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I tried a few different baby carriers when my son was an infant, and this is the one that stuck for the both of us. We tried soft carriers, and while I know that a lot of people LOVE them, I personally felt this type minimized user error and felt the most secure. It does have its downsides — it is bulky, gets kind of warm inside, and is more of a backpack-type situation. However, for my particular purposes, it did the job — I mostly wore it inside the house during “witching hour,” or that time around 5:30 p.m. where the baby gets cranky and hard to console/placate. I bought the infant insert and wore my son around the house cooking dinner and straightening up, and he would either fall asleep or just relax at the feeling of being close to me. My advice now to every new parent is: Stick them in the carrier! This one is available in three colors at Amazon for $139.99 and is eligible for Prime and free returns. Ergobaby 360 This post contains affiliate links and CorporetteMoms may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!Sales of note for 4.18.24
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
HSAL says
I’m all about Tulas once you get past the infant stage, but for tiny babies I loved my Nesting Days carrier. You can wear it like a shirt (for skin to skin) or over something else, and it was the easiest and most comfy one I tried. They say it goes up to 18 pounds but I felt like the babies started sagging a little around 14-15 pounds. Limited use for sure, but totally worth the money.
Pogo says
Caveat that I’ve never tried the Tula, we still love the Ergo at 19 months.
Anonymous says
We have very large children and definitely found the ergo to be outgrown by about 16 mo. Never found it comfortable for back carries. Now we have a couple of kinderpacks (standard and toddler) and find them much more comfortable. Ktan is so great until about 12-15 lb!
EB0220 says
I also have large kids and we loved Kinderpack.
Cb says
We had a boba infant and loved it and love our tula toddler as well. He’s still happy as a clam at nearly 20 months.
AwayEmily says
We have an Ergo 360 and I like it but I have to say I’ve tried a bunch of structured carriers (borrowing from friends, etc) and they all seem…pretty much the same? I mean, I guess slight differences in terms of how the weight is distributed but overall no huge differences. I guess this message is meant for any soon-to-be parents stressing over getting the “right” one — don’t worry, they’re all great! Also i’ll note that the Wirecutter has a really good comprehensive review of different structured carriers, and a separate one for slings/wraps.
Anonymous says
As a counterpoint, I have really narrow shoulders and found it helpful to go to a store where I could try on a bunch of carriers and see which didn’t slip off my shoulders. Similarly, I have plus-sized friends who also found trying on samples to be really helpful.
So yes, don’t stress about finding the one “right” carrier, because they’re all fairly similar and likely all will work fine for your baby, but if you can try on a couple, go ahead and do it so you can pick which feels best to you.
Anonymous says
We have the Lillebaby that goes 6 ways and find it works for both my husband and me. We’ve only worn her in front , but it has a way to wear it on your hip that I’m interested in trying,
Anon says
I have the Lillebaby Complete All Seasons and love it and am still using it (mostly back carry, but sometimes front carry facing in) at 20 months with a 30lb-er. Up until 3 months I probably mostly used the baby k’tan because it was less intimidating, but now that I’m more familiar with the Lillebaby, I’d probably start with the Lillebaby from the get-go.
rosie says
Yup, similar story here. Used the baby k’tan at first because it was less intimidating to me as a first-time mom, then started using the Lillebaby more and more as I got more confident/she got bigger.
CCLA says
Also loved the nesting days for the first few weeks! After the first month, I preferred the k’tan. All the lightweight-ness and portability of a wrap, but far less room for user error. I wouldn’t take a hike in it, but it was great for grocery store runs and short walks. Dad preferred the lillebaby, but I found it too bulky. Agreed that they’re all fine for the babies, and it’s really about finding what’s comfortable for you.
Callie says
I’m really happy with our lillebaby.
I used a wrap when mine were itty bitty (like when they were 5-10 lbs) but have loved the lillebaby since.
In fact, I last wore my 2 year old (22 lb daughter) in her lillebaby carrier about 6 weeks ago. (I haven’t since b/c I’m pregnant and find that it isn’t comfortable after about 10 weeks), but she would still happily go in it and asked my husband to carry her in it this weekend (he didn’t b/c we were walking only 1/2 block to where we’d parked the car but if we were going further I’m sure he would have).
Strategy mom says
My almost 4 year old is driving me to a meltdown. Our bedtime routine is out of control. We lie down at 7:45 and he doesn’t go to sleep until 9:15 most nights. My husband travels and I need to work most nights but the toddler wants someone sleeping with him the whole time and when I try to leave he sneaks out into the hall at least 4 or 5 times until I give up and go into his room again. My husband doesn’t mind – he thinks it’s quality time and will fall asleep in our toddlers bed most nights. He also naps 1 hour each day and the nanny insists he needs it. We aren’t comfortable locking him in his room bc my judge mental mom told me her friend was traumatized as a child from that (and I think that’s bogus but have a complicated relationship with her and don’t want to hear her make digs for the next year). Rereading this I know we should cut naps, right? Any other suggestions? How do we make the transition to get him used to falling asleep alone? He used to be great at it. I was up till 2am working last night and am about to come unhinged and am frustrated with my husband and am in a really bad place right now…
Anonymous says
100% cut naps out or at least reduce the nap to 30-40 mins and it should be not later than 2pm. Nanny should have him running around outside for at least an hour after nap time. My kids sleep much better when they’ve had fresh air.
With our 4 year old twins, we find that doing the same routine in the exact same order every night is helpful, and then after book, song, tuck in, we do a routine where they say ‘where are you going’ and we tell them what we are going to do. Like “Mommy has to go put the dishes in the dishwasher/get a shower/do her exercise. I’ll leave the door open so you can hear where I am.” On nights I have to go back to the office I’m honest and tell them that, and DH tells them he will be home and what he is doing. You can try telling him that you have work to finish. Can you work somewhere that he can hear you? Maybe read aloud to yourself if you’re reading a case etc or clang around a bit when you’re setting up the laptop? Sometimes my 7 year old will call out and complain that she can’t hear us if we’re too quiet. Knowing we are there even when they can’t see us seems to reassure them.
Alternative would be to try a mediation app – you can get ones that are appropriate for preschoolers to listen to as they fall asleep.
Anon says
Sounds like a great candidate for the bedtime pass! https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2015/09/18/441492810/the-bedtime-pass-helps-parents-and-kids-skip-the-sleep-struggles
I also would have him sit down with you to write the “story” of his bedtime. Start at dinner and go until he falls asleep to recharge his body for fun the next day. And have him draw the pictures and get to pick some of the choice about what he does before going to bed. Read his special story every afternoon for a while to help establish the routine.
Anonymous says
Agree with cutting out naps and getting lots of outside time.
Have you tried setting a timer and saying you’ll come back to check on him in 10 minutes (or whatever)? For us that helps–kiddo has a security blanket or sorts, but usually falls asleep before the time goes off.
FVNC says
This is what we’ve done when our 5 yr old has occasionally requested I stay in her room. I tell her that I’m going downstairs to do [thing] but I will come back after 10 minutes and she really needs to try to stay awake so I can tell her goodnight again. It works because she’s tired…but with OP, it sounds like kiddo isn’t actually sleepy? So I agree with the others to cut nap and increase daytime activity. And you and your husband should be consistent when possible, both or neither of you staying with him.
Anonymous says
If you need him to go to bed earlier you do probably need to drop the nap, or wake him up earlier in the AM. Sounds like he is just not tired.
Anon says
BTW for those saying he is not tired 4 year olds need 10-12 hours of sleep a night so I doubt it’s that.
Anon says
They need 10-12 hours total, not just at night. If he’s taking a 1 hour nap that may mean he needs as little as 9 hours at night. She didn’t say what time he wakes up, but if he’s sleeping past 6:30 am, going down much earlier than 9 pm may be a struggle. I agree with dropping the nap as a first step.
Strategy Mom says
Yup, I think you nailed it – he sleeps until 7:30 since daylight savings – normally I’d love that, but not given this situation. We still have to have a better routine, but at least if we cut the nap, i hope he would fall asleep faster, regardless of routine. My nanny is going to hate me for cutting the nap. I hate that im afraid to set rules like this, ugh!!
lsw says
My son almost naps anymore (and he’s only 2.5, ugh) but we always put him down for quiet time anyway. They do at daycare as well. Would your nanny be okay with changing that hour to quiet time? (Or would he just fall asleep?)
anon says
The quiet time idea was my initial thought as well. I am the oldest of five and we all had “nap time” in the afternoon. Our mom didn’t care what we were doing as long as we were quiet, in our rooms, and not bothering her or each other.
