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Leatty says
Would you send your kid to therapy if you were in my shoes? My precious daughter (5) is spirited, and she also seems to be struggling with anxiety. As an example, last night, we dropped my husband off at the mechanic’s shop to pick up his car and then drove separately back home. My daughter screamed and cried the whole way home, screaming that he was never coming home, that he was going to find a new house and a new family and never come back, that he was going to marry someone else and never see her again, that he was going to die, etc. This went on for thirty minutes, and she could not be reasoned with (even when we called my husband and he assured her these fears were unfounded). This is just one example – there are many.
I’ve struggled with anxiety my entire life, but didn’t seek therapy or medication until adulthood, and I don’t want her to struggle like I have. I’m not sure if there is something I can do to help her, or if I should find her a therapist to help her. Any suggestions appreciated.
Cb says
Oh that’s really hard. I was a worry-wart kid and I would have benefited from some CBT to help me manage those worries (yes Polly Klaas is all over the news, no, no one is going to steal you…). I feel like if it is negatively impacting your kid’s life, it’s worth exploring with some play therapy.
Leatty says
I hate that she feels this way, and I’m a bit at a loss of how to help her by myself. G-d knows I didn’t handle my anxiety well as a kid.
Anonymous says
Yes absolutely
So Anon says
Highly recommend the book “Anxious Kids Anxious Parents” that will arm you with tools to help your daughter. I found the tools truly helped my son when he struggled with anxiety and were also great reminders for me.
The author also has a great podcast ClusterFlux.
Leatty says
Thank you! Just ordered this book.
ANon says
i’d probably try it out. i mean i know therapy is expensive and time consuming, but i doubt it would be harmful. is this new behavior or has it been going on for a while? I’d message your pediatrician and see what he/she thinks
Anon says
I don’t think m self-regulation or lack thereof is the issue. The issue is that she’s having these thoughts, not her reaction them. Screaming and crying when you’re scared is not abnormal for a 5 year old, but worrying that your dad is going to die or get a new family every time you say goodbye to him is.
Anon says
Oops meant to be a reply to the 10:08 poster who said her self regulation skills will be better when she’s not hungry or tired.
anon says
I’m not so sure. When they’re hungry or tired my kids would sob that they never ever get to go before their sibling or will not ever get the pink cup again or that I don’t love them or whatever nonsense comes to mind. If you ask them when they’re calm, they know it’s irrational, but it still comes out in moments of disregulation.
I don’t know where OP’s 5 yo is getting that her dad is going to remarry and not come home, but that came from somewhere, whether she heard adults talking or experienced trama herself. Five year olds don’t just invent that story line on their own.
Anon says
I guess I see a meltdown about not getting the pink cup very differently. Certainly kids who are hungry and tired are disregulated and “lose it” easily and cry about things adults consider silly. But this extreme separation anxiety is not normal, and I think having those thoughts is very different than crying about something trivial like the wrong color cup. I have an anxious kid who also doesn’t have the best emotional regulation in general, and there’s a pretty clear difference between an anxiety spiral and a meltdown over something unimportant that results from external conditions like being hungry or overtired.
anon says
It’s not that they’re not somewhat different, but that the anxiety spiral is intensified when hungry or tired. It’s harder for them to recover. All my suggestion was is to judge when hungry and tired isn’t feeding into the anxiety–try to disaggregate the two.
Anon says
I don’t have advice but I’m curious to see responses because my 4 year old is similar.
anon says
Was she hungry or tired? I would judge your daughter’s needs at her best, not when she’s tired or hungry. I think that better reflects her skills at self regulating and where she’ll be when she’s a bit bigger. Has she recently started Kindergarten?
I think there’s two ways to go: (1) buy books, listen to podcasts, etc and educate yourself on ways to help her develop skills to manage her anxiety or (2) get someone to help teach you both. At 5 yo, I don’t think she’s likely to benefit from therapy in the same way as someone older. She’ll need you to remind her of what she’s supposed to be doing and working on throughout the week.
Leatty says
She may have been a bit tired after school, but she definitely has moments like this even when she isn’t hungry or tired. We just moved across the country, so it may be that all of the changes that come with that have made her more anxious than usual.
Anon says
Oh that’s kind of a big detail. I’d give her at least six months to adjust before you worry.
Anonymous says
Separate from your therapy question- have you considered leaning into some of what is most likely just going to be her personality no matter how much therapy she has?
We have a similar kiddo and she has flourished in a musical theatre program. I think it gives her an outlet for some of the drama.
Mine is also the middle child, so while she is definitely naturally anxious, and is absolutely our most spirited child (by orders of magnitude) she also has a flair for the attention-seeking.
In the scenario you described re: driving home without dad, mine would have done well if we pulled over, i gave her a hug and let her know dad was meeting us home, and then I indulged the fantasy for a bit. “Oh, if if we’re just you and me, l would want to paint the house ESI bow and get a pet giraffe. What could we name it??? Do you think the neighbors would care if it pooped on the lawn?” Followed by an eye roll and “eewww mom no poop talk.”
