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When I was pregnant with both of my kids, I was always on the hunt for maternity tops that looked like something I would happily wear even if I weren’t pregnant.
This top from Kimi and Kai is one that would have caught my eye. I love the modern green and pink floral print, neck ties, and flattering V-neck. The elastic hem accommodates your growing bump, and afterwards, there’s a hidden neck closure at the neckline for nursing or pumping.
I’d pair it as pictured with a pair of skinny jeans or pants — you could even add a blazer for a more professional look.
The Grace Maternity/Nursing Top is available at Nordstrom for $78. It comes in XS–XL.
Sales of note for 4.18.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 50% off full-price dresses, jackets & shoes; $30 off pants & skirts; extra 50% off sale styles
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything; extra 20% off purchase
- Eloquii – 50% off select styles; 60% off swim; up to 40% off everything else
- J.Crew – Mid-Season Sale: Extra 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off spring-to-summer styles
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Spring Mid-Season Sale: Up to 50% off 100s of styles
- Nordstrom: Free 2-day shipping for a limited time (eligible items)
- Talbots – Spring Sale: 40% off + extra 15% off all markdowns; 30% off new T by Talbots
- Zappos – 29,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Up to 70% off baby items; 50% off toddler & kid deals & 40% off everything else
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off spring faves; 25% off new arrivals; up to 30% off spring
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Up to 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off kids’ spring-to-summer styles
- Old Navy – 30% off your purchase; up to 75% off clearance
- Target – Car Seat Trade-In Event (ends 4/27); BOGO 25% off select skincare products; up to 40% off indoor furniture; up to 20% off laptops & printers
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Anon says
I am curious as to how everyone is thinking about decision about fall activities, preschool, socializing, etc. as cases keep rising? My husband and I have been talking about how it may be time to re-assess our decisions, but there seems to be so little guidance as to what to do about Delta and what the risk is for kids.
Anonymous says
We are prioritizing school and dropping everything else that isn’t outdoors or masked.
anon says
Yep, we’re throwing all our risk tokens into school (2 kids, indoors, masked but in classes with 30 other kids and 2 teachers each) and not doing anything else.
My kids are under 5 so it’s not looking like they’ll get vaccinated anytime soon, so I don’t see this changing for the fall/winter.
Anon says
+1. School is number one, and then we can think about maybe adding activities like sports or friend get-togethers, particularly if they’re outdoors or show a good track record of following safety protocols.
anne-on says
+1. We really would have liked to resume some sort of after school something (music classes, sports, whatever) but those were significant vectors for local cases last year so I just don’t want to take the risk. We’re all in on school and only socializing with school friends (masked) and school families who are vaccinated. We likely will not see immediate family for large chunks of time once the weather turns as they will not mask indoors (they are vaccinated) and I’m just not willing to police their behavior.
Anon says
i think on some level this depends on where you live. we (unfortunately) live in a covid hotbed. we will be sending our kids to masked preschool, and we still have our nanny coming. (last year we were supposed to send our kids to preschool, but delayed a year). i am still WFH through at least September 30, and DH works in an office with 8 people, with enough space for 25 so they can spread out a lot. in terms of socializing, in the past month i’ve only been inside one person’s home and will probably try to stick to outdoors as much as possible. i haven’t done any indoor dining since March 2020 and don’t see that changing any time soon and haven’t really been doing outdoor dining either (i have been once since March 2020) because the tables are too close together for my comfort level. i go to the grocery store masked (never stopped). my kids go unmasked outside to the playground (where they somehow picked up RSV two weeks ago), zoo, swimming, etc. we live flying distance from vaccinated grandparents, so ask them to essentially quarantine for a week before their visit and test before their flight. (between when they got vaccinated and until a few weeks ago when the cdc changed course we didn’t have them do that.). we flew with our preschoolers to visit them last month and not sure when that will happen again. i have one solo trip planned next month to see friends that involves flying that as of now, i think i’ll keep
Anokha says
We have taken a relatively conservative approach through covid and will continue to do so. No indoor activities for our kids other than school (and masking while at school). No indoor dining. We are socializing indoors only with family who we know are vaccinated (and even then, we are trying to keep all gatherings outdoors).
Anon in FL says
We live in a COVID hotbed, and my entire family recently got COVID (presumably the Delta variant). DH and I were fully vaccinated, but are pretty sure we got it at an outdoor concert. The kids (4 and 1) did ok – the 4 year old ran a fever for a day or so, and she still has an occasional cough, while the 1 year old had no symptoms other than a runny nose. DH was sick for about a day, while I felt like I had the flu for 48 hours – including chills, body aches, fatigue, and a serious headache that wouldn’t go away. I still have shortness of breath and a cough.
For us, COVID was probably inevitable given where we live (hate this state so much), even though we are generally COVID cautious (other than the outdoor concert). Our daycare doesn’t require masks for kids (only adults), and my 4 year old won’t wear a mask if her friends aren’t.
Boston Legal Eagle says
The exhausting risk assessment never ends. Our plans as of now are: full time in person Kindergarten at the public school for the older one (everyone required to be masked) and full time in person preschool at our daycare for the younger one (masks for all staff and parents – we’re going to work hard on getting the little one used to masks more), parents still WFH through fall/winter?, we’ll have my parents over on the weekends as all of the adults are vaxxed and the childcare helps us tremendously, outdoor soccer for the older one (I think unmasked but we’ll see) and indoor swim for the older one (this is our riskiest move I think but he loves swimming and he’s learned so much).
Otherwise, we’re sticking to outdoor activities on the weekends, no travelling in the fall (just a trip to the Cape next week!!) and probably only one on one playdates mostly outside. I don’t think my husband and I will be doing indoor dining anymore for now – we really only had a few times of that during June.
Doing activities is not the most conservative but I have to weigh our sanity too. I’m still not sure whether Delta is worse for kids, or just more contagious.
GCA says
Our plans are almost exactly identical: in-person school/ daycare (masked, although masking in preschool is a bit of a zoo), adults WFH (DH’s office actually just shelved their return-to-office plans for the moment), largely outdoor activities + swim lessons. Still avoiding other indoor/ crowded activities, which is a pity, as the science museum was huge for our sanity in winters past.
Boston Legal Eagle says
We went to all the museums over the summer (Science, Children’s, Aquarium), thinking that they might be less of an option in the fall/winter. Which unfortunately seems to be the case, but it was nice to experience some normalcy for a bit.
Pogo says
Looks like another winter of forced march through the woods every Saturday!!
GCA says
I LOLed :D Yep, sorry kids…
anne-on says
HA! Yep, my kid was SO over hikes by the end of last winter. Sorry kiddo….
Anonymous says
Very close to this here as well. Indoor daycare for the baby and preschooler. In-person K for our oldest in a public school with mandatory masks for everyone and teachers must be vaccinated or tested weekly. The only indoor activity kids will be doing is swim lessons for the older two, although if cases get really bad here we may drop those as well. Keeping up outdoor activities including splash park, playground unmasked. We will still socialize with family indoors unmasked as I know they are vaccinated. Any travel will be to someplace we will do the same things as home (hiking, playgrounds, takeout food).
rakma says
We’re still waiting for the school district to announce their plans, but as long as masks are required we’re planning on sending both kids to school and dropping everything else.
If masks are not required we’ll ‘homeschool’ until the vax is approved, and still drop everything else. It’s not ideal but what has been?
Anonymous says
Kiddo will go to kindergarten. Masks not required due to a red state. Kiddo will do dance. Her class has only four kids and one teacher, and when she’s back in school, she’ll be masking. She will likely also continue private swim lessons. I WFH (with or without Covid) and barely leave the house. DH is WFH through at least the end of September. We’ll decide what kiddo does as far as masking at school after we learn more about whether an optional mask will reduce what counts as an “exposure” for her for isolation/staying home purposes. At the end of last schoolyear, our state passed a law preventing schools from requiring masks. We still had kiddo wear hers to pre-K, and she was one of only two kids out of 16 still in a mask. If no one else is wearing them, we’re not going to make kiddo do it. At least not at first.
Spirograph says
Agree that this depends a lot on where you live. Our area has high vax rates and mandatory masking indoors with very good compliance; my risk calculus would be different in, say, FL.
We are comfortable with school, organized activities, and indoor public places with masks. Where I’m being more cautious is the informal gatherings. I don’t think anyone in my area would actually propose an indoor birthday party, but that’s where I’d draw the line right now. When there are coaches and structure involved, I have a lot more confidence that masks mostly stay on. We’re sticking with outdoor socializing except for a few close friends. No more indoor dining for now, and we will continue to plan only driving vacations until our kids are vaccinated.
No Face says
I prioritize school and daycare. That will provide activity, socialization, etc. I am not signing up for any other formal activities (swim lessons, soccer, etc).
I predict that we will continue to see other households where all adults are vaccinated. We still do that in the yard and parks anyway. In the winter, I hope we can see a couple of families, but only if cases are low.
I’ve already stopped working out at the gym, indoor dining, etc after a few months of freedom.
Anon4this says
My dad keeps saying that with how contagious delta is everyone who is unvaccinated (and many of those who are vaccinated) are all getting in the Fall unless we go back to March 2020… so that’s another way of thinking about it (meaning either go back to March 2020 or just take your chances).
