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The Nordstrom Winter Clearance Sale is on, and there is a surprising number of maternity and nursing things in the sale — lots of nice deals! (You can see my roundup of workwear in the sale here.). I like this chic swing dress for maternity — nice high neckline and long sleeves, and a work-appropriate length. The dress was $105, now marked to $73 (33% off!). Imanimo Maternity Swing Dress
(L-3)
Sales of note for 9.10.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Extra 40% off sale styles
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- Zappos – 26,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Birthday sale, 40-50% off & extra 20% off select styles
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off all baby; up to 40% off all Halloween
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Extra 30% off sale styles
- Old Navy – 40% off everything
- Target – BOGO 25% off select haircare, up to 25% off floor care items; up to 30% off indoor furniture up to 20% off TVs
See some of our latest articles on CorporetteMoms:
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- The concept of “backup care” is so stupid…
- I need tips on managing employees in BigLaw who have to leave for daycare pickup…
- I’m thinking of leaning out to spend more time with my family – how can I find the perfect job for that?
- I’m now a SAHM and my husband needs to step up…
- How can I change my thinking to better recognize some of my husband’s contributions as important, like organizing the shed?
- What are your tips to having a good weekend with kids, especially with little kids? Do you have a set routine or plan?
Membrane Stripping says
Anyone have any experience/insight on membrane stripping? My OB has proposed doing it at 40 weeks + 3 days if I haven’t delivered yet (I am just over 39 weeks). She wants to schedule me for a Pitocin induction at 41 weeks + 2 days if I don’t go into labor naturally, so she proposed the membrane stripping to avoid that. I tried to research it and, while I couldn’t find any statistics on it, what I could find seems to suggest that it is pretty ineffective.
MomAnon4This says
Yeah, don’t do it. I heard it’s more painful.
Why not wait until 42 weeks for inducing?
Are you very uncomfortable or high-risk?
What’s the “rush” — for perspective, I was due Sunday after Thanksgiving, my doctor thought about membrane-stripping on Monday or Tuesday before Thanksgiving to deliver before the holiday. She didn’t because it seemed like I wasn’t dilating? I think? Can’t remember. Anyway, I went into labor Thanksgiving night and delivered Black Friday, so only 3 days “early”.
I’ve had a c-section, I’m not opposed to healthy, data-driven interventions, but I’d try not to rush things as much as possible Do you have a birth plan?
Membrane Stripping says
I am leaning toward skipping the membrane stripping, but will probably agree to the Pitocin induction. My OB will not wait until after 42 weeks to induce and I hit 42 weeks on a Sunday (not an option to induce on a weekend), so she advised scheduling the induction for shortly after 41 weeks. Literally no woman in my family has ever gone more than a day or two past their due date, so I have genetics on my side.
Anon in NYC says
I had it done twice and it did nothing for me. I went into labor at 41 weeks + 1 day. My friend had it done and went into labor that evening. It is pretty uncomfortable, but not really painful.
In response to MomAnon4This’s point about waiting to induce until 42 weeks, my doctor said that she likes to induce women before they hit 42 weeks because in her experience babies who are 42 weeks do not do as well during labor and need the NICU more often than babies in the 39-41 weeks range. She said it has to do with them being larger and the placenta not really being able to support them as effectively. Of course, this is completely anecdotal and specific to her experience, but I wanted to mention an alternative rationale for inducing before hitting 42 weeks. She would have induced me at 41 weeks + 2 days if I had not gone into labor on my own (of course, if I had wanted to wait until 42 weeks she would have waited).
MomAnon4This says
Thanks, I’ll count ob-gyne experience as valid and helpful! I appreciate it, thank you!
Meg Murry says
My doctor also recommended scheduling an induction for just over 41 weeks, and his explanation was that since it was considered medically necessary but not an emergency at that point, it could be bumped back a few days if necessary. And, in fact, I did get a call telling me that they were full with emergency inductions and that I would be bumped back 24 hours due to not being an emergency. Plus I was also told that if someone else was a higher risk (emergency c-section) and I was being induced at week 42 the doctor would highly recommend I not wait (although he couldn’t force me) but that I’d probably have to be delivered by the house doctor.
Although a good friend pointed out to her doctor that there is very little medical evidence one way or another about women going to or past 42 weeks recently – because almost everyone has goes into labor naturally or winds up with a doctor recommended induction before then. So is there really a risk at 42 weeks? The literature she found from Europe tended to point to it not being much of one, but in the end it was moot because she went into labor just before 42 weeks. Her point also was that since she tracked her cycles and they were very long – so for her personally, “42 weeks since last menstral period” was probably 1-2 weeks longer than the average woman, so her baby was actually closer to 40 weeks.
Both of my kids were induced at 41 weeks, and although I mentally wanted to wait, I had been already out of work for a few weeks and I was eating into my FMLA/PTO, at at that point I was SO DONE being pregnant
Membrane Stripping says
Thanks for the perspective. Your OB’s opinion is consistent with what I have read on the issue, which is why I majorly pushed not to be induced before 41 weeks, but am pretty “meh” about actually going a full 42 weeks. My family has a history of fairly large babies, as well, so I’m not willing to roll the dice on going a full 42 weeks.
Anonymous says
If you want to try to start labour yourself – walk, walk, walk – gravity is your friend. I accidently sent myself into labour at 38 weeks by going from no exercise to walking 4km my first day of maternity leave. Goodbye two weeks off before my due date to prep the nursery!
Anonymous says
I found it incredibly painful, and it did nothing for me. I still ended up being induced with cervadil and pitocin. The second time around, I passed on it, and was induced again (pitocin only this time). I imagine your pain tolerance would depend on how painful cervical checks are for you. I also found those very painful.
Totally up to you to decide. Its your pregnancy. I was very happy with both of my inductions, but you do you.
Anonymous says
I did it and while it wasn’t excruciating, it wasn’t fun. I wouldn’t do it again. I had t done around 40+5 but baby didn’t come until 41+2 (and a bit).
W/r/t induction, remember that you can say no. Or if you feel pressured, you can just no-show. If there are good reasons for inducing then by all means do so…but am with #1, my OB started pushing induction at 41 weeks. My entire family is full of late babies. I was healthy. My siblings and I were 12, 14, and 11 days late! My uncle was almost 3 weeks (!!) late. She finally told me she was scheduling me for an induction at 41+3 because they didn’t do them over the weekend and I’d be 42 weeks on a Monday. I told DH I wasn’t going to go and we’d talk about it again the next week. My water broke the night before my induction :-).
Fwiw, I was dilated to at least 5 by then. My labor was painful (well, initially- it came on hard and fast! But I got the epi) but VERY fast. I pushed for <15 min.
Tunnel says
I had it done about a week before my due date because I wasn’t dilated at all and was concerned about going over my due date because I had a large baby in me (9lbs) and a history of big babies in my family. I found it to be incredibly painful – in tears painful. And at the end the doctor said that she didn’t think it would be successful because I was squirming too much and told her to stop before I guess she completely finished? I think I would have been able to handle it better if I had known about the level of painfulness going in, but it had been described as “merely “uncomfortable to me. Anyway, I had a show the following day and my water broke two days after the membrane strip. Maybe it was because of the membrane strip, or maybe it was just the baby coming 4 days before his due date.
