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(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
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Kid/Family Sales
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Cb says
So this week my son has realised that not all parents work, and thus, not all children have to go to wraparound care. And boy is he salty about it. Any good scripts that help explain to kids that some parents work, some parents don’t, etc?
I think in some ways this will “fix” itself when I’m back to my normal 25% travel schedule, it’s easier to understand why you have to go to breakfast club when mummy is literally in a different nation, but for now, it’s hard. He also doesn’t have aftercare everyday due to waitlists, so it’s hard to understand why I can spend 3 hours at the playpark on Tuesdays, but not the rest of the week…
He’s asked to stay home with promises to “be very quiet” and for me to poke holes in a big box, fill it with snacks and an iPad, and ship him to Portugal, before he realised the loo would be an issue, lol.
avocado says
This happened for me in kindergarten. Honestly, no logical explanation ever really helped. She is 15 now and understands that for Reasons it’s necessary for me to maintain a career and that the nicer parts of her life have been made possible by having two working parents, but she still resents the fact that she had to go to after-school programs and summer day camps. It was more about the fact that she hated the loud, chaotic environments of those programs than about wanting to spend time with me, so if we’d had a nanny she probably would have been perfectly happy.
Cb says
I think that plays into it for T. The wraparound care (which is the only game in town) is like lord of the flies. He’s a sensitive soul and the noisy environment isn’t the easiest for him – although he’s LOVING the school day!
Anonymous says
First off, sorry you’re getting the guilt trip. My husband doesn’t work (well, he’s a stay at home to 2 middle elementary kids and runs everything around our home). My kids used to whine to go to aftercare! They want what they don’t have.
When they get salty about my job and that I’m not around for some reason, I tell them I make money so we can live in our house and go on vacations and the like. And everyone’s family is different.
Anon says
+1 million to they want what they don’t have. I realize it’s hard to hear your child say these things, but I guarantee you the children of stay at home moms are whining that they can’t go to aftercare (and they can’t take fancy vacations or horseback riding lessons or whatever else they want that their parents can’t afford on one income). Kids complain. It’s what they do.
Anon says
This!! I had a unicorn childhood with a mom who worked part time in a prestigious and lucrative job, so I truly had the best of both worlds – affluent dual income parents and an amazing working mom role model, but also a mom who was home with me every afternoon after school, volunteered in my classes, made homemade baked goods and hand-crafted decorations for every holiday, etc. And I still made her feel like $hit about the handful of things she missed. The grass is always greener. And also sexism starts very young. My dad did so much less for me (and despite a “fulltime” job worked fewer hours than my mom, who worked a lot after I was in bed) and I never gave him any grief.
Anonymous says
I don’t think it’s always sexism. I didn’t prefer being around my mom because of sexism; it was because my dad was a terrible person.
Anon says
I didn’t say it’s always just about sexism, but kids absorb our society’s sexist views at a shockingly young age. From early elementary, I definitely had much higher expectations for my mom than my dad and sexism was a part of that.
Anonymous says
I need to know what your mom did for a living! Sign me up :)
Anonymous says
I have this job, and honestly, DH and I talk a lot about how to make sure he is just as involved. We have 3 girls and I am trying hard to make sure they know the only reason my job is so cushy/flexible is because I busted my ass for 10 years between college and when they were born.
Anonymous says
This right here. They always want want they don’t have. And if you explain “Mommy and Daddy both work and that’s why we get to take ski trips,” they can always point to some friend who has a SAHM and a better house and twice as many ski trips plus a yearly overseas vacation.
Mary Moo Cow says
Ooof. I had this a few months ago, after I had to go back into the office after two years of teleworking. My oldest realized her aunt doesn’t work, so why was I going back to an office? I don’t have any real advice, other than to give it time. My daughter’s phase lasted a few months, and slowly petered out. I just reiterated that I worked because I earned money that let us live in this nice house, buy junk at Target, etc.. Surprisingly, she didn’t care about health insurance and retirement, so I focused on the toys. I couldn’t lie and say that work fulfilled me. But if it does for you, why not say that, too?
I love his idea of being shipped to Portugal. Maybe he could draw that and you could take it with you when you travel?
NOVA Anon says
I will be following with great interest. We have a nanny and my 7 yo just told me yesterday he is “embarrassed” to go to the park with and be dropped off at dance by our nanny when all the other kids are there with their parents or their grandparents. He said he is not sure why it embarrasses him, but it does. It made me really upset and I didn’t have a good script — and still don’t. I don’t want to say some version of “I work so we can have nice things, nice schools, etc.” b/c that isn’t the whole answer, though it’s a big part of it — I also work because I want to and I’m good at my job, but I would work so much less or differently if money were no object, or we could chose to live in a LCOL area near our relatives, etc. Anyway…very interested in hearing what others say.
Anonymous says
I think it’s good to tell a 7 year old that you work because you like it. And that your spouse, presuming you’re in a hetero marriage also works because he likes it.