Anonymous says
Hahaha if our 4 year old naps even for 20 min he will not sleep until close to 10 pm. Then the next day is a disaster. Without nap he is out by 7:30 and sleeps till 7.
GCA says
If he were in daycare I’d suggest not cutting the nap (I feel like they need it due to the stimulation and structure of daycare), but if he’s home with a nanny, the nanny can try and actively keep him awake. At that age it’s a bit of a toss-up to whether they really *need* the nap any more – my almost 4yo doesn’t nap most weekends, and when he does actually need it, he shows very clear signs. Either there’s a meltdown, or he tells us he’s tired and wants to lie down. If there’s no nap, he’s usually pretty happy till 7pm, which suggests he doesn’t need it that day. If there’s a nap, he goes to bed at 8.30.
He used to need someone in the room with him, but we started doing a routine: bath, books, bed. After that he can bring a flashlight and two books to bed if he wants. Gradually, after the bedtime book (on the couch in the living room) he would just trot off to bed on his own. On rough nights he pops in and out of the living room while we’re doing work and asks to be patted or have someone lie down with him – but since he’s in a jr loft bed this is not possible, so we just say ‘That’s not our job, sweetheart. Your job is to be in bed, lying down and going to sleep. Goodnight. I love you.’
Redux says
I might be in the minority here, but at this age I wouldn’t assume he’s ready to drop the nap. This sounds more like a behavioral thing to correct than a sleepiness thing. Instead, I would implement a strict routine that you absolutely don’t deviate from and that does not include the possibility of you lying down with him. If kiddo thinks there is a chance one of you is going to lay down with him, then I wouldn’t blame him for trying it every night. If instead he knows that no one is going to lay down with him, then he’ll get it that his antics aren’t going to get him anywhere. You and DH need to be on the same page about it though, which sounds like the tougher sell. I totally empathize!
SC says
I have similar issues with my almost-4-year-old. He’s still napping 1.5 hours at daycare. Unfortunately, the whole class naps, and he does seem to need it. We’ve pushed bedtime to something closer to 8:30, when he’s at least a little tired. (We still start the bedtime routine at 7:30 or 7:45.) He often stays up past 9, but that’s less frustrating for everyone than trying to get him to lay down at 7:30/7:45 and him not being sleepy until after 9.
We’ve also let Kiddo read in bed. I always read 3 books to him before lights out, so I encourage him to read 3 books to his stuffed animals in order to put some kind of limit on it. Most nights, Kiddo still gets out of bed several times. Sometimes he makes up something he needs, sometimes he’s just trying to play or get a reaction. We walk him back to bed. We never lay down or stay with him. It’s a work in progress.
It seems to help when DH and I lay down, either on the couch or in our bed, and do something quiet. If he sees us watching TV or playing a video game together, or just talking on the couch, he gets some serious FOMO. Also, it reinforces the message that it’s time to rest.
shortperson says
i often sit down on my 4yo’s bed (at the foot) and work on my laptop while she falls asleep. at bedtime she’s always asking me if i have any work to do. if you have work to do at night maybe you could try that.
Strategy Mom says
great idea!
Pigpen's Mama says
+1 on the bedtime pass (I really need to start implementing that)
I also put an Audible book on for my 4 year old to fall asleep to. It does mean she may not fall asleep as soon as I’d like, but it seems to minimize the incidents of her popping out of her room.
Strategy Mom says
I just wanted to say thank you for all of the great ideas – I feel like I have 10+ good ideas that I can experiment with and I already feel better! Thank you for sharing your wisdom!!!!
Anon says
I am really bad at putting together outfits and knowing whether clothing is flattering on me or not. I have an entire wardrobe of things that I am not sure if I should keep or not and I have trouble putting together outfits with the items I actually do like. I would really love it if there was a person who would go through my closet with me and help me put together outfits. Does such a professional exist? Cross-posted over on main page because I am really interested to hear if anyone has done this!
lsw says
I posted a response on the main page, too, but I’ll say it here – I have a friend (and fellow mom) who does this and it is really very cool! She recently launched virtual services too, so it doesn’t matter if you aren’t local to us (Pittsburgh, in case you are).
Anon says
Thank you!! :) Unfortunately I don’t live close and I think I really need someone to go through my closet with me!
lsw says
Ah, OK! I’m not sure how her virtual services work, but I know she definitely does closet sorts. Her business name is Audrey Styles – if you search for it you can check out what she does. I think you should be able to find something similar where you live!
Pogo says
I did this for myself, sort of, and it has really helped weed stuff out as well as make getting dressed very simple. I have a 5-day rotation of outfits and I am whittling my clothes down until they only fit these options:
outfit #1: wide-leg dark dress pants with a dark shell and a colorful blazer or cardigan
outfit #2: flowy button down over dark skinny ankle pants
outfit #3: light-colored blouse tucked in to dark pencil skirt
outfit #4: sheath dress with blazer or cardigan
Friday!: jeans, nice V-neck t-shirt and blazer
AnotherAnon says
Can everyone post their “capsule” wardrobes? This is really interesting to me. Also, Pogo, what shoes do you wear? I just bought a bunch of full length pants after wearing ankle pants forever, and I just realized full length pants look weird with my oxfords, which are half my shoe collection (of four pairs of work shoes heh).
outfit 1: sweater with ponte pants, boots
outfit 2: flowy (think princess jasmine) pants, button down top, oxfords
outfit 3: black paperbag waist pants, black top tucked in so it looks kind of like a jumpsuit, flats or boots
outfit 4: black ponte pants and a polyester floral top, heels or boots
Friday!: still “business” not business casual, sigh, so black jeans or green khakis and sweater, boots
These all work fine for winter, but in the summer when it’s freezing indoors and hot AF outside, I’m kind of at a loss. I also am struggling to move away from polyester since it’s cheap, not environmentally friendly and it stinks. But I don’t want to buy silk. Maybe I should look for a stylist.
Pogo says
With you on the polyester. I think silk is the answer, but I haven’t made the move yet.
I wear mainly ballet flats with some embellishment (knock off rockstuds, tory burch with the giant logo) but have heeled booties for the wide leg pants since they are hemmed for a heel. In the winter I wear riding boots + tights with my dresses/skirts; in the summer usually cole haan wedges, sometimes the ballet flats.
JTM says
Yes, you need a stylist. If you live anywhere near a metro area, you can find a stylist who can help you with a session. Or check with Nordstrom and see if any of their stylists do consultations on the side.
If you truly live where there’s no one local, try looking at blogs like Putting Me Together, she specifically talks about how to pair pieces together.
cbg says
I had a similar problem and did the Corporette Outfit challenge, it sent me weekly emails with outfit challenges for every day, for a month. It really got me thinking differently about what I own, and what I’m missing. It’s been about 6 months and I think I need to do it again!
Not sure how to sign up, maybe search around on here.
EB0220 says
I did a post about mine a while ago on my site. Caveats: I am super basic! I found a few things that worked and bought a bunch of different colors.
EB0220 says
Basically:
4 Sheath Dresses
1 pr black pants
1 pr jeans
black tights
2 blazers (black, gray)
Some sweaters
All in purple, green, blue, gray or black.
In DC says
If you have a wardrobe already, you may not need a stylist. It sounds like what you need is (1) a dedicated time to go through your closet, and (2) a second pair of eyes. If you have a good friend who you can trust to be honest (but kind!) and can hang out with you and a bottle of wine for a couple hours, I’m guessing that will work. You’ll need to commit to putting every single item on your body to decide whether to keep or ditch (so it would help to be a friend you feel comfortable changing in front of, but you can go inside the closet/bathroom to change if not). Once you’ve weeded out what you don’t like, then you can brainstorm outfits.
Turtle says
My almost 11 month old is rejecting her bottles. She has consistently guzzled five 5-6 ounce bottles per day for a number of months now. Over the last 30 days she started to leave half an ounce to a full ounce with most feedings, which we figured was fine given her total intake was sufficient and she was probably filling up on other stuff (water sippy cup, folid foods). However, in the last 10 days she abruptly started rejecting 2-3 of these bottles per day, both at home and at daycare. We’ve tried to reduce distractions, but that’s not helping. I’ve also noticed she’s eating less quantity of solids – she’ll try anything but if she ate a full waffle or half a banana before she now only has a quarter or even less. The combo of such a quick drop in formula intake plus her trending toward eating less quantity of solids has me scratching my head.
So, the impossible question: is this normal? Worthy of a call to the pedi? Just wait and see? She also woke up last night screaming and would not fall back to sleep for almost an hour – first time for this in months. She only has her two middle bottom teeth, so we suspect many others are coming in at the same time. So, maybe this is all related to teething?