HSAL says
I had mine stripped at 39 & 3, but I was already in early labor and the doctor suggested that it could speed things along. I did it, and it hurt like a bitca (hope you watch Buffy). Had the baby the next day, but who knows if it actually changed anything. If I was overdue I’d choose it over induction.
anne-on says
Ha, at least your OBGyn gave you a heads up! Mine did it without mentioning what the heck she was doing (I thought it was just a particularly painful cervical exam). I went into labor the next day and didn’t realize I’d had my membranes stripped until the doctor on call from my practice mentioned off-hand after looking at my chart that it must have worked! Needless to say, I was happy she was not the person delivering my baby…
NewMomAnon says
My OB did the same thing, and I was so angry! She did it and then told me after the fact (and yes, it was unexpectedly painful). I still don’t know why she did it; I was at 39 weeks at the time and experiencing regular contractions with dilation already starting, so not in danger of being overdue. If she had asked, I would have told her to wait until 41 weeks.
For me, the OB stripped the membranes on a Monday. I went into serious labor that Thursday night and had the baby Friday evening with no additional induction assistance. I have no idea if the membrane stripping helped, but since I was already “in labor” when it was done, I suspect it didn’t do much. Still makes me angry just thinking about it though….grr.
Pogo says
Oof, this is good to know! I really don’t mind painful procedures if someone tells me it’s painful beforehand. But I would be really ticked off if the OB just did it without telling me what was happening!
ANON says
This strikes me as borderline malpractice. In NY at least, it appears to violate the principles of informed consent for medical procedures. If this had been my OB-GYN I would have been finding a new one immediately at the very least.
NewMomAnon says
It’s a practice that has 13 OBs, and it was check up toward the end of pregnancy with one of the OBs in the practice who wasn’t my “regular” doc (because of scheduling issues). I would never go back to her and I was so relieved that she wasn’t the one on call when I went into the hospital.
EB0220 says
I had my membranes stripped with my second. Not sure if it did anything, but I didn’t find it that painful. I think the risks are low enough that it’s worth a try, and the pain has to be less than pitocin contractions (from what I hear). I would also be interested in the choice of 41+2 to induce…seems pretty random. I’d try to wait until 42 weeks, personally, as that’s the standard.
Anonymous says
If you’re trying to avoid an induction, consider acupuncture. It helped trigger labor for me. My ob said there was some clinical evidence supporting that it worked too.
MDMom says
My midwife did it at 40 + 2 and I went into labor that night. She did it “gently” and honestly I could barely feel it at all. Definitely didn’t hurt. Felt like any other cervical check just took a bit longer. She said my cervix was “very favorable” though so who knows maybe I would have gone into labor anyway. She said basically it might help get things moving if conditions are already favorable but it wont make a difference at all if your body isn’t ready.
I think it’s worth a shot before a medical induction. Maybe you can put it back further- to 40 + 5 or 6? I believe if its going to do anything it will do it within 24-48 hrs.
Also odds are good you will not make it to 40 + 5 anyway so hopefully will all be moot.
Anonymous says
I had it done on Monday morning one day after my due date. Went into labour that night. It was uncomfortable but very quick and I don’t really see a downside. As far as intervention goes I think it’s as low risk as you can go, and why not try before you have to be induced? My baby ended up being 9 lbs 6 oz and was born 2 days overdue so I am definitely have delivered when I did!
Two Cents says
I would avoid Pitocin induction if you can. I had that done and ended up with a c-section (don’t know the statistics but you are much more likely to need a c-section if you get artificially induced). If you haven’t gone into labor naturally, try acupuncture. I know a woman who was a 41 weeks, had acupuncture and went into labor 3 hours later.
JEB says
I had it done at 38.5 weeks, and it didn’t do anything. It hurt like h*ll and caused a fair amount of bleeding, which led to a lot of unnecessary anxiety on my part. Ultimately, I had to be induced on my due date (due to low fluid).
TBK says
Random question: is getting your toddler into Mandarin lessons a thing everywhere, or is it just a DC thing? Because it is such a *thing* here. We were thinking of having the kids learn Spanish eventually, since that seemed like the most practical second language. I still think that makes the most sense, but I wonder a little whether there’s anything to the whole Mandarin thing beyond it being a somewhat difficult language and the thing that everyone’s doing (so having your kid take Mandarin is a class signal the way French lessons were 50 years ago).
anne-on says
I’m in a very wealthy Northeast suburb, and no, I cannot say that its a thing here. I mean, sure, its offered for older kids (preschool), but no, not a universal push. Honestly, I’d say Spanish and/or German seem like the most practical second languages. My son’s school will start with spanish and then add a second language when they’re a bit older – 5th grade.
YMMV – but I’ve found Spanish very helpful personally, and I wish I knew more German as it seems the ‘default’ business language in Europe behind English.
Pogo says
+1 to German.
I actually never use my Spanish in business OR in life, since no one ever tries to talk to me in Spanish. I did learn some French as an adult which I found very useful, as the French do not like to speak English and it was useful for travelling in France on business.
I deal with German all the time (documents, emails, German clients, German vendors….). I don’t understand it at all, despite the fact that the sentence structure is supposed to be the same as English. I wish I had learned some German.
No one has ever tried to speak Mandarin to me. Like Spanish, I think most people’s second language in China tends to be English, so if they know you’re American, they’ll try English first. French and German people will just start talking to me in French or German and wait for me protest that I don’t understand.
Anon says
Medium-sized city in the Midwest (so very different than DC), but I do not know anyone who puts their kids in Mandarin lessons. I don’t even think it is offered in my city, or if it is, it would be very difficult to find. It is very common for daycares/preschools to teach Spanish (maybe dabble in French), but any other foreign language for toddlers would be highly unusual in my area.
Meg Murry says
It’s only starting to become a *thing* in my area, in that I’ve seen the lessons posted on message boards. But the only parents I know personally that have actually signed their kids up are Chinese, and it seems to be similar to how Jewish kids in my area go to Hebrew School, Chinese kids go to Chinese/Mandarin school (but more of a school age thing than a toddler thing). It also is a social thing from what I understand – parents drop their kids off for class, and then the parents hang out and socialize.
From what I understand from my friend that is Chinese, it is a huge deal that she still works outside the home now that she has kids (many of her friends do not) and “teaching Manadarin classes” is a socially acceptable way to work outside the home, socialize and bring in a little money. And I know lots of SAHM that are signing their kids up for any and all classes for the same reason – they just don’t want to be at home with their kids all day, every day.
Schools in our area are now offering Mandarin instead of (or in addition to) French and Spanish.
It might also be a *thing* in DC because I know of two friends that are in the military or intelligence agencies where knowing Mandarin and/or Arabic can get you important posts (for instance, studying threats from Chinese hackers, as one friend is doing).
Nope says
Not a thing where I am. Midsize East Coast city with lots of colleges/government/healthcare jobs.