Anonymous says
Not the poster above, but I do not like working. I am not going to lie.
Anonymous says
Yes but I was responding to someone who said she did. I’m not suggesting anyone lie.
FVNC says
Aw, sorry for the guilt trip! But yay for school otherwise going well! My 5 yr old is three days into kinder and has already started objecting to the before-care as well (in his defense, it’s at a different school, so there are some complicated logistics. But not that complicated.)
I straight up tell my kids that I work because that’s how we afford our house and all their fun activities and vacations. I only make slightly more than my husband but we would lead a pretty different life if we lived on one salary. I’ve been saying that for years. Not saying this is a good approach or the right approach, but it shuts down the conversation which for now, is my goal.
HSAL says
The saltiness of my oldest stems from the fact that I didn’t quit my job until she went to K, so I’m home with her younger siblings more. Kids will always find something.
Mainly I wanted to comment that I LOVE the phrase wraparound care. So much better than before/aftercare.
GCA says
Ha. Kids will always find something. As a kid I was salty that my working parents turned up to exactly two parent-teacher conferences from K-12 — the first and the last. (‘You were doing fine in school, so we had no concerns’ – it was the 90s!) Meanwhile I’m sure my peers were quaking in their boots each time their parents showed up for conferences.
Lacey says
“Every family is different.” “I have to work.” “That’s just how our family is.” I’m not sure this is something that needs to be explained with a script. I feel like it’s mom-guilt that’s even making this something you feel like you have to explain or that you care about his feeling salty about. My kids are also salty when I tell them to brush their teeth and go to bed, but they have to do it and that’s it.
Anon says
My 5yo (older 5). We cannot seem to get him night trained. He is an incredibly deep sleeper (like he never wakes up if you move him from the car to bed). On nights he’s super tired, he often wets the bed. If he’s well-rested, he can hold it until morning. The problem is that once he starts wetting, he wakes up which ruins his sleep which keeps him wetting which means he’s more tired and on and on.
We do have him go to the bathroom before bed. We do not restrict liquids in the evening (it makes me uncomfortable to deny water but I am open to people’s thoughts). Is it just a matter of waiting? The Ped said if he woke up dry most days, then to stop using a diaper, which we did. But then he was overtired and had an accident (like a week ago) and I have been washing sheets every day since (and he’s still overtired).
I don’t have a big problem with waiting if he just needs to mature more, but I welcome anecdotes!
Cb says
If he’s a super deep sleeper, could you have him do a sleep wee? Get him up and have him go?
Anon says
My understanding is that some children, boys in particular, do not get to a point where they can consistently stay dry overnight until they are close to 8. My son only recently was able to stay dry overnight. We had him use the overnight pull-up underwear things until a few months ago. He’s 7.5 and now can wake up at night if he needs to use the bathroom. Our pediatrician said that if either he or we wanted this issue solved, we could use any of the various alarms that you can find online to help him learn to wake up if he needs to use the bathroom, and our friends used one with great success — but that’s because their son decided on his own it was time. We never really saw the rush to do it, so we just waited it out.
AwayEmily says
I say wait. Mine is a super deep sleeper and started waking up dry at 5.5. My neighbors’ kids used pull-ups til 6 and 7, respectively (and they are child psychologists!).
AwayEmily says
The parents, not the kids.
Anonymous says
Go back to pull-ups until he can keep them dry all night.
Anon says
My newly 5YO is night trained and has been for a good 2 years. But on nights she is super tired, she still runs the risk of an accident. If it is every night (ours is not that frequent), I would try something like a heavier pull-up (like goodnights) until he gets reset and can stay dry for a week or two. Once you are stable again, here are some things that help my sanity. I have a 3×5 sized woven bed pad that goes on the bed on top of her sheets (the top is a flat cotton weave; the underside is waterproof tightly woven polyester) that she sleeps on so at least I am less likely to have to change the sheets (I can just toss the pad in the washer with her clothes). We don’t restrict beverages, but we don’t offer up extras either in the evening and only offer a small cup of water with bed, usually less than half full. Potty is the very last thing she does before she goes to bed (even if she just went 20 minutes earlier before her bath and storytime), and if she fights sleep for more than 30 minutes, we make her get up and go again. Also, any time she wakes in the middle of the night (which, sigh, is still most nights between 2AM and 4AM) she has to go potty again before she can crawl in with us or sleep in the sleeping bag on the floor of our room.
Anonymous says
In that situation we just stayed in night pull ups a while longer and started taking him to pee in his sleep at like 11 pm, when he was still sound asleep. Otherwise he’d pee in the early morning hours when less deeply asleep and be up for the rest of the night.
Chl says
You can wait a while but my two boys were deep sleepers and they never got there on their own. We used a Thera-pee alarm when they were about 7 and after about 2 weeks they were never wet again.
EDAnon says
Did you do the whole Thera-pee system or just the alarm?
Chl says
Just the alarm.
