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My mother-in-law sent this toy to my son a few months ago, and he loves it so much she just ordered him some extra tracks. These tracks are flexible and can be snapped into several different shapes, and even into circles. You can ue them to make one long track or a few smaller ones. The cars are battery powered and are powerful enough to speed around whatever shape you make.
I think this is a type of toy that my son will get more creative with as he gets older. Just a warning for those of you who have littler kids who like to put things in their mouths, the pieces of the bridge are small.
The set is $18.99 at Amazon. Dinosaur Toys Racetrack
Sales of note for 8.30.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 30% off full-price purchase; $99 jackets, dresses & shoes; extra 50% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 20% off
- Eloquii – Up to 60% off everything; extra 60% off all sale
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide; extra 60% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – Extra 20% off orders $125+; extra 60% off clearance; 60%-70% off 100s of styles
- Lands’ End – 40% off sitewide; 50% off backpacks, 40% off kids’ apparel
- Loft – Summer sale, 30% off new arrivals; up to 50% off much more
- Talbots – 25% off regular-price purchase; 70% off clearance
- Zappos – 28,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – 50% off everything
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 40% off everything
- J.Crew Crewcuts – 40% off sitewide; extra 50% off sale styles
- Old Navy – 50-60% off; 50% off pants for the family
- Target – 20% off select clothing for all; up to 50% off home; up to 30% off select nursery furniture; up to 30% off kitchen & dining
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- The concept of “backup care” is so stupid…
- I need tips on managing employees in BigLaw who have to leave for daycare pickup…
- I’m thinking of leaning out to spend more time with my family – how can I find the perfect job for that?
- I’m now a SAHM and my husband needs to step up…
- How can I change my thinking to better recognize some of my husband’s contributions as important, like organizing the shed?
- What are your tips to having a good weekend with kids, especially with little kids? Do you have a set routine or plan?
Anonymous says
My kids are in elementary school. Last year, as school got harder, they started doing worse and worse in school (particularly for one, where an organized teacher went out on leave and there were just a series of subs after that, until lockdown started). I have a sibling with a learning disability and he had to go to a special school for that (it’s like dyslexia, but not quite that — something with auditory processing) before going back to regular high school and college with probably much better work habits than I had after lots of 1:1 attention. We had the kids tested (outside of school; school didn’t think that going from easy As to barely passing was a problem).
It turns out, there isn’t a specific learning problem, but ADD (no hyperactivity) and some ASD-1 (so kiddo doesn’t look at teachers, which you kind of need to do if they are showing you math, which is more visual). They were also very smart (not sure that is the right word) on the WIPSI kiddie IQ test (which was reassuring that they are capable of doing the work, but it is also really concerning how that is apparently wildly insufficient for doing third grade work).
Now we know that, but with lockdown this spring and now remote learning, it’s just a mess. I am having to watch their classes (which the teachers don’t like; I don’t blame them) and ask for clarification on what they are supposed to be doing and what assignments are due and then re-teaching at least all the math and helping with what I think is called “executive functioning” but is really just keeping on top of things (like air-traffic control but for school).
I think if private school were in the budget, that is what we should be doing instead, for smaller class sizes, more structure (I imagine parents writing checks to school would revolt if their kid didn’t have a dedicated teacher for the better part of a year), etc. Plus, private schools in our city are in-person and b/c of that now have massive wait lists, so this year just seems to be a dud for us.
In the meantime, other than re-teaching and monitoring and trying to have consistent and good work habits, is there anything else I can to help them in the short run? I hate that they are not getting what they need (and I work FT from home now, so I am struggling myself).
Anonanonanon says
If you’re re-teaching your kid anyway, have you considered homeschooling until schools return to normal? At least then you could do this on your own schedule.
Anonymous says
Focus less on you doing the work via monitoring and more setting out systems and expectations for them on how to do their own air traffic controlling. Like a checklist next to the laptop of things they have to ask the teacher each class like ‘What assignments are due for next class?’. They check off what they asked and you review the checklist after each class. Could you send the teacher an email each evening verifying where things are with assignments etc? If math specifically is an issue, and you are working full time, can you get a math tutor to work with them after school?
Honestly they sound a bit like me. I got by for a bit longer (my issues didn’t hit until high school) but the problem was I was ‘smart’ enough that I got by without learning study skills/organization skills at an earlier age. Elementary school is really about learning how to be a student, how to study and organize your work etc so as long as they are passing, I would focus more on how they are working and less on specific outcomes.
And mostly remember, we’re in a pandemic. It won’t be like this forever and nothing they are doing or not doing in the next year is determinative of their long term success.
Anonymous says
First I think you need to make sure you aren’t asking anything of teachers during a virtual lesson. Ever. You wouldn’t do it in school and if parents keep doing this, they’ll refuse to teach virtually at all. Set up a time to meet with the teacher. Talk about the challenges. Ask if assignments can be written down for your child. Tell the school about the evaluations and request a meeting with the child study team. And go easy on yourself! Obviously this is very important and feels very fraught but it is going to take time and that is ok.
Anonymous says
OP here — obviously not; if I have a Q, it is by e-mail and they are pretty responsive (e.g., kid 1 had some technical things in week 1 and got zeroes and all I got notified by the school’s bot was that there were a lot of missing assignments and we needed a way to find where to find assignments so that kiddo could have a list of what is due when and to let us know asap if there were technical issues). In the spring, it was just a shrug and hope that lockdown was for 2 weeks, so kid got into the habit of if the teachers don’t care really; we don’t ether. But this fall, they seem to mean business (and 7 hours of zoom school a day is IMO a bit much but maybe they will get to a happy medium before this is all over).
And I’m not sure that permanent home schooling is for us. Kids are very lonely at home and miss their friends. In my city, home schoolers tend to be a) very religious, b) kids who are doing extreme sports and need time to train/travel or do act, c) hippies who would probably give us the side-eye. I need to keep my job; kids need to get back to school (even if we eventually get decide private schools are ultimately what they need).
Anon says
If you are spending a lot of time sitting next to your kids during Zoom anyway, homeschooling might not be as far out there as you think. For one, you can homeschool on your own schedule so you can tailor it to match your work needs. Also with homeschooling, something that might take 1.5 hrs to cover in a classroom session can probably take much less time one on one. You can focus on what you think is important for your child to learn and have a ratio of free time vs. Computer time that you think serves your kid better. It also doesn’t have to be permanent. I think most school districts are allowing temporary homeschooling these days. I have a friend couple who both work big tech jobs and they have split up homeschooling duties for their two kids- they teach for a couple hours in the morning and the kids have free play/ independent time in the afternoon. . Having said all that, it’s definitely not for every temperament (I could never do it), but if you can see past homeschool stereotypes, it might be something that you could make work for your family.
Anonymous says
+1. I think “homeschooling” in the covid era looks very different than normal homeschooling. I know quite a few people who are homeschooling and just encouraging their kids to read books and play some educational computer/iPad games. I’m sure you could find some like-minded homeschoolers for socialization. I agree with you in normal times that homeschoolers skew extremely religious, but these are not normal times and lots of people who would otherwise never consider it are homeschooling.
Anonanonanon says
Yep. This is why I suggested it as well above. You’re basically already homeschooling, but on someone else’s timeline. Don’t do it forever if it’s not for you, but I’d consider it, because at least then you can work the lessons around your schedule.
Realist says
+1. We’re basically homeschooling with minimal daily support from our private school (a 1 hour Zoom session and 1 worksheet a day). So much easier to do it on my schedule. In the Before times, I would have never, ever considered homeschooling. Outschool or another online program could easily fill in the level of support we are getting from our school.
I do not view homeschooling as a permanent choice for our family. DH and I have also decided that it will be fine if our child repeats this grade level next year, which removes some of the potential anxiety of whether homeschooling will cause our child to fall behind. (For our particular situation, for a lot of reasons, repeating a grade could end up making sense for our child; but I know for a lot of kids and families that would be very disruptive and not a good option.) We’re more concerned with just getting everyone through 2020-21 than we are with going hardcore on academics right now. I’m not exactly happy homeschooling, but I am at peace that we have made the best choice out of all the possible, terrible options.
