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Kid/Family Sales
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Moving cross country with an infant? says
Curious if anyone here has (or has considered) moving cross country with an infant, and if so what their experience was and how they made that decision. My husband is interviewing for a job in California (Bay area); we live on the East Coast and just had our first kid in December. Both our families are here, within a 2 hour drive. On the one hand, it would be an incredible professional opportunity for him and there are a lot of job opportunities for me in that area. I was already planning to look for a new job post-baby, so I have flexibility there. On the other, we’d be moving away from most of our friends and all of our family and our community here to be in a brand new place with a tiny baby and no support while my husband throws himself into a new job with a likely less friendly work-life balance than what he has currently. I don’t want him to pass up a great opportunity, but I also don’t want to follow him out there and be lonely and miserable. Any thoughts much appreciated!
Anons says
Just from what you say here, I wouldn’t do it. The value of your family and friends close by is so significant. It would have to be an incredible, once in a lifetime, change the entire trajectory of his career, job opportunity. By it doesn’t sound like that–it just sounds like a great opportunity. Another great opportunity could pop up on the east coast. And the work-life balance trade off sounds terrible in your situation. Obviously I don’t know all the details of your situation, but it sounds like the job would need to be 1 in 10 million to make the trade offs worth it, and it is very unlikely that is the case.
Spirograph says
I agree with this, but for me it would also depend whether you see this as a long-term move or more along the lines that you’ll go out there for a few years with the intent to come back with great diversifying work on both of your resumes. I can do anything for a couple years.
That said, I am insanely jealous of people who have family nearby. We’ve lived in our area for years and have good friends here, but it’s not the same as being able to lean on grandparents or siblings. You’re right to think long and hard before you give that up.
Moving cross country with an infant? says
Thanks for the replies! To add more detail-I think it might be an incredible, once in a lifetime, change the entire trajectory of his career, job opportunity, as much as anyone can tell from a job interview. I’m still not sure it makes the trade offs worth it, but its why we’re even considering it. And I think right now we don’t see this as super long term. We want to be close to family as our parents age, especially as I’m an only child. I think my husband is really excited about this opportunity, understandably, but is then discounting how valuable family close by is, particularly when kiddo is older and we’re back ti two working parents. And hopefully have another kid. Sigh. Being a grown-up is hard.
anon says
If it’s just a couple years, I’d say go for it.
One thing I’d warn you of: I did this (but moved towards family, away from friends) and I have found it very hard to meet new friends with an infant. Once she starts “school” and whatnot, I’m sure she will be our own little social network, but in general, you are going out less and sort of holed up for a bit and yeah, I just didn’t make the mom friends I was expecting. Right now I kind of only have time for work and baby (if that) so there’s not much time for forming new bonds.
If you’re someone who doesn’t place too high a value on that (my husband) it won’t bug you. For me, I still miss living near friends, even though I would make the move again to be near family.
Onlyworkingmomintulsa says
Hi, just wanted to completely sympathize. Same exact situation and now we have a 3 year old and a 1 year old and have been living here for three years and still no real mom friends (see user name) and my friends from hs who live here are all still single and going out often. I hope it gets better for us when they start school!
Anonymous says
Come join the Junior League! There are chapters in SF, Oakland, Palo Alto and San Jose. There’s also an awesome group in the valley called Las Madres which has meet ups multiple times a week. I really like the women I’ve met in both. I imagine there are similar groups elsewhere in the bay area.
anon says
This is great except our chapter only allows you to join once a year and you have to know three current members – this seems exhausting! I’m totally pro junior league though. Also you have to do a couple hours service every week for the first year which means a couple hours away from my one year old :(
I told my little sister to join though!
Onlyworkingmomintulsa says
I’m a first year active! I’ve met a lot of nice single girls, but no working moms yet : ) Hopefully my committee next year will be more diverse.
Anonymous says
Each league varies greatly in requirements. Mine (Palo Alto) has two incoming classes a year and does not require knowing any current members. I definitely did not do a couple hours of service every week. More than half my chapter is women who currently have jobs, and almost all of the women have had careers-type jobs even if they are currently staying home with kids.
I hear the southern ones have a lot more admission and service requirements.
Anonymous says
I wouldn’t do it. My parents are both retired and while they are not willing to provide full time childcare they pinch hit in so many many ways. Sick child and big meeting? Grandparents come by to watch kid. They take my daughter to swimming lessons every week (pick her up early at daycare) which frees up so much time on the weekends. Plus, once kids are a bit older – the occasional weekend sleepover with grandparents is like a free
mini vacation.
