Accessory Tuesday: ‘Dilys’ Wedge Pump

This highly-rated shoe at Nordstrom is on sale from $129 to $96 (25% off) (ooh, and even lower at Amazon in some colors/sizes). It looks like a great shoe for running around, either at the office or with the kids, and I like that it’s got 2.25″ covered heels. It seems very sleek, but comfortable as well. ‘Dilys’ Wedge Pump

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  1. Leatty says:

    These shoes are hideous.

  2. EB0220 says:

    My daughter will be starting K this year. We have year-round schools and are still waiting for her schedule assignment. SO to channel my need to DO something while we’re waiting (and waiting….) any advice/tips/things to do to prepare for elementary school?

    • mascot says:

      Has she dropped the nap yet? That’s a big adjustment for some kids. Also, there’s an expectation of some personal independence that year. Can she use the bathroom without help including wiping and pulling up pants, wash her hands, put on jacket and zip it, and tie her shoes?
      Academically, it depends on what they learned in pre-k. If she’s still working on letter recognition and sounds, keep working on it for reading preparation.

      • EB0220 says:

        Yep, she’s dropped the nap so that’s good. She’s pretty independent. Letters are a work in progress but we’ll focus on that. Thanks!

    • Get the supply list if you can and start the shopping if your PTO does not have the “buy a bag” option (or if your PTO’s package is spendy).

      The Kid does not start Kindy until August, but I already am on the hunt for iPad/iPad mini compatible headphones that are kid safe and will fit his giant melon (and not break the bank).

    • Order new labels from Name Bubbles or similar. I love having them so when daughter grabs random thing to bring to school in the morning, I can just stick a label on it when we are walking out the door.

      • EB0220 says:

        All over it! I think I actually need my own name bubbles at this point.

      • Jdubs says:

        I recently ordered my own name bubbles for work… my chargers are labeled, my laptop is labeled, my calculator is labeled. Makes me happy every day :-)

        • Meg Murry says:

          We’ve always had Brother Label makers at work, and I also went to town labeling my chargers, bluetooth mouse, laptop, flash drive – anything that could potentially get left behind in a conference room and not be 100% obvious whether it belonged to me or a different co-worker.

          A friend of mine recently switched over to ordering a set of name labels with just their last name and her cell phone number on them, so she could use them on any/all of her kid’s stuff.

    • In House Lobbyist says:

      Phone number was hard for us to learn at the beginning of K for some reason. We don’t have a home phone so there was no real phone to practice on and it was just a bunch of random numbers to him. We ended up making a song to the Mickey Mouse song that finally pushed us over. I wouldn’t stress over much else besides name, phone number and maybe address. We did the homework/review pages for every day in June and July that our K sent home and I wish I hadn’t bothered. And it is almost the end of the year and they still bring home sheets where the focus is letters. The first day of school they learned to count to 5. My son’s homework sheets still have some pretty basic stuff that I make my 3 year old do. All that to say – don’t stress because you don’t want them to be bored like my son is now.

      • Anonymous BigLaw Associate says:

        Yes, I was going to say phone number of parents/nanny, home address, and parents’ and nanny’s real names (first and last).

      • EB0220 says:

        Genius. She knows names but not address/phone number yet.

    • Mrs. Jones says:

      Let her pick out a small backpack and lunch bag. My son had a hard time adjusting to being in a kindergarten class, but this second semester has been MUCH better than the first. Good luck!

    • Focus as much (or more) on the behavioral stuff. At least here, the behavioral expectations in kindergarten are fairly high and they are tough on some kids — especially active boys. Things like sitting quietly, waiting one’s turn to talk and not constantly jabbering/fidgeting become really important. Even if they’ve been attending daycare, some of these things may not come naturally.

      What I’d recommend doing is taking a hard look at how your kid is doing at daycare/preschool and do your best to address any potential issues. Not to scare you, but even small, age-appropriate stuff seems to become a big d*mn deal in a formal school setting.

  3. anon dc mom says:

    Kiddo is 2.5 and is giving me white hairs when it comes to transitions. She is fine when we’re home all day and can easily (mostly) transition from lunch, to potty, to nap, etc. The problem is mostly around the car, putting socks on, getting in the car, sitting in car seat, getting straps on, it goes on and on. On the way back, she does not like getting out of the car, wants to push all the buttons and knobs to the point where we left some light on and the car died. AH! Tell me what magic has worked for you.
    Probably related, I am 5 months pregnant and she has been displaying some baby-like behavior – using a pacifier, tantrums, baby-talk. any advice on easing that pain?

    • Famouscait says:

      No magic, but I let my 2.5yo son do “beep beep” when we arrive at home. He gets to sit in the driver’s seat and do all the button pushing, etc. while I unload the car. We only do it at home, and having full run of the cockpit seems to satisfy his button-pushing needs. Obviously the car is off and the keys are with me! No advice ont he tantrums – he just started those a few days ago and wow. Just wow.

    • EB0220 says:

      I have a 2.5 year old too. Making everything a game is magic. Usually we have silly monsters chasing us that will tell us bad jokes or make faces at us if we don’t get in the car. Occasionally there are “mean pirates”. It takes us from tantrum/screaming to cooperation and fun in about 30 seconds. When my kiddo is going slow on socks/shoes we just take them with us in the car. She seems to like putting them on the car. With the button-pushing, I find it’s best just to avoid it unless you’re parked at home and kiddo is playing in there while you’re doing yardwork or cleaning the garage or washing the cars. If they start the button-pushing, they will never want to stop. Very annoying when you have to go somewhere. We also sometimes bring these toy laptops they have (lots of buttons) in the car to satisfy the button-pushing desire.

    • Another BigLaw Parent says:

      No advice re button pushing in the car, but I am about 6 months pregnant and my daughter is 2 yr 9 mo and is also doing some more of the baby behavior. Some standards we still hold her to (e.g., no hitting, use your words – when she uses baby talk we say “are you being silly?” and laugh with her and say we can’t understand her when she uses made-up words, etc.) but we also indulge the baby behavior a bit to reinforce that she still gets lots of time, attention and affection. I will say something like, “where’s my big girl?” and she says, “no, today I’m your baby” (or vice versa). We use the “baby” label on those days but still expect her to set the table, use her potty, put her toys away, etc. We use her preferred label for the day, and on the “baby” days there are lots of extra cuddles/empathy/an extra book at bedtime etc. Hope that helps!

