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I can’t take full credit for this post — that goes to my sister, who taught me everything I know about makeup. I didn’t really start wearing makeup until after law school, but my sister has been perfecting her look since her teen years.(She did go through a thick, dark eyeliner phase, but it was the ’90s.)
My sister is a teacher, and like many teachers, teaching online. And like many of us who have been using Zoom as a mirror for the past year, she noticed that she looked a little tired (although that could be because she has three kids, including a baby who likes attention in the wee hours of the morning).
So, she turned to Maybelline Instant Age Rewind Eraser Multi-Use Concealer, and now she looks like (though she may not feel like) she got eight blissful, uninterrupted hours of childfree sleep. I’ve been on the hunt for a new undereye concealer myself and am looking forward to trying her pick. It comes in 16 shades, plus brightener and neutralizer options. It also includes anti-aging ingredients, so it does more than cover your skin.
The concealer is on sale at Amazon (with coupon) for $7.98. It is also available at Target for $7.99 and at numerous other retailers. Instant Age Rewind Eraser Multi-Use Concealer
Sales of note for 4.18.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 50% off full-price dresses, jackets & shoes; $30 off pants & skirts; extra 50% off sale styles
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything; extra 20% off purchase
- Eloquii – 50% off select styles; 60% off swim; up to 40% off everything else
- J.Crew – Mid-Season Sale: Extra 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off spring-to-summer styles
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Spring Mid-Season Sale: Up to 50% off 100s of styles
- Nordstrom: Free 2-day shipping for a limited time (eligible items)
- Talbots – Spring Sale: 40% off + extra 15% off all markdowns; 30% off new T by Talbots
- Zappos – 29,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Up to 70% off baby items; 50% off toddler & kid deals & 40% off everything else
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off spring faves; 25% off new arrivals; up to 30% off spring
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Up to 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off kids’ spring-to-summer styles
- Old Navy – 30% off your purchase; up to 75% off clearance
- Target – Car Seat Trade-In Event (ends 4/27); BOGO 25% off select skincare products; up to 40% off indoor furniture; up to 20% off laptops & printers
See some of our latest articles on CorporetteMoms:
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Anonymous says
DC area moms- how are you doing? I personally am struggling. We live less than a mile from the capitol, and I have always loved living here, for the most part, until Wednesday. Having all those MAGA protestors in the surrounding hotels felt like being invaded by a hostile army, and I heard from friends that felt similarly out in NOVA. I’m having a hard time returning to business as usual at work, and my thoughts are just consumed by Wednesday’s events and worries of future violence. My kids thankfully are too young to understand anything but I’m sure they’re picking up on the tension.
Anon says
Of course it’s hard! Of course you’re struggling! An armed mob tried to take over the Capitol and kill the VP and Speaker. They got very very close to doing it. It’s OK not to be back to business as usual.
Anonymous says
I’m not in DC but I’m not back to business as usual either. Go easy on yourself.
AnonATL says
Also not in the DC area, but I feel so run down since Wednesday. I briefly felt better yesterday after going for a run in the sunshine, but went right back to feeling super exhausted.
I was chugging along ok until last week, but that along with covid getting into our bubble, really just broke the camel’s back.
AnonATL says
And just to head this off: to be extra safe we are getting tested this week and quarantining until we have negative results and the rest of the week which would be 10 days from last possible exposure. My run was on our suburban neighborhood street where I literally did not see another human being the entire time, and if I had, it’s very easy to cross to the other side and stay very far away.
cbackson says
TBH I am somewhat worried about mob violence in ATL on 1/17 or Inauguration Day, given that MAGAts are agitating for that on Twitter and our state is home to a bunch of these people. Related: I really hope the GA Bar has started disbarment proceedings agains McCall Calhoun (the terrorist profiled in the AJC) given that he’s admitted to invading the Capitol and to threatening Biden and others.
Anon says
i don’t live in the DC area now, but grew up there and have been inside the capitol a handful of times. It still feels so surreal to me. I honestly felt like I was watching an episode of 24 or Homeland while it was happening. I am grateful that at least they didn’t enter with guns blazing and shoot up the place, but I am so sad, angry, confused (where was the security?), shell shocked, etc. I also now live in a blue city in a red state, but this weekend while on a walk with my kids, some people still had Trump signs up at their homes. DH and I hope to buy a house this year, and now I am worried about living next to someone who supports white supremacy
TheElms says
I was very distracted Thursday and Friday after managing ok on Wednesday (in part because I had a big non-moveable deadline and I needed all the time to finish the work). I’m hoping this week is better because stuff is piling up after the end of last week. But honestly I could just use a day off. I only got a couple days away from work of the winter holiday and it wasn’t enough and we had no childcare so I was trying to do both kid duty and work stuff. I’d love a day off with childcare. It seems like such a luxury.
Anon says
Same re: work deadline. We have MLK off this Monday. Any chance you could still get childcare that day, even just a high schooler who has the day off? Depends on your COVID risk tolerance of course.
TheElms says
Unfortunately its not a day off for me or DH, but it is a day off for our nanny so I’ll be doing the childcare/work juggle with DH. Everyone in our families is high risk for COVID and we are the only support for most of them so we are extremely COVID-risk adverse; so unfortunately no high schoolers for us. Its been a huge slog, but I keep telling myself everyone will likely be vaccinated by next fall and we’ll be able to have more childcare then.
Anon says
Yes – Fairfax County is starting to vaccinate 70+, so my father in law can get it now (still waiting for my MIL and parents)!
Momofthree says
I’m in the same position as you in terms of location and mentality. Wednesday was incredibly stressful although luckily my kids are little enough they didn’t really understand what was going on. Commiseration might be the best I can offer- yes it’s really hard right now and it’s hard to focus. I find myself working asking , “how can anyone be expected to work right now?” I’m encouraged by the community we live in but last week definitely showed the bubble we’ve been in.
Part of my challenge is that supposedly something could happen any day between now and inauguration so it’s difficult to do a threat assessment. I know this option isn’t available to everyone but we’re planning on going to the suburbs for Inauguration Day to stay with my in-laws.
Counting down the days…
Anon says
That’s smart. You may want to go a day or two ahead of time since the groups will likely start arriving the 18th at the latest.
Anonymous says
My parents want us to do the same thing, but I hate the idea of ceding the city I love to white supremacists! Plus the area they live in is heavily pro Trump, so frankly I think I would feel angry and on edge there as well.
Anonymous says
Right there with you. And my kid’s daycare is near the Capitol, and was closed Tuesday and Wednesday and will likely close for inauguration week as well. I’m trying to get a bunch of things done now while I can, but I’m still on edge and tired and so, so sad for our city and country.
Pogo says
This is so scary. My thoughts are with you guys in DC.
Anonymous says
I’m not doing well. We are in DC area and my husband has been mobilized with the Guard. He works downtown for his FT job and I flipped out on Wednesday ordering him to come home (he did). But now he’s suddenly gone. I’m keeping things are normal as possible for the kids but COVID makes things more annoying as we can’t call in grandparents to help.
Cb says
Oh my goodness, this must be incredibly stressful. I’ll be thinking about you, and everyone else in DC.
Anon says
I think desperate times call for desperate measures. If you and the grandparents have been locked down and they aren’t any hire risk than any other older person and you desperately need help, I’d consider still asking or saying yes at least if they offer.
I’m so sorry you have to worry about your husband in the National Guard. Terrifying. My husband is in a branch of federal law enforcement but he said there is virtually no chance of them being sent there as they have a very specific role and don’t even perform their own arrests. He also doesn’t have a mobility waiver so shouldn’t be able to be reassigned outside of our state.
Anonymous says
Grandparents cannot come. MIL works at a hospital and risk getting fired for traveling. Parents aren’t nearby/won’t travel. We’ll be ok. I just hope things don’t get violent!
Anonymous says
Even my colleagues on the West Coast were shaken up last week, but obviously that’s different than feeling like your physical safety may be at risk or your town is being invaded. Last week was mentally and emotionally exhausting, and I have timers on my phone set to keep me from doom-scrolling. If you are the type of person who is comforted by having a plan (I am!), and especially if work is remote, can you book a vacation for MLK Day weekend through Inauguration? Last fall, we rented a farmhouse in a rural area an hour or two away and it was wonderfully relaxing, fairly inexpensive, and pandemic-safe because just brought our own cooler of groceries.
