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I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: every nursing mama needs at least one or two proper “nursing” tops — but probably not much more than that. The best, most functional tops are usually pretty obvious for what they are, but they’re great to have for those times you know you’re going to end up nursing in public and want to do it as conservatively and comfortably as you can, like when you’re on an airplane, at a playdate, or more. (A note on those nursing ponchos: in my experience, unless you nurse every single time with a nursing poncho, the kiddo thinks you’re giving him a new toy and will fuss with the poncho more than your breast. Maybe I just had fussy boys…) As for the pictured top — this particular brand is well known and well loved for functional, simple, stylish nursing clothes, and I like the short-sleeved tee the best. It’s available in 16 colors, sizes XS-XXL, for $55-$62 at Amazon. Boob Round Neck Short Sleeve Maternity Nursing Top (L-2)Sales of note for 3.28.24
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Batgirl says
Good morning! It looks like I’m going to be induced in the next few days — I’m already planning on having an epidural but beyond that, any tips or words of wisdom? Specifically wondering if there are any good or bad “last meals” before going in. I find myself most concerned about how hungry I’m going to get!
Anonymous says
Never induced so no tips (except I’ve heard it sometimes takes awhile so bring your computer and what not to entertain yourself). Best luck and congrats – Super exciting!!!
Mrs. Jones says
I ate 3 large pieces of supreme pizza before I went to the hospital. :) I too was afraid of getting hungry, but it didn’t really happen. I think I was too distracted by all the goings-on. Definitely bring some snacks just in case. Good luck!
MomAnon4This says
I had Thanksgiving dinner the night before going into labor.
I threw it up.
Then after delivery the hospital gave me Thanksgiving leftovers.
For 2nd kid, after my water broke at home, I ate french toast. It was great. It did stay down.
Good luck!
Anonymous says
I was late too. Induction was scheduled for 41 + 4 (it was a Friday and they didn’t do weekend inductions, OB didn’t want to wait til Monday which would have been 41+6).
Luckily I went into labor at 2am on the day I was scheduled for induction so I avoided it. I was waffling on skipping the induction anyway since ALL babies in our family are super late. I was almost 3 weeks late; my siblings were each 1-2 weeks late. All cousins late, etc.
GCA says
DEFINITELY EAT! I was not induced, but I neglected to eat anything between dinner and a 4am epidural, so ended up running out of steam while pushing… it turns out that being well-fuelled is very, very important to my body. You’d think as a marathon runner I would know this, but I had other things on my mind.
AIMS says
I had an egg and cheese on a bagel and I brought some Luna bars with me just in case. I was lucky to give birth quickly so I didn’t get a chance to get hungry but I was super happy to have a Luna bar right after I gave birth, and when they took the baby away to get cleaned up and I was waiting to change rooms. Mr. AIMS went to get me food, but it was like someone turned on a ravenous switch – I really just needed something then. But during, I didn’t think about it at all. And I do recommend the egg sandwich on a big bagel as a “last meal” – if I do this again, I’m going to do the same exact thing. I also snuck in some water because I hate ice chips and if you didn’t pack it already, bring a robe and slippers with you (it’s nice to have something besides a hospital gown to walk around the floor of the hospital in). Good luck!
Anon in NYC says
Congrats! I was scheduled for an induction but my water broke the day before. I still wound up needing pitocin to jump start labor because I wasn’t having contractions. I’ve heard that contractions with pitocin are “worse” than without it, but I have no basis for comparison. I did wind up getting an epidural earlier than I had planned, but after the epidural everything was just calm and relaxed. My labor was 24 hours. Before I went to the hospital I had an egg sandwich. This held me over for a while. When I started to get hungry, the hospital had jello, italian ices, and unsalted chicken broth. The chicken broth was so nice when I started to get really hangry (say at around the 18 hour mark) but also sick of the sugar in the jello and ices. I also brought coconut water and jolly ranchers. I don’t know that my nurses were thrilled with the jolly ranchers, but they let me have them. I’ve heard to avoid spicy/acidic foods (basically anything you wouldn’t want to throw back up), but I also think that if you have a longer labor that it really isn’t going to matter much!
Anon in NYC says
Oh, and to echo AIMS’ comment, do bring a robe, slippers, and a nursing gown (I think I got the Baby Be Mine maternity one from Amazon). You’ll have frequent checks during your stay and will be wearing, essentially, a diaper so it’s easier than pants (plus if you have a c-section, I can imagine pants are tricky). And the hospital will encourage you to get up and move around postpartum, and you’ll want a robe to wander the halls.
Due in December says
I was induced, and my hospital had the same options….jello, italian ice, broth. I had actually had GD and loved the excuse for sugar, so I made sure to order extra jellos and stash them in the fridge for DH to get for me. I ate beforehand, even though I wasn’t hungry (nerves). Didn’t eat except for jello and Gatorade for about 40 hours, but I wasn’t hungry or nauseated (YMMV).
EB0220 says
YES: Brownies, crackers, cheese NO: Epic bar (still hate my husband for giving me that thing)
LegalMomma says
At the advice of our instructor from our what to expect class I brought in Ensure to drink during labor. You have to make sure it says that it says that it is “clear” on the drink – but hospitals etc. will usually let you drink anything that is a “clear liquid.” You can find them in almost any grocery store. I was so glad I had brought the drinks – I had a ridiculously long labor and started getting really hungry around the 30 hour mark (18 hours admitted at that point . . . ) and they provided some much needed calories.
Momata says
I loved chocolate protein shakes. They filled me up without introducing any texture, and they were cold and sweet.
Lkl says
I got very nauseated, so food did not appeal. Hospital had italian ices, which were at first awesome and then nauseating. Best thing we brought were playing cards. We very rarely play cards, but it was all I had the brainpower to concentrate on in the 10 hours between when the induction began and when I got an epidural.
CPA Lady says
Sorry to be gross, but something easy to throw up, just in case. Its a lot easier/less painful to throw up a PB&J than a bunch of nachos, in my unfortunate experience.
CLMom says
I ate around 6pm (hospital dinner), was induced around 9pm, epidural around 3am, and delivered around 6pm. I never threw up, and I wasn’t really hungry the whole, foodless day. Too much excitement/nerves.
(TMI: Strawberry milk is among the best tasting things to throw up…it tempers all the acid flavors.)
Congrats in advance!
CLMom says
As far as other advice…if you have a “sleepy baby”, be sure to still set your alarm and try to nurse and/or pump. I attribute my very slow and low milk production the first month to the first week. I thought my baby would tell me when she was hungry, but she didn’t. I had to be in charge and force her to eat (including waking her up).
In my experience, I was much less prepared for breastfeeding than anything else.
Anonymous says
Same here! I had to wake up my baby to eat and was so tired it ended up being 4.5-5 hours between feedings. She did fine but gained weight a bit slowly and production was always an issue.
Batgirl says
Thanks, everyone, this is helpful! I wish I had a clearer idea of whether we were inducing too soon but these tips are helpful!
AIMS says
When was your due date? Also, how are you being induced? My doctor just broke my water with a needle and we didn’t need any drugs. She said she almost never needs to use drugs, which I was happy with. And as for soon/too soon, who knows, but I had similar doubts, was a week late, and it was very lucky that we did it when we did because when water broke it was just a bit green and baby would have been swimming in that had we waited for things to happen naturally.
Anon in NYC says
FWIW, my dr said that she likes to induce no later than 41 weeks. I was scheduled for 41w 1d. She said that, in her experience, she thought babies delivered in the 39-41 week range handled the stress of labor better than babies at the 42 week mark. Something to do with the placenta being less able to support a 42-week baby. Of course, she was willing to let me go to 42 weeks if that’s what I wanted.
Due in December says
For what it is worth, I had an induction (went almost straight from my ObGyn appt., so no time to prepare!) and it was actually a really positive experience. I also had an epidural, but held off until I had labored for a while and was 8 cm. dilated or so, and so it didn’t slow things down at all.
One thing I recommend now is telling someone to take pictures of you with the baby soon after birth, if that is what you want. My DH was too distracted, and I am kind of sad I didn’t get a picture until a couple of hours later…
Batgirl says
Due date was just yesterday and we’re talking about inducing tomorrow because the baby’s head hasn’t dropped at all (baby’s free floating in there), I’m showing no signs of dilation, the baby is measuring a bit big, and I have slightly elevated blood pressure. Doc says he expects I’ll end up needing to be induced in the end (doesn’t want to go past 41 weeks anyway) and that these other factors (size and blood pressure) make him inclined to schedule it sooner rather than later. Personally, I suspect we’d wait a few more days if he worked weekends.
Jen says
Best of luck! Go with the flow! Eat something yummy, filling, but not too crazy. (I had such terrible heartburn at the end of my pregnancy that I had to swear off all things remotely spicy anyway.) Mine ended in a c-section but otherwise wasn’t too bad — congratulations!!
Butter says
Something with peanut butter! I remember that sticking well.
