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This Honor Dress was a big hit when I featured it over at Corporette a while ago, and now it’s on sale. I love the sleeves, pooch-friendly ruching, and the fact that it’s machine washable. It’s part of the HUGE Boden sale — tons of washable workwear, including this dress). It was $118, but is now marked to $82-94; it’s available in black, blue, and green in regular, petite, and long sizes. Honor Dress (L-all)Sales of note for 5.5.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase (ends 5/12); $50 off your $200+ purchase (ends 5/5)
- Banana Republic Factory – Spend your StyleCash with 40-60% off everything, or take an extra 20% off purchase (ends 5/6)
- Eloquii – $19 & up 300+ styles and up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Shirts & tees starting at $24.50; extra 30% off sale styles
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – 40% off full-price styles & extra 15% off; extra 55% off sale styles
- Nordstrom: Nordy Club members earn 3X the points on beauty; 30% off selected shoes
- Talbots – 40% off one item & and 30% off everything else; $50 off $200 (all end 5/5)
- Zappos – 27,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – 40% off everything & extra 20% off select styles with code
- Hanna Andersson – Friends & Family Sale: 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Crewcuts – tk; extra 30% off sale styles; kids’ styles starting at $14.50
- Old Navy – Up to 75% off clearance
- Target – 20% off women’s clothing & shoes; up to 50% off kitchen & dining; 20% off jewelry & hair accessories; up to $100 off select Apple products; up to 40% off home & patio; BOGO 50% off adult & YA books
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
CHL says
I ordered this and it was super cute but I didn’t find it really matched a need in my current life. It was a little too S E X E Y for work and my social life these days mostly involves pants with a lot of spandex and gym shoes. If you are really slim up and down, it could probably be more work appropriate.
Katala says
I don’t really get “pooch-friendly ruching” on a dress like this. Maybe it’s the maternity clothes, but I feel like ruching just accents a belly and draws attention/makes you look possibly pregnant.
Closet Redux says
Ditto. I can’t wear ruching anymore after having lived in it while pregnant. It screams maternity section to me.
Anon in NYC says
Yep. I wouldn’t wear ruching if not pregnant.
Baby presents says
For moms of more than one kiddo– I am starting holiday shopping. I’ll have a 3 y/o and a 6 month old by the holidays and I need some ideas for the little one. Mostly, I want Big Kid to see Little Kid getting pre sot so I’m fine with wrapping up stuff I’d buy Little Kid anyway and calling it a present. We have all the typical baby toys (shape sorter, music cube, rings, soft blocks, duplos, stacking cups, etc etc etc) and books, so I’m looking for ideas of joint presents, or things that you got along the way that were fun for babies that mine might enjoy.
I’m also going to have to provide suggestions for relatives, ugh, so i’ll take whatever you’ve got! So far, I’ve got a long list for the older kid, a few joint ideas (sand/water table, easel, movies, etc) but can’t think of a thing for JUST the little one.
Baby presents says
Oh, we could use new bath toys–any good suggestions?
Pigpen's Mama says
The Boon bath toys have been a big hit with my 2-yr old — specifically the boats, gears and tubes, although they all look pretty cool!
http://booninc.com/categories/bath
Pigpen's Mama says
Or as they are called on their website — the stacking boats, cogs, and pipes
SC says
Specifically on bath toys, my son loves the foam letters and numbers he received last Christmas. At first he just chewed on them, but now he loves sticking them on the sides of the bathtub. And I like making short words with them, even though I know he doesn’t really understand (he’s 17 months old).
Does the 6 month old have a special stuffed animal or lovey yet? We introduced one to my son around 6-8 months, I think. If s/he doesn’t have one yet, you could buy (or make, if that’s your jam) a special stuffed animal or blanket or whatever you prefer.
You probably have some hand-me-downs, but clothes are a good option, particularly if your kids were born in different seasons (maybe you need a warmer coat if Kid 1 was 6 months old during the summer), of if your kids are different genders (esp. if Kid 1, like many first kids, received a lot of gender-specific clothing from family).
Last idea – are there any toys or books that are pretty beat up or worn out that you could replace? My 17-mo has been pretty rough on his stuff. He chews everything, tears flaps out of books, loses puzzle pieces, etc. It’s a sign of the item being well-loved, but I’ve always thought that if we have another kid, we’ll have to buy him or her some toys and books of their own.
PhilanthropyGirl says
Tupperware released a new version of their Noah’s Ark (or, if you prefer, a boat with some animals and people). It is the number one most played with toy in my tub. We also got a tube of large plastic sharks that are also popular.