What is a thing around here: baby signing and baby wearing. toddler gymnastics and music classes. Toddler music class is free at the local library.
I’ll admit that the idea of a toddler going to a structured Mandarin class actually makes me shake my head a bit… Blah blah blah global economy, blah blah blah expanding the brain and all, but I also don’t think it’s healthy for kids to have parents who are constantly stressed out.
I’ve been pleasantly surprised that most of my parent friends have a very relaxed attitude towards many things, including signing kids up for too many classes, and our daycare is all about unstructured play. We do swim lessons and the grandparents take kid to music class at the library, but other than that, I practice speaking French to the kid and work on the basic rules of being a human and accept that if my kid is fed, loved, and sheltered they’re going to probably be just fine.
TBK says
It’s both formal lessons but also Mandarin immersion preschool. It’s such a thing here that the local Barnes & Noble has a Mandarin section in the kids’ books (and not because we have an especially large Chinese population — we actually have a fairly small Chinese population in this area). Also the public schools offer Mandarin in addition to Spanish, French, and German. I haven’t seen as much Arabic, not by a long shot (even though in my area especially we have a huge Arab population). Maybe the thought is that Mandarin is equally useful in intel and business? No clue but it’s kind of crazy how into Mandarin lessons people are.
Anonymous says
Hmmm…if you’re in Boston, I second this. But my 2 year old daughter and I go to library music classes and I have her enrolled in gymnastics class (it’s right next door to her daycare and they have a thing).
We did swim lessons last winter and soccer this fall just to get it of the house on weekends :-)
EB0220 says
Hah – I snorted. Nope, not a thing here. My area is very diverse and highly educated…not sure if that makes a difference.
PregLawyer says
It’s a thing in the Northwest. My daycare center starts Mandarin pretty early.
RDC says
Wait, that’s a thing here? I had no idea … Just speculating, but I think the benefit of Chinese over French or Spanish is that it has totally different sounds / pronunciations that are easier to learn at a very young age (and very hard to learn later if you don’t learn when you). But unless you’re really committed (eg go straight into an immersion elementary school or speak Chinese at home) it doesn’t seem like kids would retain much/any of what they learn in toddler classes.
Anonymous says
I think Mandarin may be EASIER to teach little kids. I know a 13 year old who was taking Mandarin lessons and there’s apparently no tense or gender.
NewMomAnon says
Do you speak Mandarin? I ask because our daycare did such a good job teaching my kiddo sign language that she will sometimes tell me a whole story in sign language, and I understand almost none of it. So….embark in toddler foreign language classes at your own risk.
Large Midwestern city – I haven’t seen toddler foreign language classes here. There is a whole subculture of daytime toddler classes aimed at the SAHM and nanny set though. As others have noted, I think it’s less about “developing your toddler’s skills” and more about “letting the little monsters destroy someone else’s space while adults socialize.” And if I was a SAHM, I would consider that worth doing even if it purported to teach my toddler neurosurgery.
RDC says
After barely surviving a 3-day weekend, I agree wholeheartedly with your last sentence.
Anonymous says
Right? I think you said you’re in DC, too, so you were also housebound with ice and snow just like we were. I now appreciate just how much tidying up my au pair does at the end of each day to make it look like a light tropical storm hit the living room instead of a full scale Cat 5 hurricane.
Yep says
I’m in SF, we have a sizable Chinese population, and it’s definitely a Thing (Spanish and French, too). Definitely skewed toward wealthy white parents, though not exclusively. We have both preschools and public and private K-8.
Wow says
Oh yes, it’s very much a thing in my Northeast city. One of my closest friends, who does not speak any Chinese, has placed both of her kids in a full immersion Mandarin daycare because she thinks China is the wave of the future and that her kids will have a leg up amongst their peers if they know Mandarin. Also, as mentioned, Mandarin is a very difficult language and children are sponges, so exposure at a young age is very beneficial.
I think there is tremendous benefit to a child knowing a second language. Whether that is Mandarin or not remains to be seen but I certainly don’t see any harm to it.
HSAL says
Weird timing, NPR has an article today about how NYC first responders are learning Mandarin. So yeah, definitely a thing, I guess.
Atlanta says
Yes – I know 2 parents (not esp. wealthy, but highly educated) who send their kids to preschool & charter public school that is Mandarin Immersion! So, half-English all day, half-Mandarin.
Though I think Spanish would be more useful, my local public school has a German Immersion program that starts in K.
Happy New Year!
Help me sleep! says
Sleep advice please. My 4 month old is still waking 3-4 times a night to nurse. I nurse her to sleep from 7:30-8:10, and then she often wakes at 11/12, 2, 4, 5:30 (sometimes she is up for the day then), and 6:30. I know the 5:30 and 6:30 feeds don’t really count. It is that she is doing BOTH 2am AND 4am that is slowly killing me. Some nights she will skip the 11pm, and just do 3 and 5:30, which I can live with, but I am back to work and the all night nursing is so tiring. I moved her out of our room, and am going to try some cereal this week, but I know that may not work. She will not take formula, but I am considering trying mixed bottles.
A while back, I tried doing a dream feed at 10pm, but this somehow seemed to disrupt her sleep even more. And we have tried to push back bedtime, but she is very sleepy at 7:30, and even though she wakes, she goes right back after nursing. If my husband goes in to her, she screams bloody murder and we are afraid of waking my toddler so I just always end up nursing her.
Any advice? I’m worried it is my milk supply (i.e. I just have more during the night and she is hungry) and I tried talking more milk plus but it upset both my and the little one’s tummies.
EB0220 says
It could be a million things, but I doubt it’s your milk supply. Has this been happening for a while? Any recent changes (started rolling, stopped swaddling, etc.)?
Anonymous says
How long has it been like this? If it’s a growth spurt, you may have a rough week or two and then it will settle again. Sometimes when they have a bit of a growth spurt, they are not getting as much milk as they want so they nurse more often. When your supply catches up, she may nurse fewer sessions because she is getting more per session. If you’re nursing sitting up, maybe try doing compressions while she’s nursing so that she gets more milk.
Just as an option, can you co-sleep so that you can get some rest while she is nursing?
If she’s looking for mommy time – maybe try nursing her as soon as you get home from work, or even when you leave daycare and then again at home. I would then put her in a carrier and wear her for the evening (even during dinner) so that she gets the physical contact she may be craving. That might be the other issue at night vs. just hunger.
anon says
My only advice is to start putting her down “drowsy but awake” (or even just plain awake if your baby is like ours and doesn’t really “do’ drowsy) rather than nursing her down. Anecdotally, we started this just before 4 months with our son and within a week he cut down on his night time wakeups, possibly because he now knew how to put himself to sleep. Or possibly unrelated, who knows. At that time, we moved from diaper/sleep sack –> book –> nurse to diaper/sleep sack –> nurse –> book.
same anon says
ALso, what does she do if you don’t feed her every time? Does she talk/fuss and settle, or cry? At some point our baby started waking up every day at 6 but doesn’t actually want or need anything then – he talks a bit and goes back to sleep. This was later than 4 months, but around then he sometimes started waking but not needing anything.