Also, spend some time thinking about what you’ll be eating immediately after. I wasn’t really hungry during labor (and labored for about ~15 hours after I ate my last “meal”) but was RAVENOUS immediately after delivery. I was given some saltines, a granola bar and apple juice, but could have eaten a Hungry Man dinner or two. I delivered in the middle of the night and think I was able to order a real meal around 5am, and am pretty sure I ordered at least two full breakfasts. Make sure you’ll have access to calories quickly just in case you’re hungry after – and not just granola bars.
Congrats, and enjoy!
Navy Attorney says
Bring a phone charger. You’re there for 3 days, you’ll need it!
In House Lobbyist says
Don’t eat fried jalapeno poppers as a word of advice. I had that and waffles from a dive restaurant and my water broke three weeks early that night. I was so sick and jalapeno are never easy to throw up.
anon says
I was worried about being hungry but wasn’t once contractions really started. My induction was long but successful. I was 42 weeks pregnant and basically not dilated at all. I had 2 rounds of cervadil, and the contractions started after the 2nd one was placed shortly after midnight (I had a big burger for dinner, and that was the last thing I ate before giving birth). Pitocin started around noon, and I gave birth around 4 pm. Try not to get discouraged if your progress is slow – it isn’t linear, and can speed up quickly. Good luck!
Maria says
Depending on the policy of the hospital, you’ll not be allowed to eat anything after being induced, just drink clear liquid as others have mentioned. Be sure to get something sweet like apple juice – I didn’t know that I needed to be energized for pushing, and asked for water the whole night because that’s what I normally drink. Night nurse also didn’t bring the topic of sugary drinks up. The morning nurse then brought me juice when she found out I hadn’t had anything with sugar for 16 h, but I threw it right back up since labor was getting really painful.
Luckily I pushed for not even 15 min, and then ordered the biggest hospital lunch I could get.
Other useful things:
– A notebook. I made notes about what happened at which time during the process, and I like reading it 3 months later.
– Card game.
Good luck!
Katala says
+1 to cards and food for after delivery. I started on cervadil (I think? It went in my cheek) around 3am and doc gave me a break from the monitors to eat lunch. They said nothing heavy but I wanted burger, fries and milkshake so that’s what I ate. It was glorious. Baby arrived shortly before midnight. I was out of it and doula gave me lactation cookies, which were the best things I’ve ever eaten. I ate 4 then a big meal (thank goodness for NYC all night take out).
Overall induction was fine. Pain wasn’t bad at all until I was 8-9 cm then epidural then transition which is all I remember being very painful. Pushed for like 20 mins and bam a little human.
Good luck and congrats!
AIMS says
Hmm. I don’t have a single proper nursing top. I just wear tank tops or button downs and pull them down/aside. Oh well.
Question: my daughter has started to wake up more during the night (used to only wake up once, twice at most, to nurse and lately has been anywhere between 3-5 times). If I nurse her she goes back to sleep but she doesn’t really need to eat every hour and a half and obviously I’m not sleeping well through this. If I/Mr. AIMS try to just soothe her she’ll usually just cry until she is more fully awake and then I end up nursing her anyway just to get her back to sleep. But if we take her to bed with us she usually sleeps with no problem and will only wake up maybe one or two more times after that and sometimes not at all (so 2-3 times total). We don’t mind her sleeping with us and it’s a better arrangement for me than waking up every 1.5-2 hrs., but I’m wondering if this will make it impossible for her to sleep on her own later. For those that co-sleep, did you find the transition to getting your kid to sleep alone difficult? Any other tales of experience? For reference, she’s 5.5 months.
Anon says
Many kids transition fairly easily to sleeping independently down the road. You can also sidecar the crib if you want to maintain the independence a bit more.
Have you tried Advil to see if it’s teething that’s waking her up? You could also try some solids to help fill her up more before bed.
MomAnon4This says
We do give “dessert bottle” — just milk or formula, but we serve it to the baby around 8:30 or 9 pm, when dinner was usually around 6:30. We give about 5 ounces.
Also, some babies are just restless sleepers. If she’s crying but not AWAKE – crying in her sleep, or just fussy — let her cry. I know it kills you, but it’ll be ok.
AIMS says
I don’t have a problem letting her cry or be fussy in her sleep, but what happens is she wakes herself up and then is just UP. I guess I can just let her be up, cry and then eventually fall asleep but that’s 30-40 min. of misery for me to get through vs. just 10 min. of nursing and put her back or 2-3 min. of just take her to bed and that’s it.
Anon in NYC says
If you want to co-sleep, go for it. There are a bunch of resources out there that can help you transition to a crib/separate room later on when you are ready. Sometimes the path of least resistance really is what is best for everyone (mom, dad, baby) at the moment. I think this is an area where the Sleep Lady Shuffle could work down the line.
Anonymous says
We just weaned my 6.5 month old and transitioned her to only sleeping in her crib (she was in a rock and play and in our bed). It was a process. I would say take it took a month, and we also transitioned her from a swaddle to a zippy. So much work! I’m tired just writing this. She still wakes up 3-4 times a night, and takes too many bottles, but we are getting there. Sleep training is next. She is my tough one.
All of this is to say, you will be able to make the transition when you are ready. I loved having her in the bed until it didn’t make sense for us anymore, and we made the transition. She also may be going through a growth spurt. My daughter recently had 3 days of insane eating (40 ounces a day), and then backed off again so it could be short lived waking.
Katala says
Mine slept with us until 6 or 6.5 months, when none of us was sleeping well (he was big, took too much room, just wanted boob if he woke even a little, DH felt trapped in one position for fear of waking baby). Next was crib in our room (and often in our bed at some point each night) until he was clearly just being disturbed by us, so into his own room he went. Sleep is not perfect but works for now and transition to the crib was a non-issue despite my fears.
Semi-nonymous says
Just got confirmation that yes, our youngest also has severe hearing loss in one ear, just like his big brother (and possibly me as well, although maybe not as severe).
On one hand, we kind of knew this was coming, as we’ve suspected for a while but he wasn’t old enough for a conclusive test (its harder to test with little kids when its only in one ear). But his has been fluctuating for a while, so I was holding out hope that it was more related to seasonal allergies and could be fixed with decongestants or maybe tubes in his ears, as the pediatrician suspected when he was 2-3. Nope. Round 2 of testing and hearing aid fitting and 504 plans here we come. At least the oldest was 5 and a calmer kid when we found out – the younger one is 4 and much rowdier and energetic.
At least we have the money saved in an HSA, because, joy of joys, insurance won’t cover it, and the older one probably needs a new one too. Maybe early intervention will, but I’m not holding my breath. Oh, and we may have to find a new audiologist and ENT as well, as the ones we used before that specialized in little kids have moved. Time to go bump up the HSA contribution and raid the vacation fund in case we have any more medical issues this year. Its crazy – insurance would cover a cochlear implant surgery and the CI device if he was a candidate (which he probably won’t be) for tens to hundreds of thousands of dollars, but not a hearing aid for a couple thousand. Sigh.
Anon in NYC says
Ugh. Hugs.
CLMom says
E-support hug for you and the fam.
Samantha says
Sorry to hear that! Good luck with the younger one.
Also Semi-nonymous says
My near two yr old also has unilateral hearing loss. His drs picked it up at birth but due to his particular diagnosis he is only a candidate for a trial HA now. However, we are going through EI and they cover the cost. As I understand it might take a few extra weeks for the paperwork to come through but you don’t have to go through insurance and there are no copays. Is it not possible to go through early intervention in your case (or the next age group equivalent)? They also cover regular speech therapy sessions and private audiology visits (the latter which I just discovered after paying a ton for visit copays).
As he gets older, this also allows him to get assistive technology in the classroom and other necessary accommodations
Good luck!
Semi-nonymous says
Unfortunately, in our state EI is officially only birth to 3, and then 3-5 is generally only for kids continuing with therapies/interventions started before 3. We have an appointment setup to have a more thorough screening through the local agency that also does EI though, so they may be able to give us more information. Unfortunately, although we tried to have him screened when he was younger, the results weren’t conclusive enough, probably because his hearing loss is concentrated in certain frequencies (of course, those that correspond with the human voice are worst, just our luck), not across the board. There are programs to help out families who are lower income to get hearing aids, but we probably don’t qualify. I’m grateful we will be able to afford to buy them ourselves and my kids won’t have to go without them, but I just wish it could at least count toward my medical “out of pocket maximum”. Unless something drastic changes, we have the money in our HSA right now, but it will take our medical emergency fund down lower than I am comfortable with. It’s definitely a first world/top 25% problem for us, not a totally calamity, but the extra cost is just adding insult to the rest of the annoyance of the issue like scheduling a ton of appointments, etc.
labor like your mom? says
I’m curious how many of you mamas had a similar labor to your mothers. My mom went early with both my brother and me (we were each 2-3 weeks early and still weighed 8-9+ pounds), so as far as work is concerned I’m attempting to have all my projects wrapped up early and thinking of my due date as June 30 instead of July 19th. My husband thinks it’s just wishful thinking. Curious anecdotally if women here have experienced similar or totally different labors to their mothers or if it’s totally luck of the draw. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit I hope to labor under an hour like she did also!