For my sister’s second she started adding some Montessori style things; she didn’t have much of that with her first and she thought it was a great addition because it was different for #2. The Manhattan Skwish toy was great, as are Learning Resources animals – similar to Toobs, but the jumbo size (in spite of what Amazon says) seem sized appropriately for baby. Grimm also has wonderful wooden toys – we love our rainbow stacker.
Around 6 months I bought my kiddo an object permanence box – which was very popular for quite a while. Hedstrom has a very nice set of sensory shapes.
I second SC’s idea for replacing worn-out things like pop-up/lift-the-flap books that seem to get beat up, puzzles with missing pieces, worn out Sophie the Giraffe, whatever may need updating or upgrading.
NewMomAnon says
For toys: a push-pull toy, musical instruments, trike, tent, tunnel, play food.
Non-toys: clothes and sneakers, baby eating utensils and sippy cups. I think I also gave my kiddo baby snack foods as stocking stuffers (although she was older at her first Xmas and eating with gusto already) – little cups of puffs, a bag of melts, pouches of puree. And consider CDs of lullabies and kids songs (if you still have a CD player) or iTunes gift cards if you don’t (I know, buying a gift card for a baby is the same as buying a gift card for yourself…).
Faye says
Yookidoo makes cool bath toys – the flow n fill spout is awesome. Little People also has some cool bath toys.
Do you have a good collection of Little People? Ask for a set or two of those. They can be “for” Little One but both can play.
Do the kids already have chairs like the Pottery Barn chair? Those are a big hit in our house.
Other ideas: animal rocking chair (like the Rockabye Rocker), play food, giant crayons and a big coloring mat, sit and spin, push around buggy, and those brilliant basics puzzles.
CLMom says
We’re thinking about a daycare change from a large, corporate daycare that is a 2 min walk from my work, to a home daycare setting where she hopefully will pick up a second language and we’ll save thousands of dollars a year, which we would notice at our income level. Downside to a switch is I lose my lunchtime visit and carpool buddy, adding about 15 min to my hour-long commute. Upside to a switch I think she will get better care in a smaller setting. She is such a good baby that she doesn’t require much attention, so I don’t think she’s getting it currently. I think she gets lost amongst the more needy babies.
I know I didn’t ask a question, but I would like to solicit any feedback. I know yesterday there was the discussion about food v. distance, and that’s a factor too.
Ugh…It’s tough to feel confident about ANY decision. You want the best, but it’s hard to know what that actually is. Everything is a tradeoff it seems.
anne-on says
How old is your child? Your situation may be different, but the experiences that friends had in home daycares was that they generally LOVED it when their kiddos were tiny, and were less enthusiatic when their kids were bigger because the activities leaned heavily towards the smaller children. So, the 2’s class at my bigger daycare was doing lots of painting/water play/outside time/tag, but the in-home daycare with just 1 or 2 teachers couldn’t necessaily do that b/c it wasn’t as safe/fun for the toddlers/babies .
But honestly – do whatever works best for you/your family – it doesn’t sound like either option is bad, and budget is a huge, very real concern.
CLMom says
11 months
And, yes, I’m thinking that when she’s closer to pre-school age, we might want more structure than a home daycare.
Anon in NYC says
I was just dealing with this choice – almost the exact same issues (significant savings, convenience, etc.). My daughter is 16 months. We decided to keep her in the larger corporate daycare until she at least turns 2. The primary reasons are:
1) We were worried that she would be bored in the home daycare setting because she would be with kids ages 0-2 initially. She’s doing so many activities in the larger daycare that I just don’t think the home daycare could do. And she’s learning so much from the older kids in her classroom.
2) We were worried about too many changes (which may not be applicable for your situation). The home daycare has two separate locations. One for ages 0-2 (convenient location), and one for ages 2-4 (less convenient location). So if we had switched her now, she would have changed locations/teachers again in a year. And we are going to consider sending her to preschool when she turns 3, which would be yet another change. It just seemed like a lot of changes in a fairly short period of time. The large corporate daycare that we have now does have a preschool, so if we wanted to send her to that preschool, nothing would really change.
3) While both daycares are regulated by the state, my husband and I just felt a little more reassured about the amount of oversight that exists in the large corporate daycare.
NewMomAnon says
How hard is it to get back into a bigger center when baby is older? I didn’t love the infant classroom at our big corporate center and would have liked to switch kiddo to a smaller care setting, but the toddler and preschool classrooms have been AMAZING. Like, I could not imagine an in-home daycare setting offering the lessons in diversity, boundaries, and independence that I’ve seen my kiddo learn at the center, and I’ve watched her just absorb all the challenges thrown at her by being around older kids and learning along with them. She wasn’t a “good baby” per se….but she’s a curious, eager, enthusiastic kid and has developed really strong ties with her toddler and preschool teachers.
CLMom says
Maybe I should visit the older rooms. I have to give credit to the large corporate daycare. I get an art project every month, which is infinitely more than I otherwise would have.
