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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 105 Comments · by

Finally Friday: Gabrianna Pump

Everyone

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Gabrianna PumpIf you like the look of Calvin Klein’s popular Gayle heel, but prefer a lower heel, check out their Gabrianna pump. At 1.5″ it’s a much lower heel, has good ratings at Zappos, and I like the variety of colors it comes in, as well as the little gold mirror detail on the back of the heel. At $99 it’s pretty affordable; Amazon has limited sizes and colors as low as $44. Calvin Klein Gabrianna (L-2)

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Comments

  1. Anon says

    Internet friends:

    I have a cool opportunity to help my workplace design a new paid parenting leave benefit. The workgroup I’m on has come to an impasse about how six weeks of paid parenting leave should be distributed. So, I ask you:

    Would an ideal parenting leave policy continue with our current practice of allowing birthing moms more options for paid time off than all other types of parents? Or would an ideal parenting leave policy somehow try to equalize the leave benefit for all types of parents? Right now birth moms (but not dads, parents who adopt, or parents via surrogacy) can use as much accrued sick leave as she has – plus STD – for paid leave after a kid is born. Everyone else gets to use 5 days of sick leave, then accrued vacation (if any.)

    Does it make sense to try and draw a distinction between leave that is truly necessary because a birth mom is ‘sick’ and requires help to meet her personal needs (so, say, 2 weeks in an uncomplicated delivery) and then all leave thereafter is “parenting leave” available to all parents to care for and bond with a newborn? Or should birth moms continue to be able to use as many accrued hours of ‘sick’ leave as she can after she gives birth before she starts to use the six weeks of ‘paid parenting leave?’

    There is a strong difference of opinion among our workgroup as to the best approach. FWIW, my personal opinion is that any plan that doesn’t assumes birth mom = best and only caregiver is better, so my preferred approach means taking away some of what birth mom gets in order to encourage / allow other types of parents an equal opportunity to stay home. But I’m in the minority.

    Thoughts?

    • JJ says

      I would recommend legal counsel. You’re going to quickly run into discrimination issues if you start differentiating between gender, and foster a lot of hostility (potentially) from adoptive/foster parents if they don’t receive the same leave as a birth mother.

      • MMK says

        But don’t many places already do this? Offer paid maternity but not paternity? Or have birth moms use STD but offer no paid leave otherwise to other parents?

        • JJ says

          Don’t want to get into the legal weeds, but STD is different because it’s offered by an insurer and is actually insurance for a short term disability resulting from giving birth. If you’re talking purely about paid leave (offered by the employer) that a parent receives for adding a new child to the family, the safest option is to offer the same amount for both sexes.

        • pockets says

          No, for exactly this reason companies distinguish between “primary caregiver” and “secondary caregiver” when creating parental leave policies. At my husband’s firm, the “primary caregiver” got 4 months paid, the secondary got one month paid. Because it’s not gender-based, a man could technically be the primary caregiver and get 4 months (something I encouraged my husband to do, but he refused).

          I would recommend legal counsel as well. It would be fine if the distinction is based on the actual trauma of birth (as with using STD) but you’re treading in dangerous waters.

          • TK says

            Ick, don’t like terminology – it assumes that there will be an unequal distribution of who’s “responsible” for childcare.

      • Anonymous says

        I don’t think this is necessarily true. Canada has a system that grants more paid leave to birth mothers vs. birth fathers or adoptive parents in recognition of the need to physically recover from giving birth. It was upheld by our Supreme Court and we have a constitutional provision which guarantees equality between men and women.

        In OP’s context – my view would be that all parents should get 6 weeks of paid parental leave but for birth mothers it should be in addition to whatever STD or sick leave they have available. You should also not require that the leave be taken immediately after birth (e.g. birth dad can take the leave after mom goes back to work). And also allow the leave to be taken part-time (or a certain % – like 3 weeks be taken part time – so 3 weeks full time and 6 weeks part time).

        The biggest thing is that it should not be ‘at the manager’s discretion’ – my BIL works in that kind of environment and no manager yet has allowed a dad to take the leave.

        My DH took three weeks of half days (he had to use vacation) which was much more helpful to me than having him home only 1.5 weeks. It used the same amount of vacation and his office liked it because he was able to keep up on the most important files.

    • Anonymous says

      What about offering equal paid parental leave to all (I would do this as time off/vacation and not sick leave) and also 6-8 weeks of STD for birthing mothers?

      My org does STD + 4 weeks bonding; I could easily see offering the bonding time to non birth parents. Then STD is used for the period of time that is the “disability” of having given birth.

      Not sure if you’d want to offer this as a separate benefit or require parents use all their vacation time before dipping into the paid 4 week (or whatever) bonding pool…

      • Spirograph says

        Mine does this too. Birth mothers get STD, all new parents get 4 weeks of parental leave (in addition to STD for birth mothers). After that, if you qualify for FMLA, go ahead and take as many weeks unpaid as you want to use it up. Or, use sick/personal/vacation days to take that amount of time off with pay. We are not required to use up our accrued leave before taking the parental leave, but after parental leave is exhausted, all vacation and personal leave must be used before unpaid leave is allowed.

        Also, everyone can take up to 4 weeks unpaid leave every year, but I think those run concurrently with FMLA if it’s for a baby or other health issue.

    • Vi says

      I think equality in paid parental leave – everyone gets six weeks e.g. — benefits women the most b/c it provides an incentive for men to take paid leave. That helps women in their families (more help) and also gender equality in the workplace b/c then any difficulty with the policy is effecting men and women.

