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I’ve been leaning into eye makeup lately — while I still love my old Urban Decay Naked palette, the promise of spring has me searching for something new and fresh.
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The eyeshadow palette is available at Target for $14.99.
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Anonymous says
Moms with elem kids- tell me about your kids’ bathing/shower routines.
I have 3 girls (PK, K, 2nd) and starting next week the older two are going to school 5x/week! But I’ve found that somehow our evening bathing takes an ungodly amount of time. AM showering is out for now as the bus comes at 7:10. My girls need to wash their hair at least every 2-3 days and have a routine of daily bath/shower. Do we drop the routine and do every other evening baths and rotate kids? My oldest is self sufficient but pokey. My K needs help remembering to wash and rinse her hair.
Am I destined to spending the 75 minutes between dinner and bedtime on bathing? Is there a better way?
anon says
We can speed up the process by doing baths/showers in parallel. I’ll put my 7 yo in the shower in the master bathroom and the younger ones in the bathtub in the kids bathroom. I’ll bounce back and forth between the two bathrooms reminding the older one what she’s supposed to be doing and washing the younger ones’ hair.
Anonanonanon says
This. My kids do daily, and parallel is usually the way. I only have two, though.
AwayEmily says
I would bathe/shower them less frequently. We only bathe our kids (5 and 3) once a week in the winter. Their skin gets so dry and they don’t really get that dirty. Also, I tell myself it’s good for their biomes. We up it to 2x a week in the summer.
Anonymous says
Wow once a week is honestly shocking to me! Every other day or third in a pinch sure but once a week? Wash your kids they are dirty! Modern plumbing is a blessing!
Anonymous says
nah, they’re not dirty if they’re doing normal winter amounts of activity (I’m assuming cold climate since she mentioned dry skin). As long as they’re wearing clean clothes and underwear every day, there’s no benefit to more frequent showering. AwayEmily is right about the biomes!
Anonymous says
From long experience working with kids, I can attest that they definitely get sweaty and dirty and very smelly in winter, especially since parents tend to dress them too warmly and school buildings tend to be overheated. If anything, they are stinkier in winter than in summer. They need to be bathed just as frequently in winter as they do in summer.
Anonymous says
I mean…. from long experience living from my own kids, I respectfully disagree.
Once or twice a week is literally the recommendation from dermatologists: https://www.aad.org/public/parents-kids/healthy-habits/parents/bath-often
AwayEmily says
I mean…they aren’t that dirty! We spot-clean as needed, especially in the private areas, and wash their faces almost daily. I’m sure as they get older we will have to up the frequency.
Anonymous says
Girl your kids are dirty
Anonymous says
Girl you’re tr0lling, go away.
Anonymous says
Pre-pubescent kids don’t get stinky the way unbathed adults do, because their sweat glands are different. My 3 year old only gets bathed once a week most of the year. We even apply sunscreen in winter but only to her face/hands since everything else is covered by clothing when she goes outside. She has eczema and bathing no more than once a week was a doctor recommendation, but it is also just impossible for us to do weeknight baths because she needs a ridiculously early bedtime.
Anonymous says
Just because they don’t have stinky BO doesn’t mean they aren’t dirty!
Anonymous says
Oh, they do stink.
Anonymous says
I guess I don’t understand what’s so bad about being dirty if they don’t smell and they aren’t visibly dirty. Some level of dirt is actually beneficial to skin and hair (e.g., why adults are recommended to wash hair infrequently) and if it’s not bothering the child or other people, what exactly is the problem?
Anonymous says
We shoot for twice a week but honestly it’s often once. They’re fine. Their eczema is way better this way too.
CCLA says
Same. Our norm is twice a week, washing hair once a week, but sometimes we miss the midweek one esp in the winter and it’s just…nbd. Kids are 2 and 4, I’m sure this will change as they age. And yeah eczema on our youngest improved a lot cutting down the baths. We wash faces every day because they get sunscreen on their faces every day.
Cb says
More than twice a week is tricky timing wise with nursery for us as well.
anon says
How do you deal with the sweat and sunscreen factor in the summer? Or chlorine from pools? My kids are SO gross from June-September. We rarely skip a night in the summer.
AwayEmily says
Agreed — twice a week is the minimum in the summer, but we often end up having to do it more frequently because of sweat/dirt/chlorine. Luckily both kids are also amenable to being hosed down outside, so we do that sometimes instead if it’s not a level of dirt that requires soap.
Anonymous says
Why are you so opposed to basic hygiene?
Anonymous says
“Basic hygiene” is not an objective standard, it’s subjective and depends on factors like culture and where you live. Once a day showering for adults is the normal standard at least in the US, but it’s not the same for kids, as evidenced by the MANY people here saying they only bathe their kids 1-2 times per week in the winter.
Pogo says
Agree, summer is tough. I have tried to get my son to learn how to wash his face at night, but we’re still working on that. I feel like in the summer his face has actual dirt caked on it (from playing outside) plus popsicle, watermelon, etc all sticky on his hands/arms.
Io says
We’re twice a week in the winter (S/W) and of course you shower after you swim. (Not that’s we’ve gone swimming since last March).
And in the summer, kid often bathed before dinner, because they are too dirty to eat.
Spirograph says
Same. We do not do bath/shower as a default part of the evening routine. They shower if they’re dirty — after sports, playing in the mud, or eating spaghetti. This is usually once or twice a week in the winter. More in the summer, especially if we swim.
OP, I’m curious why you think your daughters need to wash their hair every 2-3 days? I braid my daughter’s hair (long and fairly fine) after shower and just leave it until it the next one. It might get a rebraid somewhere in the middle if it looks unkempt, but her hair doesn’t seem to get greasy-looking the way mine will if I skip washing & dry shampoo.
Anonymous says
+1 to the braiding. We braid in a loose braid for overnight but she prefers a ponytail during the day. I find even braiding at night cuts down on tangles a ton!
Spirograph says
Oh, adding… my kids are the same ages as yours. 2nd grader is a boy so I’m not as worried about whether he does a good job washing his short hair, but we do let him be pokey and just shower by himself. For the K girl, DH or I just pop in to wash her hair for a minute, we don’t directly supervise the entire time. (Bathroom is on the main floor; we leave the door open and it’s very much in earshot of whoever is cleaning up dinner.) PK and K still sometimes like to bathe together, and same deal -we’ll pop in for a sec and shampoo both of them, but just figure they get clean enough sitting in soapy bath water and don’t worry about how much they’ve scrubbed. They also like to do “shower bath” where they start rinsing off in the shower, then put the plug in and sit down, so it’s less of a grime soup.
Anonymous says
White people hair needs to be washed daily after about age 4.
Anonymous says
uhhhhhh I’m white and this is just not true.
Anonymous says
Not all white hair is the same. Some white people have thick tightly-wound curls, some have very fine, wispy hair. To group it all together is absurd.
Anon says
I’m 100% white and my thick, dry hair definitely looks best on the third day post-wash. Smell is a different story, but I’m not sure why smelly hair would be limited to white people.
Anon says
I’m white and absolutely do not wash my hair daily, that would make my scalp dry and flaky (i.e., dirtier). It’s not dirty on the second, or usually even third, day if I’m not doing a sweaty workout or something.
So Anon says
This is not true.
Anonymous says
This is not even remotely true and would ruin my hair for sure. Maybe this is why Karens have such awful hair?
Anonymous says
We only do 2x a week unless my son is dirty. His hair also seems to do fine with just a rinse half the time. He does not like to be in the bathroom alone and still needs some coaching (at 8) to do a decent job. Apparently the American Academy of Dermatology is on board with 1-2x a week. https://www.aad.org/public/parents-kids/healthy-habits/parents/bath-often
TheElms says
I also bathe my toddler once a week. My daughter’s skin can’t handle more. At once a week we don’t have any eczema at twice a week she is covered in red angry scaly patches. We tend only to do sunscreen on face, hands, knees to feet because the rest is covered by a long sleeve short suit. Kiddo is very fair and that just seems safer than potentially missing a spot. I just wipe that down with a baby wipe. No pools near us that allow toddlers (have to be potty trained) so chlorine isn’t an issue.
Anon. says
Same here. In winter we shower our 5yr-old kid 1-2 x a week. Of course, face and private parts get washed every night (washcloth).
anon says
This is us, too (and sometimes we let it slip longer than a week in the winter). If their hair looks dirty or they smell they get a bath, but otherwise we don’t worry about it *shrug*. In the summer we have to do at least twice a week because of sunscreen/sweat/insect repellant.
Anonymous says
Longer than a week?!? My goodness this is just so shocking to me. Even the girls in little house on the prairie got weekly baths minimum!
Anonymous says
They also spent a lot more time in dirtier environments than any of our kids do, and only had like 2 dresses.
There’s some fascinating research about bathing and whether it’s actually healthy. It’s certainly a societal expectation for people not to smell bad, but that’s separate from whether it’s good for you. This doesn’t apply to hand-washing, of course. Hand-washing is unequivocally a good thing.
anon says
I’m similarly grossed out. Maybe I have been lucky enough for bathing to not be much of a pain point in our family life, but yikes.
Anonanonanon says
Yea especially for a kid who is in a diaper at nighttime (my youngest is)… I try to bathe them the way I would want to be bathed, and if I slept in a diaper full of my own urine every night, I’d like at least a daily rinse.
Anonymous says
I am also grossed out. It was terrible when we had to cut back to every other day for a while because of eczema.
Bath time shouldn’t be such an ordeal. The second-grader and probably the kindergartner are old enough to shower, which should take 10 minutes tops since it’s unlikely that either one shaves yet. Showers are so much faster than baths. You don’t have to fill the tub, washing and rinsing skin and hair are quicker, there are no toys to play with, and they can’t insist on sitting in the shower while the water drains the way they can with the tub. Pre-K can take a bath in the kids’ bathroom while one or both of the other kids showers in the parents’ bathroom. If they take forever drying off, replace their towels with hooded terrycloth bathrobes.
Anon says
We do every other day, sometimes every three days on a rare occasion.
To the one responder’s point about the diaper situation; this may be TMI my kids are both well out of diapers, and do a good enough job of wiping themselves on their own, but not an adult-level job of wiping themselves every single time – so that alone keeps me from going too long without bathing them, dirt playing or no.
That being said the anon at 10:02 does say if her kids smell she bathes them, so this in theory would qualify. I just don’t think my kids could go more than a week without smelling with this regard.
Anonymous says
You need to wash the bug spray off every day. It is a neurotoxin.
anon says
You probably could get by with showering/bathing every other night. I’d probably let the older one be pokey and do her thing, especially if you have a second bathroom that she can use, and focus your energies on getting the PK and K kids bathed. (My kindergartener also still needs help with shampooing.) Also, I am a big fan of setting timers when I need my kids to do something in a reasonable time frame.
