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Sales of note for 12.7.23…
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Nordstrom – Holiday sale up to 50% off; up to 40% off selected designer styles
- Ann Taylor – 40% off your purchase & extra 15% off sweaters
- Banana Republic – 40% off your purchase; up to 40% off sale styles
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything & extra 20% off purchase; Gap Inc. cardmembers take extra 25% off
- Eloquii – $19-$49 holiday deals; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – 40% off your purchase with code; up to 50% off coats; up to 60% off present picks
- Lands’ End – Sleepwear from $19; 60% off everything else & free shipping (readers love the cashmere)
- Loft – 40% off your purchase plus extra 15% off
- Summersalt – Up to 60% off select styles (this reader-favorite sweater blazer is 40% off)
- Talbots – 40% off your regular-price purchase; 50% off all sweaters, coats, shoes & accessories
- Zappos – 34,000+ women’s sale items! Check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kid shoe brands on sale.
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Up to 60% off sitewide; holiday deals $5+; up to 70% off clearance
- Crate&kids – Free shipping sitewide; up to 50% off toy + gift event; free monogramming for a limited time only (order by 12/15)
- Graco – Holiday savings up to 35% off
- Hanna Andersson – PJs starting at $20; up to 50% off the Holiday Shop; free shipping on all orders
- J.Crew Crewcuts – 40% off your purchase with code; up to 60% off present picks
- Old Navy – 50% off pants for the family; clearance styles from $2.99; 30% off your order, even clearance
- Pottery Barn Kids – Holiday sale up to 50% off; free shipping on 1000s of items
- Target – BOGO 50% off select toys; 30% off kids’ & toddler sleepwear; buy 2 get 1 free kids’ books
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Anonymous says
I could use the opinions of other moms on this one – DH wasn’t so helpful and feels like it’s up to me (not in the obnoxious way, but I just don’t think he had the answer).
I’m friends with another mom who has a daughter close in age to mine plus a baby. We’re pretty good friends by this point and we see each other (with our kids) at least once a week. Kids are 2. Her child is very high energy, but within the realm of normal 2 to me. Mine is less high energy but they still like being together. Lately, friend has been yelling at her daughter a lot. Now seriously, the kid is very high energy and has trouble learning about personal boundaries, but again, she’s 2. Friend yells about every 3-5 mins throughout every interaction we have. And the other day she shamed her child which I HATE “You’re acting like a baby. Do you need me to hold you like a baby”?? Understandably, this puts me on edge AND my DD sometimes thinks she’s the one getting in trouble. To be clear – if this were the 80s no one would bat an eye at her parenting, but this doesn’t make it OK to me. As a parent I try to limit yelling to dangerous situations (like don’t touch a hot stove) and we don’t spank.
I guess my question is – should I limit the time we spend together so my daughter isn’t exposed to this stress? At what point do you pull back from a friendship because your parenting styles don’t match? Seeing this friend without kids would be tricky and our kids do enjoy each other. To be clear – I would never say anything to her, or other moms we know, about her parenting style because it is her child and her business.
GCA says
I wouldn’t pull back from the friendship, but if seeing her parenting stresses you & DD out, I would shift the balance to see her without the kids rather than with the kids. And perhaps commiserate and offer resources that helped you (eg. How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen). If she’s stressed out and yelling now, at a 2-year-old, it will only get worse.
CPA Lady says
I have a friend like this too, OP. It does make me uncomfortable, but I think she’s really at her wit’s end. Her son just does not listen to her. She will tell him to do or not do something and he will laugh in her face and do whatever he wants, regardless of the consequences. He’s 4 and has been like this basically his whole life. I don’t like that she yells, but I don’t know what I would do in her place. It’s one thing to be able to be calm in the face of a difficult child that you see once a week. It’s entirely different to have to parent that child day in, day out, with a new baby to deal with as well.
And FWIW, I went through a yelling period that I’m pretty ashamed of. It was around the time my daughter was 2. I very rarely yell these days, so I don’t think that just because she’s yelling now it’s definitely going to get worse. I found 2 to be one of the most frustrating ages, and each year has gotten easier for me. I was angry and yelling because I felt so overwhelmed and out of my depth and unsupported and I was dealing with some hormonal issues on top of it all. So… I guess I don’t think you should necessarily stop being her friend. Pull back if you need to, but it sounds like she needs more support in her life, not less.
Anonymous says
Thank you this is so helpful. I agree – her child is just what i would call a “spirited child.” I don’t think it’s a parenting thing, and it would be so hard for me as well to deal with that energy day in and out as well! You’re right, she probably needs more support not less.
anon says
I have That Spirited Kid, and I completely agree that your friend needs more support. I don’t know many moms who yell and actually feel OK about it; chances are that she’s internally chastising herself for not being a “better” parent.
Ages 2-4 about broke me; it’s sort of a miracle that we had a second. Younger child is not nearly so difficult.
Anons says
I’m amazed you had a second! It doesn’t matter now and would be totally inappropriate to share with a child, but I’ve often wondered if it is ever a good idea to share the truth if a child (as a grown adult) asks why they don’t have siblings. The short truth would be “your father and I decided we were happy enough with just you.” The long truth would be: you never slept as a baby, even after sleep training you woke up before 5am for years, you screamed at level 10 at us for the majority of the first two years of your life, you stopped napping completely at age 2.5 and would be a miserable mess all afternoon as a result, your toddler years were very difficult, and did I mention that you didn’t like sleep? Who signs up for that again?!
Anons says
I just wanted to add that I think it is amazing you have a second and I admire your strength and willingness to roll the dice again after #1. Our child is the best thing I ever did and is a pretty amazing little kid that brings lots of joy, but having another like her as a baby might kill me.
Anons says
Thank you for writing this CPA Lady. I have also had yelling phases that I am ashamed of. It is always when I am at my wit’s end and need more help or resources than it is possible for me to have with my spirited child. She has medical issues that require me to frequently stay home for days at a time to take care of her, and I definitely resent the toll this takes on my career. I remember yelling once: “I hate yelling! Why do you make me yell at you? It is the only thing that works. But I hate it, and yet here we are. JUST LISTEN AND WE WOULD BOTH BE HAPPIER.” Because that was super effective (not).
AwayEmily says
First, I think your daughter will be fine, and it is potentially a good opportunity to discuss how different families do things differently. That being said, if it is stressing you out then I agree with GCA that it makes sense to pull back — there’s no need to purposefully put yourself in a situation that makes you uncomfortable. If I were in your situation I would probably also opt out — again, not because I think it’s causing anyone serious harm but because playdates are supposed to be fun (for the parent and the kid) and if they’re not, then they are not worth my time.
This may be a temporary thing with the stress of the baby — I know that for me, things got a LOT easier and I got more patient once my baby turned into a toddler (so, around 14 months). So I’d keep the line of communication open and see how things develop.
Anonymous says
Your daughter is fine. The real question is whether you enjoy spending time with her or not. Sounds like you don’t which is fine.
Anonymous says
I’m more short tempered when I’m sleep deprived so that may be her situation if baby isn’t very old. Are there certain situations that you would react to as well but a bit more gently? Maybe if you react first, in a gentle manner, that sets the tone for her own reaction? Or makes her reaction unnecessary because you’ve redirected them/dealt with the situation?
Are the playdates mostly happening at her house, your house or a neutral location? I tend to be a bit stricter when I’m at someone else’s house (e.g. I don’t want my kids throwing toys but I defintely don’t want them throwing and breaking someone else’s toys). Maybe head to the playground now that the weather is warmer? Or it is too hot, maybe an indoor play place that’s staff supervised?
Anonymous says
Play dates are usually at a neutral location. We choose fenced in playgrounds so there’s less stress about her child running off. Honestly I probably react more gently to every situation. I think she views yelling as “I can’t help it” and I view it as “I’m an adult, it’s my responsibility to control my emotions and not project stress on to a two year old”. Of course I’m not a perfect parent either! But I grew up in a house with yelling/spanking as did DH, and we know how it wasn’t good for us.
Anonymous says
I was your friend last year. I had 3 under 5, including a new baby and a sh*thead toddler that, while developmentally appropriate, was way, way more “toddler” than my oldest. I yelled at toddler nonstop. T was pretty much the only thing that worked (sort of). She was a sh*thead nonstop. It was awful for everyone.
Advice:
1. Give it time. Your friend is low on sleep and patience.
1a. Can you help? Can you take her toddler on a playdate and let her sleep/have 1:2 baby time? Can you hang with baby and give Mom 1:1 toddler time?
2. Your kid will be fine.
3. If it works better for you, you can ease up on the face time with this friend. But my advice is just to give it time and to lend a helping hand when you can. If you’re at a playground and friend’s kid is acting out, offer to go help since Friend is dealing with baby.
Anonymous says
OP here – I used to be able to help out more like chasing her daughter down etc… (I’m a pretty physical parent), but I’m very pregnant right now so haven’t been able to. I’m not sure if that’s making things more stressful? Maybe now she doesn’t have that second set of hands? But I’ll have two soon so there’s only so much I’ll be able to do for the next 6 months.
