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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Insomnia? says
Almost every night the past couple of weeks I have been able to fall asleep within a reasonable time but am jolted awake about an hour later very restless. I don’t drink coffee past noon or eat a lot of sugar late in the day. I exercise almost daily. I’m not great about limiting screentime before bed, but it hasn’t been an issue before. Life has been the usual level of stressful; nothing crazy but not serene.
I tapered off of Zoloft a couple of months ago and don’t want to go back on medication for low level anxiety which is a constant in my life. Melatonin gives me wild dreams.
Any other tips for better sleep or guided meditations I could follow?
Anon says
You don’t mention alcohol – do you have a drink to unwind at the end of the night? I’ve found having a drink helps me fall asleep but then disrupts my sleep later in the evening – apparently when alcohol is metabolized in the body it turns into something that can have a stimulant effect at some point. Just in case!
Anon says
melatonin also gives me wild dreams, but i often take a really small amount (less than 1mg) and then it doesn’t. you could try that
Anonanonanon says
This, I take half of one or I have wild dreams but lower dose works.
Curious says
My partner figured out that melatonin gives them wild dreams.. because they are getting more REM sleep (better sleep overall!). They still hate melatonin, but I thought it was kind of wild.
Anon says
Have you tried a weighted blanket and a white noise machine? I would also make sure your room is extra cool at night (it’s been terribly hot here).
Anon says
Odd comment, but any chance it’s something outside? Maybe a neighbor working a later shift and headlights at 11PM or something like that?
Our neighbor couldn’t figure out why he was being jolted awake only on cool summer nights at 2:35 in the morning and then was able to figure out it was only on nights that their windows were open and it was a train whistle about a mile away.
Anon says
Was thinking the same, maybe add a white noise machine for a few nights and see if that helps? Or blackout curtains?
Anonymous says
How cool is your bedroom? If my bedroom is more than 68 degrees, I wake up sweaty within a couple hours of falling asleep.
IHeartBacon says
Have you tried laying down on an acupressure mat for 10-15 minutes while listening to a guided meditation right before you go to bed? I get the most incredible sleep when I do this. You can search “acupressure mat” on Amazon and a lot of options pop up. Note: it’s very painful the first time you use it, so you probably won’t be able to make it 10 minutes. But you get used to the pain/sensation. By the third or fourth time you use it, it’s still painful, but the pain helps clear away your mind because you really can’t think of anything else other than focusing on trying to ignore the pain. I use Headspace’s Basic guided mediations. I think the first set of Basics is free.
Curious says
This sounds heavenly.
Anonanonanon says
Wow I’ve never heard of these but I can’t decide if they look horrifying or amazing
IHeartBacon says
It really is amazing. I use it whenever my mind is racing and I can’t get it to shut off as I’m trying to fall asleep. Even if I tried to think of other things I literally can’t because my mind is focused on trying to get over the painful sensation. (I lay on it on my back with my bare skin, which was recommended in the instructions that came with my mat.) By the time the pain has stopped, my mind is clear, and I can just focus on the guided mediation. I’ve actually fallen asleep on the mat before because I am so relaxed after about 10 minutes.
Anon says
Are you supplementing magnesium? This is the one major thing that supports my ability to sleep without melatonin.
Anonymous says
+1 for magnesium!
NYC Girl says
Have you tried cutting out caffeine all together? I gave it up 3 years ago and have had best sleep ever since then. My husband was waking up around 2-3 am each day and gave it up and now he sleeps through the night. We were both previously morning-only (1 cup) coffee drinkers.
Anon says
my 3 year old twins start preschool tomorrow and i am feeling totally unprepared both logistically and emotionally. they’ve been home with a nanny who will still be with us, but my twins seem so so so confused about what exactly is going to happen tomorrow and i can’t say i blame them. we are going today to meet their teachers today (which for some reason is scheduled in the middle of nap time, so hoping it is not a total disaster) and then tomorrow we decided to have our nanny drop them off since parents can’t go in anyway and she will be the one who does it most days. their behavior has been out of whack the past two weeks and i wonder if this is why. any tips to help them with the transition?