I’m in Silver Spring, which feels far enough away to not get spill-over violence, but my heart goes out to my friends and colleagues closer in. Airbnb didn’t/can’t do much to prevent extremist protesters from renting, which means they were in residential neighborhoods in addition to the concentration in hotels. My sister lives near Capitol Hill and is planning to stay with us around the Inauguration; her condo association allows short-term rentals, and she doesn’t want to stick around to see what happens.
octagon says
I was already struggling due to the pandemic but I feel like last week just killed any part of my executive function that was left. I am finding it so hard to get through basic tasks. People keep comparing it to 9/11, but what I think about is the fall of 2001 when there was not only the aftermath of 9/11, but a sniper who kept killing people randomly around the area and also anthrax being sent through the mail. Everything felt so fraught and edgy, and I feel like the combination of insurrection + pandemic is the same. Except now I have a child I’m responsible for, so I can’t just hide in bed.
Nonnymouse says
Thank you for asking this. I live in Capitol Hill and was fine in the moment but am feeling more anxious now particularly for Inauguration Day. It was surreal google translating “there is an armed mob attacking the Capitol, please make sure the kids are inside” to text our nanny. Because those are words that she doesn’t know in English and I don’t know in Spanish?! 4 year old gets sort of gets what is happening but seems comforted by the presence of helpers (thanks Mr. Rogers). I have a whole list of things to get through but I think I am going take Tuesday/Wednesday off of work and stay at home with the kiddos.
Realist says
Google Translate can help in situations like this. I had to send a text like this to my nanny to avoid the area of protest over a shooting of an unarmed Black person. “Please don’t walk baby near the area bordered by Streets X and Y today, stay within 1 block of our hotel.” This was several years ago before George Floyd. While she followed my wishes, she asked “Why would it be dangerous? This was just an accident and the police didn’t mean to shoot him, so I don’t see why people would be so upset.” So that is the day I had to explain Black Lives Matter to my nanny and why people were legitimately upset and how things easily could have turned violent on either side at a protest. I was on work travel in a metro area that I was very familiar with but that my nanny was not super familiar with. She had a pretty sheltered existence, so was caring and empathetic but pretty naive at that point.
I am angry that we currently have to factor in things like this with childcare arrangements, but in times like these it it is smart to consider your childcare provider’s background and life experience and be sure to give them information they might need to keep themselves and the kids safe. Don’t assume your nanny knows about protests and events that might need to be avoided.
Realist says
My heart is with all those in DC and near state capitols except MAGA. Stay safe and love on your family and yourself.
DLC says
I’m incredibly sad about the whole thing. I’m in Montgomery County, MD, and normally the schools take Inauguration Day off, but not this year…. I didn’t have strong feelings about it when the schedule was announced last spring, but now I am really wishing that they had kept it as a day off; taking it as a free day for me and the kids I think would have been especially therapeutic this year.
Anina says
18 months sleep regression… how do we get through this? My son has never been the best sleeper but he has been waking up every few hours for the past few weeks. I am hesitant to CIO because I keep reading that sleep regressions just pass and everything will be back to normal without intervention. Has that been true for you?
Anonymous says
Somewhere around 18-24 months (although admittedly it was more like 22 months), my kiddo got old enough that she just started requiring less sleep. We moved bedtime half an hour later, and it helped. I mention it because my kiddo is higher sleep needs than most, so some kids may reach that stage earlier.
Clementine says
The way I get through it is too much coffee and the concealer that’s in today’s post.
Sleep struggles are so hard.
Anonymous says
I never used the term sleep regression, but I found that my kids would have a week or two of bad sleep. It often coincided with new teeth, which we saw later and then realized were likely the issue.
Anon says
Same. A dose of Tylenol when my littlest wakes up usually prevents other wakings.
AnonATL says
If you have facebook, there is a group called Respectful sleep training that has a lot of good resources and responsive members if you want some advice on schedules or sleep training.
Good luck!
Zohan says
Ours was bad, and our child never went back to his old sleep habits. We had to do full-on cry it out. It took two nights and wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be. In previous regressions, he had gone back to sleeping well on his own. Not the answer you want to hear, I’m sorry. The 2.5ish one was awful for us too.
Anonymous says
Our “regressions” have always passed relatively easily after a few weeks. We had terrible sleep from 16 – 18 months that was largely related to first winter in daycare more than anything else. BUT it does seem to happen every 6 months or so. The last one we just caved and he came into our bed for a few nights in a row. Just as i was about really ready to lay down the law and sit in the hall to prevent this (obviously at 3 he can get out of his room!), it stopped.
No real advice but yes – it sucks!!
Mm says
How many hours a day do you send your kids to daycare? We are sending our one year old about 9.5 hours (7:30-5). This feels long (I feel like we barely get quality time together during the week), but we don’t have much flexibility to go less.
Anonymous says
We do 9-4:30 but that involves DH and I staggering our hours which I realize not everyone can/wants to do. He works 8-4, I work 9:30-5:30.
TheElms says
Pre-Covid we were doing 9.5-10 hours for a 6-10 month old. Sometimes the stars aligned and we could do 8-9 hours but that was only once every couple of weeks. Its definitely hard but sometimes it is what is required and it won’t be forever.
Pogo says
Pre-pandemic, we were 7:30-5:15ish. Now with reduced hours it’s more like 7:30-5, though also the pandemic got my LO into a bad habit of sleeping in and also taking forever in the mornings so I struggle to get him out of the house by 8 some days (we have to pick up by 5 vs 5:30 before).
I don’t think you can really do less and work FT (even 7:30-5:30 is a juggle for us and we were planning to add a PT nanny). When LO was a baby there was very little time with him on weekdays. Now that he’s a preschooler and still naps, we have a few hours in the evening (go up for bath at 7:30, lights out at 8:30). When he was a baby he either took a third nap from 5:30-6 and then went up for bed at 7ish; when he dropped that nap he went upstairs at 6:15 (so that’s prob where you are now).
I think you’ll start getting more evening time as LO gets older but continues to nap (anecdata among my friends but the peer pressure to nap at school/daycare is strong and most kids continue to nap there until close to age 4 which pushes weekday bedtime later).
GCA says
Kids (5 and 2) in school/ aftercare/ daycare from 7.45 to 5ish/ 5.30. There’s only one semi-useful takeaway for me from anything Laura Vanderkam has ever written, and it’s that if they’re in daycare 9.5 hours a day on weekdays, you’re with them another 120ish hours a week. Yes, they’re asleep for the vast majority of that, but this changes over the next few years, and weekends and mornings count as quality time too. Obviously not all minutes in the day are created equal in terms of your energy level and mood, but it’s helpful to reframe the idea that kids are in care for what feels like a large part of the day.
AwayEmily says
When it reopened in September, our daycare changed its hours from 8-5 to 8-4. Basically what that means is that on many days, I now work for an hour after the kids go to bed. But honestly, I kind of like it. It means that we actually get to play or go for a quick hike before the dinner prep starts. Caveat, though, I don’t have a super high-pressure job. In my ideal world daycare hours would be 8-5 but a parent would pick one kid up early twice a week so each kid got weekly one-on-one time with each parent. For example, Mondays my husband would pick the oldest up early, Tuesdays I would pick the youngest up early, Wednesdays I’d pick the oldest up early, etc. (obviously I have spent way too much time thinking about this).
Anonymous says
In a similar boat. School and daycare both changed their hours post COVID. It’s shifted my working hours 15 minutes later.
I guess my ‘normal’ is having kids in care from 7:30-4:15. This is only possible because I have basically no commute (this is intentional) and switched to a job where it’s possible to leave at 4 every day.
(Also, I didn’t get the promotion I wanted for silly technical reasons – government – so now I am going to be pretty strictly only working my scheduled hours.)
Anon says
I would enjoy the 8-4 hours too, although my boss would give me so much grief about not being able to do 4 pm meetings. Getting a kid from daycare early is easier than it sounds, at least for us. We usually keep her home for the whole day once a month or so, because it’s easier than prying her away from her friends/daycare toys early.
anon says
My kids have been home since March, but before that they were in care 7:30-5:15 (2.5+). Yeah, it’s a lot, but it’s what was required for commute + 8-hour day. It gets better when they’re older and don’t need to go to bed as soon as they get home!
Anonanonanon says
When we did daycare it varied based on meeting schedules but standard was 7:30-4:30 (my husband and I had shifted schedules so he went in later and stayed later and I went in early and tried to leave early). 7:30-5 is nothing to feel guilty about! Not sure where you live but in the DC area it’s not unusual for kids to be in 6:00-6:00 if parents live in the burbs.