In many ways, everything right now is much harder with younger children, but in the lower elementary grades I think the homeschooling decision is easier. It is pretty easy to focus on the basics for reading and math and find your own opportunities to teach science, history, art, and other subjects, doing it all on your own schedule. Right now DH is helping child cook brownies (talking about measuring and chemistry as they go through the recipe), then they are going to do a handwriting worksheet, color, and then go outside to play before dinner. We make a weekly schedule and academic activities are about 90-120 minutes a day for a first grader. Our priorities and concerns would look a lot different if we were making a homeschooling decision for a senior in high school at home right now.
I think of it more as crisis schooling than homeschooling. This is not what I would otherwise choose for my child’s academics, my career, or my family. But it works for right now.
Anonymous says
I like the suggestions above of focusing on setting up organizational systems and tools. In the short term, if you have the budget, I would look for an “executive functioning” coach or an occupational therapist to consult on some strategies to help your kids. If you need more of a DIY at this point, check out understood.org, ADDitude magazine, and local and Facebook parent groups for twice exceptional kids.
In the long term, consider formally requesting an evaluation for an IEP or 504 plan from the school, if you haven’t already. It sounds like the school refused to do one before, which violates among other things the school’s child find obligations. I don’t have great faith in public schools to adequately address these needs, but it sounds like your children are entitled to services and accommodations that they are not getting.
Anonymous says
Request a special education evaluation in writing. The school must either do one or provide a written explanation for why they are not. What you are describing sounds exactly like executive functioning challenges and schools can provide support for that if your kids are eligible.
No Face says
This is the correct answer. It sounds like special services are in order. You pay taxes to support these services, and now you have these diagnoses it is time to use them. The earlier the interventions the better.
Take a look at your states’ education department website to learn more about the process. Look into special needs non-profits and parent support groups; many are having virtual trainings right now.
Good luck!
potato says
Are there any in person tutoring services in the area? Private school might not be an option but maybe a standing appointment at a Mathnasium would help (and be in budget). Good luck!
Anonymous says
Mathnasium follows its own curriculum, so I’m not sure I’d recommend it for OP. Her kid needs a tutor to focus on organizational skills and school assignments.
blueridge29 says
I would think a tutor could help for this, particularly if the lessons are online. If math is a problem area I think a tutor may be able to help both by reteaching the material or helping the student think through the problem. Math didn’t come naturally to me and having a tutor helped reinforce the material (or explain it in a different way) which made a huge difference.
Anon says
Does your state have an online charter school? If so, consider switching – they know how to help kids adjust to online learning (a friend is an advisor for an online school, and her whole job is to help kids stay focused, stay organized, stay on top of tasks, etc). The public schools who have shifted suddenly to online school are trying really hard, but they didn’t have the time or the expertise (or the budget…grr) to set up the infrastructure to help kids be successful online.
Nanny Share says
I’m sure this has been covered in depth on previous threads, but talk me through the logistics of a nanny share.
We were hoping to put my son in a small in-home daycare when I go back to work, but so far they are all full. Not surprised with covid, everyone has the same idea of less exposure.
There are some local nannies still available, and I found a woman in the neighborhood who will need part time care like us, but starting about 2 months later. We would both need care about half time.
Do we both go about searching for/interviewing nannies? How do we decide which house they go to? What about payment- do we each pay separately?
So much to consider..
Anonymous says
If you’re not using the same hours, just say that you are only looking to hire for MWF (or whatever) but you know neighbor is interested in hiring for T/TH and can you pass on their number. You might also find someone that already has a part-time position and is looking for a second part time position.
Anonanonanon says
I did it once a few years ago and honestly hated it. Of course, I have a full-time nanny right now and also hate that, so take my feedback fwiw.
One of the things I disliked about a nanny share was that it often felt like I had the worst of both worlds. I had the single point of childcare failure of a nanny, but would have to pack up my kid and his stuff and schlep him to the other house sometimes like daycare. However, during COVID, it might be nice to have the kid at someone else’s house! I’d love that right now!
Food became a weird thing in our arrangement. The person I shared with preferred it be at her house but also wanted me to send groceries over. It wasn’t irritating because of money, it was irritating because of the logistics of making sure I had enough food for home and for her house. Also, I wasn’t there, so how was I supposed to know if the peanut butter was almost gone? If you split up hosting, each should provide the food within reason.
For the search, I posted, we screened together, and we interviewed together. Our arrangement was under the table (college student who preferred that) so we paid separately every Friday.
Clementine says
Taking from this and the people I know who have had a better nanny share experience (note that I don’t have one but looked into it extensively at one point):
– Clear, simple lines were best. The people I know who have liked it best either did one week at one house, the next week at the other or M/W at one house and T/Th at the other (4 day a week share there).
– Basic assumptions like, ‘If it’s at my house, I provide food.’ should be clearly lined out.
– One key thing that made it work for these families is that they had similar attitudes about parenting/what the kids should be doing/what kind of food they should be eating.
Patricia Gardiner says
We are basically doing this (for the last 2 months… since our beloved daycare decided not to reopen), and so far it seems to be going really well! Both families needed full time, so that helped make it straightforward. We are alternating hosting weeks (with flexibility if one family is on vacation etc), and decided to just have the host family provide food (which the nanny prepares, makes suggestions for, etc). I think this is the best of both worlds for now, because the kids get to play with different toys and take different walks, and each family gets a week of quiet at home, then a week of the ease of not having to deal with transportation. I was worried since we had never planned on having a nanny, but it is working well and our kiddo loves having a friend to play with.
We each pay separately; we are paying over the table using a service that helps with taxes etc.
Good luck!
anon says
We did a nannyshare and hosted exclusively. We decided between the families the approximate cost of hosting, including diapers (so they didn’t have to be carried back and forth), wipes, food, etc. As hosts we got a small discount on our payments to the nanny, with the other family picking up a bit more. Both families were happy not to deal with lugging and storing stuff. We just upped our Amazon shipment for diapers and wipes to keep our house stocked.
As for backup care, both families in our share agreed that parents would take turns being backup if the nanny was out. The meant that each parent would be responsible for about 25% of any vacancy. We also had local grandparents on both sides who were eager to help, so it really became less than that in the end.
In pre-COVID times we also had a pretty loose sick policy, so we didn’t shut down the share if one of the kids had a cold. We decided that in most circumstances both kids were going to catch what the other had anyways because they spent 5 days a week together and were still in the chewing on toys stage, so we only kept kids home when really sick with a high fever or stomach issues. This was much easier to manage than a daycare sick policy, especially since the kids weren’t sick that often.
We interviewed our nanny together and wrote a joint nanny contract to set expectations. In the end, having a nanny share really felt like having an extended family who was available to help. We all got along and had similar expectations. If was fun to watch the kids go through milestones together and comforting to share woes of sleepless nights and difficult bosses.
Anonymous says
I think that’s actually a pretty typical daycare sick policy pre-covid. I’ve never heard of a daycare requiring kids to stay home for a cold, just fevers and vomiting. Hence why daycare kids get so many colds :)
rosie says
We did a nanny share, and it was great. Have very clear expectations with both the other family and the nanny. I cannot tell if you need the same half-time care, or if you are envisioning the nanny being with only one child at a time. We were in a full-time share with the nanny with both kids at all times, so that’s what my advice is most relevant to.
– We found the other family first, then we each vetted a few nanny candidates and interviewed them together.
– Pay separately, but the same rate. I recommend using the same nanny tax company as the other family if you are paying on the books, it just simplifies things. Keep in mind wage & hour laws (overtime for over 40 hrs, etc.)
– We split hosting duties by day of the week, e.g., M-W at one house, Th-F at the other. It’s convenient to host since you don’t have to take your kid anywhere, but it can be hard to work at home when two kids are over with a nanny, and your house will be messier. Splitting worked really well for us so that we had some days where if we were working from home, we could spread out on the dining room table rather than having to hide in the bedroom. Our nanny did kid laundry once a week on a day that we were hosting (and same for the other family).
– Have a written agreement with the nanny and with the other family (for us it was one document).
– Each family provided their own food, so I would pack a lunch and snacks to send over to the other house when we weren’t hosting. We were fine with the kids sharing items as kids do, but generally kids ate their own stuff. The exception was milk, once they were off bmilk/formula — the hosts provided milk for both, but it felt like it evened out since we shared hosting.