Jen says
Mine was somewhat similar to my mom’s and sister’s — neither of us had a single contraction our entire pregnancy, we never went into labor, and were all induced. My mom had me at 42 weeks (via c-section); my sister was induced at 42 weeks and had a c-section; and I was induced with my first and had him via c-section at 41w6d, so almost 42 weeks. All babies in the 7 lbs ish range, too.
anon says
Very similar — water broke before due date, no contractions, induction. But my sibling and I were both about 2 weeks early, whereas my baby was only 2 days early.
anon says
Oh, and both my sibling and I were 7.5 lb but my baby was inexplicably 8.5 lb (inexplicably as in, my spouse was only 6.5 lb at birth, my weight gain wouldn’t have predicted a big baby, while I was in labor the doctor estimated baby at 7 lb).
Faye says
I was 3+ weeks late, with no contractions beforehand, and then a 3-4 hour labor. My brother was 1 week late, again no contractions, and about a 1 hour labor. Both around 8 pounds.
My doctors wouldn’t let me go that long, so I was induced at 41.5 weeks with my first (ended up with a csection due to my own health issues), and then scheduled a csection at 39.5 weeks with my second (to avoid a repeat of the health issues). Both kids around 7 pounds.
Anecdotally with friends, if you are a similar build/bone structure to your mother, you’re likely to have a similar length pregnancy (for at least the first kid) but the labor and delivery part can vary widely. If you’re a different build, all bets are off.
pockets says
My mom and I had very similar labors. We both went into labor 2 weeks early and during a full moon (for weeks beforehand I was telling anyone who would listen that I would be 2 weeks early based on the moon schedule. No one believed me). My water spontaneously broke before labor and I think hers did too. I had a short labor and I think she did too.
pockets says
I’m very differently built than my mom – she is short and squat, I am tall and not squat.
CPA Lady says
None of our experiences were similar, but that may have something to do with our ages. My sister was in her mid/late 20s with her two, I was in my early 30s, and my mom was in her late 30s/early 40s. My mom had both me and my sister early, and delivered “naturally”. I was 5 weeks early, and my sister was 7 weeks early. My mom was 38 and 40 when she had us. I was 30 when my daughter was born. I had her by a planned c-section at 39 weeks. The only similarity between my pregnancy and my mom’s pregnancy was that I was breech and so was my daughter. The doctor was able to turn me while my mom was in labor. My sister was induced a few weeks early for her first due to the baby’s slow growth, and had the second one right around her due date.
Clementine says
Counterpoint: My mom was 1-2 weeks late with her 7-8 lb kids and had long, but uncomplicated, labors.
My water broke at 30 1/2 weeks and Little Clem was born 7 1/2 weeks early. My labor was… well, either 2 days or 9 hours, depending on how you count it, and ended up with lots of post-baby coming out complications.
Being wrapped up early is definitely not a bad idea. I was writing transition memos from the hospital. I highly suggest going to Target and buying a nursing tank, a pair of leggings with a wide waistband in a size or two up, and a cheap zip-up hoodie, plus travel sizes of all your toiletries and an extra phone charger and keeping them in a bag as a ‘just in case’ precaution. I learned this from my BFF who went into labor when all the clothes she was planning on wearing in the hospital were in the laundry when she had to go to the hospital. I literally ended up having to pick up stuff out of her dryer to bring to her. Having that bag, which I had just done as a ‘why not’ exercise, made me feel like I had at least some control when my water broke.
back says
Wow, same situation over here–except when my water broke, it was game over and he was born hours later…
NewMomAnon says
You should absolutely try to wrap up work projects a few weeks before your “official” due date, regardless of whether you expect to go into labor by then. I was not functional the last few weeks of my pregnancy (and went into labor a week earlier than my due date) and was so glad that I had very little to do at the end.
As far as similarity to mom – I was born three weeks late weighing more than 10 pounds via emergency C section after my mother spent some ungodly amount of time laboring, and brother was a planned C section. I went into labor naturally a week before my due date and gave birth v*ginally (albeit via a very long labor) to an 8.5 lb kiddo. My mother and I have very similar builds. Her pregnancy was high risk and she was on bed rest for several months; mine was relatively uncomplicated and I remained very active up until the end. I think that probably accounts for the differences in our labor/delivery date experiences more than anything.
SC says
Mine was eerily similar to my mother’s. Her due date with me was almost the same as my due date with my son. I was born a month early, and my son was born the day after my birthday, also about a month early. And, I know this can’t really be a thing, but my mom “knew” when I was pregnant that my son would be born early. She kept telling me “Well, he may be early, just saying…” And she had a vacation planned during his due date, never changed it, came to visit me the week of my birthday (for my shower, to help us get ready for baby, and for my birthday), and was here when I had my son.
SC says
Also, our labors were about the same. Both of us had our water break, were induced, and had a short labor (about 4-5 hours).
Our pregnancies were completely different. I had severe morning sickness, then problems with dizziness and faintness, then got the flu, then had about 6 good weeks, and finally was put on bed rest and medication for the last month to hold off early labor. My mother was pregnant while doing rotations in her third year of medical school and managed to hide her pregnancy until she gave birth, at which point she had to call the dean and tell him she wouldn’t be in the next day. (Her plan was give birth at the end of the term and just not tell. Another woman had been kicked out of the school when she got pregnant.)
Butter says
I’m not sure how similar I was to my mom, but I started to wrap things up about a month before my due date, even though I was planning on working up until my due date (due on a Monday, was planning on working until the Friday before). I thought I was on top of things but of course things got crazily busy at work in the last few weeks and I was utterly shocked when my water broke a week and a half early. Things were fine, but I’d have made sure my office was a lot tidier if I knew that was the last time I’d be in for a couple months ;)
Spirograph says
Very similar. We are similar builds, similar ages for pregnancy (and similar spacing between pregnancies), and babies came a few days early with short labors, uncomplicated pregnancy, birth and recovery. Babies were similar sizes at birth.
Definitely wrap things up early at work, regardless. For the last month of each pregnancy, I kept a running status file on all of my major projects that I shared with people who would have responsibility in the event that I didn’t show up to work the next day. You never know what’s going to happen! I decided I was done with work a week ahead of my due date in each case, anyway. I just was not going to drag myself out of the house and pretend to care anymore. The fact that everything had was already consolidated and ready for pass-down made that decision a lot easier.
rakma says
My sisters had similar births to my Moms, babies were on time or late, labor was pretty quick. I’m the outlier–136 hours of labor (doctors still gasp when looking at my file!), followed by a small medical crisis and 3 days of DD in the bilirubin bassinet for jaundice. DD was 2 weeks early, and I’ll second the recommendation to have everything at work wrapped up as well as you can early. I have no idea how I would have been able to do more than send an email with the location of some files in the days following DD’s birth.
October says
Has your pregnancy been like your mother’s? How about your menstrual cycle symptoms? For my anecdata, my pregnancy and labor was nothing like my mother’s (she had HG pregnancies and long labors, I had a “textbook” pregnancy and quick labor several weeks ahead of due date). However, my pregnancy and labor situation was very much like my aunts’ on my dad’s side; fwiw, I used to have excruciating cramps with my period, as did my aunts, but my mother never did.
All that to say, if you have resembled your mother in other areas of “women’s health,” there’s may be a chance. If not, I’d say probably not. But agree with others and be prepared!
MDMom says
My labor was very similar to my mom’s, in duration and somewhat timing- she had one on time baby, then a 2 week late baby, then a slightly early baby. My first was on time like hers. My labor also was similar in duration etc to hers. My sister, however, had labors very different from my mom’s but similar to our paternal grandmother’s. So in terms of speculation, you might want to consider that side of the family too. In any event, it doesn’t hurt to be prepared early. I would caution you though not to convince yourself that it will go the same and especially do not mention this to co-workers, friends, etc. Because if it doesn’t happen that way, you will be ready to murder the next person who comments on you still being pregnant come week 40. In fact, I would tell everyone you expect to be late. Good luck!
Anonymous says
Your cycle will be your biggest predictor of due date. A shorter cycle (especially if you are only about 23/24 days) makes it more likely that you will start labor naturally before week 40 – although even then it would rarely be before week 37/38.
MomAnon4This says
Sounds interesting – a study or a source you can point to?
This is the first time I’ve heard this, is all, and i”m not sure if it sounds scientific or old-wives-tale — just occurred to me how sexist “old wife’s tales” are
labor like your mom? says
This is fascinating – I do have a short cycle, even more like 21/23 days sometimes (I have always had an unpredictable cycle).
Pigpen's Mama says
Mine was completely different than all of my mom’s births, as well as her sister’s and mother’s. All of them had babies early — from a few weeks to a three months. I fully expected that I would have my daughter a few weeks, if not a month, early. Nope, went almost a week late and then was induced.
That being said, I did leave work a week before my due date, because I was just done with anyone having any expectations of me and had wrapped up most everything by then.