Anon says
no comment on the bathing, but wow – when they were little, you must’ve really had your hands full! i’m impressed. i have a number of friends who since their kids have gone back to school during covid, have their kids bathe/shower as soon as they get home rather than after dinner. i highly doubt it actually does anything to get rid of covid, but psychologically it feels like it does? i don’t know what your work schedules are like or if you have aftercare, but could you try to switch the timing of the bathing?
Anonymous says
OP here. Yes, life is basically always chaos. Our kids have a ton of afterschool activities so it’s after dinner or bust around here.
Anonymous says
We bathe every second night and just face/bum wash in between with a facecloth.
I only need to wash my daughter’s hair once I week so I just have her sit in a bath and I use the sprayer to wet, then wash and condition, then rinse off and out again. Use a shower cap on the other days. I washed her hair until she was like 8-9. I can’t imagine that a kid in K could effectively or quickly wash their hair.
There’s playtime in the bath on Friday or Saturday nights but school nights are quick rinse, soap up, rinse off and out kind of showers. Think like 2 minutes per kid. When they were younger and didn’t like to get their faces wet, I stood them in the bathroom tub and used the handheld sprayer to do the rinses.
We have three so sometimes I will use the master bath too if time is tight but I try to avoid that if possible as it’s my zen grownup space.I can usually do all three in about 20 minutes but somehow it takes longer if DH helps?
Anonymous says
OP here. I think this nails it. Whether it’s every few days or twice a week, someone needs their hair washed on basically any given night. I think what you’ve articulated is what I’ve been thinking– that leisurely bathtime is a thing of the past around here. We need to get to business and be done with things. Perhaps the PKer can play in the tub while the other two are moving on to PJs/teeth etc.
We, too, have a master bath but like you I fiercely protect that space! We also have a full bathroom down in our finished basement, but none of the kids are old enough to be down there alone (and trustworthy enough to actually take a quick shower and come back up).
I think the 2-3 minute “business only” shower/bath is what I need to shoot for. I am now remembering Before Times when we were in more of a hurry and I told the kids it was an express car wash and to soap up so I could spray them down :). I really like the idea of allowing playtime on weekends only. Thanks!
BTW- for all the posters above belaboring the right candence for bathing– to each her own. My kids come home with snot, paint, syrup, and/or glue in their hair, and it needs to be washed. When one of them has soccer or has been playing outside all day and is covered in dirt, they need to be washed. I’m not saying a kid can’t go a few days without a bath or a shower because they will get BO or greasy hair. I just have dirty kids that need to rinse off.
Anonymous says
My other hack is that when I do allow baths, put them in as soon as you turn the water on, they like to play with the water coming from the spout anyway. Water goes off when up to their waist, 5 more minutes to play, drain water/shower off soap and out. Usually one in tub/shower, one brushing teeth and one picking out their bedtime book, then rotate.
Clementine says
We do baths on Monday/Wednesday/Saturday nights unless otherwise needed. My kids are younger, but I’ve had older kids in the house before and I did the same. I also have found that around 7 or 8, they can bathe with just coaching and it’s WONDERFUL.
I do it assembly line style and/or bathe multiple kids at once (not practical with older kids). You get to play on your tablet/watch TV before and after your bath but if you dilly dally or don’t answer, you lose that privilege. I also have set a timer on my phone before for a kid who would have sat in the shower (and yes, kid would sit on the floor of the tub with the shower going) for 2 hours if I had allowed it.
I joke that I put on my ‘middle school volleyball coach’ for activities like this: ‘OKAY! Let’s GOOO! SUZIE, you’re up! Molly, you’re on deck – you may watch your tablet in your room until your one minute warning. OKAY, let’s do this!’ Sometimes I play Jock Jams songs from the 90’s to get them really psyched… this morning I definitely blasted ‘Y’all ready for this’ to get children to put on their dang boots. Helps keep me from screaming.
Pogo says
this is amazing. Clementine is my mom goals.
Anonymous says
ok, i love the jock jams idea. Definitely stealing that one. My husband, who’s a veteran, does military orders for the kids and they seem to get a kick out of it.
Anon says
Ha, I’m always looking for good playlists for my kids who are getting a little too old for your classic kid’s music, and Jock Jams is a great idea.
Clementine says
Glad you guys are amused by my ridiculousness… I totally lean in. The phrase ‘HUSTLE! Get those knees up! Let’s MOVE!’ is my alternate to ‘AHHHHH Why are you obsessed with making me late?’
Other music that is really nice for fun playlists, my kids really like upbeat Latin music – think Selena and Miami Sound Machine. I tell myself it’s good for cultural exposure AND even if there’s ‘adult’ content in the lyrics, my kids don’t speak Spanish.
Anonymous says
+1 to music parades (hold the portable speaker like it was a boombox) to change floors!! Late 90s hip hop or classic rock.
Mary Moo Cow says
The image of jock jams in the bath: delightful! You really are mom goals, Clementine.
Anon says
I have two (5 & 3) and we bath every night as part of routine but our baths are like 10 min long, and they take them together. Sometimes if we’re early we stretch it to 20, but then they are out and in pajamas/ready for bed in another 10-15 min. Why is it taking you so long? I would get them out when you think it’s time. If they are all taking baths separately then yes, maybe alternate nights (but I’d probably put the older in the shower and bath the other two at the same time)
Anonymous says
OP here. Let me introduce my children, who are actually human sloths with no short term memory that bicker incessantly. And also happen to have (beautiful) long thick hair. They were easier (and smaller) when they were 5 and 3. And also when there were only two of them. My 3 do not all fit in the bath at once without constant fighting. I have put my oldest in the shower while bathing the younger two. She zones out and forgets why she’s there, choosing to sit on the floor in my master bath with a fancy steam shower and play tea party instead of washing her hair. Meanwhile, my younger two fight constantly in the bathtub over everything from whose washcloth is whose to who gets to sit where. Part of this is that they are busy kids who have LONG days and they are pooped by the end of the day. The good news is they sack out the minute they go to bed. The bad news is it is a marathon to get them there.
I CANNOT WAIT UNTIL THEY ARE ALL TEENAGERS (please send wine).
Anonymous says
Be careful what you wish for. Teenagers are not known for taking quick showers.
Anonymous says
I was kidding. My nightmare is a house of teenage girls and their drama, extensive bathroom time, and drain-clogging showers. And oh the fighting over clothes and cars! :)
Anonymous says
lol, i feel so seen.
My K daughter now LOVES to shower alone in our finished basement bathroom, and she demands a washcloth so she can use it to slow the drain, then sit down and play tea party and/or slide around on the shower floor. Oldest (8) stayed in the shower after hockey practice on Saturday morning until the water got cold because DH and I were lazing around drinking coffee and didn’t remind him to get out. My three don’t all fit in the tub anymore and the older two are boy-girl and not OK with sharing anyway. Each of them is happy to share a bath with the youngest, but 2 kids = half of the water splashed out of the tub, so pick your poison.
Anyway, all that to say, your kids sound lovely and typical. There’s no magic bullet, but pushing independence for the older two (with parental spot check/hair washing) will probably cut down the 75 minutes to a half hour or so. If all three of mine need to bathe the same night, we usually do two in the tub and one in the downstairs shower WITH A TIMER once the bath is filled.
Anonymous says
With three kids, I try to have two max in the bathroom at the same time. One picks out their bedtime book/ looks at books until I call them to bathroom. When you’re physically attending to one (brushing teeth/hair, putting on pjs), verbally engage with the other – is your face washed? Okay, wash you shoulders next etc
Anon says
Um…. where the F is your partner? That’s who is now in charge of the oldest in the master bath.
This is a parenting problem not a “mom” problem.
Anonymous says
Wow, you back right off with this attitude.
Whichever of us isn’t wrangling bathtime is cleaning up after dinner, folding laundry, packing lunch, doing a mad scramble to get something done for work, picking up a kid from a late practice, or idk, at the grocery store. We are a big family that divides and conquers. This isn’t two adult operation when the kids are this old.
Anonymous says
Other things whomever isn’t bathing is doing: attending/presenting a PTO meeting, attending a town meeting of sorts, zooming into an evening work call, walking the dog, snow blowing the driveway or the neighbor’s driveway, prepping tomorrow’s dinner, cleaning part of the house, paying bills, etc. We have SO.MUCH.TO.DO. that i cannot even imagine it taking two adults to get 3 children, two of whom are elem age, washed.
Anonymous says
I (now) have gorgeous long super curly hair (sorry about the humble brag).
My mother did NOT allow my sister and I to have long hair (even though we begged for it) until we were old enough to take care of it. Family photos from around grade 2 clearly indicate that contrary to what i believed, i was not in fact “taking care of” my hair. (Yes my mom would step in for like a family wedding etc).
If i had daughters, I am honestly not sure what i would do in terms of hair care. I do think i could go 2 days between washes if you rely more on braids / buns for the second day.
Anonymous says
I have a five year old girl with long hair, but not much of it. In the winter, she gets a bath twice a week with a hair wash. In the summer, we do quick baths most days to get the sunscreen off, but we still only wash her hair twice a week. And usually the non-hair wash baths are very quick. Kiddo typically has the option of playing longer outside or getting to play in the bath, and outside wins. We always wash her hair on the weekend, so there is only one weeknight where it is an issue.
Anon says
My 3.5YO likes to soak. I like that she’s not pinging off me while soaking. She gets a bath every other night unless she is being a total pill and then we throw in an extra bath just to get some quiet time. To avoid spending literally an hour in the bathroom supervising, we use video chat so I can keep an eye on her and see that her head’s above water but am not held hostage. I will fold clothes in the next room over or do a bit of evening work with the phone propped up on my laptop screen so she’s in my field of view but I can sit in an actual chair. When she’s “all done” I come in and give her an extra scrub to make sure everything is clean and wash her hair and rinse. For your oldest, could you put a smart speaker in the bathroom and use that to set times or check in if you need to hurry her along without you needing to be held hostage in the bathroom?
Io says
We are M/W baths (excluding serious dirt). I’d start using a timer with all the kids in the bath and if that didn’t help, switch up the days and use a timer.
Ohkay says
I have a 10, 8 and 4 year old. In the winter our kids shower/bathe every other day because the girls’ hair gets greasy looking after 2 days of no washes. In the summer its every day due to sunscreen, pool chemicals, sweat, stick/leaves in their hair from climbing trees and throwing sand. We also use that time to check for ticks daily. My
8 and 10 year old shower in the kids’ and master bath and each take about 10 minutes. I’m WFH and able to fit in a workout from 8:30-9 a.m. M-F. My four year old has taken to jumping in the shower with me after my workout. As soon as we get in the shower I wash/condition her hair and soap her up. Then I wash myself and dry off while she sits on the shower drain and plays with little toys while I brush my teeth, put on makeup and do my hair. She’s in the shower for about 15 minutes after me. Once I finish getting ready, I dry her off, brush her hair and she gets herself dressed while I jump back online. This way seems more relaxing for both of us.