Anonymous says
When my oldest was young (she started at 11 weeks), we sent her 7-6 5x/week. It was really hard. I ended up changing that to 8-5 but 5x/week was still really hard. I ended up shifting my work schedule so that I only sent her T/W/Th/F 8-6 and between Monday holidays, flex scheduling, and DH taking a few days off here and there we made that 4 day week work for two years.
Like you, I felt that there was no time at the end of the day. Instead of shaving an hour off, I tried to take that full day off.
Anon says
My almost 3 year old only goes for about 8.5 hours (8:45-5:15ish) but that’s driven by the fact that she has high sleep needs and no longer takes naps at daycare, so she has a 6:30 pm bedtime and often sleeps past 8 am. We have zero quality time with her on weekdays – it’s just get ready and go in the mornings and dinner and getting ready for bed in the evenings. I would have no qualms about leaving her at school for 9-9.5 hours if she needed less sleep or would nap at school. 10 hours might be pushing it.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Now with COVID, they’re there from 8-5, and I do both drop off and pick up (for various reasons, totally fine with this arrangement while we’re both WFH). Before, they were there around 7:30-5:30. With the pandemic, weekends, sick days and closures, I feel like I’ve spent SO MUCH time with my kids. Too much, in fact, haha, but no choice with limited childcare options.
Anonymous says
Pre pandemic we were 7:30 (ish) – 5:45. That barely covered our workdays when you factor in commute.
Anonymous says
Pre covid we had care available 7:30-5:30 and usually used it 7:45-5:15. Seemed like the most restrictive hours of anyone at my giant healthcare organization (people were always taken aback by the 7:30 opening). We needed it but honestly my kids were exhausted and one of them had behavior issues at preschool that might not have be one A THING if he hadn’t had such a long day there. I don’t know what other option we had, though. Right now we have one kid with a half day nanny and the other three partial days a week with family, and can only make it work because of WFH and my spouse’s currently basically-part time schedule. We could not have afforded a nanny for full time care. I am looking at ways to keep my early elementary kid out of aftercare next year though to just let him rest a bit (if aftercare is even a thing, if school is even a thing).
Frustrated says
Just need to vent. My 1.25yo has always been a mediocre eater. First bottles, now solids. At this point, she basically only likes pouches (probably because she misses bottles, and pouches have a similar shape) and processed snack bars. In addition, she’s started throwing her food on the floor when she doesn’t want it or is ready for a food break, and she throws her water cup on the floor whenever she is done sipping from it. She asks for bottles (we’ve caved in and give her one every night before bed, but she wants every time she is hungry), and refuses milk in a cup. It is making me f-ing nuts, with an overlay of guilt. I work a demanding job, as does my partner, and with covid, and older kids doing remote learning this year, and no housekeeper, I have zero bandwidth for this BS. I am sick of cleaning floors. I am sick of trying to find new food ideas and spending time making them only to see them immediately rejected. I am sick of stressing out about her nutrition (she is tall and healthily chubby so this is more a feelings issue than a fact-based issue). I know I should have a sense of humor about this, but I just cannot. I get mad, and it taints everything food related, meaning I am angry at our family meals and snippy with our older kids. Just happened again this morning…I tried to feed the baby first thing, she rejected all but the pouch, and from then on I was so curt with my older kids who just wanted to chitchat before school. Fwiw I also started an antidepressant during covid times and “see” a therapist. And I am functionally the sole housekeeper and cook for our family as my partner is blind to dirt and grime and would just let the house get disgusting, and he would be comfortable ordering in for every meal if he could. A separate issue, but just to say the emotional and logistical pressure is all on me for this. I know somewhere in my head this is a temporary issue but for now it feels like Groundhog Day.
Anonymous says
Ok baby steps here!
First, throwing food and sippy cup? Hi yes this is all babies. It’s super annoying but also completely normal.
Second, she likes pouches? She’s getting adequate nutrition to thrive? Awesome. She gets pouches for now. Give it a month and revisit.
Third, trash bag on the floor under the high chair. Your mental health is important.
Fourth, nope nope nope to your husband. This, to me, is the actual problem. Your kid is fine and normal! Your husband is the problem. You need a housekeeper and if you can’t successfully have a conversation about the fact that you care not at all whether he sees mess, he is an adult in the house and he must participate in keeping it clean, then book marriage therapy because this is the crisis not pouches.
No Face says
Trash bag under the floor is genius! My solution was a robot vacuum, and acceptance that the floor will always be dirty.
OP, I think you are creating problems with your kid’s eating habits as an outlet for stress. She is chubby and tall, so she is not not a mediocre eater. She is getting what she needs. If she likes pouches and bottles of milk, don’t fight it!
My 15 month old gets whatever I’m eating dumped on her tray. She eats some of it, then throws a bunch on the floor. Then she gets cut up fruit. We also use a lot of toddler convenience food (gerber, sprout). She drinks bottles of milk almost exclusively. (She will take a sip from a sippy cup and then tries to pour it out.) I do not have a problem with any of this.
I would focus on shifting your tasks to your husband or outsource if possible to reduce your stress.
Anon says
I can totally understand your stress! I let both my kids have bottles (esp at night) until they felt comfortable with other cups. Both times that was before 18 months. I know they’re supposed to stop sooner but both are fine (and off bottles at 2 and 4 haha).
Our older one was and is a bad eater (and it stick thin) but his weight tracks (at the 25th percentile) so I don’t worry about it (much).
Anon says
They make bowls and plates that suction to the table or high chair. That was our solution to the plate throwing. For the food throwing, we had a splat mat.
anne-on says
Oh man, I am SO sorry. We had (have) a picky eater and read all the books/suggestions (Satter,etc). We tried the stickers/charts/etc. and the Satter approach but in the end we wound up doing a bit of modified Satter/cold turkey. Our kid was (and is) very, very stubborn. If we caved at all, he’d remember and all the progress was gone. So we cold turkey removed bottles. We’d do milk in sippy cups, or an open cup with a straw but that was it. It was 3 days of tantrums (much like sleep training, ha) but then he knew bottles were gone and we moved on.
With food/family meals it is similar – hard line approach. Throwing food means you are removed from the table, period. Your partner will need to be fully on board with you though – he doesn’t get to cave and give her milk in a bottle to calm her down/because its easier or you’re just going to be back at square one.
Anon says
Following Feeding Littles on Instagram (and buying and following their online course, but there’s a lot just on the Instagram) has really helped me prevent me from getting worked up about my kids’ eating. Mostly I . . . just stopped caring what they ate/did not eat. No guilt.
Also, since you do the cooking, make your partner do the cleaning. Don’t let him ‘be blind’ to dirt.
Pogo says
Commiseration on parenting issues feeling huge and insurmountable right now. Mine is about potty training. I feel like I should be working on it but I just can’t. I already barely leave the house, I’m not sure I can handle hunkering down to train when he isn’t interested.
On this issue, definitely just let it go. If kiddo is healthy (no constipation or reflux or whatever) just let them eat. Keep offering. I always offer one thing I know he will eat and small portions (like literally, one little tree of broccoli) of things that are hit or miss so I don’t feel bad when he doesn’t eat it (or in your case, when she throws it).
I also have better success with him eating at daycare because of peer pressure and also he listens to his caregiver more than me. So I load him with healthier foods at lunch and I give myself permission for him to not eat dinner (realistically he always eats *something* but you know what I mean – you cook and put together a plate and they take two bites and that’s it).
Anon says
my twins are about a year older than your kid. one thing that made me stress a lot less about what my kids eat, is that i very much subscribe to the Feeding Littles philosophy of you decide what to serve, kid decides what to eat and how much. sometimes my kids only eat the fruit, other times they only eat rice and sometime they eat the whole meal. it has made me SO much less stressed. my advice would be that once you get to a bit of a better place mentally, stop the pouches and all the snack bars. your kid will eat when hungry. regarding the dirt & grime – i would say this should not only fall on you, but different people have different types of thresholds for what constitutes clean/dirty.
Anon says
+1. Exactly. It’s so hard not to stress, but what your child eats is not a reflection of you as a parent and is not your “job”. Your role is to serve her the family meal – a variety of foods including something she’ll like. Her job is to follow her body cues and eat what she feels like (which is maybe nothing). When things get thrown, end her meal.
Cb says
We did cold turkey on pouches when my son was the same age, but it was rough and we weren’t in month 10 of a global pandemic. I give you permission to give all the pouches and bottles, it won’t scar her. Keep offering a bit of food (get a mat for under the high chair) but pouch, pouch, pouch. Let her see the big kids eating proper food, she might even get jealous.