Clementine says
So my caveat is that my kid wakes up once to nurse during the night and I absolutely do not claim to be any type of an expert in getting your kid to sleep, but I have learned quite a bit about production.
It sounds like your kid is reverse cycling, where nighttime is eating time. If you’re worried about your milk supply, the best thing you can do is nurse and/or pump more. If i were in your shoes, I’d do a power pump where I pumped on and off for an hour after baby has nursed. I’ve had success with 5 on, 5 off but other people encourage 20 on, 10 off, 10 on, 10 off, 10 on. Do this for three days- it simulates cluster feeding and tells your body it needs to make more milk. Don’t worry if no/little milk is coming out- it’s driving demand which is what you want.
As a great LC told me: you can do small things to increase supply- drink extra water, eat flaxseeds/oats/brewers’ yeast, take supplements, etc. but the #1 thing to remember is that production is driven by demand. If you increase demand, your supply will generally also increase.
If you really want to know how much baby is taking in, you can rent a scale (or buy one on Amazon) and weigh the kid before and after to prove your hypothesis, but I don’t think that’s really necessary and would probably just cause more stress.
Another low-effort suggestion: When our kid came home from the NICU, one nurse suggested we try and expose him to sunlight during the day to help set his internal clock a bit. We just put his swing in a sunny spot in our kitchen and have him sit there. It really did seem to help him delineate day from night. He eats at 11/3/6, which means basically one wakeup for me (which I am fine with)
NewMomAnon says
So, this is a do as I say, not as I do thing – but my ped recommended modified sleep training starting at 4 months and I should have done it. I waited until a year and was so sleep deprived that it totally mucked up my job performance and general functioning.
I’ve also heard pediatricians recommend that the “kitchen” (i.e, your shirt and all formula) close at a certain time and not reopen until morning. Most pediatricians will recommend that Dad handle all night wakings during the time the “kitchen is closed” (I think Kat talked about this in a post once). Unless your kiddo has growth issues, she can go 6-8 hours at night without nursing. She is nursing to fall back asleep because that is the only way she knows how to fall asleep, not because she is hungry; it will be a hard few days while she learns a new way to fall asleep, but she can totally do it.
Good luck. Keep posting here for encouragement; the commenters here got me through the tough nights of sleep training my kiddo, and it’s been life changing.
mascot says
I’d try again on the dream feed if you haven’t done it in a while. We had a lot of success with it around that age. Our routine looked something like- keep the nursery room dark and quiet, feed on one side/give half the bottle, change diaper if necessary, finish the feed, put baby back down. We did ours around 10-11pm and it stopped that middle of the night feed.
PregLawyer says
Try a pacifier! I would take the struggle of weaning off a pacifier at 18 months (or whatever) over endless sleepless nights for months and months. We started offering the pacifier pretty early in lieu of night feedings, and now it’s the BEST THING EVER.
HSAL says
We’re no-sleep twins I guess. I nursed my four-month old to sleep for 25 minutes at roughly 7:30, she took a 4 ounce bottle from Dad at 10:30, and according to my app, she woke up to eat at 1:30, 3:15, and 5:30. But I’ve posted before that my kid is having some weight gain issues, so I’m just dealing with it – I’m choosing getting plenty of milk in her over my sleep for now. Sounds like that’s not your issue, but good luck. My ultimate “goal” is just cutting out that 1:30/2 meal – I’d love to just do 3 and 6 or something along those lines. I’ve heard the “drowsy but awake” advice a lot, and I’m fairly certain a sadist invented it.
anon says
Anon from above who gave the drowsy but awake advice — I think it just depends on the kid so it might be worth a try. Ours shockingly preferred to be left alone to fall asleep, it turned out, once we tried — but I know from friends/younger siblings that not all babies are that way!
Anon in NYC says
We did cry it out at roughly 3.5 months because I was returning to work. My daughter was fortunately a good sleeper and would go to bed easily, was only waking one time per night to nurse, and had slept through the night without waking a handful of times prior to sleep training, so we felt that we were emotionally ready to do it.
Our pediatrician advocates doing CIO as early as 8 weeks, which we did not feel comfortable with, and recommends doing it before the baby is 6 months old because that is apparently the age at which they start forming habits. She also recommended just doing it cold turkey, not having dad go in and soothe her, etc. Putting her in the crib at night and not going in until the following morning. The brutal truth is that the first night was horrible. Horrible. She woke up and cried twice, really hard, for about an hour each time. You can’t sleep, your spouse can’t sleep, and you just lay there and watch the monitor. The second night was much easier for us. She woke up and cried for about 15 minutes. The third night she slept through the night. Some babies take a little longer though.
CIO worked really well for us, but I know it’s not for everyone. I don’t think there is an easy way to move from 2 feedings to 1 (at least that is what our doctor said), and of course, if you’re concerned about growth, check with your doctor first.
Anonymous says
Your doctor is wrong. Babies move from two feedings to one when they are ready and that includes psychologically ready. CIO ‘works’ for the same reason that you see developing countries with orphanages of babies just lying there – they don’t bother crying because they know no one is coming.
mascot says
Pretty sure that sleep training in a method that works best for your kid isn’t the same as abandoning them in an orphanage. I had a pretty good sleeper like Anon in NYC and we figured out that our child did better fussing it out alone than with us interfering and overstimulating him by trying to calm him down. Not every kid is wired that way, but for some it works. We all learned when his cries meant something was wrong and he needed us.
Anonymous says
no one said CIO was the same as abandoning them in an orphanage – see “for the same reason” above. Babies stop crying because their brains are overloaded with cortisol from the stress. They shut down. CIO isn’t abuse but I’m tired of people pretending it has no consequences. No one seems to CIO when kids can talk and beg for their parents – just because they are pre-verbal doesn’t mean they need their parents less than an 4 year old who is crying and is able to articulate why.
Anonymous says
http://evolutionaryparenting.com/proving-the-harm-in-early-sleep-training/
which summarizes:
Douglas PS, Hill PS. Behavioral sleep interventions in the first six months of life do not improve outcomes for mothers or infants: a systematic review. J Dev Behav Pediatr 2013; 34: 497-507
pockets says
I’d think that 95% of the time, my 2 year old does not need me when she’s crying for me. She may want me, and having me there might make her happier, but that is not need.
Sarabeth says
That’s not the study the cortisol research is coming from; in fact, it’s not an original study at all, but a literature review (which doesn’t include the cortisol research). The cortisol studies do not support the claims being made in this thread. The levels of cortisol measure during sleep training are higher than average, but within the realm of normal variation. In other words, they suggest that sleep training is stressful for a baby, but not that it is anything comparable to being abandoned in a poorly run orphanage.
Anonymous says
You are a bad person. Go away.
Anonymous says
I’m a proponent of CIO but your post was painful to read. I can’t believe your doctor told you that CIO was appropriate as early as 8 weeks. That just seems like abuse. And 3.5 months is so, so early. Dr. Ferber, Dr. Weissbluth and the other sleep experts don’t recommend CIO until 6 months, I believe. We did it at 9 months and it was hard. Can’t imagine doing it at 3.5 months. I’m glad it worked for you but I hope there aren’t other pregnant mothers reading this who follow in your footsteps.