    • Jeffiner says:

      My daughter is almost 2.5, and for the past several months we have used the “Count to 10” trick for transitions. I’ll say, “We’re going to count to 10, then we’re going to get in the car.” Then I calmly count to 10, and when I’m done I say, “Yay, its time to go!” Its not a warning for punishment, its just a time for her to prepare herself for the transition. She quickly learned that, and responds to it really well. Sometimes she’ll look at me as I count, then when I get to 4 or 5 she’ll start putting away her toys, getting her coat, etc. It doesn’t always work, sometimes she’ll start crying when I get to 4 or 5. But more often than not it makes transitions go a lot smoother.

  4. How do you pack your toiletries for an international trip? We are flying with baby internationally and I want to limit items that I take with me. Do you wear make-up on the plane? I was thinking to have a few items with me for the flight and pack the rest in the checked in suitcase. What are your must have toiletries and make-up you take with you on the plane? Can anyone recommend good facial cleansing wipes? Thanks!

    • avocado says:

      I like the Simple micellar facial cleansing wipes. They are less irritating than other wipes I’ve tried.

    • Blueberry says:

      I bring the basics in small containers, in case I lose my checked bag. Those go in the carry-on suitcase overhead. I bring a toothbrush and toothpaste, face wipes and hand sanitizer in a backpack under the seat. I wear the same BB cream on my face onto the plane as always, I guess because I like to look at least somewhat put together in the airport.

    • In House Lobbyist says:

      Not sure how much you need but I put things like moisturizer/face sunscreen – or anything liquid I need a small amount of – in contact lens cases. They take up much less room. I have also consolidated and use coconut oil for my makeup remover, face lotion, body lotion – pretty much everything. But I don’t have a great way to make that travel yet.

  5. Super proud of this morning’s accomplishment while on a conference call – I created a capsule-ish wardrobe for work this summer. 16 shirts, 6 pairs of ankle pants, and 6 cardigans. I’m letting shoes be a freebie, but probably less than 15. It’s going to require me to be a bit more aware of the laundry situation, but I’m going to organize my closet so those clothes are all together, and move everything else out of the way. I’m so excited!

  6. avocado says:

    My 10-year-old fifth-grader has started to express an interest in makeup. She claims some of her friends (all age 11) are wearing mascara and lip gloss to school. I am inclined to believe her.

    I currently allow nail polish in age-appropriate colors, plus clear lip gloss for special events only. My plan had been to allow her to experiment at home with mascara and colored lip gloss in seventh grade and other makeup in eighth or ninth grade, but not to wear mascara or colored lip gloss in public until high school. Her dad is horrified at the idea that she would ever wear makeup (he also hates the fact that I wear makeup, but that’s just too bad for him).

    What would you do? I don’t want to be overly strict and create an incentive for my daughter to go behind my back, but I also think mascara on a ten-year-old is ridiculous. I am thinking I will buy her some of that clear mascara to play with and see whether that satisfies her for a while.

    • Anonymous says:

      So, you’re right that mascara on a 10-year-old is ridiculous, but my mother didn’t let me shave my legs til high school (not to mention makeup or painting my nails), so I just shared everybody else’s makeup and applied it as soon as I got to school. Eventually, I started getting eye infections and ear infections (we shared earrings too). I think you should just roll with it, because she’ll find a way to do it regardless of what you say. (My daughter is 3, so we’ll see if I have to take my own medicine in a few short years.)

    • Anon in NYC says:

      I agree that mascara on a 10yo is ridiculous. I don’t think that I became interested in makeup until I was in high school. My mom’s solution was to take me to the Clinique counter. But that seems better for an older kid. What about those inexpensive lip glosses that you can get at a drugstore (like Lip Smackers)?

    • This is tough. Based on my own experiences in middle and high school, my plan is to allow my daughter to be in the middle on this kind of thing. So not the first one in her class to wear makeup or pierce her ears, but also not the last one. One of my good friends in middle school wasn’t allowed to do things until years after the rest of us, and it really was an issue for her and I don’t want that to ever be my kid. Can you talk to the parents of her peer group and find out what they are doing? It is possible that only one girl is wearing mascara and lip gloss to school, or that it was a special occasion thing for a birthday or something. Or they are doing it without parental knowledge. But if roughly half (or more) of her friends are wearing mascara and lip gloss, then I would let her do it as well if she wants to. The clear mascara could be a good idea and there are lots of neutral lip glosses.

    • Meg Murry says:

      I know when I was a kid we started playing with wearing makeup to school in 6th grade, and many (but not all) girls wore it regularly by 7th grade. But in our case 6th grade was also when we started middle school – I agree 5th grade seems a bit early.

      I think clear mascara would be a fair compromise, and then step up to colored lip gloss and mascara *or* eyeshadow for special occasions but not everyday at school.

      In addition to not wanting her to go behind your back, you also don’t want her borrowing or sharing eye makeup with her friends – that’s a recipe for the 6th grade breaking out in pinkeye. So perhaps the compromise would be that you’d buy it for her on the condition that she not share eye makeup with friends?

      When you’re ready to step up from clear mascara, I’d suggest going to a brown/black as opposed to stark black, unless she already has dark hair and lashes.

      My mom and her friends wore Mary Kay back in the day, so it became a right of passage to have a facial with the town Mary Kay lady, where she would teach us how to apply makeup in a way that was age appropriate (instead of experimenting and failing with way too much eyeliner, etc). My mom also emphasized that if I was going to wear makeup, I had to take care of my skin.

      • Meg Murry says:

        This also seems like a good opportunity to talk with her about peer pressure and doing things because she wants to do them, not just because all her friends are – with a lower stakes topic than sex, drugs etc.

        So perhaps you could emphasize the “do you want to wear lip gloss because *you* want to wear lip gloss, or because Katie wears lip gloss and you want to fit in with her” side of the conversation. Laying the framework for when the conversation turns to dating, multiple ear piercings, cell phones, co-ed sleepovers and all the stuff I am so not looking forward to and that I hope will go easier with my son that it would with daughters (but who knows).

        • avocado says:

          This is a very good point. There are really only two kids I have seen wearing makeup. One of them is her BFF. We are friendly with BFF’s parents and have similar values and views on many topics (unusual in our area), so she is puzzled when we don’t let her do all the things BFF is allowed to do, such as cook unsupervised (BFF is a foot taller and is not going to pull things down out of cabinets onto her head), wear giant hoop earrings (BFF’s parents apparently do not care whether she tears her earlobes playing sports) and have a cell phone (which BFF keeps having confiscated for misuse). She looks up to BFF a little too much and wants to be exactly like her. Which is funny, because she is otherwise very insistent upon making her own choices and being her own person.

          We have had the cell phone conversation too many times already. Ugh.