Anon says
I suspect it’s teething. It’s very common for them to eat less when they’re teething, because it hurts their gums to eat. Some kids eschew bottles in favor of solid foods, some eschew solids in favor of bottle, some kids just eat less all around. A call to the ped never hurts, but I really doubt they’ll want to see her, so long as she doesn’t seem dehydrated.
Fwiw, I think 25-30 ounces of milk is quite a lot for an 11 month old, so I wouldn’t be worried about a drop in milk intake. After age one, 24 oz is the upper limit of milk they want them drinking, and my ped encouraged more like 16-20 oz. Any more than that and they’re not getting enough nutrients from solids. Also their calorie needs tend to drop off around this time, so a general trend toward eating and drinking slightly less is not uncommon either. The sudden, dramatic drop makes me think it’s teething, though.
Anonymous says
Will she drink milk from a sippy cup?
OP says
Tried this morning… took one sip and threw it on the floor.
Anonymous says
This is both likely normal and worth a call to the doctor!
Anonymous says
My baby suddenly started rejecting all bottles around 10.5 months. She was still nursing though – is your baby getting any milk from other sources? I asked pediatrician about it and he wasn’t concerned at all, with the caveat that she still nurse 2x/day and liked other sources of dairy or calcium like yogurt. He didn’t ask much about how much other solids she was taking, just that she at least was eating some. She definitely wasn’t eating a lot of table food at that age – just experimenting. So worth a call but doesn’t sound like it’s definitely a problem from my experience.
lawsuited says
Going in-house is worth it, right? I had my second baby in December and have been feeling like my litigation boutique job with a 1.5 hour commute is not going to be workable now that family life is that much busier. I have an offer to go in-house. I know people who work in this in-house legal department, and feel like it’s the best in-house fit I’m going to find. The offer is a 1/9th pay cut. I was expecting a pay cut but it still kind of stings. But no commute, no billable target, reliable 9-5 schedule (according to the folks I know who work there), vacation I can actually take, pension…so it’s worth it, right? Has anyone made this move and regretted it?
Anon says
That sounds dreamy. The commute reduction alone would make the pay cut worth it to me.
shortperson says
you will be making 11% of what you make now? that sounds . . . extreme. will the firm let you work from home 2-3 days a week?
ElisaR says
i interpreted that as a reduction of 11%
shortperson says
then that sounds amazing. i’d love to find that.
Pogo says
Same, I find it hard to imagine only making 11% of her current salary. For an 11% cut it sounds awesome.
lawsuited says
Yes, as others guessed it’s 1/9th that’s being cut so I’ll be making 8/9ths of my current salary.
Anonymous says
What the hourly pay difference when you add the pension value to new job and include the commute time as your working time and transport costs in the other job? That’s the only real way to compare how your time is compensated on a per hour basis. The salary gap might be closer than you think.
It would be worth it for me because we love to travel so the ability to take vacation time is key. Reliability of schedule is also huge.
rosie says
+1. Also, think about the hours you work at your pay at your current job. If reliable 9-5 would be 80% of your current hours, seems like you take a 1/9 paycut for a 1/5 hours cut (apologies in advance for lawyer math if this is wrong…I used to be good at math I swear). That’s a good deal even before you factor in pension, commute, etc.
Anon says
I’d take almost any pay cut to get rid of an 1.5 commute! That is 15 hours a week – ouch!
Anon (OP) says
1/9th is a huge pay cut, but generally I’ve found every big pay cut I’ve taken to be very worth it. I’ve gone from Big Law ($250k with bonus) to small law ($90k) to a non-law career ($50k) and am much happier now (even though I wasn’t miserable in Big Law and really enjoyed the actual work). A 9-5 schedule and being able to use my generous vacation time have been huge for quality of life, especially with kids. And I never had the kind of brutal commute you’re describing, which would have made me miserable. A pension is a huge benefit too…they’re so rare these days, and that’s a huge financial benefit that might go a long way to minimizing the effects of the pay cut.
IHeartBacon says
Wow, thank you for sharing the details of your pay cuts and how you feel about them now. I’m currently making what you made in Big Law and it’s so hard for me to imagine taking a pay cut even though it would give me more control over my time. The pay definitely keeps me in the game, even though I’m really starting to feel like my mental health is being affected.
Anonymous says
I went in house last year after 4 years in BigLaw and one baby – I can say that for me, it was 100% worth it. I have a normal schedule (8 am to 4:15 pm) every day, no weekend work, no evening work, and I can take my 4 weeks of vacation a year. I can even go out to lunch with my husband and not feel guilty about it (yay no billables!). Overall, it has been a wonderful transition for my family, which is good because we have another on the way :)
Boston Legal Eagle says
I’m not clear on what a 1/9th paycut is but if the end salary amount is workable for your family, then the other benefits seem like they will improve your quality of life. Whether it’s worth it is so personal on what you want your life to look like – a busy family life can mean finding a shorter hours role or it can mean more childcare. Both are ok!
Just one thing to keep in mind about being in-house is that you will go from revenue generator to a cost center. Some people coming from law firms have a hard time adjusting to that ego hit, but the benefits usually outweigh that.
I personally haven’t regretted my moves in-house from law firm life, but it’s not all rainbows and unicorns over here. There a lots of office politics and hierarchies here (might just be especially pronounced at my company…) The schedule predictability (even with busier times) is worth it for me for now.
IHeartBacon says
“Just one thing to keep in mind about being in-house is that you will go from revenue generator to a cost center.”
This is my biggest fear leaving private practice. As hard as the work and the billables are, at the end of each year I can point to concrete numbers that show my firm the value of having me around. This makes it easier to negotiate raises and other benefits. If I have to bill 9 hours today, I know there is a spreadsheet out there that tells the firm (and me) exactly what that’s worth even taking into account all other overhead. There is a lot of negotiating power behind being able to say “I billed 2200” this year.
FVNC says
I started typing out like three replies to this question, but this summarizes everything I was trying to say much better than I could have said it. I’ve been lucky enough not to encounter a lot of legal dept politics, but I’m not a manager or exec, and I’m happy to keep it that way!
lawsuited says
I have no ego so my only concern with being a cost centre rather than revenue generator for my employer is job security. That said, there is a huge trend towards in-house legal departments in my industry right now so it might be the more secure place to be right now as most of my clients will have a difficult time justifying spending money on me rather than using their in-house legal departments.
I am way better at relationship-building than billing, so currying favour to get ahead rather than trying to meet a larger and larger billable target every year might be perfect for me.
Anonymous says
You mean you’re getting a 10-15% paycut? Go in house. That shouldn’t sting.
If you are getting a 85-90% paycut, that’s another story.
K says
10% pay cut would be worth it for the shorter commute alone, is this a real question? Obviously take it.
Anonymous says
Tangential question, but does your law firm require you to pay back any of your parental leave if you leave before 1 year?
Blueberry says
Do it! I did this several years ago for a larger pay cut and have been so happy with the choice. The value of the pension alone is worth the pay cut. Talk to boomers who don’t know if their money will last through retirement.
Anon says
How do you handle a good cop/bad cop parenting dynamic when it comes to things like chores? My first child is only 15 months, so obviously very young for real chores. But I’ve started asking her to pick up her toys before she goes to bed, and she will usually do it if we sit down on the floor and do it together. The problem is that my husband sees no value in picking up clutter (he’s clean but not tidy, if that makes sense) and he doesn’t believe she should have to do it. He has made joking comments to her about how this is pointless “make-work” or that she won’t have to do it when I go out of town, and they’ll conspire not to tell me that they left toys all over the floor all week. She’s too young to understand the meaning of these comments now, of course, but will eventually. I realize that as the one who prioritizes this task, I need to take the lead on asking her to do it/doing it with her, but I don’t feel like it’s fair for him to undermine me and tell her in front of me that picking up toys is not important. Fwiw, he says he believes in chores generally and is supportive of eventually asking her to do things that are “useful” (like load the dishwasher, etc) and he says just doesn’t see this as useful. So maybe I’m borrowing trouble by fretting about this very specific thing. But it does worry me because he had no chores growing up himself and I know people have a tendency to slip into the same parenting habits that they were brought up with. (Despite never having chores and having a mom that basically waited on him hand and foot, he turned out really well and more than pulls his weight around the house. This is not a complaint about how many chores he does himself.) Any advice?
Anonymous says
Yes tell him he’s being a jerk, demeaning you in front of your child, and it stops today. He doesn’t have to do it when you’re gone but he doesn’t get to mock mommy. And if he refuses go to counseling now. Respecting each other is critical. This isn’t about chores.