Anon says
I commented above that I have a similar kid, and we’ve been really wanting to get her into theater, because it seems like a great fit for her dramatic personality. I’m glad to hear it’s been great for your kid.
Aunt Jamesina says
I feel like indulging fantasies (like wanting ice cream for dinner) is a nice tool, but I wouldn’t “indulge” a fear.
Anonymous says
Idk, it was my suggestion and it works for my kid bc it isn’t exactly a fear. It’s a hyperbole of emotion. It helps to distract her from a spiral.
Leatty says
That’s a good idea. Sometimes we can cut off a meltdown or spiral by leaning into it in a silly manner, but I was so taken aback when she said he would die (and had to cut off my own spiral that was prompted by that thought) that I didn’t even think to do that. I think you’re right that this is likely going to be her personality, I guess I just want to give her the tools she needs to battle it.
Anonymous says
I’ve had success with my 7 year old (prone to this kind of huge emotional spiral with thoughts that don’t make sense) with a trick my own therapist taught me, which is “oh hey, your huge feelings are back! Let’s focus your mind for a bit so we can talk in a few minutes. Can you find 5 red things? 3 blue things? Something fuzzy? Something poky?” At 5, he wasn’t as willing to do this, but after a lot of practice it helps.
Anonymous says
My husband and I are currently both on parental leave with our second child (currently ~1 month; older is 3). My spouse goes back to work in mid-September and, his first week back, travels to Europe for a week (Sunday through Friday). I’ll still be in leave, so I’m thankful for that, but I’m worried that I’m just not going to be able to handle things, especially (1) mornings, when the two kids wake up around the same time and the baby needs to nurse while the preschooler needs to be eating breakfast, having lunch made, getting dressed, and being taken to school (all of which is done by an adult or requires heavy adult supervision) and (2) evenings, when baby again needs to nurse (and wants to do so almost constantly), bedtimes don’t match, baby often needs intervention after I’ve put her down, toddler needs to bathe at some point during the week, and preschooler also often demands post-bedtime help. This all obviously is on top of waking up with the baby however many times per night (currently one, which I hope holds, though she’s awake for 90+ minutes).
I’m hoping my mom will be able to come give me a hand, but that may not work out and I won’t know for sure until closer to the date. Assuming she can’t, I’d welcome anyone’s tips for how to manage all of this, including ideas that amount to “throw money at it”—generally we’re happy to pay for childcare and other kinds of help that will make a real difference.
Anonymous says
Cancel the trip.
Anon says
What?! People would be furious if someone posted here that her husband asked her to cancel a work trip because he couldn’t handle a baby and a toddler. This will definitely not be an easy week, but asking her husband to cancel his trip is absurd.
AwayEmily says
I did a lot of parenting on my own with a 2-yo and infant (my husband was out of town for a few days each week). I used screens as necessary — for example, when I nursed the baby at bedtime in the nursery, I would let the 2yo watch Sesame Street on low on my phone in the same room. Make sure to have baby containment devices and changing tables on both floors. And I found that the best time to have help was evenings/bedtime — do you have a friend who could come over and read to the toddler/keep them company while you focus on nursing? Our neighbors had a 3yo and 5yo at the time, and i would often invite them over for pizza one night when I was solo parenting — even though it was more chaotic, it felt better to have company.
Anon says
+1 to baby containment devices handy. And if you have to put baby down in the crib for fifteen minutes while you brush older kids teeth and the baby cries the whole time? you’re not messing the baby up, I promise.
I solo a lot and have done this combo. We did get a night nurse when DH traveled after baby was born because I couldn’t lift my older one into and out of her crib due to the c-section recovery (night nurse helped with that and also helped me overnight) – so also giving you permission to hire some help if you need to!
CHL says
Good luck! That sounds hard but you can do it! In your shoes I would see if I could get a babysitter to come in the afternoon/evenings or pick up preschooler if at all possible. You could have that person feed her, play with her, give her a bath and put her to bed, and/or make her a lunch for the next day while you tend to baby and your sanity. I would also be really happy to help out a friend in this situation, so reach out to people in your circle. Have a whole bunch of food on hand that can just be reheated or eaten with one hand or snackable. If you have a babysitter that would come in the morning, do that too – have them deal with preschooler and maybe prepare lunches and do laundry if possible. I would look at what you have access to and just take advantage of whatever extra help you can get rather than having a firm “I need this” in mind.
Lacey says
Sure you’ll be able to handle things. Don’t worry about it. If you have to put the baby down in the pack n play or crib while fussing for a few minutes so you can handle things with the preschooler, it’ll be fine. Getting a kid dressed takes 3 minutes. Bathing a kid (at a minimum level) takes 10 minutes max. Setting kid up with a cup of yogurt (or your ready-made breakfast of choice) takes 2 minutes. Baby will be fine for any of those periods of time.
If you don’t have one already, consider getting a baby-wearing device like a Bjorn so you can hold baby hands-free. But really, billions of moms have taken care of 2+ small kids simultaneously. You’ve got this.