EB0220 says
Well I only have two (1st and 3rd grade) girls. Mine are pretty much the same as yours – 3rd grader is self sufficient but slow. 1st grader sometimes needs help washing/rinsing but is quick (sometimes too quick). They have a small snack at 7 and then go up to shower around 7:10. My girls share a bathroom but we have other showers that can be used. So usually they shower at the same time in different bathrooms. 1st grader gets the kids bathroom and 3rd grader uses the guest bathroom. That means that I can monitor the younger kiddo, then we spend some time together while big sister is having a leisurely shower. We also cut off reading promptly at 8, so they know that going slow = less reading. That seems to motivated them.
Anonymous says
I get the concept of fewer baths for dry skin etc. However, I am genuinely curious that you have small children that are not visibly dirty on a daily basis (all year round). We regularly have visible dirt on legs / elbows when he comes home from school – this has happened even with a snowsuit on when the weather is hovering near freezing, or markers or paint that needs a good scrubbing on the arms. Admittedly not as bad in the winter when they are more covered up… but still. We bath daily but try to keep it fast for dry skin.
Also with curly white girl hair…. it just needs to be rinsed every day. My son looks even worse than how awful he looks with inevitable hat hair all winter if we go more than 2 days without a bath.
AwayEmily says
I just checked back in on this thread after a long day of work and was absolutely tickled by the intense commitment of several commenters (or maybe just one) to informing us (and me in particular!) that our children are unacceptably filthy. Gonna try to bring that same energy and enthusiasm into the rest of the week.
Anonymous says
My kids are 2nd, prek, and a toddler. We do a bath with all three together in the master tub after dinner. We have had the 2ndh grader shower in the master shower while we bathe the other two in the bath so he can practice doing it himself, but he really dislikes that. This week we are having them all shower together in the master shower because our tub is being used for storage from a burst pipe last week from the storm, and that has been going fine, too.
Sometimes we will skip a day, but generally not more than one. We used to do every other day, and less frequently for a baby who can’t bathe in the big tub yet, but I feel like we have needed to do every day since 1st grade. We do usually go straight into bath time after dinner. My 2nd grader mostly washes himself with a little bit of guidance and my pre-ker needs significant guidance but does most of the mechanics. The toddler obviously gets scrubbed by a parent. We used to have both parents helping during this time, but now my husband does most of it now that the toddler is more cooperative.
Anon says
I’m going to be cautiously optimistic that we will be able to fly and visit the vaccinated grandparents this summer. The thought of flying with an infant makes me nervous. What are your tips for flying with an 8 month old? Anything we can order or plan for in advance to make the trip easier?
Its a 2.5 hour flight.
Cb says
Oh flying with a pre crawling baby is super easy, especially if they are nursing (but bottles are awesome if they aren’t). Snacks, lots of clothing changes, and some fun toys, and you’ll be great. I prefer to babywear and avoid the stroller. Order a carseat and have it delivered to your parents.
Anonymous says
Plan and pack in advance. Streamline. But honestly that’s a pretty good age and a pretty short flight it’s not a big deal and will be fine.
NYCer says
+1 to all of this. You will be fine! We are huge fans of the Babyzen yoyo stroller that can go in the overhead because neither of our kids liked baby carriers after about 6 months. I also find a backpack to be easier as my carry-on (diaper bag) vs a shoulder bag.
FWIW, I have told my husband for years that I wish our flight to grandparents was only 2-3 hours… It really is a manageable length with any age kiddo.
Anon says
well we’ve never flown with one infant, but we have flown with two as we have twins. decide if you want to buy baby a seat. we took a decent number of flights and we often got lucky with one empty seat, and sometimes two. we never bought a seat bc for us that would mean 2 extra seats. if you do buy a seat you can keep baby in carseat. what we usually did was wearing baby through security in a carrier, while we put the carseat and stroller through and then put baby back in stroller. we weren’t the biggest fans of babywearing, though i know some people love it. we always get checked the car seat and stroller (make sure you have bags) bc the last thing i wanted was to arrive at my destination and be unable to get in the car bc we didn’t have a carseat. i had read to have one diaper per hour of travel (thinking of the travel as door to door), this way if you are delayed you have enough. we always brought on an extra outfit for each baby and for each of us. we got lucky and never had a blowout, but i always put two diapers on each baby just in case, which also made changing easier when we landed. if you are formula feeding, make sure you have enough bc airports don’t sell baby stuff. in the crawling but not yet walking stage, one baby got sick every time we flied bc we couldn’t just hold them the entire time in the airport, they were at the age where they needed to wiggle a bit.
TheElms says
I did a few 6-8 hour flights (some overnight, some daytime) with a 7 month old so pretty similar. She was a lap child and I was still nursing but combo feedings. So I tried to nurse on takeoff and landing unless she was already asleep then I didn’t wake her. We spent a good amount of each flight eating pouches or puffs so that occupied a lot of time. And I packed the diaper bag with diapers, wipes, sanitizing wipes, small changing pad, burp clothes, muslin blanket, food and snacks, water for me, and a lot of small books and toys on links / pieces of ribbon so that she couldn’t drop them, pacis, some pre-measured formula packets and water in a bottle premeasured (if for some reason I didn’t want to nurse). I brought 1 diaper per hour plus some spares and I think 2 outfit changes for her and a clean shirt for me. I also brought post it notes which were a hit. I found it easier to wear her in an ergo than do the stroller and by that point had figured out how to wear her while going to the bathroom. So basically I had baby in an ergo facing out (lots to look at), the diaper backpack on my back and a small crossbody purse for me. I checked all our other luggage.
In terms of stuff to order, if grandparents can pre-buy (or you order for delivery at their house) a pack n play, car seat (assuming they pick you up at the airport), diapers and wipes, and whatever food your kid is eating then then that will save you a lot in terms of packing/ hauling. Also think about where your kid will sleep at grandparents. My kid is a champion sleeper even with a time change IF it is very dark. So you might want to get blackout curtains sent to your grandparents house if that is your kid. Black trashbags also work pretty well, especially a double layer put up with painters tape.
anon says
Many more people will come with tips but having been one of those people who poured over articles and websites dedicated to this, I would like to offer (what I think is) the best advice: you will get through it! Read the articles. Absorb the tips. BUT there is literally nothing you can do so that your baby will not cry/scream on the flight. That comes down to luck. Accept that as a reality and then do the best from there. I kept reading article after article thinking if I had the perfectly packed diaper bag, and new toys wrapped in crinkly paper, painters tape, fed during takeoff & landing, etc. that my baby would not cry. This is not true. Your baby will cry! You may get dirty looks! Some older parents on the plane will look at you and smirk and thank god it is not their baby! And that’s ok! Just hold on to that promise of happy grandparent faces and free childcare.
With that out of the way, here are some tips that made the 10th flight better than the 1st:
-babywear as much as possible
-unless you have a super, super light stroller already, get a travel stroller. You will use it for years to come so just accept the overpriced cost and move on. The minu or yoyo are $$$ but worth it in my opinion.
-if you have special formula or milk, e.g. alimentum or such, bring much more than you need.
-check everything. trying to pack into a carry-on is just not worth it.
-give yourself lots and lots (and lots) of time
Good luck!
Lyssa says
All good advice. I’ll add puffs, puffs, and more puffs – those things are amazing.
I’ll also add that we flew with my son when he was about 9 months, and people were so nice! We even had several people offer to hold him and let us have a break throughout the flight. (This seemed a little crazy at first; just let a stranger hold my baby? But then I thought – hey, it’s not like they can run off with him. And getting passed around with new scenery was enough of a distraction to really keep him occupied when he got cranky.)
Anonymous says
Can you drive? At that age it is impossible to prevent them from touching all the things so unless you and baby have been vaccinated I’d try to drive. And I say this as someone who transatlantic flights with babies on numerous occasions and generally thinks flying with babies is NBD. I’d do a 12 hour drive over a two hour flight. I would fly with a newborn in a carrier or a toddler with good mask skills but I’d avoid flying with a baby or young toddler for sure.
Anonymous says
Touch isn’t really how this is transmitted and you can wipe down the seat area and wear baby through the airport and onto the plane. I would be comfortable flying with an 8 month old right now, and would certainly have no hesitation after all the adults in my family got the vaccine since the disease is so mild in young children. It’s fine if you want to avoid flying until every member of your family is vaccinated but vaccines for babies are likely at least 2 years away, and I don’t think abstaining from flying for that long is realistic for everyone. Driving was MUCH harder than flying for us at that age and a 2.5 hour flight is probably a ~15-16 hour drive, which for a lot of people would necessitate an overnight in a hotel so it’s quite a trip and also not zero risk from a Covid perspective.
Anon says
I agree with this, fwiw. But to each their own risk tolerance.
OP says
Driving would be nearly 20 hours for us with an overnight in a hotel somewhere and stops every 3 hours.
Baby isn’t great in the car after about the 5 hour mark so it would be miserable for all of us.
Anon says
when deciding flying vs. driving, think about the trip as from the time you leave your house to the time you arrive at grandparents home. it is easy to only think about the flight time itself and forget about the other parts. i also feel like usually at least one leg of our trip is delayed. i posted above, but this Anonymous has a point, less so about covid, but other illness. before my kids were reliable walkers, at least one got sick (high fever) on every trip we took. we had no choice bc our drives would’ve been 24 hours
Anonymous says
As a counterpoint, we flew 10 times/year pre-Covid and despite doing absolutely disgusting things like chewing on the airplane seatbelt and touching the face of every person within her reach, my kid never got any illness from a plane. She did come down with illnesses on trips a couple times, but they could always be traced back to an infection in her daycare class that she’d been exposed to the day before we departed (thanks RSV for ruining our Mexico getaway that ended up being our last real pre-Covid trip. Harumph.) She did get illnesses from kids’ museums and indoor playplaces (at home and twice on driving vacations) with regularity though. Those places are petri dishes for gross kid stuff and I think they will be the very last thing we return into in the post Covid world, even though she’s 3 now, wears a mask like a champ and knows not to put her hands in her mouth until we get home and wash them.
Anonymous says
Agreed it’s a pretty easy age to fly. If she’s still in the bucket seat, you may get a nap out of her if you time the flight right and purchase an extra seat. My kid was large and had outgrown the bucket seat at that age and has never slept in her carseat once we transitioned out of the bucket seat, but sleep isn’t a big deal for such a short daytime flight. An 8 month old will be happy to chill on your lap and be entertained by random stuff. 1-2 years is a lot harder because they’re less entertained by random things but still too young to get fully entranced by TV.
Unless you anticipate visiting the grandparents multiple times a year, I don’t think purchasing stuff for their house is worth it. You’ll probably have to check luggage anyway with a baby and it’s not that hard to put a PNP in checked luggage.