TK says
I investigated all options for little TK, and decided on a larger center because of answers from smaller providers to the following questions:
What is back up plan for when home daycare provider is sick?
Do you go on vacations and/or close down around the holidays?
Answers to the first were generally, “we’re closed” or “we figure it out the night before / day of.” Um, no.
Answers the second varied, but in general there were at least 3 weeks a year where the home daycare would plan to close (spring break, holidays, provider vacation, etc.) No deduction from tuition during the weeks it was closed. Those three weeks would swallow up my own vacation allotment.
Other concern with home based center included less stringent background checks (or at least less oversight thereof).
SC says
Oof. And TK just reminded me of the major con to our daycare. It’s pretty large, but it’s associated with a school so follows the school schedule. That means they are closed for teacher work days, holidays (including Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur this month), 3 days for Thanksgiving, two weeks for Christmas, one week for Mardi Gras, and one week for spring break. We have family nearby who help, my parents are going to visit for a week at Christmas, we’re going to take a week of vacation for spring break, but there are still so many days off I haven’t figured out yet.
CLMom says
Hmm. That reminds me of how I was able to bring my daughter in last minute on a Monday when my mom was sick (Monday’s is her day to babysit).
Meg Murry says
Yes, I didn’t want to go with a home based center because I like that daycare has multiple adults available, whereas all the home based centers in my area were 1 adult with no backup additional adults. I grew up with what would now probably be called a nanny share and then an in-home daycare. I like that at daycare the classroom teacher’s primary responsibility is to take care of and play with the kids, period – there are other adults there who clean the center, prep the food, answer the phones, etc, whereas the home based care I went to was basically a SAHM who took in extra kids and she also was juggling running the rest of her household while caring for kids (making lunches and then cleaning up after, answering the phone, starting to prep dinner when we were still there, etc) and she had no extra help to call on if one of the kids was extra needy that day.
Now, to be fair, my in-home care was fine, and it definitely had it’s pros too (more of a family atmosphere, I had older kids to look up to and learned to help take care of the younger ones, etc). And I know it was a lot cheaper than what I pay for daycare now, which made a major difference to my parents. Plus, unlike daycare where a fever of 100 degrees or a mild rash = sent home and 24+ hours of no daycare, many at in-homes can still attend while mildly sick like with a low fever.
But I’d ask about the calendar or how often an in-home is closed – you don’t want to transfer and take trade-offs to save money, only to then have to pay for backup care or burn through all your vacation time and not end up ahead after all.
SC says
We switched from a nanny to daycare in August. I know it’s different than your scenario, but I’ll second NewMomAnon’s amazement at the variety of activities offered at daycare. We LOVED our nanny and switched mainly for budget concerns. But Kiddo is happy at daycare, and the variety of activities and play they do amazes me–it’s much more than a Pinterest-obsessed mom or amazing, conscientious nanny or at-home daycare could provide. Of course, there are pros and cons to everything, but I’ve been surprised and happy with this aspect of our daycare.
Katala says
We’ve had a nanny for our 17-month-old and at around 12-13 months, we really started feeling like he needs to be in daycare for the activities and socialization. You’d get some socialization at a home daycare, but soon your kid might be the oldest. A big reason for us wanting to switch is the enrichment/activity factor. Nanny does the same exact thing with him every day unless we plan something for them and I know he could be learning more and be more stimulated.
Just to say, at 11 months you’re likely on the cusp of wanting different things out of your care provider and the good baby, therefore less attention aspect (which we definitely felt would happen with ours) becomes less important as they get more mobile/vocal/opinionated.
SC says
Katala, that’s interesting. Kiddo was around 15 months when he actually switched to daycare, but we decided on the switch and paid the deposit around 12-13 months. Around that time, we started to look forward to the socialization/activities, but I thought that maybe it was confirmation bias or looking for the silver lining because we were sad about letting our nanny go.
Katala says
We moved and thus changed nannies at 13 months, and we won’t be sad about moving on. But #2 is on the way and we’re looking to buy a house so we’re kind of in limbo and sticking with the so-so nanny for now. Interesting how much feelings about the nanny/current care influence feelings about the next stage.
MDMom says
Agree that in the toddler years, the activities provided at a good daycare become really important. The biggest benefit of in home daycare is the ability to have custom nap schedules for babies, plus sometimes more flexibility re hours and illness.
In my state, the idea that there is otherwise more attention is…questionable at best. You can have up to 8 kids for 1 caregiver, no more than 2 under 2. For daycare center, it’s a 1 to 3 ratio under 2. So one person with three babies pays less attention than one person with two babies and 6 toddlers? Uh doubtful in my opinion. All in home daycares are different and all state regs are different. If you do go in home, find out about backup care, outdoor time, screen time, and do your own background check of caregiver as much as possible- don’t rely on state licensing. Regulation is very minimal in most states and mostly complaint driven, not proactive, once initial license is obtained. Find out about others in the home who may have access to kids (adult children of caregiver, etc).