Differing opinions says
Ugh – I agree. At that age, they still need to eat at night. 8 weeks is so, so young.
pockets says
Actually, a very prominent pediatrician’s office in NYC (Tribeca Pediatrics) recommends CIO at 8 weeks. There was even a NY Times article about it. I hope other mothers aren’t reading this and feeling shamed because they followed the advice of their medically trained doctors.
Anonymous says
No pediatric association in the United States, Canada, Australia or anywhere in Europe recommends starting CIO at 8 weeks. A pediatrian in Brooklyn who gets himself in the NY times and wrote a book trying to be the next Ferber does not counterweight the joint position of public health officials, lactation consultants and the pediatric associations in every developed country. No one should leave an eight week old alone for 12 hours without responding to their cries – that is what he recommends – it is wrong.
Anonymous says
Let’s think about what level of CIO we are talking about. Let the baby cry for 2-4 minutes until then roll over and fall back asleep because they woke up and usually use nursing as a crutch to settle back down is VERY different than letting them wail for an hour at 4 months old because they are hungry!!
Anon in NYC says
I appreciate the different opinions. As I mentioned in my original post, my daughter had already been sleeping through the night on occasion prior to sleep training, so we knew she was capable of it and didn’t need to eat at night (again, per the pediatrician). Her growth had been really good (and still is), so there were no concerns about physical development. My daughter is a very happy child, so I don’t think we’ve done any lasting psychological harm to her but I guess only time will tell. And of course, we still check on her throughout the evening / go in and soothe her as needed. It’s just not a nightly thing anymore.
I certainly don’t intend to sound cavalier or callous about sleep training because it was hard, but I do not think that monitored sleeping training at 3.5 months is tantamount to abandoning her. My daughter happened to be on the edge of sleeping through the night and we, in our view, helped her figure out how to do so. I’m also not advocating that other women sleep train their child at 8 weeks, or 3.5 months, or any particular age. As cliche as it sounds, every baby is different and ready at different times and what worked for me will not necessarily work for anyone else, but I wanted to offer my experience as one possible avenue to consider.
Anon says
just wanted to say that i also did CIO at close to 4 months (but not quite) b/c I was going back to work. Our issue was not the middle of the night wakings but the fact that it started to take 30-60 min of rocking to get our daughter to go to sleep each night. I did cold turkey CIO – she cried for an hour the first night and then 30 min the second night, and then maybe 2-10 min the next couple of nights, but was going down by herself after a week. It has been an amazing change and well worth the pain of that first week. She is a totally happy, healthy baby – i have seen no negative repercussions from her having to CIO. My sister also did CIO with her daughter and she is also a very happy and healthy 4 year old. This whole idea of CIO leading to babies feeling abandoned and whatnot is a bit ridiculous…
Anonymous says
yes – those developmental psychologists with their ridiculous facts in ridiculous peer reviewed academic journals
pockets says
yeah, and with their amazing ability to intuit whether a baby feels abandoned.
Anonymous says
yes pockets your comment clearly demonstrates how you have thoughtfully read and considered the article cited above vs rushing to judgment based preconceived notions about what it will say
Anon from above says
I’m just saying that my personal experience with CIO, and that of my sister, was great. Both our children as very healthy and happy and seemingly have no psychological repercussions from CIO at 4 months old and i have absolutely no regrets about doing it (although yes, it was so very hard while we were going through it). It’s not like I enjoyed the experience! But so worth it to have a happy, well-rested baby. Who knows, 10 years down the line maybe their repressed feelings of abandonment will suddenly appear, but i highly doubt it.
anon for this says
My mom had to CIO with me when I was tiny because my older brother was very ill and required constant care (he later passed away). I had no behavior issues as a child, was very high achieving, etc. She still talks about how painful it was for HER though, to hear me crying and not be able to go to me. She said it took a few days for me to put myself to sleep and then I didn’t cry, maybe because I felt like a baby in an orphanage, who knows lol.
I honestly think I have more psychological issues from the times of my life I could remember/understand the abandonment (when I had to stay with relatives while he was in the hospital, etc) than when I was a little infant alone in my crib. Point being CIO was the least of my abandonment issues…
Meg Murry says
I know you said she won’t take formula, but have you tried again recently? Could you try sending dad in with formula to the 2 am feeding and see if she will take it from him? Or if dad can calm her down with rocking and cuddling?
She may be a little young for this advice, but is she really, truly awake when you go nurse her? Or are you jumping out of bed as soon as she makes a peep to feed her so that she doesn’t get more wound up and/or so she doesn’t wake your partner? Not advocating a full CIO, but one night I just *couldn’t* deal so I laid in bed and stared at the clock and said to myself “if he’s still crying in 5 minutes I’ll go feed him” and to my surprise he was settled back down and asleep again in 3. That made me realize that I was still following the advice from the LC to feed them as soon as they started to fuss, which is good advice for a newborn but not totally necessary for an older baby – and that it was entirely possible that my son had just been fussing in his sleep some of those times I got up to feed him.
Other thoughts worth considering:
-white noise machine in case something is waking him (or to keep you from hearing every little fuss and squeak)
-do you need to go up to the next sized diapers?
-is the baby’s room and/or pjs too hot or too cold?
OP says
Thanks everyone. You all give really good advice. Some responses: She hates the paci, we use white noise, I just upped her diapers, and I’m not ready to do CIO yet. I’m not anti-that, but she hasn’t doubled her birth weight yet and our doctor hasn’t given me the go-ahead. I trust her advice (but I have no criticism of what anyone else does). I think I’m going to transition to my husband doing a bottle at 10pm, and then trying to soothe her and/or make her wait a bit rather than immediately nursing her for the remaining wake ups. She gets very angry if my husband goes in for the wakeups. Also, to be honest, I am not ready to give up on nursing her to sleep. I truly love it. I know short term I’m probably hurting myself, but I know she won’t sleep like this forever,
NewMomAnon says
That sounds like a good plan. And if you love nursing to sleep enough to keep doing it, rock on (I felt the same way for a long time). Sounds like you’re doing a great job.
regression says
Not sure if you already covered this but if this is a recent change, give it a few weeks. The 4 month sleep regression was very real for my son, who went from waking 1x/night to 3x/night. It just about killed me (yes, I’m weak). And then all of a sudden, he slept through the night (12 hours straight!) 3 nights in a row, and then went back to waking up 1x/night. The only thing we did differently was moving from sleeping in the same room as him to sleeping in a different room (we were living in a 1 bedroom apartment at the time). I have no idea if that had any impact. Hope things improve for you soon!
MDMom says
Some thoughts in addition to above: start establishing a bedtime routine now even if you still nurse to sleep. Later you can nurse, then read books, then rock to sleep. Then nurse, read books, put down awake. Baby will know it’s time to sleep and it helps transition to putting down awake.
Second, don’t go in immediately. Let baby fuss for 5-10 min to see if she can settle down before you go in.
