This post may contain affiliate links and CorporetteMoms may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
I love this necklace for its modern update on pearls. Maybe it’s that I came of age when wearing pearls was the utmost in sophistication and being a grown-up, but I still do have a soft spot for them. This is a small, single freshwater pearl on a rose gold plated chain. I like that it still has a conservative element but the rose gold and single pearl make it modern. I also really like the length — the pearl sits at the hollow of your neck. I see it being paired with a collared button-down for a preppy look. The necklace is $49 at Shopbop. Freshwater Culture Pearl Necklace This post contains affiliate links and CorporetteMoms may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!Sales of note for 4.18.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 50% off full-price dresses, jackets & shoes; $30 off pants & skirts; extra 50% off sale styles
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything; extra 20% off purchase
- Eloquii – 50% off select styles; 60% off swim; up to 40% off everything else
- J.Crew – Mid-Season Sale: Extra 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off spring-to-summer styles
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Spring Mid-Season Sale: Up to 50% off 100s of styles
- Nordstrom: Free 2-day shipping for a limited time (eligible items)
- Talbots – Spring Sale: 40% off + extra 15% off all markdowns; 30% off new T by Talbots
- Zappos – 29,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Up to 70% off baby items; 50% off toddler & kid deals & 40% off everything else
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off spring faves; 25% off new arrivals; up to 30% off spring
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Up to 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off kids’ spring-to-summer styles
- Old Navy – 30% off your purchase; up to 75% off clearance
- Target – Car Seat Trade-In Event (ends 4/27); BOGO 25% off select skincare products; up to 40% off indoor furniture; up to 20% off laptops & printers
See some of our latest articles on CorporetteMoms:
Click here to see our top posts!
And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Anon says
Convertible car seat recommendations?
Our baby is going to outgrow her infant car seat in the next few months. We live in a city and don’t have a car. We take Uber’s and taxis on occasion so looking for something that’s easy to install without a base, isn’t huge and is safe.
Cost isn’t an issue, willing to spend money on the right seat! Thanks so much
Lana Del Raygun says
Everything for sale in the US is safe afaik — car seats are like the formula of durable goods. I have the Cosco Scenera which I chose for cost but it’s lightweight and easy to install (no base).
shortperson says
check out the “car seat for the littles” facebook group to see what they recommend for frequent taxi use. the ladies there are experts.
rosie says
I second this rec. It’s what we use for travel and is nice and lightweight, pretty easy to do a belt install in a variety of cars. We have the Britax Marathon Clicktight in our car and I cannot imagine lugging it in and out of cabs.
Anonymous says
The Scenera Next is typically the most-recommended seat for this sort of situation. It’s super light and I find it very easy to seatbelt-install (the LATCH install is ahrder to tighten). No frills, but will fit most kids rear-facing until 3, unless they’re very tall.
Anon says
> “will fit most kids rear-facing until 3, unless they’re very tall”
I can’t imagine this is true – my daughter is tall but not crazy tall (~80th percentile) and she outgrew that seat rear-facing around 16 months.
Anonymous says
Huh, interesting. That’s what I’ve heard and my 60th percentile kids still fit at 2.5.
Anon says
Is your child tall? If so, you might want to consider Diono or Clek seats – I think those are the brands that work best with tall kids. We got a Britax Advocate, which has been great for comfort and ease of installation, but our tall, extremely long-torsoed DD will outgrow it rear-facing well before age 2. We’re struggling with whether to invest over $1000 in new car seats (we need 3) or turn her forward-facing before age 2 (which is not illegal in our state). I want to keep her safe but the idea that we wasted $1200 on our 3 Britax seats is a really tough pill to swallow.
rosie says
So I have a Britax seat as well and my child is w/in RF heigh limits at 2 but I’d like to RF longer based on safety research, so we’re looking at a new convertible seat as well…wishing I had considered this when we initially bought. Have you looked at Graco Extend2Fit? That seems a little cheaper. I’ll post a link to CSL as a reply if I can.
rosie says
There are 2 lower prices ones here, haven’t researched how they compare on height limits yet https://thecarseatlady.com/high-weight-height-rear-facing-seats/
anon says
We’re in the same boat and chose the Cosco Scenera Next, which is really the only convertible car seat I’ve seen that can reasonably be carried in and out of taxis. The downside is that kids do outgrow it early. At 2.5, my kid gets carsick RF and is about to outgrow the seat FF (because the shoulder straps have to be above their shoulders for FF, and the highest slot isn’t very high) even though she’s on the short/average side. It’s super frustrating, and I have no idea what we will do for taxis between now and booster seats.
Anon says
I live in an upscale subdivision in the Midwest, and I’m one of very few working moms in the neighborhood. This weekend at the pool, one of my neighbors mentioned that she went back to work 2 days a week. And she casually said, “I don’t want to work more than 2 days because I’ll miss so much.” I smiled and nodded, but my heart sank because I work 5 days a week with 2 young kids. I know she wasn’t saying this *at* me, but … sometimes things hurt.
And then this morning my boss came into my office to discuss an upcoming dinner, and he mentioned he follows the Pence rule. I was pretty diplomatic, but I pointed out that this excludes women from crucial networking opportunities. He considered what I said, we finished our conversation, and he left.
It’s hard to articulate, but this what keeps me going. If I wasn’t here, he would have never heard that other point of view. I know it sound silly but I feel like in some (very very) small way I’m paving the way for the women who will come after us.
AwayEmily says
YES! You are amazing for being brave enough to say something, and smart enough to do it in a way that didn’t get him defensive. Your kids are very very lucky to have you.
Anon says
Can you push back on the Pence rule more? It’s SO awful, and I hate that the VP is making it socially acceptable (it’s not – control yourself and give women the same work opportunities). I’d report it to HR if you’re in a medium or larger sized company.
Anon says
I don’t even understand what the Pence rule means in this context. Pence refuses to have dinner alone with women who aren’t his wife. But this sounds like a networking or client dinner, and even Pence wouldn’t leave a woman out of that kind of thing, even if all the other attendees are men. It just takes at least two men and one woman to make it ok with Pence (because you need a witness to prove the woman didn’t tempt her poor boss into bad behavior, I guess).
OP says
I think I handled it just fine.
Anonymous says
Agreed!! I think you did great.
Pogo says
Agreed, I mean holy ish if someone said that to me my jaw would hit the floor. It’s not really possible in my job to not have one on one dinners and car rides w/ men, or to be one woman in a group of men doing just about anything when travelling.
I’m impressed you managed to say anything and not just gape at the sheer obliviousness.
anon says
You’re a badass. (And I totally get it; I’m also in the Midwest. It feels like a freaking victory that I’ve been a full-time working mom for almost 10 years! I hope it sets an example for others.)
fwiw says
I’m very glad I had a working mother. She modeled having a family and her own, independent life. You may miss some things but your kids will benefit by your example.
Anon says
I know you know the part time mom wasn’t talking “at” you, but I just want to say as someone who works part time, that when people ask why I often say because I wouldn’t have enough time with my kids if I worked full time. What I mean – but don’t always articulate well – is that I personally wouldn’t feel like I had enough time with my kids if I worked more, not that anyone who works full-time isn’t spending enough time with their kids. I’m very aware that this is a very individual decision, and that lots of people have way more money than I do to throw at outsourcing chores, so someone who works more hours may spend just as many hours having quality time with their kids as I do.
anon says
I appreciate this POV, just realize that it may land differently than you intend it to — and it does sting on the receiving end, even if you know you’re doing what’s right for your family. You can choose to care about this, or not, just realize that it’s not a totally innocuous statement. I think there’s a subtle difference between saying, “I wanted more time at home with the kids” and “If I worked full-time, I wouldn’t have enough quality time with my kids.” One is about what *you* wanted, and the other sounds slightly judgmental of anyone spending their time again differently. Not trying to start a war here, just wanted to offer my perspective.
Anon says
I don’t think “If I worked full-time, I wouldn’t have enough quality time with my kids” is a judgment on anyone else. There are a lot of “I”s and “my”s in that statement, it’s clearly about what’s right for her.
Anonymous says
Yes, but. People say things like this all the time, and most don’t mean any harm in it. That doesn’t change the fact that the person on the receiving end might feel stung. I think that’s that anon at 10:08 was trying to say. “I’m happiest with the balance I get from part time work” sounds more like a personal preference than a generalization/statement of fact that full time work doesn’t leave room for enough family time.