Anon says
My childcare ended quarantine rules! We are free! My kids have been home at least one week per month since January due to quarantine. Earlier this month, it was 18 days since my husband had Covid.
No question. Just celebration! Yay!
Anon says
Hooray! Our daycare did that this spring and it’s really wonderful. I am Covid cautious, but kids need to be in school and I don’t see much point in quarantining for every known exposure because I feel like for every known exposure there are dozens of unknown ones. We’re all exposed every time we leave the house at this point.
Anonymous says
I am probably the most COVID-cautious person here and agree that quarantining is silly for most types of known exposures outside the home is silly because we are all probably exposed every time we leave the house. I do think there still needs to be quarantine when a household member is infected. I don’t know what to think about day care and K-12 school exposures, though, since those are a lot more like household exposures than passing exposures in a grocery store or restaurant. If a kid has spent the whole day unmasked in a small, poorly ventilated classroom with an unmasked infected person, that’s a pretty high-risk exposure that might warrant quarantine. For K-12 I think the real answer is continued masking with outdoor lunch, but that’s not practical for preschool kids who still nap and eat in the classroom.
Anon says
Eh I don’t know. My husband got Covid from presumably incidental airport contact while traveling and wearing a KN95 and eye protection. My kid and I did not get it, despite having a high risk household exposure. My preschooler has had at least half a dozen school exposures now (some high risk, some lower risk) without getting it (several were even before she was vaccinated). The duration and closeness of an exposure isn’t irrelevant, but it also depends hugely on the individuals involved and since there’s no good way to quantify that, I don’t think school exposures should be treated differently than exposure while traveling or running errands or eating indoors, all of which carry risk. I’m not opposed to test-to-stay if a school can absorb the cost, but quarantining a child for a week or more whenever a classmate or teacher tests positive is really detrimental to their education.
Anonymous says
Ours did last week on the same day we found out kiddo had been exposed, but this is all pending updated “official” guidance from the health department, so I’m not getting my hopes up just yet. We just had to send in a negative rapid test on day 6, but as long as she was asymptomatic, she could continue to go. It was amazing!
Anonymous says
My three year old has started scratching me when he’s mad (usually when I suggest something he doesn’t want to do, like start the bedtime routine or go to the potty). We’ve talked about how we don’t scratch and use our words, scratching hurts people, and we’ve said he can scratch a pillow if he wants to get his anger out, but he’s still scratching in the moment. Any tips?
Anonymous says
In these situations I use my very loud startling yell to say “Ouch! That hurts! No!”
Anon says
Most effective for me with physical behaviors was to calmly say no, I don’t like it or that hurts mommy, and get up and physically leave the space for a few minutes to allow a reset. Mine is a barnacle kid, so me physically removing myself from the environment stopped unwanted behavior (in her case it was climbing all over me and pulling on me, which sounds benign until you have a then 40 pound very strong toddler trying to stand on your shoulders or dislocate a shoulder pulling) pretty quickly.
anon says
The fast way to get rid of it: figure out whatever consequence has leverage here and deploy it consistently without fail (parent leaves immediately, all play stops for x minutes, x thing goes away for a few minutes, etc.). It will be most effective if the consequence is tied to the scratching — like it’s that you take away the toy that he was so excited to be playing with that he doesn’t want to stop. There will be a lot of screaming. If he’s the sort to lean in, it might escalate into a deeper power struggle, but it is likely to resolve if you are consistent.
The slower way that supposedly teaches him more and deepens your relationship: Be extremely watchful at the times you expect scratching to happen. Catch his hands the second the motion starts and say firmly but calmly, even if you have to be loud, “I won’t let you scratch me.” Repeat when he immediately tries again. Repeat on each successive day for several weeks. Talk about it a lot in calmer moments and get his input on what would help him not scratch. Implement whatever ideas he has, even if they seem silly, you might be surprised what works. Frame it to him and yourself as you “helping” him not to do this thing that his little brain can’t stop him from doing when he gets upset.
No shade on which method you choose. They’ve both worked for me for different behaviors.
Anon says
My 3 year old daughter usually goes the hitting or pinching route. What works best for me is the script from Daniel Tiger “It’s ok to be upset, but it’s not ok to hurt someone.” (Side note- I’d recommend that episode!) Then I often give alternatives like, you can go bang on your drum, hit the couch, stomp the floor, etc. When that doesn’t get through, I look my daughter in the eye and say as genuinely as I can, “I know you love me. I know you don’t want to hurt me, but that hurts.” That usually gets through, but if she truly cannot be reasoned with, I simply say “I’m not going to let you hit me” and then gently restrain her from doing so.
This phase has been getting better as she gets closer to turning 4!
Cb says
In addition to my cathartic vent above (I need more IRL working mom friends), a parenting pro tip. I bought my son a spedometer for his bike after he was jealous of my Garmin.
