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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Anonymous says
Anyone had a toddler who’s too shy to ask to go pee? She’s potty trained as long as we or her teachers take her regularly, but she will never say if she had to go otherwise and will instead have an accident. We’ve tried talking about how her twin brother and all her daycare classmates ask and she agrees that they do but says she can’t. We’ve also tried practicing and she will sometimes be willing to practice whispering “Mommy, I need to pee” but won’t even practice asking her teachers.
Is this just a wait it out and eventually she’ll ask thing or are there other tips to try?
Anonymous says
Can she use a non verbal signal? Like if she needs to go, she hands her teacher a particular block that is kept in plain sight somewhere convenient to the bathroom.
Anonymous says
Hmm, that’s an interesting idea that I hadn’t thought of! Thanks.
Anonymous says
Or even just kid sign language. Cool idea, 9:36 Anon!
Anonymous says
I was a painfully shy kid myself and remembered it being easy to just pick up the bathroom pass (which was, incredibly oddly, a large wooden carrot) and hand it to the teacher.
IHeartBacon says
This is exactly what I was going to recommend.
Anonymous says
Would it help to frame it differently so asking seems like a more positive thing? Maybe have the teacher talk with your daughter and tell your daughter that part of the teacher’s job is to help all the kids go to the potty when they need to. Then teacher can ask “Can you help me do my job and ask when you need to go to the potty? It would help me so much because I love doing my job and making sure the kids can go potty when they need to.”
I cringe at the thought of your little girl thinking that helping out the teacher would be more important than asking for her own needs, but I know some kids where this approach would be helpful.
I also like the nonverbal cue mentioned above.
And I definitely think she will outgrow this relatively quickly, but that doesn’t make it any less hard to deal with the situation now.
Anonymous says
Roll playing sometimes helps my kid in the different situations. It’s also important to take turns in the different roles. So role play with you as the kid asking and her as the teacher.
Anon says
Am in the thick of it with a 3.5 year old and 3 week old. Feeling weepy and overwhelmed. I know this is normal adjustment + baby blues, and am paying attention to see if it gets into the realm of PPD. But am looking for folks who have been there/done that and have any advice/words of encouragement for getting through next few months.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I’m now 8 months out with a baby + 3 year old, but in the first few weeks, the following helped me: Keep the toddler in fulltime daycare/preschool. I think the first few weeks/months would have been much much more stressful trying to watch two, especially when they are so little. Try to nap when you can during the day. If this means that no chores get done, then so be it. Outsource whatever you can afford. Have family or a babysitter come for a few hours each week. That let me get outside solo and relax for a bit. Take walks with the baby everyday if possible – the weather is nice now so hopefully you can make that happen. The fresh air and exercise is key. For the nighttime routine, my husband did most of the work of taking care of the toddler while I focused on the baby – not sure if that’s an option for you.
Hang in there. It’s tough.
GCA says
+1 to all of this. 10 months out with a baby and 4 year old, but was in your shoes last year. Outside time and sunshine saved me, as well as joining local mom meetups and parent/baby yoga classes. Is there anything specific that you feel is overwhelming you, or just general adjustment? (Which is not to diminish it – it is HARD.)
Anonymous says
+1 to older kid in full time childcare.
In a few weeks, when you’ve got a better handle on things, you can pick up early if you want but for right now, just worry about yourself and baby during the day.
try to leave the house every day, even if it’s just for a 20 minute walk around the block
anon says
This is probably contrary to any professional advice, but when I got weepy with the baby blues, I ate some Haagen Daz. It gave me and my husband something to do. If he was around, he would get the ice cream for me, and it kept him from standing around looking like a deer in headlights. After a few weeks, we stopped needing it.
Anonymous says
In the words of Stuart Smalley, ” I would never ordinally say this, but… is there any way you can get to a pound cake?”
Sending hugs (and sweets) to you OP – I only have one, but I remember those weeks being really tough. Hang in there!
anon says
I LOVE your honesty. We really do need some kind of pick me up during these times.
IHeartBacon says
I love this. Sometimes you just need something to DO, even if that something doesn’t accomplish much other than giving you something to do …
AwayEmily says
It’s a tough period for sure. My advice: try to leave the house by yourself and do Normal Person Things, even if it’s only for an hour. Leave the kids with your partner and go grocery shopping, or wander around Target, or meet a friend for a quick lunch. Doing stuff like this was ENORMOUSLY restorative for me, because it reminded me of my non-mom identity and put the drama of baby-plus-toddler in perspective.
Anon says
I cried SO MUCH the weeks after the birth of my daughter and most of the time, I had no idea why. At that time, I thought it was my new normal but the post-partum hormones eventually evened themselves out and I became a (semi) normal person again. I was very prepared to talk about PPD at my 6 week visit but by the time it came around, I felt much better. Know that the end may be in sight BUT never hesitate to reach out to your ob/gyn sooner than 6 weeks to seek help. You have two kids to take care of and that’s a lot and I’m sure you’re doing awesome, but take care of yourself as well.
Ifiknew says
No advice but In the same boat with a 2 year old and 2.5 week old. The 2 year old hadn’t started school yet and will in the fall an we have a few hours of help daily, but my husband goes back next week and I have no idea how I’ll do bedtime solo etc. This is hard stuff, so many hugs.