    • Rainbow Hair says:

      My plan (all the grains of salt, since kiddo is 2) is not so much to make makeup off limits or inappropriate, but instead to talk about what it is and what it isn’t. Like I make an effort to say “mommy likes to wear makeup sometimes” and not “I have to wear makeup when I go to work.” And it’s in the category of all the other personal preferences. “Kiddo likes to take a bath, but mommy likes to shower” or whatever. I don’t let my husband weigh in with gender stuff. “Daddy doesn’t like makeup, but mommy does” not “daddy doesn’t wear makeup because he’s a man.”

      My plan is to keep it fun, if I can. Not “I put this on to make my eyelashes look better” but “I love colors and I think this looks so pretty by my green eyes.” Hopefully it can be *~fun~* and fancy for a while? But I also think that it’s fine to point out that the same way a ball gown or high heels aren’t appropriate school clothing, a ton of makeup isn’t appropriate for school, because that’s just outside of the social mores.

      Ugh it’s such a battle, us vs. the world for our daughter’s self image.

      • Meg Murry says:

        Yes, it’s interesting how to dance the line of trying not to gender stereotype – something I hadn’t thought about until my boys started asking how come they couldn’t wear Mommy’s makeup, and why doesn’t Daddy wear makeup. Luckily, so far I’ve been able to keep it to “makeup is for fun, I like the pretty colors” and “makeup is for grownups, not kids”, but we shall see how it progresses.

    • Maddie Ross says:

      IMO and based on my memory of being a middle schooler, I think some flexibility here is key. I started wearing “makeup” earlier than a lot of people because I broke out badly and early. So I was introduced to concealer, pressed powder and a little blush by sixth grade. I didn’t wear eye makeup though – mostly because I was either in glasses or a newbie wearing contacts. Can you start her with the clear mascara that doesn’t do much at first? It might satisfy her interest. I would probably be the most flexible with lip glosses in all colors, assuming she isn’t wearing actual red lipstick kind of thing.

    • Blueberry says:

      I would be sort of nervous about eye infections and proper cleaning, not to mention getting in the habit of “having” to wear a full face of makeup. Maybe you could get her a gift certificate to… umm… whatever store sells cheap, silly makeup, for her birthday or another special occasion? What I’m trying to get at is, perhaps think of a way to start her off treating makeup as a fun thing to play around with (I’m thinking sparkly lip gloss, applied with friends at sleepovers and stuff?), but not something she needs to or ought to be wearing every day. So, perhaps my approach is the opposite of yours — treating makeup sort of like dress-up for a 10- or 11-year old? Learning howto choose tasteful makeup and apply it “properly” can come later?

    • NewMomAnon says:

      Sooo…my kid is 3 so I’m not sure if my opinion will change by the time she’s 10. Grain of salt here…

      Kiddo’s grandparents gave her a bunch of “makeup” for Christmas (mostly lip gloss and play makeup containers, but also some blush and some makeup brushes). She is 3. While I don’t want her to feel like she has to wear makeup to fit in, how is makeup any different than picking your shirt or playing with nail polish or putting your hair in a pony tail? It’s just aesthetics. I guess I’m inclined to say let her experiment with some light makeup and don’t make a big deal out of it. A 10 year old probably doesn’t want concealer/foundation/etc – just the fun embellishments like eye shadow, eye liner, lip gloss and blush.

      -signed, dropped my 3 year old off at school with a huge smudge of pink blush on one cheek and a face paint strawberry on the other

      • Lyssa says:

        That’s pretty much how it was for me (my mom sold Avon for a little bit, and gave me the old samples and stuff to play with). I never saw it as a big deal, so it wasn’t. I probably wore way too much blue eye shadow for any decent human being, but that came with the territory of being a child of the ’80’s. FWIW, it seemed like many or most of my friends were wearing it routinely by middle school (6th grade), but again, it wasn’t a big deal.

        I’d let her buy $5 -$10 worth of super-cheap drug store items, or give her a few of your ends, and let her play with them as she wants.

    • I have a 9-year-old daughter, and you are scaring me. For now, I kind of can’t imagine this, as just doing stage makeup for dance recitals is a fight because she hates it. But a lot changes in 2 years. I’d probably buy her clear mascara to play with, maybe some tinted lip balm? Start slow.

      • avocado says:

        I am kind of shocked that mine is suddenly interested in makeup since she still complains about combing her hair, but she is a tween and hence a walking contradiction. I am thinking that if I give her some clear mascara she will get freaked out by the mechanics of applying it, and that may quell the curiosity for a little while longer.

        • Meg Murry says:

          If you do Easter baskets perhaps hers could contain clear mascara and sparkly lip gloss (like Lip Smackers or other drugstore brand)? That way it’s also sending the “special occasions” message as opposed to the “if you whine and badger me enough about it I’ll eventually give in and buy you what you want” message?

          I hear you on tweens and walking contradictions. My 10 year old boy has suddenly decided he cares what he wears (to a certain extent) and that none of his clothes other than two pairs of pants are acceptable – and one of those is too short, in my eyes. Not having the exact right pair of pants available to wear to school is just another way mom is ruining *everything* about his life, sigh.

          • avocado says:

            I like the Easter basket idea. I was going to save it for a fifth-grade graduation present, but that is still two months away.

            When it progresses beyond mascara and sparkly lip gloss, I am definitely planning to take her to the Clinque counter, Sephora, or somewhere like that. Hopefully not for a few more years.

    • You’ve gotten some great ideas. Another one that just popped into my head – what if she is responsible for paying for her make up with her own money? That might be a bit of a deterrent.

    • Anonymous says:

      My girls have had a make up kit (cheap brush set and colorful eye shadow box – the kind you see around the holidays) since the oldest was age 4. It’s for at-home only, but they love to go doll themselves up. It usually become as full body affair that requires a shower after, lol.

      They started asking to wear make up for special occasions, so I put a swipe of shimmery but nearly nude shadow on them and tinted lip gloss. They are super duper happy. (age 5 and 7).

      FWIW, I don’t wear make up except for major holidays and photo sessions.

    • Anonymous BigLaw Associate says:

      I would teach her how to use and apply makeup correctly and to remove it correctly. I don’t see anything wrong with tweens wearing makeup. I would also feel like a hypocrite forbidding it because I always wear makeup when I leave the house unless working out. I am not sure I get the gendered issues. Most men don’t wear makeup. Many women do. It’s a fact of life and a societal norm. It is every human’s decision to wear makeup or not, but those societal norms naturally come into that decision.

      FWIW, I am a mom of four boys. No girls.

  7. Famouscait says:

    I’m moving this summer due to husband’s job. I’ll be leaving a great job and work situation; so great, I feel that this may be the high-point of this kind of work, and that it will be hard to impossible to find something that can compare. I’ve always wanted to strike out on my own (my parents both owned their own businesses growing up) and said at the beginning of this job that I wanted this to be the last time I worked for someone other than myself. However… I’ve been recruited for a job at the new location that is similar to what I’m doing, but involves 50% travel and is a generalist position. (I don’t travel at all right now, although I do work a lot of nights and weekends, and I am specialized in a niche that thrills me.)