A few days in, it has shaved 5 minutes off our cycling commute as he tries to break the land speed record on the straight bits. He’s also realised that if he’s at 11 mph on the approach to the “big old bridge” ( a steep 500 year old pedestrian bridge), he’ll make it up without having to push. He maxes out at 13mph, and his response was “we’re going to need to find a bigger hill!”
anonM says
This is SO cute! How old is he? I love how he is thriving off a good challenge.
Cb says
Just turned 5! We swapped his 14 inch bike for an 18 inch and he got much faster immediately. It’s a mix of cycle network and roads, so we have a lot of safety talks and I feel pretty confident in his response time, spatial awareness. Less so of the drivers, I was solo today and got close passed and need to work on my insults, not sure anyone has used the phrase dumb butt since 1996.
Anon says
Aww good for him. I’m impressed!
Isabella says
Tell me all your advice and ideas to get out the other side of a sleep regression please! At 4 mo, he would sleep 8pm to 5am with one wake-up, but for about 6 weeks since then, it’s gotten worse and worse. Now we’re up literally half the night–alternating 2 hours of sleep (max) with an hour or 2 of whining or crying. Peds confirmed he is perfectly healthy. The only safe sleep location is a packandplay in our room, although I’m looking for other options.
Cb says
Oof, that phase was awful. My husband would use the buggy (City Mini with a bassinet on it) and push him around the neighbourhood, and then wheel him in to sleep for a few hours. Not sure it really worked but I could at least get some sleep while they were out.
anonM says
I don’t have great advice because I found trying to “figure out” baby sleep to be elusive. But, are you confident baby is not hungry at all? You’re close to 6 months, right? When we started solids, we would do peanut butter and yogurt for “dinner” and eventually started doing a formula bottle at night. If you’ve ruled that out, though, I don’t have much other advice besides commiseration! I did find with both kids a change in sleep at 6 mo, 8mo, and 1 year and felt sleep improved around those times. So good luck!!
Isabella says
I’m not at all confident about hunger! I am so confused by the conflicting info about not nursing him to sleep, not letting him reverse-cycle, etc. His eating has been all over the place since we started solids, but his growth is still on track so I’m trying not to stress about the different theories.
anonM says
I feel you there!! Maybe try a formula bottle “dream” feed before you go to bed and see if it gets you a longer stretch of rest. Even 4 hours in a stretch can make such a difference in how you feel! (I know everyone has different thoughts/feelings on this, but when you are exhausted some things are worth considering at least!)
AwayEmily says
Sleep training. I highly recommend the book The Good Sleeper by Janet Kennedy; it gives various options depending on your comfort level with full CIO.
I very much know it does not work for all families or kids but if it’s helpful to hear, we did full CIO with all three kids at 10 weeks (with our pediatrician’s blessing) and while now (at 6 months, 4.5, and 6.5) they vary in their sleep needs and sleep quality, it is rare that anyone wakes up in the middle of the night, and this has been the case since they were babies (I will note that none of them were genius sleepers prior to sleep training, and we also practice pretty good sleep hygiene more generally — consistent bedtimes, blackout curtains, etc — which I’m sure contributes as well).
Isabella says
Thanks, maybe I will look for that book. Our pediatricians recommended that it sounds like he’s ready for CIO, but DH and I are not succeeding with it. I think we need to communicate more about the specifics, and also maybe set up a little more flexibility about who sleeps where.
AwayEmily says
It’s hard. You have to be really, really consistent in order for it to work. For us it was psychologically easier to do the thing where we shut the door at 7:30 and didn’t come back until 6am the next morning — I don’t think I could have handled the “checking” method. But friend/relatives have used lots of less draconian approaches that have worked just as well (albeit not quite as quickly). Really depends on what makes sense for you and your husband! (though I agree it’s definitely impossible to do if you are in the same room with the baby).
TheElms says
I’m a fan of the CIO method with no checks for this reason. Just waiting for kiddo not to be teething (why does my kid already have 2 teeth and more coming!) and not to be sick to do it.
TheElms says
How does your kid fall asleep for bedtime? If you are still feeding to sleep or rocking to sleep that likely isn’t helping. After 4 months babies have a circadian rhythm like an adult and they wake up periodically during the night. Adults don’t notice/remember for the most part because we put ourselves right back to sleep. Babies have to learn that skill. If your baby can’t put themselves back to sleep independently they are going to need you when they wake up periodically in the night. The more practice they get putting themselves to sleep (at bedtime usually) the greater the chance they will be able to put themselves to sleep when they wake up in the night. Its a tough skill to learn and takes lots of practice and some babies are just better at it. My eldest got it super fast and is a fantastic sleeper (now 3). My 6 month old, is still very much learning.
