How Did You Decide How Many Kids to Have?
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Here’s a fun topic for today: How did you decide how many kids to have? How did you decide whether to try for a second (or third, or fourth) child — or when to stop having kids? Were you influenced by an outside factor (such as money or your own health), experience (either your own childhood, your birth experience, or your general experience with your first child), hope (such as “trying for a girl” vs, say, abstaining from trying because you hoped for a promotion), or some amorphous factor (such as “feeling like everyone is here now”)?
How I Decided How Many Kids to Have
For me, the decision to both try for a second as well as to stop having kids was a combination of all of these reasons, but I’m curious to hear your thoughts.
Before I get into my own reasons, I should say up front that I love both of my boys and am so grateful and happy for them! I definitely feel like everybody is “here” right now.
The decision to STOP having kids has been driven by a few different things, including my own dislike of being pregnant, my own experience (I have one sibling), a desire to focus on our two kids, not wanting to be outnumbered by the kids, and, frankly, feeling like I’m too tired (and old?) to go through another round of diapers, sleepless nights, etc.
Honestly, I so disliked pregnancy (both in general but also because of the excruciating SPD pain I felt), my birth experience with J (where everything turned out fine but was far from a “pleasant” or “in control” kind of experience), and the postpartum identity crisis I went through that the decision to have a second was something I struggled with, even though it had been a part of My Plan since I was young.
My husband is an only child and was fine with whatever we decided, but ultimately, I kind of looked at my second son as a “gift” to my first son, in part because I’m so close to my own brother.
(Of course when I was about to give birth to my second child, H, I really worried about what I was taking away from my first son, J, too.)
Over to you, readers — how did you decide how many kids to have? How big of a role did your career play in the decision along with other factors?
Picture via Stencil.
It’s possible that there has been a different post to cover this question, but how did you decide you wanted kids at all? I’ll be 32 in the spring and still on the fence. DH says he only wants one and would regret never having children, but I think I would be okay either way, although I still lean a bit to being child-free. We have nieces and nephews that we love to bits, and I also have a child-free aunt and uncle who were (and still are) very involved in my life. But, I come from a family of three kids and we’re all close. So, I see the benefit of both situations. Any insight would be helpful.
Late to the party here. I am pregnant with my second (a girl) and due any day now. My husband says we are done after 2, I’m not so sure. We agreed to wait to see how we feel after baby #2. We never discussed how many kids we wanted before getting married, or even if we did or did not want kids. We just got married because we liked each other. After 8 years of marriage, it just “felt right” to start a family, so we did. We had our son. 6 months later, it just “felt right” to try for another. I don’t know how to explain it. I guess after this second baby, we will just see if it feels right to have a third. This pregnancy has had some ups and downs that stressed out my husband as a spectator to it all. I agree there were some issues but was not quite as stressed. There were nights where he slept with all his clothes on in case something happened. I don’t want to put him through that again, so if we do have more we need to be emotionally prepared for what may come.
My husband and I didn’t want kids. One of his family members passed away, and he was named as the guardian of her two children in her will. Then, less than a month later we found out I was unexpectedly pregnant….with twins. Went from wanting 0 kids to having 4 in this than a year. I wouldn’t change anything, but I doubt we would have chosen to have four kids without the universe making the decision for us.
I have 2 young boys and want a third child, husband says no more. Logically, it makes sense to stop at 2, but I cannot shake the feeling that I’m not done. I asked him to wait one more year and reevaluate, but I doubt he will come around. I am struggling to accept this, as I really feel like someone is missing.
I think we’re one and done. We’d need my parents in town, or the money for more help to make it at all possible. I had a bad pregnancy, and zero desire to be pregnant again (though if i had the means to hire a surrogate I would seriously look into it). And frankly, I’m not sure my mental health could take it. I am an introvert and deal with manic depression (treated & medicated). My son has brought so much joy into my life, but I don’t know if I have sufficient sanity for two.
I am one of three and I remember my mom always having to lean on the kindness of other parents for help at times. I realized that I would need that with another kid, and that I would rather be the person who can cheerfully offer to help another parent.