Anon says
Wait whoa. Telling a kid they’re acting like a baby is shaming? My 3 year old whines and refuses to put on his socks (which he is VERY capable of doing) and I will totally say things like “You’re acting like a toddler. Do you need to go to the toddler room at daycare today? Or can you put on your socks like the 3 year old I know you are?” Is that shaming? What do people do instead?
(I was raised in a very authoritarian 80s household so have learned all my non-spanking options from Daniel Tiger and googling. Some phrases to research would be very helpful.)
shortperson says
i dont think it’s terribly harmful but i do not use labels on my child like that. i would start with “how to talk so little kids will listen” and following janet lansbury on facebook. daniel tiger’s parents are also excellent role models although daniel is so well-behaved a lot of situations are not covered.
Anonymous says
“although daniel is so well-behaved a lot of situations are not covered”
Amen.
Anonymous says
Yes it’s shaming. We don’t tell our kids they are being ‘babies’ for bad behavior and I don’t allow grandparents or other caregivers to do that either.
“can you put on your socks like the 3 year old I know you are?” – this isn’t really shaming in the same way as tell a kid that they are being a ‘baby’. Also, I’m impressed that your 3 year old consistently puts on his own socks. My 3 kids all struggled with the fine motor skills for that independently until they were about 5.
Generally, whenever you’re referred to your kid in a negative way as a part of a group, it could be a shaming situation depending on the language used. Daniel Tiger and Janet Lansbury are both great. The key is to not aim for perfection, but just try your best and acknowledge to your kid when you do something that wasn’t okay.
SG says
Check out SimplyOnPurpose on Instagram – she’s Mormon (I’m not religious) and I still take a lot away from her approach. Her goal is always to “stay safe” and invest in the long term relationship.
octagon says
I say similar things (sparingly) because kiddo is SO proud of becoming a “big boy” and growing up. It’s usually very effective because at his age (3.5) he is keen on drawing comparisons between the big kids and the babies, and wants to be with the big kids.
fallen says
Would you guys mind sharing How you guys split chores with partner / what you outsource? Husband and I just moved and we are trying to be mindful about how we split things since in the last year he was working out of town M-F so we are starting fresh. This is what we have in mind so far:
Outsourced: grocery shopping, laundry, weekly cleaning, kid pick up and drop off, kid am stuff, kid lunches
Me: cooking, kid evening routine / bath, daily picking up (dishwasher, wipe counters, etc), ordering groceries online, kid schedules (doctor, birthday party)
Husband: cleanup if he’s home for the cooking, trash, bill payment, dry cleaning, buying presents for kids parties, making our bed
Leatty says
Outsource: lawncare, cleaning
Me: buying DD’s clothes, laundry (clothes), bills, and anything that requires planning (vacations, most gifts, DD’s schedule)
DH: litter box, trash, any outdoor stuff, other laundry (sheets, towels), anything requiring manual labor, most cooking
Split: everything else, including daycare drop off/pick up, evening routine, weekend childcare, groceries
I definitely do more of the mental labor, but I enjoy planning and like to be in control, so this works for us most of the time.
Anonymous says
So on a daily basis you do tons of work and he takes out the trash? Wouldn’t work for me at all. My expectation is that if one of us is working both of us are working. Is he home for bedtime? What’s he doing then? His chores are like actually nothing at all I don’t get it.
lsw says
I agree that it sounds like you are doing way more than him!
We don’t do a strict “you always do that/I always do this,” but ours comes out like this most times:
outsource: housecleaning
me: most cooking, most grocery shopping (because I really like it), maybe 75% of bedtimes, my own laundry and son’s laundry (again, I like it, and I’m fussy about laundry), gardening (my hobby but it is a lot of work), 75% of lunch packing in the morning
him: most cleaning up after dinner, loading and unloading dishwasher, general sweeping throughout the week, most baths, his laundry, works with SD to make sure she’s doing her laundry, weedwacking/maintaining the side alley between our house and the neighbors’ weeds, taking SD to piano lessons, taking out the trash/recycling/diapers
split pretty evenly: general picking up of stuff, getting son out of bed and ready for school
HSAL says
Yeah…I mean if it works for you, or there’s some good reason for that division, fine, but those are basically not real jobs for him. Even assuming he can’t set up all the bills for automatic payment, everything else but the trash are pretty sporadic activities. I’m guessing you got used to doing everything on your own while he was gone, but I would encourage you to pass on some of your jobs to him.
Anonymous says
+1 on the bills. We don’t even count those in our division as everything is on autopay and we just occasionally flip through and check the amounts are all correct.
AwayEmily says
Agreed that this sounds super uneven. It might be worth first thinking about daily tasks (cooking, cleaning, dishwasher loading/unloading, kid pm routines) and how to most evenly divvy up those, then moving on to the weekly (garbage, laundry, changing sheets, grocery shopping) and finally the more sporadic ones (birthday presents, bills).
We do a pretty strict every-other-day system with almost all of our daily tasks. We switch off: kids bedtime, kids dropoff/pickup, unloading the dishwasher, cooking, and cleaning. That just seems to work best/minimize resentment.
fallen says
He has a long commute / long hours and is gone 7-9 which makes divying up tough. By bills I meant stuff like remembering to pay maid/nanny, rent (check) and all of our investments.
What can I give him that he can do with his long hours / him not being around? I also kind of count the outsourced stuff for him bc he makes substantially more than I do which allows us to afford things like instacart, maid and nanny.
Anonymous says
I would just have him do the dishes when he gets home. So he gets home, heats up his dinner, then does all the dishes. It’s a daily task that takes like 20-30 mins max but would even things out a lot. That’s totally reasonable if you’re doing all the cooking and basically solo parenting most evenings.
Anonymous says
No no no. Outsourcing is not something he is doing. He can unload or reload the dishwasher every night, as a baseline thing, and he can also be doing some laundry. He might be too busy to do a lot, but he can find a way to contribute on a daily basis.
Anon says
Yeah, the outsourcing is not “his” chore. I don’t care who earns the money, it’s joint money and the outsourcing is a joint decision. Don’t let him off the hook chore-wise just because he earns more!
AwayEmily says
I think most of the advice you’ll get on here is how best to split things up evenly, since that’s how most of us approach it. That being said, every family is different, and if you both agree that because of his commute, he should do less around the house, then that’s fine — but make sure you both actively agree to it, and that he realizes (and hopefully, is super appreciative) that you are doing *substantially* more hands-on work than he is.
I agree that who earns more money is pretty irrelevant in this whole direction.
shortperson says
i make way more and we have help four days a week with dishes and laundry. counting everything our housekeeper does as part of my column would never fly in my house.
Anonymous says
He could load the dishwasher in the evening when he gets home, and unpack it in the morning before the leaves. He could also do laundry on that schedule – putting it into the washer in the evening, transferring it into the dryer in the morning and then folding it the following evening.
Anon says
I make all the money (DH is a SAHD), I am typically gone with commute and hours from 9:30-9 M-F and usually working from home a half day on the weekends, and I still manage to do laundry on weekends and do the dishes in the morning while my breakfast toasts (I unload and load, it runs while I’m at work, and then repeat the next morning).
CPA Lady says
Outsource: cleaning every other week, daycare provides breakfast, lunch, and afternoon snack, we’ve automated all our bills except our mortgage, which DH pays manually.
Me: morning routine with kid, daycare drop off, load and unload dishwasher and wash any hand-wash stuff, make beds, do all scheduling & planning of lessons, vacations, dr. appts, keeping track of school stuff, etc, feed and water cat, mow front yard, general daily-ish house tidying, keeping an eye on our financial situation
Him: meal planning, grocery shopping, cooking, daycare pickup, kid’s bedtime routine, litter box, mow back yard, fixing things that break
split depending on schedule: taking kiddo to lessons, laundry, bathing kiddo (not part of bedtime routine), kid’s dr. appts., taking out the trash
Anonymous says
– we split pick up and drop off about 50-50, we rarely have work travel; currently happy with balance, no pets but if we get a dog then that would be 100% on my list as he really doesn’t want a dog.
Outsourced: biweekly cleaning
Me: get kids dressed in the morning and make sure they have stuff for any special days, kids schedules, birthday parties for other kids (one child with severe allergies so usually have to bring own food etc), cakes/presents/planning for our kids parties, all easter bunny/santa stuff, Christmas stuff for my family/our kids, dinner about 1/2 the time, lunch for school aged kid, all household and kid laundry, picking out clothes for kids, shopping for new clothes/shoes etc for kids, school permission slips/fundraisers, extracircular organization, packing for vacations except camping trips – usually 1 big trip (3 weeks)/year sometimes 2 shorter trips, I’ll assist with some snow shoveling but it’s mainly him.
Him: breakfast, grocery shopping, dinner about 1/2 the time, all dishes, trash/recycling, mowing the lawn (although I think we should outsource this), packing for camping trips (2 weekends/year), wipes down bathrooms and vaccums main floor on week cleaners don’t come, snow shoveling
Anonymous says
– forgot bedtime routine – we split it most nights though I tend to do more of the baths as I enjoy it.