JJ says
I agree. We have both sets of grandparents in our city and while they’re not primary caretakers, we’ve literally never had to hire a babysitter in the 4 years that we’ve had kids. We like our city and area fine, but would love to live somewhere else ideally, yet we want our kids to grow up close to their grandparents and we like having a support network. If it were a several hour drive away, I think that’s one consideration. But the opposite side of the country would be too far (for us).
Meg Murry says
Oh my goodness, yes to the value of grandparents as backup/secondary care. If you move across the country, take into account what it would mean to have to pay for babysitters instead of grandparents in your calculations.
And as kids get older, grandparents get even more valuable. My 3rd grade son had a school project to do this week, and he wanted to make it waaaaay more complex than the bare minimum he would have been able to do himself. Grandma to the rescue – she picked him up from the after school program and they spent two afternoon/evenings crafting away, and that allowed me to spend time with my youngest doing something other than say “here kid, watch Curious George while I do homework with your brother”
I’m not saying don’t take the job – but I am saying that it is not a decision to be made lightly, and your husband needs to understand that he’s asking a lot of you to move.
JJ says
My husband and I generally go on two long-weekend type trips a year (maybe 3 if we’re lucky) without the kids. It’s wonderful to just be able to give them to our parents. I have friends that have to fly out their parents to watch the kids (or don’t take couples-only vacations at all). Those vacations are so important to us – and we’re able to do them because we live near grandparents.
Spirograph says
This sounds like heaven. We have to fly one of our parents to us first, then go on our own trip. The logistics are difficult, since our parents aren’t yet retired, and it’s costly. Hence, we haven’t had a “just us” vacation in almost 2 years.
EB0220 says
I really underestimated the joy of having grandparents close by. My in-laws live about 10 minutes away and in the two years we’ve been in the same town as them, they’ve saved our butts constantly. Big meeting + sick kid, babysit once a week and more if needed, we’ve gone on a few overnight kid-free trips, they help with pickup/dropoff when one of us travels. It is invaluable.
anon says
We have a one year old and are about to make the opposite move (moving TO the grandparents). It’s super scary and just the logistics are mind-boggling, not to mention the job search, but the thought of having grandparents nearby is making it all worth it.
AIMS says
I’d do it but I think I’m frustrated by being in NYC with an infant – everything from the housing market to the weather just seems harder (and yes I know the Bay Area is also tough with housing but for me, it would have more options). We’re tied to NY by the bar exam and good jobs we don’t want to leave so moving would be hard but if I could start all over in California I’d seriously consider it.
Leaving family is tough, but it’s not like you’re that close anyway – two hours driving time is not exactly a ‘grandma watches kid while you go to the movies’ situation. Obviously that may be harder when your parents are older but you can always reevaluate and maybe they will even move towards you (my mom would once she’s retired). As for friends, I feel like as I get older I don’t see my friends that much in person anyway. The people I’m close to I just talk to on the phone or by text. And having kids is a great opportunity to make new friends, too.
Katala says
I did this 5 months ago with a 5 month old (NYC to west coast city but not bay area). Honestly, it’s really, really hard. Logistically it was a pain but with a pre-mobile baby not really worse than any cross-country move. Even the flight with baby and 2 cats was fine. But we have no support network here, can’t find reliable child care, I don’t like my job as much, and my husband is cooped up at home with the baby all day then works at night (see problems finding childcare). If my firm didn’t offer a backup nanny service (we pay for the care, but firm pays the membership fee) poor husband would have had a breakdown by now.
As the weather improves we’re hopeful that we can get out and meet people. As of now, in 5 months we’ve exchanged numbers with 2 people who could be potential friends, but nothing came of either. We’re too exhausted to follow up and other people already have a network so aren’t motivated to put energy into a new friendship (I assume, as we never had trouble making friends before). We really miss NYC and our friends there.
I’ll echo what others have said – you need to know if you’ll be ok without a support network. Child care will be really expensive. $20/hr any time you both need to be doing something adds up really fast. You’re starting over with the whole daycare waiting list game, so at least for us that’s not an option for months and months.
I’m already interviewing for a job in yet another city, where we have a couple good friends and other acquaintances. So for us, it’s that hard – maybe too hard.
