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There are so many toys in my home. When my son was a baby, I definitely thought, “Oh, everyone said the toys would take over my house but I’m doing such a great, minimalist job!” Ha! In effort to corral the little plastic planes, trains, and automobiles, I bought this little trunk at IKEA. When you buy it, it’s flat and fabric with cardboard (?) inside. It was cheap, large, and cute, and I just chuck all the toys in it. It comes in different versions and colors for a few different price points, but this red one that I have and recommend is $9.99. Flyttbar Toy Trunk
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Sleep help! says
Can anyone recommend a sleep consultant (either in DC or that works remotely) who can help with two kids in a two bedroom apartment? CIO worked awesomely with our first, who’s a fantastic but light sleeper but last night we threw in the towel and declared CIO a failure with our second — we have no clue where to go from here and would like some professional guidance from someone who is supportive of CIO but can help us get on track. Thanks! I’m desperate so any recommendations are much appreciated.
SBJ says
I’ve used Baby Sleep Science and highly recommend. It’s all phone consultations, you can schedule online, and they have some great online resources, too. I’ve worked with Kiri but I’ve heard great things about Meg and Erin, too. Juliet is new since I used them. They do an extensive survey before the call so they know where you’re coming from. I found them very open all methods of sleep help-not trying to push one over the other, but focused on finding what works for you and your kid while being sleep-science based. Hope that helps!
https://www.babysleepscience.com/
AIMS says
We have this one and the larger, gray one. The larger gray is a bit hard to move because its too soft to be picked up by the handle reliably but it’s great for storing ALL the legos. This one we use to keep little trains/train set pieces corralled & it is perfect for the task. It just looks so happy sitting there. Highly recommend!
Speaking of recommendations, I had no idea these things existed but I got a foldable toddler potty seat and it has made going out with my kid so much easier. It takes up no room and weighs nothing, and I love that it adds a layer of protection for public bathrooms, too, because invariably contact happens no matter how we try to avoid. I can’t find our exact one but it’s basically like this: https://www.buybuybaby.com/store/product/ginsey-sesame-street-folding-travel-potty-seat/1014907467?keyword=foldable-toilet-seat
Anonymous says
Just curious what diseases you think you get from a toilet seat?
Lawyermom says
I will assume this was not a snarky response and in fact a genuine question. However to clarify, they didn’t say diseases. She said it helps avoid contact with public toilets. With a child that likely means their hands touching all over the seat or bowl and inevitably someone else’s pee. Or worse the kids butt could slide into the bowl as the seats are designed for adults not children. Just because you feel comfortable with your child touching such surfaces some of us are grossed out by that and so if there is a simple product that makes us feel comfortable what is wrong with using it? Thank you for the recommendation!!
Anonymous says
I assumed OP meant trying to avoid dirt as most public bathrooms are not exactly clean.
We had a foldable potty seat and it was 100% useful for when kids worried about falling into public toilets.
Anonymous says
Hmm. Respectfully, the portable toilet seat definitely grosses me out. When I take my three year old to a public restroom, I hold her on the seat so that she doesn’t have to touch it with her hands. But the thought of using my hands to put on/take off a toilet seat which then goes into a bag or purse that I dig my hands in all the time (even if it is in its own resealable bag) is disgusting. This would lead to way more touching seats and germs with hands that then touch food, faces, mouths, noses, eyes, etc. (yes, I do wash my hands after the bathroom, but not after ever time I dig in my diaper bag or purse that this device would be hanging out in). That provides way more opportunity for germ and general grossness transfer than just letting a butt touch a toilet seat.
My hunch is that devices like these were intended for travel to a weekend at Grandma’s. Not trips to Target and the grocery store.
Anonymous says
I don’t have a problem with my kids sitting on visibly clean public toilet seats, even if I have to do a quick swipe with toilet paper to make sure they’re dry, but I wished I had something like this in a particularly gross porta-john recently. 2 year old boy has not mastered aiming while standing, and 4 year old girl is obviously too short to squat over a full-sized toilet. Pee everywhere, yay! Of course, I’m not sure I’d want to put the foldable seat back in my bag after it comes in contact with a porta-john seat, either.
Anonymous says
I carried it in a large ziploc in my purse and used wet wipes to wipe it off quickly before folding and bagging.
Anonymous says
We used the Potette, which can also be used freestanding as a tiny portable potty chair. Hygiene concerns aside, my son hated almost refused to sit on big public toilet seats when he was training, so it was a lifesaver.
Anonymous says
I always thought carrying around a dirty toilet seat that had been sitting on top of a public toilet seat seemed grosser than just letting the kid sit on the actual toilet. Do you carry sanitizing wipes and clean the portable seat off after every use before you pack it up?
Anon says
Same.
Anonymous says
That assumes your kid will actually sit on the seat vs. just refuse to sit until they pee in their pants. I’ll take a foldable seat in a large ziploc (that I clean regularly just like the potty seat at home) over pee accidents in public bathrooms.
Anonymous says
Ha ha, fair point.
Anonymous says
Yeah, we had it not for hygiene reasons but to stand in for a potty when none was available (like at a park – we live in NYC and often spend all day far from home on the weekend) or when son was afraid to sit on a normal, big toilet. It was a short time period when it was useful, but it was very useful for us.
When I didn’t have the Potette with me and son would not sit on a toilet I found I could sit on the toilet with him in front of me, between my legs, and he would go.
AIMS says
I usually have mine in a bigger bag that goes in my bag, I wash it when I get home which is fairly easy and change out/wash the bag as needed. Its not ideal, obviously, but as others have noted not all kids will use a public toilet and my daughter has never been able to not touch something way worse when I just try to hold her or when she sits without it (the latter because I think she gets scared she’ll fall in and tries to get leverage by holding everything and anything). Obviously you try to avoid really gross surfaces, but for going to a restaurant, this has been super helpful. I get that it’s not for everyone, but it has vastly improved our situation.
Amelia Bedelia says
My two toddler daughters are bi-racial, and I’m at a loss on sun protection. Their father claims they don’t need sunscreen, because the darker skin will not burn so long as they aren’t in the sun more than 4 hours at a time. I must admit, he’s been correct in that so far. But I struggle with the risks of skin cancer, even with their darker skin. (I follow a Latina/African-American dermatologist blogger on Instagram and she constantly reminds followers that dark-skinned people can indeed have skin cancer!) I dress them a lot in long-sleeved rash guards when we go to the beach, but would really like a “daily” sun protection for them now that summer has hit and they are outside so much.