Pogo says
I have also had great luck asking at the gate if there is an empty seat and we can be moved around so that LO can be in the bucket seat for free. If you’re flying Delta, they’re still blocking middle seats (at least for another month or so they’ve committed to) so you and DH would just buy the window and aisle in the same row and put baby in the middle. The other thing that I’ve had luck with was getting a bulkhead seat the day of when I mentioned we had an infant.
8mos was the hardest baby age to fly (it just gets harder w/ toddlers, I think, though at least at some point they can watch movies) because he didn’t sleep the whole time. I had to do some walking up and down the aisle.
Anon. says
Embrace minimalism. Walk through the airport process (arriving, parking, taking elevators, check-in, security, boarding, …) in your head. Identify all the steps where you will need your hands to hold the baby. Then remove items you carry in your hands, and simplify, simplify, simplify:
Put jackets in the carry-on or check-in luggage prior to check-in. x
Wear clothes that don’t require you to remove belts, tie shoe strings etc – wear sweatpants or leggings, slip-on shoes.
Don’t take an extra purse etc – I find backpacks more practical.
Pack 1-2 outfits for kid and one fresh T-shirt per adult into your carry-on in plastic bags in case of blowouts/spitting up.
Think about taking a baby carrier with you if you don’t take the car seat on the plane.
Have grandparents buy diapers and other supplies you need so you don’t lug that stuff around.
Signed – I travelled with my kid every 6 months on 18h-international trips from 3 months of age, sometimes by myself.
Anon says
that’s a beautiful age to fly with a kid – it’s all downhill from there! I like to babywear in the airport unless you’re buying the kid a seat, in which case totally use a car seat.
Anon says
How old are your kids? It’s kind of a U shaped experience. Last we flew my kids were 4 and 5 and they sat and watched their shows/movies the entire 3 hours. I was able to watch my own movie that I had never seen before (mostly) uninterrupted. The first time you reach this stage with your kids on a flight it is magical.
We’re probably not flying to Bali anytime soon or anything though : )
Just to offer some light at the end of the tunnel.
Anonymous says
Yeah it gets easier again around 2.5-3 when you can really start using screens for entertainment. 12-24 months was the absolute hardest and 24-36 months wasn’t easy either, but it does get much easier eventually.
AnotherAnon says
Just some more anecdata that this will be fine. If you’re ambitious, you could try to schedule the flight around naptime but that’s kind of a crapshoot. Bottle/nurse for take off and landing, baby wearing was easier for me than a stroller, and I held him instead of bringing his carseat, but that’s a personal choice. And yes to all the puffs. Enjoy your trip!
Anon says
I would not check the car seat – things get really knocked around on a plane, and the impact on the seat could approximate a car accident (even if it “looks okay”, many manufacturers require replacing a seat after a minor fender bender, so I wouldn’t risk a plane trip in cargo). Either buy a seat for baby, or maybe order a cheap car seat for the grandparents to have on the other end (like a Cosco Scenera). Or if you must check it, buy the cheap seat to bring yourselves so you don’t wreck your nice seat
anon says
+1. DO NOT CHECK YOUR CAR SEAT! You really don’t know what could happen to it in transit that could compromise its safety when it is in the vehicle. YMMV but I feel better with child secured than in lap. If your seat is too heavy to travel with, buy the cosco scenera, practice with it, buy a seat for it and a rolling carrying case for the airport. If your baby is still in the bucket seat, great, pack the stroller frame and practice seatbelt install for plane.
anon says
I was a monster mom this morning and pretty much lost my crap with my kids for being noisy and wild during breakfast. Yes, they were being annoying, but it wasn’t wasn’t THAT big of a deal and still, my anger went from 0 to 60 REALLY quickly. I apologized later, but I am not happy that I reacted so harshly. Pandemic parenting, man. There’s so little space and privacy, or even fun activities with the kids that help balance out the mundane everyday stuff.
Cb says
Ugh, it’s so so hard. My toddler was such a grump yesterday and it was one of those days where spring seems so so close and I was desperate to be outside. Finally, I got annoyed and told him we were going to the seaside, and if he wanted, he could just sit and be grumpy on the beach. Of course, after a 15 minute drive there, he was happy as a clam. But man am I glad he’s going back to nursery tomorrow.
Pogo says
I was just talking to my therapist about this. I am going to double down on putting my own oxygen mask on, there is just so little left for us I feel like the kids are sucking the life out of me (well, the baby kind of is technically).
anon says
Yeah. It did not help that DH was MIA because he has a stomach bug. (how? from where?) My tank is perilously low even though my kids are older than yours. I’ve been falling asleep at a ridiculously early hour because I’m just that tired.
Anonymous says
Probably food – could be either true food poisoning or more likely the norovirus, which is easily transmitted through food.
Pogo says
hugs. I just know for me when I get snappy it’s because as you say my tank is low. It is just. so. hard. There are not enough hours in the day (quite literally, still going on reduced daycare hours even though we’re back “full time”). I do always apologize to LO, he never seems to take it to heart when I yell, but I worry long term he’ll be absorbing it.
Anon says
I had a really bad monster mom moment yesterday. It is amazing how fast my anger can escalate, even when I remain patient most times, and then BOOM. Felt like a terrible person.
S says
::hugs:: Y’all should check out cup of jo today…she talks about how losing it with your kids can actually lead to a good opportunity to connect and show them you’re human. I’m going with that :)
Boston Legal Eagle says
I think I am finally hitting the pandemic wall. It’s a combination of it still being dreary, snowy and cold out there, 500,000 deaths, almost a year of the pandemic, moms getting pushed out of the workforce and the continued realization that our government isn’t doing its job (see e.g.: Texas). Plus I’m in my busiest season at work, and I’m at a point where I’m thinking: why should I have to meet all these deadlines when there is a national tragedy going on and I think I’m still experiencing trauma and grief from everything. Tips to push through? Commiseration?
anne-on says
All the commiseration. My entire moms group chat seemed to hit the wall simultaneously last week as we had 2 more days of nasty snow/ice and it was just another straw on top of the already broken camel’s back.
What helped – giving yourself a night to lean into it and do whatever helps you recharge. I told everyone they were on their own for dinner, downloaded a bunch of light reads on my kindle (thanks Libby app!) ate whatever junky food I felt like, and snuggle with my kiddo while he watched more tv than normal and I read.
The next day I made a loooong list of to-dos, set up a bunch of calls/blocked time my calendar so I knew I had dedicated chunks of solid work time, and also booked a standing call/zoom with friends. This week feels a bit more manageable.
I am sorry – this whole is just really, really freaking hard and I vacillate between being enraged, tired, mildly optimistic and then just tapped out.
Pogo says
I like these tips. I am going to book a night away for just myself, but also work on more date nights with DH (we’ve had a couple recently where we reconnected and didn’t just stare at the TV/our phones, and it was lovely) plus re-commit to working out.
Also remind yourself that your 70% effort is probably most peoples 110% and that you have done all of this (parenting, work, etc) for the last year in a way no one ever intended it to be done.
Spirograph says
Major commiseration. I feel like I’ve hit a wall in the last couple weeks for all the same reasons – the dreary weather has been the last straw because it just feels like it sucks all the optimism out of the air.
Can you book a night away either in the next month or when your busy season is over? We just booked a weekend airbnb on the Chesapeake bay for mid-March and it’s already cheering me up a little. Having something to look forward to helps!
Anon says
Ugh right there with you. My local mom chat is also hitting the wall, because in addition to all of that, two of the summer camp options just canceled and our park district got rid of the “all day all summer” option – so for each kid, you have to register by week and get in an AM and a PM camp, hopefully at the same location. This might be the straw that pushes several out of the workforce at least for the summer.
I don’t have tips. I feel like I do things all weekend, yet it’s Monday morning and I seem to have accomplished nothing. We did book an AirB&B about an hour drive away for Spring Break. Even though we’re staying fairly quarantined (one of my kids is high risk) so will still have all the work of cooking and cleaning and such, I’m hoping our daily routines in a new spot will help shake things up a bit.
Anonanonanon says
We did this for 2 or 3 days back in October and it really did make a huge difference. We both work out of the house at least a few days a week so probably don’t feel as closed-in as most, but the change of scenery was much more needed than I realized. We were NOT home rental people before all of this. Having to cook and clean is not normally my idea of a vacation, but it was wonderful. I hope you all have a wonderful time!
anne-on says
One of our summer camp options is open (and I hit register SO fast) but the other is still TBD and honestly both being closed last summer was what drove me to take a sabbatical. I COULD do it again but oh my god I so do NOT want to. My heart breaks for all the moms who have no choice in the matter and are going to be pushed out of the workforce if summer camps all shut down (or become massive super spreader events).
Anonanonanon says
I am with you.
In our team meeting this AM, someone commented that 500K is “staggering when you stop to think about it” and without thinking I said “well I won’t allow myself to stop and think about it until it’s over.” but, it’s true. I have put off thinking about the gravity of all of this and I’m worried about when it’s going to hit.
This feels so dramatic to type out, but it truly feels like the beginning of the end of our country as we know it. It’s starting to feel like we’re frogs who haven’t noticed we’re slowly being boiled.
One day at a time.
anon says
Some of us don’t have to stop and think about it; we are very much dealing with the loss of a family member because of this stupid virus. It is HARD to not get cynical and just give up trying to fight this. Because we did, and have, and we lost someone anyway.
Anonymous says
We lost a family member, but it doesn’t make me want to give up fighting. It makes the risks appear even more real and makes me incredibly angry at everyone around me who has given up. When I see our so-called friends posting photos of unmasked gatherings, weekend trips, and weddings on social media, it’s like they are giving my family the finger. They have decided that their fun is more important than other people’s lives and health.
anon says
10:54. I am holding strong, believe me. I think the “eff it all” thoughts are part of my way of dealing with the anger of seeing everyone else living their best lives. I’d love to see my parents! I’d love a weekend getaway! I’m sorry I missed your 250-person pandemic wedding! It’s just a lot.
Anonanonanon says
I am so, so sorry for your family’s loss <3
Anon says
I have given myself permission to be late on work things that are false deadlines if I need to in order to preserve 6 hours of sleep a night (looking like a 200 billable month here full of pandemic parenting and ice so blergh) – I am senior enough and so are you I think for this to be OK for a brief period. To be perfectly honest, my 80% is my coworkers’ 100% so in this season I am giving myself permission to be average. I booked an August beach vacation to look forward to. I also packed my kid up between ice storms and drove 2.5 hours to see my parents for a long weekend because I was just done (we live in quarantine; they’ve had their first shot and are still minimizing exposure although are out in public more than we are). She’s having a blast, I’ve worked the whole time but at least someone else is cooking and cleaning and I’ve been able to share meals with my family, and we’ll drive back this evening once this morning’s snow and ice melts. DH who was also hitting a wall will have had a weekend to just chill and will be more engaged with her while I continue working like crazy this week. I was on the fence about coming down (more work, the packing, driving between storms and calls, working the whole time, etc.) but I am SO GLAD that I did it.