Anon says
I know this is coming from a place of privilege that not everyone can do, but I would really really encourage you to try to get a housecleaner fit in your budget. Ours only comes every three weeks and we honestly don’t do much actual cleaning-cleaning in between. I know COVID makes that hard. If that’s the issue, can you just shut off the kid’s bedrooms where they are remote learning when they are there? Temporarily relocate everyone to one room then move when the housecleaner gets there? There was a recent question here about this and it seemed like many on this board had had their cleaners back for months and months, including us, if that helps to know.
For the meals, can you assign your spouse nights he is in charge of the food? And accept that that might include take out, as long as he completely owns the end-to-end process that night?
Anonymous says
+1. Our housecleaner comes every 4 weeks and we don’t clean in between. People have told me that’s gross, but whatever.
Anonymous says
Hugs. This sounds so hard. The baby’s refusal to eat seems like an indictment of your parenting, and that makes everything else harder to bear.
I have one of these husbands, and it’s just not as easy as “hire a cleaning service” or “make him clean” or “put him in charge of dinner.” There is a fundamental conflict in values happening here. If you suggest hiring a cleaning service, he will say it’s too expensive because he doesn’t value a clean home. If you badger him to take on some of the cleaning, he will do a terrible job and then you will spend hours trying to remove built-up mildew from the shower grout. If you put him in charge of dinner, you will end up eating takeout every night, which might work for him but will make you feel tired and bloated. Etc. etc.
My solution has been to put my husband in charge of the few things that he actually does well or that I can sort of ignore. He does dishes, laundry, garbage, and the yard. He regularly breaks dishes by overloading the dishwasher, so I have learned to hand-wash sentimental items myself. The laundry and garbage come out fine. I ignore the yard and dream of the day when we will buy a house with a sprinkler system. Everything else is on me if I want it to get done. This means that I have way more to do than my husband, much of the cleaning never really gets done, and I’m totally stressed out, but my alternative is to live in abject squalor while raising feral children. When I suggested hiring a house cleaner he said we didn’t need one and should just vacuum once a month, but we should hire a lawn service. No, I am not going to pay someone to mow the lawn so you can spend even more time watching TV while I scrub bathrooms. We therefore have no hired help.
Sometimes the suggestion to DTMFA is thrown around here. It’s not that simple, especially when you have kids.
OP, since baby-feeding is what’s pushing you over the edge and it sounds like she won’t starve herself, could you delegate that to your husband and leave the room during her meals? Also, are you insisting on an open cup or 360 cup or using a sippy or straw cup? If you’re using an open or 360 cup, you could try a sippy or straw cup as an interim measure. Day care will wean her off that to an open cup when she’s 2 or so.
Anonymous says
I’m so sorry your husband is so terrible.
Anonymous says
I find it hard to believe that all of your husbands really take on an equal share of housework and child-rearing, or care about it to the same degree as you do. If they did, there would not be a huge market for books on time management for moms.
Anonymous says
Oh mine doesnt. But he’s not a jerk about it. He recognizes I do more. He’s all for a housekeeper. He makes an effort to do better.
I honestly don’t see the point of marriage to someone uninterested in being a partner. Of course it’s hard. Of course it’s not perfect. But it can be so much better than this.
Anon says
Mine doesn’t necessarily either, and that is why we have a house cleaner. It is much cheaper than a divorce would be.
Anon says
My husband does most of the child supervision but none of the physical labor, cleaning or cooking and is similarly blind to dirt and could live on takeout for every flipping meal. Part of it is he is physically not capable of doing it and some of it is lack of motivation, but he is 100% on board for us paying to get it done because it matters to me. I’m the one annoyed for paying for something that he should be able to contribute on in my perfect world, but he has value other than being a terrible houskeeper and cook. I hit my limit this weekend and we are now interviewing cleaning services to get someone in potentially even twice a week, and we’re alternating hello fresh and freshly to make food prep easier without resulting to take out all the time.
Anon says
My husband does basically no “emotional labor” (eg., worry about what our child is eating) but more than his share of the physical labor (e.g., he typically cooks dinner and loads the dishwasher). It feels pretty fair to both of us. We also outsource what we can (we have a cleaning service and get takeout food a couple times a week).
Carlita says
Shrug. My now-husband and I discussed these issues when we first dating like 15 years ago. We talked about what we expected in a partner. He does all the laundry. He changes all the sheets in the house. He runs a lot of errands. He does bath time every night (am I’m a poor substitute if he’s working late). He does many other things. I do my fair share too, and we communicate. But I didn’t marry a man-child. I married a man. YMMV. Choose your partner with care.
Anonymous says
With two working parents there is still more stuff to do than two people can easily handle especially if you have more than 2 kids. Hence all the books on time management. I’m definitely the family quarterback but DH recognizes that and does his share in other areas – we split the cooking, he does most grocery shopping and he does all dishes. I don’t think I even know how to work the dishwasher. I do half the cooking (but usually the easier meals like chicken fingers and salad, he properly cooks), I also do all kids laundry and household laundry plus travel arrangements, coordinate with cleaners/ family/teachers/dentists/doctors etc. We discuss every couple months how the split is working for each of us and shift some things around a bit.
Anon says
This comment was unnecessarily rude. I would be nice if you could give some advice or commiseration.
My husband is a big believer in comparative advantage so I frame things that way for him sometimes which helps. “Of course we can clean the tub but I could pay someone to do that and spend more time with you!” So far, he prefers time with me to time with the house cleaner :)
Anon says
If he says no to the cleaning service and won’t clean, can’t you just tell him too bad? He can’t have the final word on everything.
Anonymous says
How would you feel if your husband went and spent hundreds of dollars a month on something you’d said no to?
Anonymous says
Do you want to be miserable? If we could afford something, and my husband thought we needed it, and he really wanted it, and I was kinda meh, I’d say go for it!
This dude is a jerk. He’s not a team player he’s selfish spoiled and lucky he hasn’t been served with divorce papers.
Hire the cleaning service. Evaluate your life choices from the comfort of a clean house.
Anon says
If you truly can’t afford it that’s one thing, but if you can and he’s being cheap then I think that calls for a big relationship talk. If you’re both earning income I imagine that you both get some leeway in spending some money however you’d like. I definitely do not run every purchase past my husband and spend hundreds of dollars a month without checking with him.
Anon says
This isn’t like a husband going out and buying a new TV the wife said no to. We are not directly making his TV watching on the current system more difficult.
He is directly making her life difficult and refusing to carry his load. That makes his opinion in this specific instance a moot point. IMO.
Anonymous says
Gah. I just read The Moment of Lift by Melinda Gates, and it has a whole section on unpaid work. She makes some essential points about how women doing such a large share of household chores and childcare takes away time and energy they could put into compensated, economically visible work that would give them more power and improve their lives. Obviously this is a lot more dire for poor women, especially in developing countries, but even for financially secure Americans, it’s worth thinking of in those terms if you value your marriage being an equal partnership. Unequal unpaid work = power imbalance.
Yes, privilege, but at our HHI, outsourcing housecleaning every other week is a small price to pay to acknowledge that your wife’s time is valuable, her happiness is important to you, and her desire to live in a clean house is valid. You can’t (or at least shouldn’t) just never clean your house. It is not the same at all as spending the equivalent amount of money on something that is truly elective.
Anon says
What if your husband didn’t want you to pay for health insurance, anti-depressants, therapy, organic food, seasonal clothes, or anything else that was important to you? One person doesn’t get to inflict this on the other.
Anon says
My sister is married to someone who doesn’t believe in paying for health insurance, so she carries it for her and the kids. I see this as the same thing. The house cleaner is for you and the kids.
Anon says
If he’s that upset about it, he can clean the house himself.
My husband isn’t great at a lot of this stuff so I pay someone to do it. At first there were some grumbles and I told him he could clean the toilets or we could pay someone to but I wouldn’t be doing it and not having it done wasn’t an option. As someone said this isn’t like a new fancy purchase that someone vetoes. Having a baseline clean house is a basic human need.
Pogo says
This is what I did. He got over it. There are still some things he prefers to do himself rather than hire out but he’s coming around – with two littles and two big jobs, there just isn’t time to do everything ourselves unless we spend the whole weekend doing chores. And inevitably that turned into him doing the home project/chore while I watched the kids so, Nope. If the 3yo will “help” him with the chore (the yard, car maintenance and plumbing so far have kept his interest) then I allow it because I only have the baby. But the minute it gets back to “Husband goes off for 5 hours to do house project that could have been done during a weekday in 2 hours by a trained professional for less than $1000” I am calling up said professional myself.
anon says
ughhhh my husband is allll about DIY that ends up costing more/taking way more time/keeping him from watching the kids. He does 100% of the cooking, laundry, cleaning, and school pick-ups so this is more a frustrating quirk than a real problem, just… commiseration.