Anonymous says
I kind of agree with your dad here.
Back to School says
I think this is fairly accurate, unfortunately. Most unvaccinated schoolchildren will likely be exposed to Delta this fall unless you are in a unicorn community with >90% vaccination (for those eligible), mandatory masks, good ventilation, and distanced and ventilated lunch dining.
Anon says
Like others, we are prioritizing school. 5 and 7yo go to the same school where masks are required. 2yo goes to daycare where masks are required for adults and kids 4+. So they are all going. Both DH and I WFH and will be for the foreseeable future. We’ll stop grocery shopping in person, and move back to pick up. No other activities and we will stop seeing family once the weather turns and we can’t be outside (a bunch of cousins under the age of 7 at different schools = sickness spreading abounds when we gather).
I’m due with #4 in mid-October and still deciding if we pull 2yo from daycare 2 weeks before my due date (I can use my COVID leave for this). We won’t be accepting visitors without a vaccine and a negative COVID test.
We are in a high vaccination rate blue state and our daycare and private school are full of doctor kids (a lot of ED doctors for some reason), which makes me feel better that others will likely be taking the same precautions.
Anon says
I feel like there is so much less information now than last year – last year I felt like I knew what to do, what not to do, now I have friends whose lives are totally normal (kids in masks indoors, but otherwise going on flights, restaurants, activities etc.) and people who are not doing a single thing. It’s very confusing.
SC says
I work in person and am wearing a mask except with my team members, who are all vaccinated. Kiddo is going to school in person, where masks are required, but there are probably a few kids in his class who will have a legitimate medical exemption. We are still doing in-person, masked grocery store and pharmacy trips, doctors’ appointments, and Kiddo’s therapy appointments. (I have reservations about group therapy but don’t want to give up our spot.) DH and I will dine outdoors without Kiddo. We’ve dropped all “fun” outings to indoor spaces, even with masks. We’re asking grandparents to wear masks inside or visit outdoors. We’re not doing sports or other activities or large get-togethers. I’d probably consider a small, outdoor get-together if I knew the adults were vaccinated, but it’s so hot here that it doesn’t sound all that pleasant. With the combination of our Covid restrictions and the weather, we’re basically staying home except for school and work.
I’m outside New Orleans, so Covid is as bad here as it’s ever been, there are over 6000 children with Covid, and the pediatric hospitals are at capacity. There’s not a lot of data about risks to kids, but this really does seem different, either because more kids are getting the delta variant or because they’re having more severe symptoms.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Hi there. I’m in a COVID hotspot (but per the maps…almost every major city is one). Kids are 3.5 and 7 months. We’re sending them to school (baby stays with my Mom a few days a week and on sick days, which have been plentiful). DH and I are both WFH and go in as needed to our offices. DS #1 is in swim (pool is indoors, but heavily ventilated) and will start soccer in September. I don’t see us changing this at this point, but will re-assess.
DH takes DS #1 to our neighborhood diner on Sunday mornings. I get this is risky but it’s huge for mental health/DH’s ability to have alone time with DS #1. I trust DH to re-evaluate if it feels riskier than normal. Socializing only with vaxxed people, when DH and I eat out (1x a week), we try to eat outdoors where possible. etc. We have a family event coming up with ~25 vaxxed family members and will keep kids at home with a sitter.
DH and I have air travel planned (no kids)…at this point we’re still going to go and do a mix of masking/testing upon return. The huge worry for us right now is that DH has an international work trip to a low-vaxx country at the end of the month, and no signs yet of it being cancelled…
Probably a touch riskier than most others here, but as I’ve mentioned before 2020 almost broke us, AND I think we know a lot more now, so in this moment we can’t go back to that.
Anon says
3.5 year old and 15 month old; in a suburban area with decent (65%+) vaccination rates. We quarantined HARD for over a year due to pregnancy and a new baby (we literally went nowhere and saw no one but our nanny), and need to relax some of our previous rules simply for our own sanity at this point. We are prioritizing preschool. My oldest is due to start 3 day/week, 3 hour a day preschool next month. We kept her home last year but truly feel she needs to go this year to get some socialization and get used to being away from me and Nanny. Her program is unfortunately “masks optional” for kids under 5, which was fine with me when we paid our deposit in June but worries me more now. Fortunately, the class sizes are small (14 kids, 2 teachers) and they spend ~50% of those 3 hours outside (we live in a mild climate where that’s doable year round). I also signed my oldest up for a 45-minute outdoor sports class on the weekend that’s capped at 5 kids because she’s been begging to do a sport and the small class size/outdoors feels safe to me.
Other than that, we don’t do much. I predominately WFH and go in to the office one day/week to work in my private office. Vaccines are required. My husband works out of the house but in a private office suite (think WeWork) that’s largely empty and has no direct contact with any coworkers. We only take the kids to do outdoor dining and activities and wear masks for any errands we run indoors (kids stay home). Even my husband and I will only dine outdoors, even sans kids.
I was listening to a podcast about Covid and kids this weekend. When the topic of eventual approval of vaccines for kids came up, I started crying imagining my children getting vaccinated, if that tells you anything at all about how I’m doing with all of this.
Anon4This says
This raises a good point – what is a “good” vaccination rate at this point? I focus on % of eligible population vaxxed vs. total population because of the obvious reasons.
My county is right around 60% eligible folks vaccinated, with about 70% with 1+ dose, which in theory means the fully vaxxed rate should increase. I also live in Harris County which is the 3rd largest county in the country, so the volumes of people here, and in counties like LA and Cooks county are just so, so high compared to other places.
CCLA says
We also only dine outdoors, even sans kids. We never resumed indoor dining or gyms, and despite a few weeks of no required masks indoors we kept up masking most of the time anyway (we are in LA county where masking went back into effect last month even if vaccinated). Kids (almost 3 and almost 5) will continue going to preschool where masks are required. No indoor activities with groups, but we do the playgrounds, beach etc. We’ve done a few indoor overnight visits with fully vaccinated family members, but considering tightening those up too, will see how things play out in the next few weeks.
Older DD recently came down positive from exposure at school (this is only the second exposure since June 2020, but this one got us, ugh). Besides almost 5yo DD that was positive, there were four fully vaccinated adults in the house as we were hosting grandparents that week, and one unvaccinated almost 3yo. The only one who caught it was vaccinated grandpa who had a very mild case. Somehow the 3 yo who was sharing straws with the 5yo until the night before the test seems to have avoided it, go figure (a couple of days left in her quarantine though). Since younger DD seems to have not caught it and evidence on long term immunity after recovering from mild case is not super strong, we’re sticking with our current behavior even post-infection.
Anon says
We are continuing our current life as-is, with the addition of outdoor soccer on weekends and 4 days a week in person preschool (church preschool which was closed for the summer but got through a short masked spring session with no cases). DH is a SAHD, I go into the office 2 days a week where everyone is required to be vaxxed (but no masks, at least yet). I expect preschool will be masked (they haven’t officially announced yet but public schools are 100% masking so I fully expect them to follow). We will continue doing periodic unmasked indoor and outdoor playdates with friends and family (adults vaxxed, kids too young so not). We do not do indoor dining with DD, but DH and I will do indoor if it is not super crowded (last night the closest table was a good 10 feet). 2020 nearly broke us with a full lockdown for close to a year because of high risk individuals (DH and me, my mother, my inlaws) and so we had a bubble among us but I can’t and won’t (and neither will they) do that again now that all of the high-risk individuals are vaccinated. My daughter is not high risk and so for us the benefits to socialization, enrichment and learning in in-person environments far outweighs the risk of her getting Covid (and since we are fully vaxxed, we are not overly concerned about us getting Covid, other than it being miserable but overwhelmingly likely not deadly, in the same way I took reasonable measures like avoiding indoor play places to try and avoid norovirus every winter in a pre-covid world).
I am still trying to figure out if there is a way to host some version of Friendsgiving this year (typically a 20-30 person indoor party with a full spread, obviously canceled last year) in an outdoors distanced way, maybe longer time with a sort of happy hour drop in style so fewer folks congregate at once, but given the number of young kids we would normally invite, we will likely either end up not doing it or trimming the guest list way down which kind of defeats the fun part (all adults have been vaccinated). TBD how it looks in November.
Anon says
well i hope everyone had a much better weekend than i did. DH was out of town for the first time since March 2020 and my dad (who my kids know well and normally love) came to help. one of my 3 year old twins, would not let him near her, even to play, and i swear one child was screaming for at least 85% of the day. nothing was fun bc i was just bracing for the next meltdown. and while i know my dad means well, he of course had his comments (judgments) which i didn’t have the patience for, given everything else going on. oh and according to him, one of my twins should see a therapist (the last time he was here, he said the other twin ‘needed help’)
Boston Legal Eagle says
Ugh, sorry. Age 3 is rough, even without a new person in the mix. I’m sorry he made you feel judged – I guarantee everything your 3 year old did is developmentally normal, which unfortunately looks like a lot of meltdowns and like they hate everything and everyone at times. I’m all for therapy but a bunch of toddler tantrums is just normal.