Anon says
I broke down and took a leave of absence from work and I’m so much happier. I know that’s not a “tip to push through” but I decided my mental health and ability to be a present, calm parent were more important than my job. I just wanted to remind you that it’s ok to prioritize your sanity if it comes to that.
So Anon says
I was there about two weeks ago. I realized that my “work” wardrobe had slowly slid into not quite ok territory, and I could not wear the exact same fleece and unwashed mom bun to work meetings for four straight days. My kids clothing choice had started to mirror mine, which culminated in me realizing that my son had worn the exact same fleece for five days and it was a tad ripe (even though he changed his shirt underneath and showers daily).
I decided that the kids and I needed things to look forward to, so I booked an AirBnB for this upcoming weekend. Its two hours up the coast, and even thought I will still need to cook all the meals (Celiacs + Vegan = no take-out options), it will be a change of scenery. I am buying some new craft supplies for my daughter, lego set for my son, and books for me. We are just going to go enjoy a log cabin on the coast with a giant fireplace and tv and be somewhere different. It is all that we have talked about for the past week. I booked a camping site outside of a national park for early this summer. I would prefer a lovely hotel, but a glamping site where I can cook seems more covid-friendly than anything else. Also, I booked my kids to go to sleep-away summer camps for two weeks this summer. And they overlap, which means ten days where I get to catch my breath! Each kid is SOO excited about their camp, and I am too.
On the home front, I am starting to plan how to transform my very standard garden into more of an English garden. I will probably end up hiring someone to help. But I need to imagine and dream of good things to come.
Anon says
Our household, being in healthcare, is past the one year mark.
Actually the lead up over the last two weeks was hardest. Today sucks (sleet!) but feels different than last week. You can get through this.
Anonanonanon says
Low-stakes question.
I’m on a new doctor-directed diet and need to put some tofu in some soup later. I’ve never cooked with tofu but I like to eat it. Do I press it first? Just cut it up? How long do I simmer it in the soup? It’s firm tofu.
Thanks!!
Cb says
I never press it, but probably should. It shouldn’t take long, you’re essentially heating it up. However, someone told me recently they freeze their tofu and this gives it a denser consistency. I need to try it.
Pogo says
I slice the block in half the long way, press it (between two towels with something heavy on top), then cube it. I personally like to toss it in olive oil and soy sauce, then bake in the toaster oven at 425 and use it in whatever recipe. I think it makes it more flavorful.
Anon says
I press it for frying but in soup it almost seems pointless because won’t it just re-absorb water? Tofu doesn’t really need to cook so I’d maybe simmer for 10 mins.
Anonanonanon says
That makes sense. Wasn’t sure if I needed to press the existing moisture out so it could absorb soup for flavor? I don’t know what I’m doing. Sounds like I can just cut it up and toss it in the broth to warm up.
DLC says
I always press my tofu. I find even in soup it will keep a firmer texture, which I prefer, unless the recipe specifically calls for a softer tofu texture . I usually buy extra firm tofu, then I will
cut it into two or three slices around the equator (or further cut it into cubes depending on time and recipe) and sandwich it between kitchen towels on a plate or cookie sheet, put a cast iron skillet on top leave it anywhere from 20 mins to a couple hours. (I’ve also weighted by using another pot filled with water, another cookie sheet with canned good on top- you want to get it good and heavy) I’m not sure on simmer time -not more than 5-10 mins depending on size? I find that if i don’t press the water out it might fall apart if the water boils too rapidly.
Anonymous says
Any funny stories from the weekend? My 2.5 year old randomly stood in front of her window, scream-sang “The cold never bothered me anyway!” and dramatically closed the curtains in front of her- it was absolutely hysterical. And then because my kids have to kill a joke did it approximately a 100 more times.
Cb says
My son asked me when he’d be a grown up and where he’d live when he was a grown up. I told him he’d be a grown up when he was 18. “And then I’ll get married?” “Well, that’s a bit young, mummy was 29, daddy was 33, so you have plenty of time!” “Ah, then we can all have a wedding then”. Had to explain that while we were happy to come to his wedding, he had to find someone else to marry. “I’ll walk down the street of (our village) and find someone to fall in love with!”
Anonymous says
That’s adorable. My 3 year old was a flower girl in a (virtual) wedding this year and ever since has been obsessed with getting married. All her stuffed animals/dolls get married and DH and I have to attend/officiate the weddings. And we have Marlon Bundo so she sometimes says to people out of the blue “boy bunnies don’t have to marry girl bunnies! Boy bunnies can marry boy bunnies!”
Cb says
So cute! My son has 4 grandmas (my mom, husband’s mom + partner, husband’s dad’s wife) and at some point, we’re going to have to answer questions about the family tree.
Anonymous says
IME, kids with “nontraditional” family trees tend to take it all in stride and don’t need a lot of explaining. The kids with exactly two sets of married opposite-sex grandparents are the ones who have trouble wrapping their heads around different family structures.
Anonymous says
omg thank you for reminding me that I meant to buy Marlon Bundo.
I think a lot of kids, even with traditional-looking families, are taking things in stride now! I overheard my kids having a conversation asking each other whether they were going to marry a boy or a girl when they grow up. They are 8 and 6 and do not have any apparent s3xual preferences yet, so the considerations were more along the lines of shared interests.
Anonymous says
It’s a great book – one of the only kids books that I actually enjoy reading.
Anon says
What is Marlon a undo?
Anonymous says
Marlon Bundo is a book about a that John Oliver writers wrote in response to a Pence family-written children’s book about their pet bunny.
Marlon wears flamboyant ties and falls in love with another boy bunny and despite some righteous outrage from other animals that boys shouldn’t marry boys, they get married and live happily ever after. There’s a read-aloud of it on youtube somewhere, I think. I know I watched it after the John Oliver skit introducing it a couple years ago. It’s pretty adorable, and a nice message about acceptance and love is love.
Anonymous says
It’s fascinating. My 6 year old is “married” to multiple of his stuffies of both genders. They have a whole family structure he set up that seems to pay no attention to gender. He and little brother also often play house, both as daddies married to each other.
TheElms says
My kiddo declared “I saw a bird.” Which is not funny on its own but she had been standing watching the birds at the bird feeder for several minutes saying bird, bird, bird. And then she stopped and turned around to look at me with a big smile and very proudly said “I saw a bird.” Maybe not funny, but it definitely made my heart melt.
Pogo says
aw, that is really cute!
Pogo says
We talked a lot about the Mars Rover, and kiddo kept calling it the Mars Grover. He made his own little rover out of Duplos and then made a friend for it, and I got confused because I remember Opportunity was the one who ran out of batteries so I was like, actually its friend robot is all done, it’s alone up there. And LO was sad and insisted Mars Grover needed a friend. Then I googled (when I was telling DH this story and he questioned my NASA intel) and actually Curiosity AND Perseverance are up there now (I think I confused Opportunity and Curiosity). I can’t wait to tell LO when he gets home that Mars Grover robot does have a buddy robot, just like his Duplos.
Cb says
Aww, so cute! There is an episode of superwings about the Mars rover that he might like.
Curious says
Spent at least 5 minutes with my friend’s 3.5 month old saying “fbrtttttt” and then having him pause, think very hard, and say it back. Baby’s first fart jokes? :)
Anon says
My kid has been really resistant to letting us brush her teeth but this morning we figured out together that she could make an open-mouth funny face and we would brush while she did that, and it was both hilarious and effective.
Anonymous says
They do have to kill jokes, don’t they?! That’s adorable the first time, though.
Doesn’t quite translate because it was visual humor, but my 4 year old’s celebration dance after winning a beyblade battle yesterday was really something to behold. It had everything: gun fingers, side shuffles, hip waggles, and some self-satisfied nods with, “uh huh, oh yeaaaaah.” I don’t know where he learned this.
Also, starting with the snow days last week, husband is now making the kids do some light calisthenics before they get screen time. None of them is coordinated enough to do normal-looking jumping jacks, and I have to look away to keep from laughing.
Curious says
This is amazing.
NYC Nanny Help! says
Seeking any nanny search advice in NYC (referrals also welcome!) I’m searching for a nanny for my 4 mother old child and feel like I’m not finding anyone who really jumps out as being a great option. I’m flexible on start date (any time between now and mid-April) and pay. So far the options I’ve talked to by phone have been lackluster… am I expecting too much? I would like someone with infant experience, who is dependable, energetic, caring and speaking English well. Do I need to go through an agency? Any advice much appreciated!
Anonanonanon says
Not in NYC but in a metro region and it is a seller’s market for nannies right now. It has been… tough.
Something I always have to remind myself in a childcare search: this is not a normal job interview. Someone who enjoys spending their whole day with children is very different from me, and that is a GOOD thing. However, it also means I shouldn’t let myself get caught up in expecting perfect job interview responses. For example, I might have to do more probing, I might ask things they did not prepare answers for, etc.
Pogo says
I agree with this. References were the key thing for me, talking to other moms whose children were cared for by our provider for years is what sealed it for me. But the person who takes care of your baby does not have to be your bff, or have perfect answers to interview questions. I felt like I “interviewed” the references more than the caregiver, if that makes sense (“what did she do when x happened”, “was there ever a time she refused to do something you asked, and why” etc).
NYCer says
Where in the city do you live? There are very active fb groups in my area with moms posting about finding new jobs for nannies all the time (variety of reasons…moving, kids going to full time school, etc.). We live uptown, and I frequently see posts like this in both UES Mommas and UWS Mommas. I imagine there are similar groups for other NYC neighborhoods as well. You can also check out a group called Have a Nanny, Need a Nanny that is all about moms who are looking for nannies or moms looking for new homes for their nannies.
Our baby nurse referred our nanny to us, but I have had numerous friends find great nannies through other moms on fb. Good luck!
Anon says
what have you been doing to search? i feel like most of my nyc friends have found their nannies through word of mouth and/or facebook groups. i also think it’s a strange time. some people have left nyc all together and maybe took their nannies with them, or let them go, in which case they might have already been snapped up by someone else. i also think as a generalization people who raise families in nyc often tend to be families with two parents in ‘big’ jobs or one parent who is the breadwinner and the family has enough money to have extra childcare, and so people often hold onto their nannies for a long time. i would also say, that not all nannies present will on the phone. i am not currently in nyc, but have a nanny who i actually interviewed on the phone and said to DH that i didn’t like her, because i found her hard to understand as english is not her first language. she posted in a facebook group i’m i with a letter of rec from her current employer at the time (who was only letting her go due to moving), which really caught my attention, and so i spoke to her again on the phone (still not great), had her come in person, but what really sold me was the letter and references. she has now been with us for 2.5 years and we LOVE her. i know with Covid it makes it tricky to meet a lot of people in-person, but just wanted to share an experience of someone who isn’t great on the phone, being great.
Anonymous says
This. I would judge English ability in person vs on the phone. if you have candidates that are otherwise good, can you do an outside meet up to assess language better?
