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I mentioned before that my office is being renovated, and now it is finally nearing completion! I plan on (hopefully) being at this job for the foreseeable future (the first time I’ve ever liked a job this much!), so I really want to make my new office my home away from home. I already bought myself a nice wall clock, and I am planning on upgrading some of my desk accessories from the stuff that’s available through our Office Depot business account (womp). Anthropologie has a lot of cute office supplies, but this one in particular really caught my eye. I like the multiple shapes and sizes of the compartment and the overall look of the piece. It is available in gold and bronze and is $48. Codify Pencil Holder This post contains affiliate links and CorporetteMoms may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!Sales of note for 3.28.24
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Anon says
My 4 year old is out of control. He’s an angel when he gets what he wants, but as soon as he doesn’t he has full out temper tantrums that can last for up to 2 hours. We are doing time outs, not giving in, being firm but not yelling … basically everything that you should be doing. But every day is filled with out of control screaming and yelling. We are having a hard time ‘just ignoring’ it too because he’s taken to throwing things. Yesterday, my husband walked in on him at daycare throwing a tantrum because the activity he wanted was full, and our little guy threw a chair. This is totally unacceptable. Everybody else in the family (including his 6 year old brother) is exhausted, and he is controlling the tone and mood of the house. I’ve reached out to his pediatrician for a therapist recommendation, but if any of you have suggestions (or commiseration) I would appreciate it. I sat in the parking lot this morning and bawled my eyes out. This is stressing me out beyond belief.
Anonymous says
How are his verbal skills? Is your ped concerned with his development at all?
Just spitballing- does he get enough exercise? How is the daycare program- lots of outside time or is he inside sitting most of the day? Getting enough sleep?
Not a therapist but I do have a fairly explosive middle child. We have to be careful because it’s easy to give into her when she’s obnoxious and that’s exactly why she does it. She’s not at the the level of your son -no throwing, but sometimes she’ll hit or pinch- but only her sister. And she’s not like this at daycare (yet), but she’s only 3. My 6 y/o just rolls her eyes and we all do a lot of sayings “you get what you get and you don’t get upset.” We also find she needs to eat and sleep more and will have a much shorter fuse if she had a bad night sleep.
Anon says
His verbal skills are very good. There are no development issues at all. He’s never been a good sleeper but we do employ good hygiene if that makes sense. He tends to stay awake even though we do a consistent bed time routine. Since he stays in his room, I haven’t worried much about it but now that I’m thinking about it – he does stay up later than we would like.
Anonymous says
No advice (except that you may want to talk to your pediatrician) but I will say my older son’s spitfire personality has mellowed a LOT from when he was a 4 yo to now. He’s now a 6 yo, doing great in kindergarten, developing a great sense of humor. He’s still a spitfire but it’s much more manageable. The one main change we made was getting rid of iPad since that was a clear trigger for tantrums for him (but he’s still allowed to watch tv).
FVNC says
I think you’re doing all the right things, so I just want to give you a personal perspective for maybe a little hope — I threw *horrendous* temper tantrums, although only at home, until I was about 4 or 5. Uncontrollable crying, screaming, stomping, throwing things — it was terrible. And then they stopped, and I became a pretty even-tempered, well-adjusted kid and now adult. What you’re going through sounds so tough, and a therapist sounds like a good idea, but also (unfortunately) your kiddo doesn’t sound all that unique. I agree with the point about exercise — around the time my tantrums stopped, I started playing an organized sport with practices a few times a week, and that extra activity, plus a physical outlet, does seem to have helped. good luck!!
Katie says
I was coming here to ask a somewhat related question, so I hope I’m not hijacking yours…. How do you teach your kids to manage their (big) emotions? My 7 yo is having a hard time when she gets mad about something, and I’m not a good example of an adult who can manage big emotions nor did my parents do a good job teaching me to do so. What is appropriate? Yelling? Stomping? Hitting a pillow? Obviously throwing things or hurting people is not ok, but neither is bottling it up and holding it in. I know Daniel Tiger says take a deep breath and count to 4. Does that really work?!
OP says
Hijack away! we’re all in this together. I can’t offer any advice though lol
Anonymous says
My husband says, “just try stuff.” With our kids, we have been finding that “ok, let’s make a plan” really helps them get out of the “you are awful because you just said no” mindset. Also, talk to your 7yo! Acknowledge her feelings! I don’t know what will make her feel better, and neither do you. Try taking a deep breath and counting to 4. Try yelling. Try going outside and doing jumping jacks. Try a walk around the block. Try hitting a pillow. Try drawing – “show me how upset you are in a drawing” and let her scribble all over a paper. The most important thing in teaching your kids how to manage emotions is to show them that 1- it is ok and normal to have big feelings, 2- you are a safe place to process those big feelings, 3- we’ll work together to figure out how to move through them, and finally, 4- they are not forever.
So Anon says
I think one of the hardest parts of parenting is witnessing your child have a big, tough emotion and not immediately trying to “fix” it. We are getting a lot of experience (2 kids and me) in having big emotions these days. What I have found helpful is to acknowledge their feelings. Saying something like, “I’m guessing that you are very mad right now! You can tell me if I got that wrong.” Cue the “yes, I’m mad! [Big brother] walked over and knocked down my tower!” “That sounds rough. What happened next?” Just keep talking without telling them it will be ok, that they shouldn’t be mad, or trying to distract them from the feeling/event. If I can truly engage without my own emotions getting involved, I have noticed that the big feelings do eventually get spent. Think about it in terms of venting to a colleague. Sometimes you just need to be heard, told that what you are going through is hard, and asked if you want a hug/cup of coffee/go out for a drink (or kid version). At the same time, I try and be clear that they can be mad/sad/etc. but that I expect a certain level of behavior, even when the big emotion is going on. They want to jump up and down, get on the trampoline, scream into a pillow? Cool. Not ok to hit your brother as he walks by.
avocado says
This is spot-on.
SC says
My kid is only 3, turning 4 next month, but he has big feelings. His tantrums are often intense, and he bites, hits, kicks, and sometimes throws stuff. But they rarely last for long, never hours. Kiddo has sensory issues and some social/behavioral issues, and is in occupational therapy and behavioral/play therapy.
What helps depends on what’s going on with the tantrum. If Kiddo is having big feelings and is truly out of control, he needs our attention and guidance to calm down. If we’re in a busy/noisy place, we have to find a quiet place. Sometimes, we have to remind him that we’re there to help him to get him to stop aggressive behavior. Getting him to take a deep breath helps, but he gets furious with me when I suggest he count to 4. He doesn’t like being hugged when he’s upset, but holding his hands is sometimes OK. Acknowledging his feelings helps, and it’s even better when he repeats them back to me. Sometimes, pointing to a character or scene in a book or TV show helps him identify how he’s feeling.
If Kiddo is mad about not getting his way, but he seems in control of himself, we have the opposite approach–we send or take him to his room and ask him to calm down and rejoin us when he’s ready. It’s sort of a time out because we’re isolating him for the behavior we don’t like, but we don’t frame it as a punishment, and there is no specific time on it. He usually stops the tantrum and rejoins us within 30 seconds to 2 minutes with “I’m ready.” We welcome him back enthusiastically and move on with whatever we were doing before the tantrum. If he threw the tantrum because he didn’t want to do something (set the table, eat dinner, clean up), he has to do that thing first.
SC says
Oh, for addressing the behavioral/aggressive stuff, that depends too. If it’s the out-of-control type tantrum, then mostly we wait until he’s calm and then talk about what happened, what he can do next time that happens, what is and isn’t OK to do when he’s mad. In the moment, we might say, “No hitting,” but he really cannot listen. If it’s the mad-but-in-control type, we say right there, “I’m not going to let you hit me, I think you need to go to your room and calm down, then rejoin us when you’re ready to do X without hitting.”
For preventing tantrums, sleep is super important. Routine is important. Easing into situations–arriving at daycare at snack time (when all the kids are sitting and eating), being the first family to arrive at the grandparents’ house or at a birthday party, all help, but that may be the sensory issues. Being prepared when we go out/to someone’s house with water, snacks, quiet activities, headphones, etc, all help. We need a balance of physical activity and soothing activities.