Anonymous says
Ugh, I’m sorry. And solidarity on the grandpa judgment front. My dad and my preschooler have a great relationship but when she does normal preschooler things that are less than kind or push boundaries, he gets really huffy. Also massive judgment from him that we don’t just talk to our kid and ask her to do various things (spoiler alert: we do, but she’s 4 and it’s not always that easy).
anon says
My dad is similarly judgy and doesn’t have a good grasp on what’s developmentally normal. It’s with all of the grandkids, not just my kids. It’s become kind of a pain point. That generation of dads wasn’t always the most hands-on, shall we say? And therefore, their perceptions are not 100% accurate. OP, you have my sympathies. My dad got a touch better when we called him on it and told him how hurtful it was.
Anokha says
Commiseration. My parents are both SO judgy about discipline (and it’s really hard not to snap back, “Well, I know you just slapped us, but we aren’t doing that with our kids.)
SC says
My FIL is judgmental of our parenting and our kid. He tends to attribute intent and manipulation for every behavioral issue, and has since Kiddo was one year old. It can never be just that Kiddo is overstimulated, tired, hungry, upset, etc.–it has to be that he’s seeking attention, trying to get out of something, in a power struggle, or whatever. So, however we react, we’re essentially “giving in” to the tantrum. If we take Kiddo home, Kiddo won because he wanted to leave. If we remove Kiddo from the situation, Kiddo won because he got one-on-one attention. If we wait for Kiddo to calm down and continue with the fun activity, Kiddo won because we didn’t do anything. Basically, if we don’t hit our child in response to a tantrum (which we don’t!), Kiddo wins. It’s so hard to parent when every behavioral issue is viewed as your kid *trying* to win some greater war against us, as opposed to just trying to get through his day.
IHeartBacon says
This is so heartbreaking to read. It tells me a lot about how your FIL was as a parent and I feel bad for your partner.
At the same time, I think it says a lot about you as a parent that you recognize that a lot of times it’s just about your kid “trying to get through his day.” You are a great mom.
FVNC says
Commiseration. Husband is on long-term travel and a grandparent came to help with the kids for a couple weeks. While I was so grateful for the help, my 4 yr old’s behavior was awful while grandparent was here — to the point that grandparent said I should “speak to our pediatrician.” Um, he’s a 4 year old boy throwing temper tantrums. Fun? No. Normal? Yes. I could sense the judgment the entire time, which really added to my stress.
Anon says
Both of my parents are judgemental about kid behavior. I think they have repressed it from when I was that age.
TheElms says
Vicarious shopping help please? I need a black cocktail dress for an early October wedding. It has to be black and can be any length except floor length. Kicker is I’ll be 18 weeks pregnant and I expect to be showing and carrying a bit bigger than 18 weeks because its my second. I’ve looked but haven’t found anything I like much.
TheElms says
I probably need a 12-14 (so large or XL) which seems to narrow the choices a lot.
Lydia says
I would look at Asos (they have a lot of maternity formalwear, but also nonmaternity stuff)… it’s hit or miss but I’ve found great party and cocktail dresses there
Curious says
Would a blinged up Edwina or Divine from Envie de Fraise work?
https://www.enviedefraise.com/362-maternity-evening-dresses
Curious says
Note that their sizing runs true; I am a pre-pregnancy 10 who has gained at least 3 cup sizes, and their 10-12 works for me. Returns are through DHL and a bit of a pain, but I really like the dress I have from them and got several more shirts of theirs secondhand.
Anon says
Is this one black enough ? https://www.tiffanyrose.com/us/maternity/clothing/ISDBS/Imogen-Maternity-Shift-Dress-Black.html. Or maybe https://www.tiffanyrose.com/us/maternity/clothing/BSDNS/Bardot-Maternity-Shift-Dress-Night-Sky.html ?
FWIW I think you should be able to fit into a non-maternity dress that has a little stretch to it. I’ve worn this dress to a number of wedding and that kind of style really worked with a bump for me: https://www.renttherunway.com/shop/designers/slate_willow/navy_sweetheart_dress
Another baby name question says
For those of you with a different last name than your spouse: did you consider giving your kids your last name as a middle name? We’re expecting our first and they will have my husband’s last name. Part of me really wants this kid + any future kids to either all have my last name as middle names or to have the matrilineal chain of maiden names as middle names (so first kid gets my last name, second kid gets my mother’s maiden name, etc). But another part of me wonders if maybe this is a subconscious effort to assert my connection to them and if I step back it is obvious that I’ll be important, name or no name. I would love to hear from anyone who has maybe wrestled with similar things.
Anonymous says
We did that! My daughter is FirstName FirstMiddle MyLast HisLast. We were pretty well set on FirstMiddle, as it’s a name that many strong women in both of our families have had. We went back and forth for months on whether to do two middles, two last names, or hyphenate. Our last names just didn’t sound great together in either order, so we settled on two middle names instead. Also – if we’d just done FirstName FirstMiddle HisLast, it would’ve been an unfortunate three-letter word, so throwing MyLast in there breaks that up.
Anonymous says
Same, we do Firstname Middlename Mylast Hislast.
Anon says
We did the exact same thing! I technically have two middle names as well and decided two middle names was easier than two last names, but we’re planning on our child using FirstName MyLast HisLast socially. She can always drop it in the future if she feels it’s too cumbersome.
Anonymous says
Every woman I know who did not take her spouse’s name at marriage gave her kids her own last name (not the spouse’s), gave her kids her last name as a middle name, or gave her kids a hyphenated last name. I do not know anyone who kept her own last name but did not pass it along to her children in some way.
Anonymous says
I didn’t! I personally don’t care that much about having my name as part of their name and my last name is an unusual noun that would be weird as a middle name. So I didn’t do it. Literally zero regrets about any of it. My name is my name. My husband’s name is his name. My kids’ names are their names. It was less about passing a name on to me than it was about keeping my own identity (which I associated with my birth name, but not everyone does).
Anon says
My son has my grandfather’s first name but his middle and last names are my husband’s. I did not change my name when I married.
Many of my contemporaries (born late 70s/early 80s) kept their last names but the kids get the husband’s last name.
Anon says
We did. My wife and I both have names as First – Mom’s Last As Middle – Dad’s Last and our kids are all First -Mom1’s Last As Middle – Mom2’s Last as Last.
anon in brooklyn says
We gave my daughter my husband’s last name, but our last names sound really bad next to each other. I have the same middle name as my mother, and I gave my daughter the same middle name too. I’m happy for her to have a completely matrilineal name.
TheElms says
We did something similar. My husband and my last name sound awful together and if said quickly make an unfortunate word. Instead I gave my daughter my grandmother’s first name as her middle name.
Curious says
Same here. Our little one’s middle name goes back to an nth great grandmother in the early 1800s. She’ll be the fourth in a row oldest daughter to have it as first or middle :).
anon says
We considered it but ultimately opted against it because we had chosen another first/middle name combo that was meaningful to us. We may do it with the next child, if we’re able to have one.
(We gave my son his dad’s last name in the first place because there are half-siblings and we wanted them to share a last name. For everyone who worries that having a different last name than your kid causes problems, btw, it has never been an issue.)
GCA says
Hmm, is the crux of the matter about specific names or about a maternal/ matrilineal connection? I kept my name on marriage. My kids have DH’s last name, but the Asian half of their heritage from me comes through in their middle names.
DLC says
Same. My kids all have Chinese middle names. They actually have middle names that are [my last]-[Chinese name]. It was actually my husband’s idea to my my last in front, which i thought was really thoughtful of him.
Not that anyone uses the middle names, though.
AnonATL says
My son is indirectly named after great grandmothers- Think same starting letter and names that honor the heritage of his great grandmothers. Assuming we do have kid #2, he/she will probably be named after some combination of great grandfathers.
My brother and I both have our grandmothers maiden names as middle names. It bothered me as a kid because I got the more unusual name, but I like it as an adult and kept it when I changed my name when I got married. My mom had a hyphenated last name that caused so many issues with legal documents, etc.
fwiw, I did change my name to First + middle + Married. My brother carried the torch of my maiden name to his son. I might feel differently if I had sisters or was an only child.
Anonymous says
This is also how I felt like my family was represented in my LOs name. I have a different last name than my husband and son, but that never bothered me. (I also sometimes use that last name “socially” – like on xmas cards: the X family.)
My family is very big on naming children after other family members. If my son had been a girl the middle name would 100% have been my first name, which is my mother’s middle name, my godmother’s name (mom’s cousin) and my beloved great grandmothers name. It was a boy, so his middle name is my brother’s name (who in turn is named for other family members); we also considered a derivative of my grandfather’s name. If we have another son we will use the back up middle name in his name.
Also my last name has 4 syllables. I wouldn’t wish that hyphenated on anymore.
Anon says
My kids have my last name as their middle names. Why not? I think it’s a nice tradition. Middle names are generally pointless so you may as well make it count.
Anonymous says
Obviously you are extremely connected to your kids, whether you share a name or not. That said, it’s not frivolous or unreasonable at all to want some piece of your name in your kid’s name. My kids have my last name as a second middle name, but I think your idea of incorporating your mother’s last name is nice, too. (my spouse and I have different last names)
So Anon says
A different perspective: My mom took my Dad’s last name upon their marriage, and my middle name is my mother’s maiden name. I love the connection, which is also highly tied to our ancestry. I took my ex’s last name when we were married. I will likely change my last name in a few years to either my maiden name or my mother’s maiden name. Your connection to your children will undoubtedly be strong, and I love having the official name connection as well.