So, my question is regarding choice. my sunscreen (I’m pretty pasty white) ends up making the girls look caked in chalk. it doesn’t blend into their skin. Do any of my wise corporette moms have recommendations for sunscreen for darker skinned babies? I’d love a real recommendation rather than just plucking one off amazon! bonus points if it is natural, as my four year old has very sensitive skin and seems to break out after I apply my sunscreen.
Anonymous says
No recommendations, but following as another pasty white mom of a biracial toddler :).
anon says
Only semi related, but there was just an article in the Washington Post about how black people don’t have the same skin cancer concerns that white people do and that there isn’t really evidence that sunscreen will prevent skin cancer in black people (but it does help with other sun based concerns, i.e. wrinkling, freckling, etc.) – https://www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-science/in-rare-occasions-dark-skinned-people-can-get-skin-cancer-but-sunscreens-wont-help/2019/05/24/539daf8c-7b0d-11e9-8bb7-0fc796cf2ec0_story.html?utm_term=.446cfeb81702
Anonymous says
This is ridiculous. I say that as a dark mother with a white husband and a pale but distinctly brown child.
Apply sunscreen to your child every two hours regardless of their skin.
Anon says
I don’t know if this is supported by evidence, but I read somewhere that dark-skinned people actually get skin cancer at pretty high rates because they don’t think they need sunscreen and don’t use it. My Indian-American friend doesn’t use sunscreen on her kid (we live in Southern California), and I admit I sideye it a little bit, even though he never seems to burn.
Anonymous says
If it helps we use All Good kids butter stick for sunscreen.
Amelia Bedelia says
thanks!
Anonymous says
No, he’s an idiot, they absolutely need sunscreen and so does he. If it’s white and not rubbing in try a chemical instead of physical sunscreen.
Anonymous says
+1 – (not to he’s an idiot – no opinion on that) – zinc oxide is bright white and is used as a white pigment in paint. It is hard to disguise. A chemical-based sunscreen would probably work better. The easiest to rub in zinc sunscreen I have used is Blue Lizard, but I am white.
BabyBoom says
It isn’t natural, but I use coppertone water babies on my mixed race toddlers. It blends in and it goes on easy. I have tried using other kid sunscreens, but they don’t blend in. I use the CP babies for daily application, and at the pool/beach/zoo. Neither kid has had an adverse reaction. I see that coppertone now makes a “pure simple” mineral based version, but I haven’t tried it.
Amelia Bedelia says
thanks – i’ll try!
Anon says
As a pasty-white mom with sensitive skin of a pasty white toddler, we both use mineral sunscreens (my skin flares in response to chemical sunscreens unfortunately). And mineral sunscreens tend to leave chalky white residue. We like the neutrogena baby lineup (for me and her), but if you don’t rub it in it will look chalky. Other moms I know swear by Blue Lizard baby, and I have also heard good things about la roche posay’s mineral sunscreen being not chalky, but it is just so expensive and we need so much sunscreen so I haven’t been able to go there.
Anon says
Have you tried ThinkBaby? It goes on very smoothly.
Anonymous says
We use ThinkBaby. I agree it goes on smooth and works great. But it still leaves some white residue behind. At least with the amount of rubbing in that my three year old allows.
For my two cents, I’d probably find a dark-skinned dermatologist to see about this and get his/her recommendations.
Anonymous says
Physical sunscreens usually contain zinc oxide which is white and intended to sit on the surface of the skin to prevent harmful UV rays from penetrating the skin. Chemical sunscreens contain ingredients that are intended to be rubbed into and absorbed by the skin, and don’t leave a whitecast. Physical sunscreens are generally considered safer for children. You can buy tinted physical sunscreens (Badger Balm makes one) that reduces the whitecast.
Amelia Bedelia says
ooh – thanks!
KC says
I use BabyGanics spray sunscreen on my very fair-skinned kid. It’s a combination of chemical and mineral sunscreen filters, so it’s semi-whitening, but the formula is thin and very spreadable. He hates a full-mineral sunscreen because I have to take too long to rub it in.
anon says
I use babyganics spray on my biracial toddlers and agree it’s the best of both worlds (mineral and chemical).
Signed, a WOC
Amelia Bedelia says
excellent!
anon says
my 12 month old twins eat dinner at 5:30 and they usually do a pretty good job eating and finish up around 6. and they are eating pretty balanced meals – protein is usually their favorite. suddenly at 6:30, they are starving for their bottles of milk. how can they possibly be so hungry just half an hour later? i will say that this week we just switched from formula to milk. but why don’t they eat more at meals if they are so hungry? can anyone share a schedule for a 1 year old. mine are still on 2 naps. they have 5-6 ounces of milk around 7am, breakfast at 8am, then 4 ounces when they wake up from their first nap around 11am, lunch around noon, and then 4 ounces when they wake up from their second nap at 3:15, dinner at 5:30 and then 5-6 ounces at 6:30.
HSAL says
Are they doing milk with dinner? I would try giving them sippies with milk at dinner to start. Mine will be 1 next month and we started giving them their milk sippies with meals a couple weeks ago. They still nurse at 6:30-7, but I can already tell they’re taking less from me since they’re getting more with dinner (but they still aren’t very good at them).
anon says
our ped said to offer milk separately than dinner so that they don’t fill up on milk and not eat any food, so they are not having milk with dinner yet
ElisaR says
is milk part of bedtime routine? This is a totally uninformed opinion so take it with a grain of salt….. but it sounds like they are ready for bed. At 12 months 6:30 was bedtime for my guy and he would let us know by wanting his milk desperately.
lsw says
My son stalls bedtime for suddenly asking for all foods he likes in order. So +1 for thinking it might be less about hunger and more about bedtime.
Anonymous says
+1 Our toddler still tells us he’s ready for bedtime by heading for the fridge to get his milk.
Anonymous says
It’s hard for 1 year olds to eat too much at one sitting. Small frequently meals/snacks generally work best. Even at age 4 my twins eat a snack (bowl of cereal/cut up apple/banana/toast with pb) as soon as we get in the door at 5:30/5:45. Then I start cooking and we all eat dinner at 6:30/6:45pm. They usually also ask for dessert (piece of fruit) around 7:30pm.
Anon says
My 1 year old is on a similar schedule, but also gets a morning and afternoon snack. And make sure they’re also getting water.