      • Anons says

        Unfortunately, when my company looked at this, we saw the opposite. If there was a specific paternal leave that men were encouraged to take (say, 2 or 4 weeks), the men took more leave than if they had “equal” leave to women. If there is equal leave (say, 6 weeks for all parents), what actually happens is that women take all the leave and men take a token amount (1 week or so, depending on the company’s culture). So the “equal” program actually ends up perpetuating inequality.

        At first, it seems counter-intuitive to offer men a lower paternity benefit so that they take more leave, but it has been shown to work to present it that way. It can just be in the marketing–men might legally be able to take all 6 weeks, but the company commits to a paternity leave policy or program where the expectation is for all dads to take at least 4 weeks (and this 4-week expectation is the “Paternity Leave” policy).

        I don’t mean to be combative, but the real world matters in these leave policies. An “equal” policy on the books usually ends up being window dressing and doesn’t result in men actually taking leave. And women should take action to stop that. If that means marketing a separate paternity leave plan that is different than the maternity leave plan, then I call that progress.

    • Anonymous says

      Equitable doesn’t mean that everyone should get exactly the same thing, it means that each person should get what he or she needs. Biological mothers need dedicated time to recover from the birth. All new parents should get some amount of bonding time, and biological mothers should get additional time for physical recovery. Finding a way to classify the birth recovery time as short-term disability separate from bonding time would make this clear.

      Also, you should not force or even tempt new parents to burn their accrued sick leave for maternity leave. They will need this time to cover the illnesses their kids bring home from day care, which the parents themselves may also catch. Leaving new parents without any safety net of accrued sick leave will make them incredibly stressed out and ultimately reduce their productivity.

    • Anons says

      This is tough. There are many sides to this issue. Yes, birth moms do need more time to recover. Yes, it seems unfair to use terms like “primary caregiver” and “secondary caregiver,” but it is actually the reality for many, many families–even dual-career couples committed to an equitable marriage. And there is some evidence that a separate, gender-based leave programs (for example, 4-weeks of paid paternity leave) can encourage men to take MORE leave than if a program is gender neutral. Without a specific paternity program, you end up risking a company culture where men only take one week or so of leave, even if they are entitled to more under a “gender neutral” (ha!) policy. And, all of this has to be done legally, so the final program should absolutely be reviewed by an employment lawyer in your state.

      I would think long and hard about the goals of the program and how to accomplish those goals, such as:
      *What is more important–gender neutrality or encouraging men to take more of the offered leave? You may end up with a different plan, depending on the goal.
      *Are we offering enough recovery time to birth mothers under the final program? FWIW, I think the needs of birth moms trump ideal notions of equality for any program.
      *Are we equitably (not necessarily equally) addressing the needs of all types of parents (c-section mamas, adoptive parents, working fathers, etc.)?
      *Are we ensuring that new parents have enough sick time to use for the child’s illnesses in the first few years (as raised by anonymous)?
      *Is there anything about the way that leave is currently taken that we would like to encourage or change (e.g., have more men take more time off)?
      *What is our company’s culture, and is this plan in synch with it? Do we need to take actions to change company culture as a part of implementing a new program?
      *How will employees find out about and react to their leave benefits?

      And I realize that OP has nothing to do with this issue, but it wrenches my heart that we are talking about distributing 6 weeks (weeks!) of leave, when the conversation should be centered around months.

    • Reese says

      Another thing to consider as well. We have a family friendly sick leave policy, and can take sick leave to care for a family member who is sick, even if the employee is not sick. This also includes the ability to take leave to support partner during delivery and recovery from birth. This can be especially valuable to provide support for a c-section move in the first couple of weeks where she is still not really up and about. If your company has a similar family friendly sick leave policy, it should delineate how a partner can use sick leave to care for the birth mother.

    • Anonymous says

      This conversation is so interesting – I’m in CA and the legislature has set the floor for a lot of these things already. Women who give birth get 6-8 weeks of paid state disability. All new parents get an additional 6 weeks of baby bonding time that is partially paid by the state. This is the base level (assuming you pay into state disability). California also has an additional family leave law that largely parallels FMLA except it provides for 12 protected weeks of baby bonding time (so, again, available to all parents). So, all new parents can potentially take up to 12 weeks of protected time at a minimum – with more available to the women who are physically recovering from birth.

    • OP says

      Thanks, everyone, for your thoughtful and insightful comments. I myself am a biological mother, and I was very, very fortunate to have an uncomplicated pregnancy and birth. I saved up my sick and vacation time, took advantage of an STD policy, and stayed home about 11 weeks, fully paid for most of the time.

      My best friend adopted a newborn, on 2 weeks notice. She did not have time to accrue sick or vacation time, and didn’t have STD as an option. Because of some unrelated health issues earlier in the year, she had exhausted the majority of her FMLA entitlement already. So she had to go back to work at 3 weeks, because her new baby was medically fragile and she was about to be booted off of employer contribution from health insurance b/c she’d run out of FMLA and could afford the premiums while on unpaid leave.

      It seemed then – and obviously still seems – incredibly unfair that by virtue of by biological capacity I had more of an opportunity to bond with my child than she did. But, Anonymous at 2:47, I appreciate the reminder that it is often the case that birth moms do genuinely have needs that are different than parents by other means.

      Thanks to all, appreciate the conversation.

  2. boots says

    Two questions. 1) I leave my pump at work and just bring pump supplies to/from my office. But the medela cooler bag that comes with the pump in style is not cutting it. I can’t fit pump parts and bottles and ice pack in it. Solutions for cooler bags? I’m trying to get one that will fit in my backpack so I don’t have to carry more than one bag (optimistic, I know).

    2) I looked it up but still don’t get why/when to switch to level 2 nipples. We use Born Free bottles with breastmilk. Shouldn’t the baby get more efficient at using level 1 and thus not need to go up? Clearly they do, and we switched at some point with our first kid, but I don’t remember when or why. I read something about sucking too hard and getting air/smushing the nipple down…?

