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Do you fit in with the moms at your kids’ school? Do you feel like whether you fit in or not has an effect on your child’s social life? Readers on Corporette had a great discussion recently about feeling frumpy around SAHMs as a working mom. The whole conversation is terrific (seriously, check it out here), but this one comment really stood out to me:
I live in a fancy ’hood in the SEUS, but lived there for 15 years as a single BigLaw lawyer (in suits) before abruptly getting married and having 2 kids in 20 months. Then I encountered a different world that had been here all long once my kids entered the local kindergarten: women who don’t work (and yet still have fancy houses). I had never even set eyes on them, and at my first school “beginners day” I was shocked. I turned up in May looking like the Office Goth: black with black accessories and skin that hasn’t seen sunlight during the weekdays since the 1980s. Everyone else was in cute colored outfits. They looked relaxed. I looked OMG so tense. BUT our office has gone casual and I’ve gone up a size, so as I restocked my closet, I made sure to add things that let me blend in a bit more easily.
I love this idea of the Office Goth, and I’ve definitely attended events like this where I just felt totally out of place and completely frumpy compared to the women around me. I thought it would be a great discussion over here at CorporetteMoms: Is there a big divide where you live between the way the working moms dress and the way the SAHMs dress? Have you tried to upgrade your weekend wardrobe to fit in (whether it’s buying brightly colored Lilly Pulitzer-type stuff or Brooklyn Mom-approved clogs, for example!), or have you just (as other moms in that comment thread advised) sought out moms who dressed like you and/or didn’t care quite so much about “fitting in”? Do you feel like your child’s social life suffers if you don’t “fit in”?
{related: friends with MLM businesses and more fun with mom friends}
Stock photo via Deposit Photos / apid.
avocado says
We live in a conservative suburb of a small-ish city where there are approximately zero other families with two non-teacher working parents. The mom uniform is genuine (non-ironic) mom jeans, college sweatshirt or free t-shirt from some event, and actual running shoes. I don’t worry about being looked down upon as frumpy, I worry about being perceived as high-maintenance for wearing skinny jeans, Vejas, a plain t-shirt, and mascara.
No, I don’t fit in with the other moms at our school, but my clothes are the least of it.
AnotherAnon says
+1 to your last sentence.
Redux says
Same. We are in a conservative, semi-rural district and a Title I school. Lots of unemployed or underemployed service industry parents and lots of T* bumper stickers. I stick out for all sorts of reasons.
K. says
Me too! I live in a high-poverty, rural area in the midwest. I have a PhD., teach high school, dress very urban (people have told me, whatever that means!) and am 37. Most moms are about 10-20 years younger than me (am more grandma age and I am not kidding about that). People are politically conservative and religiously conservative. I do not fit in for all sorts of reasons. I’ve been able to find some moms that I connect with though–they are generally very different from me, but they are open to building community and I am too–so that’s why we connect. My kids are not school-age yet though, so I will be curious on how to navigate that.
Anon says
Same! I’m 36. I had my first at 33 and my OBGYN said I was the oldest first time mom she’d ever provided care for. My younger daughter’s daycare teacher is 41 and a grandmother to several kids. One of my co-workers is 39 and going to be a grandmother this summer. Our regular babysitter is 16 and her parents are younger than me. My parents are 70 and are regularly mistaken for our daughters’ great-grandparents not because they look older than they are, but just because people absolutely can’t comprehend that a generation can be more than 25 years.
Irish Midori says
I can identify with this. It was not unusual for my kids’ daycare mates to be in the custody of their great grandparents–who did not look quite old enough to me to have so many generations between them. My community is an odd mix of professionals (largely imported) and poor to working class (largely local), so there seems to be a bi-modal distribution on parental age here.
Anon says
I find your comment ironic. I am 39 and was at a doc’s appt recently and the couple ahead of me was in their 80s. The male receptionist thought I was their kid and I was tremendously insulted. Life is funny. Just saying.