Em says
+1. My son is 7 months and our daycare does outdoor time every single day (weather permitting). They also do tons of sensory activities (playing with feather dusters, pans, mirrors, etc.), paint multiple times a week, and do water play every week. My sisters kids are in an in-home daycare and she was super shocked when I mentioned one of the art projects his daycare sent home (in full disclosure I mentioned that I trashed it, because while I am thrilled he is getting the experience, I draw the line at keeping all of my infant’s paintings). Does a 7 month old need to paint? No. Is it probably great for their development? Yes. This is one of the main reasons I refuse to feel working mom guilt. When he is home with me we mostly look at light up toys and occasionally read. There is no way I would come up with activities like that on my own.
Navy Attorney says
So I’ll provide another perspective. We did an in-home through age 3, and then moved DD to preschool at age 4; in hindsight she was probably ready for preschool at age 3 1/2 since she was then the oldest. But it wasn’t a big deal.
Our in-home does art projects, goes to the library every week, teaches table manners and respect for elders, takes them for long walks, and if they don’t go on walks they play in the backyard for a long while; granted, YMMV. At preschool she goes outside much less. DD had the same caregivers and wasn’t constantly switching classrooms; in other words, it was more stable.
The constant stimulation at preschool is a bit much for such little kids and they come to expect to always be DOING instead of just hanging out. If I could work shorter hours I would; when we telework we pick her up as soon as the formal part of the school day is over. For DD #2 we’ll send her to PT preschool at age 3.
anon says
So much depends on the individual center/home-based place and the personality and strengths of the director. My son went to 2 different “in-home” daycares where no one actually lived. They have never ever shut down because someone was sick as they have at least 4-5 different providers there every day. The first one was segregated more by age than the second one was. Both did outside time every day. The second one, which he attended starting around 15 months, did craft projects, weekly music class with an outside teacher, and things like making cookies. It was not segregated by age, and due in part to the introduction of universal preK, no longer has many 3 and 4 year olds. So my son was not as into it at age 3. However, a lot of home based places in my area have different locations for different ages, so that may be less of an issue at other sites. I’ve never used a corporate daycare, but from what I’ve read on this site one big difference is less information from the providers about what happens on any given day (this may also be because my husband does pick up and doesn’t ask a lot of questions) at the home-based center, and less formality/rules/procedures as well. Our old daycare is super flexible about hours, allows alumni to come in on days schools/preschools are closed, and is almost never closed.
CLMom says
Baby’s first birthday is in a month (already!) and I would like to skip the opening of presents section. Is that common nowadays? Is it rude?
I mentioned it to my mom and she was surprised and bummed out.
AnonMN says
I think this is common if you are doing a really large friends plus family event, with the caveat that grandparents typically get to see the opening of their present (before or after the party). In our area, smaller first birthday parties always include present opening. Later years, especially when kid friends start coming/and or the child is old enough to state opinions but not old enough to be polite do not include opening.
CLMom says
It’s going to be close family and close friends, which will still be about 30-40 people (if you include kids).
AnonMN says
I’m curious to see what others say, but I would still do an opening. I think most people enjoy watching cute baby one year old getting excited about paper and boxes. I think the bigger question is number of families (so are we talking 10 presents to open, which seems manageable or 30 presents to open, which might be excessive).
I’m one of those people who enjoys cute baby one year old opening presents, so I may be a little bias.
Another caveat, if the invite states “no presents” then no gift opening is expected.
Anon in NYC says
We had a large first birthday party and did not open presents. We recorded videos of her opening certain presents (grandparents, aunts/uncles) and sent them to parents.
SC says
I think it’s normal to skip it. When Kiddo turned 1, we had a birthday party for about 16 people, all “immediate” family. He was still taking two naps a day. We scheduled the party to start about 30-60 minutes after his nap time, so we could get him up and fed and dressed. The party lasted about 2 hours, which was just enough time for guests to arrive and chat and have drinks, for us to serve food, and then to sing and have cake. At the end of all that excitement, and concurrent with the inevitable birthday-cake sugar crash, it was time for Kiddo’s afternoon nap. We never really said, “We’re not opening presents,” but it became clear to everyone that there was no way we were going to squeeze it in before meltdown-o-clock.