Anonymous says
Have you shown them any kids shows that deal with this transition? There’s a Daniel Tiger episode about him starting school that might help.
OP says
yes, they’ve seen the Daniel Tiger episode. though in that episode when he goes to meet the teacher he brings a bunch of stuff from home and our school doesn’t want them to bring anything, so i don’t really want to give them any ideas that we need to bring all of our toys with us to school, in case they don’t have the same ones there…
Anon says
Have you taken them by the school (like a little preview tour) – I am sure you can’t go inside due to covid but a drive by might help. You could also “play school” – like do a little role play.
Anon says
I don’t think that will throw them off – their classmates also won’t be animals! In general, I think just know this is literally what the school/teachers do and it’ll be fine. We didn’t really prep beyond talking about it, and there may be an adjustment but kids will figure it out quickly!
Anonymous says
Don’t make too big a deal out of it. Talk them through the routine so they can anticipate when they will be picked up: “Nanny will take you to school. You will have circle time, then snack, then free play, then closing circle, then Nanny will pick you up and bring you home for lunch.”
Ifiknew says
Our school allowed us to go play in their playground on the weekends which seemed to help. I think they will adjust faster than you anticipate and will love it, 3 is a great age to start.
Pogo says
We started around the same age, during COVID. We did an after hours tour with the director. He got to see his cubby and the potty and the little cots for napping. It wasn’t always easy, as he did ask to stay home many times and we had tearful drop offs. BUT, he loves school and always was happy and playing within minutes (per text message pictures from director).
They do adjust SO well. I was also very worried he couldn’t bring his lovey to school (COVID regs) but he got over it.
Anon says
If you’re able to get a class list or info for other parents, I really recommend trying to schedule an outdoor play date with other families in first few weeks. For a lot of kids, there is something confidence inducing about having their parents and schoolmate together.
anon. says
Hi all – I posted on the main board yesterday afternoon and was hoping to get some additional responses here. Does anyone have ideas from either kids or elder relatives for some kind of way to call 911 without a cell phone or landline? I may just need to get a VOI phone from those responses, but wondering if you smart moms know of some kind of device I can pay for and mount on the wall? Thanks!
Anon says
I think some home security services offer something like this, but that will be much more expensive than just installing a phone.
anonamama says
We used to have a 7.99/mo landline through BasicTalk and bought a VTech phone to use with it. The same model I frequently see on Marketplace. Probably 3 years into it, we started getting spam calls, but I would reconnect again If I had a need for it. We also have Simplisafe – not sure their capability to call 911 outright but we pay for the app and basic service.
Anonymous says
We get a bajillion spam calls on our “landline” which is actually VOIP. I initially had an idyllic vision that this would be the number that we could give out to kids’ friends, or use as an alternate “both of us” contact number on school forms… but as it happens we keep the ringer off and I delete 20 robocall voicemails a week. Still, it gives me peace of mind that there is a phone in the kitchen and everyone knows right where it is if there’s ever an emergency.
Anonanonanon says
Thanks for asking this, interested to see the responses. I wonder this a lot. We had a landline through our internet provider but it was frequently down. I miss the old school landlines, but we can’t even get one at our house!
Interestingly, this is why a lot of states require in-home daycares to have a landline. Many cases of people wasting time looking for a cell phone in an emergency.
Anonymous says
Also if you call 911 from a landline, even if you don’t say anything, emergency services will physically go to that location. This is the case at least in my Canadian city. Could be super helpful for a daycare. [back in the day a coworker accidentally faxed 911 instead of India and the firetrucks showed up]
I think if you call from a cell phone they will not trace the call unless they have reason to try. (like your responses are super fishy)
Anonymous says
We:
1) have a landline but the ringer is turned off because of spam. When I leave a kid home alone, I try to remember to turn the ringer on but I doubt they’d ever answer it. It’s an office style phone with the speed dials set fo 911, mom, dad, and grandma.