Anonymous says
Agreed. This is awful behavior on his part. I’m not one to always recommend counseling, but I think you need it – both because of how awfully he is acting and the fact that you are somehow blaming yourself. I am divorced and my ex was awful, but even he knew to save the snide comments for outside the hearing of our child. Disrespecting you, undermining you, and mocking you in front of the kid? Absolutely beyond unacceptable.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Agree – you have to be a united front. This isn’t about an objective right number of chores, this is about being a team in your decisions and enforcing the same rules by both of you. Some parents might want their kids to do all sorts of chores, great. Some might not care at all, also fine. The key is that you both agree to one standard and go in united. Otherwise the kid will just go to the more loose parent. Clearly this is important to you and you need to tell your husband that his words are hurting you and will end up confusing the kid eventually.
anne-on says
+ a million. The red flag isn’t about chores or tidying, its about how he frames it as us vs. mommy, and disrespecting mommy. Would it be more obvious to him if you also started picking something to mock him with your daughter on (not saying to do it, just frame it as I’m sure you wouldn’t appreciate it if I encouraged daughter to see daddy’s requests as useless time sucks, would you?).
Also – when she goes to school/daycare/play dates picking up toys is SO common. See – clean up songs, daniel tiger episodes, etc. NOT picking up toys at school/play dates WILL be noticed and corrected by teachers/playmates/other parents so why not just model it at home?
Would it help if you can pick your battles? We do a full clean up once a week before the cleaners come. Other than that, toys can be out and on top of the toyroom tables/storage bins but NOT on floors.
lsw says
I am your husband (clean, not tidy) and as a result, I am trying extra hard to enforce tidiness with my kid. It’s because I’m embarrassed by it and constantly working on it, so if I can teach my son that earlier, I’d be happy. Just putting that out there.
Also, he’s actively undermining you in front of your kid, which doesn’t provide a united front. IMHO, this is one of the things you get to say is important to you, so therefore you’re united about it in front of your child. Maybe he’ll have some things that are less important to you, but you need to be together on it as parents. This is an unhealthy dynamic that could get really sh!tty when your child is older and pushing back on parental limits.
Pogo says
“he’s actively undermining you in front of your kid, which doesn’t provide a united front” This. You have to be a united front or you’re setting yourself up for behavior issues later on. I have had the particular issue of daddy being more lax and coming back from a work trip to a kid who screams when you put him in his high chair. Husband then admitted “yeah I kinda let him be free range baby while you were away”. I got him to come around to my side by explaining that while solo parenting it might seem easier in the moment to let the toddler graze, we need a child who sits down to eat and that overall goal is important. We need to be consistent about sitting in the high chair for all meals, no excpetions. Husband saw the point and now he enforces the rule even though it was “my” rule.
Anon (OP) says
Yeah, the undermining is my big concern. I told him I don’t think it’s fair that he undermines me and he said he doesn’t think it’s fair that I make all the decisions (eg, I want kid to pick up toys, he doesn’t, I “win” and ask kid to pick up toys). I feel like either parent should be able to ask the kid to do something (assuming it’s safe, developmentally appropriate etc) without the other parent interfering or telling kid she doesn’t have to do it, but I guess he doesn’t agree. I’m not sure how to get past that…
Redux says
We have this dynamic too and it’s really hard to break. I do tend to “win” in that I make a lot of the rules and expect him to be on board. I don’t want him to think that I dont trust his decisions (I do! He is a great parent!) but I also end up being the one to create the boundaries and enforce them. E.g., we both agreed that our nights are best when we start the bedtime routine at 7. But he is happy to sail on past that hour and I am the one who has to say, “ok, bedtime in 5 minutes!” to which my kids respond with whining and complaints that it isn’t fair and I become the bad guy. So, it’s not exactly favorable to be the enforcer in this dynamic. All this to encourage you to nip this in the bud early because it only gets worse.
Lana Del Raygun says
I do think you should be able to expect him not to undermine you like this, but for something that happens as regularly (or not) as tidying, you need to find a mutually acceptable standard and enforce it together.
Pogo says
“mutually acceptable standard and enforce it together.” Exactly. Unless he really believes it is totally fine for toys to be everywhere, no matter what, he agrees with you on some level and you need to find that level and work together.
Or let him step on a lego and see how he likes it.
SC says
At the very least, you and he need to discuss differences privately. You can’t just make rules and expect him to be on board with no discussion. But if he disagrees with a rule or a punishment/consequence or anything where you’re the “bad cop,” he needs to let you handle it in the moment (it’s not going to hurt your toddler to pick up toys). I think you should tell him that you’re open to discussing rules and discipline respectfully and privately after bedtime, but that you want to present a united front to your child.
Anon (OP) says
But then it comes back to the actual issue about the toys. We have discussed it at some length and he believes there’s no value in picking up toys that are just going to get take down and played with again the next day, and she shouldn’t “have” to do it (note that putting toys back in their bag is currently a fun game for her, she doesn’t mind it at all). I agree that whether the toys are put away doesn’t actually matter that much, but I think there’s value in teaching her that she has to tidy up, and like someone said above other parents, teachers etc will expect her to do this. It’s not just toys that we have this issue with. He is not bothered by her throwing food on the floor or other things that I don’t think are acceptable behavior. I just feel like we’re heading down a path where we have no rules/expectations for her at all, and I worry that it’s going to result in a spoiled, badly-behaved kid.
SC says
Sure, you need to figure out the actual issues about behavior, chores, and discipline. Figure them out together. I agree that there’s value in tidying up, and that throwing food isn’t acceptable behavior, and that you need to have some rules and expectations for your kid. But you’re parenting with your husband, not with me, so my opinion doesn’t matter much. I’m sure there’s room for compromise between your position and your husband’s (perceived) position, and whatever compromise you reach won’t lead to a spoiled, badly behaved kid.
What will definitely lead to a badly behaved parent is the ability to manipulate parents by playing them off each other. Kids have a sense for that weakness pretty early on, and they exploit it any chance they get. My kid is almost 4, and I can’t tell you how often he drifts from one parent to the other when he doesn’t like the first answer, even though it’s never worked out for him. Neither parent would have any authority at all if one of us actively undermined the other in the way you described in your OP.
Anon says
I assume the toys get picked up periodically, for vacuuming if nothing else? And that the food on the floor gets wiped up, by someone? I’m wondering if part of the issue is that you do all that stuff for him, so he expects you to just do it for the kid, too.
Anon (OP) says
No, he definitely doesn’t expect me to do everything. He wipes up the floor when she throws food and does a lot of other housework. We have a cleaning service and truthfully our house really isn’t that tidy, except right before they come. He doesn’t even really understand why you should have to pick up for a cleaning service (“isn’t that what we’re paying them for?”). So I do it. But he does a lot around the house, including almost all the cooking. I have no complaints about our division of labor.
Aly says
So I make our 2.5 year old put away all her toys every night I’m on duty. My husband does it about 50% of the time. For me, that’s enough. But, that said, he doesn’t actively undermine my tidying. Could one of his chores be sweeping up the playroom after she goes to bed? That would give him an incentive to have it picked up!
Lana Del Raygun says
0_0
He needs to cut it out ASAP. Conspiring to hide things from you? Telling your child you’re giving her pointless busywork? This kind of undermining is totally unacceptable. You guys need to agree on a level of tidiness and/or work you’re going to require, and then require it together. You may both have to compromise on that level (although it doesn’t sound to me like you’re asking for anything unreasonable and I suspect he’ll change his mind about tidiness once LO starts leaving Legos all over the floor), but he absolutely has to present a united front with you.
AwayEmily says
You should definitely talk to him and the comments are NOT OKAY.
That being said I will give him a tiny bit of the benefit of the doubt in that it seems like he may be trying to find a way to connect with your daughter and sort of be on a “team” with her, if that makes sense. Like, he’s creating a little inside joke with her. And I think that’s a pretty sweet/normal impulse, but chores/cleanup are a TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE venue in which to do it and expressly contradicting you is in no way acceptable. Maybe you could suggest that he channel those energies somewhere else — like, my daughter & husband have a game where they hide my slippers from me.
anon says
I had this thought as well. The execution is in no way acceptable but I wonder if the impulse is good at it’s heart.
Walnut says
Pointless work? Clearly this dude hasn’t stepped on a lego yet.
anon says
LOL. So true.
Pogo says
ha, I wrote that above without seeing this comment. Dude will come around.