An.On. says
If he’s crying, is he teething? And if so, would tylenol help? We did some version of CIO at that age but our kid’s not one of those cry all night worst case scenarios you hear about.
startup lawyer says
For us, at that age, we moved him out to his own space and he slept much better. I guess he doesn’t see parents right away and goes back to sleep.
also, as others have said, practice having him fall asleep independently (drowsy but awake). I personally did that more during the day because I didn’t want to deal the delicate dance of rocking just enough but not too much at night.
starting a routine around then helps a lot – so bath or wipe down, quick massage, diaper change, and jammies and a bottle of milk and a song before bed. I feel like even babies need the wind down so the routine helps ease them in.
Anon says
Any introverted moms here with busy, extroverted kids? What are your tips?
We’re emerging from two years of baby/toddlerhood followed by two+ years of Covid into a post(ish) pandemic world with an extremely energetic, social only child 4.5 year old. We’re still under-scheduled compared to a lot of families, I think, but in the last couple of months, we’ve added a weekly Sunday morning activity, occasional Saturday activities and near weekly play dates with school friends to our existing schedule of daycare, two full-time jobs, a fair amount of family travel and local family we see often. It’s been absolutely amazing for my kid and it’s wonderful to see her thriving, but I am sooo exhausted.
startup lawyer says
Is there a local playground? We just bring him there where all his friends congregate at set times and we just sit back mostly.
Anon says
I only schedule required activities on one weekend day and keep weekday activities to a minimum. We can choose to spontaneously do things on the other weekend day, but there needs to be one day where we (I) can just veg at home all day if needed. And if we have been traveling a lot, we schedule a stay at home weekend and don’t leave the house for two days. If you can swing drop-off playdates with some of these friends, you can preserve half the time with silence and I expect the other half where they are at your home will not be doubly draining. Also, I think you have a short runway assuming your kid will start K next year. We have full-day K here, and with longer bus schedules due to the driver shortage, my kid is gone from 8:30-5 (a working parent’s dream, I know) and as extroverted as she is, when she gets home she just wants to silently play with her toys or watch her tablet and my introverted self is rejoicing in the cessation of constant chatter and poking. It’s a lot harder than all day daycare was for her.
Anonymous says
Weekly playdates with school friends seem excessive, since preschool is basically a play date all day every day. I agree with the poster above that park meetups are much less exhausting than playdates at home. I would also start trying to figure out what sports she likes, with an eye towards getting her into more serious classes/practices where you can drop her off and leave for 1.5 – 2 hours around age 5 or 6.
GCA says
Yes! I am an early-rising dedicated introvert with an extroverted, early-rising and high-energy 7yo. It’s an extra bit of work but you absolutely have to fill your own cup first — if I get a good run in early in the morning, that inoculates me against the day’s barrage of activities. At age 4.5 we often did the playground thing where he would go off and play with all the other kids on the local playground. As he got older we also did things that we (parents) were interested in — like board games and dinner with a neighbor family. My kids are 7 and 4, so I rarely get a chance to just sit on the couch with a book and read without being interrupted, but I know it’s coming…
Anonymous says
I also have a 7 and 4 and suddenly seeing many more opportunities to read on the couch while they play together but….. THE NOISE!!!!!!! So hard for an introvert like me with a job that is 9+ hours of meetings a day to have that much noise on the weekends!!
GCA says
I feel you, and I also could not read this without thinking of the Grinch: The noise! Oh the noise! Oh, the noise noise noise noise!!
Anon says
I didn’t really understand the Grinch’s perspective until I had a kid…
Anonymous says
As an introvert, I think having a weekly cleaning service would make me a LOT less stressed out about spending lots of time socializing for two reasons: 1) It would give me some downtime to recover by myself and 2) I wouldn’t always be under time pressure to get the house clean for company and wouldn’t be stressed out by being embarrassed of my messy house.
Lacey says
Focus on kid activities where you can sit back and watch/scroll phone/read a book. As others have said, taking kids to the playground fits the bill perfectly. Anything where you can sit on a bench in the corner while your little one plays. Of course playdates are exhausting if you have to chat with the other parent the whole time. Your kid may be a bit young for this, but start thinking about whether you can invite just your child’s friend over for a playdate, rather than having the parents involved. Then the kids can entertain each other but you don’t have to be involved.
Fallen says
This is us. Both super introverted and 9yo daughter is Ms social butterfly. She gives out my number to everyone she meets who she wants to invite over. I have people texting me constantly trying to arrange playdates. We just moved last year she had every girl in her class over already.
A couple thoughts:
1. It gets so much better as they get older because they become more independent / play dates are drop off. So I have kids over or drop her over and get alone time.
2. She has activities almost every evening of the week and fully booked saturdays. I just bring a book or take my younger son to a playground during if I don’t feel like talking to other parents.
anon says
The daycare germs are killing us! We spent most of August with a viral infection- first husband, then baby, then me. And now I get a call from daycare that baby has a fever. She just was sick three weeks ago! It’s been a cold every four weeks or so since she started in May. Is this normal?!?
Anonymous says
Unfortunately, yes.
Anonymous says
Our ped said two illnesses a month was normal.