Pogo says
Ha, relevant to my life: I showed up at a playdate the other day fresh from work, definitely in Office Goth. One of the other moms did a double take and was like, Oh wow I didn’t recognize you!
When I don’t go straight from work I dress much like the other moms – athleisure or some variation on jeans and a Breton shirt. That is very much the uniform in the northeast.
GCA says
+1. I work from home or coworking space and am very thankful that Northeast Mom Uniform is basically exactly the same as my work uniform. (I am currently in jeans and a Loft sweater-ghost of seasons past.) Which often means neighbors assume I’m free and available for a chat when I’m in fact dashing to work or to pickup.
I’ve also given up trying to fit in :) Somewhere, somehow I will stick out (working full-time in a crowd of part-time or SAHMs; wfh when other people go to an office; primary breadwinner when other moms are secondary; secondary parent when other moms are default…I give up!)
anon says
My younger daughter is at a part time church preschool (that’s what’s available) and I absolutely don’t fit in. The moms all have a matching look with long, lightly curled hair, manicured nails, and a layered pintrest look that I just can’t’ match. I feel even more out of place when they start comparing which HomeGoods has the best items that week–they’ve all been to 5 or 6 and can tell you which has recently gotten a shipment. It’s crazy.
Fortunately, I fit in with the parents at my older DD’s public elementary school much better. It’s more of a mix that includes working moms.
sfg says
My kid’s current preschool markets itself as being for full time working parents – there is no part time option – and so for the most part everyone is a working parent. I still stick out though because I seem to have one of the more formal jobs, so I tend to be more dressed up when I’m at school. Most of the other moms are usually business casual at most and generally true casual.
anon says
Same here. It’s weird. But I still fit in better at the preschool than I do at the elementary school. There, I’m one of the only moms who looks as dressed up as the dads with big jobs. Really, though, clothing is the least of my issues with fitting in with the mom crowd!
EB0220 says
This is interesting! I always feel overdressed compared to the SAHMs. I usually have on a sheath dress and Rothys so I often feel like I stick out but not in a bad way. If anything, I’m less confident in my casual clothes so I feel better about myself during the week than on weekends! My daughter’s school definitely has a lot of working moms, or former SAHMs who are starting new jobs, business, etc. so there’s a pretty wide range of attire (business, casual, scrubs, etc.).
Ms B says
Love the comment about “Office Goth”; perfectly describes my winter look. My summer look runs more to Kate Spade Goes to Court (column of color under bright or tweed/animal print toppers with pearls).
I am at the point where I do not care what the SAH parents wear, especially because some of them are young enough to be my kids (no joke). Their day choice runs to leggings with tank top + Lulu/Athleta zippy for day wear and off the shoulder or ruffled tops with heels for “Moms’ Night Out”. I try to get to the MNO events once or twice a year to be friendly, but after a day of wearing makeup and heels to the office, I just do not want to get gussied up again.
CPA Lady says
Yep. The moms are pretty much all upper middle class professionals in their mid to late 30s, but she goes to a daycare with extended hours in a rich part of town.
CPA Lady says
Oh, I totally missed that this was about outfits. Reading comprehension fail. I think the fact that I feel like I fit in in terms of ambition/lifestyle makes me not as focused on clothes. But yeah, my work outfits are a little stuffier/less fashionable than some of my kids classmates’ moms work outfits, but I generally blend with both work and casual clothes. The SEUS can have what I call a “girly formality” that I enjoy, so I fit in as far as that’s concerned. I don’t look as cute as some SAHMs or some working moms with more artsy careers, but I certainly don’t noticeably stand out. Black looks really harsh on me, and it’s very hot here, so I steer clear most of the time. I also really love bright colors and dresses, so I fit in to the general aesthetic somewhat because of that. I do wish I had a few more hip outfits, but I’d have to stop shopping at Talbots. :)
ITLady says
There is nothing wrong with classic style and if you like it, rock it! I too am decidedly un hip and don’t give a rats ass. Easier on my budget and less to keep up with.