Anon says
Just want to say you are not alone, and I know how stressful it is, especially because if you’re at all like me your mind goes to “what if something is wrong and we aren’t addressing it early enough!” We have similar issues with our 4 year old, and have discussed it with our pediatrician, even asking about behavioral therapy. It started to get worse when he started at a new school in Sept, and we thought it was related to change. It’s still ongoing, but much less than back in September, and he’s almost 5 so is even more verbal than he was at 4. He’s also developing normally, normal verbal skills, etc. Physical exercise has helped him a lot so we try to walk to school daily and encourage a lot of playground time after school. He’s a sensitive child, and probably always will be, so we have discussed this with his teachers and are all on the same page about how to react, how to help him develop healthier coping skills (it’s okay to get mad and have these feelings, but not okay to throw things, let’s think about what you could do instead, etc.). Advice above about identifying triggers is spot on! I will also note that for my child sleep is a huge aspect of this too – we have really spent a lot of time on getting his night sleep better because it’s even worse when he doesn’t sleep. We find he needs 11-12 hours a night, so we are strict about getting him to bed by 7:30 (even though we all get home at 6 which means it’s 90 minutes of dinner/bath/bed), and have worked with him to figure out what’s the best calming bedtime routine for him (he’s a child who must decompress before being able to fall asleep). Sounds like you guys have a great bedtime routine! If you haven’t already, perhaps talk with him about what he’d like to do before bed so that sleep can come – is there a specific book, or maybe talking with his parents while getting tucked in bed, etc that would help his body calm down and be ready to sleep. Bottom line – are not alone and you’re on the right track thinking about sleep. Good luck!
Anonymous says
I think you are wise to see if professional help can, um, help, but I also want to say that 4 was a really hard age for us. My son is not a tantrum thrower–this is just his personality, nothing we did–but he drove me batty at that age. And I remember my younger brother being a massive pill then too. Good luck!
anon says
My daughter is like this. Emotional regulation has always been her struggle. When she was 4 I got some good tips from How to Talk So Kids Will Listen. Diffusing with exaggeration often works with my daughter. (e.g., “I wish I never had to go to bed, too. I would stay up all night and work in my garden and watch TV. What would you do if you could stay up all night?”) I have to use this technique before she is actually upset, but it does sometimes diffuse situations that would otherwise erupt. I also sometimes have good luck setting expectations about behavior up front. I have had zero luck getting my daughter to help problem solve, but that may be specific to my child. She has issues with being rigid and isn’t good at going outside of her box to solve a problem.
This year she started kindergarten and she was also introduced to the “Zones of Regulation” at school. (You can Google it.) They use colored zones to help kids identify how they are feeling. (Red = Angry; Yellow = agitated; Green = good; Blue = calm or sleepy) These zones help kids identify their feelings and then they talk about ways to get back to green. They do seem to help with my daughter, who is not good at using her words to verbalize feelings. She can sometimes identify when she’s in the yellow zone, headed towards red, and come up with techniques to get back to green. It’s a work in progress.
anon says
Oh, one technique that I use often and always makes my kids laugh is that I respond to impossible demands by looking frantically for my magic wand.
Me: “Oh, you want me to un-cut your sandwich? You didn’t want it cut. No problem, let me get my magic wand. Huh, it’s not in my pocket. It must be here somewhere. [Search frantically, the sillier the better.]”
ER says
Haha definitely stealing this! Major tantrum when I poured milk into my three year old’s cereal bowl yesterday morning – a wand would have been really helpful!
Not quite twins says
I’m so sorry you are experiencing this but I want to offer you hope that therapy may help. Our 3.5 year old has had a very hard time with emotional regulation. We started therapy in August, and things are so much better now. He still gets upset when he doesn’t get his way, but he is now better able to articulate why he is upset. He still has tantrums that last maybe 5 minutes, but 1) he is able to calm himself down, and 2) he often will ask for “space” which is his way of saying he wants to be quiet and process his feelings and not be bothered by anyone. I actually know a lot of adults that aren’t capable of this!
We found a therapist through a personal recommendation from a friend. Unfortunately, where I live many therapists that specialize in younger kids have long wait lists. We were able to get in quickly by seeing a therapist that only allows “self-pay” – ie we pay up front and the Dr doesn’t bill insurance.
The therapy we do includes A LOT of parent involvement (attachment and play therapy). The first few months of therapy were very hard on our kid and me (I take him each week). He now looks forward to going.
We are starting to wind down our sessions (going less often to taper off). I don’t think this is a “cure” and I suspect that my son will need therapy off and on during his childhood (and maybe beyond). It’s so hard to even acknowledge that you want to get mental health help for your kids, because society makes it seem like if you were just a better parent your kid should be able to hold it together. I think of this as just another skill that I am trying to help my kid learn.
lsw says
This sounds so hard. No great advice but just reminding you you’re doing great. I appreciate all the good advice in this thread.
Anonymous says
I also have an explosive 4 year old, who is at the point of being sent home from daycare repeatedly. (Admittedly they are a little over eager on the sending home.). We are waiting for a behavioral evaluation but things that are helping: moved bedtime 15 min earlier; run laps of the driveway before daycare; make him go to the bathroom hourly because he is a nightmare if he even slightly needs to go; increasing breakfast and snacks; sticker chart for good days; WAAAY amping up the parental attention/playing/snuggling when he is not misbehaving. I was very much into natural consequences only a la Janet Lansbury, but we have had to move to extensive time outs for specific unacceptable behaviors (hitting/kicking/squeezing; screaming in someone’s face;spitting; blatant defiance). Like 10+ minutes alone in his room with no toys (does have books and his bed loveys). If sent home from school it’s more like 40-60 min in his room. The total lack of attention is seriously the only consequence that has ever worked. Any toy or furniture that is thrown is taken away for an extended time, too. We are actually seeing a lot of progress!
Anonymous says
These responses are so thoughtful and helpful. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I have a younger toddler who is definitely more on the normal side of tantrum, but I’ve found leaning into whatever you find works, even just a tiny bit, is the best way to go. For my guy “time out” is actually: be held by mommy and suck my thumb. It doesn’t work to ignore or put in time out, he just needs to be held and snuggled and cry. I stopped trying other methods and just go straight to this when the hysterical sobbing starts. For example, because he had to get dressed this morning.
So Anon says
Can someone point me to or know what places a comment in moderation? I asked a question yesterday that was in moderation all day, and I’m not sure what landed it there? I’d like to re-ask, but I do not know what to change to keep the question from going into no man’s land.
FVNC says
I wish I knew! I saw your post, like 10 hours after you’d written it, and didn’t respond because I don’t have good advice…but I saw nothing in it that would have triggered mod. Especially since you’ve posted under the same screen name.
FVNC says
And now I’m in moderation for a comment below, and cannot figure out why…been using the same screen name on here since the s i t e began five years ago….
Lana Del Raygun says
I’m in perma-mod on the main site but not here. I don’t understand it at all.
AnotherAnon says
Me too!
Anon says
M0d on the main s1te is so fast though, comments get released within an hour, often within 15-30 minutes. Here, I think she only checks at the end of the day, so if you get stuck, literally nobody will see your comment.
Anon says
It might have been the ampersand; I think I’ve had trouble with that before.
Anonymous says
Do you have an email address that you always use? Since I started doing that I haven’t had a comment go in mod, despite not using a username.
Deep Anon says
Deep anon for this. After many years of trying and loss and all sorts of horrible things, I am 24 weeks pregnant. I’m very excited, but we found out at the 20 week scan that it’s a boy. And I’m just having such a hard time. I always pictured myself with a daughter, and I can’t even conceive of how to relate to and be close to a son. This is likely to be our only, and I have been working so hard for a month to get excited about a boy but I’m just not getting there. No ballet, no mani/pedis, no prom dresses. I hate sports (so boring) and video games (give me seasickness to watch and I hate the repetitive sounds, not to mention violent themes). I keep trying to remind myself that my husband is wonderful and I relate to him on a very deep level and he’s a man, so it’s possible. He’s also not into sports or video games so that’s possible too. But I feel like this so wanted baby will be an alien to me and we won’t have any relationship at all.
Please tell me about your sweet sons.