Anonymous says
Please give me all of your surviving summer as a pregnant lady with a toddler. Baby is due in late July and I live in the DC area. Already struggling with this heat, like walking from car to the door. Thankfully I don’t tend to swell during pregnancy and haven’t yet. I always have ice water but I just feel so out of breath and tired on the really hot days!
CHL says
I was pregnant one of the years where we broke heat records! Biggest tip – slow down. There’s just no way around it sometimes – I used to walk the half mile up hill from train to my office, and started waiting for a riding the bus. I felt kind of silly but it made a huge difference. Get an anti-chafing stick (lots of different brands). Wear dresses. Eat ice cream every day… Wear supportive shoes even if they are not super-appropriate. Elevate your feet. Sit in a kiddie pool (or tepid bathtub). You’re almost there!
ElisaR says
ice cream and elevated feet for sure! also I would just fill up a the baby pool and/or water table in the driveway and sit on a chair while toddler would exhaust himself.
apples says
+1 icecream. Lady at Mango still recognizes me, baby was born last August.
Emily S. says
I had a baby at the end of August in VA, so I feel your pain! Slow down is good advice. Wear sleeveless dresses (for the airflow) and Birkenstocks anytime you have to walk. Ban Cooling Wipes actually help cool you down and feel refreshed (I made a bathroom pit stop to use them after walking from my parking deck to my office.) Definitely a baby pool when you can! Popsicle time with my toddler was one of my favorite things about expecting in the summer: it was a teeny bonding moment we had together and popsicles are just darned delicious in summer heat.
Govtattymom says
Omg, I feel you! My daughter was born in August in DC, and it was miserable. I honestly felt like I was running a fever at all times. The upside is that fall is the perfect time for maternity leave. You will have lovely crisp weather for leisurely walks with the stroller. Just drink lots of smoothies until the baby comes!
dc anon says
I’ve been there – daughter was almost 3 when baby#2 was born in August. My tip – go to the pool and spray parks. I would sit in the shade at a spray park and wet my feet while kiddo would run around and splash.
Spirograph says
I have a late August baby and lived in DC, too, so ALL the empathy.
Pool as often as possible, whether it’s a “real” pool or a kiddie pool in your yard. Even if I only dipped my feet in the kiddie pool, it felt relaxing. Look into those cooling gel neck things that you put in the freezer or fridge. They won’t drip on your clothes, and feel great if you have to be outside for any length of time.
Anon says
Early august baby in Virginia (but no toddler) – my solution was just to never go outside except for the short garage walk in and out of my office and our air conditioning bills that summer were ridiculous because I needed the house around 65 to not be sweating – while my husband was bundled up like an eskimo. Dresses were cooler for me than anything else. Highly recommend all of the pool time. Also get everything you can delivered (including groceries) so it’s one less trip out of doors. I would on occasion wrap a few ice cubes in a paper towel and put it on the pulse point on my wrist at the office.
GCA says
I had kid 2 last August and am in Boston, so not as bad as DC but definitely still humid. All the popsicles and all the spray parks. I also used to take kid 1 to the pool after daycare once or twice a week, and go get a sandwich or burrito for dinner afterwards. (Things that are much easier with 1 kid: solo parenting at the pool.)
anon says
tips for brushing a 1 year old’s teeth who will not open her mouth and closes it tighter when she sees the toothbrush?
anonanon says
Haha, that pretty much sums up what parenting is like sometimes! So much more challenging than you would think. Sorry, no advice, but I’m sure others will have some.
Cb says
I brush my teeth at the same time. I also have my son bare his teeth like a tiger and open wide like a crocodile. If you do screens, could you let her watch a video of trucks or something for 2 minutes? That’s what I do for nail clipping.
rosie says
Bribe with youtube videos (Elmo toothbrushing song, others…)
Let them do it themselves and then you take a turn
Brush at the same time as you
Anonymous says
I read somewhere (probably on here, which is the source of 90% of my parenting) to let them brush your teeth while you brush theirs– it got my daughter to lose focus on clamping and she was also happier to mirror me and open her mouth when I opened mine.
Anonymous says
We do this too. But we really had to hold my daughter down while the other person brushed her teeth from ages 1-2. Not pleasant but it’s just part of parenting. We also tried “hunting for kitties/dogs/horses” with limited success. It’s only gotten easier after age 2
FVNC says
“(probably on here, which is the source of 90% of my parenting)” — ha, very much yes.
anon. says
I don’t give my kid a choice of whether to brush, but say “Time to brush!” Then ask him if he wants “trains” or “lions” and then proceed to choo choo or roar the entire time I brush his teeth. This has expanded to saying rhymes he likes from books and now that he talks it’s even crazy specific (“Tonight I want an excavator!”). It is ridiculous but has worked on him. Worth a try.
blueberries says
Someone here advised “looking for bunnies” with the toothbrush and finding different colored ones. Worked for us for awhile.
ElisaR says
yes that “looking for bunnies” advice was golden – thank you to whoever posted it a long time ago! it has evolved for us with my son shouting “no deer!” “no squirrels!” but he plays along and let’s me look inside for various animals while I brush.
AnotherAnon says
This is an odd recommendation, but my 2 y/o refused to open his mouth/let me brush his teeth for a long time. He came home from grandma’s one weekend and will now brush his own teeth and let me brush them. She said she just “made it fun” and he was suddenly compliant and interested. Maybe try that? My mom hardly ever keeps my son overnight so maybe taking the pressure off did it? I have no idea.
Anonymous says
+1000 but because my MIL is a dental hygienist. Brushing teeth was always better after she visited
IHeartBacon says
Time to Sleep Sheep the Sheep by Mo Willems has a character that brushes her teeth as part of the bedtime routine. The character’s name is Giraffe the Giraffe. Your 1 y.o. may be too young for the book, but we tell our one year old to “open wide like Giraffe the Giraffe.” We also mention all the other characters and what they do as we go through his bedtime routine. For example, when my LO is done with his bath, I’ll excitedly say, “You just took a bath like Pig the Pig took a bath! Now let’s go brush your teeth like Giraffe the Giraffe brushes her teeth!” Sometimes it works like a charm; other times he tolerates it with mild amusement. Sometimes all I can say it, “I will not let this break me.”
Anon says
I’ve been known to flip my kiddo upside down to do it. I’ve also been known to (gently) tackle her on the floor to do it, but she has some teeth issues that make brushing even more important than it would otherwise be. Now at almost 2 she accepts it as normal and I more or less make the “aaaaa” sound the whole time I’m doing it to get her to open her mouth further and let her play with whatever bathroom toy she wants while I brush her. Llama Llama Wakey Wake also has teeth brushing (not sure if nighty night does) so we pretend brush with a finger when we read that too.