Mary Moo Cow says
+1. It might be not he pretty, but it will get done, and at the end, you’ll feel like a hero.
I remember calling my SAHM sister the day before DH went back to work and I had a toddler and a baby at home by myself for the first time and she gently laughed and said, you’ll be fine. She was right. But also, simplify where you can: Sesame Street on the tablet, take out or door dash, skip a bath, etc.
Aunt Jamesina says
Does your infant like being in a carrier? I feel like a carrier was my best tool for trying to get anything done around the house with a newborn (although I only have one kid, so what do I know?). If you’re interested and the baby isn’t yet used to one, I would try it out now. I would also either have you or your husband prep food and freeze and/or do a grocery grun of low-prep meals (I find Trader Joe’s is helpful for this if you have access to one).
Anonymous says
If you don’t have a dog, I think you’ll be fine. I had to do this unexpectedly after a death in the family that required international travel, and the baby + toddler + dog + zero advance time to prep meals etc. was just too much. I sent the dog to stay with the family the next time DH had to travel, bought a bunch of pre-made meals, and it was SO much easier. As other posters have said, baby + toddler is manageable if you can get yourself set up for success.
Earlier poster says
You’re so right. The dog is the hardest part.
Anonymous says
So much this. Send the dog to stay with family or at the kennel if you have one.
anon says
So much this. I’ve been doing 3+ week stints when my SO is gone for work and it’s fine with one baby (now a toddler) but my aging fragile large dog who needs to be carried up and down stairs and needs to go out very often was difficult to manage. We still did fine and I just had to get the dog used to the idea of walking with the stroller (and stop walking in front of the stroller and inevitably get bumped by it). When I had to travel leaving my SO alone for 5 days I hired a dog walker.
Anonymous says
Why did SO get a dog walker when solo parenting, but not you?
Anon says
Wouldn’t work with a large dog but we carried our elderly chihuahua mix in the base of the bucket seat stroller caddy. She found it very demeaning, but she survived.
anonny says
I just did a version of this (2 preschoolers + baby) while spouse was travelling.
Screen time + baby carrier + understanding “this is not our typical”
Skip bath, easily prepped meals. Have spouse grocery shop & prep meals before he goes.
Our mornings looked like:
Baby wake up & feed, big kids TV in bed (bonus: prep cup of milk & breakfast bar for 3 yr old to enjoy in bed while you feed baby)
Baby in carrier or swing while I dress big kids.
Another option- if baby takes a good morning nap, feed baby, kiddo gets TV in bed, dress kiddo & take them out to breakfast at a coffee shop or similar. My 3 yr old LOVED this and was motivated to get ready while baby was eating so she could get a cake pop. This works best if baby will nap in carseat while you’re out.
Evenings:
Nurse baby, big kid gets TV in bed. Baby goes down to sleep, then time with big kids
Meals: Pay for delivery service – bonus if you can pre-order so it arrives ahead of time or grocery pick-up of prepared foods ahead of time (again – outsource to spouse)
Anon says
I’ve had to do this. These are my routines:
Morning:
-Get self up and ready
-Get baby up and nurse
-Get toddler up with her morning milk in a cup (who went to bed in her clothes for the next day with underwear over her pullup). If toddler wakes up early she plays in her room or if that fails she gets a show.
-Baby wear or put baby on playmat in toddler’s room and get toddler teeth brushed, hair brushed and pull up off.
– Go downstairs, feed toddler and self breakfast (yes it would be better if teeth brushing happened after breakfast but when I’m solo it doesn’t). I make lunch the night before once toddler was in bed. Grab toddler bag and put lunch in bag.
– Take toddler to school. We walk and baby is in the carrier or stroller. Now I’m back at work I hand off this portion to the nanny and I drive into the office.
Nighttime-
-Take toddler and baby to toddler’s room, usually babywearing because baby is cranky but its not bedtime yet for baby.
– Get toddler into clothes for the next day, brush hair and teeth. We skip baths. I would plan to do them in the afternoon on a weekend when baby is napping if its a whole week.
– Nurse baby while reading bedtime story to toddler.
– Send toddler to use the potty, and while that is happening change the baby, put her in PJs, and put the baby down in her crib for the night. Sometime the toddler also gets a short show to give me enough time to get the baby down.
– Read last bedtime story to toddler (stopping to give the baby back her pacifier a few times).
-Put toddler in bed, say goodnight.
– Check on baby if still fussing.
Its doable but its very tiring.
Anon says
I would prep lunch for the week or buy very easy lunches that can be thrown into a lunch box. +1 to door dash. In a month 1 month old should be easier to handle, although maybe that’s wishful thinking. I think one bath, and maybe consider taking toddler into the shower with you if s/he is amenable to it? If you felt comfortable, I would hire a sitter to watch the baby for a couple of hours so you can decompress. Or a trusted friend.
