Did Your Mother Work? What Lessons Did You Learn From Her About Work-Life Balance?
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I was just talking about first generation working moms vs. second generation working moms the other day with a friend, and I thought it would make an interesting discussion here: Did your mother work outside the home? To what extent have you adopted or rejected her systems in your own life as a working mother? On the flip side, if your mom stayed at home (thus making you a first-generation working mom), what systems or practices of hers have you most needed to overhaul? What about your partner’s mother — if she worked, have you adopted any of the systems their family had in place? If she didn’t work, do you feel like you’ve had to reset your partner’s expectations? (And another super fun question: Do you feel like you get pushback from your mother or MIL over different choices and different systems?)
For my own $.02, my mother has always been a stay-at-home mom, so most of the home workload (and a lot of the parenting workload, at least in terms of pickups/drop-offs, etc.) always fell to her. She’s never had a cleaning service, and she rarely hired a babysitter. My mother-in-law, on the other hand, has always worked, and I’m grateful for that because my husband has never expected me to do 100% of everything — he’s a very willing participant in the household balancing act, including sharing parenting duties and even things like laundry. Personally, I feel a lot of guilt over things my mom did that I just can’t do — being involved in the parent/teacher association, for instance — and I often feel like a bit of a rebel in playing the “do, delegate, or nope” game and having a ton of lazy mom hacks. (However, technically, I’m probably not a first-generation working mother — my maternal grandmother worked!)
What about you guys? If your mom worked, have you recognized, adopted, or improved her own systems for work-life balance into your own life? If you’re a first-generation working mom, how have you had to adjust the experience you had growing up to fit your own family’s lifestyle now?
Stock Photo via Deposit Photos / pxhidalgo.
I am 4th generation working mum: Great-grandma was a single mum, grandma was a widow, my mum divorced when I was 4. The three of them were entrepreneurs with small businesses, which meant working from home or flexibly, income was just about right to live with no luxuries. Like them, I have usually worked less than full time and I have outsourced the hardest home chores, and childcare. My husband takes a good share of the home responsibility and I have no judgemental thoughts about him doing things right or wrong. Difficult to convince him at the beginning for us to pay for cleaning and some of the cooking, but he realised that it buys time, reduces stress and ensures we eat healthy. In my view, housekeeping is a job itself, so working at an office and also doing the housekeeping is like working two shifts. I recognise juggling work and life can be stressful at times when the baby sitter is off sick, or taking a work call with a toddler around you, take time off work because of daughter being sick, and arriving in the evening to deal with homework. However, being dependant on a husband can be economically risky: what if he loses the job, divorce, death? Also, how is my pension going to be built up? Taking a career break means you lose your network and experience which makes it more difficult to get back to work. So I live up to my female ancestors who proved all is possible.
By the way, I have a lot of respect for women who stay home, the job is to deal with all sort of unexpected situations, with uncertain/low pay in most cases, and fulfilling expectations of many close family members, I found it quite hard over the short periods of time when I have not been working. In my view, to “work” is easier as long as you have your life organised.
Thank you for this topic – reading the responses has been so interesting! I do think we are sometimes a product of our upbringing. For me, what I saw with a SAHM who was financially dependent on an emotionally abusive breadwinner is that I will never let that happen to me. She cleaned and cooked from scratch every single day. My spouse is wonderful – we share all the household chores and staying home with the kids when they are sick. And, although it is hard with a toddler and a baby, I love being a working mom. I’m challenged at work and feel like I’m setting an example for my kids that they can accomplish whatever they want. And, I’ve let go of all a lot – I buy rather than make halloween costumes, buy rather than bake treats for school and we eat a lot of Trader Joe style meals. My husband takes the kids to some dr appts and doesn’t ask the questions I would have asked. But that is cool. Let it go and breathe. Please note that there is no judgment for those who do stay home. This is just what is right for me. I’ve also been fascinated by my mother’s response to my lifestyle. Instead of being happy that I’m financially independent, have a career and also a wonderful family life she seems resentful and has even commented when I complain about being stretched thin that I want to have my cake and eat it too. And she seems to think that because my husband does his share I have a lot of help and have it easy.
Wow! I am surprised at all of the working moms here! I grew up with a SAHM & a dad who traveled extensively for work. Most of the kids I grew up also had SAHM — it was definitely the norm when was younger. (Which is making me question — am I old?)
I have commented about this before on here. Since my mom didn’t work, she took care of everything related to the house & kids. Her house always was (and still is) spotless. She gets bored or angry & rearranges/redecorates rooms in the house because she has no other outlet. She taught us how to clean, but not how to maintain the house — since she did that when we were in school.
My sister & I both work full time. My mom doesn’t understand what it means to be out of the house for 10 hours, 5 days/week and still have to do the house things. When I had a house cleaner, she commented “Didn’t I teach my girls how to clean?” When I got this awesome new convection/speed cooking microwave oven which will cook frozen chicken breasts in 20 minutes she said “Well, I see how that works for /your/ lifestyle….” She doesn’t mean it maliciously, but it is hard not to take it that way. She doesn’t understand why I don’t decorate more for holidays… who has time for that?