Anon says
No help in finding one, but we are in a NYC suburb and our nanny just started last week.
We went through an agency (ultimately not successful) and also posted an add on Care.com (which is how we found our ultimate hire). We started in late November 2020 and our nanny just started last week – it took that long to find the right person. Probably took a bit longer for us than average because we have to pay on the books (which was a dealbreaker for some) and because the background checks took a while to come back to due general state/federal agency slowdown right now.
We did video screens with anyone we were interested in, and then had 4 in-person interviews at our home with finalist candidates. They “met” the baby from across the room but did not hold her etc.
Our pediatrician recommended that the nanny wear a mask in her home, and our hire agreed to do that (and I’m also wearing a mask – I work from home – because it’s only fair).
A word about Care.com – even if you are SUPER specific in your posting as to your needs/requirements, you’re going to have to weed through a lot of responses that don’t line up. My favorite was the guy who was very excited that he could help our daughter with her homework and teach her swimming and lacrosse. She is currently 18 weeks old (eyeroll).
Anonymous says
Park Slope Parents website has tons of advice, and also links to parenting groups in other neighborhoods where you could get more word of mouth referrals and advice.
OP says
Thanks all! I appreciate the advice and leads. I’ll check out these resources, and keep in mind that nannies may make a better impression in person.
Feeling blah says
I’m seven weeks pregnant with our fourth kid and oof. Lots of insomnia and feeling a little nauseous especially in the evenings. This is our fourth, I should remember better, but what weeks did you all experience morning sickness? I feel like this is hitting me earlier this time around? Any tips for pregnancy induced insomnia?
Lesson to all you first time moms, we’re all constantly learning!
Curious says
Unisom helped me for nausea and sleeping for the 3 weeks I could tolerate it (it has mental health side effects for me). My nausea started in week 5, got intolerable to the point of missing work in week 8 (when I started Unisom), and seems to be backing off now in week 12. Unfortunately the insomnia was back last night.
Congratulations on baby 4!!!!
Curious says
Also please note the mental health stuff is rare — some women in my family just have anxiety reactions to antihistamines. Doctors scratch their heads.
Pogo says
With both pregnancies, 7-10 weeks was the worst of it for me! Ask for diclegis!
Lara says
This is my first pregnancy and the nausea/vomiting/food aversions hit me like a mac truck at about 5.5 weeks, peaked around 9-10 weeks and has sloooooooowly improving since then. I’m at 18 weeks right now and haven’t thrown up in about 2 weeks, which I’m very thankful for.
My OB prescribed me Bonjesta, which has definitely helped the nausea and I think is helping sleep too (you take it at night because it can cause drowsiness). It’s just extended release Vitamin B6 + Unisom so you could try your own over the counter. I’ve also found lemon flavored things to be really helpful for me (ginger less so) so putting some lemon juice in a water bottle and those frozen lemon ices have been amazing.
My have my deepest sympathy!! This sucks, but you’ve got it!
Anon says
I was always terribly nauseous right up until I delivered. Never bad enough to need an IV or heavy meds, but I puked or almost puked most days. Unison and B7 helped, but wasn’t a cure all. Regular eating also helped.
For one of my pregnancies, I ate carrot sticks almost at all times because if I wasn’t eating, I was puking. Literally 5-10 lbs of carrots per day. I felt lucky my baby didn’t come out orange.
Anon says
You guys, my 1st grader starts hyrbid school today. 1st time back in physical school since last March. Our hybrid schedule is made up of very minimal hours a week, but I. will. take. it.
Pogo says
hooray!!!!
Anonymous says
yay!
anon says
congrats! can’t believe you made it this long – you’re amazing!
Anonymous says
Daycare called us last week to tell us that our 20-month old has been keeping his eyes closed a lot, and sometimes walking around with them closed and eating with them closed. I guess he thinks it’s funny? They asked us if we have any ways of getting him to open his eyes, and we really don’t because he’s never done that at home. Any suggestions?
Anonymous says
What is the window situation in the classroom? If the sun is shining right into his eyes at lunchtime, then of course he’ll close his eyes while he’s eating. If he’s just doing it for fun, that’s the teachers’ problem. If I were them I’d ignore it as much as possible.
Katala says
Yeah, that seems like a daycare issue to solve. I guess I can see them asking if you’ve dealt with it and found something that works, but a “nope, we’ve never seen him do that!” should be a sufficient answer. They will figure it out.
Anon says
This made me laugh in the best way! I love that a 20 month old has managed to baffle his caretakers enough that they called and asked you what to do about it.
In seriousness, unless there’s some medical issue going on the answer to this is “ignore and be will eventually stop doing it.”
Anon says
Yeah I think this is their issue.
Anon says
In your 20 month old’s defense, my 5 year old daughter does this on rare occasion and it actually is kinda funny… lol
Friday says
I’m sorry but this made me giggle. I’d encourage them to ignore (might be too late if he’s noticed them observing him) and it will pass. He sounds like a hoot.
Anon says
one of my twins went through a stage where she walked around with her eyes closed. it passed, though a year later she still does it sometimes
Anonymous says
My kid AND my friends kid did this around that age. I think that must figure out they can close their eyes but be awake??
Tweeter says
When my son was a little older than that he started closing his eyes and shaking his head going “I can’t see! I can’t see!” Then opening them and saying “I see!” Def was something he picked up at daycare. Sorry I have no advice I just think it’s probably a game to him and his little friends probably think it’s funny and imitate. Hopefully daycare will handle!
Anon says
I think my husband and I need some additional help getting our 3-year old through a rough patch of bad sleep and sort of general anxiety. (She consistently is very scared at her drop-off program 2x a week and when we go to the playground she hangs back a long time because she is scared of the other kids/parents. She has nightmares consistently and wakes up 1-2 times a night, and then up for the day at 530 usually.) I do think she is going to be fine eventually but I’d like to get some personalized recs to help her through some of this.
Does anyone know of development consultant or sleep consultant that might be helpful? TIA
Anonymous says
Can you get a recommendation to a child psychologist from your pediatrician?
Anonymous says
You can try, but good luck. Waiting lists are months long because pandemic.
Anon says
I recommend asking the ped. I’m not sure about the nightmares, but anxiety around new people and problems separating at drop off is still pretty normal at this age, and I imagine the pandemic has amplified it, so they may just tell you to watch and wait.
Anonymous says
Agree. This all sounds pretty normal. How long has she been going to the part-time group? Our preschool teachers told us that full time kids usually adjust in 3 weeks but part-time kids can take twice as long or more. And being shy with new kids at the park is expected so is occasional night waking.
Realist says
Agree with all the comments to discuss with the pedi. If you think it might help, try some guided relaxation scripts with her. If you Google ‘Green Child Guided Relaxation’ you can find some scripts we have been using. You can also make your own meditation or relaxation scripts, basically focusing on some calming breath work, and then telling her she is safe in this moment, in a house where she is loved, warm and cozy in her blankets, etc., just drawing her attention to the safety and security of the moment to help soothe her anxiety.
Anonymous says
We live a 5 hours flight from DH’s parents and grandmother. We have not seen them since last Thanksgiving. DH’s parents are elderly- FIL is 81 and really doesn’t travel anymore but came up to meet our youngest when she was born 3 years ago. MIL is spry and preCOVID flew to us to visit. DH’s grandmother is 93 and unwell. She was hospitalized for the 3rd time in the past few months again over the weekend, which sparked another conversation about visiting them.
All 3 elderly family members are now vaccinated (both doses) against COVID. DH and I are not, and we won’t be for some time. We are extremely low risk (mid 30s, no mitigating anything). Our kids are young and healthy. We are considering flying the kids to see DH’s family over spring break this year. It’s a direct flight. Our kids are in hybrid school and will need to get a COVID test to return, as will DH and I. We had previously been talking about FIL and MIL coming to see us over spring break as it makes more sense to have the vaccinated people fly, but FIL has been feeling more frail, and now DH’s grandmother is really not doing well (which means we may not get another chance to see her, and also that FIL and MIL don’t want to travel while she’s unwell).
We have been taking COVID seriously, but our children have been in hybrid school, sports with masks, and daycare (youngest) all year. Two of my kids have had to quarantine due to exposure (twice at daycare, one in elem school because the girl sitting immediately next to her- but 6′ apart- had COVID).
How would you think about the pros and cons and precautious? My kids are young (3-8), but old enough to sit still and watch movies with masks on for the long flight without licking the seat and most of them probably won’t have to get up to use the bathroom. Testing is readily available in my area. Our town is not COVID free, but we are doing well and have been all year long. Would waiting until June be substantially better than April? I think it’s all the same to my kids and our schedule, but I’m not sure how DH’s grandmother will be in June (or April, frankly.) The way I am thinking about it is that we need to weigh our family (me/DH/the kids) likelihood of catching COVID on the trip vs seeing DH’s family. I used to fly all the time for work and haven’t set foot on a plane in a year so I’m not really sure what to expect these days, either.
Thoughts?
Curious says
(1) what airlines can you fly? I don’t trust American or United as far as I can throw them, but Delta and Alaska are serious about masks.
(2) what are the origin and destination airports? The airport has worse air circulation than the plane and will be your greatest source of risk.
Anonymous says
We have options. We usually fly JetBlue, but could do Southwest or any of the major ones. Airports are major hubs. I’m not sure where we’d fly out of (would depend on the airline) but we have a couple large options. And we’d be flying into a major hub (not Denver but similar in size and hub-ness).
Curious says
I guess I mean what is mask adherence like in each place? SeaTac is supposedly amazing; O’hare less so; I would be scared of LA.
Curious says
Given you mention JetBlue, are you in the northeast? I would do Bradley or one of the smaller airports over Logan if possible to still get a direct flight. Just fewer people and normally more space.
Anonymous says
no idea! I haven’t flown in a year. Is this a google-able thing?
Curious says
I would just look at the NYT risk levels for the surrounding community — probably a good enough proxy — and then also just err toward smaller airports if possible. I don’t really know if Midway would be better than O’Hare but John Wayne would sure be better than LAX. Have only flown once in COVID though so most of this is speculation — I wish I knew more. Best of luck :)
Anonymous says
Small airports may serve a more rural, politically conservative population and I feel like political leaning is highly relevant to mask compliance. But honestly this all kind of feels like a guessing game and I don’t think it’s worth choosing an airport based on what you think mask wearing will be like at that airport. Just choose an airport where you can get direct flights and spend as little time in the airport as possible.
Pogo says
My husband has flown out of Logan multiple times during the pandemic and it’s been a ghost town, he said. He also said mask adherence was basically 100%.
Anonymous says
I flew in and out of O’Hare a couple months ago (family emergency) and it was completely deserted. Everyone I saw was wearing a mask unless they were eating and those people seemed to really make an effort to isolate themselves. My gut instinct is that big airports are better because there is more space to spread out, but who knows. My destination airport in a red state was smaller and a bit more crowded, but still almost everyone in masks.