After the fact, I was so glad we didn’t try to do presents at the party. Kiddo was more interested in the wrapping paper and tissue and boxes than he was in the toys. He didn’t really “get” what he was doing, particularly when the toys were behind packaging, so he didn’t express the excitement you’d expect from, say, a 3-year-old. He also only had the attention span to open one or two presents at a time. So, basically, at the party, it would have been me (or me and DH) opening his presents–and most of the attendees already sat through that at my baby shower a year before the birthday party.
That said, my parents stayed and helped clean up. They were there when Kiddo woke up, so they watched him open their present then.
CLMom says
What is considered a “large” party? I wanted to invite closer to 40-45 folks (including kids), but hubby wanted it under 35. He’s already freaking out at how many folks are invited.
My thought is if I’m prepping for 30 people already, what’s another 10? No biggie.
SC says
I consider any party over 8 people large :-) I agree that adding another 10 people to a guest list of 30 isn’t going to add that much work to the prep. What is your husband’s main objection? Space, prep, being able to talk to all the guests, not wanting to invite just some of the next “ring” of people?
CLMom says
I think it’s just a mental limit in his mind. He’s mentioned we don’t have the space (we do), he doesn’t want that many people in our house (it’s outside), if he invites so-n-so then he has to invite other-so-n-so (yay…more people), money (economies of scale), stress (fine, I’ll give him that since he has to live with the stress).
Ultimately, I think he wants to invite people our daughter will be close to throughout her life. And, I want to celebrate with some folks who may not wind up being close to our daughter, but are close enough to me that we can celebrate together. He sees it as our daughter’s party, and I see is as mine too. I worked hard to grow and birth her, so I’m celebrating!
Em says
CL Mom, I totally agree with you. I’ve read multiple times that first birthdays are for the parents, not for the one-year-olds :)
CLMom says
It may also be worth noting that the party will be outdoors.
Faye says
Much more common now, but I find the older generation thinks it’s rude to skip. They seem to think the entire point of a kids birthday party is to open the mountain of gifts. I had to fib a bit and explain it as “It’s so uncommon that OTHER KIDS don’t know how to sit graciously through a present-opening session. They rip into the toys and parts get lost before kiddo can even touch the toy. Obviously I’m teaching MY KIDS great manners, but you know, other kids….” and then I wrote really good thank you notes that went into detail about how awesome the gifts were.
The next year I wised up and told everyone no gifts. When family insisted anyway, I told them to just bring it on a different day, or ship it and we’d open it at home on FaceTime with them.
Faye says
Forgot to add, a 1 year old’s attention span is so short. If your family is like mine, those 30 people (so let’s assume 6-8 family “sets”) all need to bring more than one gift. Just assume 2 each, and there’s no way a 1 year old is going to stay attentive for 14 presents.
Does your family happen to have home videos of birthday parties back in the 80s? My in-laws do, and kids under 3 only had maybe 4-5 small presents to open, even with a house full of family. It was NOT the present extravaganza that exists in the 10s.
H says
I’ve been to a couple 1st birthday parties where they didn’t open presents and it was actually pretty nice. After several bridal and baby showers, I kind of find it boring to sit and watch someone open presents. And if there will be other toddlers there, it’ll be impossible for them.
Anonymous says
In our area, it’s standard to not open presents. Often the 1st birthday party isn’t on the actual birthday and the grandparents might come by on the actual birthday and open present from them at that time. Of course that depends on your relationship with grandparents. Sometimes grandparents stay a bit later at actual party and open grandparent gift after everyone has gone or if they are there early to set up, open then.
Nanny Q says
How do those of you with a nanny handle paid time off, if at all? Do you pay for federal holidays that fall on days she would otherwise work? Vacations that you take (without nanny)? We are about to hire our first nanny and I’m clueless on a lot of things!
AnonMN says
Park Slope Parents has a really good guide for this. Someone on here recommended it to me and we totally used their guide. I think it is standard for a full-time person to get federal holidays, PTO where you choose half and they choose half (so if they get two weeks you choose one week and they choose the other). Any other vacations you take outside of these two weeks should be paid. Since it is the way they make a living, you want it to be consistent for them (especially if you are looking for someone long term). This is what we did as we wanted someone long-term.
Part-time rules are totally differenet in my opinion.
Katala says
+1 this is pretty much exactly what we did. We didn’t address specifically if she takes part of a day for an appointment, which we probably should have. Once, she purposely scheduled one for a day we’d be taking kiddo to the doctor, so that worked well, and another we just paid her her normally weekly rate and didn’t dock PTO even though she was out half the day. I’m stingy and didn’t like that but DH handles it so I let it go. Oh, I would also try to agree on how much notice should be given for vacation weeks.
SC says
We didn’t give our (full time) nanny paid time off. The only exception was when we took a last-minute weekend trip and left on a Thursday, because she couldn’t really take a vacation or another job those days. I don’t know if this justifies it, but we paid her about $2-3/hr above-market. We also paid OT and gave her a W2 (most people in our area give nannies a 1099).