2) have Alexa dots in a few rooms. You say “Alexa call 911” and as long as you have it configured, it will. Kids also use this to call me (“Alexa call mom”) and I use it to call them via drop in.
3) we have an old cell phone that can be used to call 911. We may or may not ever let them use it but that’s why we kept it.
4) kids have a kindle fire and you can call 911 from it as well as face time – my kids have called me from that before.
anon says
I have a petty rant that only you guys understand. I just cannot with my SAHM friends complaining about the early morning back-to-school routine. That’s life, year-round, for many of us. And we’re still out the door earlier on school days because the elementary school starts at 9:00 but work starts at 8:00. /end rant
Anonymous says
Right? And when they cut you off in their car, what are they late for? Yoga?
anon says
I don’t think this is appropriate. There are SAHM’s that read this board as well. If they have one elementary age kid and the inability to outsource the myriad of things that working moms are able to outsource, they have a reason to state it’s hard. Also, how about having a cranky 1 and 3 year old in the car while you do dropoff for your 5 year old and you know the baby is hungry and everyone is screaming?
Let’s just not get into the “woe is me” because it’s objectively hard to be a SAHM and a working mom for many different reasons unless you’re only of the ones that is a SAHM with a 40 hour week nanny.
anon says
Sorry, not gonna apologize for posting my petty rant on a board geared toward working moms. Completely agree that both roles are difficult in their own way, but this particular issue sticks in my craw.
Anonanonanon says
This is like when people comment about people being “shallow” or into “consumerism” on the main board if someone recommends an expensive product. It’s literally a fashion blog. and over here is a working mom blog. I see both sides of this one but at the end of the day this is a working mom board. Yes, I sometimes see things that slightly offend me, so I scroll past and don’t engage.
no says
You don’t get to tone police people because you’re in the wrong place.
Everyone has different s&*t to deal with, the poster was not saying she’s got the only difficulties, she is venting about one specific thing.
Get off your high horse.
Anonymous says
I agree with you, anon at 10:26. It’s only “tone policing” when someone feels like you hit a nerve.
Anonymous says
There are zillions of groups for you SAHMs. Leave us our one safe space for working moms.
Anonymous says
I’m not a SAHM. I’m a lawyer. But I think it’s whiny to pick on SAHMs when we all have our own struggles with kids.
Anonymous says
Hahahaha that you think I can afford to outsource anything.
Anon says
+1
IHeartBacon says
Meh. She conceded she was being petty.
Petty rants are allowed here. In fact, most rants here are petty, including (especially?) my own.
Anonymous says
Exactly. That is why her rant was on the anonymous internet. (vs outside school where it would be unfair).
Anon says
This is a WORKING mom blog
Anonymous says
Ugh, can we not? Every single person on this board complains about stuff that many of us roll our eyes at. I had my kids home last year because of COVID and rolled my eyes plenty at people complaining that their daycare was closed for the week. It’s part of being an adult to realize that we all have petty complaints and that for every one we roll our eyes at, there’s one you made that someone else is rolling their eyes at. Let’s leave the SAHM vs “working mom” fight at the door please.
no says
Ugh, can you not?
Spirograph says
I mean…. I kind of see that as the point of this board, no? Sometimes you just want to vent to people who might roll their eyes at the same thing you do, and OP is playing the odds. No one’s disparaging SAHMs here, the OP’s just saying she doesn’t sympathize with this particular complaint. and yes! I relate!
Anonymous says
This.
Is being a SAHM hard ? Yes
Is it super frustrating when they complain about school year stuff that working moms deal with all year long and get zero break from? Also yes.
All the empathy OP. The ‘working mom’ next door is a teacher. I constantly have my kids complaining about why they have to go to daycamp when their friends next door don’t and why I can’t have a different job. Sigh.
Anonymous says
My sister was a SAHM until divorce pushed her back into the workforce. She had taught, with summers off, so never really got working with kids too young to stay home with schedules that didn’t synch perfectly with yours (her youngest was 10 when she went back to work). Now she has a 12-month position and, oh, the humanity. Meanwhile, 2 of her kids are old enough to drive. I just shake my head and vent here.