Anon says
I have been there with kids the same age. It helps to really talk about taking turns – I tell my baby to wait because it’s toddler’s turn, and vice versus. I’m lucky in that my 3 year old will play somewhat independently sometimes, so he can play while I nurse. New toys or hands-on activities (we have a big sensory bin that is good for this) keep him busy. The target dollar spot has little projects if you have a crafty kid. Also tv is not terrible – nothing wrong with a little Paw Patrol if you need a moment.
I have baby containers everywhere so I always have somewhere to put the baby. At two months a smaller wheeled bassinet is awesome to wheel around your living space or to just have somewhere to set your baby while you pack lunch in the kitchen or wipe a butt in the bathroom. Less bending and the baby doesn’t freak out as much if they’re that close. Baby goes on the floor during bath time. My kid also loves to “help” wash the baby, though I really need to talk up how baby likes their feet touched rather than their head. Outside I use wraps or a bassinet stroller while the older kid runs around like a crazy person.
At bedtime I do a snack while we watch tv so I have time to nurse and do chores. Then we get ready for bed, read, and then I go put baby down while the toddler falls asleep. My toddler normally doesn’t sleep independently so I usually need to come back. It’s a little juggley but works out fine.
This may sound weird but on weekend days I kind of like taking the both to the grocery store. My older kid loves those carts that look like cars and I wear the baby. Sometimes I get tired of the constant motion but he’s contained in one of those carts.
Otherwise lean into whoever wants to come help and Trader Joe’s style meals to reheat. People looove holding babies so even neighbors you barely know would probably love to help. Good luck! You got this!
Anonymous says
Hire a post-partum doula to help out 3-4 days for a few hours each day to give you a break. Most work with families where the babies are under 3 months old.
Anonymous says
I had an infant and 2 year old at one point and had similar concerns. I was going to hire a mother’s helper for the evening and then COVID hit. It actually wasn’t terrible.
I had a baby bjorn carrier that I moved from room to room as we worked through our routine with the toddler.
I also focused on having as much prepped as possible when the toddler wasn’t there. Clothes out, lunch and breakfast prepped etc.
It seems daunting but you can do it!
Anon says
I know many folks kids’ have started back at school already, but curious what your best back to school tips are before we head back after Labor Day! I’ve got backpacks and some clothes and that’s really all I’ve done. Any tips for easing nerves/settling into a new routine?
Anonymous says
We start 8/31. We are at the beach for two weeks and get home 3 days before school starts. Backpacks and school supplies are bought. They have clothes for the first day. I emailed the bus company to make sure their stop is correct (always an issue for us).
While at the beach we have been waking them up at 7am. They are hilariously all about it because they “don’t want to miss a minute of vacation.” Jokes on them, we are prepping them to get up and catch a 7:20 school bus next week.
Mine are also in mid elem so sports start soon and quickly take over. We are packing in some family time before we have to drive all over the state for soccer and field hockey and gymnastics.
We are also brainstorming dinner ideas while on vacation.
Mary Moo Cow says
Allow for all the feelings. In my house, we’re excited to see friends, craving routine, mourning the end of long pool afternoons, anxious about a new teacher, frantic with lunch ideas, etc.I acknowledge the bad and hype the good. As for practical, have a weeks worth of a menu planned (snacks and lunch for school and dinners), make sure groceries and sundries are stocked, and that you and all the caregivers know the schedule for the first week. Then, if you can, relax and be mindful of the moments: first drop off, we made it through a week, etc.
anon says
All of this is great advice. Last week was the first week for my kids, and I was surprised by how emotional and tired they were at the end of the week. And they’re not itty-bitty, either. It’s a big change, even if they’ve been at daycare or summer camps the whole season. I see part of my job during the first week as being a calm, comforting presence.
Anon says
We just started K. Pack your patience! We came back from the beach and had about a week before school started, which was mostly spent catching up on sleep from all the vacation fun (i.e., we did not enforce early wake up times and did not fight bedtime although tried to nudge earlier). Kiddo was a mess over the weekend (mostly due to nerves I think, but super bratty, whiny, argumentative, just not her usual self). Open House at school was less successful in terms of easing nerves; it seemed to overwhelm her more, but it gave us more information to be able to help prep her about what would happen when and where (e.g., when the bus gets to school, you go to the cafeteria, then your teacher will come get you, what time lunch is, one snack, etc.). We made a point of just having a low-key, stay at home weekend before with lots of mommy time to sort of “pre-fill” her bucket if that makes sense.