Anonymous says
maybe look into a mother’s helper? Someone on the main site was posting about what to do with their 12 year old during the summer and mother’s helper was one activity suggested.
ElisaR says
hang in there! it’s so hard when the baby is so NEW and little. I think things got better around 6 weeks.
Anon says
It doesn’t get fully dark in our area until 10 pm now, and it’s really messing with my toddler’s bedtime. If we put her down before about 9:30 pm, she thinks it’s a nap and wakes up an hour or two later. We have blackout curtains but they don’t make her room pitch black so she still has some sense of whether or not it’s light outside. We’ve been on one nap for several months, but have resorted to a second late afternoon/early evening nap and then just putting her down for bed around 10 pm, but then we have to wake her up in the mornings, which I feel really bad about. Plus if toddler doesn’t go down until 10, the earliest I can get to bed is about midnight, so I’m exhausted. Any advice? Also can it be September now? Ughh I loved these long summer nights until I had kids, but they’re killing me now.
Anonymous says
We have a blackout shade with blackout curtains over them in kiddo’s room.
Here is the shade: https://blinds.lowes.com/product/detail.action?sku=Levolor-Cellular-Shades&groupName=Blackout-and-Darkening&xdata-width=24&xdata-height=36
We have the light grey in room darkening. The curtains are cheapies from Amazon. Using both together makes a huge difference. It could help your situation.
Anonymous says
What happens if when she wakes up after an hour or two and you just say, it’s night time, and put her back to bed? I think if you stick to it for a few days and cut out the extra afternoon nap she might adapt.
Anon says
We tried – she’ll lie in her crib awake but happy for a while and then get really impatient that we’re not playing with her and start crying. When she naps she needs to be up for a minimum of ~3 hours before she can fall back asleep so it really disrupts the night. She’s only 15 months so it’s hard to communicate verbally. I hope next year will be better because we can explain that it’s bedtime even though the sun is still up.
Anonymous says
Oh, if she’s 15 months this may be at least partially a sleep regression. That was a really tough time for us – I’m murky on the details but I vividly remember my son waking up at 5 am on our summer vacation and saying in his crib, “UP! BYE BYE! UP! BYE BYE!” Between learning to talk and walk there is a lot going on developmentally. Good luck!
Anon says
Definitely black those windows all the way out. Makes a huge difference. We use these EZ shades (link below). They are velcro/removable for when it’s not summer, but we use them year-round (helps with early wake ups and naps too!). They will make the room pitch-black!
https://www.amazon.com/Blackout-EZ-Window-Cover-Small/dp/B00ALDZ218/ref=asc_df_B00ALDZ218/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=309857335410&hvpos=1o1&hvnetw=g&hvrand=7463277508896075354&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9007283&hvtargid=pla-568869589321&psc=1&tag=&ref=&adgrpid=64309076760&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvadid=309857335410&hvpos=1o1&hvnetw=g&hvrand=7463277508896075354&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9007283&hvtargid=pla-568869589321
rosie says
I agree with the above posts about better black out curtains. Also, what is your bedtime routine like? For us, some is the same as nap — books, songs (although usually more of each at bedtime) — but then we also talk about how it’s time for bed, say goodnight, mommy and daddy will be sleeping in our bed and will see her when it’s time to wake up in the morning, etc. Sometimes my toddler likes to look out her window & we talk about how everyone else is going home and getting ready for bed. I was worried how this would go over when it is clearly still light outside (7:30), but she still likes doing it and then the room is dark once we close the blinds and curtains. If you don’t live somewhere where you can see people out the window, maybe say night night to the animals?
I’m wondering if she’s getting overtired and having trouble staying asleep for that reason? One nap at that age and a late bedtime seems like it could be causing that, although obviously all kids are different. Hopefully better window coverings will help with that if it’s part of the issue.
Anon says
Fair point about the bedtime routine – we don’t really have one. We just change her into her pajamas and sleep sack, say good night and put her in the crib. We should probably start more of a routine.
I don’t think she’s overtired because we’ve tried putting her down as early as 5 pm (she naps from 12-2 at school) and the same thing happens – she wakes up after a couple of hours ready to hang out with us for hours. And on weekend we don’t wake her up in the morning and she sleeps super late and the same thing happens at night. If anything it’s worse when she sleeps in.
Anonymous says
We have a super simple bedtime routine that we started around 12 months and it seems to work, so I’d suggest trying that! Ours is change diaper, into pjs, to bathroom to brush teeth, back to bedroom to read 1 book while snuggling on the rocking chair, turn light off and music on, get into sleepsack, get into crib, parents leave room.
CCLA says
As painful as it is, I would wake her on the weekends within 30 minutes of when her weekday wake up time is, cut the late afternoon nap, and experiment with an early-side bedtime (like 6-7…late enough it’s not in nap territory), but ultimately try to be consistent putting her down within 30 minutes of the same time each night (eg 6-7 if normal time is 630), and getting same approximate nap start time on weekends as weekdays. Also consider a hatch light or similar okay to wake clock and use for both naps and night so she gets used to the concept of the differences between wake up and sleeping times.
Totally also agree with the ultra blackout suggestions above, but if you can build in consistent sleep routines it will hopefully give you more flexibility to get good sleep even when you’re somewhere that doesn’t offer total blackout! Hugs to you – kid sleep can be so hard!