– We sent over diapers, extra clothes, sleep sacks for our own kid, and the nanny would tell us when we needed to restock.
Anon says
I don’t usually post on the moms site because I don’t have kids, but my best friend just had a baby and her experience with trying to exclusively breastfeed so far has made me reconsider a few things myself. I think I drank the Kool-Aid on “breast is best” and never bothered to look into it, but now that I’m watching my friend stress out about her milk not coming in and using the SNS system to supplement, I’ve done a little bit of research and have been surprised to learn that the evidence for exclusive breastfeeding in high-income countries is much weaker than I’d been led to believe. This is kind of a gamechanger for my own thinking about having kids because the thought of sacrificing my body and time to breastfeeding in a way that my partner cannot share equally was really unappealing. The idea that I could combo feed or formula feed without basically condemning my baby to a life of suffering is so much more appealing – I actually think that I could handle having kids now. This is probably totally old news to most of you but I wanted to share this thought with Internet strangers instead of my friend :) FWIW, she has adapted and is being so much less rigid about supplementing with formula than she expected – I think it helps to see the immediate impact on your baby who was losing too much weight and never sleeping well before.
Anonanonanon says
I highly recommend the book “Lactivism.” Very eye-opening read on this topic and will be interesting even if you do not have children.
Anon says
Thanks, I’ll check this out!!
AnonATL says
Had this problem with my now 7w old son. He’s my first baby, my supply hadn’t come in, and he lost too much weight. I had no clue all the crying was because he was starving. I kept putting him on the b*east because everyone told me oh they have such small stomachs and they will get the colostrum they need until your milk comes in.. um nope. When we went to our first ped appointment when he was like 5 days old, they told us he had lost too much weight and we needed to supplement. I felt so bad at first, like my body had failed him. We started doing on the boob + formula top off that day and haven’t stopped since. He gets all the benefits of milk plus he is actually full and happy now! My husband can take over a feed or two if needed because baby does so well on formula.
I am really happy for people who can EBF, but it doesn’t need to be EBF or EFF. There are lot of options in between. And you are so right about all the information out there about b-feeding. It can make you feel like that’s the only option and really crappy if it doesn’t work out for you.
Anon says
Good for you! Glad your child is thriving and you get the best of both options.
anon says
I was the exact same way before I was the one who had to breastfeed. I remember thinking a relative must not have tried very hard. Boy do I feel bad for that. My kid did not gain weight and when we went to mostly formula it was a game changer in terms of sleep, weight gain and generally being a way happier baby (and mom). I managed to feed her some breast milk through pumping for about 4 months but was also super happy to give that up. It is not easy for a lot of us, and no manner of consultants, lactation cookies, etc can overcome being totally sleep deprived and trying to make something work at all costs. I really think it messed with my mental health seeing all the breastfeeding glorification on social media and then feeling like a loser. I am so glad those days are way behind me, my kid is happy, healthy, and a great eater as a older toddler.
Anon says
I was the same! I thought it’d be easy because it was for my mom and sister. But I couldn’t produce enough milk. And my husband and I still look back on the first few months on our first kid’s life as terrible. I was nursing and pumping constantly to “increase production” while he was supplementing. We finally went to a lactation doctor (not an LC. We had bad experiences with LCs) and she was like “you cannot make enough milk. It’s fine. I was formula fed and I am a doctor.” It helped a lot.
With my second, we supplemented from the beginning and it was so much better!
Anonymous says
My life mantra was basically to avoid zealots and extremists. Then I became a parent and OMG that has never been more the way to go. Boob is great. Other things are not child abuse. That alone would get me run out of some circles.
CPA Lady says
Yeah, it’s weird how it’s def a liquid that a baby drinks for a handful of months before starting solids that makes the children of well educated, healthy, well resourced, predominately white women turn out healthier and better educated, etc. than the kids of other moms.
It’s almost like it’s easier to blame and shame individual women’s choices than it is to address massive societal inequalities.
Pogo says
thisssss
Anon says
Preach!!
Anon says
+ 1,000,000
Walnut says
YES!! THIS!! ALL DAY LONG.
And also, fed is best.
Anon says
So, I combo fed and am a huge proponent of it. You’re absolutely right that the benefits of breastfeeding are not that well proven, and the presence of breastmilk matters much more than the absence of formula.
That said, this sentence (“ This is kind of a gamechanger for my own thinking about having kids because the thought of sacrificing my body and time to breastfeeding in a way that my partner cannot share equally was really unappealing”) gives me a lot of pause. Even if you choose not to breastfeed and have the most wonderful spouse in the world, a biological mother sacrifices her body and time in a way that a non-bio parent can’t possibly share. I don’t know many men who are as hands-on as my husband (he took almost a year of paternity leave to be our daughter’s caregiver), but I’m still the one who was pregnant for 9 months and emerged with stretchmarks, a billion cavities, an autoimmune disease that was activated by pregnancy, intense migraines and a brain that had (still has, really) trouble focusing on anything except my kid. Many moms also experience prenatal or postpartum depression, anxiety and other mental changes. And on the time front, a glimpse at this s*te will tell you that even women with really involved partners do the vast majority of the “emotional labor” of parenting. To be clear, I adore my child and have no regrets about having one. But I think it’s really misguided to get pregnant expecting you won’t sacrifice your body or time. You will. Exclusively formula feeding (which I fully support if that’s what you want) is just one tiny piece of a much larger puzzle.
Anonymous says
THIS. There’s a big myth out there that formula feeding magically relieves stress from mothers and gives them tons of extra sleep. It can, a bit, for some families. But you’re still a mom. Becoming one will drastically transform you – physically (whether you give birth to that baby or not, being a mom is physically hard), mentally (your brain literally changes for forever), emotionally.
Anon says
Oh yeah, I completely understand that and it’s a huge factor in my decision making due to some health concerns I have. My point was more about the specific burden related to BFing – hearing my best friend talk about how the baby was on the boob for eight hours a day for very little results and how she basically couldn’t sleep at all while her partner was able to sleep for long stretches sounded a lot more unequal than formula would be (but I still hope she can make some BFing work since it’s what she wants). I also have a specific aversion to the thought of trying to pump at work. I 100% think that moms should be supported in whatever they choose, including pumping, but from what I’ve seen from coworkers and other friends, it’s just not for me. In my last few days of research, I’ve seen a lot of really positive stories about how women felt that their partners were able to be so much more involved in feeding once formula was introduced and that sounds like a better fit for us.
Anonymous says
But that’s about her relationship not BF. My DH never slept more than 3 hours in a stretch during the first two weeks baby was home. Whenever I had to nurse, he got up and changed baby’s diaper or if it was daytime, he was literally spooning food into my mouth so I could hand him baby to change and go take a nap as soon as I was done. EBF does not mean you are up all night while your DH sleeps. That’s a decision the couple makes. And if she’s nursing for 8 hours straight, she needs to see an LC, that sounds like something is wrong.
Anon says
Yup, my DH was up at every night feeding as well. This sounds like a relationship problem.
Also, I’d point out that breastfeeding comes very easily to a lot of women. I used formula in the beginning because my milk didn’t come in for a while and my baby was starving, but once my milk came in breastfeeding was incredibly easy, painless, free and way more convenient than formula. It’s fine to give yourself permission not to breastfeed, but there’s no reason to swear it off when it may come very easily to you.
Anon says
Well, she says that her husband has been great – getting up, helping get the SNS set up, etc., but that she feels really tired and wishes “he had the boobs.” I’m taking her at her word. And yeah, she did see a lactation consultant (that’s how she got the SNS) and she said it was SO helpful and non-judgemental, which I was so glad to hear. I was relieved since she lives in a small town without a ton of options and apparently the one lactation consultant around is a good one.
Anon says
If he’s getting up and helping her while she’s trying to feed overnight m, then there’s no way he’s sleeping long stretches. You can take her at her word, but one of those two statements has to be false.
(Also no one wants to admit to their friends their husband s*cks. My best friend’s husband is the laziest son of a you know what I’ve ever met, and she gushes about how supportive he is. Very few people will cop to marrying the wrong guy, at least not until they’re ready to start seeing divorce lawyers.)