An.On. says
Yes. but it really dropped off after we hit the six month mark in daycare. Probably will pick back up again over the winter flu season though.
Anon says
Yes, unfortunately. It used to be more seasonal (my kid started in June and didn’t get sick until September) but Covid has messed with normal virus seasonality patterns.
TheElms says
Sadly yes. If baby is only getting sick once every 4 weeks I think you are doing well. When my first started daycare it was every 2 weeks and then Covid happened so we never got over/through it.
Aunt Jamesina says
My husband dared to mention last week that our eight month old hadn’t gotten sick in awhile. Which obviously summoned the wrath of the germ gods and now she has an awful cold. It feels like it’s constant!
Anon says
We are planning a long-haul (Southeast Asian major city) trip in the fall for a family wedding. Kids will be newly 5 and almost 2. We will be in and out of various transport (family cars, Ubers), mostly in very dense city traffic with very old roads. Location is lax about child safety/car seats (lots of kids on laps, motorbikes, etc.) but I am not okay with it – I guess my US traits showing ;)
Plan is to purchase a carseat from destination for almost 2-yo (I’ve already found one, and it can be delivered to family; I’ll just have to watch a few videos on install beforehand but it seems similar to what we do in the US). For 5 yo – debating between travel backless booster (not inflatable) and one of the safe rides vests. 5 yo is on the taller side, currently in a regular 5-pt harness at home. Any thoughts/suggestions/experience?
Anon says
I’m less of a stickler for car seat safety than some here, but we switched to a backless booster for travel the day my kid turned 4. She met the height and weight limits and our ped was fine with it. She’s still in a five point harness at home.
I would bring the Cosco Scenera Next with you for the 2 year old and practice installation before you leave. You can gate check it if you don’t want it on the plane. I wouldn’t want to have to deal with learning a new car seat install in a foreign country, plus what if the seat arrives damaged or doesn’t meet US safety standards?
Anon says
We have a Scenera next but I don’t know if it’ll meet the standards there (the seats used there do meet some EU standards from what I’ve researched) or work in multiple cars the way it does here, whereas a seat I buy there will transfer in cars of that country.
Good to know regarding the backless booster! That will definitely simplify things.
OP says
OMG – I should hug you. Turns out the Scenera IS sold in our destination – I’ll just need to buy one of those clippy things from Cosco as the belts are different. I’ll buy one of those carseat carriers so it can be our “stroller” – the airline we’re looking at requires <2s to be in a carseat if they have their own seat.
GCA says
We’ve used a RideSafer travel vest for big kid since about age 4.5 and it was very easy to use as you install it on the child rather than in the vehicle. Also, to assuage your worries a tiny bit – very dense traffic in Jakarta, Bangkok or Hanoi, say, can be quite slow if you’re in a car. Other than the ride from the airport, you probably won’t be going at US highway speeds.
Anon says
We have used that vest too on our big kid since around 3 for travel and in our third car (she’s newly 5 and in a high back booster since 4.5 since she maxed out the weight restrictions on harness seats). Her biggest complaint about it is she can’t do it herself (like she can with the booster), but if your kid is in 5 point harness still you won’t have that battle! I really liked the tether on it (before she passed the weight limit on that) to give me added comfort that kiddo wasn’t going anywhere.
Anon says
my 4 year old twins are in a major mommy phase, which i think is hurting DH’s feelings, though on the flip side while DH is a very hands on dad and is great with them, he is struggling a bit more in this preschool phase where a lot of the parenting involves a lot of patience/emotional labor, rather than when they were more babies/toddlers and it was more physical labor. does anyone have any ideas for a reset, or how to help them feel more connected to DH or to at least not protest every single time he does something with them
Anonymous says
Unrelated: my 18 m/o twins are also in a mommy phase rn. Their older sibling did this around 4 and really hurt DH’s feelings because he was the primary caregiver while I worked long hours. What helped: talk about it with your spouse. Let him have hurt feelings and validate them. It’s unfair but it’s part of life. I encouraged them to do stuff together: get ice cream, go for a bike ride, go fishing, whatever they’re into. I know this is hard with twins but can you encourage one on one time with dad? Even when kiddo protested I made him do it. I also leaned into the “I want mommy” with “I understand you want me to drop you off at day care. I have a work meeting. Dad will drop you off today and I will pick you up.” It will pass eventually.
Anonymous says
Our twins loved doing outside stuff with their dad at that age – helping in the garden, going to the grocery store, going on hikes. I was more the floor/creative play parent.
Anonymous says
Thank you for this post and I’m following- my 4 year old “hates Daddy” and only wants me right now snd it is hard!!! My husband has been the primary at home parent all summer (aka the primary enforcer of rules all day) which I think contributes.
Nannies says
I’ve never had a nanny before and could use some help navigating this. We have a 14-month old (very easy-going for a toddler) and our nanny is in her mid-sixties. She’s incredibly experienced and fantastic with the kid (and he adores her). Having her around helps with my ongoing postpartum anxiety because I really trust her with the kid. She’s very present and safety-conscious. She’s also much cheaper than the going rate for a nanny in our area.