Anon says
Seriously.
I am genuinely confused as to why SAHMs would read here when there is the whole rest of the mom internet for them.
Anonymous says
Because this board generally believes in vaccines, sleep training and bottle feeding, unlike all the stay at home mom blogs (I’m part time and still read here).
So Anon says
For me its the lunch packing. It never ends at my house – all the weeks of all the year. I have a kid with Celiac’s and one who is gluten intolerant, so there is no option for school lunch. I see the memes about packing lunch at the end of the school year and getting back to it around this time of year, but in this house, it is just one long slog of squished PB&Js or cold pizza.
Boston Legal Eagle says
My lovely children wake up at 5:30-6:00am regardless of what’s going on so that would be my thought on that comment, regardless of the SAH/working parent angle! I hope they pay me back when they’re teenagers by sleeping in till whenever.
Anonymous says
To be fair, I think this was an adjustment for a lot of working parents last fall if they had their kids home during spring/summer of 2020. Once you’re out of the routine it’s hard to get back into it. But plenty of SAHMs could say the same thing about the women on this board who complain about being with their kids “all weekend” or “all holiday break” :)
anon says
And they can do it on blogs geared toward SAHMs, which are plentiful.
Anonanonanon says
This. And they do. LOL
Anon says
The suffering in Afghanistan is really impacting me today. I have donated to Women for Afghan Women, but it is also prompting me to revisit my commitment to service in general and thought I’d solicit experiences – has anyone successfully undertaken volunteer or service projects as a family? or ‘adopted’ a cause as a family? how are folks getting their kids interested in service / philanthropy? (This question is not meant to be limited to Afghanistan or refugee issues, I mean service in general).
Anonymous says
Agree, the situation in Afghanistan is really upsetting.
As for service, we mostly do it through our faith community, which hosts a monthly foodbank that we shop for quasi-regularly, serves meals at men and women’s shelters, and does build-a-backpack type events that are very family friendly.
We have stepped up our charitable giving and involve the kids in those discussions — not so much the dollar amounts, but the whole idea that when you have enough (which we do), you should look beyond yourself to see where you can help your community. I listen to a lot of public radio, and the fund drives spark these conversations at least once a quarter. :)
Anonymous says
I volunteered to help lead a youth program for girls that I thought might go under for lack of enough female adult helpers. They are very pro-volunteering in the community, mainly conservation, so we can do that together during the pandemic. Also, one kid has mandatory service hours for school (not sure how I feel re mandating something that matters more IMO when freely given), so we’re in no matter what.
IHeartBacon says
I agree that to the person doing the volunteering, it matters more if it is freely given, but to the recipient of your philanthropy, your benevolence can be a blessing.
IHeartBacon says
I’m shocked and disappointed about my ignorance of the situation in Afghanistan. I wasn’t into politics and the news growing up, so when Sept 11 happened and the US went into Afghanistan, I didn’t really have any knowledge/information/understanding of what had been going on in the country. With US troops being there for the past 20 years, by the time I started following politics and some world news, Afghanistan wasn’t really in the news in any notable way. I spent a couple of hours last night reading about Afghanistan and the Taliban during the 1990s. I am embarrassed by my ignorance.
As to your question, I’m following for replies as well.
anon says
The Boat and Tote is my prefered pool bag. However, learn from my mistakes and buy one with a dark-colored base! If I had to do it over, I’d get black, navy, or red.
Anon4This says
DH is annoying the crap out of me. Last night he was complaining about toddler’s whining and baby’s crying being like “nails on a chalkboard” (to be fair he caveated it by saying “it’s not their fault”, but really dude?) and then proceeded to aggressively clean up the kitchen while mumbling, which fine whatever. This AM he was complaining about everything – the squirrel that pooped on his shirt, toddler’s hands still having peanut butter, and came home and literally screamed at his computer. Just venting and looking for empathy….no I do not plan on divorcing him, thanks.
Anonymous says
How frustrating! Could you handle it if he took a day or two to go off by himself? Maybe it’s a good time for him to visit his parents alone, or an old college friend. It sounds like he (and you) could use a break.