    I see the benefits of the potential new job to be that 1) I would make a lot of money that could be stocked away for a future business, and 2) it would help me meet people in the new location. The negatives I see are that 1) traveling takes me away from my 2.5yo, dog and hubby, all of whom I really enjoy, and 2) new employer will learn how great I am and create a position for me replicating what I do now, and then I’ll never strike out on my own.

    What are y’alls thoughts and opinions? I would add to this that I would like to have a second child sometime in the next three years.

    • avocado says:

      What does the 50% travel look like–every other week, or multiple shorter trips per month? Will the travel alternate regularly with periods at home, or will there be blocks where you are traveling every week and then blocks where you are home for several weeks at a time?

      How well will your child care situation and your husband’s job accommodate travel?

      • Famouscait says:

        Travel is Monday – Wed/Thu every other week. I would have the ability to set my travel schedule around birthdays, kid events, etc. Childcare is daycare and babysitters – we won’t be near any family. Husband’s job will be very flexible to accommodate travel. He traveled 90% for a consulting job years ago before baby, so we are both working off of that as a comparison.

        • avocado says:

          I have traveled regularly since my kid was 2.5, and that schedule sounds doable to me if your husband is on board. Somehow even a three-night trip (M – Th) is so much less burdensome than a full week (M – F), and the regularity will allow you and the family back home to establish a routine. My kid did not mind my travel at that age and only started having a difficult time with it once she hit third or fourth grade.

          Have you thought about trying it out for a set period of time, like one year?

          • Famouscait says:

            Yes – I feel inclined to try it out, and I think about 2 years would be my max. In what way(s) did things become hard for your third/fourth grader?

          • avocado says:

            She started to do worse in school, both on tests and on homework, whenever I was gone. Partly because daddy has a hard time getting her to bed on time when he’s on his own, partly because he wasn’t checking her homework or reviewing her test prep materials. She also started to have some (unrelated) conflict with her dad, and it was more difficult for her when I wasn’t around to cushion it.

    • Have you moved before as a married couple? Is husband good at making friends? For me, my social situation in the new place would be a big factor. Knowing my own personality, and how introverted husband is, I would consider taking the job and use it as a launchpad in the new area to meet people and get settled. This is especially the case if it would be tough to start the new business and keep it going before baby #2. Then quit and start a new business when the time is right. But I also am not sure that I could handle 25% travel. Is your kid over all the daycare illnesses? There may be new ones in the new area. If your kid will be home sick twice a month from new germs, that could put a real strain on the childcare situation. Lots of factors here. Maybe write down your values for yourself and your family and start comparing options and how they match up to your values.

      • Famouscait says:

        Yes, we’ve moved A LOT as a married couple (I think this will be 6th move in 11 years of marriage?) I also feel that it would help be get on my feet before starting a business, but am also worried about the travel. I know I could just quit if it came to that (my husband will be the breadwinner this time around) but I also want to be as thoughtful as I can be going into it.

  8. EB0220 says:

    Full of questions today – I know that some of you really like Tea Collection. Can you give me an idea of the fit?

    • Maddie Ross says:

      I find that Tea runs small and is a little on the shorter side (both through the legs and the torso). So if you have a tall LO (as I do), things may be too short in otherwise age appropriate sizes. But the clothes are soft and the patterns cute.

    • NewMomAnon says:

      I just got a big shipment of Tea Collection stuff for kiddo! Here is my analysis:

      Kiddo is still comfortably wearing 4T clothes, but threatening to outgrow them shortly. I’ve been buying size 5T or 5 for all new clothes. Based on recommendations here and the sizing info on the website, I ordered her a size 5 (or the equivalent) from Tea Collection. The dresses are pretty big right now (gaping at the armpits for sleevless styles, down to her shin for the longer dresses), the t-shirts will likely last through the summer and fall (boys t-shirts seemed a little bigger than same size girls’ t-shirts), the skirt is a little big in the waist, and the shorts are roomy in the waist but the correct length. We haven’t broken out the leggings yet. Everything was very high quality, nice thick knits and so soft. The dresses were acceptably twirly.

      For reference, I had just ordered a bunch of skorts from Lands End for kiddo in a size small (I think – a 4-5), and they are almost too small already (yikes).

      • Anonymous says:

        Not OP, but this is super helpful! Thank you!

        The LE skorts run small IME. (At least half of my preschool and older kids clothing comes from LE). One of my daughters is slim and LE fits her perfectly – so the skorts fit her when they are really short. The younger daughter is thicker/average and can wear her sister’s skorts.

    • shortperson says:

      swimsuits are at least a full size smaller than the stated size. otherwise everything else is comparable to carters usually, but there is some occasional inconsistent sizing. i find their pants (not leggings) tend to run large. but i dont know what is “true to size” because tea is the bulk of her wardrobe.

  9. AnonMN says:

    Interesting to see Maddie Ross’s review, because Tea Collection t-shirts are the only ones that really fit my tall guy well (although he is tall in the torso and not legs, so maybe that makes the difference).

    They do tend to run smaller, so I buy a size up, but I find the shirts to be longer and leaner than Mini Boden or Hanna (I bought a bunch of shirts and compared this season, and they were longer by an inch). The stuff in the “baby” section is going to be smaller but bigger in the butt for diapers (so a 4T from baby will fit differently than a 4 from big).

    Their inconsistent sizing season to season is my biggest complaint of the brand BUT they have excellent customer service. I just ordered 4 rompers and one was smaller than the rest. They sent a replacement without charge and without requiring me to send the other back.

    Nordstroms and local botique stores tend to carry the lines if you want to see it in person though.

  10. Newly Pregnant says:

    I’m 29 and have been married for almost two years. After months of trying, I found out last week that I’m pregnant. I’m very excited and happy (and so’s DH), but a large part of me is also FREAKING OUT that I’m not “ready” or that I don’t know enough to be a mom. I don’t know how to properly diaper a baby. I still have to Google how to properly fold a fitted sheet, and my success rate with cooking a dinner you can actually eat is like 60%. I spent 7 minutes on the Babies R Us website and promptly panicked at all of the stuff I’ll need (and the stuff I don’t even know that I need!). I still really like buzzed brunches with my husband and sleeping in and leisurely Sunday afternoons with a book on our patio.

    I guess I just feel like moms know all of these things that I don’t, and that I’ll miss a lot of our “old life” once the baby comes. This baby was so wished for and hoped for and tried for that it’s really surprising to me that I feel this way, and then I feel guilty for not being 100% over the moon.