— signed, still waiting for him to finish the project that he insisted he wanted to do himself, which I could have hired done for $200, back in June of last year.
Anon says
Lol I am in the same stage. I have some reusable pouches that I can stick things like smoothies, yogurt, or soup in. For the throwing food on the floor issue, I started giving my kid silverware and he often gets distracted by figuring out how to use it. I’ve also had some luck with suctioning a bowl to his tray so he can put stuff in there when he’s done rather than throwing it on the floor. The other thing that helps is getting a cleaning service. It makes a difference.
Anon Lawyer says
To your last point, I have a 13-month-old and somehow giving her a bowl or plate on her tray made a huge difference in throwing. She loves putting food into the bowl and taking it out. Game changer. (Though I imagine she’ll get bored with it and go back to throwing eventually and I’ll have to come up with something else . . . .)
Anonymous says
Really truly, give your kid the food you want them to eat. Walk away. If they’re hungry they’ll figure it out.
For 300,000 years babies did not have pouches. Or blended food. Or spoons. If there are calories around she won’t starve.
I usually think, fruit for breakfast. (Yogurt and purees? Finger food and glass of milk?) Vegetables for lunch. Protein for dinner. Add dairy and carbs to any/all as needed. My kid would eat egg scrambles with veggies and cheese, so I almost always saved that in my pocket for dinner if I hadn’t liked the way she was eating.
Also, if you have older kids, serve 1 yo what they’re eating! (Maybe cereal in milk, but next to it. Or soup) She will be thrilled.
Your husband however, needs a chore chart.
Anonymous says
My 3 kids are all now older than yours, but my middle had the same personality. She ate pouches and plain pasta. She was NOT tall and chubby; she was 30%ile for weight and 70% for height and like 5% for BMI. I worried. My ped told me it was fine.
That kiddo is 5 now. She’s still a really selective eater but she’s not picky exactly. She likes the food she likes and has Very Strong Opinions on the food she doesn’t. We found she does best when she packs her own lunch. Yes, she had hard boiled eggs and salami and bread with butter in separate containers but she was happy and ate every bite. We have her help cook dinner and menu plan and it really has helped tremendously. We also give her the option of making herself a sandwich if she really doesn’t like what we are serving for dinner. Last night I made mac and cheese from scratch– she asked for mac and cheese but we were out of the boxed kind. She hated it! I got so frustrated because let me tell you, I had better things to do than make mac and cheese from scratch last night. But it really did taste different and she wasn’t rude about it. She made herself a salami and pastrami rollup with cucumbers and pineapple and had a side of plain bread.
Long story short, give the kid her pouches.
Anon says
I know this doesn’t solve the whole problem, but give the kid her pouches! They were my daughter’s primary food source until 18 months or so and we continued to rely on them heavily when traveling even after that. She’s almost 3 now and while I won’t say she eats everything, she’s no more picky than the average three year old. She has always been tall for her age too.
Anonymous says
This might be too late. Posting here because I’m interested in a mom perspective. If age was not a factor in fertility, would you have had children when you did? Would you have waited longer? Until when?
For context, I’m 33 and have fertility issues (went through menopause) related to an illness. I can only use an egg donor or adopt. I’m basically weighing the pros/cons of pursuing children earlier/later without the normal fertility decline concerns.
Anon for this says
I had a biological child at 30 and am in the process of adopting another child (post pregnancy complications meant no more biological children).
I’m really glad I had my kid when I did. I was in good enough shape physically and age wise that I survived my complications. I also have lots of physical energy and ability to keep up with small children. I’m also finding that the older you get, the less happy your back is to carry around 50 pounds of children.
I’ll also note that adoption takes much longer than you would think. It’s a lot of waiting. We went through a longer process of adoption, but it’s going to end up taking a little more than 4 years from when we sent the first email to the child being actually adopted. The quickest adoptions I know took about a year from email to adoption, so if you’re planning to go down the adoption road know that it might take longer.
Anon says
I had my first at 31, second at 33, and we are debating adopting a third (no more pregnancies for me either), and I am 36. I would not have waited longer. We were “young” for our social group, but not by a lot and it’s nice to have more energy and to be a bit younger when they go to college. We have good friends that had their kids 6-7 years later than us (our kids are the same age). And they are just as energetic as is though, so it is somewhat person dependent.
Anon says
We were married at 28, almost 29. Wanting two kids, our ideal was 31-32 and 33-45. I found out at 31 I had fertility issues and had DD at 33. We’re 15 months into treatments for #2 and at best (if next IVF round is successful) future child will arrive after just after I turn 37. Mostly I wanted the kids to be close in age (2 years apart, like I was with my sisters) and to be done with the baby thing before my late 30s. Fail.
Anon says
i gave birth at almost 33 and in an ideal world i would’ve had kids a bit sooner because my mom passed away shortly after my kids were born. however, due to other various life and professional circumstances the timing was just right. there is no perfect time/age bc everyone’s life circumstances are so differnet
Anon says
I had my first in my late 20s. My kids and my dad got to know each other before he died (he had been dealing with cancer since before they were born) and this means so much to me. I also get more of my life with these awesome people I birthed, and have a higher chance of being a grandparent while young and active.
My career is nowhere near where it would have been had I waited 5-10 years and I doubt it’ll recover. I’m not up for regularly working long hours and missing out on my kids and time for myself. I think I could have continued growing my career if I had been up for missing time with my kids or regularly working 8 to midnight on top of the regular work day.
anon says
I had my first child at 27 (in law school, on purpose) and now have 3; I’m 33. We wish we had started younger. Everything is easier, younger – the physical work of a baby, the sleep deprivation, living so cheap because we didn’t have any money and didn’t know any different.
We are also now starting to deal with later-life challenges of DH’s mom, who had him when she was older, and I don’t love it – on the other hand, my parents, who had kids younger, are still working/healthy/active and in touch with what it means to be a working parent to young children, and have the lifestyle in their late 50s and 60s that I’d like to have – all their kids through college, no mortgage, careers at a point where they have more autonomy and can travel, be involved grandparents, take leadership roles in their communities, etc.
So my vote is kids as young as you can. For me, “as young as I can” means stable marriage + health insurance but I appreciate that for other people “as young as I can” might have meant something else.
Momofthree says
I agree with this.
Anonymous says
THIS.
There’s some very good evidence that the earlier a woman has kids, the better it is for her career. IF you compare them to women who have the same education level.
Wish I’d been able to have kids in my 20s.
Pogo says
Same, agree with all of this.
Anon says
Yes, agree. I had my first kid at 28 (and was my OB’s youngest patient! In NYC). I think realistically I wasn’t ready sooner, but I’m feeling a bit of a crunch now. I want to be around and “young” for my kids (and potential grandkids) as long as possible. I’m pregnant with my third now at 34 and am much slower and achier…I also want at least one more, and yet still have “middle age” to travel and be with my husband/pursue a second act, so am feeling a time crunch. So yes, I’m in favor of not waiting any longer than necessary.
Anon says
It’s interesting that you say this and everybody agrees because I am so, so grateful for the years of travel, dining and fun I had before kids. I felt like I sowed my wild oats (not that wild) and am prepared to handle the drudgery of small children. But I had my first at 32 which isn’t super late in life.
Anon says
+1 I would not have been a very happy mother if I’d had kids in my 20s or early 30s. I’m sure that’s not true of everyone, but I’m so glad I waited until I felt completely ready. It depends on your job and debt situation of course, but it wasn’t until I was 30 that I had enough of both money and time for a lot of travel, fancy restaurants and theater, and I’m so glad I got at least a few years to enjoy all that (especially now with Covid and uncertainty about when that stuff will come back and what it will look like when it does).
Anonymous says
I think so much of this depends on what you do earlier in life. I went to college for a year, then dropped out and joined the military. Luckily, my deployments were short and not dangerous, and I had a low-stress job with predictable hours and plenty of time for leisure. DH and I met overseas and did a lot of Fun Stuff and Big Trips together pre-kids. Then we moved back to the US and did the DINKs in a city thing for a while, but we’re not really nightlife people. If I’d spent more of my 20s in school getting advanced degrees or working long hours, I absolutely would have wanted to wait longer to have kids so that I could enjoy myself a bit first!