Anonymous says
5pm is super early. Can you let her nap for 15-20 mins on the way home, do dinner, then some fresh air time before bed. Fresh air always knocks my kids out.
rosie says
Yeah, it doesn’t need to be an elaborate routine. Ours is: teeth, bath (sometimes), diaper + PJs + sleepsack, as many books and songs as she can cajole us into, bed. If she resists going to bed, I tell her I need to take a shower and get myself ready for bed to reinforce routines and that I am going to bed soon too.
Pogo says
I think this is also an area where the OK to wake can help. We have a pretty firm “no going in after bedtime” rule, but in the morning if I see kiddo was up tossing and turning, I remind him that “if your light isn’t green, that means it’s still night night and you have to try to sleep”.
With it being light later we also have to hide the fact that we go back outside, because he gets FOMO and he’ll stand up and try to look out the window to see DH if he hears the weedwacker going or something. I’ve tried to convince DH to keep it down for a half hour or so after bedtime so kiddo believes it is night time, even though it’s still light out and we might do more yard work.
IP Attorney says
+1 to the OK to Wake clock. If our 19 month old gets up at all at night or in the morning before the light turns green, she now knows to try and sleep because we’re not going back in there (or in the morning, to just chill and wait but she usually falls back asleep). There was some crying and whining when we first implemented it but its an amazing invention for us.
Anonymous says
How old is she? We just got an ok to wake clock for my 4 year old. It has a little face.
When the clock face sleeps, my daughter knows it’s time to sleep. If the face is sleeping when my daughter wakes up, she knows it is time to go *back* to sleep. If it’s yellow, it’s time to play quietly in bed. If it’s green, it’s ok to get up for the day!
Life. Changing.
AK says
Hi from Alaska… it’s never really dark in the summer. We tape tinfoil over our kids (and our own!) windows in the summer, plus blackout curtains.
Ifiknew says
My 2 year old has been waking 1 to 3x nightly after the birth if her brother 2.5 weeks ago. She always cycles thru weeks of sleeping and weeks of not, so not sure if this related to baby. husband will start traveling for work next week and I’ll have to deal with newborn and toddler night waking. Should I shorten her nap? She only naps for 90 minutes and seems tired, so not sure if that’s the right move but getting desperate. When we go in, she goes back down immediately but we’ve also had weeks where she’s screaming to get out of crib etc. Before baby
Also, any tips on what to do w newborn when putting toddler to bed? I’m trying to wear him but that makes it hard to cuddle her or lift in crib etc. My husband usually works late or travels so I’ll be doing bedtime solo.
Anonymous says
I usually put newborn to bed, then toddler. And I’m a super early bedtime person so in my view toddler needs more sleep not less.
Anonymous says
I only have a 6 month old and no toddler, so can only offer advice about the what to do with newborn question. At 2.5 weeks is the baby happy to nap/snooze independently while you put your toddler down? At that age my daughter slept almost all the time when she wasn’t eating. I would put the newborn in a safe place (his bassinet or a pack n play) and let him sleep while you put the toddler down. If you want him in the same room as you, you could bring a boppy lounger or similar into your daughter’s room and lay him on that while you cuddle with your daughter.
Good luck! You can do it! Sending lots of hugs and support!
CCLA says
This was the worst time – I did this solo a lot – it got way better when newborn sleep shifted earlier and could put the baby to bed first, which happened around 3 months IIRC. Until then, my most successful approach was to bring a baby containment device into toddler’s room (I used the rnp before the recall). Baby was mostly content to use a paci and just be near us. But if baby was being extra cranky and screaming, I would put the baby in a safe place like her crib and just power through toddler bedtime super fast, go back and do baby routine, and half the time toddler would stay awake “reading” in the dark so I’d go back right after for more snuggles with her. Once she was consistently still awake after I put baby down, and baby bedtime shifted earlier, it was soooo much easier – we flipped the order and toddler would happily hang out playing at my feet while I fed baby, or they would both get a story in my lap. We probably could have done that flip earlier in retrospect.
Op says
Thank you guys so much. My daughter can’t seem to leave the baby alone line she’s very excited and always touching him etc. Which makes bedtime distracting. Does this get easier as he becomes less novel
CCLA says
Totally gets easier, and then different – my kiddo eventually started saying things like “don’t hold [baby], play with me” a few weeks in, which has since abated, but I think was the natural progression (and was a good reminder to make sure she got enough baby-free time with us). But 8 months in they adore each other, play side by side, older kiddo loves to go greet baby sister in crib first thing every morning and entertain her. It’s so hard those early days, and it’s still harder than it was with just toddler, but their interaction is amazing and I love seeing the sibling relationship grow. You’re not alone, and don’t forget that if one or both is screaming while you’re putting them to bed solo, it’s fine, you’re not doing it wrong, that just happens and it’ll pass (and you’re doing great!).
Anonymous says
Around that same age putting a night light in my older kiddo’s room seemed to help the night wakings, even though she wasn’t articulating that she was afraid of the dark
KW says
My little one is almost 9 mo and we’ve been giving him baby cereal and purees since he was 6 mo. In addition to fruit and veggie purees, he’s also had yogurt, some shredded cheese, tiny pieces of fruit, and scrambled egg. What other foods can I give him to start to transition to “real food”? He has no teeth yet, which seems to make me feel like holding off on different foods until he has teeth, but I’m not sure why or whether that actually makes a difference. He LOVES food, so I would like to give him more table food, but the pieces he gets are so small, that it doesn’t seem to fill him up like cereal and purees do. But I’m BFing, so I know most of his sustenance at this age still comes from B-milk.