Em says
I tried everything above and the only thing that worked was getting an electric toothbrush (on the advice of a friend of mine with 3 kids). Worked like a charm and my son is now 3 and we have not had a single issue with brushing since then.
Pogo says
+1, I use a combination of the above and bought him a kid’s electric toothbrush (I think also because we have electric toothbrushes he sees us doing it). He still fights it, but mostly because it’s a game to him (in the morning – let me run away while mommy tries to chase me in her heels! and then I can spit toothpaste on her dress! mwhahaha; at night – I don’t want to go to bed! chase me around the room while I giggle maniacally!). So I work on being very calm, not chasing him, not making a big deal out of it, and brushing mine (or a doll’s) at the same time. It’s a daily struggle.
IHeartBacon says
I use an electric toothbrush as well…and flip him upside down by sitting him on my legs and letting him lean backwards.
Anon says
So I want to post what my dad did with us growing up but every time I go to write it, it sounds mean. I swear, he did it in a fun, loving way! We used to think it was hysterical that he could make us open our mouths by holding our noses. So if we didn’t want to open our mouth he would do a “gotcha nose” thing until we did. He wouldn’t immediately stick a tooth brush in or medicine in or whatever but just show us that he could “make” open our mouths. Then in the future when we had our mouth shut for something he’d be like “don’t make me get your nose!” and since we knew he could make us open our mouth, we would just open it.
529 says
What’s your opinion on 529 plans? Are you using one to save your child’s college expenses?
I’ve heard they are great because you save on taxes, but they can also have high fees, and then if your child doesn’t go to college, you can’t access the money in the way you had planned.
I’ve heard of some parents who create a custodial investment account in their child’s name instead. Not sure of all the pros and cons but am interested to hear your viewpoints!
anon says
I’ll chime in about the custodial accounts–it is probably better to just save in a designated account in YOUR name. Custodial accounts become the child’s at a very young age (18-21 depending on your state) and I generally suggest to parents that they use them only for small amounts–more like a checking account than a savings account.
The exception to this rule is if you are wealthy–$5m household wealth and up, which is quite possible on this board. In that case, please ask your estate planning attorney. If you hired a cheap one or used some terrible online form (sorry, snark from the resident estate planning attorney), find a better one. Your wills should probably be redone to accommodate your wealth. Once they are done well, they likely don’t need to be touched for 10 to 20 years.
529 accounts are okay–they have good tax savings attributes–but have drawbacks too. I usually send my clients to their investment advisors for more detailed analysis about how to save for certain life events. Also–save for your retirement first!! You can borrow for college (or your kids can borrow themselves) but you cannot borrow to finance your retirement.
ElisaR says
this is all good advice. I would say yes, contribute to a 529 but don’t contribute too much. It should be a portion of education expenses. The fees aren’t really that high, if you are really worried you can choose an index option that has lower fees but really they’re not that crazy high.
another factor for 529 is your state of residence. Some states give you a write off for contributing. Mine doesn’t but I still contribute bc the earnings will be tax-free when I take them out to pay for school.
apples says
I have one for my kid. They vary a lot by state so you can search out an option with lower fees. We ended up going with our state plan (IL) but it was changed a few years ago to be better. People with older children often have one from another state.
Anon says
We live in a state with a tax credit for 529 plans, so we contribute that amount ($5k/year). Also having the 529 open has been nice, because some relatives have contributed to it. I’m not sure they would have been comfortable giving us cold hard cash (we would never spend it if we were instructed to save it for college, but I think some relatives like the peace of mind of a 529 plan). Otherwise, we expect to finance college out of other savings, and realistically we could probably just pay for even a private school out of current income (since we’ll still be working and our expenses will be low since our house will be paid off).
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
We have one but I’m always really surprised how inflexible they are. My parents had a similar but slightly better product in the 90’s (then called Texas Tomorrow Fund) for my brother and I that they told us about in elementary school and made sure we monitored/they updated us on so we knew how our college would be funded, so I think that was part of why we opted for the 529.
You can use them for private high school and a few other things under the recent tax cut plan. Plus there are marginal tax benefits if you choose your state’s plan.
A custodial investment account is probably WAY more flexible and can likely be used for anything – there are so many good funds out there, would be a good choice.
Anon says
We contribute to the state-run plan (lower fees than the broker-run plan) in the amount that gets us a state tax credit (cap of $4K a year). The rest will either come from income (since we expect to be still working and the house is expected to be paid off by then) or grandparent inheritance.
Anonymous says
I have 3 kids. We contribute about $10k/year to our 529s (combined) and that has been increasing as they get older. We have one in each kid’s name but it’s only for family gifting purposes. Our plan is to be able to fully fund the equivalent of ONE college education via 529. The chances that 0/3 of our kids will ever pursue higher education is very slim. We have savings in a non-529 account for college purposes and also can afford to bankroll a good portion of it as things get closer. Whatever we can’t cover the kids can borrow for, or go elsewhere. It is also possible that they will inherit some money from DH’s parents that will cover a semester or two each, but we are of course not counting on that.
anon says
I’m a huge 529 fan! Tax-free growth and tax-free withdrawals (assuming you use it for qualified expenses). Not only is it nice to save on taxes, but we also don’t have to file tax returns for the kids as we would in a taxable investment account over a fairly low threshold of income, saving accounting fees (that would eat up much of the growth).
If I over-save for the kids (scholarships, different plans), I’ll likely let it grow for the grandkids (if any).
That said, make sure you save for retirement and emergencies before putting substantial amounts in a 529. The old chestnut about loans being available for school, but not for retirement.
Anon says
Morningstar rates various states’ plans, and some have low fees. Your library may have a subscription you can use to access the ratings.
You don’t have to use your state’s plan (although you may want to if they give you tax breaks). I live in VA and use the VA 529 system because it’s gold rated by Morningstar and gives me tax benefits.
I think the ‘what if your kid doesn’t go to college’ fears are oversold. 529 money can be used at many training programs, and can be transferred to another family member. And if you really don’t need to use the 529 on educational expenses, the penalty is just paying taxes on eanings + a 10% tax penalty on those earnings. The 10% tax penalty is real, but I think overall it’s not a bad risk for most people.