Anon says
I’m pretty girly but both my mother and 6 yo daughter (as well as MIL and SIL) have no interest in ballet or nail polish (or clothes or makeup). And even girly me didn’t go to the prom because I wasn’t asked by a boy and my high school GFs didn’t want to go, so there was no prom dress shopping in my house.
There’s a lot of gender stereotyping in your post, and even the most stereotypical boys are into way more than video games and sports. You will find common interests with your kid, I promise. Be grateful for a healthy baby and remind yourself that many people desperately want a healthy child of either sex.
Anonymous says
+1. Both my husband and his brother were music/theater nerds and all their friends were girls growing up. Boys don’t have to be into stereotypical boy things.
Amelia says
I also just want to note the gender stereotypes are there for a reason. You could absolutely have a son that is really, really into sports and video games . . . but you will adapt in a way you never expected.
I alllllllllllways wanted sons. I love sports and HATE all things pink and girly and princess. And I have two girls who are the girliest girls in the entire world. I sobbed when I found out I was having a girl. And, to be very honest, I wasn’t really at peace with it until she was about a year old. And then I just adapted. I still hate girly things and sparkles and baby dolls and all that, but I love watching my girl love them. It’s hard to explain, but I’ve found a joy in it anyway. And while I will never love those actual things, we have bonded in other way. my oldest loves to cook and we explore adventurous new eating together. my youngest loves to sing and we “write” music together.
even if your son loves sport and video games, he will also love something that you love, too. and you will find joy in it. I promise.
Anonymous says
I just want to build off this and add that you might find that while you don’t like sports generally, if your son likes to participate in sports, you might find that you really love watching him play sports. It is just totally different.
oil in houston says
thank you for this. this other 24-week pregnant lady who wanted a girl but has a boy almost cried, good tears
Anonymous says
congratulations on this blessed bay. and I hear you. when I pictured myself as a mom, it was always to a little girl (more specifically, a mini version of me). it didn’t even cross my mind that my children could be boys. truly.
so of course I now have two boys. and I love being their mom more than anything I have loved or ever will love in my life. in fact, when I was pregnant with my second, my husband was the one hoping for a girl, but I had no preference because being a mom to my son had been such a joy so far.
my oldest is a sensitive, sensitive soul. I cant imagine how being emotional/sensitive is a gendered thing when I hear and see his feelings. and he is so inquisitive and joyful. his smile stops people in their tracks and visibly brightens their day. he tells me he loves me and his baby brother dozens of times a day. playing with him is the highlight of my day because I get to hear what he imagines and how he thinks. my baby boy is the snuggliest most affectionate lovebug and a perpetual giggler. they are both obsessed with me. they are so so so close to their dad, but truly, I am queen mommy.
I’m also humbled and motivated by the job of raising my pure boys into good men without a culture of toxic masculinity, so there’s another way of looking at it.
it’s okay to have these feelings, and I don’t want to diminish them, but honestly in six months they will probably have passed for good.
Anonymous says
same poster as at 9:34. to address your videogame/ballet comments too, i’m sure you already know that those are just stereotypes. but to back it up, i’ll share… I was never into quintessentially girly things (refused ballet lessons, actually), and my husband is not a gamer/sports fan. we love superbowl weekend because we have our pick of restaurants that normally require a reservation, as we’re the only family not watching the game. for what it’s worth, my oldest son loves using “his” makeup brush (sans real makeup) to apply makeup with me in the morning.
Pogo says
omg, glad I’m not the only one with a son who does his makeup (sans real makeup) every morning. He also attempts to put makeup on the cat (crylaughingemoji)
PregLawyer says
I have a four year old boy who is also a sensitive soul, and I echo Anon @ 9:34’s third and fourth paragraphs. It’s awesome being queen mommy. And I feel a lot of responsibility raising a son who is a good man, and an ally to women, people of color, and other underrepresented groups.
Anonymous says
I thought I was having a boy and I had a girl. Then I had 2 more girls. We are not trying for a 4th. I NEVER thought I’d be a girl-mom.
Also, i have several friends with an only boy. It’s not all sports and video games at all. One boy is super artsy and does playbrec basketball but also makes his own extremely elaborate super hero costumes, draws his own comic/coloring books, and is really into science stuff. Another family of 2 boys is super into legos and they are building a model boat with their dad. They do bike rides and hikes and work in the garden together.
I think there is lots of room to find overlapping interests. We definately know families that are all sports & fart jokes with their boys but it is nowhere near all of them. And it’s more common in “all boy” families vs just one boy.
Anonymous says
I think you know this but: boys can do ballet. Lots of girls hate it. You don’t have to be an all in sports family if you want. Having a boy doesn’t mean he’ll be obsessed with violent video games. Men and boys can and do appreciate art and music just like women.
I think it sounds like you’ve been powering through an incredible amount of stress and anxiety for a long time and you just can’t do it anymore, which is completely understandable. Call a therapist today. Start talking to someone. There is so much help for your anxiety out there!
RR says
My 11 year old son does ballet and is extraordinarily good at it. It’s kind of awesome to be a boy in ballet because there aren’t as many, and they get tons of opportunities. He also loved mani-pedis when he was younger. All kids don’t fall into stereotypes. Even when they do, as others have said, it’s totally different watching your kid do something. That said, I think it’s normal to go through these feelings. You will be great.
anon says
I have a 2 year old boy and he is THE BEST. Literally, we sit around and talk about what a delight he is after the kids are in bed. Frankly, we also have a girl and we love her to pieces, but boys are fun! And charming! And they are much bigger snugglers than girls in my own and friends’ experiences. Also haven’t you heard the term mama’s boy? I am way closer to my dad than my mom, my husband’s way closer to his mom… I wanted a boy!
Anon says
I think you are confusing sex and gender. I know males who love all the “girly” things you listed and females who love all the “boy” things you listed. You can never predict your child’s personality. If you had a female you might have had a daughter who loved video games and sports!
Anon says
That’s not confusing sex and gender, that’s gender stereotyping. A male who likes ballet is still a male. Someone born male can grow up to identify as female, but that’s a separate issue.
ElisaR says
I didn’t find out gender and was surprised/disappointed when my son was born. So I think it’s good you know now and can adjust to it instead of the surprise on his birthday. I have 2 boys. They are beyond cuddly and sweet. I gave my2.5 year old blue nail polish manicures because he begged for it a few times, I took him to the Nutcracker this year too. I get what you’re saying, but all I can say is that your perception of parenting (hair, mani/pedis, cute dresses, dolls) will likely be nothing like reality (even if you have a girl). You’re going to love love love that little man and not be able to envision life any other way. Sometimes when I walk into clothing stores I get a little pang walking by the ADORABLE clothes on my way to buy more dinosaur shirts…. but I promise you will love parenting a boy.
Anonymous says
But how were you possibly surprised? It’s a 50:50 chance.
ElisaR says
ha ha, true enough. It was my 2nd pregnancy and my first was a boy. Everything was different. I suffered from carpal tunnel the first time and not the 2nd. I couldn’t hold a utensil or pen for 20 weeks of my first pregnancy. I swelled up. I carried higher. The 2nd pregnancy was so different and everyone kept guessing it was a girl including me! I didn’t rationally think it was a girl, but deep down I was convinced. That’s why I was surprised.
anon says
Oh I’m the mom of the delightful 2 year old boy above (and a challenging girl!) and I have to confess, girl clothes are more fun. That is the one thing I’d let go of now.
But my girl is super picky and dresses herself, so ehhhhh.
Anonymous says
This is funny to me, because although I like clothes shopping for myself, I’ve always bought my daughter clothes from the boy’s section. At least at Target/Carter’s (which is where I get all my clothes) they boys always have fairly realistic-looking animals and dinos and spaceships and all these cool patterns and the girls just have like…rainbow sparkly ice cream cones or other random, nonsensical things. It’s not that I’m trying to push back against the patriarchy, I just honestly don’t think the girls clothes are that cute!
PregLawyer says
If you want cute girls clothes (and maybe you don’t!) check out Zara. I’m obsessed with their baby/toddler clothes. They have some great unisex stuff too.