Finally, tackle night feedings one at a time. Gradually limit feedings ( easy with bottle but can do with nursing by limiting time). My baby dropped 11 pm feeding on his own using this and 2 am also but sickness tends to bring that one back. If you end up crying it out for the 11 pm or 2am wake-up after this, it’s easier because you know baby isn’t really that hungry (because they ve only been nursing for 2-3 min anyway).
overnight diapers says
I had a very, very similar sleeper, and took the same approach as you. Months 3 through 6 were pretty much as you describe, but he eventually dropped that 10/11 feeding on his own. Around 9 months, when it seemed like he really struggled to be able to sleep (and honestly, I started to lose my patience with what were becoming prolonged night wakings), I did the sleep lady shuffle with great success after only a few days. I’m not anti-CIO, per se, but I couldn’t do the “close the door” approach. Also, my guy was a “tension increaser” – check out a recent article on AlphaMom, so I don’t know if it would have been successful.
He’s now older, and is a great sleeper. He also still loves to be snuggled before bed. We rock and read books, and have a very sweet, peaceful bedtime routine. Keep trusting your gut, and just wanted to offer a look down the road from a similar sleeper.
OP says
Thanks, this is great to hear.
Meg Murry says
If you are desperate, you could also consider whether bed sharing would result in better or worse sleep for you. I was originally not a fan of the idea, but then I started bringing baby to my bed to nurse while I dozed (because at least I was lying down with my eyes closed and just had to pull up my shirt to nurse again instead of physically getting out of bed, walking to baby’s room and being terrified I was going to doze off and drop the baby mid-nursing session.
That worked for me for about 3-9 months, until it STOPPED working because baby wanted to nurse all night as long as I was there but would sleep mostly through the night when I wasn’t.
Sorry if that wasn’t helpful, but I just wanted to throw in a vote for “do whatever works for you right now so you can get some sleep, and when that stops working for you or for the baby try something else, and ignore what the haters say”
OP says
Sadly this makes it worse. She wants to nurse all night if I am there. And I don’t get great sleep with her in the bed.
Meg Murry says
Totally understandable – that’s why we stopped cosleeping at 9 months – because I was no longer getting quality sleep. Just wanted to put that out there as an option. When were were at out lowest in the “nobody in this house is sleeping” game, there were some nights when we wound up with baby in our bed with Dad and I would sleep on the couch or with the 4 year old, because we were just going for “gah, whatever we all just need to sleep and that doesn’t happen if baby is alone, and it doesn’t happen if baby is within smelling distance of mommy and daddy does physical labor that can be dangerous when sleep deprived so whatever, here goes nothing”. I know that doesn’t really help, but I jsut wanted to let you know you’ll get past this eventually, even if its not in an ideal manner.
Good luck and I hope you get past this soon!
Anonymous says
It may be a little late, but go buy Bringing Up Bebe and read the chapter on how French babies sleep. In it there is a set of recommendations from several American sleep studies, including not feeding after midnight. Make sure your baby is actually a awake before you pick them up. (My daughter cries as she moves between sleep cycles, but she doesn’t actually wake up.) Notice how your baby moves between sleep cycles (30 or 40 minutes) and see what helps them.
Don’t interrupt naps! Cancel baby classes if you need to. Try to have naps at home in the crib and don’t nurse to sleep at nap time.
My three-month old daughter sleep trained herself, but we’re fighting over naps now that her daycare set-up has changed (she’s gone from approx. 2 hour nap in the morning to 1 hour nap if I’m lucky). And she’s nursing three times in the the three hours before bed, so it’s not like we’ve got a perfect set-up, but I keep reminding myself to watch for signs of drowsiness and letting her self-soothe.
Anons says
I love Bringing Up Bebe and highly recommend it, but most French babies are formula-fed. I do think formula versus breast plays into the nighttime feeding schedule. Nothing wrong with formula fed, but it is very normal for breastfed babies to need to eat at night up to 9-12 months old. Even Dr. Weissbluth (the hardcore CIO guy that recommends shutting the door and not checking on the baby at all) notes in his sleep book that 1-2 feedings a night is very common for breastfed babies up to 9 months.
Anonymous says
Anonymous you replied to.
My daughter is exclusively breast fed and started sleeping through the night at 2 months, with no training , just like the book said. But she does eat more and more as the day goes on (4 hours, 4 hours, 3 hours, 2 hours, 1 hour between feedings). And of course I nurse on demand if she seems to need it, but that’s our basic schedule.
Anons says
Sorry if I am late to this, but OP, I had a very similar sleeper.
First, you are in the worst of the 4-month sleep regression. You will likely see an improvement (maybe not massive improvement, but improvement) around 5.5 months after your baby’s due date. If you want to see a pretty good estimate on this, download the Wonder Weeks app and watch out for when this particular “stormy” period will end for your baby. Incidentally, the end of this regression is a good time to start doing some sleep training if you want to.
Second, around this time I started nudging my baby to only 2 night feedings. She could nurse as long as she wanted around 10pm and 4am (approximate). The other feedings, I cut out 1 minute at a time so that she would get used to not eating at those times. The 10pm, 2am, 4am schedule is pretty common, but you can drop that 2am and any other wake-ups if you want to push her in that direction. Daddy took over any wake-ups that weren’t a scheduled feeding. It took about 2 weeks total to adjust, but it really wasn’t that bad once we committed to it. The feeding times were a bit flexible, so long as she only ate twice a night. If she woke up at 9:30pm, that would count for 10pm. Or if she slept through the 10pm feeding but woke up at 11:30pm, then that would count as the 10pm feeding. We just stuck to the 2 feedings at approximately 10pm and 4am. We started dropping the 10pm feeding around 9 months using a similar method. The 4am to 5am feeding stuck around for a little over a year.
Third, you don’t have to do CIO, but now is a great time to start setting the stage for better sleep. Give your baby two to five minutes to fuss when she awakes in the middle of the night. Watch the clock if you need to–two minutes can feel like forever. Of course, you can get her if she breaks out in full-on crying but letting her fuss for a minute or two can be good for her. You are giving her the chance to try to go back to sleep on her own. She may surprise you sometimes (even if not very often, at first).
Finally, I found the Precious Little Sleep website to be very helpful for sleeping tips. Alexis is very down to earth and not judgy-judgy like this topic can get. Here is her very (fair, in my opinion) overview of some of the cry it out research: https://www.preciouslittlesleep.com/is-sleep-training-child-abuse/
HSAL says
Really glad I came back to this thread, this is helpful. Last night I experimented when she woke up around 1:30 with just holding her for a minute instead of automatically attaching her to my boob, and she went right back to sleep, so she couldn’t have been too hungry. Then she had longer than usual feeds at 3 and 6, which I’ll happily take.
lucy stone says
In the event there’s any other plus-size pregnant ladies out there (really universe, we do exist and we have jobs that don’t let us wear muumuus), I ordered Bella Bands in a size 4 and have more than enough room to spare. I normally wear a 16W in dresses and a 20W or 22W in pants. I’m pretty happy about this as I can’t find a single pair of work maternity pants that aren’t completely crap.