In terms of practicalities, she got a new backpack and lunchbox as a birthday present this summer. DH helps her pick out clothes the night before and get dressed in the morning while I shower. I made sure we had fun new (unicorn!) ice packs, water bottles and thermos food jars dug out of storage and ready to go. I put a bunch of fun new snacks I thought my super picky eater would like on the grocery order and made sure we had easy (read, frozen) meals for the first week. We went out to dinner on a patio to celebrate her first day! I printed out a “menu” (excel chart) for packing her lunches that she and DH can choose from for eating breakfast (at home) and packing snack (nut free snack and fruit) and lunch (main, sides, fruit, drink, dessert). I meal prepped kodiak pancakes with mini m and ms for her breakfast and one of her main dishes she likes that can just be reheated and put in a thermos (or eaten for dinner). Then I cleared my calendar to be home early, have done my best to cancel any evening commitments this week (some are unavoidable) and we are prioritizing school, sleep and downtime for the next few weeks!
ifiknew says
What do you use to practice reading? My 5 year old can read 3 and 4 letter words and has many sight words that came with the 4 weeks to read book set and we’re working through the books it came with, but do we just start with level 1 early reader books at the library after this? People just say “my kid can read” but I’m not sure what that means since there are obviously many different levels.
AwayEmily says
My 6yo (about to start first grade) is at the same level and honestly, we don’t do early reader books because she doesn’t enjoy them. To the extent we practice reading it’s all in context (e.g. she wants to know what a sign is and we ask her to sound it out, she is writing a card for a friend, etc). I’m just not that worried about it — I figure she will largely learn at school and if she starts to fall behind we can do more at home at that point. If she actively wanted to read books, I would go with the “pre-reader” books (you can get them at the library).
GCA says
We are in this camp as well. At ages 5-6, kid 1 wanted more interesting content than the early reader books could offer. We had him read street signs, write birthday and thank you cards, and then I wrote a lot of nonsense syllables on flash cards for him to sound out phonetically and he cracked up and kept asking to do more (I am quite proud of this one, he turned 5 and was home with us in the early pandemic – but in truth it was inspired by the Book With No Pictures). In kindergarten he was able to sound out words and picked up a few more sight words, but reading with comprehension of the content, rather than just decoding words, did not click till 1st grade.
AwayEmily says
This makes me feel better about our low-key approach! Honestly I thought I’d be the kind of mom who spent a lot of time doing phonics with their kid and got them reading early, but it turns out I’m the kind of mom who is VERY happy to leave the actual teaching to the school, and prefers to spend her time reading fun chapter books to her kid (we finished the Harry Potter series this summer!).
DLC says
We do a lot of street signs and cereal boxes too. I just know I’m more likely to read to my kid if I’m interested in the book and early readers don’t really do it for me either.
So I try to focus on letter/sound recognition in the everyday world.
I love that nonsense syllable flash card, idea, though!
Anonymous says
Is your kid in K? Talk to the teacher about how they reach reading, and do that. Our K teaches specific reading strategies that we were able to practice at home and even use for them younger kiddos.
The best practice i is just exposure. You read to kid, let kid read to you, don’t make them work too hard to sound stuff out. If they don’t get it, point to the word and read it for them and move on. You want them to love reading.
Anonymous says
no no no no. sounding out (i.e., phonics) is the best documented way to learn to read. PLEASE do not follow the teacher cult nonsense around balanced reading. yes, you want them to love reading. but they will learn to read in a truly foundational way by learning to sound out words.
Anonymous says
I don’t think that poster is saying don’t use phonics. I think she’s saying don’t push your kid too hard during at home reading time.
anon says
We did a lot of the “My First/Shared Reading” type books (my kids loved the Biscuit series because they’re obsessed with animals). That level is easier than Level 1 and meant for an adult to read alongside a kid, so you can start out doing that and then transition to her reading them independently as she gets better at spelling words out. The BOB books were also great for building confidence in their reading skills, since those are very carefully scaffolded.
The Scholastic ‘Acorn’ books are also good once she’s in the early reader stage, followed by the ‘Branches’ series. Unicorn Diaries was a major hit at age 5, because they’re about unicorns and have colored pictures, but at also simple enough for an early reader to get through with minimal help.
But also, AwayEmily makes lots of good points! Your kid will learn to “really” read in K or 1st grade and you don’t need to do anything at home other than read books to her unless you want to. There’s a lot of emphasis out there than can make you feel like your kid is a failure if they don’t read before they start K, but that’s really not true.
Anonymous says
Magic Treehouse.
Anon says
Just a perspective, these would have been way too hard for my kids to jump into in the very early practice reading stage.
Anon says
With my kids these would have been way too hard in the very very early learning to read stage that I think OPs kid is at (not to say it didn’t work for yours, but just to help OP with expectations in case they don’t work for hers yet).
Anon says
(I think both comments above are from me. My phone had a meltdown posting with the millions of moving pop ups and it didn’t look like it posted).
Different poster says
We did magic treehouse pretty early but I just had kid read easy sentences and I read all the hard parts. I find them just as easy as some of those level 1 books! But we read together and mo willems are easier.
anon says
There are lots of other great series before jumping to Magic Treehouse. We loved the Branches series including Dragon Masters (becoming a cult classic in the early elementary set), Princess in Black, Mia Mayhem, Kingdom of Wrenly. There are lots of great early chapter books with pictures.
Different Poster says
Oh yeah we liked all of those too. Especially Kingdom of Wrenly – don’t think it gets enough love. But nothing wrong with Magic Treehouse either!