    • Anonymous says

      We used Level 1 nipples right up until my son was 1. Even now he prefers the medium flow over the fast flow. If you are also nursing stick with the Level 1 slow flow as the faster flow of the other ones can lead them to prefer the bottle because they get milk more quickly with less work than with nursing.

    • Edna Mazur says

      Can you have dedicated office only pump supplies? I have a steamer bag, dish soap, two full pumping set ups (including two bottles to pump into), and back up freezer bags that live at the office. The only thing I tote back and forth daily is the bottles and if I forget them, I have the freezer bags as a back up.

      We switched to number two when kiddo started sucking too hard and the nipple got sucked into the bottle.

      • MDMom says

        Yes, I do this also. Buy an extra set of pump parts and leave the other ones at the office to use with steamer bag. The extra because once in a while I’ll want to bring parts home to run through dishwasher or just because I’m running late and don’t want to wait 3 min for microwave. Then occasionally I forget to bring them back the next day. I leave an extra set at the office, so no issues. Also nice to leave an extra bottle or two at the office— I have forgot bottles on one or two occasions and pumping into a coffee thermos is no fun.

    • Anonymous says

      1. If it is at all within your budget, buy a second pump (use FSA dollars?). It will make things so much easier.

      2. Our daughter was on 1s until like 6 months. We were on 2s briefly then moved to 3s around 8 months. I have no idea what the “right” timing was but she did just fine with the 1s so we didn’t switch.

    • Maddie Ross says

      (1) I just bought a normal lunch box – a neoprene Built bag, because it stretched just a bit and was more forgiving than the pump one. And it also seemed easier to carry a colorful bag through the office several times a day, even though everyone pretty much knew what was in it.

      (2) I don’t think we never switched really. By the time it seemed like she was “too” efficient, she was ready for sippies.

      • Meg Murry says

        I also used a bag that looked like a normal lunch bag – that way if I shoved it in the regular fridge no one blinked. The only problem was that another coworker had the same bag, but luckily she was a mom too, so I tied a ribbon on the handle of mine and warned her to please be careful with grabbing the right bag or she was in for a surprise when she got home.

        Mine was like this but in a different print, because one of my cousins sells this MLM and my mom bought it for me. It worked well for the price, and when it didn’t fit in my bag I clipped the handles of the bag to my main bag strap with a carbiner so I didn’t have to carry 1,000 bags.

        http://www.thirtyonegifts.com/catalog/product/1/catid/20/swid/234a/thermal-tote-in-black-links/

    • Anon in NYC says

      I use a Packit cooler bag. It’s one of those that is it’s own ice pack. I find that in my fairly warm office that I can’t just leave it sitting on my desk for 8-10 hours, but if I store it in the office fridge everything stays pretty cold. I have the lunch bag style which is tall and thin, not square-ish. I can fit 4 Medela bottles and pump parts in it (I pump 2x a day so that’s all I need). Given the room I have at the top of the bag, I think you could fit 6 bottles on the bottom and then the pump parts on top of them.

      Switch to level 2 nipples when the baby seems frustrated with the flow of the level 1s. But, there’s no actual *need* to move up.

    • POSITA says

      I used the Medela cooler for the pumped milk and a separate Tupperware for the pump parts. I washed the Tupperware with the parts every night. It was easier to fit the cooler and Tupperware in my work bag than to carry a bigger cooler.

      I used a fridge at work, so the ice pack only had to keep the milk cool for the commute. I didn’t care if the pump parts warmed up at that point. They were on their way to be washed.

  3. Unbiased Info says

    DH and I are expecting our first son and are looking for unbiased information to help us decide the circumcision question. Pros and cons of each side, without a bias – seems very hard to find! Anyone have any tips on how to go about researching this fairly? TIA!

    • pockets says

      No advice, but I did not realize how controversial circumcision was until I had a kid. The comments – wow.

    • Anonymous says

      Our son didn’t have it done. I never saw a specific medical reason to have it done. DH is from Europe and was surprised that it was done here even if no religious requirement. Is there a reason you’re thinking of doing it?

      For unbiased/neutral sources – check the Pediatric Association positions in a variety of developed countries – USA/Canada/Australia/Europe and that should give you a good variety of perspectives.

      • MDMom says

        Our son is not circumcised. I didn’t have a strong opinion- trended towards not doing it but would have done it if husband wanted to. Husband is a doctor and a man (circumcised) so I let him cast deciding vote on that.

        Second looking at Pediatric Professional groups for a variety of perspectives. Also, seriously, Wikipedia has a good overview and list of sources. And whatever you decide is private, you don’t need to explain or advertise your position to anyone if you don’t want to.

    • Anon for this says

      Not scientific, but when I was selecting a pediatrician, I asked 4 prospective doctors what their medical opinion was. 2 said health benefits were equal, 2 said health benefits slightly favored not having it done. We did not have it done.

      6 months after he was born, WHO came out with guidance that recommended it as a means of HIV prevention, but even if we’d had that information prior, I don’t think it would have changed our decision. WHO guidance said that HIV was more prevalent when uncircumcised men had unprotected sex, so hopefully our son can avoid that (and other) risks by engaging in safe practices.

      • Karin says

        I’m from Sweden, and yes, noone here would have it done unless they were Jewish. It’s not even a choice really – I’ve never considered it at all.