Anon says
Yeah, I guess I’m not sure if the issue is more about the time that it’s taking or the overall stress she’s feeling as the “sole provider” of nutrition, the nipple pain, etc. I didn’t want to ask a ton of questions about her husband’s involvement or imply that he wasn’t a good partner (since they have, in fact, had some issues in the past re: division of household labor…). Either way, I’m just glad that she perceives him to be pulling his weight, even though she’s feeling a lot of pressure to be nursing exclusively from most people. Again, I’m so relieved the lactation consultant recommended supplementing and was non-judgemental since I think she really needed that.
SC says
My husband was fine while Baby was a newborn and I was nursing. We had a fair division of labor. But it’s a lot of work to feed another human. It’s hard on your body. It hurts your nipples. It requires a lot of calories. There are a lot of hormones involved with pregnancy and post partem and breast feeding, and a lot of emotions, sometimes conflicting ones.
My husband pulled his weight when we had a newborn. I still wish he had the nipples.
Also, +1 to seeing a lactation consultant. I spent the first 5 days nursing around the clock. Our lactation consultant really, really helped, and we were able to get into a more normal schedule.
AnonATL says
That’s a good point. I had a really uneventful pregnancy. No morning sickness or physical issues for me. I exercised the whole pregnancy and really didn’t have much discomfort. The scariest thing was my son’s heart skipping a few beats on the Doppler which went away by the next appointment, but I still went to a perinatologist to get it checked out.
I had a fairly uneventful delivery, but ended up with a third degree tear and episiotomy. For weeks I couldn’t get out of bed or off the sofa without pain and don’t get me started on going #2 when I stopped the stool softeners. I still healed faster than most people with the type of damage I had.
On top of all that, having a newborn is really really hard. My life literally revolves around him while I’m on leave. I am in a never ending Groundhog Day 3 hour cycle of eat, play, sleep. My husband is wfh now after a month of paternity leave, and he helps where he can, but it’s like 99% me all day. It’s tough and how he gets fed is only a tiny part of what makes it tough.
AnonATL says
I should add, I never knew how hard it would be to get a tiny human to sleep before he arrived. That’s probably the hardest part of my day. Luckily he’s an ok night sleeper now.
You think adult human is tired, we lay down and rest. It’s easy.
But oh no… Tiny human must go through a very specific routine with a 50% success rate to sleep maybe an hour before screaming again. I spend more time getting him to sleep independently sometimes than he actually sleeps.
Clementine says
I’m the rare mom who has 100% breast fed and 100% formula fed – both with no guilt. In my case it’s because I’m a foster mom and wasn’t allowed to BF the foster babies even if I had wanted to.
You know what. All the kids are great. In fact, my formula fed babies have always slept WAYYY better than my BF baby.
Something I noticed is that when I was younger, a lot of the young parents I knew didn’t really love parenting. A lot of it was a slog and they felt like they were missing out on ‘better things’. I’ve noticed that more parents who actively chose to have kids later seem to really enjoy it. Like, these kids didn’t ‘ruin their lives’, it’s more like, ‘Hey! I had a cool life and now I have kids and it’s different but also cool!’
Anonymous says
I mean…you don’t have children and you aren’t pregnant. So you really don’t have any skin in the game and I hate to be this person but until you breastfeed you’re own baby you don’t really know what you’re talking about. Your friend may be completely informed of her choices and may look back and be glad she did what she did. Most moms on this board are very realistic about not driving themselves crazy to EBF.
Breastfeeding also isn’t also just about perfect health for mom baby. There’s a lot of emotional aspects of it.
Signed – working mom who combo fed one baby and EBFed another.
Anon says
I’m sure you also thought about what would be best for your family and what parenting might look like BEFORE having kids yourself.
Anonymous says
Yes but I didn’t try to educate other mothers who actually had children about their choices in Feeding their babies. Because they had actually fed their babies.
Anon says
I think you’re projecting and trying to ruin an interesting discussion.
OP, I breastfed for four months with some supplementation in the early days, but it worked out better to switch to formula when I went back to work. My husband completely supported my choice. It makes sense to think about your preferences now, but do be aware that a lot is out of your control and your needs/desires may change. Being flexible worked great for me and I have no regrets.
Lyssa says
Where on earth did you get the idea that she was trying to educate us? She was sharing a thought process that she found interesting, and she specifically acknowledged that she was aware that we were probably already familiar with this sort of thing. I don’t understand why people want to read posts in bad faith.
Thank you for posting, OP. I personally am always really interested in hearing how other people think through things. FWIW, I nursed both my kids for around 6-8 weeks, with some formula supplementation, and then switched to formula feeding before I went back to work. They are extremely healthy and smart at 5 and 7 years old, and I wouldn’t change a thing.
Anon says
Yeah why can’t someone who is not a mom yet have a stake in this issue? Stop trying to push her out. I applaud her trying to understand these issues.
Anon says
+1 you really can’t know what you’ll want to do until you have a baby. There are a lot of hormones and other things you can’t control involved. I was 100% committed to not pumping at work and switching to formula before I went back, but when the time cane I just couldn’t do it.
Anonymous says
I combo fed my twins but honestly it was so much easier to EBF my singleton. I BF’d because it was easy. Most morning, DH got up with the baby, changed diaper, brought me baby to nurse and then baby and I coslept for another couple hours. Having to go anywhere was so much easier. Just threw some diapers and wipes and an extra sleeper in my purse. So much more logistics when bringing water and formula to mix. I really liked nursing but it’s much more socially acceptable to vent about how hard it is. Somehow if I say I love nursing it’s taken as a judgment on women who didn’t.
At night, I learned to nurse sidelying so I barely had to wake up to nurse. DH brought me the baby, I nursed, sometimes he changed baby and I nursed again, then he settled baby back to sleep. Would have woken up me up way more to listen baby cry while he heated a bottle. DH got up F/S/S nights once he went back to work. I got up M/T/W/TH nights when I was on maternity leave and we split it equally when I went back to work.
Anon says
That’s great breastfeeding was easy for you, but for some moms it is anything but. I have scars on my nipples from breastfeeding and endured a lot of pain and stressful medical appointments that got me nowhere to try to exclusively breastfeed.
Anonymous says
“Somehow if I say I love nursing it’s taken as a judgment on women who didn’t.”
Anon says
Yes, exactly. I have nothing against formula and used some myself, but I hate that women are no longer allowed to say they enjoyed nursing without someone telling them they’re making other women feel bad. Saying you exclusively breastfed and are happy about it, or saying you enjoyed nursing is in no way shaming or judging other moms.
Anon says
Do you recognize that women who “vent” about breastfeeding aren’t just doing it because it’s “more socially acceptable?” They are doing it because it’s a truly painful experience that also makes them feel like a failure. If your comment had one shred of empathy for women who struggle with this issue, I wouldn’t feel the need to respond, but it doesn’t.
Anon says
Literally no one in this thread has said anything negative about formula feeding or combo feeding. Saying you enjoyed something does not imply you don’t have empathy for others who didn’t. Her post was in response to a woman who has never been pregnant saying that she’s not going to breastfeed. “Don’t write it off before you try it” is very useful and compassionate advice that doesn’t denigrate women who tried and didn’t succeed or weren’t interested in trying once they actually had a baby. You’re the one making a drama out of this.
Anon says
The dominant cultural narrative right now among wealthy educated women is that “breast is best.” Women are already celebrated for enjoying breastfeeding. They don’t need another pat in the back of it’s actually easy for them. It’s the women who feel like failures right out of the gate that need support and acknowledgement.
Anon says
She wasn’t asking for a pat on the back. You attacked her for sharing her experience. Asking to not be attacked is very different than asking for a pat on the back.
Anon says
“don’t write it off until you try it” actually is very judgmental, there is nothing wrong with deciding that you have no desire to BF. Women who chose to breastfeed are applauded for it – what do you think “breast is best” means?
Anon says
It’s clear that not being able to breastfeed was traumatic for you and I’m sorry. I hope you’re working through it in therapy. It’s cruel to call someone unkind or unempathetic for saying they’re proud or happy about their breastfeeding experience. Breastfeeding vs combo vs formula is just the first of a million decisions you make as a parent. No two people will choose the exact same path and sharing pride or joy in a decision you made is not a criticism of other women you made a different decision. If you take it as a judgment on women you made a different choice that’s on you, and, again, something you should work through in therapy.