Anonymous says
NOT similar to my mom. Pregnancy was totally different from mom too. My paternal grandmother is dead, so I can’t ask her, but from what family remembers, I appear to have had inherited my pregnancy and L&D from my fathers side of the family.
EB0220 says
Mine weren’t all that similar. For example, I came 2 weeks late and my oldest came almost 4 weeks early. Also, for what it’s worth, I do not think too highly of short labors. Mine was around 3 hours with my 2nd and I would much prefer a more gradual buildup.
labor like your mom? says
This is awesome. Thanks, everyone. I know there is no way to predict but I was just curious.
Anon says
My first and only, I had very fast labor. 9-10 hours of false labor during which time I could sleep and do stuff. 2 active hours and 3 hours of pushing (needed an episiotomy in the end). To encourage fast labor, during false labor, sleep, take hot baths, imagine your cervix opening and practice any relaxation techniques. (All that goes out the window during active labor.) Of course, not saying this stuff trumps anatomy and baby’s position, but you might as well try. If you think it might be fast, wear depends on the car and put tarps/towels down in the car and get the GD car seat out of the way. My LO started crowning in the car – scary. I was bucking and moaning like a crazy person with my husband trying his best not to wreck. Be ready to pant!!!
MomAnon4This says
Does “false” = “early”? Usually false = NOT true labor.
Anonymous says
I think of them as the same but could be wrong. My labor was weird bc my contractions never got regular. Even at the end w the DR ready to catch my LO, I had up to 5 minute breaks in my contractions. The nurses were even confused.
Batgirl says
I had read that “false labor” is kind of a misnomer. That it’s still part of labor just not part of the “this is happening soon” variety. So it’s part of the process, just not a reason to go to the hospital.
AIMS says
Very similar. Both late and with quick labors. But I needed help with my water breaking, she didn’t. This was a different time though – they used to let you go much longer.
Anonymous says
Mine was similar to my mom’s (and all hers were similar). Very late, big baby. Her labor was longer; mine was pretty quick once it finally happened.
Another sleep question says
My LO is a little over 3 months. I usually feed him around 6:00 when I get home, and then again around 7:30/8 when he gets sleepy. We often do bedtime-y activities before that like a bath, reading books, and/or lowkey play. The “bad” part is that after that we often keep him downstairs with us, letting him sleep in our arms, until we go to bed around 10. Then he gets a diaper change, put in his jammies/Merlin, and another short feeding, after which he quickly and easily goes to sleep in his crib in our room. He then will sleep until 6:30/7am with one wakeup for a feeding around 3/3:30am (after which he goes back to sleep in his crib easily).
This works well for me, as it allows me to snuggle him for an extra hour or two, and for me to get a good chunk of sleep before the 3am feeding. But I imagine this goes against lots of recommendations, and we should be putting him down earlier in his crib. The problem is that when we try to put him down at 7:30/8pm it takes much longer to get him to fall asleep in his crib vs when we do it at 10pm, and then he is up every 2-3 hours throughout the night (like 10:30, 12:30, 2:30, 4:30, then 7am), and seems to have really restless sleep inbetween. Granted, we often only try this for a night or two before we get freaked/exhausted and go back to our old routine, so maybe if we stuck with it longer it would work itself out, but it’s tough when the other way is so much easier.
So how bad am I messing up by not really putting him down until 10pm? Or is this an ‘if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it’ situation? I know we’re approaching the dreaded 4 month sleep regression so figured we’d make it through that and then figure out a good routine, but could use some feedback.
Clementine says
SAVE FOR HIS THERAPY NOW.
No, totally kidding. This is what we do with our kid and it works for us. When it stops working, we’re going to re-evaluate. Until then, it’s fabulous.
Another sleep question says
Hahaha, love this. And great to hear we’re not the only ones!
NewMomAnon says
At 3 months old, I don’t think he knows that he has a “sleep routine” yet. It’s going to evolve a lot over the next 9-12 months. I say, enjoy this while you can because it won’t last and you’ll miss it later.
MomAnon4This says
You are a great mom! The baby will be great – right now he needs hugs from parents more than he needs a sleep schedule, if it works for you.
One mantra another mom taught me in my mommy and me group was, “Don’t worry — your kid WILL need therapy. But it won’t be because of ______ (how you got them to sleep when they were 3 months old, or when she transitioned to a sippy cup, or too much screen time as a toddler during restaurant meals or fill-in-the-blank)”.
At this point, your schedule is working well for your family. Go with it.
Another sleep question says
You all are the best. Thanks for the votes of confidence! Will stay with what’s working until it doesn’t work any more.
Anonymous says
you’re doing great. Extra baby snuggles are good for both of you. Only suggestion I would make is to look into babywearing. He may enjoy sleeping in an Ergo or similar type carrier in the evening and then you would have your hands free/be able to walk around without waking him.
MDMom says
At this age, I wouldn’t worry about it. I think when baby gets closer to 5-6 months and older, a sleep routine becomes more important and desirable.
K. says
Our 22 month old still goes to sleep at around 9:30 and sleeps in until about 7:30 or 8am and this works well for us. I actually love this schedule and until we have to change it, I’m not worried.
rakma says
DD has an extra-wide foot. (Not just wide, her poor feet looked like little sausages in the wide sandals I just had to return) and finding water shoes has been an exercise in frustration. Anyone have any ideas on wider than usual shoes that won’t fall apart in the water?
I’d prefer not to get crocs, since they don’t stay on her feet, but I’m beyond caring about fashion at this point.
mascot says
How old is she? Have you looked at Keens? I think they have wides. Stride-Rite sells extra-wides in some of its shoes. Nike Sunrays were easy to get on my son’s chubby foot and they are pretty stretchy.
rakma says
She’s 2.5–we’ve had luck with Stride Rite, but they don’t do the water shoes in XW. I’ll take a look at the Sunrays, they haven’t come up in my searches yet.
hoola hoopa says
Nike Sunray!!!
Ms B says
The Speedo brand water shoes at Target always have worked for The Kid and his Fred Flintstone feet. We generally size up to get him enough width for comfort. They do stretch out, but at about $12 after a Cartwheel promo and Redcard, getting a second pair for late summer is not a problem.
Anon for this says
Ladies, I need some advice/commiseration/something. I have a 7-month old baby, and I work full time. I love my LO dearly, and I am so grateful for him . . . but he is a challenge. He is a mediocre sleeper, and a terrible eater — he has fought nursing from day one (unclear why exactly), barely tolerates bottles, and has hardly any more enthusiasm for solids. He’s also just in general a fussy, hard-to-please baby. I feel like every day I spend with him consists mostly of battling him to nurse/otherwise eat, battling him to try to get him to sleep, and getting through the day without me melting down. I’ve started to dread spending time with him, and I cry on the subway on my way to work almost every day, having spent the morning with a baby screaming at my b**bs. I’m also exhausted from his night wakings (though incidentally those are the only times he nurses without incident). I feel like a terrible mom, a terrible employee, and a terrible wife/friend/person.
Please tell me this will get better? I love my little guy so much. . . but I just don’t like him much of the time, and it is just tearing me up inside.
Anon in NYC says
Hugs. Read this: http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2016/03/14/some-babies-are-just-easier-than-others/
And then read this (a follow up): http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2016/05/02/when-parents-blame-themselves-for-that-difficult-baby/
Don’t beat yourself up. Some babies are really tough.
Anon in NYC says
My comment may have gotten eaten, so I’ll re-send without the links. Google NY Times and “difficult baby” and click on the first two links. It’s the original post and a follow up. Hugs. You are doing great. Some babies are just really tough.
TBK says
Have you asked the pediatrician about reflux? My guys had reflux (I think they were younger than 7 mo, but I’m not sure) and it was just like you describe. Constant screaming, every feeding was a battle, I was totally worn out. They got onto some meds, and it was like a storm had passed.
Maddie Ross says
Cosign the reflux meds. And for what it’s worth, my ped told me that if they weren’t needed (i.e., if the problem wasn’t reflux), they aren’t harmful or problematic at all. So it’s definitely worth at least a try. At the worst, they just won’t do anything. At the best, they will calm the beast (metaphorically speaking only).
anne-on says
Any chance he has reflux, or an allergy, or a tongue tie? My little one had a tongue tie and a few allergies, so what I thought was him fighting me on nursing was really him not being able to nurse well combined with reacting badly to things I was eating. Once we got that figured out he was a much happier child…who still hated to sleep. Some kiddos are just really tough. You’re doing great. Try to take mental breaks for yourself too!
Anon says
I agree to check with ped for reflux – take the meds if offered.
But also, commiseration. I have two kids, and I’m really struggling with my second. He’s at 18 months, which I know is a hard age. But he feels SO MUCH HARDER than his older sibling. His older sib is a pretty chill kid, and we spent this age wandering our city together. He would read books, hold my hand when we went places, and was just pretty content to hang close to me (still very true for him).