HSAL says
He does the bulk of the morning activities (getting 2-3 kids dressed, breakfast for the oldest) and drop-off. We both do post-dinner cleanup, though he’s solely responsible for anything that needs handwashed. He gets the babies ready for bed and does all the kid baths. Bedtime is a joint effort. He does all the mowing/outdoor stuff and takes the trash out probably 75% of the time.
I do everything related to mine and the kids’ laundry. I wash and dry his clothes but he’s responsible for putting it all away. I do pickup and usually start the cooking because he gets home a bit later. I cook probably 75% of the time and do almost all of the grocery shopping (my preference). I do all the packing for trips, any clothes-buying needed, general scheduling, any presents needed, and most of the logistical stuff.
Any cleaning done is pretty ad-hoc. We have nothing outsourced but we also don’t have that high of standards. So I’m usually the one who says “we need to vacuum/clean toilets/other general cleaning” but both of us do it.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Kids are 3 and 8 months and we’re about to move in to a bigger house with more space (and thus, more work), but here’s where we are now:
Outsource: Bi-weekly cleaning, laundry, take-out a few nights a week.My dad watches the baby twice a week and my parents come over usually once during the weekend.
Me: Daycare drop-off, dishes, general day-to-day light cleaning, take care of baby’s nighttime routine, most of the baby’s feedings (including pumping at work), financial planning, the “emotional labor” of remembering cards for teachers, clothes shopping for kids, scheduling doc. appointments (we trade off who goes with the kids), getting 3 year old’s lunch ready.
Husband: Daycare pick-up, takes care of 3 year old’s nighttime routine (sometimes I do the bath and read, but it’s usually him), grocery shopping, almost all the cooking/meal prep for all of us, also general day-to-day clean-up, researching daycares.
Split: Depending on what’s going one, we may split all of the above, but generally we split getting 3 year old and baby ready in the morning, weekend childcare, others that I’m probably forgetting.
We both work full time with no travel, with occasional nighttime/weekend work, almost always done from home (and usually just me!)
Anonymous says
Outsourced: I can’t think of anything, sigh.
Me: Main grocery shopping, cleaning floors (main weekly cleaning), post-dinner kitchen cleanup, kid lunch prep, homework assist & school paperwork, kid clothing/gift buying, most social planning, litterbox
Husband: laundry, last minute groceries, bills/finances (plus his Dad’s finances), anything related to car (including moving it 2x a week for street cleaning, repairs, etc), home repairs, trash/recycling/compost, putting dinner on the table (either cooking or reheating something I made), most cat care
Split: cooking (I get home at dinnertime so cook after son goes to bed or on weekends; husband gets home earlier); packing our own lunches, deep cleaning/dusting, dishes (often he unloads dishwasher and I load/wash, but we don’t have a regimented system), bedtime routine (1 person does PJs/brush teeth, the other reads stories, and we alternate), drop off/pick up, kid breakfast, Dr’s appointments
Anonymous says
Oh we do usually order takeout 1 night a week and often go out for a meal on the weekend.
Ash. says
Outsource: weekly cleaning, school lunches, dinner for adults (we have a meal delivery service), grocery delivery
Me: order groceries, laundry, dress kids, pack school bags, dinner for kids, make the kids’ breakfasts 50%, empty dishwasher 50%, take out trash 50%, spot cleaning between weekly pro cleaners, manage housekeepers and baby- and dog-sitters, all gifting/cards, pay non-automated bills and deposit checks
Him: lawn care, fix and set up electronics in the house, clean up dog poop, make the kids’ breakfasts 50%, empty dishwasher 50%, take out trash 50%, dry cleaning, shower the kids/wash their hair, manage our tenants and house contractors
Anon says
Outsource: Cleaning (only monthly though, so our house is not that clean), some cooking (takeout)
DH: Most of the cooking, weekly grocery shopping, trash
Me: Essentially all of the emotional/mental labor (taxes, financial planning, kid appointments, kid clothes shopping, researching anything parenting or household related, buying gifts for family/friends, etc.)
Split: Loading and unloading the dishwasher, laundry, lawn mowing, daycare drop-offs and pick-ups, bedtime routine, dog walking
Anonanonanon says
Outsource:
-I have a rent the runway membership, which I place in this category
-Some grocery shopping
-We use a lot of babysitters for date nights etc.
Me:
Cleaning-Floors (vacuuming/mopping), Bathrooms, Dusting, Windows, any deep cleaning
Laundry- Mine, anything of the toddler girl’s that I want washed on delicate, bath mats
Errands- Basically none, except for the rare trader joe’s run
Appointments- Sick visits for the kids when possible (we trust my medical decision-making more)
Mental Load- Ensuring kids have what they need for school/camp things, buying kids’ clothes, planning vacations/trips, packing for kids, planning date nights, choosing childcare/camps, social schedules
Daycare/School- default for Pickup
Husband:
Cleaning-dishes/dishwasher, wiping down kitchen, Yardwork (limited, we’re in a townhome), garbage/recycling, sorting/shredding mail
Laundry- His, son’s, bedding, towels, baby’s stuff that doesn’t need to be washed on delicate
Errands- Grocery shopping (if we don’t use shipt), most other errands
Appointments- Kids’ well visits, kids’ dental visits, car maintenance/repairs, home maintenance/repairs
Mental Load- appointments referenced above, keeping track of supply levels in the house (toilet paper, soap, etc.), choosing home maintenance providers
Daycare/school- default for Dropoff.
Shared:
-Meals for us/kids
-changing sheets
-Sick days for kids (dependent on who has what scheduled that day. If both are free, defaults to husband who has more PTO)
-Bedtime routines (either both of us involved, or whoever is available)
-While we have “default” responsibilities for dropoff/pickup shared, we, of course, alter that when necessary
AnotherAnon says
We outsource lawn care.
Me: make bed, kitchen clean up, clean bathrooms – I try for at least twice a month, water indoor plants weekly, 2 y/o day care pickup and bedtime routine: bath, pjs, stories, brush teeth.
Him: pay bills (agree this barely counts, but he actively manages our investments too), virtually all cooking, 2 y/o AM routine: make breakfast, pack lunch, help DS potty, dress and get him to day care.
We split: grocery shopping, laundry, and bigger purging/decluttering. I usually handle weekly laundering of bedding and towels and dry cleaning, if there is any. Sometimes DH does more laundry/grocery shopping and sometimes I do more. Since we’ve decided not to outsource (not saying this is correct, it’s just how we choose to live) there’s an ebb and flow to it and honestly sometimes stuff doesn’t get done because I’d rather take a nap or go on a bike ride or have a beer than do laundry or clean toilets. Hope you find your balance: it’s taken us 10 years of marriage to figure out what works for us. It will probably all go out the window when the next kid comes along.
Anon says
Outsource: biweekly housecleaning, probably half our meals, yard maintenance, mending
Husband: takes care of kiddo full-time (I work 50-70+ hours a week), his laundry, car stuff, internet and computer stuff, feeding kiddo and himself during the week, dry cleaning, anything to do with his parents (local, not great health- although this is more split as the health problems increase as I am now keeper of all medical information as none of them can seem to understand it), vacation planning
Me: bedtime routine, dishes, all family weekend cooking (I like to cook) and feeding myself during the week, my and kiddo and joint (sheets, towels, etc.) laundry, light housekeeping between cleaners (typically vacuuming 2-3x a week, wiping down counters, might steam mop the kitchen if it’s terrible – he will do it if it bothers him, but my standards are much higher), all scheduling and remembering all the things, bill paying, anything else that can be done from a computer at my desk (including new clothes for me and kiddo), gardening (a few vegetables and flowers every summer by choice).
Split: grocery ordering (we use an app we both have access to), taking out the trash, keeping up with household supplies
Emily S. says
Fallen, this doesn’t exactly answer your question, but unsolicited advice to be mindful that you are both adjusting to a new way of life, so communicate along the way and be flexible as your needs change and kids can take on more tasks but need more from you. FWIW, perhaps spend a few minutes thinking about what tasks you like to do, what your spouse is good at, and how to maximize utility for each person’s schedule. Unfortunately, with two working parents, time is a precious commodity. I’ve found over the years that it’s not so much the pure division of labor that leads to anger and resentment but the lack of thought about what makes sense for each person to do and getting angry because you think your invisible work is unappreciated. For example, for me, picking up the kids is more fun, but I have a longer commute, so I don’t get to do it. It makes me sad, but it makes sense for our family to have the kids home at 5:30 instead of 6:15. Since I’m not doing pickup, I schedule doctor’s appointments. Takes less time, is much less visible, don’t often get thanks for it, but needs to get done so my kids get to the doctor. On the other hand, I’m not good at dishes and hate taking out the trash, so I don’t — much more visible “contribution,” but something I’m happy to pass off. I guess what I’m ultimately trying to say is, good for you for thinking about these things and devising a plan, and you’ve gotten many examples here, but don’t forget that you are devising a plan for your family, no one else’s. Here’s hoping you and spouse have an easy adjustment to being together again and that the movers didn’t lose any of your stuff!