PregLawyer says
Oops, that came off weird. I meant that if you don’t care about what the clothes look like too much and are just going for basics (which is what I do most of the time) then Target and Carters are great. I get a lot of clothes for my daughter from Target/Carters, either new or as hand-me-downs. I get some stuff from Zara every now and then when I some outfits with a little more of the “cute” factor. They’re not too expensive, and I think they do a good job on the styling of their girl clothes.
Anon says
Not weird, I appreciate the rec! I think part of is that there are lots of cute dresses for little girls but I can’t imagine regularly putting babies or toddlers in dresses (I’m sure some people do and enjoy it, no judgment, it just doesn’t seem worth the effort to me). And for playclothes, boy and girl clothes seem fairly similar, at least at the places I shop?
So Anon says
First, it is ok to acknowledge and process that you thought you would have a girl and are having a boy. That response is absolutely ok. It does not mean that you will be a bad mother, that you won’t love your child or anything like that!
Second, I think we all come to motherhood with ideas of what it will be like, whether those ideas surround the gender/s&x of your child, temperament, healthiness, shared interests, etc. And then, no matter what you planned for, the reality is always different. I have found that I am always and forever adjusting expectations and not always in a negative way.
Third, my amazing son. I did not think I could love someone as much as I do this kid. He is 8. He has a wry and witty sense of humor. He is cuddly (more so than his younger sister), and will frequently ask me to cuddle with him on the couch. He is not a fan of sports, but he loves to watch cooking shows with me (and without me lately too!). He and I can spend hours playing board games. He enjoys quiet solitude (sooo my kindred spirit in that way). He challenges me to look at things in new and different ways, and seeing the world through his eyes is a thing of wonder. He and I have been out to a “fancy” dinner and to the symphony together. He is a great runner (did his first 5k this December) and skier. He has ASD, and yet when I’ve had a bad day, he is the first to say, “that sounds really rough mommy. Do you want a hug?” In short, he is an amazing kid and person and I adore that I get to be part of his life.
AwayEmily says
First I want to say that it is OK to feel this way and I hope you don’t feel at all guilty or bad about it. These are valid feelings!
I was also a bit panicked when I found out my second was a boy. I got some great advice on here. But really the thing that helped the most was the baby being born, because here’s the thing. All the male socialization that you are talking about doesn’t start for YEARS. And in that time you’ll get to know him not as “a boy” but as your amazing, kind, hilarious, sweet, stubborn little baby and toddler. And by the time the “boy” stuff starts (if it starts at all — see my second point below) you will be so head-over-heels with him that won’t matter any more. I promise.
Finally, these preferences you laid out (sports, video games) are not inevitable. Your son is a unique person who may or may not like these things, and in addition, YOU have a fair bit of control over how much your son falls into these gender stereotypes. If you don’t like video games, don’t buy him video games. If you want to do mani-pedis with him, then take him to do mani-pedis with you.
GCA says
yes to all of this. I will be honest – I had a boy first and was a tiny bit panicked when I discovered my second was a girl. before the baby arrives, all you know is their sex; afterwards, you discover their personality. my son and my daughter are each sweet, wonderful, adorable, perfect (mom blinders, ahem) children.
but also, you have influence (perhaps not control, but influence) over gender stereotypes. If you want a child who does ballet, send your son to ballet classes! mine (almost 4) loves his dance classes and his tutu, and spaceships and soccer and trains. i’ll routinely catch him humming the tunes from the Nutcracker – which we saw in December. It is up to my daughter what she will be into, when she is old enough to pursue her own obsessions. because it affects her real, grown-up, adult life, I will be pushing back hard on gender stereotypes – for both of them. having a boy is both an amazing privilege and an enormous responsibility – and a chance to make things better for the next generation of women.
AwayEmily says
Good call — “influence” is a much better term than “control.”
anon says
honestly, i would’ve felt the same way as you. its like you are mourning a loss of this idea that you had and you probably feel a bit guilty feeling that way since you tried for so long to conceive. it’s ok for you to feel like it is a bit bittersweet. i actually know of multiple people who went to talk to a therapist for this specific reason. and before other people jump and say that its absurd to need to seek therapy for this – it can be very hard when you have an idea in your head that turns out not to be and the guilt involved. as adults, i know a few men who are only children and they are actually all very close with their parents and their parents play a more active role in their kids’ lives than their in laws.
congrats on the pregnancy!!!!! you’re going to be a great boy mom!
mascot says
I’ve got one 8 year old boy. We had a mom/son weekend recently when my husband was traveling and our activities (which he picked) were as follows- trip to grocery store for snacks/dinner nibbles and snuggle on couch watching movie, soccer practice, mani/pedis for both of us, shopping, and going to the local HS spring musical. Don’t count anything out just because you have a boy- they will surprise you. Also, sports are different when you are watching your kid doing something they love/succeed at. I knew nothing about soccer before my kid started playing it and now I actually like it. We’ve made some good friends as well because you might as well get to know the other parents when you spend so much time together.
Rainbow Hair says
Chiming in on the point about sports. I’d watched colleagues and family members subsume their lives into Junior’s Baseball League or whatever, and even after Kiddo was here I would say to my husband, “we are NOT going to be like that.” And we aren’t — we are still going camping and she’s missing a ballet class, but there is nothing that makes me happier than watching my Kiddo dance (and none of that is because I care about or am interested in dance in general). Just heart-exploding joy when she works and works at something and then she gets it. I am sure it would be the same with soccer or gymnastics or anything else.
Jeffiner says
I was a tomboy growing up, into sports and video games. The last time I wore makeup was at my wedding 7 years ago. Ever since I was a teenager I knew I wanted kids, and I wanted boys. I had no idea what to do with a girl. My only child is a girl. At first I thought maybe she’d be a tomboy too, and we could play Lego and soccer together, but she is the girliest-girl to ever girl. Before she could walk, she was turning her baby ring toys into bracelets. At 4 she has already had more mani/pedis in her life than I have. She finds online tutorials about styling hair and shows them to me. She does like Lego, but only the pink ones. And I love every second of it and can’t imagine what I would possibly do with a boy. Its extremely hard to change the image in your mind when you’ve had it one way for so long, but life kind of falls into place once you get to reality.
H13 says
Congratulations!! I always envisioned having girls and have two boys. Let this baby surprise you. You will know your child in a way you will never know anyone else. But I know what you mean about not truly being able to understand a boy in some fundamental way. I feel this but I also kind of enjoy the mystery. It prevents me from projecting in certain ways. And you never know what his interests will be. I love cuddling up with my five-year-old to watch the Great British Baking Show and have a cup of tea :)
Hoping for a third says
Congratulations! I come from a family of girls and I have two boys. I was very sad (and so was my husband) when we found out the second was a boy. I love my kids to death and echo everyone else’s comments – they are fun, affectionate, smart, kind, artistic.
BUT, I still want a girl. So I am actually thinking of adopting a girl. As much as I love my wonderful boys and am so happy that they have each other, I continue to long for a girl for all the reasons you describe. We have always wanted to adopt (putting gender aside) and the fact that I didn’t get my girl makes me feel even more strongly to adopt.
Anon says
That’s batsh1t insane. You know that a pretty significant percentage of girls are tomboys with no interest in ballet right? Adopting a daughter because you want to experience the mother-daughter relationship is one thing. Adopting a daughter because you want a ballerina is a terrible thing to do to a child.
Anonymous says
Adopt a child because you want a child. Not so you can indulge your fantasy of having a ballet doing manicure getting girl. No child deserves that kind of pressure and if that’s really what you’re looking for you aren’t ready to parent that human.
Anonymous says
I’m so mad at people who think this way. Ballet vs. trucks isn’t a harmless little stereotype about what activities your kids will do. Those same stereotypes lead to girls not raising their hands in class as much and not pursing STEM fields, because they’ve been taught to be sweet little demure ballerinas and don’t believe those things are compatible with the way they’re “supposed to” behave. And they lead to boys not taking on their share of the housework and emotional labor because they’re taught to be macho men who are too busy for parenting and cleaning and should focus on other things. I can’t believe in 2019 we’re still raising kids this way.