Trickiest ones are the graphic novel type. They’re fun, but I find them harder for kid to follow. One of mine who’s learning to read right now LOVES Narwhal and Jelly. Although with those and with Elephant and Piggie you can each take on a character which is fun.
Another good series is the Jack books by Mac Barnett. Just remembered those and they are GREAT for this stage. DS especially loves them.
Anon says
These would have definitely been too hard for my kid at the early reader stage, partly because they require a lot more endurance. Something like Elephant and Piggie is much shorter and easier to get through.
Anon says
I don’t know that we’ve ever “practiced” reading at home with either of my readers beyond BOB books early on. Just continue reading to them at home and occasionally get them to read to you out of whatever they’re interested in – if it’s a chapter book, could be easy words here and there or certain sentences or paragraphs, if it’s Mo Willems could be the whole book.
They’ll learn to read at school (or mine did) so anything at home was just for fun. And school will reach out if kid is behind, which I can tell yours isn’t! All of a sudden you’ll turn around and they’ll be sitting in the corner reading a chapter book. And it’s great. That was more first grade at our house though.
anon says
The best books at the beginning are phonetic readers. We started with Bob books before moving on to the Dear Dragon and Useborne phonics readers. Then we stepped up to Elephant and Piggie.
Generic level 1 books tend not to be phonetic and aren’t a great place to start unless that’s what’s needed to get your kid interested because they have trendy subject matter.
Anon says
We also found generic Bob books the best for starting.
I’m glad to hear you say this about the Level 1 Early Readers. When my kids were getting pretty good headway at the Bob books, the Level 1 readers were still to hard for them – and I could see they were too, but wouldn’t have been able to articulate why. Seems to be at odds with the marketing of what they are supposed to be.
anon says
I think these became popular during the now discredited “Balanced Reading” movement (led by Lucy Calkins) when kids were supposed to guess words based on pictures. We now know that it’s better to learn to read with phonics. I’d pass on non-phonetic Level 1 readers until your kid is solid at sounding out words.
Anon says
TIL my 4 year old is reading. Kidding…but she’s very good at guessing the words based on the pictures.
Anonymous says
Can’t sing the praises of Bob books enough. I think my older kid was just naturally primed to pick up reading quickly (so different than me as a child!) but we read the entire Bob series and then he was ready to just pick up what he wanted to read. He had no patience for early readers (boring!) and moved quickly to easy nonfiction – books about animals, geography, etc. And continuing to read out loud at a higher level is soooooo important for comprehension later and making it easier to sound out words in more advanced books (definitely easier to sound out words you are already vaguely familiar with).
Anonymous says
Yes on continuing to read aloud! Kids who have a better vocabulary automatically have an easier time with reading comprehensions, which makes reading easier, which makes it more enjoyable.
Anonymous says
Usborne Phonics Books if they’re past early phonics readers. Avoid library Level 1 books as they often have random words in them and don’t follow phonetic progression. We pretty much avoid memorizing most sight words or guessing based on pictures. Basically American public schools have thrown our literacy rates down the toilet with “balanced reading instruction”. You want them to sound out as much as possible. Of course English has a lot of foreign words mixed in so eventually you need to help (think Resume or bouquet). Hooked on phonics is still good. And keep reading aloud to them! Even when they’re teens!
Anonymous says
What shoes are your 8/9/10ish year old girls wearing this year? Recs for sneaks and shoes please!
anon says
Sketchers slip-ons in a rainbow leopard print. They have super soft memory foam lining. Not gonna lie, I wish they came in adult sizes!
Anonymous says
Does your kiddo wear socks with these? If yes, what kind of socks in shorts weather?
anon says
Yes, she wears low-cut Hanes socks. They’re not no-shows, but pretty darn close.
Anonymous says
Have you seen the Skechers Bobs line (I’ve gotten from DSW)? They are Toms-style and have memory foam lining (for adults).
anon says
Mine has gone through a few pairs of brightly colored Under Armour sneakers. She’s also worn a pair of classic black and white Adidas recently.
Anon says
Asics sneakers that are disgustingly large. (My 9 year old has bigger feet than me, which I am finding very tragic.)
Anon says
Our biweekly cleaners don’t normally clean our fridge, but we’re paying extra for them to do it this week and they told us we have to take all the food out of the fridge. Is that normal? Back in that day I had a cleaning lady who would clean the fridge and just take things out briefly and put them back as she worked. What do we do with all the perishable food??
Anon says
When I clean my fridge I do this. I throw it all in coolers and use the opportunity when refilling to reset the organization.
EDAnon says
I don’t normally do this when I clean but I highly recommend it, especially if you’re paying someone to clean it. It gets way cleaner if you take everything out.
CRTS says
How bad is it to switch a kid for pk4 after having been in the same school only for pk3? Assume we have to move the kid *again* for kindergarden (too hard to get into our preferred program if we wait until first grade). Child is happy at school, we’ve just had some changes and the commute has become 1 hour each way for either parent (30 mins for child each way). Feel super guilty about the disruption to the child (seems selfish to solve our problem by making things harder for the kid!) but my partner is stressing that it’s taking a mental health toll at this point and I cannot take over the entire thing. We have not been able to find a reliable driver to outsource this and need to make the decision ASAP.