Cb says
There is an equally shared parenting website which has a household audit which I think could be really helpful here.
I think we’re are 45/55 in our household which I’m pretty happy with. We have a weekly cleaner, my husband does dishes and clean up during the week, all outside and car related activity, I do most most of the cooking, he does most of the shopping, and childcare is definitely 5050.
Anonymous says
We have one 4 month old baby. Right now I spend a lot of time on her feeding that DH can’t do (nursing/pumping) so this could change once we’re done with nursing.
Outsource: lawn care (live in townhome), usually order take-out once per week; I’d be happy to throw money at grocery delivery, but since it’s DH’s chore that’s up to him; we talk about getting a monthly or biweekly cleaner but haven’t actually done it yet
Me: most baby feeding including middle of night wakeups/feedings (she sometimes gets one bottle a night from DH on weekends), pumping/washing pump parts/keeping milk organized to send to daycare, most of the baby mental labor – making sure she has the right size clothes, diapers, etc, making pediatrician appts, researching parenting things
Him: groceries, keeping up with household supplies, most of the cooking and meal dishes, bigger cleaning like bathrooms and floors, trash, most bills/finances, yardwork not covered by lawn service, house maintenance (furnace filters, scheduling repair work, etc)
Shared: laundry though he does more, daycare dropoff/pickup though he does more, general day to day tidying, staying home with sick baby, meal planning, baths/other baby care that isn’t feeding
Anonymous says
split/joint: kids bedtimes (we alternate kids nightly); daycare drop off/pick up (either by kid, by day, or by time of day depending on our schedules that year); dishes/daily-level of cleaning; daily trash; gardening; taking kids to doctor for routine things; manage finances at high level.
Me: 75 percent of cooking, 25 percent of grocery shopping, kids clothes buying, researching camps etc, birthday party gifts etc, remembering to make kids dr appts, most urgent kid pick ups from childcare for illness/urgent dr appts etc. Some years depending on spouse’s schedule I am responsible for getting kids ready for school; some years we split.
Spouse: bill paying, 25 percent of cooking, weekly trash; car maintenance ; childcare during school breaks and summer ; larger home repairs
Outsource: housecleaning
GCA says
Outsource: 3/4 of groceries (the remaining 1/4 is a Trader Joe’s run that is quality time for DH and Kid 1).
We have a 4yo, a 10mo, no dishwasher, and live in a very small apartment.
Me (working FT from home or remotely): AM tidy-up and dishes after kids go to daycare, kid mental labor (keeping track of clothing, diapers, shoes, dance class, swim, etc.), meal planning and cooking, pumping, garden stuff
Him (PhD program, treats it like a full-time job (really job and a half because he’s in dissertation mode!)): Daycare dropoff and pickup most days (unless he’s working late/ at lab, scheduled in advance), packing kid lunches, doctor appointments, washing baby bottles and pump parts, washing kid lunchboxes, dishes at night, taking out trash, car-related activity
Shared: Getting up with kids and getting them ready to go in the morning, kid nighttime routines, social scheduling, laundry
anon in brooklyn says
In terms of making things feel fair, for me it’s that there isn’t a lot of time that one of us is doing chores and the other is relaxing on their phone or watching tv. So in the evening, we have a no one sits down or looks at their phone until the kid is in bed and all of the evening clean up and lunch prep are done. Similar on weekends.
avocado says
This is my definition of fairness–both partners get approximately equal leisure time. If one partner is working long hours with a long commute and is home substantially less than the other partner, it’s really not fair to split the household and child-related chores 50/50.
Anon says
This doesn’t feel fair to me though, because for many people the decision to work very long hours is a choice (especially if a job with lower hours/lower salary wouldn’t negatively affect the family’s lifestyle). I have a workaholic husband who voluntarily works 70-80 hours, and I don’t think it’s fair to excuse him from all household chores just because his hobby happens to be work.
Spirograph says
Outsource: lawn, cleaning (biweekly), most bills are on auto-pay
Me: Laundry wash and fold, budget and financial planning
DH: Laundry put away, trash, litter boxes, Costco runs
Shared: Everything else. we’re probably 60/40 with him doing more on hands-on things with the kids, and probably 60/40 the other way on the mental labor of running a household. But we share meal planning, grocery shopping, cooking, kid transportation, cleaning, etc based on what’s going on in any given week. Some weeks DH picks up more, some weeks I do, but it evens out over time and I feel like we share pretty evenly.
Anonymous says
Outsource: grocery shopping, cleaning, lawn maintenance
Me: morning routine for 1 of 2 kids (alternating); daycare pick up and drop off; evening routine for 1 of 2 kids (alternating); picking up the kitchen/dining/living room after dinner and loading the dishwasher; tracking usage and ordering of groceries, household items and clothing; washing, folding and putting away laundry; managing family calendar; buying cards and gifts; coordinating any vendors (e.g. cleaning service, internet installation, HVAC repair); preparing income taxes
Husband: morning routine for 1 of 2 kids (alternating); evening routine for 1 of 2 kids (alternating); cooking; garbage and recycling; paying bills; shovelling snow; home repairs
Pogo says
Outsource: cleaning, grocery shopping
me: Meal planning, clothes for kiddo, laundry, buying gifts and cards, booking vacation stuff, all cat-related stuff (vet, meds, litter), pm pick up, night time milk/snuggle
Him: Lawn care, vegetable garden, all auto maintenance/insurance stuff, bills, garbage and recycling, snow removal, home repairs, am drop off, bath time, morning milk/snuggle
50/50 split: daily tidy/clean up and dishes, cooking, the rest of kiddo’s morning routine (prepping his lunch and breakfast, tooth brushing, etc) – we kind of just wing it and each person does what they can on any given day. Cooking we usually alternate based on what someone has in the evening – yesterday DH had to mow the lawn so I cooked; if I have a work event or go out with friends, he’ll cook. There’s also certain dishes I don’t do (anything complicated involving butchering meat is out; I also don’t grill).
anon says
Outsource: lawn maintenance, cleaning, kid pickup, laundry folding.
Me: All shopping (including asking outsourcing to pick up stuff), vacations, household management and finances, breakfast and dropoff, packing lunches and other daily prep
Him: House/auto/lawn maintenance (that’s not weekly), garbage and recycling, anything to do with church, language and music extracurriculars, all meals that are eaten at home other than breakfast during the week, water bottles. Also, playing with the kids (e.g., at the playground, at the pool).
Irish Midori says
Tell me about your kids and cell phones. My 9yo came home the other day with an old iPhone a friend gave him, and he is utterly devastated that I am (of course) making him give it back. He insists all his friends have phones (not true at all), and he’s jealous (true). I know that’s not a good reason to give him a phone, but I do start to think that he’s reaching an age I can leave him home alone for short stints (and we have no land line) and have wished a couple times when he’s been away with friends for long periods that he could communicate where he is and when he’s coming home. Not a lot, though. He’s a pretty responsible (mostly) rising 4th grader. Do I look for a flip phone for home use? Get an echo dot? Find him a basic smart phone and lock it down so he can basically call mom and play solitare on it? Tell him tough cookies, I walked uphill in the snow to school and got my first phone in college?
If your kid has a phone, what apps and controls and rules go with it?
Anonymous says
My son is 7 so we’re not there yet, but one thing another parent told me that surprised me was that she regretted making her daughter wait until middle school to get a phone because she felt it put her daughter at a disadvantage socially – a lot of her peers were starting to use phones to text and otherwise stay in touch in 5th grade (I think – I’m murky on the ages, but the point is, she was holding out longer than other parents), and her daughter was left out of that. This is something I would not have thought of otherwise. It sounds like that is not the situation with your son’s peer group, yet, but FWIW.
Anonymous says
I’d let him keep the phone.
anon says
Have you looked into the Gizmo watch? Those are super popular in our neighborhood among the 8- to 12-year-old set. It would give you (and him) texting capabilities without having a full cell phone. Kids are able to roam the neighborhood and visit the playground and friends, while still being able to reach parents without being tethered to a phone. I also have a 9-year-old and just can’t see ourselves going there yet. I don’t think he’s mature enough to handle the constant temptation and — just being honest — the constant monitoring of his tech time (and usage) would drive me up a tree. I really don’t think 4th graders are mature enough to handle being constantly connected to friends, and there’s so much evidence that social media use is directly contributing to mental health issues in teens.
We’ve started experimenting with leaving him home for short bursts — up to 30 minutes at most. For this, Kiddo has access to an old iPad with kids’ version of Facebook Messenger installed. We set up the permissions so that me, DH and his grandparents are the only people he can contact (and can contact him). The rule is that he can only use FB Messenger to reach us when he’s home alone for brief periods. We’ve also considered getting a super basic cell phone, without smart capabilities, to leave at home. We have also considered going back to an old-fashioned landline because we could get one relatively inexpensively.
This stuff is hard, and I really feel like we’re muddling through!
mascot says
If you need a home phone, look at Ooma. We bought one at Costco and the monthly rate is under $10. Much cheaper than getting it through the phone or cable company.
