is his job to teach my sons that on Mother’s Day is the day that you take time to do something nice for your mother (and grandmothers).

      So now I’ve been laying out the groundwork earlier, and spelling it out. After another stressful year when I again spent a ton of time coordinating (this time due to my sister, not him) I finally spelled out that for Mother’s Day, I want:
      -to sleep in at least slightly
      -to not have to spend Saturday/the week before cleaning the house and cooking in anticipation of entertaining
      -to not have to spend the day running from place to place (we can go see some people on Saturday, etc)
      -My husband and his brother to handle a gift for his mother on their own – they can bounce ideas off of me, but I’m not going to let her feel terrible because they didn’t acknowledge her, but I’m not stepping in and handling it either.
      -My husband to help the boys do something small to acknowledge the day, even if it’s just picking a flower for me from the yard. This year they made me cards at school/daycare and made French toast for breakfast.

      But for all of that, the key is to lay out expectations early, and understand that you’ll still have to do at least some of that groundwork every year – but it will get easier.

      • NewMomAnon says

        I know it’s selfish, but this year I came to the realization that I was going to be a resentful mess of a mom/daughter if I celebrated anyone more than I was being celebrated (single mom of toddler means I got a gift from daycare, and that was it). I got a gift for my mom, and told my brother and dad that I was opting out of planning anything but if they planned something, I would appreciate an invite. Brother ended up hosting a brunch.

        I’m still a little resentful that my Mother’s Day was essentially just “Sunday” with the added stress of wrangling a toddler into a dress and supervising her at a house that wasn’t toddler proofed, but way less resentful than I would have been if I had planned the whole shebang.

        • Faye says

          Just giving you an amen. I’m a solo mom of two, and I decided the same this year. No more schleping two whining kids to a brunch and late lunch that they’re not hungry for just to please their grandmothers. I stayed home, we played outside, and I got kisses from my kids (and handprints from their daycare on Friday). Wayyyyy better Mother’s Day for me, the mother.

    • Betty says

      I’ll add another “I’ve been there and it stinks” but… with a twist! My husband and I have been together for 16 years, married for 12 and have a 5 year old and 2.5 year old. He was never “great” with gifts, but pre-kids, he did try. And then things kind of fell apart after we had kids. He just didn’t seem to get it or would get upset that I expected anything. Long story made short: my husband fell into a deep/major/clinical depression after we had kids and we didn’t realize it until after our youngest was born. I am in no way saying that this is what is going on with you, but I think Dads becoming depressed after kids is a thing that is common and not talked about at all.

      Like many of the ladies here, I learned to be very concrete about my expectations: I am a runner so for the last three years, this is what I have told my husband: “I am getting up and running the 5k with my mom. I expect you and the kids to be there to cheer us on. I will help you get them up and dressed. You are not running this 5k; you are watching the kids. After the 5k, I want to stop and pick up coffee and donuts. When we get home, that is the time to give me a card and chocolate that you picked up before Sunday. I am going to shower and then nap/watch a movie with the youngest. In the evening, I want you to cook dinner (I don’t care what it is) and to take a bath with the kids not in the bathroom (it is your job to keep them out of the bathroom). I want you to put the kids to bed.” And that’s it and I’m serious about it. That’s all I want. I had to decide what was important to me and spell it out very clearly, and then not get upset if he didn’t do something I didn’t ask for.

      Its hard, and in case you didn’t hear it yesterday: The first year of motherhood is so hard. You are doing amazing!!

        • Meg Murry says

          Oh, plus one million on this one.

          Along the same lines, I’ve also had to spell out to my husband that it is not acceptable for him and his brother to wait until Christmas Eve to go spend the entire day shopping, leaving me home with a cranky toddler while I’m trying to cook something to take to both family parties. And doubly so when we are expected at a family Christmas Eve dinner at 6 pm and it’s now 5:45 and I haven’t had a chance to shower today (see: cooking and cranky toddler who is hungry for that 6 pm dinner) and his brother’s car is parking mine in so I can’t just go without him. Oh, and he’s not answering his cell phone and hasn’t been for the past 3 hours when I’ve been trying to call.

          95% of the time I love my husband. And I’m sure there are plenty of things I do that drive him crazy. But oh, that last 5%.

          The good news is he’s learning that if he doesn’t want to hear me nagging about something for weeks at a time and reminding him of how he screwed up last time, he learns from it. And gosh, that sounds like such a b*tchy, shrew-ish thing to say, and it isn’t meant to be, not totally. But I consider my husband a work in progress, and I tell my brother-in-law that someday he will have a wife that will appreciate me breaking him in for her.