AwayEmily says
+1. I talk with my kids a lot about this — when it comes to making people feel sad, it’s not about intent, it’s about how the other person feels. I ask my daughter to apologize if she hits her brother in the face with a stuffed animal while they are playing, even if it was totally unintentional. Similarly, if I say something that hurts someone (even if my intentions were totally benign) then I’m always glad to know about it so that I can do my best to not say it again (and this happens not infrequently — I am terrible about putting my foot in my mouth).
Eek says
I think this is also a know-your-audience thing. I don’t lecture SAHMs on the reasons I think working moms are important because it’s pretty impossible to do that without making it seem like I’m somehow passing judgment on their choices. But among working moms (like this board) we talk about it all the time.
Eek says
Also, I think if someone asks why someone else works part time, they’re inviting a candid discussion and can’t really be hurt if the response is “because I didn’t get enough time with my kids.”
Anon says
Right. I guess as someone who works part-time I feel a little judged when someone says “Why do you only work part-time?” I’m sure some people who ask think it’s great that I work part-time and are just curious about the logistics, but it’s usually phrased with an “only” and often it feels like the implication is “why aren’t you working full-time when you could be?” So yeah, the judging definitely goes both ways.
OP says
I didn’t ask FWIW. (I was also not offended)
Anon says
The commenter here was talking about how she responds when people ask why she works part time. So that’s where the asking part came in, not from your original post.
Sasha says
A better way to articulate it (that would sting less for moms who make a different choice) was, “I found working part time was the best balance for me in terms of working and also taking care of the kids and doing household stuff.” Making it about balance leaves open the possibility that others would balance differently — both full time working moms and full time stay at home moms and removes the “not enough time with kids if I worked FT” concept from your explanation
Boston Legal Eagle says
I have a lot of thoughts on this. One thing that jumped out is that one of the reasons I work (not the only one of course) is that so my husband doesn’t have to miss out on things with the kids. Why is it assumed that what’s “best” for the kids is just one parent who is around a lot and another who can’t because they have to work more to support the family? Honestly, I don’t like how much full time work requires of us here in the U.S. but leaving the workforce and having just people with at home spouses there will change nothing. Encouraging work life balance for ALL will.
I’m sorry you felt hurt by that comment – totally understandable, I would probably take it personally too. But just know that you rock and your kids are lucky to have you.
And also, following the Pence rule?? What the heck. I can’t imagine a boss ever saying that to me.
Pogo says
Your first paragraph x 1000.
A says
“Why is it assumed that what’s ‘best’ for the kids is just one parent who is around a lot and another who can’t because they have to work more to support the family?”
Thanks for sharing this perspective! That’s a helpful reframing, and something I will try to remember as I hear these comments in the future.
Anon says
Just to push back on your first paragraph a little bit, I think that’s kind of based on the 1950s model of stay-at-home mom/housewife who does everything while the father isn’t around much, which is not the balance most families with a stay at home parent have today. I know a lot of families with SAHMs and a few with SAHDs, in all but a couple of cases, the working parent is just as involved as any other working parent. The SAHP replaces daycare or a nanny as the weekday childcare, but doesn’t replace the working parent’s presence on evenings and weekends and for special events during the workday. And I know several dudes with wives who work full-time who are actually pretty checked out with respect to parenting, so I don’t think working full time is any kind of guarantee that your husband will be an involved dad.
Spirograph says
“I work… so my husband doesn’t have to miss out on things with the kids.”
Thanks for this way of looking at it. My husband signed one of my kids up for a very time intensive activity next school year and started me thinking about how much easier it would be if I just quit once all my kids are have their Things. But you’re right, DH should have kid time too, and would need to ramp up to compensate. It’s better for both of us to work (a reasonable amount) and share in kid/home responsibilities.
Anon says
My head just exploded at the Pence rule comment. I think you handled it well, but I’m also curious what he meant – was he saying women shouldn’t allowed at the dinner?
OP says
Thanks all for the supportive comments. It’s hard to find a community like this.
I’m having business dinner with another woman, and my boss mentioned that he can attend as well. He was saying that if it was just one woman, he wouldn’t attend. But since there’s two women, he would attend. That was his version of the Pence rule.
Anonymous says
Can we call it the Pence Harem rule?
Anon says
I feel you. I practice some divorce work and have two cases where I represent the husband’s of formerly SAHMs that will now have to work. One talked in her deposition about how she absolutely does not want anyone else “raising her kids” and why she can only work after the kids go to school and even then only mother’s hours. The other one went on a diatribe at mediation about how the worst part of all of this is how she is going to have to be someone who works instead of a mother. Both made it very clear that in their eyes, working women were not “real” mothers. I just bit my tongue through the whole thing and thought good for you, not for me . . .
Anonanonanon says
Oh jeez. On the one hand, when I was a SAHM (which I haaaaaated) there were a lot of women that would have been absolutely devastated to have to work. It was a decision they made as a family and a set of values and priorities they thought they shared with their husband, and I can imagine having all of that shift so rapidly-along with everything else going on in a divorce- could be earth-shattering.
That being said, I always have to bite my tongue and keep from pointing out that they rely on working mothers EVERY DAY and that their pediatrician, dentist, mail person, lady at the post office, kids’ teachers, etc. are all probably working mothers! I have sympathy for the fact their life isn’t going to play out like they thought, but at some point they need to look around, see how many women do this every day and that working women’s children aren’t any less special, and get it together.
Anon says
You said this so well. I do have a lot of sympathy to the situation exactly as you articulated it. But so much hopefully unintentional shade thrown.
Irish Midori says
Word. It is so hard for me not to roll my eyes at divorce clients who are mothers who expect me to sympathize with them that now they are going to have to be come one of “those” working mothers. Ahem. I too have children. Suck it up.
That said, I do have to admit it’s not fair that their social contract is being broken, and this is not what they signed up for. Also, a lot of times they are being made to enter a profession (or just a job, if that’s all that’s open) that they didn’t plan to, and might have given up career formation years to work internally for the family. So I try to slow my eye roll and have some compassion.
lsw says
This is awesome! Keep it up!!
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
You are awesome. :) A mentor once said something similar about being FT in the workforce to me – that while it’s great so many women have found other flexible arrangements – whether it’s a small in-home business, PT work, contracting – some of us choose to be in the FT game so we can eventually change things, have more women leaders, and in our own small ways, build the workforce and society that we all want. That really struck a chord with me, and is exactly what you did today. Cheers.
Anon says
I’m mentally high-fiving you over here. Thanks for sharing this with us today.
ElisaR says
thank you Anon! these little incremental comments help move us all forward. I feel the same way when PT moms say things like that other mother said at the pool. hurts. i work in a suburban downtown area and all the SAHM walking by my window with strollers also tugs at my heartstrings. That’s not for me but still.
Anonanonanon says
This is petty AF, but it gets me through the day: When another mother at the pool says something along the lines of “It’s just soooo important to me that I can get my kids off the bus every day, you know?” re: going part-time or taking “lean out” positions…. I think about all the fun memories my money buys for my kids. We definitely go on more vacations than those families do.
AIMS says
I may be pettier but if someone is actually being rude (& not unintentionally) I have no problem being rude back and saying something like ‘oh I could never stay home, I feel like i’d just go nuts or my brain would atrophy’ … it’s rare but I feel like if you want to judge me, I don’t have to be nice about it. But generally I agree that it’s good to remember that most people are just trying to justify their life choices, not thinking about yours.
avocado says
Sometimes the thought of what my job buys for my daughter (and it really is my job, not “our jobs,” because my labor supply is more elastic than my husband’s) is the only thing that keeps me going.
DrPepperEsq says
This made me think of something- I went to and graduated from law school at the height of the recession and it totally left its impact on me. I still have it in the back of my mind to be stuffing cash into a mattress. No one’s jobs are guaranteed. Not mine and not my husbands. I’m thankful that we are both gainfully employed, earning an income, and have a safety cushion. I can’t imagine suffering through the job application process out of law school then turning around and not working!
Cb says
My 23 month old asked to take off his nappy and sit on the potty this am. I should be happy but honestly, I’m super stressed (got a telling off from the dentist for my severe TMJ) and just can’t cope with another thing. Will we miss the window of interest if we push it another few months? What’s the one potty training book to read?
He’s in cloth so he’s very aware of wet and poo and asks to be changed immediately.
Anonymous says
There’s no magic window of interest. Let him go when he wants to but you don’t have to start full on training right now if it’s not convenient.
Anon says
You won’t miss the window of interest. Train when it’s convenient for your family, and generally older is easier, regardless of when your child first starts expressing interest.