We didn’t take any other vacations during the year our nanny was with us, though. My employer had a “no vacation” policy for 6 months after someone returned from maternity leave, and my husband didn’t have any paid leave so used his vacation time to stay home after DS was born. We didn’t really have issues with most of the federal holidays because our nanny didn’t work Mondays anyways.
I think this kind of thing depends a lot on what’s normal in your area and what works best for the parties involved. Our nanny wanted the higher hourly rate, and we couldn’t really take 2 weeks of vacation anyways. She also had the flexibility to take unpaid time off when she wanted, and she would find people (her friends) to sub for her–which had the benefit of introducing us to several babysitters/back-up-care providers.
Katala says
Wait, no vacations allowed for 6 months after mat leave?? That sounds crazy. I don’t know anyone who did, say, a big Europe trip or something soon after mat leave, but what if you have a wedding, or come back in the fall and want to travel for the holidays? I’ve never heard of that, I wonder what they think they’re accomplishing.
Anon says
Not the exact issue, but my employer used to require women to wipe out their vacation to use FMLA (no paid mat leave) and we are expected to use vacation when we are sick (no sick days), so new moms would come back with no leave, which doesn’t really work when you have a baby in daycare getting sick all the time. Apparently enough people complained, so now they let you bank 5 days to use when you come back from leave.
Edna Mazur says
My employer still does this. All vacation (no sick days) must be used concurrently with FMLA and no paid leave. So if your PTO either rolls over during your FMLA leave or right before, you are looking at a whole year with no paid time off. If you are super sick or have a family emergency, and an understanding manager, you can usually take the day off without repercussions. Taking time off for a vacation or wedding would be a no no.
SC says
Yeah, looking back, it seems bizarre, but I think the idea was mostly to keep people from taking a week off shortly after returning, or even rolling vacation into maternity leave. It was a law firm, so honestly, if you had a wedding to go to or needed to be out of town, you could bill while traveling and not count it as vacation. None of the partners knew the actual vacation or leave policies that applied to associates and special counsel, and as long as they were happy, and you kept your billables up, nobody monitored the days you were in or out of the office or what you counted as vacation. (This was true in general, not just after maternity leave.) The only wedding we went to was over a 3-day weekend. We flew out Friday morning, and I think I billed some while DH had to go to the rehearsal and then some on Sunday/Monday to make up the time.
Sandwich generation says
Does anyone have good tips, advice, resources for being the sandwich generation?
We relocated to be closer to my extremely high-maintenance parents, as I am an only child and they were beginning to face age-related health challenges. Now their demands for our time and attention are endless. If they had it their way, we’d talk at least daily, and visit multiple times a week. Spending time or engaging with them is exhausting because of some non-curable mental health issues on their parts. (For example, they are always at least 45 minutes late, are great at making logistics super complicated unnecessarily, love to pick fights when we spend time together). As is, we see them about twice a week and CONSTANTLY hear about how they never, ever see us.
I have started to get migraines frequently, and the strain of their ridiculousness is really taking a toll on our marriage. Any time we set the smallest boundary with them, we are met by iciness and a load of other nonsense that frequently is more work than just doing whatever they want. I have gone no-contact before, and am not close to doing that, but I have got to rebalance our lives so that we have at least some protected time as a family without their insanity running the show.
Anonymous says
“I know you want more time with us but I am balancing everyone’s needs the best I can.” Repeat Ad Nauseum.
Pick a consistent time for a short daily phone call. Don’t answer (including unplugging the phone if necessary) at other
Pick an activity where it doesn’t matter if they are late. “We’re taking the kids to the playground and for ice cream between 2-4pm at PARK if you’d like to join us.” If they are 45 minutes late the event still ends at 4pm. Offer a set number of events per week (1 or 2 or whatever) and if the time doesn’t work for them, that’s too bad.
And self-acceptance around the fact that they will be unhappy with you but that does not mean you are a bad kid or not doing a good job.times. 911 is available to them if it is a true emergency.
Anonymous says
argh – 911 part makes more sense when you read it after the comment about not being afraid to unplug the phone. All phones off in our house between 6-8:30pm. And yes, I realize I’m super lucky to have a job where that is possible.