Good luck with the decision, and know you can always change your mind…
Anonymous says
Another point sometimes overlooked with cross-country moves is that if the marriage does not work out for whatever reason, you may not be able to go back. In shared custody situations (which are defacto in many areas), one parent generally cannot move with the child unless the other parent agrees or they can get a court to agree. Obviously this is a worse case scenario on many levels but I do have a friend who was debating whether or not to move when her husband got a ‘dream job’. She decided she didn’t want to move the family for various reasons, he took the job anyway and they got a divorce after trying a long distance commuter arrangement for a few months. Based on some of the things she has told me since, I think if she had moved they probably would have ended up divorced in the new location and she would not have been able to come back.
Anonymous says
I did this by necessity– my husband is an academic and it’s a tight market so you go where the job is. We moved with a 1 year old to a place where we didn’t know a soul, and I had to take a new bar exam and find a job in a small market…
It is not ideal for all the reasons outlined here, but I would still say: DO IT. If it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity for your husband, DO IT. Not only is it a good career move in the moment, but it sets him up for better career moves in the future, including if the time comes when you want to move back east. It sounds like you will have good career options there, too, so it’s not like you’re sacrificing your own career to do it. You definitely don’t want to be in that place where you / your husband always regrets– or worse, resents– a missed opportunity. And nothing is forever, so if you hate it, come back. Making friends and support networks is hard wherever you go, but for us we’ve learned how to do this over time. We’re more friendly, outgoing here than we were back home because we have to be. And I have found that a kid makes that easier, actually. We have met a lot of other parents through kid things– daycare, the library, the park, etc.– and they’ve proven great reference points to learn about the ins and outs of our town (like connecting us to babysitters). You can do it!
ChiLaw says
We did a cross country move when baby was 5 months old. It was for a “once in a lifetime” career-trajectory-shifting job for me. I see myself staying in this job for a long time, so it seems really worthwhile.
However, we moved *closer* to (my) family. In OldCity, we were close to no family, and moving close to my family has been much more valuable than I anticipated. I also moved into an explicitly family friendly job — think on-site daycare — so the lifestyle shift has been good for our family.
On the friends front, it’s hard. My best friends are still in OldCity, largely. I have a few good friends out here, but one was actually a transplant from OldCity a bit before me, and the rest… they’re good friends I seldom see. It’s hard to get out, even with family to babysit, now that we’re parents. My husband really hasn’t made any friends since we got here.
The move itself was a pain in the neck, but eh, moving always is. My job gave me some money toward moving, which let us spring a bit for things that we might have otherwise skimped on — that helped. Baby was ready to switch from bassinet to crib, so we gave away her bassinet on the morning we left OldCity, and had a new crib waiting for us (see: family is there) when we landed in NewCity. It was me, baby, and two cats on the flight (husband drove our car over), so I had two family members fly out to carry the cats on the plane and generally help me manage the baby. It’s definitely do-able!
OP says
Thanks for this perspective/encouragement! This attitude is what I’m trying to adopt when thinking about a potential move, namely that the long term ramifications make it worth it. And I’ve found that having a baby has connected me really quickly into a community I never had here, even after nearly 10 years in our current city. I’m hopeful I can replicate that somewhat in NewCity if we were to move. Really trying not to let fear of the unknown stand in the way of what could be a pretty fun adventure.
Anonymous4 says
What are your favorite plus-sized fashion blogs? Are there any for professional women? (FWIW I’m in a business casual office).
I’m really really struggling with post-baby weight and hormonal conditions that have made weight loss really slow. I’m not comfortable in my own skin and my wardrobe is patched together – and full of super flowy/baggy stuff that makes me look bigger than I am. I feel like a rumpled bag all the time – but I don’t know how to style clothes for my new body or how to pick things that flatter rather than hide. Advice?
Anonymous says
I don’t have any blog suggestions, but could you try a few months of a clothing subscription service? I haven’t tried one, but a friend works for StitchFix I think they tend to send outfits that work together. Or are there any stores like Nordstrom where you could do a personal shopping appointment?
Anonymous4 says
I’ll look into StitchFix. I’m not sure my budget can wrap itself around a subscription service, but it never hurts to look.
lucy stone says
StitchFix doesn’t do plus size, unfortunately.
Anonymous4 says
It doesn’t. But Gwynnie Bee does – I discovered that yesterday as I went searching.
JJ says
Ugh, I’m sorry. It’s a horrible feeling to not be comfortable in your own skin.
I honestly haven’t found any good plus-sized fashion blogs, but I also haven’t been looking to hard for them. I’m solidly on the border of regular/plus size (I’m an XL up top, 16W in pencil skirts, size 18-20 pants) and I’m 6’0″ tall, so I’ve given up on finding a lot of clothes that fit me.