NJ says
Only available in XS :'(
overnight diapers says
Another sleep issue. My 15 month old is 22 lbs., and is waking up at 5:30 every morning b/c his diaper has basically disintegrated. Sometimes it’s just pee, sometimes not, but either way, it’s a mess and awful. The little diaper crystals are all over the inside of his jammies and he’s wet and unhappy. If his diaper does manage to hold, he’ll sleep until 7. So, not only for his comfort, but also b/c he’s a tired wreck by 8AM, we need to fix the issue!
Currently, he’s in size 5 pampers at night (so we sized up – technically the size limit is 27 lbs.), which are better than size 4s, which he wears during the day). Any bigger, and it would leak out his legs. Has anyone had luck with overnight diapers? Or other suggestions? He goes to bed at 8, and usually has a 6 oz bottle of milk. He cries if he doesn’t get a full bottle of milk, so I hate to withhold.
JJ says
We loved Pampers, but around that time and that size (and for the same reasons), we switched to Huggies for my boys. Same size, not the special “overnight” versions. And the issue went away for us. I’ve talked to a few friends that had the same issue and ultimately made the same switch.
Not saying it will always be the case, but maybe try other diaper brands as an experiment?
regression says
I’ve heard that you can stick a maxipad inside the diaper to add extra absorbency – worth a try?
I would work on learning to fall asleep without a bottle of milk at this age due to potential dental issues. Maybe start watering it down, very very slowly?
anon says
Try another brand? We really like the Target overnights (in a size up from daytime). I wouldn’t say that they never leak at all, but they never explode either. Our kid also has 6 oz right before bed. We hated Pampers.
Famouscait says
We use Huggies overnight and they’re great. I had to get a box of Pampers when I couldn’t find our regular Huggies, and I will be glad when we’re done with them. The crystals haven’t escaped, but I can feel/see them which I never do with the Huggies.
Meg Murry says
Another +1 for Huggies overnights being the best brand of overnight diapers, IMO, although it’s been almost 2 years so maybe things have changed since I used them.
Out of desperation we wound up doing a surreptitious “dream change” before H and I went to bed where we would slide a portable changing pad under baby still in his crib and try to change the diaper before he woke up. It didn’t always work, but when it did it was great because it meant baby slept in later on the weekends instead of waking us at 5 am wet and mad and not willing to go back to sleep.
Eileen says
Another Huggies overnights fan here too.
Anonymous says
We use disposable diaper doublers that we get from amazon. They’re like giant maxi pads but no sticky side. Has made a world of difference.
Anon says
We use Target brand and put a diaper cover on over it (we use washable diapers during the day and have covers). The cover keeps mess contained in the diaper no matter how much she squirms. But disposable doublers sound like a good solution.
overnight diapers says
Just amazon’d the Huggies – thanks for the suggestion. We loved the Pampers swaddlers when he was a newborn, and just never looked back. I’m encouraged that others with similar issues had luck with a different brand. The maxi pad idea is intriguing – maybe I’ll pull one of my boat-sized post-partum ones out if Huggies don’t work.
Also, he usually has the milk during stories, and does a slightly hilarious impression of teeth brushing after, so he’snot going down with the milk, which hopefully will prevent any dental issues.
OP says
My son pees a ton overnight, and we do the huggies overnights in a size up with a select kids diaper pad booster. We tried a number of different combinations and this worked best for us.
Paging Clementine says
Can you say more about the power pump idea? 5 minutes on, 5 minutes off for an hour, once a day for three days? Should it be the same time every day? Any particular time of day? I’m on Fenugreek and alloftheoats and am currently pumping 15 min 4-6x a day after feedings, but am still not producing enough to not use formula in his supplemental bottle feeds. As we’re closing in the on the 3 week mark, and I hear your supply is established by the 4-6 week mark, I’d really like to pull out all the stops to get my supply up in the next week or so.
As background, we’re currently on a triple feed plan (I breastfeed, pump, and supplement by bottle pumped milk or formula) to get the bean’s weight up. Even when we get there, he’s not a great eater – he’s been called “sleepy”, “immature,” and possibly has a bad latch (the jury’s out on this one – I’ve seen 4 LCs and 1 ENT and no one can agree whether he has a lip tie, a tongue tie, or none of the above. AWESOME.). Whatever it is, the milk is currently not making it from me to him in the quantity it needs to. I’m not against formula but would love to have my supply be there if exclusive breastfeeding all of a sudden starts working for us.
Willing to take any and all tips! I did buy the small 2oz. bottles/containers that someone recommended here last week to make me feel not so bad about pumping so little – they’re awesome so thanks!
Anonymous says
Are you taking domperidone? I struggled with low supply with both babies and no amount of fenugreek, goats rue, or power pumping fixed it. Domperidone was the only thing that really worked.
Clementine says
First off, you’re doing awesome!! We did something similar to the ‘triple feed plan’ with the kid in the NICU- I would nurse and we would weigh before and after, then give him pumped milk plus a milk fortifier in a bottle. We found that we had to strip him down to a diaper to keep him mostly awake for nursing when he started nursing. We also got a tongue tie clipped and it was SUCH a good idea. It took maybe 30 seconds, of which 20 were spent getting him to hold still.
So there’s actually a lot online on this (g00gle ‘power pumping’), but I found that the 5 on/5 off worked really well for me. It simulates cluster feeding and tells your body that it needs to up milk because your baby is going through a growth spurt. I put on an episode of game of thrones (about an hour) and just sat down and pumped.
I’ve read suggestions that you should try and do this in the morning because that’s when milk supply is highest, but the LC said that if you just find an hour where you can just sit and pump, that’s the main thing.
Re: Domperidone- I’ve heard it’s really effective, but if you’re in the US, you have to order it from overseas. I’ve also heard that you have to take enough fenugreek until you smell like maple syrup.
My experience was different than most- I had a NICU baby and had to establish a supply when my kid wasn’t able to directly breastfeed. Because of other complications, early on I was pumping 6 hours/day and getting 5-10 ML per pumping (so for 30 minutes of pumping, I was getting that little) and ended up needing to use donor milk, then with pumping and no supplements actually got to a point where my supply was so high I was BFing full time and had an extra 20-30 oz of milk. I’ve donated 4 1/2 gallons of milk at this point and have a freezer full.
Carrie M says
+1 to Clementine’s answers, and that you’re doing great!!
When I was really in the supply-boosting phase, I power pumped 2x/day — early morning before H left for work and later at night when H was home. Basically, I couldn’t commit to doing it when it was just me with the baby. I did 10 min on/10 min off for 70 minutes, but I don’t think there’s any magic to it. That’s just what my LC recommended.
re the possible lip/tongue tie….they are notoriously difficult for some doctors/LCs to diagnose. I went to a breastfeeding support group and often heard tales from moms re seeing multiple doctors and LCs before figuring out what’s going on. So don’t give up. What area are you in? Someone on here may be able to give you a rec.
In addition to power pumping, I took A LOT of fenugreek and Gaia lactation support pills. Don’t be afraid to try different things to see what will work for you.