    • boots says

      Yeah that’s a tough ask. We circumcized both boys mostly because my husband is, a little for culturally religious reasons, and a little for hygiene. Honestly, the research shows that it’s absolutely not medically necessary, but I just didn’t get all riled up about the pain (it’s short-lived), didn’t feel strongly that they should make the decision for themselves (when it would actually be painful), and just didn’t really care at the end of the day. And if that makes me a monster, so be it. I don’t have a good defense for my position, but didn’t believe the other side strongly enough not to do it. Boys are 4 and 4 months respectively and I never regretted doing it. But I want to stress that I really don’t find the research for doing it very compelling and suspect that over the next few decades rates will continue to go down.

    • Anonymous says

      Oh! I don’t have research but I have cocktail chat. We are having a girl which we just found out but have already had the no-circ discussion (DH is circumcised) and DH was firmly in camp no circ.

      At a wedding, we were chatting with a very decorated physician with a young son. Family is part of a very conservative reform Jewish temple. He did not circumcise his son, despite conflict with religion- they even suggest they “prick” the son vs full circ and he had none of it.

      He then moved to Boston to teach/research and his family found another reform group; they did *not* take issue with the lack of circ, which was astounding to me since I know the practice is rooted in religion.

      It was very reaffirming to see a Jewish doc whose wife is a (Jewish) world class pediatrician and they decided not to do it for their son. Not at all what I would have expect d. He was also a wealth of info on the subject (we are fun at parties, I swear!) and said that it is now far, far less common than in the 80s in the US. I don’t have specific studies but info know they exist.

      It’s such a tricky topic and I’m glad we avoided it by having a girl :-)

    • boots says

      Yeah that’s a tough ask. We did it with both boys mostly because my husband is, partly for culturally religious reasons, and a little for hygiene. Honestly, the research shows that it’s absolutely not medically necessary, but I just didn’t get all riled up about the pain (it’s short-lived), didn’t feel strongly that they should make the decision for themselves (when it would actually be painful), and just didn’t really care at the end of the day. And if that makes me a monster, so be it. I don’t have a good defense for my position, but didn’t believe the other side strongly enough not to do it. Boys are 4 and 4 months respectively and I never regretted doing it. But I want to stress that I really don’t find the research for doing it very compelling and suspect that over the next few decades rates will continue to go down.

      • Philanthropy Girl says

        We did it with our little guy too, for similar reasons to what you mentioned. I was open to not doing it – but it was important to DH. My sister is a nurse, and especially when she worked in geriatrics she saw a lot of problems from lack of hygiene. I went with DH’s preferences and sister’s two cents, mainly because not having that type of plumbing I didn’t consider myself to be an expert or in a position to have much of an opinion.

    • Jewish Mama says

      I am biased. However, our pediatrician framed it solely as a trend issue in this country, and if a father wanted his son to look like him. That did it make it personal for my husband.

      Disclosure: I am biased in favor of circumcision, for religious, appearance and hygiene issues, all of which could be overcome by someone, I am sure, and I don’t judge or hold grudges. I trust you. Many of my Jewish friends were also glad to avoid the topic by having a girl! We did use anesthesia at the procedure/ceremony for my two boys.

      • Anon says

        I am happy your doctor framed it as a trend issue because it really is.

        My son is circumcised. We are not Jewish. Our reason, however, was no cosmetic so much as anecdotal experience that my BIL had complications from not being (even though my husband is, no one knows why MIL split the decision between the two).

        OP, you’re right–it’s hard to get unbiased info where there’s this undeniable definite reason to or not to do it. This is why I feel perfectly okay about our decision, I don’t think there is a wrong decision here on what is best for your son. Our pediatrician was really indifferent and essentially said the current research as a whole provides no strong reason not to or to do it.

      • Anonymous says

        I know your post is thoughtful and serious, but it did make me LOL a bit to read that it could be a matter of a father wanting his son to “look like him.” I’m imagining people telling me my daughter looks just like me because we have the same … vaj. Does this really happen? People saying, he looks just like you! while considering the two peens? Please explain– no intention to offend, I’m sure I must be missing something!

        • NewMomAnon says

          This was actually crucial to my ex – he felt like he “understood” how to care for a circumcised boy because he himself was circ. There was also something about not wanting to explain to a son why they looked different….I don’t claim to understand it. I was relieved that my kiddo was a girl in large part because I didn’t want to make this decision.

        • Anons says

          This is a thing. It is just so much more visible for men. So it may matter what dad and brothers look like, and also what the high school locker room might be like (as some areas skew to be more or less circumcised).

        • Clementine says

          Yeah, ‘wanting to look like Dad’ is actually a pretty common reason.

          It was a really hard decision for us. We had the whole pregnancy, plus the whole time the kiddo was in the NICU and didn’t decide until a nurse actually said, ‘Okay, you guys need to tell us by noon today so he can be ready for discharge.’

          I let my spouse have a much bigger say as I don’t have as much personal experience with having a penis. He did a lot of research and ultimately there wasn’t enough evidence that it was necessary. We also had a NICU baby who had been poked and prodded much more than most, so for us it was one more thing to put him through.

        • MDMom says

          Ha. I have the same reaction when I hear people state it that way, but I think it’s just a way to say that people tend to prefer what is familiar to them. If you have one experience and it’s been fine for you, it’s a little scary to choose the unknown for your kid. At least I think it’s more likely that than a desire to have grandma change a diaper say “ah he looks just like his father!”…

      • Lyssa says

        The potential complications of not doing it were what encouraged us to. I used to work in disability, and I was surprised at how common claims for phimosis (where the foreskin just tightens up and requires the fellow to get it removed surgically to release things) were, and my husband had a friend who suffered it as a teen. It’s not a big problem in the sense of it being life-threatening, but it’s definitely not something that a teen or young adult wants to go through. But I declared my husband the official expert on all things p-related, and told him that it was really his decision. I think that either option is perfectly reasonable.