Anon says
I’d say feel free to go for it but also realize that the amount you think about the kid’s middle name is currently at a peak. I have three and one has my maiden name as her middle name. With girls it’s more likely to get dropped down the line, so maybe think about that. I do not assume she will still carry my maiden name as her middle name as an adult (I tried to get away with keeping my middle plus maiden name when I got married and the social security office didn’t have enough characters available and that was that).
On the other hand, every one of my kids – all three – has (and goes by) a name that comes from my side of the family. I figured they got dad’s last name, so I was the rest of the name. DH was instrumental in choosing but off of or inspired by my family tree. That feels more meaningful to me and certainly is something that comes up more on a daily basis!
Anon Lawyer says
That is true about it being at a peak, huh? I knew my daughter’s first name before I even got pregnant but agonized about her middle name until like two days before I went into labor. I absolutely love her middle name but think about it . . . basically never.
Lily says
So what if it’s a “subconscious effort to assert [your] connection”? Why shouldn’t you want to, and why does your husband get to do exactly that (by giving them his name) but not you? We hyphenated our kids’ names and I have no regrets. I suspect some of my friends wish they had done the same.
Let’s walk the feminist walk!
Aunt Jamesina says
Amen!
Anon says
+1. Why is it bad to assert your connection? What about being a woman makes you less worthy than your husband to give your kids your name?
I gave my kids my surname as a middle. If my husband’s surname wasn’t much easier for English speakers, I would have strongly considered giving my kids my surname.
I’ve yet to run into trouble, but I wanted to include both our surnames to minimize the chance of someone thinking either of us aren’t really their parents (crossing borders, daycare, hospital, etc).
Anon says
I hyphenated and as I get older, I wish I had just changed it fully. When I got married, I was very protective of my individual identity tied to my name, but as I’m getting older, I’m much more connected to this life than last name of a father I really don’t have a great relationship with. My kids all have my husband’s last name (which I am using more and more as my last name).
Kid #1, my husband and all the male relatives have the same middle name which is my father in law’s mother’s maiden name. She was one of 4 girls and gave her last name to her sons who gave it to their sons and so on.
Kid #2 has a naming tradition from my family – middle name is shared with my mother and grandmother.
anon says
Yes, I did that with both of my sons (not hyphenated, just middle name). I am South Asian and DH is white.
anon says
^^ ETA: My middle name is my father’s first name, which is common in some South Asian cultures. It always irked me that I had both my dad’s first name AND last name as part of my name, but zero trace of my mother’s name. So I told DH up front that I wanted my kids to have my last name as their middle name and he was fine with that.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Also South Asian, with a white husband, and did the same – First Name/My Last Name as middle/DH Last Name for both of our kids. Also have my Dad’s name as my middle name, which I felt odd about as a kid, but love now, especially since he passed away.
Anon says
I know a couple people who have done the middle maiden name thing, with maiden names both common and unusual, so it can work. For my family, our daughter has the same first name as me (family tradition), and has my husband’s last name, and she goes by her middle name, so it’s a kind of similar type of arrangement. But it felt okay because (a) it was very important to my husband to have another generation with his last name, as no one else is likely to carry the name down and (b) my siblings have kids with my last name, so my family name was already out there and her first name was much more important to me. YMMV
FVNC says
Yes, we did. Both my kids have my last name as their middle name and my husband’s last name as their last name. For us, it worked great as it meant only one name (their first name) to choose. Husband and I were both totally on board with the approach. It sounds like your husband may not be? I love the explicit connection to them…maybe I don’t understand having to frame it as “subconscious”? Why would it be problematic that you want your kids to share part of your name? Rhetorical questions of course, just trying to provide some questions to think through so you can sort through your thoughts/feelings about this.
Anon Lawyer says
My mom did that for my brother and me but she did actually end up taking my dad’s name after we were born. I do like having that connection to her family but it doesn’t really mean THAT much to me, but it might be different if she hadn’t ultimately taken my dad’s name. We were never particularly close to her parents so since she doesn’t have that name, it doesn’t mean a ton to me. That said, I think it’s a nice thing to do and not having a “first name” middle name has been a non-issue in my life. Also, 90% of girls I went to school with had the middle name “Anne,” “Elizabeth,” or “Marie,” so this always felt more meaningful than that.
Aunt Jamesina says
If our first is a girl, it gets my last name, and a boy gets his. Second kid will get the opposite last name. A middle name is not an equivalent to a last name for us.
Anonymous says
My daughter has my last name as her last name, and her father’s as a middle name. No other middle name. I am extremely happy with this decision. I also have my mother’s birth last name (which she got from her father) and I always liked this.
Anon says
How do you get over resentment at spouse for never being around? My partner is gone for work nearly 60% of the time. We had childcare fall through this week and I’m scrambling to pick up the pieces and try and do my job while piecing together childcare. It sucks and I’m resentful that OF COURSE it’s my problem. It’s always my problem, because I’m physically present. As far as money goes, I make 85-90% as much as spouse, so my financial contributions to the household are significant. I’ve spoken to spouse about this and they are job searching for something where we can all live together full time. But that was in January and it’s August and I’m a bubbling pot of resentment and short temper while trying to take good care of my kids, work my job and maintain some sense of self.
Anonymous says
This used to be us. I moved to where DH’s job is located and WFH fulltime (go into my office once every couple months for a few days). The reality is that I can do my job fully remote whereas it is a lot more difficult for DH. I only go into the office to keep up relationships with colleagues. DH goes in to examine product that he designs, build prototypes, etc.
Anonymous says
He needs to come to the table with a plan for the interim and how he will help deal when things go off the rails. How can he adjust his travel schedule when childcare falls through? Can he fly back over night on Wednesday instead of Thursday morning so that he can cover Thursday etc. If he’s away, he can just as easily text or call a sitter as you can.
This summer DH and I have traded off responsibility for daycamp and it is lifechanging. We do week on/week off. I never have to worry about We still split pick ups/drop offs but we are each responsible for organizing who does what on which days or whoever is responsible for the week has to do all the ones they have not prearranged. Person whose turn it is to be in charge is responsible for keeping track of which days have swimming or not etc and making sure kids have the stuff they need.
Practice the phrase “I can’t do it so you will have to figure something out.” for when you have covered your share. He can look for sitters on care dot com just as easily as you can.
Anon says
i think what is tricky about this, is that if you are physically present, it impacts you the most. and while not ideal, in some sense, the non-physically present person needs to pick up slack in other areas (even though it is not the same). in certain jobs, you have to keep your phone off/away, so if you are in the middle of performing surgery, you might miss the text from the babysitter that they got a flat tire and can’t show up. i totally get the resentment though and i feel it all the time too, granted i earn significantly less than my spouse.
anon says
I don’t have a good solution. My husband isn’t away as much as yours, but his job has more evenings, weekends, and weird hours than mine for about a five-month stretch every year. I also earn about 80% of what he does, so it’s not like I can just peace out of my job to take care of things on the homefront. The resentment is real. What’s helped somewhat is giving him concrete tasks that he can take off my plate. That definitely doesn’t help with emergencies that come up, though. In the short term, I would be looking into backup child care options that can be available on short notice. Easier said than done, I realize.
Anon says
Why, Hello. Yes, I do very much know this situation. My husband leaves for work for 2-4 months, during which he is 0% available to help, then he has vacation for 2-4 months. Sprinkled in there, he sometimes has to go to trainings or meetings.
We have young kids and I work full time. Part of me hates to admit this but, I took the less ambitious path. I said no to the promotion – because I needed to be able to be the person who could be there 100% for the house and the kids while my husband is gone. Roughly once a year, I come on here and complain on a rough day and people tell me to divorce him, so that’s always fun, but I actively choose to be married. He doesn’t want a different job and so this is my ‘price of admission’.
Now, what do I do? I do whatever I need to do to not be resentful. That has looked like: buying a peloton, planning vacations for when he’s home and there’s no pandemic, paying for childcare, taking personal days to catch up on household stuff while the kids are in school/daycare, having grandparents come and take care of kids so I can just go sit in the target parking lot by myself, and lowering some standards.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
+1. This is me. DH is Counsel at big law and does as much to support as possible while billing insane amounts. I’ve also got the “divorce him” notes when posting anon after venting since he doesn’t chop vegetables and wash pump parts after signing off work at 1 AM.
I do the same thing, as well as have a ton of family help (and hired when needed), outsource (grocery delivery, cleaning, etc.), and have 0 shame in treating myself as needed. Recognizing my burnout and talking to a therapist is helping. The PTO days to rest and take care of lingering life-stuff have been critical in a time where there is no real vacation.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
*Except for the “saying no” part – that’s one place I cannot bend at this time, and I have a big job, just different industry and pay scale.
shortperson says
i am also counsel in biglaw and make twice as much as my spouse that does not get me any slack at home. :-( other than repeated suggestions to only eat takeout.
Anon says
Oh hi, this used to be my marriage pre-Covid (and still is now, to some extent, although things have improved). This is so hard.