Anon says
Teeth don’t make a difference. They mash food with their gums until way later (when they have molars). Just give him soft foods. Anything you can crush between your thumb and forefinger without too much effort should be fine. If you’re super worried about choking, peas are good because they can go down whole (and picking them up is good for hand-eye coordination). That’s how we started whole foods and within a couple of weeks she was eating cut up versions of almost everything we ate.
Anon says
And yeah table food won’t fill him up until he gets good at eating it but as you noted he’s getting sustenance from milk and purees. You can also offer a buffet of table foods and then fill him up with a puree/yogurt after. We did that around 8-9 months since at that age I’m pretty sure my daughter burned more calories eating finger foods than she took in from them.
Pogo says
They don’t actually need teeth to chew, their jaws/gums do the work. At that age I usually offered a little bit of whatever table food we were having, BLW-style. My LO was way less picky at that age, so I am glad I took advantage. He’s always loved fruit, so every meal always has a healthy serving of fruit, too.
anne-on says
This is a great time of year to offer stone fruits/berries! They’re really soft and mushy and fun to grab. I also did a ton of roasted diced sweet potatoes (or lumpy mashed sweet potatoes) at that age. Dr. Praegers has some yummy spinach/zuchini pancakes which were also a huge hit.
Anonymous says
I have found this to be a really great resource about starting solids from a mixed puree and table food approach: https://feedingbytes.com/2015/01/starting-solids-mixed-approach/
We’ve had a great time offering anything that is soft enough to be squished in addition to purees. My daughter loves soft fruits and veggies (broken up berries, match sticks of watermelon, bananas, steamed apples, peas, avocado, steamed squash), soft carbs (noodles, sticks of toast to gnaw on), even small pieces of meat and seafood! I’ve been amazed at how well she’s handled table food starting at 6 months. I do not consider myself a BLW person because I also do purees. We’ve just had fun letting her try anything that seems soft enough and cut into shapes where if a piece breaks off it would not be a choking hazard.
lkuh says
o. Pre-cooked breakfast sausage, cut into pea-sized bites.
o. Bread with peanut butter (v. messy)
o. Cheerios
o. macaroni and cheese/ macaroni with butter and parm
o. peas, steamed caulflower (depending on pincer grasp)
My kid pretty much mashes up food between his gums.
rosie says
We liked the Happy Tots/Happy Baby stuff. They have teething crackers that come in multiple flavors and my kid liked. Bamba if you want to introduce peanuts. I liked several recipes from the BLW cookbook even though we weren’t hardcore BLW people. There is a recipe for lentil/cheese wedges that you can find online to try out.
Anon says
Just an FYI that most commercial teething wafers are a choking hazard (https://www.today.com/health/some-first-finger-foods-baby-are-choking-hazard-study-finds-t89916). If you’re paranoid about choking, it’s much safer to use soft table food cut into very small pieces and avoid the teething wafers completely. My ped said a good test is can you get it broken up/dissolved by using just the roof of your mouth and your tongue, not your teeth.
rosie says
Thanks! I don’t see that they are talking about the wafery ones that dissolve in the mouth though, are they? Super fascinating about the yogurt melts, but totally makes sense that they become marshmallow-like quickly. I also worry about heavy metals in these products, which is why I bought the organic ones but I think it’s probably still a concern with those.
Anon says
The article listed teething biscuits, which I thought was basically synonymous with wafers. I think the point is they dissolve super easily when they’re fresh but most people don’t eat the whole box in one sitting and when they’re more stale they don’t dissolve as easily.
AnotherAnon says
Honestly I’d switch from purees to diced, fully cooked vegetables and see how that goes. Other ideas: shredded chicken, avocado, blueberries (you can mash them if you’re concerned about choking), sweet potato, yellow squash, macaroni and cheese, spaghetti chopped into tiny pieces (super messy) and mine actually loved microwaved frozen okra (yuck!)
ElisaR says
he doesn’t need teeth for food, but it should be easy enough for him to break down with his gums. avocado, meatballs, Dr. Praeger’s fishies, pizza crust (my son’s fav at that age), freeze dried yogurt bites, cheerios, yogurt, really he can eat a lot of stuff at 9 months.
IHeartBacon says
Anything really that can be chopped down into pea-sized pieces and can be mashed with gums:
1. All ground meats (I just browned it in a pan with no salt and a little pepper or some type of no-salt seasoning like Mrs. Dash. I broke down/smashed the meat into tiny pea-sized bits with a wooden spoon while I was browning the meat. I also usually added leafy green vegetables into the ground meats: spinach, kale, swiss chard. I would chop up the leafy greens before adding them to the pain even though I know they will wilt. Chopping them up prevents long stringy pieces that your LO may have difficulty swallowing. I also usually chopped up onions and peppers and added that to the meat as well and any fresh herbs I had on hand. Served in a bowl on a little bed of rice or potatoes and this is a tasty meal indeed, even for adults.)
2. Tofu (straight out of the container; no seasoning)
3. Quinoa (cooked w/no salt)
4. Rice: brown, white, and wild (cooked w/no salt)
5. All squashes: butternut, zucchini, acorn, spaghetti (Steamed, roasted, boiled, or browned in pan with some butter. Cooked w/no seasoning.)