Anon says
Not bad. Whatever is best for the family is also best for the child. (My older son was in preK 4 when Covid hit and had a VERY disjointed last three years…he is generally fine. Choosing a new preschool will be fine.)
Anon says
Not bad at all (IMO). You have to put on your own oxygen mask first. Kids are resilient and yours will be fine. I think in later elementary or later switching schools every year would be problematic from a social perspective, but at PK3 and PK4 the kids will just make new friends and it will be fine.
Anon says
so i have twins in PreK4 and there are a million new kids at their school this year. the school does continue through elementary school so i know some of the kids will be staying for that, but not all of them
Anon says
My kid did one preschool at age 2, virtual preK3 at age 3 at a different school, in-person preK4 at the same school (but an entirely different experience and new set of kids, etc, because they’d all be virtual the year before), and then K at another new school (where hopefully he’ll stay for a while but sometimes jobs change). It’s not at all unusual and I wouldn’t feel bad about it.
Anonymous says
I wouldn’t even consider not moving. Move tmrw. That’s an absurd commute.
Anonymous says
We just made that choice because previous preschool/daycare hours are now permanently shorter. We gotta work.
CRTS says
Thanks, everyone, for the reassurance. Others IRL had been emphasizing how disruptive it would be for the child and it was making me feel quite guilty for even considering it.
anon says
Nope nope nope, do not entertain that thought. A solution has to work for the whole family, and it sounds like your current situation is not doing that.
Anonymous says
Yeah, hard nope on that one. Another example of the pressure for moms to martyr themselves for the sake of (often imagined) benefits to their children. Kids who are insulated from all changes and challenges grow up without resilience.
DLC says
2020 was disruptive. Moving your child to a school closer to home is nowhere in that realm.
AwayEmily says
Sibling advice needed…my 4.5 and 6.5yo have been struggling lately. Deliberately provoking each other, getting into each others’ faces, etc. An example from yesterday: the 4yo tried to give the 6yo something he made at school for her and she just refused to take it and walked away (they had not previously been arguing or anything), which obviously upset him and then he started following her around in order to irritate her. Whole thing ended with both in tears.
It used to be that their sibling struggles were mostly about “they are using the thing I want to use,” and I got pretty good at intervening in a “ok, let’s solve this problem together” way. But I don’t know how to intervene when the “problem” is just them randomly being jerks to each other.
I will note it’s not all bad — on Sunday they played together happily for hours making an animal hospital in their room. But they just get in this mode where they wind each other up and i don’t know how to stop it from happening (or really even understand what triggers it).
Anonymous says
I just intervene and make them be kind to each other? Like 6.5 year old has to come back, accept gift and say thank you and then walk away. If they don’t want younger kid’s gift in their room, I’ll put it in the playroom. older kid does not have to play with younger kid but they do have to be kind to them like they would a school friend.
The line I use a lot is ‘you don’t have to play with your sibling but you do have to be kind to them’. ‘No thank you, I don’t want to play right now’ gets used a lot.
It’s good practice for kindly declining things later in life. You can say no but you can’t be mean unless it is a safety issue.
Anon says
how do you know if something is actually bothering kiddo vs a bedtime stall tactic? my 4 year old twins are in prek and are in separate classes for the first time. we started last wednesday and twin B was also smiles coming home from school and was happy to go to school, but at bedtime on Wednesday and Thursday night wouldn’t go to sleep, kept getting out of bed, asking why she couldn’t be in the same class as her sister. Friday I took them to school and walked them in (usually our nanny takes them) and talked to the teacher who said she was doing great, and kiddo literally ran right in and started playing and didn’t even say good bye to me. kiddo was tired over the weekend, but never once said she didn’t want to go to school. she was fine sunday night. last night at dinner we went around to say what happened that day that made them smile and she said nothing and then once she was in her bed, she told me that she didn’t like the names of the kids in her class, the toys, the food, the colors, etc. and said she’d rather drop twin A off at school and stay home to play with our nanny (she’s never said that before). i told her that i was so glad she was sharing that with me, we talked for a bit and i promised her we could make time to talk about it again this morning. she fell right to sleep and this morning had no complaints about going to school. you think this is just tired talk? wanting mommy to stay in her room more before bed? how much should i indulge this vs. trying to get her to go to bed? i want her to know that it is safe to talk to me about these things and i can try to help her, but to figure out a better time to chat
Anon says
Just tired talk. Also there’s actually no way you can help her here in the way she wants – she has to go to school and she has to be in a different class right? So I wouldn’t indulge it. Nothing wrong with some chatting but wouldn’t give it any credence beyond giving her a safe space.
My new kindergartner was a tired mess all last week and all weekend. He was a complete grouch and it was super annoying, but yeah, not going to worry about it until parent teacher conferences and if we get a bad report then, we may need to address behavior. If her teacher said she was doing great, she’s doing great.