Younger kid is just not built that way. On one hand, his silly personality is a much needed break for our family, but AH he’s frustrating. He is H*ll on wheels – he won’t stay with me in public, (definitely a runner), won’t sit still AT ALL, and yet, needs to be held whenever I am doing something (dinner or the dishes – can’t sit down, though). Even dinner – he cries to be let out of his high chair, and then wants to stand on my lap, and then climb on the table. I feel trapped b/c we really don’t do anything anymore b/c it’s usually a scene.
I’m (a) trying not to compare, and (b) trying not to get frustrated with him. But it’s SO HARD. SO HARD. I just want you to know I can appreciate the combination of love/frustration, and guilt. Taking breaks helps – have a good babysitter on hand, and remember that there are phases. Turning 1 helps, and I’m telling myself that turning 2 will help as well.
Anonymous says
At least for dinner prep (and maybe even at the dinner table) have you considered a learning tower? Puts kiddo at counter height and he’s standing/can move around a little. Helps for little ones who want to be the center of the action. Give him lettuce to tear up for a salad or a tupperware with vinaigrette ingredients to shake up.
Although there are some kids who just need a border collie to take them out into the fields every morning and bring them back at lunch.
Anonymama says
Oh God for me the 18 months-2 years are the hardest, when they are so wild, and fast but have no judgment. It will get better (after the 10 thousandth time of saying sit down and eat your food! No throwing food!). I try to tell myself that it all balances out in the long run, and the kids that are difficult as babies will probably be angelic teenagers, and vice versa.
MDMom says
It will get better…At least the part with the baby will. Have you tried sleep training? If he doesn’t eat so much at night, might eat more during day. Have you had him checked out for medical issues? Is he gaining weight well? If so, don’t worry too much about forcing him to eat. If you post more about specifics of those issues, you might get some more helpful advice.
Any chance of postpartum depression? Is your partner pulling their weight? I don’t think I’ve ever dreaded seeing the baby exactly (except at 2 am) but I’ve definitely had days of burnout and days (again mostly at 2am) where I just had to let baby cry or, in one instance, ordered husband to get his @ss out of bed and take baby somewhere I couldn’t hear him because I need to get some effing sleep.
A lot of things will improve if you can figure out some way to get more sleep. The chronic sleep deprivation can really affect your patience, resiliency, everything. That’s why it usually gets better for people after the first few months.
But still, just yesterday, I was so frustrated because I feel like I am falling behind at work and at home and I have no hope of catching up in the near future that I can see. Not enough hours the day. I can’t promise that part gets better soon (my baby is almost 1 and in some ways the “balance” part is getting worse).
Sam says
I have two kids. They were both ridiculously hard, and I felt like laughing hysterically in the face of a coworker who has a baby who slept through the night from 2 months. My younger one is 15 months and does not sleep through the night still. My older one Hated the bottle and starved during the day so that I could nurse him at night- reverse cycled. I worked a demanding investment banking job at the time, and my performance was suffering, plus I was constantly anxious because he wasn’t putting on weight (*lost* weight at one point).
I thought my second would be the dream child that everyone else had but she’s just like my older one. It took me 5 years to develop the guts to have a second child after the trauma. I’m less stressed about it the second time around and just do what it takes, knowing that it’s temporary.
BUT – fast forward to now and my older child is a dream. He is SO empathetic and loving, with not a single bad sibling bone in his body. He’s still an indifferent eater but is so social and was recently in a play in school – watching him do his role (unrehearsed at home!) flawlessly, choreography and singing included, brought tears to my eyes. His mothers day card for me had a number of sweetly misspelled adjectives “sweet! preety!” and phrases “tacks care of me” that also brought tears to my eyes.
Bottom line – it gets better! And I tell myself that the harder the baby is, the greater the rewards later on are! Your little darling will be the best teenager ever!
Banker says
Off topic, but can I ask what you do now and when you left banking? I’m a former banker who moved to an equally unsustainable job and have a 1 yr old. I spend hours a day internally debating quitting my job and switching careers
OP says
Thanks everyone. He does have reflux — he’s been on meds for almost five months, and he’s at the highest dose. Supposedly it’s as controlled as we can get it. I’ve also tried a million diet modifications, which made no difference but made me feel awful. On top of that, LO has had slow weight gain, so I have terrible anxiety about him not eating. He seems to have stabilized a bit, but he’s still tiny. I’ve thought about transitioning to exclusive pumping so that at least I don’t have to deal with him screaming while he’s physically on me. But I really hate pumping. The sleep deprivation is really adding to things — but since that’s the only time he will nurse happily, I am really reluctant to phase it out.
All that to say, I kind of feel like we just have to weather through this, but I feel like an awful mom in the interim.
Anonymous says
Sending you big virtual hugs.
You are not an awful mom. You are the best mom for your baby.
Some babies are harder than others. I had 2 hard ones and am currently pregnant and tearing up reading your posts. Honestly the fear of having another one like the first 2 kept me from having a 3rd on purpose (this one’s a surprise!). I think I have PTSD from how hard the first 2 were. I was so, so, so tired from the sleep deprivation and I think that really made a huge difference in my ability to function and feel like a decent mom or even like my kids.
If you can find a way to do this – go somewhere (a neighbor’s, a family member’s, a hotel) and sleep for a solid 8 hours. For real. And do this on a regular basis. Get away from your child because otherwise you won’t be able to sleep. Sleep will help, I promise. The feeding issue is so, so hard, but I promise that with sleep everything will feel better.
Also…it gets better, so much better! My sweet ones are now 4 and 6 and I LOVE them so much and I LIKE them pretty much all the time. They are love defined, and they smother me with hugs and kisses and it is just so worth being a mom. Most of the time I don’t even remember the hard times they put me through. For me it got better once I stopped nursing (at ~2 years) and when they started sleeping more (also about 2 years). You can do this.
Sarabeth says
What meds is he on? And what does “the highest dose” mean? I remember reading a study that showed that there is a HUGE range in the dosing needed to neutralize stomach acid for some of the standard meds. Given that you know that he has reflux, I’d be suspicious that the meds aren’t working (could be dosage, could be that the meds themselves aren’t stable – some of the liquid ones become ineffective very easily, could just be that he needs a different med).
Banker says
What about switching to formula? Also, they get so so so much more fun at 8 or 9 months, even the high maintenance ones ????
Anons says
I will chime in to say that some babies are more difficult. You aren’t imagining it. Continue to look at reflux and potential allergy meds with the pediatrician. But I will share that for us, the one thing that worked and that I am so grateful we did was sleep training. It wasn’t an easy road, it didn’t work as quickly or as well as for many families, but ending the go-to-sleep battles made life better for the whole family. We did CIO, no checks. That is what worked best for our daughter. We followed Weissbluth’s methods, though I read about 10 different books before choosing that method. We started around 7 months. We had one night feeding until 9-10 months. We didn’t get good, consistent nights of sleeping through until 14-15 months. And our daughter still often awakes before 5:30am ready to start the day. But sleep training improved things on so many levels. My daughter is more cheerful. I am more patient. My husband feels that I have more time for him. A long road, but so worth it. Sleep training is such a personal thing and is different for everyone, but it saved our family and was one of the best moves we made as parents. I sometimes wonder if we did it at the right time (maybe 12 months would have been easier for all), but I’ve never regretted the decision. To me, many of my daughter’s problems started and ended with sleep. Easing that side of the equation eased so many other things. That’s my story with a difficult child.
TBK says
Right on schedule (twins recently turned two) I’m getting baby fever. Mr. TBK and I had a long chat over the weekend. In a perfect world we’d both love a third. But it comes down to bedrooms. We don’t have enough. We have one for us, one for the boys, and one for the au pair. We can’t give up the au pair (especially if we had baby #3) and we can’t afford a bigger house unless we’re willing to move further out from the city. And my commute is already close to an hour (sometimes more), and in part because of that I feel like I barely have enough time to give to household/family and to work. It’s completely reasonable to think that our income could double (or more) within the next 5 yrs. We both have jobs that, for various reasons, pay well below what we could make elsewhere, and we both intend to move to better-paying jobs down the line. But I’m 38. If I were 30, we’d just wait it out and if we had more money in a few years, we’d move to a bigger house and have another kid. But I’m not sure I want to be 40+ and having a baby. (We still have embryos from our IVF, so the age of the eggs wouldn’t necessarily be a problem. It’s more exhaustion. I already can tell I’d be less tired if I were 22 and chasing toddlers than 38.) There’s nothing for it. It’s just one of those things. If we both had our hearts absolutely set on one more, we’d just move further out, I might take a step back in my career to get a job outside the city, and we’d make it work. The truth is I don’t want a third baby badly enough right now to make the sacrifices necessary to make that work. But I wonder whether my 50 yo self will regret it. And it’s never easy to make trade-offs. I just want it all and no one can have it all and it s–cks.
pockets says
Tough love: I can’t believe you’re making the family size decision based on bedrooms. Put up a wall somewhere. Give up the dining room. Make all three share a room for the next five years until your income doubles. Billions of people (quite literally billions) have more kids than they have bedrooms.
If you’re on the fence about a third that’s fine, but don’t blame it on bedrooms.