In seriousness, a coworker of my husband’s tripped over a toy in the dark and BROKE HER LEG. That terrified me into enforcing more toy cleanup.
lsw says
On the off chance you guys are gamers, stepping on a D4 might be even worse…
GCA says
I LOLed. (It won’t be so funny when I step on one in a few years. They’re like caltrops.)
Speaking of gaming, you might get a chuckle out of this: Thing 1 asked to play ‘the bunny game’ with me the other day. What bunny game, I asked? ‘The one with the story cards.’ It was the scoreboard from Dixit, which uses bunny meeple. When I finally figured that out and stopped laughing, we rolled dice to ‘race’ the bunnies so they wouldn’t get eaten by the dragon…
RR says
This was my reaction too. The toys on the floor at 18 months are nothing compared to the toys on the floor at 4-6. My daughter gathered like 87 baby dolls in our living room yesterday to watch TV because “I love them all and don’t want any of them to feel left out.” If we didn’t make them pick up, we’d never walk through our house.
(87 is a slight exaggeration, but less far off than it should be!)
SC says
Haha, ever since Mardi Gras, my kid has been organizing parades throughout the house and outside. Each parade involves about a dozen trucks in the parade and a dozen stuffed animals as audience members. At least he’s imagining the throws, and we don’t have tons of beads and junky toys being thrown around the house. (The Mardi Gras beads and toys will gradually disappear over the next few weeks.)
Sleepwouldbegreat says
Trying to decide between the arms reach cosleeper and the dockatot or anything else for our second baby. I know a lot of people are against cosleeping, but my DD#1 woke up to nurse every 1-2 hours and never slept in anything other than right next to me, so I want to be prepared if this baby is also like that. My husband works a lot and i’ll have a lot of help during the day from family, but I’ll need to manage at night by myself.
What is the best way to get the most sleep when breastfeeding for the first 3 months? Getting up out of bed 3-4x night even if the crib is in the same room doesn’t sound very restful. Thanks in advance for any input!
anon says
With #1 I coslept forever and it was a hard habit to break but led to me being able to BF (w/ supplementing) for 14 mos. With #2 we had a travel sized pack n play in our bedroom, and the whole pulling her out of the crib to feed was a PIA. I wish I had just ignored the safe sleep police and bought a dock a tot or snuggle me organic or whatever. Those look useful even for bigger kids.
shortperson says
dockatot is not a safe sleep surface. it is not designed for baby sleeping unless she is being watched.
GCA says
A friend lent me her dockatot and I used it in our bed for the first 3.5 months till Thing 2 started figuring out how to roll. Being able to pick baby up, nurse her and put her back down right away was a lifesaver for sleep and kept her in position in the bed.
layered bob says
I had an arms reach for baby #1. It was ok.
For subsequent babies we did an ikea crib with one side off, pushed up against our bed (wedged against the wall to keep it tight, but otherwise you could use a strap or zip ties to keep it tight against the bed frame). That is much better because baby has their own sleep surface but you can make the crib mattress precisely level with your mattress (measure and drill some new holes if necessary) so it’s easy to pull the baby over to nurse and then shove them over when done. And when we were ready to stop co-sleeping we put the side on the crib and it already felt normal/familiar to the baby. That’s what I’ll keep doing for any additional babies.
Anonymous says
My son pooped every time he ate, so I always felt like I had to get up to change him anyway. Do other babies not do this?
ElisaR says
thank goodness…. no.
Anonymous says
I thought they all did!
Boston Legal Eagle says
Yep, my DS2 did. He slept (and still does…not exactly by choice) in a pack n play bassinet in our room so for those first few months, so we’d get him, I’d nurse and husband would change the diaper and we’d try to switch off who rocked him to sleep. Yes, the first few months suck in terms of sleep. I don’t know how to avoid this other than maybe hiring a night nanny and hoping the nursing sessions don’t wake you up too much.
Anon says
Nope. In the beginning she pooped multiple times a day, but very rarely at night. Starting when she was ~1 month old, she started only pooping once a week or even less, but when she pooped it was a guaranteed blowout because there was so much. I would have preferred frequent, smaller poops tbh.
Anonymous says
We did bassinet by the bed. Really it wasn’t a huge deal to sit up, get the baby out, feed and put the baby back to bed. I also would get up to nurse in the recliner/glider in her room when she was a tiny newborn because it was more comfortable for me. Yeh getting up 4 times a night sucks but it doesn’t last forever. I would not do a dockatot as they don’t look safe to me, but you do you!
octagon says
We also did a bassinet by the bed (literally right next to — there were some nights where I would be touching the baby for his comfort). Then around 10 weeks old we moved it away from the bed, but still in the same room. After a couple of weeks we moved it into the nursery. Then after another week or so we moved baby into the crib. It worked really well for us.
Anonymous says
+1 – we did a bassinet by the bed and it wasn’t a big deal to get her out and nurse her/change her and put her back in. We made a very similar transition as octagon and it worked great.
AwayEmily says
+1 we did this but sped up (bassinet next to the bed for about a month, then into the nursery)
Anon says
+1 to the bassinet by the bed – I used the Halo bassinest, and with the swing down arm, I didn’t even have to get up to take her out. At 3 months we moved her cold turkey to the nursery, and I’d nurse in the recliner there.
ElisaR says
i loved our arms reach cosleeper. I bought it used on FB for $50. Maybe you can get both and see what works for you.
Pogo says
I used the Chicco Lullago bassinet in our room. Not an actual cosleeper but I had it next to the bed so I definitely did not get up to nurse (just reached over). Also did not get up to change unless poo.
I liked it because it wasn’t a single-use item like a cosleeper, and I did use it for travel when LO was small because it’s less bulky than a PnP. He transitioned to his own room/crib at around 8-9 weeks, I believe.
Anon says
My daughter slept in the DockATot next to me (DH slept in the guestroom) for the first 4 months of her life. We tried without success to get her to sleep in her Halo bassinet many, many (many!) times, and opted for the DockATot after the first few weeks out of sheer desperation. She would only sleep on or immediately next to me and the DockATot gave me some measure of comfort that I wouldn’t roll over onto her in the middle of night. I realize it’s not technically “safe for sleep”, but after so many weeks, it also wasn’t safe for me to never sleep either. I was worried she’d need the DockATot sleep forever, but she easily transitioned to her crib at 16 weeks.
I never EVER thought I’d co-sleep, but everyone’s a perfect parent until they have a kid, right?
Anonymous says
I LOOOOOVED our arms reach. We got the bigger one, so it now serves as our pack-n-play since she has outgrown. It was so nice to just get to lean over to pick baby up or put her back down after she would nurse. Or put my arm over and pat her or reassure her when she would fuss but didn’t need to be picked up, without my having to get out of bed. But I felt so much safer with her there than if she were in a DockaTot since it really isn’t a safe sleep surface per AAP guidelines. The Arms Reach is. That dichotomy was the decision-maker for me. And then I loved what we had.
fallen says
I posted about the nanny yesterday. Thank you everyone for your advice!! We decided to give her an offer this week, and I am taking the advice of offering above market that someone suggested later in the day. Is there anyone from the northeast (or specifically in CT, 1 hour from NYC) who can give me an idea of what the weekly market rate is for 50 hours per week? We are moving there so I have no clue what’s standard there. I will at least give her what she asked for in her interview / what she is getting paid now for 60 hours per week (1000 net per week after tax), but I wasn’t sure if that was above market or not, it honestly seems low-ish for that area. I really want her to take this offer because I have no idea where else I would look for a nanny if she turns it down, all the other ones I interviewed were so meh.
I also ideally would like to have someone who can commit to 1-2 date nights per month, but idk if it would be too much to ask a nanny. I can also work on finding a college sitter :)
Also, do you generally do nanny background checks after or before she accepts the offer? I don’t want to spend 100+ on a background check if she will turn it down. I was thinking of just giving her the offer pending clearing a background check.
anon says
Try Park Slope Moms for market ranges? I’m in Texas so no help at all. Or maybe try to find a FB neighborhood parents group and ask a couple of people offline (via PM) if they know what the market rate is.
For the date nights, I think it’s fine to use your nanny if that’s what she wants and if it’s the easy way for you to start when you move. But I think you’ll be paying overtime so it’s expensive. College and HS sitters are usually cheaper (than your regular nanny rate, not to mention nanny’s OT rate) and easier to schedule. You’ll need a “bench” of them :) (like 2 to 4ish depending on how often you go out and how social/busy your sitters are).
I would do the background check now but maybe that’s because I’m a bit conflict avoidant–seems easier to say you’re going to go with someone else than to deal with telling her you found something in her background check that makes you uncomfortable. Go with what makes you feel more comfortable, I think either is acceptable. I use Instant Checkm*te for dating background checks. It’s a monthly fee ($35) for unlimited checks and I add the extra $5 for reverse phone number searches–it’s come in super handy.