Can you determine set times where your partner is the “default parent” and you know you’ll get a break? For example, my husband was almost always home Sunday mornings and would carve out 3-4 hours to take our daughter to the park and to lunch, so I could have a break. Just knowing I would have that time and could look forward to that on long days was huge for me. It was also good in building my partner’s confidence in handling our kid solo, since he really didn’t get a lot of time to practice that.
This is also where outsourcing comes in, and I basically pay for extra help to stand in where my partner would. We have a nanny. We have a housekeeper come every two weeks. We have a yard service. We get meal delivery both for us and for the kids 3 days/week. I have two extra babysitters I can call for additional help beyond our nanny in a pinch. Sometimes I get a sitter on the weekend even when I don’t technically “need” one just for a few hours of peace and quiet and to get some things done around the house. It sucks to spend the money but the resentment of always having to be on sucks even more. Even better if your spouse can help line up some of this extra help to remove the extra work from your plate.
Anon says
i just can’t with the anti-maskers. in my local moms facebook group, people are posting to find out which preschools don’t require masks, bc they want a school where their child can ‘breathe freely.’ the pediatric ICU where I live is full. what is wrong with people
anon says
For the love. People are dumb. I have no other explanation for this. It’s infuriating.
Anonymous says
Right there with you. I posted on Friday that a right-wing militia group is planning anti-mask protests on the first day of school. It makes me want to move to another country.
FVNC says
In indoor public spaces (which we won’t be going to for much longer — I’m talking about places like libraries, nothing crazy), I have just started to say in a normal voice, “[Kid], please move away from that child who isn’t wearing a mask. It’s not safe for you.” (these are kids who are clearly elementary aged.) I don’t even care if I look like an a$$hole.
Modest Mouse says
My feisty seven-year-old is very fashion-focused. This year, she has gotten very into short/tight shorts (like short bike shorts intended to be worn as backup under a dress or skirt) and “crop tops,” meaning t-shirts that are two sizes too small (short and tight) that she borrows from her little sister’s drawer, or alternatively her actual shirts which she knots above her belly button. My approach so far has been to ignore this; while it’s definitely not how I’d dress her, what she’s wearing is reflective of what she sees women wearing on the streets, and if we attempt to police her clothing choices, it’s going to become a power struggle. However, my partner took her to a social event yesterday and came home to tell me that he was embarrassed by how she looked. He wants to intervene. I shared my thoughts on it (which I’ve shared before, but perhaps he wasn’t listening), but I also said I would ask some friends as a gut check. So, friends, please share your thoughts!
anon says
I realize this sounds anti-feminist and anti-body positive, but I actually agree with your partner. I have a similarly feisty daughter around the same age, and I am very uncomfortable with the booty shorts/crop top look. It seems so s3xualized and weird for a young child to have that much of their body on display in public, and I can’t get past it. I’ve had frank discussions with her that the short shorts are for under her dresses, and that it’s hard to play, go on the slides, etc. with really short shorts. Longer bike shorts are fine. She doesn’t like it, but I’m the parent. I don’t buy crop tops currently, but if I did, she would be required to wear a longer tank underneath.
If your partner is bothered, I think you need to listen. You can provide your daughter with plenty of fashion choices and options without making ALL the choices available. Mine sees that stuff in the stores and is drawn to it, but I’ve drawn a line at anything revealing because I find it inappropriate for young kids.
Anonymous says
+1. This is one way where you CAN fight back against sexualization of children – because you’re the parent who gets to decide on the clothes for your young daughter.
anon says
Right. I don’t love the idea that we’re supposed to throw our hands up and say, welp, it’s just the style! No. They’re children. It’s my prerogative to guide them toward choices that are age-appropriate (and fun! Go crazy with patterns and colors, my child).
Anonymous says
+1 I agree. Just because your child sees grown women dressing like this doesn’t mean your 7 year old should dress like a grown woman. I’d straight up say no, that’s too old for you. Don’t even care if it causes a huge fight. You’re the adult you buy the clothes. It’s like if my daughter tries to run out in the front yard in her underwear. She’s 4 but looks 6-7. I say “we don’t show people our underwear”
Anonymous says
+1 I take a hard stance against this. It can be hard because my kiddo is a string bean, so it isn’t always easy to find shorts that fit her waist that are the right length. But longer bike shorts can typically get us there. Kiddo will have her whole life to be over-s3xualized. I’m not going to contribute to it.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I would focus on that idea that certain clothes are for specific occasions only – i.e. she wouldn’t wear a bikini out to play in the park (I hope?!) because too much skin is exposed, and similar idea for short shorts and crop tops. Maybe a blanket rule on no belly buttons showing?
It’s really sad to me that even little girls are picking up on the sexualization’s of women’s bodies (and that stores are making crop tops for little girls!) There are so many cute clothes out there that are way less revealing. I guess I sound like a middle aged mom now.
Spirograph says
Yup. My mom had a blanket rule of no belly button showing for the entirety of my childhood and I turned out fine! Of course I skirted it when she couldn’t see me, but I think it was OK as a baseline.
Anonymous says
Gut check? Not appropriate. Your child is mimicking styles meant for adults and not dressing for the occasion (bike shorts aren’t pants!). Why not have a talk about how it’s ok to dress like that when playing with a friend in the backyard, but that when we go to social events, we have to make sure that our clothing is appropriate?
Anon says
does her school have a dress code? or is this how she dresses outside of school? my kids are younger, so i have not encountered this quite yet, but growing up i recall my parents’ approach generally being that we wear certain things depending on where we are going. so if i was going to school, synagogue, summer camp or wherever, we had to wear what was appropriate for that occasion (e.g. you cannot wear flip flops to school or camp, closed toe shoes were required). will it cool down soon where you live? like it won’t be weather appropriate for crop tops and short shorts?
Anon says
My six year old is doing something similar, particularly the knotted shirts. I don’t really think she’s seeing many women on the streets like that -maybe I’m just blind to it? She also really likes to wear bathing suit tops as a shirt (tankini-style, so not crazy revealing, but still). She’s usually really proud of her creativity in re-fashioning her clothes, so I try not to intervene too much. (Though she did really want us to “match” the other day by wearing similar shirts tied up – I managed to work mine out to a more tasteful tie-style). I did tell her that she had to cover her tummy for school, and she accepted that.
The other day, she decided she wanted to “work out,” and put on some biker shorts and a sports-bra-like top she got as a hand-me-down from a cousin who did dance. This is similar to what I wear to work out, so I didn’t think to say much, but she kept it on for a visit to the neighbors later -the neighbor dad was kind of picking on her -“we have a dress code over here”, just teasing (she plays with the neighbor kids all the time, so she’s used to this family and this was clearly intended to be funny), but it did make me wonder if I should have had her change, so I guess I’m saying I get where you’re coming from, though I’m not entirely sure how to best address it.
Anonymous says
Yeh I’d prob be uncomfortable if a 6 year old came to my house in just a sports bra. You should’ve put a shirt on her. This whole thread is dumbfounding to me
Anon says
I guess I get what you’re saying, but it’s not really a sports bra on a 6 year old – just a cropped, snug tank top. It’s not like she has anything for a bra to hold up. She just chose it because it resembled the sports bra I wear.
anon says
I know the type of top you’re talking about. I would not dream of sending her to the neighbor’s house in that. (Dance culture is a whole other deal that I could rant about. Why are cropped snug tank tops even a thing for children in dance?)
Anonymous says
Still not appropriate and probably made the neighbor dad very uncomfortable because he had to be very careful about not appearing to stare at her.
Anonymous says
You should send your daughter to our ballet school. The uniform is a plain scoopneck leotard and tights. For jazz and character elective classes they wear jazz pants or a circle skirt over the uniform leotard. They are not allowed to leave the building after class without warm-ups on over the leotard. No competitions. One performance a year where the “costume” is a skirt worn over the uniform. Any kid who showed up in a crop top would get sent home.
Anonymous says
Ugh, I struggle with this so much. I hate that we police girl’s bodies in a way we typically don’t for boys. However, there will always be situations were certain clothes are not appropriate – like a snowsuit at a swimming pool as an extreme example. Maybe she can wear these clothes at home, but not out in public?
Anonymous says
But I doubt you would let your young son attend a social event at a neighbor’s house in extremely tight bike shorts and a crop top, right? It’s about what’s appropriate for the social situation.
IHeartBacon says
I hear you on the comment about hating that we police girl’s bodies in a way that we don’t for boy, but also, I don’t hear that a lot of 6 year old boys try to show off their bodies by tying up their shirts, etc., so what policing of them in this regard is there really to do?
I think most of the policing of boys’ clothing comes in the form of not letting them wear “girl” clothes (e.g., pink, stuff with flowers and butterflies on it, etc.), and I think folks do A LOT of that, unfortunately.
As for my boy, he wants to be naked from the waist down all the time and I always have to tell him that when we leave that house, we always have to wear bottoms. For a while he would ask me why, and I would just say that we always have to wear bottoms when we leave the house because it is unacceptable for people to walk around naked when they leave their home. As for wearing pink clothing, etc, I don’t police him on that at all.