Hoping for a third says
Why is everyone assuming that I want my daughter to study ballet? I don’t care if she’s a tomboy, I was too when I was a girl. But I have always wanted a daughter and DH and I have always wanted to adopt from our home country, so why not pair the two together and help out a child???!. Jeez. An artistic, sensitive son is not the same as a daughter, nor should they be.
Anonymous says
Because you said you wanted a girl for all the reasons in the original post, and those are the reasons she gave in the original post.
Anonymous says
Maybe because the OP’s entire post was about gender stereotypes (“No ballet, no mani/pedis, no prom dresses. I hate sports (so boring) and video games (give me seasickness to watch and I hate the repetitive sounds, not to mention violent themes)”). You said you want a daughter “for all the reasons you (OP) describe.” And neither of you said a single thing about why you wanted a girl that wasn’t based on deeply sexist stereotypes. Maybe that’s why?
Hoping for a third says
Oh gosh, my bad. I didn’t proper read OP’s post. To be clear, I want a girl because I want a daughter. Not for ballet, not for manicures. The end.
Wow says
Thanks for your clarification. I hope most of us would agree that it’s fine and normal to want a daughter, as much as you love your sons.
You're fine says
Your statement was fine. I think that some people comment on this issue because they have some deep-seated personal hang-ups about gender. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a girl (or boy). There’s nothing wrong with girls being girly (or being not girly at all). Good luck; I hope you do get to adopt.
Anon says
Her statement was not fine. I have no personal hang-ups about gender. I was born female, identify as female, happen to like a lot of things that are more stereotypically female (but also some that are more stereotypically male) and I wanted (and have) a daughter. But I hate the patriarchy, and the idea that girls = ballet and mani/pedis and boys = sports and video games is incredibly toxic and damaging to both boys and girls.
Anon says
I don’t know! I totally get wanting a daughter. Not sure why everyone’s freaking.
FVNC says
Joining the chorus to say — I was super disappointed when I learned my second was a boy. Like, the u/s tech asked me if something was wrong. But, echoing the comments above, my almost-2 yr old guy is the sweetest, happiest, most joyful kid I have seen. He’s so different from his older sister, who of course we also adore, but who is much more reserved (and also could not care less about stereotypical girly things, despite my best efforts, ha). He’s just HAPPY: constantly smiling, giggling, snuggling. Also, way more coordinated than our daughter so I don’t have to hold my breath every time he runs, thinking he’s going to face-plant. And he loves, loves, loves his mama — yesterday morning as we were cuddled in my bed, I asked if he was ready for breakfast, and picked up his head, looked at me, and said: “more snuggles” and burrowed back into my neck. Take some time to process your feelings, which are totally valid and normal, but know that you will eventually love this baby boy more than you ever thought possible!
FP says
I completely understand. I wanted a girl so much that for my first, I wanted to be surprised on the day of birth, because I knew I’d be sad if it was a boy and I wanted to get that news on a good day. So of course the ultrasound tech slipped and told me it was a boy and I cried my eyes out. I have a wonderful relationship with my mother and wanted so badly to have that with a daughter. I now have two boys and it is AMAZING. They are sweet, sweet boys and like the poster above said – I am ready for the responsibility of raising young men with respect for women and hopefully without toxic masculinity. I love it so much that when I was pregnant with the second and found out it was a boy, I was actually relieved it wasn’t a girl, which is just astounding to me because I thought I would never be in that headspace.
So, understand that you will love your children more than anything, and having a boy is a privilege.
Anonymous says
I have a girl. She quit ballet and loves sports and video games.
Anonymous says
I found out gender bc I wanted a girl. I have a son. He is almost four and I’m so happy I have him. I may not enjoy every moment, but realistically as time passes I enjoy him more and more. He may love trucks, baseball and Legos, but he also likes gardening, dancing, pink and nail polish. Kids are complex and it is fun to get to know their personalities. It is ok to be disappointed but for now maybe it is best to focus on the fact that there will be many facets to your child.
AnotherAnon says
First, I’m sorry for all you’ve been through and congratulations that you’re expecting!
Since you asked: My son is two and I have loved every minute of parenting him, even the challenging times of which there are plenty. He is joyful, sweet, smart, curious and just fun to be around most of the time. He has recently started to enjoy putting on makeup with me every morning. DH and I also hate video games (so many of my acquaintances are video game widows – it’s pathetic), and sports are so boring, I agree. I don’t know what I’ll do when it comes time to enroll him in soccer but we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. Keep feeling your feelings. When he arrives I think you’ll be surprised how much you love that little human.
Anon says
I also went through years of infertility, loss, etc. and was so disappointed when I found out we were having a boy. I think part of it was my brain being unable/unwilling to really just let myself be happy after so many years of disappointment and pain. But I also just had always wanted a daughter.
Now that my son is here I’m so glad he’s a boy and I can’t imagine him being anything else. He is my whole world.
I also think that lots of mothers have closer relationships with their sons than their daughters. The fact that he’s a boy doesn’t mean you won’t be close!
Rainbow Hair says
Something that I think will help, too, is when you meet that baby. It was such a special, profound, deep new way for me to love someone, when I first had my kid. You’ll love him because he’s himself. And then when he’s older, you’ll start to love things because he loves them. One of Kiddo’s favorite toys when she was crawling was this dumb little block (we called it “Littlest Block”) and I have a huge soft spot for a dumb cardboard block because she loved it. I enthusiastically read the same two books about space every damn day, and it’s not because I love space — I love that my kid loves it. She was so excited to meet Donald Duck at Disneyland (who cares about donald?! and especially who cares about someone dressed up as donald?!?) that now I can’t think of him without smiling. Etc. etc. It’s OK to have dreamed of a girl, but I am sure you’ll love your boy more than you can imagine. <3
Deep Anon says
Thank you for the comments everyone. I really appreciate hearing about your wonderful sons and your relationships with them.
I understand that the examples I gave are stereotypes. Please give me some credit here–I’m not a gender essentialist and will offer my son a broad range of activities and experiences regardless of how they’re “gendered.” It’s more that all my close friends are women, I have male friends but the only men I’ve ever been truly close to are my brothers and my husband, and my interests are on the stereotypical female end. I am a not a girly girl, but let’s say a womanly woman. It will be a whole new world for me, and not one I had envisioned entering.
Coach Laura says
I was worried that my son would be too much into “bro culture” but it didn’t happen. My son was really nerdy as a kid and never did the 4-year old fart jokes or the armpit farts or the huge burps. We prohibited video games at our house so while he may have done it with friends later on as a teenager, he didn’t at home. He didn’t like sports (though we did have him play soccer for a while for the team work it teaches) and spent most of his time reading, being out in nature and being with his friends. But we were close and I think almost anything I’d do with a daughter (except mani-pedis) I could do with him. I know that the shock is hard but you’ll get that joy with your son – no matter how he turns out to be.
Anonymous says
I haven’t read the other responses, but I will tell you about my two sweet sons. One is turning 6 in a month, and the other is 2.5 They are such BOYS. They love sports, and vehicles, and the 6 year old is into video games and turns every stick into a gun or a sword. They are baffling to me sometimes, but they are also a delight. Also, IME, watching sports with your sports-obsessed son, or watching your son play a sport is much more fun than just watching a game because it’s on TV.
They’re both cuddly, and loving, and curious, and still play dress-up, ask for me to paint their fingernails, and do dance parties, etc. We had a family trip recently, and big brother and my 4 year old daughter worked out a deal that one would sit by the window on the outgoing flight, and then they would trade on the return flight. Daughter sat next to the window outgoing… and then when we were getting on the flight to come home, she threw an tantrum about sitting in the middle seat. My son let her sit by the window again, and turned to me and said, “I’m just going to let [sister] sit by the window, because she’s really cranky, and I don’t want her to be sad and I know no one else wants to listen to her yell. Besides, mommy, this way I can sit next to you!” Then my husband gave him some candy to say thanks for being awesome, and he shared a piece with his sister.