So Anon says
My state has a matching grant program, so I put in only what is required to get the matching grant. For a few years, contributions were deductible on my state’s taxes, but that went away a few years ago. One major upside is that I have encouraged the grandparents to contribute in lieu of large holiday gifts.
Anonymous says
So our plan is a bit different. We had our baby while I was in grad school, and for the first few years of her life we were just barely making ends meet and couldn’t afford to save outside of retirement. Now that we theoretically could afford to put money in a 529, college is close enough that it doesn’t make sense to risk that money in the market.
Our strategy has always been to prioritize tax-advantaged retirement savings and to get ourselves in a position where we’ll be able to cash-flow college out of current income. The idea is that while the kid is in school, we’ll live off my husband’s income and use mine to pay for college. Now, instead of putting aside separate savings for college, we pay for all major expenses (cars, home improvements, etc.) in cash so we won’t have loan payments while she’s in college and will have more income available to put towards tuition. If disaster strikes, she can do what I did and get through college on scholarships and Pell grants.
Anon says
That makes sense to me. We do save for college but honestly I laugh about it when people ask me how we will pay for college. Childcare is SO expensive these days that I feel like a lot of people can just divert the money they currently put toward childcare towards college, and they won’t even need any savings. We pay our nanny $65,000/year. Pretty sure that’s more than Harvard costs.
ElisaR says
that’s probably about what Harvard costs.
ElisaR says
i should say that’s about what harvard costs today. When my kid is ready for college….. who knows since increases in education costs are higher than inflation.
Anon says
Right, but we also spend ~$40k/year on a mortgage that we won’t have when our kids are college age (barring disaster).
anon says
Wow. I pay $10,000 a year for daycare, but it’s probably safe to say I earn way less than you do too. Everyone’s situation is so different.
Anon at 12:28 says
When I was in grad school, my tuition cost less than day care.
Anon says
Even $10k is tuition at a lot of very good public universities.
Emily S. says
I think your talking about 529 investment accounts and not 529 pre-paid plans, so my answer is for the investment account: Mr. S. and I vehemently disagree about it. I am all about it but he isn’t. We compromised on a dedicated index fund. I just needed to see some money being saved for college bc according to a Vanguard calculator, when my 4 yo is 18, a good, in-state, 4 year degree program will cost $200k. Yikes stripes. So we are planning to front load an investment account with $25k and then $1k per month until both kids are done with school. I think that 529s are generally smart and I wanted one, in part, to allow grandparents to contribute in lieu of stuff (they’ve volunteered!) but really, after taking care of your emergency fund and retirement, any vehicle in which you save for your kids is useful.
Anonymous says
Inspired by the folding potty seat comment above, at what age can toddlers just use a regular toilet? We tried one at the grocery with our 2two-year-old last week and she would have totally fallen through if we hadn’t held her (and was freaked out by the whole experience).
AwayEmily says
Probably depends on the kid. Ours stopped using it most of the time around 2.5, though still likes to have one for her evening poop (understandable given that she sometimes sits on there for ten minutes reading).
Anon says
We trained at 2.5 and never used anything except a regular toilet.
Anonymous says
I think it’s very kid-dependent.
One toilet in our house has an integrated optional kid-sized seat the flips down over the regular one, and my 2 year old refuses it. He likes to hold onto the sides and balance himself, and has nearly fallen in more than once when he gets distracted or hops up too quickly, but it does not seem to bother him after the initial OOPS! moment. He’s a big kid (both literally at 90+ percentile, and in his own mind) and has always preferred to use the regular seat.
Em says
For public toilets we just put our son on sideways (so the opening is smaller) and have since he was 2 1/2. He won’t go #2 in a toilet yet, so no advice on that.
Anonymous says
My kids were fully potty trained at 2.5 and used a normal toilet. They really only used child seats/potty seats for the first few months of potty training. At home we have the child seats that are built into the adult seat and flip down- my 2 y/o never uses it anymore.
Emily S. says
+1 to being kid dependent. It seems to also be dependent on when they have a first bad experience on a toilet outside of home: closer to starting training seems to mean that they are scared of toilets for a good while after that, but if they nearly fall in a few months after training, the scar heals more quickly. For us, it was somewhere between 3 and 3.5 that DD didn’t need the seat on top of the regular toilet anymore. We trained on a regular toilet, too, but used the Bjorn seat for about 1 -1.5 years.
Legally Brunette says
My son has had the same Montessori teacher for the last 3 years and I want to get her something meaningful for the end of the year. She has been an absolutely incredible teacher, going way above and beyond for my son. We are already giving a cash gift, but I want to give something else. One idea I was thinking to give her a framed picture of the two of them and have my son write her a letter to her.
Other ideas?
anon in brooklyn says
I think that a really sincere, specific thank you note from you about all she has done for your son is always good too. Everyone likes to feel that what they do is noticed and appreciated.
AwayEmily says
+1 — start making a list of all the things she has done for him (stories he’s told you, ways you’ve noticed her being extra attentive to the kids, special activities she planned) and then work them into the letter. It helps to work on generating the list slowly — I often find that if i try to do it all at once I can’t remember anything.
Anon says
Admittedly I’m kind of a minimalist and I’d be curious to hear opposing thoughts from teachers (I’m not) but I don’t know about the framed photo? I’m just thinking she probably wouldn’t put it up at school (would that look weird to the other parents to have a frame of just her and one kid up?) but I also wonder if she’d want to put it up in her house? (No offense to her relationship with your kid, I’m sure it’s lovely, but she has lots of kids multiplied by lots of years…) Yet it’s the type of thing she will feel the need to hang on to…I don’t know.
The heartfelt letter is great! We’ve also given gift certificates to coffee shops/lunch places in the immediate vicinity of the school and fancy candies.
Kart says
Totally agree — a letter is perfect — small, easy to keep, nothing she will feel obligated to display. If you want to slip a photo of the two of them into the letter, that works too, but please don’t frame it.
Irish Midori says
Random comment: I cannot get behind the jumpsuit trend, and you know what’s worse? Maternity jumpsuits. Just no.
ElisaR says
haha, i kind of love it. I mean not enough to actually buy one, but I love it on other people.
AwayEmily says
same. I had to pee SO often while pregnant I can’t imagine wearing anything that made it more difficult, but good for people who can!
lsw says
As a Tall I was already having problems fitting into bathroom stalls while pregnant and I can’t even IMAGINE doing it and then needing to somehow remove a jumpsuit. Re: overalls, I dropped the straps into the toilet when I was a non-pregnant high schooler so that’s a non-starter. So cute on others though, ha!