OP says
Thank you :) The annoying thing is he’s HAD breaks/time away, and regularly gets more down time than I do…because quite frankly he needs it to function at 100%, again this is the price of admission for my relationship which I’m good with, but just ANNOYED today!
anon says
Ugh, that’s annoying.
It sounds like tonight is the perfect night to get some takeout and make a couple of Tuesday night cocktails, watch a ridiculous movie after the kids go to bed, and keep on moving.
anon says
I’m stuck on “squirrel that pooped on his shirt.” Like, a PET squirrel or was this a wildlife poop-bombing?
OP says
BAHAHAHHA. Wildlife, fell out of a tree while he was walking the dog. To be fair he’s not sure if it’s a bird or a squirrel…
Anonymous says
Squirrel poop and bird poop are very different.
Cb says
Right? That might ruin my day!
Anonanonanon says
HAHAHAHAHA I almost LOL-ed on a phone call when I got to that line. I’m sorry but that’s so funny and I get he’s being annoying but if anything warrants a whine it’s A SQUIRREL POOPING ON YOUR SHIRT.
ElisaR says
same, i didn’t feel bad for him until i read about the squirrel poop!
IHeartBacon says
SAME!! My first thought when I read it was that it was an autocorrect fail. Then I thought, no, I think the OP meant to write that. Then I thought, wow, a squirrel got into their house, found his shirt lying around somewhere, and pooped on it — that sucks! And then I finally realized, oh, it must’ve pooped on him while he was walking outside. LOL!!!
Spirograph says
Sorry, a squirrel pooped on his shirt?! With all the millions of squirrels I’ve seen running overhead on branches and powerlines, I don’t think I’ve ever seen one poop. Birds, yes, one just pooped on my leg last week. but never a squirrel! What bad luck!
When my husband gets in moods like this, I usually cheerfully say something borderline obnoxious like, “OK crankypants! I love you, but I can’t listen to your storm cloud right now. I’m gonna go take a bath and give you your space.” It has an 80% chance of snapping him out of it, or at least getting him to acknowledge he’s being extra, which is the first step in snapping out of it. If all else fails, at least I don’t have to listen to the grumbling anymore. Tuesday night cocktails + ridiculous movie also sound really good, though.
OP says
I do need to get better about just peacing out and letting him mumble. I’m fantastic at internalizing things, and blaming myself (working on this, thank you therapy for the gains made so far!).
I love your idea, I can see it being slightly less effective for my situation at times (in terms of getting him to snap out), but I also 100% see the value of…not having to hear someone’s sh*t.
Anonanonanon says
I do something similar, except I ask him to go take some space. I know sometimes I’m grumpy without good reason, so I try to have some empathy, but also don’t want to get dragged down when I’m tired as well. I’ll usually say in a kind voice “hey, you’re clearly having a day, and I don’t blame you. Why don’t you go upstairs and listen to a podcast or scroll on your phone for a bit, it seems like you need a minute. I don’t mind taking over.” it makes me look nice and my true motivation is just not hearing it. He usually takes a minute or pulls himself together.
Anon says
This is what I do too. Ask him if he had a rough day at work or didn’t sleep well last night, then tell him to take some time for himself while I watch the kids/dinner etc
Curious says
Totally with you on having trouble not taking it personally when partner is grumpy. I always feel like he’s trying to tell me he’s mad at me (when really he’s just got a headache or whatever). Being grumpy and pregnant has helped me change the narrative in my head (oh, maybe he’s just grumpy like I was yesterday for no reason), which has the pleasant side effect that I also don’t feel as bad asking for what I need from him in those times (“lovey, I know you’re grumpy but I’m at my wits’ end and I really need you to figure out dinner.”) Otherwise he can be grumpy for three days, and then I do all. the. things. to try to give him space and end up a basket case.
Curious says
We also do a lot of “are you GRUMPY?” in a kind of gentle teasing voice. And then the other one can say YES. Somehow this helps a lot.
Pogo says
Ha, my SIL call our husbands “grumpypants” too when they’re like this.