AwayEmily says
+1. We bought into the “magic window” thing and trained soon after my daughter turned two when she started expressing interest. It was fine but in retrospect I think it would have gone faster if we waited six more months.
Anonymous says
+1 – as with baby sleep, there is no one true path to potty training. People come up with rigid formulas to sell books, but there’s a lot of different kids in the world and different strategies work.
Lana Del Raygun says
I think it might help you to think of learning to use the toilet as something more like learning to eat solid food, that you can take slowly on an as-interested basis, at least within a certain window (which you are in!), and without expecting him to get it all at once. It’s like letting a 6mo baby mess around with puffs and whatnot: he can take off his diaper and sit on the potty when he wants to and/or when you change him, which won’t be significantly more work than changing him, right? Then he can progress to asking to sit on the potty right before he goes in his diaper, or not, but you don’t have to *train* him until you want or need to.
Cb says
That’s super helpful, thanks!
Boston Legal Eagle says
Agree with this. Our 3 year started sitting on the potty at night before bath many months before we started officially potty training. I think it helped him to get used to using it.
Anonymous says
This doesn’t mean you have to potty train or even that he’s totally ready. FWIW my 28 month old has been sitting on the potty daily for like 5 months, still have ZERO pees in the potty. She also communicates when she goes. You would think she was ready so we did Oh Crap and again, nothing happened. So we gave up and we’ll try again in a few months. Also her brother is due in 2 weeks so this wasn’t good timing for us either. No one goes to kindergarten in diapers (unless there’s a special need), so don’t stress
Anonymous says
He wants to use the potty! That’s great! I know it’s stressful but go for it. Honestly the way I look at it is sitting in your own pee and poop is really vile, and if someone is articulating they don’t want to any more, ya gotta respect it.
anon says
Most kids start to show interest in the potty around that age. That doesn’t mean you have to actively potty train right now! To the extent there is a magic window, it’s when your kid is a bit older, around 2.5-3.
lawsuited says
Read Oh Cr@p! and then decide. That book helps you decide when is a good time (for your kid and for your family) to train and is generally just awesome and practical. I potty-trained by 27 mo son last week using the Oh Cr@p method and it went amazingly well.
PregLawyer says
My kid didn’t toilet train until he was 3. We tried earlier and it didn’t work. In my opinion, that early trying was a bunch of wasted time. Once he was ready to go on the toilet it took a few weeks and then it was just done. Yes, it theoretically will save you time changing diapers if you train earlier but, man, toilet training is a lot of work. I give you a full pass to skip this right now until you have the time and energy for it.
Anonymous says
Kind of just venting this morning, but if anyone has any advice…
I’m in my mid- to late thirties and trying to figure out what I want from my working life. I have worked in journalism and publishing and recently made what I hoped was a career change into coding and software development. It’s been kind of a mixed bag. I like my coworkers and I can do the work, but my manager moved me into a position where I’m not actively developing and more using my old job skills. There doesn’t appear to be a clear path up or out of this position and I don’t want to work in it the rest of my working life. Unfortunately, there aren’t a lot of positions like the one I thought I was taking and frankly I’d like to make more money anyway. I’m taking a class in a more advanced language to try getting into “regular” software development, but with a two-year-old at home, it’s hard and I’m realizing the one class probably won’t be enough to get a position I want.
I realize I’m getting to the age where I’m probably not going to reach the top of my field and I’m coming to terms with that. But I’m not sure whether to continue investing in this field, which could take a while to pay off or switch careers yet again, and if so, to what.
Anon says
I’m not in software development, but I’m in a similar situation where I’ve switched careers a couple of times and have accepted I’m not going to reach the top of anything now. So solidarity. I guess my question would be do you enjoy software development? If so, it seems like its worth trying to pursue additional education and a new job in the field, rather than just leaving the field. You shouldn’t let one job turn you off the entire field, especially if your boss in this job isn’t really letting you do software development.
AwayEmily says
Is there a way you can do what you’re doing, but in a truly awesome work environment? I’m also in a job where I’m never going to make a ton of money (it’s academia, so there’s a ceiling), so instead my strategy is to maximize on work environment — ie, to find colleagues who are truly a joy to work with. So maybe you can switch JOBS but not careers, if that makes sense. I don’t know a ton about software development but it seems like that set of skills is in demand enough that it would be possible to be choosy about your workplace. Whether that’s amazing colleagues, a mission that moves you, or workplace perks/location.
Pogo says
Do you see opportunities in your org for things to be done better, or to be automated? When I was getting into software that was what kept me busy and helped me work on my skills. I would write shell scripts for everything. I’d create SQL databases to store info and write queries to pull the best data for collateral and presentations. I never did front end work, but if you are interested in that, almost anything can benefit from a nice webpage or UI.
I offered to test and debug, and then gradually started asking the developers to let me check in my own fixes. You can also ask to participate in code reviews, and add comments to the code if they won’t let you contribute directly. The best way to get these types of roles where you can branch out is something like an application engineer (basically a superuser) – you know the software really well, and dig into all its quirks and issues, and then from there it’s not a big step to contributing to the code base.
I actually think this is one place where not having formal training should not be an obstacle at all. One of the engineers in my current org was originally a project manager. One of my best friends from college didn’t code at all in undergrad and ended up as a founding member of a tech startup that was bought out. To me the best thing about software is you can practice and fail as many times as you need to and get it right.
I’m not sure which languages you’re considering but while C used to be the standard SO many places are going to python and I find it incredibly intuitive. That’s where I would focus if you haven’t yet.
OP says
Thanks! So I develop using a form of XML but it’s a lot like XSLT. I am objectively good at it but they moved me into testing. So I do my best to keep my skills sharp and keep learning but I’m not getting to develop, just fix everyone else’s stuff. I’m taking a C++ class (would’ve preferred C# but couldn’t find any offerings at the time) and torn between trying Python next or seeing how far I can get on my own with C# once I have C++ under my belt.
I’m looking into jumping into QA in the same office (as a stepping stone to dev) but they want C# and I’m a ways off from producing any of my own work there yet.
Pogo says
I think that’s a great start! I would definitely encourage you to learn python first, because to me it is more intuitive than C. Once you get the hang of object oriented programming I feel like the leap to C is much smaller. You don’t have to compile your code in python so you can try things really quickly.
I am also biased because I have always worked in very technical fields, but I’ve found software products which are intended for a smaller, more technical audience to be more forgiving/willing to let people learn. If you’re currently working on a consumer facing product that needs constant uptime, the developers and management are unlikely to let a newbie play around. I have always worked on products where engineers were the intended customer – I would encourage you to look for something like that in your next role, and I definitely don’t think you need to feel stuck at your current company! Smaller companies will also be more likely to give you freedom to play – several of my friends work for startups in the Bay Area were a lot of their developers/testers are remote.
Anon says
I’m not a software developer, but I work for a university and can take classes for free and I took an introductory programming class that used Python and it was super fun! I think Python is really intuitive and you can do a lot with it, but that’s just my non-expert opinion.
FVNC says
I just want to specifically address the “not at the top of your field” comment — if this is something that’s important to you, then keep in mind that even in your late 30s, you still have decades of a professional career ahead of you! As an example, my mother worked 60-80% time until I was in college, then in her 50s ramped up to full time. Since then (close to 20 years) she has become a world-wide expert in her field, going to international conferences as a keynote speaker, invited to participate in prestigious industry working groups, managing a team, etc. It’s inspiring and exhausting all at once, but it’s helpful to me to see her example of playing the long game.
Anonanonanon says
I was going to say something very similar! I’ve started to get an overwhelming “running out of time” feeling even though I’m in my early 30s… and I always remind myself I likely have at least 35 years of career left ahead of me!
OP says
Thank you for this! I don’t disagree but in the sense that I’m still not 100% sure I’m in the field I want to stay in, it’s hard to feel like that’s possible. But you’re right! I’ve always gotten good reviews, both in my current field and my old one, so I know I’m capable of success, just trying to find the right place to thrive.
Anonymous says
Catching up after a crazy day yesterday- but have you thought about freelancing your dev skills? Or is the issue you need that first job tonreally home your skills?
I work with a lot of tech enabled service start ups and “start overs” (companies doing a complete strategy change/platform rebuild/whatever) and development is often one thing they outsource- unlike tech companies. These guys use software on their internal platforms so it’s a bit different and not entirely “client facing.”