SC says
I’m super late to this. I have a son, and I promise we exposed him to a variety of toys and experiences regardless of gender stereotype. His main interest/obsession is cars and trucks and trains and things that go. Honestly, I’ve never had much interest in cars or trains or construction vehicles or rescue vehicles. But you find common ground with what they love. He also loves puzzles, and so do I, and I don’t care that we do puzzles with cars or trains in them. We take walks together and point out the different types of cars and trucks, but he’ll also watch the ducks for a while and pick flowers for daddy. We both love Mardi Gras parades (DH will find an excuse not to go, and while we’re there, he’ll find excuses to go back to the house 2-3 times an hour). We both love amusement park rides (DH doesn’t), and I’ve been telling Kiddo that he’ll be my roller coaster buddy for a couple of years.
And even though Kiddo likes cars and trucks and things that go, he also likes helping DH cook, and likes to help me make cookies, and listens to music with DH every morning while they get ready for school, and knows he can bring a book to me anytime.
Basically, my point is, your baby is their own person, and just like with any other person, you find things in common and develop the relationship. I have my limits on “playing fireman,” and I’m exceptionally bad at setting up a train track that connects all the way around (no mechanical skills at all here), but we have shared experiences.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I’ll just echo what everyone else said – I completely get your feelings as I have two boys and I always pictured myself mothering two girls. I’ve realized that a lot of what I was picturing was mostly my own experience as a girl growing up and there is no guarantee that the kids, even if they were girls, would turn out like I imagined (i.e. be like me). I think we all have a vision of what parenthood is like and it rarely matches up to reality. This is just the first step.
Also, anecdotally, my mom is not girly at all. Like I’ve never seen her in a dress in person at all. She doesn’t wear make-up, is into computers and all things tech. I’m girly compared to her, but I also have a hard time relating to girly girls. I’m closer to my mom because we are so different, I think. My husband is so kind, even-keeled, more naturally nurturing, is the cook, tends to be the default parent, etc. in a lot of ways that defy gender stereotypes. My husband is truly my best friend and the only person I can truly be myself around. If my boys grow up to be like him, I think the world will be a much better place :)
Finally, as a former ballet dancer, I saw some messed up things in the ballet world and I personally would be wary of the body issues that it imposes upon girls at a young age. Girl clothes are cute though, I’ll give you that.
Anonymous says
I have no brothers, no male cousins and very few male friends so I had no idea what I was going to do with a boy when I found out I was having a son. He is the sweetest, smiliest, funniest, cuddliest guy! He’s very physical, and roughhousing often turns into cuddle which I love. I also get a kick out of him running laps around the kitchen island and jumping off the arm of the couch because not having grown up around boys I’ve never seen anything like it. I’m not into sports or video games either, but we read together, cook together, clean together (his preference, not mine!), play LEGO together, craft together, and sing and dance together. I also love dressing a boy so much! He loves vests and Converse hi-tops which he calls “boots” and anything with stars on it. Really, I’m so, so glad I had a boy first and would have been happy if he was our only. I secretly hope he’s gay so he doesn’t leave me when he gets married. Kidding. Sort of.
Twin boys says
First, I just want to say that your feelings now are really normal and have no bearing on how much you will love or connect with your kid. FWIW, I really didn’t want twins and wound up with them. Very in love with them and thankful this is how things happened for my family but I had a really hard time with the idea of twins through my whole pregnancy.
I have two boys and have found that I underestimated how much they would enjoy “girly” stuff. They love cooking with me and are very into talking about my nail polish. They have short hair but find it hilarious when I made them tiny pony tails on the top of their heads. They love when I buy them new clothes and try to pick out clothes that match(ish). They love to play baby and make believe taking care of their stuffed animals. They are super active boys who are into very typical boy stuff, but also have fun with things considered girly.
I’ve also been shocked at how much I genuinely enjoy some of these very “boy” things just because it sparks their joy/curiosity. It’s not like my husband is very into construction trucks, race cars or fart jokes either but we both light up when our kids do. You don’t need to already independently like things your kid will to enjoy them with him.
Lastly, there really is something to the special bond between mothers and sons. It lacks a lot of mother-daughter conflict I’ve experienced and seen with my friends, and is full of sweetness and fun.
Wishing you all the best. You’ll be great at giving advice on this to your friends down the line!
ElisaR says
pleading ignorance here. I’m curious – is USC a good school? I’m from the Northeast/NYC and I don’t know anybody who went or applied there.
Anonymous says
Yes it is. It’s not the best school out there but it’s certainly a good school.
ElisaR says
just because it’s being mentioned in the same vein as Georgetown, Stamford, Yale…. is it competitive with those schools?
Anon says
No.
Anon says
It depends on your definition of good. I grew up in the Midwest. The only person from my high school who went there was smart and did well in school, but chose USC because she wanted a party school experience (and wanted to get out of the Midwest). My academically-focused parents would never have paid for me to go to school there, because they saw it as a party school for dumb rich kids, but if you look at the stats it is actually fairly selective. If I was paying $500k to get my kids into school, I’d definitely shoot for an Ivy or Stanford though. ;)
ElisaR says
helpful, thanks. when I heard about the scandal I thought…. “hmmm didn’t Zack Morris go to USC?”
Redux says
Hahaha!
Anonymous says
But don’t forget that he legitimately aced the SAT ;)
Anon says
I’m in California. We call it in the Universoty of Spoiled Children, and some of my Asian friends call it the less-PC “University of Stupid Chinese.” It’s not a terrible school, but admissions is a lot less competitive than Cal or UCLA, which are in turn less competitive than Stanford and Yale. I’m not sure where Georgetown fits in.
Two Cents says
+ 1
I wrote this on the main page as well. What kills me is that Loughlin spent 500K for her kid to go there. For that money, wouldn’t you shoot for Harvard? Or Stanford, where the fixer had an inside connection? I don’t get it.
Anonymous says
Because it’s not plausible or necessary. She didn’t care about her daughter having great credentials and her daughter probably had no interest in leaving LA.
Anonymous says
Then why on earth didn’t she just let her go to one of the zillion other private colleges around? Or buy a building?
Anonymous says
Because a building costs more than 500k, and there aren’t a zillion private colleges in or near LA. Although based on this, there’s clearly unmet demand and Fairfield or Villanova should be looking into creating a West Coast Campus.
Anon says
USC isn’t Cal or UCLA but it is a lot better than Pepperdine and other private SoCal schools. Among a certain wealthy SoCal set, USC is definitely prestigious. Just because it’s not *as* prestigious as some other schools doesn’t mean some people aren’t desperate to get into it.
SC says
I saw a meme yesterday that for $500K, my kid should get into Hogwarts, not USC :-)
Anon says
Ha! I love that.
Anonymous says
This. USC is traditionally thought of as the place you go if you can’t get in to UCLA or Berkeley, especially if your parents have money.
UCLA students used to wear U$c t-shirts (little c is supposed to be a cents sign but I can’t find it on my phone keyboard).
Anonymous says
I know people who went there b/c they were smart and it was in CA and they didn’t get in to Stanford.
OTOH, Rob Kardashian went there. I think therein lies the rub.
Anonymous says
But he’s a brilliant businessman! How could you forget about his sock line? ;)
Deep Anon says
Thank you so much, this is exactly what I need to hear.
Anonymous says
Hugs. This is going to be okay.
Anon2 says
I grew up with all sisters. I desperately wanted a girl. I read on this board about all the moms who felt the same way, but then became boy moms and love it — and I thought, well that’s nice for you, but I don’t think I’ll ever get to that point (blame the hormones!). I now have two little boys and it is so true. They are sweet and amazing and I love being their mom. They are feisty and energetic for sure, but it’s great when dad plays “boy things” with them and I get to sit and have a break! Feel your feelings and take things one day at a time. I promise you will grow to love this version of your life, no matter how overwhelming it seems now!
Super anon for this says
I skimmed the comments above but wanted to add my two cents. DH and I have a 7 yo daughter. We struggled with secondary infertility and had to do IVF. We did PGS testing and decided to implant 2 embryos – a boy and a girl. They both took, but we lost the girl in the second trimester. I was devastated and so was DD because she really wanted a sister. I was having a hard time picturing myself with a son, wondered if I would love him as much as I love DD and be as close to him as I am to her, etc. Well, he was born last fall, and now he is the love and joy of all of our lives. He’s such a happy, easygoing little guy, and meanwhile, DD is consistently rolling her eyes at me, challenging everything I do and say, and just generally acting like a typical tween (although a couple years early). So….it’s ok to be sad at the idea that you may never have a daughter, but once your son is here, I guarantee you will love him more than life itself and wonder why you ever wanted things to be any other way. And CONGRATS on your pregnancy!