Anonymous says
Not in CT but I am in Boston, and the going rate here for a full time nanny is $20-25/hour. Our nanny works 45 hours a week and makes $850 after taxes, but we also provide her a subway pass that’s worth about $85/month. It’s totally fine to inquire into babysitting nights, a lot of them could use the extra money. We did the background check after the offer but made the offer contingent on our being satisfied with the results.
RR says
You may be building this into your overall week calculation, but keep in mind that you will have to pay her overtime for anything over 40 hours. You’ll want to consider that in your hourly rate (so you aren’t just taking $X divided by 50 hours). Overtime is time and a half. My $25/hour nanny makes $37.50/hour for overtime. It adds up quickly. I’m no help on the going rate in CT. In Ohio, everyone thinks I pay my nanny an exorbitant hourly rate, but she is worth every penny.
Our nanny also does date nights for us, based upon her availability (although we don’t usually care too much about specific dates so it works out). It doesn’t hurt to ask, although at overtime hourly rates, you may be better off with a separate date night babysitter.
I would do the offer contingent on the background check.
Strategy Mom says
FWIW, our nanny agency and nanny tax firm said it’s standard to negotiate so that if avg # hours is above 40 (ie, 50 hours), you back into hourly pay so that the overall average is $18/hour (or whatever you agreed on) vs. it being $18 for the first 40 hours and overtime after that. I’m sure it depends on the market.
In your shoes, I might not go above her asking pay initially. You can play your cards later as needed – additional gas money, a more generous annual raise, etc. I think annual raises are important motivating tools and have been careful not to max out on initial base pay so that I have the ability to provide a generous bonus or raise later on (but I know you’re in a competitive market). Also having an honest, open dynamic will ensure she feels comfortable telling you later on if she needs more pay to make it worth her while. When she left for more pay, hopefully she gave the family the opportunity to match the pay, and if she didn’t, they probably didn’t have a great, trusting relationship in the first place.
rosie says
On the first point, just be abundantly clear whether you are talking about an hourly rate that is “blended” between the 40 reg and 10 OT or if you are talking about the reg hourly rate. We definitely had some communications issues when interviewing. But keep in mind that any OT about the 50 would not be at the “blended” rate but at the actual hourly rate. Also, are you going to guarantee 50 hours a week?
CCLA says
This is what we do. Guarantee 50 hours, which works out to 40 hours at standard rate and 10 hours at 1.5x. Some weeks are a little less due to how PTO works into the blended rate, and some weeks are of course more if we ask her to do extra hours (at the overtime rate), but overall it’s fairly predictable and the guaranteed overtime definitely made a difference to her.
anon says
I was the late poster encouraging you to pay at or slightly above market and agree that this pay strategy (from Strategy Mom) seems very solid, if you think you can and will have an open and honest relationship with her. Sort of a know-yourself and, to the extent possible at this stage, know your nanny. The one thing I wouldn’t do is wait for her to come to you asking for more (to offer a raise or very good bonus)–it’s great if she feels comfortable doing it but also often means there’s already some discontent.
NYCer says
We essentially pay a salary – flat amount every week. The negotiated rate was per week not per hour. If our nanny babysits outside of her “typical” hours (e.g., late evenings or weekends), then we pay separately by the hour for that. Most of my friends in NYC with full time nannies use this same sort of arrangement.
rosie says
We basically do the same (DC), although I think we negotiated the hourly rate but made clear that we would be guaranteeing a “salary” each week of 40hrs + 10hrs at time-and-a-half, as the nanny candidates that we spoke to were talking in terms of hourly rates.
Anonymous says
I can’t imagine this is legal unless your nanny works the exact same number of hours every week?
Anothertwinmom says
The market rate depends on how many kids and what the responsibilities are. Depending on how many kids and the nanny’s responsibilities, that certainly could be within market. Fwiw, I found the salaries in the Park Slope Parents survey lower than the market I see in the suburbs north of NYC.
I’ve gone both ways with the background check. I think it makes the most sense to give the offer contingent on the background check though, so you don’t waste time and money on a background check if there is ultimately something about your offer that the nanny doesn’t like.
ifiknew says
My 2 year old will not keep bows in her hair. I’ve only tried one random bow company from amazon. Her hair is growing out and is just kind of a mess right now though. What would you recommend for styling it, it’s not quite long enough to pull back in a ponytail. Any bows that stay in her silky hair and aren’t too big and comfortable?
AwayEmily says
At that age we used the tiny elastics to pull back just front of her hair, either in one or two mini-ponytails. It was very cute.
Anon says
+1. If you want to use the bows you bought you can clip them over the elastics.
Anonymous says
Yep, tiny elastics just to gather the hair away from her face, often into a tiny ponytail on top of her head that made her look like an adorable alien.
We also had some of those tiny snap clips that worked fine in super thin toddler hair, but until our girls were 2 they’d just pull them out.
Anonymous says
We also used elastics (the polyester fiber seamless kind that don’t get stuck) and tie her hair either in a small ponytail on the top of her head or, as of recently, pigtails on the side of her head.
MomUnderway says
We also used the tiny elastics, the bows tended to cling oddly and pull their hair. I have had success with the little metal bendy clips that snap open and closed, just don’t leave them in for bath and have them go down the drain…. not that I would know that it’s possible.
Anon in NYC says
I wish I had an answer for you! My almost 4 year old won’t keep anything in her hair and only begrudgingly lets us put barrettes in her hair to keep it out of her face when she brushes her teeth.
Room sharing says
I know room sharing is generally recommended, but I have a specific logistics question. I have a 7 month old who still nurses one time at night, and also can wake up crying, and a 2.5 year old who is a pretty good sleeper in her crib. We would like them to share a room once the baby is sleeping through the night with no nursings (hopefully in a month or two), but at what point do we move the 2.5 year old out of her crib? My take is wait until she wants to move, because who knows when that will be, and then just see how it goes with both of them in the same room, my husband thinks we should put her in the toddler bed now so she gets used to that first before we move them in together. Thoughts? Warnings?
Anonymous says
YMMV but I kept my kids in their cribs until they were 4 as they didn’t ask to move. At age 4 I negotatied that they had to stay in their beds at night if they wanted big kid beds. A second crib at IKEA is inexpensive. Especially if they are sharing, I would want older kid in crib as long as possible so I don’t have to worry about her poking at the baby.
AwayEmily says
I love this! Mine is 3 and shows no sign of wanting to move.
Anonymous says
Has she shown any signs of interest in climbing out of the crib? We had to move ours to a bed before that age because she was a crib escape artist and we were afraid she’d hurt herself.
ElisaR says
yeah i’m inclined to say keep the 2.5 year old in the bed for while. Once they can get out of the bed it’s game over for a lot of bedtime routines.
Anon says
Question about siblings sharing rooms (bc I plan to do this if I am fortunate enough to have kid #2) – when did you move the baby into the older kid’s room? How do you handle having each kiddo sleep through the other’s crying/nighttime disruptions?
Anonymous says
Learn to nurse sidelying so you don’t have to sit up. My sister could do this from the beginning but it only worked for me when babies were around 6 months old.
Don’t change nighttime diapers unless they are poopy. Have a change station set up next to or near your bed.
Clusterfeed in the evenings if possible. I fed mine as often as every hour between 7-11pm, just let them nap on the BF pillow in between and then they would often go a long stretch overnight.
Go to bed as soon as baby is asleep in the evenings. Your family can help with dishes/chores in the morning.
Redux says
I’m always so inspired by the Week-in-the-Life posters who are able to fit regular exercise into their routines. I’m curious: when do you find time to exercise?
I have two daycare-age kids and an hour-long commute each way. I never exercise. Like, literally never. I’m trying to start small by adding a few little things to my day, but I need help! I have tried in the past to do a 15 min fitness blender vid after the kids go to bed, but usually I am just too tired. I have a standing desk, so do light stretches during the day, but I need a real ramp up. Now that the weather is warming up I’m going to try to walk a mile over my lunch break. Other, ease-in ideas? Or is easing in the wrong method and I need to carve an hour into my day at some point to get a real workout in?
ElisaR says
what kind of flexibility do you have at work? I sneak out to go to a 45 minute bar method class once a week. I feel guilty but everyone in my office knows I’m doing it and I’m the boss but I still feel bad. But it’s all I do. And sometimes I can’t even do that.
When I had only had one baby I used to go to tap class at 7:30pm one night a week. But that’s impossible now with 2.