Anonymous says
I WFH almost exclusively, and my child is in a daycare with a preschool program. I drop off/pick up very casually (leggings) most days and assume the other parents judge me. But I don’t care enough to get dressed up for daycare pick up.
EB0220 says
I always felt that way too when I worked from home. I never cared enough to put on work clothes though!
anon says
I’m not judging you — I’m jealous that you get to wear leggings! :)
Signed,
One of those super-dressed-up moms
Anon says
I fit in at daycare, which I think is not the same thing as fitting in at public school, because pretty much all parents dropping their kids off at daycare work, at least in some capacity. Both DH and I work at a large university and our daycare is on-site and run by the university, so most of the parents there are faculty and staff like us and so we have a lot in common with them. DD isn’t even 3 but I’m already dreading the transition to public school. Many more kids there will have SAHMs and although there will be other university families like ours, there will be also be a lot more “locals,” who are almost all white, religious (Christian) and politically conservative. We are only the first of those things.
Ms B says
It’s a fair concern.
The Hubs and I both were much happier with the vibe at The Kid’s somewhat granola daycare than we are with our current public elementary school. The daycare catered to working parents (mostly professionals), including a number of transplants from other parts of the county, and we made a lot of friends there that we remain close with. The Kid’s elementary has a lot of one-income families and a large clique who volunteer weekly and have known each other since they were in kindy at that same school 20 years ago. It’s a challenge.
Govtattymom says
Recently I was at my daughter’s soccer practice with a close college friend who is a SAHM. She commented that I needed some “mom clothes.” It made me realize that my weekend uniform is jeans plus a work appropriate shirt/blouse. Not really the most fashionable or comfortable! I got some new graphic tees, cutoff shorts, etc. to fit in a bit more. Any suggestions to improve my “mom wardrobe”?
Anon says
I think jeans and a work appropriate shirt is way more fashionable than graphic tees and cutoff shorts. If you want to be comfortable, then feel free to get some new clothes. But don’t let her shame you for not having a frumpy “mom wardrobe.”
anon says
This. You dress nicer than the other moms. Not all of us want to be all athleisure all the time. But yes, if you want to be more comfortable, go for it.
AnotherAnon says
+2 only revamp your wardrobe if you feel like it! I try not to be too smug when I pick up my kid in my “Office Goth” and all the other moms are in yoga gear, because I know some of them actually practice/teach yoga, but I’m generally annoyed by the slovenly attire I see in public spaces.
Irish Midori says
Graphic tees are fun and definitely more comfortable than work tops, IMO. A pair of sneakers not specifically meant for running was a gap in my “mom clothes” wardrobe I recently filled, and that’s been nice. A lot of moms seem to like the Toms or Chacos look, but it’s not for me.
Rayne of Terror says
I’m a WAH lawyer in the rural midwest, so my day-to-day uniform is jeans and t shirts. If I have a closing or a will signing I wear dress pants and blouse. Most working moms here are either at a university or one of the several fortune 500 companies within 30 miles and they dress very nicely. The SAH moms wear athleisure. I fit in just fine with the farmer dads. :)
Anon says
My work/life balance has fluctuated wildly since starting at the daycare and I’ve never felt that I don’t fit in. However, having more time has improved my family’s social life because I have time to think about and invite other families to do things, have a chat at pickup (instead of always racing to arrive the minute before daycare closes), plan and pack for trips, etc.
As for clothes—even though it’d suit my schedule to drop off my kids at daycare and then work out, I feel a little insecure about my career and don’t show up at daycare in workout clothes on the regular. The people who do show up in workout clothes tend to have pretty rocking careers with nontraditional hours.
Lyssa says
This just came up for me at a birthday party the other day (though it wasn’t about clothing). The other moms in the group seemed to know EVERY detail about the school, who was doing what, everything about the teachers and administrators and other kids’ situations. Funny thing was, most of these moms did seem to work. My husband stays home (which obviously makes me the odd-gal-out) so I leave most of the school stuff to him, though I wouldn’t say he is anywhere near that involved. I guess some of these moms don’t have particularly demanding full time jobs, but I was really surprised (and maybe a bit weirded out) at how involved they seemed to be.
anon says
OMG, I have had that exact same experience. DH and I are close to 50/50 on handling the school stuff (hallelujah), but the amount of knowledge (i.e., gossip) that other moms seem to have about the elementary school is just mind-boggling to me. Just, how?!