    Is this normal? Any advice?

    • Baby HSAL is almost 18 months old, and I’m still not ready to be a mom. And I still don’t fold fitted sheets. So yeah, totally normal.

      You will figure out the diapering immediately, because you will do it about 50 times in the first week alone. Take a newborn class or something, because it’ll teach you stuff you don’t know, and you’ll at least feel like you’re doing SOMETHING to prepare. Stay off of baby stores and visit Lucie’s List for recommendations of all the stuff you need and don’t need. Go through the archives here – even the comments. Get an Amazon Prime subscription if you don’t already have one.

      I really missed the buzzed brunches and yeah, you won’t be back there for awhile or be able to sleep in much anymore. But the new stuff is okay too. Congratulations!

      • Maddie Ross says:

        Eh, they might not be “buzzed” brunches, but Sunday we took our 4 year old and newborn to brunch on a patio and both had adult beverages, ate and people watched. In some ways it’s different, but in some ways it’s the same.

        And yes, totally normal to be freaked out.

    • Anon in NYC says:

      100% normal. In fact, just this morning I said to my husband, “remember when we first found out that I was pregnant and we freaked out and were like CAN’T TAKE IT BACK NOW”? It’s also normal to feel like your pregnancy / the baby is not really real until the baby arrives (at least, I think so – because that’s how I felt).

      I had never changed a diaper, couldn’t remember the last time I had held a baby, and asked the people here if there were books on how to keep a baby alive (yes). You can also pay for classes to learn how to do these things. Take a seasoned and very practical friend (who is also a mom) to the baby store – my friend basically told me what I needed and what was not useful.

      You definitely will miss things about your pre-kids life, but I think most parents do. For example, I mentioned to my husband that we should check out this restaurant that only has 2 open tables in the next 1.5 months…on Tuesdays at 9:30… and I was momentarily wistful that we couldn’t just book one of those tables without lining up a babysitter.

      All that said, having a kid is mostly awesome and congratulations!

      • Newbie Momma says:

        Yes! just have someone register for you and edit it after the fact. I had never changed a diaper, taken care of a newborn, and I didn’t make time to take a single prenatal class. Somehow baby and I are thriving though — turns out you can learn as you go (with lots of late night googling and group texts with my mom friends). Also what’s cooking? Congrats — you got this!

      • Meg Murry says:

        The Babies R Us webs!te/store is just completely overwhelming and full of things that one person swears they can’t live without and another person just looks at and says “what? why?”

        I have 2 kids and even I was overwhelmed when I went in there when I was pregnant with my second and there was so much more *stuff* that hadn’t been a thing just 4 years before. And then again when I went to help my sister register a few years later, there was a lot of “what? I’ve never even heard of that as a thing before, so I’m going to guess you can skip it” stuff.

        What you absolutely need:
        -a safe place you can set the baby down (ideally to sleep) – heck, my parents and friends parents used dresser drawers
        -something to keep them warm (clothes)
        -something for them to poop on (diapers)
        -something to wipe up any stray bodily fluids (wipes/rags/towels/whatever)
        -a way to feed them (and all drugstores carry bottles and formula if your original plan is to b-feed and that doesn’t work out)
        -a way to get them home from the hospital – unless you plan to walk, you’ll need a carseat

        Everything else is a “nice to have” and you’ll figure it out later. And congrats!

    • mascot says:

      Lol. Congratulations. This is all totally normal. You’ll figure out diapering pretty quickly because you will get the hand-on opportunity to practice it a dozen times in the first day. Most parenting tasks have lots of opportunities for practice- no one starts as an expert and the kids don’t know the difference anyways because they haven’t read any books telling them how you should or shouldn’t act. Kids couldn’t care less about folding fitted sheets and they like repetitive, simple meals. There are thousands of right ways to parent and like 3 wrong ones (abuse/neglect level wrong).
      It’s okay to miss the old life, but you’ll find lots of great times in the new life too. Right now, allow yourself to feel all the feelings. Your hormones are going to magnify all of this so don’t think something is wrong because it’s stronger than you thought. Do you have any friends who can help you navigate the baby gear list, talk about daycares, etc? I feel like we are all on Team Parent now and most people are really happy to help out other parents because they know how hard it can be and how overwhelming.

    • NewMomAnon says:

      OMG, yes. Your life will completely change, and you will sometimes miss your old life, and that’s totally normal. You will find resources to figure out how to keep the kid alive; unlike fitted sheets or botched dinners, kids let you know when you’ve done something incorrectly, and continue to notify you until you’ve rectified the situation.

      A mom’s group leader said this when I was a brand new mom, and it’s been true: you are the parent your kid needs. Whether that’s because you adapt to your kid or your kid adapts to you or hormones or whatever, it’s been a helpful thing to remember during the times I feel like a parenting failure (which will also happen!). Parenting breaks you and remakes you stronger and more resilient and more vulnerable. That’s a scary process while it’s happening, but the personal growth is amazing.

    • First diaper I ever changed was my daughter’s in the hopsital.

    • First diaper I ever changed was my daughter’s in the hospital.

    • Relax, breath. This is SO normal. It’s prime freakout territory. You will learn the stuff that you don’t know. (Believe me, you will have plenty of opportunities to learn how to diaper when it’s time!) As for stuff, at some point (months from now is fine), just go through the lists that they give you at Babies R Us or a similar store and register for what you think that you need (much of it you won’t). Whatever people get for you is great; for almost anything else, you can buy as you need it. (All you really need to bring baby home is a car seat, a few onsies, and a place for baby to sleep. And that’s still months away.) Agree with HSAL that there are things that you miss, but they’re worth it.

      Congratulations! But don’t worry about not feeling 100% positive – frankly, I’d be worried if you did. It’s a big deal.

    • Sarabeth says:

      Congratulations! I think those feelings are very normal, but I promise that I didn’t know any of that stuff before my first child was born and it’s been fine. The brunches…I miss them, I really do, but we have other joys now. And they are worth it.

    • I have 3 kids–9 year olds and a 3 year old, and I still don’t really know what I’m doing. Because as soon as you figure out one thing, they move into another stage.

      For stuff though–buy the Baby Bargains book. It has a breakdown of all baby stuff with helpful reviews and really helped me sort through everything.

    • FTMinFL says:

      So normal! I cried from the moment we saw the two pink lines, well, I don’t think I’ve really stopped! But the reasons for the tears change. You’ll cry because your life has changed for the better, because your life has changed for the worse, because your baby is the most perfect thing you can imagine, because your baby won’t stop crying, because of the first smile, because of a blowout in public, and because every stage just keeps getting more fun!