I agree with comment above about internalizing having to do all of the house work/child care. It took a long time to realize that I wasn’t a “failure” because I hired help cleaning or because my husband took the kids to the doctor instead of me.
This is fascinating to me. I hadn’t really thought about it, because in my mind I had a SAHM, but now that I think about it I’m probably a third generation working mom. My dad’s mom stayed home and raised 6 kids, but my mom’s mom owned a snack shop and I think worked as a secretary of some kind while mostly singley raising 5 kids (her husband died when my mom was 10). My mother worked nights when I was growing up, but switched to a SAHM when I was 9. She briefly went back part-time when I was in middle school and my youngest sister was in school, but she decided it wasn’t worth it and switched to permanently stay at home. Now that all her kids are grown, she’s started her own floral business. My MIL worked until my husband was born and then was a SAHM.
In my mind, I never thought that I would be the working spouse. In my younger years I was always attracted to similar type-A high-achievers that would never in their wildest dreams consider slowing down for a family, and I love babies and kids and thought I would be happy to do that. My husband is very much a type-B personality and didn’t really love his job the way he used to. So he stays home and I get to keep doing what I love at a very high level that fortunately pays plenty for us to be comfortable. I feel very blessed, but I also never imagined this is where I would end up. My mother secretly confessed she was glad my husband was staying home because she thinks that is better than daycare (a comment I do not at all understand given that I went to daycare – and that I objectively have no issue with daycare and think there are positives and negatives to both arrangements, but whatever). My MIL lost her ever loving mind when my husband told her he wanted to stay home and 2 years later I still don’t think she’s over it, but she at least tries to be supportive in her own way and usually shuts up when he points out that he’s just making the same choices she made which she thinks were good choices and his choices shouldn’t be viewed differently.
My parents had 5 children in 7 years. They both had full-time law careers. I am one of the happiest people I know. They didn’t do a lot of typical parent things. Didn’t make lunches, didn’t cook meals, didn’t watch us play sports, didn’t clean house, didn’t help with hairstyles, etc. my grandmother lived with us and did many of those things. But it was clear to me that my parents loved us “like crazy”. It left me with the opinion that who cooked & cleaned is not what defined parental love, in my case. How much they care for you made the difference. It allowed me to work, be married & raise a child and not sweat the small stuff or stereotypes. My choices & experiences are not going to fit everyone, but I think there are an infinite number of ways to be a working parent and be happy & satisfied.
My mom had periods of time as a SAHM, but mostly worked. My grandma also worked outside the home, does that make me third generation?
I think the bigger factor in my house is that my husband grew up with a working single mom, and he helps carry the household and is amazing with our kids.
What an interesting conversation! I haven’t had a chance to read all the comments, but will add mine:
My experience is very similar to Kat’s. My mom quit her job to be a SAHM when I was born. We did have a cleaning service at certain times during my childhood, but generally my dad worked odd shifts in a hospital and made $$, and my mom did everything else. She was involved in the church, school, and neighborhood communities + a Pinterest mom before that was a thing. It didn’t work out super well, because my parents got divorced when I was in middle school and my youngest sibling was about 6. At that point my mom went back to school to change careers (the technology of her 1st career had changed enough that she really couldn’t re-enter) and become a teacher so her schedule would still roughly match ours. Custody arrangement was something like one weeknight and every other weekend with my dad; my mom still had primary custody. She backed off from doing All The Things, but still shuttled us to extracurriculars, etc. I watched my siblings after school if she wasn’t home yet.
I also feel really guilty for not doing all the things my mom did. She is totally supportive of me continuing to work, and reminds me she did those things because she didn’t have a career outside the house and needed to find ways to talk to adults. Objectively I know that, but my version of momming looks really, really different than how I was mommed, so I’m constantly fighting a nagging feeling that I’m doing it wrong.
My grandmothers also stopped working outside the home when they had kids, but one was (still is!) a seamstress.
My husband’s mom owned a small business and his grandparents were primary childcare. His parents divorced when he was in elementary school, and had joint custody, so he always saw both of them balancing family and career. He is a very equal partner, and values my career (probably more than I do, honestly), which I really appreciate!
my mother was a SAHM when my much older sisters were little and then went back into the workforce (working full time for my dad) when i was a baby. i dont ever remember minding her working. she was frequently very late to pick me up and relied on some ppl to drive me around that i did not love but i dont remember connecting it to her being in the workforce. that being said she was always home by 5 with a homemade dinner on the table by 530 and never worked weekends or traveled for work.
my sisters frequently commented that i had nicer clothes, better vacations, etc. than they did growing up, so i think that the financial freedom my parents gained when she started working (her work enabled my physician father to start his own practice) steered me into a serious career.
my mom’s main advice was to make sure we could always support ourselves, and choose a career where we could be flexible — work part time, take a few years out of the workforce — if we decided we wanted to when we had kids. i have three sisters and none of us managed to make this work. bc it’s not usually possible.
she died when i was in law school so i never got any hands on advice about balance. nice to hear from the other moms indirectly on here.