My kid is a year younger so he’s not left home alone, but he is allowed to ride his bike to a friend’s house or around the neighborhood. I make him check in with me at certain intervals (he wears a watch) and/or I text with the parents. I had a certain amount of freedom growing up and it was way before the age of cell phones. We weren’t allowed to play at someone’s house if the parents weren’t home, we had to call if we changed houses, and we had to stay in the neighborhood. I’m trying a similar low tech approach right now because I don’t think we need to introduce a phone quite yet.
Anonanonanon says
For our son the same age, we use a gizmogadget watch (referred by commenters here!) for our son. I looked recently and I think they discontinued it, but Verizon still has something similar.
He can only receive calls from/make calls to 10 numbers we program in from an app. We have it set to automatically answer if he doesn’t manually answer it, and we can hear what’s going on for 1 minute when that happens. Only the numbers we designated can text him, and he can only reply with pre-programmed responses. It has GPS tracking on it. We primarily use it for things like cross country practice, if he’s in the house alone while we walk the baby around the neighborhood, etc. I’ve never let him wear it to school because I’m not sure I trust him not to get distracted by it, but now that he’s older I’d like to have him start wearing it so I can text him while he’s in after school care if I’ll be later than usual, if dad is picking him up instead, etc.
He is horrible at keeping it charged and near him, which we frequently cite if he even thinks about mentioning wanting a phone.
We haven’t decided when he’ll get a phone. I think when it becomes clear that all of the children are communicating with each other regularly outside of school over phones and he’s left out, we’ll start to have that conversation.
Emily S. says
My kids are much younger, but this resonated with me: https://www.waituntil8th.org/
Anon says
Loved “Childhood is too short to waste on a smartphone.” It makes me sad that I don’t see children running our neighborhood, riding bikes, scooters, playing capture the flag, etc. We have a lovely park and most of the time I take my 4 year old, we are the only ones there. I know there are tons of elementary aged children in our neighborhood but I never see them.
Anonanonanon says
You wouldn’t see my elementary-aged child running around our neighborhood and it has nothing to do with being glued to electronics. He has no screen time during the week. However, things are just different than when we were children. We don’t know our neighbors well, kids don’t run free unsupervised through neighborhoods, someone would probably call CPS if they saw an unaccompanied kid. The expectation these days seems to be eyes on the kid the entire time they’re outside, and that’s just not realistic when I have household chores to take care of, a smaller child to attend to, etc. So outdoor time happens in more structured ways, like a family hike, a trip to the pool, etc.
Anon says
Agreed. Starting when I was 5 or so, I went out every day after dinner and ran around the neighborhood with my friends until our parents called us home for bedtime. I can’t let my kids do this because someone would literally call CPS on us and I could lose my kids. I hate it, because we live in an incredibly safe neighborhood and the world is generally a lot safer than it was in the 80s but it is what it is.
Redux says
I think our kids are also much more scheduled than we were when we were their age. The time we spent wandering the neighborhood, our kids spend in camps, lessons, practice and other programming. For better and for worse, I realize.
Anon says
I’m the Anon at 1:47 and my kids aren’t any more scheduled than I was. Well, maybe slightly because I basically did nothing organized as a child. But they’re definitely home most days after school (we restrict them to one activity each, on weekends) as are most of their friends. The reason they can’t run around the neighborhood is other people’s paranoia, not activities.
Anonymous says
I totally understand why people feel this way, but I want to gently push back on it because when you act on the fear of CPS, it makes a vicious circle. I encourage you to nudge a little. Spend time outside in your front yard and go for walks so you can “just happen to” meet your neighbors and chat them up a few minutes at a time. Chances are, they are just as sad that Kids These Days don’t play outside like they used to.
We have a core group of 4 families on our street with preschool & elementary kids, and several “allies” with older kids. Sometimes the kids are out alone, sometimes the grownups are hanging out with a drink and chatting, sometimes we have multi-family picnics for dinner and the kids drift in and out, but it’s wonderful to have our little like-minded community. The neighbors know us and know the kids, and I feel OK letting my 6 year old ride around the block with his 8-9 year old friends. I plan on continuing to give them more freedom as they get older, same as I had at their age. There are some new families with kids <2 a little farther down the street, and they're using my same strategy of going for a walk toward the sound of kids playing. I'm on to them, and I'm trying to make sure they feel welcome and comfortable so their kids can join the pack in a couple years.
Anon says
This.
avocado says
I wanted to wait until our daughter was 12 or 13 to let her have a phone/texting/internet access, but for social and logistical reasons we ended up giving in sooner. We used a graduated approach. At the beginning of fifth grade, we let her earn iMessage and e-mail privileges on her existing iPod and iPad by working through a huge chart of chores and responsibilities that took the whole summer. This allowed her to text most of her friends, many of whom had their parents’ old iPhones without SIM cards and were also relying on iMessage. It also limited her texting to times when she was home on wifi. We established strict rules about whom she could text (kids she knows in real life, adults in our family, no non-family adults ever) and regularly read her texts with no warning. At this point she did not have web access on her personal devices and was only allowed to use the web on the family computer with supervision.
When she entered sixth grade, her school expected all the kids to have phones or internet-capable devices to use during class time. We let her take her iPad or her old iPod to school to use on WiFi and enabled Safari. The school’s filters limited some web content access.
When she turned 11 halfway through sixth grade, my husband convinced me that she really needed a phone to keep up socially. I drafted a very detailed agreement covering her privileges and responsibilities related to the phone and her existing iPad, including responding in a timely manner to all parental texts, reporting inappropriate messages, and charging the devices in a designated spot not in her bedroom at night. Her ability to text from anywhere has been very useful. If I’m stuck in traffic on my way to pick up the carpool, I can pull over and text her or have Siri text her to let her know I’m running late. If she wants to stay late after school or get a ride home with a friend, she can text me for permission. When she started coming home by herself after school at age 12, the phone made the whole family more comfortable with the situation (even though we have a landline, it’s nice to know she can text us if she’s locked out, misses the bus, gets into trouble while riding her bike to the drugstore to buy candy, etc.). The ability to text anytime, anywhere has also helped her stay better connected to her friends, including old friends whom she rarely or never sees in person. I still check her text messages and search history, keep her privacy settings locked down, and require approval to download apps.
Anonanonanon says
“I drafted a very detailed agreement” is why I love women on this board! I wish I could hang out with some of you IRL! (Like how I threw in the youth texting slang, there?)
avocado says
I don’t practice, so I have to find other ways to put my law degree to good use. ;)
avocado says
Forgot to add–she has no social media access, which makes her mad. Her dad thinks we should relent when she turns 13, but I say NEVER.
Anonanonanon says
Social media is exactly why cell phones and kids terrify me. At least facebook seems to be phasing out in popularity with the young people, Instagram scares me a bit less (you can follow them on there, and even my friends’ kids who are 16-18 just post what I consider to be silly pictures on there).
Anon says
Huh. Instagram scares me way more because you can post ‘stories’ that disappear and direct messaging is way more common than it is on Facebook, at least among my generation.
Anonymous says
I hate all social media and hope it dies some natural death before my kids are old enough to use it. I realize how unlikely this is.
Anonymous says
My kindergartener recently asked when he gets to have a phone. I told him he can have one when he’s a teenager, then blew his mind telling him that I didn’t get a cell phone until I was 19 because they didn’t even exist when I was a kid. It’s possible I will change my mind before then, but I just don’t think the benefits are worth the bother or potential for misuse. We have a VOIP house phone, and if he’s at a friend’s house, I call or text their parents if I need to check up on him. Mostly I’m working on implementing the same rules I had as a kid. If you’re leaving our yard, tell me 1. where you’re going, 2. who you are going with, 3. what time you will be back.
We are fortunate to live on a quiet street with lots of similar-age kids. Right now my kids don’t go farther than a few houses away, so even if they don’t tell me I can find them pretty easily. But my neighbors are great, and we all remind the kids they need to tell their parents before going in another family’s house. We also have each other’s phone numbers and will text to say “[kid] is here.”
Irish Midori says
I had one friend suggest getting an Echo that can make phone calls via wifi and has a lot of the capabilities I like (play music, audible) without having the phone around. I’m liking that solution. It won’t make him happy, probably, as he just wants a phone because “everyone has one.” I think he sees us with our phones way too much, which I hadn’t really been aware of.
CM says
Tell me about your successful toddler (winter) vacations, please! We’re looking to take our two year-old somewhere for a few days this winter. Ideally a direct (not-too-long) flight or reasonable drive from the East Coast. We’re not big skiers (and I think two is a little young for skis), so we’re currently considering London, Lisbon, or maybe one of the Western national parks – would love to hear other suggestions!
Anonymous says
Lisbon will be miserable in winter. Cold and very wet. London obviously also cold and wet but much more indoor opportunities there- huge museums to explore etc. the western national parks will all have significant closures for snow so I wouldn’t go that route. Have you thought about going South at all? Key West maybe? Bermuda?
CM says
Thanks! I had heard Lisbon was milder in the winter, but wet sounds not great. We’ve considered going South as well, but want to avoid Florida since we’ll be traveling there later for family reasons. Bermuda could be a good option!
