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Sales of Note…
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
one of those days says
Missing my babies (i have twins) like crazy today. They’re over a year old but I still feel like I don’t get enough time with them. I was home long enough on mat leave to know that I don’t want to be a SAHM but really not loving the full time WAHM thing either. Just argh. Any advice for how to miss them less and be more focused at work? I feel like I end up staying late because I’m missing them and not productive but then I’m actually seeing them less because I’m getting home late. How do I break the cycle?
Oh hugs. I have a four month old and I could have written this post. I don’t know what the answer is!!!
one of those days says
thanks. this makes me feel less alone with it all.
Also, they change at different ages! You may feel this a lot now (age >1) that you didn’t feel when they were less responsive newborns.
I had a lot of fun unintentionally staying home with my 3 year old. Now that he’s 7 I am so grateful we’re apart!
Husband and I are having a discussion about our 4 year old’s birthday party. She started at her current daycare about a year ago. She’s been invited to a handful of classmates’ birthday parties but hasn’t had play dates with anyone. Husband is worried that no one will come if we have a party. I think kids like to do fun things and enough people will probably come to make it worthwhile. We’ll be in daycare with these families for another year and then (hopefully) some will go to my daughter’s school as well, so I’d like to continue getting to know them.
So even though she’s not had playdates, she is still getting party invites and you attend those parties? I think you are fine. It’s pretty common at this age to invite the whole class and someone is bound to show up. I think most parents are happy to have a fun activity for their kids on weekends.
Yep – correct! This seems like a good excuse to get to know people better, at least.
I think you’re fine, most parents appreciate having a fun thing (and cake!) for their kids to look forward to on the weekends.
Sidenote – are most people really doing play dates for 4yr olds? My son plays with neighbors on the weekend if they’re all out in the yard, but I don’t think people are really doing many formal playdates in our area at this age.
There seem to be more playdates among the SAH set in my area (mostly after school). Between school, after school care, community events, and sports, my kid sees other little people. I actually do want to do more playdates on weekends (like the parents drop the kid off) because the kids can self amuse a little bit and don’t need constant supervision. We may do something on the weekend with other families/kids, but it’s something like doing dinner at their house, but that’s a whole family event.
Agree. My four year old goes to about 20 school parties per year, even though we only have actual play dates with a handful of the kids in his class.
D. Meagle says
Agreed – at this age, parties are still kind of for the parents: kids can run around and burn off some energy, and the parents can talk to adults. If you invite them, they will come.
My 3 (turning 4 in Feb) year old son started his current daycare in August. We’ve been invited to 6 birthday parties so far from his classmates, and it’s a great way to get to know the other parents. We just sent out invites for his party at an indoor trampoline place, and the majority of parties are either there, gymnastics gyms, or Chuck E Cheese.
my daughter is 2 and was just invited to her first birthday party. kid invited the young and older toddler classrooms which have i think around 20 kids in total. All but 2 came! FWIW we have never had a playdate and i don’t think many others have either. Just do it and have the RSVP early enough that you can cancel if you get no interest.
The product in the photo looks like a bathrobe, so I clicked on the link. The featured outfit is actually pretty awesome, but from what I can tell, is not the bathrobe outfit in the photo?
I thought bathrobe as well. I think they took the waist tie from the wrap dress on the link and used it as a tie on the open cardigan. I think it’s good idea in theory but has to be styled carefully to avoid the bathrobe effect.
I have a review coming up and I’m just dreading it. My last several reviews have been difficult (I’m on a cycle of a review every 3 months because of low hours), with a lot of criticism and uncertainty about my future at my employer. I suspect (although it’s too soon to know) that this review will be equally difficult.
The good news is that my hours are up. The bad news is, I’ve been missing deadlines because I’ve taken on more projects to hit hours, but struggling to keep up with the workload. Many of the attorneys who give me work are really happy with my work, but I know there is a group that is not happy and will be more likely to write in a negative review.
Any tips on how to handle a negative review? I struggle even just figuring out the expression I want to put on my face while hearing the bad news since I inevitably want to run away and cry. I’m trying to “fail forward” by learning from my mistakes and putting in place new systems, but finding it exhausting and progress inconsistent. Any advice for seeking some reassurance too? I have never been a consistent failure at anything (especially over a period of several years), and I am so scared that I’ll be fired at any minute that it’s impacting my ability to muster the courage to take on projects.