Anon says
Yeah, I agree with this. You can reason your way for/against logistical issues (look up the blog Love Taza and she has all three of her kids in a 2 bed NYC apartment), but at the end of the day, you either want 3 kids or not. If you do, you’ll make it work. If you don’t, you’ll stick with what you’ve got now. Plus, I think you are in NoVa, and even though housing is really expensive, there are LOTS of options. Even if it meant renting for a while, you could find something else.
It is a really hard conversation to have. But, re the tired thing, you’ve already had twins, so if you end up with a singleton, you’ll be shocked at how much easier it is.
TBK says
We’ve already given up our dining room, there’s no place to put up a wall, and there is literally not room in the kids’ room to put three beds. It’s a tiny room and we barely were able to jam two cribs in there. The boys are going to be in bunk beds once they need non-crib sized beds anyway because there is literally not room for two twin beds in there (not, at least, if we also want to open the door to the room or be able to get into the closet at all).
Anonymous says
Google ikea kura bed. We are planning on all three kids in one bedroom for at least the next 5 years, and space-wise, this is how I’m going to tackle not having space for 3 beds and not having kids old enough that I really trust them with a tall bunk bed around (my one year old is a climber). FWIW, my house is also about 1400 sqft close to DC, and moving farther out isn’t an option because of commute. We want 3 kids, and we’ll make it work where we are. I grew up in a larger house, but surprisingly don’t feel cramped (yet?). Small kids really don’t take up that much space as long as you keep the stuff to a minimum and confine it to the kids’ room and a toy chest in the family room. That said, we don’t have an au pair — I think a third adult might make me feel cramped more because of lack of privacy than lack of space.
Basically, there are really good reasons to stop at 2 kids, but I don’t think a small house is one of them. I think you get used to the amount of space you have. If you let go of the expectation that everyone can spread out and never has to share a bedroom or a bathroom, and lose the value judgement that America seems to put on “having enough ___ for all the kids,” it just is what it is.
TBK says
That’s actually the exact bed we’re planning to get. Still don’t think we can fit more than the two boys in the room. And, yes, the au pair really is what makes the house feel cramped. That and the giant dog. (Okay, he’s not giant. But he’s really, really tall, and aggressively snuggly.)
SC says
Could your kids share a bedroom for a while? From your timeline, it seems like it could be pretty temporary. If you were to get pregnant today, and assuming the new baby slept with you for a few months, the twins would probably be 3 when baby moved out of your room (and really older since you’re not going to get pregnant tonight). Then in another year or two, if/when you have more money, you could gain a bedroom by moving to a bigger house, hiring a nanny instead of an au pair, or sending the twins to public school (depending on your area, I guess) and new baby to daycare.
I know most people are used to being more spread out, but there are also a lot of people who make a multiple-child-per-bedroom situation work. (And for a cute anecdote, my MIL always “complains” that she and FIL bought a big house so my husband and his sister could each have their own room, and the kids, who were about 3 and 6 at the time, always wanted to sleep in the same room.)
SC says
In response to pockets’ comment, by “most people,” I really meant most professional, upper-middle-class Westerners, i.e., the people who frequent this board. Oops.
pockets says
Yes. Thank you for putting it nicer than I did. I think a lot of people use space/money as an excuse to not have kids or to have fewer kids, when the real issue is that they’re not willing to make whatever changes would be necessary to accommodate those kids. You hinted at that in your post – you’d need to step back from your career, make less money, etc. – but you seem to want to avoid explicitly articulating that choice and instead focus on the bedroom situation.
People who want lots of kids have lots of kids and (perhaps naively) believe that it will all work out in the end.
pockets says
this was meant for Anon at 2:14
TBK says
But that’s what I was saying. If we had four bedrooms in the house we have now, we’d have one more. If all we wanted in the world was having three kids, we’d still have one more. But before we tried to have three kids, three adults, and one huge dog living in 1,400 sq ft, we’d probably try moving further out. But we don’t want to move to a cr@ppier house, with cr@ppier schools, and a cr@ppier commute. And even less than that, we don’t want six people and a big dog in a 1,400 sq ft townhouse. I realize we’re making choices. And that’s part of what makes it hard. I don’t want to have to choose. And I don’t want to say that I want my current comfort more than I want a third kid. But if I’m honest that’s really what I mean. And I just hope that when my kids are older, I don’t regret that I prioritized this level of comfort over having a bigger family.
Butter says
I appreciate that you just don’t want to have to choose. We are currently in the middle of deciding whether to stay in our expensive small city apartment and have short commutes, or move just slightly outside of the city to an expensive bigger place and have really long commutes There are many many other factors at play, but that’s what it boils down to. Honestly I don’t like either option, and wish we didn’t have to choose.
Ultimately I worry that the cost of housing and/OR the cost of commuting is going to dictate the way we live our lives if we stay in the area – whether in or out of the city. And I’m not sure I’m okay with that. Sometimes I wonder if we’ve just become conditioned to thinking that all of these trade-offs are normal, when in reality we might be just as happy if not happier living somewhere else, in a city or state with a much lower COL, shorter commute times, etc.
I don’t what the solution is yet, but it’s something I think about a lot.
anon says
It’s ok to want your current lifestyle/house/comfort/ career/ whatever more than you want another child. There are no guarantees in life and certainly none that a bigger family somehow means more happiness or people to care for you in your old age or close siblings. Your family, your choice.
-Signed, mom of one, with plenty of house and bedrooms for several more kids who really likes her dual career family and lifestyle.
pockets says
YES! It’s absolutely OK. And it’s OK to bring up your kids in whatever lifestyle you can afford to accommodate however many children you want. But don’t blame that choice on bedrooms. Be honest about it.
(sorry I am coming at you so hard. I know this is mostly my own issue, but it bugs me when people say they “can’t afford” more kids or “can’t afford” to have one parent stay home, etc. 99 times out of 100, you can afford it, you just don’t want to make the tradeoffs necessary. That’s fine! Just be honest.)
TBK says
I guess I just thought I said all that. That there were choices we could make but didn’t want to and I was frustrated that life requires choices. In my case if we had another bedroom we’d have another kid. But we’re not willing to make the sacrifices given the situation we have. I thought I said that.
Anonymous says
I would stop at two kids. I have twins but I had my oldest singleton first so there was no choice of 2 vs 3. Parenting is fundamentally different when there are more kids than adults in the family. It’s not worse and I love my life but it is very, very hard.
I can’t find the link now but there was a study that showed that moms of 3 were the most highly stressed and parents of multiples already have higher divorce rates.
TBK says
You’re probably right. At least now we can play man-to-man defense. I can’t even imagine being one of those families with multiple sets of multiples.
Anonymous says
Yep this. I know a family who decided to try for a third after twins and got another set of twins. A real possibility for you!
Anonymous says
I went to elementary school with a family that had two sets of IDENTICAL twins. I know fraternal can have somewhat of a genetic component, but seriously, identical twins twice still blows my mind.
AIMS says
Also, logistically three is just harder because most things are made for families of 4. Food delivery services, appetizer platters, hotel rooms, cars, you name it. I have a colleague with 3 kids and they have to pay extra just to stay in one hotel room when they’re travelling because a lot of hotels charge a fee for more than 2 adults and 2 kids to stay in a single room even though all the kids can sleep in one bed. Obviously, the heart wants what it wants, and if you want three, have another but it’s harder in more ways than just space.
That said, as someone having a baby in a tiny NYC apartment now, your 1400 sq. ft. townhouse sounds downright palatial. So a lot of this is just perspective.
Spirograph says
Ha, I’m pregnant with #3 and my mom (I am one of 3) commented when I talked to her on Mother’s Day that four is a better number than three for logistics. In theory, I would love 4. But I hate being pregnant, and while we could certainly afford it, the lifestyle changes it would require are too big an ask (for us).
Navy Attorney says
I want a third, but am pretty sure I have no more time and patience to spread (I’m 36). But what I DO know is that even if I had enough to spread to a third baby, it would require subtracting time from husband, and there’s already so little of that, that I’m sure the marriage would implode, and that’s definitely worse than no 3rd baby. I doubt my 50-year old self would be mad at that.
On sleeping arrangements, because it’s funny, kid #2 sleeps on the ground by choice, #1 sleeps in our bed…so we have an unused crib and an unused toddler bed in their shared room. As for bedrooms, you would either get rid of all the beds, or do a bunk bed with a trundle underneath.
Anon says
Personally, I’d go for it. It would be hard, and expensive, and force some choices that would require some changes … but who ever says, “I wish I’d never had that kid?”
My mom grew up in a two bedroom house in a six-kid family. Until puberty they all slept in the same room – on two triple-bunk beds. Dirt poor on a farm, but she describes a pretty magical childhood. I was one of four, not quite as poor but just as happy.
I’m 38, have 1 toddler your sons’ age, and I have been trying for a second for a long time. I miss the chaos of a big family, and I might not have that opportunity because I got a late start. My situation has nothing to do with yours, of course, except that I can speak from experience when I say that the ‘one more’ voice doesn’t (or at least hasn’t, for me) get quieter.