NYCer says
You might not care, the Bermuda won’t be that warm in the winter. It’s warm enough for golf and tennis (and obviously much warmer than the East coast in winter), but it’s definitely not beach or pool weather.
What about somewhere in the Caribbean? Turks and Caicos is an easy flight and lovely in winter (as are most islands in that area!). Most resorts have great pools too if your kiddo doesn’t want to spend a ton of time at the beach.
I would definitely not recommend London in the winter. If you’re set on Europe, I think Barcelona or Rome would be better options. I have been to Italy in November, and while it wasn’t warm, it was still only light jacket weather. Those are pretty long flights for a 2 year old for only a few days though.
Anonymous says
I was in Portugal at the end of November. I loved it! It was substantially warmer (and drier) than when I went to London at a similar time.
Anon says
Agree that London has a lot of indoor stuff to do, but from my limited experience traveling with a toddler, it’s really really hard to not be able to go outside and let them run around and burn off energy. A trip filled with museums, theater and high teas sounds great for me as an adult, but would be really challenging with a toddler, I think.
Anon says
Those are kind of the worst time of year to visit all of those places. What about Charleston? New Orleans? San Diego? In Europe, Spain tends to be a bit warmer – I studied abroad in Barcelona and it wasn’t too bad at Christmastime.
Anonymous says
New Orleans is fantastic at the holidays!
Emma says
I went to Barcelona over the holidays and had a great time. YMMV, but I would recommend it – it was beautiful and very pleasant to be outside.
Anonymous says
Bermuda won’t be swimming weather in the winter, especially for a two year old.
Quebec City has a winter carnival that’s nice. Banff has a good mix of skier and non-skier activities but can be pricey in winter. London might be a bit grey but I think it would actually be a great option. Flight isn’t too long from the East Coast and not high season so museums etc won’t be busy.
Anon says
I know conventional wisdom is that beach vacations are really hard at this age but we’ve really enjoyed the Caribbean with our baby/toddler (we went when she was almost 1 and almost 2). Very easy flight from the East Coast and many destinations can be reached non-stop from major East Coast cities.
Callie says
Would you consider Florida? We’ve done Indian Rocks Beach (on the gulfside) the last 3 winters and are already booked for this coming winter (when my kids will be 4, 2, and a 2 month old) and we’ve loved it with kiddos. Nonstop flight to Tampa, we stay in a condo so the kids are in a separate room from us, we do a lot of meals in, swim at the pool and play on the beach, but are close enough for an evening trip one night up to Clearwater to see everything, and spend a day at the Tampa zoo and a morning at “Turtle Park” in Largo (google it). Highly recommend.
Anonymous says
Yeh we had an excellent time in Florida this past year with my 2 year old. Beach was perfect vacation for her and we did a mix of playgrounds/Everglades/shopping. Stayed in Naples
Anonanonanon says
New Orleans- (small but nice zoo, aquarium, won’t be too cold, good food for y’all, streetcar is fun, etc.)
Florida is a big state. I know you said you’re going for family reasons, but consider a different part of Florida. Also, a lot of areas of Florida aren’t very convenient to the beach, so if you’re visiting family and won’t be near a beach, consider it as a separate vacation. We love the Palm Beach area and I have a few recommendations for that area.
Houston says
We went to London in the winter, and TBH, it was a bad time of year to go. It was COLD and rainy, and (most importantly), got dark around 4:30 p.m. every day. That would not be my pick.
Have you looked at Houston? Not a lot of natural beauty, but lots of kid-friendly activities all close together, and very reasonably prices for hotels. The zoo, the Children’s Museum, Hermann Park with the train, are all within a mile or two of each other. November is a great time to visit Texas vs. the rest of the country.
IP Attorney says
Along the lines of some of the Caribbean suggestions, I’ll throw out Aruba – we went last February with our toddler and loved it – direct flight from Boston (about 4.5 hrs) and probably other east coast cities, perfect temperature both in the water and on land, and lots to do for the kiddo (swimming in the calm ocean waters, pool, butterfly garden). Good luck deciding!
Anonymous says
I wouldn’t necessarily rule out Lisbon. We were there over Christmas and it was cool enough to want a light jacket most of the time, but not cold enough to require hats or scarves (so substantially warmer than where we live in the midAtlantic). It was also much less wet than London–it rained maybe 1 of the 10 days we were there, and even then for only part of the day.
If you’re up for 6 hour plane rides I’d suggest San Diego as some place that is mild in winter and has tons of things that are interesting to toddlers and adults alike.
NYCer says
Agree with this re Lisbon weather. One other Lisbon consideration…it is very hilly and not the most stroller friendly city in Europe. Public transport is good, but you might have more fun there in a couple years when your child can walk most of the time (or on a trip sans kids).
Strategy mom says
Don’t love Lisbon in winter. Rome and Tuscany/Florence are great in winter – just enough further south that the weather is meaningfully better
anon says
I’m the poster who wrote a few weeks ago about finding an amazing job opportunity that would come with a commute that I would, frankly, find pretty awful. (It would be 60-75 minutes one way, all car commuting. Part city driving, part highway, no mass transport available.) Well, I decided to apply for it anyway, just to see what happens. It’s that good of an opportunity. I have a phone interview today. I’m still as ambivalent as ever about the commute part. Should I get an offer, I would try to negotiate for a partial WFH arrangement, but my sources at this organization tell me that’s fairly unprecedented. :(
I don’t know whether to psych myself up for the interview, or hope they pass on me, just so I don’t have a difficult decision to make.
Anonanonanon says
Congrats on the interview! 100% psych yourself up for it, it’s still valuable to make a great impression in an interview, even if you end up not accepting the job! Go for it like you want it, and cross that bridge when you get there.
drpepperesq says
convince them that you’re worth making an unprecedented arrangement for, because you are!! good luck!
HSAL says
I’ve got a week off between jobs the first week of July. My husband is also off that week and with the exception of July 4th, the kids will still be going to daycare. What would be on your to-do list? I’m thinking one or two movie matinees, unpacking the final few boxes from our move last year, a few hours at the pool, and (at least) a solid day of binging a tv show. I’d like a good balance of productivity and relaxation, but the new job will be three days a week (for the same pay, yay!) so maybe a little lighter on the productivity. Other ideas I’m not thinking of?
Anonymous says
I’d go on vacation. Why not? Live a little!
HSAL says
My parents are coming the following week to help me with the kids while he’s out of town for work, so they aren’t available to watch the kids. And taking three kids 3 and under on vacation basically makes it the anti-vacation.
anon says
a new job that is less time for the same pay?!?! i’m jealous! what do you do for a living? mani/pedi? massage?
ElisaR says
massage. every day massage. (kidding. kind of)
Anonanonanon says
-Evaluate your wardrobe to see if it meets your new job and go shopping for anything that’s missing
-Definitely binging TV shows or podcasts, maybe even read a book by the pool!
-Try a coffee shop or eccentric doughnut place or whatever that you’ve seen on instagram but didn’t want to drag kids to
-Try out a new workout class
-Meet a friend/colleague for lunch near their office
Anonymous says
Do one fun ‘staycation’ type thing each day. And with 3 kids I would take turns having some individual time with them. Pick up early or drop off late. It’s so hard to fit individual time into regular routine.
HSAL says
Agreed, and that’s the plan once I start the new job, but this week is just for me. :)
Anon says
Wow congrats on the new gig, I’m super jealous. 3 days/week would be my ideal situation I think. Working full time is way too much, but I’d be bored as a SAHM.
Definitely go to the movies! I’d go more than once, personally, but we basically never go to the movies anymore so they’re a weirdly huge treat for me. Mani-pedi or massage. All the books. Lunches with spouse or friends. Day drinking outside somewhere. And I’m a dork but I’d probably spring my kid from daycare one day and hit up a children’s museum or zoo on a less crowded weekday – I see how that’s daunting with 3 though. Maybe leave your younger ones in daycare and just do a special day with the older one?
Dlc says
I like to do a weekday dinner party/ play date when I am between jobs. I have the time to prepare food and make sure the house is minimally tidy and I think my friends who work during the week are happy to not have to cook on a weeknight.
Anonanonanon says
We have a dear friend (she has worked with my husband for years so they’ve been friends, but she’s transitioning to being more of my friend now that he’s married) who works half-time now that she has two young kids. she’ll sometimes invite us over semi-last-minute to grill with their family etc. on a weeknight, and we love it! The kids love it as well, it’s a nice disruption to our usual routine!
Spirograph says
Please tell me more about this 3 day a week job! How did you get it? Was it advertised as 3 days a week, or did you negotiate that?
I think your free week plan sounds great. I would definitely throw in mani/pedi and a massage, and probably a workout and a nap each day. I’d probably go to a museum or something one day WITHOUT the kids, because I am a nerd and like to read more about the exhibits than I’m able to with kids in tow.