Following. My background is that I really am failing at working FT, mothering two under two, while running a side business and renovating a house. I’m used to being an ace/at the top of my class/top of my game for the last 35 years and the anxiety I feel over just. not. being. able. to. keep. up. is a new crippling problem as well.
That’s a lot to handle. Accepting that I would only be able to do an okay instead of exceptional job at many things was the hardest part of transitioning to working parenthood. Have you thought of folding the side business unless it is a real source of happiness for you?
We’re trying to grow the side business to become the actual business. It’s a source of happiness and what we want to have happen. My husband works in education right now and has a limited # of ‘days off’ each year; I have more flexibility in my job and so we have to lean into that 80% me 20% him except during the summer for two months when it is much reversed. I’m finding that ‘flexibility’ means that I am working at 10PM/6AM, though. I feel all the time like something has to give but I can’t figure out what. In reality, I want to take a 6 month sabbatical from work to handle everything else, but don’t see that happening (attorney)(job required to pay bills).
Honestly it sounds like this job may not be a good fit for you. That isn’t a reflection on you or your work ethic. I was in a similar position and got a bad review, which was so crazily uncharacteristic for me (I have always been a high achiever and a people pleaser), but during the review one of the partners point blank stated that it didn’t seem like I really enjoyed the job, and he was right. I quit that job before I could be fired. I am now in another position where I do great work and actually enjoy it, and consistently get stellar reviews. If you have tried implementing changes and still are not meeting their expectations (which it sounds like is the case if you are still missing deadlines, even if the reason is because you are increasing your hours), it does not sound like this job is a good fit or that it is playing to your strengths. I would suggest you look for something else.
I considered a job search for a while, and then decided that I was going to try to make my job work and really commit myself to it for a year. I’ve managed to “pivot” my practice area to focus on a type of work that I do really love, and would be so happy to stick around if I could practice in that area. It’s all the other little projects I have to pile on top of my preferred work so that I can hit hours and prove I have a “pipeline” of work that is throwing me off.
I also have this fear that there is no such thing as a job that I would love, and that the negative reviews are going to follow me wherever I land. Which my therapist would say is crazy, but it’s there.
one of those days says
In terms of advice for this review. I would try to focus on the hours up and many of the attorneys being happy. Try to sell the missed deadlines as an issue only because you are working on rebalancing with the increased hours and hitting deadlines being a big focus going forward.
Keep thinking of your own words “Many of the attorneys who give me work are really happy with my work,”
Been there says
NewMomAnon, this is a tough spot to be in. Based upon what you’ve described, I will gently suggest that ‘learning to deal with criticism’ shouldn’t be your end game here – it should be recognizing that you may need to seek other / different opportunities. I’ve been in a tunnel similar to what you’ve described, where in anticipation of a negative review I’ve taken on more work that even a high-functioning, not-worried-about-being-fired person could possibly get done in a timely manner. In other words, I set myself up for failure but was still somehow surprised when failure did, in fact, result.
In hindsight, I can recognize that my law firm had unreasonable expectations and I wasn’t to blame when I couldn’t perform miracles. Recognizing that a job isn’t a good match is not the worst thing in the world – and just because it’s possible to work 80 hours a week during some parts of your life, there are other times when that just isn’t possible.
Tl/dr: Be kind to yourself. If there are genuine performance issues, address those in a proactive way to the extent possible – but if this job just isn’t working for your life now, consider looking for something that will. Ask this board – we can help you explore how to find the type of work that you love at your current job, in a setting that you can succeed in.
Anon in NYC says
+1 to this. Sometimes a job just isn’t a good fit, or it was and now it isn’t. NewMomAnon, I think you’re at the point where you need to look for another opportunity, whether it’s going in-house or moving to another firm. I also think that if your firm is willing to use its connections at clients that you should try to take advantage of it.
I know that it feels like you’re failing, but I really urge you to reframe it as finding something that will be a better fit for your life. The relief you will feel when you get a new job will be so worth it.
I agree completely. There’s no shame in a job not fitting in with your life priorities. Why keep at a job that doesn’t fit, all while making yourself miserable, when you can find something that’s a better option for you?
As to your comment, what if there isn’t a job you would love? You don’t have to love your job. It’s a job. It can be something that just pays your bills. (Physician, heal thyself, for me here…)
also been there says
Yeah, my experience is that law firm performance improvement plans are really designed to let everyone prepare for an eventual transition. The good news is that you’ve had an opportunity to figure what it is that you really do like as a practice area. Can you start looking for other positions that have a bigger presence in that?