I was struggling (and still sort of am) with having 2, but feeling like someone is missing from the family. While I haven’t totally ruled it out (might consider adoption if we are fortunate enough to get through the process and the timing ever “works” – but uncomfortable to have a 3rd biologically because of environmental concerns), I think for us and the emotional stability of our marriage, we are done. My husband is REALLY ready to be done – and has commented that he often feels like he comes after our children (in terms of priorities) and wants to put “us” first again. I used to think it was SO selfish (I mean, we go on date nights! lol) – but it’s not the worst thing in the world to have your husband want more time with you. :)
I also think he has different financial expectations that I do. I grew up working for everything I have, and he grew up with a fully funded college account and help with rent when he was starting out (an experience he’d like to pass on). Ultimately, I can respect where he’s coming from.
All that to say – the NUMBER ONE thing that helped me reconcile the idea of my family being “complete” – and truly recognizing the blessing to even be in this position, was this blog post: https://cupofjo.com/2015/09/how-many-children-to-have/
For me, having kids would “keep me young” and avoid “middle age” (HAHAHA) – when, if I’m being honest, I want to really be able to soak in the lives of my two children and not be even more hurried than I already am.
Wanted to post in case it helps anyone else out, too.
We were on the fence about having 2 (I actually posted about it here a few times), I realize it sounds completely insane but what finally convinced me to have a second child was the episode of Vampire Diaries where Caroline’s mom died. My mom almost died last year and it was touch-and-go for an entire month while she was in a coma and I don’t think I would have come through it very well if I didn’t have my sister. A lot of people were supportive during that time, but no one was in the same position and understood what I was going through like my sister did. I didn’t realize the significance of it until I re-watched that episode and saw what it probably would have been like as an only child. I realize my kids could grow up and hate each other but I want them to have the option and possibility of having that support.
We have two, and plan on trying for a third. I originally thought I wanted either 0 or 2, and my husband wanted 3 or 4. We decided to have one, and re-evaluate after each child. After our first, we both new we wanted a second. We have a 2.5 year gap, and the transition to two was really hard. We more or less both want a third, but with a bigger gap, at least 3 years, so the middle one is more self sufficient (and potty trained). For me, it mostly comes down to my children are so great, I want more of them. I know it will be hard. It has been tough on my career, and I am pretty much constantly stressed. My husband stays home with the children, but I have to bear the burden of pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding (I know breastfeeding is optional, but after breastfeeding two, I would feel obligated to do the same for the third). My pregnancies were fairly easy, if not pleasant, childbirth was fine, and I had two easy babies. We have discussed adoption, and that is a possibility. But they bring me so much joy, I just don’t feel done. I am somewhat uncertain, but my husband is very certain he wants more.
We only have one, but that’s only partially by choice. We tried for two years (including 8 months of fertility treatment) to get our son, and then I had a tough pregnancy and nearly lost him twice, at 12 and 19 weeks. Then I had to have an emergency c-section at 36 weeks, and he had to spend time in the NICU. Then he had colic and never slept. We were exhausted until he was about three years old, at which point we thought about having another baby…and then the recession hit, my husband lost his job, and it was not the time to try to have another baby. By the time everything stabilized, my son was already 5, had started kindergarten, and we made an attempt at trying to get pregnant – when nothing happened after four months, my RE had a really blunt conversation with me and said “you really got lucky the first time, with treatment. Without treatment, this isn’t happening. You most likely need IVF. Are you ready to do that?” And the answer to that question was no – we didn’t have the money, or the time, or really even the desire to go through all of that.
I have regret about not having a second child, especially as our first is getting older and needing us less and less. But the situation is what it is. It would have been great if things had happened the way we wanted them to, but they didn’t. Don’t get me wrong – the regret isn’t all-consuming, or anything. But if you feel like you probably want a second child, have one while you have the chance, is my advice. If we could have gotten pregnant the old-fashioned way, without tens of thousands of dollars of medical intervention involved, we would have.