Anon says
As a counterpoint, my industry (private equity/finance) is known for grind-it-out culture until you make junior partner/director level (or at least very senior associate). I could not fathom having children until I got to that level, at which point you have more autonomy over your schedule and frankly less butts-in-seats/something to prove for the sake of future upward mobility. You’ve also got a nice nest egg by then to afford a nanny and more help. I got there around 31 years old. We have a history of women having children while not quite at that level and quitting almost immediately after returning to work. So, I think the ideal age as it relates to just the job alone will vary by industry.
Anon says
We had our first at 30, a miscarriage at 33 and are still trying for a sibling at now 34. DH is 39. Caveat that our first is very high needs, but we are tired. Very, very tired. I imagine it is only going to get worse as we get even older. In my hometown, most people have kids in their mid 20s. Would we have been less stable financially, career-wise, etc.? Yes. But so much more energy. I didn’t appreciate the physical demands of parenting young children day in day out (aside from the physical demands pregnancy puts on your body) before I had one. So to that end, I would vote not waiting even if fertility isn’t an issue. Also consider what your kids are out of the house retirement will look like. I want to be in a position to enjoy those years and potentially be a still active grandparent (my FIL was already in his 80s when DD was born and isn’t able to interact the same way as my parents in their 60s) or at least a still active retiree.
AnotherAnon says
I’m an adoptive mom. I have a lot of thoughts on this, feel free to take it all with a huge grain of salt. I got married at 24: we lived in Austin (renting) and I had an admin job that paid peanuts, DH was in law school. I was terrified (and I do mean terrified) of getting pregnant. I have always wanted to be a mom, but was convinced we couldn’t afford it at that time. Fast forward to today: I’m 35, nulliparous, been TTC for seven years. Did three rounds of IUI, opted not to pursue IVF. Had a tube reconstructed and endo surgery in 2019. This is all hindsight, but I wish we had TTC immediately after getting married. It may still not have happened. I don’t know if that’s helpful, but basically tl;dr – you’re not alone. We adopted because we always wanted to, not because we’re infertile. We just thought we’d have a few kids then adopt a few, but that’s not how it’s working out. I do think having been married for seven years before becoming parents helped us align on a lot of things like housework, division of labor and discipline.
Anon says
I agree on being married a bit before kids. My husband and I had a good sense of each other when we had kids which helped with parenting. I know some people who marry and are pregnant within a year and I think that can be hard.
We were married three years before our first was born.
Anonymous says
I wanted the option of having 3 before having a “geriatric” (ugh) pregnancy, so we started early. I had my first at 29, my second at 32 and my 3rd at 34. If I only wanted two kids I’d probably have had the first at 31/32.
Anon says
I’m pregnant with #3 now at 34, but kind of excited about a future “geriatric” pregnancy because more will be covered by insurance! But by the same token, I’m sure my body will feel more run down…
Anon for this says
Twice now, I’ve started responses to this question and to the one above about the time you keep your child at daycare. In an ideal world, I would have had my child at 28 and I would also be able to finish my workday at 3 to spend endless amounts of time together with said child. But as I learned, you can make all the plans you want but you cannot plan the timing. Yes, I would have had boundless energy as a FTM at 28, but dating was really not fun in DC and I met my husband closer to 30. Fertility challenges made me a mom at 34. We’d love #2, but I can’t say it doesn’t bother me a tinge that hubby will be 40. My parents were “younger” when they had me (28/30) and his were older (36/38 maybe?); both come with their challenges. Timing aside, this is the hand we were dealt. When it comes to age/fertility/parenthood, you can really drive yourself crazy thinking about it. I know I did! If children and a family are what you want in your heart, pursue it with all you have. There’s never an ideal time, an ideal age, an ideal anything. But maybe there’s an ideal baby out there who is destined for a mom like you. I wish you so much luck.
Pogo says
This is such a thoughtful response. Your last few sentences made me tear up.
AnonATL says
I have an infant now and am relatively young (30). My husband is several years older, and we opted to have kids when we did because of his age, not mine. I know he could have kids much later, but he didn’t want to be an older parent to young children.
Some pros of having a baby young:
My health bounced back pretty quick despite a physically traumatic birth, my weight is another story but that’s just my body. I don’t have a ton of aches and pains even after hauling a 20 pound kid around all day. There isn’t a huge rush to get kid #2 going, but we will probably end up with 2 under 2. My parents are young enough to be active grandparents compared to my husband’s who are in declining health.
Some cons:
I would have enjoyed a few more big baby free trips, but covid makes that irrelevant now for a while. The biggest issue is juggling my career and the baby. I’m right at the point in my career when I am pushing for promotions and more responsibility while also trying to take care of a young child or take 3 months off to have a baby. It’s hard. I have chosen to stick around the same company I have worked for for a couple of years now until I am done having kids. I have a lot of trust and goodwill banked for those days when I’m struggling due to my mom duties.
So TLDR, I would consider where you are in your career and relationships (if you are partnered) just as important as age, even though there are plenty of benefits to having kids young.
Anon says
For me (and my husband, probably even more so), our overall ages, and the ages that we’d be when the kids grow up, were much bigger concerns then fertility in general (had kids when I was 32 and 35, now I’m just shy of 41 – he’s 3 years older). We didn’t want to be looking at retirement when they go to college. Even at our not-particularly-old ages, it sort of breaks my heart to think of how old we may be as grandparents, if our kids follow a similar path.
I had a little scare a couple months ago – when I told my husband I was going to take a test just to be sure, his first response was “We would be so old!”
Anon says
I had my first at 35, which I think was a fine age. If you know you want kids and feel you are ready (there’s no other “stuff” you want to do first like travel around the world, you have a stable home) then why wait? I think younger may have some benefits if you plan to use an egg donor. But if there is stuff you’ve always wanted to do that you wouldn’t want to do while caring for an infant, then a few years won’t matter.
Allie says
I had wanted to have two kids at 32ish and 35ish but life intervened and ended up having my first at 36 and my second at 39. I had soooo much more energy for my first than for my second, and I don’t think it is just that a second is more tiring. I’m very very grateful to have my kids but all things being equal I’d want to complete the sleepless infant stage by 37ish.
Anon says
I will note the on the long view side, my aunt had her two kids at 37 and 39. She is the fittest and most active of her sisters (there are four of them) now that they’re all in the 60s. I think have young kids when she was older kept her active longer.
Anon says
+1 I think personality is also a huge factor. My parents are almost 10 years older than my in-laws but way more active and involved with my family. My parents are moving to our area soon and will be doing a ton of childcare while still working part-time (remotely), even though they’re late 60s/early 70s, whereas my 60 year old in-laws are just vegging out at a retirement home in Florida. I realize this likely won’t hold true forever (very few people are active at 85) but there may not be a ton of difference between 50s and 60s or 60s and 70s if the older people are more interested in being involved and keep themselves young through things like work, exercise and spending time with young kids.
Anonymous says
33, and I wish I’d had kiddo earlier. I hate that my parents (mom in particular) seem pretty old as far as helping out. Being an active, helpful grandparent is my primary motivation for exercising and eating healthy. I want to be able to keep up with grandkids for as long as possible. My mom was also a SAHM, and I wish we’d had more years when my dad was still working and my mom had nothing better to do than come hang out with us. Now he is retired, and they’re all over the place.
I’m bitter about the lack of grandparent help. Can you tell?
Anon says
I had my kids in my mid-to-late-30s. For us, I look back at that as being ideal because we REALLY lived it up in our 20s and early 30s (constant travelling and concerts and parties and whatnot) in a way that I just don’t see us doing to the same degree on the “back end” after having kids, even if that back end would have started earlier if we had started earlier.
But that’s obviously individual preference and there are many factors that could have come up that could have made that choice the wrong one (but didn’t).
Anonymous says
This is an interesting question, and I think it depends a lot on your personality and life goals. I’m 37 and my kids were born when I was 29, 31, and 33, respectively. I don’t think I would change anything, but it’s probably important to note that DH and I dodged a lot of Millennial bullets and were debt-free, on track with our careers, and financially secure in our mid-20s. I’m kind of a homebody anyway and felt like I’d lived my best 20-something life and was ready to take on parenthood without regrets. I’m not terribly motivated by career advancement, and I don’t feel like having kids stunted my career growth.
Thoughts:
– It’s hard to parse how much the kids contribute to exhaustion and how much is strictly age, but I certainly don’t have *more* energy than I did when my first was born.