        We happened to be chatting with a urologist a few months back at a wedding, and he said that he highly recommends just getting it done on infants. He said that he had to do one on a 90 year old man recently due to complications, and that it is not a pleasant thing to do in adulthood.

        • NewMomAnon says

          My grandpa had to have it done in his 80s, and it was a rough experience for him and for my mom, who cared for him afterward. That was the justification that pushed me into the “pro” camp, but it wasn’t a strong “pro.”

    • In House Lobbyist says

      We did it with our son but waited until he was a few months old and went to a ped urologist for it. Just check with your insurance company because mine only covered this type of procedure until 6 months and then again once they were 2 or 3. My son was a few weeks early and was 4 pounds and we were still learning how to nurse and I didn’t want any extra stress was why I didn’t do it in the hospital.

      • Katala says

        We went back and forth. My husband is circ so the wanting son to look the same did factor in. Still, we decided against it.
        Now, a surgeon will do it to get skin to repair a birth defect – he will end up normal, but circumcised. Just to say, as with all things parenting, you don’t necessarily have the control over it you think you do.

  4. Famouscait says

    I am on the hunt for a backup care solution, and I’d like your thoughts on what I’m considering. Scenario: kiddo has been out of daycare ALL WEEK with diarrhea. Hubby and I both have flexible jobs and can easily cover a day or two, but managing this week has been extremely difficult. Family is not near enough (or willing) to come on short notice, and our regular babysitter is only available evenings/weekends.

    I put a hail-Mary ad on Craigslist and the only response I got is from a retired K-12 educator, who frankly, sounds perfect. Local, retired, young-ish grandparent age, but has grown kids and no grand kids of her own. Its a small enough town that I feel I can thoroughly verify her references, but it feels odd to consider leaving my kiddo ALL DAY with, essentially, a stranger. (To clarify: I don’t foresee needing her in this instance, but for future illnesses.)

    What can I do, what questions can I ask, how else can I verify that she is as good as she seems? (FWIW, I have a (somewhat) justified fear of child predators masquerading as normal folk, based on personal experience.) I want to be cautious but reasonable. Thanks.

    • Anonymous says

      Can you have her complete a police check and a child protective services check? You could offer to pay the fees. Not sure if she would be offended – it’s common in my area for prospective nannies to advertise that they have the checks done.

    • Anonymous says

      Can you work from home with this caregiver for at least the first day? Have someone drop in to check during the day? Tell her you have the house videoed?

      • Anonymous says

        And/or between now and the next illness have her babysit for shorter stints or on weekends when someone is home so you & kid get to know her?

    • Anons says

      Check her references. Consider a background check and driving check. If you use a payroll service (we use Homepay), I think they can help with this. Listen to your gut. Come home early one day or work from home one day.

    • Meg Murry says

      Does she provide this service for any other families, or would you be her first client? My concern (more so than stranger danger) is whether she is up-to-date on current safety recommendations like which foods are considered choking hazards, proper use of a car seat, safe sleep practices, etc – all things my parents and in-laws had to re-learn when my kids were born, as recommendations have changed since they had babies.

      I think the best way to do it is to try to find a way to make her less of a stranger. Like others suggested, could you use her as a sitter for a date night, a Saturday, etc? Could you pick up kiddo from daycare early one afternoon and work from home the rest of the afternoon while you do a trial with the fill-in nanny?

      If she works out, the other thing you should consider asking is if she would be willing to be an emergency contact person that could pick up baby if daycare had to close suddenly – for instance, like when our daycare shut down because the water main broke and we had 1 hour to get our kids. Having another person you trust on that emergency contact list is so valuable.

      • Famouscait says

        Thanks, this is all really good advice. You’re so right about making her less of a stranger. I got comfortable with the babysitter, so I’m sure I can do this too.

        Would it be helpful or weird to have her “shadow” the regular babysitter for a few hours? I would trust regular babysitter’s opinion.

  5. Meal for new mama? says

    Hi all! My dear friend just had her baby and I want to bring them a freezer-friendly meal this weekend. However, I am at a very elementary level in the kitchen so it needs to be simple to put together. Or else I will likely just give up and buy them something, but I like the home-style touch. Ideas? (With details, if it’s not a recipe link, please :). Thanks!

    • Anonymous says

      If you don’t want to cook get a rotisserie chicken from your deli, some veggies and rice from their hot bar, and a pint of ice cream. If you have a Whole Foods near you, they usually have a great deli bar, including yummy whole grain salads (quinoa, bulghur, etc.) that will be a nice change to the usual lasagne. My opinion, having been on the receiving end of this, is that people put way too much emphasis on the freezer-friendly options. Give me something fresh! That isn’t a casserole! My kingdom for a kale salad!

    • mascot says

      How about brining breakfast foods instead? I would have been delighted with some bagels, cut-up fresh fruit and hardboiled eggs.

  6. Anonymous says

    Go to cookinglight dot com and search “individual white chicken pizzas.” They taste amazing, freeze well, can be cooked straight from the freezer, and are easy to make if you use packaged ricotta instead of making your own as the recipe advises.

  7. Always tired says

    Ladies, I just took a 30 min nap on my office floor (don’t worry, I closed the door and shut off the light first. It’s quiet around here today and no one bothered me). I’m not one of those people who can nap anywhere, so this was a huge feat and probably indicates just how tired I am. I have a 16-month-old at home and I’m due with my second this summer. Our child didn’t start sleeping through the night until a few months ago, but now, with the pregnancy insomnia, I’m back to the sleepless night routine.