Anon says
I love it! It’s like the new maternity overalls.
AnotherAnon says
I recently bumped into a friend from HS and she was wearing a mat jumpsuit. My rxn was: she looks amazing in that and I could never pull it off.
Anonymous says
I love jumpsuits and I love the look of maternity ones. I actually think that you wear maternity clothes for such a short time it’s probably the best time to buy something trendy as opposed to clothes you can wear for years.
Anonymous says
Wearing a jumpsuit now. (Not maternity).
So Anon says
Agreed. I am going on a corporate retreat in September and one of the events is business casual, and the suggested attire for women included jumpsuits. I was honestly shocked.
avocado says
I was initially opposed to jumpsuits, but I’ve gotten used to the look and actually think maternity jumpsuits almost make more sense than non-maternity ones. In fact, I just bought myself a (non-maternity!) jumpsuit from Old Navy, which incredibly was available in a tall size that actually fit my long-waisted self.
It will be fun to see the looks on my family’s faces when they see me wear it for the first time. Husband will probably say, “hmm, that is …. fashiony.” Our 12-year-old will be horrified because she thinks jumpsuits are only for young, cool people.
Emily S. says
I’m with you. Good for her, not for me. (And I’ve tried.)
IHeartBacon says
Paging LittleBigLaw from yesterday in response to your question, “How do you reset your perspective and solider on when you feel crummy on all fronts?”:
When I find myself in a moment where I feel really overwhelmed/frustrated/put upon/guilty/etc because of all the obligations associated with having a full time profession and being a mom of a 2 y.o., I literally take a deep breath and then say out loud: “This moment is trying to break you. A lesser person would just throw in the towel. I will not be broken.”
It feels cheesy at first, but it really does help me soldier on…like on Memorial Day when I had to go into the office while everyone I knew was having barbecues with their family or friends.
LittleBigLaw says
Thank you! This is exactly what I meant – what are the affirmations you tell yourself to get out of a mental funk/guilty trip.
Thanks also to those who responded with encouragement yesterday. I’m in regional BigLaw with a preschooler and toddler and really appreciate this community of kickas$ moms so much. A pint of Ben&Jerry’s and especially this late-night response to my comment yesterday helped so much: ” things aren’t hard because I’m doing anything wrong, things are hard because I have a lot of responsibilities.” Onward and upward, Ladies :)
H13 says
I missed your original post but I wanted to chime in here and say that I also use mantras, many of which came from reading this board. I keep a list in a notes folder on my phone and refer to them often. A favorite right now is “patience and stamina” on repeat.
lsw says
I missed this post yesterday, but I’m about to write down that bit about responsibilities…super wise and hard to remember in the moment!
Timeline Help says
Just doing some semi-neurotic brainstorming and would love input. Here’s the deal. DH and I plan to move cities by year end/early 2020. The move will put us closer to family and in a larger, more diverse metro area. The facts:
1. He will be transferring offices, and traveling back to our current location about monthly
2. I plan to look for a new job (and I’m excited about a new opportunity and the challenges this bring).
3. We’ve also talked about trying for Kiddo #2 this Fall by “pulling the goalie” (e.g. not refilling my BC). DS is about 19 months right now. We got pregnant quickly, kind of on accident the first time, but at 36 with a toddler running around, not betting on that happening again.
4. At some point in early 2020, we’d be interested in looking to buy a house
Any thoughts on timelining any of this? Anyone have any experience from similar situations? Most confused about searching/starting for a new job while also thinking about expanding family.
Should also add that historically, transitions and changes are pretty stressful for our DH.
Kart says
My advice to those considering TTC is to always start trying sooner rather than later, if you’re basically ready and getting pregnant right away wouldn’t be a problem because, as you say, it might take awhile.
Anon says
We bought a house when we moved to a new city. I think the conventional wisdom is that you should rent in the new city for a year to figure out where you want to live. But I absolutely hate moving and wanted to just do one big city/house move instead of moving cities and then moving houses a year later. It worked out really well for us, although I realize it also could have gone the other way. Personally, I’d probably look for a new house/job when you move to this city at the end of the year, and assuming you find a job fairly quickly, wait ~6 months and then TTC. If you feel more pressure because of your age (though 36 is still relatively young) you could TTC 3 months into the job. I wouldn’t want to go on mat leave until I’d been at a job for a year, for practical reasons if nothing else (no FMLA protection).
Anon says
Combine the move and the house buying into one event, and do it as soon as you can (esp. since you have nearby family and should know the area well enough to make smart homebuying decisions). If your industry/job is one that gives parental leave, start looking for a new job now, pull goalie 4 months after starting new job for FMLA.
If you don’t get paid leave, (and can afford it) pull goalie now, and then quit your job when you move/buy house/have baby. It’ll suck (especially for your transition-hating husband), and you’ll be jobless for a few months, but it’ll all be done in one go. Then you’ll start fresh with a new job, with all the craziness of pregnancy/leave/move/house buying behind you.
Anonymous says
Do you not need maternity leave? That’s the biggest flaw I see in your timeline. You won’t have been at new job for a year most likely and probably won’t be eligible.
OP says
Thank you, all! Really helpful. My husband has been wanting to bundle the home/move together, and since we know the general area we want to live in I think that probably makes the most sense if we’re hitting the financial target. Since my next step career wise is likely a director-level(ish) position, I also would want a chance to establish myself before stepping out on any kind of leave.
I do need mat leave, but it’s actually mostly unpaid in my industry (business side of health care – the irony is not lost on me), unless you have been somewhere for a billion years and have accrued a thousand days of vacation.
I guess I feel pressure (of my own) to start thinking about #2 but I’ve also never been one to want kids super close in age. My sibling and I are ~6 years apart and very close. I guess the worry hinges on age and having a healthy conception and pregnancy, and I agree late 30’s is not maternally old (to me – my Mom had my sibling at almost 40, and this was back in the 80’s), and actually when I saw myself having kids generally. And the first year with DS wasn’t some blissful walk in the park, either – DH and I are still recovering (and enjoying a toddler a lot more than a newborn).
Maybe I’m feeling pressure because I feel like everywhere I look there are folks with 2-under-2 or 2-2-and-under. Which is funny because in my larger friend group, if folks even have kids, they are at most 2 or 3 in age.
Either way, thanks again for the input. Many pieces to manage, but thankfully all good ones so far.