– I’m anticipating being an empty nester in my 50s, when I should have the physical and financial ability to enjoy it to the fullest.
– My mom was in her late 50s when my first child was born, and my in-laws are about 10 years older. My mom’s relationship with my family is much more what I’d like to have as a grandparent (obviously there are no guarantees in life, but I can dream) than what I see with my in-laws, who just don’t have the physical stamina to keep up with my kids. Part of that is them as individuals, but age is certainly a factor.
Anon says
I had my first and likely only child at 32, almost 33. It felt like the right time then and still does now. I actually didn’t conceive when I did out of fertility concerns (y family has kids late and easily), but it just felt like it was time. Being 30+ was nice in that we’d proven ourselves at work and had plenty of money, but I also wouldn’t have wanted to have kids much later because I didn’t want to be raising kids well into my 50s, and most women in my area have kids very young and I didn’t want to be closer in age to the grandmas than the moms. I know it’s kind of an arbitrary marker but I like that I will become an empty-nester right around the time I turn 50. I do wish my kid had more time with my parents because the relationship is one of mutual adoration (they were 66 and 68 when my daughter was born) but ultimately I feel like you shouldn’t make major life decisions based on other people and I’m happy that I had kids at a time that was right for me, not my parents.
Fwiw, I don’t have a comparison, but my pregnancy and postpartum period was physically incredibly easy at almost 33. I worked in Big Law from 25-30 and found the sleep deprivation and physical exhaustion of a newborn completely NBD compared to that, even though I was older. I think a second child is often more exhausting because you have a toddler or preschooler underfoot, not because you’re older.
Anon says
Also adding that I think there’s a decent chance I would have had a second if I’d had my first younger. I was never someone who saw myself juggling two kids under 2 or even 3 and by the time #1 was 3, I was 36 and felt like the ship had kind of sailed on starting all over again. But even knowing that, I don’t have any regrets about starting when I did. Getting financially settled and having plenty of time to enjoy our DINK years to the fullest (so much luxury travel) has made me a better, happier mom and I would rather be a happy mom to one than an unhappy mom to two.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I’m very lucky in that I had both my pregnancies when I was “ready” and when we were trying – first at just before my 30th birthday and second at age 32. I spent my 20s in school and then getting my first law job, so I can’t imagine having to do law school now with two small kids. I’m so exhausted. But on the other hand, I do see the benefits of having kids in your 20s – you have way more energy, less life “expectations” (i.e. you have no money? whatever, it’s fine, kids can play with whatever, you don’t need the big fancy house, etc.), and then you can be a young grandparent. My parents were in their mid to late 20s with me and had very little money when I was little, but now they’re in great shape, my mom was able to start a second career in her 30s when I was already old enough to be out of the little kid stage, and they can also be actively involved with their grandkids.
Do I wish for a few more kid-free, school-free years with my spouse? Maybe, but at the same time, little kids are exhausting and don’t care that you’re 39 and have a set life, they’ll jump on in so I just wanted get started with the kids lifestyle before I got too comfortable childfree. I’m looking forward to spending my 40s out of the little kid stage, but of course everyone’s circumstances are different.
Anon4this says
I had number 1 at 36 and now at 38 we are hoping to have a second. DH is 4 years older than me to the extent it matters. If we had been ready sooner, I would have started sooner. It is physically really exhausting looking after a baby / toddler. And while I’m more senior and have a bit more control over my schedule I also have significant responsibility so ultimately it falls on me to make stuff happen at work. I think it would have been easier when I was earlier in my career, but it would also have probably taken longer for me to advance, especially if I had 2 kids rather than just 1. Also both DH and I are facing significant elder care issues that are only likely to get more challenging. Its so hard to look after young kinds and parents.
Anonymous says
Thank you for your thoughtful responses! I probably should have added one other piece of context – my fertility was wrecked by cancer treatment, and I’m now 18 months in remission and cleared to TTC. While I know pregnancy doesn’t get easier on your body with age, my body has recently been through something brutal and I feel it – I’m more tired, physically weaker despite exercise,, etc. I do continue to feel better over time, which makes me wonder if I should wait. I’ve been married for a few years and my career is in a good place.
Anon says
I would encourage you to wait since you’re still healing. I think a lot of the comments about older pregnancies being harder aren’t separating out age from whether you have other young children at home who depend on you. A second or third pregnancy will always be harder than a first because you have so many more responsibilities. When it’s your first you can nap whenever you’re tired (especially in these WFH days) and have your partner take care of you, instead of taking care of your other kids. A lot of the comments here feel almost ageist to me. 40 may be old as far as fertility is concerned, but 40 year olds are still objectively young people and their bodies generally function just fine. We’re not talking about 70 year olds giving birth here.
Anonymous says
Yes to your point about first vs subsequent kids, but I don’t think anyone is being ageist. None of us is getting any younger, and the best we can do is take care of our bodies and hope to age gracefully. My childless friends and coworkers who are ~40 commiserate with me just as hard as my parent friends that our bodies just aren’t up to the tasks they were in our 20s. It’s an objective fact that, on average, a pregnancy and caring for the resulting child is going to be physically easier at 25 than it is at 35. A 35 year old might have a lot of other advantages to compensate, like more money for help, more seniority/flexibility in her job, and more overall stability/security in her finances and relationship, but that’s not the same thing. Everyone has to balance it for herself the best she can.
Anon Lawyer says
There’s also emotional factors I think people discount. Of course some people are self actualized and ready to be great parents in their 20s but others (me!) are a lot more stable and patient now that we’ve had time to get therapy, deal with our issues, etc.
Anonanonanon says
Congratulations on being in remission!!! You handled that so, honestly, you’d be going into pregnancy with great perspective. If you got through that, you can get through anything for 9 months. (whether you want to, obviously, is up to you!)
AwayEmily says
I had my first at 35, second at 37. I have no regrets — I worked long hours in my late 20s/early 30s to get to a comfortable point in my career (in academia what happens early on in your career matters a lot in terms of placement and income), and because of that I’ve been able to dial my work way back while my kids are little without any major career consequences or stress. I’m planning to ramp it back up again next year when they are both fully out of the toddler stage. And I believe what everyone says about pregnancy being harder later in life but it’s not universal — if anything my second pregnancy/newborn stage was easier than my first, despite my “advanced” age.
Anonanonanon says
I had my first at 22 (I know, I know. story for another time) and obviously don’t recommend that young! I had my second with my now-husband when I was 30. I was diagnosed with a chronic autoimmune condition in the interim. 30 was A LOT tougher than 22 physically. (22 was obviously miserable emotionally, financially, etc) with that in mind, if you’re pursuing the egg donor route/pregnancy, I’d say do it ASAP.
Having had two vastly different experiences, I’d say the timing should be based on where your relationship is if you’re doing this with a spouse/partner. Is either one of you looking to pursue a big promotion or big change or otherwise in a position to need to “lean in” professionally in the next year or two? Are you in a good place with splitting responsibility yet being flexible when one person needs more support from time to time? Can you afford to throw money at some things to get through the newborn stage in one piece, and would delaying make a significant difference in your ability to do so? Are you anticipating needing to take on elder care in the future? etc.
cbackson says
I just had my first at 39. I would have started just a bit sooner in an ideal world so I wouldn’t feel like if I want another one, I need to start right away. And I do with my parents were going to have a greater opportunity to know my child or children – they’re 75 now (they were also older parents) so it’s unlikely they’ll be around and an active part in his life by the time he’s 10. But I wouldn’t have started that much earlier, because I really enjoyed my career-focused, travel-happy 30s a lot and I feel like I’m in a better place now to be a mom because I got to do all the things I really wanted to do for myself before having my son.
I had a very easy pregnancy and recovery from pregnancy and I don’t think a few years would have made a lot of difference for me in terms of energy, but I was also in very good shape when I got pregnant which may have helped.
Anon Lawyer says
Yeah, I had my first at 36. It took me a year to conceive and in an ideal world, I might have started a little earlier and conceived a bit quicker and had my first at 34. But I’m not unhappy with how things worked out. I had an easy pregnancy and an easy recovery from a c-section and my energy levels are fine now. I was generally heathly but by no means an athlete or anything like that. And (mentioned this above), but for me personally, I am a happier, more patient person than I was in my 20s and I think my parenting reflects that.