Redux says
I work a condensed 4-day work week, and tend to spend all my hours at my (standing) desk to justify my condensed week. I usually eat my lunch at my desk, too, and many, many days I only leave my office to go to the bathroom. (Wow writing this out makes me really sad). Taking an actual lunch break to walk around outside is my big plan for when the weather gets warmer!
Anonymous says
If you made time for an hour workout on the three days a week you don’t have work, that would be great. Gym with day care or trade off with your spouse if you have one.
Redux says
You’re right. I think I need a re-frame about this whole working out thing. Making it a part of self-care and a regular routine seems like the right move.
HSAL says
I’m right there with you. I’m starting to cut back on pumping (babies are 9 1/2 months) and planning to take walks this summer with all the time I’m freeing up. My job also offers on-site yoga classes a couple times a month, so I’m going to start doing those again as well. If you have space in your office (and a closed door!) I also really love the Downward Dog yoga app. It’s still images of postures with an audio guide, and it’s super customizable for length/difficulty/etc.
Honestly, that and getting out for more walks/playing with the kids are all I’ve got in me. I could use more active exercise, but I’m just not willing to cut something out of my day for it.
Redux says
Ending pumping is going to open up your day so much! Thanks for the app rec. I’m thinking something like that might work for me. I’ll look for one with squats and bends in the rotation.
shortperson says
when i went back to work with #2 i bought a treadmill for my standing desk. that is my only reliable exercise. it’s 1015 AM i’ve already walked over two miles today. i do feel like a hamster running on a wheel to work while i walk but this is my life right now.
Redux says
Wow, I’m impressed you can work while walking! Do you wear sneakers and yoga pants in your office?
shortperson says
no, i walk barefoot on a treadmill designed for desks. so it is very stable. (from uplift dot com) i go pretty slow and do not break a sweat. to clarify, i work from home 3 days a week and i have this setup in my home office so i do wear athleisure — but i would be anyways ;-) if i switch to working in an office one day i guess i’ll bring my treadmill in.
GCA says
That brings a whole new meaning to rat race! :)
I have a 7.5mo and a preschooler, so I have no life and a lot of, like, 10pm sad treadmill jogs right now, but I’m hoping several things will help: When I stopped pumping with kid 1, I would run at lunchtime. Also, I used to take him for stroller runs in the summer to the coffee shop when he woke up early. This worked well for everyone: I am a better human after a short run, kid got to see trucks and ducks and eat a bagel, and husband got to sleep in.
Anon says
Literally never for me also, beyond family walks in the evenings (which are only a late spring/summer/early fall thing in my area). Exercise is one of those things that I think I’d do if I were a SAHM, but since I work full time and feel like I barely have enough time with my kid as is, I don’t want to take away from time with her to carve out time for the gym.
Redux says
Ugh, same. Plus I don’t *like* working out, as is maybe apparent. I feel like if I’m going to add something to my plate right now it’s got to be something I love doing.
Everlong says
Anything is more than you do now! I think a mile over your lunch break is a great start! I only workout if it’s early in the morning before the kids get up, or if I get it in over lunch. The very early wake-ups sound awful, but I figure that I generally have more energy from an hour of working out than I would if I had spent an extra hour sleeping.
Is there any form of exercise that you like doing or think you might like to do? I love my chosen sport, but I would never get out of bed for say, a Zumba class.
Redux says
In theory I could do an early morning thing because I usually wake up before everyone in the house and I used to be a morning person… but I have a complication that I take my thyroid medication in the morning on an empty stomach and I can’t eat anything for an hour. I don’t know if I could get up early to work out on an empty stomach, but maybe that’s making excuses.
Everlong says
I’d say to try to eat a little extra the night before to tide you over. I don’t typically eat in the morning before working out, and sometimes don’t eat for a little while after. Your body adapts! Trying it once, or even for a few weeks, doesn’t lock you in forever. You might surprise yourself! It doesn’t really get easier, but the payoff is worthwhile. You can do it!
Redux says
Thanks for the encouragement!
Anonymous says
+1 to Everlong!
Em says
I used to think this too. I don’t do hungry well and actually get light headed if I don’t eat regularly (I almost passed out in a meeting when I tried intermittent fasting). Weirdly I don’t have any problem working out in the mornings before I eat. I wake up between 5 and 5:30 every morning and do a HIIT workout with some lifting and/or ab work. The workouts last 20-30 minutes, and then I get coffee, get ready, get my son up, and we eat breakfast together 90 minutes later. For awhile I would sometimes workout in the evenings after my son went to bed, but I’m just too tired anymore. I finally accepted I have to workout in the morning during the week or it won’t happen. On the weekends I usually workout during nap time.
Redux says
I am definitely going to talk to my endocrinologist about it. Aside from the hangries/ lightheadedness, I read somewhere that because exercise redirects your body’s bloodflow away from the intestine, absorption of the medication is less efficient. I am fully without a thyroid, so I need my meds to work as planned! This idea seems worth puzzling out, though. Thanks for all of your thoughts!
Anonymous says
One of my friends asked me lately what I do for exercise and my answer was “umm, go for walks on weekends sometimes…?” and then I felt really guilty for not taking adequate care of myself. So, solidarity, you’re not alone with 2 toddlers, a long commute, and exhaustion in the evening.
Redux says
Ha, me too. I’m like, um… I went on a 3-mile hike back in October!
Anon says
I have one toddler and a shorter commute, and I’ve just accepted that exercise is not a part of this season of life. The type of exercise that I really enjoy (boutique fitness classes) is really hard to fit into a working mom + traveling working spouse schedule, and it’s not worth the time to me to try to squeeze in a form of exercise that I don’t love (ie – running). Chasing my toddler around, carrying her 20+ pound self up and down the stairs, and walks to the park are going to have to do it for the time being.
Anonymous says
+1 I view this as a season of life kind of thing. But I’m in awe of those who keep up with it. We walk a bunch, I do a ton of housework, and I lift my 25lb toddler all the time so my shoulders/back/arms are in good shape. I luckily don’t struggle with weight, so I figure I’ll get back to the gym in 5yrs. I don’t have the motivation for exercise videos at home which I technically do have time for.
Anon says
I like the app Seven – they are literally 7 minute workouts, which sounds ridiculous, but it’s also really hard to justify not fitting them in. Probably not huge calorie burners just because of the condensed time, but it leaves me muscles sore and feeling like they worked.
Strategy Mom says
In the same boat. What about making some of your meetings walking meetings? Especially 1:1s or coffee chats. My husband and I occasionally take turns with bathtime/bedtime routine and he’ll workout when it’s his off night. He also does it during naps on weekends or will take one of the kids to the basement with him and let the kiddo watch terrible youtube videos as a special treat to entice him. This requires buying an elliptical or something for your house. And to be honest, whenever it’s my turn for a break, I take a nap. So I’m a little smooshier than I’d like, but mehhhh! At least I’m not cranky.
Anonymous says
I only have 1 child and a 40 hr a week job and could not do it really regularly until he was 2.5. For me I have to do it first thing in the morning, and I don’t do it on weekends because it makes me too tired/cranky to get all my chores and playing with son done.
Anonymous says
So my situation is unique in that I have a very flexible schedule (small to medium law firm, firm cares about hours billed but not butt in seat time). On days I work out, I tend to get up and work from home from 5:30-7:00, get my kiddo up and out the door with hubby who does drop off, go for a run, shower, and go to work. The extra time in the early morning makes up for being late, and I prefer running around 7:45-8:00 a.m. when it is plenty light outside. I have no problem getting up at 5:30 (most days), but I do better getting up and working that early instead of working out.
Pogo says
Caveats: short commute and relatively flexible hours with a decent company culture towards fitness and onsite gym and 1x/week yoga class (I know, I’m spoiled. I don’t make biglaw money though!).
I do most of my workouts at lunch – 20-30min jog (nice weather) or treadmill/elliptical + PT exercises and RestoreYourCore video. I do yoga 1x/week at lunch, and I try for another yoga class on Saturday mornings. I have also attempted the “after bedtime” yoga class, but that takes motivation and requires spouse be home (though since it’s after bedtime it doesn’t require that he be on kid duty, which makes it easy to negotiate – as long as he’s not travelling he really has no excuse and neither do I!). I also do stroller walks on the weekends.
I’m trying to work back up to running 45-50 min at a time, either with or without the stroller. I screwed up by hip by trying to ramp back up to running too fast PP/running all my mileage with the stroller…. hence the PT and RYC.