Anonymous says
I dunno, I’m an equal opportunity policer, and try to use similar language with my sons as with my daughter. “That shirt is too small for you, I can see your tummy! Please go pick a different one. That one is for [younger sibling / donation] now.” Their motive is usually different– they just love the favorite shirt they’re outgrowing rather than trying to look cute — but the outcome is the same. I constantly have to remind my sons that shirts are required when they’re outside, and athletic shorts are not allowed at church. If the saggy jeans thing comes back, I will make them pull up their pants and stop showing the world their underwear.
IHeartBacon says
This. Policing is not really the same thing as parenting. You are being a good parent for teaching your kids to dress appropriately for the occasion. Yes, some parents may be raising the next Zuckerberg, and those kids can wear hoodies for the rest of their lives, but for the rest of us with kids whose first job will be McDonald’s, we need to teach our kids that they’ll have to wear a uniform at the job. They need to know that sometimes, you just have to dress for the occasion.
Spirograph says
My 6 year old is similar with the cartwheel shorts as shorts (although she doesn’t do crop tops, because I do not buy those), and she’s recently gotten into trying to wear her two piece swimsuit with the bikini top instead of the coordinating T-shirt.
I don’t love it, but I try to give a reason other than the cut of the clothes when I redirect. If we’re at the pool between 10am and 6pm, she needs her shoulders covered, full stop. I don’t fight the shorts if we’re just at home, but if we’re going out in public, she needs to wear a skirt over them, just like she needs to wear shorts over actual underwear.
To me, this doesn’t need to be about policing or sexualization of young girls, it’s about dressing for the situation. I wouldn’t wear clubbing clothes to be around my mom’s friends, and I wouldn’t wear shorts to the office. I’m not sure what the social event was, but if it’s not something that an adult should wear a crop top and bike shorts to, it’s not ok for a kid to wear that either.
IHeartBacon says
This. Well said.
Anonymous says
There are purportedly feminist arguments on both sides of the issue.
The arguments I have heard for letting kids wear skimpy clothes include
– Self-determination
– Body positivity
– Women and girls are not responsible for men’s reactions to their clothing. Society should be policing the adult men who leer at young girls wearing crop tops, not the girls who wear the crop tops.
Arguments against letting kids wear skimpy clothes:
– No matter how much a girl thinks wearing skimpy clothing or acting in other $exualized ways is her own idea, girls have been socialized to please boys by dressing and acting this way and it’s debatable how much the choice to wear skimpy clothing is really free will as opposed to buying in to what the patriarchy is selling.
– Whether or not women and girls should be able to wear whatever they want without being leered at, catcalled, or assaulted, the reality of life is that you are less likely to get unwanted attention if you are wearing clothing that is not overly revealing. Little girls, especially, should not have to bear the burden of male reactions to their clothes.
– Sun protection. What kid is really going to reapply sunscreen between the hem of her crop top and the waistband of her shorts every hour?
– Appropriateness to the occasion.
My take on this is that your appearance reflects how you want others to react to you and treat you. Many of us use dress and grooming for strategic purposes at work. How often do we see discussions here or on the main board about what to wear to build credibility with a jury, or in an interview, or in a presentation with senior executives? The playground is not a boardroom, but if you dress your 7-year-old in a crop top and booty shorts you are absolutely signaling to any weirdos hanging around that it’s okay for them to stare at your child.
Aunt Jamesina says
I think there are perfectly reasonable arguments to be made on both sides, but just wanted to add that I have a picture of myself at seven years old on a trip to Disney World in the early 90s wearing bike shorts and a (neon pink and orange) spandex crop top. I think I turned out just fine:-)
Allie says
I am feminist AF and would not let my daughter dress like that because I do think it’s important to be appropriate for the situation and I want to keep my kids safe in ways I can control — I just say that our society has arbitrary rules that we generally follow because that is how living in a society works and the rules for clothes are X, Y, Z (I mean it’s all pretty random right?). For certain things I do just flat out blame the patriarchy, which I talk about in age appropriate terms when relevant (why my husband can take out the garbage in his PJs but I don’t feel comfortable taking out the garbage in my summer PJs sans bra).
Anonymous says
Your kid isn’t into “fashion” they’re into pop culture. If your kid was actually into fashion, then the answer is simple. They need sewing classes, time spent at fashion museums, time watching fashion historians on YouTube, time spent going to thrift stores, buying things and remaking them, documentaries on Coco Channel, etc.
Your kid is a consumer, playing with a limited understanding and some blah tik tok choices.
Redirecting her to actual fashion and production rather than consumption is the right choice here, not policing her choices. Also tell her to stay the f away from her siblings’ clothes.
Hems says
Have any of you had (or considered) a hemorrhoidectomy? I was gifted a few sizable ones following baby #1 (despite only pushing 20 min), and I imagine they’ll just continue to get worse after subsequent pregnancies. It sounds like a very rough recovery, which is why I’m not planning on doing anything until our family is complete.
Anonymous says
Have you seen your doctor? There are prescription creams that can shrink them much more effectively than Preparation H.
Hems says
Yes, I had an appointment with the PA for a colorectal surgeon and will see the surgeon in a few weeks. Was prescribed a cream for a different issue (fissure – ugh) but nothing for the external hems.
Anonymous says
A surgeon will be biased towards surgery. My PCP prescribed a cream that would shrink them for a while. I had to use it for several rounds, but (crossing fingers) they haven’t returned in quite a while.
AnotherAnon says
This is not an instance of surgeons gonna surge: Fissures require surgery. They don’t go away on their own. No advice OP, sorry.
Anonymous says
She asked about hemorrhoids, not fissures.
anon for obvious reasons says
I’m you. During my first pregnancy, developed hemorrhoids during second trimester, then a*al fissure at 40 weeks pregnant. That was miserable. The fissure healed without surgery. The hemorrhoids improved but never went away, and then they grew worse during pregnancy #2. Mine were internal and mixed, prolapsing. Ugh, I shudder just remembering how uncomfortable that whole situation was. The good news is that I had a hemorrhoidectomy about 8 months after my second pregnancy. It wasn’t exactly fun, but my recovery was easier than both of my C-sections. There are a lot of horror stories if you read any sort of forum or board on hemorrhoids, but that wasn’t my experience at all. Good luck! My surgery was definitely worth it.
Anonymous says
Where is a good place to buy a toddler blanket? I’m sure the answer is literally anywhere, but I am looking for recs for something that holds up for a while. TIA!
Anonymous says
For what purpose? I bought a fleece Pillowfort brand one from Target in the spring for preschool and it’s held up well.
Anonymous says
OP here – yes, daycare naps. And I think we want an extra one for home so she can practice with a blanket. She is young and has been using sleep sacks until now.
Boston Legal Eagle says
We have two Zak and Zoey plush blankets and they are awesome – so soft and they’ve held up from being machine washed and dried for years now. I think we got them from Babies R Us (RIP), but other places online sell them too. I also got a random throw blanket from Target with flowers (over Easter) and it’s very nice and good for the summer as it’s pretty light.
Anon says
Help me figure out how to deal with this situation with my in-laws– This situation keeps coming up when we visit my in-laws or when they visit us. I have a 5 month old. SIL has an almost 2 year-old that has really significant developmental issues and likely severe ASD. SIL and MIL are still coming to terms with the severity of my nephew’s special needs and often do not share information about it and try to normalize a lot of his behavior.
Example. SIL, MIL, and nephew came to visit this weekend. MIL was supposed to be watching nephew while my SIL did things like take a break, go for a run, or shower, but MIL instead would go do things like read a book or do crossword. So, DH and I ended up scrambling around trying to host, care for our own baby, and watch our nephew. Watching our nephew is a lot more exhausting/stress than other kids of that age. He has swallowing issues and will periodically throw up. Since this is a normal occurrence, SIL and MIL don’t aren’t overly concerned if he acts like he’s about to throw up… so we have to try to point him away from things like our bookcase to make sure he doesn’t vomit on books. Nephew also “plays” by screaming (he’s non-verbal), eating or licking furniture or anything on the floor, or seeking out things like books to tear up. Nephew also isn’t really interested in my son, but when the baby is pointed out to him, he will try to grab his head or hit him. So, he is significantly more destructive than any other kid I have been around. MIL thinks it is good “practice” for DH and I to get used to caring for an older kid… even though this behavior isn’t typical. I don’t really know how to approach this situation since it isn’t their fault or my nephew’s fault that he has these special needs, but I also cannot deal with continuing to have him dumped on DH and I for the weekend.
Anonymous says
Don’t invite them to your house. Visit MIL and SIL on neutral ground or at their homes for short periods only; don’t stay with them.
avocado says
I have a relative who constantly dumps her children (one normal infant, one very active and demanding preschooler who needs to have someone within arm’s reach paying full attention to him at all times) on me, my husband, and/or our teenager. It really wrecks family gatherings for us because we don’t get to interact with any other family members. We go into it with the attitude that we are giving a gift of respite to the mom of these kids, usually leave earlier than we otherwise would, plan downtime afterwards, and make an effort to schedule separate time with other relatives so we actually get to talk with them.
Anon says
i know you didn’t mean anything by it, but i really hate the phrasing “normal infant”
Anonymous says
What would you prefer? Average? Unremarkable? Typical? Not unusually demanding?