Anonymous says
I also skimmed the comments above and wanted to add – my sweet-as-can-be 7yo stepson is equally interested in trucks as he is in my daughter’s barbies. He loves pretend play of any sort. He notices when I get a manicure. He loves helping me cook and whenever he sees me doing chores (laundry, cleaning), he jumps right in with, “how can i help?!” He is an absolute delight and I never thought I would love another person’s child as much as I love this little boy. I was so nervous to become his step-mom, but kids are kids are kids and they just need love. (Watch out for pee in the face during diaper changes though.) You’ll do great. And someday, he might marry a delightful woman so you will have that daughter (in law) you wished for.
farrleybear says
Another happy mama of a boy here. Kiddo is 4 and lots of fun (most of the time)! I’d describe myself as middle-of-the-road in terms of girly–love mani/pedis, clothes, makeup but also love camping, outdoors, and watching sports. I’ve focused on incorporating him into things I love that he seems to enjoy regardless of whether it is seen as typical “boy” activity–cooking, going to library, arts/crafts–while also embracing things he enjoys that are more classic boy (within reason).
Major downside is inevitable phase where boys want to pretend everything is a gun and shoot stuff! Yeah, I’m in the thick of it.
Major upside: A book I read said that being the mom of a little boy is like being in a movie without critics (paraphrasing). And I have to agree–sometimes he does look at me like I’m the most amazing thing ever, which is just sweetness:)
High Pitch Voice says
My son (I posted above as So Anon) is 8 and has hit the point where his voice is super loud and high pitched. Little due is amazing, but man, his voice can grate on me like nothing else. How long does this last? I feel bad for telling him to turn his volume down when he is just excited. Any suggestions for how to handle this high pitched period?
ElisaR says
video tape it so when it’s gone you can remember it….
lsw says
I laughed out loud.
Anonymous says
Uhhhh you can def tell him “indoor voice please” and “12 inch voice please”! That’s how the phase passes. You teach him how to moderate the volume of his voice to be appropriate for the circumstances
EB0220 says
My 7 year old is in this phase too. I Just say “indoor voice” and if I need her to be really quiet, I say “It’s time to be a ninja.” That seems to work well enough.
AwayEmily says
awesome.
Anonymous says
He probably doesn’t realize how loud he is being, and he needs to learn to modulate his volume and tone or he will annoy and alienate his peers. Just remind him to use his indoor voice, in a positive way. “I can tell how excited you are! You need to use your indoor voice.”
anon says
how much do people spend on bday gifts for kids parties? we are just started to get invited to birthday parties for the babies from our baby class. we don’t actually plan on having a bday party. we also have twins – should i be spending double? my plan is once they are older, they will each bring a gift to the party, but right now they aren’t even 1 yet…
Anonymous says
A book. I give a book and only a book to every child. No parent wants a house full of toys. Start low, don’t escalate.
AwayEmily says
Same. I ALWAYS get a book. Usually one from the grocery store since that’s where I am most often. Now that my kid is older (3) I let her pick out the book for her friend. My one concession to social norms is that if she picks an especially lame one (ughhhh Thomas the Tank Engine), I include a little note saying “[daughter] picked this out herself” so her terrible taste doesn’t reflect on me :-)
Anonymous says
Yes and as they get older it’s a really nice way to teach them how to think about what someone else would like.
H13 says
I think a book is great for that age. I try to stay under $10. If I see a good deal on something, I stock up.
P.S. Yeti in My Spaghetti is on sale for just over $6 on the ‘zon today. I bought three to stash away.
anon. says
WIMMELBOOKS! they are the absolute most amazing books. Like some of the commenters above, I watch for sales and keep a stash.
aelle says
Are you referring to the series by Rotraut Susanne Berner, or are there more similar ones out there you’d recommend? We are hugely into the seasons books at 20 months, and I can see how they would work on multiple levels for many more years. Really excellent toddler / kid lit.
OP says
Should i give 2 books since we have twins?
Anonymous says
Not necessary at this point. When they get older they will probably each want to pick out a book.
anon says
The status quo in my area is $20, and siblings don’t change that. (One year, my son got 4 of the same lego fire truck, because he had a lego fire truck themed party and it was $19.99 at Target.) If I’m bringing more than one kid, I sometimes will go over, more in the range of $25-$30, but not two presents worth.
anon says
The best gifts my daughter got for her first birthday were a sippy cup and a helium balloon. Both cost less than $5 and don’t clutter up my house. I also re-gift bath toys, we don’t need any(more) bath toys, but I appreciate the gift b/c then I have something to re-gift.
AnotherAnon says
Thanks everyone for your empathetic and thoughtful comments on potty training yesterday.
Anon complaining... says
Starting the registration process for my soon to be Kindergartener and again the invisible/mental workload is slapping me in the face. Highlighted even more because my husband just started a new job and his commute has changed, putting more drop off and picks on me, and he’s working longer hours, putting more of the daily routine on me. And the cherry on top (to mix my metaphors) is HE gets defensive and argumentative right after he’s completely dropped the ball on something before I even have a chance to comment on it.
I am asking him (over text, so it’s in writing, then following up in a conversation) to take on certain discrete tasks that shouldn’t take him any longer than me to do, like dental visits and calling the insurance company, in an attempt to push some of the burden his way. We’ll see how that goes.
Just a vent, mostly, because I know part of the problem is me not communicating, but since he ranges from either non-responsive or hostile to most of the ways I try, I’ve given up. He also refuses to do counseling.
avocado says
This sounds frustrating. My advice would be to stop delegating one-off tasks (e.g., calling the insurance company about an issue) and agree with him about who is responsible for each broad category of tasks, then let him handle his responsibilities entirely on his own without your participation. Just asking him to do individual tasks doesn’t really reduce your mental load, as you still have to think about which tasks to delegate, tell him how to do them, and then follow up to ensure they are done.
For example, in our house I am in 100% in charge of health insurance and medical bills. I run the numbers at open enrollment time to figure out which health plan will best meet our needs, read all the EOBs, pay the bills, and submit flex spending paperwork. My husband does not need to worry about what bills are due when or follow up with me to ensure that they are paid or submitted for reimbursement. My husband’s car was recently hit while parked, and he is 100% responsible for dealing with that. He called the driver who left a note, talked to the insurance company, arranged for the repair and rental car, and dropped the car off to be repaired. I did not have to do anything, think about anything, keep track of anything, or follow up with him to ensure it was done. The car just appeared back in the garage with the dent gone.
Anon complaining... says
TAgreed — and thanks for the reminder/comment. I’ve been avoiding it, because it requires more mental energy, but I really do need to make a list these broad catagories and have him pick a certain number and those be his things.
CCLA says
I’d push back on the problem being you not communicating – one of the main points of the emotional/mental labor issue is that telling people what needs to be done is itself a lot of work. I think it finally hit my husband when I pointed out he never has to – and never does – remind me or otherwise be involved with my getting things done that are on my plate, they just get done without his involvement. The adult-to-adult assistance in determining what needs to happen is completely one directional. It’s so hard with kids because in most cases where they are involved I am not willing to just deal with the consequences if the ball is dropped, which would otherwise seem like the most direct way to change behavior (natural consequences, as it were). I’ve seen others on here suggest tracking everything that one does, and we are going to try that. Not in a score-keeping competitive way, but in an attempt to better understand what each of us does that the other may not be aware of. Good luck, you’re not alone.
Anon complaining... says
Yea, I hate the “if you just tell me how to help, I’d help” response I get, because I don’t want to be managing another ADULT. And it’s not all about me being a control freak about what our daughter wears.
And I’ve dropped the ball on some things, but like you said, I really can’t do that if it’s her dentist appointment.
I’m trying to figure out how to make tracking what we each do not turn into bean counting. We have some time on Friday to ourselves, so maybe that’ll give us a chance for me to bring this up.