6. All potatoes (prepared the same as squash)
7. Broccoli and cauliflower (steamed until very soft. No seasoning.)
8. Beets (I bought the non-seasoned pre-cooked packets from the produce section)
9. Corn (canned or frozen)
9. Fruit: all berries; grapes cut into pea-sized pieces; kiwi; papaya; avocado; bananas; mango;
10. Oatmeal (steel-cut oats with no sweeteners or seasoning. I added milk and some fresh berries when serving)
The only thing I didn’t give LO at that age was salt, citrus, tomatoes, and cow’s milk. We’re not big pasta eaters so he didn’t get much pasta. His whole grains were in the form of oatmeal, rice quinoa, and grainy breads.
IHeartBacon says
Also fish: salmon and canned tuna packed in water.
anon says
Right around this age we started introducing normal food. Indian curries with rice. Spaghetti with meat sauce. Thick split pea soup. Black bean chili. Corn salad.
Any stewed food can go down pretty well. We did lots of Indian curries at that age because the meat and veggies were soft enough to gum.
Anonymous says
If he doesn’t have a terrible gag reflex like my oldest, really any soft good once he can use a pincer grasp to pick it up. Before that our doctor said not so safe to feed pieces of food. My current baby (10 mo) gets pieces of whatever we are eating that are soft though (beans, peas, eggs, tofu (huge hit) , cooked chopped veggies, chopped fruit, cut—up toast, ground meat, etc). If still hungry, purées or yogurt/cottage cheese and usually an entire banana in little chunks. He’s a very hungry baby and will wake early if he didn’t have enough dinner, so he seriously gets an after dinner banana almost every day.
So Anon says
My 8 year-old ASD son was denied an IEP earlier this week on the grounds that his academics are not suffering yet and he does not have any outward behavioral problems at school. There are so many red flags but because of the failure first model, he was found not to qualify. Now we are pursuing the 504 route. It is so frustrating to see the challenges on the horizon and have the school essentially shrug at us.
Academically, he does not pay attention because he is fixated on his topic of the day (currently the Titanic), but he does fine on tests because he is intelligent enough to know the answers without needing to be taught. He gets incredibly frustrated with any schedule change or anyone not following the rules, but he saves his explosive behavior for home. He complains that he is bored on a daily basis. He has no friendships and does not understand social interactions, but he is only in 2nd grade so the social scene is not too complicated yet. He is incredibly literal and corrects everyone around him, which I can see not going over well with peers in the near future.
At the IEP meeting everyone seemed to acknowledge that there will be challenges ahead and that they will keep an eye for when they hit, but right now they will not qualify him for any assistance. His teacher commented that she has noticed a positive difference in his communication (looking her in the eye) in the last few months, and I totally give credit for that to the hour of OT that he receives every week to address the challenges of ASD. This is so frustrating!
Anonymous says
Does your school have gifted classes that he can access?
Anonymous says
How frustrating! Can you get an advocate involved? My law school had a special education advocacy clinic. Perhaps an advocate could help you either appeal the decision or craft a 504 plan that would get his needs met. There might also be a way to get the school to provide certain services outside of an IEP or 504 plan. At my daughter’s elementary school, the guidance counselor worked with a number of kids individually and in groups on social skills, and I don’t believe they all had formal mandates for services.
Anonymous says
Interesting – I’m wondering if we went to the same law school or if this is just a common topic for law school clinics :-)
Anonymous says
It seems to be a common type of clinic.
anon says
I can relate to having to wait a long time to get services my kid demonstrably needed. For us, it was OT and we paid privately for after-school services until we finally could get the IEP in place. It was expensive, but some of it was covered by our insurance. Can you try private insurance to get what he needs?
Also, in our school, the speech teacher will see lots of kids informally without an IEP, and in addition to pronunciation issues, she also takes 2-4 kids at a time to work on social skills in small groups. Perhaps your school can do a similar informal practice? Honestly, in my school, the fastest way to actually get services is to go the informal route. If you make it a legal case, then they won’t do anything until the entire process is exhausted.
CHL says
Not totally related but my son really has benefited from Sussan Diamond’s Social Rules for Kids books. He’s literal but can understand that there are some rules that everyone seems to know.
Anonymous says
It is beyond frustrating. You are not alone; we have gone through similar struggles in trying to support our similarly-profiled but younger (entering kindergarten) child. Agree with eh230 below that, if it’s a viable option (both financially and time wise), it may be worth looking into private therapy. Can you connect with a group of other local parents who have kids with similar needs, ideally in your school? I belong to a regional facebook group for parents of special needs children and although you need to do a lot of searching through the posts, it can really help figure out the different options and get you more information.
AnotherAnon says
I just wanted to post that I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Getting help isn’t easy and having this on top of everything else – You’ve been through a lot! My heart goes out to you.
Anonymous says
I’ve posted before about my extremely narrow footed toddler. Talked to my MIL from whom my kiddo got her feet and MIL suggested insoles- that’s what she does and has always done to make “regular” shoes fit her narrow flat feet.
1. Is it stupid to try insoles without talking to a doc? I’ve never used them and don’t want to mess up her feet or anything. She has no fair issues.
2. My kid’s feet are narrow but the bigger problem is that the top of her foot is super low, so shoes don’t close right enough for her. The idea from MIL is that adding to the bottom of the shoe helps bridge the gap. Is this nonsense?