Spirograph says
neurotypical
Anonymous says
Is neurotypical a thing for an infant though? Is this really something we know at that point? What about just saying a low-maintenance infant (if that’s what you mean)?
avocado says
I don’t mean “low-maintenance” because a typical infant is not exactly low-maintenance. Average.
Anonymous says
There is a lot to unpack here. I am sorry that your family is dealing with the stress of a LO with developmental issues.
What I am hearing here is that it isn’t so much of an issue to spend time with your nephew but rather the combination of taking care of everything?! I don’t know how much time your MIL spends with your nephew, but maybe she needs a break too? I think the path of least resistance here is something like: “Hey, with both kids here, I need some help. Let’s give SIL a break to do XX. MIL do you want to start dinner or take point on the kiddos? or Hey MIL, you don’t get to see DS often; can you feed him lunch and I can manage nephew for you during that time.” You are getting help without calling out specific behavior.
If you are uncomfortable of being primarily responsible for your nephew, and it is ok if you are, that is a different and I would say something like this. “I don’t spend enough time with nephew to know his signals to keep him safe, especially while [making dinner / feeding baby etc.]. I can’t take primary responsibility for him right now.”
Neither of these are addressing other issues within the family but I think help solve the immediate tension. Sounds like everyone is dealing with a tough situation.
Anonymous says
Why are you pointing out the baby to toddler? Just stop trying to force that interaction. You take care of the baby, DH takes care of his nephew.
If I had a special needs child I would greatly appreciate it if my brother stepped up to help on occasion so I could get a small break for a shower or run.
Approach SIL – ‘we know it must be incredibly stressful to care for DS but we are struggling with how to best interact with him? Can you let us know any tips for helping calm him when he is stressed?’
I find it really odd that you expect MIL to look after high needs kid while both you and DH look after one 5 month old baby! DH won’t have a relationship with this kid if he doesn’t spend time interacting with him, even if that doesn’t look like the neurotypical type of interaction.
Anonymous says
Counterpoint to your last paragraph: It sounds like OP and her husband are overwhelmed by trying to host, watch their own child, and supervise the high-needs nephew. If that’s the case, they need to drop one of the three responsibilities so there are only two responsibilities to be split between two people. The easiest way to do this would be to stop hosting SIL and MIL in their own home. That way MIL and/or SIL would be hosting, and OP and her husband could each take a kid.
Anonymous says
I still don’t get it but I’m used to hosting my MIL, BIL and SIL and their three kids (7, 4, 3) with my three kids (5, 2,2) underfoot so DH and I are pretty effective at tag teaming whatever needs to be done. Like if you’re hosting brunch, pop the bacon in the oven instead of doing it on the stovetop so you are free to watch a kid. And embrace the chaos.
Anon says
I think I agree – why not have DH play with him? I’m sure there’s stuff I’m missing but if it’s like a few hours cumulative over the course of a day it seems like he should manage. Maybe you can recruit MIL to help hold the baby or chop veggies or whatever. I realize it might be uncomfortable to ask (and also after my first kid was born everything my in laws did annoyed me to a ridiculous degree, so I get it), but your husband could take the bull by the horns and manage the situation.
OP says
We aren’t pointing out the baby. SIL and MIL are pointing out the baby and trying to force the interaction. MIL tries to get them to interact, which we and SIL are not comfortable with and really isn’t safe. MIL will not listen to us. So DH and I feels like one of us has to be observing at all times.
This is the type of conversation with SIL that acknowledges her kid is not neurotypical, which she will not openly acknowledge.
We do not expect MIL to watch high needs kid while DH and I both watch baby. This issue is balancing hosting with watching a baby and high needs kid, who we really do not know how to watch. Example would be– SIL has left house to take a break, I am watching baby, DH is prepping a meal or cleaning, MIL is doing crossword puzzle while high needs kid is unsupervised.
In-laws live a few hours drive away, so we see them about once a month and generally are with them the whole weekend.
Anonymous says
“So DH and I feels like one of us has to be observing at all times.”
Yes – this is what it is like when in-laws visit. I don’t know what you were expecting. Plenty of people have older or otherwise incapable in-laws. Not everyone is blessed with active easy in-laws who take over childcare.
– you don’t have to get her to agree that kid is neurotypical – let go of that entirely – just ask for tips about what calms him or what he likes to do. That’s necessary with ANY 2 year old.
You and DH can’t cook and/or clean while watching the baby so one of you can play with the toddler? MIL isn’t wrong that you guys are going to have a rude awakening if you have more than one kid.
Anonymous says
I never suggested that you go to a restaurant. I suggested take out. Figure out two- three lunches and dinners and just make those when they are there. Do you really never cook while watching the baby at the same time? I can’t fathom that.
And maybe use your words? Ask them to help prep a meal, or use paper plates so there are less dishes. You have 4 adults and two children. There is no reason this has to be that complicated.
Anonymous says
DH says ‘hey Mom could you finish chopping these vegetables so I can play with nephew?’
Or order more take out. If it’s once a month and you normally are two adults and one baby, how much cooking and cleaning can there be?
OP says
Cooking and cleaning for MIL and SIL. It is pretty impossible to take my nephew to a restaurant, so we end up eating exclusively at home. MIL is a very picky eater, so we end up cooking, and the burden primarily falls on DH and I to cook. I thought this was clear from my initial post but by “hosting,” we are essentially preparing all meals for my in-laws, cleaning up after them, watching baby, and watching nephew.
Anonymous says
My MIL was super high maintenance and required a lot of special cooking and cleaning. We eventually stopped hosting her in our home and would go visit her and stay in a hotel instead. We still had to cook and clean all day at her house, but at the end of the day we could retreat to our own space. This may be a good solution for you.
Anon says
OP, as you can see from the responses, there isn’t going to be a good or best way to deal with this situation without upsetting someone. I can commiserate with you on how hard it can be to supervise a child in your home that is not your own child, especially when your home is also not set up for that child. I, personally, have a very hard time when I have guests in my home, friends or family, and they do not parent their children for whatever reason. I have one cousin in particular whose 4 year old son is a wrecking ball when it comes to play. I’m the one keeping an eye on him to make sure he isn’t playing too rough with our younger kids, breaking something, or getting into something that he isn’t supposed to while cousin and family are socializing. I don’t want to step on cousin’s toes as a parent, but I also want to keep everyone and everything safe and in one piece. I’m not getting to socialize with family like I want to, but it is giving my cousin a chance to do so with family. If you want to give your SIL a break, then you sacrifice yourself on watching nephew (or telling Husband, he needs to sacrifice himself). Otherwise, limit visits at your home. I would also tell Husband he needs to have a hard conversation with MIL in private about her trying to force interaction between the baby and nephew.
anon says
I can commiserate with her, too. My SIL was notorious for doing this with her three kids when they were little. She just assumed we were all “group parenting.” Well, we were … except she was taking none of the “burden” of taking a turn watching anyone else’s kids. It was hard to manage, especially with my nephew (a total wrecking ball). It didn’t mean we didn’t want to spend time with my nieces and nephew, but there was often a lot going on and it was just difficult.
Anonymous says
Why is it that the parents of high-needs kids are always the ones assuming that “group parenting” is happening?
Anon Lawyer says
Anon at 4:32pm – they’re not. You just don’t notice it with other kids because you’re enjoying hanging out with them or they’re quietly hanging out or playing with other kids (at least much of the time).
Anon says
Yeah, I don’t think it’s crazy they think you can handle it. 2 parents on one five month old is a lot of coverage. It does sound like you don’t ENJOY it clearly. So just try to avoid. I don’t think the scenario is inherently unreasonable although it is hard! But SIL and MIL must be needing a break.
Anonymous says
I don’t think the issue here is the number of pairs of hands available. It’s that OP and her husband don’t want to be responsible for the high-needs kid at all. Which is reasonable.
Anonymous says
Might be reasonable but not exactly kind. I’d be pretty annoyed if my brother didn’t want to interact with my kid because they were not neurotypical.
Anonymous says
“interact with” does not equal “be wholly responsible for”
Anonymous says
I think these comments are painting 2 extremes. First, the SIL expects the MIL to watch her child at OP’s house, but that ends up being a burden on OP that is not being communicated to OP and not coordinated around OP’s/her spouse’s schedules or needs. Second, the SIL is not communicating with OP/her spouse about how to care for her child, and they are not comfortable doing so.
I would also add that the OP sounds kind of judgy towards her SIL, maybe try to accept that SIL is dealing with a lot (as are we all), start a conversation with her, and try to show her some grace.
And last, all the comments about how it’s good practice are ridiculous. I used to hate, pre-kids, when people suggested that how I interacted with their kids was how I’d be as a mom.
Anonymous says
Agree re. “good practice.” It is so much easier to watch your own kids than someone else’s, partly because you can discipline them.
Anonymous says
SIL is on a run or in the shower. How is she supposed to know MIL is having OP watch the kid unless OP talks to her about it?
Anonymous says
Does SIL have a spouse? If so, her spouse should be watching their child while she is in the shower or on a run. Otherwise SIL can do what everyone else does and put the kid in a jogging stroller.
Anonymous says
Super kind to tell SIL (who sounds like a single mom) that she can’t go for a run by herself because it’s too much work to watch her kid. I bet she’d rather you ordered pizza and gave her a few minutes to herself vs. claim you need to cook and not give her a bit of time to shower or go for a run.