    I feel like I do it all — cooking, cleaning, child care, and getting my kid to and from childcare. I do much of this without access to a car, which can make it even more exhausting, and I do this on top of working full time. Luckily, I do have the option to work from home a few days a week, but sometimes I find those days more tiring as I’m juggling both work and some housework. Sadly, I don’t have room in my budget to hire a cleaning person or nanny as we’re saving for a down payment.

    I know I’m not the only who is dealing with this. How do you all make it work? How do you manage to keep it together without letting motherhood, work and housework consume you? Is there a trick? Is there some book I should read to help me manage my time better?

    • TBK says

      My kids sleep through the night and I’m not pregnant — I think when you get through these two things, your exhaustion will lift considerably. But I’m still worn out most of the time. I just figure the physical labor will get easier as time goes on. I know weekends will be less exhausting when everyone can move themselves around on their own. The fact that my twins are now 2 and can walk from room to room is huge. But they still need to be physically lifted from their cribs, dressed, lifted into their high chairs, lifted into the stroller, lifted into and buckled into their car seats, lifted in and out of the bath, and one is in a clingy stage and wants to hang out sitting on my hip (with me standing – NOT sitting) anytime I’m with him — it’s a workout. I think my weekends will be considerably more restful when they can just walk down the steep front steps, walk to the car (without running into the street), and climb into the car on their own.

      • Anonymous says

        My 2.5 year old started climbing in and out of her car seat 2 months ago and it has been a game changer!!! She’s slow but it is *so nice* not to have to lift!!!

        We have an Acura MDX and she really has to hoist herself but she can do it! And requires “all by myself” ;)

        She also eats dinner in a chair (that she gets into) because I hate high chairs and tossed ours at 18 months.

        • TBK says

          I can’t wait for them to get themselves out to and into the car on their own. However, we live in a townhouse on a hill, next to an extremely busy street. So kids either have to go down about 20 steep concrete steps to the parking lot, or if we’re parked on the street, down the 8 steep concrete steps from our front door and then over to the very busy street. If it’s just one of us taking them out, we put them in a stroller just to contain them and then load them into the car one by one. The day we can trust them to stay on the sidewalk and not run into the street will be a golden one.

    • MomAnon4This says

      Talk to your doctor. I am pregnant with #3 and regularly take Unisom the night after a tough night. During #2 the midwife also said Tylenol PM was OK. Sleep!

    • MomAnon4This says

      Also you don’t mention your partner at all. Is this intentional? I think it’s OK to have a sit-down with Partner and say, “Sleeplessness is a form of torture. I need sleep to be the best partner/mom/me. You need to help more. Now and after the next baby comes.” Surely your partner has noticed the effects?

      If a partner is not in the picture, get someone else, a friend, to stay the night or take over a weekend morning so that you can feel more comfortable taking a Unisom or sleeping in. You really need sleep – and help! Good luck.

      • Anons says

        +1! If partner won’t help, then some of that downpayment money needs to go to a mother’s helper, both now and after the baby comes. You are getting run down. There is no trick or time management book that will magically create more time or resources for you. You need help, so find out the best way to get it.

        • Anonymous says

          +10000

          My DH is home full time at the moment. With three kids, we still pay someone to help 2-3 hours/week. He washes the laundry and the mother’s helper comes once a week – folds everything, puts in away in the drawers, strips all the beds and puts on fresh sheets. We also have biweekly cleaners.

          You need to make a list of all the chores and divide them up fairly (mowing the lawn a few times in the summer does not equal emptying the dishwasher everyday). You should not be doing all childcare drop offs/pick ups plus cooking and cleaning – that’s crazy. If he can’t do his share, then you need to use the down payment money to hire someone (and no – he doesn’t get to pay someone to do his share while you have to do half the work yourself- the helper helps both of you.).

          You’re pregnant and exhausted – don’t risk your health (physical or mental) for a downpayment

        • Lorelai Gilmore says

          + 1 million.

          You cannot do all of this alone. You need help. For me, the best thing to outsource is cleaning – we have cleaners come 2x/month, pay them $110/visit, and it is the best money I spend. I hear you on saving for a down payment, but this is a priority. Is there a reason why you are not talking about partner’s role in helping with all of this stuff? There is no magic to making it all work; it’s just really hard and the only way to make it easier is to outsource some of it. That’s it.

    • NewMomAnon says

      I don’t know how I would have managed all of that while pregnant – I was exhausted. My house was a wreck, we ate take-out a lot, and I drove everywhere during my third tri. And I didn’t have a little one at home!

      Honestly, stop saving for a down payment and start spending for your sanity (and your marriage). Ownership of a house (or a bigger house) means more work, and I guarantee that much of the increase will fall on you. In an ideal world, hubby would step up to take some of that work off your plate (especially while you’re pregnant, and definitely once baby is born), but I have learned that we don’t live in an ideal world….you need to outsource.

    • Anonymous says

      Go to bed earlier. Have your 16 month old’s dad do bedtime or early AM to give you more time.

      I have a 2.5 year old that has slept through the night since like 8 months old, but in pregnant and due this summer and j am flat-on-my-@ss exhausted. So much so I talked to my OB because it’s like the 1st tri exhaustion never went away and I thought something was wrong. She said “I’m going to write you a prescription for your husband to let you rest.” He wasnt/isn’t unhelpful, but never went out of his way to take over my “jobs” around the house. Once we chatted and I told him this wasn’t like my last pregnancy where I helped him renovate the kitchen at 7 months pregnant and in fact I need to get 13 hours of sleep per day, he really started helping.

      I also nap with my kid on the weekends…and mostly j nap while she “reads” books to me since napping is on its way out ;)

      I have also gained 26lbs while eating very well and remaining active; I’m sure my body isn’t living that either.

      Good luck, and sympathies!!!