HSAL says
This was very much a “who you know” and good timing thing. I wasn’t looking for a new job. I currently work in a pretty specialized area in state government (law). I love the work and am as high up as I could be in this area. I knew that any job that paid me more would also make me work a lot more, so I had resigned myself to dying here, but told a friend that I wanted to work part-time in a couple years when my oldest went to kindergarten. I made a joke about working at her firm (I’m also friends with one of the partners) and a few nights later they called me to say “hey, why wait two years?” The firm has grown quite a bit and they needed additional help, but not necessarily a full-time position. So I’m billing 17-18 hours a week. For now it’s three full days a week and when my daughter goes to kindergarten we’ll make it four or five short days.
It all happened pretty quickly and I asked my husband “Did I just get a new job because they like me and assume I’m competent? Is this what white men feel like?”
Anonanonanon says
I got my most recent job in a similar way, and had the exact same thought! “So this is what it feels like to be a member of the good ol’ boys club!”
Anonymous says
Congratulations to you both! Liking someone and assuming they’re competent is a really good reason to hire people, imho. The two friends I referred worked out much better than many unknowns I’ve hired based on the interview, etc process alone.
Off to work on my networking…
Emily S. says
I would read a novel in my quiet, empty house, in my comfiest lounge clothes, eating cereal out the box and ice cream for lunch if I felt like it. Hours of uninterrupted reading and not worrying about feeding other people are the 2 things I miss most about my pre-kid life.
What I would actually probably do, though, is something what you have in mind: some organization, some chores, some leisure. Is it time for a toy purge or toy rotation? Clothes need to be examined for what fits and what will need to be replaced before the season is out? I love kids-in-daycare-but-I’m-off days to purge their closets and toy chests and take them to the resale store or Goodwill. I also like to bunch the chores near the beginning of the week/day, when I have energy, so I can really relax and enjoy the deserved me time after the chores are done. Enjoy the heck out of this week!
Anonymous says
This sounds awesome. I’d go out to breakfast at a nice place with my husband, definitely mani/pedi, and DH and I would go on a hike – we still hike with DD but it’s not exactly the same. We’d also probably do all the yard work and housework just because that’s who we are…
Home for bedtime says
Two nights a week, every week, DH and I have to work late enough that we both miss bedtime and our nanny puts DS to bed. He is 10 months now and much more aware of what is going on, so I’m starting to feel guilty about this arrangement. Is this just mom guilt or something we should do our best to avoid?
layered bob says
I think that’s something you need to decide for yourself. There was the week-in-the-life poster a while back who never sees her child for bedtime, which she is ok with but I definitely would not be.
I personally did bedtime every single night of the first year of each of my children’s lives, and either me or my husband did bedtime for every night of the second year. That’s important to me, and I think it was important to them, and having that commitment was a good reminder to keep the other parts of my life in service to my family, which is compatible with my considered values.
For me “mom guilt” is usual a reminder to more carefully consider the needs of my children, even when those needs are incompatible with my desires. Any time I’ve felt guilty it was because I knew I was not prioritizing the things that are actually important to me. I’m a BigLaw transactional attorney so not a SAHM or anything (although I might like to be someday), but I don’t feel guilty when I have carefully considered whether our lifestyle is actually reflective of our values, and taken steps to change it if not.
If you want to have a parent home for bedtime, if that is a need you observe in your child and it is compatible with your family’s values to meet that need in your child, then think carefully about ways to make that happen. If not, then it’s not, and you don’t have to feel guilty about it.
anne-on says
So, first, kudos for this VERY kind, sane, and measured response. Agree, it totally depends on what works for you and your family. I think my husband missed bed time for a solid 50% of my child’s life for the first year due to traffic and babies going to sleep early. He missed that time and so did more of the morning shift and still does, which works great for night owl me.
What I’ve found as my kid gets older is to lean all in on the quality time. So, I may have to skip the morning school run, but then I make sure I’m not missing dinner/bedtime – and really ignore work/phone/screens during this time. Or vice versa – all in on breakfast/cuddles/school run but gym or work late instead of family dinner. I’ve also had very little push back in declaring 6-7:30 (or so) ‘family time’ and then working before or after that. That good solid chunk of evening time makes me feel more connected to my son and he values it too, but I think you can achieve the same thing in the AM or another time if that’s more feasible for your schedule.
anon says
your son will be fine! this is just your mom guilt. do you recall who put you to bed when you were 10 months old? i actually think it is good for kiddo! i’m home for bedtime every night with our twins, mostly solo bc DH works late, and i think they are becoming too dependent on needing me to put them in their cribs. my in-laws are visiting this week and one did not want my mil to put her down in her crib for bedtime. Does DS like your nanny? we have a nanny as well and while my twins get upset when i leave in the morning (for like 10 seconds), they also get upset when the nanny leaves at the end of the day. as kiddo gets older, he might notice more, but bedtime will also get later, so depending on how late you get home, he might still be up.
Anonanonanon says
I think there’s way too many factors and variables we aren’t aware of to give you an answer. I think it’s very child dependent and the need may change as your child grows and develops. Some wouldn’t care, some will be distraught.
I think it also depends on what you mean by “have” to work late. If there’s truly no way you could stagger your late nights, or lean out a tiny bit to cut back, or get home for bedtime then log in remotely, etc. then it is what it is and there’s no use even thinking about feeling guilty.
Anonymous says
I think it depends on your kid. My 2 year old loves bedtime because of the undivided attention he gets from me or my husband, and the cuddles with us help him go to sleep happy and calm which means fewer night wakings. It also seems to be when he wants to ask us things/tell us things, so we’d miss that opportunity if we didn’t put him to bed. The fact that you’re asking the question suggests that there might be another option for you, and if there’s a way either you or your husband can trade off working late in order to be home for your kid’s bedtime I think you should make it a priority as your kid’s bedtime routine can develop into an important touchstone for both of you.
AwayEmily says
Spending quality time with your kid where you do familiar rituals and have affectionate time one-on-one is important. For lots of families, this is bedtime — but it could occur at other times, too. For example, every morning my 17mo gets up twenty minutes earlier than his 3yo sister, and we spend that time snuggling on the couch, eating toast, and reading books. It’s one of my favorite parts of the day. So, my advice is to think about what you want bedtime to mean, both for you and for him (snuggles? quiet time? routine? talking about your day?), and then figure out ways to reproduce that at other times of day.
Pogo says
Agree with all others that it is up to you whether you should let this bother you. Is it bothering you because of society? the patriarchy? Then who cares! Does it make you really sad and gloomy that you miss bedtime? That’s different.
We both miss bedtime 1-2x a week for various reasons. Usually the other parent is there instead, but not always. There was a period where kiddo was aware that someone else had put him to bed, and he’d ask where that person was the next morning (grandma, babysitter) and we explained they slept at their house. Now he’s basically over it, and I think understands the concept. I don’t think we’ve ever left after we put him to bed and he woke up to someone different the next day – that one might still throw him for a loop! I don’t feel guilty because he has so many people in his life who love him – us, grandparents, and babysitter (+ literally babysitter’s entire family). Just wanted to share that it can be totally fine to miss bedtime 2x a week!
OP says
Thanks for the very thoughtful replies. I am already leaning out quite a bit, working part time and only in the office those two days, so I also get a good amount of time with DS (quality and quantity). DS’s early bedtime and my/HD’s commute means one of us would have to leave at 5 to be home for bedtime on the days I work. It’s doable, but I’m in midlaw and it feels hard for me to say I only work two days *and* have to leave at 5. DH is in biglaw, up for partnership, and while also at least theoretically doable to be home for bedtime and then work from home, 5 pm where he works is like mid-afternoon in terms of meetings, so it would be tough. I would think he could make it work once a week and maybe that would assuage my guilt a little:) Fwiw, this has been the routine as long as DS can remember and he isn’t objecting, its just that bedtime feels to me like something that should generally be mom or dad.
Anonymous says
I think that context matters a lot. I wouldn’t want to miss bedtime twice a week on the regular but I also work fulltime so my core time with kids is between 7-8:30am and 5:30-8:30pm. If you’re only working two days a week then you’re getting lots of time with your kid at other times and I would be fine with missing bedtime in that scenario.
Anonymous says
My kid turns 3 at the end of July. I’m looking at a couple party options and one is at our local children’s museum. There’s 45 minutes in the party room, then the kids can go off an explore the museum. We’ve been to a couple of these parties and it seems like the reverse of a typical party where you, say, go to a gymnastics thing, do some activities, then have pizza and cake and everyone goes home. Has much less of a “party” feel, but my kid always likes them because she likes the museum itself.
But with the kids being 3, maybe the 45 minutes in the party room (30 minutes for some organized activity, 15 for cake?) is enough? What kind of activity would work well for 3 year olds in a relatively small party space?
Or, I can do it at a gymnastics place. Maybe that’s my answer.
Anonymous says
My son wasn’t really into “activities” at parties other than running around playing until he was at least 5 or 6. I think 45 minutes in the party room is PLENTY. The kids could travel through the museum together in a pack.
Anon says
I think 45 minutes in the party room is plenty and as a parent I would much prefer a museum to a gym-type place. I think if you have pizza and cake and a few party decorations it will have plenty of “party feel”!
rakma says
I’d love to go to that party for a 3 year old. If it’s a party your kid has liked, it sounds pretty perfect.