You’ve had a bunch of hard transitions so be kind to yourself.
Thank you all. I really appreciate the thoughtfulness.
I think I’m going to chew on this for a while and come back to the group in a few months for job search thoughts. It’s so scary to think of losing my house, marriage, *and* job all in a matter of a few years, while learning to juggle the single parent life. This job feels like the last of my old dreams and I’m struggling to let go.
I was one of the first ones who commented it may not be a good fit, and I get your concerns. I moved from a law firm to an in-house position and actually gave up the “attorney” title (I was later made an attorney, but there was a stint where I technically no longer had the title). It is a really hard concept to wrap your brain around after all the years of hard work, and it was difficult to decide to give up the “prestige.” Ultimately, my happiness and job satisfaction were totally worth the sacrifice of the title. I love my new job, so giving up your “old dream” doesn’t mean you failed. You can have new dreams. Don’t hold onto a job that isn’t working for you just because it used to be your dream.
Again, I agree completely. I moved in-house last year and felt like, at first, I was giving up my “dream” to be a partner at a law firm and was essentially opting out or taking the easy way out. In reality, law firm life wasn’t working for me or my family and I made a transition. Change is hard, but I haven’t looked back and I’ve been incredibly happy and successful (based on promotions and performance reviews), and I’m so glad I recognized that my old dream wasn’t realistic.
Basically firm life did not suit my life post baby as much as I wanted it to. Firm was excited about having a working mom in theory not in practice. There were a lot of things that didn’t work – partner’s decided I wasn’t partnership material, they outright told me they saw no potential, they were critical of the hours I worked even though my actual receipts were mid-range, comments about weight loss not happening fast enough, comments about presentation (not smiling enough, looking at phone too often in court), comments about haircut being frumpy etc. It was basically endless. No longer working at a firm though employed full time and I am much happier and a better mom for it. And yeah, I used to dread evaluations or anything with HR to the point it almost made me sick. I used to cry every day and dread going to work. That is no way to live.
Meg Murry says
If the issue is about you not making your hours, is it possible to go part time? Or am I remembering correctly that you already asked about part time and were told no?
If you can’t make your hours and they won’t let you reduce your hours target than it sounds like you are being forced out and I’m so sorry to hear that. Please remember that it isn’t necessarily about you – it sounds like this job isn’t just incompatible with parenthood but that it’s incompatible with anyone that wants to have a life outside of work, and I don’t think having a life outside of work is an unreasonable expectation.
I hope that you can find a way to make this work, or find another situation that will make you happy (or at least content with work and happy with the rest of your life outside of work).
Advice/commiseration. I’m running a fairly high profile conference out of state which will entail me missing my son’s actual birthday, and arriving home the day before his friends and family party (at a play gym, with family at our house after). I’m doing my best to mitigate the burden on my husband/inlaws (cakepops will be made/packaged/frozen in advance/gift bags made/balloons ordered/invites sent/space booked/catering for family party arranged).
I guess what I’m looking for is advice on how to minimize my guilt on missing his actual bday (and how to ignore the comments I know will arrive from my MIL), and how to try to make the process as easy on my husband/family as possible.
Umm, why is the birthday party your sole responsibility? I can’t imagine a guy asking this question if he had a huge professional accomplishment that would inconvenience his wife. I would ignore your MIL, talk with your husband about how you both see the party going down and be explicit about who takes what tasks, and outsource as much as possible to MIL and other family members.
As far as guilt over missing actual birthday – Facetime, and maybe leave a little gift or card for your son to open on his birthday. And then let it go. He’ll remember that you were present and cared about his birthday, but won’t remember that you were gone for this particular one if you don’t make a big deal about it.
How old is your son? My 4 year old thinks his birthday is the day he has a party, whether it falls on the day of his birthday or not. So he may not notice.
+100% this – I missed my daughter’s birthday once – she was excited that she got cake on her actual birthday, the day I got back and her party.
Meg Murry says
Q: Mommy, is tomorrow my birthday?
A: We’re having your favorite dinner at Grandma’s to celebrating your birthday on Tuesday, cupcakes at school on Thursday and then a party with your friends on Saturday when Mommy comes home, won’t that be fun!