Anonymous says
In my (educated, affluent) circles there’s FAR more shaming of women who are committed to EBFing than there is shaming of women who use formula. I’d say 80-90% of the people I know used some formula and the few who didn’t were constantly questioned about why and told it would make their lives easier, let them get more sleep, and make their husbands better dads. Nobody questioned the moms who supplemented or fed exclusively formula from the get go. “Breast is best” is a phrase, sure, but there are a lot of phrases out there. I’ve never actually heard anyone say this phrase. I did not EBF, fwiw, so this is not about me feeling personally attacked.
Ann says
Sorry, telling someone they need therapy the way you just did is very condescending. Get off your high horse. Your attack is just as bad, if not worse. She just wants acknowledgment that not everyone finds breastfeeding easy. Why is that so terrible?
Anon says
You proved her point – people can’t say they loved nursing without others saying “yah but what about this…” I loved nursing and I am very much looking forward to EBF baby #3.
Anon says
It’s called having empathy for other women and recognizing that your personal experience is not universal.
Anon says
There are hurtful ways to talk about things, and there are kind/neutral ways. To simply say you nursed your children and are very happy with it is not an attack on other people. Why are you trying to shut down a woman sharing her own experience?
Anon says
Read Push Back: Guilt in the Age of Natural Parenting, written by a Harvard-educated OBGYN who shows how skewed a lot of our perspectives on motherhood, breastfeeding and birthing are. Some movements and practices we accept as the gold standard actually have very backward roots and are not “evidence based” as you would assume and are destructive to some women who can’t live up to the exacting standards.
Anon says
Thank you!! I’ll check this out. I’m excited to read this and Lactivism.
Pogo says
I remember first hearing about those studies on this site, and also reading the stories of many women (including Kat in her birth story) whose milk didn’t come right away and their LO had jaundice, low blood sugar, dehydration etc in those first few days. I knew this with my first and STILL was reluctant to supplement, though we ultimately did and my son eventually got back to his birth weight over a month out.
With my second, I asked for a bottle of formula at the hospital around the 24h mark when his blood sugar still wasn’t coming back up. I brought my own just in case they didn’t have it/wouldn’t give it to me, but the nurse put in the order and we got a “prescription” for it from the ped due to his low blood sugar. In total, he got about 3.5oz of formula in the first week of his life – such a tiny amount in the grand scheme but such a BIG difference in his health and mine. Unlike my first, he was back up to birth weight by just one week – and while I’m sure a big part of that is the fact he was my second and my body knew what to do, I also think being better rested and less stressed about his weight helped as well.
Fwiw I love b-feeding and did it past the 1-yr mark with my first. But the all or nothing messaging (which seemed to be all I heard, other than on this site) can really mess with your brain.
Anonymous says
Similar to this– my baby was small for gestational age and had to get regular blood sugar testing as a result. When she was a few hours old, it dropped too low so they told me we could either give her formula to see if that got it up, or she’d have to go to the NICU to receive supplements via IV. That was an easy decision and my husband gave her a bottle of formula before I ever held her (due to my own recovery/ state, not that I wasn’t offered!)
We combo fed for a while, but my supply never really increased and we switched to fully formula (with the blessing of her pediatrician and a pediatrician family member) around 6 weeks. When I hear about other people struggling with the decision, I’m *almost* grateful I felt like the decision was made for me. Is that maybe part of the reason my supply didn’t come in? Maybe, but I’m glad it was an option at the time. (Also, for anyone who struggled with SNS, which I did, ask a lactation consultant about paced bottle feeding, which worked better for us)
CPA Lady says
And BF related stuff aside, I will say that I thought I didn’t want to have kid(s) for a long time and the book that led me to decide to get pregnant was Bringing Up Bebe (gist of it is an American woman lives in Paris, has a kid there and talks about the differences she sees in american parenting culture and french parenting culture). The main point of my experience with that book, which it sounds like what you’re experiencing here with your epiphany re: EBFing, was that the current super intense american way of parenting is not the be all, end all, only possible option. The reason I didn’t want to have a kid had nothing to do with actually whether or not I wanted to become a mother, it was a lot more related to how terribly I thought I would do with the intense expectations placed on mothers at the current cultural moment.
So I had the kid and it turns out that I used some of the methods used in Bringing Up Bebe, and I ended up doing more intense American style parenting in other areas. Both have their pros and cons, and the whole parenting thing is a lot of flexibility and trial and error based on your situation and your kid’s personality. I expected EBFing to be terrible and planned to switch to formula by the time I went back to work, but ended up liking nursing so I kept on for a lot longer than I expected to. There’s a lot you don’t know how it’ll go until you do it. But there is not One True Way to parent (despite what some people would have you believe) and you will find what works for you over time if you do decide to have kids. :)
Anon says
I thought the Bringing Up Bebe author was so annoying and smug, ha. But I fully agree with you, no one right way to parent and can definitely make your own path. I would just say that even if you choose all the more “hands off” options (like formula, sleep-training, prepared foods etc.) parenting is still an enormous investment of time and energy and does require sacrifices.
Anon says
Thanks CPA Lady – that’s helpful. I think the Bringing Up Bebe approach (I’m familiar with it) sounds like a natural fit for what my husband and I want. We can both see a lot of benefits from having kids and are ready for the inherent sacrifices that bringing another human into this world entails, but the “perfection is a must” American-style approach (my husband is not American) makes it sound way too hard. I know that there will be challenges I can’t predict, but I think planning for the major decisions (like feeding, daycare v. nanny, etc.), will help me sort out questions of timing and how to manage my own health conditions at the same time. It’s a bit more on hold now due to COVID anyway, but it’s been at the forefront of my mind since the birth of my friend’s baby and the conversations we’ve had.
Anonymous says
I have 3 kids. For the first, i was a working mom who travelled often. I did the whole shebang: pumped on planes, shipped my milk back in dry ice, pumped round the clock not to lose supply. At 8 months, I just couldn’t keep up anymore so started to supplement with formula. When I was around baby, she was nursed. Otherwise- formula. If baby was not around and I needed to pump, I saved the milk if convenient.
For my second two, that was my strategy. Nurse while around baby, supplement when not.
All 3 are happy healthy kids at 4, 7 and 9.
Anon says
That which is more onerous and sacrificial for a mother is not necessarily worth it (in a cost-benefit sense), or even necessarily any better.
We have this idea that you can’t be a good parent unless you’re miserable. It means that women who don’t want to be miserable don’t have kids or as many kids as they otherwise would have, and women who are conditioned to be miserable for their families are not happy with parenting.
layered bob says
+1 to your last sentence. It makes me sad when I hear women say, “I’d like to have more children but I just don’t think we can handle it” when they’ve either chosen or felt forced into a very intensive or sacrificial approach to parenting. I have more children (3, plus sometimes a foster kiddo in a respite placement) than most people in my socioeconomic/work/neighborhood circles and I LOVE it and would have more if/when we could.
But I don’t play with my kids. I don’t supervise them very closely at the playground or keep them from climbing on things in the house. They don’t (yet) participate in any activities that I am not also interested in doing. I didn’t ever make baby food, I don’t do more than cake + balloons for birthday parties, I don’t have a Pinterest account, and I do have a housekeeper.
That said, there are some things that I found, for me, to actually be the easier approach even though many people *don’t* find them easier – e.g. low-intervention childbirth, EBF, cloth diapers, BLW, no sleep training, early potty training, and very limited screen time.
Anon says
This is the dream!! I love nothing more than seeing a bunch of kids playing together unsupervised and having the time of their lives (and I love my own memories of those days too).
Anon says
I’m not saying parents have to play with their kids to be good parents, but some of us want to. When people say “I can’t handle another kid” I think they often mean “I can’t handle another kid and be the kind of parent I want to be to my exisisting kid(s).” That doesn’t make them miserable, it may just mean that they know their limits.