Anonymous says
I finally got the courage to talk to my therapist and then my doctor about something I’ve been experiencing for a while, low gardening drive (getting lower despite me trying) combined with heightened irritability. I’m going in for a blood test tomorrow. I feel scared, because while I’m doing something about it finally, what if there isn’t any way to fix what is broken? I just feel scared and I feel awful because it’s making me a bad partner to my spouse, who has been very understanding. I guess just asking for good vibes.
Cb says
You’re doing a brave thing! Can I tell you something that might help? My husband has been experiencing some issues in that department and recently booked and attended (with me) an appointment to get things assessed. The treatment options on the table sound a bit terrifying but we’re moving forward and as a partner, I appreciate the fact that he was able to recognize a problem and get help. Your partner seems to feel the same.
Anonymous says
Thank you, that does help! I feel like I don’t even know where to start, so I’m glad to hear that there are treatment options…even if they are scary. Wishing the best for you two also!
Anonymous says
The question is, do YOU think it’s a problem beyond disappointing your husband? Sometimes I think there is too much pressure on women to please their partners by being constantly interested in “gardening,” when it is natural for that interest to ebb and flow with the seasons of life. I would be terribly hurt if my husband told me I wasn’t frisky enough for him and suggested that I undergo medical treatment to fix it.
If the issue genuinely bothers you, ask a lot of questions about any hormonal BC you are using, including an IUD.
Anonymous says
Yes, definitely it bothers me. And it’s not just gardening drive, it’s heightened irritation that is really bothering me too. I’m not happy with where I am right now. I’ve been off hormonal BC for years because of these types of issues, and now I’m worried because they seem to be escalating and I’ve been on Paragard for a long time.
Anonymous says
How old are your kids? Baby and toddler years were a rough patch for us. Once my youngest was about 3 years old, it’s like the stress of the baby years eased a bit and I was able to devote more energy to my marriage. Feeling more connected in my marriage, helped with feeling it more in the bedroom. Regular date nights have also helped me as it helps me get back to my pre-kid self. And if it’s not great from a physical perspective, I highly recommend pelvic floor PT.
Anonymous says
I actually noticed this change before we had our son (toddler), but kinda pushed through it because I wanted to get pregnant. I’ve tried things like mindfulness, more dates, other things in those four-ish years, but now it’s escalated where I’m actually grossed out or need to stop halfway through which makes no sense to me. Sometimes I don’t even want to be touched. Sounds in general are making me irritated and I feel like I’m just not pleasant to be around! Kissing isn’t even pleasant to me at this point. I definitely don’t want to live my life like this. I remember how it was to have a plot of pleasure, intimacy and general closeness with my spouse and I want to go back to that. I feel like I’ve tried the “soft” interventions like above, and it feels like a physical problem at this point. I hope. Because if not, I don’t know where to go next.
Anonanonanon says
This was 100% me when I had untreated clinical depression. Sounds bothered me, I was crazy irritable at the smallest inconvenience or change in plan, I just wanted to be left alone to look at my phone in the corner of the couch or go lay in bed and not fall asleep. My primary symptom was just an underlying feeling of RAGE. Fwiw, I took Wellbutrin for a few years and it made a world of difference. I was much less rage-filled. I eventually made some other life changes and haven’t been on Wellbutrin in a couple of years, but the medication helped me get it together enough to make the changes I needed to make.
Congratulations on talking to a doctor and I hope everything goes well!
Anonymous says
Wow, this just made me tear up. As the kids say, I feel seen. Thank you for sharing this, and depending on how things go, I’d like to ask about trying something like Wellbutrin.
Anonymous says
Same here. The ragey feeling and the fact that the smallest things would make me so irrationally angry was my #1 symptom of depression. As I was reading OP’s post I just kept thinking, this was me before I got treated for depression.
Anonymous says
Wellbutrin is also working well for me.
Anonanonanon says
Awww I am truly glad it helped you feel seen! I didn’t realize it was depression because I didn’t feel what I think of as “sad”. I wasn’t mopey, I was angry. I realized I was using up so much energy/patience/willpower to just function that I had zero left to control certain thoughts and actions. It was sort of like running on very little sleep all of the time, or persistent severe PMS.
A says
Our new one-year-old has been the chillest, easiest baby, and has turned into a hysterical, tantruming mess over the past week. He just started daycare, had his well child appointment (with shots and blood draw), and is getting his molars. I know all of these things can result in extra fussiness, but it is like a switch has flipped. Any suggestions on getting through this? Our mornings and evenings have been completely consumed by wailing, and he is refusing to sit in his high chair and screams basically any time we’re not holding him. We are also going on a nine hour road trip next week and are worried it’s going to be miserable. I don’t remember things being quite this intense with my first, although I could have repressed this stage!
Anonymous says
Babywearing helped me get through a phase like this. I used to wear her in the ergo on my back in the mornings when I did my makeup and packed lunches and picked out my clothes. In the evenings, I put her on my back with a straw cup of milk to snuggle while i made dinner. The phyiscal reconnection seemed to really help. I left the carrier on the back of one of the dining room chairs so she could get it whenever she needed an up on the weekends.
Anonymous says
Second the tip for babywearing. Really just experiment with whatever helps calm things down so that you can just get through this while repeating over and over to yourself “It’s just a phase.” Hopefully it will be a very short-lived phase at that!
IHeartBacon says
I third the tip for babywearing. Also, devoting 5 full, uninterrupted minutes every morning and every evening of just pure active, physical contact helped us during these stints. (E.g., roughhousing, tickling, blowing raspberries, giving kisses all over LO’s face, etc.) The need for human touch is real.
Anonymous says
Babywearing, rides in the stroller (if tolerated), Tylenol, ice packs, cuddles.
I have 3 kids and they each needed a different kind of comfort- oldest needs compassion (oh that looks like it hurts, here’s a kiss and an ice pack….I’m tired and grumpy too. When I feel like that I need some tv time….), middle needs physical holding (babywearing, sitting in lap, now that she’s 3 if she’s grumpy or sad i make her a “hat” and put her on my shoulders), and youngest needs focused attention/distraction.
Anon says
How do moms of babies and toddlers get information about kids’ development and what they’re supposed to be doing when? I’m not that into books because I don’t want to stress about LO’s development and want him to do things when he’s ready. I also don’t have a lot of mom friends because I work full time. When I occasionally get together with similar aged kids I’m sometimes surprised that LO isn’t doing the same things or, for example, that I’m supposed to be teaching LO to drink from a straw and move away from the bottle. How do most people know what to teach them and make sure they’re on track (whatever that means)?
Anonymous says
Day care!
Anon says
This. We sort of just …. forgot?…. to transition DD off bottles to sippy cups (shes 14 months) and daycare was on it. We’re still working on it but it was so far from my radar (oops).
Anon says
Yup, daycare. I don’t really care about what age my daughter switches to a sippy cup or learns how to spoon feed herself, because she will obviously master those things eventually. But since she started daycare, they’ve taught her a lot of that stuff.
Anonanonanon says
Daycare!! I was a SAHM for 2 years with my first and my second has been in daycare since 5 months and she’s much more advanced that my first was at the same age, because I did not magically know when to start teaching things!
Boston Legal Eagle says
I was really into following milestone charts and whatnot with my first, and was concerned whenever he hadn’t hit a certain category “on time.” With my second, I seem to have completely forgotten when babies are old enough to do what, and just follow my pediatrician’s charts and ask any questions on development. Daycare definitely does a lot of this too.
Anon says
I may be in the minority but I actively avoid all info about child development. It just makes me anxious. Kids under 2 go to the doctor very frequently, and our doctor makes us fill out a questionnaire about what our kid is doing, and I figure if there’s anything problematic it would turn up on that and the doctor would discuss it with us. 99% of my mom friends want to talk about child development ALL THE TIME so I have actually leaned into my friendships with non-moms since becoming a mom.
AwayEmily says
This seems like an extremely healthy attitude.
rosie says
Yes, basically this. We fill out questionnaires at the peds office and get a handout at each appointment about what to expect at that age and what things to introduce, age-appropriate discipline strategies, etc. These handouts have been the extent of my research.
Totally trust our peds as well to tell us if anything is cause for concern.
OP says
This is what I need!
rosie says
I think ours are printouts from a standard source, not developed by the practice. Perhaps something like https://www.healthychildren.org/English/Pages/default.aspx?
OP says
This had been my attitude, but I’m starting to feel like its failing me, because I regularly find out that there’s something I missed. My doctor is pretty laid back (I think trying not to feed into the obsessive parenting) and has never given us a questionnaire or recommendations about what LO (almost 1) should be doing.