      As NewMomAnon said, you are the perfect mother for this baby, inexperience be d**ned. You’ve got this. Hang out here and pick the brains of any mom friends you may have. We are all just trying to keep our heads above water and thanking heaven for Amazon Prime and UberEats :)

    • Frozen Peach says:

      Congrats!!! So normal! We were in similar shoes, had been trying a long time, so my pregnancy announcement to my husband was “HOLY SHIT!” and handing him the test stick.

      My best friend has a saying, “adults don’t make babies, babies make adults.” This is the truest and most comforting thing ever.

      I will share my one weird trick for this type of anxiety– worked throughout my pregnancy. When I started to feel like omg how will we handle this responsibility of a tiny human, DH would turn on Teen Mom or 16 and Pregnant. 10 minutes of those shows and I was standing on top of the couch proclaiming that we would be AMAZING parents. It’s all about perspective.

      I’d be remiss if I didn’t suggest you purchase “Expecting Better” by Emily Oster. Only pregnancy book I recommend.

    • Absolutely normal. I have a 2.5 year old now and just the other day I was doing something in the kitchen (chopping veggies? getting water? don’t remember exactly) and I was like, wow, I have a real home with some nice stuff and I’m the parent in the family. When did I become an adult? When you have a child, it is definitely an adjustment, but you’ll figure out your new normal and life will go on. I made/still make a huge effort to get out and do things with the child (and husband). I did not want to become an antisocial recluse that you read about on Scary Mommy. Oh, and by the way, don’t read Scary Mommy. It’s depressing and does not represent everyone.

    • Anonymous BigLaw Associate says:

      This is normal. Keep in mind you “need” WAY less stuff that baby stores etc. would make you think.

      “I still really like buzzed brunches with my husband and sleeping in and leisurely Sunday afternoons with a book on our patio.”

      This is not inconsistent with being a mother. :) But seriously, you don’t have to “give up” your prior life because you have kids. I am not American, and where I am from kids are simply not the center of attention in a family. I love my kids, but not everything has to revolve around them. Really it doesn’t. And I can’t see how that is a good thing anyways for their development.

  11. Anonymous says:

    My child always has had an active imagination, and asks a million questions about “real” or “make believe.” We’ve largely just rolled with it. However. Yesterday, she told me that another child on the playground pulled down their pants and showed my child his private parts. The story was very descriptive, and very detailed. I was (am?) concerned, and brought it to the attention of my child’s teacher. Turns out, this child has not been in school for over a week. Also, the teacher told me that my child has been telling increasingly fanciful stories in school. Apparently, she is telling her teachers long winded stories that involve everything from dragons living in our house to a younger sibling going to heaven and coming back.

    Now, I know a preschooler’s timelines are sometimes skewed, but now I don’t necessarily know what to believe. How do you suss out the difference between truths, “lying,” and making up stories? Obviously some kid exposing themselves to other kids is super concerning, but is it more concerning if my child invented the story? There is some context for her coming up with the story. She’s been curious about the physical difference between boys and girls for about a year now – and we’ve bought age appropriate books that explain and show the difference, and talked about it. She sometimes asks to become a boy, or dress as a boy, or asks when she will become a boy. She also relishes being a girl at other times, and so it’s not like she’s maintaining she IS a boy. She just seems super, super curious about it all. Have I officially veered into the “professional help” stage, or is this a wait and see kind of thing (so far, my husband and I are team “wait and see” – but this latest story – is just very odd to me).

    • Blueberry says:

      I’d ask the teachers for their view on whether the story-telling is within the range of what’s normal, and go with that. As for the private parts and interest in the distinction between sexes, her interest and questions seem normal, at least based on my experience. My 4-year-old son has asked me innumerable times why I don’t have a male part, and he’s also asked me if he is going to go br**sts. FWIW I think he’s started to get it and doesn’t really ask these questions any more. Also, he and his brother are pretty in love with their little male parts. They sort of play with them and pull down their pants from time to time, partly to get a reaction from us, I think. I was mortified when my older son did that in front of a friend’s kid the other day–but in an embarrassed way, not in a “my-four-year-old is abusing another child” kind of way, if that makes sense.

      • Blueberry says:

        I should also say, we of course tell the kids that exposing their private parts is generally not okay, but we don’t make a huge deal because we don’t want it to become a huge deal. I believe in talking matter-of-factly about these kinds of things, because usually, kids are either (1) curious and/or (2) trying to see what will elicit a reaction.

      • Anonymous says:

        Thanks to you and RR. It is hugely relieving to hear that this isn’t super shocking behavior. I will ask her teacher again about the storytelling, but the teacher was unconcerned when she told me. More along the lines of “I bet she’ll be such a creative writer! Her imagination is incredible! I can’t wait to see what sort of stories she comes up with,” which I’m realizing makes me like her teacher even more. I think she wanted to assure me that a child probably hadn’t exposed himself to my kid without someone noticing by reiterating to me that my child’s stories can be remarkably descriptive — even when they are clearly false (e.g., dragons under the house). So – I guess I’m feeling a lot better. For the earlier poster who is newly pregnant, I also didn’t have any experience with kids prior to my own, and I guess it just means you poll internet strangers to figure it all out!

        • Little TK loves his penis and tries to talk about it with everyone. We make him wear clothes outside of the house but it doesn’t stop his random conversations with strangers. (“I have a penis! Do you have a penis? Mommy doesn’t have a penis. etc…)

          He also loves to tell stories. He told his teacher we have 2 dogs (we have 0) and that we keep a baby locked in our garage (not true, obv.)

          Unless the story is accompanied by some other behavior indicative of abuse, I think downplaying your reactions will go the furthest towards decreasing this particular type of story-telling. It was good to check with the teacher, but even if she’d confirmed this was true I would not be particularly bothered if another kid of a similar age exposed themselves to little TK and I fully expect to hear at some point that TK becomes involved in some sort of exhibition of his own.

          • This is hilarious. And somewhat mortifying for you in the company of strangers…but mostly hilarious.

          • Edna Mazur says:

            Oh my gosh I love this, and am terrified because I have little boys that talk about everything and am seeing flashes of my future…

    • I don’t think any of these behaviors are “super concerning.” Obviously, a preschooler showing another preschooler their private parts warrants a conversation about appropriate behavior, but it’s also pretty normal and non-sexual at that age. And a child having an active imagination is normal. Have conversations with her, talk to her about the difference between real and pretend. Lines that seem blurry right now do unblur when they get a little bit older and understand how to articulate the difference between their imagination and reality. This is the age when kids have imaginary friends and whole imaginary worlds. It’s not a concerning thing at all.