I am probably one-and-done but I suspect I would have been if I had had kids earlier too, so I guess I’m not the best person to weigh in on that aspect of things.
antibody test? says
WWYD? Our preschooler had a positive COVID test a month ago. We isolated her and all quarantined and luckily everyone remained asymptomatic, thank goodness. Now we’re decided to send her back to daycare, or not. It was a pretty traumatic experience even though we’re lucky. We’re inclined to do an antibody test and send her back if she has them. But, we’re getting conflicting info on whether the blood draw is too painful for little kids or not. Any info? Thoughts?
Anon says
I would send mine back without an antibody test, but I will say that my one year old had a blood draw for another reason and it ended up being no big deal.
anon says
This. I can’t imagine the antibody test being any different from a normal blood draw.
Anonymous says
What would the point be? She had covid. She’s vanishingly unlikely to get it again.
Anon says
If she had Covid she’s almost certainly immune for at least the next 6 months or so (and there is encouraging evidence that it could be much longer). The evidence that she got it without infecting you is also really encouraging, since it means your isolation/hygiene protocols worked! I would personally send her back without an antibody test. Even if her antibody test is negative, that might just mean she had a Covid false positive PCR test, and I don’t understand why that would be a reason to not send her to school?
My daughter had to have an intraveneous blood draw as a 1 year old and it was unbelievably traumatic – we had to go to three different labs because multiple people couldn’t do it, and they finally accomplished it in a hospital NICU where a team of three nurses strapped her down to a gurney while she screamed hysterically for 45 minutes. She has had a major fear of doctors/nurses/etc ever since. It would presumably (hopefully!!) be less traumatic for a 3 or 4 year old who can better still still, but at least for very young kids it’s a much bigger deal than a shot or a finger prick.
Anon says
I think you’re safe to send her back. I am sure it was terrifying but she’s very unlikely to get it again.
For the blood draw, it depends. One of my kids cries and is over it. The other has to be pinned down because he’s afraid of needles.
Mrs. Jones says
I’d send her back without an antibody test.
Anonanonanon says
I’d send back without the antibody test. You know your kid had COVID and it seems like she didn’t get too sick from it. You know your isolation precautions worked (great job, btw!)
What’s your option if you don’t send her? I’m going to tell you right now it’s all bad options. Our nanny experience in the pandemic has been fraught with COVID scares etc. despite everyone’s truly responsible efforts (for example, our current nanny lives with her sister who nannies for a family where the mom is a healthcare worker. We work in a healthcare environment ourselves) Whereas the in-home daycare I pulled my kid out of because there were no precautions in place (like… letting parents walk in an hang out for extended periods of time unmasked) has had zero issues. Without a crystal ball there is no way to know.
Anon says
If you are pregnant and fall into a priority group that allows you to be vaccinated now, do you do it or not? Essential worker, work in an office environment.
Anonymous says
Yes I’d get it immediately. My friends husband is a pediatrician in NY. You don’t need to hear many stories of moms being intubated in labor and nearly dying of covid to realize the risk is not the vaccine it’s actually getting covid.
Anon says
Most of my pregnant doctor/nurse friends got it. They have more exposure to Covid than the average office worker, but I would probably get it in your shoes.
Realist says
Yes, this is what I am seeing. They saw the risks of getting sick versus the vaccine and my doctor friends are all choosing the risks of the vaccine over the risks of Covid.
Anonymous says
Every single one of my pregnant healthcare worker friends has gotten it. I would get it if it were available to me.
Anon says
I am not essential and able to keep covid exposure low (toddler is at home, full time WFH, weekly grocery delivery), and even I would think about it. Because I still have to see doctors and dentist and go out into the world from time to time. Talk to your OB about it.
Anon says
Yes, 100% without question. FWIW, I’m at MGH in Boston for fertility treatments and they sent an email to all of us encouraging currently pregnant, thinking about being pregnant and currently breastfeeding patients to get it. The caveated saying it should be a joint/personal decision with your specific doctoer, but no remote wavering on should you / shouldn’t you based on pregnancy.
Katala says
These answers are surprising to me. I was under the impression the vaccines weren’t approved for pregnant women. I saw my state is including pregnancy as a factor that puts you in the next group up, so I guess I could try to get one. But I’m VERY reluctant to be in a guinea pig group that wasn’t part of the initial trials.
Anon says
I would only get one if I had high Covid exposure risk. Most people who are getting vaccines now are doctors or nurses or other frontline essential workers, and they have to weigh the vaccine risk against the very real Covid risk. If I was WFH and could reduce my Covid risk to near zero by cutting out optional stuff, I would not get the vaccine while pregnant, since I would not want to be a guinea pig either and some common side effects like fever can be dangerous in pregnancy. Breastfeeding I would have zero concerns about getting the vaccine though, it’s not a live virus so there’s no way it could affect a newborn through breastmilk.
I’m jealous you’re in a state that is vaccinating people who fall in higher risk categories! I’m not pregnant but have two underlying health conditions, but my state has said they will be vaccinating the elderly and frontline workers through May, so June would be the earliest I and other young people with underlying conditions could get it. (Not trying to say this is unfair, the elderly should definitely go first as age is the single biggest risk factor, but I am sooooo eager to get my hands on that vaccine!!!)
Katala says
Yeah, if I were high exposure risk I’m sure I’d think hard about it. As it is, we’re in a hotspot (has been all along because people don’t take it seriously) but I’m WFH at least until after mat leave. Our 4 year old is in daycare and older brother is doing virtual school. We could be lowering risk by cutting out daycare, and we might have to do that eventually, but the extra stress that causes is not great for pregnancy either.
My state is theoretically vaccinating people with high risk conditions, but apparently it’s nearly impossible to actually get your hands on a vaccine, even if you’re in the first group which they’ve now overlayed with this second group. So I’m not sure it’s really better than states that actually have a distribution plan!
Anonanonanon says
I would have to know way more about your exposure risks at your office environment to say what I would do in your shoes. But, I know multiple pregnant healthcare workers who got it without hesitation.
Anon says
Thanks everyone, I appreciate all your responses.
Anonymous says
Depends on the group. My pregnant friend (kid #3) is a physician in a hospital. She doesn’t see COVID patients specifically but she did contract COVID in April at work. Got got the vax.
anon says
I say yes. And all of my pregnant doctors friends received theirs as well. I just read an article today by a pregnant OB-GYN who explained her reasons for getting the vaccine. Obviously no one can say for sure, but based on the science available it stands to reason that the vaccine who also offer protection to the fetus and the idea of protecting my newborn baby in that way would seal the deal for me. I’m pregnant and so wish that I could get the vaccine. I’ll post the link to the article.
anon says
And here is the article I mentioned: https://www.thelily.com/as-a-pregnant-obgyn-im-acutely-aware-of-covid-19s-risks-thats-why-im-taking-the-vaccine/?=.
Leakproof Cup says
Does this exist? My 2 year old has been wanting water in the middle of the night, so we put his Munchkin stainless 360 cup in with him last night. Big mistake as it leaked everywhere and turned into a whole 2am thing (fun times.) Any ideas for what I can give him that will not easily spill?
Anonymous says
Thermos Funtainer straw cup.
Anonymous says
+1
Anon says
These are my favorite for that exact reason.
https://www.amazon.com/Contigo-AUTOSEAL-Trekker-Bottles-Amethyst/dp/B00MVODNCU
Anonymous says
Nalgene grip and gulp.
When to share pregnancy at the firm says
Looking to crowd source some info about when you told your employer you were pregnant, particularly if working from home during the pandemic. I work at a mid-sized law firm that will be professional and is “family friendly” and flexible, so it is not going to be a difficult conversation, so I am more trying to figure out the norm here. That being said, since barely anyone sees me except from the chest up with everything remote, I will have some flexibility on when to tell since I can endure morning sickness privately at home and won’t be sporting the tell-tale bump in front of anyone at the office any time soon. Any thoughts?
SC says
I would tell around 20 weeks, so after the 20 week anatomy scan. That leaves you and them plenty of time to transition files.
Anonymous says
Yup, I would do after the 20 week anatomy scan since you’re WFH. I told at 16 weeks which was definitely kind of weird since I was very obviously pregnant at that point, but I really wanted to wait until I had my 14 week appointment and then my boss was traveling for a bit and I wanted to tell him in person.
TheElms says
After the 20 week anatomy scan. That’s people I work with have done during the pandemic, but it was also pretty common pre-pandemic.
Katala says
I told a couple people right after my 14 week appointment and another partner just before 16 weeks (didn’t want to call him up special to say something over the holidays). But, it’s my third kid, second while at this firm, and I just felt like I wanted to. If it were my first I might wait longer but who knows. Congratulations!