Overdue says
Can I vent to Internet strangers? I’m 40 weeks, five days and still at work and I’m a mess. My husband and midwife begged me to take Fmla now, but it’s only 12 weeks and I feel like I’m cheating my baby bc every day home is a day he’ll be in daycare at less than 3 months old. A coworker who I’ve known for years insisted on helping me last week and instead stabbed me in the back. So my boss just chewed me out. Everyone is taunting me (omg! You’re still here!! Will you be pregnant forever?!) the possibility of induction/csection is becoming more and more real and suddenly, it’s terrifying. My husband and mom keep saying that all that matters is a healthy baby, but there’s little chance they’ll be strapped down and gutted while wide awake next week. I feel so broken and lonely. For whatever reason the baby seems so abstract and far away and all I can think about is how something really, really terrible is about to happen. Oh and I have a court appearance thursday in a county 3 hours from my midwife and hospital. Boss said her hands are tied and I have to go or take Fmla. Evil coworker will be there too. Im trying to keep it together but just spend my lunch hour sobbing in my car.
pockets says
I am angry on your behalf about your court appearance. WTF. It can’t be adjourned? Your coworker can’t cover? You can’t take a sick day?
Overdue says
Can’t take it as sick bc it’ll be unplanned and I’m not entitled to any more of that (had to use some last week to avoid Fmla trigger). They rejected my request for vacation ( citing short notice) and their position is that if I can’t make the appearance, I take Fmla. I tried a work -around (using sick time) with this co worker “covering.” Well I guess she changed her mind, bc said (to my boss) that I refused to pull my weight, and now I have a lovely warning on my record. So I don’t trust anyone else.
pockets says
I cannot comprehend how someone could be so thoughtless to an 40wk+ pregnant woman. I’m really sorry you’re going through this. BTW, I would refuse to go. I wouldn’t risk being 3 hrs away from my hospital (and with unsupportive, unhelpful coworkers) if you were to suddenly go into labor.
Can you schedule your induction for Thursday? And don’t tell anyone about it until 6am Thursday morning.
Oh, and find a new job!
AIMS says
If you can’t take any more sick days, I’d go to the hospital Thursday. This sounds awful. I wish you all the luck in the world going forward.
ChiLaw says
HUGS. Does your boss give you any room to negotiate on return date? My (former) boss was a huge a-hole about all things employment-wise, but when he realized it was either “I get more than 12 weeks without losing my job” (nothing paid because this is America, ugh) or “I am not coming back at all” there was suddenly flexibility. Anyway, maybe that will give you room to think about taking some time now (I would NOT want to go to that hearing, no ma’am) without feeling like you are robbing the baby? Alternatively, can you get a doctor’s note that as a reasonable accommodation, you shouldn’t go so far away?
I wish it were as easy as my saying “don’t stress, it will all be fine” but it’s so hard, isn’t it?
Finally — screw everyone who says “all that matters is a healthy baby.” What a crappy, thoughtless way to invalidate your concerns. Of course you’re prioritizing your baby’s health, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have legitimate preferences and legitimate worries about how birth and labor will go down. Your body is very much involved in this too! As someone who was “gutted while wide awake” (and who felt like I wasted all that $$$ on my good for nothing doula, for sure), all that ultimately mattered *was* the healthy baby (and truly, seeing her strong, pink face for the first time was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever experienced, and I’m crying now just thinking about it, even though it was in the OR) … but also, I’m still in therapy about how the whole thing went down (and PPD and some other traumatic things), so I really don’t think it’s unreasonable to be scared, but I also have confidence that you can get through it.
Females are strong as hell.
Overdue says
Thank you so so much for the sympathy and hugs. I’m really sorry for my horrible insensitive phrasing of my csection fears. You are strong as heck! I am a little worried that all our natural birth prep just made me 10x more terrified of the possibility of needing medical intervention. Thank you for understanding that it’s hard to come to terms with how this may go down. It’s really hard to hear that the people who love you the most aren’t worried about you undergoing painful scary things. Anyway, internet stranger, I feel better.
Anonymous says
you are more likely to need medical intervention if you are induced. You are more likely to avoid an induction if you go into labor naturally. Stopping work, focusing on relaxing and doing other labor inducing things like lots of walk is more likely to start your labor naturally.
Samantha says
+1 to the longest walk you’ve ever taken. Walking really helped me when I was pushing 41 weeks and had the same fears as you.
Overdue says
Thank you, I’m very very aware of the slippery slope of intervention. Aware enough that I blew off an appointment today bc I was scared a sweep would turn into an amniotomy. And I walk every day.
NewMomAnon says
Hugs. You are so, so close to being done with pregnancy. Honestly, a few days at the end of your FMLA isn’t going to make a big difference to you or baby. I would make the decision to be done, take FMLA, and let yourself have a few days to relax before induction/c-section/labor whatever.
A friend told me her theory that labor will start when you finish that one last thing. For me, it was cleaning my office and getting one big file off my desk. For you, it might be finally giving into being a mom. Or getting that hearing out of the way.
MomAnon4This says
The few days of unpaid leave won’t make a difference to your bank account either (trust me, I BUDGET with so much experience collecting unemployment in our family :( and it WILL make a difference to your ease of mind. If you think the few days of unpaid leave before birth will affect your job, that is a different story, and you might be better off without this (stressful, non-accomodating) job
CLMom says
I worked until my water broke (while on a work errand) to maximize the time off with my daughter. While I don’t have any regrets working that long, I also do not think I would have regretted an extra few days less of FMLA. So, trust yourself with the decision.
Keep a hospital bag with you (including towel and pads) in case your water breaks. I wouldn’t want to be 3 hours from the hospital, however I did take approximately that long before getting to the hospital (clean up, finish up work stuff, drive home, pack bags, stop and eat, arrive at hospital).
Lastly, they don’t let you shower if your water breaks.
EB0220 says
Truth. When I was pregnant with my first, I was finishing my dissertation and dealing with some turmoil around my husband’s job. I delayed buying much baby stuff because of those things. He started his new job when I was 32 weeks. I defended at 34 weeks. Turned in the final version of my dissertation at 35 weeks. Had my shower and got all of the essentials at 36 weeks. Went into labor after friends and family had left the day after my shower. I swear I just let out a big exhale and BAM! Baby.
Anonymous says
Take FMLA now. Like do not go to work tomorrow. Do not to Court on Thursday.
Being this stressed and exhausted does not bode well for a good start for you and baby. Baby is far better off if you are rested when they arrive instead of you having a few extra days at the end of the 12 weeks.
Also, the stress of work held up my labor. My water broke 24 hours after I stopped work. I think my body finally relaxed and felt safe.
Mrs. Jones says
Ditto this. And ditto the advice to take a long walk. I’m sure that’s what jump-started my labor.
hoola hoopa says
Yes. Leave now. Do not come back tomorrow.
I’ve had three kids. I swear to you that you will appreciate the couple of days on this side of labor more than adding them on the other side. The difference between sending a 11.5 week old to daycare and a 12 week old to daycare is so minimal – so much less than the difference between staying home from now on and dragging yourself through this.
EE says
Can you take a single FMLA day on Thursday because your medical professional says you cannot travel that far, and then potentially tack the vacation day you’re not being allowed to use onto the end of your leave?
If the FMLA needs to be consecutive for some reason, I vote for having Thursday be your first day of leave. You’ll be 41w at that point. Odds are you’ll have baby in arms shortly after (if not sooner!). Better than all the stress.
Fwiw, I’m ~34wks and planning to work right up until labor to maximize my 12 weeks of maternity leave so I totally get it. My co-workers know this plan and “worry” my water will break at the office (in an “ew gross!” sort of way) but this is what the policy seems designed to incentivize. So much fun working in a male dominated field with a bunch of bros without kids of their own!
ChiLaw says
One more thought in support of checking out, at least mentally if you can’t physically (though my doc would’ve written me whatever I wanted in a note to my employer — I really do think yours will write you a “no leaving the county” note, and i think that laws against pregnancy discrimination / laws requiring such accommodations are getting beefed up around the country)… my water broke on the night after my last day of work. We went out to dinner, my husband bought me flowers, we got ice cream, and I think my body was like, “oh, oh ok, it’s time to do this now.” I hope you get some relief from the stress, and that baby comes in a relatively easy, happy way! Soon!
AEK says
I am so sorry you’re feeling so lonely and scared. I am appalled at what’s happening. You have been put in an impossibly unfair, shitty situation at work, and you are dealing with some very real, very justified fear about the impending childbirth. I don’t even know what advice I’d give you about going to court on Thursday because the fact that it’s being forced on you is so incomprehensible to me. But I’m inclined to agree that it’s time to stop working. That FMLA leave is for your health as well as the baby’s. Trade a day or two of mental/physical healthcare for yourself for a day or two of daycare later; you are approaching emergency-level anxiety and, I suspect, exhaustion. If you must go to the hearing, make that your last act, and then go home to rest & nest and let your midwife certify you for your medical leave.