Also, fwiw, I didn’t make my own baby food, I don’t have Pinterest or plan elaborate events, I have a cleaning service, I don’t supervise my kid super closely (I barely baby-proofed my house) and I’m still confident that one kid is what I can handle and remain a happy and well-adjusted mom and person. I think people have very different thresholds for what’s overwhelming, and as an introvert I need time to myself in a way many other people don’t. In addition to your personality, your threshold for what overwhelms you also depends on external factors like how many hours you work and how much local family support you have. If our salaries were double what they are or we had local grandparents, I think there’s a decent chance I would have had another kid. But I don’t, so I didn’t. I don’t think acknowledging the realities of what you actually have and make your family planning decisions based on that framework is bad.
Anon says
This comment by layered Bob is so annoying. I have two kids that barely sleep and yes I wanted to not sleep train and don’t think I’ve done it well but after 3.5 years of not sleeping and the intense physical work of a 3 year and 1 year old, no I will not be having more kids. I think there are perfectly valid reasons when people have two kids and say they cannot handle more. It’s such a reasonable statement to Make. Also if your kids are in daycare Monday thru Friday, having no screen time is not a prize to pat yourself on the back for.
Anonymous says
All of this. Kids are hard work. Not being able to handle another one isn’t some kind of failure and it doesn’t mean you’re an unhappy pinterest mom.
layered bob says
coming back to this after I finally finished work so too late to be seen, but – sorry, didn’t meant to be annoying! I’m trying to say that I agree with other posters here that sometimes things (like EBF) are pushed as “best” when aren’t always best, that there are, in some circles/subcultures, social pressure to do things the hard way even when that’s not necessarily the best/only way, and that it is good when people find ways to do things that they want to do (like parenting) in a way that meets the needs of children while honoring their own needs.
statistically most American women say they’d like to have more children than they actually have. Of course the reasons for that are many, but I do think that part of it is that we’ve (collectively) backed ourselves into a corner as far as what kind of parenting we have to do/think that we have to do. No one should have more children if they don’t want them, but even in this thread there’s women saying, I’d like to have had more kids but for various reasons we couldn’t. But wouldn’t it be nicer if you *could* have had what you *wanted*? And for some women (not all! probably not even most!) they would feel like they could have the number of kids they wanted if they also felt like their parenting could be less burdensome.
I could not handle three+ kids and I would not enjoy motherhood if I held myself to the more intensive parenting style that is common in our neighborhood. So I’m glad that as I was becoming a parent, there were alternate models of motherhood available to me, and I’m glad that many women on this thread found ways to make parenthood doable for them, whether that was by combo feeding or whatever.
Also my kids aren’t in daycare, and being screen free isn’t a prize – I’m saying, I’ve found that no screen time is *easier* than offering screen time, for me/for them, in terms of their behavior/self-regulation. One of my kids is also neurodivergent, so my experience with her is probably different than a more neurotypical kid.
But I do think that what people find to be “easier” is sometimes surprising, and often comes down to your individual preferences (e.g. I hate changing diapers and everything to do with diapers but will happily empty tiny potties and coach peeing every 30 minutes for weeks on end, so potty training early is easier for me than waiting. If someone has the opposite preference, then potty training early is not easier and they shouldn’t do it.)
Anon says
I think there are some pretty big generalizations here. I’m guessing that many of the women in the surveys saying they want more kids are SAHMs and finances or husband’s willingness to have more are limiting factors? None of the professional women I know are engaged in the kind of performative parenting that you describe, and the reasons they give for stopping at the number of kids they currently have (typically two, but sometimes one or three) are some combination of 1) the hit to their career that each additional kid brings, 2) health/not enjoying pregnancy, 3) not wanting to take additional time away from themselves, friends or their spouse and 4) finances (these are affluent people so obviously it’s not about being able to feed and clothe more kids, but more along the lines of they would need a lot of evening and weekend help if they had another and that would be cost prohibitive. Or needing a bigger house in a VHCOL area, etc.). None of these issues are easily solved by getting off Pinterest or not keeping a close eye on your kids while they run around a playground.
EB0220 says
This is so interesting! Before I had kids I did not really intend to breastfeed but got caught up in the hype once my eldest was born. I ended up combo feeding starting around 4 months and then switching totally to formula around 9 months. On the other hand I breastfed my youngest for 14 months with no formula at all. I felt bad about the formula at the time but 6-8 years later they’re both totally 100% great. It’s such a short period of time in the grand scheme of things.
Cb says
Following on from our discussion about play yesterday, I listed to an interview with Joanna Fortune (Motherkind podcast) about play and found it really helpful. It stressed that 15 minutes of play can make a profound difference and she offered ideas for play that might come more naturally for some parents.
Realist says
Thanks for this. We do 10-15 minutes of imaginary play a day and my child gets stuck on the same game for months. Looking for new ideas without wrestling control of the play away from my child.
AIMS says
Does anyone know where I can just buy those little plastic things that come on masks for kids to make the ear bits tighter? My favorite masks for my kids all come with these little plastic bits but they get lost easily and I’d like to buy more to have extras but can’t even figure what to search for.
Clementine says
These?
https://www.amazon.com/pl%C3%A1stico-Toggle-primavera-Detener-Cerraduras/dp/B07214Q46P/ref=asc_df_B07214Q46P/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=216865330700&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=8018750484028700283&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9004664&hvtargid=pla-354939881950&psc=1#ace-6796040015
Anonymous says
Search etsy for cord adjuster. But you can also just tie a knot in the elastic.
Anonymous says
Cord stops.
anon in Boston says
Can anyone recommend an OB-GYN in Boston? I live in the North End, so both MGH and Tufts are close by. This is my first pregnancy, so I’m really flying blind. Thanks!
Anon says
100% Tufts. Maybe MGH is great if you have a straightforward pregnancy, but I had a miscarriage while a patient there and they were horrible. Uncommunicative, zero compassion, and a regular wait times of over an hour just for bloodwork. I actually discovered that my hCG levels were dropping when I heard a nurse yell it down the hallway to another nurse, followed by “Send her home, we won’t examine her.” I’ve since had two children at Tufts and have nothing but good things to say. I saw Megan Evans for 1½ pregnancies and Laura Baecher-Lind for my end of my second when Dr. Evans went out on maternity leave herself. Dr. Baecher-Lind actually saved my son’s life during an unexpected delivery complication but she was so amazing that I had no idea how serious it was until it was over. Both doctors are phenomenal.
Anonymous says
Do you have a gyn you like? I always like having a rapport with my doctor so I saw no reason to switch doctors just because I got pregnant.
So Anon says
I really loved the midwife practice based out of Mt Auburn Hospital. They have practices closer to the North End, but I loved the care and attention from the practice.
Redux says
I also saw the midwife practice at Mt. Auburn and had one fabulous midwife and one who made me cry. I’ll say more about my one traumatic experience there, but it was definitely provider-specific, and not a mark against the whole practice, which I saw for two pregnancies and one birth. I really liked how the midwife and OB practice were integrated, as I was interested in an unmedicated birth only up to the point that it was safe and desirable– I wanted support for my unmedicated goals without taking any options off the table. And that is exactly what I got. Overall, I was really happy with the practice and would recommend. They have a “meet the midwives” night which was nice to see them all together and hear from them as a group, rather than having to set up separate meet and greets with individual providers.
trauma warning: miscarriage
I was at an office visit and did not know I was having a miscarriage. The midwife inserted the speculum and then took it out and showed it to me, covered in blood and said “well, that’s a lot of blood.” Which was obviously a horrible way to tell someone she is having a miscarriage. When I got pregnant a second time, I continued to be seen at that practice, but requested that midwife not be my provider. They rotate midwives, so it wasn’t possible to ensure that she wasn’t the one who ultimately delivered my baby, but they did let me select-out for the routine care– they were really understanding as to why that was traumatic for me and a source of anxiety.
Overall it was an excellent experience, and I recommend it.
GCA says
Responding late, but I also had a good experience with the Mt Auburn midwife practice both times (two uncomplicated pregnancies + epidurals + v-births), at least in terms of bedside manner, attention to care, and in L&D.
Anonymous says
Thanks for the great pick today, April! We already have car tracks like this and they are a huge hit. Plus my youngest is in the dinosaurs phase, so this is a slam dunk Christmas gift suggestion.