Anon says
I feel ya on the peer pressure. My two best friends and I all had babies in spring 2018. They’re both pregnant again – one due this summer and one due in the fall. I can’t even imagine TTC again and I know that waiting is right for us, but it’s hard when you see everyone else doing the two-under-2 (or two under 1.5 in their cases!) thing.
OP says
Thank you so much for saying this!!!!!! Good to know we’re not alone. :)
Anonymous says
We know someone who pretended to return to work (staged photo op of a desk with flowers sent by husband etc and everything) after the birth of her second kid in three years. I quit Facebook shortly after that. Toxic.
Boston Legal Eagle says
2 under 3 is hard (that’s what I had when DS2 was born) and 2 under 2 is even harder, I imagine. Yes, you see the cute pics on social media of the sibs, but there is so much chaos behind the scenes, that I wouldn’t want to add when you’ll be dealing with a new city + new house + new job!! If you can wait a few months into 2020 to TTC when you’ll hopefully be settled, that’s what I would do. Of course, there is no ideal time to have a baby as something always comes up but you will be able to handle it.
AwayEmily says
So true about social media. as a parent of 2 under 2 (now thankfully 16m and 3), I posted a number of adorable photos of the two of them playing with each other, but those were deeply unrepresentative of the (largely stressful and chaotic) first year.
Anonymous says
I have a question about help that’s not help.
In-laws who I don’t get along with have moved to our town and insist on helping on their own terms. For example yesterday they wanted to babysit but only for two hours (meaning we had virtually no time to do dinner and anything else) and we had to bring the kid to and from their house (so date was 1.5 hours long).
Is there a polite way of telling someone that their help is more work than just paying a babysitter to come to my house etc?
Anonymous says
My parents are getting older and can only manage the kids for about 2 hours at a time. We manage this by having grandparents feed them dinner while we go out for dinner. If you go to a restaurant at 6pm, you can usually have time for dinner and be back for bedtime at 8pm. Another alternative is to ask the grandparents to come over after the kids are in bed so you can go out for a drink. Like 9-11pm. DH can pick up grandparent to bring them to your house while you get ready to go out.
It’s not as easy as with a paid sitter but we view paid sitters as additional to the grandparent support. Grandparent supported date dinner/nights are mostly about them getting to spend time together.
Anon says
I would mentally re-frame this not as free baby-sitting but instead as fostering the grandparent-grandchild relationship. If they want to babysit for 2 hours, that may not allow you to have a “date night” but it still gives you and DH some alone time, and gives the kid some valuable time with his or her grandparents. I would plan on a babysitter for big date nights, especially anything set in stone like theater tickets, but would still allow grandparents to babysit on their terms.
Anonymous says
I mostly agree with this, but I would not allow the grandparents to dictate all of the terms. In other words, I would not try to demand anything more than they are willing to give, but I also wouldn’t allow them to demand anything that creates a burden for you. So if the grandparents called up and said, “We want to babysit for two hours on Wednesday night,” I’d respond, “We’d love to have you spend some time with the kid, but weeknights are just too crazy for us. How about Saturday afternoon?”
Anon says
Oh I agree completely that it can’t be entirely on their terms. Just saying you shouldn’t cut them off from baby-sitting completely, even if they will only “babysit” in 2 hour increments.
Spirograph says
This. They’re not really offering to babysit, even if that’s the word they’re using. They’re saying, “we’d like to hang out with grandkid for a couple hours tomorrow, can you bring him/her over?” If you don’t mind them driving your child, it doesn’t hurt to ask if they could drive one way.
I’d be happy for an offer like this and use it to go for a long walk or run some errands with husband, get stuff done at home, or just veg without kids for a bit. If you have a particular date in mind, ask the grandparents if they can babysit on the terms you want. If they say no, you hire your own babysitter.
Anonymous says
This. Sometimes I use these times to get in an extra yoga class while DH goes for a run. Or I sit on the couch and eat spicy takeout while watching Bravo. Depends on what kind of day it was.
Anonymous says
No there is not a polite way to explain to them why their help isn’t helpful. There is a polite way to deal with this offer though, and that’s saying no. When they make an offer that isn’t helpful, “no thank you” is polite.
Anonymous says
+1 – Give up on them “getting it.” They are not going to change.
So Anon says
While 2 hours may not be enough for a full date-night, it is the perfect amount of time for quick dinner plus Target/home depot/store of your choice, or time to go to the gym. I would reframe it not as date-time, but a small chunk of kid-free time.
Anon says
Have your husband have the convo! I am always bemused by people who can’t be direct with their own family about things like this (especially if you’re the level of close that you trust them with your kids). I think it’s totally reasonable to say thanks for the offer, but we think dinner may run long/we want the kids in bed at home/etc so we are hiring a sitter, can we stop by and see you the next evening for a bit instead (or something like that, if you want to keep a relationship up).
Anonymous says
He refuses.
I mean, yesterday was my one evening out a week and I feel like it was wasted on my racist in-laws getting their way.
I won’t get another one and it was 1.5 hours long. Husband works fewer hours than me and gets more downtown. For example today he will go out with friends and watch the basketball game. I will work one job, then a second job, then back to first job and head home to look after kidlet.
We have a great regular sitter who likes the work and the hours and I could have had four basically and my kid could have stayed at home and been put to bed on time.
Argh I think I’m just still bitter from yesterday.
Anonymous says
So deal with your husband problems then.
Anonymous says
Well you just are a peach aren’t you.
Anon says
She’s not wrong though. Why are you blaming your in-laws for your husband letting you work two jobs with no time off while he heads out with friends and to baseball? It’s not unreasonable for grandparents to tap out at about two hours of baby-sitting or to not be strict about bedtime, and just because they can’t give you the date night of your dreams doesn’t make them terrible people or unworthy of visiting your child. You’re burned out and don’t have any time off – that’s a husband issue, not a grandparents issue.
Anonymous says
So hire the babysitter to put kid to bed tonight or next time DH goes out and then you can do your own thing? Grandparents are rarely great babysitters for a longer 4 hour block especially one involving tasks like bedtime.
Your life sounds quite busy so utilize them to get a break, but you will still need the paid sitter as well.
Anon says
Yeah the problem here is your husband, not his parents.
LittleBigLaw says
+1
Kart says
Well, that took a turn.