For activities, the big hits seem to be the sticker activities where you make a face, and any variation of pin the tail on the donkey.
Your kid may not be as opinionated as mine was at 3 (and always, let’s be real) but for her, it was not a birthday party unless there were hats, a cake with candles, and those party blower noisemaker things. It could be a random Tuesday, if all those elements were there it was a birthday party, but the most elaborate party would not be a birthday party if there was ice cream instead of cake.
avocado says
I wouldn’t plan any activities in the party room other than cake. It takes a surprising amount of time to get kids that little to sit down, sing the birthday song, and eat cake. And one of the main reasons of outsourcing a birthday party is that activities are provided, so why take on the hassle of leading a game or craft? If cake takes less than 45 minutes, can they just start playing in the museum early?
As a parent I’d much rather host a gymnastics party than a museum party, unless the museum party came with enthusiastic teenagers to entertain the kids the way a gymnastics party does.
shortperson says
we did the same thing for my child’s 3 yo party. we had an hour in the party room. it was a dino themed party so i brought the following activities: dino dig (bought bones on etsy, buried them in sand), decorating wood dinos with paint sticks and various gluables (googly eyes, pom poms), facepainter that the museum provided (we paid separately for). we did cake for the final 15 minutes in the room which was more than enough time. it was a tremendous hassle to organize these activities and then bring them and set them up in the half hour we got before the party started, but i think it was the right amount. every kid had just enough time to do everything and not get bored. the childrens museum provided two teenagers to help wtih setup which was great. but it was expensive becuase we had to pay for each attendee, and many 3 year olds came with a sibling and two parents, which came to $50 per such child. the kids had a great time playing in the museum together afterwards. so overall it was a great party but we have not been back there for another one.
NYCer says
To be honest, I would probably just do it at the gymnastics place. I feel like those parties are always the most successful/fun/easy parties for the preschool crowd.
lsw says
It’s a children’s museum, right? They will have plenty to do! I think this sounds awesome and I would love to attend this party with my soon to be three year old.
SC says
I’ve enjoyed the birthday parties at our local children’s museum! I would just plan to have snacks and juice as people arrive, then sing and have cake about 15 minutes after the start time. You could have an activity for the kids while people are arriving–either a group thing or just something like stickers or Water Wow at the place setting (which would then be the favor). After that, the museum itself is the activity. Does the museum allow the kids to go play/explore if you’re done in the party room early?
I’d note on the invitation that the party room and cake will be available at the beginning of the party, rather than the end, to encourage people to arrive on time. (Since it’s usually the reverse, I don’t worry much about arriving late but always plan to stay until the end of a party.)
avocado says
Someone in the office ordered a pizza and I can smell it. The fancy salad I made myself for lunch now seems like a sad desk salad. I want pizza.
ElisaR says
this internet stranger gives you permission!
Anonymous says
This one too. I know the sad desk salad + delicious smell from someone else’s lunch feeling well, and I’ve never regretted getting a side of a pizza slice to accompany my salad!
Anonanonanon says
I try to wait 24 hours when things like that happen. If I’m still thinking about pizza the next day, i get it!!
ElisaR says
but then it will be all cold and rubbery
Anon says
Eat the pizza!
Coach Laura says
This is common for me and a good/bad result of being celiac and not being able to eat the random pizza, donuts or cake in the lunchroom. Good in that I don’t have to work hard to resist the temptation. Bad because I sure miss being able to grab a slice and boy does it smell good.
Anon says
For those of you who send your kids to daycares that provide food, do you ever send it backup food for your kid to eat if they don’t like the meals? And how does that work – do you send non-perishable things that can keep to the next day if your kid ends up eating the school’s meal? I have a fairly picky toddler and she’s quite unpredictable in her pickiness, so I don’t think we’ve reached the point where I can say “oh it’s turkey wraps for lunch, she’ll eat that so I don’t need to send a lunch.” I don’t want her to go hungry if she randomly decides not to eat the school food, but I also hate food waste.
Emily S. says
This is probably up to your daycare. My daycare provides food and we’re not allowed to send in food, because they want all the kids eating the same thing so the kids are more likely to try lima beans, the teachers don’t have to explain why Susan is special and gets something from home, etc. It’s also one less thing you have to think about — lightening the mental load FTW! You can ask your daycare, but they might have a hard rule in place. (FWIW, I worried about this with my own kids. It’s been fine. 4 years in, DD either eats what is served, eats around what she doesn’t like, or eats the provided back-up Nutri-grain bar. If she’s gone hungry, I haven’t heard about it.) This also is one area where I struggled to accept that daycare teachers knew what they were doing and it’s actually been great for her palate and my mental load.
Anonymous says
My picky almost kindergartener ate what daycare served every day for the last 4 years. At home, she skips meals on a semi regular basis. I don’t send other food, and I don’t serve other food. She doesn’t have any health issues. If she’s hungry she’ll eat, and eating what you’re served (even though you didn’t pick it) is a life skill. Frankly, I think peer pressure helps the picky ones eat at school.
If school food wasn’t healthy, I’d reevaluate.
Pogo says
We have to send food but if I didn’t, I would absolutely not send back-up. Mine eats better in general for other people, and if he sees other kids eating something he’s much more likely to try it.
Spirograph says
Never. At daycare, “you get what you get, and you don’t get upset.” If my kids don’t eat the lunch that’s provided, they’ll be hungry until snack or dinner time. However, they almost always eat the daycare food. Kids aren’t as picky when peer pressure is in play.
Quail says
No. We’ve just had him eat the provided lunch ever since he started at the food-providing daycare at 2.5 years – at his prior daycare, we had to provide food. I trust that if my child is really not eating the lunch, the teacher will tell me, and that’s never occurred. Or now that my child is 4, he can tell me. Peer pressure can be pretty strong so I am sure there are things he eats at daycare that he would not eat at home – which to my mind is a good thing.
Not having to pack food has increased my quality of life and the smoothness of our mornings by like 1000000%. With my kid, I could see a slippery slope of providing an “emergency” lunch that turns into me making lunch every day. But every kid is different!
anon says
No, and doubt daycare would even allow that (food allergies would be an exception, of course).
aelle says
That’s right, our daycare explicitly asks that we do not send food and do not feed snacks on the premises during pickup or dropoff. The group dynamic makes it much easier for them to get all 30 toddlers to eat the same thing and eat well, and any disruption like outside snacks for just one child makes things harder for everyone, children included. Some days my child is very hungry by snack time, but that’s okay.
SC says
My daycare provides food, and I consider it one of the best things about our daycare! I do not send back up food, and I wouldn’t unless there were a health issue (low weight, allergy, etc.). My kid has tried and likes lots of things at daycare that I don’t even know about–we were looking for edamame in the grocery store this weekend, and he said, “I eat that at school!”, and apparently, he loves it!
Most days, Kiddo eats a big lunch (according to his teachers) and very little dinner. Some nights, we notice he’s unusually hungry, and I’ll look up what they served for lunch and think, “Yeah, I bet he hated that.” They get 2 snacks during the day too, so it all works out. And some nights, he eats NO dinner, and we mention it to his teachers to make sure he’s not sick/starving, and they inform us that he ate 3 servings of his favorite meal the day before.
CPA Lady says
Nope. She either eats it or doesn’t. They stopped giving us reports after age 2, so I don’t even know if she’s eaten or not. I don’t worry about it. She is healthy as a horse, eats a wide variety of foods, and hasn’t starved yet. I’m planning on doing the same thing once she gets to elementary school. I am so grateful to not have to deal with it.
Anonymous says
Never and I don’t read the menus anymore. I can usually tell when they’ve had tacos because the twins will be practically too full for supper. With two snacks and lunch at daycare, they won’t go hungry.
Enjoy the food freedom while you can. The school years are a lot of work on lunches – even if you have a cafeteria, kids realize they can bring from home and they are more particular about what they eat.
EB says
I will cosign the other responses and don’t really have anything additional to add, but wanted to chime in as well. I will say that my son is 2.5 and the school has never once told us there was nothing in the lunch he would eat (they serve sides of fruit or veg too I think) or asked us to send back up food. I think if it was an issue, the teachers would tell you.
Books about dads? says
Any suggestions for board books about dads? We have lots of mama-focused books that my daughter is very into reading but no equivalent Dad books.
Pogo says
A huge favorite in our house is: Helping Daddy (Baby Bunny Board Book) Board book by Atsuko Morozumi. I wouldn’t say it’s “about” dads but it features a dad bunny.
My son asks for it ALL the time and the way he grabs it and says “daddy hewlp?” in his little toddler lisp is so cute. It’s the first book that he has referred to by title ever!
Karen Kane also has some daddy board books.
Anonymous says
Guess How Much I Love You
Ten, Nine, Eight by Molly Bang (no words about the dad, but the dad is putting the child to bed)
shortperson says
mister seahorse
Anonymous says
There’s a Llama Llama one about Nelly Gnu and her dad. It’s super cute. Nelly Gnu and Daddy, Too
https://www.amazon.com/Nelly-Gnu-Daddy-Anna-Dewdney/dp/0670012270