Anonanonanon says
Has anyone else noticed LinkedIn going the way of fbook? It seems increasingly political, religious stuff, “watch these cops do a nice thing” videos, etc. Maybe because my field is sort of first responder-adjacent so I have accidentally ended up with quite a few first responder/veteran contacts that I don’t think I’ve ever actually met on there, but a lot of weird right-wing content that has nothing to do with work is showing up on my feed. Obviously I’m removing these connections as I go, but it’s annoying that people can’t keep stuff to their personal fbooks.
Anonymous says
I don’t notice anything political, but I definitely see much more personal as opposed to professional type posts.
Paging Boston Legal Eagle says
For Boston Legal Eagle re: post about behavior, perfectionism and overreacting yesterday. My four year old sounds like yours – wants to do things perfectly the first time and then completely loses it when his performance isn’t up to his standards. I found the tactics in “The Yes Brain” by Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson to be very helpful. We (my son and I) have an ongoing about what it is like to be in “the green zone” and how to pause and observe ourselves when we are in “the red zone”. We talk about how “red zone reactions” are automatic, not something we choose and perfectly normal. He has volunteered that it doesn’t feel good to be in the red zone, so we have worked on breathing techniques, taking a pause, and other tactics recommended in the book for taking back control. Once he’s back in semi-rational territory, he usually gives himself a pat on the back for calming down and is buoyed enough to try again. That said, he’s still four and far from managing his emotions every time. We are all a work in progress :)
TL;DR – I highly recommend “The Yes Brain” for dealing with this issue.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Thank you! And thanks to everyone for chiming in yesterday. We were talking about things we can do to calm our bodies down this morning in the car, like take big breaths or gives ourselves a hug so I know he’s got it when he’s calm. I see so much of myself in him, even at this young age, so it’s often hard to be the parent there!
So Anon says
My kids are in a hybrid model with a few days in person per week. We had “back to school” night via zoom last night. My daughter’s second grade teacher emphasized the importance of the at-home days, and doing all the work that they send home. She stated that the work should be about 2 hours, but that kids shouldn’t stay on any one area for more than 20 minutes or so, with lots of movement breaks. The work is designed to not be done on electronics, and there is no teacher involvement on at-home days. She went over the importance of a schedule and to reach out if our kids were resistant to learning – that the school principal and guidance counselor are available to help families develop a schedule that works for them. The whole point was that our kids HAVE to do the at-home learning to maximize learning growth this year.
I don’t think the other parents could see (thank you, baseball cap and glasses), but I started crying during the meeting. I felt/feel entirely overwhelmed. It felt like back to spring, where it is entirely on parents to facilitate learning while our kids are at home, which did not go well. I cannot facilitate this number of transitions during the day and do my job. UGH.
Anonymous says
I’m sorry, that sounds so hard. Could you see if other parents are open to a pod arrangement for the at-home days? If you can’t come up with any kind of pod, I would reach out as the teacher suggested and explain your situation and that you can’t closely supervise on the at-home days and your daughter will just get done what she can do with minimal supervision. I’m sure you’re not the only parent in that situation.
Anon says
I get why this was hard to hear, but no teacher is going to say “Oh yeah the work I send home is totally not important.” Of course they’re going to say it’s super important! But that doesn’t mean there will be disastrous consequences if your daughter doesn’t get it all done. If she’s having school in person even a couple days a week, this should be a vastly different experience than the spring. I would just do your best with the home days and try not to worry too much. Easier said than done, I know.
Anon says
Oh man. Do what you can, as you can. Second grade isn’t going to make or break a kid, and the “home work” for hybrid schooling especially isn’t going to make a big difference. Also – just because the teachers suggest lots of breaks, doesn’t mean you have to do that. If your kid can sit for 2 hours and finish the work, I give you permission to let them. If they need to do half an hour and then play hair salon apps (WHY?!!!) and then eat lunch and then do half an hour, play outside the rest of the afternoon and you finish the rest after dinner, I give you permission to do that too. Anything teachers say about schooling at home is more like guidelines than actual rules, in the infamous words of the Captain Barbossa. Remember that they are winging this, you are winging this, it’s untested and nobody has any advanced education on “pandemic schooling.”
Anon says
I’m in a similar spot. On our asynchronous days, assignments are posted at 9 AM and have to be completed by 2 PM or the student will be marked as absent. This past Monday I worked 1:1 with my 7 to to get the assignments done and it took every second of the 5 hours. There is a very low chance she can do any of the assignments without help given our district’s lousy tech and a zero chance she’ll get everything done in the 9-2 window without constant support. It’s total nonsense and puts parents in an impossible situation. Our county has already refused requests to post assignments early or to otherwise lengthen the window to do the work.
Anon says
To finish my thought, our school’s attendance based policy is bad enough that my husband is taking off of work on Monday to help our 7 yo get the work done by 2 PM. This will get us through one week, but we’re writing to the superintendent and school board to request a policy change. The next option is a law suit. It’s insane (and discriminatory) to mark a 7 yo absent for not completing their work in a short time window with no buffer.
Patricia Gardiner says
I’m sorry, that sounds insane. Does your district have a lot of SAH parents? How can they expect constant parental help from 9-2?!?
Spirograph says
All the empathy from me. My 2nd grader is still fully virtual, hopefully going back into the classroom in a few weeks, but I’m the only parent home and I can’t engage enough to keep him on task. I’ve had solid days of meetings the last few days, and he just abandons his school work and goes outside to play. The teachers label some things “priority assignments” so I’ve been focusing on those when I have time, and otherwise I’m just trying to let it go. It is so. hard. I feel like I’m failing at work, failing at school, and thereby failing my kid. The logical part of my brain knows that he’s 7, and playing outside with friends is a totally acceptable and beneficial (although not academically) way to spend his time, but I’m a rule-follower and an academic achiever myself and it I hate that I’m stuck in this situation.
But that’s it, really. We’re all stuck. No one chose this. No one said, “hey, you know what would be great? making parents take on a huge school and childcare burden during their workday!” The teachers are making lesson plans based on their experience of what they can shepherd a class through in a normal day, and pushing through the cognitive dissonance in simultaneously KNOWING that this is not possible / sustainable for working parents. Like 12:31 said, they can’t come out and say that the independent work isn’t important, but I bet they will be completely reasonable and understanding if you talk to them individually to explain your reality.
Anonymous says
Does anyone take their kids to the grocery store these days? My preschooler LOVES the grocery store an absurd amount, like if we gave her the choice between the playground and the grocery store I’m pretty sure she’d pick the grocery store, so I’d love to take her. It seems low risk to me since we would be both wearing masks the whole time and not in the store for very long (this would be a supplement to curbside pick-ups to get some things we have trouble getting through the curbside service). But I’m wondering if people think it’s really irresponsible to take a kid inside when you don’t have to.
So Anon says
My community, thus far, has had relatively low transmission levels. I take my daughter (7) because as a single parent, there are times when I don’t have a choice. I will say that the hardest part is how much kids like to touch all the things. all the time. I’ve gotten into a habit of only touching what I absolutely need to while in a store, and that is a really hard message to get through to a little kid. So no, depending on your community, it is not a horrid decision, but bear in mind that little kids love to touch things!
Anon says
I took my 6 year old exactly once, until I repeated ‘we don’t lick the [insert surface]’ for the umpteenth time and realized she’s a walking liability in a grocery store. Between that and constantly wanting to get on the floor to look under the shelves, wanting to put her lips on the cart handle to feel it vibrating, and wanting to touch ALL THE FRUITS…she’s cut off. She had a GREAT time though. I definitely don’t judge parents who bring kids to the grocery store, just – know your kid.
Anon says
I would leave your kid home. It’s not a huge risk in the grand scheme, but kids do touch everything and also aren’t able to social distance the way adults are. In my area, adults have finally gotten the memo about giving people space, but the kids simply don’t seem able to and that’s not really fair to other people at the store.
Anonymous says
I hear you, but she’s young enough to still ride in the cart, so she wouldn’t be approaching anyone or touching anything except the groceries we’re buying. She’s also surprisingly great at keeping distance – much better than the majority of adults in our neighborhood. When we’re out on walks or parks, she tells adults who approach us to stay back, even if they’re more than six feet away.