Anonymous says
If I were absolutely set on making this kind of trip with kids, I’d do it ASAP. I have seen multiple models that include a scenario in which vaccination continues at the predicted pace, the new variants are more contagious, and people start to loosen their precautions due to quarantine fatigue, which sounds to me like what is most likely to happen in real life. In all of the models this scenario leads to either a spike in the spring/summer or a ramp-up to a sustained plateau that starts in April.
One way to reduce the risk would be to have your husband travel alone, either now or this summer after he’s vaccinated.
Anonymous says
If we don’t go as a family in April, DH will probably go sooner. He may do that anyway.
Anon says
Weather should mitigate a lot of the potential summer spike, especially in the Midwest and Northeast where outdoor gatherings are impossible now but will be much more possible by April. Everyone I know who is planning to change their behavior significantly this summer is only going to be gathering, dining out, etc. outside. What I worry about is what will happen in September or October as the weather starts turning cold again, especially if a large number of people remain unvaccinated either because there’s not enough vaccine or by choice.
Anonymous says
I’d book the flights today
NYCer says
+1. And I would feel fine flying on any major airline.
NYCer says
And by this I mean, I would would feel comfortable going to visit your husband’s family over spring break if I were you, not that you actually need to fly today.
Anon says
I would probably go in April. I don’t think it’s fair to classmates to travel without getting a test (or quarantining for a week) but if you plan to test on return I think it’s a fine plan. My in-laws will be fully vaccinated in a few days and since we haven’t seen them in over a year we would be on a plane ASAP if we were legally permitted to visit them. Unfortunately we can’t travel to their state without a weeklong quarantine, and they’re not comfortable flying, so we don’t know when we will be able to see them. :(
Anonymous says
We absolutely would test. In fact, the schools all require it. And our state requires it upon re-entry anyway unless we want to quarantine for two weeks. I’m looking at flying out on Friday and flying back maybe Thursday or so so we have lots of time to test and get results before the kids go back to school (and they aren’t allowed back until they get neg results anyway).
Our elem school just rolled out pooled testing on top of the required testing for traveling out of state, so from a keep-classmates-safe standpoint, I feel pretty good.
Failing says
Anyone here have older kids and want to share how on earth you made it through? Anything you would suggest (or do differently) in terms of finding time for kids and life?
Context is that I I have an infant and a two year old. I’ve been back at work a few months and I feel like the wheels have completely fallen off. I have child care; hours are more limited due to covid, but I know that I’m incredibly lucky to have child care at all right now. (Not to mention power, water, food.)
My jobs needs more from me than what I’m giving currently, which is fair, but … I just don’t have anything more to give. The quality of my work is good but quantity is a constant problem.
I’ve tried looking at my life to see where I can add capacity, but it’s so maxed out as it is. I’m already very sleep deprived (failing at sleep training) and I feel like I barely see my 2 year old. I’ve cut out all tv and it’s not like we’re socializing currently. How do people do this?
Anon says
We couldn’t make it work with daycare. Pick up and dropped off sucked up time and added tons of stress with meltdowns and resistance to getting dressed/shoes/coat. Daycare illnesses ate up all vacation time and interrupted too many work days with important meetings.
We switched to a nanny and life calmed down. Our infant napped better. Our toddler was less over stimulated and calmer. The nanny helped with kid laundry and starting dinner. Overall, the nanny wasn’t perfect, but was much, much better for our QoL.
Anonymous says
Mine are not old, but are 3.5, kindy and 2nd grade. My youngest are 22 months apart. For the first 2 years of having 3 kids, DH and I were in constant chaos and we kept telling ourselves “in 2 years it will be better.” Then it was “in 18 months…” then “in 1 year” etc. By the time my youngest was two, I had kids that were 2/4/7. It was amazing. We didn’t have cribs or infant crap anywhere! I donated the changing table and changed diapers standing up. And then we potty trained the youngest and I ditched my diaper bags. All my kids can dress themselves and eat by themselves and my older two can make their beds and cook themselves a meal without my help. They all unload the dishwasher! They do not all shower quickly (see my post above) but that’s really our only major challenge. Activity schedules and summers are annoying, but I can hire help for that if I need it. Elem school has aftercare (we don’t use it but lots of friends do).
It doesn’t get EASY, but your kids will grow up and be real people that are functional and not entirely useless mess machines. For me, I had to adjust to what “life with kids” work expectations were, vs “go getter DINK.” Both Dh and I settled into careers and roles that balance the challenge/income of working but still allow us to draw boundaries enough to have family time. If you can’t draw those at work (once you aren’t sleep deprived) then you might need to look for another job, if spending more time a home is important to you. I would urge you to slog through the next 18 months and re-evaluate things when you have a 2.5 and 5 year old.
Mary Moo Cow says
I have a 5.5 and 3.5 year old. The wheels just were off for a while when mine were your age. Way more restaurant and take out meals than I wanted; house was usually messy (but for every other week cleaning ladies, it would have been dirty, too); work productivity was hit or miss; and I cried or felt guilty or like a failure every darn day. And then one day it was better, and the next week even better, until it just felt manageable.
As for finding time for kids and life, my suggestions: throw money at the problem as much as you are able. Send laundry out, hire cleaners, buy a robot vacuum, take some paid time off when the kids are in school just for yourself if you can, order the takeout or do Hello Fresh, grocery delivery, buy extra underwear so you don’t have to do laundry so much, etc. Figure out what work projects are visible and work the heck out of them and let others slide a bit. Ask for help (partner, friends, family, etc.: whether it is to meet up for a walk without kids, a park play date with kids, or take the kids so you can sit in a quiet house or rage clean. Don’t stress about being first in line at pick up and get a cup of coffee and listen to great music and make a leisurely trip to childcare pick up sometimes. Try to pick one chore free day (for me, it was Saturday. No laundry, cleaning, shopping, etc., just a day with my family. See my point above about how the house was a mess.) It is a mental shift from being the ace childfree worker with a gleaming house to treading water parent, and it doesn’t happen overnight, so give yourself some grace to come to terms with where you are now and what your’re capable of, and then remember that things will change again.
anne-on says
At that stage my goal was putting one foot in front of the other. You know your work best – is your boss disappointed that you’re not a rock star any longer but you know you’re still outperforming your colleagues? Or even doing just as well as most of them? Let them be disappointed. Is your boss counselling you that if you don’t make a change you might be let go? Start looking now for a new role and dedicate more time/energy there.
I full white-knuckled it through ages 0-3 due to some health issues with my kiddo and took the advice of everyone on this board to lean out slightly – I switched to a less demanding role when my son was smaller and then went back into something more time intensive when he was older. I also leaned out as much as I could – ‘good enough’ had to be good enough because it was that or nothing.
Beyond that – hire or outsource as much as you can afford. I cooked very little for us adults at that age and focused on spending as much waking time with my kids as I could. I had cleaners, did one load of laundry a night/ran the dishwasher daily so it didn’t pile up and let a lot of other things go (no gym, haircuts were sporadic, I cut my nails short and buffed them while watching TV, clothes were classic but boring so they could be easily mixed/matched and everything that could be done the night before was). I’m sorry. It’s hard, it just is, but it does get easier.
ifiknew says
I’ve been there. I so.so.so.so 100000% hear you. I’ve posted multiple times in the last two years here about this. My kids are 24 months apart and are now 3 months away from being 2 and 4. IT IS SO MUCH BETTER 99% OF THE TIME ALREADY. Mostly because they mostly sleep and have consistent schedules. The first year of my second child was the absolute rock bottom worst of my life. Having to be working after mat leave, both kids have sleep issues and dealing with terrible 2’s and a baby who can’t be left alone for a second. It’s beyond brutal. I remember thinking what I would give to just go to the bathroom without anxiety or taking the baby in the bathroom with me, just a lack of bare human necessities.
I would say do the bare minimum at work. If there’s any way you can scale back or if you were a top performer before, why not just settle for B+ until the kids are a bit older? This is probably the hardest season of your life, especially if your kids aren’t sleeping.
My husband told me once that there may not be any more hacks to this season of life if you’re already outsourcing as much as you can, other than for one or both of us to do less paid work. So.many.hugs.
AwayEmily says
+1 to just fighting through this hard time and knowing that there is an end. Mine are 21 months apart and are now 3 and 5 and everything is ten million times easier than when they were your kids’ ages. You are in the hardest part right now, I promise.
Anonymous says
Second this! My kids are 22 months apart. The first year was the toughest, but every milestone got a little easier- after sleep training, after solids were established and nursing stopped ruling my life. Come up with a super easy dinner schedule (Trader Joe’s has lots of great heat and serve meals), make sure your husband is pulling his weight, bring in cleaners if you are willing. Now my kids play together for long periods of time and it is truly delightful.
So Anon says
I’m going to echo what others have said: The stage you are in is just tough. That doesn’t mean that you are doing anything wrong! It is just really hard to have two little ones. Mine are 2.5 years apart, and the first 6 months after I went back to work after my youngest was just exhausting. When I think back to that time period, I remember the challenge of the physical logistics of getting both kids up and out the door on my own, into the car with an infant and a kid who couldn’t buckle into his car seat yet in a New England winter, multiple night awakenings, and trying to be moderately productive at work. I don’t have any great solutions for you because this is a tough stage. I can say that it got so so much easier in the months ahead. In the meantime, outsource what you can, sleep whenever you can, and lower standards on everything you possibly can.
Spirograph says
Bottom line up front: It gets better, this is the hardest time, and I can almost guarantee you are doing fine even if you feel like you’re failing. Other people are likely giving you more grace than you’re giving yourself.
Practically speaking, when my first two kids were those ages, I negotiated a 32 hour per week schedule and had every Friday off. I kept my full time childcare, using Fridays for household management and self care, and usually picked the kids up a bit early. It was a game-changer. You know your office and industry, but if you can swing it financially, I encourage you to ask. I was pleasantly surprised when my boss said yes, but felt like I didn’t have anything to lose because quitting entirely felt like the only other option at the time.
I went back to work full time after a job change when my middle child was about 16 months old and I was newly pregnant with #3, and somehow white-knuckled through three under 5. With two kids, I still very much felt like I *ought to* be able to do All The Things, and with three (and a raise), I threw up my hands and leaned into good-enough and outsourcing. If you can mentally get to a place where good enough is good enough without the third kid, more power to you!
Anon says
ok it sounds like you are not sleeping through the night yet…no wonder you can’t ‘add capacity.’ your post is a great example of why maternity leave should be longer. humans are not meant to function without a full night’s sleep. my best friend’s older one was 3 when her youngest was born, but here she is 9 months later, and he just started sleeping through the night and not yet consistently. you need more help. whether it is DH taking on more or outsourcing things. what you feel comfortable with due to covid might vary, but it sounds like kids are at daycare? can you have someone come by to do laundry and cook wearing a mask while you sit in a room? hang in there!