Is it ideal? No. Will you kid be scarred for life by this? Absolutely not, they probably won’t even know. Honestly, I know either my husband or I were traveling for one of my son’s birthdays that was 3 or under, and I don’t remember which kid or which parent, just that we didn’t make a big deal of it on the actual day.
This was in the same age when any time before the most recent nap (from that morning to a year ago) was “yesterday” and anytime after bedtime that day was “tomorrow” – when the kids didn’t have firm grip on time.
My son started referring to all past as “yesterday” within the last couple weeks, and it just cracks me up.
Agree, no concept of time. As long as he gets cake and presents at some point, that is the birthday. But I understand the guilt, regardless. Delegate the party planning!
Meg Murry says
Yes, I think it is adorable that my young kids used the term “yesterday” to mean “sometime in the past” and “tomorrow” to mean “sometime in the future” instead of the literal “the day before today” and the “the day after today” we typically use those words to mean.
hoola hoopa says
Good point. He’ll be 4, so we’re having the daycare party on his bday, and then I’ll be home for the family/kid party. I’m hoping cakepops on the day is enough of a distraction. Unfortunately we’ve learned that me calling/facetime when I’m gone just sets him up to meltdown about how I’m not home. Cue guilt.
Big hug! Just want you to know you’re not alone, and also that this is no biggie in the grand scheme. My son’s birthday (3rd) is tomorrow and I have work meeting that will have me home late, though probably juuuust in time to see him before he goes to bed. We did a family b-day party on Sunday and will open gifts on the morning of his birthday so he gets to start the day with something fun and different.
They really have no concept of time at that age. In fact, he wore a b-day crown at school all day yesterday b/c his teachers mistakenly assumed that was his actual birthday — since his party was the day before and he just smiled and went along with it. Ha!
I went to a job interview on my son’s birthday. I had intentionally booked nothing that day so I could take it off or leave early and out of the blue I got an interview opportunity at an amazing out of town job. The husband did the cake and everything without me (honesty I think he did it to rub it in that he was mad about the interview). It was an opportunity for myself and my family and if I had gotten that job it would have made an incredible difference to our lives. In addition, two people went to bat for me as references and not showing up to the interview would have burned bridges with them. I do not feel guilty about going to the interview. I am annoyed with my spouse (who I think was jealous that no one wanted him to interview) but that is another story
Men do these things literally all of the time. It is okay. You are doing what’s right for your kid by going.
This cracks me up that even a kid’s birthday party has undertones to it… honestly, sounds like my house :)
When I was a kid, my main motivation in cleaning my room was to be Better than my sister, who was way smarter and made better grades than I did.
OK two probably stupid questions as I start this fertility thing.
1) How do you schedule business travel with induced cycles? Do you literally block off a week like, nope, I can’t go to LA that week, I need to get knocked up? I’m also worried about my cycle being screwy and unpredictable on me (I can’t start anything until I get my period, and knowing my stupid uterus, it’s going to mess with me and not show up until a week late, which means my projected “get busy”/inseminated week will be off -_-)
2) So, I go to a RE to get pregnant, but then at what point do you transition back to your obgyn for regular monitoring type stuff? Where is the delineating line? As soon as you get pregnant? After the six week ultrasound that confirms? Even later than that?
I did about eight months of medicated/fully monitored cycles and basically tried not to travel as I also had wonky/unpredictable cycles (even when I started stimming in a cycle, it was anyone’s guess as to when I’d be ready to trigger). However, when I needed to be out of town, I’d find facilities (often hospitals) that could run stat bloodwork and do ultrasounds if necessary. Huge annoyance, but manageable. No one I found was really willing to do a remote IUI though so if that’s what you’re looking at, you’ll need to be home that day. Never ended up an issue for me, but my plan was to call it a minor medical emergency if I ever needed to alter travel plans last minute for this.
My RE released me to ob right after we heard heartbeat at 6.5wks. I think I saw her one more time for some reason, but that’s a typical release point if you’re not high risk or seeing the RE because of recurrent miscarriages, which it sounds like you’re not.
These aren’t stupid questions at all. I went through the same thing. I did block off the week I was ovulating so that I could be home. I don’t know what medication you will be taking, but I was on Clomid. My cycles were also screwy, so my RE prescribed progesterine, which I took for 10 days (I think) and it forced me to have a period, at which time I could then predict ovulation given the Clomid. I stayed with my RE until I was pregnant, and he actually did my first ultrasound to confirm. After that, I transitioned to an OB/GYN for care during my pregnancy. Hope this helps!