3. Any brand recs? She’s a size 8 toddler shoe which of course for most brands is the cusp size between 5-8 and 8.5-11.
And as always, any good narrow shoes for summer? We recently got salt waters and punched 2 extra holes in them so they close. Natives are narrow enough but her foot falls out. We like Pumas for sneakers so are OK there.
Anonymous says
Jambu is very low-volume and would be great for a kid with low arches.
Superfeet or similar insoles will take up volume inside the shoe, but Superfeet don’t come smaller than size 11.5. I’d also be hesitant to put them in a toddler’s shoes without talking to a doctor. Aren’t toddlers supposed to have basically zero arch support to help develop foot strength?
anon says
So I have similar feet, and what your MIL is saying isn’t nonsense, but it also may not work with a child as young as yours. I’d hesitate to try insoles on a toddler.
My daughter’s feet are similar, and I’ve had the best luck with New Balance. (I buy NBs for myself, too.) Sandals are just plain hard. Last year, Keen carried a style called the Moxie that was narrow and not very deep. I think they’ve discontinued it, but you may have luck on the ‘zon or ebay. The Nike Sunray sandal also runs thinner and narrower than most sandals.
I also would check out Plae, as they look narrow to me.
We did a lot of Stride Rite shoes during the toddler years — but I find the widths to be kinda inconsistent, so you may need to try on a bunch.
Anon says
I would talk to a doctor before putting insoles in a toddler’s shoes. Before that though, I would recommend trying a specialty kids shoe store. If you’re in the DC-area, I highly recommend Fit Right Kids Shoes out in Chantilly (worth the drive). They are able to find shoes that fit (and fit well) my wide footed, narrow heeled and tall-footed toddler, and using them to narrow down the choices based on their knowledge of brands and styles, we typically only have to try on 2-3 pairs to get the perfect fit.
rosie says
My gut would be not to mess around with insoles for a kid that young without talking to peds.
Nike had a sandal that had an adjustable backstrap and the top part that held the foot down was also fully adjustable with velcro. I think they are called sunray.
rosie says
I think this year’s version has stiffer fabric, but these look like the ones we liked: https://www.famousfootwear.com/en-US/Product/71603-1019675/Nike/Black_Rush+Pink/Kids+Sunray+Adjust+4+Sandal+Toddler.aspx?cvo_adid=1019675-71580-4.0M&cvo_campaign=General&cvosrc=cse.GoogleShopping.71580&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIwJya_pD24gIVBK7ICh3l6AbWEAQYFiABEgKHPvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds&KPID=1019675-71580-4.0M&partnerid=adwordspla
SC says
Inspired by the post above and suggestions for blackout curtains. What would you do in this situation? Next month, we will be vacationing for somewhere between 7 and 9 days (haven’t confirmed plans yet) at a family member’s beach condo, which is amazing and free. We have been 4-5 times since Kiddo was born, and the same problem occurs every trip–very bright sunlight wakes Kiddo up at 6 am.
The two smaller bedrooms face east, and they both have floor to ceiling windows across a full wall (so, maybe 9′ x 10′ of windows). There are blinds over the windows, but they don’t block all sunlight. The options I’ve come up with are (1) Allow Kiddo to sleep in the south-facing master bedroom with me and DH (there’s plenty of room for an air mattress, and it would be easy to bring), but we sacrifice privacy and romance for a week of sleep, and I’m not sure any of us would get quality sleep. (2) Put up blackout curtains, but covering approximately 90 square feet of windows is really expensive for a week. (3) Hang up towels or blankets to block the light in Kiddo’s room, which is probably against the condo rules. (4) Continue trading off 6 am wake-ups with DH and just put on some cartoons.
The living area is just as bright, if not brighter, in the morning, so the couch isn’t an option (plus the adults like to stay up late drinking wine). Kiddo will not wear an eye mask or anything on his head, ever (sensory issues may be a factor).
Am I missing some better option? If not, which of the four options would you choose?
Anonymous says
I have feet exactly like your toddler! She has a low instep, which makes finding sandals that fit a huge pain. Honestly, I would rely primarily on sneakers even in the summer.
fallen says
How do you handle spending money with nanny? I just told her that I will reimburse her at the end of the week for now, but wondering if I should leave weekly cash or get her a credit card. Also are there limits I should discuss upfront? I am fine with her taking kids to activities etc as long as it is not excessive (and we have been getting a bunch of memberships), but wondering if I should have the conversation upfront.
Em says
Yes, discuss limits and get her a credit card or leave her weekly cash and let her know that you don’t expect her to spend more than the cash, absent something unusual. As a nanny, I would be uncomfortable not knowing how much and on what I was supposed to be spending, and I would be annoyed that I had to front the cost for all of it.
OP says
Thanks! What would be a reasonable weekly amount?
Anonymous says
Where do you live? How old are your kids? Does your nanny have weekly activities she plans to take them to? I’m in DC and have a baby, so most things are free. Nanny gets money for metro plus money for the music class she takes her to, and we have a membership to the Building Museum. She goes to parks, story time, and other museums for free. Nanny has a weekly schedule where she and her nanny friends go to the same places on the same days of the week.
I think the amount of spending money totally depends on what your nanny plans to do with the kids, whether they are buying snacks or meals out, whether they are taking public transit, etc.