English is a second language for both of us, and I think we have some communication difficulties. She told me today she feels overwhelmed – there are too many toys, it’s too messy. We moved into this house a few months ago and while the living areas are unpacked, we’re a bit disorganized right now. I am solo with the toddler in the mornings and early evening, so when she arrives it’s a bit chaotic because we will just have finished breakfast (but I can’t clean up while I am solo with the toddler – he’s in the cruising/falling over stage so I need to spot him). She usually takes the kid when she arrives and I start cleaning up. I don’t know how to make life easier on her, and in a way, I don’t know that I should. Life can be chaotic with a toddler! We’re really doing the best that we can but with so much solo parenting (plus an aging, somewhat incontinent dog), it’s hard! She also told me I’m not doing a good job keeping him from bonking his head. I really try my best but sometimes he does fall. So she makes me feel pretty bad about myself. In theory I can see that she is maybe not the best fit for our family, but see above – I really, really trust her and don’t want to let her go. She just seems unhappy and I’ve asked her how we can make sure she’s happy, but we definitely have some communication difficulties. I’m a biglaw partner and the main breadwinner plus the main caretaker of the kid outside of the nanny’s hour (yeah it’s not ideal), so I’m really at my wit’s end.
Anonymous says
The day should start out with the toy area tidy, then the nanny should be keeping it picked up throughout the day. If that’s too much, perhaps there are too many toys accessible. Can you work with the nanny to select just a few toys to keep out, then pack the rest away and rotate periodically?
I don’t think I’d be comfortable with a nanny who took it upon herself to critique my parenting and housekeeping on a regular basis, though. Are there cultural issues at play here in addition to language?
OP says
Probably some cultural issues. And she is older and likes things a certain way. And while in theory I would love a super tidy and minimalist house, being an overwhelmed biglaw partner with an SO who is gone long days, it’s just not realistic. We could definitely spend some time each evening picking up toys and put some away though.
I’m trying to let her other criticism of me just bounce off me, because she is so great and trustworthy with the kid, and it was so hard to find a nanny. I just keep reminding myself that this isn’t about me, it’s about my kid having a good caretaker during the day.
CCLA says
Hi from a fellow biglaw partner who for reasons also tends to be the primary parent – not many of us out there I don’t think [waves], and I’m primarily here to say while I hate this for us, it’s nice to know you’re not alone in the struggle. Gentle reminder that it’s not only about the kid having a good caretaker, it’s also about setting the whole family – including you – up for success. Obviously safe kid is top priority, so I’m not saying show her the door tomorrow, but just keep in mind as you feel out future interactions that your needs matter too! Whoa do I hear you on it being hard to find the right match for help though, and it’s so much work to hire someone new. And even with biglaw money, if you’re a relatively young partner in a VHCOL city, you’re probably not swimming in cash. Solidarity and good luck to you.
Nannies OP says
Thank you! Waving back at you in solidarity.
Anon says
A few things (for context, we hired our first nanny when our now-22 month old was 4.5 months, and she’s been with us since then. I’m an SVP at a F-500 and am full-time remote, so we’re in and out of each other’s space all day):
1) A good friend (who has had a series of au pairs, very successfully) told me that a match in communication style between the caregiver and the parents (and primarily, the parent who will primarily be interfacing with the caregiver, which is typically mom) is absolutely KEY. I have found this to be true. Our styles align very well but it could easily be challenging if they didn’t.
2) If she thinks the toys are messy, she should organize them. Her job is to take care of the kid and kid stuff. Seems like a perfect thing to do during naptime.
3) You didn’t ask for advice, but I tend to tidy up morning dishes/unload dishwasher/etc. while my daughter is in her high-chair having breakfast. Two birds, one stone. She can also go in the play yard for 10 minutes if I need to vacuum without a “helper”.
4) I’m also the breadwinner plus main caretaker outside of the nanny’s hours and I love it. I designed my life this way on purpose. If that isn’t ideal for you, then that should be a conversation with your husband, because you deserve to be happy with your set-up.
Anon says
i like all of these points. i would also ask if the house being disorganized following the move is something that is bothering you? like i think it is weird for her to be commenting on that in the first place, but if it’s a stress for you (i am the type of person who feels overwhelmed when there is stuff everywhere), could you throw money at the problem and hire an organizer or have the nanny work some extra hours so you can unpack? (if you don’t care about this part, feel free to ignore the suggestion). also – what does she do while kiddo is napping? she should be cleaning up toys, she could even be cleaning up breakfast! is the house childproofed? our nanny feeds my twins breakfast and depending on the day, would either clean everything up right away, or get it clean enough as to not have food sitting out, put put dishes in the sink to tidy during nap time
Anonymous says
Give her free rein to organize the toy/play area how she thinks is best. Offer to order tubs to store extra toys. Most people I know don’t have all toys out all the time, some are in storage in the basement and rotated as needed.