Anon says
Do they ask you any questions? Our doctor doesn’t give us written questions, but they usually ask 2-3 questions about development, mostly about progress toward talking and walking. (We sometimes say no to the questions, and the doctor has been ok with it. Eg., they asked at 12 months if she had 3 words, we said no, they said that’s fine, she will soon.) If your doctor doesn’t ask you anything, then I think it’s totally fine to say “She’s doing X, and Y, is there anything else she should be doing at this age?”
Pogo says
My ped suggested healthychildren dot org which is the official site of the AAP – if you really want a “resource” to follow. But everything is on a spectrum and unless you have concerns or things are affecting daily life w/ baby, I would wait for the ped to call it out. For things affecting daily life (like when my kid was anti-water, anti-sippy) I called and spoke to the nurse – they will tell you if you’re trying to transition too early, or offer suggestions.
OP says
Thanks, that looks great. Now I just need to get in the habit of checking this stuff out!
PregLawyer says
I don’t actively read online, but I do track the basic milestones to see if I need to put more effort in on certain areas. For example, I realized that my daughter was a little bit behind on vocalizing, which was likely because she’s a younger sibling and her older brother is just talking all. the. time. Knowing that she was a little behind was a good reminder that I needed to quiet her brother down at times and create space for her to fill in the silence. I also needed to spend more focused time having “conversations” with her to get her going.
Sure, you can avoid this stuff and just let the kids go at their own pace, but I think there’s also a very healthy way to approach it without stressing yourself out. The only book I regularly look at are the Baby 411 and Toddler 411 books. They have good markers for various milestones.
Anon says
I guess I disagree that there’s a “need” to put in more effort even if your kid isn’t meeting 100% of their milestones. Does it matter if your kid walks at 12 months or 18 months? Or says their first word at 9 months vs 16 months? Assuming there’s nothing medically wrong with them, they will all walk and talk eventually. The age at which they started doing these things is not going to affect their future life in any meaningful way, and I never felt the need to push them to do things earlier than they would naturally do them. If there’s some concern there may actually be something wrong, that’s a different story but that’s where the ped is a backstop.
Lana Del Raygun says
Right, but if there *is* something medically wrong, I’d rather catch it sooner than later, especially since I’ve seen how long it can take to get in with a therapist, even just for an evaluation. And for example, my child is missing gross motor milestones, but the pediatrician says she’s not worried, so we’re just going to “stimulate and monitor” more intentionally than we would if we didn’t know. And now that we’re doing even this very low-key DIY PT/OT, she (the kid) is making much more progress than she was when we were just live-and-let-live-ing.
PregLawyer says
@ Anon: I think we have fundamentally different parenting styles. I don’t know which one is right, but I think it feels better *for me* to do more hands-on guiding with my kids, even in the 12-36 months range. Who knows how it will impact them in the long run. I have really liked being able to interact with my daughter more now that she can say a few words, and I don’t think it was going to happen if I didn’t make space for her.
I also wonder at what point we really are supposed to start “parenting” and what activities are things that kids will figure out on their own, or things that we need to teach. For example, I see a lot of little kids at the playground or in shared play spaces in the 2-4 age range who are physical with other kids and don’t share toys well. It always shocks me when I see their parents watching and not intervening. I actively interfere when my kids are touching kids they don’t know and when they are hoarding toys or things on the playground. Am I overreacting? It feels crazy for me to just let that stuff happen and do nothing, but I honestly don’t know if I’m the one who’s interfering unnecessarily.
ElisaR says
YES
IHeartBacon says
This is my attitude as well. I don’t keep track of any milestones except for filling out the questionnaire at the doctor appointments. The only way/reason I “keep track” is jotting down the dates of certain events so I can tell LO about them when he is older (“your first word was…you took your first step at…” etc.) I also try to trust my instincts about things that seem a little off, and I’ll bring them up with the pediatrician at the next visit.
Like the OP, I also sometimes see that another kid my LO’s age is doing something my son isn’t doing and that’ll sometimes prompt me to get my LO to try it. I don’t for one single second consider that a “failing”; I see it more as being influenced by the power of suggestion. Sometimes I just need to see something in order for it to even come up on my radar.
Cb says
I’ve found the Ages and Stages questionnaires super helpful for a baseline.
Anon says
Fwiw, my doctor said the ASQ is fear-mongery. Our kid has always “failed” the gross motor portion of that and has often appeared in the gray area (“concern”) on one or two other categories and our doctor has never been worried about it. Our doctor said there are certain things that are so far out of the normal range they raise red flags – like a child not sitting independently by a year or not saying a single word by 18 months – but otherwise there is a huge spectrum of normal development, and most kids will be faster in some and slower in others. She said the main thing they look for is continued forward progress, however slow, and the biggest thing you should be concerned about is sudden regression or plateauing.
Cb says
That makes sense. We don’t do have the same regular pediatrician check-ups in the UK as you do in the US so I find the ASQ helpful as a check for myself, to make sure I’m not missing anything as we go nearly a year between developmental checks.
Lana Del Raygun says
I like the ASQ, and the CDC also has a (less detailed, I think) app.
Anon says
For me it is a mix of experience (I had younger siblings, babysat a lot, etc.) and I like those bite size newsletters (Babycenter I think) that is a short couple of paragraphs each week or so on things your baby should be doing now or things to try. Way less time and effort than a book and still helpful in an easily digestible format. I cross-reference that with our pediatrician visits (I ask at the end of each visit what things we should be expecting or trying before the next one). And I remember (and repeat ad nauseum) that children develop at their own pace – while my kid is not in daycare so she’s not advanced at some things, she is much more advanced than her peers at other things.
Io says
Our pediatrician provided a one-page cheat sheet for each appointment through 18 months. It had developmental skills, behavioral problems that may arise and a list of shots given, weight/height and next appointment.
Honestly though, the developmental book I liked the best was one for dad’s. It had a very upbeat tone and was much more focused on “here’s a game you can play with your baby, now that baby can…”. Mom stuff was too rigid and more about “watch out for horrible thing that might happen!”
Overfeeding? says
Has anyone ever dealt with overfeeding a baby at daycare? I love our daycare otherwise but the teachers are always pushing for me to send bigger bottles – and they tend to encourage my son to finish his bottle even when he is acting like he’s done. He is already really chunky and his weight is way out of proportion to his height on the charts.
I’ve tried to talk to his teachers about it, but I come away feeling horrible, like they think I want my kid to be hungry. That’s the last thing I want, of course – but I also don’t want him eating more than he wants/needs.
lsw says
It wasn’t daycare but was my mom/nanny situation when my son was an older baby. My mom kept feeding him larger and larger bottles of breastmilk and I couldn’t keep up with pumping (he was removing less from the breast when I was nursing him because he was overeating during the day). I would be happy to send you some emails I have shared with other moms in a similar situation with how I addressed it, if that would be helpful!
Anon says
Sorry if this posts like four times… so many issues with mod and posting lately.
We had the same issue. It was short lived as she eventually did need more in her bottle, but I feel you. It’s so hard. In hindsight, I should have sent more food – an extra ounce per feeding didn’t make that big of a difference (I’m a historically disordered eater so I have all sorts of anxieties around feeding/overfeeding and setting my kid up for being overweight, etc… I’m working through it, have no fear..), but I’d take more issue with forcing a feed if baby is indicating he’s full. That’s I’m not cool with. Are you sure this is happening? Not meaning to doubt you, but you’re obviously not there to witness. How have they conveyed to you that this is a practice of theirs?
I wouldn’t worry about the charts unless your pedi has expressed concern, though, which is a hard advice for me to take for myself (see: disordered eater above), but it’s the truth!
Overfeeding? says
It’s definitely not force-feeding, more like encouraging him to finish when it’s clear he’s losing interest. I’ve seen it happen and also they’ve told me “oh we tried to get him to finish but he kept pushing it away.” I think a lot of parents are upset if milk gets wasted, so I get where they’re coming from – but in this case, his weight to height ratio is literally off the charts, so I do worry a little about whether he’s eating to much.
Anon says
Call your pedi and ask. Seriously. The peace of mind you’ll get will far outweigh the self consciousness you’ll feel (if you’re anything like me) when dialing the phone. Do you have a routine check up coming up so you can have a conversation about it? That’s also an obvious time to discuss it. Those charts are the devil, and it’s only gotten harder (for me) as we’ve added solids. Now is the time to get some questions answered about your child’s trajectory so that you have the right frame of mind and reference as he/she continues to grow.