    • Anonymous says:

      Haven’t read the other responses but this all seems 100% age appropriate to me. You don’t say how old your child is so I’m going to guess between 2 and 4 based on the fact that you said preschooler. A couple things:

      1. The Past. It’s a difficult concept for kids to grasp. Their language isn’t fully developed. It wasn’t until around age 5 that my oldest stopped using ‘yesterday’ to refer to all days in the past and was able to use terms like ‘a while ago’. I suspect another kid did pull down their pants and show your child their privates but your child doesn’t have the ability to express a timeline for when it happened. Nothing inherently problematic with one child showing another their privates – yes, the teacher should have notice and said that clothes are kept on except in the bathroom but I don’t think it merits further follow up.

      2. Dragons – my two year old twins regularly pretend they see dinosaurs in the backyard or pretend they are cookie monster. Their daycare teachers even picked up on it and added a ‘dinosaur hunt’ as an activity when they had dinosaur week. A big imagination is not problematic and is not lying.

      3. Gender. Totally normal for kids at preschool age to be ‘super super curious’ about gender. It’s a component of figuring out the world around them and where they fit in it. If she starts identifying that she ‘is’ a boy in a serious and not playing dress up kind of way, then you might want to pay attention to if it’s a stage or becoming a consistent theme. Otherwise, kids exploring genders and trying to understand what makes a boy or a girl is totally normal. There are some good books that explain boys can have long hair and wear pink etc.

      Basically, I wouldn’t worry and you definitely don’t need professional intervention. Hope that helps ease your mind.

      • Meg Murry says:

        Yes, until about age 4, both of my kids used the word “yesterday” to mean “anytime from my earliest memory up until my last nap” – and even then, from about 4-5 “yesterday” usually means “sometime in the recent past”. It very rarely literally means “the day before today” until kindergarten or so.

      • Anonymous says:

        Thank you! All very helpful!!

    • Anonymous says:

      You definitely do not need professional help. That’s all completely normal story telling for the age. Just enjoy the ride.

      When there is something that you want to check on (such as the other student showing his privates), then talk to the teacher – as you did.

      If you do want to work on having child clarify fact from fiction (as I did with one of my kids), we’d play a game (usually in the car) where I would make a statement and she’d say if it were real or pretend. She loved it. “We’re driving to the store.” “REAL!” We’re going to buy a dragon.” “PRETEND!” Then we’d switch.

      Another approach that I find helpful is to ask: “Is this really happen, or something fun to think about?” Usually they’ll tell you accurately. IME, avoid the word “true” as it seems to not have meaning to preschoolers.

      And ditto others that at this age, time is so abstract. Often you’ll hear about something long after it happened even if it’s reported to be “yesterday”, out of sequence, or over an over when it only happened once. Something to be aware of while you’re interpreting.

    • NewMomAnon says:

      This is all helpful for me too. Last night, kiddo asked, “Do you remember when I was a little baby and I died? I died lots of times.” And I knew it was imaginative, but it still kind of freaked me out.

      Also – kiddo now refers to something that happened in the vague past as “yestertime.” I love it.

  12. Anon for this says:

    I feel like I’m drowning at work lately and I can’t decide if it is due to me, or due to unreasonable expectations. When I returned from leave (9 months ago), I was transferred to a new department that was just starting up under the guise of good opportunity. I had no say in the transfer. I am used to managing a team of about 5 people so when stuff gets assigned to me, I can at least delegate some things, but my new team so far is just me and my manager. My previous manager was also amazing and would pitch it when the whole department was overwhelmed. So far the worker positions in my new department haven’t been backfilled and the new manager isn’t a producer, just a delegator. There is just so much to do every day. For various reasons, we are in a remote location so literally every office task falls to me – I empty the garbage every day, order coffee for the kitchen and am responsible for making sure our IT items are working. I keep trying to prioritize the tasks I think are important, but then I get “talked to” about the administrative things that I haven’t done. So putting the administrative duties aside, I just can’t even keep up with the volume of the emails I am getting or the amount of work to do. I have a list and I work off of it diligently, but for every item I cross off about 5 items get added daily. I can’t decide if this is like time to put on the big girl panties and keep ploughing throw until we get more staff and things get better or if it is time to look for a change. Is it normal to always feel this overwhelmed and far behind and I’m just internalizing it too much? I feel like I can’t remember what is normal and what isn’t these days.

    • Anon in NYC says:

      Time to look for a change. That sounds awful. You can’t be your job + an office administrator + the cleaning staff.

    • Sabba says:

      This does not sound normal. I would find a new job as quickly as possible. You cannot be both an admin/office manager and do your job. Did this transfer happen because you had a baby? To me, it sounds like a demotion and a phone call to an worker-side employment attorney may be worthwhile.

      If it will take you awhile to find a new job, then can you give your list to your manager and say “I can accomplish X, Y and Z tasks today or admin items A, B and C. It is possible that I could combine X, Y and C, but I can’t do A, B, C, X, Y, and Z. What should my priority be?” I don’t know your dynamic and if that approach would work, but I don’t think you should be running yourself ragged to do two jobs for the compensation of one. I would also be tempted to research vendor options for the admin tasks and present each of them and the cost for each as an option when you next get “talked to” about leaving admin items undone, but I doubt your manager would respond well to that.

    • Anon for this says:

      Thanks. I’m being intentionally vague on the type of work, but it is billed as a promotion and the admin stuff is sort of normal, but usually we would have had at least some lower level staff by now to pick up the slack. New department is in theory much more visible and high value to the company, so I don’t think it can be seen as a demotion. I just don’t know why it has been so difficult to get more staff on board. I think I put too much emphasis on the admin duties (they are just annoying me). I guess my real question is whether it is realistic to want to feel like you are somewhat on top of your sh*t every day at work, or is that a pipe dream? Does everyone just constantly feel behind or is it just me?

      • Anonymous says:

        Can you hire temp staff asap from a temp agency pending filling the positions? You can’t do the work of three people.

      • Anon in NYC says:

        Oh, yeah, totally normal to feel constantly behind (at least I do). Also totally normal to want to feel/actually be a rockstar at your job.

  13. I’m gearing up for a big family gathering with the inlaws — which will include 8 SAHMs (from grandma to the youngest cousin) and 1 working mom that has summers off. This is also the first time most of them will be meeting the bebe I “leave” every day for work. They peppered me while pregnant about my plan to return to work (i.e. there’s no mommy at daycare, they only want their mom when they are hurt, they’re only babies once, so sad you won’t see your baby grow up etc) and were CONVINCED I wouldn’t be able to bear being at work and would quit. Turns out I returned to work and have no intention on quitting. I’m not looking to have them understand where I’m coming from — I guess just looking for tools on how to handle the inevitable onslaught, preferably while remaining calm. Ideas?