Just an anecdote about grandmothers– neither of mine worked a traditional job. My paternal grandma helped Rin a seasonal family business so she worked her tail off every summer but not at all otherwise. My other grandma worked prior to marriage, then quit the moment they got married because that was the cultural expectation. She has recently (in her 90s) said she can’t believe she quit, as my grandfather could barely support them at that time. Interestingly she lectured my mom a lot about working, daycare, etc, but a generation later is totally fine with me working and using daycare. Guess she saw we turned out ok!
My mom was a professor. She returned to work full time after I was born, then went part time three years later when my sibling was born. Stayed part time until sibling was in kindergarten before going back full time. I barely remember the part time years, but know it meant we didn’t need full time childcare so I attended a part time preschool rather than 7:30-5:30 like my own kids. Because both my parents were professors, they had fairly flexible schedules and usually did not both teach during the summer. My mom was not very interested in research, and that meant she almost always got home before my dad in the evening, did stuff with us kids on weekends, etc, while my dad worked.(we always had college student babysitters to ferry us to swim team etc., But from when I was 12 we we’re otherwise alone in the afternoons, which was fine.) She was more interested in her teaching work. Taking all that time part time and focusing on family vs research meant she got tenure years and years after my dad and never got promoted to full professor. I’ve talked with her about it some and don’t think she regrets it. I did think about this as I made my own post kids career change from boutique litigation firm to in house jd preferred role– I wanted time with my kids evenings/weekends, even if they’ll be in full time daycare. My spouse’s mother also worked but part time for most of the time, mostly for the benefits as his dad’s a solo practitioner attorney. His dad was not very involved in parenting when the kids were little, and my spouse is emphatically the opposite. His dad has commented that he regrets not being more involved and thinks my spouse is doing it right.
Both my parents worked. When I expressed thoughts about becoming a SAHM, my mom was visibly uncomfortable.
More interesting to me is that my husband was raised by his father with no memory of his mom and no stepmom til he was in his twenties. This has really influenced how he sees gender roles in the household. It influenced me too. Because, honestly, I think that his father was a wonderful dad and also had an excellent, professional job that allowed him to provide for his kids. They lived in the suburbs, played lots of sports, vacationed. Very normal life. However, if his dad had died, his mother had no education or professional experience. Their quality of life would have been so, so different. This is one of the reasons why I continue working, despite our family being comfortable on a single salary. Morbid, I know, but true.
Really interested in this topic! My mom left the workforce between having my older sister and me and re-entered when I was in kindergarten. She was a teacher for her entire career, mostly at private or parochial schools where my sister and I were enrolled for the teacher’s discount and the same schedules (and culture). She really liked teaching and really liked being a SAHM in the summers. I really don’t know how she did it — my dad traveled for for work from Sunday to Friday for many years of my childhood, and we never had a cook, cleaner, daycare, etc. And this, of course, is before Amazon and Shipt! She has come around to being proud of me for being a working mom (perhaps because I earned a JD and the expectation in my family was that you got a master’s degree) but still said that she visits my SAHM sister because “she needs more help.” I try to emulate the good (she was always “present”), let go of what’s not my jam (I can’t sew, so homemade Halloween costumes are out) and thank my lucky stars that DH has rejected a good bit of his traditional upbringing to be more of an equal partner than his dad was. In summary: my mom had a pretty enviable work -life balance, but I wonder how much housekeeping and mental labor she did that was invisible to me as a kid.
Tangentially, I’m curious about whether our sisters and brothers and sister-in-laws do and what lessons about work-life juggling we take away from them.
My mom worked. My Dad’s career was the priority but she always worked in a career she loved.
As a adult, the biggest thing I’ve learned is that it’s okay to not love the working mom thing all the time. When I was debating quitting and staying home, she was very empathetic in sharing her struggles with the same issues. It was an important factor in my deciding to continue to work as her career was such a big part of how I think about her identity that I would have felt sad for her to lose out on that to stay home with me.
Third gen working mom here. When I was younger my mom worked part time, so she was home from work before I got home from school. As I got older and was able to be home alone, she stayed at work longer. The biggest lesson I learned was “store bought is okay.” I never had homemade costumes. School birthday cupcakes always came from the bakery. Dinner was always frozen and out of a box (now, I make everything fresh and use a crock-pot, but that is a dietary preference. No hate on Stouffers.)
I’m a third generation working mom – and not just third generation in the workforce, but third generation in STEM! My maternal grandmother was an engineer in the 1940s. She did leave the workforce when her two kids were very young but returned (as a college math instructor) when they were in elementary school.