Anonymous says
Don’t push on not sharing this kind of feelings at bedtime. That’s when most kids are going to share their feelings. I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect a 4 year old to “find a better time.”
OP says
i didnt literally mean find a better time, more like how long do i let her talk for vs. try to find a graceful way to leave the room without her feeling like this isn’t important/i dont want to hear about what she is feeling, because i do, but i also don’t want her to go to bed super late past her bedtime because both she and her sister are a mess without enough sleep. and then of course her sister got jealous and wanted to also tell me all the things she doesn’t like about her class, which she did while trying to hide her smile. i want my kids to feel safe and comfortable talking to me, but i don’t know that allowing an unlimited amount of time for a 4 year old to talk at bedtime is ideal? or maybe it is?
Lacey says
I tend to let my 6 yo start 2-3 brief conversations when we’re laying there about to go to bed. When we get to the third thing, I say, “This has to be the last thing, it’s time for bed, ok?” Then if she starts to talk again, I gently correct her and say, “We can’t talk anymore right now, it’s bedtime.” I figure anything super important, she’ll say in the first couple comments. And this is if she’s using a conversational tone and just chatting – obviously if she were crying or something we’d talk it out.
Good Read says
Maybe this is old news for everyone (article from August 9) but I thought the article from Vogue by Serena Williams about her retirement was an excellent read.
ANon says
yes i read the article when it came out and i agree that it was well written
Anon says
Label recommendations that will stay on lunchboxes/fabric snack bags? My 4.5 year old has takes a canvas lunchbox and two separate snack bags (we use the PackIt freezeable ones) to TK with her every day. I’ve been using masking tape with her name written on it to label them but I’d like a more permanent solution.
Anon says
I’ve used labels from Label Daddy and Name Bubbles. They are pricey but I’ve been using them for 10 months and none of the labels have budged after many, many washes.
Anon says
This might be too annoying for the snackbags, but for our PackIt lunchboxes I just got keychain tags I could write their names on and attached those to the zippers. It’s been a year and they’re holding up fine being frozen daily.
Anonymous says
Mabel’s Labels
Anonymous says
This. 3 kids and this is where I get mine from. Pro tip -if you have multiple kids and an unusual last name just order last name labels – can be used for any of your kids and will still find it’s way back to you.
DLC says
Two methods I use-
– Fabric medical tape (this trick I learned from a costume designer friend- it’s what they use for costumes and shoes). It will eventually come off but stays for a surprisingly long time
– safety pin a scrap of fabric with child’s name written on it with Sharpie.
Vicky Austin says
Hi hive, what would be your best recommendations for pre-parenthood reading? I’m not worried about any particular parenting philosophy, but I do feel like I need to learn the basics of infant care. Whatever else you appreciated or turned to I’d love to hear about. Bonus if it helped your partner, too!
Anon says
The AAP book is great: Caring for Your Baby and Young Child, 7th Edition: Birth to Age 5 https://a.co/d/4BEqB6G
Otherwise I highly recommend your local library for variety.
anon says
The AAP has a large book called something like caring for your child from infancy to age 5. It’s largely really helpful and science-based. However, the version I had (from like a decade ago) still had some outdated ideas on gender and parenting. I think it’s been updated since then and hopefully gotten better on that point.
My local hospital had a fantastic class on infant care that was well worth attending.
Anon says
Heading Home with Your Newborn covers the basics, but honestly I’m in the camp that no prep is necessary. I had never held (or even met!) a newborn before my own, and I figured it out fast. It’s intuition and the nurses in the hospital will teach you the basics like how to change a diaper.
I took some classes at the hospital too, but I did not feel like they helped at all. It was all so theoretical, and the breastfeeding class was so aggressively anti-formula that I almost walked out. I wanted to nurse, and ended up doing so for 18 months, but I wasn’t opposed to using formula and I hated that many of the things they said (e.g., formula will interfere with mother-child bonding) were not grounded in science.
Anonymous says
I strongly recommend against nursing classes and books. The nursing class convinced my husband that the baby would be damaged if I didn’t BF, leading him to pressure me to BF when I should have stopped trying around day 2.
Anonymous says
Just another vote to say take any classes and read all the books but I don’t think you /need/ any formal prep. I’m an adoptive mom; had an 8 week old dropped off at my house (at 1AM but that’s a story for another time), and we figured it out. I sent my mom a photo the next morning and she said “um you need to put some footie pjs on that baby” and she was right! Then it took me 2 days to figure out that his formula was giving him gas. After that, we were bonded and I kind of just knew what he needed. You’ll do great. I’m not a hippie type but I’m a firm believer that you kind of intuitively know what your baby needs.
Anon says
Will your partner read the same materials voluntarily? If not, I’d recommend taking a class together so you’re on the same page. You don’t want to be the expert instructing him or her. It’s better if you at least try to be equally informed (even though one person usually ends up taking the lead).