If you trust her, trust her to set up a good play space for your child. This may also help with bonking if there are less places to bonk himself on. Does she recommend baby gates? Can you give her an amount on an amazon card and have her order what she needs? You have a lot on your plate – download this to her.
anonM says
+1. You always want some area you can leave a toddler pretty safely. Get some foam tiles and baby gate (and give yourself a few mintues to load dishwasher/use the bathroom/just sit!).
GCA says
You mention that your spouse is gone for long days – if you and spouse are both high earners, is there budget for nanny plus housekeeper? If you find yourself solo parenting a lot, you may need to throw money at the things that are just too much right now so that you can focus on your priorities (kid plus work, essentially). And/ or she can do some basic toy-tidying at naptime.
On her critique of your housekeeping and parenting – I would probably let this go if she’s an A+ nanny otherwise. Think of it as having a bonus grandma? (I’m Asian…)
Chl says
Agreed. I think a single caregiver and two big jobs may not be enough.
Anon says
Yeah it’s hard to hear criticism because it’s unexpected and you’re already trying so hard, but she probably spoke up because she cares and she believes these are requests that are reasonable and can be accommodated, not trying to imply that you are a bad person or failing in some way. I think older women tend to feel it’s their job to share concerns and advice rather than to people please. Think of it as her being conscientious.
Anonymous says
Hire a weekly cleaning lady, pay her to unpack, and get your house in order. Honestly seems like there is no communication gap. She’s stressed in a messy cluttered home and you haven’t even unpacked. So maybe just do that!
anon says
If you’re Biglaw then you can throw money at the problem. There needs to be a safe spot for the kid to cruise where he doesn’t need to be spotted. Get a thick rug pad or foam mat. Use baby gates or a play fence. Put the kid in the safe spot when they are done eating and he wants to cruise. You shouldn’t be spending your time following the kid around spotting.
When I was Biglaw we also had the nanny overlap with me for an hour in the morning so I could get ready without having to totally multitask with the baby. You could consider having her come earlier so she can help clean up from breakfast while you get a few minutes of quality baby time or so you can get ready or triage emails in peace–whatever you need that day.
When we had a nanny we always made sure the “baby” areas were cleaned up and tidy. The nanny had a safe spot to be with the baby where there wasn’t clutter. We focused on his room, the playroom, and the kitchen. We always always left these spaces for her clean each morning and she left them for us clean each evening. The rest of the house (e.g., our room and spare rooms) were not kept to nearly the same standard. If there’s clutter in the “baby” spaces where she works, I’d move the clutter to a different location. Just stuff it in a bin and put it elsewhere until you can get to it.
Biking says
How do you teach a kid to bike? My daughter is 5 and somehow we haven’t done this. She’s fine on her bike with training wheels but wants them off like some friends, and I’m not sure how to teach or transition.
anon says
https://www.bgindy.com/articles/teach-your-kids-to-ride-in-one-easy-lesson-pg470.htm
This is how we did it in about an hour and a half from a kid who could easily ride a bike with training wheels. Moderate slope + feet dragging, then one foot on a pedal, then both feet on pedals (but not pedaling), then pedaling, then steering, then braking.
It was very straightfoward!
AwayEmily says
Thanks for this! Gonna try to finally teach my 6yo before school starts in two weeks.
Anon says
We haven’t done this yet, but I taught my younger sister many, many years ago. To start, raise the height on the training wheels if you can so that they are only there for big wobbles, not little wobbles (i.e., if she is balanced, the wheels aren’t really touching the ground). Once she is good with that, put on all the pads (for her), make sure you are in an area with soft-ish landing areas, and then you run with her pedaling, holding on and then let go and let her pedal (until she crashes). With my sister at then 6 (she’s now turning 30), it took an entire afternoon but eventually clicked.
anonM says
I was very skeptical of balance bikes, but I think it is what helped my 4.5yo. He got really good at it (went on a slight downhill pretty fast/far while balancing/feet up), so we took off the training wheels on his regular bike and he rode right away, telling us “this feels like my balance bike!” So, now I’m a convert. Mind you, I got it for $5 at a garage sale, but tbh now I’d say it might be worth it if your kiddo isn’t getting the balance concept.
Anonymous says
My oldest picked it up from neighbor kids around age 5. My youngest demanded we take her training wheels off at age 4 and she never looked back. My middle….was over 6 when she learned. She’s a nervous sort. We tried and tried and she was just too anxious. What finally did it was riding a motorbike toy around at a party. She got the balance/leaning aspect of it, Sat herself on her bike and was all good. After 1.5 years of torture ;).
So my answer is a balance bike if your kiddo is struggling.
Alanna of Trebond says
Don’t do what my parents did: Took my training wheels off at age 5 and I never biked again. I learned to bike in college when I was 19. I am still working on becoming a competent biker! (My sister never learned too!).