Coach Laura says
Even though the mental health issues complicate it you’ve got to protect your health and your marriage and LO. I would suggest that you be a bit more direct. Pick a time (probably without kids or SO) and meet with one/both of your parents for coffee. Say something like “M/D, SO and I moved back here so that we could have a lot of time with you and so that Kiddo could really get to know her grandparents. We really like being able to spend time with you, share holidays and dinners. But as you know SO and I have to work and our lives are so incredibly jam-packed that we aren’t always able to do all the things we want to do. We have to limit workweek visits so we can get enough sleep and dinner on the table and get LO to bed. We can’t always see you when you want to see us and that’s just the way it will have to be unless we win Lotto. So we can see you on X and Y times. I will call you from the office a few times a week and you can email/text me everyday if you want but you have to understand that I may not be able to call you back right away. I have to ask you to respect this so that we can enjoy the times that we do see you.” Expect tantrums but I think it’s either learn to live with the blowback or continue to watch your health and family get impacted. Good luck.
rakma says
Would a schedule of visits help? i.e. Dinner Wednesdays, visit Sundays, phone calls other days? If the visits are expected, would that help with the logistics (and give you something to point to: We’ll see you again on Wed, and then on Sunday)
Have you considered a Geriatric Counselor or other kind of resources, like a senior center? Giving your parents another outlet or source of attention might lift the burden off you slightly (I know it’s a burden to get this sort of thing set up too, but maybe you could take a day off work to get the ball rolling?)
Also, do you have someone to vent to other than your husband? A friend, or a therapist? Giving yourself another outlet might shield your marriage from some of the stress of this.
Katala says
Ugh, sorry you’re dealing with this. Slate’s Mom & Dad are Fighting podcast had a segment about the Sandwich Generation last week (I haven’t listened yet, but they usually point to a couple other resources). Also you might check out, strangely, babycenter’s DWIL (dealing with inlaws) group. There are some book recommendations and advice from people who deal with toxic/manipulative parents that might give you some coping ideas, or at least commiseration.
NewMomAnon says
My mother’s parents were like that, and my folks made the opposite decision – move farther away to limit the collateral damage. Visits were not as frequent, but it was much more disruptive when things went downhill, and my grandparents were always borderline abusive via phone.
Is it a situation where in-home care might alleviate some of the strain? Or could folks from church/a local nonprofit/meals on wheels/etc drop in for an hour a day? Sometimes using third party resources to alleviate the boredom and loneliness can ease the burden on family members.
Or look at whether there is a PACE Center or other elder care day center where they might get some mental stimulation and possibly transportation to medical appointments (if that is an issue).
Daycare Worries says
How worried should I be? My kiddo’s daycare has been looking — with varied degrees of urgency — for the better part of a year for a new teacher. It’s a small center, and they aren’t understaffed by licensing standards, but everyone is stretched just a little thin, and I can see that the teachers are getting worn out. It’s a Bright Horizons, which is supposed to be a great place to work, and I’m honestly getting a bit concerned about *why* they can’t recruit someone to work there.
CLMom says
I took months and months to find the right receptionist for our firm. And I do not entrust her with my child. I am camp “hire slow, fire fast”. So, imho, this is a good sign.
Daycare Worries says
Thanks for that perspective. I was worried that there was some sort of toxicity amongst the staff that I didn’t see, but maybe it is just that they are looking for someone very good.
NewMomAnon says
I agree with CLMom. My kiddo’s daycare went through two sets of infant teachers before they finally found a group of three that were great at the job and would stick around. They have been around for almost two full years now, and are great – it was worth the wait. Our center is in the process of vetting new preschool teachers and I think we just lost the newest replacement. Kiddo will be sad.
It’s hard to find a teacher who is (a) great; (b) willing to stick it out for a long time in one center; and (c) able to financially handle the financial challenge of a daycare educator’s salary.
Closet Redux says
How much stock do you put in your dreams/ how much do you read into your partner’s dreams? Real question: should I be worried about my husband’s recurring dream?
My husband has a recurring dream that I leave him. In the dream we do not have kids (in real life we have 1 and another on the way), and I say something about how this isn’t the life I want, and I leave him. So, not a cheating dream or an I hate you dream or a constant fighting dramatic breakup dream, but just… I leave.
He’s told me about the dream a few times in the last year, which probably means he’s had it more than that. It makes him really sad and we always have a sit down look-in-eyes little conversation afterwards about how that would never ever happen which I think he and I both know, but this probably reflects a strong anxiety he has, right? Generally our relationship is awesome. We did transition to a new town with all the bumps that entails– finding new jobs, new friends, new routines, etc. And as I said, we have a second baby on the way. But he and I are super solid in-it-to-win-it golden in our relationship. Should I be worried about this apparent anxiety?
MomAnon4This says
It reflects anxiety in his life generally but not nec. about his relationship with you. He might want to talk to a counselor on his own about it, but I don’t think there’s anything you can do about it.
FWIW in my dreams where I cheat, I usually bring my husband along for the ride! Or, I tell my love interest about my husband and we both feel real badly.
mascot says
Can he keep a dream journal and see if there is a pattern? Does he regularly remember his dreams?