Anonymous says
It’s because they all volunteer at the school, run the Girl Scout service unit, and lead church activities together, then hang out together at the pool all summer.
Irish Midori says
Same! I just… don’t have the capacity to care that much about who the teacher’s aid is dating, yk?
Cb says
Apparently 8am is dad drop-off hour so I haven’t met very many of the nursery mums. But I did switch libraries for story time because the posh SAHM library mums were making me feel out of place and frumpy. The new library is more diverse – about 12 different languages, SAHMs, dads, grandparents, carers, women in hijab and non-binary folk.
Anonymous says
In my neck of the woods, it is more common for Dads to do drop-off.
SC says
I feel like I do fit in with many of the other parents at our kid’s daycare. The daycare is attached to a preK-12 school, which my husband and his father (and their siblings and many cousins) attended, and it helps that some of the parents went to school with my husband. But we’ve also become pretty good friends with some parents who have no previous connection to the school. The school itself seems to attract parents with similar mindsets–it’s not religiously affiliated, it’s socially liberal, and it’s a former Montessori with many of those aspects retained. (Catholic schools make up the bulk of private schools in my area.) There are some SAHMs, but many of the moms work in full-time, professional jobs (doctors, nurses, lawyers, HR, teachers, professors, etc). And, probably because it’s one of the only non-Catholic schools in the area, there seem to be a fair number of families with 2 moms, at least 1 of whom works full-time.
There do seem to be a few moms, including some I’m friends with, who always seem to know the “scoop.” I’ve never been the type of person to be in the know, and I’m sure I wouldn’t be even if I didn’t have a job.
LifeintheOC says
I live in s Calif in a very affluent area so pretty much none of the moms work at my son’s preschool. I’m always very dressed up compared to the yoga pant and tennis outfit wearing moms. It doesn’t bother me because I’m usually in an out anyway. At birthday parties I usually wear jeans and a nice top that’s my go to.
ITLady says
Midwest here and I dread transitioning to elementary school and beyond, especially if we ever move into the nicer school district in the county or an area zoned to the best high school in our current district. Our currently zoned schools I don’t think will be too bad as we’re in a transitional area that is not poor but not posh either. However the county in general has that reputation of being stuck up and keeping with the joneses personalities. I mesh well enough with those crowds…but it does not have a positive influence on me. Here’s to hoping as I age more I continue to care less and keep my down to earth friends I’ve made thus far.
Our daycare is the best as there are very, very few parties. I don’t think parents come for anything besides graduation from Pre-K. I literally only know one other family in the year we’ve been there and that’s mainly because they happened to go to a hike it baby meetup. Most everyone just drops kiddos off and head to their jobs and its a mix of casual to dressy attire.
IlliniAlumn says
I’m 31 with an almost-2-year-old who attends a daycare center in the Chicago suburbs. I work out immediately after work, so I look like a sweaty mess during daycare pickup! I don’t pay much attention to how the other parents dress or behave, and I hope they aren’t judging me.
I’m interested to see how things will change when my LO starts school. I’m an administrator at the school district he likely will attend. Most parents here had kids in their mid-30s to early-40s, and there’s a healthy mix of SAHMs and non-SAHMs. Most of my own friends (my age) don’t have kids yet. When LO starts school, I’ll likely be 5-10 years younger than the other parents. I am a little concerned that I may not fit into their cliques, simply due to age.
Seventh Sister says
LA area – I don’t fit in with the other upper-middle-class moms (who are mostly SAHMs with husbands who work all the time), but get along just fine with the other moms who have full-time jobs. I definitely felt more connected to the other moms at daycare, but I also did more drop-offs and was more involved. Also daycare was a lot smaller (@75 kids v. 500 kids at elementary school).