Anon says
We are in a similar boat (except that they always come to our house because their house is full of glass and white furniture) and use grandparents either for quick errands or one parent goes out and runs errand or does fun stuff and the other hangs around the house but gets stuff done (laundry, chores, working from home) while GP plays with kiddo. Now that kiddo is a very fast and very active toddler, GPs are also beginning to realize their own limitations. We don’t really have date nights other than weddings or work social functions (and we’re OK with that at this stage!), but for those types of longer events we don’t even tell the GPs about them and just hire our neighborhood high schooler. If the concern is night-driving, you could offer to let them spend the night at your house, although YMMV on whether you want that.
OP says
So yeah, appreciated the freedback here.
I didn’t think of if tbh as them wanting time with the kid and I think that’s the right way to think about it going forward. So for example if they want to take him for ice cream or something they can pick him up and do that.
I was just super annoyed because we had plans and would have hired our regular sitter but the grandparents supposedly insisted on caring for him and then they said at the last minute that they could only have him for about half the time we had expected. So we had to change plans and leave something very early.
Our kid has special needs that I don’t want to go into but moving him for 1.5 hours against schedule is a pain for other reasons as well. He does much better following his schedule and yesterday threw his internal clock off. Not really fair to him, he was expecting to stay home with a sitter he knows really well, not go on a random 90 minute visit with racist grandma.
And yeah, I suppose I should do something with husband but that’s a problem for another day.
Anonymous says
You mentioned the racism twice in follow up posts but not in the OP. You (perhaps very justifiably?) clearly don’t want your son spending time with these people. That’s a much bigger issue than the fact that the grandparents bailed and you had to end a date night early. You and your husband need to resolve the bigger issues ASAP, probably with the help of a counselor.
Anonymous says
My kid is white passing and it’s not something I have much perspective on since I’m not. TBH if he was darker I’m
fairly certain they wouldn’t have moved here and my life would be far more peaceful.
The grandparents dislike me for the reasons people typically dislike racialized immigrants-laziness, not clean enough, dislike cultural food etc. We add to that a lot of ignorance about disability and it’s just not a great situation.
I don’t have any doubt they complained to the whole family that I’m lazy for being upset they watched my kid for 2 hours instead of 4 because they typically do complain about anything I do. @_@
I checked in with them on Monday and they basically wouldn’t answer me about whether or not they would do the four hours (should have been a red flag) and then on Tuesday they abruptly asked us to pick up the kidlet in two hours after he was dropped off.
Anyway, going forward we’ve got a sitter set up for Wednesdays. I need a couple hours downtime a week even if some old white people don’t think I do. ;)
Anonymous says
Some old white People. And. Your husband.
Again, his parents are not the problem.
Anonymous says
Even if your in-laws are the nastiest, most racist people in the world, they’re not the fundamental cause of your lack of downtime. Grandparents don’t owe you childcare. If they’re constantly dropping by your house expecting you to cook for them and entertain them and impinging on your limited free time, that’s a problem (though, again, one that needs to be addressed through your husband since they’re HIS parents). But the fact that they wanted to return your son after having him for only two hours is not unreasonable and is not the cause of your burnout. Any babysitting they do is a favor to you, even if they’re terrible people. What IS the cause of your lack of downtime is your husband, who seems to be doing very little parenting. I can’t understand why you fail to see that your husband is the root of the problem. He is the one who is supposed to be your partner in parenting and he’s the one who actually owes you childcare and time off, unlike your in-laws.
Anonymous says
It seems like an awful lot to demand that grandparents you don’t even like watch a disabled child for four hours. You seem to be projecting a lot of anger that ought to be directed towards your husband onto his parents. If you think they’re racist and disagree with their values, you should actually be trying to limit your child’s exposure to them, not demanding that they babysit for you.
Anonymous says
Has anyone used the SNOO bassinet? Curious whether it lives up to the hype.
s anon says
Yes, it did for us. We loved it. However, we only have one child so have nothing to compare it to, so perhaps we just have a good sleeper.
Anonymous says
This is the exact comment everyone I know with a SNOO has given.
Ifiknew says
I just rented it for Kid 2 due in 4 days azfyer terrible sleep with dd1 so tbd
Anonymousey says
We didn’t use one, but my best friend did with her kid who was driving her up a wall and she said it was a miracle, but also that she was worried about the transition out of the Snoo since he was a tall kid due to outgrow it fairly quickly (was getting snug by 4 months).
fallen says
Parents with multiples- how do you give older kiddo enough quality time? I have an 11 month old and a 6 year old and I feel like I am constantly chasing after my 11 month old so I can’t do quality activities with my 6 year old unless there’s another adult in the house.
AwayEmily says
it helps to find some activities that they can “do” together (ie, we can all be playing in the same vicinity so I can keep the toddler safe, but I devote most of my attention to interacting with the older kid). For us the big ones are playing restaurant in the play kitchen, playing Duplos/Magnatiles, and going on walks. Basically, things you can do not at a table.
Anonymous says
I have kids 11 mos, 3 & 6. DH and I are mindful of doing 1:1 time, even if it’s boring: my 3 y/o comes to the grocery store with me, she gets to pick a special treat like lucky charms ;). My 6 y/o sometimes gets a manicure with me on weekends. I’ll take my 6 y/o and the baby to 6 y/o’s weekend activities and spend my sideline time playing 1:1 with the baby.
On weekends, DH bakes muffins with the 3 y/o who is our early bird. While baby naps and one adult is out with 3 y/o, we do 1:1 stuff with 6 y/o (legos, etc).
But the “all play together” is really the key. Outside time is great: big kids and little kids all love swings, water, slides. My 6 y/o reads to my 11 month old. My 3 and 6 y/o put on shows for me and the baby.
Anonymous says
Nap time is the best time to use at that age. On the weekends, DH and I would take turns being ‘off’ during the afternoon nap. I was off on Saturday and he was off on Sunday. Whoever was ‘off’ wasn’t responsible for the older kid and could run errands/take a nap/coffee with friends. Whoever was ‘on’ spent quality time with older kid. This way older kid got at least 2 hours of 1-1 time with each of us every weekend.
GCA says
I’m right there with you OP. (Currently solo for the week, even. Husband is at a conference.) It helps that my 4yo still naps at daycare so he goes to bed a lot later than the baby (who is 9.5mo and in that highly mobile but extremely reckless phase). After baby goes down for the night, we snuggle and talk before he brushes his teeth and goes to bed.
In the mornings, the baby is, fortunately, an independent little soul and will happily crawl into the bedroom to play with the train set there while I read a book or two to the big kid. Also, husband and I do a fair bit of 1:1 time – eg. on kid 1’s birthday I took him out for breakfast while husband got the baby ready for daycare, etc.