I’ll also add that I stayed with my RE until he told me it was time to transition to an OB/GYN, so your RE will likely guide you on that issue.
Thanks guys! These are super helpful answers. That’s a good point that I could do out-of-town bloodwork, I didn’t think of that. I have the ability to plan my trips *mostly* on my own schedule, but that only works if my period decides to cooperate/respond well to the drugs. I don’t think it will be a huge deal at all if I need to cancel a trip last minute, but I can’t stop travelling entirely until I get pregnant, unfortunately.
I figured you went from RE to back to OB after the first ultrasound, I was just curious. I like my OB a lot and can’t wait to get back to her!
Agree that these aren’t stupid questions at all!
1. I did block off the week I was ovulating. It sometimes meant I blocked off unnecessarily, since a few times I didn’t ovulate when I was supposed to, and had to do another cycle right away. It made things hard because things were constantly shifting. But I justified it because I was paying out of pocket for much of the treatment, and there was NO WAY I was going to mess it up by not being available when necessary.
2. My RE transitioned me to my regular ob/gyn after we heard the heartbeat at 7 weeks. Ditto a previous commenter that this might be different depending on the reason you are seeing the RE. It may also vary based on how you got pregnant. I was able to get pregnant using letrozole/trigger shot/TI. But my friend who got pregnant through IVF stayed with her RE until she stopped progesterone shots at 12 weeks.
Thanks – this is helpful info as well!
I’m nervous and excited to start this whole thing. I feel like we’ve been thinking about/trying to get pregnant for so long now and it might actually happen!
I just vaguely mentioned “medical treatment” as the reason for not being able to travel. The beginning (we were doing IVF) wasn’t as busy until you go in to see what’s happening in there. For IVF I was kicked back to my OBGYN at 11 or 12 weeks when I came off progesterone shots. It was nice though, I got a very reassuring ultrasound every week.
I told my boss when I moved to IUI and IVF. You don’t know for sure when you’ll take the trigger shot and need time off for procedures until the night before. My boss was understanding about my availability issues. For planning purposes, IVF is easier than TI and IUI because you get a month off between cycles, and you can volunteer to travel then.
I transitioned to an OB at 8 weeks. An OB wouldn’t take me until I had been “released” from the RE.
Today has been one of the hardest I have had as a working mom. I’ve posted before about my “concerns” with our nanny: not helping with laundry, my son doesn’t get along with her grandson who is at our house way more than I agreed to, thinking that she didn’t interact much with the kids. Today I have discovered that our nanny spends her entire day on her laptop ignoring my kids. At one point, my daughter cried and she turned to her and told her to be quiet. After my son came home from school, he has been watching tv. He puts his baby sister (the toddler) down for her nap. We were planning on keeping this nanny until the school year ended, but that is clearly not an option. I used most of my vacation time over the holidays and haven’t had time to accrue enough to be out for a week while we find someone. My husband is constrained from taking time by the school year. My mom can help some, but I am at a total loss. I am angry. I am hurting for my kids who are being ignored. I feel insanely guilty for not realizing this was going on sooner. I love my job but this is a hard day.
Deep breath. Your kids will be okay. One week more with this nanny is okay too. The situation is certainly not ideal but it is not an emergency. No one’s actual health is in danger. They aren’t getting enough attention and are getting too much screen time, right? That can be said about 75% of the kids in America. They aren’t running with scissors or being hit. I agree that this is a bad fit but this isn’t a drop everything and take them to work with you emergency. Also, are you only learning this from your daughter? Sometimes the right response to a whining/crying toddler is to ignore them if they are crying for a silly toddler reason – you know, the whole don’t give into tantrums thing? If my kid demanded ice cream and I said no, and she cried I’d probably tell her to be quiet too and I’d also probably pretend to be doing something else so she didn’t think I was giving her attention for crying. You will be okay, your kids will be okay. Big breath.
+1. Don’t feel guilty. This will work out.
How shall we say, I saw & heard it…. It was a request for water. Our nanny didn’t even look up from her laptop. Then my daughter started crying, at which point she was told to be quiet. Also explains some of the behaviours we see at home. I’m figuring out a plan.