Anonymous says
If she stays in the cart and wears a mask, it’s probably fine, but I’d still consider playing it safe.
apt. says
I think it depends on the kid whether they can not touch things. We live an apartment building and I have had to train my young kids not to touch the elevator buttons (their biggest pre-pandemic joy) and they really did learn not touch them. Many kids can learn what not do.
Anon says
Yup, we broke my 2.5 year old of her finger-sucking habit at the start of the pandemic. She still does it but knows she’s only allowed to do it at home after washing hands, never in public. I do think it depends on kids’ personalities, but a lot of toddlers and preschoolers enjoy pleasing their parents and can be taught not to do something.
DLC says
My husband has taken my 8 year old a few times. She is pretty low risk for herself and those around her. She is told to keep her mask on, stay 6 feet away from people, and don’t touch anything, and she complies. The main reason I don’t take my preschooler is that I can’t trust him to do any of those things and it would be super stressful/ uncomfortable for me as well as for fellow customer and store employees.
Anonymous says
Yes all the time. Have been.
SC says
DH and I just had this conversation last week. My son enjoys the store, and he gets more involved in cooking and excited about eating when he is part of the shopping. We had not taken him inside the grocery store since March.
We settled on taking Kiddo to the store. He is good about wearing a mask. He has to sit in the cart and knows he can’t touch extra things (which we had to be really strict about when he was 3 and went through a pulling-things-down-from-the-displays phase). I don’t think the chances that our family gets Covid or spreads it at the grocery store increase significantly because Kiddo is in the cart wearing a mask.
Anonymous says
If you can keep her in the cart and not touching everything/getting close to people, I don’t think it is a big deal, but some people will probably give you the stink eye.
AwayEmily says
I would not take my own preschooler, but I would not think it is was irresponsible/give side-eye if I saw someone else taking theirs — I would assume that (like So Anon) they are a single parent or there’s some other reason that they HAVE to take their kid.
rosie says
We try to avoid it. Grocery shopping is pretty stressful for me — navigating a big, new (to me) store, trying to avoid people who aren’t doing a good job wearing masks, etc. — that I think it might make it harder. I also want to get in and out as quickly as possible, and I don’t know if my kid would be ok with sitting in the cart the whole time. And while she’s good at wearing her mask, she does touch her face more than I’d like. I have taken her into a farmstand (a small store, not an open air one, but we’ve done that too), and she is good about staying right by me and those are quick in-and-out stops.
I for sure do not side eye anyone for bringing their kid into the store — saw several on our last shopping trip. Not being able to take kid on errands presents some logistical issues.
anon says
I think it’s fine. I’ve taken my school-aged daughter to Target (wearing mask), and I see lots of other kids (not as many before, but still plenty). I wouldn’t bat an eye, especially if they are behaving well.
Anon says
Personally no. Seems like an unnecessary risk to me and honestly i am kind of questioning when i see entire families at the grocery store (2 adults + kids). I completely understand why if you have no one ri leave your kid with you have to bring them, though there is also free curbside
SC says
Our grocery store’s free curbside has been a disaster. DH ordered free curbside last Friday, and I sent him back to the store Sunday. Lots of stuff was out of stock, the store made crazy substitutions, and they left out one entire bag. Another time, the order was marked “fulfilled” when it wasn’t, and it took 2 days with Instacart’s customer service to process a refund, reorder groceries, and have them delivered (Instagram offered free delivery to make it up, and the free delivery was delayed by a full day).
Anon says
Yeah, ours is pretty bad too. If we say “no substitutions” we only get about half what we ordered. If we allow substitutions, we get more but sometimes their choices of substitution are terrible. I can understand swapping organic and not organic or swapping different brands but sometimes the substitution is something like we request chocolate ice cream and they give us pumpkin ice cream. That is not a substitute and is terribly wasteful if no one in the household wants to eat pumpkin ice cream. So in-person shopping is kind of an essential need for us.
Anon says
We once got no milk (I see the receipt before we pickup) so I called and asked if they had any milk in the store because I have little kids. And they didn’t sub milk because I’d ordered organic and they only had regular. Dude, regular is fine. I need milk!
rosie says
Although on the flipside, my parents ordered some half the fat weird ice cream flavor and got a substitution that was much more delicious. But I understand why most of the times it’s frustrating!
Anonymous says
Yup, my husband takes them all the time, now, starting back in about June. Our community has low transmission levels, and the kids love errands. I think it’s important that my kids do normal things and continue to practice acting appropriately in public. “Appropriately” now includes keeping your mask over your mouth and nose, giving people space, and minimizing touching. The youngest (3.5) has to sit *in* the basket because not-touching is too hard for him
Anon says
I do. We have our toddler in daycare, but other than that my family is very cautious when it comes to covid. We don’t go to restaurants or do any kids activities or in-person socializing with friends or extended family, so I figure we have “risk capital” to spend on the grocery store. The majority of my mom friends don’t take their kids to the store but they do regular patio dining with their kids, which I’m not convinced is less risky.
Anon says
Has anyone here compared the Patagonia Down Sweater to the Primary puffer or the Lands End puffer? The Patagonia Down Sweater has been my go to coat for years, but dont like the color options this year and missed the window to buy on discount. Has anyone been happy with a comparable option?
Anonymous says
I just ordered the Land’s End based on a recommendation here (last week maybe?). It’ll arrive in two sizes to try on Monday. I’ve never gotten the Patagonia or Primary for my kiddo, so won’t be able to comment on the comparison, but I’ll be happy to report back next week. We’ve had a Cat and Jack puffer that we all loved, but that doesn’t seem available this year (or I didn’t like the options – I don’t remember). We’ve also had a Columbia, and I do not recommend it.
Mary Moo Cow says
We have the Primary puffer vest (last year’s model) and a Columba Omniheat jacket. I like both and find both to be comparable to the Down Sweater, but the Down Sweater is a hair thinner/lighter.
It looks like Primary re-engineered the puffers this year.
Have you checked the resale sites: Thred Up, Posh mark, e Bay? Or Moose jaw for last year’s model? I’ve found 2 of our Down Sweaters on those sites.
Nursing hoodie says
Favorite nursing hoodie/ sweatshirt?
I ordered the Gap one – I like the weight and material, but it doesn’t have pockets. Bummer. Looking for something heavier, with cotton content, for fall days with zipper access as opposed to lift up access.
Thanks!
AwayEmily says
So, I actually didn’t like zipper ones because they were too scratchy on the baby/me. Comfy sweatshirt cardigans worked better. I also loved the Latched Mama Heavy Hoodie (size up).
Anon. says
I got a Latched Mama hoodie that was the softest bestest sweatshirt ever. Love. I may wear it this coming winter even though I’ll be done bf-ing.
Anonymous says
I always liked regular zip-up hoodies or open cardigans to wear over nursing tees/tanks.
Anonymous says
I like this one but it’s not a zipper (it has a clip though): https://www.nordstrom.com/s/bun-maternity-cozy-maternity-nursing-hoodie/4273091?origin=keywordsearch-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FAll%20Results&color=001
Metallica says
Hi all. Does anyone have a parenting book for three-year-olds that they would recommend? I’m trying to set better boundaries for my own kiddo but I feel like I’m failing. Part of me is just like “three-year-olds gonna three-year-old” but the other part worries constantly that I’m raising a savage.
Metallica says
Or any online parenting workshops that they like–(thank you all again!)
Anonymous says
i am also interested in your recommendations?
Anon says
Has been recommend here many times, but How to Talk So Little Kids will listen, raising the spirited child
Mary Moo Cow says
Janet Lansbury (podcasts and “No Bad Kids”), “How to Talk… ,” and “Siblings Without Rivalry” are ones that I come back to time and time again. It’s not strictly a parenting book, but “Time to Parent” helped me identify tasks or chores that I needed to do and what I could ask or expect my kid to help out with (which, I believe, can help lead to setting boundaries or expectations for behavior.)
I’m curious if anyone has used “Positive Parenting Solutions,” which keeps popping up on my social media ads.
anon says
Sorry this is so late – hope you see it – online: instagram: simplyonpurpose, drbeckyathome
Books – How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen; 1, 2, 3 Magic, Parenting with Love & Logic