Good luck!! I know how stressful and frustrating it can be, but it sounds like you’re doing an awesome job. Hang in there – this too shall pass!
Anonymous says
Question about how to cope/get used to a different office culture after starting a new job.
I recently took a new job (same field, different company) because both the pay and the commute are much better than they were my previous job. This has already made a big difference because we have more room financially and I get home earlier/leave later. The only thing I am having a hard time with is adjusting to a different office culture.
My old company was very working parent/family friendly. If someone had to leave early because of child related/childcare emergency or take a day off because their child(ren) got sick it was no problem. People with children were given preference when booking vacations and were not asked to go on business trips if they didn’t want to. They also didn’t have to work overtime/stay late/work weekends if they didn’t want too.
My new company, although great in other areas, is the exact opposite. Time off is first come first served. Everyone, parents or not, is given I’ll dependant time and if you use all the alloted days you have to take unpaid time. Everyone has to take turns working overtime, staying late or taking business trips and if there is a childcare emergency and none of the people without kids want to stay and cover then you still have to stay or risk getting in trouble if you do leave.
Like I said my new company is good in other areas and I like my raise and my better commute. I’m not sure how to cope working in an environment that is not family friendly. If anyone has any tips or advice they would be greatly appreciated.
Anonymous says
I’m not sure what industry you are in, but even as a mom of 2 I have a hard time understanding how there wouldn’t be resentment from non-kid having employees of your old company. That has also ways been the norm for me.
You should adjust by making sure you plan things way ahead, have your kids activities put in a shared calendar with work so you can find conflicts earlier, and strengthen your back-up care situation because it sounds like you may need it due to a less flexible work schedule. Make sure you set aside some of the pay bump you got for this so you don’t resent it when the time comes to spend it on sitters.
Schedule regular/critical meetings earlier in the day, block out working time at the end of the day so you don’t end up with tons of late meetings.
Anonymous says
I think the easiest thing to do is to start planning as far in advance as possible for the things you can plan for – vacations, holidays. I have family members who have to do the same thing – they work at hospitals, or for the Post Office, and have to put in a vacation request months in advance. I’d just do the same thing.
I think the harder cultural shift is for emergencies. I’d do my best to work out back-up care, but you know that it doesn’t always work perfectly. So what you can do is be a good team player the rest of the time. Be supportive of your colleagues, particularly other parents if you can find them. Cover for them when they need to leave for childcare emergencies, and build support so that they can cover for you when you need to leave. Maybe even if the policies are not family friendly, you can build mutually supportive relationships with your coworkers that are family friendly. That means you might have to work overtime or take a trip you don’t want to, but it might earn you some credibility for the long haul.
Anonymama says
Honestly, the new company doesn’t sound particularly family-unfriendly, just more even-handed in flexibility than your previous company (which sounds like it was kind of childless-person-unfriendly). So plan out your back-up care, and a back up to your back-up, and otherwise try your best to do good work and make a good impression on your colleagues. I would expect that as a new person you’d be allowed less flexibility than someone who’s been there awhile, regardless of who has kids, so some of it may be just building up credibility.
Anonymous says
Thank you all for the replies and the helpful advice!
Travel with says
I miss diapers. I have a child who should be potty trained (age-wise) but is <100% potty trained and has been stuck there for years (and we've gone to all of the drs and there's no medical or developmental issue, and I'm not sure if that is comforting or distressing). At any rate, she will dribble in her underwear when she is doing something she wants to do or just forgets and is oblivious that the starts to smell when she is damp-to-wet. I am living in fear of travel — cloth chairs, other people getting grossed out, etc. I put her in a underjams overnight (and that holds it in; previously I traveled with waterproof mattress covers and remade the bed) but the daytime is so yucky.
If any of you have lived through this, any thoughts / advice / strategies? The only thing that helps is putting her in just a dress at home (she doesn't like pee running down her legs), but we can't do that if people are over or we are out and about.
HELP!
Clementine says
Timers? It sounds like she just gets distracted and it isn’t a priority.
Can you just sit her on the toilet at designated increments- every 30 minutes or every hour?? I had a camper a long time ago who had to be ‘reminded’ to use the bathroom every hour or so. I was a day camp counselor for 5 year olds, so wet pants happened occasionally- especially with overall shorts. It was always much more tragic for the kiddos than it was for us.
Anons says
How old is she? Around 3? Sometimes trying to potty train before the child is ready can lead to issues. Can you take a step back (maybe even consider diapers again, or very absorbent undies) and let her lead the way on going back to the underwear/potty? I know it might sound crazy to tell you to stop stressing about this issue so much, but maybe by consciously choosing not to stress out about it and moving the ball to her court will give her a sense of control and allow a breakthrough. Also, get a second opinion from a pedi that has experience with this issue, if you can.
Anons says
OP, I know very little about your situation (that is why I recommended a second opinion from an experienced pedi), but I just read your post again, and I really get the sense that this might be a power struggle and that your daughter might be physically and cognitively capable of using the toilet, but is having control/emotional issues with it. If you’ve tried everything else, maybe Google Janet Lansbury and toilet training and try to completely step back and go back to diapers (not as a punitive thing, but as a reset, make her comfortable for a transition thing). I am not saying you did anything wrong to get to this situation. Kids are great at throwing challenge after challenge at us. It just sounds like what you are doing isn’t working, so maybe trying something new for a week or two couldn’t hurt. Good luck.
Anonymous says
We’ve been to her pediatrician and a pediatric urologist, so there is no physical problem with daytime wetting (nighttime wetting isn’t as much of an issue — we won’t expect that it will happen in anything other than in due time).
In my area, summer birthday children are routinely put in TK but when we did testing my daughter is otherwise ready to go to kindergarten as a young 5 year old. We sent her and she comes home damp every day (or worse) and smells and I am so, so worried that she will be kicked out of summer camps this summer for not staying dry (and I am the breadwinner). I wish I’d held her back from regular school b/c daycares / TKs seem to be better for non-dry children, but I thought it was crazy to hold a mentally ready child back from kindergarten b/c they won’t stay dry.
Anonymous says
Have you tried the Potty Watch? It reminds the kid when it’s time to use the potty. I have a relative who found that it was the only way to get her 4-year-old fully trained.
If she was otherwise prepared for kindergarten, you totally did the right thing in sending her this year. Keeping a socially and academically prepared kid back would have caused worse problems in the long run. Some camps should have no problem with minor wetting issues, especially since she is old enough to change her own clothes. Our Y camp actually requires younger kids to bring a full set of extra clothes each day for this precise reason. If you are extremely worried about it, you could check into “camps” run by day care centers that may be more prepared to deal with potty accidents.
Anon says
Maternity-clothes hunters: I gotta recommend this dress. I’m 8 Mo.s and it’s been the best from 4 mo’s to now (and I think will go the distance). So happy to have a go-to dress that’s not body con: http://www.seraphine.com/us/seraphine-sophia-pleated-dress.html
The peplum side flaps make it – I think Seraphine will periodically make maternity dresses with them.