Anon says
I’ve talked about it with his ped multiple times and his perspective is, yes, he’s heavy and it’s probably fine but we need to keep an eye on it. So that’s what I’m trying to do. It would just be a lot easier if I was the one actually feeding him.
Lana Del Raygun says
So can you tell the daycare “I talked to his ped and I want you to let him tell you when he’s done eating, and not try to get him to finish his bottle after that”? It would be pretty weird for them to hear that and think you wanted your kid to be hungry (which would be a weird thing for them to think anyway imo but it can be nice to have an extra layer of “the doctor said” if you don’t feel confident about talking to them).
Anon says
Not much real advice, but commiseration. I think caregivers often feel pressure to not waste milk and also, feeding babies is one of the few responsibilities they have where they can check a box and say, I did this totally and completely. It took a few months of prodding a couple of days a week to convince my nanny not to force my LO to finish every drop in her bottle (I overfill the bottle so there’s more available if LO is hungry). Literally minutes after I said, “she doesn’t have to finish it all,” my nanny would be trying to get LO to finish. Its frustrating. As for advice, I’d say keep telling them and stress the ped’s advice as an authority/medical issue.
Anon says
How old is your baby? Are you going to start solids soon? Is he fussy after you feed him? When my son was a baby, daycare always asked for bigger bottles. Well, he was already getting everything I had and I told them so and politely ignored their request.
Anonymous says
I like this pick! I’m biased because I have a very similar necklace that I got when I visited a pearl farm in SE Asia on vacation years ago. I wear it a lot, because it goes with everything from dressy to casual, and reminds me of a great trip.
Anon for this says
Pretty sure I’m pregnant with #2 and am feeling much more panicky and anxious about it than I expected. I was firmly on the singleton train for awhile, but in recent months started to change my tune and decided to give it a shot, and did not expect it to happen so quickly, if at all. I think there was a similar thread on this in recent weeks but I can’t find it, so just posting for advice, words of wisdom, commiseration, etc.
Anonymous says
Don’t panic before you take a pregnancy test!
Boston Legal Eagle says
Congratulations!! Totally normal to feel anxious and scared about the changes to come, especially if it wasn’t totally planned. I was nervous for weeks before our second was born, despite him being planned and very much wanted. It’s a huge change and those first few weeks (months.. years..) are really hard, especially if the older one isn’t independent yet.
My biggest advice is probably to get as much family or paid help in the beginning as possible. Outsource whatever you can afford. Also, keep the older one in daycare or with whatever caregiver they’re with so you can focus on the baby.
In the fog of the hardness of having two, there will be moments where they interact so well together and you’ll just be amazed that you created these two humans who will have their own special relationship. And then one will start crying and the other will go back to toddlering, but that’s ok :)
Anonymous says
We felt this way when we found out about our (unexpected) second pregnancy. First one we were over the moon couldn’t wait to tell people etc…this one we were freaked out and like “here we go again!”. We just needed time to let those feelings sit and we slowly got excited. Now I’m due in 2 weeks and we’re definitely happy excited (but still nervous to have 2!)
AIMS says
+1. I was very uncertain. I think I actually cried when I found out. But now it’s great. Totally normal panic feeling.
Anonanonanon says
I would like to vent/feel sorry for myself for a moment and it probably won’t be a popular vent but here goes.
I do not have a graduate degree. I have made it to six figures without one and am very highly-regarded in my field. I am fortunate that my undergrad degree is from a prestigious university, but then life (aka an unplanned pregnancy) happened and I never finished my graduate degree. I started, but I was a single mom at the time paying out-of-pocket and when I got a job in my dream career I stopped paying for it. They weren’t going to promote me or give me a raise if I finished, so it didn’t make financial sense.
It has never been an issue until now. I’ve suddenly hit a wall. I got my current job through networking and my boss let it slip that she probably wouldn’t have hired me if she knew I didn’t have my graduate degree. That was so frustrating to hear, because I’m consistently told I’m the highest-performing employee and was even promoted to Director of our organization (reporting to Executive Director) in less than a year. I was approached to be an adjunct professor for a graduate program because they wanted people who actually work in our rare field, and then, of course, was not eligible because I don’t have a graduate degree (which makes sense in that context) but was still asked to guest lecture and mentor. Again, it feels a bit like a piece of paper is standing in my way.
Anyway, it’s become clear to me that I need to prioritize getting a graduate degree, but it is frustrating to hear that it’s suddenly such a barrier despite all that I have proven and accomplished without one. Between raising two children and holding a Director-level position (obviously more than 40 hours a week) I’m going to have to do the degree with a concentration in my field just to make it easier to get through, which also feels like a waste. In an ideal world, I would diversify, but I don’t have time to learn something new. I’m 32, so now’s as good a time as any.
Anyway, I know I need to do this and it’s the standard now, but it’s just not how I would like to spend my money. Sigh.
avocado says
Get the degree in the field really that interests you! A graduate degree is a lot of work whether you think you know the material already or not. It will be a lot more fun and easier to handle if you’re learning something new and exciting than if you are just going through the motions.
Lana Del Raygun says
Ugh, that’s so obnoxious. Can you get your work to pay for it, if it’s so important to them?
Pogo says
It sounds like you’re academia-adjacent? That’s super frustrating. I definitely found something similar when I was in a non-profit research org, but transitioning to the private sector helped a lot. Is that an option, or are you super niche and this will be an issue everywhere you go?
and would it be PhD or just masters? That’s such a big difference to me.
Anonanonanon says
I’m actually not which is why I feel so “WTF?!” about it! I’m pretty niche, but I entered my field about 5 years ago on the tail end of a lot of people who entered it as a second career from backgrounds that didn’t involve masters degrees. Now that other younger folks are entering, degrees are starting to be valued a lot more. It honestly felt like it happened overnight.
Sarah says
Sounds like you are doing amazing! I would think harder about whether a graduate degree is really necessary. Your success seems to prove otherwise. Do a couple comments made by these people really mean you have to get one? A degree is expensive and time consuming and if your heart isn’t in it, it could be a big drain on your life. You don’t have to check all the boxes all the time.
Anonymous says
I’m sorry you feel like you are running into this wall, and I hope there are tuition benefits through your job if you choose to get the grad degree.
I just wanted to tell you, though, I’m 35 and never got a grad degree because … I just didn’t? In my 20s, I didn’t know what I wanted to do (OK, that hasn’t changed) and didn’t want to throw a bunch of time and money at something I was unsure of, and then I had kids. I’ve come to the conclusion that I just don’t want to prioritize it right now with young kids. The opportunity cost of quitting my job to go to school full time is very high, and full time job + school + kids is too much for me. I say that as someone who loves school and would go full time in a heartbeat if it made any financial sense. I’m a Director reporting directly to an exec, making 6 figures at a F500. Fortunately, experience and professional certs are still more important in my field (tech) than a grad degree, and I can probably ride this out as long as I want to stay in my current career. Every time I have to check ‘bachelors degree” on form asking for the highest level of education each parent has achieved, or look at resumes for people I’m hiring to report to me and see that they have more higher ed than I do, I feel a little mopey, but I’ve come to recognize that’s a problem in my head, not a real problem.
If you *need* a grad degree to get where you want to go in your field, or if you really want to go back to school, go for it. But it sounds like there might be ways around it, so don’t let your boss’s offhand comments bully you into taking this on. You are obviously rocking it without the piece of paper.
Anonanonanon says
Thanks. I feel a bit better knowing I’m not the only one. It was just scary to hear that our board would probably be displeased if they found out, despite my performance. There are no tuition benefits (it’s a nonprofit) but your reply has made me feel a bit better. Perhaps I need to explore a wider variety of professional certifications and really start looking at other paths my career may go down, what degrees they require, and what the pay is, to give me a better idea of whether or not I’ll see a financial payoff.
My boss’s comment was in large part because she feels I would be the best choice to replace her when she moves on in 3 years or so. Honestly, I don’t think I WANT her job! I’d much rather go private sector to do something more closely related to my subject matter expertise than take on more finance/admin responsibilities.
anon says
All of this! I’m 38, I love learning, and I’m doing very well in my field. I do not have a master’s degree. It wasn’t a priority in my twenties, when I was so glad to be done with school, and it’s even less of one in my thirties, now that I have a demanding job and two kids. (I also really like sleep and personal time.) There is a point where I won’t be able to progress upward anymore, but I don’t think I want those jobs anyway. For me, there has never been a big enough (i.e., guaranteed) payoff to justify the time, effort and money I’d have to put into getting another degree.