    • Ugh. I wish I could help. I deal with this on a much, much smaller level from my mom – while I was on leave, I sent her a photo of my baby making a new sound. She responded, “This is the kind of moment you will miss when you go back to work, when he learns something new.” THANKS, MOM. What I try to do is remember that comments she makes are reflective of her, not objective value judgments on me. And I do know she has our best interests at heart (might not be true of your inlaws, I don’t know). It’s tough. I smile and remember that only I know the best decisions for me.

      • NewMomAnon says:

        My mom once said something like that (but she worked full time and went back to work when my brother was 3 weeks old, so….totally her own insecurities). I responded, “Yep, and I’ll also miss most of the blow-outs and spit-ups too. Daycare’s going to earn their money on this kid.”

        FWIW, I’ve found that daycare didn’t tell me when “new” things were happening. They just let me find out about it myself so I got the fun of experiencing each thing as a “first.” And kiddo had a tendency to pick up new skills around holidays when she was home more (first steps the day after Thanksgiving, major word explosion around Christmas, etc).

    • shortperson says:

      “This is working for our family.” Repeat.

      • Mrs. Jones says:

        +1…followed by a sip of wine. Good luck.

      • Anonymous says:


        You can also alternate with “I really enjoy my work.” and “Baby is enjoying her teacher so much.”

        Also – realize that when people make a big deal about it, it’s coming from their own issues. They aren’t really talking about you and your child – they are talking about them an their kids. Don’t let it stick to you. You do not need to explain or justify anything.

    • Anonymous says:

      “Every family makes different choices and this is the right choice for our family.” + change topic (weather/sports/decor). Make sure your DH backs you up and doesn’t engage. This is your family’s choice -you are happy, DH is happy, baby is happy. Don’t engage in debate or justifications.

      The fact that they feel the need to attack you says a lot more about their own insecurities than it does about your choices. They tell themselves that no one else could do what they do (SAHM) which makes them feel valuable. The idea that childcare could be done by someone else or that someone could work full-time and still be an amazing mom is threatening to them.

      You are a saint for dealing with this. I can barely take my MIL vaguely implying that I should work part-time let alone an entire jury of judgmental moms.

      • Y’all are bigger people than me. This is rude behavior. I would be tempted to respond it a way that highlighted the ridiculousness of these kind of questions.

        Actually there are LOTS of mommies at daycare. They work there, I work somewhere else. Or, it’s true, I don’t love my baby as much as you love yours.

        I’ve also tried, “I’m a stay at home mom 120 hours a week – the rest of the time I work.”

        If anyone wants to have a non-shaming discussion, I have no problems sharing why I work. It’s important to me that Little TK sees that working and childcare are not responsibilities that are assigned just to mommies or just to daddies. Its important to me that Little TK has some security, in case something happens to one of his parents (not just divorce – death and disability can happen to anyone, at any time.) I’m glad that he spends all day with people who are professionally trained in how to effectively teach things to young children – I am not. And finally, I’m glad that Little TK gets the opportunity to be around other kids his own age, and that he’s getting a head start in learning how to behave in a structured setting – he’ll be well positioned for kindergarten in a couple of years.

        • My hometown is exactly like what OP describes. I still get a lot of “you still work, right? how’s THAT going?” in a totally judgmental tone. My very cheerful response is always “Yep, I love my job! And daycare is GREAT, love that Kids have experienced professionals handling all the teaching so I get to focus on the fun! Did I tell you about how we went to the zoo last weekend?” and then launch into a mom-story about crawling under doors in the zoo bathroom or singing the ABCs in the middle of a tball game or whatever.

          I just reiterate that I am happy with the choices I’ve made because my family gets to do the fun things. Working allows me to pay for swim lessons, tball, zoo memberships, vacations, etc, and still have all of the typical “mom” experiences like potty training and random embarrassing comments and prepping for school. I focus on that in my comments and in my mindset.

    • Anonymous says:

      This is my in-laws. Who live in a geographic location where this is absolutely, 100% totally the norm. I don’t know if this will be your experience, but I got SO MANY comments while I was pregnant and very few when I actually had a child (SIL: “I just can’t imagine letting someone else raise my child!”). Largely, I don’t think they had any basis for what being a working mom looked like. I think they assumed it would be a little like the movies – and I’d be very formal around my child, have a nanny travel with us, and I wouldn’t know how to handle my kid. But when we were together, I was just another mom who could talk about sleep issues, feeding, development, etc. They saw I was engaged and loving to my child. I still got a few comments down the road (my MIL: “We were just all so surprised at how great of a mom you are!” or “We just didn’t think you’d care that much!”).

      The remarks haven’t totally stopped, of course. I try to remember that it’s not just the parenting thing we disagree on, and that it wouldn’t make sense for us to be totally aligned on parenting while we disagree on nearly every single social issue that is out there. So, I still bite my tongue a lot, and remember their comments reflect their total world view not my parenting skills. Also, not helpful right now — but as the kids have aged, it’s been interesting to see how the conversation changed. My niece has been fascinated with the fact that I’m a lawyer, and there have been some awkward conversations in front of her mom. I try to remember that a lot of the comments say more about them than me – and view it as validating their own choices. Then, I thank my lucky stars I don’t see them every day, and go back to my messy, fun, big life.

      • Anonymous says:

        Totally agree with this. When working mothers isn’t the norm, people genuinely don’t know what it looks like to have a child with a nanny or daycare! Literally, they can’t picture what’s happening. So if someone is getting nosey, literally walk through your day. “Oh, we get up, she nurses and we play for a while. Then she gets snuggles from the nanny – she is so happy when she arrives! Then has a bottle and a nap, plays and goes for a walk in the afternoon, and then I scoop her up and we spend the rest of the day together!”

    • EB0220 says:

      My standard answer is: “I figure – the more people to love my baby, the better!”. That always shuts them down, because who doesn’t want babies to be loved?

    • Meg Murry says:

      If you get the “that must be so hard” stuff, you can also offer up something like “yeah, it’s not easy, but nothing about parenting ever is.” and then up to you whether you change the subject or mention something about how lucky you are to have a great childcare center.

      FWIW, my MIL was super apprehensive about daycare (I think she pictured it like an orphan ward full of babies crying in cribs), but once we took her to ours a few times she’s become a complete evangelist for our daycare. So if the family ever does come to visit you, it might be worth having them come along for a daycare pickup or dropoff to see that it really is nothing like they are imagining.

    • Anonymous BigLaw Associate says:

      Do you have to go? I would be tempted to just not go, but I am way more on the end of not giving AF than most people on here.

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