We have two. I would love to have one more. I wasn’t sure I even wanted kids, but once I had one I knew I wanted more. I had easy pregnancies and births (as much as birth is “easy”). My first was about 12 hrs with an epidural, second was 3 hrs with no meds. My body seems to crank them out and I LOVE babies, nursing, etc. My husband is completely done, however, so I’ve resigned myself to two and given all of the baby stuff away. I’m still hoping against hope that husband will change his mind someday but I doubt it. So I’ll content myself with my two sweeties (who are really awesome, occasionally loud and keep me plenty busy). My career is picking up, too, and it would be hard to go back into the “pregnancy corridor”. So, with mixed feelings, we are done at two.
For me, it was a feeling. Before my third child was born, I felt like someone was missing, someone else was meant to be here. After she was born, that feeling was gone. I got divorced shortly after she was born and I realized I definitely didn’t want more kids through the dating process. I had the feeling I didn’t want any more but I didn’t really think beyond that until I dated a man with no kids. He wanted his own child and I panicked. I didn’t want any more kids. No one was missing. I didn’t want to deal with sleepless nights and morning sickness. None of that held appeal. I still feel that my family is complete. The only way I will add children is if I marry someone who also had children.
We have three children, two girls and a boy. No, we did not have a third to “finally get a boy” as so many helpful strangers were willing to comment in front of my older two when the youngest was a baby. I come from a family of three and always wanted at least that many. My husband has one sibling and thought three was too many, but he agreed to try for a third after quite a bit of discussion of the pros and cons. We are both happy with the size of our family now. I had very easy pregnancies and deliveries. I would probably have had a fourth if that’s all there was to it. I waited until our youngest was four before we did anything permanent in regard to birth control, but by that time I realized three was as many as we could raise well while both maintaining challenging jobs, which was important to both of us as well.
Reading these was kind of comforting. I always thought, “if I have any kids, I want to have a bunch.” But one kicked my butt – pregnancy sucked, birth was traumatic, PPD was no freakin’ joke – so I’m thinking one-and-done. If a newborn could magically appear (or if my husband could carry a child), I’d probably be down for it. But me? Nope.
It makes me a little sad because growing up with siblings was awesome… sometimes. And having siblings now IS awesome. My daughter LOVES babies and is so empathetic, and would be as good a big sibling as a self-obsessed toddler can be, so I do feel like I’m denying her something. I envy the people who say, “Yeah I didn’t like being pregnant/birth/whatever, but I knew I wanted more kids, so I did it.” I wish I were on that train.
On the other hand, I like having an empty bedroom for guests; I like that we can travel a little lighter than with two; I like thinking that once we’re done with diapers, we’re DONE. Etc. etc. etc.
I’m pregnant with our third, and I think we’re done. We have just enough bedrooms in this house (that I love!), and truly, three feels like the limit on our time and finances. I can be an awesome mom to three kids. Add a fourth, and all hell might break loose.
My oldest two are 2 1/2 years apart, and will be two grades apart in school. This little one is just over 3 years younger, but will end up being four grades behind – which kind of makes me want to have another quickly so she has a friend (we’ll have three girls).
Husband always wanted five, but is fine with my decision to stop at three. I had an intense delivery last time and my anxiety around another delivery delayed this pregnancy a bit. Maybe I’ll have a really awesome experience this time, and be swayed into having a fourth. :)
My husband was always on the fence about kids, while I wanted 2-3. He finally came off of the fence on the side of kids and decided 2 was a good number to have. However, after the birth of our daughter he decided he was one and done. I was DEVASTATED. He had plenty of rational reasons to not want a second – the sleepless nights, the loss of free time for our own hobbies, the difficulty of traveling, the money – but I couldn’t get over wanting a second child. I would cry every month when I ovulated. I told him I wanted to go to therapy either alone or as a couple, because I still love him and don’t want this to drive us apart. He said if it was that important to me, we would try for a second.
We didn’t try very hard, with regards to timing, but BAM, one month later I was pregnant. I’m 37, and it took a while to get pregnant the first time, so we were both shocked. He is actually a lot calmer during this pregnancy than he was during the first. I will be happy to stop at 2. If something goes wrong with this pregnancy, I’m not sure if we’ll try again or not.