    • Anon says

      I would give myself the permission to cut into down payment savings in favor of a cleaning person, if I were you. Or maybe promise yourself to go out for dinner less or something in order to afford it? Also, when people offer help, take them up on it. I am so over being shy about accepting/asking for help. Ditto regarding the earlier comments re division of labor with your partner. Other than these brilliant nuggets, I don’t really have advice, but I have been there pregnant and napping on the office floor with a 16-mo at home, and it does get (somewhat) less exhausting and easier, eventually. You’ve got this!!

    • Meg Murry says

      In addition to all the other good advice you got here:

      -Cancel all your weekend plans, tell your husband to take the baby out of the house, and nap this weekend. Or if you can’t sleep, at least lay in bed or on the couch with a book or magazine (no screens).
      -Make sure it is as easy as possible for your husband to help you – a shared grocery list so he can pickup groceries too, laundry hampers so he can just throw a load of whites in himself, etc.
      -Let your standards go a little. Don’t freak out if your husband doesn’t load the dishwasher the same way you do, fold towels the same way you do, or if your kids clothes don’t perfectly match. And if your bathroom doesn’t shine or your carpet has some cheerio dust, the world won’t end. My mantra after my second was born was “it might not be the way I would have done it, but at least I didn’t have to do it myself”
      -Allow yourself to buy convenience foods (rotisserie chicken, frozen meals), use paper plates, etc to get you through this period, whatever it takes to take things off your plate.

      -Is the insomnia because you are physically uncomfortable or because your mind is racing? Can you try to find some meditating techniques to help with the racing mind? For instance, I get very anxious that I am forgetting something, so I keep a small notepad next to my bed, and when I wake up and say “oh no, I have to remember to call XYZ tomorrow” I can write down “call XYZ” and then know that my brain didn’t have to remember it because my paper would.

      And in addition to all that, be sure to mention how you are feeling to your doctor – it is possible you have low iron or are otherwise low in another vitamin. I am often borderline anemic, and I had to take additional iron beyond my prenatals during pregnancy.

      Consider this a trial run for the exhaustion that will come when you are caring for a newborn, and get your husband on board now.

    • Always tired says

      Thank you all for the replies. Right now, I need to hold down the home front while my husband works long hours during his busy season. He should be able to do more around the house in a few months, but because I’m the one with a shorter commute and more flexible job, a lot does fall onto me. Otherwise, it just won’t get done. Trust me, he knows how I feel. I’ve been leaving honey-do lists and have asked that some things get done before bed (like dishes, for example).

      I’m loathe to hire cleaners because 1) I haven’t been impressed in the past and 2) we do have a very small condo. Plus, that down payment is a high priority for me, and I’m not sure where else we can borrow from to justify the expense in our HCOL area.

      The insomnia is hormonal, I think. Had the same thing with my first. Something wakes me up (usually a need to go to the bathroom) and BAM, up the rest of the night. I did just go buy some unisom and I hope that helps.

      Thank you all for weighing in.

      • Anonymous says

        So, I have pregnancy insomnia and both of my kids are not sleeping badly recently, so my sleep quality is terrible. My husband is helpful when he’s home, but has been traveling a lot. I am outsourcing absolutely everything at the moment. Blue Apron, instacart, task-rabbit, housecleaner…these are all my best friends. Yes, it’s is expensive, but it’s temporary and my sanity is worth it. Being able to go to bed when my kids do instead of worrying about errands and housework buys me at least a couple hours of sleep before they start waking up in the middle of the night.

        I totally understand where you’re coming from with wanting to save money, but if you need a nap on your office floor, I really encourage you to think of this as a short term thing to get you through your husband’s busy period at work. If you hire an independent cleaner – ask neighbors or check local listservs for recommendations – for your small condo, it should be <$100 every two weeks. If you keep it up for 3 months, you've only dented your down payment savings by $600; not a *huge* amount in the grand scheme of things. Even if they don't do as good of a job as you would have (and none ever do, IMHO), that is hours of time you get back. And you'll have the joy of coming home to a clean house at least once every two weeks. Trust me, it is a joy.

        • Anonymous says

          are not sleeping well / are sleeping badly. see, so tired I can’t even make the sentence correctly.

  8. TBK says

    Thank you to everyone for the play kitchen recommendations! We went with the Hape set (stove/sink and fridge). It was extremely easy to put together, and is sturdy but relatively lightweight. And it’s adorable! We set it up last night and let them discover it this morning. They’re only just 2 so mostly they put the salt and pepper in the fridge, threw the play food on the floor, and opened and shut the doors a lot. But I think it’s going to be a good addition to the play area. Also I seriously love the ice cube dispenser in the door!

  9. Clementine says

    Guys, I’m really sad that I can’t have any more babies myself. I know I’ve told my story on here before, and before anyone suggests it YES I am in therapy. My therapist keeps telling me I need to just feel the uncomfortable feelings as part of my healing process.

    It’s extra hard because everyone around me is pregnant. I was also the super healthy pregnant lady who dragged herself to the gym and ate salads when all she wanted was pizza and naps… I see all these people around me who have no complications with their pregnancies who do all the ‘wrong’ things… It hurts and today I hurt.

    Thanks for just letting me let that out.

    • Anonymous says

      It is a grieving process. It probably won’t ever be 100% better, but it will come bearable. Hugs.

      • Clementine says

        You know what they say, waiting is the hardest part. Waiting to feel better is… sucky.

    • Scarred and Sad says

      I’m familiar with your story, and while I did not experience the same issues you did, I do recall being stung by your posts about your childbirth experience. I also learned the hard way that there are no guarantees in life, and childbirth in particular, and I have the scars to prove it. There is something about this game of life that can make us all weep or lash out in anger. I am actually jealous of women who have to give birth by the side of the road or in a bathroom because it would be much better than being cut open against my will. But, I try to be grateful for what I do have and still give myself the permission to grieve.