Anonymous says
Morning workouts are the only way I can get anything in. Is there a gym near your house, or some sort of workout studio? I could never workout by myself, but knowing I have a class to go to that starts at a certain time is all I need. I can just show up, not think, and get a great workout in with someone else telling me what to do. I set my alarm, have all my clothes laid out, and just basically sleep walk there. If you find something you enjoy (barre, yoga, HITT, etc) it can be a really nice escape. I love the loud music and there is a steam room that I treat myself to after class for a few minutes before I have to rush home and start the daily routine.
Also with regard to eating, I never eat beforehand (and I am someone that needs breakfast ASAP on a normal morning), I just eat as soon as I get home. You might try it and see how you do.
anon says
Do people ever buy their kid’s bday cake from the supermarket these days? i feel like i see pics of all my friends’ kids with these fancy cakes. even my parents are saying i should get a fancy cake for the first bday, but to me it feels like a waste of $.
Lana Del Raygun says
That’s nuts imo. My family tends to make cakes at home, in part for cost, but when we buy cakes they’re from Costco. (We used to go to a fancy bakery for sacraments, but … Costco tastes better.)
ElisaR says
We did ShopRite cake for my son this weekend when he turned 3. (that’s a local supermarket for us).
My SIL always makes CRAZY cakes for her sons. I don’t think they appreciate them and I just don’t have that in me.
Anon says
I’m not opposed to buying fancy cakes once they can get some enjoyment out of them, but a 1 year old doesn’t care how the cake looks, or even really how the cake tastes. I made a homemade cake and tried to make it healthy-ish because she hadn’t really had true desserts at that point. I don’t think I’m a stickler about sugar and will have no issue letting her have it when she asks, it just seemed silly to me to take a kid who loved her veggies and hand her a super sweet cake.
Redux says
You know who appreciates a fancy cake? Adults. You know who doesn’t care? Kids. In our house we get grocery store cakes for parties (feeds a bunch of kids for low cost), homemade cakes for our family, and fancy cakes for the very occasional special occasion (e.g., DH’s 40th birthday, my promotion at work).
Knope says
You probably see pics of fancy cakes because nobody bothers taking a pic of a not-fancy cake! We have done grocery store cakes for my toddler’s bday twice now and no one seemed to mind. We did a strawberry filling this year and it was delicious. The decorations weren’t Instagram-worthy but I don’t live my life on Instagram, so it didn’t matter to me.
rosie says
If it was fancy cakes only, then I would still be ignorant about this taco place by us that makes amazing sheetcakes (introduced to it at a first birthday). But maybe it’s that the ones who aren’t doing fancier cakes may just not take (or post) a picture of them?
Anonymous says
We’re doing a wegmans cake for my 2 year olds family “party” but I did Giant grocery store cupcakes for her playgroup. I expect store bought sheet-cake at a kids party (and then usually just don’t eat any!) the kids like it that’s all that matters. My sister in law stays up until 3am the night before every birthday making ridiculous cakes for her kids.
Anon says
Caveat that I love to bake, find it relaxing, etc., but I bought 6 inch cake rounds (hold half the batter of a 9 inch round) to make “fancy” cakes for our small family. My sister made the cakes for kiddo’s 1st birthday – a 2-layer smash cake for the baby that I think she made in 4 inch ramekins my mom had and then a full 9 inch round layer cake for the rest of the guests. Buttercream and some sprinkles go a long way (and you can use cutout wax paper on top of a frosted and chilled buttercream cake as a stencil to do sprinkle numbers, etc.).
GCA says
Yeah, all my kids’ birthdays so far have been ‘catered by Costco’. (If they ran a real catering service that would be kind of amazing!) I hear Whole Foods also has good cake. I definitely agree there’s some selection bias about fancy cake photos!
RR says
I love a fancy cake, because it makes me ridiculously happy. But, sometimes I’m busy and they end up with a sheet cake from the grocery store. Ask me how much my kids notice the difference between the $200 multi-tier ombre custom-designed ballerina cake (or the Harry Potter spell book cake, or the cake with rainbow layers, etc.) and the $30 sheet cake with plastic Elsa figures. (Spoiler alert: they don’t, except the Elsa cake has Elsa figures, so…..) If the fancy cake brings you joy, party on. If not, cake is cake.
FVNC says
My husband and I have a weird love of grocery store sheet cake with the super sugary, slightly chemical-tasting frosting, so….yes, we get grocery store cakes or bake from scratch.
Redux says
My husband is the same! He much prefers a grocery store cake to any other– I think its the deep childhood sensory memory. Our grocery store offers the “traditional” frosting option that you describe and a “best creme” option that is lighter, and more like whipped creme. Last year I got the “best creme” for our kids birthday and DH was so disappointed!
FVNC says
OMG that whipped creme frosting is the wooooooorst, haha!
Redux says
HAHAHA! I’m sending my DH to your house next year!
anon says
I often bake our cakes because I enjoy doing it, but my decorating skills are only slightly above average. Definitely not the ridiculously awesome stuff I’ve seen on Pinterest. BUT, if we’re in the middle of a busy season of life, I have no qualms getting sheet cake at our local grocery store. It’s not homemade, but it’s really delicious and the kids love it.
SC says
On our birthday party circuit, most of the cakes are Costco or grocery store cakes. But the grocery store cakes are getting fancier, and I’ve been surprised to hear that several cakes have been from one of the local grocery stores. There have been a few show-stopper cakes, but I think most parents have realized that’s not necessary. I’ve never noticed that the kids cared one way or the other.
I’ve thrown 3 birthday parties for my kid. The first birthday party, which had mostly adult guests, was a local specialty cake–not super fancy looking, but tastes amazing. The second birthday party was in the morning, and we served donuts. The third birthday party, I made chocolate cupcakes. This year, I’ll either make a confetti cake or buy a sheet cake from Costco. (I love baking, but only when given sufficient time.)
Strategy Mom says
All of my sons classmates have pinteresty SAHMs but after the first or second year of parties, everyone is on team costco/publix (and the oohs and ahhs from when we were new moms and overfocused on things like fancy cakes have faded away). FWIW, one of my old clients was an industrial baking company, and the frosting used by publix and costco (and maybe wallmart as of last year), was top of the line quality. They want to entice you with good cake so you’ll buy everything else for your party there.
Also, Publix has a great monster truck cake if you have a monster truck loving little guy :)
Anonymous says
I love making fancy elaborate cakes and my son is DYING for Fudgie the Whale. Kids love grocery store cakes IME. Most would probably prefer a tray of frosting over anything involving actual cake.
K says
I’m a believer in bakery cakes, rather than supermarket, because (1) they do honestly taste a lot better — I’ve gotten compliments every time I’ve gotten one, even when the design looked the same as a supermarket cake (2) the kids do get excited about fancy designs — my daughter still talks about the volcano cake with dinosaur toys we had at her party several weeks ago and (3) the additional cost isn’t that much for us — it’s about $110 for a bakery cake that serves 60 people, vs. about $65 for the same size cake from the grocery store. Plus (4) you’re supporting a local business rather than a corporation, which to me is not decisive but is another “pro.”
Anon says
How reasonable is it to ask our nanny not to take the baby on stroller walks in the middle of the day and go in the late afternoon instead? Nanny has been with us a few months but temperatures in our area are only just now becoming moderate enough to willingly spend time outside, so it wasn’t an issue until now. I will ask her to apply sunscreen, but even with sunscreen I try to avoid outdoor activities from 10-4 when the sun is most intense. However, I’m aware I’m more paranoid about the sun than most (I’m fair, have had some suspicious moles and have to see a derm twice yearly for skin checks).
Anon says
Seems reasonable to me (as a pasty white, so pale I glow person).
anon says
Totally reasonable but double check those hours (and know your climate). Also consider whether going on a walk in a shaded stroller meets the definition for things to avoid during those hours. I’m in Texas and would default to assuming it’s better to take kiddo for a walk or to the park from 10 to 12 than from 4 to 7 (because it is just too darn hot after 2ish). Avoiding outdoor activities with a small child from 10 to 4 seems like a long stretch especially when the weather is seasonable. I’d look for some other ideas like long, loose sleeves, hats, sunscreen, shaded areas, extended sun shad for the stroller (add a fan if necessary), etc.
NYCer says
Agree with this. Staying inside every day from 10-4 would drive me (personally) batty, so I would at least try to offer your nanny some other alternative activities/options in that time frame if you don’t want her out on walks (or presumably at the park or playground).
Anonymous says
Does your stroller have a good sunshade? If so I think you are borrowing trouble. Nanny will also need to work around baby’s nap schedule.
Anonymous says
Doesn’t your stroller have a sun shade? Let her use that.