Anon says
Are you me? This is me. I could have written this. OP – I feel ya. Lately, I’ve also been feeling a little down, like an underachiever for not going to grad school. I’ve moved up in my company to a decent position; I’m just not sure I could find something comparable if/when I go looking. But then I think about why I didn’t pursue grad school – similar to you, I didn’t feel the debt was worth it to me and I I didn’t enjoy school (but love learning! unfortunately there is a disconnect.).
It is very relieving to know I’m not the only one.
octagon says
I was in your shoes. I got the graduate degree. Went back at 31. No kids, but a demanding job. I found a local program that offered evening classes. I took 1-2 a week for 3 years, including summers, until I finished. Work paid for half of it — they had a semester stipend and by going part-time I was able to offset a lot of the cost. The degree opened up more doors, and has more than paid for itself in advancement.
Coach Laura says
I’m sorry that you are getting push back on this. I was 40 and needed the degree. I had two elementary-aged kids and a husband who had a potentially fatal diagnosis. I got my degree online and it was one of the best things I did for myself and career. I doubled my salary in a short time. I read my textbook while commuting, wrote papers while on road trips, worked until midnight too often but was still able to volunteer at my kids school and be there for my kids. I did take 3 years to complete a 2 year program and when I wasn’t taking a class, I got the textbook for the next class early and started reading it or reading books like Marketing for Dummies. So you can do this. If you are getting pressure from your employer, take one or two classes to show them you’re serious and then go on the slow plan.
There are online programs that are top-notch. Depends on your field but I always recommend that if someone is going to do a mid-career on line Masters’ program, find one at a brick and mortar university in your area of the country or one that is the top in the field or both.
I think I know where you live but don’t want to out you. If you live in the mid east coast, find something in Virginia, Maryland, North Carolina. Look at your peers who have grad degrees and find out where they went. For you, you probably want some combination of accredited, cheap and well-respected. Definitely don’t go to a for-profit school as those are really expensive and not as well-regarded.
I’m not as familiar with Masters in Public Administration or Masters in Non-profit Management but for example, Duke has an extremely well-respected MBA online/hybrid program that would be great for making professional connections. UNC has a fantastic MBA. UNC has a MPA that is online and reasonably cheap for Out of State students. If you’re just doing it for “box-checking” and want cheap but accredited, then American Public University is very good: I’ve taken classes with them. Old Dominion has a good MPA program but it is more expensive than UNC but has better name recognition than American Public. For far away schools, Arizona State has very well regarded online programs.
You should look for a masters program that is exciting to you. If you want help doing some research, I’d be happy to help. Post an anon email. I teach online classes and would enjoy helping you research a program. And as someone else said, if an MPA or whatever doesn’t excite you, look for a more generalist degree.
Also, there are certificates in Non-Profit Management. Some schools will let you get the graduate certificate and then at some point go on and finish the degree. The grad certificate may make your employer happy.
anon says
Looking for advice about mat leave. I’m a new partner in a mid-size firm in the midwest. We have very few women partners and the ones who have kids all had them at a different firm before moving here, so I’m in uncharted territory.
Our mat leave policy was 12 weeks but I just learned it’s changing to 16 weeks full pay for c sections, and I’m scheduled for a c section in 2 weeks. Up to now, I had just been contemplating a 12-week leave and I don’t know what to think. Do I take 16 now? My practice group is already a bit thin so I’m already worried about coverage for my clients during leave and that makes me hesitate to take a longer one. This is our second (and last) kid though. Fwiw, I took 12 weeks with our first. Thoughts?
Anon says
I’d plan take the full 16. You can always come back early if you feel up to it.
The way I see it, an extra 4 weeks is really unlikely to impact the course of your career but 4 weeks with your little at that age may be soo nice to have. Also, you’re setting a precedent for others behind you.
Anonymous says
Agreed! The way I see it, they’re going to have to make adjustments for you to be gone 12 weeks, a few more weeks of those adjustments is not going to be a huge difference for the firm.
EB says
Can you play it by ear? I don’t think there is a wrong answer here. In your position, I would probably plan for 16 and if they needed me or I got the itch to go back early, I would, maybe even on a part time basis or something.
Anon says
Take the 16 weeks.
(Fwiw, and I know you didn’t make the policy, but this seems super unfair to me. 12 weeks is plenty of time to recover physically from a C-section, barring extreme complications. Weeks 12-16 are about bonding, not physical recovery, and it seems really unfair to let women who happen to have C-sections get an extra four weeks at home with their babies. Especially since women in the US generally can’t elect C-sections.)
anon OP says
I actually agree with this being unfair and I’m really surprised by it. I had a c section last time as well and was recovered physically in 12 weeks (I was an emotional mess but that wasn’t due to the c section)
Lana Del Raygun says
Yeah this strikes me as odd too. Since they’re already out of the mingy 6-8 week “I guess you can have the minimum you need to mostly put your body back together” zone, they should just let everyone take 16 weeks!
Pogo says
Also seems weird for your employer to make distinctions based on a medical outcome – as opposed to an insurance paying out based on medical outcome, which is where the 6-8 week distinction usually comes in in the US. I wonder if your firm purchased some kind of supplemental insurance themselves to cover women who have C-sections and it gave them more benefit that they can claim?
Anonymous says
Agree it’s unfair but this is my perspective – my former employer technically paid 8 weeks of maternity leave. But that was AFTER short term disability. STD covered 6 weeks of recovery after v-birth, 8 weeks after c-section. So you would get either 14 or 16 weeks based on type of birth. But yeh…weeks 12-16 are the best part of maternity leave!
Boston Legal Eagle says
Same here – it’s the STD coverage. Agree that it would be better to just give everyone 16 weeks.
Lana Del Raygun says
I would take the 16! You set precedent as a partner (right? I’m so not in law) so it’s nice to max out what your firm provides, and recovering from a c-section can be a lot. Even with a planned c-section, I was really wiped out in the beginning and I needed a long runway to get back to feeling baseline capable again. 12 weeks was when I felt like “okay, yeah, I could go back to work now and be fine” (I was originally supposed to go back at 8, which would have really stunk, but I got furloughed), but if I’d been able to take an extra four weeks to enjoy being with my baby at that higher level of capability it would have been really nice.
Emily S. says
I also would take the full 16 and not look back. Babies tend to start giving back at 12 weeks, and just as you start to have fun bc your body is mostly recovered and you’ve hit your stride, boom, back to work. Use the extra time to hang with the baby, leave baby with a caretaker and take care of yourself, have a day date with your spouse, etc. Good luck with the surgery and recovery! (FWIW, I came back after 8 with my first and 12 with my second. I would have jumped at 16 weeks, even though I thought I was ready to come back both times.)
Irish Midori says
Take the max time! The job will recover. That’s my biggest regret with baby #1–I felt so much pressure to get back to work and be a hero that I sabotaged my early parenting time that I can’t get back.
Also, little jealous you get that long. My firm is 6 weeks paid, unpaid is negotiated. Whyyyy can we not join the civilized world about maternity leave?? (I’m asking for 16 weeks–10 of them unpaid this time.)
Backpack Recommendations? says
Each year before school starts I buy my son a new backpack from P*B*n. The quality seems to have gone down recently and the prices certainly haven’t. He is really hard on his stuff and I would like to buy something that will last through a whole school year. Does anyone have recommendations for cute, sturdy backpacks for elementary school kids?
Emily S. says
L.L. Bean! We switched from PBK to LL.L. Bean last year and I’ve enjoyed it. We have the Junior original kids, which is fine for the folder, pencil box, 1 million coloring pages she transports every day. Lands’ End Class packs are on sale (some sizes only, I think) for $20 (in the catalog if not the website).
Anon says
I recently dug out my (middle school!) LLBean pack last year for some travel and it still held up great (after a good number of years of use in middle and high school plus a decade and a half in storage)!
avocado says
Another vote for LL Bean. We have never had to replace one due to wear, only for capacity issues.
anon says
LLBean wears like iron. I would NOT be happy paying PBK prices if they didn’t last more than a year.
Anonymous says
Jansport also has that guarantee – a friend of mine is still trading in hers from college (20 years later).
ElisaR says
L.L. Bean for my son. Also, my L. L. Bean little red one from kindergarten in 1982 is STILL KICKIN’. I just brought it on vacation. (granted it sat unused for a few decades)
rakma says
We’re heading into year 3 with a Land’s End backpack, it still looks brand new.