My favorite business-casual work clothes are from Nordstrom. Their brand Sejour is pretty reliable. Talbots also has some good work clothes/pencil skirts/work pants. Lands End dresses (in tall) generally work for me, as well. Most of my tops are Pleione from Nordstrom (or the Rack) or Old Navy. I haven’t used ModCloth before, but I know they have a ton of styles in my sizes.
Generally, I just look at pictures on the store websites, try on a crap ton of stuff, and keep a little bit.
Anonymous4 says
Thanks for the brand recommendations. I’m not even sure where the closest Nordstrom is (sad – I know), but I’ll check out Old Navy and Lands End for sure.
JJ says
I couldn’t tell you the last time I actually went into a Nordstrom. 99.9% of my shopping is online. With free shipping both ways, I order a ton and return what doesn’t fit correctly.
Meg Murry says
Yes, I haven’t gone too far down the Nordstrom rabbit hole, but I do the vast majority of my shopping online nowadays. Order a couple hundred dollars worth of stuff, try it all on in my bedroom, ship it back within the week. Done.
Although if you really have absolutely no idea what might fit or be a good style, I’d recommend going to a department store (whatever the largest one near you that meets your price range and trying to find a helpful salesperson) where you can get allll the various styles to try on. In my area, Macy’s has a decent plus sized department (and many of the plus size lines go down to a 14W, so I’d recommend it for anyone that is curvier than they used to be, even if they technically still fit in straight sizes, the W sizes may be better for your body).
My oldest is 4 and I still haven’t quite figured out the best way to deal with the fact that while I have a very narrow ribcage through upper waist (relative to the rest of my body, at least), an extra inner tube roll has basically settled around my belly button, in addition to my wide hips.
The only other thing I can suggest that has worked for me is to see if your body has shifted more toward the shape of any of your other female relatives (mother, aunts, sisters, etc) and try to take some style cues from them. My sister has always had a tummy, whereas I had always been hippy – so I was able to take a few styling tips from her, but I still haven’t really sorted it out other than figuring out exactly which things do NOT work for me.
Pogo says
Wardrobe Oxygen is great, I love her blog.
Katala says
+1
I’m a bit annoyed by the constant sponsored posts, but there is a good amount of useful stuff too and she’s inspiring in that she’s a plus size lady who dresses well and is (or seems) comfortable in her skin.
Anonymous4 says
Thanks!
ChiLaw says
I’ve had to make some counterintuitive shifts in how I dress myself post-baby. I thought stretchy and fit-and-flare would be my go-to, but I’m preferring more tailored, sheath shapes.
I’m at the top end of straight sizes or the bottom of plus sizes, and I’ve found that quality is really, really worth it in dressing my new body in a way that makes me feel good. I used to be able to throw on a dress from Target and call it a day, but that’s no longer the case.
Like others have said, I buy online and return a lot. I don’t “settle” for something because it covers my nakedness and was a decent price — it’s got to look and feel good, sitting and standing, on the body I have now. It means so much returning, I’m not gonna lie, but I only shop at places that will ship and return for free. I have about 7 dresses that I feel great in, right now. It’s a good enough work wardrobe for me.
Dressing in clothes that look good on my body makes me feel immeasurably better. Since I started wearing the $70+ sheath dresses instead of my $20 fit and flares, people have stopped giving me the “compliment” that I look too young to practice law (I graduated almost a decade ago!).
As for stores, I like Nordstrom (and Nordstrom Rack) and Macys for online shopping. Surprisingly, Amazon has some decent clothes, with free shipping and returns on Prime.
Anonymous4 says
Thank you. I’m really constrained by budget, and feel so guilty spending money on new clothes because I’m too heavy to wear the boxes full of clothes that “should” fit. Your words are a good challenge to adjust my thought patterns.
CHJ says
Following up on the discussion earlier this week on books for kids that highlight diversity, I forgot to mention that Highlights magazine is great. My son is 2.5 and he gets the toddler version. They also have a version for infants/young toddlers and older kids. They always have families of all kinds of backgrounds in the stories (racially diverse including mixed race, class diverse, single parents, etc) and good gender diversity in parenting roles.
Pigpen's Mama says
+1
We get the toddler version “Hello” (friend’s kid was selling magazines) and it’s GREAT. Lots of diversity, and it’s a small little book/pamphlet that can be tossed in a diaper bag or purse and can be wiped down, so it’s great for dining out.