I’m a really vivid dreamer and my stress sometimes breaks through into my dreams. If I am on a tight deadline at work, I’ll dream about what documents I am drafting. When I was in law school and under incredible stress, I had horrible dreams about people in my family dying (in one, it was my fault). It was really upsetting at the time, but these folks are still alive and well today so I wouldn’t call it a prophecy. Same thing after my kid was born- I had anxiety dreams about losing him (thanks PPD). I’ve kept up with that kid for a while now, so again, not a lasting worry. I’ll also have really awesome dreams so I think it all balances out. I don’t know that there is much I can do to control the content. On the other hand, my husband doesn’t remember his dreams at all and sometimes gets worried/amused about how vivid and detailed mine are. He doesn’t necessarily appreciate when I wake up mad at him for some transgression he committed in my dream though…
AB says
My 4-year-old son wants to be a cat for Halloween. I’m looking for a full costume (not just the ears and tail) that isn’t super girly, but I’m having trouble. Any tips?
MomAnon4This says
Black sweatpants & sweatshirt. Or black leotard and tights if you do want, ah, a more cat-like cat? Maybe go for a Tomcat look (like Tom and Jerry cartoons) if the feminine aspect bothers you? So I guess that would be more gray & white, less sleek, more rambunctious.
MomAnon4This says
Meant to add: ask the 4 year old what he needs to be a cat. He may not need the whole costume. Is he aware of boy/girl gender differences as applied to cat costumes? When my son was that age, he was OK with having his nails painted! So, he wouldn’t have cared too much if cat ears had sequins on them a la girls. This may be a time where you mix-and-match a few parts (sweatpants, sweatshirt, tube sock tail & headband ears) OR a time where you step back and let him do his thing (girly cat ears). It won’t be perfect — Halloween never is.
NewMomAnon says
Yup, same-colored sweatsuit, maybe with a “tummy” of a lighter color cut out of felt and stuck to the shirt (safety pins for something removable, stitch witch if you don’t care). Last year I made a “cat” hoodie for my kiddo for halloween and sewed eyes, ears, nose and whiskers to the hood so she didn’t have to wear a mask. She still wears it all the time.
If you want to make a body suit, look up the “You and Mie” blog and find the Totoro Costume Tutorial. I’ll try to post it in a response.
NewMomAnon says
https://youandmie.com/2014/10/14/totoro-costume-tutorial/
SC says
Related to AB’s comment, can anyone give me ideas for an 18-month-old boy’s Halloween costume? He doesn’t really have any favorite characters or anything like that yet. I’m not at all creative, don’t own a hot glue gun, and can’t even sew a button, so I’m looking for something I can buy or make by combining common household items. I honestly don’t even care about Halloween (last year, I was relieved to have a wedding to go to, and my SIL made a costume for Kiddo). But I think this year they may have something at day care, and our family will probably want to get the cousins together and will expect him to be in costume.
Anonymous says
Does he make any animal noises? My little guy was a sheep at that age because he LOVED to ‘Baa Baa’. I purchased a costume but there must be instructions online for a diy version.
SC says
No animal sounds yet. Well, sometimes he growls, but I don’t think it’s associated with any particular animal. His cousin, who’s the same age as him, lifts his arm and says “Wooo” for an elephant noise, and it’s so stinking cute.
Katala says
Ah, my kiddo does this and now I think he should be an elephant for Halloween. Maybe an elephant hoodie a la NewMomAnon’s cat hoodie with a trunk on the chest and ears on the hood… But then I have to make that!
Anons says
That is terribly adorable!
rakma says
At that age, DD wore a tee-shirt with a skeleton printed on it from Carter’s. They have skeleton PJ’s this year, which would be adorable (and I’d totally send my kid to daycare in PJs)
Anon in NYC says
My 16 month old girl is going to be a pumpkin. It’s easy to find toddler pumpkin costumes.
NewMomAnon says
Half my daughter’s class last year wore superhero pj’s for halloween. The other half (a) didn’t dress up, (b) wore a Disney princess dress, or (c) wore a t-shirt with a cartoon character on it. I think her classroom did some face paint too. I wouldn’t sweat it for an 18 month old.
-signed, the mom who is going to let her2.5 year old raid the dress up closet to pick out a Halloween costume
SC says
I would totally do this. We don’t have a dress up closet yet. Actually, we don’t have any extra closets, so it would just be a dress up box.
SC says
Thanks all! I think I’ve settled on race car driver. He has a plastic ride-on Lightning McQueen car that he doesn’t ride on but loves to push around backwards, which I find hysterical. I can put checkered tape on existing clothes (red jacket and blue sweatpants) and add a few props (the car, a plastic medal) for photos.
anon says
Take advantage of the fact your kid doesn’t care yet and pick something that will amuse you!