Anon says
Nobody can answer this for you, because it’s so individual. When we had a nanny for our infant she spent essentially no money, because we didn’t have her shopping for us and the activities they did were free and within walking distances (library, neighborhood walks, community pool, etc). If your nanny will be taking your kid to museums on the subway and doing your weekly grocery shopping for you, she could easily be spending $500/week. You have to figure it out and give her that much.
Callie says
We keep about $50-80 in a drawer with our zoo membership and our children’s museum membership.
My nanny knows that she is welcome to take the kids somewhere and buy them lunch out or bubbles or pay for her ferry pass (kids are free on NYC ferries) or get tickets for them for the carousel or whatever and I remind her that if she’s buying them lunch, she should get her own as well.
But honestly–she rarely spends money. Maybe one roundtrip ferry ride for herself (so like $5) a week in the summertime. Maybe another $20 once a month if they all go adventuring to Brooklyn and decide to get kids lunches out (but 99% of the time she packs them lunch–so even then it seems to be mostly like a supplemented lunch out with veggies packed from home and then just one thing out for everyone.) And maybe the admission price for the kids at an indoor playspace if we have a week with particularly bad weather multiple days in a row. If anything, I feel like I occasionally have to remind her to feel free to take advantage of stuff and to let me know if I need to put more $ in the drawer. This works for us well (and has for the 3.5 years she’s worked for us) but I think one of the reasons it works is that they don’t seem to have too many cash needs (they often go to a drop in music class–but I get a email notification from the teacher when they go and can venmo over for 10 class punch cards as needed when they need me to purchase a new punch card. The other cash expenses tend to be low dollar items–a water or a sandwich or a ferry ride. If we run out of milk, she will pick up a new gallon for us (my daughter would survive on milk if given the opportunity and my nanny knows me well enough to know that if the current gallon is low I’m very appreciative to have enough the next morning both for my daughter’s sippy cup and my own coffee) or she might pick up a veggie at the fruit stand on our block if we don’t have one to feed the kids at lunch.
eh230 says
Does he have a formal ASD diagnosis from the his doctor? In my state, that automatically qualifies a child for an IEP. You also mentioned outside therapy. You may want to look into ABA, which may help with some of the behaviors your kiddo has. I have a high functioning ASD kid entering KG in the fall. He was in the public school preschool and had outide OT therapy, but the private ABA has worked wonders in helping him navigate socially and has helped him learn how to respond to ordinary things that other people internalize but are hard for many people with ASD. The ABA therapist has also been really helpful in advocating at school as a part of the IEP process so that the approaches taken at school match what kiddo is taught at ABA.
Paging yesterday's TTC poster says
I read the discussion yesterday about the spectrum of fertility interventions between pineapple and IVF and wanted to add a suggestion. It’s worth seeing an RE (you may have already as you mentioned having done some tests to make sure everything is “working”) and potentially doing a round of just cycle monitoring. You may want to ask your doctor to check your thyroid levels as well. My GP thought mine were within normal range, but my RE told me they were lower than she thought optimal for getting pregnant. She put me on a low dose of Synthroid and I was successfully pregnant within a month. I stayed on it until 6 weeks after delivery. (I may have had to do a blood test at that point but I honestly don’t remember.) Before I saw my RE it had been 18 months of trying and a miscarriage. This is purely anecdotal but I thought it might be helpful. Wishing you all the best!!
anon says
I second this recommendation. Even if you don’t want to go the IVF route (I didn’t want to, either), there is some peace of mind in knowing what’s going on. I really resisted this option when I had issues because I wasn’t on board with doing anything invasive, but I think the uncertainty did more harm than good for my emotional well-being.
As it turned out, I had undiagnosed endometriosis. Some of the symptoms were there, including a miscarriage, but not as many as you’d think. I wasn’t keeling over in pain every month, for example. I opted for the surgery, without any expectations of it helping my fertility, but it did — I got pregnant 2 cycles after the procedure.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Wisehive – I’ve been doing a lot of solo parenting with DS (19 months) while DH is underwater with work/business travel. All of this is fine and relatively well-managed, except we just found out DH cannot travel on July 4th due to client obligations that were just confirmed. We had plans to travel to Orlando to spend a few days with friends from out of the country who are traveling to the U.S. to take their daughter to Disney.
I’ve done a LOT of solo travel with DS, but mostly to my home city where grandparents and family are there upon arrival.
The thought of yet another flight solo, with DS, and to a place where we have to haul all the stuff, deal with the rental car solo, etc. (we rented an AirB*B that was the preference of our friends, so it’s missing some of the stuff we’d like to have there, like a PnP), or do all the re-work to rent the stuff we need, arrange airport transport, etc. all while being solo with DS with limited help (of course our friends would help, but again, different than a spouse or family) just sounds so damn unpleasant.
We also haven’t seen these friends in YEARS or met their daughter, so kind of torn. What would you do?
Anonymous says
Go. It’s in two weeks, they’ve already planned. Can you bring someone instead of him? I’d love a free trip to Disney with some ancillary child care.
OP says
To be clear — we’re not going to Disney – just hanging out in a rented house for a weekend with said friends.
NYCer says
I agree. I think it would be pretty rude to bail on your friends this late in the game. I also second the advice to try to find a friend/sister/mom who could join you in place of your husband.
OP says
Unfortunately, don’t have anyone at the moment.