Next year will be it’s first year on a bus, so we’ll see if it’s going to make it for 4, but I have a good feeling about it.
Grandparent envy says
Today’s thread on vacations and a few over things going on lately have me in full-on grandparent envy mode. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only parent on earth who doesn’t have at least one grandparent involved who is willing and able to keep their kids on occasion, even if they live far away and travel is involved to get to them. Anyone else going it alone in this respect?
Anon says
I don’t see the thread you’re referring to, but neither my parents or in-laws live nearby or have ever offered to watch our kids. Kids can usually go to sleepaway camp around age 7 or 8, so DH and I have just accepted we will not have childfree vacations until then.
Grandparent envy? says
Oh! Brilliant! We haven’t reached the sleepaway camp stage yet, and I hadn’t even thought of it as an option – but this gives me so much hope that we might get an overnight trip eventually before our kids are grown.
(And the vacation discussion is a totally separate post; I said thread but meant post.)
Anon says
I am sort of in your boat currently. My inlaws are local but very much older and physically incapable of handling our kid (and one of them is in a rehab facility after a fall) and my mom is going through a rough cancer battle for the past few years and what I think is round 3 of chemo (it all sort of blends together), so she doesn’t have the bandwidth to support with childcare either. Kiddo essentially travels with us for everything. I will say though, if I need to just zone out for a little bit, plopping her on the couch with a video call with her grandparents will buy me a good 20 minutes of kid-free time (and helps keep the relationships going).
DLC says
Anyone want to help me shop for my 2.5 year old boy? We’ve been invited to a family friendly work event, and the invite says cocktail attire (I think it’s supposed to be a fun dress up event geared primarily for older kids like our 7 year old). Given that we don’t go to many weddings, special events or what not, I’d rather not spend money on an outfit my son is only going to wear once. Any ideas on how I can get him to “cocktail” attire level with pieces he might wear again? Bonus if I can order it on amazon for this weekend!
AwayEmily says
Gray pants (khaki-type) and a solid button-down shirt (ideally not white if you want to re-wear). Old Navy & Target have a fair number of options (I was just recently browsing similar things for our family photos).
Clementine says
Khaki pants. Dress shirt (I like a plain white one). Then get a bowtie and suspenders. Converse sneakers as dress shoes.
Super adorable, very easy to find, something you’ll get some wear out of. This is exactly what my kid has worn as a ring bearer.
AIMS says
+1 but also check our Lord & Taylor. They have crazy clearance sales for kids clothes and for something like this you can find really cute stuff at $20 or so from Little Me etc.
Anon says
Converse sneakers would be cute, but if you don’t want to buy shoes I feel like it’s acceptable for a 2 year old to be in sneakers even if he’s wearing khakis and a button front shirt.
Pogo says
Carter’s “dress me up” outfits – often carried at Kohl’s as well.
Anon4this says
Super personal, but my husband and I have really open honest conversation about intimacy and gardening etc. It’s greatly improved our gardening life post kids and we have a great marriage. Two things that he’s been honest with me about that are hard are the following and I’m curious if your spouses would be the same way or what you think
1) he thinks about other women (no one person but just attractive women) when he mbates, not that he never thinks about me but that it’s nice to think about other women too. He says there’s a huge difference between it being attractive and acting on it and he would never act on it because of how much it would hurt me and that our marriage and life is too good to mess up by acting on it.
2) if I had no interest in any form of intimacy for months or years, he might cheat on me. He says its so hard to even imagine but that he also can’t imagine not gardening for a prolonged period. This is harder to accept like what if I had a debilitating illness where I couldn’t, would he cheat on me? I can’t imagine cheating on him under any circumstance but I know gardening is different for men and women? I don’t know.
Thanks again for any thoughts.
Anonymous says
Number 1 is really personal – I fantasize about other men while self-gardening and I have no interest in cheating on my DH, ever. Wouldn’t risk screwing up our life or losing our family over anything.
Number 2 is hard but I find it’s really a waste of time to get worked up over hypotheticals. I mean…it would be incredibly difficult if DH didn’t want to garden for years at a time with me. Having an illness or being incapable of gardening (even if you want to) is different from someone not wanting to garden with you for years. The latter includes a feeling of rejection.
I think it’s great to have open discussions…but really both of these particular hypotheticals are probably subjects DH and I would avoid because there’s no point. Cross that bridge if you come to it but you probably won’t.
FWIW I don’t think gardening for men and women is that different. Women can have just as much of a drive or more than men
Anonymous says
+1 to all of this. .
IHeartBacon says
+Infinity.
Anonymous says
1) This is normal. I don’t just think about DH and I don’t expect him to just think about me either. That said, I avoid thinking about anyone I know IRL and I’ve asked him the same.
2) This would bother me. IDK if it’s better that he’s being super honest? Tell him you are hurt by the idea. But unless you have other issues, I’d let sleeping dogs lie. It isn’t an issue right now and he might feel very differently in the future. Intimacy is not necessarily PIV – and I can see how zero intimacy would be hard.
Anon says
Number 1 seems like NBD – I’m pretty sure 99% of men (including my DH) watch p0rn while self-gardening, and that’s even more than “thinking” about other women, it’s actually watching other women. It wouldn’t bother me unless he was communicating with real live women, like cam girls or something like that.
Number 2… oof that would be harder for me. I agree as a rule it’s not worth getting worked up about hypotheticals but that would be a really hard thing for me to hear. Though, full disclosure, DH and I have not successfully P-in-V gardened in over a year (I had a rough delivery and still have a ton of pain down there) so I would take a statement like that way more personally than most other women probably would. We do engage in other forms of intimacy.
Anon says
Number one is normal and fine, in my opinion. Ouch on number 2. Does he care about having a sense of personal integrity? I would be thrown by that as well. Not smart or kind of him to say because it only causes worry.
Anonymous says
+1 not smart or kind of him to say it, but I don’t think it’s a smart conversation to have. It’s kind of a trap of a question. Like “Would you still want to garden with me if I gained 300lbs next year”? Like you’re a jerk if you say no but you’re lying if you say yes.
IHeartBacon says
+Infinity. Some questions just shouldn’t get asked.
ElisaR says
eek. i don’t want to have these conversations with my husband. Does that mean I’m ignorant? Ignorance is bliss.
Anonymous says
No, it means you are smart. Not that OP isn’t but some thoughts should be kept to ourselves. I don’t need to know every little bitty thing in DHs brain.
IHeartBacon says
“… but some thoughts should be kept to ourselves.”
+Infinity.
Lana Del Raygun says
Both of these would bother me a lot! I honestly don’t think “how much it would hurt me and that our marriage and life is too good to mess up by acting on it” is a strong enough motivation for not cheating — it’s totally contingent on the current quality of your life and marriage, so if that dropped below whatever arbitrary standard he’s set in his head (including a certain gardening frequency), he WOULD cheat. What about, like, principles? Vows? Integrity? Thinking about other women while he’s getting off (including p0rn) is already a kind of unfaithfulness. I’m really sorry.
Irish Midori says
A little random, but if you have audible, check out one of the free July picks, _Proof of Love_. It’s kind of a short story (maybe an hour?), and it’s a monologue by a woman talking to her comatose husband about the affair she just discovered he’s having. It was really good and gets thinky about relationships and infidelity.
Overwhelmed from Yesterday says
Last night I was really thinking about the comments everyone wrote (outsourcing more, getting more childcare, etc.) and feeling like I had a solid plan for conquering this week.
AAAND then my MIL (who is lovely) calls. Husband’s quirky aunt is apparently in town, has been helping my BIL and SIL for a week with their little kids and they want me to come with the kids for dinner. So tomorrow I’m picking up the kids from daycare, driving the hour in rush hour traffic to my in-laws’ house, eating dinner and making sure Quirky Aunt’s demonic lapdog doesn’t bite the kids, and figuring out how the heck my dog is going to get walked and cared for.
WHY DID I AGREE?? Answer: because there is no way for me to gracefully say ‘are you out of your mind? I need time to myself!’
Anonymous says
Oof that sounds rough. I probably would have said “Sorry, we can’t make it this time. Weekdays are just too hard with work and kids. Hope to see Quirky Aunt next time she’s in town!”
Irish Midori says
Ugh, yes. “Sorry, but maybe on the weekend?” I mean, she’s there for a whole week?
I talk a big game, but I’d have done what you did–agree because I’m nice and like to keep the peace, and then kind of resent it. Sorry. Hope it goes well.