I could have written almost this exact post about 3 months ago except instead of her laptop, the nanny was using our netflix account to watch her shows all day long. It will be ok! My husband and I had a few sleepless/crying nights where we were just so upset with us for not realizing how crappy the situation was and that we let our kids be cared for/ ignored by this woman. Anyway, we started nanny hunting and found someone to start in two weeks. We timed it around Thanksgiving in order to not have an overlap. It was really crappy to have to have her come to my place every day for the next two weeks knowing I was going to be firing her, but unable to do it yet since I didnt’ have a great backup. But long story short – it all worked out! Things are so much better!! You will get through this and it will be better!
Thank you for your encouragement! I know it will be ok it just stinks right now.
We had to fire a nanny. It was awful and I know exactly how you feel. I would 1) sign yourselves up for every daycare waitlist there is; 2) immediately start looking for another nanny; and 3) consider interim care – maybe at Bright Horizons or something like that, until you find a permanent solution. I would not keep this nanny in your house for longer than absolutely necessary. I’m so sorry about this and I wish you lots of luck in working out something better.
I didn’t mean to minimize. I just meant you and your kids will get through it.
Frustrated Mom says
Question for all you moms out there-I have a bright funny only-child 3.5 year old who seems to struggle with big emotions/emotional regulation. Gets upset easily and has been more physical when upset lately, especially with me and my husband (but probably more with me). kicks, hits, tries to bite. He was a biter as a toddler but had outgrown it, I thought. He’s hit me in the face a few times, the last time being yesterday morning when he asked, “it is the weekend or a daycare day?” Sigh. We are working on being firm, having immediate consequences, and not losing our tempers and escalating the situation. I’m considering an intake with a therapist to help us do a better job managing/reducing these behaviors, but I’m wondering if we should do something different daycare wise too. He’s at daycare he’s been at since birth in a “preschool” room, but it seems a little chaotic and I’m not sure what the preschool curriculum is beyond free play and doing art projects (which I do think is important). He will go up to the next room soon and there is more activities there but it also seems fairly unstructured. I worry about him learning to manage his emotions, especially when he starts school and it is much more structured. I am considered doing a more preschool type program, at least half a day (although it needs to be with a daycare or after school component since we both work) or doing a local Montessori program I’ve heard good things about (calm!). But it will be more in cost and my husband likes where he currently is and doesn’t think our kid needs a change. I’m struggling with how much to push this. Any thoughts much appreciated.
Caveat- you know your child best so if you think that this something out of the boundaries of normal, by all means call your doctor.
IME, struggling with big emotions is an age thing. There are a couple of good articles on AHA parenting about handling kids when they are angry.
I think that article was aimed at slightly older kids so you may have to do more with intervening before he gets to a boiling point and expect him to not be as good at expressing his feelings in words. Daniel Tiger was actually helpful too at that age.
I agree with mascot. If the thought of a therapist has crossed your mind, do it. You may find information that is relevant to development in your child that may help you (and the day care facility) learn how to address it.
Also, check out the book, 1-2-3 Magic.
For what its worth, I faced similar issues with my son and took him to a therapist. It was the best thing I ever did, and helped me on the road towards getting him into a ‘better fit’ pre-K.
Meg Murry says
Can you ask his daycare teacher if they are seeing those behaviors and what they do about it? Maybe they have a suggestion of a good way to diffuse the situation. I would hesitate to pull him from his current daycare if he’s not having a problem there. If you ask the teacher you may also find out that there is a child at daycare that either currently or recently has been acting out by hitting and your son sees that kid getting attention and is therefore trying it at home – we had an outburst of hitting at home, and after a conference with the daycare teacher found out that there was a “new rash of hitting” happening at school (she didn’t specifically say that it was related to the new kid that just started, but it was likely since I had seen the new student being disciplined for it during pickup a time or two).
I struggled for a while because my son’s primary daycare teacher is only in the classroom from 8-4, so I don’t see her at pickup or dropoff, only the assistant teachers, but then I found out that she is willing and able to arrange a parent conference over the phone at naptime, so I can take a late lunch and talk to her about new developments.
3.5 is a hard age because they don’t quite have the words for what they are feeling right now. I tend to use the phrase “I know you are mad/upset/angry/sad but you don’t hit mommy. Hitting hurts.” and then deposit him somewhere uncermoniously (his room, the stairs, etc) and walk away. If he’s really upset I will leave him with one of his “animal friends” (stuffed animals) to hug, and tell him he needs to sit there and calm down. He might be hitting because it gets a big reaction from you.