I twisted myself into knots and did every possible, often painful, intervention to prevent a C-section for my breech baby, so I absolutely understand how you do not want to have a surgical birth experience and how that makes you feel like the whole experience is tainted. I won’t tell you not to feel that way, but I was able to get through my disappointment and if it happens to you, I hope you can do the same once you get some relief from the fear and stress you have right now. You can’t be giddy with anticipation under these circumstances, but please trust that the arrival of that baby will provide relief from what you’re going through. Hang in there.
When the time is right please let us know how you are.
ELL says
So sorry about this situation. If I were in your shoes, I’d take the leave starting Thursday. If I understand correctly that means the loss of “only” one week of fmla leave once baby arrives–tops. (Could a grandparent or spouse watch the baby during your first week back if you have a mental block about daycare before three months?)
Birthing is so much about being relaxed and at ease. I truly think you’d increase your chances of baby coming if you went home and pampered yourself for a day. Plus your midwife should have some resources for helping to jumpstart labor. $-x can help, for one thing. Listen to the voices of the people who care about you (your spouse and midwife).
Anon says
+1 million that the stress you’re under is going to hold up labor. Be kind to yourself. DO NOT go to that hearing and risk giving birth in a strange place with strangers. Start your leave on Thursday, whether it’s just by starting leave or by going in for an induction.
Sleeping through the night!?! says
So my breastfed 3.5 week old slept through the night last night (11:30 pm -6:45 am). Do I dance and thank Jesus or set an alarm clock tomorrow for 4/4:30 am? She’s been working up to this too: sleeping 3-3.5 hour stretches her first week, and since then, 4-4.5 and occasionally 5 hour stretches. Was shocked he did 7.25. Doesn’t seem sick.
pockets says
Honestly, I would call your doctor. It’s possible that it’s completely fine and a welcome development (although don’t get to used to it, babies are like the weather and you may have just experienced a freak 60 degree February day) but also possible that it’s not OK for baby to go that long without eating in terms of healthy weight gain.
SC says
I agree with pockets.
Maddie Ross says
Thank your lucky stars, but don’t count on it happening again. Mine started doing that around 4 weeks, so I don’t think you need to freak or set an alarm. I never did. I was firmly opposed to waking a sleeping baby – if she was going to sleep, so was I. That said, I wouldn’t count on it happening every night, but for mine it happened more often than not.
OP says
Did it impact your milk supply at all?
Maddie Ross says
I had a serious over-supply the entire time, so no, it didn’t, but I may be an outlier. My biggest issue with it was that I would wake up so engorged I ended up with mastitis 3xs.
Due in December says
Mine did the same. At 2 months or so, would do freak 10-12 hours once a week or so. As she was eating and gaining weight fine, I never called the pediatrician.
I miss those days. She’s now into the 4 month sleep regression, I think, and things are not so easy.
I didn’t have milk supply issues, but did wake up leaking.
OP says
Definitely don’t think it will happen again at 7.25. But, I was concerned about it being too long at 5 hours and was thinking 5 wouldn’t keep happening. Then 7.25 became the outlier…
Anonymous says
I had low supply issues (I took medication to increase supply and still had to supplement) and my lactation consultant told me to pump every 4 hours if baby was sleeping longer, until baby was 4 months. But I decided since I already had to supplement that just wasn’t worth it for me. I also had to wake baby to eat every 2 hours until about 8 weeks old when her weight improved from supplementing. I’m obviously an extreme case and I think regular cases follow the rule of if baby is at birth weight and no issues, don’t wake to feed. Speaking to your doctor is best.
EB0220 says
Personally I wait to contact the doctor until I have at least 3 data points…actually I wait for a bunch more but I’m a statistician.
pockets says
Oh I like this plan. I don’t think one night of sleeping through feedings is freak-out worthy but three nights and I’d raise an eyebrow.
Mrs. Jones says
My baby did that around the same age and it turns out we were just super-duper lucky in having a baby that slept a lot at night.
AIMS says
If she’s gaining weight normally, I wouldn’t wake her up. My doctor told me after baby surpassed her birth weight I could stop waking her up. FWIW, mine was similar at that point and I was very lucky. Then at 3 months she started waking up more again. Keep an eye on her but otherwise enjoy the sleep. It had no effect on my milk production but if you’re feeling too full you can always pump in the middle of the night/right before bed for relief.
CLMom says
My baby slept through the night early and well. However weight gain was generally an issue, so I had to set my alarm once a night to feed.
Now she is older (and heavier), and I’m back at work. So, I am now letting us sleep through the night. My body has acclimated, and now produces less milk overnight.
Ugh says
Ugh it happened! We’re having our son baptized next weekend and my mom offered to pay for the food for lunch after. I said “great, let’s get pizza!” She said pizza wasn’t good enough. She asked if we had any good Chinese around. I sent her the menu of the Peking duck place. She then said “oh, what if B just makes lasagna! It will be so much less expensive!” (B being my stepfather.) B is a terrific cook, but he mostly makes Italian food and my husband doesn’t like Italian. Cooking is a whole thing for him, which involves buying lots of special ingredients from lots of different stores. Then we have all these leftover ingredients taking up space in our cabinets (I usually throw most of it out, which is wasteful, but our cabinets are overfull as it is). And he occupies the kitchen in its entirety while he cooks, getting flustered and asking for things we don’t have. Then my mom complains that we don’t have this kind of pan or that kind. And then sitting down to eat is a whole ordeal. My mom is a music person and she’s offended that we don’t have a decent sound system and therefore can’t really play “nice” music while we eat. She doesn’t like the lighting in our kitchen. She wants different linens than what I’ve put out and is put out when I say that that’s all that’s clean. When my son was born, she and B came down for a week and B offered to fill our fridge. He did. With food everyone knows my husband doesn’t like. And then every evening they wanted to open a bottle of wine, light candles, put on nice music and have this whole meal. WHen my husband and I hadn’t slept at all and could barely sit up straight. We just wanted to shovel something down and maybe grab a few minutes’ rest instead of having to have a lively dinnertime conversation. I’ve told my mom “no” to the lasagne, but it’s going to be a whole thing. I love my stepfather very much, but I wish he’d keep cooking to his own kitchen! I knew, knew, knew this was going to happen the instant she offered to pay for the food. Ugh.
Maddie Ross says
As an initial matter, I’m confused as to how pizza isn’t Italian food. But putting that aside, if you wanted pizza, just reiterate that to your mom and kindly but forcefully tell her that’s what will work for this event in your home and that you’re happy to pay for it if that’s not what she had in mind.
Ugh says
I guess it’s that my husband doesn’t like pasta, and my stepdad absolutely loves making pasta. Everything with pasta.
Maddie Ross says
Gotcha. Makes sense. Same advice still stands then. Tell your mom what you want and tell her you appreciate the offer, but will handle it if she doesn’t want what you are planning. Can you put her in charge of a cake or something instead?
Ugh says
Oh no. She would insist on baking the cake. I’ve told her no lasagne. It’s just going to be a whole thing. And she’s going to make comments the whole time about how the lasgane would be better.
MomAnon4This says
You’re good. I just let my mom “win” and pretend I don’t hear her.
It took me years of practice to do this.
Sometimes I add, “I knew you’d say that!”
CHJ says
Nope nope nope. Paying for food from a restaurant saves hassle. Someone making a huge mess in your kitchen while your mother complains about your house creates hassle. You have every right to say no to the latter.
And as for the Whole Thing, I totally get you. My in-laws are like this, where they like to make a huge fuss and then they complain the entire time, as if they are put upon, but if you don’t take them up on it they complain and whine anyway. The best thing you can do is learn to tune them out. The lasagna would be better? No, it would have been really annoying, and annoying is not better. Ignore.
Anonymous says
Hah, my in laws did the same thing with dinners after my LO was born. My MIL would offer to make us dinner and would dirty multiple pans, drag out every serving dish I own, set the table, open wine and then complain that the baby cried during the meal. Like you, I wanted to shove takeout in my face and go to sleep…whyyyyyyyy
Faye says
I know I’m writing late, but just in case you’re subscribed…
I feel you on the WHOLE THING of it all. That’s my in-laws. But when my oldest turned a year, I reframed it in my head. Basically by telling my ILs no, and ignoring their complaints, I’m modelling correct behavior for my kids. Whining because you didn’t get your way does NOT mean you get your way this time or next time. I will not give in and let you have your way just to preempt whining.
When my second was born, I actually said this out loud to them. “I appreciate your offer to help, but cooking dinner at my house is too stressful to me right now. If you’d like to order a pizza, that would be fabulous, otherwise we have everything covered.” (Commerce WHOLE THING blah blah.) “You know, we are trying to teach Toddler to accept “no” gracefully. Would you mind helping us with that, and modelling a nice calm way to say okay even though you’re disappointed? Thanks!” (Shocked silence, and then a grudging okay. My DH got an earful later, but he held firm. Two more of these corrections have amazingly stopped the direct whining, at least in front of me and the kids.)