Anonanonanon says
Also, if this is a pattern, is he open to talking to his doctor?
My clinical depression and adult adhd both manifest in irritability (though in slightly different ways) when they’re not managed.
With my adult ADHD, if I don’t take my medication I’m so cognitively overwhelmed at the end of the day that I get unreasonably stressed about things. For example, I could be stirring ground beef in the skillet and my husband will ask me a simple question and I’ll snap “I really can’t deal with this right now, I’m trying to cook dinner!” because I’m truly trying to organize my thoughts to get the steps of the evening in order. I had to take a step back and recognize it is a bit unreasonable to not be able to stir ground beef and answer whether or not we should get more milk without snapping at someone.
AnonATL says
My husband has at minimum GAD (medicated) possibly some undiagnosed ADD. He gets like this periodically, and I encourage him to go have some quiet time in our room. It helps him chill for a second, and I don’t get grumpier that he’s in the way and b*tching about everything under the sun while I’m trying to get dinner on the table.
PS love the squirrel poop part of this story.
Anonymous says
When my husband is like that, I usually kick him out. “DH, why don’t you go for a bike ride,” or “DH, why don’t you go mow the lawn.” It gets him away from me so I’m not annoyed and usually gives him the break that he needs. Sometimes I’ll take kiddo to do an errand instead “so Daddy can have some time to _________” (which I obviously say loudly in front of him). It lets him know that I’m over it but also provides a bit of support/love. This is our way, though. Some spouses could be offended, but that’s not us.
Anon says
Must be contagious; DH was super grumpy and cranky all day yesterday. I finally sent him to our room to go take a shower and be grumpy alone (DD had just gone to bed). After a few hours of just laying around and some tiktok (I do not understand the fascination) in the dark, he was markedly less grumpy this morning. I’m normally the grumpy one, and he is always chipper and upbeat, but every few months he has a grumpy day and usually a good night’s sleep will kick him out of it.
Anon says
Sounds super annoying. For a while when I was in a bad mood but still functioning my husband would tell me I earned a “Frownie” badge. Sounds like he just earned a “Frownie badge” for cleaning the kitchen!
Also… the squirrel poop is hilarious!
Anonanonanon says
From now on whenever he looks grumpy you have to say “You look like a squirrel just sh** on you!” It’s basically the law.
Anon says
Comment of the day!
Anon says
Aw, hopefully he snaps out of it soon. I’m kind of impressed by that squirrel though – how did that happen??? Squirrel was like stone cold sitting in a tree, waiting for the perfect moment to drop one on him and cackling?
Batgirl says
Looking for a cute sign for my kids’ first day of school. We’re starting kindergarten next week, and I feel like I have the chance to do something fun, but would also need it to arrive before Monday! The black and white letterboard is a classic, but any other fun ideas?
Anon says
i found a free one online, printed it, and stuck it in a frame and took a cute pic
OP says
That’s a good idea, thanks!
Boston Legal Eagle says
I got the classic First Day/Last Day chalkboard from Target.
Boston Legal Eagle says
https://www.target.com/p/pearhead-first-last-day-of-school-chalk-board-set/-/A-75454261?ref=OpsEmail_Order_280&j=177446&sfmc_sub=293534384&l=20_HTML&u=119637575&mid=7284873&jb=574315
Anonymous says
We don’t have a sign. My mom took first-day-of-school pictures with backpacks on at the front door, so I do the same.
SC says
That’s what I do too. Also, keep it to 3-4 photos. There are two entire rolls of film–one from kindergarten and one from first grade–of me looking normal-ish, then frowning, then yelling and sobbing. Because (a) I have never been a morning person, and (b) I was not interested in a 24-picture photo shoot at 5-6 years old. After that trauma, there are no first-day pictures after first grade, until my first day of high school, when one of my parents took one photo as I walked through the laundry room with the wrong color of lipstick and my backpack over one shoulder.
anon says
I’m reeling from learning yesterday that there has apparently been infidelity in our closest couple friends’ relationship. I’m still shocked by this revelation (made over text) and want to support my friend, but not sure how to best do that. I don’t have many details yet; she’s said that she wants to talk to me about it but has gone radio silent and I don’t want to push too hard. Do I let her take the lead? Check in and see how she’s doing this morning? I’ve noticed her DH (also my friend, but he’s the one who strayed) hadn’t seemed himself for a while, but both DH and I assumed he was dealing with work and life stress. I am hoping beyond hope that this is a terrible moment in an otherwise solid relationship, but obviously nothing will ever quite be the same.