CR says
We struggle with this in my house, too. One strategy that’s helped is that I’ve tried to identify the tasks that my husband is legit better at than I am — or would be if he really took responsibility. Dentist is a good example, since the dentist gives me anxiety. He’s the better choice for giving our kid a healthy, positive experience, so duh, he should be the parent in charge. Another thing that helped was that I finally decided I was tired of fighting for fairness/parenting equality and just needed shiz to get done, so I hired a personal assistant 5-10 hrs/week. This wonderful but the surprise was that after she got a different job and left my husband got much better about doing his share. I’m not sure why but it’s definitely happened.
Supplementing for daycare says
My LO is 7 months and the stress of trying to pump enough milk every day is starting to weigh on me. I’m ready to start supplementing with formula. Logistically, how do I do this?
What I want is to continue pumping but limit it to 3x a day and not stress about it when I don’t have enough ounces. Right now I’m sending 5oz bottles to daycare. Do I send another bottle with formula? How do I figure out how much to send?
Also, should I get special baby water to mix with formula or is tap water ok? Does anyone supplement with solid foods at daycare instead of formula?
I know these sound like stupid questions, but I’m clueless on this and overwhelmed!
Anonymous says
I just sent a can of powdered formula and some empty bottles to day care. They mixed formula and filled bottles as needed and sent the dirty bottles home.
Anonymous says
This varies by daycare. Ours would not mix bottles so it’s worth asking how they want to handle.
Anon says
I think the UK and Canada still advise boiling water, but in the US everyone I know who formula feeds uses regular tap water (or ready-to-feed formula). My daughter started drinking plain tap water around 6 months anyway, so I don’t know why it wouldn’t be ok to mix with formula. You can send powdered formula to daycare and have them make bottles there.
Anonymous says
If you send 5oz of breastmilk then send another bottle 5oz formula. My DD never increased bottle size. No you do not need nursery water, we used tap water. I figured the fluoride is good for her. Breastmilk and formula should still be the main nutrition at this point so I wouldn’t drop a bottle just yet for solids, but my daycare would do like one feeding of solids around lunch and then a bottle before nap around that age
ElisaR says
not stupid at all! I cut one pumping session and pumped 2x at work and asked them to give a formula bottle for the third (6 oz each). For my first son I used bottled water or filtered from home. For my 2nd son I was like “eh whatever” and usually did the filtered but if not I know they just used tap water. Bottled water is easy to just grab though, so there’s that. I sent the formula measured out in advance to daycare so they could just add it to the water I already had in the bottles. I found this container helpful for it (link in following comment)
anon says
i specifically asked my pediatrician about tap water (US) and she said it was totally fine. there could be some location variation. if your child has never had formula you might consider attempting the switch over the weekend. some kids don’t like the way that formula tastes, so you could try to just give a bottle of formula and see if baby takes it, but if your LO doesn’t like it, you might have to start slow – like 1oz formula, 4 oz breastmilk, then 2/3, 4/1 etc. i would also start with a small container of formula in case the particular formula you start with does not sit well in LO’s stomach. Good for you for deciding to supplement! It really takes the pressure off
Anonymous says
Oh yes…definitely do the switch slowly it’s hard on their tummies. And you may have to try out a few different formulas. We tried switching once and DD broke out in cradle cap (which she never had before)
Lana Del Raygun says
High-five! Pumping is wack and I salute you for not piling pressure on yourself.
You don’t need special or boiled water for a baby older than 3 months unless s/he’s somehow immunocompromised (or you don’t have safe tap water), per the CDC. If your daycare will mix formula, it seems easiest to me to just send the powder and some empty bottles so they can figure out how much she needs.
Anonymous says
Don’t say this. It’s just as shaming to working / pumping moms as if someone shamed supplementing which is absolutely shunned here.
Anon says
What?? I’m not Lana, but she’s responding to someone who has said she wants to stop pumping and Lana is commenting supportively of that decision. She’s not telling someone who wants to pump that they should stop. This is no way “shaming” the OP or anyone else.
Anonymous says
“Pumping is wack.” Not nice. Sorry, you’re wrong here.
Anon says
The OP said she hates pumping!!! Lana was clearly sympathizing with her that it’s annoying, which is sentiment shared by every single person I know, regardless of how long or how much they pumped. Good grief, you’re insane.
Lana Del Raygun says
I don’t mean “pumping is bad, don’t do it” and I’m sorry if it came across that way! I mean “pumping is optional and unpleasant, don’t feel bad about not doing it,” that’s all.
Supplementing for daycare says
I don’t think that’s how it was intended. Breastfeeding and pumping are so different – I don’t know anyone who really enjoys pumping.
I don’t *want* to supplement necessarily, but I’m accepting that I need to because my supply seems to have dropped and my stress levels have been really high from counting ounces and working in late night pumping sesssions, etc.
I wish I could breastfeed exclusively without pumping, but that generally doesn’t work for working moms, for obvious reasons.
Lana Del Raygun says
Yeah, me too! Actually in my ideal world I would nurse except for one bottle of formula at night while I sleep, lol.
AwayEmily says
I found that the more you can put on daycare’s plate in terms of strategizing, the better (as long as they are willing). I didn’t even bother putting breastmilk in bottles — I just sent whatever I had pumped the day before in the pumping containers, along with a few empty bottles. I instructed them “use up the breastmilk first, and then switch to formula if necessary.” This freed up daycare to make some judgment calls and helped minimize any breastmilk waste — like, I know that if he ate a whole bunch of yogurt for breakfast they’d sometimes start him with a smaller bottle.
The more you can free yourself from doing milk math, the better.
Anonymous says
Tap water is totally fine! In terms of what to send, it depends on your daycare/state as to whether they’ll mix it for you. Ours would (and provided formula powder) so every morning I’d just tell them at drop off “I brought 4 milk bottles today, so give them 1 of formula” or “only 2 bottles of pumped milk, so plan on formula for the other 2 feedings”. They kept one empty bottle per baby there and washed it between uses.
We had combo-fed, exclusively bottle fed twins and always gave them the same volume whether it was milk or formula, so if you have to mix it at home, stick with sending 5 oz. My kids (and I think most kids) dropped their afternoon bottle in favor of solids first, so you can ask your daycare to have the afternoon feeding be the formula one, if you want.
CR says
At 7 months, I sent food along with the bottles of breastmilk. I had made my own food and it was all mixed with breastmilk at first. Just wanted to say that I had this problem at 7 mos and my lactation consultant told me to pump for 15 minutes when I woke up. Sometimes I’d only get an ounce but 1) that adds up and 2) it improved my supply. Plus, this was rare “me” time where I read The New Yorker and relaxed.
ElisaR says
https://www.amazon.com/Munchkin-Formula-Dispenser-Combo-Colors/dp/B000RFCXIK/ref=sr_1_24?keywords=formula%2Bcontainer&qid=1552580343&s=gateway&sr=8-24&th=1
ElisaR says
sorry this was for “Supplementing for daycare”
Rainbow Hair says
There’s no way to (kindly) get someone to stop spamming the group text with baby pics, is there? I love a good baby pic now and then, but it feels like any time there is a discussion about anything but her/her baby, whammo out of left field comes a picture of her baby!!! and … it’s fine, it really is, but then it feels like we all have to acknowledge and compliment and maybe I just wanted to finish hearing my friends’ thoughts on the topic we were discussing, y’know? (Also baby is like 6 months old now, so it has been a lot.)
Strategy Mom says
I don’t think so :( If they aren’t self aware enough to realize no one else is sending out baby pics, there’s prob no way to get them to realize it’s too much without offending them. Stop complimenting the photos though! Or just do a “thumbs up” reaction. As long as they get the positive reinforcement with compliments, they’ll keep doing it and think everyone likes it. Or reply to the prior topic that was discussed. That will test how self aware they are. That’s my take! I’m dealing with a similar friend – no one else shares photos ever.
Blueberries says
Are you all on iPhones? You could suggest she put the photos on a photo stream with all of you so you can have them all in one place. If you’re not on an iPhone, I’m sure there’s some other album service you could use.
aelle says
On Whatsapp? Create an identical but separate group chat just for baby pics. Then feel free to mute that one. My friend group has multiple chats going on for separate topics, we’re steps away from reinventing message boards.
Wonder Park says
Has anyone seen the movie Wonder Park? Would it be okay to take my three year old this weekend? Thanks!