      Also, it’s not a contest. Suggesting that someone who does “everything right” deserves outcome A versus outcome B when it comes to things like this isn’t a healthy way to proceed. No one deserves what happened to you. Not you, not the pregnant lady who is having deli meat and a beer for lunch. I know it’s tough (as I said before, I get irrationally jealous), but perhaps try to focus inward instead of outward?

      • Clementine says

        I’m so sorry for what you went through- I was very lucky that my providers were very competent and respectful.

        I absolutely know it’s not a contest, but I’ve realized that one of my central beliefs is that living a healthy lifestyle will ultimately result in positive health outcomes. This was totally shattered and I’m struggling with that. I’m also just acknowledging my jealousy here… it just had to come out today.

      • Anonymous says

        There is a Longest Shortest Time Podcast on processing an unwanted c-section. Not sure if that might be helpful for you.

    • Spirograph says

      Hugs. Your therapist probably tells you this, but I want to echo him/her: It is OK to feel sad. And it’s OK to feel jealous or angry at the blissfully ignorant pregnant women around you. I’m really glad you and LO both came out of your scary experience healthy, and sorry that you are going through this.

      • Clementine says

        Thank you. I look at my kid and am so glad that baby is okay, but knowing how much I enjoy pregnancy and childbirth (even knowing the scary stuff!) today the sadness is just a lot.

        I think a big part of this is seeing a close friend’s sonogram pictures today. It just hurt so much… I refuse to shut myself off from this though and I won’t let it change who I am. I’m that woman who snapchats cowboy hats onto sonogram pictures when it looks like there’s a lasso in the picture and today I was able to outwardly still be that person. That’s my tiny bright spot in today.

        • NewMomAnon says

          I’m struggling with that too. It’s hard. You are doing the right things; talking, sharing your feelings, processing. In some period of time, you’ll look back and realize how much progress you’ve made, and how much stronger you are for the experience. Until then, hugs.

    • Pogo says

      I don’t know your full story, but I wanted to say hugs, and hang in there.

      I too have that feeling of unfairness with “we’re so healthy, why can’t we get pregnant”. I have a friend who didn’t know she was pregnant for the first two months and drank, smoked, etc. It made me want to tear my hair out because if I ever get knocked up I will know immediately and be the model pregnant person. But you know what, I still love my friend and I hate myself for even thinking that about her. It’s not her fault I can’t get pregnant.

      Being a woman is hard. I have a lot of other complicated issues related to my infertility that I was just speaking to my therapist about this morning. She pointed out that you need to trust other women to be the best moms that they can, and to not project anything on to them. But it’s hard.

      I wish you healing.

    • anon says

      I’m several days late to this post but I wanted to add a voice from a bit further out in case you’re still subscribed. I’m done having kids, and have a little bit of the ache still–not at all like you’re experiencing, just an “ahh” moment when I see a newborn on the street. But even after each my hum drum pregnancies there was a moment when I was irrationally and immediately angry/sad for not being pregnant again, and that lasted for several months. Point it: I do think a lot of the intensity of that feeling comes with the hormones, and that the hormones are with you a long time–1+ years, IME. My “baby” is turning two soon, so I still get those twinges, but I do swear that it fades over time. It never goes away for some of us, but it does get better. Hugs from way out in internet land: feel the feels, but there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

  10. I hate being pregnant says

    I just hate it. I am sick and tired all the time and there are still four months to go. UGH. I hate being sick all the time! It is the worst!!! I just needed to vent because I am over people telling me what a joyous time of my life this is. It’s awful.*

    *And yes, I am definitely excited about the baby. I just hate the 9 months of getting there.

    • Hugs for All says

      Interesting to see this vs. the post above.
      We’re all here and we’ve all been each other at different times, says a mom currently unexpectedly pregnant and still uncomfortable.

      #empathy

    • Clementine says

      Someone said to me, ‘Someday, this will be but a blip on the radar of your life.’

      Pregnancy doesn’t last forever, you do have a finish line. Hang in there! Also, I personally give you permission to go eat a pop-tart/ takeout chinese food/ ice cream/ whatever you are craving at the moment.

    • Anonymous says

      Hello! Also due in July, also miserable, and I hattttte being pregnant. It totally cramps my style. And so does mat leave and pumping and the whole shebang.

      I *love* my 2.5 year old and I would like to just clone her. Or have another kid appear her age in a few years :-)

      My feet are swollen, I have heartburn all the time, I really miss wine, my clothes don’t fit, I’ve already gained 25 lbs doing all the right things (i.e. Eating healthy…and I gained and lost 65 with my first so I guess this is how I work?), I need an absurd amount of sleep and I literally high speed waddled through Target and lost my cool because I was SO SLOW.

  11. Anonymous says

    Anyone want to help me decide on a laptop tote? (I’m finally ready to pull the trigger and stop using the branded messenger bag from my summer associate days, alternating with the too-small bag that I try to stuff everything in unsuccessfully — Congratulations to me!) I want it to be big enough for a laptop and files, and it needs to be good for commuting/walking — so probably cross-body. I think I have narrowed it down to two, but happy to consider any dark horse candidates!

    1. Daame: http://daame.com/products/midi-laptop-tote-black
    2. Lo&Sons: https://www.loandsons.com/the-brookline-tote?product=123

  12. I hate being pregnant says

    hugs to you, too, Clementine. I’m sorry it’s hard for you right now as well.

    July 19th can’t come soon enough. I can’t wait to eat again.

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