I got distracted during that last thread and never got around to looking up the name of the series, but the Best Behavior and Toddler Tools series, illustrated by Marieka Heinlen, also have a lot of diversity.
Anonymous says
My kid is 2.5 and we get the preschool (?) version “high five”. She got “hello” until her second birthday then we switched. This one is a little advanced but she’s getting into it; “Hello” was a little babyish for her by the time she was 2.
We actually remarked yesterday that she was doing the preschool find-the-hidden-thing so well! Swing and a miss on “what’s different” though ;)
CHJ says
Yes! That’s the one we get, too, and he’s good at hidden pictures and totally doesn’t get “what’s different.”
Clementine says
The comment about grandparents being able to watch kiddos got me thinking: how do you deal with jealousy between grandparents.
My inlaws live close to us and as such, they get to see kiddo pretty regularly. They watch him for a few hours once a week and are also my ‘pinch hitters’ who are happy to pick the kid up early from daycare or watch him for a couple hours while I get a hair cut, etc. My parents (divorced) live a few hours’ drive away. They live close enough where they see the kid once every month or two, but it’s not every week like my ILs.
My mother, in particular, makes weird offhand comments that really bug me. My ILs are perfectly nice people – sometimes they drive me nutty, but genuinely kind human beings. On the other hand, she’s also talked about moving south when she retires, so there’s that… Any suggestions here?
HSAL says
We’re dealing with just a tiny bit of that so far, but i’m interested to hear other experiences. My parents live three hours away versus seven for his parents, but mine are retired so they’re able to visit (and we visit them) much more frequently. Baby HSAL is five months old and she’s seen my in-laws three times and my parents probably ten (and usually for longer periods of time). His parents don’t say anything explicit, but so far seem to be dealing with their guilt by throwing money at us (they see their other grandchild much more frequently and are able to help with her much more). We have the holiday schedule set but we just generally see my parents much more often than his (and sometimes they come to us when we’re with my parents), but I’m interested to see if there’s an increase in jealousy as she gets older. I think it was on the regular s1te where someone said “fair doesn’t mean equal” and I’ve kept that in mind.
Anonymous says
My parents are local and my in-laws are in Europe. When they visit, we try to focus on the special things that they get to do that my parents don’t – e.g. breakfast time with the kids, doing baths etc. Not that my parents never get to do those things, but not every night like when the in-laws visit.
You can’t make your in-laws spend less time with the kids because your mom is jealous so in part she just has to make an effort to get over it as well, you can only do so much and then you have to let it go.
CPA Lady says
Hah, my mom is jealous on behalf of my MIL. My mom lives 1,000+ miles away but we video chat several times a week, so my daughter knows her. She is also retired, so she can come and stay for a week whenever she wants. My MIL still works and lives just far enough away that she rarely gets to see my daughter. My mom is always trying to make sure CPA-toddler gets to see her other grandma.
VeryAnon says
I have told my mom that she is not allowed to talk about in-laws to me. I enforce it, I just say OK and end the conversation. I don’t talk about in-laws to her. This is because of my mom’s… behavior? Language? Immaturity?
To her credit, my mom will be out-of-town away from us the weekend before my due date and suggested we ask my MIL to come visit us just in case (we have older kids that will need care when I go to hospital). This practicality counts as personal growth for my mom.
NewMomAnon says
I experienced a ton of this up until kiddo was about 6 months old, and then it died down. Both sets of grandparents were in town, and they would vie for emergency babysitting (which was OK) and gripe if the other set of grandparents got to spend an overnight or extended time with the baby. I was just treading water using all the resources I had at my disposal with a newborn. I didn’t have the capacity to care about their jealousy, so I didn’t.
anon says
I literally avoid posting all sorts of photos or videos where its obvious that my parents are around so as to avoid jealousy from the out of town inlaws. It’s weird, but I’m paranoid.
I think the key is that I need my sister in law who lives near them to get pregnant asap.
Anonymous says
I’m sensitive to this too. We do a family photo album for all the grandparents each year… and I try to include equal numbers of pictures with kiddos with each grandparent. I have oodles of pictures of my kids with my mom, who at least lives driving-distance away and visits at least every other month, but everyone else requires a flight so we see them 2x per year, max. No pictures with FIL and his wife from 2015, but what am I supposed to do when you don’t come see us? Maybe it was a sore point; the books were finally delivered last week (because I’m on time like that) and he abruptly decided they’re coming to visit next weekend.