Just be honest and admit you don’t like the kid because he isn’t easy and he might be autistic. Know how exhausting it is to watch him for short periods? That’s SIL’s life all the time. Keep your fingers crossed for your own baby because autism runs in families.
Anon Lawyer says
Yeah, I get that this dynamic isn’t working, but it seems pretty harsh on SIL – who might not have any idea any of this is going on since it sounds like MIL is supposed to be watching the kid and nobody has talked to her. What kind of relationship does your husband have with her? Can he have an honest “let’s figure this out” conversation? Just cutting off all visits without having a conversation seems really harsh especially if she is a single mom like it sounds like.
Anon says
To Anon at 3:03: That’s an awful thing to say to someone who came here with what I will assume is a genuine question about how to deal with a situation that she is struggling with.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I think family culture plays a big role in this – in a lot of families, it’s just assumed that relatives will step in to watch the kids, but in a lot of American families, it’s mostly on the kid’s parents unless there is an explicit understanding otherwise. I think it will help to discuss with SIL and MIL about who exactly will be watching the kids once you’re all together. If SIL says she needs a break and leaves, ok, ask MIL if she’ll be watching your baby or if she’ll be in charge of your nephew (which sounds like she’s not). So then you and DH will explicitly agree to watch the kids. And I wouldn’t worry about “hosting” – don’t bother cooking or cleaning at this time. If the family complains, then they can just not come. I don’t think it’s fair to claim that this is good practice for having an older kid because when it’s your own kid, and even if you have multiple, you’ll know them better than anybody and you will eventually figure out your own routines.
SC says
I have a non-neurotypical child. My son’s behaviors are somewhat different than what OP is describing, but from 2-5 years old, he tended to be violent and destructive. DH and I agreed that one parent needed to be within arms’ reach of our son at all times at any family gathering and, really, any gathering with other children. To this day, we’ve never left our son with any of DH’s 4 siblings, who all live in the same city and all have their own children, and we wouldn’t outside an actual emergency. We have left our son with grandparents, but they understood that they had to be within arms’ reach if they were the point person on our son, especially if another child or infant was in the room. It’s exhausting, and it’s one of the hard things about having a special needs child.
If your in-laws plan to come over with your nephew, plan on there being one adult completely hands-on with him. If that can’t be you or your husband, either communicate clearly that your MIL will have to be point person (if she’s able), or get together somewhere else. If they’re going to come over regularly, it may also be easier on everyone to create a space your nephew can play in without getting into the books, breakable stuff, etc. I’ve spent many family gatherings at my in-laws isolated in one room because it was the only space I felt was safe. (In particular, they had an aggressive dog that they refused to admit was aggressive, and I was worried the dog would attack my son if my son hit or bit a family member).
Anon says
Much love to you.
I don’t think anyone understands how exhausting it is to parent an exceptional/high needs kid, particularly one who requires line of sight parenting. And let’s not even get started with finding sitters!
(Also, OP, your MIL sounds oblivious.)
SC says
Thanks! We had a lot of early intervention, and Kiddo is on medication. It finally feels like we’ve turned a corner, and can breathe a bit. Kiddo is still pretty intense because he constantly wants to be engaged on a high level, but I’m not worried about anyone’s safety. Except for Covid–for now, we’re basically back on lockdown, and it’s too hot to arrange outside playdates.
Anon says
Much love to you.
I don’t think anyone understands how exhausting it is to parent an exceptional/high needs kid, particularly one who requires line of sight parenting. And let’s not even get started with finding sitters!
OP – your MIL sounds oblivious and it sounds like a hard situation.
Anon says
As a parent of a high needs SPD kid I would suggest you talk to your SIL. Let her know how you are feeling and the stress it is causing. My mom recently took my SPD child to my sister’s house to give us a break when she as visiting and apparently it was a disaster but my mom said nothing to me. My sister let me know that it was rough and stressful – and understanding that her and her husband are in the middle of busy season and have a toddler and it was just too much. I completely understood and set boundaries with my mom the next time she came (you can take kid out, but not to sister’s house).
Agree with everyone else that not hosting would be a good next step. They can stay at a hotel, you all can visit a park together and MIL can be in charge of 2yo while SIL takes a break (and if she doesn’t have support from her partner than she probably needs one, so badly, I literally cannot imagine having a high needs kids without an extremely hands on partner).
Another note: Our son is in OT and PT and we are doing the work (so much work) related to his diagnosis. However, when we are in a big group we tend to let a lot of his behavior go (different places and big groups are super stressful for all of us) if it isn’t a big deal. I can see an outsider seeing it as us being passive or not accepting his diagnosis, but it really is a defensive mechanism so we don’t spend the entire gathering correcting behavior.
Anonymous says
Your last paragraph makes total sense, given your qualifier “if it isn’t a big deal.” If OP’s SIL is deliberately letting her son’s behavior slide at her brother’s home for whatever reason, she needs to make this clear. She also needs to make sure that he isn’t doing anything dangerous or destructive that is a “big deal,” such as vomiting on books.
Anon says
Yes. Big deal to me is injuries/damage to others or property – so those behaviors would cause one of us to remove him from the situation. We might not, however, require him to go an apologize once his body is calm. We would apologize for him (and some find that too passive). However, I think our threshold for “big deal” seems to be higher because of the behaviors we deal with on a daily basis – so I get that some parents wouldn’t agree (example is we don’t micromanage toy sharing or eating)
Anon says
Thanks. This was kind of what I was looking for. Nephew is in OT, PT, and feeding therapy. The current focus is on his gross motor/feeding issues, and he isn’t normally around other children, so the behavioral issues aren’t really being addressed because there are just a lot more pressing things going on. I just don’t spend enough time around him to feel safe caring for him. (Like, he starts choking frequently, and I have no idea what to do or when to be concerned.)
SIL’s spouse works weekends and is not hands on. MIL is pretty much a secondary caretaker. MIL came up this time in part to give SIL a break. (DH and I are not upset with SIL for taking a break. We are more upset for MIL for agreeing to watch nephew while SIL takes a break and then not paying attention to him.) Our house is “babyproofed” in that we have friends with toddlers that come over routinely. It just apparently is not safe for my nephew. It sounds like the better solution here is to just not host.
Anonymous says
I highly doubt she would stay in an unbabyproofed hotel room with a high needs child. So your SIL has an unsupportive spouse, your MIL isn’t much help to her and now you and DH are going to tell her she can’t visit anymore? Wow.
Anonymous says
It is not OP’s obligation to give her SIL a break. It is SIL’s responsibility to arrange respite care or get her lazy husband to step up. Their child is their responsibility, not OP’s. If SIL can’t control her child and keep him from destroying OP’s home, she can’t bring him over.
Anon Lawyer says
Anon at 4:14pm – that is certainly true, but not necessarily the attitude many of us want to take towards our loved ones or hope that our loved ones take to us when we’re in crisis. There’s not much info here about the SIL’s life at home. Is she ok? Does she have resources? Is she drowning? Does she have a generally good relationship with her brother or has it always been lop-sided? Maybe hosting isn’t feasible, but help lining up other forms of support is. Maybe visits are ok more rarely (once a month feels like a lot)! Nobody should take on more than they can, and the OP certainly shouldn’t, but assuming this is a valuable relationship in their lives, just saying “it’s her problem, not yours” is not really a great approach. To life in general, really.
OP, you won’t have a 5-month-old forever and your nephew won’t be 2 forever. I bet things will get easier month by month.
SC says
FYI–If your 2 year old nephew is in OT, PT, and feeding therapy, the behavior issues are being addressed. For example, OT will help with sensory-seeking behaviors like tearing books and chewing or licking furniture. PT and feeding therapy will help with the swallowing/choking/vomiting issues, which aren’t behavioral but seem to be a major source of stress in hosting him. It is too early to diagnose a 2 year old with ASD or any specific disorder, but this type of early intervention is exactly what he needs.
“Babyproofing” is highly dependent on different children. My son has a cousin who is 6 weeks younger than him. At a young age, his cousin could handle fragile items without breaking them. My son just didn’t have the sensory perception or motor skills to not break stuff. If your nephew is sensory seeking, he likely needs specific toys and routines to divert that energy (often called “heavy work”), which his OT will recommend. For now, it may be too much for HIM to be outside his normal environment for an entire weekend, and it may be better if you don’t host but try to give your SIL a break when you visit. Also, aunts and uncles can give us a break without being solely responsible for our child–if they entertain him or divert his attention for a bit while we’re in the room and can carry on a 5-minute adult conversation, we’re grateful.
OP says
Thanks. I’m not sure how others interpreted my saying we shouldn’t host as saying I wanted to cut off visits… SIL had been visiting us so that it was less stressful for us traveling with a baby, but that is really not turning out to be the case.
Anonymous says
Assume this is OP.
Unlike what other people have said I don’t think the solution is just not to host. I am going to assume that you are currently hosting because you value your relationship with SIL and want to help her. (sounds like a lot).
Your statement “I just don’t spend enough time around him to feel safe caring for him” is exactly what you need to say to you SIL and MIL.
Also – could you visit them instead? Maybe he would do better in his own environment?