Anonymous says
Op here. I don’t understand the comment. You would book them today…to travel ASAP? Or just to get them booked because there is no reason not to?
anne-on says
In case anyone else needed a reminder/nudge – Easter is about 6 weeks away and I do not have it in me to bounce around stores trying to put an Easter basket together like I normally would. I just ordered a very cute looking one from a ‘gourmet’ basket place online and the relief I feel knowing it will show up and I have to do NOTHING is glorious.
I am also hopeful we can do an outdoor masked egg hunt with our neighbors this year, which would be SUCH a treat!
Anon. says
Oh good reminder. Last year a local nonprofit did a fundraiser. I paid like $30 for them to hide filled eggs in our yard the night before Easter. Yes, I could do it cheaper myself but seriously it was amazing to take that item off my plate. I need to find out if they’re doing it again.
Twins plus one? says
Anyone have a third kid after twins? I’m thinking about it. Twins are 6 months so I know it’s way too early but am trying to think about when I would make a decision. 18 months old decide to try? I am 35 and got pregnant with twins quickly. The first 4 months of newborns really sucked. But now it’s fun! They’re cute and sleeping! We have space, support, and money to care for the third. But I also know I want a singleton so I can have a shot at doing it “better” — nursing more, carrying baby more, being less freaked out by having two newborns. And maybe a shot at a different gender. Thoughts?
Anonymous says
Absolutely do not have another kid so you have another chance to do it “better.” Parenthood is not law school. There is no prize for being the best. So little is within your direct control. What if #3 ends up being a high-needs baby, or being #3 and #4?
anon says
I don’t say this to be judgmental, but the last part of your paragraph made me cringe. Don’t have another baby so you can have a do-over experience. Don’t do it just because you have time and money. Have another kid because you really and truly want to parent another human.
Anonymous says
You know twins are a possibility again, right? I think you should have more kids if you want more kids, but I don’t think you should have another baby because you want the singleton parenting experience, because there’s no guarantee you will have it.
Anonymous says
Lol. Sorry. Just, with twin toddlers around you’re going to have less time for baby 3. Not more
anon says
6-12 months is the golden baby if theyre sleeping. I’d wait until 18-24 months and see if you still feel like you have the space and capacity for a third.
Anon says
i’m the anon below with twins. and yes, 6-12 months was one of my favorite stages
Anon says
so, i have fraternal twins of the same sex. when DH and I found out we were having twins, my reaction was that i was glad we don’t have to decide whether or not to have 1 or 2 kids. now that my twins are almost 3 i have such baby fever and if i was younger could see myself maybe maybe having another, but probably not because i just don’t think i could handle it. i understand other people’s comments about your use of the word “better,” but as a fellow twin mom, there are definitely some things where i feel like i’ve had to sort of mourn never having the singleton experience both when they are babies and as they age. i know it’s a pandemic so not applicable to you, but it was so so much harder for me to leave the house with the twins than it was for my friends with just one. i also wish i’d spent more time holding them but i was so worried about them needing to be held all the time/barely had enough time to eat or pee between each feed with pumping. we are part of a parents of multiples group, and i know of a couple of families who had twins first, and then had a 3rd before their twins were 2. one even had a third when their twins were only 18 months. personally, i could not have done it. i can think of 3 families off the top of my head, two have identical twin girls and then one had a third girl, while the other had a boy, while the third family has fraternal twin girls and had a third girl. so if you want a third, go for it! but do it because you want to have a third kid.
AwayEmily says
Why not just wait for awhile. They are still so little. My best friend had a third after twins, but not until her twins were 4 years old. They all get along great now.
Anonymous says
I would look at the “worst case” scenario. For us, in deciding to have a 3rd, our “worst case” was that our 3rd had the same poor sleeping/high needs child. We of course knew there would be the possibility of special needs, but that was a bit more outside the scope of our analysis. We decided we still wanted a 3rd, even if she was as much of a handful as our 2nd. We ended up with an easy-as-pie baby.
If you got another set of twins, how would that sit? What about a singleton of the same gender as your others? What if the singleton is extremely high needs? My middle child is 5 and still doesn’t always sleep through the night.
Also, don’t forget that you don’t really get a do-over once you have kids. You may have an easy singleton, but you’ll still have twins on top to interrupt feeding ,sleeping, etc! Even if they are 5, it’s a lot!
Anon says
I don’t have twins, but I’m team have-all-the-babies. If you want a third in a year, go for it (with the caveat that being pregnant with a toddler is really difficult, and you’ll have two toddlers, so maybe wait 1.5 years…) I agree with past comments that a singleton third will be different than having a singleton first (there is not much time to lounge around nursing and watching Netflix when the others still need care), and to only do it if you’ll be okay with same gender (I have three boys). But if you have the feeling that your family isn’t complete, a third would likely be a lot of fun (after the sleepless nights pass)!
anon says
My 11yo and I have fallen into a nice evening routine where we have some quality time after his little sister goes to bed. We usually have a snack and chat from 8:10ish to 8:30ish before he goes to bed around 8:45-9:00. The problem: I am so sleepy-tired by the time we get around to doing this, especially later in the week. He wants to connect, and I want that, too, but I am struggling and just want the day to be DONE. Other than drinking coffee after dinner (and maybe that really is the solution), any thoughts on how to be more alert/awake/able to carry on a conversation at this point? Maybe this will resolve in a few weeks when there’s more light in the evening? IDK, I always feel like a sloth person in the winter, despite taking vit D supplements. I’m in bed by 9:30-9:45.
Anonymous says
I get so exhausted in the evenings that the idea of having to get ready for bed is a huge mental burden. I get around it by changing into PJs before I cook dinner, which has the added bonus of keeping my clothes from getting stained while cooking. I brush my teeth, wash my face, etc. right after dinner. This leaves me feeling much more relaxed and willing to interact with my family.
AwayEmily says
This is BRILLIANT.
anon says
Good idea, thanks!
Anon says
That’s so sweet!
I think maybe at age 11, you could be very honest that you’re exhausted on Friday night and get yourself to bed at 8:45/9 and let him stay up after you. Then add an afternoon chat on Saturday. Add coffee/tea to your making dinner routine on Thursday.
But I think you’ll only get a few years of this and I’d fight for it.
Friday says
This is sweet; I love that you’re getting quality time with him. I’m certainly not above a post-dinner coffee, but could you try doing a minimally brain-engaging activity with kiddo while you chat? Maybe an easy card game or crossword or puzzle?
Anonymous says
My suggestion was also a game. But yes, this is lovely and rare. Embrace it!
anon says
That might work. Chat while doing something else.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Agree with this and agree that this sounds so sweet! I’d suggest a big jigsaw puzzle while you chat. I wouldn’t do coffee that late because it might give you trouble falling asleep.
GCA says
Yes, this! My oldest is in K and not at the emotional-demand level of an 11yo yet, but quality time with him is doing jigsaws or playing boardgames together, or snuggling on the couch while he does a few Duolingo lessons (I stick around to help him read / spell unfamiliar words). Things I can do while exhausted and half asleep.
Anonymous says
Don’t stop to relax before the chat. I can only keep going in the evenings if I don’t stop to take a break/sit down. If I do that, I’m toast. Pick up dinner, get the younger kiddo to bed, wash your face, change your clothes, fold some laundry, whatever. Sit to chat with 11 yo for a bit and then go do your thing/go to sleep. I feel you. I am NOT a night/evening person.
mascot says
Does he want to actually chat or just spend time with you? My 10 year old and I have developed a nice habit where he gets ready for bed and then we will snuggle in his bed or sometimes mine while we each read our own books. Sometimes we chat, but usually, we just peacefully co-exist. If I fall asleep in there, so be it, I’ll move to my own bed later. I know he will be too old for this at some point so I’m enjoying the time while I can. And as his bedtime is naturally shifting later, this helps me emphasize that he needs to respect his bedtime window (so lights out by 9:30) and not stay up too late and get his second wind.
Anonymous says
My oldest is like this too. He just wants to snuggle. I usually try to co-read at least a page or two of his chapter book with him, but he’s just as happy if I just climb in his bed and lie there for a while. Sometimes I sleep-talk to him while we’re snuggling, but there’s no expectation that I’m coherent!
SC says
Is there any possibility of a small break or nap in the late afternoon or early evening, so you’re not so tired at that point?
Anonymous says
Don’t chat every night. Maybe watch a movie together over a few nights? Something that younger sister wouldn’t be old enough for?
Anonanonanon says
Similar-aged kid, and I have the same problem, and feel horribly guilty about it.
As soon as his sister is down to bed, I send him to take a shower. That gives me a small amount of alone time to gear myself up for interaction.
Friday night is movie night so I don’t have to interact too much except to say “woah” or “wow” when appropriate. It’s still doing something together to him, he gets excited about it. I usually let him “make” a pizza from canned dough. Some nights I’ll let him watch a “grown-up” show with us, usually Mr. Mayor lately, because I have fond memories of feeling very grownup watching the same thing as my parents and that show isn’t particularly racy.
I hate board games but connect 4 works for us as something to do to engage but kind of veg at the same time. Same with Spot it.
Anonymous says
When are you waking up? If you’re getting a full 8-9 hours and still feeling that level of exhaustion, it might be worth a visit to your doctor to see if there’s anything wrong. There are a variety of physical causes for excessive fatigue including thyroid problems, sleep apnea, etc. If you’re not getting at least 8 hours I would try lifestyle changes to get more sleep.
anon says
I’m waking up between 5:45-6:00 am most days. I have had my thyroid checked a few times over the years and it’s functioning normally. Honestly, I’ve just never been at my best in the evenings, and it’s much worse in the winter months. If anything, I’m getting more sleep since I started the WFH life. Kiddo happens to be much more of a night owl.
Sf says
Tldr: quit my job on Friday and I start a new job next week!
Full story: I came back from maternity leave in January and it was like my boss was a different person. I had a good mid year review before I left. On my first day back she said I needed to think through my job responsibilities and how I fit in at the firm. Then she gave me the worst review on my career- some points were true but reflective of challenges due to pandemic parenting/covid work and some were total fabrications. But I’ve been talking to an old boss for months about his new firm and decided there was no reason to stay and be miserable. And he’s offered me a bigger role and more money. And I’m no longer waking up in the middle of the night with anxiety. Woohoo :)
Spirograph says
Congratulations!!!
Anonymous says
Hooray! That’s wonderful news.
Anonanonanon says
Congratulations! What a weight off!
anonamama says
Huge!! Congrats to you. I hope all goes well with the new gig.
Anonymous says
Congrats!!! Just curious, how did your boss take it when you told her you were leaving?
Sf says
She was happy. Pretty sure she wanted to push me out and replace me with someone more junior/loyal/cheaper?
But they also made the day I quit my last day/wouldn’t let me give notice because I was going to a competitor. Really freaked out the junior members of the team.