Also, “Hands are not for hitting” and “Teeth are not for biting” make a regular rotation into our bedtime stories, which seems to help a little.
+1 This is very age appropriate, and a good quality daycare will be able to tell you about this, guide your child, and also direct you to a list of therapists. You can also ask your pediatrician, your insurance, and your employee assistance program for a list of therapists.
This is actually a very typical problem at this age, and you’re doing the right thing to get in front of it now. You’re fixing behaviors, not emotions.
My income has dropped post baby. Realistically I feel like my prospects and potential have also dropped. I live in a community where professional women with babies are few and far between and I am a bit of a freak here. We don’t want to leave our community and I still have employment here but the reality is that I’m going to be earning about $80-100K a year after taxes and after daycare expenses this year and it will probably not go up until my kid is in school full time, if then. I tried keeping up with my pre-baby hours and know I cannot do it physically or mentally. I like where I work right now and I still work as a lawyer but it lacks any sort of prestige or opportunity for advancement. I do not see that changing any time soon and my husband’s job doesn’t allow for him to cut back. It doesn’t help that the the brightest of the women I went to law school with (who do not have babies) are making partner and going up in the world while I know I am on track to nowhere professionally. I have a lot of trouble being able to mentally justify purchases for me. Even small things like a coffee or a new book or a manicure.. I haven’t booked a trip to see my parents (who live on the opposite side of the country) since my income plummeted. I just don’t feel like I am contributing. I feel like I don’t deserve things basically. We have savings, we vacation out of country at least four weeks a year, we have almost no debt, our baby has all the baby stuff imaginable so I know we are doing a lot better than most people so I should not complain. But I feel as though I personally am failing and I don’t seem to know how to stop failing. Still on anti-depressents, PPD suspected but no diagnosis.
Hugs and welcome to the yucky club that is “trying to have it all and failing.” I posted above about my journey to embrace different dreams. We will find different dreams and it will be OK.
Have you tried either meditation or mindfulness? Both help me get a better grasp on what I have instead of focusing on what I’m losing.
And objectively – you are working hard to earn money and working hard at raising a kid so your husband can earn more money. You deserve to treat yourself like an equal, financially and emotionally, with your husband and child. Maybe put together a budget that gives you an allowance so you feel able to spend money on yourself?
PPD lies. Do yourself a favor and get a referral to a therapist/get an actual diagnosis with treatments that are working. I can hear how lost and helpless you feel and it doesn’t have to be this way.
Once you get back to baseline, then try to change what how you are perceiving things. Do you have enough money to achieve your goals? Do you like what you do? how do you feel about your parent/marriage/personal/work time? If it’s all good enough for you and your family, then it is good enough. Full stop.
Meg Murry says
+1 to PPD lies. Also, the “You can have it all” thing we were all brought up to believe is a lie, or at least a falsehood. We can have a lot, but that doesn’t mean
1) Don’t count daycare against YOUR income – count it against your HOUSEHOLD income. Do you flip the scenario and say “if husband wasn’t working we wouldn’t ahve to be paying these daycare expenses?” No, probably not. So don’t do it to yourself.
1a) your “after taxes” income may be skewed because your husband’s income puts you in a higher bracket. Don’t let that goof up your math either.
2) If you are vacationing out of country 4 weeks a year, you are doing fine. Could you change that to 2 weeks vacation plus a week or two to see your parents (either with H or just you and baby, whichever makes more sense?)
3) Lots of families have one income just at the “break even” point during the daycare years – so $80-$100k is doing amazingly freaking awesome! And if you weren’t working and took this time off, when you went back to work in 5 years you would probably
5 years is a short blip in the long run of a 30+ year career. So you aren’t advancing as fast as you once were, and you are just treading water. Big deal
FYI, I was you once – watching my friends make law partner or their PhD while running marathons and I was crying while reading Facebook while my career was in the toilet. Little did I know until a long drunk heart to heart that one of the same friends was reading Facebook and crying because I was posting pictures of my babies, which she wanted more than anything. The grass is always greener, and it’s hard at this stage of life when our goals and acheivements start splintering
Gotta run, but you are doing great, and you need to not be so hard on yourself. Big hugs.
There’s always somebody better than you and there’s always somebody worse. Be kind to yourself. It sounds like you’re doing great and you have anxiety about your career and money – you will get through this.