      • Husbands and Holidays says

        Thank you, Betty!! It does. Honestly, it’s just the final kick in the teeth to this thing called motherhood. It’s truly wonderful and I adore my kid, etc etc, but I should have known that anything “Celebrating” mothers would actually be a crock of extra work and feeling unappreciated.

  6. Maria says

    Thanks to all who commented on my post about breast ultrasound when nursing about 2 weeks ago.
    Everything was OK, the lump I had felt turned out to be a galactocele (a sort of milk blister/clogged duct inside the tissue, clearly visible on the ultrasound). So relieved!
    The doctor said that I did a really good job of detecting something abnormal during a time when there is a lot of change in the tissue anyways because of nursing, and said I shouldn’t hesitate to get checked again if I’m in doubt.

    So ladies, remember to do breast self exams regularly, even when breastfeeding – it’s the only way to tell “this lump is always there” vs. “that’s something new”.

    • MomAnon4This says

      +1 million.
      Thanks for the reminder.
      I still remember a college professor who made her story of finding her lump and insisting on it being tested her Last Lecture every semester. (She was a language professor, so I had her twice.)

    • Betty says

      So glad to hear that you are ok! And, yes, excellent reminder. That’s how I found something (that turned out to be a seriously clogged duct) as well.

    • lsw says

      I was just thinking about you the other day and wondering how it turned out. So glad it came out negative!

      • Maria says

        Yes, I literally sobbed in the exam room when the doctor said everything was fine. And then I had a BIG glass of wine in the evening to celebrate.

  7. Husbands and Holidays says

    OP here. Thank you all so much. Seriously, your words and stories and thoughts are balm to my soul.

    Hearing that I’m not the only one whose husband doesn’t speak gift helps tremendously. I forgot to mention that I worked in a specialty high-end gift store for five years, so I literally spent my days helping hapless husbands plan elaborate gifts for their wives. My husband is amazing, and does lots of things for me. In fact, he is king of the spontaneous nice gift– usually on a random tuesday. Which is part of why this is so baffling to me– like, SAVE that for a week and give it to me ON THE DAY… He’s a fantastic partner and dad, and is very giving to me overall.

    I have sent him links to things before, and he has always bought it and wrapped it, and it has made both of us extremely happy. There is this horrible, Hallmark part of me that says I shouldn’t have to do that and he doesn’t really love me if I do. So I’m raising my afternoon coffee cup to the peanut butter and dog leashes and mosquito lanterns. Because hearing that there are other women who have happy relationships with great guys who just cannot figure out what seems to be a basic life skill makes me feel like the world will be okay again.

    TBK, I love the idea of several things to choose from so it’s still a surprise. And yep, I’ve gotten the “your present’s over there, in that box…”

    His love language is definitely acts of service. And I can never understand why he gets so emotional about the dishwasher, but I’m always happy to unload it when he asks. So yup, this is so so much easier to understand now, especially because I’ll know I’m not the only one going “buy me this. here’s some wrapping paper. yes i could buy it myself but i need you to give it to me in the paper.” And covering for him by saying, oh, my husband got me this awesome thing!

    And Meg, +1 million on this: “I don’t care about gifts. I don’t care about cards (and in fact, hate pre-printed cheesy Hallmark cards that his mother and grandmother love). But it is his job to teach my sons that on Mother’s Day is the day that you take time to do something nice for your mother (and grandmothers).”

    • Anon says

      So true. My love language is acts of service, and his is…the touchy one. Which I’m not. It’s so hard! But I’m not above sending links. Heck, my BFF and I went ahead and made the reservation for the fancy dinner so all the husbands had to do was drive us and pay. We had a fantastic time!

      • Betty says

        Oh man, can we talk about the disconnect when your husband/SO’s love language is the touchy one, your’s is acts of service/gifts and you have young kids at home so need absolutely no more touching ever?!

        • anne-on says

          Oh my god yes. I get all the touching I need from my toddler. Add in an introverted personality with an ‘acts of service’ love language and its like, will everyone stop hugging me and do a damn chore already?

    • Momata says

      Just wanted to add to the “I’ve been there.” I have a toddler and a baby, and just switched jobs. The past four months have been absolutely crushing. We’ve been keeping it together, but every day has been a struggle. For Mother’s Day I got a store-bought card “from” each kid. I still did all my same chores and had zero downtime. Today is our anniversary. I knew I would be stewing all day if I didn’t just spill the beans, so this morning I had to start our anniversary by gently telling DH I didn’t feel like two cards was really enough after the 2016 I’ve had so far. DH was sad, sad, sad. And that made me sad. But better sad than mad.

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