Anonanonanon says
Resist the urge to trashtalk the unfaithful spouse too much. It’s really hard, even if the wronged spouse seems like they are 100% leaving, it doesn’t always happen and then it’s really awkward because they’re a bit embarrassed that they’re staying and you’ve said bad things about their spouse. Not saying defend them or discourage a friend from leaving the relationship, but just keep that in mind. Unfortunately speaking from experience
Anoon says
Ha, yes, I made a very loud and proud statement to the effect of “well I have always thought he was an @$$h0L#” about my brother in law when my SIL filed for divorce. A few months later they changed their minds and it is… awkward!
Spirograph says
Gosh, I’m so sorry for both you and your friend. I’ve had a few second-hand brushes with infidelity and each time, I was more upset than I felt like I had any right to be given that it was not my marriage. It’s OK (and normal?) for this to hit you hard, and I’m sure you know you need to process that separately from supporting your friend.
Let her take the lead. Check in, invite her to go for a hike, shopping, for a drink or whatever that could either give her a chance to vent or a chance to do something to take her mind off it, depending on how she wants to play it. Resist the urge to say anything one way or the other about her husband — if they reconcile, you don’t want to be on record calling him a jerk; and if they don’t reconcile, you don’t want to be on record sympathizing with him.
anon says
Yes, I’m taking this way harder than I think I should be. But they’re both my friends, and I care about them as individuals and as a couple. I know nobody’s infallible, but really didn’t see this one coming.
So Anon says
As someone who has been through this first hand, I agree with the recommendation of not trash talking the spouse. Your friend is likely having so many emotions that adding in your two cents isn’t going to be helpful. I would both reach out and let her take the lead. I would send a text that lets your friend know that you are thinking of her, are there if she wants to reach out, and that it is perfectly ok for her not to reach out if she’s not ready. Keep sending these type of texts every once in a while. Also, know that it can take a long time to fully process what happened and what it means for her and her relationship.
anon says
Thank you; this is really helpful. I truly don’t know where this is going to end up, so I will continue taking my cues from her.
anonamama says
Has anyone tried Mother Oxford (supposedly stain-resistant button downs)? The ads are everywhere and my defenses are weakened by my inability to wear anything white these days!
ElisaR says
i’ve seen the dress in person and i thought it didn’t look like high quality clothing.
Blueberries says
I would question what chemicals are used to make the shirts so stain resistant. I’m still wary after realizing the no wrinkle shirts I wore for years were no wrinkle because they were treated with chemicals that aren’t so good for humans (but still legal in the US, because our laws treat chemicals as innocent until proven guilty beyond a reasonable doubt).
Anon says
Fascinating article in the WSJ this morning about holding two full-time jobs: https://www.wsj.com/articles/these-people-who-work-from-home-have-a-secret-they-have-two-jobs-11628866529
Is it nuts to say I’m jealous of jobs where people log only “three to 10 hours of actual work a week”?
Signed, someone who bills 2000 hours a year in consulting
Anonymous says
I don’t know how this is possible. Don’t their employers require disclosure of other employment on their COI forms?
Pogo says
riiight? this would not fly at my company.
Boston Legal Eagle says
LOL what? Dealing with two sets of office politics and egos? No thank you. In any case, I’m pretty sure this is a major ethical breach to both companies and will probably backfire on them.
Realist says
There are a lot of old boys clubs type jobs that a white man could work and put in 20 hours at each job and get paid for 40. I hadn’t thought about this and I doubt it could ever get widespread, but I’m not surprised a few people are doing this.