Our families live out of state from us (and FL), and although are amenable to travel, my Mom is unavailable, as she is taking care of my Dad post-surgery, and coordinating with my MIL would be very challenging this late in the game. My brother could join, but I don’t want to obligate him while navigating my own obligation.
Anon says
I would go, but I would reframe it. It’s not a vacation, it’s an obligation, but you’re doing it because you committed to this trip and you value these friendships and want to meet their daughter. And lean on your friends for help. My friends who have young kids are honestly way more helpful than grandparents because they’re in the thick of it too and understand how difficult it is. I’m sure they will help more than you think they will (though I agree neither friends nor grandparents can replace a committed co-parent).
shortperson says
can your friends rent a bigger car? maybe you can take one of those lyfts with carseats there. i woudl get pack n play etc delivered to the airbnb. just to throw some money at things and make things easier on myself. i’m sure thats possible in orlando. and i would definitely go.
OP says
They’ve offered to rent a bigger car, actually! Will definitely look into getting all of the things delivered and a car service in lieu of dealing with the rental.
Unfortunately, DS is still rear-facing, and Lyfts and Ubers are only equipped for front facing kiddos.
Anon says
A car service will be way harder. You’ll have to install and uninstall the carseat every time you want to go anywhere. Just bring a lightweight travel carseat and install it into the rental car on the first day and leave it there.
OP says
They have KidMoto in Orlando which has a pre-installed carseat per the age/weight of your child (infant, rear-facing, front-facing, booster, etc.). Was planning to use that for airport transfer to avoid having to bring the Scenera Next, especially because I don’t trust my own installation abilities 100%. After that, our AirbnB is in a gated community with pool, restaurants, water park, etc. all within walking distance so if I do end up going, planning to just stay put.
SC says
I would go. I think you’ll be happy to be with your friend and meet her daughter. In my experience, friends do help, even when they have their own kid (not always, the kids switch off on who needs extra attention at the moment).
Don’t haul the stuff. Rent a carseat. Orlando has several companies that rent PNPs, strollers, etc. I would also have groceries, diapers, etc delivered from Publix to your AirBNB. I know it’s work to set it all up, but you’ll have everything you need and be able to relax when you get there.
I’m a big fan of Disney World, but honestly, I’d let your friends go and skip that part, or only accompany them one day, not everyday, if they are planning to visit the parks multiple times. Disney’s expensive (although your son will get in free because he’s under 3). More importantly, it will be unbelievably hot and unbelievably crowded on July 4th weekend. Take your kid to the pool if your AirBNB has one, enjoy an inside AC day, and welcome your friends home when they return.
FYI, I’m not sure how old your friend’s child is, but there are several indoor Orlando activities where kids 2 and under get in free–the Crayola Experience, Sea Life Orlando, and the Orlando Science Center (which has a toddler area). Plus, like other cities, there are indoor playgrounds and libraries and museums with toddler time.
Also, it’s outdoors, but I highly recommend Disney Springs as a low-key morning/lunch or late afternoon/dinner with toddlers. There’s no entrance fee, and there’s a splash pad, a small carousel and train (for a couple dollars), and lots of good restaurants, including some fast-casual ones. If your friend’s kid is older, there’s a Lego store with a Lego play area outside, but as far as I know, they only have tiny legos available to play with, not Duplos. (Duplos are offered for sale, of course.)
SC says
Oh, and since “unique public transportation” is always a hit with my son, there’s a commuter train (SunRail) that my son loved when my parents took him last month. I’m pretty sure they just walked around Winter Park and got some lunch, but the train itself was a huge hit.
Anon says
I think I’m in the minority, but I personally find hauling the big stuff a lot easier than renting, assuming you put everything in checked suitcases and make someone drop you off and pick you up at the airport. You basically never have to see or deal with a checked luggage until you arrive at your destination and meet your friends. A PNP fits in a standard checked suitcase and you can check a carseat as well (the Cosco Scenera Next is cheap and super light). Push a stroller through the airport and gate check in when you get on the plane. Ask your friends to buy consumables like diapers or have them shipped to the airBNB in advance.
Anon says
If I were your friends and someone bailed on me in this situation I’d be pretty annoyed/hurt. The trip is all arranged, you acknowledge you’re more than capable of traveling solo with your child, what you’re really saying is that you don’t like your friends enough to want to make this trip without your spouse and that would be really hurtful to me as your friend.
rosie says
Oh definitely go. I totally get that there are unpleasant last-minute details to figure out, but I suspect that around Disney there will be a lot of opportunities to throw money at the problem with rentals & similar. Can you practice with the carseat install a few times before you go to get more confident? I would really regret not going to see the friends in this situation.
Anon says
I’m in the minority but if I were your friends, I’d be totally fine with you not coming. It sounds like a huge hassle to travel solo with your child and your friends might not want to pitch in to help as much as your husband would have, like it sounds difficult for you and maybe it makes it less relaxing for them? However, if you know they’d want to see you solo and are depending on you go help navigate their trip since out of country etc, then I would definitely go..
Anonymous says
I’m also in this minority. I would probably cancel. Unless there have been discussions to the contrary, to me OP signed up as a family and if part of the family can’t go, she’s totally within reason to cancel. I would just make sure I paid whatever I had agreed upon when the whole thing was organized. I wouldn’t want the friends to suddenly be in an uncomfortable situation financially.